Camp Gagnon - How America Annexed The World : Greenland, Texas, Hawaii

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code CAMP at shopmando.com! #mandopod #sponsored #ad YO! Today we take a deep dive into the fascinating history of US annexations. From the Louisiana Purchase to the acquisition of Hawaii and Puerto Rico, we talk about the complex and often controversial ways in which the United States has expanded its territory over the centuries. Join us as we talk about Andrew Jackson's failed assassination attempt, the Battle of the Alamo, and the CIA's involvement in coups around the world! WELCOME TO CAMP! 🏕️Shoutout to our sponsors: Mando, MagicSpoon, Huel, Morgan & Morgan, Bluechew and Prize Picks Prizepicks: https://prizepicks.onelink.me/ivHR/CAMPMagicSpoon: https://magicspoon.com/campHuel: https://huel.com/camp🏕️ FREE NEWSLETTER HERE: https://camp.beehiiv.com/Guest : Lucas ZelnickTIMESTAMP: 0:00 Intro1:10 Canadians Are Confident In Their Sexuality5:42 Problems With Politics 9:13 Population of Canada + How To Pronounce Gagnon11:59 Reasons For Bidding on Greenland20:48 Louisiana Purchase + Trail of Tears30:53 European or Just a Gay Guy?32:46 Jefferson's Second Thoughts37:04 Different Kinds of Democrats and Republicans40:13 First People In Florida + North Sentinel Island49:52 The Acquisition of Florida + Andrew Jackson’s Failed Assassination55:22 Bryce Mitchell + Slave Rebellion1:00:10 Adams Onis Treaty + Battle of the Alamo + D-Day1:06:47 Annexation of Texas + Paternalization1:10:16 Fascism + Another Trump Term1:18:43 Polk Wins Presidency + Chaz Capitol Hill 1:24:44 Expansion Leads To War + 48 State Country1:31:05 Purchase of New States + Greenland Size1:38:00 Gadsden Purchase + Jackson Mississippi1:43:12 Purchase of Alaska1:50:46 Tuvalu1:53:40 America's History With Japan and China1:56:57 Japanese Culture2:03:05 Purchase of Hawaii2:11:29 Last Monarchy of Hawaii + Presidents Who Are Related2:17:03 Opposition to Hawaii Purchase2:19:02 Acquiring Puerto Rico + Spanish American War2:26:50 CIA Coups2:30:31 Anguilla + Virgin Islands2:32:55 How To Acquire Land Today

All of Canada, allegedly, according to Trump, is going to become the 51st state. But Greenland is the one that has brought up a lot of controversy because it seems like he's really angling to get greenland. Some people even speculate that Elon is one of the people pushing Trump to try to get it because what does Elon need? All sorts of rare precious minerals. For his Mars. To go to Mars. To build batteries for cars to do other type of Elon-esque things. How can you be anti-immigration pro buying and making Greenland America?

It's the perfect strategy because you say you don't want him here. send him to Australia. Australia is, that's perfect. And we're going to be discussing Trump's desire to get Greenland, Canada, potentially Mexico,

potentially Gaza, and the history of all the other annexations and how this great union came to be. Remember when they told the Spanish, like, hey, we're not going to, we don't want Texas. We don't want Texas.

Why would we want that? They went back on their province and said, no, no, no, we're going to take it. Now, call me crazy.

You're crazy. There you go. That's our pod. This is like, by the way, this is what a podcast should be. is a guy with shoulder length, long hair, mostly reading facts that other people wrote.

Exactly. Precisely that. Riffing on it in a tent. This is podcast. I think we peaked. This is the podcast. We've literally peaked and we haven't even got the Hawaii yet. Please don't cut this out of context, by the way.

It's the opening of the pot, actually. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to camp. Yes, we're here in the tent for another tent talk. You know what this is. This is where I explain the most interesting, fascinating, and controversial topics from around the world to my dumbest friends. And oh boy, today we got a real good one. We got my dear friend, Lucas Zelnick, everybody.

It's a pleasure to be here. You're looking over my shoulder. I guess I'm looking there. If you want to. Yeah. You also, you don't have to know it. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much.

It's official. I just wanted to match your energy. I appreciate that. How are you, brother? I'm good, man. This is so cool. Does everyone come in here and say that? Is that the first thing everyone says?

They typically compliment my outfit, but then they'll talk about it. I like your outfit, too, but the set outweighs the outfit. The set is incredible. Thank you. I appreciate that. So many podcasts are uncomfortable physically to do. Yeah. No one's talking about it.

Yeah, physically uncomfortable. Like, literally, like, you have lower back pain by the time. And for some reason, it is the longest format of entertainment combined with the least comfortable places to do it. That is a good point. Yeah. Yeah. That was my whole goal for this is I was like, I just want to be deep in the woods with my friends, doing drugs, talking. All right.

I used to stay in a tent like this in the summers in Vancouver Island. Funny mentioned Vancouver, because Vancouver, allegedly, according to Trump, is going to become the 51 state. All of Canada. All of Canada will be 51. Yes. I was just in Canada. I said, I can't wait to have you guys as a state. And you know what the crowd's thought about that is they didn't like that comment.

They actually don't think it's very funny. Yeah, they don't like that. Yeah, I'm curious about this. And that's going to be the topic of today. And we're going to be discussing both Trump's desire to get Greenland. to get Canada, potentially Mexico, potentially Gaza, and the history of all the other annexations and how this great union came to be.

So I'm curious, you as a Canadian, you're a full-blown Canadian. I'm a dual citizen. You're like basically 100% Canadian. Border raised in New York City, I would say I'm on 98% Canadian. 99. You have a Canadian sensibility. I do.

I do have a Canadian. You're like a genuine guy. I'm not actually that polite, but I do. I do love Canadians, and I, you know what I think is I don't think that they're nicer than we are. I think they're more confident in their sexuality than we are. I'm listening. Because, like, I go to shows, when I tour, Canada shows far and away have the most young men at the shows. When I do shows in the South, the young men that come, and I'm talking about, sorry, young straight men.

There's actually plenty of gay guys. I say everywhere. There's the, I mean, listen, I love gay guys, but holy cow. How, boy, are you guys coming out to the show? Which is great. Keep coming. But that's, again, more confidence in their sexuality. More confidence in their sex. They've already sort of, they're like, we're gay.

And they're like, no gay guy is like, well, maybe gay guys are insecure to be gay. But no gay guy wants to look straight once they're out. Yeah, exactly. They want to, many of them want to look really gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is like, that's, you know. But a lot of guys in the South will come and they'll be like, yo, I think your comedy's so funny, no homo. And I don't know if it's that I'm young or if I'm not successful enough.

Like, because it feels like they're not doing that to like big acts. You know, no one's going up to like Louis C. Kane is like, you're great, but like, I'm not gay. Maybe that's because he's ugly. I don't know what the story is. But what I can say is that guys say that to me, but not in Canada. More young men come out. They're just like, you're funny. And I'm waiting for the like pause.

And it's like, that's it. Do they acknowledge the gayness about that? Like, do they say you're funny? And also, I'm vicarious. They don't even say that. They think they're straight. And they're calling me funny. They truly think that.

Yeah. Why are you complimenting a guy coming to my show? You're gay. Yeah, right? Like how else? I mean, I think that, I wonder what that is. I feel like in America you have, I don't know, you're a handsome guy, right? I believe so.

And I feel like at some of the shows, like you probably get like a good mix of men and women. And that in America, I wonder if some of the guys are like, wait a second. If there's girls here, then I must be gay. I think that's happening. Which is also like. It's a bummer because there's an amount of funny where that thought doesn't happen, and I just don't think I'm that funny. But that's going to push you.

It will. That's going to be your Jordan moment where you're like, hey, I take this personally. I want to be so funny, no one wants to fuck me. Which there's always going to be like chuckle fuckers. Yeah. But the guy, I do still think there's guys who come. And I'm also talking to the guys in the meet and greet line. Now, I will say this.

If you're a stray guy getting in the meeting. greet line in my show. That is a little... You have a secret. It's a little gay. You don't got to meet me. That's, that's pushing it. But they'll come and they'll be like, there's a lot of girls here. And I'm like, yeah, I don't... Because my act's not really for women, but... Who's it for? Classists. I'm like an elitist person.

Like, I'm a rich kid. I own it. I don't feel bad about it. And I don't feel the need to, like, change my vocabulary or cater to be more. more broadly appealing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyone that's pretentious or looks down on others or thinks they're better than them or thinks they're on some kind of moral high ground, that's who I'm poor. That's the demo. That's really who it should be for.

And so if someone comes up to you after the show and says, hey, man, I really love your comedy. You really made me laugh. Also, I'm not poor. Yeah. That's the right way. That's, yes. Or, like, people in Iowa are dumb and, like, they should be on the fentanyl that is, like, ravaging their counties.

That's, like, my, that's my target demographic. So as long as they don't say that and they say, sorry, I'm not gay, I go, I'm probably not funny. That makes sense. So when you go to Canada and you tell them, hey, you guys are going to be the 51st state. You feel like they want to be sovereign. They want to be Canadian. I think so. It's interesting. I think, you know, patriotism and nationalism are typically sensations I associate with right-leaning politics. I can see that. And yet, if you're ultra right leaning in Canada right now, you would actually be more likely to be pro-Trump, in which case you might be more likely. Politics is getting all fucking sideways.

I feel like right and left is like no longer even a good explanation. It feels like a fucking like a compass now where it's like there's north, east, southwest, because there's pro-Trumpian politics. But if you look at like what Trump is doing, like, for example, economically speaking, with tariffs, right? It's a nationalistic policy. It's not a right-leaning economic standpoint. An economic standpoint would say would be, like especially libertarian would be pro-globalism. It would say United States has grown out of a manufacturing economy.

we should be a skilled work economy. We should outsource manufacturing to foreign countries and we should have, you know, negative net exports or whatever. That would be like the most economic way of putting it. But now Trump's made tariffs, which should actually be an adverse thing for the economy, but a good thing for like pro-American rah-rah politics. But those are at odds because I used to be fiscal right-leaning. policy. I don't know what the policy is. It'd be nice to see like, like nationalist, like far lefty liberal types. Yeah. Like, hey, I'm trans and I love this country. You know what I mean? Like there are two flags. Naples, Florida. I met some fucking transnationalists. Yeah, that's what we need. We need a transnational. Florida's got them all. Yeah, that is. And we're going to talk about Florida, how they got added to this beautiful country of ours. And then the Greenland thing is fascinating. So I don't,

the Canada thing, I don't know if Trump's actually trying to get Canada. I feel like he He's just trying to like just pump fake, just like little bro him. You know what I mean? I feel like he's trying to give him a nougie. It could be genius. Here's the thing. It could be genius if he's so, if he's such a hard ass, he's basically over leveraging our position,

which is probably a move he used in business all these years in New York where he's like, I just have more money and power than you. And therefore I'm going to say something insane, but ultimately what's going to happen is you're going to yield to my perspective in some way. And I'm not exactly going to do 100% of what I see. said I was going to do, but I am going to get a better deal as a result of scaring the shit out of you. You've been reading art of the deal, I can see. If that's what happens, then I guess I understand. But to me, I'm like, dude, like, must we fight with Canada? Like, they're so nice. It's like walking

into like the lunchroom and going up to the autistic kid and just pouring fucking cup of milk on him. Like, we got to do that. Yeah, and you're allowed to say this because you're 100% Canadian. Yeah, I'm the autistic kid in this situation. Exactly. I'm getting milk dumped on my head. And for the record, you are a dual citizen, right? Yeah. I'm also a dual citizen. So we make a full Canadian.

We do. Between us. So I don't know if there's anyone more well equipped to discuss this. One of the two of us at any point in time will be a full Canadian on the pod. That would make the other a full American during that discussion, but we can switch. Precisely. Now, I also think to Trump's point, have you looked at where the population of Canada lies in proportion to its land mass? Tiny, right?

Let's pull up a map, shall we? I just need the population of Canada, like, in terms of density. Basically, the entirety of Canada is right on the border of America. Yeah. Like, it seems like if you're just looking at it, you'd be like, huh, it seems like they're trying to be close. You know what I mean? They're edging their way down. Like, they're trying to come into us.

Granted, have you been north of how north they are? Yes. It's a little Arctic. I was just in Edmonton. Oh, yeah. In February of last year. Yep. Or, yeah.

It sucks. I mean, there's no other way to put it. In February is tough. I went in June or July and it was beautiful. Probably long days. Oh, I believe it. But I just mean, like, of course you want to be as south as you can possibly be. You know, it's more south than Canada, though?

The boys. The great nation of the United States. Which, if they want to be a part of, I'm open to it, all right? think it would be a good get. We get Toronto. I think we get Vancouver. Give me all the French Canada. I would love.

They don't want to be Canadian anyway. I would love. Yeah. Well, the French Canadians, I actually don't want. I think we would have to re-addix them out. Because they're assholes, dude. No, they're chill as hell. It's Texas, basically.

They're sick, and they play great hockey. Quebec people are chill. I mean, dude, if you give them a SIG, if you get them a SIG and some 15. Maybe I've no ones without. Now I'm thinking of it. about it and I feel like they all needed a sick break. That's what I'm saying. And also, for the record, a lot of people have been giving me shit

for this. My last name is Gagnon. Yeah. And every time throughout the podcast, I get at least two comments every episode, people saying, why does he say his name wrong? I say my name wrong because Americans are dumb and they don't know that Gagnon is Gignoll. Yeah. They don't, I can't say Gignolle. And they go, what is, you know what is? Then you got to do a dance. It's a whole thing. I say Gagnon. I say it's phonetic. And it's not the way it's supposed to be pronounced. Okay. But I just do it. What are your parents say? Do they say Gagnon? It's crazy.

So my dad, his name is Francois Gagnon. Yeah. Maybe the most French Canadian name of all time. You guys by Frank Gagnon. Frank Gagnon. Frank Gagnon. And the only time he's ever said Francois, he was like on the phone. I don't remember with who it was like someone from like the airport trying to like switch a ticket for something.

And the airline lady was on there and he was like, yeah, yeah, my name's Francois. And he immediately goes into like the spelling. He's like FRA. And the woman goes, I know how it is. I know how to spell it. He goes, do you know how to spell Francois? She goes, yeah, don't worry. And he goes, how do you know how to spell that?

She goes, I have a poodle. He's like, all right, great. She was like, his name is Francois, so I'm very, very familiar with it. So maybe we get Canada. Who knows? But Greenland is the one that has brought up a lot of controversy because it seems like he's really angling to get Greenland. Have you seen this? Explain to me because I want to hear the latest.

I know he's like always making offhanded insane comments. So as it stands now, he's like made some pretty serious, pretty serious like bids to the, the nation of Denmark. Because they are currently the people that control Greenland. Now, Greenland is this tiny, remote, icy little island with, like, a very sparse population. Greenland's, like, straight up Arctic, right? Let's pull up a picture of Greenland, shall we? If you look at Greenland, you'd be like, yeah, there's not a ton here, which is always

very funny to me. Greenland and Iceland, you've heard this whole thing. Can I say something, by the way? Please. I love podcasts where you can just pull shit up. Oh, it's great, right? That's awesome. Yeah, we're just looking at Greenland.

And you look at it, you're like, it's beautiful, but also it is ice. It's fully ice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's under there? Do we know? Probably just thousands of ancient civilizations that have just been covered by tundra. Yeah. That'd be my assumption.

Or probably just more ice, to be honest with it. What's Greenland like in the summer? Can we pull that up? I would imagine still ice. Do you think so? Ice in the summer? I think so. I don't know.

It also was a, oh my goodness. Wow. It seems nice. It looks very Danish with those houses. Yeah, doesn't it? What about? Okay, could we pull up, sorry. I'm not going to, I don't want to abuse my pull-up power, but it feels fucking good.

Can we pull up average temperature highs and lows in Greenland by month year round in Fahrenheit? Okay, thank you. So we were about to get Celsius to stuff in here, and I was going to be off my rocker. All right. Negative 18. Okay, so it's about, it's zero in the winter and then 32 to 50 in the summer. but you could deal with that. 50?

