CALLING HOME with Whitney Goodman, LMFT - You Don't Stop Estrangement Just By Saying It's Bad: How To Actually Prevent Family Estrangement

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

Ok, I go on a little rant in this one because I am so tired of people trying to remain totally neutral about family estrangement. Obviously estrangement is bad. It's not an ideal outcome. No one wants to experience it. And, sometimes it is the only choice. In this episode I cover: how abuse is actually quite common in families why saying estrangement is "bad" isn't going to solve anything what we actually need to do to prevent estrangement in families Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club: www.callinghome.co/join Have a question for Whitney? Call in and leave a voicemail for the show at 866-225-5466. Follow Whitney on Instagram: www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit Subscribe to Whitney's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@whitneygoodmanlmft Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And I'm a little fired up about this because I think that I'm noticing this trend online where as family estrangement becomes this topic, especially adult child and parent estrangedment that we're talking about a lot more, it's becoming certainly more mainstream, something that more clinicians are talking about, that I'm seeing this kind of like towing the line, even among some of my colleagues and other clinicians that I really like love and respect and think are great, that everyone is really afraid to say that sometimes estrangement is the right choice. And I am not afraid to say that. I think for a while, I was very afraid to say that because I have been accused as like promoting a strangement or encouraging estrangement or wanting people to become a strange. I don't know anyone on this planet that actually like who is a therapist who is trying to help people have better family relationships that genuinely says, I wish there was more estrangement in the world. Like, no one is saying that.

I don't think that. And I find that we're getting into this weird dynamic where we are so afraid to look like we are quote unquote promoting estrangement, that we are afraid to say the quiet part out loud. That for some people, their family members are the worst people in the world to them. some people have been so abused and hurt and harmed by their family members that they are in this position. And so I want to say this on the record. We need to stop being angry about family estrangement. We need to stop saying that we don't like estrangement, that we don't want it to be

happening. And we need to get angry about what is causing estrangement. We are angry about the wrong thing. If we do not like estrangement, we need to get angrier, more passionate, and more dedicated to preventing the things that lead to estrangement. Because estrangement is not the problem. Estrangement is a consequence of many other issues that have gone unchecked, untreated, and we have not stopped within families. And so if you do not want there to be estrangement in your family, we need to stop telling people estrangement is bad. Instead, we need to be focused on the things that are leading to estrangement,

that are leading to this negative outcome and this consequence. It reminds me of like, I don't know, like DARE programs, like telling kids drugs are bad. don't use drugs. Instead of thinking about what might lead a young person to use drugs? What causes people to become addicted? What are some negative events or things that might happen in a person's life that could lead to a outcome like addiction? And so instead of just shouting at people, don't become estranged. If you're talking about estrangement or even telling people that that's an option that you are bad and you want that to happen. I really want us to start looking at the

root cause of why this is happening. And I refuse, I refuse to believe because it goes absolutely against all the experience that I have had with this population. I refuse to believe that it's just because people hate their families and don't want to have a connection with them and they're being selfish and they don't care. Could there be a small population of those people? Sure. But they are not the ones listening to this podcast. They're not the ones attending our groups at calling home. I think that that is a minority. I think that most people that are trying to get help with these issues, they also don't want to be estranged from their family. But they feel like they have no other choice. I think that we have a lot of trouble being honest about some of the things that can

happen and do happen regularly within families and how destructive they can be to people's lives. And I think that we really want to believe that families are always a place of love and connection and support. And anybody who pulls away from that must have something wrong with them. Right. But the reality is far different. And child abuse is perpetuated by parents at a significant rate. in the United States. And I'm going to give you all some statistics from 2014 to 2025 that highlight the prevalence of this abuse in the United States. So in 2014, approximately 702,000 children were victims of maltreatment, 75% suffered neglect, 17% physical abuse, and 8.3% sexual abuse, 78% of child fatalities involved at least one parent.

as the perpetrator in 2014. In 2022, an estimated 558,89 children were victims of abuse and neglect. The majority of these victims were abused by their parents. Children under the age of three are particularly vulnerable, comprising 28% of abuse victims. And children in their first year of life account for 15% of all victims, with more than a quarter being no more than two years old. In 2022, alone, an estimated 1,990 children died from abuse and neglect in the United States. Parental substance abuse is a significant risk factor for child maltreatment. In 2019, 15.2% of children had a parent or caregiver with an alcohol abuse risk factor. And 23.8% had a parent or caregiver with a drug abuse risk factor.

