CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Our Abusive Dad Died. My Sister Only Has Positive Memories.

Episode Date: May 22, 2025

I'm back with two caller questions this week. Caller 1 has been waiting for her siblings to see her perspective, but now that they have, she's having some conflicting emotions. Caller 2 is trying to make sense of her sister's apparent amnesia of their father's abuse. Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft May at Calling Home - Grieving Complicated Relationships: ⁠https://callinghome.co/grieving-complicated-relationships ⁠ Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at ⁠866-225-5466⁠. Follow Whitney on Instagram: ⁠www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit⁠ Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft⁠ Order Whitney's book, ⁠Toxic Positivity. ⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome back to the calling on podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. Super excited to be here with all of you today. This is going to be a Q&A episode where I'm going to answer two caller questions. But first let's go ahead and get into the little epiphanies for the week. I send out these three little epiphanes every week in my Monday email newsletter. So definitely get on that list. If you do not get my emails yet, they're a place to dive deeper into the content and the best place. for you to keep up to date with what is going on at Calling Home. So the first thing I was thinking about this week is that sometimes you're missing who you wish they could be, not who they actually are. And this month inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home, which for those of you that don't know, is our membership community for people who are trying to improve their adult family relationships and break cycles in their family. We've been focusing on grieving complicated relationships.

And every month at Calling Home, we dive into a new topic and I create a four-week content library around that topic. And as part of your membership, you get access to every single month of content that we have done. And now I think there's probably like, I don't know, 20 months of content up on the site that have articles, videos, worksheets, scripts on all of these different adult family relationship topics. But something we've been talking about a lot in our support groups this month and in the content is the fantasy of who you wish that a person could be and the reality of who they are. And for a lot of people, when someone dies or when you become estranged, you have this period after the fact that is really confusing. And this is when you

start to maybe only remember them in a positive light, right? Or you start to remember them in a really different way than they actually were. Grief is also not just the loss of love. It's also the disappearance of hope. And I think that connects to what we were just talking about, you know, that it's you hoping that they could be somebody different, not just who they actually are, but who you thought they could become if they got help,

if they changed, if they took care of their help, if they, you know, could see who you are. And so I think some people, when they're grieving, it's not like the loss of the person, but it's the loss of the hope of what you wanted them to be and the fact that that's not possible anymore. The third thing that I mentioned in my email this week for the three little epiphanies was that estrangement will give you

the space to heal, but it will not heal you. And I think that this is something so important that we talk about in our estrangement groups at calling home, is that sometimes right after the estrangement, you might feel even better, right? Like you have peace and space and you can be yourself and you've finally like taken this big step that maybe you've been thinking about but afraid to pursue. And then the little more time passes and you start to feel like, wow, this didn't really fix me. I still have some of these problems and issues and the pain is still there and I'm still

being like triggered and the thought of them still comes up and I think that can be really confusing for people who thought that maybe they were going to heal just through that one act or through the process of estrangement. I think that's why whether you're estranged, you're thinking about it, you're not sure, you're reconciling, whatever part you're at in the process. I think that's why it's so important that you join groups like we have at Calling Home where you can meet people who are at different parts in that process and you can really normalize what it is like to experience each of those stages and like what it's like to be in grief at each of those stages

and really hear how other people have navigated it. All right, we have two caller questions today. But before we get into that, I just want to remind you that you can join us inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. At any time, we have unlimited groups for members every month that are run by licensed therapists, where you can meet other people just like you. You also get access to new content every single week on Monday. We are uploading new articles, worksheets, videos, and scripts to our online content library. And you get access to that as long as your membership is active. it is seriously the best place to work on your adult family relationships, and I think you will

love the community. If you love this podcast, I know that you will fit in perfectly. In fact, most of our members and groups say that they ended up there because of the podcast. So if you want to just come and listen, or if you feel up to sharing, we would love to have you, and you can join at callinghome.co. All right, let's go ahead and get to that first caller. Hi Whitney. My question is in regard to, I guess, maybe sibling relationships. So I came to the realization a long time ago that my parents would not be the kind of people I needed them to be and not. They were not emotionally available parents. And I still had some complex feelings around this, but I've kind of, at least have come to that realization. I have to have, I have

two other siblings who, for a long time, would come to the defense of our parents. And it didn't drive a ledge between us or anything. I kind of understood where they were coming from. But they've more recently come around and are starting to see our parents for who they are and are starting to put some distance in between themselves and our parents. And I am having a much harder time with this than I thought I would. I have been waiting for this day, and now that it's here, I'm like a mixture of confusion and irritated and sad and disappointed, and I'm having trouble just making sense of this,

