Camp Gagnon - Bert Kreischer GREATEST Tour Stories & Being a Güero Blue Eyed Mexican | Shane Torres

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

What up people! Shane Torres is in the tent today to just hang out. Happy Friday my people. Welcome to camp!Timecodes coming Thanks to blue chew, zipped, and Morgan and Morgan

I did Burt's like Arena tour and we were in St. Louis. Saifa was like, what do you want me to say when I bring you up? And I was like, oh, just tell him I'm Tom's the girl. He was like, are you serious? I was like, yeah. They got so loud. I was like, this might have been a horrible mistake. How'd the set go?

Pretty good, honestly. Some of them were genuinely upset because it was like 15,000 people. Was Tom there? No. And what a bird thing? I don't even know if he knows if I did it. This is my dear friend Shane Torres. Shane is an extremely funny stand-of-comedian.

regular at the comedy seller here in New York City, as well as traveling on the road with Burt Kreischer. He's amazing. He's performed in arenas all over the country. And today we're in the tent just goofing off, having a laugh. That's what I needed today. Just an hour and a half of just two comics, busting balls. So without further ado, enjoy Shane Torres. Welcome to camp. I mean, you are Mexican, and I think that it's important. Yeah, I'm also an Irish immigrant mom. So, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a chip on your shoulder and you're willing to work hard. Yeah, and I shove it all down. Yeah, and I am wildly emotional in certain outburst. Yeah.

What do you think is the most prevalent emotion that bubbles up? Is it anger? Is it like angst? I would say, I oscillate a lot. Like, in moments, sometimes I am, I know it is not good to, like, hold anger. So I don't know, but, like, I have it a lot of the time. You know, like, and like, I, like, And I don't like search out conflict.

So I'm trying to like, I have this thing, but I'm like, I'm just kind of ready to unload this in some way. And I want it to be in a good way. So I don't, I don't want to be a person who freaks out because someone walks in front of him on the crosswalk. You know, like, yeah, like, I don't want that shit. But I have like little moments where I think about it. You know, like, yeah, I'll just shove this bitch in front of this train. I'll have that intrusive side. I ride my bike over the Williamsburg Bridge often.

and if someone's going slow, I will kind of just be like, what if I just went next to them and just stiff arm? Yeah, I do that. And then I go, Mark, you got to just pull it together a little bit, buddy. And then you just ride past them. And like, this is not what you're mad. And this is not what you're mad about. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I have to tell myself a lot. Yeah, I just bombed a show. That's why I want to shove this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't laugh. Yeah, if he was at the show, then it's justified. Yeah, for sure. And I think you'd probably get away with it in the legal sense.

Yeah, it's wild. Do you, I, yeah, so it's like, it rage and depression. Joy is not, like, nearly enough, I think. Yeah. Yeah, and, um, I think a lot of it happens for me between, like, the peaks and valleys of things going well and not going well. Yeah, like, like, like, are big things? Like, yeah. Yeah.

Like, if something good happens, I'm just like, well, we're on our way down now. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Like, I have a lot of dread. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, we're overdue for something terrible. Yes.

Oh, and I think about that. worldly sense. Like, I remember before the pandemic, I was like, there hasn't been like an awful global event in a while. Stop thinking these things. You're the reason this happened. What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? Yeah, everybody, you got me to think. Clearvoin. What the hell?

All those restaurants shutting down was my fault. Yeah. No, that's a, I get that though. I just dread it. But I know it comes from dread. Yeah. And growing up in Fort Worth, your parents were together? Until I was like 12. Okay, cool. Around 12. Maybe 13.

something like that. Yeah, but then my folks were like, my dad was out for a while. Like he just didn't know how to do it. You know, I think it's pretty ashamed. How many kids did he have? We have three. Okay, cool. You're the youngest?

Middle, yeah. Okay, cool. How many kids do you come from? My parents had seven kids. Jesus. What number are you? I'm six of seven. Really?

One younger sister. And how much younger is she? She's like three years. We're all like three years apart. From top to bottom? basically yeah so your older brother or sister is like 18 years older than your youngest one damn near yeah yeah i mean look at you doing math dude do they know i always think about this when people have like long ass between siblings and eight do they know each other like are they like

you know what i mean like do they know are they part of each other's lives yeah yeah well that's thing like because it seems like the distance is like your brother by the time that person starts speaking at six your brother or sister is like 24 yeah exactly so like i think in the early years you kind of like... Speaking at six. You can tell I've spent no time around children. No, you're autistic. If you start speaking at six,

there's a latent diagnosis coming in with. I'm not just saying colors. I'm like blue. I like blue. No, they, uh, yeah, it's an interesting thing when you have siblings that are kind of spaced out like that. My mom,

I'm pretty sure had kids in like four different decades. I think my brother was born in like 79 or 80. And then my youngest sister was born in 2000. Like, that's crazy. So, I mean, when you're growing up, you're kind of like around... Is your family religious? Yeah, deep.

Okay, exactly. My parents are very Catholic. Oh, really? Yeah, my mom specifically is like... So you were confirmed in first... All that stuff. What are you talking about? Dude, Simon of Cyrene is my confirmation saying. Jesus Mary and... Come on. Simon with my dad's there. Exactly. Jesus Mary and Joseph. They're very important. That's fucking wild.

Yeah, dude. He's the one that helped Jesus carry the cross when he was going to Gallagotho. Yeah. God. You took... So you took a good lump in this stuff. Oh, yeah. I'm guilty to this day. Hey, what's up guys? Sorry to interrupt this amazing program. but I need a little bit of help. If you're watching this on YouTube,

you can probably see our subscriber number right down here. And if you're able to, it would mean the world if you could subscribe. That is the best way to support this show. Because when you subscribe, I'm able to show it to potential guests or to different brands and stuff like that. And it really, really helps grow the show,

get us cooler guests, have cooler conversations, and it helps everything so, so much. So if you don't mind, thank you so much. Let's get back to it. Are you still practicing Catholic? I would say in the New York sense. I'm probably the most Catholic person you've ever met in New York.

work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In, like, amongst Catholic people, I'm like, I'm not a great Catholic. You know what I mean? But you still, like... I got married to 23. Yeah, I'm not, and this is no judgment, but you still subscribe to it? Like... It's an interesting thing. I go back and forth on this, to be completely frank with you, because I, I

benefit a lot from the structure of the Catholic Church. I quite enjoyed it, actually. Okay. There's a lot of people that grow up. Like, you mean, like, in a practical sense? Yeah. Like, can you give me an example? The ritual of going to church and, like, going to Mass. My family do dinner after every Mass. I really liked the doctrine of the church. Like, I liked, like, how much structure there was to go with the Bible.

That, like, you had, like, thousands and thousands of years of, like, church doctrine that you could read through. Like, I could look at, like, Thomas Aquinas and, like, go through the Summa and be like, oh, this is interesting. Like, the catechism and be like, this is what Catholic scholars believe about the world. Just from, like, a philosophical sense, it brought me a lot of comfort. Okay. So I really liked that that I found in, like, other, like, I went to a Protestant school for most of, like, my middle and high school. Yeah. and Protestantism to me

just kind of like was much more like relationship based. Yeah. It was like Jesus is your buddy and he exists in your heart or kind of in the sky and you just kind of got to talk to him and everything will be good. Which is important I think for like Christians in general.

But it kind of lacked like the structure. I was like, hey, what do we believe about this? And people would be like, ah, we don't know. Look at your personal relationship. I'm like, what's... That's what... That's what Protestant's I kind of felt like. Yeah. It's like your experience.

Catholics were like, look, this is what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I like that was like my big issue with Catholicism. Was the structure? Well, like, just like this is that you put your faith in people. Right. Like, which I think is valuable. Mm-hmm.

But it doesn't necessarily encourage constructive thought and like, like I would ask questions like, well, what was before God? Yeah, you know, like if your line is that they created everything, you know. And I remember my mom was just like, God will always be and always, was and I was like, well, I'm kind of out. That's the, that's the kind of shit I can't. Yeah. You know, and I'm like, I'm not even against it. I just. I have questions. I'm curious. Yeah, yeah. And then like, as you get older,

you're like, well, that's why it's called faith. Like, to me, that's what you get away with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's how I can swallow people. Yeah. Pause. Believing in this shit without, like, having an answer for something when I raise a good point.

Sure. And that's like, and that's good. but I need like I'd rather have like a pragmatic approach to my life. Of course. Yeah. So that was the thing growing up. I liked it for those reasons. And I also had good like mentors I found. Like Father Ben was a priest that I was like close with in high school.

That was just like a great dude. And just like a young guy that was like passionate and like truly thoughtful. Yeah. And didn't dittle me. So that's a plus. Yeah. It's good. Like amongst all those things.

You're non-dittled. Yeah. Yeah. And then my mom is just like genius woman that like just is super thoughtful and philosophical. So, like, I would ask questions like that, like, hey, why can't gay people get married? And she would have some answer or be like, hey, I don't really know. Yeah. And see, that's what I...

