CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Pregnancy During Estrangement, Emotionally Unavailable Parents, and the Viral Chinese App “Are You Dead?”

Episode Date: February 12, 2026

Whitney answers two listener questions about family relationships that don't go full no-contact but are also deeply dysfunctional. She also discusses a viral Chinese app called "Are You Dead?"Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic PositivityThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.1:12 The viral "Are You Dead?" app from China06:24 Listener question #114:42 Listener question #2 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I am Whitney Goodman, your host. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. Today we have a Q&A episode. This means that I'm going to answer two listener questions that on the surface look different, but underneath are about the same core issue. What happens when family relationships don't fully rupture, but they also don't actually work? Before we dive into these questions. I'm also going to talk to you about this new app that launched in China that I think we can relate to family relationships and estrangement and all of that. But first, I'm answering these questions today because for the month of February inside calling home, we're focusing on parental rejection and abandonment, including the quieter forms that don't always get named. Every Monday,

new content is added to the website, including articles, worksheets, scripts, and guided reflections to help you make sense of these dynamics and decide what level of contact is actually protective. Members also have access to unlimited therapist-led support groups and private discussion boards where these conversations can happen with nuance, support, and privacy. Let's get into it. Okay, so I mentioned that I wanted to talk to you about this Chinese app before we dive into the episode. My husband just texted me about this app, and this is the headline. Are you dead?

The viral Chinese app for young people living alone. It's very compelling. So a new bleak sounding app has taken China by storm, named Are You Dead? The concept is simple. You need to check in with it every two days, clicking a large button to confirm that you are, in fact, alive. If not, it will get in touch with your appointed emergency contact and inform them that you may be in trouble. It was launched in May last year to not much fanfare, but attention around it has exploded in recent weeks. With many young people who live alone in Chinese cities downloading it in droves.

This has propelled it to become the most downloaded paid app in the country, and this is reporting by BBC, by the way. According to research institutions, there may be up to 200 million one-person households in China by 2030. Chinese state media outlet Global Times reports. The app describes itself as a safety companion, whether you're a solo office worker, a student living away from home, or anyone choosing a solitary lifestyle. That's who they're trying to target. People who live alone at any stage of life need something like this. as do introverts, those with depression, the unemployed, and others in vulnerable situations. There is a fear that people living alone might die unnoticed with no one to call for help.

I sometimes wonder if I died alone, who would collect my body? Some have been quick to bash the app's less than cheery name, saying that signing up for it might bring ill fortune. So I guess kind of like it being a bad omen or like bringing evil eye to your life or something. And though the success of this app must be in part because of its catching. sounding name, the company behind the app Moonscape Technologies has said it is taking on board the criticism of the current title and weighing up a potential name change. I kind of think the name is

compelling. It's probably what got people to download the app. It looks like the app is $1.15 U.S. to download. And they're also exploring the idea of a new product that's specifically designed for the elderly in a country where over one-fifth of its population is over the age of 60. Okay. So, initial thoughts to this, I think that some people would feel like, I think that some people might feel like this is like bleak, right? Like it means that we do not have connections with other people. But I think where my brain goes with this is yes, we should have relationships where we have enough contact that people are hearing from us, you know, at least somebody every two days we are interacting with someone. People know that we're okay. Like that's the ideal, of course. But I am thinking about situations where there are people that we know are struggling or who keeping up contact with is very, very difficult because they're not doing well. So people who are depressed to have certain types of chronic illness, disability. I know that, you know, I know people in my own life that, like, responding to a message,

keeping their phone around them, charging it, all of that stuff is difficult for them when they are not in a good place. I think also the angle with the elderly is very interesting. The other place that my head went to is that I think when we talk about estrangement, we talk a lot about emmeshment. And one particular group that I am really interested in is parents of young adults who have just left the home maybe to go away to college or to move away. And those parents have a lot of anxiety. And they are using tracking apps. They want to know. know if their kid is alive, okay, whatever. And the way that they manage that anxiety is by staying in constant contact with their child and sometimes even becoming like very annoying and bothering them

all the time, calling them, texting them, wanting to know their whereabouts. And this seems kind of like a nice way that you could tell someone like that, hey, I'm alive without having to actually have a ton of interaction and maybe share details. I don't know. That was just like the first thought that I had that like there could be some utility to this in relationships where someone is trying to differentiate doesn't want to talk to somebody who's going to ask them a ton of questions and like always be bothering them, but they also need to show that they're okay. Or if someone was going to like say, go away and want to take a break or have some time to themselves, like, they could just kind of like tap this and the other person knows they're okay and doesn't bother them. I don't know.

