CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Reconciliation In Relationships

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Reconciliation is a process that requires both parties to take responsibility, acknowledge their roles, apologize, and work towards a new relationship. Reconciliation should move slowly, especially in cases of long-standing estrangement or rifts. Setting boundaries, managing expectations, and accepting family members as they are now are all important as a family works toward making things better. Celebrate small victories along the way, and remember that reconciliation is not a final destination but a process that may involve steps forward and backward. A holiday related question from a Calling Home listener about why families often cater to the most toxic individual during celebrations and holidays ends todays episode. Today's episode is sponsored by Hello Fresh. Use code homefree for FREE breakfast for life - get one breakfast item per box while your subscription is active. HeloFresh is America’s #1 Meal Kit. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi everyone and welcome back to another solo episode of the Calling Home podcast. I am your host, Whitney Goodman. I'm so excited to be back here with you today. I hope that you all enjoyed our episode from last week with Elizabeth Earnshaw about in-law relationships. If you haven't listened to that, definitely go back and check it out. That was the first episode I think I recorded of the podcast. And it's one of my favorites. So if you're having any issues with in-law, definitely go and check that out. So I wanted to talk about reconciliation today. And we're going to start off the podcast with talking about reasons why people reconcile

a couple of different paths to reconciliation and what you need to do before you reconcile and then how to reconcile with someone, what that will really look like. And then after that, I will answer a few of the caller questions and we'll listen to some of those voicemails. So, you know, in the Calling Home community, we have these groups, right? We have weekly groups. We have our Overthinkers Anonymous group. And then we have our Open House group that meets twice a month. And in one of our open house groups, we had such an interesting mix of people. There were people who initiated estrangement in their families, and there were people who were on the receiving end of that estrangement. And the thread that I found between, you know, these two groups of people who can

definitely be very triggering to one another, who can be hard to listen to, depending on what, on what side you're on, is that these people all on some level wished that they could reconcile or wanted to reconcile in some way. And I don't think that necessarily means that all of them wanted to go back and have a relationship with this person. But I think they wished that the relationship could be different. There was a lot of grief. And reconciliation has been a big topic that we've been discussing in these groups. And for those of you that aren't part of the Calling Home community, you can access these groups through the Family Cycle Writers Club. and we just opened up registration again because we started a new module on mother-daughter

relationships. So if this sounds interesting to you and you'd like to connect with other people that are going through what you're going through, please go to callinghome.com to sign up. All right. So I put up a question box on my Instagram stories asking people who have reconciled, why they reconciled, what prompted them to reconcile, you know, or how they got there. And I wasn't really expecting this, but I should have expected it, that there were a couple of key answers and themes that came through here. And it seems like a lot of people had the same type of triggering events lead to reconciliation. And so just for the sake of like defining it, I think reconciliation is when anybody who is estranged, has had a rift or a break in a relationship

decides to move forward and start that relationship again, or you're going through some type of rift in the relationship. Maybe you've maintained some level of contact, but there has been a disagreement or an argument, and you want to reconcile. And so this is really interesting. If we look at reasons why people reconcile, these were some of the most common ones. Death was number one. So many people said, I reached out after so-and-so died. I had a lot of people and my family die and I felt like life was too short and I wanted to reconnect. My sibling died and I wanted to have a connection with my mom again. Death was definitely one of the number one precursors for people to engage with their family members again. The next one was a baby being born. A lot of

people said, I want my children to have grandparents. I want my children to have an aunt or an uncle. I wanted to have family around. And so I decided to pursue reconciliation after I found out I was pregnant or after a child was born or maybe someone else in the family had a child and the person wanted to have a relationship with that child. The other ones, the big ones that I'm going to go into more detail later are, of course, they took responsibility, apologized, and changed their behavior. This is what led to me being able to reconcile. Boundaries were set. We had honest conversations and trust was established again. Other people said we put in the work on ourselves during the time apart.

They got sober and stayed sober. I learned to let go of what I was upset about and accept them as who they are. And we agreed not to discuss what happened and to create a new relationship. So you'll see here there's a lot of different paths that led people to saying, you know what, I think I might want to pursue reconciliation. with this person. But there are a couple of different paths to reconciliation, right? And as you hear me talk about each of these paths, some of them you might feel like I could never do that. That is not my path to reconciliation. I do not want to forgive and forget. I don't want to ignore the past.

