CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - The Power of Apologizing: How to Repair When You React

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

This episode is about repair, not perfection. You will learn: Why we react in ways we don't want to Why self-compassion is crucial for repair How to repair (with exact steps) May at Calling Home - Grieving Complicated Relationships: https://callinghome.co/grieving-complicated-relationships Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Order Whitney's book, Toxic Positivity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you're with Amex Platinum, you get access to exclusive dining experiences and an annual travel credit. So the best tapas in town might be in a new town altogether. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca. www.ca slash yamex. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Calling Home Podcast.

I'm your host, Whitney Goodman. I'm here solo today to talk about the power of repair. We are wrapping up a full month at Calling Home about parenting after childhood trauma, and we have been talking so much in our groups this month about how to apologize, how to admit when you're wrong, how to disrupt cycles. of not being able to share how you feel about things within a family. And I have learned so much from the people in our groups at the Family Cycle Breakers Club this month because they've all given me such great examples of ways that they are speaking to their children

in a calmer, more compassionate tone in the ways that they're inviting them to share how they feel about their parenting or to be how they feel about being in that family. And so I wanted to record an entire episode about the power of repair. And so I want you to take a moment and imagine that you just yelled at your child. You said something that you swore you'd never say. They're crying. They've run to their room and slam the door. They told you that they hate you.

And you are sitting in the aftermath. you are flooded with guilt and shame and embarrassment and you are so upset with yourself for doing the things that you swore you never would do. What do you do next? Let's talk about that today. And this episode I want you to know is about repair, not about perfection. And it is about the very important belief that you can change even if you've repeated patterns from your past. Let's talk about why these moments even happen, because I think as parents, myself included, we can be so committed to being a certain type of parent and still mess up. And a lot of times this happens in spite of our very, very good intentions, right? We're in a moment and we suddenly get

triggered and your nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze, you start having flashbacks that feel like what you're experiencing is happening now, but it's really about a past incident that's being triggered in you. And when that happens, you almost step out of your body and you start overreacting to small things that don't even really bother you when you think about them rationally or you start acting like your parent or the person that you really don't want to be and you're mimicking their tone, their words or their behavior. And then you have this like really overwhelming or disproportionate shame or guilt after the fact. And when you are reacting to something in the present because of the past, it can be so overwhelming and confusing because when

you think about it logically and rationally, you're like, why was that so upsetting to me? That doesn't make sense. But if you actually go into like what you're feeling in your body and the memories and ask yourself, is there a time that I felt like this before? What does this remind me of? Then it becomes a lot clearer. And we often hurt the people closest to us when we are reacting from a place of trauma or hurt in the past. And we can do this with our own children and it's going to happen. The more you heal this stuff and the more you work on separating yourself from what happened to you and how your dysfunctional family always behaved, the less likely it will happen and probably the less extreme, but it is still going to happen.

And that's why I want you to understand the skill of repair rather than focusing on achieving perfection. Shame is a big component of why people get stuck in this cycle and why they keep doing the things that they didn't want to do or that they don't want to keep doing. And that is because shame really is a block. It gets in the way of repairing. When you have an incident, like the one that I just described at the beginning of this episode, where you act in a way that you did not want to act, you're reminding yourself of someone you don't like, you're doing everything you said you never would, you might start saying things to yourself like, I'm just like my parent, I'm such a bad parent, I'm terrible, my kid

hates me, they'll never love me, they're going to cut me off. I can't believe I did that. I'm a failure. I am so embarrassed about the type of parent that I am. Like, you know these thoughts when they come up. And there is a really big difference between shame and accountability. So shame is you trying to really inflict pain on yourself, calling yourself bad, making yourself your behaviors, and pigeonholing yourself in that identity. I. did X, so I am bad, I am wrong, I am unlovable. Whenever you're putting any of these negative words with I am, you're trying to make the claim that that is something accurate, true, verifiable, and not malleable about yourself. Accountability, on the other hand, is when we

separate ourselves from our behaviors and we recognize that change is possible. So if I yell at my child and I call them names and I am cruel to them. I shouldn't say to myself, I'm a wonderful mom. It's okay that I did that. I'm great. It doesn't matter that I did that. They know that I'm great. No, that would not be the right opposite to toxic shame. Instead, we want to use accountability. Take ownership of the behavior. I yelled, I was cruel. That hurt my child. I do not want to be a parent that utilizes cruelty, contempt, criticizing, and yelling in moments where I am trying to teach my child and be a parent. I want to be the type of parent that is able to stay calm, regulated, take responsibility for their actions, and teach my child, actually teach

them the things that I want them to learn. I should not have done what I did. I am a good parent, I am still lovable, I am able to repair, and I made a mistake. So accountability allows you to take responsibility for what you did, to own your role in fixing it, and to still hold yourself in positive regard, and acknowledge that you are a person that makes mistakes and that is still worthy of love and redemption and all of those other great things. So instead of saying, I am bad, I am the mistake, you're going to move into a place of accountability where you're saying, I am a good parent who made a mistake, I can repair, I can try again, and I can do differently.

We need to make sure that the positive reinforcement is there and that it is paired with repair, accountability, and recognition. We don't want to override ourselves in shame when we make a mistake and only have shame. We also don't want to override ourselves when we've made a mistake with positivity that does not allow us to see our blind spots. The white chocolate macadamia cream cold brew from Starbucks is made just the way you like it. Handcrafted cold foam topped with toasted cookie crumble. It's a sweet summer twist on iced coffee. Your cold brew is ready at Starbucks. Let's talk about the steps that you can take when you need to repair.

