CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - The Truth About IFS: Analyzing the New York Magazine Article "The Therapy That Can Break You"

Episode Date: November 13, 2025

Whitney unpacks a recent article from New York Magazine: “The Therapy That Can Break You” about Internal Family Systems (IFS) and what can go wrong when trauma treatment crosses ethical lines. She discusses the dangers of working with fragile populations without proper training, and what to watch for when working with different therapeutic modalities. She then answers two listener questions about navigating estrangement as the family scapegoat and balancing support for a depressed parent without losing yourself. Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles. Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466 Join the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠ Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft ⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic Positivity Learn more about ad choices. Visit podcast.choices.com/adchoices This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. 01:06 Introduction to IFS therapy and The Cut article 02:49 What went wrong at Castlewood Treatment Center 09:52 Believing victims and the reality of false memories 18:08 The need for stabilization when working with trauma 25:51 Listener question 1: Navigating estrangement as the family scapegoat 31:32 Listener question 2: Supporting a depressed parent without losing yourself Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Before listening to this episode, I wanted to pop in to let you know that there are discussions of childhood sexual abuse, sexual trauma, and suicidality in this episode. While I do not give big details or tell major stories about these things, they will be mentioned. So please take note of that if this is not something that you would like to listen to today or at this moment and choose what is right for you. Hey everyone. Welcome back to the Calling on Podcast. I am your host, Whitney Goodman. I am excited to be back today. We've got a Q&A episode today with two-collar questions and I'm also going to be talking about some other stuff. I do want to give you fair warning. I am six months pregnant and I'm going to sound sounding a little bit raspy and maybe getting out of breath sometimes. So just bear with me. I promise I am trying my hardest. to eliminate the heavy breathing and vocal fry that sometimes comes with this stage of life. All right. Let's go ahead and dive in. So today we're going to be talking about a therapy model

that is everywhere right now. Internal family systems or IFS. And you've probably seen it on TikTok. Maybe you've talked about it with your therapist or you've done it. And I've used IFS. I am not formally trained in the modality, but I have read the books, no bad parts. I have worked with an IFS therapist personally in my own therapy, and I've used facets of this therapy in my own work and certainly in the content that I create for calling home. And if you're unfamiliar with IFS, it's basically this theoretical orientation or type of therapy that invites us to meet the different parts of ourselves with compassion and curiosity. But you may have seen this recent article in the cut, or maybe it's only been everywhere,

like, because I follow a bunch of therapists. Some friends sent it to me, and I've been seeing it pop up a lot, so I wanted to talk about it here. And it was called The Truth About IFS Therapy. And this raises some important questions about how this approach and other approaches can go wrong, especially when used without proper training or when trauma work isn't done safely. In this article, they share some stories, and I'm going to share some with you, from patients who say they were harmed by therapists who took this idea of parts work too far, particularly

at a specific treatment center for eating disorders. And these patients, former patients, are alleging that there was a lot of like blurring of reality, encouraging false memories, and even isolating clients from their families. There's also some highlights in the article from different clinicians about how doing this like parts work too quickly with certain people can leave an already fragile client more confused and destabilized. So today I want to unpack what responsible trauma treatment actually looks like? What can go wrong when the therapy crosses some of these ethical lines and how to know if your therapist's approach is helping you heal or making you doubt your own reality? I have a lot of concerns about the way that trauma healing has really been

capitalized on as of late, on social media and in wellness culture. And it's, seems that we have taken really what is the most extreme, misunderstood, fragile, and difficult population to work with, and made it this thing that, like, everybody is doing. Everybody is working with trauma. Everyone is trauma-informed. You know, you're seeing, like, massage therapists and energy healers and all these people, and it's not that that stuff is wrong or bad. But if you don't have a fundamental understanding of the, you know, the damage that you can do to people with some of these techniques. And if you don't know what to look out for or how to take a, you know, reliable and reputable patient history and you don't