That's a balmy 50 degrees. I could deal with that, but that's like not. There's no good time. No. There's no T-shirt weather in Greenland. That's just not happening. It doesn't seem like. Now, have you heard the thing with Greenland and Iceland

that apparently when they were naming them, they were kind of, I forget who named them originally, but they were trying to throw people off and they were like, oh yeah, Iceland is like an icely wasteland. And then Greenland is all, you know, super nice. Yeah, it's quite actually the opposite. It's the exact opposite. That Iceland is like beautiful, lush.

like midsummer fantasy. Right. And then Greenland is... And we're not in the running for Iceland. Seemingly, we're not in the running for Greenland either, but we seem to believe we are. And it's not the first time. In 1946, Harry Truman offered Denmark $100 million in gold for the island. And they said no.

And they said, no, thank you. But back then, they were like, that's a fair offer? I guess. I mean, what is a fair offer for an entire, you know, a nation? Yeah, yeah. Which have ever seen what the Greenlanders look like? No, can I... It's a fascinating thing.

I was like, who lives in Greenland? Like, what's a Greenland stereotype? Are they white? Are they Inuit? They're more Inuit. They're more First Nations type. And so you see them and you're like, How can you be anti-immigration?

Bro buying and making Greenland America. I actually don't. I'm not sure I understand. It's the perfect strategy because you say, you don't want them here, but we need you guys there. Send them to Australia. Australia. Is Australia. Is Australia is fucking all.

That's perfect. That's exactly what it is. It is Australia. But I'm assuming this is not all of them. I'm assuming there's probably a couple of Danes that have pulled up. Danish whites can go. So it's like a mixture of Danish whites plus First Nations, Inuit types. Okay.

So they tried to get it back in the day because they were like after World War II, we need to have a military presence in the region. Okay. As it has been explained to me, it's a central opponent to America's Cold War defense strategy, missile detection, aircraft refueling and tracking Soviet missile activity. Greenland thus remained part of Denmark, yet it operated almost as a U.S. outpost fostering complex relationship between Denmark, Greenland, and America defense interests. It also has the establishment of the Tool Air Base in 1950 when it got put in. So basically, we needed to just respond to Soviets.

Now it seems like the situation has kind of gotten more complex. So Trump came out seemingly out of nowhere with this whole idea, like, hey, let's get it. Not only for the strategic sort of, you know, spying capabilities, but also because all the untapped natural resources. Okay. Oil, minerals, and rare earth elements critical to modern technology, chip development, all that shit. Some people even speculate that Elon is one of the people pushing Trump to try to get it,

because what does Elon need? All sorts of rare precious minerals. For his Mars. To get to Mars. To go to Mars, to build batteries for cars, to do other type of Elon-esque things. Elon chip. So, and so basically as like some people are speculating that some of the ice is going to be melting on Greenland, that's going to have more accessibility to not only military strategy being able to get some resources, but also trade routes are going to open up. Some of the ice is melting. Now you have all these strategic trade routes. China's going to be going through there. China's now basically put themselves as like an Arctic adjacent landmass. And China's like, yeah, we're going to be shipping through here. And in order to control commerce, you got to control the shipping routes.

So it's It's maybe partially even like a ramping up Cold War with China vibe China and Russia both like, hey, we need this piece of land spy on both you guys and control the trade routes. Now, call me crazy. You're crazy. There you go. That's our part.

But China and Russia are not making they are partnering rather than becoming like imperialists they're just partnering with each other they're allying why are we not ally

why would that not saying hey Canada get in here hey Greenland get in here but like why must they get in here why can't we just be on the same team because now they're all pissed at us the fucking I saw the Denmark

guy he was pissed he was like it is not for sale yeah exactly not for sale I'm like I don't I don't need like a frustrated old English second language white guy telling us he's mad at us. Yeah.

Now, like, Denmark's obviously not going to step to us. So he's right, but what, we need, like, them to just be annoyed. Yeah, there must be a better way to go about it, right? Yeah. Because we already have the Air Force base. Yeah. But I'm assuming they just want to be able to be like, hey, we're going to do whatever we want. We're just going to take all of it.

Yeah. Right? Like, think about it this way. Louisiana, Texas, they probably have stuff we need. They got oil in Texas and shit. And imagine we had to partner with Texas as his own sovereign nation and have to do a trade deal

with Texas to try to get the oil. That puts us at a disadvantaged position. This is probably what Trump beat those thinking. Old Trump dog's like, hey, let's just steal it and then we can just milk it for all it's got. Here's the thing. I'll say this. I don't think any of this shit

is going to happen. And as a result, I think he's an idiot. However. What is a big butt coming up? If he pulled one of these off, I would be like, I'm actually the idiot. Because the truth is, I guess if you could pull this off and not create a global conflict,

and Denmark was just like, you know, they're trying to step to us and be like, it's not for sale, and then all of a sudden there's a price for everything, and then it is for sale. And then we have it, and then Elon goes to Mars using the precious minerals from Greenland, and the Inuit people are just there, like, cold or whatever they do.

They can go to Mars too, if they can... That's a part of the deal. Now, like, Mars is Inuit. so there's like lean twos on Mars. I don't really know exactly how it'd shake out. If any of this like low percentage shit actually hit, I think that would be, I'd be like, damn, this guy knows something I don't.

But my great suspicion is none of this shit's going to hit. People are going to get angry. And the best case scenario is they'll forget about it. And the more likely case scenario is they'll mostly forget about it, but they'll like us a little less as a result. And the very low percentage chance, is like we actually make some real enemies out of our friends that harm us going forward. I think that's unlikely.

That's not an unreasonable position because like I'm even looking at a tariff thing and I'm like if a bunch of people stop dying of fentanyl overdoses, which apparently this whole tariff thing is contingent upon, right? Like stopping the cartels in Mexico, putting sanctions on China because they're making the fentanyl trying to put death penalties on the people that are making it, yada, yada, if all of a sudden no one dies of fentanyl anymore, then you might be like, this guy pull it off. But it's really contingent on whether or not.

the downriver thing actually happens, which I think is reasonable. But if you look at, you know, the French and the Louisiana purchase, right, they would be. So how did that go down? Because I don't know the specifics of how we got Louisiana purchase. 1803, it looks like a masterstroke in modern geopolitics. But at the time, it stirred up a whole political storm and raised a bunch of conspiracies and personal ambitions and betrayal, yada, yada. When an 18th, In 1803, how much Earth did they think there was? Do you know what I mean? That's a decent point.

I like that. I'm like, here's the thing. In 1803, was the Earth round or was the Earth flat? I think the Earth was round. I think the Earth was round. Okay, so the Earth is round. Just barely round. Barely round.

Yeah, it was like, new sign. It's round, but it's like not even like, if someone was like it's flat, people wouldn't be like, you're an idiot. They'd be like, actually, it's round. Yeah, yeah. It was like MRNA or like AI or something. Right. You know, it's like, yeah, we know about it.

Yeah, like, I heard it's round now. Mm-hmm. But it was, it's like us with Pluto now. We're like, I don't, I don't exactly know. I don't even really know the situation of Pluto to be on the field. I haven't researched that yet. I think in 1803, that's how people felt about the Earth. Like, your average guy probably didn't know how to read.

Your average guy probably was like, yeah, it goes as far as I can see. It's probably flat. So you can have it. Because there's going to be more. There's a thousand more Louisiana's that we can go scoop up. By the way, 1803, it's like Native Americans are just going. Down, down, at this point. Yeah, they're not having the best time.

No. I mean, at this point, I don't even know what the situation of the Native Americans are. Like, France just has the whole. When was the Trail of Tears? When was the starting end of the Trail of Tears? Let me think. Andrew Jackson, I'm going to guess 18-6.

No? Let's split the difference. 1830, there you go. That's the start date. Okay, so 1803, in fact, we've not yet. Wow, there were more horrors to come. So, yeah. I mean, that's kind of the story of American history, right?

It's more horrors to come. There's always more horrors to come. Yeah, that's the story of all history. Yeah, just sit on the edge of your seat because there's more horrors to come. Don't worry. Yeah, tune in next week. Yeah, exactly. So 1803, like, land acquisition as an idea is, like, about to kind of pick up steam.

Yeah, I mean, everyone's got colonies. Everyone's got, like, imperialism. Imperialism has already spread all through the Americas, North Africa, Central America, South America, Everyone's got a piece, right? So as a matter of fact, 1800, Spain secretly ceded Louisiana to France under Napoleon, making America's access to the Mississippi River and the vital port of New Orleans precarious.

The land wasn't even up for sale. That's what's so crazy. So this was basically a gut punch to the president at the time, Thomas Jefferson, who saw the Mississippi as the lifeline of American commerce. His alarm grew when he realized that the brilliant but ruthless Napoleon had his sights on the Empire. of the new world. Napoleon was like angling in America. He was like, yo, what if we just take all of America?

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So to him, a French controlled Louisiana was a time bomb and was going to choke off American expansion westward. I mean, can we just see on the map how big Louisiana purchase was? Keep in mind, we're like total underdogs at this point. Still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Europe is like, we're like,

we're not Europe at this point. No, no. Europe is the center of the world. Yeah, I mean, just look at this though, right? Like, we're, America's sovereign, right? Holy shit. It's a big chunk of land. That shouldn't be called the Louisiana. That should be called the most, the one-third of America purchased.

Yeah, literally. Like, all of America purchased. I thought it was Louisiana. No. It's the whole thing. And so America, as you can see, is obviously on this eastern part. That's like calling humans feet. Like, that is so hardly Louisiana.

That's- Oh, dude, I bought a guy's foot today. Yeah. And you bring in a whole human. A huge guy. Well, okay, it's technically true. Yeah. But you really brought in... That's like calling slavery feet.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah, we bought some feet. Dude, this is crazy. That's every state that sucks, plus some of the places I like to go skiing. That's nuts. Think about that, dude, right? I think Chicago's in there. Did they get...

Is Chicago in there? I think so, right? That looks like Chicago would be in there. Once you start losing the lines, you kind of get off track a little bit. Can we pull up with... I'm kind of scatting now. Can we pull off a modern map to see kind of what state that? we got in there. But it is insane. If you look

out it, you're like, yo, this is crazy. And as you can imagine, if you're in the east, you're like, yo, we need the whole thing. So that was France. Yeah, France controlled it. And then America was to the right of that. And to the left of that was Native American land. No one had touched that. I wouldn't say no one had touched. Like, it was being colonized and like it was in control. Mexico. I had a big chunk. And we'll get to that stuff.

All right. Here's a hot take. Of the states that we got in the Louisiana purchase. Yeah. I will take Colorado, Wyoming, Montana. Hannah. End of sentence. Brother, North and South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas,

Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, and Iowa? Yeah. Whatever we paid for those states was too much. But you got to think,

we need the whole thing. We need everything. Because we got to go west. You can't have just Iowa be its own country. Are you crazy? No, I know.

That is scary. That's insane. You can't have... Best to have them on our side. Right? That's what I'm saying. You know, the friend of my enemy is my friend or whatever. Is that what it is?

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You got to have a whole line. I was just out there driving, like, you go for a ride out in the Ozarks, out in Iowa. You drive from fucking this weekend. I drove from Madison, Wisconsin to Des Moines, Iowa. Let me tell you, I'm looking around. I'm going, this can't be expensive now to buy.

So I think that kind of goes, I think that goes... That goes into the whole thing because people always look at the Louisiana a purchase and they say, oh, it was criminally low. Yeah. The price was so low. Yeah. But if you look at really what we got, we paid for three and they just bundled it. Yeah.

They did a bog. What was the price? So. In then dollars and today dollars. So the whole thing gets a little wild, okay? So basically, Jefferson sends diplomats to Robert Livingston. No, he sends diplomats Robert Livingston and then James Monroe to France to try to buy New Orleans for 10 million. But the diplomats quickly realized that they were up against one of the most cunning leader.

in Europe, and many doubted that they'd be able to secure even a single port without falling into the French trap. What's the French? Just that the French were just, you know, trappers. They were for trappers. They were froners. They were, like, yeah, we'll give you the port, but we need the port, dot-da-da-da. We're also going to control upriver on the Mississippi.

They were just like, okay, we need more than just the- Can you imagine being nervous in a negotiation with France today? Well, dude, Napoleon was running the whole shit. Yeah, dude. He was like one of those scary guys in the world. Everyone gets a moment. I was actually just thinking about this. I was like, isn't that kind of nice?

Yeah. Right? You have like, you know, the England, you know, they had such a great run. Yep. The Italians with Rome, right? They had an amazing run. The French, they had this crazy little moment. Yep.

I mean, the Turks, right? The Ottomans, they were going buck wild for a little bit. The Russians, the Chinese. They all have their little window. Yeah. And right now's window might be now as well. Well, we'll see. But the house had paper.

Back when there was pay. And then we were like, oh, like, they made paper, but they're not having a moment. and then like the last 10 years happened and we're like, fuck, maybe they're having a moment. Yeah, maybe they're having a sick moment. Maybe they're sneaky. And they have fireworks before everyone. Did they?

Yeah, gunpowdered. That was like that big thing. I only just think about it as fireworks. I'm assuming that we went over them. That's very Florida. What the fuck? That's crazy. We're like, dude, we need that.

We're going to make that our big national. So Napoleon kind of comes out of nowhere. They try to get New Orleans and then Napoleon comes back with one of the craziest counteroffers ever. He says, hey, we actually had a change of heart. How about we give you New Orleans, but not just New Orleans. We give you the entire Louisiana territory, the whole thing, for $15 million. Why did he do that?

To everyone, it seemed like this was too good to be true. This is like crazy. Why would one of the most ambitious leaders get rid of such a vast stretch of land? Right. Some people believe that it was because Napoleon's empire was starting to crumble a little bit, right? The French were starting to lose a lot. So as we look at Haiti, there's this slave rebellion that happens led by two, Leuvature, who's a French, he's basically like destroying the French forces, right, with this,

with this rebellion. And so France is now losing that piece of land. They're losing a ton of other pieces of land. And Napoleon's like, we got to stop these. We need cash now. J.G. Wentworth, right? Yeah. So other people speculated the French economy was in shambles. Napoleon was playing this big high stakes game using Louisiana's sale to buy time and fund his wars back in Europe and abroad. But other people in France were like, yeah, this is crazy, we can't do this. So there's this whole controversy at the time.

Like, why are we getting rid of land in the new world? What's $15 million in Dens dollar? Like, what's that now? Can we actually look that up what the Louisiana purchase is valued at? Oh, there we go. $3.40 to $371 million. So basically...

Dude, I'm not even kidding. For all the land in North and South Dakota, that feels like roughly what it would cost today. But 340 to 300 you got to think that's also Denver. Yeah, you can't buy Denver. You can't buy Denver. Denver's got to be at least a trillion dollars. Right?

Like, who even knows? Like, I don't even know if that's Googlable. Yeah, I don't even know if we have the data. So just Denver alone. Yeah. Which also, you know, we put a little bit into it into the Renault. Yeah. So now it's like you can't really care.

Denver's a gut. We got it. We got to make Denver nice. If we want the architectural digest spread, we got to make Denver nice. Exactly. So they did a whole Reno project on Denver and we got that looking great. So if we ever to flip that, okay, back to the French, we'd make a crazy, we'd make a crazy bag off of that. And that would probably help. I feel like a lot of, you know, those central states. I'd be so funny if Iowa turned French. Right. It'd be so mad, dude. But it might be good for them, right? Yeah. For the Iowans to be a little more cultured. A little gayer, yeah. I think it could be nice. It would be great. Do you ever meet people in the U.S.? You're like, I can't tell if you're gay or European?

in? I met a lot of guys in Iowa who I was like, I think it's not okay to be gay here because you seem closeted. Like I met a lot. I went, going to the Midwest, there's some places still where, you know, Bible. I don't know where the Bible Belt is exactly, but like Midwest Bible Belt, yeah, like those Missouri's that kind of hit both. Dude, there are guys there where I'm like, you know, you could just come to New York and be gay. Yeah, you're a train right away from. being your true self. Yeah, you're here with your wife. Dude, no, no, no.

If you have a wife, if you get married, like, you're, that's what you are. Dude, you gotta meet these guys. You gotta hit the road more. This is the gayest proposition. You've been too busy torn with these fucking big dogs. Come back, come roll, hit the road with me a little bit, hit some comedy club.

