CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: My Parents Have A Horrible Marriage, What Do I Do?

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

In this epsiode, Whitney answers two caller questions and gives her three little epiphanies for the week: Sutton's mom on RHOBH A new phrase she's using to push through hard times Being a cyclebreaker sucks sometimes Caller 1 is upset about her parent's horrible marriage. Caller 2 is responding to a smear campaign from her sister in law. Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash YMX. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Calling Home Podcast.

I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. I am so sorry that there was no episode on Tuesday. My children have infected me again with some type of superbug illness. I think I've been sick 100 times since the start of 2025. And I did not want to subject you to the sound of my voice, being even raspy or nasally and it was just terrible. But today I'm feeling a lot better. So I'm excited to be back with a Q&A episode. I just got back at like 1 a.m. last night from shooting something really cool in New York that I hope to be able to share with you soon.

I was there for 24 hours for some work stuff and then right back home to record this podcast. So let's go ahead and get into it. We're going to have two calls. questions today, but first I wanted to talk to you about my three little epiphanies for the week. I had told you in my last episode that I was going to start doing these on the Q&A episode and I have some other great ones for you today. So this morning, I watched the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, where Sutton goes home to see her mother. And I'm not I'm trying to talk about her mother. But for any of you that have had difficult relationships with a parent, and you know what it's like to share your feelings and to try to come up with a succinct way of sharing, getting them to understand how you're feeling about your relationship with them, I would go watch this episode. It's the latest one for the latest season. And I thought that she did a really good job. at talking about how her dynamics with her parents have shaped her and impacted her. If you haven't

seen the show, this woman's father died by suicide. And she really shares some of her guilt and her grief and her shame around this and how it impacted the relationship with her mother. And this is just another instance where I feel like, you know, the therapy speak gets a really bad rap. But I think in a lot of these shows, like I am loving seeing how some of this knowledge about trauma and family dynamics and adult child and parent dynamics is infiltrating popular culture in these ways. And we are getting to see all of these really relatable, complex dynamics play out on our screens. And I think it really helps people feel less alone. It gives them something that they can relate to. And I've just been so pleasantly surprised at how a lot of the

storylines that are going on in these shows are mimicking some of the very things that I am talking to our members at Calling Home about, to my clients about. And these are real big issues that are impacting a lot of people. And to be able to see someone deal with this and carry out these conversations and talk about how these really, I think, events that we used to not speak about a lot. You know, having a parent die by suicide, I think is something that many people were very guarded about. And I just thought it was amazing to see someone talk about this on national television in such a candid way and really to create hope for other people that might have been through that or who are feeling some of the complex emotions that have arisen as a

result of that. The second thing I wanted to talk about is like, I am in a season of life, right now professionally where I feel like there is so much that I want to achieve. I'm in like a, you know, gas pedal. How do you say it? Like let me, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm in like a season of life where I have, that's what I wanted to say, my foot fully on the gas. And I'm just feeling like there's so much I want to achieve and so much I'm excited about and so much that I want to do for this community and for calling home and for people that are struggling with their family relationships. And this tends to happen to me after I am done being pregnant because I have to slow down so much during pregnancy that all that pent up energy

is like, okay, it's ready to come out and I'm ready to like do all these things. And that means that I am in a really busy season of life. And I love it, but there's not as much time for like rest or relaxation or everything is just go, go, go all the time because I'm really trying to like maximize every minute of my life. And some of you may not relate to that. It may not sound good or interesting to you. But for those of you that feel kind of this endless appetite for like doing new things and taking on new projects and you're in that season of life, there's something that's this phrase that I've been saying to myself lately that has really helped me when I have felt like I'm tired. I don't want to push it through. And it's, I've been saying to myself, this is what it takes. Like, this is what it takes if I want to achieve this. You know, last night, I was like showering at one o'clock in the morning and I'm like, I just don't know

how I'm going to get through the workday tomorrow. And I just kept telling you. And I just kept telling. telling myself, like, if this is what you want, if you want this outcome, this is what it takes. And I think I've been able to apply that to so many things. You know, if I want to be really involved in my children's lives, then I want to make sure that I'm picking them up from school every day. And I want to make sure that I'm at events, then like, this is what it takes. It takes me blocking off time in my schedule, not letting work overrun into those areas. I think for any of you that are working on ending patterns of family dysfunction and like it's painful and it's annoying and you don't want to do it, this is what it takes, you know, to not

live that life. It's like I have to do these things if I want this end result. And don't mishear what I'm saying that that doesn't mean that you shouldn't rest and take breaks and all that good stuff. But I think if you're somebody that has big goals for yourself, whatever that looks like, there are going to be moments in life where you cannot take your foot off the gas. Like you have to seize the opportunities. You have to say yes. And there are moments in my life where I haven't said yes. I've said no to everything because I was in a different season of life and I knew that I couldn't handle it or it wasn't the right time for me.