have enough assessment and overview of your care, you don't have enough experience to spot things going wrong, things can go really, really badly. And I think that we have to have a little bit more discretion, be a little bit more informed about who we go to with the most delicate and fragile parts of ourselves because of how wrong it can go in these moments. After this, we are going to look at two listener questions that connect deeply to these themes. So one is from a listener that is trying to navigate estrangement and sibling dynamics after years of being the family scapegoat. And another is from someone who's being pulled back into the role of emotional caretaker for a depressed parent. And I think both of these are great examples of what happens

when boundaries responsibility and emotions really get tangled up together in both therapy and in family. Let's go ahead and dive in. First, I want to talk a little bit more about this article in the cut. So there is a University of Denver psychologist and an eating disorder specialist Lisa Brownstone that wrote a report raising some questions about the risks of IFS. And Brownstone really had become alarmed after multiple patients appeared to be disorganized and confused by treatments they had received from other providers that were IFS or IFS informed, which I would say is kind of what I have used, more of that informed type in my own work. And the process of splitting apart and having them speak from different perspectives within

themselves can start to make it even less clear what their reality is. There was this treatment center called Castlewood. And four former patients, I think since 2011, have sued the center and its co-founder and co-director. And one of the people in this lawsuit claimed that she was taken advantage of, she was medicated, and she was emotionally distressed. And when she was taken advantage of in this state, she was made to believe that she'd been repeatedly raped. and was once part of a satanic cult and that he convinced her to become increasingly isolated from her friends and family by implicating them in the crimes that were being alleged that she participated in and that were done to her.

And she even said that she recovered memories of participating in a cult that ate babies. I mean, this was like really, really intense stuff. There was another person in this suit that claimed that the therapist conjured memories of sexual abuse at the hands of family members and classmates. And another person said that she too was led to falsely accuse relatives of sexual abuse. This is a huge issue, right? And this is something that I come up against a lot, is that as therapists, I think, you know, we know that people are rarely lying about things like this when they talk about them and when they come to therapy. And we know that when people are particularly in an eating disorder treatment setting or an

addiction treatment setting, we're talking about people who are isolated away from their families. they might be malnourished and dealing with things like medical issues and imbalances in their body, they are confused, disoriented, they are emotional, and they are extremely fragile and susceptible to different ideas. And I think that people in these situations are also often very desperate for relief. And so when you are struggling and you cannot figure out why you are engaging in all of these things that are destroying your life and why you're in so much pain and you're hurting. And someone sort of offers this to you on a silver platter and says,

hey, maybe it's this. These are the things that you went through. This is why you're acting this way. And you walk down that path and suddenly it sounds plausible. It can be very, very dangerous. And I know this is a highly contested issue. And I know as a therapist, like, I am much more prone to believing victims always, right? And as we go further in this article, you will see that there are some discrepancies between what the parents say happened and what their adult children are saying happened. And I don't believe that for the vast majority of people, there is much incentive to lying about these things or making them up.

And I do believe that we have a lot of information on the power. of suggestion and talking about certain things with people who are extremely fragile and not functioning well. And so there's a very big difference, I think, between a person who is otherwise stable functioning, but they have some symptoms or some relationship difficulties coming into therapy and saying, I was abused, and a person who is completely non-functional, not maintaining any activities of daily living, they're having to be put in a facility, they are really struggling to understand what's happening to them, and they're also having a lot of physical ailments,

and those people being told by a therapist or another practitioner to explore certain areas and kind of being walked on that path. These are two totally different things. And I will always say this that I think it's wrong and unethical for any therapist to walk around the world's believing and promoting that all therapists are ethical and wonderful and great. There are some bad eggs as there are bad lawyers, bad doctors, bad nurses, et cetera, right? Is it the norm and the standard? Is it something that we should, you know, be so afraid of that it's everywhere? I don't think so, but it exists, right? And these stories, they do matter.