There's an openness. That would have been fine, more fine for me, I think. Yeah. Like to just be like, yeah, I'm not really with that part. It's okay to disagree with some of this shit would have been a very nice thing to hear. Yeah. Yeah. So as I've gotten older, I've become more accepting that I think a lot of religions are trying and attempting

to explain what they believe God to be. What they believe is the source. And so I believe. I believe that fundamentally all religions that have sustained for a long time whose fruits seem to be good you know what I mean? Like Islam has existed for a couple thousand years and generally

Muslims I find to be like really great people that are very devout and like focused. Yeah I like yeah yeah in my experience with yeah exactly I don't think I ever met a Muslim person until like I moved to New York maybe like yeah I didn't mean Muslims or didn't be many of them yeah and so meeting Muslim people and they're like oh yeah we do this with our food and we pray this much

and we love Allah and this is what our life is And I was like, huh, that's kind of what I do. Yeah. Like, so I've recognized that there's a lot more similarities. You saw the parallels in it. Exactly. So I became much less dogmatic, but I still, like, I'm really fond of the church. Like, I really like, you know, Catholicism.

Yeah, do you still go? Like, well, you like, like, like, I mean, are you like a New York Catholic in the sense you'll go, like, Ash Wednesday? Like, that was kind of, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my wife and I, like, if we're free on Sunday, then I'm like, great. But, like, if I'm flying back from a show in Columbus, and we land at five, and I'm like, You don't really want to go to a night service. That's what I'm saying.

I'm not, I'm not a... Yeah. And maybe I should... Actually, no, I'm not going to say I should. I feel like that puts like a shame component to it. You know... But I could. It seems to me like you're doing a pretty good

interpretation of it and how it fits with your life. I guess so. Like, I never cared about gay people. I was like... Yeah. The church was like hung up about like gay, whatever. I'm like...

I think they're moving away from that a little bit lately, it seems. Oh, yeah. Papa Francisco's... He's like, he's very like... Well, he's trying to get the numbers back up, I think. I think Catholicism is having a few... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And obviously...

Having a few of... You know, like, you gotta start... You're kind of a celebrity. If you start going back, you and Walberg together could really get the numbers. If he wants to cut me in on Walbur's... What if you got sainthood? Well, that's the thing. If I go to heaven, then I would be.

I wouldn't be canonized, but technically all the people in heaven are saints. Is that amazing? No. No. It's kind of... Honestly, makes it seem less good to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fair.

But maybe... Well, I don't, nobody really knows the numbers in heaven. Yeah, well, that's the thing. Maybe everyone goes. Inshallah. Inshallah? I don't know. Inshala?

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I forgot. You never met Muslims until you can't even yet. That's like God willing in Arabic. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Muslims like to say it. It's a great term. Yeah, it is. I don't know why more people don't say it all the time. I say God will. Yeah. No, I don't. Inshallah.

Inshallah. You're just like, you're bringing into your own vernacular? Come on, dude. I'm taking, I'm cookie cutter. I'm taking it from everyone. So you just be like, gotta. Somebody will be like, I hope the mozzarella sticks show up soon. You'll be like, inshalla.

Inchalaw? I think you're like. I'm hammered at an olive garden. Enchalaw. We need two more enchiladas. Bread sticks. We need more enchiladas and enchiladas. That's a, that's, I don't meet a lot of people anymore who like practice,

uh, religion all the time. Like, or even a little bit like, not real. Yeah, it's kind of weird. I don't know. Like even, not, and I don't mean just Christianity. about like my Muslim friends or my Hindu friends who grew up in these um contracts like not many of them are like you know like but I mean maybe it's the I meet everyone I know through comedy so yeah maybe that's the issue but like you know

like people that like like hang out in shady bars late at night are typically not church yeah yeah they're not going to make they're not going to make a.m. Latin mass yeah I don't think so I don't I just don't um yeah and maybe that's just the way in my life but like I don't like but I don't But I guess when I go home, people are always going to church and shit. None of my friends. Were your parents? Pretty Catholic? Yeah.

My mom was from Southern Ireland. Like, so, like, raised, like, my priest, her brother, my uncle, he was a priest. We had great aunts that were nuns. My dad was in the seminary for a while. Oh, really? Yeah. And he got kicked out. Wait, why did get kicked out?

I think he was drinking, like, he got drunk and started drinking all this sacrament wine. No. Yeah, yeah. It gets so much. and then like they said Wait, can you elaborate on the story? Yeah, well, what I know of it, like, it's a big, it was a big black mark in my family's, like,

you know, like, so my dad was Mexican, right? Like, first, it still is Mexican, right? No, well, I mean, they're both dead. They're all dead. Why'd you bring that up, too? It's fine. Why'd you ruin the mood of this podcast? Come on.

Yeah, man, we're, well, we're here in the tent. We're sharing. Yeah, yeah. But it was like, I think it was one of those things, You know, if you're a Mexican and you have a priest in the family, it's typically a big, like you, it's like having a doctor in the family. Yeah, yeah, you know. So when he got kicked out of the seminary, like, it was like a huge stain on him in my family.

Yeah, yeah, like my, you know, like my grandmother wouldn't let him back in the house. Like my grandfather was like, you know, he. He was like a crazy, not crazy, but like a very stoic World War II vet. You know, like, so like this is like, you don't have the discipline to do this and I like killed a bunch of crouts or whatever. You know, like, yeah, yeah. You know, like you can't, you can't just live in the light of Christ. Yeah. But that, that's seminary shit is kind of hard.

That's like 12 years. Yeah. And like he, I mean, he did not last long. But I think he was ready to be out of there. Like, so we were raised, especially when we were younger, super, super. Catholic. Like, you got confirmed? Uh, I, I did not.

We got out right before, like, we started, we stopped going, like, they got divorced right before that kind of thing was going to start happening for me. And then, but my brother, like, we flew to Ireland so he could take his first communion over there from my uncle. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, like, things like that. Like, very. What did your parents do for work?

Um, my mother was a nurse, night nurse. And, um, I kind of don't know what my dad. job was like he was like in sales whatever that was but he was always kind of half working like he didn't uh if I'm being can I think my dad was a fairly lazy person hmm uh but like he had sales he worked for a roofing company for one point where he would try and sell like oh we had a big hail storm in Texas in turen county like you go by people's houses and like try and like get them to buy new like they know they need new roofs or whatever that that kind of shit. But he didn't

do that for very well or very long. You know what? Like, he had sales jobs. Did you notice that as a kid? I think it got more apparent the older I got for sure, like that my mom was like their steady breadwinner. And I think I

would notice that like, I noticed it more and more as we got like older I guess what I would say. But like, because when we're younger my dad would like coach our soccer teams and like, you know, like taught Sunday school and this kind of but I think

that part was easy for him you know like when you're like an infant to like 10 or 11 you know you're like a little more like pliable to them

yeah and like you just do you know yeah and your dad's around he's like coaching the team yeah he was doing that stuff for a bit but he was never earning money

like you know I think that was like to some credit I think that was a way he could contribute to us so were you guys like middle class growing up I would say middle class, lower middle class.

Like, you know, like, I heard the phrase we can't afford it a lot. Yeah, but I didn't grow up in a... I mean, we lost our house. I would say, yeah, I would say we were hand to mouth. Like, check to check. Wow. Very, very check to check. How'd you lose your house?

Oh, my dad didn't pay taxes on it for like... They told my mom, yeah, pay the taxes. That's important. You got to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then they were like, no, you didn't. That's wild. So how old were you when that happened?

I was like 12, I think, maybe? Yeah, yeah. That was right when they split, I'm assuming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, got pretty close. Yeah, pretty quick thereafter. That's crazy. Yeah. And then after they split, did you hang with your dad much,

or were you just mostly with your mom? I was always, like, closer to my mom in general. So, like, I hung with her. Like, we all stayed with her either. And then he would kind of like, he had I would say he had trouble getting off the mat you know like it wasn't the easiest thing in the world for him and he got there

I think the way like you know like a lot of people and my I got my generation of young men is like a lot of our dads are good guys but not necessarily good men like my dad I think people really liked him and he was a sweet person but he couldn't not meet responsibilities at a level like he had his commitments like yeah yeah like he just

couldn't do it you know like I don't like I don't think he learned and I think part of it's because like you know like you go in these certain directions like my grandfather was like that's all he could do but he didn't know how to nurture people you know like it's a mess you know like interesting yeah your grandfather's like hyper provider executor yeah yeah yeah but not very friendly or warm no like like when we were little he like you know he loved us and he would tell us like I love you about, you know, like, but he just didn't have that, like, motor. He was too busy trying to survive his life. Yeah, of course.

My grandfather was kind of the same way. He would, like, he only gave his handshakes. Really? Until the day he died. Like, I would come over, I'd be six years old, be like, hey, granddad, and you go, nice to see you. God. Get a handshake. And it never even occurred to me as weird.