Boots on the ground. You go to Springfield, Missouri, do some crowd work at the comedy club. By the way, fuck the Blue Room. I'll say it on this podcast because they scammed me. Really? So when I say at the comedy club, what I actually mean is they gave me a weekend at the comedy club, double booked me with another comic, tried to move me to a secondary venue and lie to me, and they put me in a jazz bar.

So fuck those guys. Did you do it? Did you do the jazz bar? Yeah. How was it? Well, I still had fans there, so I didn't want to like, jazz bar was actually pretty cool. They were nice.

But I was like, you can't just move me out in the comic club. That's crazy. Like, I had no green room. I had no, like, things that I need. And they probably bumped some jazz band and put them into like a Kroger or something. And then there's some fucking grocery store employee who got bumped to the street. It's a whole chain. It started a whole thing.

Yeah. And that's probably why Trump won. Now we're talking about it. In a way, right? Yeah. Yeah, it always comes back. Anyway, there's some closeted fucking guys there. Probably.

And there's going to be a lot more after the French takeover. Oh, yeah. But we don't know if that's going to happen. At the time, Jefferson was like, are we allowed to do this? Yeah. Because even he was like, there's no provision for buying foreign land. So for him to justify this land grab, it would have to be, you know, it's this ideological conundrum. And he had critics on both sides of like the French, but also Americans being like,

you can't just buy land. Like this is like, we're not the British. We're trying to get away from imperialism. We just fought a war over this. It's so funny for Thomas Jefferson in the age of like peak slavery. You know, they bring in a black guy. They're like measuring his head. He's like, yep, they're inferior.

But I don't know if we should buy this land. Like, he still has. less confidence about expanding America than Donald Trump does today. There's always been a thing with like early American history that I find so fascinating is that on the one hand, you have these like group of framers that are proper philosophers. I think we look at them as just like these sort of like, you know, colonial like avant-garde, you know, like kind of ruffians. They were proper philosophers. They were political scientists that were trained in the classics. Like they were true geniuses and constructed in a political document that will go down

at least in the past 500 years is like the greatest political document of all time, right? Like the Constitution, Declaration of Independence is fascinating. And they're like, all men are created equal. It sounds amazing. But then on the same time, while they're doing all this, just having slaves. Yeah. And then having children with slaves, having slave children, and then not freeing your slave children. Which is definitely like, listen, I wouldn't have slaves.

But if I did have slaves and I had kids with those slaves, I'd at least like to think, that I'd free the kids. At least. At the very least. I mean, ideally what I'd like to think is I wouldn't have slaves. But in a world where everyone's like, I gotta sign like you got to fly your own shoes.

In that world, I would at least think I would free my kids. At the very least. And he doesn't do it. It's just crazy. But at the same time, he's like, but all men are created eagle. How, I don't understand how they...

And he's also like, I don't want to step on France's toes here. Yeah. I would hate to look like an asshole. Slave! I don't know it look like a piece of shit. Human who I own Get here now or I'll whip you. Yeah, what if history looks poorly upon me?

You know what I mean? For buying Denver. Yeah. What if I get Iowa and everyone's mad at me? Yeah, right? Say! Come hit up. It's crazy.

So basically, in the expansion, people are arguing like his political federalist rivals in New England that this would tip the political balance in favor of southern and western and western agrarian interests, reducing federalist influence to a whisper. They seethed, as Jefferson's Democratic Republicans, painted the deal as an act of patriotic destiny.

Some federalists even began to discuss the unthinkable, secession from the union all over one little Louisiana purchase. Wow. Beyond the borders, Spain hated the deal also, claiming that the U.S. was overstepping its bounds. Spanish officials and nearby Texas and Florida territories saw this purchase as a violation of their rights and hinted that they might resist any American attempts to settle too far in the West.

So now the Spanish are like, wait, if you guys have a whole East and you have Louisiana and that whole strip, you guys are going to come for us next. Right. Dumb Spanish, right? These idiots? Yeah. Like, yo, what? We're going to stop right there.

Texas and Florida will stay under Spanish control forever. Don't worry about. Yeah, you guys got that. So it was this whole diplomatic thing. And even Jefferson's own cabinet was split with some wary of Napoleon's intentions, where the French luring the U.S. into this costly expansion trying to bankrupt the U.S. hoping to bog them down in disputes with Spain or the Native American tribes who called his land home.

Some feared that France's offer was a trap, a chance to dump an unmanageable territory onto the naive Americans. Nevertheless, Jefferson pressed ahead and secured a legacy as a visionary who unlocked the West. He would bend his principles, face down his critics, and gamble on Napoleon's motives. And, yeah, with just a struck of a pen,

the U.S. doubled its landmass, and by the end got all of Louisiana. Someone was like, yeah, the Native Americans are going to be mad, and the Americans are like, I think, well, yeah, it'll be fine. Yeah, we'll go in the casino. I'll call it even. Yeah, it's not a big deal. What's up, people?

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maybe the greatest acquisition in American history, the great state of Florida. I'm in pretty sick state. All time great state, okay? And I know I'm biased. I understand that. I'm not. And I'm, well, I am biased, but I'm biased against Florida.

Because I've had some of the worst shows of my life in Florida. Naples. What? Naples. Off the hook. What happened? First of all, everyone's 90. It's going to go ahead and be a nightmare immediately.

Okay. And those who aren't 90 are fucking idiots. Yes. That's basically Florida. Yeah, yeah, yeah, old and idiots. I mean, listen, I get it. You know, not everyone's a liberal New Yorker, but not everyone.

No one needs to be like that. The nicer the place, I do think, the dumber the people can be. Yeah. And I think sometimes the dumbness of my great state of Florida can indicate just how great of a place it is. Listen, I'll take a dumb Republican over a dumb liberal eight days a week. Yeah, yeah. A dumb, no one's more annoying than a dame.

dumb liberal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, a smart, educated liberal probably is annoying to a dumb Republican. Yeah. A dumb Republican, to me, fun. But I think the inverse is also true. I think sometimes a dumb Republican, or no, a smart Republican, more annoying than a smart liberal. Yes. A smart Republican and a dumb liberal are the worst two types of people on earth. A fucking Ben Shapiro asked, well, that's not actually what the facts say. Republican. and a dumb liberal who's like, no, that's just not allowed.

You can't, that's a right. Everything's a right. Everything that exists is a right. Yes. Those two people are the worst. The people that will talk you, that will pull out stats in a conversation about racism and the people who will call anything racist, including statistics, those are the two worst types of people on her.

Yeah. I think that's actually completely reason. Smart liberals, dumb Republicans, that is the natural form of political beliefs. Dumb Republicans who just want to have fun and not be lectured about how they're problematic because they just want to fucking shoot a machine gun and ride a jet ski and watch football

and say slurs. Like, I get it. With their friends. Yeah. Not a mean way. No, no, no. They don't want to, they don't want to commit hate crimes. No, no, no, no.

They want to chill out. And they want to sing. They want to say the things that they learn to say. And they don't want to have to change their vernacular because they're dumb. And they don't know what vernacular means. And so they don't want to know that. Exactly. And smart libs, you know, are tolerable.

Yeah. Because they have annoying perspectives, but they can back them up with fact and reason. And you kind of hear them out. You're like, oh, it's actually you're probably right. You laid that out. Yeah, yeah. You care enough to know. And so you know.

Yeah, yeah. Anyone else can suck a dick. And that's what makes Florida one of the greatest states of all time is that a lot of dumb Republicans. They're just there for a good time. They're just ready to party and just have an awesome night. Fair. It was controlled by the Spanish for a long time. And this, again, seems just like a straightforward little land deal. Like, oh, yeah, we'll just give you this for Florida. It goes way deeper than that.

It's a big old chess game, all right? Early 1800s, Florida is still under Spanish control. And actually, as a matter of fact, oldest city in America, if I'm not mistaken, St. Augustine, Florida. Yeah, I have heard. that. Can we look that up? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that is true. That can't possibly be true. It sounds like one of these things. It's the oldest city that's now in America. It's not the oldest American

city. I think it's the first city that was, yeah, oldest city. Yeah, there we go. St. Augustine is the oldest continuously inhabited European European-in-Chii-Indon United States. European-founded city in the United States. What is it? Can we search oldest city? Wait,

what do you think is oldest? Well, the oldest, it's Jamestown, Virginia? Is it? But I think that's Where the British rock? Where's Plymouth Rock? I think that's just like what became United States. So like the oldest American city. Yes, that's what I mean.

Yeah, it would be a British colony. But the oldest city, yeah, is St. Augustine. Exactly. Yeah, because the Spanish got there first and they were like, this is Spain. By the way, pulling up on, I always think about this, pulling up on like Miami and no one's there and you're in a boat. Yeah. And you're just like, oh shit. This is fire.

It's insane. There's probably a little bit of mosquitoes. Yeah. But you're comfortable. It's warm. It's beautiful. I wonder what they think. Genuinely.

I'm so curious. You just show up on a beach and you're like, we live here now? I can't imagine the amount of wonder and curiosity that guys felt. I sometimes feel that way when I open up the whole Pandora's box into like alien, UFO, visitation, things we've caught on camera. Like, they must have had that wonderment about shit that we just find completely not exceptional. Yes. You know? They were on a boat for, like, what, 300 days or some shit?

Well, first of all, there's got to be a level of fear, too, because it's like, I think for every, like, five landmasses you pull up on, like, three of them, like, tribes people come out with the phone ads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, get the fuck out of here. But I think, actually, from what I understand, most of the times when they landed there, the tribes people would be like, what's up? And they'd be like, what's up? And they would kind of like be chill a little. Well, there's, you know, the remaining uninhabited lands in America, you know, North Sentinel Island. North Sentinel Islands, dude.

These guys are badass. I deep dive on North Sentinel Island probably once every few months. Well, you're obviously familiar in that case with the U.S. missionary that went down there. I was like, yes. And old Chowman was like, y'all, I'm going to show them the Bible. And it's going to push their wigs back and they're going to accept Jesus Christ. And then they just shot him. Apparently, he went up with his kayak, and they shot him, and then he retreated.

And then he was like, I'm going back. That's the crazy far. They shot at him, right? They didn't get him, and then he went back. The guy just, I mean, God, he felt like he was going to fix their shit. I've never believed in anything as much as he believed in that. He believed in Jesus so much that it didn't even occur to him. He was going to show up, get shot in the face, beaten to death.

And also, while that happened, probably give half of him. Walpox or stuff. Like in addition to actually dying, he probably took a few of them with him off like random pathogens that he didn't even know he carried. Yeah, all in the way. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, have you heard of Michael Rockefeller going down to an uninhabited island? No. Like of Rockefeller fame. Yes. I think he's the nephew, I believe, of... Classic rich kid shit. It's insane. Daddy's a billionaire. I'm going to an uninhabited island. I'm going to teach him how to do God. Literally, it wasn't even God, I don't think. I think he was just like, viable with their whole thing.

That's like the 1800s version of becoming like a movie producer, which is what like rich kids do now. They're just like, I'm going to an island and I'm just going to fucking chill. So speaking to the Dutch, he, oh no, this is not Denmark. This is, yeah, the Dutch New Guinea, now part of Indonesia. Go to the images really quick. Just click on images right there. And you're going to see him chilling with these uninhabited folks.

right? He basically goes missing and they never find him. Some people believe that he drowned while on a raft trying to reach the land while he was living with them. Other people believe he was eaten by cannibals. Other people believe that he actually assimilated into the group and

to this day, or not necessarily to this day, but for the rest of his life was... How is he born? He's 140 years old living with Indonesian tribes. It's a blue zone, all right? They live to be like 190. But yeah, he Some people speculate that he actually went down there and...

Oh, 1961. And he's a young man. Yes. So there's no reason he couldn't be a lot... Well, it would be tough. He'd probably be like... He's probably like 40 and 61. Yeah, he'd be like 104 right now.

Something like that. He's probably fine. He's probably 104. Look up the picture of Michael Rockefeller alive. Search Michael Rockefeller tribe people alive. And there's some people that speculate. People have gone down to this part of Indonesia since in like the 80s and 90s and took pictures.

And if you click on that one right there, Yeah, click on that. Some people believe that this image shows a white guy on the boat of the people, and they believe that that is Michael Rockefeller. Dude. Crazy, right? Imagine drinking the Kool-Aid on that level. The craziest part? I would fully 1 million percent do this.

I do. There is a, like, so actually. I'm in a tent, right? This makes me think of when I used to go to Vancouver Island. I can't explain the beauty of. this outdoor location. It's like there's wildlife in it and where we would go, we'd go to this whole place called Clayquot Wilderness Resort. It's a very fancy hotel. Yeah, it's a glamping thing, but it's on this little tip. The only way you can get there is a seaplane. It's on this little

tip of completely protected national park lands. And I would sit in the hot tub. I know I'm an unlikable character, by the way. For every, by the way, I just want to let you know this might, I hope it doesn't happen, but every podcast I go on that I talk about my background, everyone's like, fuck this kid, why is he on here? And I just want to let you know, I know. I also hate myself. Yeah, I'm not like a likable guy, but you got, if you haven't been to Clayquot, you got to go because it's beautiful.

Oh, there's tense. This looks indigenous. It looks it, but it's so fancy. I mean, don't look up the rates. But you would be out there for a little bit and you'd be like, should I just live here? Dude, I had this fantasy where I get out of the hot tub. There's an estuary. Yeah.

Right? And I would just go into the hills and I would just go. Yeah. And I would just see how long I could make it. Yeah. Out there, I'm looking at 48, 60 hours top. I mean, I had, you know. And most till September.

I hadn't mesh shorts, burkenstocks, and just no sense of what the world had to offer. And you will get eaten by cougars out there. But damn, dude, that place is sick. That's what I'm saying. Michael Rockfeller, he caught a vibe. He was like, yo, should I just go down there and just kick it with these dudes? Dude.

They seem pretty chill. Yeah. Hunting all day, eating fruits. Just naked with them on a boat. With the boys. There's nothing more boys than joining a tribe. Like, there's nothing more just like boys time than just like going out hunting. Spears.

Just spearing some wild animal. Holding a spear and being surrounded by other dudes that are holding spears has to be one of the purest forms of boys. Dude, this picture right here. I think about this picture all the time. that's the boys. Yeah. Just you and your dudes all on horseback

with bows and arrows, just being like... Southern Utah, Northern Arizona, desert lands on your horses. Oh, man. Not a cell phone in sight. Just people being in the moment. Yeah.

Truly, it's like, I think about this all the time. As much as I'm kind of making fun on Michael Rockville, I'm also like, I could completely see my own dog. We are corrupted by these. This is what I was saying is, it would be crazy to throw one of these out. I couldn't, like, pull up on North Sentinel.

even in a world where they don't shoot me to death, which, to be clear, they would. And if they didn't, I'd kill them through pathogens. Yeah, you might get shot in New York. Like, people, like, are, you know, they don't really love you here. No, I'm not like a persona grata. Anyway, dude, if I whipped out one of these bad boys with these guys,

they'd be corrupted. And if I threw one of these out, I don't even know what the possibilities would be endless. Yeah. I wonder what the mind is. It's got to be a different, they're going to become a different species. if they exist there for long enough.

No, no, we are a different species with these. They are what humans are supposed to be. Well, whatever you want to say, I don't think we're going to be able to fuck them and have babies forever. I really don't. I think if we tried, let's go over and try and fuck some North Sentinelese women.

I know you're married and I have a girlfriend, but let's go try to fuck their wives. I hear they're friendly. They only, I'm sure if we, it's like, we're just here to fuck your wives. Yeah, yeah. It's just BDSM. You get burned a little. No big deal.

Dude, but their waters are blue out there. Yeah, they figured it out. They're absolutely having the best time. Anyway, sorry to sidetrack. You were talking about Florida. Early 1800s, all right? Florida's under Spanish control. The U.S., as it does, okay, is looking at Florida, keeping a keen eye concern

that it may become a haven for hostile Native American tribes, runaway slaves, and smugglers. All right. Too many American leaders. Wow, that's how we got Florida. is we're like we can't have our slaves got to Florida. But also, you know, the Spanish, they can't just be controlling a part of you know, our great nation, right?