Now, something that they do talk about in this article is how Schwartz, who is the founder, the creator of IFS, talks about treating the different parts of ourselves with kindness and curiosity rather than judgment. And this is a foundational therapeutic principle really across a lot of different modalities and has been for over a century. And it's something that I really like to use from IFS in my work is like, okay, especially with talking about parentification, which we're working on in November at Calling Home, of thinking about, okay, there's this adult rooted part of yourself. And there's also this little kid version of yourself that really wants to be taking. care of and wants to relax and how can we look at those different parts without judgment and

with curiosity and with kindness. And I think that is a wonderful component of IFS that I have seen be really transformative for myself and for other people. Now, I think this is where this article is kind of conflating the issues with IFS and the issues with an abusive therapist. I feel like that is more what this article is about, is about how any modality I think from EMDR to IFS to psychoanalysis in the hands of someone that wants to do harm can be harmful, especially to the most vulnerable populations like the one that was attending this treatment center. So the co-founder of this center that I spoke about earlier,

he was known to do some weird stuff, right? He decorated his office with what one person described as like phallic structures. And he was constantly, you know, inserting sexual innuendo into conversation and would encourage the patients in groups to recount very traumatic and graphic stories, which I have been running different types of groups for 10 years with patients who have cancer, addiction issues, estrangement, emotionally immature parents. I'm very well versed in the group world. And this is something that in my early years of being a therapist, I was really trained to avoid these in-depth, overly descriptive sort of trauma histories. being shared in a group setting because it's often not very productive and it can be handled

in a very different way, right? And this is something I feel passionately about it, our groups at Calling Home, that you can, of course, share your story, but your story is also sacred to you and important and you don't need to prove yourself and you certainly don't need to sell your story and I think that part of being in a group is also understanding and learning to understand how our story impacts others, how much space can be held in that group for that story, and what is more productive and maybe better to work on one-on-one with a therapist. And so I find it, again, odd and predatory that a therapist might have been encouraging these people to become overly detailed and descriptive in their narrative.

and a former patient talks about, you know, how they would be really instructed to, like, journal and write about these fantasies and very detailed trauma histories and all of that and read them to the therapist, which is kind of a red flag as well. Then, you know, there ends up being sometimes, I think, this competitive nature, which I ran into a lot when I worked in a residential addiction treatment setting that when people start sharing stories like this, it almost turns into a one-uping contest sometimes in certain groups of like, oh, well, you think that was bad, wait till you hear my story. And this can be a different dynamic that comes up that is not always productive, right? So something to think about as well

for any of you that are doing groups is like, how does it make you feel to hear these other types of narratives? Does it help you feel less alone and connected and more normal? And like you have camaraderie with these people? Or does it make you feel like you want to be the sickest person in the room and that you want to compete with them? And that the therapist is almost encouraging that competition among group members. That's a red flag as well. There was also, you know, some narratives from former patients that the therapist would sort of encourage the patients at this facility to come up with names and identities for their parts, which is not something that I have ever done in my work or that has ever been done when I was in the client seat, working

with a therapist that uses IFS. So saying things like, if you have a part named Jane, does this part Jane have a favorite food? Does this part have a favorite color? Does this part talk differently? And sort of having the person, instead of seeing them as all parts of them, which is typically what I have done, seeing them as these very distinct voices and entities, which again can be very dangerous with someone who does not have a secure sense of self in that moment and who is maybe not functioning well and is very vulnerable. I think one of the most important things that Brownstone said, who is one of the critics of this that I brought up earlier, is that she says if someone needs to learn how to eat,

this is not the time for them to talk to their child self. And she goes on to say there are some providers out there who just love treating trauma. They find it fascinating. But your interest in trauma should not be the driving force of your therapy right now. Your client needs stabilization. And if there's anything you take away from this episode, I want it to be this when you think about therapy. You cannot do this deep trauma work safely without being stabilized.