Okay. So let's go back to that example that I gave where you've just yelled, said something cruel, your kids run away, they're in their room, they slam the door, they hate you, and they're crying. I want you in this moment to pause and to regulate. You need to take some deep breaths. You need to get yourself in a place where your body is calmer, where you're not shaking, overrun with anger, and so frustrated that you're not going to be able to think clearly. Repair, requires regulation, okay? And this is why a lot of people can't get to the stage of repair because they cannot regulate to get there. So do what you need to do. I know it can feel like

they're upset. I'm upset. I need to fix this as fast as possible. But this step is so important because you need to pause before you try to jump in or you're not going to do it the right way. okay when you are calm and you feel like you are regulated enough to move to the next step you are going to own what you did without defensiveness so i am sorry for blank i'm sorry that i yelled at you i should not have done that i am sorry for how i spoke to you i do not want to treat you that way. Avoid over explaining. Try not to say, I only did that because X. Just take this as a moment where you are going to acknowledge the behavior that you did not want to engage in and call it out for what it was. Then you can acknowledge the impact. I know that must have been scary.

That must have been hurtful. You did not. deserve that. You do not deserve to be yelled at. I understand why that would upset you. Okay. Then you can acknowledge the pattern or what has led you to this. Okay. And one of our group members brought up a great example of this that you can tell a story even to your child from your own childhood. And you can say something like my mom or my dad. or I had a teacher who used to yell at me a lot when I was growing up. And I promised myself that I wouldn't do that. And I'm really working hard to be different.

And I hope you can understand that sometimes I mess up and I don't want to do that to you. You can talk about a time where you were scared or overwhelmed or confused and what you wish someone would have done for you at that age, you can talk about how you're really tired and frustrated and you just kind of snapped and it's not your child's fault. And I think it's very important here when you're talking about those kind of scenarios to make sure that they understand that those are not excuses. But they are explanations so that your child can separate your behavior from their self-worth and not take the blame for why you reacted that way. Then you're going to try to reassure that there is still a solid connection between the two of you and that they are

safe. So reiterate here that that behavior is not okay. You love them and you are trying to learn and do better. You can give a hug at this point. You can give a hug at this point. You You can ask what else they need from you. You can really try to make sure that they are regulated and that they understand what you've been saying. So even going back and asking if they have any questions, then you're going to commit to change, okay? You can ask them, how would you like that to go differently next time?

And you can also say, here's what I'm going to try to do next time I feel like that. I'm going to tell you that I need space or a break. I'm going to walk away. I'm going to try not to yell. I am going to ask you what you mean before I react. Okay. And you can ask them, like, how would you like that to go next time and see what they have to say? And maybe you can problem solve together depending on the age of your child. And I also want to say that this step-by-step guide, you really can use also in friendships and partnerships in any relationship where you feel like you may have done something that you didn't want to do and were reacting based on your past and not the present or where you messed up. After you have repaired with your child or with the other

person, it is so important that you also repair with yourself. And you need to make sure that that shame does not become so loud and overtakes you to the point that you're not able to actually do better and repair. So this is something that you can do in therapy. This is a great thing to do in our groups at Calling Home. And I think that was something really powerful this month was that a lot of the parents were able to share moments where they felt like they messed up and what they did instead and also see kind of in this community that there's all these parents that are doing things that they don't want to do or acting in ways that they didn't really want to and that they're repairing and working and trying to do better and that it's not just you.

And that's one of the things that I love about our groups is that people are able to see that. And so remember that you can forgive yourself without excusing your behavior. You can choose to say, I messed up, I still get to be a good parent or partner or friend, and I am choosing to do better next time. And this is a great thing to process, you know, in your own therapy or if you like to journal or even talking about this with your partner as well. Reacting from a place of trauma or past experiences or childhood neglect or abuse is common, especially as people work to break cycles. And children are inherently triggering in a lot of ways.

They are noisy. They are dysregulated. They need a lot of attention. They tend to highlight the things in us that we have not fixed or worked on. And so your kid is going to trigger you. And our partners are going to do the same. and even our bosses and co-workers. And so I want you to remember that if that's happening to you, you are not a failure.

Apologies and accountability are the most powerful tools in breaking generational cycles. They are the two things that I have seen make the biggest changes in the work that I've done with families. And the way that you separate yourself from the people that came, before you who did not repair is by saying, I am choosing to do the work that it takes to repair, to create safety, to be accountable, and to feel really good and solid and aligned with my goals and my performance as a parent, as a partner, as a friend. If you have any other parents or adults in your life that you think need to hear this message who need to hear the power of self-forgiveness, accountability, repair, and apologies,

please share this episode with them. I think that this step-by-step guide is something that you can use in all of your relationships and it really can go a long way. If you would like to meet other people like you who are going through, this same thing and working on these issues. We would love to have you in one of our groups at Calling Home. As a member of the Family Cycle Breakers Club, you get unlimited access to support groups, and you are really able to work through some of these things in real time with other people who are parenting and who are working through these issues in their own

relationships. Next month, inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club, we will be talking about grieving complicated family relationships. So if you are grieving someone who is still alive or you've had someone in your family pass away that you had a complicated relationship with, this is the topic for you. You can join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at callinghome.com. And I will link all of the information in the show notes as well. Thank you so much for joining me for this episode. I hope that it was helpful. And I will be back on Thursday with two more caller questions. Thanks, everyone. Bye. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services.

It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Home or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below. I don't know.