So under James Monroe with the Secretary of State, John Quincy Adams, shout out to him. JQA. They tried to push for Florida's acquisition. Adams argued that Spain's grip on the territory was so weak that it was effectively lawless, a gateway for threats to the U.S. by diplomatic negotiations with Spain. They were slow

and frustrating, but, you know, Spain tied down by independence revolutions in Latin America knew it couldn't hold Florida much longer, but it wasn't eager to let it go away. Then came Andrew Jackson. So here's the thing. All these things have one thing in common, which is you have a crumbling empire with a weak grip on the territory such that the door is a little bit open to slide in because even though it's not for sale, you've got these like remnants of imperialism. And what we're proposing is like we're all part of the same landmass here. So we can have a strong

grip than you can. And by the way, you can like save face a little bit, get out of here before it becomes a complete disaster, and make some money while you do it. The only issue with that and now is the insinuation that Canada has like a weak grip upon its own nation. I think they would probably beg to differ. I go over there and I've been there now three times on this tour. It's definitely a first world country. You don't feel like they're crumbling that there's a lot of like native rebellion, like the First Nations people are pissed off.

I would say DoorDash comes a little slower over there. Tipping is probably annoying. Uber's are a little slower. Yeah. Service is bad? No, not even. It's, I mean, Toronto, dude, the six? It's the six.

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Sixth God. Turn that shit upside down. It's a nine now. Yeah. Just quote champagne poppy. Is that in the Constitution or that's Drake?

That's true. That is Drake. Okay. But yeah, Andrew Jackson comes through and he goes, you know what? We got to go down into Florida. We got to quell the seminal raids on American settlements that are down there. That's kind of like his old, his smoke screen. So Jackson's campaign, known as the first seminal wars, quickly escalated into a full-blown invasion.

Jackson's troops capture Spanish forts, executed two. British citizens accused of inciting native resistance and established a military presence in Florida that looks suspiciously like an occupation. Jackson's audacious moves created a firestorm. Spain's pissed off demanding that the U.S. withdraw and threatened diplomatic retaliation. The British were equally pissed off that they executed their citizens. And they said that Jackson violated international law. Back in Washington, Monroe and his administration was caught off guard. While many Americans admired Jackson's boldness, his actions had brought the U.S.

uncomfortably close to war with two major powers. Sounding a little familiar. That's interesting. Which also, do you know who Trump's favorite president is? I mean, I think I can guess. Can we just Google who Trump's favorite president is? I mean, it's interesting because... Andrew Jackson.

So he's known as a pretty evil guy. He's also known as... Talk about Jackson. Yes. Trump. Jury's out. Jury's out. We got to see.

Jackson's known as an evil guy. He's also on our 20s. Yeah. Yeah. So the good with the bed. You know what I mean? I think that, listen, Trump's doing a lot of shit.

I mean. I will say Andrew Jackson is one of the sickest assassination stories ever. The dude tried to assassinate and pulled out a gun, gun jams. Really? Drops the gun. Pulls out another gun. That gun also jams. a crowd of people jump on the assassin

beat the shit out of him Andrew Jackson says unhold him I want to beat him with my cane and then Andrew Jackson goes in piece of shit I think I had to try to kill Yeah literally

It's kind of badass But it's also funny that he's like I'm still gonna use a weapon Yeah well I mean Fair fair hand him I'm gonna beat the fuck out of him With this weapon Yeah and so some people think

That the uh That the assassin didn't realize That due to the high humidity In the area that he was assassinating him That had jammed up his guns Pretty wild See that's back an assassination, it's almost like an equally fair fight now, but for different reasons.

Back then, it was like lack of security paired with like lack of good weaponry. Yeah. And today it's like high quality security paired with high quality weaponry. Yeah, exactly. Fair's fair. We got to escalate with the times, you know what I mean? But at that time, there was barely any security. So you got Andrew Jackson, gun jam, you got Donald Trump, earshot.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, who's Trump going to kill? Because the natives have sort of been killed. Handled. You're your words not mine They've certainly been treated Yeah yeah yeah Yeah that smoke screen's not really there

That smoke screen's not really there I mean I hope it's not the Jews Oh we got to go into Florida To quell the Jewish rebellion The Jews are weird I don't know if you've been on Instagram lately But people are not liking the Jews Dude it kind of it honestly

The thing that makes me most sad Is that I'll just see a random Like I follow this Hasidic dude That gives real estate advice Yeah And it's great real estate advice, genuinely. And he's fully Hasidic. Yeah, I imagine the Hasidic dude gives great real estate advice.

He's like, look, if you want, you know, to get a property, here's how you finance it. Here's how you get a loan. Dada, yada, yada. And all the comments are just like, dirty Jew. And I'm like, bro, he's trying to help. He's like being a super nice guy. He's like, here's how you keep the mortgage rates down there, like 2,000 tops died in the Holocaust. Literally.

Yeah. Yeah, they're like, oh, did God promise you the loan? Well, do you know. He's trying to, this is a nice one. You saw the Bryce. Mitchell thing. No. UFC buyer went,

he wanted to go fishing with Hitler, which also fishing with Hitler, hilarious concept. Hitler would be a terrible guy to fish with. He'd be so impatient. Yeah.

Killing one at a time, dude. Yeah, he's on meth the whole time. Just like, we can fucking get him. Hey, Hylor, you call one. One, you can't be pissed. One? Yeah. Get a net.

Yes. We're going to get these fish. I want a fucking grenade in the one. Yeah. Well, do you know what fish Hitler would try to get? Jew fish. The Jew fish. Can we pull up the Jew fish?

They don't call it a Jew fish anymore, for the record. They call it the Goliath grouper. I'm pretty sure. I mean, that's not much better. But, yeah, the Atlantic Goliath grouper. Does it have a big nose? I mean, sort of.

It doesn't even look like a Jew. Yeah, again, there's a lot of speculation where the name came from. Some people believed that it was like a cheap cut of fish. I swear to God. I'm not even joking. No, I believe you. I'm not at all. What?

Apparently it was like. I'm a Jew, by the way, for the record. And, uh, yeah. Yeah, you know what? Like, it's just after Bryce Mitchell said all that shit, so then Dana White came out and he was like, he was like, I'm not going to punish Bryce because of free speech. I believe in free speech.

But he's like, I think Bryce is the fucking dumbest guy on planet Earth. Yeah. And six million Jews died and all these other people died and the Holocaust was bad. And then they posted that on the UFC page. And in the comments, everyone's like, Dana White's a liberal cuckold. Like, and I'm like, dude. Dude, you can't...

Believing in the Holocaust is not gay. Sorry. But, like, we got to come back to Earth a little bit here. For the record. Yes. I don't believe it was $6 million. You don't. It just seems too round of a number.

You mean give or take a few? I think it might have been more. Great. Well, I wouldn't say great. I'm just saying... I don't think that's great. I don't think it... I think it's probably like $6,150,000, $2507.

I think if you're counting... dead Jews, you sort of lost the threat a little bit. But I'm just saying if it's such a precise number, everyone's going to be like, well, that doesn't seem. You need it to be like a non-round number. Right, right, right. I guess we don't have a number for like slaves that died. We just know it was bad.

Yeah, yeah, we save 400 years when really it was like probably 410. Right. Or 412, you know? We need precision. You didn't do much with numbers and slaves. I'll tell you this. Here's a slave fact. You guys can fact check me on this.

In South Carolina, in like 1860, right before the Civil War, I believe the ratio of slaves to free men in that state was 13 to 1. Wow. That's wild. I took a slavery class in college. I think that's what it was. 13 to 1. Yeah.

Did they have a slave rebellion down there? Well, I'm sure there were. I mean, the most famous rebellion was, I believe, Nat Turner's rebellion. I don't think that was in South Carolina. I mean, let's see. South Carolina had a slave population, 60%. of the total population. That's 1765.

Dude, we should have gone. If I can go back in time, I think I would go back to here and lead a rebellion. Lead a slave rebellion? Oh, hell yeah. You'd be the Great White Hope. How sick would that be, dude, right?

Diablo, El Fombo Blanco. Yeah, El Blanco, dude. You go through, it's in the history books. They're like, yeah, he just rallied the troops. No one knows where he came from. He had a phone that was dead. And it looks like I'm actually wrong. It must have been a certain city in South Carolina,

but it was... The point was more than 50% of people there were slaves. Yeah. I mean, that's a, that's a, that's a sizable chunk. I mean, they would have called you all sorts of mean things for being, for leading a slave rebellion. I would have handled it. They would have called you like, what's a, what's like a, a white trader back then? Because a black trader back then was an Uncle Tom, right? Yeah, I'd be an Uncle Tyrone or something. Yeah, you'd be, yeah. That's what they would have called me, dude. Like, this guy's just tap dancing for the black man. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But I would have, some people are like, oh, I wouldn't have owned slaves. Not only would I not have own slaves. I would have gone back. I would have led a strong rebellion. Yeah. So you think black people need a white man to lead them? I think it would have helped. I'm just saying, like, just look at the numbers, right? What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick, because you need more time. It is the most valuable commodity that exists, and Hew is going to help you do that, all right? If you're like me, you're constantly on the go, you're constantly running late. I mean, every time I'm leaving my house, I'm going out the door and I'm like, I forgot to eat today, and then I find myself just eating garbage like throughout. I'm like going to the bodega or corner store, just grabbing like

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It becomes a whole thing. Huge giant geopolitical spat, okay, as you can imagine. The Spanish are telling him to cede the territory. Meanwhile, he's quietly reassured the British, like Monroe and his whole camp. They told him like, hey, Jackson had acted independently. We didn't really know he was doing all that, yada, yada. So they kind of diplomatically save face. And then after a bunch of negotiations, Spain finally agreed to the Adams-onis Treaty in 1819.

Under the treaty, Spain cedes Florida to the U.S. And in return, the U.S. agrees to relinquish claims to Texas. We all know how long that lasted. Texas is probably the most American place on earth today. All time. All time American. And it would be so funny to see them still Spanish, I think. They'd probably be like Basque.

You know what I mean? They'd be like Bilbainos or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'd be like Spanish secessionists. but this treaty basically clarified like the Western boundary of the Louisiana purchase. This is like, hey, this is as far as we're going and we have Florida. And although the Adams Onus Treaty settles the matter, controversy lingers. Jackson's military actions of Florida, though having been unapproved, some members of Congress

and the public question whether the ends justified the means. You know, Spain weakened by its loss, would continue to face American expansionism in Texas and other parts of the Northeast territories as they fall under U.S. influence in the coming decades. And the acquisition of Florida was a victory for the American expansion, but it underscored a growing willingness to use military force and diplomatic maneuvering to seize territory, setting a pattern for what's going to define the future. I have a question.

Go ahead. Spain owned Texas. The Alamo, I always thought, was a battle with Mexico. Mm-hmm. I believe that's true. Spain and Mexico were back then, were they the same thing, or are there different things? Let's look it up.

When's the Battle of Alamo? Do you want to throw a wild guess out? I want to go with 1875. 1836. Okay. Yeah, it's a pivotal event and military engagement of the Texas Revolution, 13-day siege, Mexican troops under Antonio Lopez Santa Ana

reclaimed the Alamo mission near San Antonio. So I'm assuming that at this point, that area of wherever the Alamo is in. That was bad for the U.S. Yeah. I was reading about this, but it's always like, remember the alamo. I always thought it was like, remember the alamo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's more like, remember the al-11. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a bad thing. Yeah, almost every, it's interesting, almost every, like, memory-based slogan is not great. No. It's like a loss. So remember the alamo, we lost to Mexico, right? Yeah.

A day that lives in infamy, you know, Pearl Harbor. Okay. I thought that was D-Day. Also that one. D-Day. Does D-Day have a memory-based slogan? I mean, probably. I mean, we won that, so I've almost like...

What does D-Day stand for? Doomsday? No. D-Day? That's a great question. What does D-Day stand for? Let's find out. The D stands for day.

So what's interesting about that is, no, it doesn't. It obviously, quite literally, cannot possibly be day day yeah and no it stands for day day of course it does what what else did you think it stood for Lucas that's you're so you're you're you're a fucking dumb hold on hold on hold on hold on the term d day stands for day day yeah yeah yeah yeah click on army dot com let's figure this out for once and for all shall it is that army dot gov or is that army dot okay that doesn't look very legit yeah we're part of a PDF that's that's that's somebody's homework project yeah Let's go on, scroll down a little, shall we?

There's no Wikipedia? I mean, hold on, yeah, click on one of these. Imperial War Museum, they seem good. Where's Wikipedia? Yeah, you can't trust Wikipedia, dude, come on now. What are you, my teachers in third grade? Yes, you can. Okay, hold on.

Okay, well, you hate to see it. Yeah, this is going to be a whole thing. Hold on, search D-Day Wikipedia. Let's just get on the wiki and see what it actually stands for. I mean, this, I'm... It cannot possibly stand for... Oh. And can you just like Command F, like, D-Day and H-hour

are used for the day and hour of which a combat attack or operation... Oh, so D-Day is like a common military term. But it definitely refers now to just... The one day. Okay, so wait, let's go back and go to Normandy Landings, because that's what we're talking about. Yeah. Okay.

Often referred to as D-Day after the military. term, meaning day-day, obviously. Obviously. Obviously, it's day-day. No wonder we didn't have to remember it because it also stood for day-day. Yeah, because we don't really need to remember. I think people are like just don't-

Don't worry about what it's in. Don't Google it. I thought D-D-D said for Doomsday. I guess Doomsday is Doomsday. And D-Day is D-Day. And D-Day means day-day. Exactly. That's fucking dumb of the shit.

Yeah. But every like memory-based slogan, like never forget, the Holocaust, another one, never forget. I think it's also never forget, right? Never forget is the Holocaust. And also, 9-11 is always remember? Always remember.

Is it? What's the, what's, can we look up 9-11's slogan? How have we marketed? Never forget. Okay, so just like the, so not very inventive. The Titans? The Titans? Exactly.

The Titans were good, right? I actually don't know. I never saw the film. I think remember the Titans, they were good. So I think that's one, one of the few instances in which you can remember a good thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But every time you got to remember something, generally speaking, it's like, Yeah, it's like, let's avoid this from happening again.

Alamo, a great example. Yes, remember the Alamo. So that was basically how we got Florida. Andrew Jackson went down there to start, you know, going buckwashed. And Spain and Mexico, does it matter if they were different places? I don't know when Mexico got independence from Spain. Can we look that up? When did Mexico get independence from Spain?

That's a great question. In 1810. And then- Okay. So Mexico was its own place. Yeah, and Mexico's its own thing. and I'm assuming they got big chunks of Texas and that's where the whole Alamo situation But then America gets Texas

Remember when they told the Spanish like hey We're not gonna we don't want Texas We don't want Texas why would we want that? Why would we want Austin for with Barton Spring Some of the best comedy clubs in the country? Exactly. Yeah and they went back on their promise and said no no we're gonna take it So again this is probably the most contentious and divisive episode of American history When it comes to annexing land

Texas was originally part of Mexico and by the early 1830s American settlers, many of them slaveholders from the south poured into the region lured by land grants and a promise of opportunity. Influx of Americans being to shift Texas' culture and demographics creating tension with Mexican authorities who are uneasy

about this American presence on their soil. 1835, Mexico's attempts to assert control and limit slavery, Texan settlers launch a rebellion, declaring independence and eventually winning in a decisive victory at the battle of San Jacinto in 1836. Shout out to the Mexicans. I'm pretty sure Mexicans

banned slavery like a super long time ago. Yeah, shout out to Mexico in general. Yeah. Like they were just like, yo, so the slavery thing is fucking crazy. Why are you guys doing that? Like, we consider Mexico like, oh yeah, you know, they're behind the times.

