CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - When Your Parent Denies Your Memories

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

When you bring up a painful memory and your parents say it never happened, it can feel like you're losing your mind. Whitney explains the science behind why parents and children encode the same events differently. But how do you tell the difference between that and a parent who refuses to let your reality exist?Whitney Goodman is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and the founder of Calling Home, a membership community that helps people navigate complex family dynamics and break harmful cycles.Have a question for Whitney? Send a voice memo or email to [e-mail] the Family Cyclebreakers Club⁠⁠Follow Whitney on Instagram | sitwithwhitFollow Whitney on YouTube | @whitneygoodmanlmft⁠⁠Order Whitney’s book, Toxic PositivityThis podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone and welcome back to Calling Home. This is the podcast for adult children navigating difficult, distant, or strange relationships with their parents. And I am so glad you're here. Before we dive in, I want to remind you that you are not alone on this journey. If you're looking for more support, community and resources to help you break family cycles, I'd love for you to join the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Callinghome.co. This is a space where you can come and join other people that are working through exactly what we're talking about in today's episode. Today we are talking about something that comes up constantly in my work with adults who are having a difficult or estranged or distant relationship with their parent. And that is the moment when you bring up a memory from your childhood,

something that left a mark on you and your parent looks at you like you've grown a second head. They say things like, that never happened. I would never do something like that. You're making things up you're being dramatic. Maybe you've even sent them a screenshot, played them a recording, or shown them proof, and they still deny it. They look at the evidence and say, that's not what I said, or you're taking it out of context. And today we're going to talk about why parents and adult children remember the same events so differently. And what to do when your parent demands complete consensus on memories that don't match your lived experience. There's actually some fascinating research on why parents and children don't remember the same events in the same way. And it goes way beyond just not wanting to remember or psychologically motivated forgetting. The truth is, is that for you and your parent, your memories were encoded from fundamentally different positions. You were encoding from dependence and vulnerability and your parent was encoding from authority and control. And when you were five years

old and your parent yelled at you, you were experiencing that from the position of a small dependent child whose survival depends on that parent that's yelling at you. Your amygdala, the part of your brain that detects threat, was on high alert. And that moment or those moments chronically over time, certainly feel like a threat to your safety, your worth, and your sense of security. Of course, getting yelled at a couple of times throughout your childhood won't have that impact, but when there is chronic issues like that, they are going to build up over time and disrupt some of those feelings of safety and security. Your parent, on the other hand, was experiencing that moment from a position of power

and control. So they might remember just giving normal punishment or setting a boundary or teaching you a lesson. They were encoding their intention and their justified authority in that moment. Both memories can be accurate while being fundamentally incompatible with one another. The research on memory between parents and children also shows that parental attachment security, conversational style between parent and child, and emotional availability can predict children's memory accuracy. So if your memories seem fragmented, emotionally intense, or lack specific details, this may be because of how your parent shaped your encoding process through insecure attachment, controlling conversations, or avoidance of discussing negative events, which it's a little bit

ironic then that if they are accusing you of having really inaccurate memories, a lot of that still has to do with the quality of your relationship. And many of you, I'm sure, have heard the phrase the axe forgets what the tree remembers. And so your parent may truly not remember a situation that had a profound impact on you. Not because you're making it up, but because the states that you were in at the time of forming that memory were, completely different. There is also the concept of psychologically motivated forgetting, and this is a protective mechanism that shields us from discomfort. So sometimes people don't remember things because remembering them would bring on feelings of shame, guilt, or other difficult

feelings that we want to avoid. This is a completely normal defense mechanism. We all do this sometimes to some degree. But I think when it happens between parents and their adult children, it can come across as gaslighting, minimizing, or outright denial. And so when your parents says, like, that didn't happen or I never said that, they might actually believe what they're saying. It's not always a manipulation tactic or a lie, right? Sometimes we genuinely don't remember things the way that the other person does. And their brains make. maybe protecting them from the discomfort of remembering themselves as the person who said that hurtful thing or who lost their temper, who wasn't there when you needed them. The memory exists

in a form that protects their self-image and how they see themselves. But just because they don't remember it the way that you do doesn't mean that your memory is invalid or that they are the only one that gets to be the authority on memory. And I think what's really tricky here is when we're talking about some of these types of people who maybe struggle with mental health issues, addiction, emotional immaturity, narcissism, other types of personality disorders. Some people who struggle with these things, some parents will deny reality even when it is right in front of them.