But if you are in that season, season that I'm talking about where you're like, like I want to achieve this, I want to make this happen, then I don't know, maybe that phrase will be helpful for you. The third thing I wanted to talk about is that I saw this post by Sahaj. She is Brown Girl Therapy on Instagram. I have done a podcast episode with her about immigrant families and breaking cycles of dysfunction in immigrant households. She does a lot of amazing work on being by cultural and being first generation American or, you know, having immigrant parents, and I would definitely check out her stuff and go listen to that episode. I'll link it in the show notes. But she put up this post that was about how a lot of people tell her, like, I don't want

to be a cycle breaker. And I've heard that a lot too. When I saw that I was like, wow, this is so interesting. Like, this is something that we need to weave in to the messaging at calling home, is that I think there are some people that identify with. wanting to be a cycle breaker in the sense that like they want to make the change they're empowered by that and that seems exciting noble it's invigorating to them and there are other people who really are just resentful that they have to be the one in this position they don't want to purchase the memberships and the books and go to therapy and there's this feeling of like i just don't want to be in this position i wish that i could focus my attention

on other things, my work, my relationships, my friendships, like, I just want to put this in a box and put it away. And I really get that. I mean, for any of you listening that are feeling like I just don't want to have this burden on me. I shouldn't have to. This isn't my fault. Why do I have to solve it? I really get that. And I think that that's something that I want to keep in mind about the people who join calling homes that maybe you're not joining us or listening to this podcast because you're necessarily like inspired and just jazzed about being a cycle breaker. Maybe you're doing it because you really are just like, gosh, I have no choice. This is what I have to do. I don't feel great about it. I want the outcome. And this kind of goes

back to that phrase I was saying is like, I don't want to do this, but this is what it takes. achieve the life that I want. And if you're in that mindset of like, I'm ready to do what it takes, even if I don't like it, even if it doesn't excite me, I want the end result. And so I'm willing to put in the effort. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points on every qualified stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms. conditions. All right. Those are my three little epiphanies for this week. Let me know if any of those resonate with you or if you have any thoughts, especially on Spotify in the comments. I love to

hear from all of you. And please don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review. Every time we get a review, it really helps the podcast continue and it helps us reach new people. All right. Let's go ahead and get to that first caller. Hi, Whitney. My question is about being an adult child whose parents have always stayed together, married for 40 plus years, and you knew it as a kid, and especially now as blown adults, my siblings and I were all married, we're all, we all have kids, we're growing our families, and we just see more than ever the dysfunction between our parents' relationship and marriage. And I think in raising our own kids, it has really brought to light for me so much. what I witnessed as a child and just how unhealthy my parents' marriage was and it still is. All that being said, I would still say we have like a functional, dysfunctional family. We have a close family. We are together for holidays and birthdays and events.

I love my siblings. And my mom especially is very, very involved. My father is much more distant, much more of the very difficult one. But, you know, it takes two to tango and I see a lot of. how they both have played the roles. My question is, like, how do we accept that our parents make these choices and will stay in them forever? We've had hearts to hearts over the years my mom and I. We've had blowouts with our dad. Nothing ultimately ever changes. There's going to be no major intervention moment. Like, no one's leaving anyone after all this time. There's a lot

of codependence. There's a lot of stubbornness on both ends. I'm just trying to come to a point of peace and acceptance and boundaries, of course, and just trying to put all my focus into my marriage and my kids and doing so many things differently. But those feelings of frustration and disappointment and honestly shame creep in a lot when it comes to thinking about my parents' marriage both then and now. So kind of want to touch on those parents that are very much together and very much not happy well into the rest of their lives and how as adult children can kind of just really come to terms with it and discern it. Thank you so much. Wow, what a great question. Thank you so much for calling in. So it sounds like at the core of this question is like, how do we accept,

