CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Reacting to Real Letters from Estranged Parents to Their Children

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

Whitney reviews anonymous letters written by estranged parents to their adult children. She identifies patterns of spiritual bypassing disguised as kindness, conditional accountability, minimization of harm, defensive anger masked as concern, and comparison used as manipulation. This isn't about shaming anyone; it's about naming what's happening beneath the surface so you can better understand your own experience with estrangement.Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complexfamily dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic PositivityLearn more about ad choices. Visit podcast.choices.com/adchoicesThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice.00:00 Introduction: Reviewing real letters from estranged parents02:01 Letter 113:20 Letter 219:40 Letter 325:56 Letter 435:21 Conclusion Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I'm your host Whitney Goodman. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and the creator of the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. Today's episode is going to be a little bit different. I'm going to be reviewing four real letters written by estranged parents to their adult children. These letters were submitted anonymously. And my goal here is not to shame, diagnose, or attack anyone. Instead, I want to explore these as relational artifacts and as views into these types of relationship dynamics. I think that they are snapshots of what often goes wrong when a parent is trying to repair a relationship, but doesn't really fully understand what the adult child actually needs. I don't know the full context of these relationships. And I don't know. I don't know the full context of these relationships.

and I will only be commenting on what I see in these letters. I'm not going to be sharing any names or identifying information, and parts of these letters that contain excessive details about the people involved have been redacted or changed. I think episodes like this help us name what's happening underneath the surface. We're able to see things like blame minimization and spiritual bypassing and the emotional labor that can often be put back on the child sort of reflexively as a pattern that has existed over time and sometimes the complete absence of genuine accountability.

As always, my intention here is to help you understand your experience more clearly, reduce your self-blame, and give you language to things that might have felt confusing or invalidating for years. Let's dive in. I'm going to read you the first letter in full, and then we're going to talk about it. Dear Blank, I can't take it another day. I miss you.

You didn't want me to contact you, but you haven't contacted me in two months. I want to highlight that there are several exclamation points after each of these sentences. Oh, my sweet girl, where is all this anger and rage coming from? I pray it's not me. But more importantly, I want you to be happy and I don't believe you are. We can't control much in life. We have to figure out our own journey and learn from our mistakes and what works. Keeping this anger, sadness, or rage is only going to do you harm. You know I love you unconditionally.

I'm praying for God to soften your heart and show you joy. I don't experience life and experiences in the same way that you do. It's unfair to expect me to think the way you do. I haven't asked you to change your beliefs or values. I trust your convictions are coming from a good place. You are a woman of justice. I believe there is a place in the world for different opinions and ways to reach our goals. I don't think it's black or white. Life isn't just one idea, right or wrong. I am sending you a blanket of grace in all caps to cover and protect you. I love you so dearly it hurts. You are loved, wanted, and needed in our family. Hugs, kisses, and love from your mom. So I want to start out by saying that this letter, like a lot of letters from estranged parents, reads very kind in a lot of

ways, right? We see a lot of my sweet girl. I want you to be happy. I think that we're all on our own journey. I don't want anger, sadness, or rage to do you harm. You know, I love you. I want God to soften your heart and show you joy. I believe there is a place in this world, you know, for both of us to reach our goals. I don't think it's black or white. I'm sending you. I'm sending you. I'm sending you. grace, I love you, you are loved, wanted, and needed. But if we look a little bit further underneath what's actually happening here is that it's kind of a whole lot of nothing, right? It's a lot of nice words, a lot of words that seem kind, but there's also an insidious, like, nature, I think, to what's being said here, right? And this language is like very murky that it's

easy to say, I was being nice, I was being kind, but you're not really saying much of anything. And I think there's, there's a lot of like spiritual bypassing here being disguised as repair. And that's what a lot of that nice language is, right? So saying things like prayer, grace, softening your heart as a way to restore the relationship, these are just platitudes. It doesn't actually get at the root of what is going on here, right? It's just a lot of, like, nice words that kind of mean nothing and have no action behind them. So, you know, okay, you want me to be happy. Anger, sadness, and rage is only going to do me harm.

I love you. Like, okay. But what else, what has really caused this rift here? Because certainly it's not because, you know, there hasn't been grace or heart softening. Like there's other things that are going on here. I think that what's also happening here is very conditional accountability. By saying I haven't asked you to change your beliefs or values, this parent, this mother is implying that I think it's unfair for you to ask me to do that.

