CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Reconnecting After No Contact

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey everyone and welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. Today we have a Q&A episode where I'm going to be answering two caller questions. We're going to be talking about two moments that many people face when they're healing and trying to redefine family. So those moments where you've worked so hard to build peace and then a decision comes up that threatens to shake that piece again. We'll be exploring two listener questions that beautifully capture this tension. Remember that you can always email me a question to Whitney at callinghome.com. You can write me or send me a voice note and I will pick your question to answer live on the show. The first question today is from someone who, after years of painful boundary violations,

Starting point is 00:00:49 went no contact with their in-laws. Now after a long and healing pause, she and her husband are wondering, is it possible to reopen that door safely? How do you move forward without reopening old wounds? The second question comes from a listener who just bought her first home and wants to host a birthday party, but there's one family member whose presence makes everything a little more tense. She asks, how do you handle problematic relatives who don't respect your space, your boundaries, or your independence? These questions might sound different on the surface, but they share a common theme. What does it mean to protect your peace and stay connected to family? How do we honor our growth when others haven't changed? So today we'll talk about what healthy

Starting point is 00:01:39 reconnection can look like after distance, how to recognize when you're ready, and what it means to set and keep boundaries when relatives resist them. If you've ever wrestled with guilt, loyalty, or the fear of being heard again, this one's for you. Let's go ahead and get to that first question. This person sent me an email with their question, and I am going to read it to you. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have two kids. Our relationship with my husband's parents has been difficult ever since our kids were born. They are 13 and 11 now. There is so much backstory that I could share. My in-laws have consistently crossed boundaries. They show little support for the way we parent and their words and actions don't align. They blame me for issues

Starting point is 00:02:25 within the family. The grandkids drive their interest in our family and we feel insignificant. We are guilt-tripped often and their lives seem to revolve around us. We ended up moving a few states away about 10 years ago. I went no contact with them a year and a half ago after I received an unpleasant email from my mother-in-law. My husband went no contact about six months ago. The break in communication has been amazing for us, and we both now are toying with the idea of slowly opening communication back up with them. How would you suggest doing this? We are so worried about getting hurt again. We feel like there are things we want to address from the past, but we also don't want to rehash things if it won't be productive. Is it more important to focus

Starting point is 00:03:11 on what the future looks like? We are struggling to know how to move forward. Okay, amazing question. I am going to try to break down my philosophy of reconciliation and reconnection. And you all can choose to take or leave what doesn't work for you and what doesn't apply. And I have another episode about everything that you need to reconcile. It's called reconciliation in relationships. And then I also have an episode on apologies that might be a helpful addition to this. And you can go search for those. So I imagine that you're feeling like you want to reconnect probably because it's been like peaceful and you're feeling good. That's part of it. And maybe you're realizing, hey, we want to have them in our lives or we want them around our kids. We want to see if we can

Starting point is 00:04:02 figure this out. I think these relationships are ultimately a lot of the time, you know, worth trying for and at least you get that information and feedback that we tried. This isn't working. at least we gave it our best shot. And there's a very good chance that it could work and it could be successful. So the first thing I want you and your husband to get clear on is what needs to be different this time? What are the things that we are willing to tolerate and what are we not willing to tolerate? What do we need to have in place to make sure that we feel good in this relationship. And I want you to focus on what you can do, not what you're going to get them to do or make them do because they may not be willing to do any of this. There could be things that you

Starting point is 00:04:52 need to think about around frequency of contact, how often you're going to see them or talk to them, what role they're going to play in the children's lives and in your lives, certain things that you need to repair and talk about before you can move forward if there are any of those things. and then also thinking about exactly like you said, what is the future going to be like? I think that your question about is it most important to focus on the future is rooted in how much the past is still impacting your dynamic with them and still showing up. And what I mean by that is are there things from the past that they've done? You mentioned like this email that she sent you or things they've done with the kids that

Starting point is 00:05:36 are like eating away at you and that you feel like I can't be around this person and like be normal and feel good if we don't address these things if I don't get an apology or some form of accountability. If you feel like I can move forward and really what matters to me is what we do in the future, then focus on that, totally. But you have to get clear on those things. And you might have different things than your partner does, you know, because these are his parents and your in-laws and those relationships are fundamentally different. And so can the two of you make space for what each other needs and allow like conversations about those things and allow each other to have different needs in this situation is very important?

Starting point is 00:06:18 There is a piece of this that I think could be on you to accept and would make you feel better. And that is this part about their lives revolve around like your kids. And it seems like they don't really care about you guys. this happens a lot with grandparents, right? I think it's like a common experience that I hear from a lot of adults of like all they care about is seeing the kids and doing stuff with the kids. They don't ask us about our life. They don't seem really interested. And honestly, like, that's painful. And it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I think that that's something you can say with your husband. Like, you know what? If we have a relationship with them, they might just want to be like super focused on the kids.