it is not going to work. It is not going to be helpful. And in fact, it could be a lot more traumatizing and debilitating to try to do all of this processing when you are not functioning. If someone is not eating, they're malnourished, they're underweight, they're dehydrated, you know, they're not sleeping, they've been separated from their family, they're in a new facility, that is not the time to start digging through your past for the worst things that ever happened to you and start getting into them. I have stopped doing EMDR work with a lot of clients in the past because they had health issues that were becoming more debilitating. They were going through a very stressful period in their life, like a divorce or one of their

kids was sick and they were not in a place where they had enough space to contain the work that we were doing. And I think that sometimes we think, like, if I can just work through this trauma, everything will get better. But I firmly believe that trauma work, real trauma work also requires some level of stability. And if you are working with a therapist on PTSD, childhood trauma, things like that, the first goal should be stabilization and also ruling out any other causes for this issue, making sure that you've had blood work done. You've been to a doctor. You've ruled out that anything else is contributing to these symptoms. And when we're talking about eating disorders, which have an extremely high rate of fatality, that stabilization

is of utmost importance. And I really think that's what Brownstone is referring to here, and I want you to think about that when you are considering, you know, going deeper into your trauma and how that's going to affect you. At the heart of this article is a story that I think is really about family relationships. And there is a former patient who spoke to the reporter for this article about her history with her father. She ultimately came to the Treatment Center and reports that she remembered now that she was sexually abused as a child. And the father was, you know, there was a court case, there was a hearing. He was ultimately cleared of any of these allegations. It did not move forward. I guess that a lot of her story was not corroborated. And when she

was in the courtroom. There was some unusual behavior that didn't really make sense. And it is so hard for us to piece apart these stories. And then when I read this, I really read this from the lens of like no judgment and no decision on my part. There is no way for me to tell who is telling the truth here, what happened, what didn't. But this is more about how, difficult it is when someone in your family is not doing well and how desperate you can be for answers. And sometimes when you go looking for those answers, it doesn't always work. It doesn't get better. You have different versions of what you think should be happening. And it's very challenging. And this reporter met with this person on Zoom. And she really stands by the

accusations against her father and says that she has no intention of reconciling with him. And she feels that the therapist that she worked with saved her life and that this was the right decision for her. The father maintains that his love for his daughter is unconditional and forever and that he hopes to reunite with her someday. And obviously these two, you know, family members, adults, child, and parent have completely different versions of the past and desires for the future. And I have said this before that like it's very uncommon for abusive parents or parents who engaged in child sexual abuse to admit it. And it's uncommon for adults to make these things up about their childhood and about their parents.

And we have people who are in a very fragile state potentially interacting with therapists, untrained people, people in their orbit who are trying to help them get better, but are actually predatory and abusive and not doing the right thing. And we also have therapists that are really helping these adults who were abused or were harmed and whose parents say they did not do that. this is the tricky part about all of this is that you never know what happened behind closed doors inside of a family's home. And it's very hard to know what was actually happening in the therapy other than what the patient and the therapist report. And this treatment center obviously had some things going on that were not above board, that were not clinically sound. that were not the way that these things should be handled, and there were a lot of people who complained about it. And so I share this story and this article not to scare you or to make you think that

this is happening in like droves everywhere, but so that you can be informed about what these types of red flags look like, what you might want to be aware of and careful of, and And also to let you know that, like, you need to be discerning about who you go to in these situations for help and care and that it can be a very fragile position to be in. I still believe that there are components of IFS, I think, that are very valuable and that can be utilized with the right patients under the right circumstances. have seen that be very successful, but I think at the core of all of this is an understanding about when certain types of trauma work are to be done and under what conditions and how