and I'm wondering if this is something you have ever counseled people on and what your thoughts are on this kind of thing. Thank you so much. This is such an interesting question, and I'm so glad that you called in and left this voicemail because I think this really speaks to the complex feelings that we can have even when something is going the way that we always wanted it to, right? And this is why family relationships and family issues are so nuanced and so complicated because like this caller is saying, you can hear her saying, like, I've always known this about my parents and I had siblings that didn't come around. And then when they finally did, now I'm feeling like, oh, is that what I

wanted to happen? Does that feel good? Does that feel right? It can be so confusing. And so I'm not sure if this caller has a like an established or, you know, an intact relationship with her parents. It sounds like maybe not. And the siblings did. But regardless, I think that what's happening here is there is another shift happening in the makeup of the family. And so you kind of had your bearings for a minute there of like, I am the one that sees this. My siblings do not. They have this different type of relationship or way of relating to my parents. And I have been able to operate within that. And that's why we say that even dysfunctional families can get really comfortable because you know how things are going. You know what it looks like and how to operate

within that system. And so maybe you've just gotten really good at understanding that or navigating it to some degree or even just accepting that that's the way that it is. And when someone changes or decides to say, hey, wait, I actually don't want things to be this way or I'm finally realizing what you've been saying all along. There can be this feeling of like, oh, no, this is new to me. This is uncharted territory that even though I wanted this now, this is something that I have to figure out and understand and learn how to navigate and it feels like things are really shifting and changing. And I think I hear this a lot from people, you know, who would say like, oh, I always wish that my parents would get divorced. And then when they finally did an adulthood,

they're like, wait, no, we've been operating under this system of like, you know, you guys are always fighting and this is how we kind of manage everything. And now all of our roles are going to shift where maybe now you are not the one like truth teller or aware one in the family and everyone else is kind of sharing their peace and their feelings, and that can be disruptive and dysregulating to some degree. And so I want to say, you know, to this caller or to anyone else in this position that, like, this totally makes sense. And this is definitely something that I've heard before. And I hear that, you know, in your question, like, is this normal? Is this something that other people go through? And absolutely, I think with any change in a family,

whether that's a positive change, like maybe someone going away to college or getting married, or having a baby, there is a reshuffling of the family to get back into a groove in a new position where everyone knows who they are, what their role is, what's expected of them within the family. And that's what's happening to you here. And so I would just give yourself a little bit of like space and understanding. I hate that phrase. I think it's so cheesy. Like give yourself grace. But like seriously, just like recognize that, okay, this is a change. Even if it's something that I wanted. I maybe didn't expect that we would get here. This is new for us. And I need to learn how to operate within this system. Thank you so much for calling in and sharing your story. I think

that's one that's going to be really helpful to a lot of people. And I hope that my response was helpful to you. Let's go ahead and get to that second caller. Hi, Whitney. I'm calling from Chicago and I have a question related to, I guess, death and grieving and someone's perception. So, long story short, I have siblings and our parents have passed. And my dad was extremely physically, emotionally, psychologically, abusive to all of us. And since my parents have passed, it's really strange, and I'm not really sure what to make of it and could use your guidance, but some of my siblings' perception is completely distorted

related to our dad. So whenever we're kind of, I don't know, out at some like event or party or something, all conversations, you could be talking about, you know, traveling to Hawaii or something, every single story that somebody talks about, they will somehow relate it to our dad in a positive way. And it's just really odd to me because I was there and I witnessed the physical abuse. And like, for example, one of my sisters,

she tells people how she was the favorite, how amazing her dad is. It's like whenever they talk about our dad, it's so distorted and not who he actually was or like ever was. And so they'll just talk about how amazing he was and such an attentive dad. And this is the sister who I witnessed my dad would drag her by her hair when she was a child. And she will just tell the most amazing stories about our dad to everybody. She cannot speak badly about him at all.

She's extremely defensive. And so I've noticed that it's really caused some distance because I think I have a very realistic perception of him. He was a horrible man. But a lot of my siblings have kind of taken this completely distorted, not real perception, and that's how they remember him. And so I guess I'm trying to make sense of it. and I'm not really sure any insight in terms of our relationship because I'm noticing it's

causing some distance for sure. Thank you so much. Bye. It is such good timing that you called in with this question because I have an article coming out inside the Family Cycle Workers Club on Monday that is called Honest Memorials, how to grieve without rewriting history. So if you're listening to this, this article will be out on Monday and I'm going to talk more about this, but I'll give you a little bit of, like, a synopsis. First, what you're saying totally makes sense. It is very difficult to feel like someone is rewriting history, especially when they were there and you were there and you remember all these horrible things happening. And I want to give you a couple of reasons why your siblings may be doing this, right?