26.5% of children had a domestic violence abuse risk factor. and children who experience abuse and neglect are nine times more likely to become involved in criminal activity. About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing that cycle of abuse. And at least one study found that 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder. There is critical need for continued efforts in prevention, intervention, and support services to protect children, particularly within the family setting. There was another really shocking finding about New York City foster youth and their parents. Between 2020 and 23, there were 2,154 cases

of substantiated abuse and nor neglect of foster children in New York City. And this was, was taken from the city controller's audit of the administration for children's services. This report found that three quarters of those cases were perpetrated by a member of the child's birth family while the children were back home visiting. And so we might feel like our initial reaction is like, wow, the foster system is extremely dangerous in New York City. But unfortunately, we've found that these were actually, when these children were going back and visiting their family that these instances happened. There was also a 2018 report by New York City's Department of Investigation found that the majority of maltreatment incidents of foster kids happened

while they were visiting their biological parents. Foster parents themselves were the perpetrators in about 19% of the maltreatment incidents in 2017. We also know that each year, over 10 million individuals in the U.S. experienced domestic violence, equating to approximately 20, people per minute. One in four women and one in seven men have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner. And more than one in three women and one in four men have encountered rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. All of these statistics and events and types of violence impact children. They impact their parents and they impact the family unit. And while all cases of estrangement certainly do not

involve abuse, we should not be shocked or surprised that estrangement is happening within families where there is no effort to rehabilitate the family, no accountability, no addressing of the generational trauma that has occurred. There are no apologies. There are no apologies. no attempts to improve themselves, and the cycle just continues. And I think what we have to remember is that for some people, their family members are their biggest critics, their biggest haters, they are the people who are the hardest on them and that cause them the most pain. And for some reason, when these people speak out and they say, ex-family member, did these things to me. They harmed me and abused me in these ways. They are not taking

accountability. They are not seeking any type of rehabilitation or health or therapy. They will not apologize. We are so quick to say, but they're your family. But have you tried this? Have you tried talking to them in this way? And I will, of course, always try to give people the tools to achieve reconciliation, to find better ways to communicate, and to learn how to have better family relationships. But we have to remember that reconciliation and repair and all of that good stuff takes too. You cannot do that with someone who has absolutely no interest in taking accountability, improving the relationship, learning communication skills, etc. And for some people, this is life or death for them. If you are someone who has recently gotten sober and your whole

family is still engaged in drinking and using drugs and engaging in activities that are going to cause you to slip back into that, you're probably going to need to take some space from your family. And if you had friends or a partner that was like that, we wouldn't say to you, you should probably keep hanging out with them, even though it puts you at a huge risk to yourself. We are so, quick to tell people that they need to truly get destroyed until they are allowed to take an honest inventory of how their family relationships are impacting them. And I know that there is a group of people out there like shouting from the rooftops that there are adults who are cutting off their parents and their family members simply because of a difference in opinion or because

they didn't buy the right Christmas gift or, you know, because of like these silly small reasons, I'm not going to negate that it's out there without like, you know, actual and concrete proof. And I will always say to you all that there are outliers for everything. But this is just not my experience with the people who listen to this podcast, the people who come to our groups at Calling Home and the people that I have met with over the last decade of therapy. It's just not my experience. And so I can't. fill a podcast episode with stories like that because they are not part of my experience as a therapist. I can't advise people that are in situations where they had a perfect relationship