I understand why this seems like an overall negative thing that we need to have an app like this, but I also do see some positive utility for it with the groups that I work with. So very interesting. Let me know what you think of the app. Would you use it? Are there situations where you think that someone would use it or where it could be positive. Okay, let's get into today's questions. I'm going to read the first one. And just as a note, you can always send me your questions to Whitney at Callinghome.com. You can send me a voice note or you can send me a written question and I will choose usually one or two of them every week for the show. Fellow clinician here, love your content and frequently share your amazing resources with my clients. Thank you. I

really appreciate that. I have been wanting to write in for some time, regarding a potential question to submit. I would love if you can point me in any direction of past podcasts or resources that you think would be beneficial on this topic. Your podcast regarding a parent that does not want a relationship is somewhat similar to my question. Over the past 18 years, we've experienced growing apart from my in-laws. I see my partner in a difficult position of wanting to maintain any semblance of a relationship, but it frequently causes deep emotional hurt. In our case, we have invited them for holidays, have asked to spend time together, join for significant milestones or events for our children,

phone calls to keep our kiddos in a relationship. Although they are very kind, they acknowledge our feelings, but do little to change. They often say how our family is, like an excuse for them not to engage. It's come to a point where we have stopped inviting and making it known to them that we desire a relationship because we are frequently hurt that there is little effort given to keep a close relationship or interest in our children. We frequently see them choose other family members and events over ours, and it has caused a lot of hurt. I find myself in a difficult position of wanting to support my partner and his desire to keep a relationship with his parents, but at the same time

knowing what my personal boundaries are and feeling upset for him and our children to emotionally protect from further hurt. It seems like a dance between leaning into a form of estrangement between no visits. But when they do make an effort, everyone acts like it's all just fine. And truthfully, it just makes it hurt even more. I appreciate all of your resources and contributions of sharing a wealth of information on such a delicate topic for so many. Your work is deeply appreciated. Thank you so much. Okay. I was having this conversation with someone the other day. Not everybody defines closeness or a relationship in the same way. And not everybody everybody needs the same amount of contact or effort to feel like it's a close, good relationship.

And this is something I found researching for my book, that everybody has such different ideas of this. And often those ideas are incompatible. And some people are very satisfied with the amount of contact that they have with someone. They think it's enough. It makes them feel fulfilled and okay, and they have no desire to put in any effort. And they aren't those kind of people that are going to be like on their deathbed saying, oh my gosh, I wish I would have spent more time with my grandchildren or with my family because they genuinely are okay with the amount that they spent. That's what they want for their life. And so when you see these incompatibilities of like, it hurts because I want to be closer to you. I want you to desire more time with me and with my

children, that is coming from a place of this is what I value, what I want, and what I think is considered to be good and close. And so there's ultimately an incompatibility here between desires, values, interests, and what feels like closeness. And I think the biggest thing here is that there has to be a level of acceptance that this is all they want or are willing to give. This is what feels good to them. It's enough. And they may not actually be acting fake around you or like everything is fine because they genuinely think everything is fine.

Seeing their grandkids once a year or talking to you on the phone once a month, like is enough for them. And I think that that's where the grief comes in is like, I thought it was going to be different. I didn't want to have this type of relationship with these people. I wanted them to know my children more, to show more interest, to choose us over others. And it's not happening. And that's very disappointing to me. And as a partner, when I look at my spouse and I see them being hurt by this, I want to

protect them. And I want their parents to show up for them and for our children. this like rewounding in a lot of ways for both of you. It's a breach in expectations. And it's hard to accept that and to grieve it. But I think that that's the key here. Because if your partner wants to have a relationship with their parents, a relationship can mean a lot of things.