Yeah, no, it's, that's like a thing. I was like, this is just what this guy does. When you, like, when you realize, like, you're, like, some of your family dynamic is strange to other people. Yeah. You're like. Like, dude, I remember when my neighbor's, grandpa died and I was like hey you want to go play he's like I can't man I was like why he's like my granddad died I was like why is that bad does he have your baseball love yeah I just you really

couldn't like I love like I loved it but I was just like we weren't that we weren't boys like he's just like a guy I knew yeah yeah it's kind of like I would hang with he was a nice guy and now my dad's all weird about it yeah it's just weird it so like seeing this kid is like it's so caught up about his grandpa down. I was like, why, why is, what's sad about this? Do you think, do you still know that person? My, my buddy, my neighbor? Yeah. Yeah. Is he, uh, do you think he was

an emotional person? Like, I'm curious to think if he was like always wired that way. No, he's an emotional person, but he was also extremely close to his grandfather. His grandfather, like, taught him out of play basketball. He took him fishing and like, they like really connected. Yeah. Whereas like me and my grandfather if he knew your name, you would be kind of, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's like seven of us. That's fucking And then there was kids on the other side of like their other kids. Yeah. It's like insane. So you have like are your, um, your other siblings, are they all married and like a lot of married and have kids? So you're, you're going to have like a massive family, like extended family. Yeah.

Yeah. I already have 13 nieces and nephews. My God. Yeah. And we're adding more every year. Yeah. I mean it's also like you're young. Yeah.

Like I don't know if you plan to do that at some point or not. Oh yeah. I definitely. I definitely want to have kids. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that part of your special was interesting. Like you were kind of like.

like turmoil with having children. Yeah, I'm in great distress over it. Yeah. All the time. It's an interesting dilemma. I'm curious about that. Well, I mean, I think, you know, there's no one thing that makes me feel that way. There's like, obviously, but I think one of the things is for sure that how my father was a father.

That, like, gives me trepidation for it, you know? Yeah, of course. and how I've seen other men in that family be fathers. So, and that's not the only deterrent, like, but I also, like, I like, I like, for the most part, like, I like, like, how I get to live, you know? And I, like, so I have this little nephew who I, like, love very much, and it was his birthday yesterday. He's, like, he's the best. And, like, I kind of, like, will think about him something. Sometimes I'll just get kind of like emotional.

So, you know, like he'll get me out of bit. The thought of him will get me out of bed some days. And be like, no, you can do this because he might need help going to college or something. You know, like, you know, I don't know, he probably, this kid's not going to college. How old is a kid? He's like, he's 12 yesterday. Yeah, he's not going to make it. Yeah, he's basically handicapped.

No, he's so sweet. No, he's like, he's such a good kid. He might go to college. He's actually doing pretty well. on school, but like, then everything's about like super children and how like, you know, you need to have money and like they, like, I'm just like, you gotta like get them into a good preschool for them to go to Harvard.

You know, like, yeah, isn't that crazy? Yeah, yeah, like, I was like, this kid, this kid just needs to be happy. You didn't play Mozart, the womb? Yeah, that kind of shit freaks me out. It's like, bro, how much planning do I need to do? Yeah, and how much of an individual do they get to be or do I mold them into something.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then if, no matter how much you mold them, they might just still be a psycho. Yes. You're like, damn it. Yes. And I'm like, yeah. And I could, I like, so like, it kind of makes me sad and scares the shit out of me sometimes.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. So, like, the idea of having one I'm supposed to love more than that is like, it's a little scary to me, honestly. You know, like, and I'd like, there's not that I've never thought about it or like, but it would have to be with a woman. I'm like, I'm very certain of this way. Of course. Well, that's the true thing. Like, before, for me at least, before I even thought about a kid, I was like, I got to find.

a mother of my children. Like, who's a person I'm someone to, like, raise my children with? Yeah. Like, who is that? That's what you thought of first? Yeah, no question. Wild.

Yeah. And that was... That is, like, crazy to me. Like, one of the qualities... I'm like, who's fun? Like, I really am... I think I'm just like, I just want to be bored.

Like, hey, like... You know, when you get into a part of it, like, when you're dating someone, you're just in a relationship, you're like, this kind of sucks right now. Yeah, no, I get that. I got it was necessarily wrong,

but it's just quiet. And I'm like, Yeah. I'm going to go hang out with Bill. I have so many friends that are like, yeah, this girl's crazy. Like, she doesn't want to have kids. I really want to have kids. Our relationship's not going to work, but like she has D-Cups.

Yeah, it's crazy how superficial the male gays is. Yeah, yeah. I was fortunate, I think, being raised around mostly women. Yeah. Like, my two oldest siblings are my brothers. And so I've become very close to them now that I become like an adult. But through most of my adolescence, it was just with the girls. And so I was just...

So you were kind of raised as the only boy in some sense? Type way, yeah, exactly. By the time I was born, my brother's already in college. My other brother was about to go to college. Yeah. So by the time I'm like five, like, the only people in the house are women. So I kind of had a perspective on like women and like what to look for. I guess I was not mystified by women in any way.

I wasn't like, I was just fortunate that that was kind of like my example. So when I was like meeting women in like high school into college, I knew how to do it kind of. Not even, I wouldn't say knew how. It's not like I possessed like a wisdom. I just like. kind of based off what my, I was basically like, oh, would this girl like get along with my sisters? No, there's a template of space, like, I had like a litmus.

Well, this is what my experience with women is like in these women, in your siblings. Exactly. Yeah. And so, like, if I met a girl that was like very superficial or like really was like obsessed with like designer brands, I'd be like, well, that's kind of antithetical to how my family is. So that's kind of a red flag. You were thinking about that early?

Yeah. That's cool. Like, I'm, I... This is like, my mom kind of like just imprinted a lot of, like, philosophy of life from like a young age. Sounds smart. But, like, growing up, her only goal for me, forever was go to heaven.

I was like, mom. Can I just be a doctor? She was like, I don't care what you do. Go to heaven. That's fucking... I was like, that's kind of high bar. Yeah. Well, it's also kind of like not in the Catholic sense.

You know what I mean? Like... But it's like... It's kind of like, well, you only have one thing to do. You got to love Jesus. that's pretty easy check. You gotta not be a dickhead a little bit. You know what I mean?

You gotta live in a certain way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like. That's interesting that you're like, because I had a ton of friends that were women. Like young, like the, I think is. You don't have to brag, dude. No, no, no.

Well, I don't think they were friends. I wasn't getting late. Notice I said friends and not, yeah, girlfriends. But I, like, no sisters. and my mom was the only woman in the house, and she was from another country, so she wasn't very American. She had an accent?

Very thick, yeah. That's really funny. Can you do an Irish accent? Fuck, no. It's awful. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, like, she would go over and see her sisters,

and because they still lived on the same plot of land that they grew up on, and she would come back and just, like, her accent would be even more. Like, I couldn't fucking understand it. Yeah, it was insane. That's hilarious. Yeah, it was really funny. Yeah, that makes sense, though.

If you're raised around brothers, you're seeing your dad, and then your mother's like an Irish immigrant. Yeah. Like that's gonna be pretty like gritty. Yeah. Well, like it's like very apparent. You know, like I remember people would say things like your mother like when I was very young and I didn't even know what an accent was.

My friends would be like, why does your mom talk like that? Like you guys like I know. It's a funny thing to say. Does your mom have a disability? Like why is she? What's going on? I was just so weirded out by the idea of like I never know because your mother's voice is just your mother's voice. You never hear it any other way.

The mother tongue is like. It's the first thing you ever hear. Yeah. You know, like even before you know what hearing is. Like in the womb, you're just hearing. How about it? Yeah. Yeah.

But I would, I would kind of. It was so strange to me. Like, it was like, people would be like, oh, your mother talks funny. And I'd be like, she sound, to me that she would just, my mom's accent sounded like my friend Eddie's mom who was from like West Texas. Like, you know, they did just sounded the same to me. That's fine. Yeah. And now, obviously, now when I think about it, like I'm, and I'm older, I'm like,

Oh yeah, she sounds way different. But you just, it was a strange, there was like a phenomenon in the sense of like, never noticing that because it always is just the way it was. Yeah. Like, was your mom nurturing? Very. Like, I think she was like, yeah, she was like, I mean, she was a nurse, you know, like, and that was kind of, so that was part of her nature, I think, like, to give to people.

Do you feel like that impressed upon you, like, a good kind of template for like a woman that, like, you would be interested in being with? Yeah, in some ways, I think. Yeah, like, I liked, my mom was like a super hard work. I like women who were like driven and like super hard work. Like if they have their own shit going on, I find that very attractive. Of course. Yeah.

And I mean, I don't, I can't. It's, I would, if it's like, if I'm in a relationship and this is our careers and this is our relationship, it needs to be like pretty much like that. You know, like in the space. You know, and I think, I'm sure that oscillates and, like, you know, like, goes up and down. But I don't, I don't, like, want the relationship to be the only thing I'm looking forward to. Like, and, like, I think that for some women that have dated, that has been the case. Wait, what do you mean that the relationship is the only thing that looks like that?

Like, there's not a lot of space for other stuff. I see, I see, I see, yeah, see, yeah, see, yeah. You become their focus rather than like you plus a dream. Yes, yes. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, because I can't. The way I look at it is like I kind of been like pursuing this for a long time comedy and busting my fucking ass. So like in some ways the wife or the girlfriend is the new girlfriend.