Starting point is 00:07:04 That's all they're going to care about. And it's all we're going to be able to talk to them about or do with them as kids' stuff. And is that okay for us? Can we work on healing from this need to have them see us and acknowledge us and care about us? And some people would say, no, I need that. I need that from them. And others would say, you know what? I am going to admit and accept that these people are never going to give me that.

Starting point is 00:07:27 And I'm going to get that instead from other relationships and really just say, these people, cannot meet this need. They are not going to meet this need. I'm going to stop looking to them to meet this need. That can be helpful. And it can free up some space and energy and like get rid of some resentment that you have in that area if you so choose. But that can be helpful because sometimes people are just only good with younger kids. And you might even see like as your kids get older, they struggle with your kids in the same way that they're struggling with you and that's hard. And so with all of these things to me, it's like nothing is forever. And if it's good right now and they're finding a way to connect to my kids and get along with them and they're treating them well,

Starting point is 00:08:13 okay, I will figure out the next stage when we get there. Sometimes we have this way of projecting what happened with us with our parents or with our in-laws onto our children and assuming that they have the same experience with those grandparents. And that's not always the case. your kids are a little bit older here though like 11 and 13 they know what's up they can observe things they know when grandma and grandpa are being weird or if they're fighting with mom and dad and so that's something to be aware of as well is like what do we want to expose the kids to what are they going to be seeing and learning from these relationships and like what types of boundaries or behavior do we want to be modeling for our kids getting clear on all this

Starting point is 00:08:57 stuff before you open up the floodgates with them i think is very very much. very, very important. Then, okay, you're going to attempt to reengage contact. Let's set this up for a couple of options that can happen here. They welcome you back with open arms. They're very excited about this relationship and they want to move forward and repair and do all these wonderful things, most ideal. Then we have the more likely option, which is like they also have some conditions for the relationship and they're feeling hurt and out in the cold from this no contact and you know they have their own stuff that they want you to do for them and it becomes more of this like we're both a little afraid to get back into this with each other and it becomes

Starting point is 00:09:44 more of a negotiation relational repair etc. The other end of the extreme is that they don't want a repair. And they don't want to go back to having a relationship because you ended the relationship with them. They're upset about that and they are not going to go back. And I think that it's very wise for you guys to kind of sit down and be like, are we okay with any of those options happening? And are any of those options happening going to take us out and make us like really upset and unable to function and bring us down and make it so hard for us? I also would recommend not involving the kids in all of this until there's some progress that happens. You know, you don't need to tell them, we're going to try to talk to grandma and grandpa and see if

Starting point is 00:10:32 they want to have a relationship with us because it might be very difficult for the kids to take on, you know, the fact that you tried to do that and then maybe they didn't want to or they had certain stipulations that were not agreeable, things like that, especially because your kids are at this age. there's also the option of like, do you want your kids to have a separate relationship with them? Is that safe for them to have a relationship with them and you guys just kind of have surface level contact or not really a deep relationship? I think those are all options.

Starting point is 00:11:06 And I applaud you for thinking this through and considering if it's something that you want to do and thinking through your options, I think that you have to kind of remember that none of this is permanent. You can always change your mind. You can always assess, go back, see what's going on, make an attempt. If it doesn't go well, that's data and information that I can use to then make my next decision and not really put yourself in this box of like, I have to do this and this is what it has to look like because that's usually when we feel very cornered and like we don't have any choices. Thank you so much for sending in this question. I think that it's going to be really helpful to a lot of other people.

Starting point is 00:11:50 And I hope for any of you that are working on potentially reconciling or re-engaging contact with someone that that is helpful for you. It's the Nissan Black Friday event where you can, wait, wait, wait. Isn't it like a month long now? Nissan Blackfri Month? Does that work? It's the Nissan Black Fry Month event. On remaining 2025 Rogan Centra, get zero percent financing.