And they were like, no, slavery is insane. It's funny to even have that there was like an ongoing argument. You know? Because like the argument in America was like there was paternalism. Do you know what paternalism is? But in what way? This was like the big. biggest as as slavery developed right like more and more people were like you know this is they're like

yo I don't want to be like the guy that ruined this but this is crazy and then as part of that paternalism developed which was this whole school of thought that basically like slave owners were caring for their slaves that that there's nowhere a slave would rather be that slaves loved their slave masters uh and that was sort of like the that probably extended slavery like another 30, 40 years. But it's funny to even have the argument. Like the dominant thinking was like, yes, slavery, which meant that in America back then,

people were like, why not slavery? It must have been so frustrating to be anti-slavery and be like, I mean, I feel like it's kind of straightforward why like you shouldn't be able to own and work other people for free. It's also not a great track record globally speaking. I'm pretty sure like England banned slavery, like way long ago they banned slavery. trading like this late 1700s like early 1800s yeah mexico bans it and america's like

come on really we're gonna do this now we're nice to them they love us they love us that's that's that's gonna happen when we ban owning pets too what one day that's on the docket no like when i'm talking like 22 this is why you need to vote bro this is why you need to vote okay because people are going to try to take your pets they're gonna take your dog and your pets love not that slaves are anything like dogs. To be clear. Slaves are people. Dogs are dogs.

But I think there's going to be a school of thought where you're like, our dogs love us. And then some people are going to be like, do they? I sometimes feel that way, like even just having a cat in the apartment, I'm like, is this what you desire? Is this what the cat needs? Yeah. I don't know. Do you know?

I don't know. It's hard to. Because every time the doors open, the cat's like, can I go outside? And I'm like, ah, you don't want to go. You don't want to go. You don't want to. It's a whole world. Yeah, you don't have to be a whole world.

Yeah, you don't know, I don't know. You don't want to make your own choices. Why don't you stay in here? Make muffins on the couch. Yeah. Okay. That's how I filled with my cat. Basically, after this big battle of San Jacinto, 1836, this results in an establishment of the

independent Republic of Texas with the charismatic but controversial Sam Houston as its president. But independence was only a part of Texas's ambition. Many Texans wanted to join the United States and they wasted no time lobbying for annexation. So Sam Houston was what? an American guy? Like, what language did Sam Houston speak? English. If you had to throw a wild guess out.

I'm going to say English. I think so, too. But then how's that guy end up as the president of Texas? Because I think they just start this, uh, this Texan, like, military. Yeah, that guy's white. That guy's so white, he's going to join a tribe. Yeah. I think that it's just a part of, like, a military coup.

You know what I mean? It's like literally like a militia goes in and, uh, upends the, uh, the Mexican song. So he goes in there and then they're like, this is technically not America, but it's full of American dudes. Like Texas is like a separate country, you know. I bet you there's some backdoor deals going on where like the present at the time is like, I wouldn't hate if you did a rebellion. I wouldn't hate if you, I'm not going to tell you to do it because that's going to lead to a whole thing for us. But if you just send some people in there, some settlers in there, just change the topology and the demographics of the state. and then you guys do a little rebellion, we'll let you in.

This is the other thing is this is a time in the world where whites love other whites. You know what I mean? Like if whites loved other whites that much now, Canada would already be a lock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we're like, we're white, you're white. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we speak white. Yeah, yeah, we waited too long. We waited too long.

That's part of it. Like, let's be together. Matter of fact, I mean, Russia kind of does this to this day. Like, that's part of like their, they're like, a reintegration of like the USSR is like they'll just send Russian like ethnic speaking Russians into the surrounding areas and then if there's like we're all the same thing why are we we all speak Russian like you want to be a part of us right which is like that's kind of what fascism is right I've heard a couple different definition for fascism can we look up the definition for fascism it's not going to be satisfying

I've looked this up a couple times and you're always just like this doesn't mean anything um all right far right okay okay we're going to do the whole page. Far right, authoritarian, ultra-nationalist, political ideology, a movement characterized by a dictatorial leader, centralized autocracy, military, forceful suppression of opposition, and belief in a social hierarchy, subordination of individual interests, yada, yada, yada. Got it. The way I've heard it described is basically a fascist is like a dictator that will use whatever's happening in the state to then use and like basically imbue into their political philosophy to then take over. Right. So like you can have Christian fascists. They'll basically

use Christianity as a way to like, you know, implement their autocracy. But then you can also have like socialist fascists. Right. That will use socialism as a way to implement their dictatoral, you know, autocracy. So fascism is effectively like, like with Hitler and the third Reich, Reich. It was like the Volk.

That was what it was called the people. Yeah. But it's like a concept, a group concept that is bigger than the individual. Right. So it's like, this is the will of the Volk. This is the will of the people. And then it's sort of a mix between that. the nationalistic pride and the sort of like, we're all one thing.

And as a result, why would we need elections? Because that would, elections is two things, but we're one thing. Yeah. So that's why we have a dictator because we're one will. We're one people all united under like whatever the, you know, for the Nazis, it was like Jew hating. And for someone else, it's like something else. Yeah.

And then, okay. I think that's a specific crop of like 1930. Then I don't think this is, you know, everyone that calls Trump fascism, not yet. Not yet. If he starts talking about term limits, but the guy is not young. Like, he's not, I always think about this. I'm like, I think he's going to try and go for another term, do you? I don't think so.

You don't think he's going to bring it up in an offhanded way? He definitely will bring it up in an offhanded way. Yeah. But I also think he enjoys fucking with people. For sure. And I think he kind of like saying it because he knows he riles up people. Yeah. But I actually don't think he's like, oh, I definitely am going to do it.

I also think it's not just enjoys. I think he's realized that it's a value. tactic for him, which is you get people off, you throw them off guard because they're like, oh, fuck. And then whatever the reasonable thing was he wanted that would have seemed unreasonable in the context where he's like, I'm going to do four more terms. And that seems reasonable. Like, okay, you can pardon those guys, just please don't run again.

Yeah, I think it's like a pump fake. I think it's kind of like the Canada thing where it's like, I'm going to make you guys a state. Yeah. The thing is, though, is if he wanted to run again, I feel like he could probably get elected again, don't you? I just think it will cause such a massive uproar democratically that it would just be a nightmare

and that I'm like he would have to really battle It's been like two weeks dude It's already been like just so much uproar Maybe not maybe wherever you guys are listening It's like chill in New York dude Everyone's got their panties in a bunch Yeah yeah yeah shit No genuinely like I'll pop in my family group chat down in Florida

And they're like Canada you know caved they gave in And I'm like all right well I guess you guys are enjoying It's just whatever media you're listening to, you're like, this guy's. I got it. I mean, that's clearly the case. But up here, let me tell you guys, if you're listening from elsewhere, people are not taking it well. And that makes them so happy.

We're in Brooklyn recording this right now. People are really not having a good time with this shit. And I have to hear about it. My girlfriend lives in Bushwick. Oof. Her friends are waitresses. Yeah. No, the waitress community is very anti.

Baristas and waitresses right now are having a bad week. Yeah, but making a good cappuccino. Can't complain at all, to be honest with you. Caffinated. It was interesting seeing my mom, like, who's a very conservative Florida type, coming up to visit me and getting served coffee by, like, a trans woman and being like, that trans woman made great coffee. Like, she genuinely was like, very sweet and beautiful, actually.

And I was like, Mom. Mom. Who knew? It was endearing to see her to be like, they make good coffee. Well, they don't, it's not hate like that. That's our fabrication of them. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

Is that they're going to like. It's more ideal. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's more just like if we allow people to say that anyone is any gender, we lose our sense of tradition and order. Yeah. And, like, they're like, trans people are great.

They're just weird and they have to be known as weird because if they're normal, there is no normal. Yeah. And that's more their perspective. And then I feel like young people's perspective is like literally who cares. Yeah. And then, but I don't think anyone, there are few people it feels whose perspective is like, like face to face, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Although the military ban feels pretty crazy. Yeah, I don't even know that. They're trying to ban people from the military. I feel like the military should be mostly trans. Right? I think everyone would be on board with that. I mean, trans people are the most suicidal. Great soldier.

Yeah. We're under heavy fire. Great. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you want to be on testosterone? How about we triple the dose and send you out there? Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You're on performance-enhancing drugs. Yes. you are suicidal, potentially, okay, we have a trans woman who gets captured by ISIS, right? Isis is threatening to torture her. What are you going to do? Cut off my dick.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. For free? Oh, gosh. Anything but cut off my dick for free. Yeah, yeah. No, I think you'll have people on the left being like, this is great, it's progressive.

And then people on the right would be like, wait, they're going to kill trans people. Everyone wins. By the way, also just the notion of banning anyone from the military. Oh, I can't do the deadliest job. Oh, no. Oh, I guess I'll have to watch my kids graduate high school. Like, women should get drafted. Like, that's crazy, women aren't included in the draft.

I mean, it's, by the way, if you're banning anyone, it should be OG women. CIS women should be banned first. They're weaker than trans women physically and they're weaker than trans men physically. With that. So what do you guys want to do? You want to be straight or you want to win more? You know who was straight? The Nazis.

How'd they do? Not great, not great. As a matter of fact, a lot of them were gay. That's true. Yeah, but it was repressed. It was repressed. Repressed gay is not going to make a great soldier, I don't think. So basically, Texas gets controlled by this guy, yada, yada, yada.

America goes in and they're like, all right, let's just, let's work out a deal, okay? So they try to join the U.S. There's a big debate, okay? The southern states and pro-slavery advocates, Texas is a dream, a new territory that could expand and reach, expand the reach of slavery and bolster southern power in Congress. But the northern states, Texas represents a threat. Many northerners view the annexation as a blatant attempt to increase the slave-holding states influence, sparking the accusation of slave power, conspiracy, and alleged plot by southern politicians to dominate the federal government. I see, because this is like Texas is actually joining on the sort of dawn of the civil war. Exactly.

So this controversy turned Texas into a political landmine. Martin Van Buren, fearing the annexation would tear the nation apart, avoided the issue entirely. And it wasn't until John Tyler's administration that Texas became a real possibility. Tyler, a Southern sympathizer, was eager to push it through. He saw Texas as a means to leave a legacy and align himself with the South. But even he struggled to get the necessary support. And then comes a twist. 1844 election. Pro-annexation candidate James K. Polk wins the presidency on a platform of expansionism. Polk's victory was seen as a mandate for, quote, manifest destiny. Ah. The belief that the United States was destined to spread across North America, with Polk said to take office, Tyler pushed through a joint resolution for annexation, bypassing usual treaty process,

and then this workaround basically allows Texas to be admitted as a state with a simple majority and a move that infuriated the anti-slavery advocates. Well, that's what's crazy is I'm looking at this right there. Texas becomes the 28th state. Bro, we were just getting started. We're barely halfway. We're 2850th of the way through here. And by the way, like, we're still working on Puerto Rico.

Oh, we're going to hit to Puerto Rico. Dude, don't even worry. I mean, this is crazy. Yeah. So literally, Texas joins 1845. Relations between the two countries quickly deteriorate, setting the stage for a Mexican-American war. That conflict, which broke out in 1846, leads to even more territorial gains for the U.S., but at high cost and blood, money, and moral consequences.

The Texas annexation. How many people die in the Mexican-American War? At least 100. And the annexation debate leaves deep scars. I actually have no idea. How many people die in the Mexican-American War? Let's find out. It widened the rift between the North and the South,

bringing the nation one step closer to civil war. So it's really Texas's fault, if you think about it. Like getting Texas basically leads to the whole thing. Wow. 13,000 deaths for United States, 25,000 for Mexico. Pour one out for the dead homies. It was also revealed. a growing American appetite for expansion at any cost

and basically sets the stage again for America just taken over the whole shit. And Texas itself annexation marked the beginning of a long journey from independent republic to fully integrated state, which as we know still kind of lingers in Texas to the day. Many Texans are like, yeah, we should be

our own thing again. Yeah. You know? I mean, there's been a couple of these like sovereign states in America, but I think it's just like you're always going to want what you don't have. Right. Because if you're your own state,

you're sitting there and you're like, fucking those guys all, the second one of those guys needs to go to Oklahoma and has to wait in a border crossing line, like, they're going to be like, what are we doing? And then Trump puts a tariff on you for a million percent? Yeah. And you're like, all right, well, Trump could never allow Texas to leave because if Texas leaves, he lost like a lot of others.

Like a lot. Yeah, he'd be pissed. Honestly, Texans might be the most down with being part of the union right now under Trump. Yeah. Yeah, that's probably true. Yeah. But, like, it's just one of those things.

Like, dude, America without Texas. It's funny because liberal states never really think about leaving. Seattle's not like a world where everyone's non-binary and we can have like the strongest. Chaz. They tried to chazz it up. Remember that? What was Chaz? Chas were like the Capitol Hill Autonomousone.

You don't remember this? No. Can we look up a picture of Chaz real quick? This was during, it's also the funniest name in the world. But this was during like all the protests in 2020, like COVID plus like, George Floyd sort of unrest, that they basically developed like a plot of land in the middle of Seattle that was like its own autonomous place. They like kicked off the cops out. There was no more police and they took over the capital and they were like, we are our own

autonomous sovereign. Like what was happening at Columbia University? Sort of. But they went all the way. They like had full on ride. How did I miss this? I'm blown away that you missed this. Really? I'm usually like up on this shit. And they named Chas. Here's the problem with us, and I say us as liberals. It's like we just can't. The brandy is a troche. It's a troche. This was like a place with like racial parity, like all people are welcome and they called it the whitest name. They called it. They called it. They tried to rename it to chop, which I forget what Chop stood for. It was like Capitol Hill occupational protest or something like that. But, uh, yeah.

Shop would have been a good start, but, oh, God. It's like, you give liberals their own zone for a day, and they're doing rainbow graffiti. Like, could we do something fun? Dude, I swear to God, if liberals were in there fucking riding dirt bikes, we wouldn't be so hated by Republicans, but we're in there with, she's wearing an N95 mask. Ma'am, you're outside. No one's around. They didn't know at the time, all right? Fouchy said you had to do it.

High COVID? This is high COVID. This is peak. This is peak. Fine. Even so, even in high COVID, I'm a pretty left-leaning guy. I was outside, like, why would I have to wear a mask out here? Yeah, you're a sensible human being.

It just occurred to me as sort of insane. You weren't in chess. If you were in the time and place, you would have been like, let's draw some rainbows. Chaz, dude. I'm sure you're probably wondering. If that was, what, the 28th state? Yeah. What happened on the rest of it?

Then it started. It must have been just wildfire. It gets rolling. Manifest destiny, trail of tears, you got, as you push West and it's just dominoes. 1848, American cessation. Yep. American Mexican War, that's going off. Okay, the war fuels a bunch of ambition, a bunch of manifest destiny.

And, yeah, basically they're just like, hey, now it's time to get the whole thing. So the roots of this cessation lay at the annexation of Texas, which Mexico had never accepted, really. And then Texas joins the U.S. the Mexican government saw this as theft. Dude, committing a genocide against a whole, like, population of people and calling it your destiny is so crazy. Just like, as all the Native American children are being slaughtered, you're like, sorry, it was always going to happen.

Yeah, it's fate. It's my destiny. Unfortunately, for you, my destiny involves. I have to manifest this destiny. I don't even want to. It just is what it is. So there's all this compounding tension with a bitter dispute over Texas-southern border. The U.S. claims the Rio Grande as a...

the boundary while Mexico insists that it's the, the Nuesse River, about 150 miles north, James Polk, this expansionist, as we mentioned before, saw this dispute as an opportunity. He orders troops under General Zachary Taylor, who you'll probably be familiar with. And they advance into this contested territory. 1846, Mexican forces attack an American patrol,

killing and wounding several soldiers. And they basically use this as basically saying that American blood has been shed on American soil, so now it's time to declare war. Here's what's crazy to me is we think we're like so on the other side of shit like this happening. We operate in life as though like

the current footprint of the globe is just what it's gonna be. Yeah. And it's so hasn't been that long. No. And the only difference is we have iPhones. And I have followers. That is the only thing that is mentally keeping me safe

from a shifting geopolitical environment in which any country is sort of up for grabs and wars are going to be ongoing. This is extremely recent. By the way, when I say we, I'm speaking about Americans, because I'm well aware that in Gaza, they're not like, yeah, dude.

Everything's actually all gravy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is crazy that, like, America definitely, I feel like your average American really operates as in, like, we're 50 states. This is the globe. That's just what America is. 100%.

And it's so doesn't look like that, would it all? I mean, there's no evidence to support that's sustainably true. Any Eastern European and they're like, yeah, in my parents' lifetime, I was born in a country that's now no longer a country.

