CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: Working With Family And Searching For Understanding From Fiance

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

Whitney Goodman is answering more calls from the Calling Home voicemail. Today’s first call involves a listener who is involved in a multi-generational family business, that unfortunately has some toxic workplace behaviors. The second caller is asking for advice on handling a relationship with her fiance who struggles to understand why she has certain boundaries set with her parents. Have a question for Whitney? Call Home at 866-225-5466.  Join Whitney’s Family Cycle Breakers Club for further support and discussion on family dynamics at CallingHome.co. Follow the Calling Home community on Instagram or TikTok.  Follow Whitney Goodman on Instagram or TikTok.  The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice or other medical advice or services, is not a substitute for advice from a qualified healthcare provider, and does not create any therapist-patient or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home’s Terms of Service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. Hey,mx. Hey, everyone, happy Thursday, and welcome back to the calling home podcast.

This is our Q&A episode where I answer real caller questions and tell them what I think about the issue that they are having with their family. As a reminder, if you have any questions for me, you can always leave me a voicemail at 866-2-25-4-66. all right let's hear from our first caller hi so what advice do you have for a three generational family business so it's a set of grandparents parents and adult children um the adult children are starting to recognize unhealthy and toxic like behaviors and us trying to communicate that with our parents and grandparents but having backlash And because we work together, our work life and family life bleed into one another.

And so it's just really hard to have times with family that are where we're present, but also not bringing in work-related issues that can cause tension. So any advice would be super helpful. Thank you. Working with family is challenging. It's rewarding. It can be wonderful. Sometimes it works out really well and sometimes it doesn't. But I do think that it has its fair share of challenges that you may not find in other work environments. And it also has perks that you won't find in other work environments. And so I want to speak to the first thing you're talking about here is that there needs to be a separation between what is work and what is family. And when this all gets blended together, you find that you're never really away from work. You're never really away from work. You're never

really away from your family, but you're never really fully at work or fully with your family. And this dynamic is often not sustainable, and it also isn't fulfilling. You know, people tend to not want to spend 24-7 with their co-workers talking about work, and it's fair if you don't want to do that with your family as well. Now, that being said, this is going to be a boundary that will be difficult to enforce, probably like across the spectrum. There are going to be some family members that are more willing to make this transition. and some that are not. And so I think you have to focus on how can I uphold this boundary of

maybe separating work from family while I'm at work separating kind of that family relationship and while I'm with family separating that work relationship by not talking about work as much or at all by doing things with family members or a family member that does not involve work by trying to connect around other things, you know, changing the subject when work consistently gets brought up and really trying to just have clear limits and like containers around all of that stuff. Now, like I said, some people are not going to be down for this or like willing to change. There might be some people in your family also that that is the extent of your relationship is sharing work. And that's what you bond over. And so you need that in order to maintain a

relationship. And so I would want you to kind of anyone who's in this position to sit and think about how can I have a relationship with each of these people or some of these people individually that doesn't include work and what will that look like? And also, how can I hold myself accountable to try to talk about different things or focus on different things when I'm with this person and do things that are different from work? Now, of course, this is likely a deeply entrenched pattern that you have with your family and it's going to take time. It's going to to take time to get people on board to make this transition, you're probably going to lapse into old behaviors. And so really just like approaching this as a long game of like, I am going

to try to not bring up work, to change the subject when work is brought up, to try to only talk about work at work or when it needs to be discussed, and to find ways to form relationships with one, two or more of my family members outside of just like that work dynamic. Now, the other thing you're talking about here is like intergenerational dynamics, right? And I think that when you have multiple generations that are working in a business, whether your family or not is going to be conflict. We see this all the time where I think this is something that's been tracked across history. Older generations always look back at younger generations and say, oh my God, they're so messed up. Look at what they're doing to the world. We have seen this over and over. Every

generation looks at the younger generation and picks out something that is telling them that this is the worst generation yet, and they are going to ruin everything. And it's kind of just this weird cyclical phenomenon that keeps happening. And so you have to expect that whether it's a normal workplace or a family workplace, that there's going to be some of this conflict. And there's something to be said about that the older generation knows certain things, and they've lived a long time, and they have wisdom, you know, and experience with this business. And that the youngest generation is also living in a very different world.

They have a different skill set. They may be more equipped to handle the world as it is today because they are the one that is so deeply involved in some of those changes that have been happening, whether that's technology or trends or the way things are moving or accessing a new customer, that the generations have to find a way to understand one another and to also see the benefits of using one another to move the business forward. And this can be very difficult, especially when there are generational patterns that are deeply entrenched where it's like, it's my way or the highway, or maybe they view that younger people are not equipped, you know, to handle some of these challenges. And so you're going to

see that, I think, in any workplace, but when it's family, it can be much more triggering. And I think the youngest generation or the younger generations have to learn how to understand, empathize with, and see the older generation, and vice versa. Now, the other part of this is that there's kind of like two buckets happening here, I think. There's this part that you're talking about, like we are kind of seeing some toxic patterns in the family and we're trying to talk about them and that's bleeding over into work and it can make work relationships difficult. Regardless of if you're in a family business or a regular business, I think people in the workplace should be expected. This is a reasonable expectation that the people that you work with will learn how to communicate effectively

