CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Sibling Relationships After Divorce, Caring For Aging Parents and Supporting No Contact

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

Today on the podcast, Whitney Goodman dives into your questions left on the Calling Home voicemail. The first caller discusses her strained relationship with her brother after their parents' divorce and their mother's subsequent struggles with addiction and mental health. Then, the second caller asks about the responsibility of caring for aging parents, particularly when the relationship has been difficult or abusive. Finally, our final voicemail comes from a listener asking how to support a friend whose sister has cut off contact with the family.  Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hello and welcome back to the calling home podcast. I'm so excited to be here with you today to answer some caller questions. You all call home, I answer and let you know what I think about the family

situation that you're in. If you'd ever like to get my opinion or my take on your situation, you can call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voice in. Let's get to our first caller. Hi, Whitney. I absolutely love your podcast, and I'll try to keep this brief, but I did notice that the next episode was going to be about adult sibling relationships, and this is really speaking to me currently. My brother and I have always been close. It's just me and him. We're six years apart, but we're best friends, and I've always loved being a big sister.

Our parents went through a nasty divorce back in the early 2000s, which resulted in us being left in our childhood home with a mother who was literally falling apart emotionally and using self-harm and alcohol to numb the pain from the divorce she didn't want while my dad just left. He would attempt to come back to check on us only for her to be combative. We were left to call the cops on my mom and sent her to rehab. several times and this is just a brief summary of the drama that my brother and I dealt with we were ages 19 and 13 at the time and we also didn't have support from other family members who saw it as my dad's or our problem and no one

really came to our aid we have had continuing traumatic experiences with my mother including more addiction mental health and near homelessness that our family continues to just assume that we deal with through all of this our sibling relationship stayed very strong and we We were always in each other's corner. Currently, my mom is safe and in an AA house, and me and my brother have been able to go on with our lives as now we are parents and spouses. But I've noticed a drastic change in the amount of time we spend together and how much we talk.

It's as if now that there's no current issues with mom, it's like we have nothing to talk about. How do we have a relationship, especially for the sake of our children who are cousins, and I am currently estranged from both parents. So he literally is all I have from our unit, my family unit growing up. How do we have a relationship without trauma bonding? How do we regain that relationship or can we? There's just not much intention on his part to reach out and make plans. We did spend quite a bit of our single young adult lives kind of in an avoidance survival mode

and not really seeing family much. So I'm afraid it's become a bad habit or a coping mechanism. So anything you can speak to this would be very, very helpful. Thank you, Whitney. I'm so sorry that you were put in that role as children and as teenagers. That would be extremely difficult. And it sounds like the two of you were parentified and definitely put in situations that were beyond your ability to cope.

and I have no doubt that that, of course, impacted your relationship in a variety of ways and also, you know, just your own development into adults. I would absolutely encourage you to go to the Calling Home community. We have an entire module on adult sibling relationships, and I also have episodes with Fern Schumer Chapman that speaks to this, and Dr. Jeffrey Gryfe. that I would absolutely listen to because I think they would be really helpful to you and anyone else in this situation. But I also want to answer your question

and give you some suggestions. Sometimes siblings, and I talk about this in my conversation with Fern Schumer Chapman, they become reminders to one another of what happened in the past with their parents, with the trauma, and it can be very hard to detach from that.

And so sometimes avoidance of the sibling, feels like the best and only option because you are so triggered by just being around them and the memories that come with that. You are also always going to share that bond in some way. You know, you and your brother are the only ones that went through this experience together and knows what it was like to be there with one another. And that being said, you went through this experience together, but you also both had likely very different experiences and memories of it because of your age and your development and the roles that you played and your personality as all of this was happening. And that has likely resulted in different injuries,

different skill sets for both of you. And so you might be desiring closeness at this time or wanting to have a relationship and he may still be stuck in the stage of like, I need distance and that can be really difficult, especially when there is not a lot of other family to anchor you in this moment or to feel connected to. I think that it's important for you and your brother to get to know one another as adults outside of just these experiences. And it might also be important for the two of you to share what it felt like to go through that time in your life and what it's like now, you know, that your mom might have more stability, but you still have those memories and those experiences and how you're navigating that. And some people are more willing to

