CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - The Parent Who Never Changes and the Parent Who Just Might

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

In this Q&A episode, Whitney answers two follow-up questions from her viral episode on parental curiosity. First, from a listener who wants to stay connected with an 81-year old father who has never once shown curiosity. Second, the opposite problem: a parent who, after a period of estrangement, suddenly asks a genuine follow-up question.The original episode that inspired the second question:When Parents Don't Show Curiosity About Your LifeWhitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club: https://callinghome.coFollow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmftOrder Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity: https://sitwithwhit.com/toxic-positivitySign up for updates on Whitney's new book: https://cmnyyv4kpyt.typeform.com/to/PHMzjy0oThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone and welcome back to the Calling Home podcast. I'm Whitney Goodman and today we have a Q&A episode. We're going to be talking about something so many of you have asked about. And it's one of those heartbreaking things in a family that I think doesn't always get named out loud. Our two callers today have questions about a parent who just isn't curious about your life. They don't ask questions. They don't seem interested in your inner world and they never have. And the hard thing about it. And the hard thing about it. this one is that there's usually no dramatic rupture that you can really just point to. It's more of an absence or maybe feeling like you're the one that reaches out, carries the conversation, or keeps the relationship alive single-handedly. I have two questions today. And the first one is from someone navigating a relationship with an aging father who has never been curious about her. And she seems certain that he never will be. She doesn't want to go no contact. but every call and visit continues to cost her a lot of emotional energy, and she's asking, how do I keep this relationship without it constantly reopening the wound? And the second one is

kind of the flip side. This person's mom, after years of issues between them and some repair, actually asked a genuine follow-up question about her life. And instead of relief, she felt completely thrown off. She didn't even know how to respond to her mom. And her question really is, how do we handle it when our parents start doing the right thing when that feels really form? Let's go ahead and get to that first question. How do you have relationships with people with no curiosity? I know my 81-year-old baby boomer father has no curiosity. If I didn't ring him, we wouldn't be speaking at all. He's elderly. not so well these days, so I don't want to be no contact. That doesn't sit with my values and

feels heartless. But I also can't get over my own feelings of pain, hurt, and rejection, especially as I know he won't change, and it's not because I haven't tried. I haven't figured out how to have surface-level contact with him in order to maintain the relationship, without it causing me emotional stress and fueling my hurt. Every phone call and visit takes up a lot of my mental energy and bandwidth was planning, preparing, and then reflecting and ruminating. Can you point me to any resources or more thoughts? I'm going to say something here that might be difficult to hear. And this is just my opinion on what it sounds like if you're someone that's still engaging in this type of cycle. You're saying, I want to have to have a little. I want to have a

have contact. My father is 81 years old. He has no curiosity. He doesn't call me. And I don't think that he can change. I think you're probably right about that at this juncture. But that every time you see him or talk to him, you feel emotional stress, hurt, and then have a lot of rumination. and reflection after the fact. If you are someone that finds yourself in this kind of cycle, then I would say that you have not accepted what actually is happening here, and you still have some level of hope or fantasy, and that makes sense, that you're going to get something different from your father, or that you should be getting something different. And so every time you interact with him,

there is hope, disappointment, downfall, rumination, reflection, regret, just kind of keep going in this cycle, right? If you find yourself doing that, I think you need to be really honest with yourself about how much you really accept that he's not going to change and how much you might be holding out for a different version of him every time that you see him, while also holding the reality that you're saying that you don't want to go no contact and you want to have a relationship with him. If you want to have a relationship with an 81-year-old father who has been acting like this, I would bet probably for most of his life, then you have to accept what that relationship is going to look like. And I bet, it's going to look like you picking up the phone, you calling, you doing the planning, and you having surface level contact. Now, there are some people listening would say, I don't want to do all that.

I don't care if he's 81. Like, it's harmed me so much. And every time I engage with this person, it takes me so long to recover that I just don't want to do it. Now, I don't know what happened in the relationship with this father leading up to this point. They're not mentioning that there was abuse or things like that. It sounds like it was probably a relationship with neglect if I had to make some assumptions. Having no curiosity and asking no questions is a little bit emotionally neglectful. It's hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn't ask you any questions. It doesn't try to get to know you. But I want you to say to yourself, if this is your situation, for those of you listening.

I want to have a relationship with my father. Okay? I know that I want to have a relationship with him. My father does not ask follow-up questions. He does not get curious about my life. I want to have a relationship with my 81-year-old father who has no curiosity. Every time I see my father,

he is not going to ask me questions. And when I see him and he doesn't ask me any questions, that is my father being my father. That is what my father always does. And I expect my father at 81 years old to behave like my father has always behaved. And if I want to maintain a relationship with him, this is what it is going to take. It is going to take me being the one to pick up the phone, me being the one to ask questions or to share what's going on in my life without him sharing.