stable someone needs to be before we start doing these things. And also that there needs to be a certain level of oversight when these types of therapies and practices are being conducted with people who are isolated away from the system that may often keep them safe and they are in this extremely fragile position. If you would like to read that article, you can find it on the cut and the title is the therapy that can break you. All right, let's go ahead and get to that first caller question. This was a question that was emailed to me. So I am going to read it to you and then I will give you my answer. Hi, Whitney. I've just listened to your podcast from last week about whether therapists are encouraging estrangement, which side note, go listen to that episode

if you haven't already. I worked so hard on that episode, and I really think it's a good listen for anyone that has that question. I found it so helpful and insightful. I'm currently a year into my estrangement from both parents and have two siblings, both of whom have said they aren't taking anything to do with it and want to have a separate relationship with myself and my parents. However, it's recently transpired. This isn't the case. And they have taken a side and I've been left with the blame. My question is, how can I navigate this situation? Because for me, estrangement has been a last resort after years of trying to foster a healthy relationship with my family, despite being the scapego. I want a relationship with my siblings.

I just want them to hear me and respect my side without it resulting in me getting hurt or blamed. They think my parents get a free pass because they're my parents. No accountability needed. it's damaging to me and I have to protect myself and my child from this but I'm struggling to have a conversation with them without resorting to them screaming at me. I know you look at questions from listeners and I hope you might take a look at mine if you can. Thanks. Absolutely. Thank you for this question. Okay. So what you want from your siblings is totally justified and I think it's what everyone wants from their siblings to some degree, right? You want them to hear you and respect to your side without getting hurt or blamed. It doesn't sound like from what you've

told me here that your parents or sorry, your siblings are capable of giving that to you. It seems like they tried like avoidance or removing themselves first, maybe saying I'm not going to take a side and I don't want anything to do with it. I'm going to have separate relationships. Okay. And maybe that didn't work. And I don't know. why that didn't work. Part of me thinks maybe something to do with the parents if that's kind of where they decided to put their allegiance after the fact, but I don't know. With siblings, I think sometimes we have to step back and understand that everybody has reasons for doing what they're doing. And a lot of those reasons are out of self-protection and trying to

protect that bond with the parent. Because even in adulthood, we do that. And I don't know what your sibling's relationship is with your parent, but it's possible that they feel and have felt like they have to side with your parent. They have to maintain a connection with them. Like it just feels too scary or fragile to do otherwise. And what's very unfortunate about that is that you end up becoming collateral damage in that. And it feels like they don't see your side. They don't understand. They don't want to understand. And I imagine that that feels very isolating and lonely. And I get that. But if you can't have a conversation with them about this without them screaming at you, I think that might be your answer at their level of capacity to understand you.

because they can't hear you without becoming so activated that they start yelling at you. And until that changes, it's very unlikely that the two of you or the three of you are going to find some common ground. And I'm curious about why they're doing what they're doing if they would be able to discuss that with you or even explain kind of their perspective. But I feel like the main path to peace for you here is an acceptance of why your sibling is doing what they're doing, what they're getting out of this choice, which is maintaining proximity to your parent, even if it's dysfunctional, grieving the feelings that you have associated with this of like, I've been cast aside. I'm alone. I'm isolated. Now I don't have relationships

with anyone. And it feels like they're all over here and I'm over here and I'm the one to blame. And this acceptance and realization that like your sibling does not have a large capacity to be emotionally attuned, understanding or conscientious of other people's feelings. And it's very hard to be heard by someone who cannot do that. And so can you hear yourself? Can you find spaces, you know, like we have support groups at calling home or maybe in your own therapy where you are able to get that feedback and that reassurance. And I think maybe surrender momentarily, at least for now, to the fact that your sibling may not be able to provide you with that. And that they also have their own wounds and pain and motivations for seeking out what they are seeking in your

parent. I know that's not easy. Thank you so much for sending in this question. And I really hope that helps you and anyone else that's dealing with this. Caller question number two was also sent to me via email. And just a reminder, you can always email me a voice note or your question in writing to Whitney at callinghome.com.co. And I'm going to read that question to you now. I'm reaching out to get advice on how to handle my current situation with my mom. She's in her 60s, retired, and lives alone. She and my dad split when I was 12.

