CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Who Gets To Be In The Delivery Room?

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Starting point is 00:00:37 And today we are going to be diving into a huge social media debate that I have been seeing. And I wanted to tackle it in a solo podcast episode. So let's dive into a question that might make you pause and reflect. So here's the question. When someone is giving birth, who do you think should be in the delivery room? Take a moment to consider your immediate response. Think about what family members should be in attendance, should it just be the spouse, should the person's mother be in the room, what about their mother-in-law?

Starting point is 00:01:18 And this, I was really surprised by this issue because I didn't think like this would be such a debate, but what I have found is that women of the older generation, both mothers and mothers-in-law, some of them seem to feel that they should be included in the birth of their grandchildren. And when I say included, they mean like right there when the baby is coming out. And many of them argue that they should be one of the first to hold the baby and that this is they're right and they're entitled to it. There's a lot of language like that. And I have to say this is kind of unexpected to me. But the internet seems to be overwhelmingly divided on this debate. It appears that young millennial and Gen Z mothers believe that the person giving birth

Starting point is 00:02:13 100% decides who is in the delivery room. And some Gen X and Boomer mothers and mother-in-laws believe that they have a right to be there, especially if they allowed their own family members to be in the delivery room with them. And so that's a really important part of this discourse is that a lot of these women are saying, my mother-in-law was in the room with me. Why wouldn't you do it? Like almost as if like, I don't know, they sacrificed that or they maybe didn't really want to do it, but they just did what was expected of them. And now they think they should get that back. It's a super interesting argument. So I started looking deeper into this and I wanted to see some of the stories that people had related to this. And here are a few stories I saw that

Starting point is 00:03:00 highlight this issue. One person said, my mother-in-law showed up mid-delivery demanding to be let in and let me tell you my nurses were ready to throw down. Another person said, not only did she show up, but she lied to the nurses and told them she was my mother. A mother-in-law at the hospital put up a stink about leaving when it came time for pushing and then popped in twice to make sure we didn't quote unquote forget about her. Another woman told her mom, I didn't want my mother-in-law in the room and got berated for it. So now I don't want either of them in here. This isn't about them. So the mom and the mother-in-law kind of both participating here. Somebody else had my mother-in-law through a huge tantrum while I was in labor and still refuses to speak to my mom because I allowed her,

Starting point is 00:03:46 my own mother in the delivery room. And my mother-in-law cried saying I refused her of having a relationship with my daughter because she wasn't invited in the delivery and I wasn't open to shared feeding. So you can see there's some pretty interesting dynamics and stories happening here. And I want to say, you know, the reality is, of course, that every family is different. Some people don't want the child's father or other parent in the room if that relationship is strained. Others do not want to have their own mothers there and would prefer to have their partner, a friend, or another family member. And some women even choose to give birth by themselves. I've seen a lot of very rigid takes online that are like, only the partner should be in the

Starting point is 00:04:38 room or a mother-in-law should never be there. But I think it's, of course, ultimately, a personal decision that depends on the preferences and dynamics of the person that's giving birth of the other parent, etc. You know, there's a lot of like nuance here. So I want to walk you through some factors to consider when making this decision. And this might be good for parents of adult children who are having kids as well as anyone who is about to give birth or thinking about having kids to kind of think about some of these questions and these norms. So this is the first thing that I think is really important to me is that birth is not a spectator sport. It is a medical procedure and it is extremely vulnerable and you want to have someone that's there to support

Starting point is 00:05:29 you and only you. And I did see this funny video that this girl was like, you know, my mom is upset that she wasn't there for my birth. So I invited her to come to my colonoscopy. And it It is like this is the only like medical thing that we would say, oh, I should have an audience there for this. And I think that's something to think about. Giving birth is also a deeply personal and intimate experience. And it's essential for the expected mother to feel comfortable and supported during labor and delivery. And so some women may feel more relaxed and ease with only their partner or a selected few trusted individuals that are present in the delivery room. And it's really crucial to respect the expectant mother's wishes and prioritize her privacy

Starting point is 00:06:20 and comfort during this vulnerable time. And so thinking about that, if you are a family member of someone that is pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant, going to get birth soon, like really the question you should always come back to is like, how can I make this person most comfortable? This is not about me. it's about them and their safety and their level of comfort. And so how can I be the most supportive? Bank more oncores when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package.

