Camp Gagnon - History’s Pettiest Wars: Pastry War, Stray Dog War, & Bird Poop War

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

🚨 Don't Forget To Rate Us 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟Were these geopolitical tensions really necessary? Today, we go back in time and cover some of the pettiest geopolitical standoffs between different countries over trivial issues: an island made up entirely of bird sh*t, a French baker who sought property damages from abroad, and some knockoff Vincent Van Gogh. WELCOME TO CAMP! 🏕️Shoutout to our sponsor: Morgan & Morgan, Bluechew and Magic SpoonMagicSpoon: https://magicspoon.com/camp👕🧢 GET YOUR CAMP DRIP HERE: https://campgoods.co/🏕️ Get The Daily Today In History Email Here (Free): https://camp.beehiiv.com/TIMESTAMP: 0:00 Intro3:15 The War of Jenkins Ear12:12 The Pastry War of 18:57 The War of The Stray Dog28:36 War of The Golden Stool35:37 The Football War + Mark Played Soccer In Honduras45:46 No Más Papi Por Favor47:05 U.S. and U.K’s Pig War51:27 The Fight Over Bird Sh** + Greek Statue Baddies1:00:55 The Toledo Dispute1:05:37 Ranking The Dumbest Wars

War, mankind's most tragic and stupid folly. Dwight Eisenhower said that, and he would know he was a general during World War II. Now, sure, that war, maybe that one was justified, but most of them, they're pretty stupid. And no need at all to mention the war. Bill Marshall, Lord Weevil has abandoned military command. Blime, I mean, if it was a big war, somebody could be hurt. Yep, and today we are going through the list of all the dumbest, stupidest, pettiest wars in human history.

Everything from French pastries getting stolen to causing thousands of people to die, to a stray dog crossing battle lines, causing two nations to go to war, to bird poop. Yeah, bird poop getting stolen in Peru leading to two nations actually facing off. There are countless numbers of wars that are stupid and dumb, but today we got the list and we're going down through all of them. So, sit back, lay down your weapon, and welcome to camp. What's up, people, and welcome back to camp. Today we are talking about the pettiest wars in history.

That's right, petty beefs, little misunderstandings, dumb ideas that turn into full-scale wars. This is tent talks. This is the show where I explain the most interesting, controversial, and fascinating stories from around the internet and the world, books of the world, other places where information is found, to my dumbest friends. And today I don't have a dumb friend. I don't. I just have you wonderful people that have tuned into this program and held down the show. I'm also joined by my friend Christos, the producer of this wonderful program,

the Greek freak himself, full head of hair. And all in all, just a good guy. A couple updates, we got camp goods right here. I'm wearing this hat. It's pretty nice. Christos, you have your camp gear, of course. Just a generic black hat. That's good.

Thanks for representing the brand. That is awesome. We also got these cool mugs. I think they're cool. They're sort of large, to be honest with you, but I like them. I just want to say thank you to everyone that's been watching the show, supporting the program.

I like doing some of these episodes. I like just kind of like cutting back and me like, you know what, let's just go through some interesting topics. Additionally, I'm also on the road. So if you want to come see me live in your city doing one hour of stand-up comedy, some people have said it's the greatest comedy of, or my mom, my mom said it's the best hour of stand-up comedy she's ever seen. So if you have tastes like my mother, I would love for you guys to come out.

We got tickets on the website, the mark agnon.com, which sounds kind of pretentious, the mark agon. Like how many other Mark Agon's are? I mean, actually, I was going to get Mark Agnew.com. It is taken by an artist. Can you pull this up? Actually, let's give him a shout out. He's a wonderful, I'm assuming French-Canadian artist. I, be honest with you, I've been following this guy my whole life.

When I was like 12 years old, I searched my name. And he popped up. Oh, did he change his website? Mark's like, oh, this might be available then. So I might have to scoop in there We also should buy some of this art This is beautiful He's in Bergdorf Goodman

Yeah, the gagdons are really popping We are out here Oh, I mean, this guy is sick as hell Some of this isn't half bad Right? All right, that's not as good Looks like I made that one I don't know

That looks like the Cosby wife Yeah, that's yeah That's Aunt Viv, I think Anyway, don't buy that stuff Buy Camp Goods, okay, you can check it out But today we're not talking about any of that stuff, right? Today we're just getting into the pettiest wars in history.

Obviously, there's some justified wars, you know, some wars that have happened in history. They were like, all right, revolutionary war, that one's pretty sick. That didn't seem petty. The T thing was a little petty. But I'm trying to think. What else? Crusades as a Catholic. Sorry, Muslims.

I'm going to say that one without knowing anything else about the crusades other than the fact that, you know, Catholics were just going buck wild. They lost, didn't they? Who cares really what the details are? No, all that matters is that it wasn't petty, all right? That was for God. But today we're talking about petty ones. I mean, we got a bunch here. We got a war over pastries, a football war, a war of a stray dog,

I mean, a pig war. I mean, there's all sorts of wacky wars that have happened throughout time. All right, let's start with a good old war known as the War of Jenkins' ear. Have you heard of this? No, but I'm listening. Yeah. Jenkins ear, this guy, Robert Jenkins, he was a Welsh, Master Mariner from Lanelli.

Can you Google where Linnelli is? I'm going to assume this is like somewhere in the United Kingdom, Robert Jenkins, the whitest name of all time. He commanded the Rebecca, a smuggling brig that operated in contested Caribbean waters during a time of rising tensions. We're talking 1731. That's right. April 1731, Jenkins ship was boarded by Spanish Garda Costa. If anyone doesn't speak Spanish, that's Coast Guard. near Havana, Cuba, the Spanish vessel La Isabella, commanded by Juan Leon Fandino,

intercepted the Rebecca on suspicions of smuggling. The boarding turned violent. Jenkins was suspected, was subjected to various forms of mistreatment, including being hoisted up the mast and threatened with having his ship burned. During this encounter, Jenkins' ear was severed. It's disputed if it was by Fendino himself or by another Spanish officer. the British viewed such Spanish actions as, I mean, this word is something to do with pirates. Pyr radical? I've never heard that before. That's a great word. Pyr radical aggression against legitimate trade, while the Spaniards considered themselves law enforcement protecting their colonial trade monopoly against British smuggling. Both perspectives held some truth. Spanish colonial restrictions were severe and British merchants frequently engaged in illicit trade. Oh, it's in Wales. Oh, he's a whale.

Welsh, one of the toughest accents of all time. You ever heard a Welsh guy speak? Yeah, it's rough. It's insane. You can't understand a word that they're saying. Um, I would actually love to get a Welshman on this pod. Gareth Bale, perhaps. Um, that's him. That's him. No way. He looks like Cayu. He's got no hair. Who, what did, who made this? Was this Mark Allen Gagnon? Is that who painted this? I don't look like it. I mean, what the heck? Got a coffee stain in the middle. Yeah, dude. I mean, pull it together. Oh, he's getting his wig ripped off. Look at that. Oh, damn.

Damn, bro. That's, I mean, that's World Star, if I've ever seen one. Upon his return to England in 73 or 71, Jenkins presented his severed ear. Wow, he kept his ear. And he presented his severed ear to King George a second and gave a formal deposition about the incident. Surprisingly, the affair initially garnered little public or political attention. For the next seven years, Jenkins' case remained largely dormant while Britain and Spain engaged in diplomatic negotiations. But by 1738, British commercial interests grew increasingly frustrated with Spanish restrictions.

The incident with Jenkins was dramatically revived during parliamentary debates as a symbol of Spanish cruelty. I mean, cut off someone's here. That's because that's like, yo, we could have killed you, but instead we just chopped your ear off. Like, that's like, I mean, it's kind of badass. That's like a slap. Like you get in a fight with someone, you don't punch him, you just slap them. It's like, look, I could knock you out, but I'm here just to teach you a lesson because you're not going to do shit. It's also hard to fight if you lost your ear. Imagine your balance is probably messed up. And you're on a boat. I mean, come on.

I'd be seasick immediately. British government eager to secure greater trade privileges with Spanish colonies, particularly the lucrative right to sell enslaved people under the Ascento Agreement. Use Jenkins' ear as a powerful propaganda tool to rally public support. Wow. Also, for the record, a lot of this research was put together by my dear friend, Zach. So I'm learning a lot of this for the first time, along with y'all at home. And we're just going to try to just become better, more educated citizens together.

