CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Parents Accepting Adult Child’s ADHD, Handling Estrangement and Pregnancy Announcements

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

Whitney Goodman is answering more calls from the Calling Home voicemail. Today’s first call involves a listener who is struggling with undiagnosed ADHD and her mother's refusal to acknowledge it. The second caller is looking for advice on how to tell her estranged parents about her pregnancy.  Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Book direct and save at bestwestern.com. Hey everyone, happy Thursday and welcome back to the calling home podcast. This is our Q&A episode where I answer real caller questions and tell them what I think about the issue that they are having with their family. As a reminder, if you have any questions for me, you can always leave me a voicemail at 866-225-466. All right, let's hear you. All right, let's hear from our first caller. Hi, Whitney.

I just started listening to your podcast kind of recently, and it's been really validating, and I really appreciate it. Thanks for all that you do. I have a question about the thing that hurts me the most with my mom is that I struggled most of my life with undiagnosed ADHD and I you know when I was 25 I you know

knew something was really wrong and I figured it out for myself and I'm like on a path to to living with ADHD happily but you know she doesn't she doesn't think I have it and she I know how much I struggled and and it growing up up. And I just don't know how to reconcile that. Like, I feel very small and unheard when she thinks this biggest thing in my life I'm trying to work on is not really real. And I feel very frustrated that I feel like I have to figure this all out by myself. So if you have any advice on how to navigate that, I'd really appreciate it. Thank you. Bye. Thank you for listening to the podcast and for calling in. I want to speak generally.

to this idea of like our parents not seeing our struggles or being able to understand or relate to what you're going through. And in this situation, you're mentioning like going undiagnosed with ADHD throughout your childhood. And so something I would imagine is happening with a mother like this is maybe a feeling of embarrassment or shame or guilt or regret over the struggles that arose out of not getting that diagnosis. And this is not to blame a parent or fine fault in how this was handled, particularly because the knowledge and the level of like diagnostic access that we have these days compared to 10, 15, 20 years ago is vastly different. And I think there are many, many parents, myself included, who will miss things that are

wrong with our children throughout childhood, not because of negligence, but because of they're actually not being a level of awareness or resources to do something about it. And I do think that ADD, ADHD, a lot of these developmental issues were framed in a very different way when many of us were growing up. And a lot of what we know is now an issue that can't really be controlled by the child was one seen as like the child being bad or a problem or, you know, hyperactive or unruly or blamed on all these other things that now we have resources and understanding of. And so it sounds like for you now or for anyone going through this, you are navigating in adulthood, kind of reconciling all these experiences that you had as a

child through this lens of like, oh, that's what was going on with me. And your parent, if they're having trouble meeting you in that place in adulthood, could really, be struggling with what they did to manage that situation to handle it, signs they ignored, things they didn't know about, whatever it is. And a lot of this can come from like a really fragile sense of self around parenthood of like, I can't go there and think about like, oh man, my child may have been struggling or something was wrong because that means I'm a bad parent or it was my fault. When really it seems like all you're asking, for in this situation is like, can you just be with me in this and see how challenging it is

for me to navigate this now and to get resources and to get help and to understand how my brain works and like, can you just be in that? And so this could also be a lack of understanding on behalf of the parent or an unwillingness to understand and inability to understand. But I think at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter where it's coming from. It's just a feeling for the adult child that you don't feel understood. And so there's a couple of things here. I think you can talk to a parent about how this is making you feel. And if they are willing to listen and be self-reflective,

then there could definitely potentially be change. There's also a reality where your parent cannot meet your needs around this situation for whatever reason. And so you can keep continuing to go like to the orange store looking for apples or you can say, this is not a topic that I can talk to my parent about because they cannot understand it. They cannot meet me where I'm at. And every time I do this, I end up feeling disappointed, unheard, and beat down. And so I need to find other outlets or other types of community where I can discuss this and work on this.