Right. You know what I mean? Yeah, you got the Bosnians. Yeah. And that whole shit is still like, you know, turbulent.

You know what I mean? Like a Georgian guy's like, yeah, I was born in a different country. Now I'm Georgian. Yeah. And like, now I'm going to be Russian again.

Right. They don't even fucking know themselves. It's crazy. The whole thing is like up for grabs. When, what's the last state? Alaska or Hawaii? One of those.

those two. When did we get the last one? I think it's like the 40s or 30s. When was the last state added? 1959. What? My dad was born in a country with 49 states? Isn't that crazy?

His flag was different. That's insane. Yeah. It's insane. Alaska becomes 49 and 59. Can I call my dad? Can I call my dad? I would love for you to ask you.

Dad. Like, yo, what was it like? What did it feel like, you know? All right. I want to call. I doubt he'll pick up. He's a very busy man. I'm so curious, no.

He's going to be like, is everything okay? Hi, I got you off voicemail. Sorry. I'm on a podcast right now. Okay. You're... Okay. I predicted that you'd say that.

I'm on a podcast. You're on the podcast as well. Right this minute? Yes. Oh, okay. Is there a question to come or? Yes. No, no, no, no.

Just hope you'd listen in. Yeah, it's not an interview. I've just learned you were born in an America with only 49 states. Did you know that? That when you were born, Alaska wasn't a state? I did not know that. Oh, so it didn't even, it doesn't figure prominently into your life at all. Like, you don't have much recollection of, like, America newly being a 50-state country in your lifetime?

Did Alaska become a state? 1959, August 1959. Also, you know, between June of 57 and August to 59, I was occupied with other things. Yeah, breastfeeding and such. He was born in a 48 state, America.

Oh, wait, when was Hawaii? Hawaii was August, and Alaska was January. Oh, my God. Sorry, you were born in a 48 state country. I think that sounds right, yeah. But there was plenty of room. It was okay. See?

There you go. It's small. Yeah. It doesn't, do you feel, the reason why is because the topic of the podcast is American expansion under Trump, or at least the threat of it. Do you think any of this shit is legit, Greenland, Canada? I think it's unlikely that Canada becomes the 51st state. And I think it's unlikely that we take over Greenland or the Panama Canal or Gaza, for that matter.

But it's not going to stop us from trying. Apparently not. Okay, thank you, Dad. Bye. So, as you can imagine. He's like, he doesn't believe just great change. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he also, you know what else he thought was unlikely? Me becoming a comedian.

Or Alaska becoming a state? That's true. You know what I mean? Think about that. In his lifetime, how quickly we forget. Yeah. Right? And then it's so, he's so confident.

Oh, yeah. There's no way. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. All right. We'll see. You're never going to headline Zay.

And he's Nashville. Really? He said that. What a niche thing. He looked at the comedy. Yeah, no. You're not going to get too late shows on a four-show weekend and at Zanahual. That you'll split with another comment.

It just feels like a plug now. But yeah, this became a whole thing, this whole Mexican-American war, right? It was atrocities, you have soldiers looting and violence against, you know, Mexican citizens, da-da-da-da-da. Henry David Thoreau and Lincoln both spoke out against the war with Thoreau famously protesting by refusing to pay taxes. That's a good protest. He was what, like the OG American writer. Yeah, yeah.

And this has led to his essay, civil disobedience, which is a great, by the way, if anyone is wanting to protest, just don't pay taxes. Yeah, that's a good, yeah. Go to white collar crime. Yeah, if you want to protest. Yeah.

You're like, look, I have to save this money because I'm disgusted. Well, you know who I always say was a real, you know, has always been one of my favorite activists who didn't pay, taxes. Martha Stewart. Absolutely. And she did that for disobedience, civil disobedience. She was in the chaz. She was a big chas. Martha was in the chas. Yeah. So 1847, U.S. troops captured Mexico City

ending the war. Then they did this big treaty, Guadalupe Hidalgo in 48, forced Mexico to seed approximately 525,000 square miles of territory in the United States, which includes California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, parts of Colorado, Wyoming, New Mexico, And these ones are just dropping like fucking Instagram app updates. Literally just fucking 10.1.1.2.3.4. They all file in, okay. California is a great pickup, by the way.

Insane draft pick. Who's in California, by the way? Because I don't think anyone was there. Oh, has Spain? I think, I don't know if Spain actually had full settlement, but I know that Mexico had control over there. Because there's not a lot of Native American names in California. Yeah, I don't know what that is.

Like, because I drive around. up there and it's like... All right. All right, well. How quick you'll get proven wrong by as simple Googles. I'm like, there were no Native Americans. There were, okay. Yeah, only Native Americans, turns out.

But yeah, it seems like... That's like Northern California. Spanish explorers began to explore in the coast in 16th century, and then Spanish Mexican settlers, known as Californinios, sought to secularize the missions after Mexico gained independence from Spain, 1821. These Spanish guys are like beach magnets, dude. Yeah, they just can't help.

They're like, we need an Ibitha. We're just need to find another one. Everything's fucking, what's the, Majorca? These guys are fucking at it. Yeah, where can we do Molly and play Padell? Yeah, I mean, they just, they can't help themselves. These guys fucking love it, dude.

Yeah, it's insane. Pisto wasn't even born yet. They wanted a beach to set up shop at. Yeah, how do we just, like, drink near, like, water? Like, that's what we need to figure out. And so the U.S. pays Mexico 15 mil in an attempt to sort of give the deal, like, this veneer of legitimacy and not that it's, like, some type of forced sale or, you.

you know, military, uh, which of course it effectively is. Yes. Because now the U.S. is getting more powerful. Yo. And this is Spain and Mexico. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And all of this is now creating this huge diplomatic problem in America over slavery, right?

So now it's like what are going to happen to these new states? These new territories pose a burning question. Are they slave states or free states? Southern states push for office slavery expansion. On northern states are trying to contain it. This battle over the future, the territories led to a proposal like the Wilmot Proviso, which sought to ban slavery in any. new land acquired from Mexico, but this fails

and becomes a rallying cry for anti-slavery forces, deepening the rich between an origin. Again, such a reasonable proposition. Okay, what if just moving forward the states don't have slaves? You can keep all your slaves where they are. Yeah. Just whatever you do, just don't add new this is, by the way, like, I think, I don't know, but the Southerners

had such a slavery kink at this point, like, if they had just relaxed a little bit and they were like, let's just like let the new ones be free. Maybe we wouldn't have had to have a civil war, but they were like, no, no, no. San Francisco needs slavery. Everything, everything. Dude, San Diego needs slavery. San Luis Obispo, I want slavery. Santa Cruz, the surfing capital of Northern California. I need slavery there. Yeah. It really like is a- Please don't cut this out of context, by the way. Me 30 minutes in. I need slavery in Santa Cruz. It's the opening of the pot, actually. It really is like an

an interesting sort of ex-pazant, like human greed. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, why did all these, like, uh, trades happen like early on? It's like, oh, all these imperialist empires like started to crumble because they expanded too far. Yeah. And like, you know, the southern states with their slavery.

They're like, no, we're expanding everywhere. We're so greedy. It's like human greed is really like, you know, the root of all evil. And and and and the seemingly out of everything you've laid out for me, the biggest predictor of a territory not working. out for somebody is geographic distance. Oh, yeah. So I don't know about us in Greenland now.

Because Greenland, if anything, felt like the more likely one. I guess if it's like an agreed upon sale. And also Greenland, I guess, is sort of close to nothing, huh? Canada. Canada. Yeah. It is. I agree.

Yeah, I mean, can we get a map actually of Greenland? But yeah, it's like, you, it's hard to really tell with like the Mercator projection. Because it goes around. But, yeah, I mean, if you... Because Greenland's so north, it's like a round. Exactly, yeah. But it's a massive little chunk of land. What's the Mercator projection?

It's basically like the way... Like, we see that as closer, but it's... There's also the curvature of the Earth. Basically, yeah. We need a 3D. And so, like, there's all these different map projections that totally skew how big you think things are. Right.

Is that, like, most, like, globes or, like, a map, you'll be like, oh, Greenland's the size of Africa. And then you actually look at it and you're like, oh, this makes no sense at all. Africa is like this massive landmass. Yeah. And the way that the map is actually projected onto like a circular, like, you know, orbical feature onto a map makes no sense. Like what's New York to Iceland flight, like four and a half?

Something like that. Okay. Are you booking right now? Dude, I really want to go to Iceland. Yeah, it looks amazing, dude. It's like, it's unbelievable. 530. Yeah, it's actually interesting the way that maps can change and, like, skew the way that you

think like globes actually look. So you can see like how people have struggled to basically like illustrate on a flat surface. And so now they have all these different types of like map projections and then that'll be used, you know, politically as ways to like skew the way people perceive land masses. It's a whole thing. But if you look at you're like, dude, Greenland is massive. And then you look at the globe. You're like, oh, Greenland is tiny.

Like look at Greenland in the top right corner compared to Africa. Like that little chunk of ice up there. you're like, dude, this is huge. And then you actually look at it on the globe, you're like, oh, it's actually, you know, much smaller. But it's still a sizable piece of land with great natural resources. Yeah. And I've heard it's great in the summer. A warm 45 degrees.

Yeah. It's heavy sweatshirt. Yeah. So then that brings us to the Gadsden Purchase 1853. And again, this is a smaller one, but I'm sure you're familiar with, you know, the Gadsden flag. Okay. This was planted by Franklin Pierce and his administration, which was dominated by pro-southern politics and deeply influenced by sectional divisions over slavery, yada, yada, yada,

basically enter in this dude James Gadsden. It was a railroad executive and a fervent pro-slavery advocate from South Carolina. And Pierce appoints Gadsden as his emissary to Mexico, giving him the task of negotiating the purchase with Mexican president Antonio Lopez Santa Ana. Gadsden had big plans. He initially proposed buying a much larger section of North Mexico, including parts of Baja, California, and Sonora, which would have greatly expanded southern influence, but Santa Ana, weary of American encroachment

after the Mexican-American War, faced criticism at home, was reluctant to sell, but again, he agreed to reduce territory, hoping that the $10 million price tag would shore up Mexico's struggling finances. So if you search the gas and purchase, you can see kind of what we got out of that one.

So this is the playbook then with Trump, if you go back to it, is he's going to try and impose tariffs on Canada and then put them in weak financial standing. Scoop up the whole thing. maybe he's a genius. Turns out. Turns out.

If we got Canada and everyone was happy about it. No one will be happy. But here's the thing is, imagine like Canada was a state, but every time you went up there, everyone was pissed. Yeah, it would be way worse. At you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, instead of like not.

Well, I mean, you go to Texas. Yeah. You know how it feels. Yeah. You know what I mean? They're like, oh, a New Yorker. Yeah. Like, do you ever tell people you live in New York?

No. We went down to Jacksonville. We got on the Uber and we were like, he's like, where are you guys coming from? We're like out of New York. He goes, sorry about that. Yeah. Like, that's just the sentiment. Yeah.

You know what I mean? That's true. That's a good point. But it's not as divisive, obviously. I mean, honestly, if I were driving through like Mississippi, I'm not sure I would have the same backstory at all. You ever driven through Mississippi? Yeah.

Or rural, Mississippi? Not super rural, no. So that place is insane. That place is, first of all, 100% still segregated. So let's just get that straight. Okay, yeah. I drove through the black neighborhood in Jackson, Mississippi, because there was a famous burger place I wanted to go to.

Hell yeah. And because I love black people. That's the record shot. And, uh, dude, black folks walked out of their houses all down a street on some fucking children of the corn shit. To witness you. To witness a white guy driving through their name. No way.

I don't believe this. Dude, look up. Nope. Don't look at us. Look up me in Jackson, Mississippi years ago. Dude, it was crazy. Jackson, Mississippi, first of all, crumbling infrastructure. Yeah.

The place is a shit hole. I mean, I don't know how the whites are living. The way the blacks are living down there is bad. This looks nice. Look at this. This is a beautiful. They got a light on a building. That's pretty good.

Dude, dude, landscape lighting? Is that you're going to come back to that? That's your, that's why Jackson Mississippi is up an exterior, you know, decorator. This looks beautiful. Look up, um, I could even imagine. Look up Jackson, Mississippi, whack. Look up fall off of all time. Jackson, Mississippi, shitty.

See? The murder capital of the world. Okay. Jackson, Mississippi sucks. Thank you. Look at the roads. That is actually how all the roads are. The roads are, I tried to get gas on my way out of there, dude.

The gas stations had no gas. They were out. They were like, yeah, we don't have. Like three in a row. And you go, oh, what do you guys sell here? And they go, nothing. No one's there. There's no one to ask.

There's not even Indian guys at the gas stations. Wow. Indian people are too smart of businessmen to open up gas stations in Jackson, Mississippi. Yeah, we can handle good drop, but we're not going to risk being in Jackson, Mississippi. Dude, I mean, it is a wasteland. I mean, that's, yeah, that's a little, I've never been down to Jackson. You've given me a solid sales pitch, but I don't know if I'm going to make it this time around. I want to go to Olive Branch, Mississippi.

That's one of the last, like, founding areas where, like, the clan is still strong. Really? Arkansas, deep Mississippi. Where did it start out of it? Was it, Alabama? The clan? Yeah. Washington, D.C.

I mean, if we're being honest. But olive tree Mississippi is, like, where they still, that shit is so gay to me. Yeah. Yeah, wearing their little matching fits. The whole thing is just... Nice uniforms. Oh, Tennessee. But yeah, the whole thing is just like so corny.

Yeah, no wonder. I mean, the landmouse looks like a swastika. Or is that their logo? I mean, that's crazy. Alaska, Tennessee. Imagine that's what your town is known for. Yeah, out on the signs and you drive... Yeah, home with the Ku Klux Klan.

They're like that. Everyone seems to drive around our town. Yeah, I wonder what that is. It's really bad for tourism. What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick because I've got to tell you about an amazing service known as Blue Chew. That's right. Blue Chew is a service that basically delivers this chewable tablet to your door whenever you want, once a week, once a month. I don't even know if they could do it that frequently. But they'll send it right to your door. You don't have to go to the doctor and have some awkward conversation with some guy in a lab coat, some dude that's judging you, probably, if I had to guess. With Blue Chew, it's super discreet. The packaging is discreet. It's just a couple questions on their website and they will send you. chewable tablets that have basically the same active ingredients as like a vagra or a cealis, but at the fraction of the cost and in a chewable form, it's great. It truly is.

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Right? Because it's like, what are they going to be? Are they slave? Are they free? Da, da, da. And yeah, they do this Gadsden deal. They get, you know, the little southern part of Arizona and lock in some more southern land.

And it's a whole, it's a whole situation. But up into this point, they have now, like a pretty solid grasp on this chunk of land that we now now know is United States of America. But now we get to a lot. Alaska. Alaska is interesting because there's technically a purchase of Alaska in 1867. Who had it? We're about to get to that, ready? It begins with Russia. The mid-19th century, Russia has a foothold in Alaska, and that's becoming more of a burden than an asset. The Russian American company, which had established settlements and conducted fur trade there was struggling financially and

Russian interest in Alaska was increasingly hard to protect. Russian imperial government was also facing mounting debt established after a costly Crimean war. Seeing little hope of profiting from Alaska, saw Alexander II decided to sell. He figured the United States, already a potential ally and geographically close, might be interested in taking it off their hands. Yeah, that was short-sighted. We were allies for a hot second. Yeah, and so you gave us Alaska, you don't know, idiots. Thanks for literally diving on the sword when it comes to World War II. Yeah. All the Russians died on our behalf and we somehow walked away with the dub. No wonder you guys fucking hate us now.

Right? Yeah. Like, have you heard that quote that World War II was won with British intelligence and Russian blood? American manufacturing

in Russian blood. That's true. I mean, if you look at the overall death toll of World War II, you're like, wait, everyone in Russia died? The Russians.

Like, everyone? But yeah. And then they never fighting a civil war and that contributed to even more death, the whole Bolshevik revolution, yada, yada, yada,

it's a crazy time over there in Russia. Spent, is that, does that say 72 million or 7.2? 7.2. We bought it for $7 million bucks.