have those conversations than others. And so I think seeing where he's at with that is important and you know what he's able to do at this time. And it's also okay to slowly like wade into a new relationship with one another that isn't based on the memories that you share if that feels too difficult or too traumatic or too triggering. And sometimes that's what people need is the ability to just say like, I know we went through all this stuff together and we have all these things. But like I just want to get to know you now. And we have that shared foundation. but I don't know if I want that to be the biggest part of our relationship or our story

and that's okay. Hey Whitney, thanks for all you do. I'm calling because I'm curious of your perspective on taking care of parents in their old age. I know that this is obviously very nuanced considering what care might be needed for them, how much parents have prepared for that time in their life, the relationship to the kids or the kids

plural, the traditional mindset compared to modern day belief changes, things like that for myself, I guess as an exercise, I don't have the best relationship of my parents and have a bit of resentment thinking of taking care of them, considering I feel as if I've taken care of them emotionally my whole life and how they each haven't prepared much for that time of their life respectively. In a nutshell, I want to, but the conditions make me not want to. I know it's a different for everyone, so I'm just curious on your general take on it. Thank you. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to, and hit play on your next adventure.

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delivered. Vanna? That's a no. But a banana. That's a yes. A nice tan. Sorry. Nope. But a box fan. Happily, yes. A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. Thank you for this question. I think that being a caregiver for aging parents is something that I want to devote an entire month and module to inside calling home. home. But to answer your question, I agree with you. I think this is very nuanced and complicated. And I will say that I've worked with people who have been caregivers for parents who were abusive to them. And it was incredibly healing and helpful for them. And it really helps them feel like they were sending their parents, you know, off in a different way. And it felt like it changed the dynamic of the relationship for them, made them feel maybe a

like they had a little bit more power and independence within that relationship with their parent. And so I've seen that be true for some people. And then I've seen people in the middle who say, you know, I cannot be the primary caregiver for my parent in a physical sense. I cannot spend that much time with them or have them in my home. But I might be willing to organize things, to be a point of contact, to pick up medications, to control, to control. contribute financially to their care and to do things that are very helpful but that don't always put them in the line of fire per se of possibly being treated poorly by their parent continuously while they are taking care of them. And I think this is also a really important thing to remember

is that as your parent ages, they are going to go through changes that might make it so that they are not as abusive to you anymore or they are not harmful to you because, of changes with their memory, their speech, their ability to interact with others, things like that that can certainly make it so that the relationship dynamic feels safer to you. There are also parents who, of course, continue the exact behavior with their adult children that they did in childhood when their adult child is taking care of them in adulthood. And some adults say, I cannot do this. I cannot be involved in my parents' care.

I do not feel like I owe them after the way that they treated me for the entirety of my life and that I feel no obligation or duty to this person in the same way that I wouldn't feel an obligation or a duty to take care of anyone else that was abusive to me. And I think this is one of the only situations where we try to tell people that they do need to take care of their abusers. And I don't necessarily agree with that in all situations. I think it has to be right. And I do think that for certain people, it can be quite healing and beneficial. And I think for others, it can be very traumatic and life-altering for them to be forced back into a position of taking care of someone that was very harmful to them.

Now, something that you said that I think is important is you said, I want to, but the conditions make me not want to. And so it sounds like you have some desire to care for your parents in some way. And when people feel that way, I think it's important to listen to that voice because that might be something that you want to have with you when they are gone. It's something that you want to feel good about that you are doing maybe for yourself more than you're necessarily doing it for them. And so maybe you could think about and consider the ways you could be helpful to your parents that feel in line with your values, your availability, what you have access to, and do those things. Now, whenever I talk about this topic, I think it can be

incredibly triggering for some people, for parents, you know, who feel like adults these days just don't have time for their parents and they don't want to take care of them. And personally and professionally, that has not been my experience. I think I have witnessed many adult children in my personal life and in my professional life dedicate really every moment that they have to caring for their parents in old age. in the best way that they can, and those that don't often have very legitimate reasons not to. And so I don't think this is as simple as just like, I just don't want to take care of my parents because I can't be bothered.