I'm 29 now. And her entire life, she struggled with her mental health and never built strong friendships or a support system. Recently, she moved into a one-level house to be more comfortable as she ages, which I think was a good decision. Since the move, her depression has worsened, and she frequently expresses suicidal thoughts, saying things like, the only reason I haven't blank myself is because of my dog. I've spoken to my therapist about the situation who has provided crisis resources, and we have been working on maintaining my boundaries, but I'm feeling increasingly frustrated as the months have gone on.

my mom has no other support system outside of me and one of my brothers. Our other brother has a very limited relationship with her and previously was no contact. This leaves me feeling pressure to be her sole emotional support, which is taking a toll on me. And I keep encouraging her to reach back out to a therapist now that she is a little bit settled in her new house, and I hope she does so. I feel guilted into doing more when she speaks about suicide or catastrophizes her situation. But I also don't want to over-extend myself or fall back into the role of being her emotional caretaker, which I did during my teenage years post-divorce. She doesn't understand how hard it was for me in high school, and the realization of that is making me even more resentful and angry about

the current situation. I am also the youngest, but the expectation of being the family manager about birthdays, holidays, communication has been placed on me since that time as well, and I feel myself falling back into the role since I know she's not okay. Even though in recent years, I felt like I had made better boundaries around that. How can I balance supporting her without feeling guilty or overwhelmed? And how do I set boundaries without feeling like I'm abandoning her? The first thing I want to say here is that it is incredibly difficult to be conditioned and groomed to take on this role. And it is very hard to have a parent that struggles with their mental health and goes through long periods of,

depression and has intermittent or, you know, consistent suicidality. That is very stressful, overwhelming, and can really lead to a lot of instability in your own life and consistent fear about crisis management and what's going to happen. And you likely just have this undercurrent of worry that is running through you at all times. This is a very hard thing for family members to do. And you kind of have to come to this place of like, I cannot be their sole protector. And there are people who have very loving, very involved, supportive and protective family members who still sometimes take their own lives. And if you could prevent this 100% on your own, we could talk about what that looks

like, but I don't know that that's entirely possible. And it sounds like you have been doing this role and trying to provide protection to her for a long time. This also completely flips your relationship because now you are in the position of being more of a parent to your mother. You are protecting her, trying to keep her safe, trying to meet her needs, making sure she's okay, maybe managing her health care. And while this is something that does happen as parents age and as their health begins to decline, you've been doing this since you were a teenager or a child without a lot of assistance. And if your parents are divorced, that often historically, you know, through the research that we see, shows that that can put

even more of that burden on you to be that caretaker. So when I know that a family member has the potential to end their own life, I don't think that it's wise to say, okay, just, you know, leave them. Don't do anything for them because you obviously care about your mother. It's more about how can I keep them safe and protected without also destroying myself and how much can I actually give productively that is going to be helpful to my mother under these circumstances because sometimes we give so much and then we actually stop being helpful and we are harming ourselves and them at the same time because our help is no longer help. It's like we're just enabling and meddling and repeating old patterns and it's not working.

So are there systems that can be put in place that take some of this weight off of you? I think, you know, sometimes if your parent is actually saying they are going to harm themselves, okay, then I'm going to call 911 for you and the paramedics are going to come and they're going to evaluate you. you need to talk about this with your therapist. It is so hard to assess, and this is the difficult thing about these situations, and we talked about this last month when we were talking about health issues at Calling Home, when someone is truly intending to do something and when they're saying it to you in a way to achieve closeness or connection or get you to do something. And I believe