The war was officially declared 1739. And over the next several years, fighting spread throughout the Caribbean. The British scored early victory by capturing Portobello, which is in Panama. However, their ambitious assault at Cartagena de Indias in 1741 ended in catastrophic failure, British expedition commanded by admirable Edward Vernon was decimated not only by strong Spanish defenses, but also by tropical diseases and logistical failures. Wow. The defeat marked a turning point, forcing the British to scale back their Caribbean ambitions. I mean, that's crazy. The conflict continued with minor engagements in Florida, Georgia, around Havana, and by 1740,

European attention shifted to the war of Austrian secession, a major, a much larger conflict that engulfed continent and diverted resources away from the Caribbean theater. The war of Jenkins' ear gradually merged into this broader European struggle. As for Jenkins himself, his role in history extended beyond the infamous ear incident. He later served as a captain for the East India Company and eventually became a supervisor on St. Helena Island. While the war that bore his name may have faded from political significance, Jenkins carried both the physical mark of his encounter with the Spanish and unusual distinction of having a war named after a part of his anatomy for the remainder of his life. I don't know, that feels pretty justified to me.

That doesn't feel that petty. Like, yo, if you chop my boy's ear off, like, yeah, we got to go to war. Two countries, though? Yes, 100%. What is a country? A country is just a big gang. A country is just a gang of people. And it's like, hey, they captured our guys.

So now we have to go send a bunch of troops in there to go get our guy back. It's just a gang with borders and like an army and like a federal reserve, like a centralized currency. That's all, right? What else is a country? It's just a gang. So if you go and chop one of my friend's ears off, if someone came in here and chopped your ear off, well, at first I'd ask what you did.

I'd be curious. I'd be like, was he eavesdropping? You know what I mean? Were you peeping in on something that you shouldn't have been doing? Were you listening to the girls' bathroom to get gossip? If you were doing any of those things and you got your ear chopped off, I'd be like, yeah, you might have deserved it. But I'll be honest, bro.

I don't know. That's also the most, like, this is where does happen, like near Cuba? It's a very Cuban attack. Also, is this have anything to do with Van Gogh cutting on its own ear off? I doubt it has anything to do with that, to be honest with you. But Van Gogh also did chop a ear off. Yeah, I'm pretty sure also, what, in the Garden of Gassimony with Jesus, someone got their ear chopped off? I think one of the guards or something.

A lot of ear chopping had been going on throughout the ages. It is like the ultimate sign of like, hey, I'm just going to maim you physically where people will see it forever. but it's not going to like ruin your life. Plus you have two. And you have two. Like, right? God gave you two ears. So you listen twice as much as you speak.

It's in the Bible. It's not in the Bible. But my mom used to say that. But I don't know. It is a very like Cuban way to defend your. Just like, yo, I'm going to fight you, bro. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm just going to pull out my knife.

It's like very much a switchblade tactic, you know? Like the British, I don't think would chop an ear off. I don't know. Can you search of the British ever chop people's ears off? That seems out of character for the Brits. I feel like they'd be, they would just shoot someone or like enslave them or something. But yeah, I mean, the knife is like, I'd be honest, if you try to seize Puerto Rico, I think you'd probably get a couple of years chopped off.

But yeah, I don't know. Starting a war over losing a piece of your body. If you chop my dick off, we're getting the whole, I'm petitioning to Trump. I'm like, yo, Donnie, let's get this thing going. It's actually cold something. Cropping is the removal of a person's ear as an act of physical punishment. Wow. Oh, that makes sense because dog ears get cold.

cropped. And they have a name for it, so it happened a good amount of times, I would imagine. Yeah, I mean, after the 10th ear chopping, you're like, all right, we got to figure out, we got to actually put this in the almanac, you know? Wow, cropping. But I feel like this makes it sound too cool. You know what I mean? Cropping?

Because, like, if you crop a dog's ears, it's like, oh, they, like, do it to make them look cooler. Like, you've seen when they do this with dogs, like, their ears are all floppy, and then they chop them just to make them stick up. Right. Which is probably the worst thing ever. Like, for a dog. like you're made the certain way.

You get your ears circumcised and now all of a sudden you can hear everything. It's probably so loud. Plus they have great hearing. Yeah. That's why they hate fireworks, I'm assuming. Right? Sure, sure.

I bet you Admiral Jenkins was like, yo, fireworks are the worst now because now my ears are just like so, like there's no, I bet you you can still hear a little bit. Because if you get rid of this part, you can still hear through the hole in your head. Like you can't wear headphones or like glasses.

That's probably the worst part. You can't ever wear glasses. Back then, you probably needed glasses. You put your shit on, you're just, you're sideways. That's awful. This is how Jenkins wore glasses his whole life. Poor dude. But no, that doesn't seem that petty to me.

I'll be honest, this goes on more on the justified to petty scale. I think. I think it's 70% justified. 30% petty. Also, the English were using as a tool. It's like they were just looking for like, all right, what's our justification? Chop to zero. So I'm going to go more justified than petty.

All right, the pastry war. This one sounds already on the onset, a little bit pettier. 1830s, during the early years of the Republic of Mexico, lawlessness abounded as various factions competed for power within the country. Many times that fighting results into the destruction of private property. And since the Mexican government was relatively weak, unable to do much to prevent it, private citizens were often very frustrated by it. Foreigners were in particular trouble. Should bandits rob them, steal their stuff, destroy their property, they had little recourse with the Mexican government to be compensated. A French pastry chef. Of course, it's a French pastry chef. Monceigneur Remonte. Can we get a picture of this guy? Monseigneur Vermonte? He learned the hard way in 1832. Remonte had a pastry shop in the outskirts of Mexico City called Takubaya. The French take their pastries extremely seriously. So according to Monsignor, which is obviously disputed, Mexican officers looted his shop, stole all of his delicious pastries.

Ugh, I mean, I'd be pissed off. He appealed to the Mexican government for compensation, and when no one came, he called on the powers and his homeland to do something about it, citing remontels issues and those of many other French nationals living in Mexico, the government of France decided to fight a war over it. That's right. 1838, the French prime minister demanded that the Mexican government pay them 600,000 pesos in order to compensate for the loss of Ramantel's pastry shop and various other French businesses in Mexico. I mean, that's wild. How much is that? 600,000 pesos.

In 1838, that's probably close to $70 or even $80. That's wild. I mean, it's probably a few mill. Let me work on this. That's probably a few mill at least. So the French were like, yo, Mexico, pay up. I bet you they had a French Trump back in the day. He's like, Mexico's going to pay for it to?

the Mexicans, do they will pay for the pastries? The Mexicans balked at the exorbitant sum. At the time, the average daily wage in Mexico was about one peso. So they wanted 600,000 times more than the daily wage. So what do the French do? They bucked up. They went to war. The French Navy immediately set up a blockade of all Mexican port cities in the Gulf of Mexico,

from the Yucatan Peninsula to the Rio Grande, to the Gulf of America. I actually don't even know if it's a Gulf of America. I just wanted to say that. The French shut down trading options for Mexican coastal towns. The battle eventually took to solid ground where the French made landfall.

They stormed a Mexican fort and eventually took it. Famed Mexican general, Santa Ana, fought back. And during the Battle of Veracruz, he was shot in the leg. That leg was amputated and his heroic efforts

were enough to catapult him back into political power in Mexico. Aside from him, though, the war was mostly sputtered. Each side lost a couple hundred men before a treaty was eventually signed. Mexico agreed to pay 600,000 peso penalty as a part of the peace agreement. They never did. Wow.

I mean, that's wild. To me, that's wild. Oh, this is, who's this? Santa Ana. Handsome guy with a sick outfit. I mean, shoulder pads? Yeah, shoulder pads going crazy with so many jewels and chains. This guy was sick as hell.

But yeah, dude, I don't know. If you're going to go to war over paper, That's kind of crazy. We got to try the pastries. We got to see. Because there's a pastry shop not far from us right here in our beautiful tent, deep in the woods. But if you go out of the woods, down Driggs in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, you will find a pastry shop that does French pastries that are absolutely amazing. The pon chocolat, my favorite.