And so it's important, like, as I go through these, for you to think, like, okay, how does that make me feel. How would that impact me if I chose this path to reconciliation? The first one is, of course, the most obvious one, which I think is that both parties take responsibility for their role, acknowledge it, apologize, and work towards a new relationship. And there might be some of you listening that say, I had absolutely no role in this estrangement. It's not my fault. I have nothing to apologize for. And, the other person is the one that needs to do the repair. And there are a couple of situations where I would definitely agree with you here. One of them would be child abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse.

If you have a parent who was abusive in some way to you, you are not responsible for apologizing and taking responsibility for your role in a situation where you did not have any power. Now, if an adult, We're talking about two adults who would scream at each other, throw things, not speak kindly to each other, did not communicate well throughout this estrangement, that you might want to take responsibility for that part. That might not be the original reason for the Rift. It might not be why the estrangement happened. And there might also be a lot of reasons that led you to behave that way. but it still might be something that you want to take responsibility for. The second path to reconciliation is people work on themselves during the separation.

And when they come back, they agree to a new relationship with different boundaries. They may not necessarily discuss the past or even repair the rift that led to that divide. They agree to start new. And I've seen a lot of families do this where something happened. between two people, and they decide, you know what, we see these situations completely differently. We do not agree on how we see this. This is something that happened in the past, and now we are both willing to say, I want to leave that in the past, and I want to start new. I like the person that you are today. I think that you've worked on yourself. I feel like we can have a new relationship

now. And some of you might be saying, I could never do that. I could never just start over and have a relationship with someone without repairing what had happened in the past. And if that's the case, then this might not be for you. And then the third thing is, I think one person can change their behavior and take responsibility for the past. They might get sober. They might stop participating in something that was leading to a disagreement in the relationship. Something might happen that allows you to say, I can have this person back in my life. They started taking medication. They got help.

They went to therapy. You know, whatever it is, it doesn't erase the past. But this person has started behaving or doing things differently than they did before. And that allows me to have a new relationship with them. So when you think about these paths to reconciliation, though, I think the important thing to remember is that everybody has to agree on the path to some extent. Because I have heard from parents of adult children who will say things like, let's just move on. Let's just leave it in the past. We're older now. Things have changed. Let's move forward. And the adult child is saying,

no, I really need to talk about these things. I really need to express myself. And I need you to hear me and to understand me, and I need you to take responsibility for what has happened in this family. And if you have two people that want to take very different paths to reconciliation, and they're not willing to help the other person with what they need in order to move forward, it's going to be very, very difficult to reconcile. And so you might have to say, you know, I really want to have a relationship with my daughter. It's very important to me. And in order to have a relationship with my daughter, I'm going to have to listen to her. I'm going to have to try to understand where she's coming from. I'm going to have to have to

apologize, swallow my pride, say, that makes sense why you feel that way, and seek understanding. and I might have to do that so that she feels safe and she feels comfortable moving forward with me and we can have a relationship. And I know that if I'm not willing to do that and I don't do it, I won't have a relationship with her and I have to choose which thing I'm going to do. And some people might choose to not have a relationship, but you have to know that this is a compromise and we don't just leave things in the past. or forget what happened just because one person wants to do that.

There has to be an agreement, and it has to feel authentic and legitimate in order to truly reconcile and move forward. If someone just says, let's let the past be the past and move forward, and they don't truly mean that, I think in a couple of months, in a year, whatever, the person might be like, you know what, I still really can't have this relationship because it doesn't feel like the past is the past. which also brings us back to the one common threat in all of these paths to reconciliation. The people and the relationship have to be different in order to reconcile.

So if you have someone in your family who you want to reconcile with, but you are not willing to change anything about how you speak to them, about how you interact with them, about the things that you do together, the topics that you discuss, why would they reconcile? Nothing is different from when they initiated the estrangement. And the same thing is true on the other side. You know, why would you reconcile with someone who you are estranged from if nothing has changed, if nothing has improved? And so that brings us into this piece of like, before you reconcile, what do you need to consider? and what do you need to clarify for yourself?