And because I'm not asking that of you, you shouldn't be able to ask that of me. And the problem here is that beliefs and values are not all created equally, right? And there are certainly some beliefs and values that are much more destructive to relationships than others that are much more hurtful and that make it very difficult to have a relationship with someone or to be even remotely compatible. And so when you say it in this way without specifically a relationship, highlighting, you know, what are those differences in perspective? What are the specific values or beliefs or behaviors that we disagree on? It sort of makes it just like, I'm allowed to think what I want.

And so are you. And we should just be able to get along. And again, it's very evasive, this just sort of like obscure language that doesn't really tell us exactly what's going on here. And when you read it like this, you're like, oh, of course people can think what they want and have their own values and beliefs. But we don't really know what the clash is over in this relationship and how much it matters in terms of like how it allows that relationship to function or not function. I think what we see in this letter is also a lot of minimization of harm, right? it's a lot of like you are a woman of justice there's a place in this world for different opinions and it's not black or white we don't have control over anything again this very confusing language that does not tell us what's actually going on and what the harmful behavior was and why there is

a rift here okay it it presented. this rupture as more of like a misunderstanding rather than this a historically rooted issue or something that has transpired over time that has become a deep rooted issue in this relationship. And we actually like from this letter have no idea really what these two are even arguing about or why this adult child went no contact. All we know is that like the parent thinks that it's kind of frivolous and that they should just be able to move on and have different perspectives and that, you know, it's not black or white. It's we should all just be able to be ourselves. And when you don't name actual events or incidents or behaviors, you can't take accountability.

And so none of that is happening here. There's no understanding or awareness of the actual issue. I really think that this parent's goal was, yes, to share their love for their child and to share their pain over this decision, but also to really frame the adult child as being the intolerant one that cannot handle differences of opinion or different values or goals and paint themselves as like this beacon of tolerance. And so in this letter, the parent is basically saying, like, I can tolerate anything. I make space for all of these perspectives. Everything is good with me. It's you that needs to soften your heart and be happy. And I'm not asking you to change yourself. I'm just asking you to accept me the way that I've accepted you.

Now, we don't know if true acceptance has happened here, right? And so I think that's what is so. kind of murky in this letter is like, why did this adult feel like they could not interact with their mother if it is about their beliefs and values? What are those beliefs and values that made it impossible for them to have a relationship? And certainly having tolerance for murderers and having tolerance for someone who wants to give kids like free school lunch are two very different things, right? We cannot like put these tolerant beliefs on the same pedestal. And without knowing more, it's very difficult to make that type of distinction here. And so I really think again in this

letter we're hearing a lot of, I love you, you don't seem happy. You're full of anger. You're full of anger, sadness, rage, it's doing you harm. I need God to soften your heart. So this positions the parent as like, I am happy and fulfilled and doing well, and I know things about life. And you are over here angry and hardened and not being respectful or kind or tolerant. And so we are like adversaries here where I need to bring you over to my side, where what I am doing is actually the more noble and positive crusade. And so this isn't actually about reconciling in any way or understanding each other's perspectives. It's about going back probably to how things were, right? That I want us all to just pretend like none of this stuff matters. And like it doesn't

matter if I have these beliefs or these intolerances or whatever it is. And it is. And And the key thing about this letter, I think, that strikes me is that it can sound very loving and even kind, but lack the ingredients for repair. And I think this is where a lot of things go wrong because right here, there is no specific or grounded accountability in the reality of this relationship and what happened. And it's very difficult for me to believe that this is just a case of we see life differently. I need more detail than that to make that distinction. But I think for any of you that have received letters like this or have written letters like this, not being able to accurately name, describe, and show understanding of what happened in this relationship is what is what is really going to hold you back from actually achieving repair. Now let's look at letter number two.

This was a handwritten card that was mailed to someone and they scanned it and sent it to me. My dearest daughter, I love you. I miss you and then they include two names, which I assume are other people in the family who was spouse or maybe children, every single moment of every single day. The distance between us has been extremely difficult. I am so sorry for the the pain I have caused you and your family. Please know I take full accountability for the actions and poor choices I had made. I apologize for forcing you to make the difficult decision regarding our relationship. I take responsibility and understand that my actions have cost me my family. Hoping and longing for the day, our family is whole again. Please tell the grandkids his Gigi loves and

misses him, along with hugs and kisses. When you are ready, I am here. Please forgive me, love mom. So I think that this parent saying, I take accountability, I understand, and I apologize, is wonderful and great. I think it's a really great start. I think that this letter demonstrates the amount of pain that the parent has been in, but also without completely centering themselves. The ingredient, I think, that's missing here that can be tricky for adults, for the adult children, is that there's an, I'm sorry, and I take responsibility, and that's meaningful, but there's no specifics and no naming of the actions that are being apologized for. And so sometimes it can feel like an apology is just being said, like, and I'm sorry, I apologize, please forgive me, because they think that's the right thing