But they also have like financies. I don't know. I think a French pastry is enough. If you told me some other pastry, if you were like, yeah, the Polish pastry shop in Mexico got looted, I'd be like, for what? you know what I mean what's your favorite Polish pastry there is not

you know what I mean like it doesn't exist a French pastry that's enough to go to war for I don't know and also like if this is the third or fourth time you've been just looted

especially by like the officers of a country if it's just like some random dude that comes in and robs you it's like all right whatever but if it's like the government comes in

seizes all your pastries I mean that's crazy also if you gotta go to war for it think about that like there were hundreds thousands of American troops that went into Iraq for fake weapons of mass destruction.

They went in there for basically no reason. A lot of them were over there being like, why the hell are we here? And now you've got to think that these guys went into Mexico and died, never saw their families again, over a croissant. Right, could we break this down?

A French guy is making pastries in Mexico. Yes. And Mexicans are like, this is the greatest thing we've ever had in our lives. So we have to steal them. So we have to steal them. And we're taking it. And also this guy's a foreigner, so who gives it shit?

You know what I mean? What's you doing making pastries at Mexico? That's a good question. Can we find out what, what Montseigneur? Was he like a, I mean, Monseigneur, that sounds like religious to me. Monsior. Oh. It's like a title.

My bad. It's all okay. Mr. I guess that's Mr. I was thinking Monsignor like he was like a priest or something. I mean, if he was a priest, then now it would be like, I bet they wouldn't do it actually. Mexicans are very religious. They'd be like, no, no, we have to respect the father.

El Padre. But yeah, I wonder what this guy was doing in Mexico. Probably just looking for beautiful Latinas. Shorty. That's what I'm assuming. Anytime you got a guy, especially back in those days that's like going across the world and setting up a new life, he's probably running from some shit in France. Either he's a terrible guy that did some terrible shit in France and had to leave.

He's either looking for baddies, which, you know, game recognized game. I respect it. Or he's on the run. He's on the layo. Or he's just like, yo, Mexico. there's better weather. You know what I mean? Like, hey, I live in France.

It's like cold part of the year. Like, let me just go to Mexico and just post up. I mean, that's crazy. Doesn't say what he was doing there. Yeah, that guy was for sure had like a drug scheme going in France. It was like, let me dip. But for France to be like, we're going to start a war for this guy? I feel like back of the day, people were just looking for any reason to do a war.

You know what I mean? Like, they were just trying to find any reason like, hey, let's go to war. Like, what do we got to do? All right. I would say that one, on the terms of pay. I would say that was significantly pettier. It's pretty petty. Than the ear.

Like, it's just some pastries. I'd go ear one, but. Do you think ear is more petty? Oh, no, less petty. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I agree. I agree. Ear is less petty for sure.

But, like, pastries is hilarious. I mean, kind of got to respect it. What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick because you are a grown child. Yes, you're a giant man child, and you just love stuff in your face and all the sugary cereals he ate when you were a kid. when you're just a fat little eight-year-old, you would sit down on your couch

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It's fascinating that the processed chemicals that are going into our foods are terrible for you. I mean, if you were to take a baked cookie and a cookie that's filled with processed preservatives, even if they have the same exact nutritional profile, the one with the preservatives and all the gums and stabilizers and ultra-processing chemicals is going to be worse for you by a far, far margin. So if you have been exposed to many of these ultra-processed foods, They've been known to be addictive. They've been known to target children, and they can potentially cause chronic diseases such as type 2 diabetes, fatty liver disease, both of which were unheard of 40 years ago, but now affect the lives of thousands of thousands of children.

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Now, I do have to disclose, this is a paid advertisement. Now, let's get back to the show. We got another one right here, Greece, Jess. Don't worry. I know you were afraid. You're like, that's it? Nope. The war of the stray dog, all right? This happened between Bulgaria and the beautiful country of Greece. Shout out, Greece. Yeah, dude. You know what Europe and a frying pan have in common? I'm afraid you're about to tell me There's a little bit of Greece at the bottom Oh, that's not cool Isn't that cute? That's a cute one

I'm gonna get some shit for that My dad told me that when I was a kid I thought that was a cute joke And that's how I remember where Greece is It's right at the bottom Right? It is There's things below Greece

What, Crete, Africa? Creece part of Greece, but okay That's what I'm saying What's below it? And it wasn't always part of Greece For the record. Crete Oh yeah

The Turks got a piece of that A lot of blood The Nazis got a piece of that The Egyptians got a piece of that That's a no All right. Sorry. Hurts still. That's insult to injury.

All right. Let's talk about this stray dog. Basically, Greece and Bulgaria have been disputing over their border, which I had no idea about. I did not know that Greece and the Bulgarians were pissed off at each other. Everyone wanted a piece of Greece. Yeah, and you guys could barely hold on. Each side already had soldiers and sentries placed along the border and around the village of Petrich. Petrick?

Current Day, Bulgaria. October 18th. Oh, so you guys were the ones that were fucking. up. You pieces of shape. Everyone wanted a piece of Greece. No, no, no, no, no. That's Bulgaria. And you guys were like, oh, we're going to go over there and put more fat guys. October 18th, 1925, it only took a very small thing. A stray dog to set off a firefight. This is awesome. One version of the story, and of course, there's like seven versions. You get an old Greek grandfather. It's like, let me tell you. Let me tell you. One version of the story

claims that the incident began after a dog ran across the border from Greece into Bulgaria. The dog belonged to a Greek soldier who raced across the border to grab the stray dog and get him back on their side. The Bulgarians didn't like it and shot the soldier. The Bulgarian version of the story claims that there was no dog. Rather, the Bulgarians crossed the Greek border from their side, killed a Greek captain, and a sentry in an aggressive mood move indicating battle. We don't know which version is real, but here's what happened after. The dog story stuck in the public consciousness, and this spat became known as the war of the stray dog.

moved quickly to apologize for the incident. They claimed that firing upon Greek soldiers had been a misunderstanding and they expressed regret. Bulgarians also offered to take part in a mixed investigation into the accident. Both Greek and Bulgarian officers could look into what happened. The Greeks didn't really give a shit. They wanted no Bulgarians in their territory at all. In turn, Greece issued an ultimatum to Bulgaria. Punish those responsible within 48 hours or else pay out two million French francs as compensation to the families of the victim.

They got the attention of the League of Nations, which at that time was the precursor to like the UN. The League of Nations very much did not want a full-scale war to bubble up between Greece and Bulgaria. After all, it had just been a precious few years prior that World War I had ended. The Greeks sent soldiers into Bulgaria occupied the town to Petrick on October 22nd, after Bulgaria failed to meet Greece's demands within the stipulated time. Fearing a violent outburst, the League of Nations moved quickly to mediate things. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, even with casualties on both sides, war was avoided. In the end, the war of the stray dog became a mostly forgotten and bizarre

skirmish. They didn't really go anywhere. Put your dogs on a leash. How about that? I think that, I'm taking the Bulgarian side on this. Sorry, Christos. Put your dog on a freaking leash. I, look, I live in Brooklyn, okay? Every now and again, I'll be walking out of the street and I'll just see like a pit bull. No leash. And again, I know it's controversial. They're like, oh, pit bulls. They're nice. There's no bad dogs. Only bad owners. That might be true. but pit bulls with a bad owner are the scariest thing in the world. Like a chow chow with a bad owner,

you can punt that thing. I'm not worried about that. But a pit bull with a bad owner, not great. A pit bull with a great owner just gets spooked one day and just rips your face. I don't know.

I'm like... Here's the thing. Dog crosses the border. Soldier goes to grab the dog. Yeah. And they shoot the soldier. Not the dog. If you're afraid of the dog,

shoot the dog. I don't know. And sorry to the ASPCA. What happened with the dog? That's actually a good question. I bet you the dog was so embarrassed. Well, the Bulgarians think there was no dog. Yeah, I don't even, I don't, that makes no sense to me because you would think that the

Bulgarians would be like, yo, there definitely was a dog and this guy ran over. We didn't know what was happening. Fog of war. Bang, bang, bang. Everyone's dead. I am legend. The dog dies. You know what I mean?

I don't know. But like, it seems like the Greeks would be like, no, they just came over. There was no dog. We had everyone on a leash. Also, why do soldiers have dogs? Was this like a war dog? Maybe. Like was this a dog that was, did he have medals?

I actually like seeing that. Every now and again, like they'll put like, they'll do like a military funeral. Can we pull one of those up military funeral for a dog? Those are always making me happy. I like seeing that. So I don't know. I'm like, it depends. Also, if you're a war dog, why are you running?