And sometimes when you do that and you take the pressure off of that relationship to fulfill, fill this need, things can shift. And there are certainly other situations in your life where you might be like, you know what, or even this one, you know, what if my parent can't discuss XYZ with me and they can have empathy for me, then it's very hard for me to have a relationship with them right now. And I think there are people who have gone through abuse and things like that who feel like if my parent can't understand that this had a huge impact on my life, it's going to be really hard for me to have a relationship with them because this was such a big thing. And so only you can decide what kind of meets that threshold for you and within what

relationships do you have to draw that boundary. But it's very difficult to feel like you have someone in your life that cannot see why something is a big deal for you, especially if that person is playing this big role in your life that you feel like they should be able to understand that or to be there for that. Thank you again for calling, and I hope that that was helpful for anyone who might be in this situation and offered you a little bit of guidance or something to think about. With Amex Platinum, access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets can score you a spot track side. So being a fan for life turns into the trip of a lifetime. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Pre-sale tickets for future events subject to availability and varied by race.

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Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Hi, Whitney. My husband and I are no contact with our parents for various reasons, and I found out that I was pregnant recently, and I'm wondering how to navigate that situation and letting them know about the situation, but also still maintaining our boundaries of being no contact and how you would handle the situation.

what you would tell them. Thanks. So if I was talking to someone who was in this specific situation, there are a couple of things that I would want to know. Why do you want to tell someone that you're in no contact with that you're having a baby? And there's no right or wrong answer to that. I would just want you to explore what is motivating me to make that decision, because there could be a couple of things going on here. There could be a true desire to tell them because they serve this role in your life and you want them to know and you feel like that's the right thing to do. There could be a feeling of this is what I should do. I have to tell them because they're my parents and they need to know this. There could be fear that you're afraid of what's going to

happen if they find out through someone else. This fear of like getting in trouble or being punished can be instilled in a lot of adult children who have issues. with their parents. And then there's also this feeling of hope of like maybe if they found out that I was pregnant, they would change and they would be different. And sometimes that happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it gets worse or it stays the same. And so I want to investigate like what is driving that desire and for you to get really clear on that because then I think you can make a more informed decision. You have to know why you want to break this no contact or why you want to make this connection with them in this big situation. What are you hoping for? What are you expecting

to happen when you tell them? And how will this change the dynamic? If you want to tell them and continue the no contact, I think that needs to be very clear. If you're telling them so that you can reestablish some sort of relationship, you need to be very clear. And know, what type of relationship you're trying to reestablish. I also want to know if you're telling someone that you're no contact with about the pregnancy, do you expect them or want them to be involved in the child's life? And what is that going to look like? Because this is going to open up that dialogue or that expectation potentially with these people. And again, there's no right a wrong answer to any of these questions. It could be that, yes, you want to involve them in the

child's life. And that's something that you're thinking about and you're considering. And that might be the best choice for you and for your future family. But I do think it's worth kind of running through all of the potential outcomes here and what the results might be of breaking this no contact to share this news and also what is motivating you to do so. I think when children, or entering a family, it can kind of make us want to go back and try again and do things differently. And that can be a really positive thing. It can also be a recipe for disappointment. And so I like people to consider, like, has anything changed since we went no contact? Is there anything about this relationship that makes me fearful to share this news with them

or to include them in my child's life or in our life during this pregnancy? Are there any boundaries or expectations that I really need to work at? out before I share this news and trying to get very clear on that, you know, with each of these different relationships because they can be person specific or set of parents specific and also making sure that you and your partner, you know, the other parent of this child are on board and thinking about any potential things that could come up in this process. Thank you so much for calling. And I really hope that that's helpful to anyone in this situation. Thank you so much to everyone who called in today and left those voicemails.

I really love getting to know your stories and understanding how we can better help you navigate those difficult family relationship issues. As a reminder, you can always call me at 866-225-466 and leave me a voicemail. I may pick one of your questions for an upcoming Thursday episode. We have these caller episodes every Thursday now on the Calling Home podcast. If you're looking to take this to the next level and really work on your adult family relationship, you can also join the Calling Home community at www.callinghome.com. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice, or services.

It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.