and in a respectful manner and that there will not be abusive forms of verbal or nonverbal communication within the workplace. And so if that's something that's happening and it's your family, that can be extremely challenging because that can be harder to go up against because it's likely that these patterns existed when you were a child or they were happening between your parents or maybe your grandparent was treating your parent that way. And it's hard to break those cycles. But I think that that is something that everyone should be actively trying to do. and that is a reasonable expectation to have. Now, when it comes to doing that, sometimes we have to start just by leading by example, by communicating effectively and respectfully, seeking understanding,

trying to learn new communication skills, which if you're listening to this podcast, I know that's what you're trying to do, and really trying to come to understand how the people around us communicate and how we can communicate with them better. This also might involve setting boundaries, which can be difficult to do with family when you also work for them. These relationships feel heavily, heavily loaded, right? Because it's like if I get in an argument with this person and they are my dad and my boss, you know, I could lose a lot by messing this up. I could lose the connection to a parent, to a family business, to other people that work at the family business, and to this job that I work at and to this business that I might be inheriting

or, you know, really have dedicated a lot of my life to. And so I think we cannot underscore how heavy some of these decisions can feel when you're talking about mixing work and family relationships. And so that's also where some people have to be a lot of to decide, is it worth it for me to work with my family if it's going to ruin my family relationships with them? Or, you know, do I need to not work with my family? There are some people who are like, I could never work with my dad. I could never work with my mom. I can never work with my sister because I know that it would sever our relationship. There are other people who have a very different relationship with that family member where working with them actually

gives them a connection and it makes it work well. And that is their relationship and it's successful. And there's, of course, a million shades of gray in between those two. But I think for some of you, you have to think about, like, is working for the family business the best decision? Is it my only option? What other options do I have? And how is this going to impact my family, you know, in the long run or me, my future? And really thinking about like what do I want for me? For life. And that can be difficult if you've constantly been groomed and told that working for the family business is the only option that's available to you. But it is okay in adulthood to kind of explore what it would look like to do something different if this isn't working out for you.

Thank you so much for calling in. And let's get to our next caller question. Learn more at scotiabank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. This fall get double points on every qualified stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western.

Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Hey, Whitney. My question is about my relationship with my fiancé. I have a lot of abandonment issues and, you know, things that I'm dealing with from my childhood with both of my parents. I am close to both of them, but I, you know, struggle with things like inviting them to events. I sometimes will choose not to invite them because I'm trying to make a boundary, and my fiancé really doesn't understand, and he had really a great childhood and doesn't really get, where I'm coming from. So how can I help him understand where I'm coming from and in turn

kind of make me feel less alone because he just really doesn't get it. Thanks. It's so hard to feel like the people close to you don't understand this. And it's one of those things that I think is kind of hard to understand if you haven't lived it because you can't comprehend what it would be like to be treated poorly by someone that is supposed to love you and take care of you and be there for you and like it can be kind of inconceivable to people unless they have done the work that I do where you hear all these stories and you're talking to people about this all the time or you're learning about it and reading about it to go there it also it's scary to go there. I think a lot of people don't want to think about families in this way or that

families could end up this way because it's terrifying to imagine that that could be you or that that's possible. And so there is a chance that like your fiance is avoiding, you know, the reality of understanding this because it's simply too painful or too uncomfortable. And I understand how that feels for you. Really, the only thing you can do here is try to explain things from your perspective and how they feel for you and why you're doing the things that you're doing. And it's almost as if, like, he doesn't fully have to understand in order to support you. He just has to be able to support you. And so I think coming back to this place of, like, can you trust that I know that what I'm doing is the best thing? Can you trust that I know what's

right for me based on my childhood? and my experiences, and that I wouldn't be making this decision if I didn't feel like I had to, you know, that I would much rather be in your position where this seems like inconceivable. I think, you know, people who can't understand this are very lucky because they haven't had to understand it. And so trying to connect with him from that place might be helpful of like, I know you don't get it. And I know it's not something that you live. and that you don't maybe want to know about this because it's sad to think about, you know, me being treated poorly or me not having a relationship with certain family members.

But can you just be with me on this that I know that I'm making the right decision and I wouldn't make this decision if I didn't have to? And I know that you might not fully understand, but it would mean a lot to me to have your support. And you can allow him if you feel comfortable. to ask you questions and to try to explore that with you. You could also see if he's open to reading things, you know, about these issues or if he's open to you sharing information that might make you feel like he understands you better. But at the end of the day, like, I really don't think we

have to fully get it to be there for people and to trust their inner experience. And so I would be less concerned about like convincing your fiance. I'm more concerned about just like getting him to walk this with you despite his lack of knowledge or understanding on the subject. I hope that that's helpful and thank you again for calling in. Thank you so much to everyone who called in today and left those voicemails. I really love getting to know your stories and understanding how we can better help you navigate those difficult family relationship issues. As a reminder, you can always call me at 866-225-5466 and leave me a voicemail. I may pick one of your questions for an upcoming Thursday episode. We have these caller episodes

every Thursday now on the Calling Home podcast. If you're looking to take this to the next level and really work on your adult family relationships, you can also join the Calling Home community at www.callinghome.com. The Calling Home Podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Calling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.