Shouldn't you be trained better? Good point. Part of me thinks this is not a war dog. This is just some dude being like, hey, I have to have my, my emotional support animal. which if you've ever been on a flight in the past five years, it's a freaking nightmare. Yeah, I like this, where they put the dog and they wrap them up in the blankets and stuff.

This is cute. Yeah, I like this. Always German shepherds. Shout to the Germans, you know what I mean? They've done some bad things, sure. Yeah. But they gave us some cool cars, some cool outfits, and some great dogs.

I like a German shepherd, to be honest. Guarantee you that dog wasn't a German shepherd. No, that dog. I mean, what dogs do the Greeks even have? Oh, there's dogs roaming grease, just stray wounds all over the place. So maybe it was just the father. Yeah, it probably was just a stray dog that just ran over. But if you're a soldier and your dog runs over, you got to be like, yeah, that's their dog now.

They own that dog. They have, that's, you can't run across the lines and be like, guys, no, you got to understand. There's a dog over there. I think you're more of a cat person, so you're underestimating the love for a dog. I'm not a cat person. I hate that this gets put on me all the time. I'm not a cat. Look, I like all animals, okay?

But I live in New York City and an apartment. I'm not going to have a dog in an apartment. in an apartment in New York City. One, I think it's inhumane. You got to, they're cooped up all day. I want a big dog that can run. And secondly, I don't feel like taking them out to go pee on concrete.

It sticks in the morning while it's snowing. You'd rather have pissed cat letter in your apartment? A million percent. I would rather my cat throw up in my bed on regular basis, which she has done, than have to take a dog out on the concrete. I also travel. I do stand up on the road on the weekends,

which you can see me coming up on tour of the summer. And I don't want to have to deal with a dog that's, I have to get a kennel, I have to put them in a thing, I got to find someone to watch. It's like, I'm good. I also don't know what these dog walkers are doing. I'll see dog walkers in New York that are just like yanking on dogs. I got seven of them, just yanking on them. And I'm like, whoa.

They clean up too. They make money? Yeah. Have you looked into it? Yes. Have you ever dog walked? Of course. Have you really?

Yeah. For a very short amount of time. How long did you dog walk for? All of 13 days. No way. Yeah. What happened? Dogs got a little rowdy.

No. Yeah. This is the most Greek thing I've ever heard. Between the two. That's crazy. You were like, look, dude, a stray dog ran and the traffic, I grabbed them. It caused a whole accident.

I had to run. I mean, that's crazy. How many dogs were you walking at a time? Four. Wow. Yeah. And you had to go to all these people's houses collect the dogs, or were they all in a central spot for you?

They were all in one neighborhood, but... That's wild. I signed up for this, like, Craigslist Dog Walker Company. Wow. Yeah. And what kind of dogs? Cool dogs? Two of them were Shih Tzu's.

And then, yeah. And the other were like mutts. I'm fine as a shit, too. I like a mutt, but one was a Vishla, which are really pretty. Pull that up. I don't even heard of that. It sounds like an Italian car. A Vishla?

Yeah. Are they big? They're like hunting dogs. Oh, really? They're really pretty, too. Wow. Oh, that's a nice looking dog. Yeah.

I think they're called like pointers or some. Regal. I mean, look at that guy. That's the one that got rowdy, though. Of course. I mean, he's wearing a Cuban link. Yeah. I mean, he will chop your ear off, dude.

Any dog that's wearing human jewelry, I'm like, don't fuck. with that dog, okay? Yeah. Like, that's a dog that just doesn't have anything to lose. You know what I mean? He's got a great life. He's just, he's dressed like the king of Mexico or whatever. Whatever that picture we pulled up of Santa Ana.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm kind of on the side of the Bulgarians here. If you're in war and there's a standoff and someone runs across your lines, my bad, bang, bang. Like, I'm not just, I'm not going to look at the situation in two seconds. You also have the shittiest guns ever. You know what I mean? Like you can't like you're just hoping Oh this guy's running at us

You don't even necessarily see the dog Or if you do see the dog you're like oh great The Greeks are now doing dog warfare Where they're sending dogs in with their humans And they're gonna jump and attack us now So let's recap. Petty list Most Petty to Least Petty Most Petty's the Pastries

Okay And then second I'm saying The Ear And then this is the least petty to me Really? 100% because it's like what most justified It's so justified You're over there

standing so terrified. You're 12 years old Bulgarian kid in the middle of winter probably. I don't even know when it happened. And yeah, you see a guy running across with a dog or that's crazy rabid. Unless it's a little dog. We have to see the dog.

I'm assuming it's a big dog. If it's a little dog, then it's a little more petty. But regardless, that's where I stand on the pettiness. But don't worry, we got another great, great war. All right? This one is called the War of the Golden Stool. This could go several ways. Yeah.

All right, the War of the Golden Stool. You ready for this one? Strap in. 1900's United Kingdom waged a weird war against the Ashanti Empire, which can we pull up a picture of Ashanti, the studio recording artist, Ashanti? If my memory serves, I think she's a piece. Yeah, 44. She looks great for 44.

But regardless, Ashanti is an absolute peace. But I don't think she had anything to do with this empire in the early 1900s. Probably no. I don't think. Was that her real name? Ashanti or was it like a stage name? It's actually interesting to find out. because I wonder if that means something

because this Ashanti Empire Wow! I wonder if she's Gannon because the Ashanti Empire is what's now known as the West African nation of Ghana. I did not know this in the early 1900s. The entire war was fought over Golden Stool which was a longstanding sacred symbol of power that was held in great reverence by the Ashanti people.

Basically, the British wanted to colonize the entire coastal region of Africa for themselves and disrespect the golden stool throne in the process, disrespecting the Ashanti people. So, tensions flared up, 1896, when the British sent troops to occupy the region. Are we got to learn more about this stool? Because now, at first I thought it was poop.

Same. But now I'm thinking it's like a throne? I don't know. Basically, 1896, the British sent troops to occupy the region. 1900s, the Ashanti staged an uprising. They wanted the British off their land for the European power to give up their colonial. dreams of West Africa, the British quickly suppressed the revolt, though, and then fully captured

the Ashanti city of Kumasi. Wow, it's like an actual stool. My dumbass. It was a symbol of power in the Ashanti kingdom. Wow. I'm such an idiot. I was like, oh, this must be about shit. I'm ashamed of how dumb I am.

That's barely a stool. I mean, I guess it's a stool. What is a stool, right? I feel like a stool needs to be taller. This looks like a seed of a swing. Yeah, it's more like a golden... swing seat. But yeah,

so what's the deal with this? It's for the queen mother. It's in the children's museum of Indianapolis. I mean, that's even more insulting. The Ashanti needed to do another war against Indianapolis for having their stool in the children's museum. I mean, that's embarrassing. So the British capture Kumasi.

The British deported all of Ashanti's traditional kings, the Asantehini, Asanteheni, Asanteheni. I like that, as well as all of his counselors. In turn, the Ashanti was fully annexed and became part of the United Kingdom's overseas controlled lands as a British colony. Sir Frederick Hodgson was the British administrator in charge of the entire newly formed colony and went to the Ashanti people and demanded to be allowed to sit on the golden stool.

Come on, dude. Look, I get colonialism was a thing, okay? And back in the day, people didn't understand human rights. and they would just go and be like, you got shit, we want it. This is the story of humanity, okay? You don't got to go sit on the stool. It's like, that just seems completely, oh my goodness. It says here on Wikipedia,

if you could only get possession of the stool, he would be able to govern the country for all time. You dumbass. It's even worse than we thought. Like, bro, if you just had, if you have guns, you can control the whole thing. You don't need the stool. I mean, this guy is like so arrogant.

Hodgson, reasoned. that since he was in charge, he wanted to have the benefit of his rule included, including the traditional golden stool seat given to all the Ashanti kings. Not surprisingly, the Ashanti rejected this request and rushed the golden stool into hiding. What followed was the war of the golden stool between the British forces and Ashanti rebels. The battle lasted from March 1900 through September of that year. In total, just over a thousand British soldiers were killed in various skirmishes while more than 2,000 Ashanti men died in the conflict. Damn! That's a lot of death

For a stool For a stool I cannot believe this guy Hodgson Was such a dickhead He was like I have to take the stool The gold stool wasn't brought out of hiding Even after the war ended September In 1921

A group of African road workers Discovered the stool while out on a construction project They stripped much of the gold from it Come on guys I hate that that's how that happened I wish that they found it And they were like These motherfuckers kept the stool

And they were like Yeah, we're going to put our king on it. Ashanti leaders called for their execution, but the British took the road workers into custody and eventually negotiated that they would merely be banished rather than killed. Then the golden stool was finally brought out of hiding and returned to its rightful Ashanti owners. And then to the Indianapolis Jones Museum. I mean, what the hell? How did it get there? I mean, that is messed up. I would assume that the U.S. took control of it. And then they were like, hey, we need the stool. Right. So we could do a story time. put a drag queen on there and read of the kids in Indianapolis. I mean, that's crazy. Probably part of the treaty. I mean, what an idiot that this guy was like, all right, I'm the king. Look, dude, you're not the king. You go there, you take all the resources, you kill all the people, and then you leave.

