CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Spouse Doesn’t Understand Going No Contact; Being the Family Scapegoat

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Whitney is answering more of your questions from the Calling Home voicemail line. The first caller is struggling with her spouse's lack of support for her decision to maintain no contact with her family, even in emergencies. The second caller, identified as the family scapegoat, is torn between cutting off contact with her family or trying to maintain a relationship for the sake of her own children.  Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Head over to cozyearth.com and use promo code "callinghome" for an exclusive 35% off. Click here to get “Toxic Positivity” on paperback.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hey, everyone, happy Thursday, and welcome back to the calling home podcast. This is our Q&A episode where I answer real caller questions and tell them what I think about the issue

that they are having with their family. As a reminder, if you have any questions for me, you can always leave me a voicemail at 866-225-5-4-66. All right, let's hear you. All right, let's hear from our first caller. Hi, Whitney. I have a sort of unique question. I've been struggling with what I feel is my spouse not being fully supportive of my decision to maintain no contact with my family under any circumstances, even in emergencies like hospitalizations or death.

For example, recently, we both received a text from my mother informing us that my grandfather was in the hospital. And it was for some minor reason also, but it doesn't matter whether it was dire or not. I just feel there's no reason to have any contact or any sort of thing if I'm choosing not to have a relationship with them. So I was pretty angry that he replied and had to, again, reiterate the no contact. And I feel that this just keeps coming up. There's always something.

And he's just like, oh, well, I didn't think that it meant that it included this, or I didn't think that it meant that. And I just feel that this is just an issue that keeps coming up. And even before the no-contact, I feel that there are issues with him fully supporting me with the issues I was having with the relationship with my family. And I prefer that he does not have contact with my family as well because it feels like them having indirect access to me through having contact with him. So I'm just wondering how I can deal with this situation, because even though I again reiterated and made it clear to him recently regarding that most recent contact and how I was upset that he responded and that no contact means no contact, and he said that he understood, I just feel

that this will come up again or I just can't quite believe that he's understanding and supportive, even though he says that he is, because again, it keeps coming up. Appreciate your take on this. Thanks. Thank you so much for calling in. I think this is really difficult because unfortunately, some things look okay from the outside to people who don't have as much knowledge about the situation. And I've talked about this before with people that, like, what might seem really benign, right, like reaching out when someone's in the hospital or sending a card or something like that to an outsider who hasn't really fully experienced the family dynamics or doesn't

really get the severity of it, it might seem like, oh, this really wasn't that big of a deal. Like, I thought, you mentioned this, like, oh, I thought it meant this or it didn't mean that. And I think that's because we're all seeing family relationships typically through our own lens, right? And so we think, okay, if someone texts you about an emergency, like, that could never be rooted in malice or manipulation if that is something that you yourself have not experienced. And so a lot of the time what you're describing here kind of falls under that umbrella in my experience of like people just really not being able to comprehend that like some of these behaviors are not actually just like normal or benign or things that

happen in like the things that happen in other people's families. And you may not ever be able to get people to understand that unless they fully are able to learn about this and immerse themselves in it. I think if it's not your life and it's not something that you study or you spend a lot of time interacting with people around, it can be pretty difficult to get. And some people don't want to get it. They don't want to see a family that way. They don't want to be involved in those types of dynamics. They don't want to believe that that type of dynamic exists, whatever it is. and everybody has their unique motivations for that, that I think it's hard to see it that way. For anyone that has someone in their life who is getting involved in their no contact relationship,

you know, whether that's responding to messages or spending time with this person or still remaining closer involved with them in some way, I think you have to have a lot of boundary-setting conversations about what is appropriate, what isn't, how it makes you feel. And those might be things like you said that continue to come up. And I know that that seems scary or overwhelming that these things would continue to come up and you're going to have to keep dealing with them. But you have to remember that this has likely been a long time process for you that you've taken time to work through and come to this decision. And some people, you know, it sounds like this caller as well, feel very settled and secure in that decision and know that

it's the right thing. And the people around us may not always be following that same exact path. They may not be able to get on board as quickly as you. And that doesn't mean that you can't have boundaries and limits and expectations and, you know, kind of like consequences for some of that behavior. But I do think that this will probably be a conversation that continues to happen. And each time these different things come up like someone being sick in the hospital, a holiday, a birthday, whatever it is, you might have to use those as opportunities to kind of have those conversations and say, okay, this is how this went. This is how it made me feel. And this is how I would like it to go next time. And we also can't really control the involvement that people have with other people around them. We can only share how it makes us feel. the impact that it has on us and what we would like to see happen. And then based on that person's reaction to that information, you can decide what you would like to do from there.