to do not because they actually understand what happened. And so that's something that I would add here is like a real understanding of like, I understand why blank has hurt you. I take accountability for doing blank and really demonstrating that you get what the issue is. And you're maybe, you're not going to be able to name every single incident and specific, but just showing that the conversations that you've had with your child can go a long way. And also if you were an adult child who's received a message like this from your parent and you're saying, they're saying, I'm sorry, they're saying I take responsibility, they're telling me they're accountable, but I don't believe them or I don't think that it's real. The lack of

specifics could be part of it, right? This, when you are ready, I am here is good, in my opinion. I like it. I think that it is a good way to put the ball in your child's court and allow them the space and time that they need to figure this out and to decide how they want to respond. I want to add the caveat that if you say that, you need to mean it and not actually be. like on a clock or start harassing them if they don't respond. I have no reason to believe that about this parent from this letter, but I think that sometimes that does do that. I'm not always a fan of bringing up the grandchildren when you are having these conversations with your adult children. And the reason is when I have surveyed, and if any of you are strange parents that would like to

take my survey, please let me know. I have tried to issue a survey to estranged parents who are estranged from one or more of their children in adulthood. And I've only been able to get about, I think, 235 to complete the survey. It's very difficult to find estranged parents that will complete the entire survey. The number one response I got, though, when I asked them, what is the hardest part about being estranged from your adult child, they usually say not seeing their grandkids. And I understand not seeing your grandkids is so painful, but you have to understand how that feels to your child, that you really just want to repair this with them or to be closer to them or, you know, get back in their life because you want to be around those kids.

not because of anything to do with them or your love for them or you wanting to repair the relationship with them. It's usually about young grandchildren and having access to them. And so when you bring up the grandchildren in these conversations, I think sometimes it puts your adult child on the defensive of like, oh my gosh, they just want access to the kids. This isn't even about me. Do they love? me, do they care about me? Do they even want a relationship with me or are they really just trying to get to my kids? And if you have a relationship with your adult child where they have felt consistently rejected, abandoned, ignored, like an afterthought, it's really going to dig up

some of those feelings. Otherwise, I don't think this letter is horrible as a first attempt, an entry point. I would change the part about the grandchildren. I would probably leave them completely out of this. I would try to add a little bit more specific accountability and maybe demonstrate how some change or improvement has occurred. And I would also make sure that you have some respect for boundaries in there and a continuing plan for change that really involves accountability and doing something about those specific issues or behaviors in your relationship. Okay. Now I'm going to read the third correspondence. This, I believe, is a text message. It's three different messages that all came in in succession with no replies from a mother to their adult child.

I've got nothing but love for you. I'm sorry I don't meet your wants or expectations. I wish you stopped trying to mold me into what you want. I wish you would stop. being mad at me for your unmet expectations of me. If I could wave a wand to do what you want, I would. I love and adore you just the way you are. I miss you. We miss you. Perhaps you could tell me what you like for me with that like hands up, confused questioning kind of emoji. So this is not an apology at all, right? Saying I'm sorry I don't meet your wants or expectations is not an apology. Instead, it's framing the child as being demanding and unfair, unfairly demanding. And the parent doesn't have to look at themselves and say,

am I doing anything wrong here? It's really just about you're putting unfair expectations on me that I cannot meet. There's also a lot of weaponized help. in this message. If I could wave a wand, I would. This parent feels ultimately powerless, and like they have no agency in this situation, no ability to make it better. The only thing that they could possibly do is wave a magic wand and kind of change into this person that their adult child wants them to be. There's also quite a bit of subtle and not so subtle blame and guilt in this message. So stop being mad at me for your unmet expectations. Again, that shifts responsibility back on to the adult child's emotional response. I didn't meet your expectations. Stop being mad at me for that.

You had wrong expectations of me as a mother. I cannot do what you want me to do. And it's your fault for being upset about that. You really should just get over it. That's what's being implied here, right? there's there's also a very interesting cycle happening here that I think we see a lot right there's some self-pity that comes up like I'm sorry I don't meet your wants or expectations I wish you'd stop trying to mold me into what you want I wish you would stop being mad at me I miss you and that comes after saying I've got nothing but love for you so it's like I'm going to express affection for you, self-pity, and then move into requests for instructions. Perhaps you could tell me what you'd like for me.