Like, the audacity would be like, I'm the king. I completely understand the Ashanti here. They're like, hey, you guys win fair and square, but you don't have to, like, desecrate our thing. Be cool. Be cool with your colonization. You know what I mean? Like if someone robs me and they come into my house They say hey give me your wallet

Give me your TV Da da da da da I'm like that's fine And then they take my special mug And they go we're taking we're sitting in your special lazy boy And we're watching severance on your TV I'd be like this is not even This is not even benefiting you It's overkill

It's you're just doing this to piss me off So it's like hey if you want to be a good colonist Why are you going over there And stealing the stool? I mean that just seems crazy I don't know. This seems sort of, it seems petty. This one is tricky because it's completely petty from the British side.

Right. Not petty from the Ashanti side, but super petty. I mean, don't do that. This reminds me of that woman that climbed up the Aztec pyramid, which also, I think she was British. You never saw this? No. Some woman, like, recently climbed to the top of the Aztec pyramid and looked inside and was, like, running around.

And then when she came down, people just, like, beat the shit out of her. They were like, they had sticks, like guards. and they were just like, get off the, get off the thing. She was, she climbed just to get a view. Just like, take a peek. She was like, yeah, it's fine, I can do this. The audacity. But yeah, the golden stool.

I mean, this is a crazy war. I cannot believe 3,000 people died for this. Like, at a certain point, also, I guess from the Ashanti side, you got to be like, hey, we got conquered. It sucks. Like, this is like, all right, you know. To the winter goes to spoil. I get it's like just don't do it in front of us I don't know no I'm I'm I'm

pissed off I'm I'm completely on the Ashanti side on this one because that's dumb as hell um oh this is a great one the football war hmm not the football you're thinking of the actual the actual football the world's game and that's what happened recently 1969 the Beatles were already making music by the time the football war happened between Honduras and El Salvador oh do I have some Honduran soccer stories I went to Honduras for two weeks every summer in high school. Oh, wow. We went to Tegucci Galpa and San Pedro Sula.

And we would play soccer against the locals. And these guys, vicious. Really? You never met like a more hardcore soccer fan that liked to play rough and hard than a Honduran. Never in my life. And I thought it was just like the guys we were playing against. If you ever watch Honduras and like the Copa America

or like the Concordcaf, anything where they play on a national stage, they are hardcore. Like they are just straight up like, I think they're Inca or they're Aztec. I don't think there's any like Spanish in them. They just fuck people up. Like their whole energy is like, yeah, these guys, they are crazy.

You guys look like they want trouble. Yeah, they want to fuck you up. They don't care really that much about playing. They want to win, but more importantly, they just want to go cleats in on you. These are bad boys. So already I'm like, El Salvador, I might have a point. But let's find out.

The occasion was a competitive game with a shot to go to the 1970 World Cup. In the first game, June 8th in Tugusa Galpa, Honduras wins 1-0. Ferran Square. The second game in San Salvador, the host team, El Salvador wins 3-0. So the teams play a final playoff match in Mexico City. In that one, El Salvador won a nail-biter, a 3-2 finish. During and after each of those matches, riots broke out and necessitated Swiss. government response. Not surprised by any of this. Like these countries specifically, Honduras,

these guys love a good riot. And if you're watching the game and you can't even get your cleats dirty, you're like, oh my, I'm socking the first guy I see. The issue was the fact that Salvadorians had been migrating to Honduras for a decade by this point. Their migration began in the early 20th century and by 1969, more than 300,000 Salvadorians allegedly were living in Honduras. In fact, at that, time, Salvadorians accounted for more than 10% of the Honduran population. Whoa. Local people on Honduras didn't like it. They felt that the Salvadorans were taking jobs and resources meant for Honduran natives. So through each football match between the two countries, violence

against Salvadorans and Tagusa Galpa and elsewhere ramped up in return on the same day as the third football match, El Salvador severed all diplomatic ties with Honduras. That's wild. And then the war started. Salvadorian Air Force attacked Honduran military targets inside Honduras's borders. That caught the Honduras Air Force off guard, even though it was better equipped of the two countries in terms of military provisions. Over the next four days, fighting occurred in skirmishes and battles across Honduras. There were about two to three thousand troops and civilians that were killed before the organization of American states rushed in and begged for a ceasefire. El Salvador eventually withdrew its troops and the war ended four days after it began. And many lives were lost, though, and it bubbled up because of a football game.

Can you tell me how El Salvador did in the 1970 World Cup? That's crazy that this one game caused a war. But also, it is crazy, but at the same time, I'm a full believer that sports is just a proxy for war. Sports is just war with rules. Like all, like, I think people don't realize this about, like, European soccer. Like, all these Italian, like, cities for a millennia, where their own little enclaves that had different political rules, different, like, even ethnic beliefs, like, backgrounds, like Sicilians look different than, like, Milanese and stuff. Like, so whenever they played

soccer, it was literally the two towns having a war with each other civilly. Like, they just found infrastructure to fight. So whenever people look at, like, European soccer, they're always like, man, these guys are crazy. They're lighting flares. There's riots. It's like, yeah, because it's existing as a proxy for war. And this is no different. That's wild. All right, El Salvador. They cause a war. They cause an entire blow-up in their own country. They risk the lives of thousands of people. They win the game.

They make it to the World Cup. And they play the USSR, lose 2-0. And then they play Belgium, lose 3-0. And then they play Mexico, lose 4-0, get knocked out without winning a game or scoring a point. Damn. Yeah. But also, they had a lot in their minds.

They had a whole war going. They had a lot of them. You got to think some of those players were in the war. Probably. They lost their striker. Yeah. He was literally in the Air Force. That's what they called him a striker because he was dropping bombs on the Hondurans.

Right. That's crazy. I mean, look, I get that, again, like all of these, it's just people kind of looking for a reason to fight. Yep. Like, my wife always says this. Oh, boy. If the reaction to the thing is above a five, it's not about the thing. Hmm.

So, like, my wife asked me to the dishwasher. I don't do it. she gets mad, freaks out. She's like, you know, you don't have the dishwasher. If it's above a five, it's not about the dishwasher. It's about some other thing. You didn't do the bed that morning. I'm cheating.

I have another family in Seattle, you know, like, whatever the thing is, that is what's going to piss her off. And so I think the same thing goes here. We're like, if the reaction is above a five, like, oh, we're going to start a war and kill thousands of people, it's not about the soccer game, but the soccer game is the catalyst that caused the whole thing. Sure. straw that broke the camel's back.

Precisely. The straw that broke your wife's back. That is exactly. And not that my wife is a camel. She's a beautiful lady. Okay. Similar humps. You know what I'm saying?

But it's different. I can understand also if you're Honduras. It's hilarious to me because I actually never knew that Central American countries also, like, I can't believe Honduras feels about El Salvador the way we feel about all them. That's the undercurrent. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like that would be like America playing Mexico. Right.

And then, what is it, America win? No, Mexico wins. The first game. And then America wins, and then Mexico wins, the whole thing goes to the World Cup. And America's like, y'all, of course we couldn't score on you. You know what I mean? Yeah. You guys have a wall, but we don't.