with their adult child until they bought them the wrong size shirt and then their child cut them off because I don't have experience in those areas and they are not a group that I have been working with and that I feel like I can adequately give advice to. So if that is your situation, then this probably won't be the most helpful for you. But if you are someone who feels like I have really been harmed at the hands of my family, my family members are the people that discourage me the most, that criticize me, that have contempt for me, that really don't want me to succeed, that have abused me and harmed me, those are people that I have interacted with and that I have tried to create resources

for. And so I do want to tell you that if you can relate to this and you go on our website under content, we do have an entire module dedicated to family estrangement. We have things like what to say when you run into an estranged family member in public. How to decide if you need a boundary, low contact or estrangement. Should I try to maintain contact for the sake of family unity? And you can get access to all of these resources inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at calling home.com. We have an estranged adult child's group that meets twice every month. We also have a family estrangement group that meets twice every month. I think we all want less family estrangement, right? We all want families to be strong, to be places where we can go and feel

accepted and validated and supported. And I really think that the world is a much better place when people have strong family relationships. And so instead of discouraging estrangement and telling people, estrangement is bad, we need to be neutral about estrangement, we shouldn't tell people to become estranged, I really want to focus on combating some of the things within families that often result in estrangement and may lead to that outcome. And if you would like to join me in that, here are some things that we can focus on and do, right, that are not just forgive and forget or they're your family, but they're actually real tangible things that we can do. We need to teach and promote emotional maturity. I have several podcast episodes on how to deal with emotionally immature people, how to be more emotionally mature, a Q&A on emotional maturity. We also have the Emotions 101 course that's available inside the family cycle breakers club

for member. That's like a $300 value that you get for free with your membership. And I always recommend the book, Permission to Feel with Mark Brackett. I have a podcast episode with him as well. If you want to promote emotional maturity in your family, there are a lot of things that you can do. You can work on encouraging emotional growth, self-rength. reflection and accountability. On our website, we focused on cultivating emotional maturity in an emotionally immature worlds. And if you're a member, some of the resources that we have on there

are like how to repair after you slip into emotional maturity. We are all vulnerable to slip into emotional immaturity, but an essential step is being able to repair after that. You also have to have a legitimate level of self-awareness. We have to be able to tell when our triggers are taking over, when we're slipping into old patterns, when we're not communicating in a way that is really healthy or productive. Learning how to communicate while you're triggered or overwhelmed emotionally is also a huge skill that's involved in emotional maturity. We have a script about that for members of the Family Cycle Briggers Club. The biggest antidote to emotional immaturity, though, is learning how to take accountability and how to apologize. And that is something that we are

talking about every day at calling home. When we promote emotional maturity in our families, we learn to respect boundaries. We see each other as equal people that are worthy of respect and care and family's own past harm instead of rewriting it or minimizing it. The other thing that we need to focus on is normalizing, having hard conversations in families, preferably before things get really difficult and a lot of time has passed. And this means talking openly about mistakes and misunderstandings, learning to say, I was wrong, I hurt you, and repairing after rupture instead of avoiding it. And this is something that you can do even with young children. And I think that really learning this skill and employing it very early on in your family and that it's never too late to do this will stop you from experiencing a lot of the consequences that ultimately end up leading to estrangedment.

We also need to focus on reducing shame and increasing empathy within our families. So shame when we use it on others and when we experience it ourselves is a huge barrier to reconciliation. and families that have empathy instead of judgment are more likely to stay connected through hard times. So can we try to work on listening without defensiveness, replacing you're too sensitive with, help me understand how that felt for you, and creating space for each person's truth and experience even when it's uncomfortable? We also really need to focus on breaking the cycle of control and obligation in families. When relationships in our families are based on guilt, fear, or like you owe someone, estrangement can often feel like the only way out