Like, you know, is the new thing. Right. Not, you know, like, and not that it can't be as important like life. But it just isn't. They need to understand. You know what I? Like, yeah. And I think...

Yeah, how long have you been doing stand up for? It would be fucking 17 years this year. Wow. Yeah. So yeah, you meet someone. You've been dating for four months and they're like, hey, I need you to, you know,

spend a weekend with me or... Yeah, and that shit's okay, but it is also like... Like, my last girl, serious girlfriend, we were like getting in lots of spats about, like, being able to see each other when we could see each other and, like, spend, like, real time together.

Sure. And I was just kind of like... Hey, this is like my... my life and this is like you know like sometimes we're going to make plans and a something good for my career comes up I will have to cancel those points and I don't mean like going to do bonkers you know what I mean like something that is bigger than like a paycheck is going to be more important at this point in my life I get a supporting role in a movie yeah then going to like away for the weekend it just will be you know like and I don't think that's insane to think or

act upon. Yeah. And also it's candid. Like, I'm not like surprised, you know. Yeah, you're being up front about it. Yeah. And I, and sometimes I can use my, like,

my honesty to avoid intimacy like that. You're like, I'm for sure. But I'm also, I'm like, I don't know, in that instance, I didn't think it was crazy, you know? Mm-hmm. And how does she react to it? She, like, wasn't, like,

she wasn't hysterical or anything like that. Like, she was just like, It was really hard for her to swallow, though. I could tell it hurt her. Of course. It's like, hey, you're going to be kind of second place. Yeah, yeah. And that's fair for her.

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Yeah. Because it's like, am I going to put my kids second? or am I going to like put my career second but I've been working on this for so long? Children are different I think when they come in unique I think that would change it

quite a bit for me would you be okay with the change you think yeah I think that would be a thing like like I think I would be like this is more important like you know like I would have I mean I'm sure to have

an adjustment period or some reservations about stuff but like I don't think I think children are like, I mean, that's something you can sign up for or not. You know, like, yeah, like, it was a grown woman that I said these things to. Like, you know, like, she can pull the parachute any time she wants. Right, she's independent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a kid, I do have a sense of obligation. Yeah, like, and so I'd imagine if I had children, it would probably be pretty intense feeling. So that probably even raises the, yeah, like, to be like. The fear, because it's like, I got a lot of it. Absolutely, yeah. Like, when do you think you'll have kids? I don't know. I'm kind of open to it, I'll be honest.

Yeah? Yeah, right now. Like, married a couple years. Like, you kind of going to... Yeah, I wasn't even thinking about that stuff when I was here. Like, I was like, it's crazy. Like, what people with my friends would have kids, I'd be like, that's nuts. And I'd be like, no, that's right on schedule.

Like, yeah, yeah. That's kind of the way I see it. Like, here's a mirror. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, the way I see it is like, if I had a kid the next, like, year or two, like, like, I feel like I would be young enough to have energy to, like, do all the things I want to do. And then by the time my kid is, like, 15. 16, I'll still be going strong in comedy in my career.

Like, you know what I mean? Like, yeah. Well, you would be like, yeah, you're like even more fully an adult at that point. Like. I feel like, yeah. Patrick Bet David, actually, are you familiar with him? He's like a YouTube personality. No, I'm not.

He's like an entrepreneur guy. He's an interesting dude. He had something that I thought was pointed that my mom always kind of said in a different way, but I never really resonated until he said it. But he was basically like everything I ever learned from my parents, I saw them doing. Yeah. And there's a mentality I feel like where sometimes people say, once I have enough, then I'll have kids. Once I've achieved everything I need to do, then I'll, like, just be fully present and relax in my kids.

And I think it sometimes can create a warped perception for your children because they're like, oh, what is your dad doing? They're like, nothing. He's, he did it all. Whereas, like, for me, I saw my parents, like my dad, like, my dad, my parents, rather, like, they had their first kid when they were like 20, 21. And they had like three or four kids. and my dad was like painting like apartment buildings and like being like a handyman in an apartment. Busting his ass. Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't like a great situation, but he just figured out a way. Kind of hand, but you guys were kind of like check to check. I wasn't alive. I wasn't alive.

But like it was like leaner times financially. Yeah, it was lean. It was lean. And then he figured out a way to like make it work and support the whole family. And like I grew up in a very kind of different environment than like my older siblings. So when I grew up like we were great upper middle class. Yeah. He turned it around. That's an interesting. But I saw him like bust. bust his ass. This guy works so hard for us. And so for me, those lessons always stuck with me. And I was like, yeah, why would I not just, like, show my kids what, like, hard work looks like. That's a, yeah. I'm totally fine showing him like, oh, yeah, dad's, like, working on the weekend today.

And, like, you can come hang out and, like, learn and, you know, like, once this podcast is over, you can come see me. But I don't ever remember my dad doing that stuff. Like, being a super hard worker. Like, I remember him sitting a lot Like, so I think that's why Like, kind of like, I have a, I have a tendency to Like, I don't know, like, I don't, I don't just sit around But like, if I, I can get in a rut and sit, like, and like, kind of just stay there

So, like, yeah One of my motivations is like, don't be like your father in this way. Like, you know, like, go. That's the good lesson, though. Yeah, yes, yeah, but like it's inverted, you know, like, as opposed to like, when I think of my mom and everything, She was like work nights and then like would get you know like do all this other shit I was like Jesus Christ yeah yeah it was like when she died we did Christmas the next year we're like we're gonna do the things we did you know

like and my brother were so fucking exhausted like between like putting up Christmas shit and like you know like all this shit and then we were just looking at each other like tired like and I was like how the fuck did she even manage to do all this with three kids like Yeah, it's insane. It blew my fucking mind. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like I didn't. It was a pretty eye-opening thing for the amount of energy, like, to let me know how much the amount of energy having children takes, you know, like, in doing those things.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I don't know how she fucking did it. The benefit, I think, like, of having a lot of siblings that have kids is it kind of demystifies it. Like, I became an uncle when I was like 14, 15. Yeah. So, like, I've just been around kids, like. Are you, like, good with kids?

Like. I love kids. Yeah. They're awesome. I know how to talk to them I know how to play I don't know how to do it Well the thing I think that people miss

Is they think they have to be different I talk to children the way I'm talking to you right now Yeah I talk to them as humans They're just like underdeveloped They don't know all the same words Like I genuinely talk to them like just regular And they respond

Like kids but like They understand what we're saying Yeah I think Yeah because I don't change And I think that is the problem I'm like What do you mean you don't know I don't like

But then I like to like I don't know how old you're supposed to be When you learn this But I think you're behind Like I do You gotta check them a little bit Yeah that's good I just don't like

But like I mean with my nephew It's fun because like When they're little When they're two You know When they're little And they're like babies Well like when they're like learning to be like fun

You know like they're just kind of enamored With everything Oh that's fun Yeah I understand that because it's easier You know but like when they're like Six And they're like

Why can't we You know like I'm like I don't fucking no man I just I was told I'm like a bigger version of you right now I was told don't go outside so we're not going outside your mom said you can't eat it yeah so you can't know why yeah seems fine to me didn't tell me I couldn't eat it didn't say I couldn't eat in front of you yeah and taunt you the whole time but I have like I can't I don't read children very well like and I don't like hate them or anything you know I don't like hate being around but I just don't

I'm not somebody who takes to them right away like you know and I think part of it's because like sometimes when people like kids, I'm at their house or something and their kids are like walking up to me I'm like, how much am I allowed to like play with this kid? Like it really is kind of like weird to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because I'm like, I don't know how protective some people are over their kids or like. There's such a strange place there. That's true. That's true. People are weird. But generally here's the thing that I found. Kids love this. Okay, anytime you meet a kid, do this immediately. So hey, what's up? Can I get a high five?

Put your hand out? Yeah. Move it away. You can do that for three. The second you do that, the kid goes, this is an adult, that's cool. I'm going to play with this guy. He's awesome.

So if I do like the thumb trick, though, like... The thumb trick is a little tricky because sometimes they don't get it and it also depends on your sleight of hand. But generally, you can miss a kid's high five pretty easily, all right? They're pretty slow. But you can put your hand out, boom, give me a high five, move it. Say, too slow. Give it to me again.

Move it. You're not even touching the kid. Do they start crying and shit? They love it. They're excited. They're like, finally an adult that's willing to, like, be fun with me. It's not just another adult that's like being like, like, a, like, like, talking in a baby voice.

I don't know. That's what I do. I'm like, I try that for a minute. I'm like, hello. You know, and then like, I'm like, I don't, and then I get to like where I am right pretty quickly. I'm like, he's sound like a fucking asshole. You want a beer?

Come on. Yeah, I die. I'll try and find a little space with him. Yeah. No, dude, I'm telling you, next time he's your nephew. Yeah. Take the hand away. Fake high five trick.

He's, like, too old now for that, I think, because he's like 11 or 12. Yeah, like, he's like. Yeah, that's a little. Yeah, yeah, but like... That's a little old. Yeah. He was real cute and now he's like...