And if I want to have a relationship with him, I probably have to be okay, that that's what the relationship is going to look like. Now, when I say all of that out loud, what do you feel? Do you think that fills me with absolute dread? I don't want to do that for one more second of my life. Or do you feel like, okay, that's kind of freeing. if I can just expect him to act, how he always acts. And I know that I can control the relationship and how much I decide to share and want to give. And I can show up when it works for me and share

what I feel is appropriate to share. And outside of that, can I start working on my feelings of what sounds like the child in me that feels like I'm in pain, and I'm hurt and I'm rejected. Because I think a lot of times when you go to your father in adulthood, expecting them to be different and wanting them to show you something that they've never shown you, it's not the adult version of you that's showing up that day to see your father or calling him on the phone. It's the six, seven-year-old you being like, see me, dad.

Like, show me that you love me and that you care about me and that you know. notice me. And then your father is not meeting you in that space and you are feeling that rejection again and again and again. And it's awful. It feels terrible. But maybe when you accept that if I want to have a relationship, it's going to have to be with this person as they are. And I can show up as the adult version of me with agency and choice and say, I'm choosing to show up here under these conditions and this is how I want to participate in the relationship, maybe it will feel a lot better. And maybe also you shift your thinking to this is not the person where I get my needs met. He's not going to make me feel seen. He's not going to ask about me.

he's not going to be curious. And so I need to do that elsewhere. I need to do that with myself, with my other family members, with my partner, with my friends. I have got to get those needs met somewhere else. Or I am going to continue going to like the apple cart for oranges. And there's not going to be any oranges there. And I'm going to keep not getting what I need. So can I shift my focus then and say that, I want to have a relationship with my father because it aligns with these values. This caller said, I don't want to be no contact. It doesn't sit with my values.

Okay, what are your values that you're operating from? Do you want to remain connected to him? Do you want to show up because you feel like that is a way for you to show caring or appreciation or gratitude? Like, what are the values that are driving this? And can you operate from those values instead of? from a place of wanting needs to be met. I hope that makes sense.

When I'm going to someone wanting something from them, wanting them to meet a need, that's very different than me going to someone, trying to have some type of surface level relationship because it lines up with my values. And operating from values can be a much more adult place to operate from with a parent than needs. And sometimes you have to really look at your parent and see them and be like, this man is 81 years old.

He is old. He is nearing the end of his life. He might be in the final decade or years of his life. And if I see him for the fragile person that he is, for the person who can't hurt me in all the same ways that they did. and I have power and I have agency in this relationship. Will that shift what it looks like? Now, if you're saying this and you have a parent like this and you're saying, no, this parent is still abusing me, they're yelling at me, they're calling me names,

they're constantly criticizing me, berating me, they're withholding things for me being judgmental. Like, that's different. You have to protect yourself also from what is and how you're being affected. And so without knowing exactly what these visits look like, it's hard to, comment, but I do think that you can take a step back and ask yourself some of those questions about needs and values and capacity. And if your decision is to stay connected, how can I do that with the least amount of damage possible? Great question. I think a lot of people can relate to this.

So thank you so much for sharing that. Now I'm going to read you that second caller question. I was listening to your episode about parents who are not curious about you, and it resonated so deeply. Ironically, this morning, before even seeing the episode, I was on the phone with my mom, and she randomly asked me a follow-up question about a part of my life I was talking about. I was so caught off guard that she actually seemed interested in this part of my life and seemed to be coming from a genuine place. The problem is, I felt completely awkward and had no idea how to answer her, in the context of our relationship. She is usually the type who does not ask anything past the surface,

or asks questions only when she wants to gather information to use against me. We have come a long way in the last few years following a period of estrangement, and I think maybe that was a moment of her trying. I guess my question is, how can we navigate the awkward phases like this? When our parents start to do the right thing,

and it feels totally foreign to our relationship with them, It feels as if I don't even know what tone I would speak in to this version of her or that I would be super formal or something out of awkwardness. I love this question. I'm so excited for this question. For all of you that always leave comments on my video saying, you think the adult child has to do or change anything? This is my answer for you. This is a perfect moment where we are talking about what you. As adults, adult children with your parents need to work on in the context of healing and reconciliation.

From what I can see here, let's remember what plain we are talking from, what the starting point of this conversation so that you know if this applies to you or not. This is a person who is recognizing that their parent is trying. They've come a long way. and they're moving past a period of estrangement. So I'm going to make the assumption here that this answer is going to be for people who have seen genuine signs of change, not perfect, imperfect, messy, awkward improvement. Okay?