of those relationships. And when we shift towards relationships that are really based on mutual connection, reciprocity, understanding one another, trying to find ways to connect and know each other, it really, really reduces the pressure and makes estrangement less likely. So we need to let go of the idea that we all owe each other a relationship for whatever reason and build adult relationships that are based on mutual respect. We can also learn to respect no without retaliation within the family. The other thing I would love to see us do that I think would really help minimize family estrangement is to offer real repatriation. not just reconnection because we're family. So many family members want reconciliation,

but they are not willing to do the work that it takes to actually repair. To prevent or end estrangement, the people who cause harm have to actually be willing to understand the impact, take accountability, and commit to change. So we need apologies that acknowledge specific harm, I understand that I hurt you when this thing happened. We need to accept the consequences of our behavior and not rush reconciliation just because that's what we so desperately want. And we need to ask the question of, what do you need for me to move forward? What would make our relationship better? How can I repair this with you? And then follow through on doing that together. I think if we do all of this as families, as society, as an individual, reconciliation will become much more likely.

And you will find people saying, I want to move forward with you on this because I can see that you're actually trying. You're putting in the effort. You see what happened here. You know, I was talking about this in one of our support groups this week about how many adults feel like they would absolutely have a relationship with their family members, with their parent, with their sibling if they could just change their behavior in the present. So many parents ask me, when will adults stop blaming their parents for everything? And the reality is they will stop blaming others when they feel like everyone's taking accountability for their lives. And I actually feel like accountability builds in families. And when parents take accountability, children are more

likely to take accountability. And that behavior has to be modeled from a young age. When you grow up in a family system where no one apologizes, no one can take responsibility, the parents are never wrong. They're always right. You don't learn how to work that muscle. You don't learn that skill. And a lot of times that creates children and adults who also don't know how to do that or who are more likely to take responsibility for everything and always say that everything is their fault because they grew up in a family system where they were constantly blamed for everything. Or they want to blame others because that is what has always been modeled for them. And so I do think that once you start modeling accountability and you show people that accountability in this family is a strength,

it is something that we do, it's something we admire and that we want to promote, it is much easier for everybody else in the family to follow that and to take the lead on that in their own lives. What I really hope that you take away from this episode is that getting upset that people are becoming estranged is not the way to just decrease estrangement. Being someone that just says I don't like estrangement, I don't want it to happen. I think it's terrible for families is not a fix. it is not going to solve anything. If you want less estrangement, you need to fix the things that are happening that lead families to cutting ties, that lead adults to say, I feel like I have to cut my family off. And if we have less of those risk factors within families and more of the things

that I just described, like repair, breaking the cycle of control and obligation, reducing shame, increasing empathy, normalizing hard conversations, and promoting emotional maturity, we will have less estrangement. And you will not have to be so upset that it's happening because you will be doing the work to try to make sure that it doesn't happen within your own families. I really appreciate you listening to this episode today. As always, if you've liked anything in this episode and you feel like I really want to take this to the next level, because we all know that listening to this and learning it is not doing the work. That is the first step in the process. And when you're ready to take that next step into actually utilizing the tools

to make a change and joining a community where that change is encouraged, facilitated, and promoted, we would love to have you inside the Family Cycle Breakers Club at Calling Home. As part of your membership, you will get unlimited access to support groups with other family cycle breakers. You will will also get unlimited access to all of our content. We add new content every Monday and focus on a new topic every single month. This month, we are wrapping up the impact of mental health and mental illness on the family unit. And if you join the Family Cycle Breakers Club, you get access to all past and current content and future content. We would love to have you join. And I hope to see some of you in a group soon. Thank you so much for listening. And

please don't forget to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast. It really helps us whenever you do that. Thank you so much. The Calling Home podcast is not engaged in providing therapy services, mental health advice, or other medical advice or services. It is not a substitute for advice from a qualified health care provider and does not create any therapist, patient, or other treatment relationship between you and Colling Calm or Whitney Goodman. For more information on this, please see Calling Home's terms of service linked in the show notes below.