You know what I mean? That's what they should have done. The Hondurans, they needed a better wall on their border and in front of the goal. also it counts for they were they counted for 10% of the Honduran population yeah yeah yeah that's a lot that's a lot

which it's so funny because like from like the racist American perspective Americans are like there's a difference there's like multiple guys listen to this right now Wichita Kansas like what is El Salvador they're like I thought that was all there's America

Mexico Central America South America four countries and apparently these countries are mad at each other. But yeah, no, so that's a real thing. I completely understand. And the Hondurans, dude, I played a soccer game one time. We went, uh, we were down there doing like a medical mission trip. So like we were like giving people. What's a medical mission? You go down there, you go up to the mountains where they don't necessarily have like dewormer and stuff or like,

you know, like basic medical care. And you'll like see a guy with like a broken arm. And then like there's a surgeon that'll be like, hey, your arm never set properly. So like we're going to fix your arm. Or like, oh, the kid has a distended belly because they have a parasite. Here's a deworming pill that costs like, 50 cents that's going to like get rid of your parasite. Or like, oh, you have bad eyes. Here's a three pair of glasses. And now you can see.

And so we were down there for that. And then we played a soccer game at a hydroelectric plant in San Pedro Sula. So I forgot who built it, but they built this giant hydroelectric dam that powered like the whole village. And on it were all the workers that maintained the hydroelectric dam. And they slept on the property. And so we would go, me and like four or five of my buddies, from high school that all played soccer, and we'd go play a soccer game against them.

To this day, the most intense exhilarating soccer game I've ever played in my whole life. I've played in state championships, ODP, like national games. This, not even close. This was by far the greatest game I ever played. It was me, four or five of my buddies from high school,

and just like, I don't know, seven or eight Honduran men that were just like probably pro at one point. And we were going back and forth, just slide tackling. It was like under the lights on like a nice turf field in the middle of this hydroloven. electric plant. And like everyone was watching on the sidelines, like the girls from my high school

that like I was crushing on. They were like watching on the fence, like banging on the fence, like going crazy. It was awesome. We lost 8-0, but it was an awesome game. It was fun. It was exhilarating. And yeah, a lot of respect to the Honduran people. I love Honduras. There was a soccer field in the middle of a hydroelectric plant. Yeah. What else are you going to do? You got to work all day. Then at nighttime, you just want to crush a Modelo and just ball out with the boys. So I like, I like the Honduran. They're a good group of guys. For comparison, the Mexican population is as much. Wow. 11% of the U.S. population was Mexican American in 2022. So checks out. But I feel like, I don't know, at least me personally, I like a Mexican immigrant. Coming over here, making

great food, except in New York. Mexican immigrants in New York can make every food except Mexican food. Someone explain that to me. The best Italian food in New York, Mexicans are making it. The Best French food. Mexicans are making it. The best French pastries. Okay. Probably a French Mexican guy. They got robbed. They're making all the best food. But then there's no great Mexican food in New York City. It's crazy. If you can find like a taco truck, you find a thing, it's all fine. But in terms of like the South California, like Texas Mexican food, they don't have it. So my only request to the Mexicans coming over legally, illegally, I don't really give a shit, bring the good home brace that are able to make like, I don't know, chili kilos. Or like, I don't know, a tequito that slaps something. Maybe they're just the best learners of cuisine. But learn your own cuisine. Make it like your abuelita. Make it like mama.

Do that. I don't know. That's my only gripe. Another gripe, actually, just for the record, for all Latinos. I feel like this is like the Bible. This is Mark, a letter to the Latinos. Stop calling your kids poppy. I was at the park the other day with my son.

He's not even able to be at the park. I was just holding him in like my little carrier. And like I was talking to this moment, I think she was Mexican. And she was like, yeah, yeah, this is my husband, Fernando, and this is our son, Poppy. Like, excuse me? Your son, Poppy? Mm-hmm. And he's like, yeah, come on, puppy.

So they call their sons Poppy or Papacito, little Poppy. Eh, it's weird. There's a big, uh, it's weird, don't do that. There's a big algorithm thing going around with Latinos who call you Papacito. Hmm? You haven't seen this? No. Oh, dude.

All right, don't get wrong. Latino woman called me Poppy. That's the great, I mean, you're saying don't call the kids that. Don't call me that. Don't call the kids that. That's weird. It gives him a complex. I agree.

You know what I mean? He's walking around his whole life, like, from seven years old, being like, yeah, I'm Poppy. Anyway, let me know what you think. If you're Latino, if your parents called you Poppy, do you like it? Does it make you feel weird? I'd love to know. What's up, guys?

We're going to take a break really quick because I'm sitting here in my beautiful tent. As you can see, every week, day in, day out. And people always ask, they say, Mark, how do I? have a tent like that. I want to sit in a beautiful tent and invite a lover, a friend, you know, someone that I appreciate and adore. I want to give them a good time inside my tent. Well, it's easy. Thanks to the good folks over at bluechew.com. That's right. Bluechew is the original OG brand offering chewable tablets. And what do these tablets do? Oh, I'm glad you asked. They are going to give you the just in a stronger, harder, and longer-lasting sexual performance. That's right. They're going to

help you pitch a tent any place, anywhere. And the best part, it's all done online. That means you don't have to go to a doctor's office and talk to them and be like, oh, you know, I'm feeling some type of way. Look, this is not for people that are, you know, lacking necessarily. This is for people to want to have the best experience of their life, whether it's Valentine's Day, birthday, a funeral. Who knows whenever you need it, you never know when you could use Blue Chew. And we have a special deal for the listeners of this program. That's right. Try your first month of Blue Chew for free. That's right, completely free. Mark, is it going to work for me? Is this? Hey, it's free. Why not just try it? Visit Bluotchew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew

for sponsoring this podcast. All right. Now let's get after it and let's get back to the show. All right, let's talk about the pig tension. The pig tension, also known as the pig war. This happened basically between the United States and Great Britain, 1859, the San Juan Island, a chunk of land located between mainland United States and Vancouver Island. Can we get a picture of that on the map, the San Juan Island? At the time, the island was home to the American settlers and British employees of the Hudson Bay Company. Both parties had laid claim to the fertile soil. First and only shots of the pig war came on June 15th, 1859,

when an American farmer named Lyman Cutler gunned down a British-owned black boar. Oh, wow. This is actually beautiful. This is San Juan's. I mean, this is gorgeous. I mean, already I'm on board. I'm like, yeah, I would fight for this. It's a sick piece of land, make a little lakehouse.

Oh, it's going to get cold, though, right between Seattle and Vancouver. I mean, it seems like a small little crop of land that they're battling over. Orca Islands, Lopez Islands, and San Juan Island. Well, apparently there's a great war that busted out. Here's how it went down. The first and only shots of the pig war came June 15th, 1859, an American farmer named Lyman Cutler, gunned down a black-owned. Nope, not black-owned.

It's a black-owned business, okay? They're trying to get it started, all right? They were just trying to make it happen in America, so they had a black, no. It was a British-owned black boar. after he discovered the animal rooting and his potato patch. So imagine that. You're an American farmer. You see a pig in your patch going after all your potatoes.

And you shoot it. The ensuing argument over the dead hog increased tension between the two groups of settlers and Cutler was threatened with arrest. After the Americans reported the incident to the military, the U.S. Army dispatched Captain George Pickett. I know that guy. A Confederate general during the Civil War. That's what this guy was doing prior to the Civil War. He was going to have her black-owned businesses, dude. There you go.

The San Juan, with a small compliment of troops, pick it up to the ante by declaring the whole island U.S. property. And the British responded by sending a fleet of heavily armed naval vessels to the coastline. An absurd standoff ensued. The situation remained on a knife edge for several agonizing weeks in the two nations would finally negotiate a deal, allowing for joint military occupation of San Juan Island in 1859, ending the pig war as a bloodless stalemate.

I wouldn't say bloodless. Bloodless seems like nothing happened. Oh, this guy looks racist as hell. George Pickett. What is it about this facial hair that just means like, hey, I don't support minorities? Right?

It's a little resentment that they can't grow the full goatee. Did that what it is? Yeah. I mean, because like you only see racist white dudes with this facial. That's a tough look. With like the long goatee,

the long cover the lip stash so people can't see you saying that one. word, you know. It just seems like all of them had this. I mean, so he was a Confederate guy? Yeah. I mean, crazy. George Pickett. Yeah, dude. I mean, that's how he got his last name. That's what he was saying to all those slaves down there. Apparently, he hung union prisoners. I mean, it makes sense, right? If you're in a war. Yeah. I mean, that's not crazy. But, yeah, apparently the situation was ultimately bloodless. No one else got killed. except for the one pig,

but almost started an entire, entire battle over one pig. I don't know. I'm like, this one seems like the right thing was done. It's like, hey, this is our property, this pig is ours.