And if you're listening to this question and you are someone who has seen this in your parent and you're feeling this awkwardness, this is something that might apply to you. If you have not seen any genuine signs of change, everything is still the same, no trying, probably doesn't apply to you. It is normal for this reaction to come up in you, even if things have started to improve and get better, mainly because you have not rewritten all of those scripts that live inside of you, that are not only mental and psychological, but also happening to. to you on a physiological level, the way that you feel when you're around your parent, the way that

your body sort of lights up when they ask you certain questions or try to hug you or interact with you. All of these things take time to retrain, especially after a period of estrangement or lifelong patterns with your parent. So if you have facts in front of you of like, they have shown change. They have shown that they've made progress, things are getting better, but my body is still reacting. That is okay. That happens. And so I want you to kind of step back and be like, I can trust myself. I have the proof and the evidence here that things are getting better, that they're trying. And I might be reacting to old preexisting material. Doesn't mean that I have to dive into the deep end, but can I, like, put my foot in the pool to continue with the metaphor

and test this out and know that if it doesn't work out, I can keep myself safe. I'm an adult. I have agency. I have power. Okay. So the mom has asked a new question, caught you off guard, and you feel like it was coming from a genuine place. This is where I would go back to, like,

what do I feel like I want to share? What do I feel comfortable sharing? It doesn't have to be everything, but could it be a little bit more than what I normally give? Could I test it out? Can I run an experiment of like, you know what? If she's asking me about, I don't know, I'll think that she's asking you about work. It's that part of your life. And I normally just say like, things are good. But today I might want to say, things have been really good. I don't know. I I've been working on this exciting project at work and we're doing X. And just leave it at that and see what she does. Can she meet that with even not curiosity, but just like, oh, that sounds interesting.

Thank you for telling me about that. Or ask you a question or try to ask, you know, what you like about it or when the project started like any of these things. Can you just throw her a bone and see what she does with it? And then you pause in that moment. If you say, I've been working on this really exciting project, we're working on X. And after that, she doesn't really meet that with kindness. Let's say is one option, fork in the road where she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, whatever and blows it off and goes to the next thing.

Or even says, like, why would you like doing that? That sounds really annoying or doesn't ask a follow-up question, but also isn't rude about it. These are all data points that you can collect. Or maybe she hears you and says, oh, that does sound really cool. what have you been doing for the project? What have you been working on? Like she meets you with a question or some level of excitement. Then you can continue on the path. To me, these are all different forks in the road. It is okay to approach them with caution and to try. I know for a lot of you, you've been let down and disappointed so many times. So a lot of these improvements or new developments can

seem really disingenuous and you feel like they're a trap. And sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't. And so I want you to, again, not don't jump off the deep end, don't go all in, but also don't feel like all progress and change is necessarily bad, especially with something like this. Curiosity like this, asking a question about something benign can be a really good thing. Now, if you have a parent who, again, tends to ask questions and weaponize them later and that keeps happening and you haven't seen any genuine proof, totally different story. Also, let it be awkward. It's going to be awkward.

Reuniting and talking to someone after any period of estrangement, silence, distance, even an argument of falling out, it is awkward. It's awkward for both of you. Don't expect it to feel 100% safe and good. Okay? your tone that you're asking about, like, I think, you know, you can approach this even like how you would cautiously with a new acquaintance or friend. I really believe that you're starting a new relationship here with this parent after something like this. And you can even say,

I love a moment of catch them being good, which is like what my first supervisor used to always talk about when I became a therapist, is like, tell your mom. I really liked that you asked me a question about that. That felt really nice. I really appreciate you doing that. I'm happy that I was able to tell you about that. That can feel really good for both of you of like, look at us. We're making some progress. And that doesn't have to mean that now I'm going to tell you my deepest, darkest secrets and everything about my life. You may just find that this topic is now something that you can talk about. and also that your mom is working on the muscle of curiosity.

I love that question. I hope that that's helpful for parents and adult children alike who are working on this skill. After listening to both of those questions and my response, I want you to know that you can want contact with your family or your parent and also want peace in your life. You can love someone and be in their life and accept that the version of them, that you really want might not be coming. And so I hope that you know that you can build a relationship that's smaller, has lower stakes, and is maybe less reflective of what you actually want if the other person allows you to have that contained relationship. And if you're feeling a

lot of awkwardness even after your parent has changed or started doing something, that's not always a sign that something is wrong. The pattern might be just shifting. It's going to feel strange and a little bit stiff for a while because you're learning a new way of being with one another. And so if you notice like the behavior is good, but I'm having a weird reaction to it, that's just a moment to pause. If this episode landed for you and you could relate, I have another full episode on lacking curiosity in families and how curiosity is such an important skill to develop. So definitely go check out that episode if you want to hear more about this. This is also something that we are constantly talking about inside the family cycle

rakers club at Calling Home, especially in our adult children of emotionally immature parents group, our strange adult children group, and our daughters with difficult mothers group. If you join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home, you get access to all of those groups with your membership. And starting on July 6, we're going to be doing a new topic. And that is going to be daughtering, the invisible labor of daughters in dysfunctional families. So if you're an eldest daughter, an only daughter in a family, an only child, we would love to have you join us this month. You can join Calling Home at Callinghome.com. And we will link that in the show notes as well. you all there and I'll see you again on Tuesday for another episode. The Calling Home podcast

is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.