Starting point is 00:12:14 Plus, get $1,000, Nissan bonus. on Kix models. This Black Friday, you've got a whole month to catch all the exclusive offers waiting for you. See your local Nissan dealer or Nissan.ca for details. Conditions apply. Let's get to the next question. I also received this question via email and so I'm going to read it to you. I'm writing in because I recently bought my first house and I want to have my family over for my birthday, but don't want to invite my problematic uncle. I plan to also include my mom. I plan to also include my mom's birthday because our birthdays are three days apart and the party date falls after her birthday. And I know she would want to invite her brother, my problematic uncle. It's not like he has

Starting point is 00:12:58 a substance use issue. It's just his personality. He has been a bad guest in the past, but I don't think I can invite everyone and not invite him. He acts like he owns the house, but it's my house that I bought with my husband. I feel like he doesn't respect me or women in general because he makes sexist comments and he doesn't respect the house rules like no food or drinks on my new white couch. And when we remind him, he complains that there are too many rules and regulations and he can't remember. Growing up, my mom and I depended on him a bit because my mom was a single mom and he's never had a wife or kids. And I don't think he likes that I am now independent. It feels like he pretends to be generous, but uses gifts and helping

Starting point is 00:13:44 family for power. And he doesn't like that he doesn't have power over me anymore. I guess my question is, how do you navigate problematic aging relatives? How do you maintain boundaries when relatives are rude and power tripping? Any advice would be appreciated. Okay. This is one of those situations where I'm going to say that probably anything you choose to do is going to hurt someone or have negative consequences or be of some kind of issue. for you, right? I think this person's analysis is probably on point about the uncle. Something else I would throw in here is that maybe your mom feels indebted to him like she has to include him because he helped her and she's kind of taking on that role with him.

Starting point is 00:14:36 Now, there are a couple of things I will say to you. You have to decide what your priority is here. So you have your house and there are things that are important to you in the house as well as how you're treated in the house. It sounds like this person is very annoying and unreasonable. And I understand why you don't want someone in your house that's making sexist comments and breaking your rules up. I don't want that in my house. But I probably have to invite him under the assumption that he's going to behave as he always

Starting point is 00:15:12 has. I cannot invite him under the assumption that he is going to do something different, that he's suddenly going to listen to me and be kind and be respectful. So if I invite him, I know how he's going to act and I need to be ready to deal with that. Now, there's also the option that you could say to your mom, I don't want to invite Uncle Jim and I'm not going to have him at the house. And then you potentially disappoint your mom? Can she handle that? Can your relationship withstand that? Are you okay with disappointing your mom in that way or having that be her birthday? That's another like sort of negative consequence, right? It saves you from having to deal with your uncle and have him in your house and all those other consequences. But maybe then you have this

Starting point is 00:16:05 outcome, which one feels more manageable or better for you between those two. That's what I would think about. Third option is you don't include your mom's birthday and you just make it your birthday and then you only invite, you know, the people that you want to be there for your birthday. That's easier to control and you do something else with your mom or your mom does something, you know, that is including her brother that isn't in your home. And maybe that makes it feel a little bit more manageable that you don't have this uncle in your house, like disrespecting you in your own home, which feels very, very different. Another option is, can you talk to your mom about this when you are telling her that you don't want him there? How understanding do you think she would be or do you think

Starting point is 00:16:56 she would still be quite defensive about wanting him there because he has been helpful and and kind of her defenses around that are built up, okay? The idea of maintaining boundaries of a rude power-tripping relative in your house, to me, there's not much that you can control because this is sort of like it's reminding me of my toddler. Like, I tell him not to do something and he's like, I'm going to do it anyways. Like, ha-ha, watch me. And you can only go so far with telling an adult, don't have a drink on my white

Starting point is 00:17:32 couch if they still say you have too many rules i'm sitting on your couch with the drink what are you going to do physically remove them like you run out of options here and so if you know how someone typically behaves when they're in your home and you invite them i think they're probably going to behave that way and i'm not saying like oh blame the the victim but it's like that's the most you can control is not inviting him to your home and not welcoming him in but of course i understand that could disappoint your mom, create issues there. There's downsides all around. It's more about picking what feels the most manageable for you. But there's always like one uncle like that at least, right? In every family, I think. And I always use Uncle Jim. So sorry for all the gyms out there

Starting point is 00:18:23 who I'm always slandering as the crazy uncle. All right. Thank you so much for listening to the calling home podcast. If today's conversation resonated with you, I'd love for you to take a moment to leave a comment or review the show. It really helps more people find these episodes and feel a little less alone in their family story. And if you haven't already, please make sure you're subscribed to calling home so you don't miss new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. If you're ready to go a little deeper into this work, I'd love to invite you to join at the Family Cycle Breakers Club. This is our membership community inside Calling Home, where we explore topics like parentification, estrangement, boundaries, and healing family dynamics with guided lessons,

Starting point is 00:19:09 support groups, and monthly themes that meet you exactly where you are. You can join us anytime at calling home.co. Thank you again for being here, for listening, and for doing this work with me. And thank you so much for these caller questions this week. I will see you on Tuesday for an episode about the show, Nobody Wants This with my guest co-host Meg Josephson, the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Are You Mad at Me? See you then. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman.

Starting point is 00:19:52 For more information on this, please see Collingholm's terms of service linked in the show notes below.

CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Reconnecting After No Contact

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