CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: When My Dad Texts Me, It Makes Me Sick To My Stomach

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

Accepting what Is and managing your relationship with parents who may never apologize or change their behavior is not an easy path. It requires a deep level of acceptance, acknowledging that your parents might not become the people you wish they were, and understanding that healing begins with accepting the situation as it is, not as you hope it would be. The path also involves setting boundaries that protect your emotional well-being while allowing space for the relationship to evolve. Whether you choose to continue contact or distance yourself, the focus should be on what serves your growth and peace. Accepting what is doesn't mean giving up; it means recognizing the limits of what your parents can offer and deciding how to move forward in a way that honors your own needs. In this Q&A episode, Whitney answers real questions from callers about how to respond to parents who initiate contact, particularly when past behaviors have caused emotional pain with self-compassion, acceptance, and choosing a path that aligns with personal healing. Tune in! What You Will Learn: [00:01] Intro and what in for you in today’s show  [00:29] How to respond when a parent initiates contact without apologizing [05:41] Accepting your parents: What they did, who they are, and what they can offer [09:06] Accepting your parent resources  [09:23] Walking the path of what was and is with acceptance  [11:57] Wrap up and end of the show Standout Quotes: “You are allowed to feel the way you are feeling about it; you are allowed to give yourself time to process those feelings and decide what change you need to make from there.” [05:19] “There is no right path, but the path to healing starts with accepting what is, what your parent did, and what they can do.” [08:39] “There is no guarantee that maintaining a relationship with a parent is going to fulfill you or going no contact with a parent is going to make your life better or easier; just walk the path that makes sense for you.” [13:22]                                           “It's so important to expect people to be who they have been and be pleasantly surprised when they are not, don't expect them to be different than they always have been, because that's where you're going to get hurt and disappointed.” [10:59] Let’s Connect Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram. Click here to get “Toxic Positivity” on paperback.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service.  Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by Next Day Podcast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca.com. Hey, everyone, happy Thursday, and welcome back to the calling home podcast.

This is our Q&A episode where I answer a real caller question and tell them what I think about the issue that they are having with their family. As a reminder, if you have any questions for me, you can always leave me a voicemail at 866-2-25-4-66. All right, let's hear from our first caller. Hi, my question is about when your parent reaches back out. I have been estranged from my dad for about a year after some difficult situations, and I had given him my list of what I needed for our relationship to move forward. And he still tries to reach out, which is really difficult because those little aversions

of me want and hope that my dad wants to reach out. in love, but he still has not apologized. And just this week, I have his number on Do Not Disturb. So God forbid there's an emergency. I can be his name can come through, but this week I got a text from him

and it just makes me sick to my stomach when I see them. I have a full body reaction and just wondering how best to navigate that or if other people are experiencing that in their own adult parent relationships.

that confusion of wanting that unconditional love and knowing that words and actions don't necessarily align and how to move forward. Thank you. I can totally understand why it would be triggering or dysregulating to see a person that you are estranged from, you know, especially a parent, their name, pop up on your phone and see that they're initiating contact because it kind of throws you right back into that place where you were, right, of like, oh my gosh, what's going to happen from here? Are they, I can see that hope kind of comes up, like, are they going to apologize? Are they going to change their behavior? Are we going to be able to fix our relationship? And then on the flip side is like, I was doing

okay, not hearing from this person. And now why are they kind of reaching back out into my bubble? and so I have to feel all of these feelings that are associated with that, and they also might then kind of double down and repeat a lot of the behavior that they already have, and so that can be very difficult to manage, like, okay, nothing has changed, and this is still going on. But I do think that for most people who are, I shouldn't say most, I think for a lot of people who are no contact with a parent, there's going to come a time probably where that parent is going to reach out in some fashion. And it might be in a totally like benign way to try to tell you something or share something with you. It might be a card, a text. It might be when an emergency

happens. But I do think that many people go through the situation where there is some type of contact that is made during this period of no contact. And the point in which that happens, and kind of where you're at and how you're feeling will heavily dictate how this impact. you. And so I think in this situation, you know, what this caller is pointing to is like, what do I do if this person has reached out? But I know that there hasn't been any change or that like the behavior isn't different. And I think if that's the case, then you may not really need to do anything. You don't have to respond. You don't have to engage. You could reiterate the boundaries or what you need. If that feels good.

good for you, if that feels necessary, you could decide that you need to intensify the no contact by, you know, making it so they cannot contact you if it feels like it's escalating or becoming unsafe. I'm not hearing that as much from this caller, but that's something that could happen in other situations. You know, if the person is threatening you or they're trying to find where you live or how to access you in a different way, that might be a time where you want to say, okay, I need to do more about this. You can also, like I said, just not respond and deal with your own feelings that are coming up around this and allow yourself to really experience the fact that like this person has entered back into your orbit. They mean something to you. They know

how to push your buttons or to access you or to say things that are going to make you feel a certain way. And that makes sense, especially if this person is a parent. You know, you are tied to them in so many ways, no matter if you cut contact or not, you're going to be tied to them just through your experiences as a child or through DNA, whatever it is, that I think allowing yourself to really normalize the fact that, like, it makes sense that I'm getting triggered by this. It makes sense that I'm having feelings. And it doesn't mean that my behavior has to change or that I have to do anything different. But I am allowed to feel the way I'm feeling about this. And I'm allowed to give myself time to process those feelings and then decide what change I need to make from there.