He's going to the pew range. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a little like... The showers are getting longer is what I'll say. It's a weird thing because I always think about having kids, but I never think about having like teenagers. You know what I mean? That seems fucking horrible.

That part is the thing I'm worried. Dude, if I had a teenage girl... Now? What we're talking about? Just... The idea of it... When I look back, I'm still friends. with some of the women I was friends with when I was in high school.

And they were like pretty good girls for them. Like they were wild but not evil. Yeah. And I look back at it and I'm like, they were under like, not I want to say under assault, but like constantly just guys being all like very intent. Yeah, yeah.

And now with fucking phone, like. Yeah, it's wild. I mean, like, like, like, like, my niece is grown now and she has probably sent like you know like flirty text and DMs to go like shit that I would be like it would freak me out but like it's also

completely human and fine yeah yeah yeah but you know I held her as a fucking young and it's weird yeah yeah yeah but that's the thing I actually I've I noticed that growing up with so many sisters like they would just talk about how like mean guys were and how like creepy guys were like just constantly growing up And it's not like they were anti-dude. Yeah, but like they'd be like, oh, yeah, this guy, like,

15-year-old boy behavior is not okay. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, my sister would come home and be crying and be like, this guy I thought really liked me. And then, like, we hooked up and then he never talked to me again. Yeah. And broke my heart.

And I'm like, oh, that's bad to do. Yes, because you know you love your sister. Why would some guy do this to her? Yeah. It blew my mind. Like, why would you hurt my sister? Like, and so from a young age, that's why, like, I never really hooked up through, like, high school. I was never like

If you were like, if you were sleeping with someone, you were like actually like dating them. I never even really did. Like I was like very cautious around like sex in general. And so when I met my wife, my girlfriend at the time, I was like 17, 18. And I was just like, you seem awesome. You seem like you're to be

like an amazing wife. You're super fun to hang out with. You're pretty and you're going to be an amazing mom. So like... Were you in college or high school when you guys? High school. Okay. So I was like, you're just like the total package. Like there's no reason that I would need to meet someone else. So I was like, let's just ride this out to, like, graduate and see what happens. And then literally, like, my last semester I proposed, of college.

Yeah? So I was like, yeah, let's do it. But, yeah, it was like... Could you guys go to college together, too? No. Different high schools, different colleges. Yeah. Where'd she go to school?

She went to UNF in Jacksonville, Florida. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And so she went there for a little bit, and then graduated from UCF in Orlando. Okay. Became a nurse and then became a midwife. Oh, she's a nurse in my mom's field. Really?

Yeah, she was a midwife, too, yeah. She was a midwife. Yeah, she did that as well. Yeah, like she was midwife and then, you know, like, she midwifed our end, and then she became a nurse practitioner. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Mostly in a hospital or was she doing like homebirth?

She did homebirth when she was very young, but like she nursed in Europe for a little bit too. Oh, cool. So I think she was also like, if I remember correctly, she worked for one family where she nannied and was also because she had like medical expertise. is like she helped with a birth and like that kind of so and she was like she was a midwife she did some hospital stuff too I'm sure but then she like she always was in labor and delivery and obstinatory interesting yeah yeah were you born at home uh no no no I was born at uh Harris medical yeah yeah that's at the hospital yeah yeah yeah were you good at school no no I was not academic at all

right did you like to read yes yeah I did but um I also, uh, I like, I go through gaps with reading. You know, like, like I,

sometimes I'm pretty voracious and then like, I'll just be like, I can't. You know, it takes a little more energy. Yeah. But I know it's better for my brain. It's like exercise for me.

Yeah. Like I am better and clear and think better when I'm, uh, when I'm reading a lot. And, you know, like my, like,

I can even tell like in my act when, like, because that's where I put a lot of my thoughts, like how much stronger it gets. And it's because I've been, like, you know, feeding my brain good things. Yeah. Yeah.

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trying to pursue a dream? Um, not to my face. You know, like, I know, like, some people would say shit. Like,

they'd be like, they were talking shit about, you know, it's like, I could give a fuck. These losers can stay in this fucking, like, like, yeah.

But I know, like, some people who are, like, my friends would be like, that's fucking never gonna work out. Like, like, would say shit like that to other friends.

I'm like, well, we'll fucking, we'll see, motherfucker. You know, like, I know what's not going to work out for me is, like, staying at my parents' house. Yeah. So, I would say, yeah, and then some people, like, you know, I think everyone gets a little shit talked about them, especially in our field.

Mm-hmm. You know, like, so you don't. I think it's still happened. Yeah. Like, I think, like, even though I'm still, like, pursuing and doing well, I think amongst my peers in comedy, some people, you know, maybe like, he's doing great or he's not doing great. You know, like, they say things. So I think it always happens because you're pursuing something that is so,

it can be very here and gone, but it's also very malleable. So like when it's in your hands and you have things going, it's in your moment to shape it. You know, like, so when you have momentum and stuff, I think that's the important thing to think about when you're like still running. Because this is like constantly running down a dream. You know, like, we get access and we do better and better and things go better and better and you move in better directions and you, like, are further along than you ever think you were going to be. So I, when you're pursuing these dreams, well, I'm not good at appreciating the moment.

I do recognize that it is value, like, that what I have is valuable and how I turn it in, what I turn it into next is very important. Yeah. I'm not good at enjoying it, but I, you know, do recognize the value of the moment. Yeah. Yeah. When do you think you'd be like, like, settled? Do you think there will ever be a thing,

or do you think the goal post always moves? Do you think about that? I have an idea of what it looks like. I don't like, you know, there's not like a number or an age attached to it, really. Like a thing or anything like that. But I have an idea of what it looks, it definitely looks more like,

I can do things on my terms when I want them, as opposed to now when like opportunities arise, I have to go. And like do it. Yeah. That's what I think. What about you? Do you see yourself slow?

I mean, you're younger than me. Yeah. Do you see yourself slowing up? Or do you enjoy the moments as I come in? I try my best to enjoy them. I spent a lot of time like focusing on being able to enjoy them. I got pretty lucky just in general like with all of this.

So I spend more time kind of just like being grateful for the luck. Yeah. I spent a little bit of time being like fearful and kind of like like I guess like feeling like an imposter for a while. And then I kind of just turned that imposter feeling into just gratitude. Just being like, this is so cool. Yeah.

Like, I felt almost guilt for being lucky. Because you, like, because you've had kind of like a... Yeah, just like... I don't really know your, like, your point of acceleration. Like, I just, uh, I was doing stand-up in, like, right in college, right when I graduated high school.

Okay. And started, like, right away and just, like, kind of found, like, mild success, like in my little scene in Orlando. Okay, yeah. Getting booked regularly. And, and, having like really good sets and like I was I was really fond of stand-up growing up like my dad would play it non-stop okay

house like I was just like from a young age like at the age of like 14 or 15 you were getting a lot of comedy in your brain I was just like yeah I'm gonna do stand-up in my life yeah like by a young age so like by the time I was like 18 I was doing it and then by the time I was like 19 20 it was like going pretty good like I was like getting booked I was featuring like I was like 20 25 minutes I was like good yeah yeah I felt good and then right by the time I graduated high school I met up with Andrew Schultz. So I hosted for him in Orlando and then we went to IHOP until 5 in the morning and you just kind of became like you guys just hit it off and you go in the right space. Yeah. That's not like and but you've been doing Santa for eight years, nine years.

Yeah. That's not that crazy. Like it's just, you just started very young. You know, like in the length of time, I mean like you're coming up on a decade already. You know, like it's not, I don't think that's. And some of those early. I mean, you're fortunate to have started young and found some good success young, especially not starting in New York or L.A., you know. But that's not crazy. You're just young. Like, you know, it's not like you're two years in and you're doing all these massive rooms just because some guy likes you. Sure, sure, sure. There's like, you have a, you have a resume. Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. But still, I'm like 27 and I'm doing Scotia Bank Arena and Toronto. Like, it's crazy. Yeah, I mean, doing those big rooms is like insane. You know, like I do them with

Burt, like, you know, the same kind of things. And then getting paid. to do it. I genuinely thought... If you're paying your rent, telling jokes... It's insanity. It is banana. And that's what I do tell myself, and I'm like, I can always appreciate that. Especially from my town. Like, Orlando's like, it's not a bad place, but like, I just didn't know anyone that did anything interesting.

Yeah, same thing in Fort Worth. Everyone had a regular job, which is cool. But, like, everyone, like, sold insurance. They, like, worked at a, you know, a construction job. Yeah, they had a gig that was like a nine-to... My wealthy friends, like, their parents, maybe were, like, doctors. or something, but, like, it was all jobs that you'd heard of. For sure. I never mess with them that was, like, a musician.

No, I didn't. I never knew anyone that was in a band. I didn't either. You know what I mean? Like, I wanted to pursue those things from the moment I found, like, art. Yeah, like. But you were drawn to art from a young age. Yeah, yeah.