Yeah, how do they even tell if it's a British pig? Right? Has bad teeth. Yeah, exactly. It's like, you look at the pig and you're like, yeah, this pig is not,

I've seen a dentist since 1400. It's witty. Yeah. It has a dry humor, probably. I don't know. It's, uh, I guess they knew, it was their pig.

I guess the English were like all these pigs were ours because there are no pigs in North America. So if the pig is here, it's our pig. So it's like, yeah, you killed our pig, we need our get back. But then the fact that everyone was like, all right, this is, come on, it's a pig. Just have a feast of the pig. Yeah, let's just talk about it. Figure it out.

Have a little, we'll dine, you know, and then we'll just call it even. Like, to me, I'm like, all right, no harm, no foul. Seems like everyone did the right thing here. I'm not, I'm not as angry about this. But this is not the last animal-related fight. The fight for bird shit. You ever heard this? Mid-19th century Spain, Isabella the second attempted to regain the power and riches it formerly boasted in South America,

with American engaging in its own civil war, unable to enforce the Monroe Doctrine. Spain's adventurism intensified in the 1860s. A brief conflict with Peru in 1864 led to a peaceful resolution, though Spain demanded reparations paid to Spanish citizens of the country. When Peru refused, the Spanish Navy occupied the Chincha Islands, a source of considerable revenue for the Peruvian government. Where did this revenue come from? That's a great question. The revenue from this little island, Chincha Island, came from bird shit called guano, harvested for processing as fertilizer.

That's wild. Also, is that a picture of Isabel II? This is... Oof! Not her best look. Some of the other pictures seem a little better. Oh, this is the OG Photoshop. The paintings of her look amazing,

and then the pictures of her like, whoof. I mean, just back then this meant she was wealthy. I guess. I don't know. I don't even believe that. I hear people say all the time, like, no, no, no, being pale and fat back in the day was a sign that you didn't work,

that you were fed well, that you weren't in the sun, da-da-da-da-da. There's no way, right? Like, part of me is like, I just, I refuse to believe this. I know it's probably technically true, but just the part of me that, like, as a straight man, okay?

And I'm not trying to brag. But I like chicks. I feel like I know more or less like, hey, being a giant fatty is suboptimal. But they say the wide bearing hips are... Enough with this, bro. Come on. You're telling me you would take Isabella over Sophia Vergara?

Sophia Vergara has childbearing hips. But she's not a fatty. You know what I mean? She's got a fatty, but she's not fat. You know what I'm saying? They're beauty standards, no Instagram back then. Oh, my goodness. It just seems wild that they did have beauty standards

because if you look at Isabella, the picture, she looks very different than the painting. To me, that indicates that they knew something was up and that this whole thing of like, oh, people that were fat were more attractive. This is revisionist history. This is British propaganda. They were like, no, no, no, they weren't fat.

They were hot, actually. You don't know, actually. They were actually super hot. And the hair, if their hair looked like... Princess Leia. Yeah, if their hair looked like Star Wars, that actually was the hottest because they meant they were from the future. This is revisionist history to the T.

I'm not a fan of any of this. I fully adhere to the idea that, like, being lightly tanned and, you know, volumptuous is always going to be the hottest thing across time. Fair. I mean, look up, here, do something. Search ancient carving of a woman's body. Look, these are not thin women, but they're not fat. The Venus figurine, that one is fat. Yeah.

That one, I don't know what's going on with that. Maybe she's pregnant. I don't know. That's... My last Tinder day. But the torso of Aphrodite, look at that. I mean, okay, that's... Is that not the one?

No, that one right there. Look, that is great. That's not fat. That's perfect. That is the prime female form. Gay blur half of this, by the way. Yeah, it's hilarious. We have to blur that.

But, yeah, I mean, it makes sense. That is the ideal woman, okay? Yeah. Beautiful bosom, great hips, no head, no arms. Okay? That is the ideal. That is what men truly want, okay? So, yeah, I think we can agree, all right?

I mean, look, Michelangelo's David sculpted way back when. When was it even? 1,200? Who knows? Let's find out, actually, because I'm embarrassed. I don't even know when Michelangelo's David was made. 1501. All right, I wasn't that far off.

Yeah, sure. 300 years. 1501. And this is what the ideal male form was, which is so funny that people were like, yo, there's rumors that Michelangelo was gay. Have you heard this before? Yes.

Oh, there's rumors. Some people suspect. He was obviously gay. Why? All day, he just drew a dude's dicks. And his name was Michelangelo. But he drew them smaller. Yeah.

Than they actually were because it was thought of as obscene. Sure. Okay, he made him a little petite, okay? Which I would argue that's even gay. Or they're like, you're considering like the beauty of the phallus. You know what I mean? Like, if you're a straight sculptor, you're like, look, this is what it looks like. I'm drawing it the way it was.

Da-da-da. That when I draw it. I just draw what I think they look like. I'm not trying to sculpt the ultimate penis, okay? But now these guys, Michael Angelo, back in the day, him and his boys, they were like, what can we make? We can make anything. The torso of Aphrodite?

A beautiful woman? No, I'm drawing dudes' penises all day. And my name is Michaelangelo. Tell me, if you ever met a guy, he's like, hi, I'm Michelangelo. You'd be like, okay, well, you're a little creative. You know what I mean? Hey, Michael. You're an Italian, you know?

Well, there was a ninja turtle, Michael Angelo. And what was his weapon? I don't remember the two. Dildo. It was, I'm pretty sure. I've never seen an intro, but I'm pretty sure it was something to that effect. It was phallic.

Fleshlet. I'm just saying, dude. I don't know. Michael Angelo? I mean, it's not like he chose his name. His parents knew. They probably named him like, I don't know, something's sick.

They named him Balthazar. And then when they saw him running around in his sister's slippers, they were like, all right, Michael Angelo. I'm just saying, it doesn't seem like a misdemeanor. to me that he was gay. The greatest artist of all time, the straight guy.

Hard time believing that. Anyway, this was a battle over bird poop. Can we get back to this? Nearly half of all government revenues for Peru, half of the government revenues for Peru came from guano, harvested from the islands, unable to sustain itself and with widespread unrest threatening the country, the Peruvian government collapsed because it didn't have enough bird shit. Can we get a picture of this guano? Can we see what that looks like? On January 14th, 1866, a new Peruvian regime declared war on Spain and determined to regain the islands so critical to its economy. Wow. The war evolved into mainly a naval conflict with Spanish ships engaging Peruvian forts and land batteries.

Armed conflict ended 1866 when the Spanish fleet withdrew. The Chincha Islands and their valuable bird droppings remained disputed territory until 1879. Peru finally gained control of the bird droppings which fueled so much of the national economy. That's crazy. That most of Peru's economy was based off of bird poop. Guana or guano. Wow, it's a rich organic fertilizer. It's composed of seabird droppings. It was a significant economic asset. Wow. Go to the images. I want to see what this thing looks like. I mean, you couldn't just bring these seabirds somewhere else. Oh, that thing, what is that? This looks like a piece of clay. Oh, look at these guys. They're still doing it to this day.

click on that. Whoa. Don't they get sick doing this? I mean, it's probably not good for you. Anytime you see a picture of a guy with a bag on a shoulder, he's getting sick. Yeah. It's just, yeah, you're getting, pick a place, pick a time. If you're doing this with a bag on your shoulder, you're not having a good time, all right?

You're here for a short time, not a good time, I guess. Yeah, this is not an illustrious job. It's what you got to do, though. You know, some people in different places, they've got different ways to ride. but the fact that they were harvesting bird poop and that this was a major source of contention. This guy's wearing a mask. Yeah, no, he probably has COVID.

Working overtime, respect. It is. It sounds dumb, I'll be honest, where it's like, oh, you're fighting over bird poop. Oh, so dumb. But also it's like, okay, you're fighting over oil. What is oil? That's just dinosaur bones, right?

Right. And what are dinosaurs? Birds. Not all of them. A lot of them. basically birds. Look at, you know dinosaurs had feathers, right?

This is like a, I don't even know. This is like disputed, I think. But like a lot of people are like, oh yeah, we think dinosaurs actually had feathers. They were like they were more related to like giant chickens, all right?

They were basically giant chickens. Some dinosaurs had feathers. Look at that. The T-Rex might have been fully feathered out. He might have looked like he was at Carnival. That is what dinosaurs apparently looked like, that they were just, that's what the T-Rex's sound was.

