CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - The Guilt of Calling Out Your Parents

Episode Date: August 28, 2025

In this Q&A episode, Whitney responds to a thoughtful listener question about self-reflection in family relationships - specifically when calling out parents' hurtful behavior makes them withdraw and feel bad about themselves leading to guilt about whether you're part of the problem. She also discusses Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's engagement then explores troubling father-son enmeshment patterns she's observing in shows like McBee Dynasty. Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhit Follow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity⁠⁠ This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute  for professional mental health advice. 05:18 McBee Dynasty and Toxic Father-Son Dynamics 10:07 Family Secrets: September's Topic 14:52 When Parents Walk on Eggshells Around You 22:14 Q&A: How to Know If You're Part of the Problem Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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the Calling of a Podcast. I am your host, Whitney Goodman. So excited to be here with you today because we have Q&A episode, which are some of my favorite episodes. But of course, before we get into that question, we have a couple of like pop culture TV things to attend to. You all know that I love using reality TV and TV shows to talk about family dynamics. And I think there's some really interesting things that we can talk about this week. So I made a list. The first thing is you have to be living under a rock probably to not have seen that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey got engaged, which is a very big pop culture news. It's all over the place. And I want to talk about a little bit of a different angle with that. It has been so interesting to see how their parents

have been talking about their marriage and their relationship. And I think when we're in this space of talking about family relationships and particularly in-laws, boy moms, which are different than moms of sons, tend to get a lot of flack. And they're typically known for being, like, maybe kind of toxic or not wanting their sons to, like, get out there and be with other people. And I think we even saw one of Taylor Swift's exes, their mother kind of say like, oh, I'm so glad that that girl's not my daughter-in-law. And I think that you have to be a pretty strong, confident, intelligent, and, like, secure mother to be like Taylor Swift's mother-in-law. This is going to likely be a person in your son's life. that always has more power and more access and more money and more fame and all of that

than you do. And that can be kind of intimidating, I think, as a parent of adult children, like you're really surrendering to the fact that you have very little authority in this relationship. And I think that's true for a lot of parents of adult children, but certainly those that are able to exert power through influence and financial resources and community connections, like they can exert that power sometimes. And that gives them a little bit more of that role. But when you have children, which her children are, Donna Kelsey's children are very successful in their own right. And she's kind of had this experience of being in the public eye and having kids that are very successful financially and, you know, otherwise. But I think that

the way that their parents have been so, at least publicly, kind and supportive and just excited about this relationship and also very much respecting boundaries, right? Keeping things secret, not sharing when the proposal was, letting them have their moment. Like, I think is really cool. And it's something to look at as a relationship that we support and we admire and we promote. And I'm sure these families, like all families, have their own intricacies and issues, but this is something that I think is worth noting, especially because we have so many examples of parents and in-laws of very famous, very successful people really doing their best to destroy their

children's lives by selling information, selling photos, trying to get money out of them. And so to see this family that seems like they're really functioning like as a normal supportive, happy extended family that obviously have these very famous and powerful people in their orbits and in their family, I think is just really cool. And it's been really nice to see them talk about this couple very much as if like, these are our kids. And we're happy for them and we're excited about them. And I think that this also extends, you know, to the family. sibling relationships and other people that are involved. And so I love seeing healthy examples of that in the public sphere. And I think it's worth celebrating and noting and looking to rather than just

like these sensationalized examples of really toxic and bad family relationships that we often see play out in Hollywood and in other like high profile family situations. So congratulations. to them, very cool. The next thing I want to talk about is the show McBee Dynasty. If you haven't watched this show and you like reality TV, I highly recommend because it is like a combination of early Vanderpump rules and Yellowstone, but with real people. So if you haven't watched, it's basically a family that owns a ranch in Missouri. There are four adult sons. Parents recently got divorced, I think right before the filming of the show, maybe like a year or two prior. The show follows, you know, the drama of the farm, but also really mainly their family relationships and the politics of working within a family. But I want to talk. I'm not going to talk about these actual people because, you know, I don't like to do that. They're real people and I know we're not seeing everything here. But I want to talk about a phenomenal. that I'm witnessing on this show that is oddly becoming, like, much more prevalent.

