CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Q&A: You Don't Have An In-Law Problem, You Have A Partner Problem

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

In this episode, Whitney answers two caller questions. One is about enmeshed in-laws and the other is an adult who is trying to re-parent themselves. She discusses the profound effects of critical parenting on self-perception and self-love. She emphasizes that while individuals can work towards healing and self-acceptance, they may never fully replicate the unconditional love and support that their parents should have provided. Whitney encourages listeners to acknowledge their experiences and the impact of childhood trauma while also recognizing the importance of self-compassion and understanding in their healing journey. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash YMX. Hey, everyone.

Welcome back to the calling home podcast. It is Thursday, and we have another Q&A episode today with two callers that called in. I just want to remind you that on Tuesday, I had an in-law episode come out about daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws. And today, one of the questions is about in-law relationships. So you might want to go listen to that if you can relate to this question and need more advice or insight on that issue. Today we have two callers, like I mentioned. One is an in-law situation. We have a daughter-in-law who feels like her in-laws have no boundaries. They're very enmeshed and she's having a lot of trouble dealing with the boundary violations. She recently went no contact with them,

but it hasn't been successful. And so I kind of walk her through how this might be more of a partner issue than an in-law issue and what she can try to do instead of what she's already tried. second question I really liked, and I really encourage you to listen to. And it was about a caller who is dealing with a lot of self-hatred after growing up with parents who she felt like didn't like her. And we talk a lot about healing the inner child, if that actually works, what that looks like, and why self-love is so hard after you grow up in one of these environments. Thank you all again for listening.

Please don't forget to subscribe to this podcast and leave in the view on Spotify or Apple podcast. Let's go ahead and dive into the questions. Hi, Whitney. I recently married into a family in which I'm starting to recognize some of their toxic tendencies. It's been really hard navigating that with my spouse because I, He is used to that environment.

But for me, it's starting to cause a lot of issues in our marriage. There's, from what I see, issues with codependency, there is clear signs of amnestment, there is no boundaries. I've went no contact as of six months ago, and there's still efforts to try to contact me, not to apologize for some of the actions that they did towards me over the last seven years. but just to simply act as if nothing happened. I'm not sure exactly like what to do from here because it's to the point now where do I leave, you know, my marriage in order to just separate from this family dynamic

that's simply not even mine. It's what I married into. I hope that I could listen to this in the podcast and get some good advice. So thank you. So this is a great question. And it's a common issue, right? And so I want you to know that you're not alone. this is something that you've been dealing with. But what I'm about to say, I think might be

kind of difficult to hear sometimes. And there was a video I saw the other day that I could not remember who it was while I was scrolling that if you know what I'm talking about, DM it to me and I'll share it. But it was this guy that was basically saying, you don't have an in-law problem. You have a spouse problem. And in my experience, a lot of these in-law issues can be mitigated by the partner doing a better job at managing their family. and protecting their spouse. And so if you have in-laws like this caller who says, you know, there's no boundaries, there is a meshment, I've had to go no contact with them.

They keep reaching out to me, but not to necessarily fix anything just to, like, violate my boundaries and reach out to me and act like everything is normal, they are able to do that because there is not necessarily a united front between you and your partner. And so that would be the first place that I would start is, you know, trying to have this conversation with your partner about what is going on between you and their parents and why this relationship doesn't feel good to you. And a lot of this is going to depend on your marriage and the quality of your relationship and your partner's ability to hear feedback without becoming overly reactive or sensitive and defensive. And so you have to evaluate that for yourself. You know, like, can I come to my partner? with this information, or are they so deeply entrenched in the enmeshment and the lack of boundaries that they're not really going to be able to hear me out and understand why this is upsetting to me, like, in a healthy and respectful way? So without knowing your relationship, I can't advise necessarily on how to do that and what is the best way to do that, but I can give you some

options. And the first thing would be to get really clear on what is it that is upsetting you. and what would you like to see change? And I even think coming up with tangible ways or examples can be helpful for some people that don't really understand what's going on and trying to show them, you know, when X happens, it feels like this for me and I need you to do this. Are you comfortable doing that? Is that something that you can help me with? And really trying to find a way to illustrate to your partner the kind of help that you need from them.

This is also like a fundamental kind of issue in relationships that some people have different preconceived notions and beliefs about the role that in-laws should play in your life. And there are some people who believe that your in-laws become part of your family and they should be tolerated no matter what and honestly that even in-laws have some sort of authority in the relationship. And that might be something that needs to be discussed. you know, how do we both feel about the role of our parents in our lives? Are they getting to make decisions for us? Do we need to go to them before we make major choices in our lives? Is their opinion more important to one or both of us, you know, than our own opinions when we're deciding things or we're making choices for our family? And you often uncover your partner's beliefs about those things throughout marriage and throughout your long-term relationship. And you may come to find,

like, oh, we aren't totally aligned on this. And that doesn't mean that you can't be married or stay married, but it's more about like, how are we going to compromise around these things? And are there moments where we can agree that it's inappropriate to go to one or both sets of our parents to discuss this issue? And so this is where the art of compromise. comes in, right? And being able to discuss what is okay with each of us, what isn't, and can we come to a place in the middle. Now, if you are in a relationship with someone that has a lot of trouble with compromise and that has a lot of trouble understanding how someone could feel differently than they do, this is going to be increasingly difficult for you.