Yeah. Like a penthouse in America, in New York. Dude. I can't tell you what my apartment costs, but like... Maybe like, I don't know, a quarter, a half of an Alaska. Like within... It's crazy. Of the price of Alaska.

It's insane. You could have bought Alaska, you fucking idiot. Wow. Yeah, it's wild. Sorry, Alexander decides to sell it and he wanted... What's that in today's dollars? Is that like... Is that like 70 million?

Today. Probably up there. Yeah. I'm going to guess. I think that's probably reasonable. Maybe I'm going to guess 100 mil. Yeah, let's see. 153 million. So changes the, changes the numbers a little bit. So like a nice, like one of those crazy like a compound. Yeah, like Los Angeles. You know, this is setting the new record for the home price. Yeah, I don't think that's a home. 153 million. Like, I think like what there is that crazy one with like the sliding ceiling. that like you can, and it comes with like a Bugatti. Oh, you do read architectural address. Dude, I love that. I love that event. I love looking at fancy shit. It's so cool. It is nice, right?

It is cool. I like to picture myself there. Just manifesting. I'm also like when this fucker, my dad dies, I'm going to come into a bag. So I got to like, I'm always thinking ahead. You know, you got to scope it out. See, I'm not in that same situation. My parents had seven kids.

Yeah. So. Do they have money? Fine. Yeah. Fine. You're going to see like. Couple hundred grand.

They got it, yeah, probably. But I might parlay that, you know what I mean? It might do a little flip, might have to go quell a, you know, a native rebellion somewhere. And then who knows what I can do, you know, this is why I'm reading about this. I'm learning. Right. But yeah, the Russians were like, hey, we're going to prevent Britain, all right, his rival in North America from acquiring the territory through force or influence. You've got to think Canada still at this time has a lot of British sympathies.

And I'm pretty sure it's still controlled by the British. So he's like, I'd rather America have this than the British. So he's going to deal with the devil. See, here's the thing is there could be a case to be made for the notion that the expansion of one country could create peace. I'm listening. You got you got my ear now. Just like if everyone was the same philosophically. Don't, don't be careful.

Careful. Yeah, this is starting to sound a little. Hitlerish. I guess what I mean is like, you can pull it back. You can pull back. All right, all right, all right. If everything was the Chaz.

Okay. So it's like this like liberal land of equity and you, everyone can be different races and shit, but everyone like, maybe we're all speaking the same language. Okay. That's a little dicey. We're getting close.

It keeps getting dicey there. Right? You see how it starts off good. Yeah. You mean it in a nice way. You're like, I want us to all be on the same page. Okay, I'll put different. What if we all have the same laws, right?

Then you could have a case to be made for like, we have the same moral compass. We all align on the same things that are good and bad. And if we could all align there, then we could like hypothetically foster in an era of like unprecedented peace. But unfortunately, you sort of need diversity of everything,

including borders, peoples, cultures, to keep everyone accountable. Because as soon as you have one dominant thing, then dissent becomes dangerous to that thing, but that thing has overwhelming power. It's crazy, but there's pretty much no way to have peace. Because disparity engenders conflict, but so does uniformity.

Yeah, I mean, you know, class is inherently conflict, right? I mean, like, power is inherently conflict. There's one world government where there's someone that's in control, of everything in some capacity, then who puts a check on that? You know what I mean? So you kind of need, maybe it needs kind of like, you know, opposing sides to keep checks and balances on each other. Yeah. Hey, if you guys do something real bad, right. We might have to step in. Right. And then also, we're going to take all your stuff and then we're going to do something like five powerful guys. Here we are. Five big dogs. And Trump's trying to eliminate other big dogs. But then maybe the other

big dogs are like, hey, you can't do that. Right. So maybe it's good that there's other big dogs. I think it is. Time will tell. I think all this is telling me, I don't know. Well, I don't think we're going to get Canada. It's too, it's, I don't think he thinks we're going to get Canada, right? I don't, the Canada thing I think is a pump fig.

It's just like a little saber rattle. Yeah, I mean, the Greenland thing I think he genuinely wants. And I think that he can potentially be like, hey, we're going to annex you guys totally. And the Danes are going to be like, you're going to send military? And he's like, yep. And then he goes, but what if he's, we just set up more bases and kind of create like a, you know, like an expanded version of what we have right now. We get access to all the minerals. And they go, all right, that's fine. I think countries

are much like apartments in Williamsburg where like they've just skyrocketed in value. Because you could buy full-blown territories in 1957 for $7 million bucks. Yeah, well, $153 million. Yeah. For $153 million, which, like, Again, to our country, that's nothing. What is the country with the lowest GDP? Can we look that up and just see? I'm guessing like Barundi or some shit. Something, right?

But it would be something where you're like, oh, there's individual people. Tuvalu. It's a GDP of 0.07 billion. I mean, they don't even need to put the billion in there. No. Like that's a rounding error? Is that 70 million? Yeah, I think so.

I think that's. Or maybe 700 million? I think is 70 million, because 0.7 billion would be 700 million. million, right? Something like that. I mean, someone could just buy this. Like multiple individuals on Earth could just buy the whole bunch. Can we pull up some pictures of two-level?

I mean, why are we thinking so big? Why don't we start by just setting a precedent of like, oh my God. Are you serious? What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, do you think you get your hands on 0.007 billion? It's Porrida.

It looks like Florida. It's poor. We got Australia. We got porada. Yeah, yeah. Dude, why are we not going to Tuvalu? Yeah. Yeah, it is.

I mean, you can see why they kind of did the whole Guam thing. Is that a hotel in Tubaloo? Where is Tuvalu? I think it's Micronesia. So I think you're going to be in like South Pacific. Okay. So it's a little speck. So first of all, it makes sense that they've load GDP.

Yeah, I mean, it's hard to get there. South Pacific. Yeah. So you'd have to be right near like, Like, uh, Fiji, oh, Tonga. Imagine if we could fly there, no passport. That would be sick. Direct flights to Tuvalu.

But you think about it, like, have you flown to Hawaii? Yeah. It's a, it's a long way. Yeah. It's a pain. It's a long way. It's a pain. And during COVID, it was like a pain.

Hawaii is for California. It's not for us. Yeah. And so all that to say, it's like you think you want Tuvalu. And then if you're rich enough to have Tuvalu, you're like, well, I might as well, I might as well just buy a beautiful piece of property. Four seasons, Anguilla. Exactly.

You know, and that's a random example and definitely know where my family is a house. Angola's nice. Dude, it's sick. That's a sick. You been? My buddy Alex just went and he thought it was Antigua and then booked a flight and literally showed up and it was in the wrong place. Oh, and he just got a hotel there.

And he was like, he thought he was going to a different place completely. Wow. I get that. They get mixed up a lot. But that's crazy. Yeah. It's crazy to, I've done that. I tried to go the ski resort now known as Palisades.

He used to be known as Squaw Valley. there's another Squaw Valley in Fresno. And I flew to, with ski shit. To Fresno. To a warm part of California. And everyone was looking at me. I had a ski jacket on the plane. It was 70 degrees.

I'm just going home. I'm living Fresno, obviously. I was like, I'm just really cold. Yeah, I connected. I'm so cold, 70 is freezing for me. I have polio. Yeah. I'm not doing well.

I'm not well. And I need to be in a whole parka. But yeah, the Alaska thing is pretty wild. Literally this dude, William Seward, not but a different C-word. At C-W. Yeah, exactly. He was a big expansionist, okay? He's been interested in expanded the U.S., saw Alaska as a stepping stone to Asia.

Wow. And he was like, oh, this is a great idea. So the diplomats approached him with the idea of selling Alaska. He's immediately intrigued and envisions this territory. So Russia and Seward, they basically, you know, hammered out the details of the deal. 7.2 million, two cents per acre. the U.S. gains another half a million square miles of land. I mean, I'll say this.

No one's talking about Japan too much anymore. Like, we're just buddies with Japan after what we did. After what they did. What do you mean? Bro. Bro. They flicked us. Us, us, yeah.

Yeah. And we... Did we have to test some atomic weapons? Sure. Eviscerate them. Two places. Yeah. They accidentally spilled a glass of water on us, and we set them on fire.

Ask China, though. Be like, hey, China, what do you think about what happened in Japan at the end of World War II? What do they say? They would have said, that's great. It should have been more. That's what China would have said. Really? Back then.

Oh, I mean, probably now. China was our friends? No, China and Japan just had a longstanding history. The Nanking was a big one. Who go? Millions of people. It's really crazy. singular.

I thought it's... It was such a crazy military conquest that they call it just the... No. Look it up, dude. It's an insane thing. Let's take a look at it. But yeah, the Japanese... Dude, I've learned...

By the way, of the topics I thought we'd learn about, not many, but fucking Rockefeller living on an island, the Rope of Nan King. Yeah, can we start that? Is not a one person who was a big deal. No, no, no, no, no. There's many, many people. And it was, uh, yeah, it was a... Yeah, it was, I mean, it was an insane thing.

I mean, Japan invading China was like a big... Nanjing. I pronounce it, Nanking. I actually don't know. Like, there are different pronunciations. I don't know what the... I'll tell you what. It appears to be called the Nanjing Massacre.

You call it the Rup of Nanking. Look up the... Look, it's oar. Or? Okay, fair enough. Formerly romanticized as Nanking. Can we zoom in slightly? This was the mass murder of Chinese civilians by the imperialist Japanese army

in the capital of the Republic of China. And the Japanese did this? Allegedly. 200,000 civilian deaths. How many did we get 150 per bomb? Something like that. We got three. Something like that.

Also, it didn't happen to us. Yeah, exactly, yeah. But that was just us being like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Watching someone get kicked in the nuts and then shooting that person with a bazooka. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, it's insane. But now we're like all good with Japan. Yeah, now it's chill. They were like, uh, if you, like, I've seen memes where it's like Japan in like 1938 and it's just like fucking samurai. And then Japan now is just like anime girls. You know what I mean? It's like an insane flip.

But there's no path to that being America, in my opinion. Like the cultures have diverged so greatly. The cultures in what way? Like in Japan, there's that thing called. Night disappearing. You know this? Look up night movers in Japan. There's a Japanese word for it.

They help people disappear without a trace. People in Japan feel shame, and they just, they do social suicide. Okay. But they want to live. And they just disappear. They just go into the woods,

and there are companies that exist to help them move into obscurity without a trace. I mean, that's kind of better than killing themselves. It totally is. It's just like a total cultural. Yeah. Like we don't have, and we have companies for everything. And we don't, we just like, guys here, if you feel enough shame, blow their brains out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if they feel any less shame, they kill their wives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we really go to violence. Nobody, for some reason, has thought, like, let's just peace out. Yeah, I mean, some, but it's pretty rare. It's pretty rare. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no, this is wild. I've actually heard interesting theories about a lot of the shame and stuff, obviously tied in with like, you know, in like Korea, Japan, a lot of like, uh,

Asian nations is that it's a built into the culture that like your family name precedes your name. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, and so like, you know, if you've seen Squid Game.

Yes. Right. Like all of their names start with the same name. Right. It'll be like Park G. G. Young or something like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, and I think Japan is similar where like the family name proceed. And so as a result, you're constantly, reiterating the family. Every time you introduce yourself, it's like, I'm from this family. Like, imagine like, you introduce yourself, you'd be like, I am Zelnik. Yeah. Of the, you know, Lucas of the, you know, Lucas of, of the... Yeah, exactly. That, like, the Lucas part is, like,

is just the trivial compared to, like, the province of the name. So everything that you do bad, they'd be like, oh, Zelnick did this. Every bomb. Every bad crowdwork interaction. Zelnik wants slavery in Santa Cruz, you know what I mean? That's what people are going to say. Fuck, dude. And now, you're like, oh, shit, I'm bringing so much shame to my family. And then all of a sudden you tie that in with like the religious tradition in Japan, like Shintoism, and then like the law of like samurai culture that like never really goes away. There's actually a fascinating thing at the end of World War II. Like the emperor of Japan basically is like, hey guys, we're done with the war.

We're over. Okay. And he speaks in like regular Japanese, just like the modern Japanese at the time. And then switches, code switches into imperial Japanese, like the ancient dialect and goes, our new war is no longer a war of blood and iron, but a war of technology and economy. And literally like announces to the whole nation. Like this emperor at the time is seen as like deified. And he's like, our new war is going to be economic.

And we're going to take over the world through like ingenuity and invention. And that's why like the salary men of Japan today are seen as like samurai's in a way. Like they're revered. And they work all day. And they try to like build up the economy and they create Sony and Nintendo and Mitsubishi and every car we own. Right. And as like a landmass in terms of GDP, like they're crushing everyone. So in a way, they've just sort of diverted their war focus

to being less military and being more economic. It kind of worked out. Pretty wild. Yeah, that's pretty instructive. Like, why could we not just be autistic about a different thing? You know? Exactly.

Like, if Trump could just come out and be like, hey, new plan, we don't hate immigrants and trans people. Yeah. We actually just, like, really need to be good at AI or some shit. Yes. That could be like good for us. So that's just not the American ethos right now. And we would have to get punished pretty bad in a war

for the leader to be like, hey, guys, we're doing a new thing. I'll say this. The grip that this man has on the American ethos and the power that he has over the mindshare of his people mixed with the indifference of liberals of anything, he really has the power to create a paradigm shift with the American identity

because liberals are gonna liberal regardless but we're not especially you know, spineful people yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no the Democrat part is just kind of like if he came out and said anything

though I think his followers would be pretty on board as long as he said it in sort of his type of way yeah, I mean, and he has and that's why I'm like, oh, this Greenland thing He might scoop it up, dude.

I don't know. Yeah, dude. But yeah, so that's basically how they get Alaska and it becomes a whole thing. For years after the acquisition, Alaska is sparsely populated and C-Words critics felt vindicated. And then in 1896, everything changed.

Prospector struck gold in the Klondike region, sparking a gold rush. I wouldn't say everything changed. Everything changed. With regards to Alaska being sparsely popular. Everything changed. I'm telling you, dude. You think about Alaska?

You're like, I would move to Alaska. And 1896, that's the first crypto. You're like, dude, we just found Bitcoin. We found Bitcoin and Klondike. And so now all of a sudden. It's like the gold of ice cream. Write that down. That's a good idea.

Send that to them. I think that's probably why they named it that. I think it was a coincidence. I doubt. That's definitely why that knew. But yeah. So basically, this sudden wealth validates this dude Seward, who basically was like, no, Alaska's going to be sick.

And yeah, it becomes obviously super important. like the Pacific wars they go on after World War II. Still the least populous state. I don't know if it is. I think Wyoming is the least populous. Can we get a fact check on what is the least populous state in the union? Let's find out. You fucking cocksucker.

But I'm sure Alaska. This is what happens when you have a podcast where you educate. So you just know shit like this. The last episode we did was the least populated states in order. So we just went all the way through it. You must have, you must pick up some random ass factoids. Too many. Too many.

Yeah. This is like, by the way, this is like what, this is what a podcast should be. Is a guy with shoulder length, long hair, just talking about mostly reading facts that other people wrote. Exactly. Precisely.

Riffing on it in a tent. This is podcast. I think we peaked. This is the podcast. We've literally peaked and we haven't even got to Hawaii yet. Isn't that crazy? Give me Hawaii. So.

Basically, 1898, we get Hawaii. Pretty sick. For centuries, the Hawaiian islands were ruled by an independent monarchy. But by the mid-19th century, the islands were becoming a strategic interest for global powers. The location in the Middle Pacific made them ideal for refueling in military stops, and the island's fertile lands attracted American sugar planters who quickly gained a foothold. These planters, mostly American, was strong ties. The U.S. began to wield significant influence pushing for policies that would benefit their sugar exports.

The McKinley tariff in 1890, which eliminated the duty-free status of Hawaiian sugar, only increased the determination to tie Hawaii economically and even politically to the United States. Here's what I can say. If you are a foreign country and you are powerful in your country and white people come into your country and start getting rich,

kill them. Fucking kill them immediately. Yeah. Because you were fucked. The most fascinating version of this, to be honest with you is UAE. I'm fascinated by this. This guy, shake Ziat, is like,

maybe one of the greatest leaders of all time. Literally, UAE is like just a bunch of like warring tribes, these different Emirates, like Dubai and Abu Dhabi are separate, like, kingdoms. And they're fighting each other

for literally all of human history. And they are making no money, like they're pastoralists. They're like raising cattle. A lot of like places by the coast, they make money by like purling. So like they dive into the water and like get pearls and sell them.