So I just mentioned, you know, like the toxic mother-in-law trope is very prevalent and it's something we hear about a lot and we're sort of like afraid of when we marry into a family. And in this family, we're seeing an example of a father that is actually quite destructive to the relationships in the family, like the romantic relationships of the sons having any partners or getting married, things like that. He is actually the force that seems to be causing a lot of issues. And it's bringing up this really interesting phenomenon that we're starting to see more of today, I think, of emmeshment between fathers and sons. And sons, serving a specific role in the relationship with the father of sort of being like their buddy,

their wingman, the person that goes on trips with them, drinks with them, goes out with them. And like, especially when there's divorce, these men who are living like a new life post-divorce that is maybe the life that we would expect of someone in their early 20s, outsource. that to their sons and wanting to do that with their sons. And it creates this very fascinating power dynamic where I think that this type of father wants to do all of these things with their sons for a very specific reason. And that is that they get to control everything while also like living this kind of wildlife. Right. And there's also maybe not a huge abundance of their peers that can live this life with them at this time. And so they look

to their sons that are in their 20s and say, okay, you can fill this role for me. Because if you fill this role for me, I get to kind of control the narrative. I get to decide where we go. I'm paying for it. I can tell you that you have to come, which is kind of the thing here. It's like because they are sons and employees, they feel obligated to go and do whatever their father is asking them to do. And you can see kind of this sense of being really torn of like, I don't think I want to go on this boy's trip, you know, and be around women and like make my girlfriend uncomfortable. But I feel like I have to do it because that's what my dad wants me to do.

And they feel this need to please and emotionally support and align with their dad. And you can just tell there's so much conflict there. So I think that this is something we're going to be seeing more of when I was getting my haircut the other day. My hair person was telling me about how the show with Jake and Logan Paul is also kind of a very similar dynamic. So I need to check that one out. But I feel like we typically see this being portrayed with mothers rather than fathers and definitely like mothers with their sons.

And it's so fascinating to kind of see this morphing into a relationship that can happen between fathers and sons. So if you've watched the show, let me know. Leave me a comment because I'm interested to see what you think of the dynamics. Before we get to the question this week, I just wanted to let you know about what we are going to be covering at calling home. home next month. I recently did a poll and asked you all what your ideal topics would be for the rest of the year. And Family Secrets was the number two most popular topic. The first one was, of course, adult children of emotionally immature parents, which we just wrapped up. And there are now four weeks of content on the website to help any adult children of emotionally

immature parents manage those relationships. And so if you are a member of the Family Cycle Workers Club, you get access to all of that as well as this new topic, Family Secrets and everything that comes before and after that while your membership is active. But for the month of September, we are going to be talking about how families hide certain things from the public, how people in families are expected to hold on to really heavy family secrets and how that can impact you as a child and as an adult. And all families have secrets, right? Some are big, some are small, some are things that would absolutely destroy a family if they

got out. Some are things that are known by some people in the family, but they're not spoken about. And so I think the topic this month is going to be great for seriously anyone who felt like their family was so different on the end. outside than it felt on the inside. And anyone who was saddled with this request of like, don't tell anyone about this. If you tell someone X, this is going to happen, if you were threatened with information or if there was something that you knew and your other parent didn't know and you had to hide it from them or hiding something from your siblings, we're going to be talking about

the toll that takes. And also, what happened? when secrets end up getting released into a family and how there can be such tremendous fallout. Sometimes in the sense that certain people don't believe other people, it ruins the family's image or career, whatever it is, and how it can feel to be the one who breaks the secret or the person who finds out information that they were living their entire life, not knowing. So I think really anyone who has a dysfunctional family that just never felt very authentic is going to benefit from this month's content. And every week on Monday, you will receive a new article, video script, and worksheet from me on Mondays in your inbox. And that's going to begin on Monday,