I think there's a lot of other stuff beneath the surface that we have to navigate, and each person will have to come to this in a different way and really consider when they go what feels the most authentic to me, what will help me feel good about myself and like I did what was important to me and in alignment with my values. And when you can turn it back on yourself, that can be a helpful way to explore that. And then also trying to look at any cultural norms, any societal norms, anything that you feel like is being asked of you and asking yourself, like, is this something important to me? Is this a cultural thing that I would like to continue, that I would like to show my children? Is this a type of dedication or

devotion that I think is an important cultural norm? And that doesn't put anyone necessarily in harm's way. And there's a lot of different ways to do this. But you were exactly right that it is not an easy answer and there's a lot of nuance to it and I hope that you're able to find a way to navigate this that works best for you. Hi Whitney. I have a question about how to support my friend whose sister went no contact with her and the rest of her family. So her sister stopped talking to my friend and the rest of her family about a year and a half ago and my friend is having a really hard time with it. And I'm trying to support her, but on one hand, I can see why her sister went no contact just because I've known my friend since childhood, and I know the family

dynamics was such that the sister was kind of the scapegoat for everything, you know, more likely than not undeservingly so. And I want to help my friend, like, feel okay and listen to her, but she's getting more and more demeaning in the way that she talks about her sister. I know she's hurting a lot, and I just want to know the best way to support her while she's dealing with being the one on the end of the estrangement that's, you know, didn't have any choice in the matter. Thanks so much. This is so hard because I think sometimes we view being supportive as just being affirming and validating. And I think some people expect, like, when they come to therapy

for that to be what they get from the therapy, right? Just a therapist saying, you're right, it's okay. You're allowed to feel that way. And sometimes we can get in these patterns with our friends. And there's some situations where they really need that and that is the most supportive thing. And there are other situations where we kind of have to tow the line between like really asking people the right questions, kind of highlighting their blind spots

for them, and also being loving and kind and supportive. And it seems like you have a close relationship with this person to where she does share these things with you and might be open to having these kinds of conversations with you, but that you are having a little bit of trepidation about possibly being honest with her. And that could be a sign that, this person doesn't have a ton of emotional maturity, right? It seems like they're having a lot of trouble seeing any other side but their own. They might be feeling very hurt or ashamed by their sibling, not speaking to them. And so they revert to, you know, only talking about one side of the story or not really taking accountability. And so I think you have to evaluate like what would it be like

for me to ask my friend some questions about this or to get curious about why the estrangement happened, what would feel good for me and aligned with like how I feel about this situation. But there's also the other side of like, do you want to get involved in this? And do you feel like it's your thing to fix or to repair or to help guide this person through? And so I think the other thing that you can do is if you decide this person really doesn't have the capacity right now to see another side or to evaluate this with me, that you can also set boundaries around some of these discussions and how much conversation you're having with your friend about this, how much advice you're giving and also encourage other outlets like therapy or joining a group like calling home or going online to some other resources. and trying to help her develop insight outside of the friendship. But I do think it's this very fine line here of being supportive and being understanding and knowing that anybody in these situations, whether they are the one going no contact

or on the receiving end of being no contact with a family member, is likely in a lot of pain. And sometimes they show that pain in ways that don't totally make sense to us. And so I think this is so on a case-by-case basis depending on this relationship, but I would right now probably listen, try to seek understanding. And then if the other person is open, slowly move into the territory of trying to understand why this may have happened if that's a role that you want to take on in this friendship and that you feel like is important to the integrity of your friendship. Thank you so much for calling in with those amazing questions this week. I love getting to speak with each of you and learn more about the difficult things that your families are going through and hopefully help you navigate some of those situations. If you have your own situation that you're working through with an adult family member, please don't hesitate to call 866-225-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I may choose your question for an upcoming

Thursday Q&A episode of the Calling Home podcast. If you would like to join the calling home community and interact with other family cycle breakers in groups, work on worksheets, read articles, and take everything you're learning from this podcast to the next level, you can join me at calling home.com inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. Thank you.