And so one thing that we know about like betrayal trauma, which is, you know, abuse by caregivers is a betrayal, is that survivors of caregiver abuse can often have like memory disturbances and they may really struggle to actually remember the traumatic events. And often we'll see that there can be this protective mechanism sometimes where you bury the facts. You don't want to think about them. It doesn't mean that they didn't happen or even that the person. doesn't really remember them on some level, but it's almost like they're putting it away. It's not in their active consciousness. And they don't want to remember that because it's painful, right? I also think there is this social aspect to what your siblings might be doing, that there is something deeply uncomfortable about speaking ill of the dead. And in a lot of, like, religions and communities and cultures, we are encouraged not to do that, right? And so people sometimes will perform having a good relationship or

wanting to talk about it in this way because they think that that is what is expected of them or it feels good or they're even trying to like convince themselves. And there's some studies on how the death of an abusive parent can create types of grief that doesn't really make sense. can be very contradictory. So survivors may feel relief or guilt or they may be grieving like the loss of the relationship more than the person. They might not be remembering things correctly. And so this does happen. But I can understand how it would create such a difficult dynamic between you and your siblings because you can kind of start to feel like you're going crazy. You don't remember that or how did you just kind of flip on a dime into thinking about, you

know, dad this way. And you might even want to like take up the task of trying to convince them or tell them that they're remembering it wrong. And I think sometimes we have to take a step back and say like, it's okay if I don't want to be a part of this type of remembering and grief. And I don't want to listen to it and be convinced. And I have my own narrative. But maybe I can also understand that like this is how my sibling is coping. And I don't get it. And it's a we, it seems like a weird confusing way of coping, but that it's almost Stockholm syndromey in a way of like once you, you know, they're out and it's over. And so they're remembering it differently or trying to frame it in a different way. And that doesn't have to be how you grieve. If you don't want

to remember them that way or like rewrite history, this is really what I'm getting at in the article that you are allowed to grieve it in the way that makes sense for you. And so you can even say to them, like, I understand that you're coping with this differently, but I'm not in a place to like celebrate them or talk about them in this way. Or I have really complicated feelings about dad because I just don't have the same memories as you. Your grief is still real and legitimate and so is theirs, but it's okay if you can't grieve together or in the same way or at the same time. And I think that some of those discussions can just be so triggering because it can feel like someone who is there is trying to tell you that that's not really what happened. And so

when people are doing that, I like to look at it from this compassionate lens with boundaries of like that's how they're grieving. That's what makes sense for them. That's what's helping them feel better. It doesn't make sense to me. It's not how I want to grieve and I'm not going to participate in XYZ way, right? But sometimes grief can lead to distance between people during these moments because they just have such different ways of grieving. Like sometimes grief makes people angry and mean. And sometimes it makes them sad and really loving. And we often have to like step back and be like, okay, I'm not going to let this person treat me poorly, but I'm going to give them space to like work through this in the way that makes sense for them, even if it's not

how I want to grieve. Because your sibling could maybe look at you and say, I don't like how you're only thinking about all these bad memories and talking about them or not saying that you're doing that. But if you were, that might complicate their grieving. And even though it's real, it's too painful for them to think about and they don't want to go there. And so if we can have this level of respect of like, I know that this is just your grief process. It does not negate my memories. It does not negate what I experienced and it doesn't have to change the way that I grieve. And I'm just going to have to be able to accept that that's what you're doing and what you're going through. Not easy stuff to do. But this caller, you are like the exact perfect. person to join calling home in the month of May because we are talking about grieving complicated relationships, whether those people are dead or alive and what that's like to have like non-traditional grief. So I have several weeks of content already up on the website. Next Monday, when that article, Honest Memorials, How to Grieve That Rewriting History comes out,

that will be week four of the content. And just a reminder that we do have a different topic every month at Calling Home this month with grieving complicated relationships. And I upload a new article worksheet script and video every Monday within that topic. That adds to our content library. And as a member of the Family Cycle Breakers Club, you get access to our entire content library and course library as long as your membership is active. So there is so much stuff on there. You can go to callinghome.co and click the search icon and type in. anything to search and you'll find things on estrangement, grief, death and dying, taking care of a parent, all that good stuff. And then we also have unlimited support groups for

family estrangement, grieving complicated relationships, estranged old children, adult children emotionally immature parents, all of that every month with myself. And we have two other licensed therapists at Calling Home that run groups. So I would love to see you in a group. As always, thank you so much for listening to this podcast. You can always call in and leave me a voicemail, and I will answer your questions on Thursdays. And please do not forget to leave a comment on Spotify, follow the podcast, subscribe, and exciting news that next month in June, we will be starting to upload the podcast in video format on YouTube and Spotify. So that's exciting for those of you that like to watch video.

We will have that soon. Thank you all so much for being here and for listening. I appreciate you and I'll see you on Tuesday. Bye. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail.

I do these episodes every Thursday, and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the calling home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to. to worksheets and more, and those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist

patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes Terms of Service linked in the show notes below.