September 8th. So we're going to take the Monday of Labor Day off. And then we will start the four weeks of content on Monday the 8th. You can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at calling home.com.C.O. And that will give you access to all of our content, quizzes, courses, and you get access to unlimited support groups with me and our other therapists at Calling Home. We will have a group every Wednesday about family secrets. And then you'll also get access to our other groups for estranged adult children, adult children of emotionally immature parents, family estrangement, and our daughters with difficult mothers group as well. So I hope to see you all there. All right. Let's go ahead and get to this question. I am going to read today's

question because it was sent to me via email. It's a question that I didn't get to answer in our monthly Q&A. I do Q&A for members of calling home every single month. So you also get access to that with your membership. And those are recorded. You can ask me anything and submit a question. And I will answer it live right there. But I thought this was a really great question. And so I'm going to read it to you today. Sometimes when I read articles or watch slash listen to things you post, I find myself thinking about it from their perspective, her parents, and wonder if they could read or listen to the same things

and think that I am the unsafe person slash problem. It feels like my mom walks on eggshells around me ever since I started calling her out on things that hurt me. she definitely is no longer her whole self around me and definitely leaves some interactions feeling worse about herself and unlike other typical parent interactions with an overbearing parent my parents are distant and i'm the one who's told them i wished they called and texted more i know that they see me as a burden which hurts me a lot basically while i'm upset because i don't feel loved by my parents they are also feeling unloved by

me because of calling them out on it. And I have a lot of guilt about it and wonder how to know if I really am part of the problem. Are there questions someone like me can ask themselves to know if I am part of the problem here? Thanks. I think this is such a great question. And it truly to me shows a lot of humility, empathy, and introspection, which I think, think are necessary ingredients for having healthy relationships and for being emotionally mature,

right? All of us can be the problem at some point. We can all be contributing something to a dynamic. Now, that being said, some people are contributing more than others. Some people are reacting to certain behavior and that is why they are acting in a certain way. And that doesn't absolve us from responsibility, but I think it's very important to look at power dynamics and the way that things are playing out. And so what I first want to say here is that when someone is called out on their behavior, when someone says to you, and people have called me on things, right, in my own relationships. Like if someone says to you, I don't like when you do this, you know, it makes me feel X or they point out that you're doing something. There's a lot.

a period of shame or guilt or embarrassment that comes after being told that you're doing something to hurt someone. And that is a good thing. That's a good sign. If someone doesn't feel anything when you tell them that they're hurting you, that is, that's a red flag, right? And we can even go as extreme as saying, like, that can present in like severe pathology where someone is antisocial and does not feel any remorse about their actions. And of course, this exists on a spectrum. But I ultimately think that we all should feel a slight sense of something when someone tells us that we have hurt them, right? And so, So I don't want to totally, like, say that your parents feeling this way is wrong.

I also think that there's a little bit of an awkward period that can often feel like walking on eggshells when we are trying to learn how to relate to people. And sometimes this can feel a lot more intense for certain people than others because they've never had that feeling before. If you are someone that consistently spends time with people that you can really get away with saying anything you want, you can be the most like crude, offensive, whatever, like all the people that you spend time with, they share that or they don't call you out because you have some degree of power in those relationships.