that all people who say these types of things who make these threats are in pain. They're looking to get needs met. They need something and they're at risk and they're not doing well. It's not that they're evil and manipulative, but you have a lot of difficulty assessing the actual level of risk. And there's probably a lot of times where this person has said this because they don't know how to get their needs met otherwise, that you feel like they always say this and then they don't do it, or you're scared that this is going to actually be the time that it happens. And it's so destabilizing. And so I think sometimes when we're talking about your final question here about how do I balance supporting her without feeling

guilty. It's about really getting clear on what is my role here as her child. What is my responsibility? What can I adequately provide to this person while still keeping my head above water? And when you have family members that are sick, that are struggling, like you will have ambivalent feelings about this. You will feel resentful and you will feel like you want to help. You will feel overwhelmed and feel happy that you are able to provide them with some assistance. You will want to help them stay alive and meet their needs and you will also maybe wish that that wasn't your burden. And so I want you, anyone dealing with this to kind of try to operate from this place of like, I'm not going to feel only one thing about this. I'm not going to get to this

place where I just feel like secure and like I'm doing the right thing. It's probably always going to come with some other feelings. And so how can I create this balance where I'm able to say this is what I can provide. And I know that if things escalate, I'm going to call on this service. I'm going to call on this person. I'm going to do this to try to keep my mom safe. And I cannot control what my mom does and how she lives her life in the way she cares for herself. If she chooses not to go to therapy, not to care for herself, not to access these resources, I cannot force her. And that is one of the hardest things about living with someone and loving someone that is struggling in these ways. Because there's always going to be a part of you

that feels like you didn't do enough. Like you're guilty. Like it was your fault. You're responsible. And part of that is conditioning of growing up in a family system where you were made to feel that way. And I think that's also just part of lovings and caring about someone who isn't well. It's very, very hard. And so to this caller or to anyone in this position, I think like, again, you're probably going to feel some guilt. You're going to feel some confusing mixture of feelings. And to me, this is more about, like, how can I create a system where I can at least contain this and have some functionality in my life and give to the point that feels right for me. Because there's always going to be some level of inconvenience, some level of fear and all

of that when we are connected to people who are imperfect. And that's life to some degree. But on the flip side of that is the absolute destruction of yourself because you are giving everything to this person who is not helping themselves at all and not caring for themselves. And then you have to look at what does this do to everything else I care about in my life, which might be your marriage, your children, your work. There are other things that are part of your community and your village. that also suffer when we are completely sacrificing ourselves for the well-being of others.

There's no easy answer to this. I have never met a single person, myself included, that have struck the perfect balance here. I think it's more about getting to a place that you can live with and that feels right for you. and that if something were to happen, you could say, I know I did my best. I know I did what I was supposed to do, what I could do, and this is what I felt empowered and able to do in the moment. And I think that your siblings who are not helping and not stepping in, like, for their own reasons, they have to get to that place too.

And for them, that might mean they do nothing. and that's what they felt like they could do. It's very difficult. Thank you so much for sending me that question. I want to thank you all so much for listening today. I know we covered some deeper themes in this episode. And I want to say if you've been looking into IFS or another trauma-focused therapy, I want to remember that no single model or therapist should ever have you questioning

your own reality or pushing you into things that don't feel true to you. And when you feel that feeling of like, I feel like I'm being forced into something that doesn't feel right to me and that you are able to sense your own reality, it's something to pause and think about. And healing work should leave you feeling more stable, grounded, and connected to your own self. And yes, there will be moments that are really challenging and destabilizing and overwhelming, but it should continuously be helping you to come back to yourself. And if you resonate with any of our listener questions today, maybe you're navigating estrangement or trying to support a struggling parent without losing yourself, we have so many resources for these topics inside the

Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home to help you connect with others. who get it and heal from some of those patterns. You can learn more at callinghome.com or follow me on Instagram at Sit With Wit. I will see you next week and will continue unpacking some of these different family issues and what it means to come home to yourself. Thank you again for listening. Please don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave us a review. I'll see you next week. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice

from a qualified healthcare provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes' terms of service linked in the show notes below.