And I know that some of you have probably sent a screenshot, recorded a conversation, only to be told that that's not what was said. And no matter how much proof you have, they will never accept a memory or proof of an incident. And this is so frustrating because at this point, like, we're not even debating whose memory is more accurate. You're looking at objective evidence and it's still being denied. And when this happens, like, I want you to know you're not dealing with a memory issue anymore. You're dealing with someone whose psychological defenses are so strong that they literally cannot let in information that contradicts their self-image. And so I need you to hear this.

This is not your responsibility to fix. You cannot force someone to see a reality if their entire psychological system is built around not seeing. and defending themselves from seeing what is right in front of them. Now, something that happens when adults and their parents are discussing different memories is this thing that I like to call the consensus trap. I think this is one of the biggest hurdles that they face when trying to discuss memories with their difficult, distant, or strange parent. The parent in this situation, when you're having these battles over memories, this type of parent who cannot value or maybe even just to concede to the fact that we had different experiences and we see things

differently, they want complete consensus on the memory that aligns with their perspective. So think about that for a moment. They don't just want you to understand their side. They want you to agree that their version is the only correct version. Anything that deviates from their experience is treated as a threat, something that needs something that needs. to be defended against. And we're not talking about small disagreements here. We're not arguing about how many times you went to Disney in a summer. These are typically big differences in how each of you views the past. And often, there are memories of abuse, neglect, or moments when you felt unsafe, unloved, or unprotected. And parents who do this are often more interested in using the language of

intent rather than addressing impact. So they'll say things like, well, I didn't mean to hurt you or that wasn't my intention, as if their good intentions can erase the impact of what they did or said. And I've talked about this before I talked about this in my book, Toxic Positivity. I don't think it's always like impact over intent. Like obviously our intent matters some, especially in our closest relationships. And it feels different to know someone was purposely trying to hurt you than someone who did it accidentally, right? If we often use the example of like if you step on someone's foot, even if it wasn't your intent, you're still going to apologize. But certainly when we talk about the narrative of that, if I am walking and I see a stranger come up to me and they look

me in the eye and purposefully step on my foot and then say, oh, but I didn't need to hurt you, that's very different than someone who's like distracted and they accidentally trip over my foot and they didn't intend to come up and step on my foot. You know, these are different narratives. And the intent and the impact can be true at the same time. They didn't intend to hurt you and you were hurt. Those two things can coexist, right? So when a parent refuses to move past intent and to acknowledge impact, what they're really saying is like, I don't really care how it hurt you. It shouldn't have hurt you because I didn't want to hurt you and I didn't mean to hurt you. So if you're trying to have conversations about memory with your parent, these are some questions that you can ask yourself to like get some clarity around this. You know, why does your parent need exact consensus on this particular memory? What would happen if they validated your experience without requiring you to agree that theirs is the only valid one. How would that feel? What does it mean that they need you to say their version is correct before they can move forward? How does that impact your relationship? And can you have a relationship with someone who refuses to see your perspective on something so meaningful and important? And I can't answer that last question for you. Only you can decide what is acceptable in your relationships. But I think a relationship where only one person's reality is allowed to exist is not a mutual

relationship. Typically, this is still a hierarchy where it's like, I am the parent, I get to write the narrative, and my truth is the only truth. Now, that being said, of course, there are going to be things from our childhood that we remember in a fundamentally different way from the parent. And I think this is why it's not wise to get caught up in details and the minutia of the memory because we may never agree on that. But some of you are probably asking yourselves, like, should I even have this conversation with my parent? Like, should I explain how I feel to them? And I think it's a sometimes answer depending on the situation. You know, not everyone should discuss their memories with a parent. Many of you have already tried without success. And sometimes,