you feel like other relationships are very restrictive and like you're walking on egg shells because it's the only time that you're actually being held accountable or that you have to watch yourself in some way. And there are people, a lot of people, a lot of people from various different groups that know what that feels like all the time because that's how they have to live their life. They have to mask and code switch and look out, you know, for how they act in certain situations because they know that there are consequences to them not doing that, right? I mean, I think a lot of women, certain minorities, like you know the experience of feeling like, I can't say whatever I want in this room. There will be consequences for that. And so if you

are someone that's never had any boundaries put on what you say or do, it feels worse. Now, particularly when we're talking about the dynamic between parents and their adult children, this can sometimes be the first time where their child is asserting power in that relationship with them. And they can't ground them or take their stuff away or hit them or whatever it was that they used to do to assert power. And so that feels uncomfortable. And now they're sitting like, how do I feel in control in this relationship and on top? Like, what do I do? And that can create that sensation of walking on eggshells. I think that's a feeling that ultimately goes away when there's more safety in the relationship and when the person starts to feel a little bit more secure in their

ability to relate to the other person and to maintain a connection in that relationship. But at the beginning, it might feel that way. Now, that being said, I think it's, I think it's nice that you are aware of this and paying attention to it. I want to have a relationship where it feels like we can both like relax and be safe and understand each other. And I think that that comes again, with a feeling of safety and respect and trust within the relationship. But that takes time to build. And it seems like from this question that this is relatively new, you know, sort of like the quote unquote calling out on behavior and addressing it and the way they're responding.

And if they're already people that are a little bit avoidant and they respond with distance and pulling back when things don't feel good or when they feel like they're not in control or they're vulnerable, like that's hard. That's a hard thing to work with because it can make you feel like you're being punished for being honest. And so we have a lot of, we have an entire content block. We spent a month talking about how to become more emotionally mature at Calling Home. And you can go on our site and just click the search icon. and type in emotional maturity, and all of that content will pop up. But I think that if you start to look at this and you want to ask yourself, like, am I showing up in the right way? Am I actually

being the one that's kind of like toxic or rude or aggressive? You can look at that and ask yourself, you know, have I been kind? Have I been respectful? Am I communicating my needs in a clear and direct way that is easy to understand. Are the things I'm asking for pretty reasonable? Like, am I asking not to be insulted, ridiculed, criticized, picked on, you know, whatever it is, not be abused. Like, especially if you've been in these relationship dynamics for a long time, it's very easy to feel like what you're asking for is crazy because it's so far away from what you're used to. And this is where I think it's good to have somebody. that you can gut check with and be like, is this asking for too much?

Like, do you get this in your relationship, whether that's a therapist, a friend, somebody whose relationship you admire to ask them, like, is this normal? Is it okay for me to ask for this? And a lot of times they might be like, what are you talking about? Like, how low is the bar, you know? And I think it's good for you to have those kind of like gut checks. and that can help you have a little bit more confidence. But the fact that you're even thinking about this shows me that you are someone that is

considerate of others because I talk to people who can never be wrong. You know, the other person is always the one that's wrong. There's nothing they need to change, nothing they need to fix or do. And when it's that black and white, it's like, okay, let's take a step back. think here because all of us have the ability to be poor communicators, you know, not being emotionally mature, doing things that are very reactive, especially in relationships that are highly emotionally charged. But it's a work, it's a work in progress. And remember that not all content or things is made for all people. And so there are certain things that if I read it from the perspective of a

parent, like, that might not make me feel that good. But maybe it's not for me. Maybe it's not for the parent to read. Maybe some things are also just for you and that's okay. Thank you so much for sending this question in. As always, remember that you can send me a voice note or a question to my email, Whitney at callinghome.co, and I will answer a question every week on Thursdays on the podcast. You can also join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home and join my Q&A's once a month or join me for a Those are really the only ways to work with me right now. And I would love to see some of you there. It's been great to see so many new members, especially we've had a lot of men joining our

groups lately, which is really cool to see. I'd like to start a men's group one day with a male facilitator. We've had like sometimes our groups being, you know, I don't know, 15 to 20 percent men lately, which is really interesting. Calling home was like all women at the start. of course. But it's great. It's great to see that happening and everybody learns a lot from one another. So thank you all so much for listening, sharing your questions. Please don't forget to leave a review, write a comment, subscribe to the podcast wherever you are watching. Those reviews are

so helpful and I appreciate it. Have a great rest of your day, everyone. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Collingholm's terms of service linked in the show notes below. Thank you.