I always liked music. Always liked music. Loved comedy. I read a lot. Do you think people underestimate you? Like, in terms of, like, sophistication? I don't know if they underestimate me. me or they're just incredibly accurate

I don't know man I think do you ask that because you think I have like an underdog kind of tone to me both I think I'm taking no offense when you say this yeah I think both one you are just based off listening to like podcasts you had done like I'd seen your stand up and I had seen you around

New York and I was like this guy's obviously really funny but I didn't realize how much depth there was I feel like to you as a human until I started listening to your pods and like even just this conversation now. I was like there's a like a, like a, both like a deep-seated like interest in like art and like reading

and like there's an awareness about the world. And like I feel like you're like more in touch with things than I think maybe like people would get from like your stand-up because your stand-up energy is just like so fun and like silly. Thank you. And then also I think there is like a little bit of like a motive of motivation underneath all of it. For sure that. I want to prove people wrong.

Yeah, I do feel like that's part. of me and it gets me going, you know? I guess... When people meet you, do they ever say, oh, you're smarter than I thought? Things like that. I don't...

I think sometimes they think that, you know, I think sometimes they think that. But you know, like, you know what a public persona is on stage and then like a conversation is, are two different things. Sure. You know, like, you're an amplified version of yourself to some degree up there,

and you're an amplified version of your funding self up there. You know, like, I don't, um, I think when it comes to my comedy, I tend to write from a, like, a, emotional place. Like, something that makes me resonate with emotion or it's like a very clear feeling. Like, yeah, well, like, um, like in the, in the new special, I have that line about, like, when my girlfriend and I, ex-girlfriend and I broke up, she said things that were so, mean, I could tell she'd been thinking about them for a while. That was like a very real moment. You know, like, so like, that's the space I try.

I don't want to write just about her knowing that. And me knowing that about our relationship. But like, I want to write about the space of like, why would she stick around for this long if she was already thinking these horrible, like these mean things. That's interesting. You know, like, that's a place to think about writing from. And sometimes it's not funny. You know, like, and it doesn't turn into jokes.

and sometimes it does. Are you actually writing pen to paper? Do you only work outstage? I write a pen to paper. Really? I do both, but I write pen to paper. I always need a notebook because I won't remember. My memory is kind of shit.

So if I think of like, that's funny, like I need to put it down. And then like I try and get, you know, like a couple hours a week, you know, like anywhere between two and six typically to like dedicate it to like working stuff out on paper. Yeah. And sometimes it's a lot more. here lately it's been a feeling a lot more like two because my energy is going to other things but like

I think writing on stage is great if you can do it but I think sometimes it is fucking extremely masturbatory and like some people are up there just fucking pulling away and it's like it's like I get it man like that's how you write but you're asking a lot of your audience right now to like sit in here and as you mine poorly for for jokes like that's not people fucking get sitters

You know, like they do think. Like, this is part of their evening. You have an obligation to them. You know, like, they didn't pay 20 bucks to see you not do this well. You know, like, and I, like, process is process, and we make things how we make them. Like, but I do think you ask a lot,

you know, like, if you're going to do 15 minutes and you don't have anything just ideas, no jokes, just ideas that you're going to go on, I think five of those minutes should be like good material. Like, and then 10 minutes. It should be like you trying to be finding a place and energy, like for your new stuff, because you deserve that too, but I don't. And I also think it makes it better for, they're more willing to go with you in these spaces when you have five minutes of a good act up front. And then your next 10 is like you finding out the space of these new jokes.

And you're entitled to it, but I don't fucking, that's a lot, man. If you don't, you know, because you've seen it. And like, and by the way, I have been guilty of this at times. like just dragging people through 15 minutes. That's fucking awful. You know? And then I'm like, they fucking sucked. And you're like, ah!

You know, like maybe you're fucking like, how come I can't figure out how to lace my shoes bit the right way? It's not fucking brilliant. Yeah, yeah. No, that's interesting. So you'll just write out ideas and kind of free-for-off. Yeah, and like I used to do like word bubble like stuff too. Like because like sometimes I'll like, for me it typically starts like,

here's the idea. right and it's in this bubble here and then I'm like and the idea is for example I'll just do it with a joke that I've never really gotten quite to work but like I had a joke for the first ever undercover cop like I always thought it was a funny thing because they were probably very bad at it because they no one had ever done it before so you don't have a map on how to do this so I would like this is first undercover cop here and then this I'd have a like a little bow like a little spider weapon just be like well who would they like how would you start this? even. And you know, I'd be like, and then you go, well, like, and it kind of like, and I would just kind of write all these webs out. And then eventually it got to a point where like, being the first undercover cop would be weird and strange. But the amount of betrayal, the first criminal busted by the first undercover cop must have felt. That's funny. Yeah, like, so that's like how it goes in my head. But if I tried to do that on stage without having a clear delineation, I would be mining forever. You know, just kind of quiet with some chuckles for 10 minutes.

Yeah, yeah, like, and so like, and the process is valuable, but that's like what, you know, like open mics for, bar shows are for, you know, like if I'm doing 15 minutes at the cellar or any of the other clubs where I'm getting money in my hand at the end of the night, I owe them a little bit. Yeah. And I don't nail it every time. I don't want to act like I'm some fucking, you know, I always walk a straight line, but that's what I think. Yeah, like, and it's like, and you should be, like, some people, like, write on stage and are maestro's on stage. Right. Eddie Pepitone is maybe like the greatest person ever at that. Roy Scoble's brilliant at that.

But can you imagine like as brilliant as Maria Bamford is? Can you imagine her trying to just mine out? A million jokes on stage without like, without having prepped it in some way before. That would be what would you have to go? You know, like yeah. That's fucking nuts, man. Yeah, that's interesting.

And yeah, if you're doing like a legit show with like an audience. You're at the cellar on Saturday night. And there's all these checks. There's different variables to all of it. But that's how. But I need to be in the book a little bit. When did you get past at the cellar? Four or five years ago now, probably, yeah.

Do you remember auditioning? Yeah. How was it? It's brutal. Why? Because I had to follow Greer. I had to follow Greer, man. I got my fucking ass kicked.

Like, I got through it, but like, I mean, he did 15 minutes and, like, blew the top off. Because Greer can, like, he's explosive. So it's, you know, he just went nuts and everyone's losing their fucking minds. And then I got to go up there with my kind of energy. It's a different shift. So how do you feel you're standing in there? Who vows for you? Sean Patton put me through.

I did a pre-audition at New Jokes. And then Liz liked it. And she was like, hey, can you audition this night? And I was like, I'm gone, but I can do this night? or something like that and then I was like and I felt even weird about that at that moment

just being like no I can't do the night you're asking yeah yeah and she was like it's cool like try this night and I was like great and then I walked up

talked to SD and she was like this is how you do you'll go on after Greer and I was like for fuck's sake and she go but you know

they set you up when I did it it was Friday or Saturday night I can't remember which but it was 8 o'clock you know it was like a good spot good show

they're not they want you to fucking you're getting the five minutes because you know like I want to say a jump through hoops is not the right way but like Liz saw me and she was like well you can do five minute you know like and then

SD like she was just sitting back there watching I could see her shadow so it was like being scared in my room in the middle of the night you know like you know like you have like dreams when you're a little kid like you can just you'll just see like a shadowy figure she's just sitting there like you know this woman is, you know, like five foot five, but she looked like 10 feet tall to me in that moment. And she watched like half of it.

And then like I saw her leave and I was like, well, I kind of had this thing of like, if it doesn't go, it doesn't go. Like I was like, I knew I was having a very good set in that moment. So I was like, if the bar is higher than this, it's like, okay. You know, like, you know, like, if the bar is higher than this for me, it's okay. And then, but it wasn't, you know, she was like, you did great, your past, and that was it, you know. And then Todd Barry and Greg Stone, and I think somebody else came down and watched from the back of the room. So I think that kind of helped, too, that she was like, oh, these season guys are like Todd is, you know, is such a pro. I think it kind of helped her be like, well, you know, like somebody, Sean avowed, and like somebody had been like, okay, well, I want to want to.

watch him audition. You know, like, I know, they knew me a little bit. So that was, I think that kind of, like, I don't know if that sway's her opinion, but, like, you know, it's better to have, like, veterans on your side wanting you to do well than not. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So where are you working in the city right now? Like, New York Comedy Club. Yeah. The most, like, in Brooklyn, like, doing, like, old man hustle. Okay, yeah, yeah. That's cool room. And then a lot of, like, independent shows, like, Sesh.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, you're in all the right rooms right now, you feel like. Right now, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like you're, you just like, you're like, obviously you want to get the other ones on your roster. Yeah, the seller's the big one. Yeah, that way for everyone, dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But just that audition process just seems intimidating. It is, but it's also, it's not impossible, you know, and it's like, you have to take it, like, as seriously, as an opportunity as it is. Like, you know, like, I think some people will probably, like, go in there and get it. who maybe don't prep as hard as other people and stuff. That's not really fine by me, but it is definitely a thing that happens. Or, you know, like, some people are just like, I got it. You know, I'll be fine.

And it's like, and some people do get it. And some people don't like. Yeah. But you just do it. Like, it doesn't matter. Like, it's your opportunity. Like, that's one of those things, like, it's big. You know, like, it's the best club in the world, in my opinion.