That's a T-Rex noise. Like that's, most dinosaurs, I did, every dinosaur's feathered out. They were all that, they look like Native Americans, bro. That's what dinosaurs wore it. They had a whole headdress. And all I'm saying is that what is oil? Let's say it's dinosaur bones, okay? What are dinosaurs?

Those are birds. It's like, oh, you went into a whole war in Iraq and invaded the Middle East over what? Dead birds? Dead birds, fossils? Fragile washer. So look, it sounds kind of dumb, but at the same time, I'm like, no, I get it. So yeah, sure, it can be kind of reduced to being a dumb thing. I'm going to say this one, not petty at all.

This seems like the most war of all the wars. It's like, hey, you're taking our land to grab resources? That is, what is like Russia and Ukraine? It's like, oh, there's rich minerals here. We're going to take that. And America's like, okay, we're going to protect Ukraine, but give us the minerals. It's like, okay, everyone's just fighting over resources. And this is literally a giant resource that you can fertilize food for your entire country, feed everyone.

This is the least petty. This is just a, that's a war. This is a, this is a, that's just a war. I respect that a lot. Um, all right, we got one more. One more. One more. Dumb war. The Toledo dispute.

Do you know what Toledo is? Ohio? You're exactly right. 1835, the states of Ohio and Michigan went to war kind of over Toledo and a long, fertile, important strip of land running across their border. It all started with the area now known as the Toledo strip. Can we get a picture of the Toledo strip? I bet you it's beautiful.

The city itself was included along with the mouth of the Mammy River. Maumi River? Let's just go with Mommy River. Mamacito. Yeah, hell yeah. The Poppy River.

Leading into Lake Erie, the farmland around there was seen as being particularly fertile and possibly financially important. Plus, the river and the Toledo Port were major economic assets. So the land of Ohio and Michigan were both

desperately wanting to have access to all that. Without very clear boundaries, having been marked out in the prior century, both territories thought they were the ones with rightful access and dominion over Toledo and the Toledo Strip, which is now, I believe, a gentleman's club located in Ohio, I think. It should be. If it's not, I'm patenting that immediately. Or what you ask for when you get a wax? Yeah, also, yeah, yeah, yeah, give me one straight line down the middle of fentanyl. The whole thing came to a head in 1835.

when Michigan petitioned the federal government for statehood. In doing so, they included Toledo in the entire Toledo strip within their borders. What did Ohio think of this? They were pissed. Ohio was like, uh-uh. They didn't want to give up what they felt was theirs. I mean, it's named Toledo. So as we know, that's Ohio, you know what I mean?

Quickly, each state's governor passed legislation making it illegal for residents of the Toledo strip to submit to the authority of the other state. Ugh, how awkward. You're rushing a fraternity and you're like, everyone's making promise to this. I don't know, everyone's got a good offer. Both states then sent militia members to the respective sides of the Toledo strip. Thankfully, no militia men actually fought each other and nobody died.

They mostly just taunted each other for a while from across the disputed state lines, which is so very gay. They just made fun of each other. Oh, you want to have this jam? That's so dumb. Shoot someone, dude. They just looked each other from across the state lines only once ever firing shots

which missed all their targets. In the end, one person, person was injured. Joseph Wood, he's a law enforcement officer, who was stabbed during a minor dust up as a part of the land dispute. Thankfully, he survived. By the summer of 1836, the U.S. Congress wanted the whole thing to end, so they brokered a compromise. Ohio would get claimed to the entirety of the Toledo Strip. In an exchange, Michigan got three quarters of the Upper Peninsula for themselves. At the time, Michigan felt that they got the raw into the deal. However, it turned out the upper peninsula was very rich in minerals and it ended up working out okay for him. See, there you go. That's just a good lesson right there. Hey, just sometimes it all works out. God's looking out for the Michiganders, you know? They didn't think it would at the time, but Michigan was in dire financial straits as they entered the union. So they didn't have much sway to be able to turn down Congress's compromising demands. So it was one of these strangest, quote, wars in American history that was kind of fought over Toledo.

I mean, that is probably the dumbest civil war. Like, of all, like, the internal American strife that's ever happened, civil war, you're like, yeah, that's completely justified. I'm trying to think, what else? When people in Philly destroyed Philly after they won the Super Bowl or something, like, all right, justified. This, Toledo, have you been to Toledo? No. Not worth fighting for. I'll be honest with you.

Sorry, Ohio. It's really not. Is it a war if nobody does? Yeah, I mean, what even counts as a war, right? It seems more like a skirmish. A dispute. I think that's probably a better way to put this. A dispute.

This is a dispute. It's a domestic dispute. Right? Like when a married... A married couple, they're yelling at each other. Is that a fight? Is that a war? It's a dispute.

It's a dispute. That's all. You know? She goes on a girl's trip to Miami. She goes on a girl's trip to Miami. That might be a war, actually. That, I think, is... That is, you got to call in American troops to invade Spain.

Dog the bounty hunter. Exactly. You got to invade Cuba and you got to say, hey, what you guys are doing down in Miami to my wife, uncalled for, okay? Get all these poppies out of here. I agree. She went to Poppy Steak, run by a six-year-old. You've got grand ideas from his mom. Anyway, use some of the dumbest wars, dumbest tensions, dumbest disputes.

And, yeah, here's our ranking. Yeah, let's read. I think French pastry's got to be the pettiest Because it's like, look, yeah, you got your shit ran You know what I mean? That's the game. Like, you got jacked. I'm sorry. Like, you don't have to start a whole war over it. And the fact that people died in that one, crazy. Right. So that one I'm going to say is probably the most petty. And then The Toledo dispute, I mean, if we even count that as a war, I'm like, I don't even know. But also, I would put that low because I'm like, that is like land. If you're fighting over land, that's just every one. wherever, so whatever. Bird poop is over minerals, so

not petty. Yeah, so I'm fine with that being not petty. Football war I'm going to put higher. I think football war is got to be two. Really? Because, look, it is ultimately a war over immigration, which if you want to fight a war over that, I mean, whatever, but it's also like you did it after a football game,

which is you're dumb, you're a bitch. You're a bitch for that. You guys lost. But you played soccer. Yeah, and you lose a game, you don't start a war over it. That's very dumb. Like, look, I get, It makes sense to me, but also dumb. Right. And then the Greek, and then the stool, I think, look, that both y'all got to be like, hey, we got beat.

The other guy's going to be like, hey, I shouldn't send your stool. You know what I mean? And then I think Greek dog. Yeah, the Greek dog, that one, like, I can understand both sides. Bird poop, that's a fully reasonable war. And then Toledo, I don't even know if you can count that one. And Jenkins' ear, we didn't even include that one. I'm going to put Jenkins' ear maybe at, like, four?

Yeah, probably maybe even five. I don't know, somewhere in there. But yeah, those are the pettiest disputes, conflicts, wars, and human history. Maybe we miss some. And if we did, I would love to know, please shoot me a comment, write me a letter, maybe send me a gift in a box, including a small little piece of paper, hidden, and a secret cubby that contains the secrets of the most petty war of all time, if that's what you'd like to do. I would love to know what you think. I would also love just some comments here, just fuck Miles, drop one of those in the chat just for the vibes. And as always,

this has been an episode of camp. This has been tent talks. And I appreciate each and every one of you for holding us down and listening and supporting this show. It means the world. I read every one of your comments, the good and the bad.

And I appreciate you guys for just holding us down and just being with us, you know? We're experimenting with all sorts of different types of content, talking to experts, talking to people with crazy life stories, just having my comedy buddies. And then sometimes just talking to y'all, which I enjoy quite a lot, to be honest with you.

So please write a comment. Let me know what you're thinking. If you have other topics for future episodes, I would love to know. Shoot me an email, drop them in the comments here. And as always, we got merch on the website. You can see that in the description. And also, I'm on the road.

Check me out. I would love to see you. After every show, I say what's up to everybody that came out because it means the world to me. I mean, just a few years ago, I was doing open mics in Orlando, Florida. I had a coffee shop for four drunk people. And now we get to go on the road

and actually meet real comedy fans that like to hear wild jokes and it just absolutely blows my mind that that is my life. It is truly a mind-bending experience. So I'm excited for you guys to come out and see me there. And as always, I'll see you here every week,

twice a week, even sometimes on Sundays over at Religion Camp. We are dropping content all the time and I'll see you there. Peace. If you've made it to the end of this episode, that's because you rock with us. And for that, we rock with you.

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