For some people, a relationship is talking twice a year. For some people, it's talking every day and seeing each other multiple times a month. And so it sounds like you all don't have a very like cohesive definition of what a relationship means. And I think this is where people jump to thinking they need to become estranged because for them it's either we have no relationship or we have this type of relationship. And I want to encourage you to maybe think about what could this relationship be if I accept what they want it to be? And can I give up the hope of it being more than that? And how dangerous is that for me, for my children, for my partner? I think also this doesn't have to be framed for your children

or mean that, oh, these people don't care about you. It's more that this is their capacity. This is what they're willing to give. And it's okay if your children don't feel very close to them because of that. That's a consequence of not seeing someone a lot, right? So if I only see someone twice a year and occasionally talk to them on the phone, like, and that's all they're giving me, I might not feel very connected or close to that person. And that's a consequence that these grandparents and parents are going to have to deal with. But at the same time, I don't think that our children have to feel that that's a reflection of their worth or of them. We can teach ourselves to interpret that data as that's their capacity, that's their willingness.

And I am going to match that. You know, I'm not going to maybe ask them for more or depend on them or share all these really important, like small or big details about my life with them because we aren't close in my eyes. These are people that I see very infrequently. I think sometimes when you redefine it that way, it takes the sting out of it. and makes it less about they don't like us, they don't want to be close with us, they don't enjoy spending time with us, they don't care about our children, and instead say, this is the kind

of relationship that they want to have with us. This is what they're willing to provide. Are we willing to accept that? Is that enough for us? Or do we feel that it's better to have no relationship with them than that? And I don't think that this means that you have to say, I love this type of relationship. I feel so close to these people. They are the closest people to me in my life.

I would go to them an emergency. In fact, I think you redefine their role in your life entirely. They may not get access to certain parts of your life because of the level of their investment. And that's okay. But it's more about you grieving the expectations and maybe ideas that you had about what this would look like, allowing your partner to define the relationship. on their own terms and also being there if they are also grieving like, hey, I thought this was going to be really different with my parents. And knowing that some people do not want to have the same type of

relationships that we have. And that can be very hurtful. All right. Let's do the second question. Hello, this podcast has been a lighthouse for me. Thank you. And I'm really glad to hear that. I am an adult-only child of an emotionally immature mom. My parents divorced seven years ago. My mom's life spiraled and so did her character. Over the last year, our relationship has become horribly strained and we have limited contact, usually just her reaching out on social media every few weeks with some harsh words for me. I believe she doesn't text or call me because we pay for her phone bill. I'm married, seriously planning to start trying for children in the next year, but I know my relationship with my mom will be a dark cloud over this exciting new chapter in my life. I'm sorry,

that's so hard. I don't want a dark cloud. I don't foresee my mom putting in the work between now and when my future children are here. I also don't want to shell out money on my time and money to push her into therapy for the both of us when I would rather be investing my money into other life goals with my husband and future children. I get that. I will be sorry to not have a healthy mom around when I am pregnant and when I welcome a baby. I also recognize that having minimal contact has drastically relieved my anxiety and stress. friends and family who know the situation agree with me. What do I tell other people during the next

chapter? In-laws, husbands, friends, et cetera. How do I tell my mom when I do become pregnant? How do I not let the situation overshadow this exciting time? What happens when the baby arrives? Okay. Let's start with the first question. I think that what you tell other people during the next chapter really, really depends on your relationship with them. And I really understand that you want to have this like so planned out. I think especially before having your first child, there is so, so much unknown. It feels very stressful. And you're trying to control everything that is within your power to control like this. I don't know that you having a baby changes anything necessarily about what you need to tell people. So if people ask about your mom, because sometimes they do during