This is like, you need to give me a roadmap to exactly what you want. But right before that, I have said that you are mad at me for your unmet expectations, and that's wrong. You're trying to mold me into what you want, and I'm not going to do that. and I can't meet your wishes or expectations, which tells me that this adult has already told this parent what they want from them, right? And the parent is saying very clearly, I cannot meet those expectations. I cannot be the person that you want me to be. I'm not going to be like molded or changed. So you don't need another roadmap. You already have it and you have decided.

guided that you cannot meet those expectations. I think putting the adult child in this role of like the teacher, therapist, guide, it allows the parent to not take any initiative to understand, learn or reflect, which this parent is showing like, I'm not going to do that. I don't want to do it. And I don't think that I can. I don't think that it's possible. And so I think if you're on the receiving end of a message like this, those are the words that you need to listen to. I did not meet your wants or expectations. I will not become what you want. I want you to stop being mad at me. I don't have a want to do what you want, and that's the only way I think that can happen. I love and adore you just the way you are. Again, this is very reminiscent of the first letter

that we read that, like, I am tolerant and accepting of you, why can't you do that for me? And those are the words that we really need to listen to, right? What is actually being said here, not what we are trying to infer, or maybe you might read this and say, oh, okay, she doesn't understand. I will tell her what I want from her again and maybe try to craft like the perfect words. so that she understands it. I think, though, that this is a perfect example of a parent really trying to have you coach them into being a parent rather than them actually doing the work of repair.

And if this is the first time this has happened, that's one thing. But for many of you, you might notice that this is a dynamic that has continued over and over that every time you express to your parent, like, you're doing this thing that makes me upset. I don't like it. It hurts me, whatever it is. And they say, oh, I just can't please you. I can never do anything right. Just tell me what you want for me.

You're so difficult. You're so demanding. You want perfection. Then you know that you've told them many, many times. And they are being willfully ignorant about what you're asking of them. and getting you to do more of that teaching and labor is kind of just a way to continue having the relationship without doing anything different on their part. All right.

Now let's look at letter number four. This is a little bit of a longer one, and it is a very interesting one. I really don't know what to say. You're pissed off at me because I'm not making an effort. I call you and ask how you are doing. I'm fine is how you respond before you quit responding to my phone calls. I'm not a mind reader, and my question is truly a question, and it is incumbent upon you to answer truthfully in order to start the conversation, because I honestly don't know what you are dealing with

beyond the generalities that we discussed. Your mother was dealing with depression, and just like you, I wasn't there for her. I didn't even know she was dealing with depression because she never told me until two months ago. Maybe I lack empathy, like your mother said. I live my life. I try to do good to people and I love my family. Like most people, I sometimes hurt those I love and I'm truly sorry for that, but I can honestly say that I never once in my life intended to hurt you. Tell me who I am talking about. A young lady who grew up feeling unloved. A young lady who felt like the black sheep of the family. A young lady that was given opportunities beyond the average. A young lady who blames her parents for the way she feels. A young lady who never felt understood.

A young lady who adopted a worldview different from her parents. A young lady who thinks she's smarter than her parents. A young lady who makes everything about herself. The young lady that I'm talking about is your mother 30 plus years ago. And to be completely honest, I see your mother in you more and more. I don't mean that to be an insult. But the parallels are uncanny. I don't see a lot of me and you.

Because of that list above, I can't identify with one of those. I was loved. I wasn't given a lot, but I could do whatever I put my mind to, thanks to a dad who made me feel that way. Your uncle was brought up by the same parents as me, but he blamed my parents for the way he felt, and he would identify with that list completely. He's not a happy person to this day, and he's 75 years old. The other thing I've noticed throughout my life is that people who put themselves first seem to be the unhappier people in life. I may get taken advantage of by people that I trust and even by those I love, and I have cried many tears of hurt. But through it all, I forgive and I am happy because I like who I am. Yesterday, I was told by a beautiful young lady at the gym that I was an inspiration because I am always happy and I always have a big smile on my face and a good word to say to others. You know what, everything in my life doesn't go according to plan and I have my share, some would say more than my share of issues, many of which are brought on by myself. I'm not going to

blame others, maybe the government, but I do move on and I do the best that I can. Your mother always told me that I wasn't introspective enough. Honestly, why would anyone want to dwell on their shortcomings? I would rather dwell on my strengths and realize what my shortcomings are so I can mitigate them. Let me contrast you with your stepmother. And then I've redacted a bunch of stuff that was identifying about her. I gave you that brief biography to point out the contrast between your upbringing and someone who had it bad. I'm not trying to minimize your hurt, but to show you that your upbringing shouldn't define you. Blank did not let it define her. As an adult, we can decide what we will define us. And it's my opinion that you should be looking forward and