So I have some questions for you that I want you to think about. Before you reconcile, what is motivating you to reconcile? What are you hoping will happen or will change? What has changed? I just talked about how you can't reconcile if things are exactly the same. So what is different? What is new? what is in progress in this relationship is someone in therapy. Are they reading books? Are they

talking about things? Are they getting sober? Are they learning how to communicate better? Have they learned to keep certain criticism or thoughts to themselves? Have they expanded their horizons to include your identity, your interests in life? You have to really get clear on what will be different if I go back to this relationship? And then how will your life improve by engaging in this relationship again? We have to remember that relationships are meant to enrich our life. They're meant to improve our life. And so what will be better by engaging in this relationship? Will you be happy that your child has grandparents, will you spend holidays with your family? Will you enjoy calling them on Sundays? You know, what will you get in return for this reconciliation that will

enrich either of your lives in some positive way? And what would you like your relationship to look like? I think when anyone reconciles, this needs to be really clear and people need to be in agreement. There are some people who assume that the minute you reconcile, you're going to be talking on the phone every day and spending time at each other's homes, and that may not necessarily be true for you. You may be thinking, I'm ready to move forward into texting occasionally, or I'm ready to come over on one holiday a year. You know, we have to be really clear about what are those boundaries, what do you need in order to reconcile safely, and what will that relationship look like? And having that clear understanding on both sides can

really eliminate a lot of unnecessary arguing and discourse. And you also want to make sure that this person has the capability to understand and respect your boundaries. So if you have an adult child that you've taken space from, let's say, because they were, they stole from you. They been using substances. They've lied to you. They've manipulated. These things happen. They can be a result of substance use of certain mental health diagnoses. If that's the case, and you're saying we would really like to have a relationship with our adult child, but these are the parameters that we have. When you're in our home, you cannot be under the influence. And can the other person agree to that? Can this person say, I think that's fair? I can agree to that. When you are able to understand one

and others' boundaries and come to an agreement, reconciliation will be much more likely, right? Because you can see that, okay, we are on the same page. We are trying to collaborate and negotiate terms that will make this relationship successful. And that will really help you feel a lot more secure in this process. So let's talk about the steps to reconciliation and how you might work on reconciling with someone. I want you to remember that reconciliation should move slowly, especially if this is a long-standing estrangement or rift, do not expect things to get better overnight. If there is an issue that needs to be resolved before you move forward, you need to make that clear and that issue needs to be the priority. There are some people that will say,

I cannot move forward until I know that my family member understands why I'm upset and they're able to verbalize and understand how they hurt me and I'm able to understand what's going to be different moving forward. If that is the case and someone is pursuing reconciliation with you or you're pursuing it with them, that needs to be at the forefront, right? I would love to have a relationship with you, but we need to talk about this before that happens. And that might include saying we need to go to therapy, we need to meet with a mediator, we need to have a third party present. I'm comfortable exchanging letters or speaking on the phone about this issue, whatever it is that needs to happen first. And this is typically a multi-step process, especially

if there, again, is a long-standing estrangement or rift going on between people. Otherwise, if you feel, and some people feel this way, that they really don't want to rehash the past, something has happened in their life, like a death, the birth of a child, whatever it is that has made them feel like I just want to move forward. I want to begin a new relationship with this person. If that's how you feel, then you have to commit to that, right? You have to commit to saying the past is in the past, and I am going to focus on the present and the future. Now, I want to make something clear here. The past has to actually be in the past, right? You can't say, I'm going to leave my mom's disrespectful abusive behavior towards me in the

past if she's still doing it today. So that's what has to be really clear when it comes to reconciliation is that the behavior that you're leaving in the past, it needs to. needs to have stopped. And both people need to be really committed to that behavior not continuing anymore and not participating in that behavior. The other thing I think that you need to remember is to really start softly and slowly, like I said. So the person who wants to pursue reconciliation can start by making that known. I would really like to have a relationship with you. I would like to start a new relationship with you. I would like to heal what we've been through. I would like to learn more about what it would take for you and I to start over again or to heal