And that is when you may have to come from a place of, this is my boundary, this is what I am willing to tolerate with your parents. I am not going to put myself in X, Y, Z position where I can be abused or attacked or belittled or excessively criticized. And if you are not going to help back me up and protect me, then I'm going to have to do that for myself. And there are some people listening to this that are going to say, I don't want to be in a marriage like that. I don't think that I can tolerate being in a marriage where my partner does not protect me from their parents and where they force me into positions that I'm not willing to be in, that they want our children to be exposed to things that I don't want them to be exposed to. And you have every right to feel that

way and to make that decision. You know, the person at the end of this episode said, do I leave my marriage? And I think that is a very difficult question to have and to have to consider in these situations. So to summarize my response to this question, I think ultimately reframing this issue as an in-law issue and more of a partnership issue will really, really help you trying to find compromise with your partner and trying to figure out if there is a way that the two of you can work together to integrate your in-laws or de-center them from your life in a way that is healthier and works better for both of you. Hi, Whitney.

My name is Victoria. I'm calling. I'm an estranged adult child. and I've been estranged for about a year, and I'm pretty happy with that decision, but what I am struggling with is I realize that my parents have kind of ingrained this level of self-hatred because they rejected me, and I don't quite know how to navigate this or how to build that self-acceptance and love. Because I've watched a lot of your content, and I know that you do talk about, you know, what you do in the no-contact that actually matters. It's not necessarily just about, you know, cutting off the toxic relationship. That's just step one. Step two is, like, really working on yourself in that time.

So in that time, I'm trying to, you know, fix those things that, you know, that toxic relationships sort of stunted me in. And self-love is one of those things. and I just feel so lost and overwhelmed with it. I have a lot of self-hatred that I don't like to admit that I have. But I just, I don't even know where to address it. So if you had any recommendations, that would be great. Hey, Victoria, thank you so much for calling in. I think this feeling of self-hatred when you grow up with parents who are hypercritical of you

or who maybe just really seem like they genuinely don't like. you is very, very challenging. And I think the hard truth about this is that it's something that I've noticed through my work and people might disagree with me on this. But I feel like there's no way to totally give yourself what you should have gotten in childhood from your parents when it comes to unconditional love and positive regard and your parents seeing you as a human being that is worthy of love and respect and, you know, all that good stuff. Now, this doesn't mean that you can't get it from other places in adulthood and you can't learn it like in a healthy relationship with a friend or with a romantic partner or working with a

therapist or learning how to love yourself. But I don't think you can get it in the same way. and I feel like that's what a lot of people are looking for when they're doing this work is like I want to be able to give my inner child like this love that I should have gotten from my parents and I want to be able to totally eradicate that feeling and I just don't think that there's any perfect substitute for it and so sometimes you're going to get yourself really far with these other things and you're going to feel a lot better that you're not going to be able to totally replicate what's going on and totally, like, fill up what is missing. And I know that that can sound bleak, but I also think that it's kind of a relief

sometimes to tell yourself, like, this wasn't my responsibility to give myself this. This is something that I was supposed to be able to get from my parents and that I should have. And I didn't get it from them. And that is unfair and it's unfortunate. And I may spend my life trying to fill that cup in other ways. And I'm going to get close to it. And I'm probably not going to feel like I hate myself forever, like I'm not deserving of love.

But there might always be this tiny part of me that's like, man, I did not get that from the one place that they should have been able to get it. And it's the same with like any type of, I think, complex trauma or childhood trauma or neglect that you learn how to carry it differently and you learn how to move forward without it and you learn how to give yourself things that you never got from somebody else. But you don't ever go back to being the person that you were before that thing happened. And that's really scary. And it's also liberating, in a sense, that I get to be a different person that is changed forever by what I experienced. And it makes me who I am today in some good ways and it's not so good ways. And I'm going to try to not allow it to make me into somebody that I don't want to be. I'm going to try to allow it to influence me in ways that makes me more empathetic and more understanding and more. kind-hearted and more me. And I'm not, I don't have to give credit to the people who did this

to me for that change in myself, but I can also accept that it is a part of me and that it is something that I am going to live with in one way or another, you know, throughout my life. And I think when you give yourself that, that opportunity to just kind of step back and be like, I can learn to love myself as this version of me, who I am today, through what I experienced and what I overcame and what I never got from the people that were involved in my childhood and involved in bringing me into this world, then you can cut yourself a little bit more slack and stop holding yourself to a standard that you were never meant to have to meet, right? You were never meant to have to be this like perfect parent for yourself that came

back and reparented yourself in this perfect way. And sometimes when our parents can't meet that standard, we start holding ourselves to this impossible standard that you can't meet because you are yourself. You are not your own parent. And you can do a lot with reparenting can go a long way to be there for your own inner child. But you also, you can't fully be your own parent. You're not going to be able to replicate that. And I think some of you hearing on are going to be able to exhale and be like, oh, thank God, because I've been holding myself to this standard that I cannot meet. And some of you might be like, no, I am going to be able to get myself back to that person that I want to be on my own. And I can replicate that. And maybe some of you will. But I hope that this message finds

those of you that have been putting that pressure on yourself to not only maybe be a good parent to your own children, but to be this perfect parent to reparent yourself and you're kind of crumbling under that expectation and that pressure. Thank you so much to everyone that called in this week and asked questions. I love being able to help you with these family situations and hopefully help you find a way to better navigate them with your adult family relationships. You can always call and leave me a voicemail and I may pick your question for an upcoming Thursday episode of the Calling Home podcast. Just call 866-2-25-5-4-66 and leave me a voicemail. I do these episodes every Thursday, and I love

being able to get to help each and every one of you with your family relationships. If you're ready to work on your adult family relationships outside of this podcast and take what you've learned to the next level, we do have the Calling Home community. You can join us for weekly groups and watch videos, take courses, get access to worksheets and more, and those groups are run by me so we can actually meet. And you just need to go to www.callinghome.com and join the Family Cycle Breakers Club. Thanks and I will see you all on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for

advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes Terms of Service linked in the show notes below.