how do I accept, that my parents are making this choice and accept the way that it's making me feel and also relinquish the desire to control or change or influence, you know, how they're behaving. I think that this caller is so right that as you move into adulthood and you get married and you see your parents' relationship in a different light because you have children, you have a spouse, and it's natural to make comparisons and to revisit things from your life and be like, wow, what if my child was living through? you know, some of the things that I was living through, and I think that can awaken some sadness

and ungrief. And then also to look at your parents and say, wow, it's so sad that this is how you have to live, right? I think some of this comes really from a deep place of pain, of like, I genuinely want my parents to be happy and to feel loved and to experience marriage maybe in the way that I'm experiencing it. I want myself to be able to experience having parents who love and care about each other in the way that my children are. And I do think that at its core, this desire to influence them or control them or change their marriage is really about you wanting them to be happy and at peace and not having to worry about them. The thing I want to separate here is that there is a difference between your parents' marriage and how it's impacting

them and how your parents' marriage is impacting you. And you can set boundaries around the way that their marriage infiltrates your life. So what I mean by that is, let's think of some specific examples. If your parents come over to your house and they are yelling at each other in front of you, in front of your children, that's something that you can say is not going to happen. That's something you can control. You can remove yourself from the situation if and when that happens. You can say that they cannot be in your home if they are going to do that. If one of your parents is calling you to vent about the other one or to involve you in the marriage dynamic trying to get you to play couples therapist, that's something that you can remove yourself and stop doing. You can no longer,

you know, listen to stories of them talking poorly about one another and you can try to insulate your life in a way from their marital issues. And I actually think that this is essential for adults in adulthood to have good relationships with their parents is that they cannot be involved in their marriage dynamic. And this can be really difficult for some of those adults that have always been involved since childhood, you know, and that might even be a way that you achieve closeness with your parent. And so it's very hard to step away from that and not do that anymore. Now, the other side of this, you know, is of course the way that your parents' marriage impacts them. And what I mean by that is you can probably pick up on near them not being

totally fulfilled. They seem a little miserable. They bicker, like, whatever it is, that are those signs that you feel like are reminiscent of how things were when you were a kid or that you know are not maybe the healthiest things to have in a relationship. But they are deciding as adults, for whatever reason, to continue participating in that dynamic, right? So that's their choice. They are saying it's been 40 years and this is just what we're going to keep doing. I think it's too late to leave. I don't believe I deserve something else.

It's too much effort. Whatever their reasons are, they're staying. Now, it sounds like this is not a situation, you know, where someone is being forced to stay, like, against their will or because they're actually unable to leave, but of course there are situations like that where this would be a different conversation. But I'm talking about a dynamic where there are two people that are participating in a marriage that is not fulfilling and not very healthy, and they are both deciding this is what we want for the rest of our lives. And so I think when you accept that, which you kind of said, this caller kind of said in the voicemail, like, we know no one's going to leave. Like, this isn't going to change. They would have left by now. Then you can say, this is my parents' marriage. This is how they want to live their lives. This is what they have chosen for themselves. Every day when they woke up for the last 40 years was to keep their feet planted next to this person. And I have to respect that. It's not the marriage that I would want to have. I don't particularly enjoy it.

I don't think that it's good for them, but it is what they are choosing to do. And I have to relinquish my control over that part of their life, learn to find a way to coexist with it, and to stop trying to make it be something that it isn't. And I can continue to set boundaries with all the ways that their marriage or their behavior because of their marriage infiltrates my life. life and directly impacts me. And I think when you're able to balance both of those things, you can get into a healthier place. But I do just want to add that as that acceptance, you know, comes on, there's also a lot of grief, right? Because I think most adults want their parents to be

happy and they want them to be at peace and to feel loved. And so you might feel a sense of grief of like, wow, my parents just doesn't see themselves in that way. They're never going to do that, and that can be very challenging as well. Let's go ahead and get to that second caller. Hi, Whitney. I have a question about responding to Smear campaign. So I've been married for 17 years, and my husband and I have four kids. When we first got married, we set some boundaries, and that resulted in immediate cutoff with his family. and smear campaign. My husband was cut off by many relatives, including grandparents and siblings and aunts and uncles,

and we have made many efforts to reconcile with his parents over the years, but they just have never worked. Our words and our actions were always twisted, in some cases, they just completely fabricated things. He has not talked to his sister in seven or eight years because she cut him off. She was a teen when we got married, but now she's, you know, in her early 30s. My dad had been having some interaction, oh, sorry, my husband has been having some interactions with his dad, and prompted by that, she sent him a letter, reiterating