And it's the best place to do stand-up in a club setting and maybe the best place in the world to do stand-up comedy. In my opinion, I think it is. So you go and you're like, I can't believe I'm here. There's pictures of Robin Williams everywhere. You know, like that kind of shit. Yeah. But then you also like, it kind of helps me to be like, I'll look at a calendar and I'll be like, well, I'm definitely funnier than that person.

You know, like I have to like, I nag my way into confidence. Yeah, yeah. What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick. because it's 2024. And it's time to talk about something important. When you are seriously hurt, your injury could be worth millions.

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I don't know. That's a good question. Were you nervous before the special table? Not ready to do it. Not nerve. More like, you know, when you played sports and you're like, I have this energy, I need to get it out. That was more, that's the special. That was more, what?

Yeah. When I was on, I did Burt's, like, arena tour, and we were in St. Louis. And Saifa was like, what do you want me? say when I bring you up and I was like oh just tell me I'm Tom's the girl and he was like are you serious I was like yeah do it and like they got so loud I was like this might have been a horrible mistake like so that's probably like the most nervous I've been in a while like walking out to that reward they were they were fucking not for you yeah how'd the set go pretty good honestly yeah I kind of like they were I was like I dug in on

and we kind of like pushed back and, you know, like, they were like, some of them were genuinely upset, because it was like 15,000 people or some shit? Was Tom there? No. Oh, he wasn't even there? No. Oh, hilarious. Yeah.

So you literally just. Fuck him. I'm gonna get in trouble. Like, you know, like, you know, like, I wouldn't do it if I thought professionally it was going to, like, make everyone else's night worse or anything like that. But I fucking, who gives a fuck? What a bird thing? I don't even know if he knows if I did it.

You know, like, you know, like, I think Chad Daniels was, like, losing his mind. And, like, it was fun to me to do that to people. Yeah. Because, like, in my mind, I was, like, on that bill of all those people who are, like, you know, varying levels of fame, I was like, well, I got to do something to stick out. You know, like, because, like, I was getting earlier sets in the, you know, like, I was lower bill, which, whatever, that's a thing. So I was like, so when I was billed, you know, like, when I was going up like fourth one, and I was like, let's fucking like hit him in the mouth and see what happens. You know, like I have this, I have the opportunity here.

There's enough people after me that this is going to get cleaned up no matter what. Like I'm not creating a turd for the rest of the show and I'm not getting it off to a bit. It's fine. And where you have a bad set. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And other people can like, somebody can go up and throw me under the bus if they need to. Yeah.

Yeah. How is it being on the road with Bert? It's the best, man. He's like, he's so sweet. How'd you meet him in the first place? We met in St. No, Seattle? He wasn't bringing out features yet,

and he was like doing okay in his career for sure at this point, but he had not, you know, blown up yet. He was like still in clubs? Yeah, yeah. And we met once and we were like, we hung out a little bit, and then we just happened to get paired up together again in St. Louis.

And like we spent more of the weekend together, They were like hanging out and like drinking and talking about comedy and stuff. And then things were moving in the right direction for him. And we just kind of kept being friendly, you know? And then like it just went that way. It just like was like it was pretty easy. You know, like. And then he was doing, I think, his first Netflix special.

And he messaged me as I hey, do you want to open for me on my special? And I said, yeah, I'd love to, man. Just tell me what you need. You know? And then we just kind of kept going in that way. And that was probably. that was probably six or seven years ago now were you with him in the clubs when he was doing the tip lottery for the waitstaff

I've seen him do that that's such an awesome thing yeah oh he's the best like he like yeah I've seen him explain how that works like from what I I can't I've seen him do it so but I haven't been one of them a ton when he's done it but I've seen somebody be like it was kind of like um If I remember correctly, he was like being like, I'm putting this much down, so match this money, you guys. Like, you know, and we'll give it to one staff member who's got like a, the right ticket number or whatever, you know, like, and it would like make people's weekend, you know, like.

It's a lot of money. Yeah, these people would walk out with more than rent, you know, like sometimes. So, like, I thought that was like, he's very good at eventizing things, you know, like, for lack of a better word. And like, I think Lee Ann told me. that. He knows how to do that well. It's one of his gifts. I'm like, I'm like fucking,

do not touch me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your wedding day is just in a courthouse. It'll be, actually I really like wedding, so it might be a, if I get married,

it'll be one of those wild, it'll probably be a big mess. Yeah, that's far. Yeah, yeah. Jump in the lake with your clothing. Yeah, I will do something a little. I'll be like, I don't want this to be boring. Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah, but he did, I mean, We were Madison, and I think the waitress won like four or five grand or something like that. Like something crazy, you know? Yeah, it's wild. And she was like crying on stage because she was like, I had like, she'd had a horrible, like, couple weeks. You know, like, so this was like a good thing. Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's so cool. That's just such an awesome story. I remember hearing about that the first time. It's valuable. It's valuable to like. He's like, hey, we're going to pass a tip jar around for the waitstaff and whatever you put in, I'll match it. Yeah, somebody will like.

Somebody will like... And then like, apparently he... I heard a story where he gave it to one person and some guy, the audience was like, let's do another one. And so they gave it to like another stat... Like, they gave it to like three different like servers. Yeah.

And like gave them all like a couple grand. Like it was like crazy. Yeah. Well, it's also like what you can do... You know, those people that gave that money are not going to miss it. Yeah. Yeah, which is also like...

And like it's what he's yielding like his celebrity with to do a good thing. You know, I remember like at one point... he was doing meet and greets but he didn't want to like charge what a lot of people will charge for meet and greets because it can get pretty fucking pricey

you know some people will charge a lot and he was like I'm just going to charge him like $5 a ticket and like whoever's numbers get pulled he just would put it in his Instagram story and be like these are the numbers that are being pulled tonight for the meet and greet and it would be like 20 or 30 people or something like that

and they would all but all they would have to do is spend five bucks and then he would donate the money to something like so like it was like one of these things but you could buy as many as you wanted obviously but I remember thinking like oh that's like an easy way to do it like he's just like I don't need to charge

I don't know I mean I've heard upwards of people charging 150 bucks to do meat and greets yeah and like you get a handshake and a picture and talk for a two minutes yeah if that yeah and it's like man you're allowed to cash in how you want but

feels a little weird just a little bit much yeah that's one thing I always about about Schultz like up until we got us like big big venues like he would do a picture for free with every person

that came to the show I think that's the way you have to be yeah like he was doing three shows on a Saturday yeah and just every show like the show this next show would start a little late

because he's like I'm taking a picture with every person I can't throw yeah you have a fan forever with that shit yeah like he was just so grateful he's like I came up so long trying trying to make it work

and now the people are coming out like who might and not say hot. And you know they love that you know and it gives it it's like it is hard when you're having people like the only thing I really don't like about that is because like I do

take pictures with everyone that ask and like do shake hands with everyone if I get anxiety if there are like 20 people online and one person is talking to me so much that they can't like they're stalling the line out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And sometimes to a point of being like, hey, I want to hear what you have to say, but I do not want to give these other people waiting too long, so will you hang out for a minute? Or what, you know, like, I try and do it because, like, I can't, you know, like, you're obligated to give them the show and the time, for sure that you're on stage.

You're supposed to give them something great. Yeah, those are they paid for. Yeah. And if you want to give them more than that, that's fine, too. But, like, I can, that is more on my terms of, like, I want to shake everyone's hands to talk to them, but if you think you're going to have, like, my ear for a half hour

and like at the expense of other people's times that's a little like yeah that's where I get very hairy yeah yeah that makes sense I've seen that people have done that to me a little bit yeah and I always be like hey hit me up on Instagram if you want to talk like you can send me a deal yeah you gotta just find a way to pull the parachute on them yeah and then not that they're they're not dicks typically usually they're maybe have a couple of drinks in them or something

yeah and it's like it is fine but like you need to understand like everybody else is hanging out for the same reason you are yeah you know and I think with the way people meet us now through like podcast and socials and stuff. We do have this like kind of one-sided relationship with them where they listen to us a lot of the, you know, like. So they know everything about you.

Yeah, and that's great. I don't, like, that's what I'm willing to share. But you don't know them. Yeah, and that's, I don't, it's not even that I don't want to get to know them, but I do want them to know, like, they're not the only one who might have an expectation of me. And that's, and it's not even that it's unreasonable,

but it is. Yeah, it's tricky. it is like I got you know I kind of like I want to feed everyone like as much as I can

Especially when you're a tour Like hurt or something Yeah and it's like It's like And my shows do well On the road Like my own shit stuff does well But that I

What that scale is fucking Yeah It's insane Like yeah Like you look at what they have to do And I'm like fucking That's crazy What do you have

What was the What was the hardest you laugh Do you think Being on tour with Bert Oh That's a good question I'll also settle For just a funny story

I don't one time like I'm a fucking pretty bad golfer I'm getting better but like we've gone golfing like or to like top golf at a couple of different places and it's like hysterical how bad I am and like I remember the second time we went I like went up to the bay to like you know like swing or whatever and I just like I was like hold on and I just like look I knew Bert would have his camera out. And I was just like, because they know it's going to be bad. You know? So like, I kind of just had this. And he just like, he couldn't stop laughing that I knew he was going to do it. And so I remember that was very funny to me because I was like, oh, I am right. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I know what's coming here. But that, I enjoyed that a bit. Yeah. But there's always like, we lose it a lot. You know, like, it's always kind of happening. Well, you know those balance boards, like, there'll be a flat board and there'll be like a ball underneath that sphere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were all working out, and it was like one of these balance boards that we were supposed to like do something on.