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Starting point is 00:07:20 who is going to be present during childbirth. And we want to make sure that the expectant mother feels empowered to express her preferences and her concerns openly and that she's not going to be met with like a ton of pushback and shaming and arguing because that is what she wants. And so if the person giving birth is uncomfortable with the idea of their mother-in-law being present during childbirth, I think it's important to honor her decision and find other ways for the mother-in-law to offer support and involvement during the birthing process. And that might mean helping care for other children or pets, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of the home, sending things to the hospital,

Starting point is 00:08:11 updating other members of the family. There's so many other ways to be helpful outside of just being in that delivery room, especially if that does not feel helpful to the person who is most vulnerable in that moment. And of course, cultural norms and personal beliefs are going to influence whether or not a certain family member are present during the childbirth. You know, in some cultures, it's customary for extended family members to be present during childbirth or like to offer support and celebrate the arrival of the baby in a specific way. But in other cultures, it's also considered a more private affair. And only immediate family members may be invited to attend. And I really believe, you know, as a therapist and personally, that the mother's comfort

Starting point is 00:09:06 should be prioritized over some of those cultural traditions that may be outdated, harmful. Maybe the women who practiced them before actually did not feel comfortable with that. And it was just put on them and was an expectation. And that's the big generational difference I see here is that some of the women today, regardless really of cultural background, I think just as we've become more aware of mental health and therapy and boundaries and all these things, a lot of these people are much more willing and able to speak out about things that make them uncomfortable or are upsetting to them. And that can be very difficult for a generation of people who were taught that they were not allowed to do that or didn't have the skills to do it. And so I think there's,

Starting point is 00:09:55 is this immediate gut reaction of like, no, that's not how we do things. That's not how it's supposed to be. And that can be super difficult. And so instead of labeling people as selfish or ungrateful or individualistic or not thinking about the family, I think it's important to think about like, what would you maybe have wanted, you know, in those moments where you were so vulnerable and having hard time and did you really want all those people there around you? And if you had been given the choice, what would you have chosen? And if you still would have chosen to have that, how would it have felt to at least have been given the option? You know? And we get to choose, you know, for anyone that's giving birth or is pregnant, we each get to choose what we want. And then other people

Starting point is 00:10:49 get to choose what they want in that moment. And that's kind of just the way it goes. goes. So there are no fixed rules here, but these are some questions that I would work through with anyone you might want to include in the delivery room and kind of asking yourself these questions about anyone that's asking to be there or that you've thought about including. So will this person be helpful? Will they respect me if I ask them to leave? So thinking about like, okay, if you're going to get rushed in for a C-section or something bad's happening or it's getting very stressful if you said to them, hey, I need some space. Would they be able to respect that boundary? Will they respect my specific boundaries about telling people I am in labor and giving

Starting point is 00:11:34 updates, you know, whatever those are? I've heard a lot of unfortunate stories of like an in-law or a mother or, you know, a sister-in-law, whatever, posting a picture of the baby to Facebook before the parents have even been able to announce that the child was born and, you know, feeling that they got robbed of that moment. And so will they be able to respect any boundaries that you set? Do they have a calming presence or will I be managing their moods? You know, as someone who has had kids, I think this is a very important one to think about. Will they respect my medical decisions throughout the process? You know, if you're going to have someone in there that's continuously giving you feedback and opinions and advice, like, is that going to be stressful for you

Starting point is 00:12:23 or will it be helpful? Will I feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of them? You know, you're going to be physically and emotionally vulnerable during this process. And so that's important to consider. Am I doing this for them or am I doing this for me? And this is a complicated question because, of course, we could say, you know, there are situations where you might say, I want my mom to be there. I know of a family where the woman who was giving birth, her mother had cancer and she was, you know, terminal. And so this girl felt like I really want my mom to be in there and I want her to be part of this

Starting point is 00:13:00 moment because I don't know if I'm going to have many more of those moments. And so that was her priority there and that makes sense. I saw a video the other day of a really elderly woman. I think she was in her late 90s who was. there to meet her great-great-granddaughter, you know, immediately after she was born, she was one of the first people to hold her because they didn't know how much longer she was going to be around. And so that was something that these people were doing for themselves and for others. And so there are these situations where there are, of course, exceptions to how this

Starting point is 00:13:37 will be done. But if you have a family member who is yelling at you, telling you, telling you that they should get to be there, that it's their right. If you are allowing them to be there, I would bet that it's because you're trying to manage their reaction and how they're going to treat you and their experience of getting to meet the baby and trying to do like damage control by allowing them to go, not really because it's a meaningful thing for you or for them. It's more about just putting out fires. So that's something to consider. So, what do you think? Who should be in the delivery room? I would love to hear from you all on this and see what you think about this debate. Just a reminder for the whole month of July, we will be

Starting point is 00:14:29 talking about in-law relationships at Calling Home. You can visit www.callinghome.com to access all of our resources about in-law relationships. We have videos. worksheets, scripts, articles, podcast episodes, and also groups every Wednesday and two Thursdays a month where you can connect with other family cycle breakers who are dealing with ending patterns of generational dysfunction just like you are. Thank you all, as always, for listening to this podcast. Please don't forget to subscribe and leave us a review. That is what helps keep this podcast going and helps other people find it. I can't wait to see you guys again next week. Thanks. Bye. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services.

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CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - Who Gets To Be In The Delivery Room?

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