And that is not easy. It's a difficult road to walk, especially with people who maybe are just not fully getting it. So I totally understand why it feels like there's always something and another fire to put out because that is kind of how like no contact. works initially. So if anybody's going through this, I wish you all the best. I hope those tips are helpful. And thank you again for calling in. I'm so excited to introduce you this week to Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth bedding is seriously my favorite. Their betting products will

transform your sleep and make it so much easier for you to get comfortable at night. And the thing I love about them is they have temperature regulating in them. So for any of you, moms who are pregnant or postpartum, you know that this is super helpful in something that you need, especially when you're dealing with postpartum night sweats and all that fun stuff. If you want to check out cozy earth's superior softness, unparalleled fabric materials and weave, we have a discount for you. you can use the code Calling Home, C-A-L-L-L-I-N-G, H-O-M-E, all one word, for 35% off at cozyEarth.com. Okay, so, long story short, I was Flash Ann, the family scapegoat. which is very difficult, obviously.

I didn't even really come to realize it until I was about 25 in therapy. My brother is the golden child to a T. I'm not exactly sure about my parents' dynamics, to be honest. But lots of untreated mental illness in the family and lots and lots of generational trauma that was definitely passed down. Long story short, apologies were made when I approached my parents about everything, but there was zero behavior change as far as sticking up for me in situations with my brother and just self-improvement in general, like absolutely zero, follow-through, denial continues to be a huge theme.

they're just not ready or willing to make any kind of big life changes. So basically, I've been, for about three or four years, I've been stuck in this place of not wanting to go no contact altogether, especially now starting a family of my own, but dreading and hating the awkwardness that comes with seeing them once or twice a year. bring so much stress, and honestly, not having a relationship with them bring so much stress. So I'm just kind of in this weird stalemate of, do I let go completely, or do I accept and try to find some sort of forgiveness and, you know, try to let them be grandparents? I know people talk all the time about bad parents being great grandparents.

And, yeah, it's just kind of what I'm struggling with. Thank you. Thank you so much for calling in. This is such a tough thing because I think when people are walking this road, you expect that one of the options is going to feel good, right? Like a lot of people think, like, oh, if I go, no contact, I'm going to immediately feel this sense of relief or peace or whatever. And I know that's true for some people, but I think for a lot of people, it's actually way more complicated and nuanced than that. And there's so much pain and grief on both sides, no matter what decision you decide to make.

When we did the parents who won't apologize module in calling home, I created this checklist. And that's what this question is making me think of. That's called, can you have a relationship with your parent if they do not apologize? And you can get this on. on our website as part of the Family Cycle Breakers Club. But I want to walk you through some of these questions because I think this is true for if your parent won't apologize or if they apologized and they won't change their behavior, right? Because an apology only gets you so far. That really just opens the door for more conversations about actually working together to start a new relationship and ultimately have behavioral change.

And so when the apology comes and there's no behavioral change, it's like the apology is kind of empty. So I'll read you through some of these questions. And I think in this situation, you know, the question would be, if my parent does not change their behavior, can I still feel safe with them? Can I have contact with them at holidays and big life events? Can I have contact with them at group gatherings? Can I include them in my child's life if their behavior allows for it? You know, this caller mentioned grandparents. Can I have surface level conversations with them via phone, text, email, et cetera?

Can I have limited contact with them? Can I wish them things like happy insert holiday or happy birthday? Can I have regular contact with them? Can I share details about my life with them? So that's about half the questions that are on this checklist and you can go and download it to answer more of the questions. But I think asking yourself these questions about this relationship is very important because it's not always about full no contact or fully enmeshed constant contact type

of relationships. I know that we tend to live in those extremes. And for a lot of people, I think those extremes don't feel good. And so I always want people to like walk their own unique path with this stuff and figure out what amount of contact and what type of relationship works for them and that person at this time in their life and know that this is something that can change and it doesn't have to be totally like fixed or set in stone because you're going to change, your circumstances are going to change, your parent might change and the dynamic can like always be in flux if that

gives you more peace than saying like, okay, this is settled and it has to be. to be this way. So I would definitely walk through some of these questions and think about like what feels best for me right now. Do I need to take a break? Do I need to have another conversation with them? Like what feels the most accessible for me in this moment? But I understand the pain of being the family scapegoat or feeling like your parents are not kind of playing fair between you and your sibling, and that can make things even more complicated. And so you have to really just trust that like your experience is your experience and your sibling has their own experience and their own ways of interacting with your

parents and you get to decide in adulthood how you would like your relationship to play out with all the members of the family. Thank you so much for calling in. I hope that's helpful for anyone else that's going through this situation. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail.

I do these episodes every Thursday, and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the calling home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos. get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks, and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider

and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.