They're like, yeah, you can't fall off of it. It's fine. And I fucking, dude, I bid it so goddamn hard. The board like shot. Like, if someone had been in the way of this board, they would have been hurt. It would have died. Yeah, they would have been hurt very bad. Cut in half.

It shot out and like I fucking landed on my hip like loud like and we were all like we were like reading the board like yeah it says you cannot fall off of this thing yeah that's pretty yeah yeah and you feel it really oh yeah yeah and I just like had this fucking huge welp on my fucking hip and everything yeah and no disrespect but what made you think you were going to be able to balance on this thing no disrespect yeah no disson I know it sounds disrespectful it told me I I would be able wouldn't fall You know

Like I told you that The board It says it It's a sales tactic Yeah For sure I mean I know that now But like

Fuck me for taking Something Yeah I mean that's brutal Yeah it was funny I mean But like we all laugh But it was like

Bert like Like he just Like There's those moments You know They go a lot How many people Is this in front of

There were probably five of us Six of us It's not so about it You know It's not like a But I those kind of things, I think. But yeah, like, they all stick.

I wonder what it is for him. You know, like, are you, like, when you're Wood Schultz, like, what's the most, like, do you guys, like, do you guys do a bus together or no? No, never bus. Yeah. Never bus. It's always fly in shows that we can fly back Sunday.

Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, it's a good time. Yeah. It's a good time. That is one thing that, like, Schultz. But you guys will stay in the city, typically. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And then we'll find something to do depending, like, once the venues get really. really big, like the call time, we're getting there, like, four. You know what I mean? Like, we're, there's not really much time in the day. Yeah, no, like, you're like... We're waking up at 11 or 12, working out, going to eat, and going to the venue by 4. Yeah. So it's like, there's not...

So you guys are... Yeah, we're... Yeah, you spend a lot of downtime in the tour bus, like... Yeah, and, like, we also, like, end up at the venue, you know, like, so it's like... You just wake up, and, like, you know, if you're doing the arenas, you're like, they all have gyms for the most parts. Oh, really? Yeah, so...

Yeah. So, like, you know, yeah. So, like, you'll work out there. Or if they don't have a gym, if it's, like, an older place. Like, Birch usually got some stuff underneath the bus, like a rowing machine and a couple other things. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, we'll do that.

And then, like, I box, so I'll bring, I'll bring, like, if I'm up before everyone, I try to, like, I'll find a gym locally. Are you a good boxer? I think I'm good for where I train and how I do. Like, yeah, like, but I'm not, like. Do you ever spar with your brother? Because he's like, he's an amateur boxer, right? He was more of a bro- Like that, oh, in the bit, yeah

He did like, MMA makes martial arts stuff I say amateur boxer Because it's just an easier float Yeah, yeah But he, I mean, he hasn't done that in years So like, and he lives in Texas But like we definitely spar when we were kids, you know

But now I spar I'll train, I train, like if I'm home Four or five days a week at the boxing Oh really? Yeah, yeah And I'll probably spar Once or twice a month

Yeah You're sparring once or twice a month Yeah Yeah, about that. So you're pretty nice. I'm okay. But like, I'm like also, but like, you know, like to give it a very good fair representation, it's like, it's control. You know, like, I'm not going in with some fucking meat eating, like, wily prospect.

But you could beat up in a boxing match most comedians. Yeah, but what does that mean? I'm just saying it up. How many comedians do you think are as tough as they pretend to be? Thank you. Six. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say six.

Out of the 90,000 we had. Me and five others. Do you... No, I've never been to fight. No? I never saw the point in fighting. I was like, this is a whole thing. It's just a place to put something.

Yeah. For me, like, that's where I get out. We were talking earlier about, like, my anger and stuff. That's where a lot of it, I go into a better... I can put that out physically there, you know? Yeah. And even, I don't even mean, like, sparring, but, like, if I just go, like, if I do a few miles on the treadmill or something like that, I'll be like, okay, that's, like, there's some relief from... being mad because I had to go through China town on this like diverted train or whatever.

Is there anything that's been annoying you this past like two days? It's something you could think that you're like, you know what? I'm pissed off about this thing and then the immediate. I'm sure. Oh. Um, I saw my ex-girlfriend with her new boyfriend at a show, which is fine. Like, we are fine. You know?

At a show? They're a comedian as well. Oh, wow. And they're funny. They're a good comic. But, or X, whatever we were, you know, but it was kind of like one of these things.

Like, it was very fast and fun. And then it, like, dipped fast. So it seems a little, uh, not quite fully resolved, even though it's fine.

So that was a little like, I was on stage and I saw, like, her resting her head on his shoulder. And it was like, wow, you're on stage? Yeah,

which is fine. Like, you know, but it's like, it's not. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's not. It's not. It's not. but it's also like... It is nothing wrong but it's one of those things that like it did ring in me and I was like,

fuck. And I was like having a scale of one to 10 like 7, 5, 8 set pretty good. But I wanted to be like fuck this should be a 10 right now. You know what I mean?

Like yeah, yeah. And the second you gotta say she jumps in your arms. Yeah, yeah. And then I drop her. I'm like fuck him. Fall off. You're gonna fall like I did off that

goddamn board. Yeah. But I don't so that like irked me and then when she was leaving it was obviously like a little bit of an awkward goodbye. Like very cordial and fine. Yeah.

But I was like, all right, it was nice to see you. You know, like, and I gave her a spot on the show and everything. You know, like we were fine. But because like my buddy wasn't able to make it, like I had a special. My friend was in town where I was performing. I'm trying to give her some anonymity in this. Sure. And he was like, I can't make the guest in.

I was like, it's totally fine. And then I was like, I went to her. I was like, do you want to do this spot instead? And she was like, that'd be really nice. I'm like, great. Yeah, you know, like, so it is fine. It is professional. But it is, it was one of those things that I saw.

I was like, man, this didn't like end the way I wanted. And it kind of like was irked by a lot. You know what I mean? Like, but I'm just trying to be the bigger, bigger person. And maybe not even bigger, but like do the right thing. Yeah, you know, like. And like. Moral high ground.

Yeah. Well, and to share it with them. You know what I mean? Like, because I think, you know, like, if I'm being completely candid, I think she did a couple of things that I was like, well, that's not exactly what we agreed on. You know, like she found some wiggle room for herself, I guess, and that's okay. But it is one of those things like I did feel a little duped by her, you know? And so I kind of, I'm like, it's okay.

Like, I don't have to be nice to everyone, but I'm going to be nice to this person. And like, you know, kind of practice a little bit of doing things the right, like the right, even better than the right way. That's great. It's great practice, right? Yeah, because there's also been times in my life where I have not done that and gone completely the other way. It's like an old, like, I forget what it is, like an old proverb, but like a grudge or anger

is just holding onto a coal. Yeah, and it only burns you. The tighter you grip it. Yeah, like there's a, and the best revenge is living well. You know, like, is what people say. Just dropping the coal, moving on. Yeah. And then she was like, how you been, what's going on with you?

And I was like, oh, good, I've been working on. She's like, anything new? And I told her, like, a couple of things. She was like a little like That's great I didn't know that That's great I didn't know that And I was like yeah it's going You know like and

Told her stuff that was true But it was also nice for her to see It was nice to see her Happy and impressed by it You know like yeah So like there's not But it like it That fucking irked me

Just looking back It was like this fucking tall fuck Yeah He was good looking guy too I was like yeah god Yeah Betty's not funny like me I know who is

Well I I hope you keep getting your heartbroken because then you're going to keep on making great special. Oh, thanks, man. Just like the blue-eyed Mexican, which is out now on YouTube. It's very funny. Thank you on my channel and Burtz. Yeah, I really enjoyed it. Yeah, thanks, man.

This was fun. And this combo was great. I'd love to have you back. I'd love to be back. Yes, this is like nice, dude. If I was drinking right now, I'd be all in it. Oh, yeah, we got some bud lights over there. Do you drink?

A little bit. A little bit, but not. Not too cool. You don't look like you drink like a lot of, like, not like I did when I was 26. When I'm, I'll have like a night. That's the best That is the best way to do it I have a night once in a month

Yeah yeah That's the best way to like Do it for a reason And not habitually The boys are in town Whatever you're staying out till 5 in the morning And I'm sleeping all day the next day Yeah give

Giving your Sunday To Saturday night is okay In that occasion Exactly that's what I do Last night I was just like It's Tuesday Yeah

Yeah like I gotta get out the habitual Drinking thanks for having me Yeah of course bro I appreciate coming by Let's do it again My hat matches your mind microphone. Look at that.

Yeah. You are so aesthetic at this place right now. Yeah, this is, I fit in. We got to redo it now, no, you have the Beanie on. This was fucking fun, man.