forgive the past. The other contrast I see is what Blank chooses to do with her life. She has always been a caregiver and helping people. Even today, she volunteers at the local food bank and she went to help those in need in Blank. It's hard to focus on your problems when you're helping others with theirs. I know this isn't what you were expecting, but there is enough material here to start many a conversation. I love you, Blank, and I always will. I think I can help if you'll live. Listen to me, but that's completely up to you. Look at successful people and learn from them. What are the keys to their happiness? This letter is quite the dozy. I've read it before and reading it again, I'm like, wow. So, you know, the biggest thing that stands out to me here

is that comparison is being used here in a very manipulative way. This father obviously, has some issues with this child's mother, some resentment, some anger, all of that. And by basically telling your child that they have none of you in them and you are all the good parts and they have all these bad parts of their mother in them that you divorced and that they should be more like their stepmother who you are married to now is incredibly cruel and just a really bizarre thing for a parent to do. I do not know why any parent would want their child to, one, think that their parent hates them or does not love them, to have them think that they are all the worst parts of that parent and to make them feel like they are unloved because that parent is a part of them.

It's really, really awful. Now, here, The parent is also rewriting this adult child's narrative and basically telling them what their life was like and how they should feel about it. Right. So there's this whole list of a young lady who this, a young lady who that and like labeling, you got all of these things. So why are you so like this? Why are you messed up and ungrateful and all of that? This is like classic deflection and projection to avoid any. type of accountability. I think here the parent is also labeling themselves as the expert and the

authority on their child's experience and life. So they are basically saying, this is how I lived my life. This is how I interpret your life. This is how you should feel. And if you feel any other way, it's wrong. And there's a problem with you. And you need to figure out why other people are so happy this parent is also comparing their child to their brother who they clearly dislike and kind of saying like my brother is is a loser and always blamed our parents and look that's what you're doing to me. There's also a lot of self-promotion and moral superiority in this letter. So people say I'm inspirational. I'm always happy.

I don't dwell on shortcomings. All of this is just about how this parent is so much better than the children. than the child, yet they can't listen, they can't understand, and they can't take accountability. So who cares, you know, if you're inspirational and always happy. It's very hard to have relationships when those are the only things that you are, right? And I think also pointing to this, like, beautiful young lady that says, I'm an inspiration. It's kind of like, see other young women like me and think I'm great. Why don't you? And so there's more of this pitting this daughter against other people, right? There's, again, an avoidance of responsibility. So I never

intended to hurt you means I may have hurt you, but because I didn't mean to, we're not going to talk about it. They also go on to say, you know, that they are explicitly rejecting any introspection. Why would anyone dwell on their shortcomings? Means I want a relationship with people. and with you that requires zero introspection, zero reviewing of anything that I have ever done, because if those are my shortcomings, I don't want to dwell on them. I just want to move on, do something different. I think that this is a parent that is ultimately responding to their child's suffering with their strengths, their suffering, other people's hardships, and they are doing no repair.

They are basically saying, I can teach you how to live a great life. And the key to living, the great life that I live, is not to say you're sorry, don't take accountability, just keep it moving, try to be happy, don't be angry at people, and move on. Why would anyone attempt repair with this person? It's clear as day. It's not going to happen. You're being told by this parent, I am just going to teach you how to ignore everything that has

happened between us. We're going to pretend it didn't happen and we're going to try to trudge forward into the future. That's the relationship that I'm offering you. And I can see why a lot of people would not want to take someone up on that offer. So before we wrap up, I want you to know that these letters really aren't outliers. I've received a lot of these letters, and I think that they give us a view into the emotional patterns that many of you have lived with, right? It's minimization, blame, bypassing, comparison, self-focus, and apologies that never quite

land. And of course, there is a range to these letters. I think some of them that we looked at today are much better than others. They show promise and the ability for change and others are way further off from that mark. I think if you feel yourself reacting as I read these, I want you to know that your reaction is valid. I think these types of communications often reopen wounds and can make you realize like, oh, wow, this is what I've experiencing.

Inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, we explore how to determine if a parent is capable of genuine repair, what emotional maturity looks like in practice, and how to protect yourself while staying grounded. Members get access to therapist-led groups, discussion boards, scripts, worksheets, and guidance that's actually tailored to what you're going through. If you want support navigating letters like these or deciding what to do next, I would love to have you join us. You can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club, our membership community at Calling Home at www.com.com.com. Thank you so much for listening, for doing this work, and I'll see you in the next episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice,

or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colin Holm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holm's terms of service linked in the show notes below.