these life stages, right? Like people will say things like, oh, is your mom coming to help you when the baby's born or who's going to be in the room with you? Or your mom must be so excited. You know, people make assumptions. I am a believer that it is okay to lie and withhold information in these situations with people who have not earned a right to have that much access to your story or who have shown that they're not good people to talk to about this. So if somebody says a comment like that, it's okay for you to be like, oh, I'm not sure yet, or I don't know if she's going to travel down, or, you know, actually, we've just decided it's just going to be us in the room or my mom has to work. She's not able to make it to help us, you know, anything like that. I don't know. Or, you know,

we're still working it out, whatever it is. Okay. Now, if there are people that you are closer with that you feel like you want to give a straight answer to but not a lot of detail, you can say things like, my mom actually won't be around when I have the baby. I don't have a relationship with her. I don't have a close relationship with my mom, so she's not going to be involved. Oh, I wish my mom could be there, but she can't.

you know, giving people like the truth without giving the whole story. Now, let's say you are close with your in-laws or a friend and they are really actually wondering and you need their help to step in because you don't have your mom present. You can be honest with people and tell them, I've decided not to have my mom around during the birth of the baby. I don't think that it's going to be the healthiest option for me. And I'm going to need some help because I don't have my mom, you know, letting them know the situation. There are a lot of people who cannot have certain parents around during the addition of a child. If there's anything that I've learned is that the addition of a new baby to a family can make people start acting kind of crazy.

People get competitive. They want to be the center of attention. They want to be the one with the baby. They want to be in the delivery room. Like these situations rarely. make people act better. And I think we have this fantasy that like they will, like, oh, there's going to be a grandchild and they're going to look at that baby and they're going to change. Sure, it happens. But I find that to be the exception, not the rule. And I think when you already have a very difficult relationship with a parent, expecting that to happen is kind of the same thing as like if you're about to get divorced, getting pregnant and thinking that a baby is going to fix your relationship. It just doesn't work. It's not fair to put that on the child. And

postpartum and pregnancy and birth are some of the most precarious and difficult moments in your life where you are hormonal. You don't feel like yourself. You don't look like yourself. I'm eight months pregnant while I'm recording this episode. Like I trust me, I get it. Like there's just a lot going on during that period that makes you even more. emotional, sensitive, et cetera. Okay? So remember that when you are making decisions and try not to make decisions that are going to totally like wreck that time period and make it even more difficult for yourself. You then ask, how do I tell my mom when I do become pregnant? Okay. So I'm going to make the assumption here then that either you want to tell your mom or you think that you have to. And those are

two completely different things. Okay. So I want you to ask yourself that anyone going through this. Like, do I really want to tell my mom or do I feel like I'm going to get in trouble if I don't? What's going to happen if I don't tell her? And then we can think about how you want to share this information. There are a lot of different ways. Do you want to send a text, an email, a phone call? It sounds like you guys don't have a lot of contact right now. So I don't know that. that you want to meet in person and tell her. I also think it's okay to wait. You know, some people wait like 12 weeks to tell other people that they're pregnant.

It's okay to like keep this private, especially if you haven't announced publicly, you're not sharing it on social media. Like she's not going to know. And so just get yourself through those initial days, maybe with as much peace as possible. Think about how you feel. and then it's also really important to run through the potential things that could happen here. How is she going to react? What is she going to demand or ask for? Is she going to really want to be involved in your pregnancy and in the baby's life? Could she potentially say something very mean,

cruel or critical to you? Is this going to be destabilizing for you again during this very difficult time? That I think sometimes, one, it's okay to wait a little bit. It's okay to tell them. in the safest way possible. It's okay to just tell them and then not take it any further than that. And you said something at the end of like, I will be sorry not to have a healthy mom around when I am pregnant and when I welcome a baby. And I think that's the most important thing to remember here is that if you feel like your mother is harmful to you, she's going to hurt you, she cannot be supportive. She's not going to be someone that is good for you. It's not about like, I wish my mom was here. It's like, I wish my mom was healthy enough to be here. And you can remind yourself of that.