I hope that that's helpful for anyone that's recently had someone that there are no contact with reach out. And I will get on to the next question. Thank you. Bank more oncores when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package. Learn more at ScotiaBank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points on every qualified stay.

Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Hi Whitney, I was just listening to your podcast on accountability and I thought that that was amazing because most of the times I'm hearing about how us as the adult child has to be the one to, you know, relearn and reparent and yada, yada, yada. But my question is that I want some type of closure around my childhood like both my parents. were very abusive, and I'm actually a therapist myself, and I'm just getting old, and I'm at the point where I don't know, you know, if I can live the rest of my life with the elephant in the room, even though I have tried to address it several times, but, you know, I just end up getting, like, gas lit, so that's, like, a dead end road, but I just don't know how to find some type of closure in this relationship with them. do we just go on living like everything was fine or do I have some type of conversation with them about like why they were like this and why they didn't fix it? I don't know. So you've

an answer for that. That would be great. But otherwise, I really enjoy your podcast. Thank you so much. Thank you for listening to the podcast. I'm for calling in. I always am so honored when other therapists join our groups at calling home or when they call in. It's like the best, uh, compliment that I could receive as a fellow therapist in this field. So thank you very much. I think what you're talking about here is so in line with what we talked about in our module at calling home a couple of months ago about accepting your parents. And it sounds like you're trying to figure out like how can I move forward from this? How can I figure out like how to kind of pack this up into a box and go live my life. And you mentioned a couple of different paths

that I think a lot of people take, you know, is it like, do I have a conversation with them? Do I just move forward? Do we continue acting like nothing happened? And I think everyone takes such a different approach to that depending on how it's going to impact them and what happened to them, right? And you mentioned, you know, a history of abuse, which is extremely difficult when a parent will not apologize or take accountability or anything like that. And so when I talk about accepting your parents, what I really mean is that you're like looking at yourself in the mirror almost and saying this is who my parents are. This is what they did. This is what they can offer me. And what do I want to do with that? Do I want to have a relationship with them? Do I want to have a distant relationship,

a close relationship, no relationship at all? Does forgiving them feel good to me? Does being angry at them make sense? Like, there is no right path, but I think the path all starts with accepting what is and saying, my parents did X. My parents are not able to do Y. And if they cannot do that thing that I need, whether it's apologize, take accountability, change their behavior, what does my relationship look like with them? And we have a lot of great videos and articles, scripts, worksheets that can help walk you through this process on the Calling Home website under accepting your parents for anybody that wants to work through this in a better way or in a deeper way.

But that's where I would start is like, if nothing changed tomorrow, what do I want my relationship to look like with my parents and what's actually feasible for me given the history that we have and that's going to look different for everyone. Some people might say, you know what, I want to move on and I want to have a relationship with my parents and the way that they're acting today, I can handle it and I like it and it's fine. It's doable for me. And others of you might say what happened between me and my parents is so unforgivable. And if it is not changed by, you know, having behavioral change in an apology and really healing and making up, like, I can't have a relationship with them. And I think both of those responses are justified

in so many situations. And this is very individualized that there is no guarantee that maintaining a relationship with a parent is going to fulfill you in the ways that you need. And there's no guarantee that going no contact with a parent is going to necessarily make your life better or easier. You have to really walk the path that makes sense for you. But I do think that every person begins that path with acceptance of what was and what is and with a really healthy dose of potential hope and optimism for the future, but also realistic acceptance of what this person is willing to do and capable doing to salvage your relationship. And this is where I think it's so important to expect people to be who they have been and be pleasantly surprised when they are

not. But don't expect them to be different than they always have been. Because that's where you're going to really get hurt and disappointed. And I know we have a lot of episodes on this, on the Calling Home podcast, about going no contact, about emotionally immature parents. So I think any of those can also be really helpful in figuring out how to start those conversations, what to say, what to expect, and how to really understand the ways in which your parents respond and what that might mean for your relationship. I think this is a really excellent question, and thank you again for calling in.

I hope that's helpful. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail, and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday and I love being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast

and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more. And those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.