for you, the best thing you can do is not have this conversation again. But before you decide to discuss the past with your parent, I think you need to ask yourself and get clear on this. Like, how has your parent reacted when you shared childhood memories in the past? Do you feel that you can safely share your feelings without the risk of violence, anger, retribution, punishment? How many times have you tried to solve this or discuss this memory? I also really don't think that it's wise to have this conversation if your parent is currently struggling with addiction or under the influence. They're in the middle of a mental health crisis. You have tried many times and it consistently leads to your destabilization and retramatization

or your parent is currently physically and or emotionally abusive. Now, you might want to pursue this conversation cautiously, but do it if your parent is actively telling you they want to discuss this and they're willing to listen. They can listen and ask questions without becoming abusive. They can take some responsibility without collapsing into shame. And your parent sees you as your own person with your own feelings, memories, and beliefs. A parent doesn't need to be perfect to have these hard conversations. They just need the emotional regulation skills to get through it and the ability to say, I understand that you have this perspective and I have this perspective. And how can we also maybe understand one another, demonstrate some accountability, and find a way

to move forward? And you're the ultimate authority on whether you can have that conversation or not, but those are some criteria that I would look out for. If you do decide to have this conversation, here is what I recommend. First, identify what you want out of this conversation. Do you want validation? Do you want them to listen while you explain things? Do you want an apology? Make sure you can clearly articulate what you're looking for. You need to also know your perspective and feel confident in your thoughts, feelings, and memories. I would write about your experiences or practice explaining them to a trusted friend or therapist first. Then you're going to want to decide on your medium for communication. So in person, in writing, with or without a mediator, and plan the conversation

for when things are calm, not in the heat of the moment. Don't do this like after an argument or drinking or anything like that. Start by describing how this conversation could improve your relationship. So when people know your intentions are positive, they're more likely to listen. You can tell them something like, I want you to understand how this impacted me or I want to have a closer relationship with you. So I'm going to tell you this. Clarify that this was your experience. So I experienced blank, or this is what I was going through.

And label your feelings clearly. I felt blank. This is how it affects me now. You can allow them to, of course, ask respectful, clarifying questions. There is a big difference between, can you tell me more about what you remember? And that never happened. I have no idea why you would say that. The first seeks understanding and the second is just dismissive.

You can also pause this conversation when needed. You don't have to solve everything right now. And if things start to get heated or abusive or too conflictual, stop. If your parent meets all of these attempts with defensiveness, cruelty, abuse, or denial, you may have your answer that they're not in a place where they can hear you and take accountability. If they're curious, they want to listen. They understand that the two of you can have different perspectives. about this and they want to seek understanding, that's great. Before we wrap this up, I just want to say this clearly. The memories don't have to match perfectly to be valid.

There's a lot of emotional truth to your experiences that maybe you felt frightened, humiliated, unsafe, or unloved, and sometimes that gets encoded in ways that we don't fully understand. You're often not debating facts. you're discussing feelings and experiences and your experience can be true even if you don't completely agree on the facts. And that's what needs to happen between you and your parent. If your memories are very fragmented, emotionally intense, or vivid in some areas but foggy and others, that might be precisely because you did endure something traumatic or because of

the relationship you had with your parent, the amount of stability you experienced as a child or what was going on when that memory was encoded. You don't need to continue engaging in this convincing to make people understand that your memory is correct for it to be real or for it to be something that you're working on. And you definitely don't need to keep going back to them for this validation. If they've shown you time and time again, they cannot provide it. I know that this is heavy stuff that we're talking about here. And if this episode, brought up difficult feelings for you. Please reach out to someone, talk to your therapist, take care of yourself. And if you want to connect with others that are going through this and who

understand it, we would love to see you inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club. It's a community of people doing the hard work of healing and breaking harmful patterns. You can join at Callinghome.co. We have therapist-led support groups for estranged adult children, adult children of emotionally immature parents and a lot of resources about differences in memory between you and your parent. And remember, you're not alone in this. And thank you for being here. I will see you for the next episode. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment

relationship between you and Collingholm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Holmes Terms of Service linked in the show notes below.