what has happened between us in the past. And this can be a really hard part for people on either side, because if you're the one initiating this, there's a chance that the person on the other side of this may need to take time and they may not be ready to reconcile on your timeline. And you have to be really patient and understanding with this because we do not want to try to force, manipulate, or push someone into reconciliation. because it's going to make it less likely for it to actually happen. And so this can take months, years, it can take a long time for people. You have to show that you are going to be a safe person that can move at their pace,

especially if there has been a lot of hurt and a lot of disagreement on either side. your ability to move at someone else's pace and to be understanding will be what shows them that they can trust you moving forward and that you are not just thinking about yourself, you're thinking about the relationship between you and them and not just what you want and need and what would make you feel better because it's very obvious to them that of course you want to reconcile, you want things to be better, you want the relationship to be good, but relationships are about two people and we have to make sure that we're moving together and sometimes that means one of us has to slow down a lot more than we normally would

in favor of the duo or the unit and this is why this stuff takes a lot of time and there might be breaks during it. The other important piece is to be honest but try to be honest without being hurtful. And what I mean by that is, can you kindly and compassionately set boundaries? Can you say, I really appreciate you inviting me over and I'm not ready to be around the entire family yet? Can you say to your family member, we would love to see you on your birthday and we understand that you might not be ready to do that?

let us know how you're feeling and if they say no saying i understand and i respect that and you can ask them would it be okay if we sent you a card and they can tell you yes or no and then whatever that person is sharing with you you need to respect that boundary right and you need to follow it because this is how we are building trust this is how we are showing each other when you tell me something, I listen and I respect your wishes. And I do not choose my own needs of me wanting to send you a card on your birthday over your needs on your birthday. You are telling me what you need and I am going to follow that. Now, of course, if someone tells us something that they need. And it is in violation of one of our own boundaries. It makes us feel uncomfortable. It's not

something that we can do. We can also kindly and compassionally say to them, you know, I know you really want to see me on my birthday. And I understand why that would be really nice. And I'm just not feeling comfortable doing that yet. I hope that next year will be different. And we can set boundaries, in that area and show the other person, you don't have to read my mind. I'm going to tell you what I need and what feels good for me. And this really helps improve the trust. The other one that I think is really important after you make the decision to reconcile is to accept your family member as they are now. If I am going to have a relationship with this person, today, is there something about them that is fundamentally different? Are they speaking to me in a

different way? Are they no longer using substances? Have they managed some of their symptoms that used to negatively impact our relationship? Are they in a different relationship? Are they living in a different place? Like, are there things that are different about them that are not the same as when we used to have issues? You know, there can be people in your life that were very harmful to you during periods of their life where things were bad for them and things were different. And it doesn't take away what they did. It doesn't change it, doesn't erase it for you. But sometimes we get stuck seeing people only as they were and not as they are now. And reconciliation requires us to leave that version of them in the past. Now again, if this person

hasn't changed, reconciliation likely is impossible unless you're going to just swallow it and accept that they are who they are, which is another part of this, right? Can you accept who they are now? Then part of reconciliation is cultivating a friendship with this person. Try to connect with them as the person that they are right now. How can you find common ground with them? What interests do you share? Are there memories that you have together, things that you like to do together? Are there ways that you can forge a new relationship that isn't just about the rift or things that happened in the past? And then managing your expectations is huge when you were reconciling with someone. I talked about going slowly, right, with this person. And so you really need to manage your

expectations. Just because someone has agreed to pursuing reconciliation with you does not mean that it's going to go exactly how you want it to, at the speed you want it to, and end up where you thought that it would. You might go from no contact to low contact. And that might be your version of reconciliation for right now. And so we have to remember that if there has been a big rift, if there has been a lot of strain in this relationship, a text message, a dinner together, that isn't going to fix this, okay? And then honoring your victories along the way is very important. Celebrate whether that's together or alone when things are improving. And this might be as small as they responded to your text message. You spoke on the phone for five minutes.