You also asked, how do I not let the situation overshadow this exciting time? You really have to remind yourself anyone going through this, that everyone has their flavor of struggle during these moments. And I think having kids, as someone who's like really been in the thick of that stage over the last five years, I've been pregnant five times and I am about to give birth to my third child, like I'm really been in this stage of life. Having kids is very glamorized on the internet. And people show a lot of the really beautiful parts. They show their partner and their family and the help they're getting and the meals they get delivered. But I see on the other side of this that a lot of people are really hurting and struggling during this time. And they don't have all of that

stuff. They don't have the supportive partner or the parents around or, you know, the people that are taking care of them. They don't have resources or the beautiful nursery. And it's not that other people's misery should make you feel happy or better about yourself. I just think it's important to come back to reality and say, no one's postpartum and birth and pregnancy experience is perfect. Everybody has like some flavor of real true difficulty and some people have it easier than others. And this is the one that you are dealing with. And hopefully that means that you will have other parts of your process that go smoothly. Like you will have maybe a healthy pregnancy or you'll have wonderful other support around you or your labor and deliver.

will go well. Like, there are always going to be things that go wrong and go right. And so sometimes just saying to yourself, like, this is just my piece of hard during this. And other people have theirs. No one's situation is perfect when bringing children into the world and the process of getting pregnant and having kids is so hard. Every single one of my experiences has come with a different set of challenges and a different set of benefits and pros and joyous moments, right? And you learn from all of them. And I think you grieve this and allow yourself to say, like, it's hard to not have a healthy mom around present when I'm going through this moment that would be so wonderful to have a mother during because it helps to have your mom when you are becoming a mother.

It's a big grieving process, I think, when you're not able to. And the last question that you asked was what happens when the baby arrives? I think, again, this is one of those things that I don't want you to put pressure on yourself to decide now. Like, you have a long road, right, of getting pregnant, carrying the baby, delivery, all of that, that you can wait and not immediately say, okay, after I have the baby, she's allowed to come over and meet the baby or I'm going to send her pictures or I'm not going to let her see the baby because I'm telling you, you just don't know how you're going to feel.

And you can talk it through. I would get clear on some options. Think about the risks, the benefits of doing it. And also asking yourself, like, if this person is essentially a stranger to me and I don't talk to them and the only thing they do is like maybe send me rude text messages or social media messages occasionally, then is that someone I would invite to meet my newborn? I don't know. This is where there's tension between like the role of mother and the relationship between you and this mother and what deserves priority when making that decision. I think it's wonderful that

you're thinking about all this, that you're being honest with yourself about the status of your mother and the relationship. And I would allow yourself again to like take your time. grieve, be honest about the reality of this, accept it, and know that you are not the only one going through this. You're not the only person that's written in or called this show about a situation like this. Thank you. And I hope that was helpful for anyone that's dealing with family issues that is about to have a baby or thinking about growing your family. Before we close, I just want to pause with you here because I think this episode can stir up a lot for people. And if you're feeling discomfort or unsure after listening to this, it's not a sign that you're regressing or overthinking.

These situations are painful because they are unresolved and they're forcing you to grieve something that's technically like still alive and happening. emotional distance, inconsistent effort, and conditional connection can be just as destabilizing as obvious and overt conflict. You're not unreasonable for noticing these patterns. You're not ungrateful for wanting more than just scraps in relationships. And you're not obligated to keep reentering relationships that repeatedly hurt you simply because they aren't bad enough. You can protect your nervous system, your marriage, and your future family. That is not always avoidance. Sometimes it's just discernment. For the month of February inside calling home, we are continuing our focus on parental rejection and abandonment, including what it

looks like when parents remain physically present, but emotionally unavailable. Every Monday, new content is sent to you and added to the website to help you understand what's happening, make informed choices, and move forward without gaslighting yourself or staying stuck in a false cycle of hope. Members also have access to unlimited support groups led by therapists, our private confidential discussion boards, and more, because this work is not meant to be done alone. If this topic hit close to home, take care of yourself after listening to this, and thank you for being here. You can join at the Family Cycle Breakers Club, our membership community at Calling Home at www.com at www.callinghome.com. I will see you next week on Calling Home.

The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below. Thank you.