why she doesn't want a relationship with my husband. And it was pretty, I guess it wasn't surprising, but there was many, many falsehoods in this letter, like verifiable facts that she had. has completely wrong. And I'm just wondering, she's been very clear that she does not want any contact with him. But it's, you know, we want to respect her wishes, but also she's making this decision based off

of things that are just completely not true. Should we go against her wishes and reach out to try to correct the record, or should we just let this be? It's really sad. We would love a relationship with her. But, you know, the family's very, very enmeshed. So it's, we're not sure if that's even a possibility. So is it worth trying to contact her and kind of tell her how she doesn't really understand the situation at all?

Thank you for your time. Bye. I first want to say that this is an extremely difficult situation to be in because it does not feel good when someone is misrepresenting you. when they're saying things that you know are not true, and they're likely things that are offensive or false or that you would never do. And you can feel this really strong, like, got urged to correct them. I think that if I look at the context of this situation, and I hear that someone has been estranged from a sibling for 7 to 8 years and the rest of the family, and that sibling is still enmeshed, I think was the word that this caller used with the rest of

the family, that there has likely been a narrative that was put forth by the family and the sister has adopted as her own, right? Especially if she was a teenager. At the time of all of this happening, then it's even more likely that this has kind of become part of her psyche and what she believes to be true about the relationship. And I totally understand the urge to say, like, none of this is true. But what you have to remember here is that this person, this girl, has had a relationship with all of these other people and not with you or your spouse for the last eight years. And so there's this foundation that's been built up, even if it's on lies and unhealthy patterns of we are over here kind of against you all. And so any response, I think,

from you or from your husband to say, this isn't true, you've been fed a lie, is likely going to be met with a lot of pushback because there is not a foundation there to establish any other type of relationship or trust. And ultimately, I think the sister is going to have to make the decision to say, I want to get to know my brother myself and make a decision about who he is as a person and the type of relationship I can have with him on my interactions with him. And until she decides to do that, if she's saying, this is my story, I believe it to be true, I'm aligned with these other people, and I don't want you to contact me. And that kind of has to be like the plan, right?

Because any type of pushback on details of the story, like, well, that's not true. this is actually what happened is likely going to be met with defensiveness because no one is open right now to hearing any other perspectives. It sounds like this is solely being communicated to tell you we don't want to speak to you. And so I think this is where you and your spouse and your family have to say, we are going to continue to live in accordance with our values. We're going to show up in healthy ways. We're going to be the people that we are. And we know what is true and what isn't. And if this person does not want to have contact with us and does not want to maybe see another perspective, then there is nothing that we can do about that. And that is

extremely painful and difficult to sit with. But I do think that you can also put it out there of like when you're ready to the sister, when you're ready to discuss this between the two of us, or when you're ready to have a relationship outside of mom and dad, outside of the family, I'm here and I'm willing to speak to you, if that's something that you're willing to do. Because I think that's so important for siblings in adulthood especially is to establish relationships outside of their parents and that don't center around their relationships with their parents. And right now it seems like that's not possible if the sister isn't willing to kind of step outside of that family unit and do something different. But living with the reality every day that someone is saying

things about you that are not true, especially a family member, that they are trying to smear your name, is very uncomfortable. And it's very hurtful. And it's not something I think that we expect our family to do or that we're told that our family will ever do to us. And so I think grieving that and really allowing yourself to feel the pain. pain that comes with being misunderstood by your family is also very important. Thank you so much for calling in today. I just wanted to remind you all that for the rest of the month of February, in honor of Valentine's Day and this month dedicated to love, we are talking about how our family dynamics influence

our marriage, partnerships, and romantic relationships, your dating life. We're having groups every Wednesday inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. where you can work through discussion questions and the content and go even deeper with me personally. We also have so many other groups every month. We just hired a new therapist who is running our family estrangering group and our members have been telling us how wonderful that group has been. And we also have the estranged adult child group on Mondays. We have groups for adult children of emotionally immature parents. We also have our open house group, which is on the third at Thursday of every month at 5 p.m. I am so excited to hopefully see some of you

in groups this month. Thank you as always for listening. And if you have another question for me, you can call in to the podcast and leave me a voicemail. And maybe I will select your question. Thanks, guys. Have a great rest of your day. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866 225-5-466 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to

help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified

health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home, Holmes terms of service linked in the show notes below.