they've agreed to stop by the house one day. You know, you sent them a happy birthday message and they responded saying, thank you. These are all victories post-estrangement. And so thinking about like, how are things getting a little bit better than they were before? They might not be where I want them to be. They might not be perfect or a full reconciliation. But is it better? than it was. And am I seeing signs that we are on the right path here? And then I would remind you that, again, reconciliation is not a final destination. It's not a guarantee. Sometimes people slip in to old habits while they're reconciling. Sometimes relationships can become abusive, dangerous, harmful, toxic, whatever you want to call them again. And you always have

the right to be able to say, this is not something that I can reconcile because nothing has changed. This is not something I can forgive or make peace with because this is still the same relationship that I needed space from. And maybe I'm a different person now or you're not a different person or vice versa. But you do not have to commit to reconciliation if the facts change. And that's something important to remember. And you can't force anybody to reconcile. You can't force yourself. You can't force someone else. So remembering that these things absolutely take time and it is okay to pause to take a step back. If things are not going well, let's say you open up the line for communication through texting or phone calls and the person

immediately starts to violate your boundaries or to make it difficult, then it's okay to say we need to take a step back. And sometimes reconciliation is not a straight path. It involves a couple steps forward, one step back, and really taking the time to figure out what it's going to take to trust one another or to trust that person again. So for any of you that are on the path to reconciliation or considering it. I hope that this was helpful to you. Your reaction to this episode might tell you that you are ready to reconcile, that you're not at all ready to reconcile, and all of those reactions are appropriate in this case. Between this podcast and my clinical work and seeing clients, I am really busy. And after a full day of work, there is still so much to do. Some

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and you can ask me a question, and I will answer it here on the show. So please feel free to do that whenever. Hi, I'm calling about this functional family member. at celebrations and holidays and how they just kind of ruin everything. My question is, why does everybody in the family, like aunts and uncles and people not in like the nuclear family, why do they all cater to the most toxic individual? They just don't really seem to stand up against them and everyone just falls in line and then everybody's holiday is ruined over basically one person. Why does that happen?

It's so infuriating. This is super common in family systems. Over time, the family will learn to cater to the most toxic or the most challenging person. Typically, out of survival, you know, it's like, can we keep dad calm? Can we try to manage, you know, his mood swings? Can we make sure that he's happy? Because then none of us will have to deal with the blowout that comes from that. And I think what happens over time is that we all get so used to playing these roles.

And we actually think that our role is vital in keeping the peace, even though all we're doing a lot of the time is breeding more dysfunction. So if you have a person in your family that tends to be disruptive at holiday dinners, the family often unconsciously or subconsciously is thinking this is the year that we're going to be able to have a good time because we're going to make sure that that doesn't happen. We're going to make sure that Uncle Joe is happy and we don't talk about anything that's going to upset him and everyone's going to kind of like stay in line and we'll all figure out how to do this dance.

But unfortunately, the most dysfunctional family member is often highly unarmed. unpredictable. They get mad at a variety of things and they're always going to act a certain way no matter what you do. And so they are predictable and unpredictable, you know, at the same time, right? It's this predictability that they are going to act out. They are going to be disruptive in some way, but you're not sure what's going to set them off and you're not sure who's going to be the person to manage them and what that's going to look like. And so people really try to seek control in these environments. And it takes, often the entire family saying, we are no longer going to cater to the most dysfunctional person in the family. We are going to call this person out

for what it is and make them take responsibility for the dysfunction that they are causing. But as long as everyone is, like, complicit in that dance, it's very hard for things to change. And the person who is dysfunctional, you know, they may be craving that attention. They may enjoy people circling around them and that feeling. And this is something that we've been talking about a lot in calling home this month. We've been talking about, like, being the person that notices the dysfunction in your family and what it's like when you can no longer pretend that you don't see this stuff happening, you know, that you don't see that people are catering to this person and they're pretending

like this thing isn't happening, but you see it. And once you see it, it's very, very hard to unsee. Thank you all so much for joining me today for this solo episode. I love doing these and I really appreciate you all being here. As always, please follow, subscribe, leave a review on Apple or Spotify podcast or wherever you're listening to this podcast. That really helps us grow this podcast and keep it going for you all. And to leave me a voicemail, you can call 866-225-5-4-66. Thank you all so much and have a wonderful rest of your day. Oh!