Like they're just like roaming Bedouins with like no real like influence or anything. And then they're under the mandate of the, British, the British kind of come in and occupy the whole region. They discover oil in like the 30s or like the 20s or something. And they basically get this oil. And this one dude basically, Sheikh Zayat is like, hey, let's unite everybody. We're going to all come together. We're going to kick out the British. We're going to structure a deal with them so that they don't kill us and take all of our stuff. We're also going to structure a deal with the United States to give them

favorable oil trades. And we're going to make our country rich and take care of all of our people forever. And he does it. It's like one of the few times where like the British... A white guy didn't jump on that one. Like the British were in a spot had the whole opportunity to seize oil. Like BP was in control of the entire thing.

Yeah. And the guys that were actually in the place like figured it out. Like it's basically a colonial fumble. Really, yeah. And it was like, it was late in the game too, you know what I mean?

But like it's like kind of killers of the flower moon. Yeah. But it's a good ending. Wow. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, now people can look at you

and, you know, likely criticize it. But at the time, it's kind of a win for criticize anything. But, I mean, would it be better if everyone over there was British? I don't think so. I mean, ask India.

I don't think they liked it. No. So it's like they got to control their thing. And they literally, to this day, if you're an Emirati citizen, you get paid like 50,000 to graduate school. You get paid money to start a business. You get married. They give you 20 racks. Wow.

And the only people who had to pay for that over there is just any woman. But even low-key, you talk to the Emirati women. They're kind of like, this is kind of far. We don't want to drive. Do you talk to Amaradi women? No, I'm not allowed to. But they're like, they're not allowed to speak. But if we could speak to them, we might know that they love it.

I'll be honest, of all the, like, Middle Eastern countries admit to, which is not many. UAE is, like, of the best. And they got a good vibe. I mean, we went to Qatar, UAE, Tunisia, which is technically like North Africa. But similar kind of vibe. Okay. And the Emirates seem like they're having to get done. I've only been to Israel.

Man, how is that? The women over there seem like they're killing it. Uh, yeah, killing it. They're killing it for sure over there. I got bar mitzvah at the Western Wall in Jerusalem. Wow, that is Jewish. Half of my cousins are fucking drone pilots in the IDF. No way.

Yeah, dude. If you were going to win back the people now. I'm not a pro-Israel guy, for the record. I'm a pro-Palestine guy, but I've been over to Israel. And you try to negotiate. I'll tell you what. I tried to solve it when I was there doing my bar mitzvah. No one listened to me.

See? I don't speak Hebrew or Arabic, which is kind of, those are big. Kind of the big ones over there. I don't like it over there. I didn't like, you know what I didn't like over there? And this was, first of all, when you're a Jew, like, you become pro-Palestine as a Jew the same way that like a girl from Michigan becomes a lesbian. You go to college and you talk to some people before.

You know, that's how you become pro-Palestine as a Jew. So that's when I became... But in high school, it doesn't even occur to you. You're like, to you, Palestine, as far as what you've been told by every older Jew, Palestine is just what they call where the terrorists live. And the terrorists want to kill us. Those are the Arabs. The Arabs want to kill Jews.

And then you get to Jerusalem and, like, every guy in every corner has an AR-15. And, like, they're always telling you about, like, buses, that are getting blown up and stabbing. So I would say like my vibes in Israel were like pretty low key bad. Yeah. Like first of all, as a guy who was in New York City on 9-11, I got really afraid of Muslim people and terrorism for a long time. Yeah.

And like I was Islamophobic not in that I hated Muslim people, but in that I quite literally feared them. Like I thought they wanted me dead. And then all the Jews were like, that's correct. They do. Right. And so, like, I had to sort of unlearn those things. But nonetheless, every time, like, someone's, you know, because I talk about being pro-Palestan on stage, and then a lot of Jews will be like, yeah, you think they like you over and got, you think if you went to Gaza, they would like you.

I'm like, no, dude, I don't want to go over there at all. I don't want to go anywhere over there. I'm good in New York. I like it here in New York. Yeah. I can hardly handle Des Moines, Iowa. I was there on Sunday. I didn't like that.

So, no, I will not be going to Gaza. I support Gosen people's right to not be killed, but I do not want to be over there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if they're happy, I'm sure they don't like me. I don't blame them. I don't want to know if they like me. I don't want to find out the hard. Well, Trump says he's going to turn into a Moralago.

Right. So that, that is, that's a tough one. He said unlimited jobs, didn't he? Yeah, I think so. That's. Unlimited jobs. I'll say this. If I'm a Gazen mother and I say,

that screenshot of Trump and Netanyahu standing on two podiums with the American and his really flag next to each other, I'm going, someone get me a lot of heroin right now. I'm just going to OD now. Where's the fentanyl? Can we redirect the cartels of fentanyl and China's fentanyl to Gaza so that I can die humanely? Yeah. Because that is a death knell for the poor people of Palestine. At least there's a ceasefire. At least there is, yes. Right. For now. I think a ceasefire is better than not a ceasefire. I don't know of anyone that. I don't want to get too political, but yeah.

That feels good. I agree with that. I agree with that. And honestly, like I said, Trump being so insane that he sometimes creates effective outcomes out of fear, I do think is like there's a twinkle of genius in there. I'm not a Trump guy, but there's a twinkle of like, I don't think that was Biden's deal. It happened in Biden's presidency. I think that was an anticipatory sea spire.

They saw Trump on the rise and they were like, wow. They saw Trump walking their way, being like, holding two AR-15s in each hand. They're like, all right, all right. Yeah, holding nukes. Yeah, and they were like, all right, let's fucking, yeah, we all got to chill for a second. But it seems like Trump's trying to turn Gaza into Hawaii. Listen. He's trying.

If Gaza turns into Hawaii, color me shock. Well, it's happened before, you know, queen. Lili Okalani, Hawaii's last reigning monarch, came to power 1891 with the hope of restoring the authority of the Hawaiian monarchy and curbing the influence of American interest. She proposed a new constitution that would restore voting rights to the Hawaiians, reduce the power of foreign landowners, yada, yada, yada, yada. And this doesn't really go great, as you can imagine. 1893, a couple of businessmen with the support of the American minister to Hawaii,

orchestrate a coup. Stevens went so far as to request U.S. Marines from the USS Boston station nearby to land in Honolulu, with the intimidating presence of American troops. Queen Lili Okolani was forced to surrender believing it would prevent bloodshed amongst her people. She abdicated her throne under protest, hoping the U.S. government would eventually restore her monarchy once they realized the coup was illegal.

But instead of restoring it, they built the four seasons. And the U.S. annexed it completely. Benjamin Harrison submitted. Lily O'Kalani. I know what American white men will do in 1957. The right thing. The right thing, exactly. They'll just see it in their hearts.

Yeah, exactly. They respect me. It's interesting because some people actually oppose the annexation. So this guy, Harrison is obviously like, all right, let's do it. But it's met with opposition. And then Grover Cleveland becomes president. And he opposes the annexation. Wait, who's Harrison?

Benjamin Harrison. Who's that? He's a random president. You know, just the- Benjamin Harrison? He's one of the leaders of the free world, yeah. No, brother. No, it's a real guy.

Benjamin Harrison was a president? He was the 23rd president of the United States of America. I'll tell you what. Never heard that name. He was a president. That is like the chas for me. This shit, he has alluded me. Yeah, no, he was president from, what is this, 1889 to 1893.

So he served his full four years from Ohio. And, yeah, there you go. Oh, he was related to William Henry Harrison. William Henry Harrison was the guy who did such a long, drunk inauguration speech that he died of pneumonia. He got pneumonia. He's also the great, great grandson of one of the founding fathers. You know, it seems like the best way to be a U.S. president is to be related to another U.S. president.

Yeah, it's extremely helpful. I mean, have you heard the like 50, something, no, it's actually, can we search presidents that are related to each other? There's like 90% of U.S. presidents have, like, a common ancestor within the last, like, 300 years. I mean, okay. Yeah, out of 46 presidents, 44 are related by blood and two are related through marriage. Oh, my God. Yeah. The shit goes all the way to the top. I mean, apparently, like, even Obama's connected, technically speaking. And some people, I think, are... I mean, I think we can agree.

That's probably not true. Some people suggest that this is, uh, that this is like, uh, oh, yeah, the, search the ancestral background. I mean, this will be. I gotta say, everyone's always talking about the Jews. None of these fucking guys are Jewish. So the next time, the next time you come at me on some, all the Jews, it's all a big cabal

and they're all in power. How about the presidents? That is proof of anti-Semitism. Yes, we're a cabal. Yes, we run media, entertainment and banking, but we don't run politics, which is like the shit. Then you start Googling A-PAC and you're like, all right, well, you know. What's A-Pak? It's like just the Israel lobby. Yeah, they got some money. Nowadays. Now-day.

I mean, listen, I'm not saying the Jews are innocent. I'm saying we're not the only guilty ones. No, of course not. And yet we're the ones that everyone gets annoyed about, were the most whiny and annoying. Even though, like, even cabal, you guys need to change that. Well, we didn't come up with that. But someone did, and they use it in every context

where they're like, oh, yeah, there's a wealthy cabal of people that control something. Cabal is a word that, first of all. Literally a Jewish word. Is it? I'm pretty sure it comes from cabal. Like, cabala. No, no, no, no.

Can we find out the animology of cabal? If it's a Jewish word, it'd be bad. Because I'm almost certain. Let's see. Latin, motherfucker. And, uh, French. No, see, that is your anti-Semitism. C, cabala. The medieval.

Cabala is K, okay, dude. Look at the bottom, bro. It says right there. 16th century denoting... That's a K. Cabala is a C. These are not related. They come for the same root word, bro. I'm telling you. Okay, so this is the ancient tradition of mystical interpretation of the Bible. Okay, but what about Kabaal? I'm pretty sure it comes from the root word.

Yeah, but like... hungry and hung probably come from the same route where it doesn't mean the Jews are behind both of those too. What about Cabal? Well, it does, yeah, it does come from Kabul. Look, I'm pretty sure. I'll sort of give you this one. I'm saying this is a branding thing

that you guys need to do a better job with. Okay, but my thing is like, I don't know if it's our branding or if it's like how you guys brand us. I'm sure it was not you guys. I can't imagine you guys are put in our faces. I just feel like you guys made Cabal a bad word because you hate us, not like, we made it the word.

I'm agreeing. But now you guys need to stop using it. Right. In any other context and be like, yo, don't use the C word. It's a group. Exactly, yeah. It is a group of powerful Jews all colluding to control things. It is not a cabal.

Whoa. A ball is anti-Semitic. Exactly. See, this is the power. Words of power. I understand. So, yeah, not a lot of people wanted Hawaii. It was contested, okay?

This guy, Grover Cleveland. He opposed the annexation, recognizing the dubious name. the coup and even ordered an investigation, which concluded that the overthrow was indeed illegitimate. Cleveland pushed for the queen's reinstatement, but the provisional government of Hawaii led by Sanford Dole refused. Sanford Dole, I don't think was Hawaiian. Sanford Dole rocking a vineyard vines, polo, crokeys, and flip-flops. Yeah, I think we're probably not going to reinstate the queen. Yeah, I think we'll just kind of leave her on the beach for now. North Shore waves are firing this winter, so I'm going to probably head out for a

Yeah, we're going to be at the Vulcum House, but I'm telling you, whenever things clear up, we'll get her back in for sure, okay? But just wait after this swell, okay? The issue is in limbo until the election of President William McKinley, again, a known expansionist with a vision of getting America's influence in the Pacific. We can't talk about the monarchy during Billabong pipe masters. Sorry. There's been some absolutely massive white bats. Dude, Jaws is absolutely torquing right now, so we're just going to kind of just chill. But yeah, so the Spanish-American War breaks out in 1898.

Hawaii's strategic location for naval operations of the Pacific made it more desirable. McKinley saw Hawaii as a crucial military asset. And without waiting for formal treaty, McKinley pushed through a joint resolution in Congress, the Newlands Resolution annexed Hawaii in 1898, bypassing the Senate's treaty. Hawaii is formally declared a state later and its strategic importance is sealed. As you can imagine, for many Hawaiians, this was painful. Native Hawaiians were never given a voice on the decision. Queen Lily Okalani, who fought tirelessly for a people's independence,

spent the rest of her life in Hawaii writing and advocating for her people, but was unable to restore monarchy. But probably avoided bloodshed. So maybe that's something good, you know? Yeah. Yeah, one of the first clear moves in U.S. transformation into a Pacific imperial power signaling an era, an era of American expansionism.

Now, lastly, let's get to some of the more interesting ones that are not states yet. Okay. Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Philippines. Mm. These are all controlled by which imperial power? Us. Before us.

Oh. You got those. England? Spain. Fuck. So close. Oh, you're looking at me because we talked about all about Spain. Yeah, and just like Puerto Rico.

You looked at me with this knowing look. Like, come on, we talked about Spain. I thought it would be a layup. I figured you'd be like, who controlled Puerto Rico? Who could it be? Oh, Puerto Rico. But I was thinking of Philippines. And I was like, who would control Philippines?

Well, have you ever met a Filipino person? No. I've went to a Korean, no, it's different. I know, like, women. Have you ever met a Filipino? There's like a 50-50 chance that, like, their last name is, like, Lopez. Oh, like Mario Lopez. I don't know if he's Filipino.

Pull it up. I think he's just Mexican. But I like me your heads at. But yeah, I'm pretty sure. Like, look up, like, the most common last names. Mario Lopez is a guy, not the Mario Lopez. But Mario Lopez is the associate justice of the Supreme Court of the Philippines. Is that who you were talking about?

That is exactly who is. I say it correct. I apologize. You don't know the Mario Lopez? So look at these common Filipino service. Cruz. Cruz, Batista, Flores, Rivera, Ocampo, Garcia, Mendoza. You don't really think of the Philippines as Mexican, but it is.

It's kind of a wild little thing, you know? I'm sure Filipinos might object to this, but it is at being... I feel like every hot comic has a bit about like how being Filipino makes you Mexican or something. But it's true. It is one million percent true. It's more real than I realize. Gonzalez Santos. These are all prominent Filipino.

Fair enough. All came from 1898, the short but decisive Spanish-American War. So basically the war's origins steeped in both humanitarian outrage and political opportunism. Americans have been following Spain's brutal suppression of Cuban independence with reports of widespread suffering under Spanish rule. Basically, William McKinley, he's reluctant to engage in like this whole conflict that's brewing. Okay. Basically, here's a short of it, okay? For years, America had been following Spain's brutal suppression of Cuba, right?

newspapers, especially those publishing, of the publishing magnate, William Rudolph Hurst and Joseph Pulitzer. Of the prize. Of the prize. They jump on the stories, engaging in, quote, yellow journalism that exaggerates atrocities and stokes outrage. The cry, remember the Maine, memory-based slogan, soon swept the nation after the American battleship USS. USS Maine mysteriously exploded in Havana Harbor, killing 250 sailors. So, as you can see, a ship goes down. No one knows exactly what caused it. It's uncertain, really, but there's a huge press for

press for action. William McKinley, he doesn't want to engage. He's like, look, we just got all these places. We just got Hawaii. We don't want to be involved in more stuff. He asked Congress for a declaration of war, and basically they finally get into it. What followed is a swift and decisive conflict. The Navy decimates the Spanish fleet in Manila Bay, led by George Dewey, whose victory was over the outdated Spanish ships was nearly instantaneous on the other side of the world in Cuba the rough riders

quote unquote not DMX's crew but a completely different set of rough riders unrelated rough riders a volunteered cavalry unit led by future president Teddy Roosevelt captured the nation's imagination

with a charge on San Juan Hill and African American regiments fought alongside however they were largely left out of the narrative within months Spain's forces crumble leading to a lopside American victory So then we get the Treaty of Paris in December 1898. It ends the wars.

Seeds Spain's remaining empire in the Caribbean and the Pacific to the United States. Puerto Rico and Guam are taken with little fanfare, seen as useful outposts for military and commercial interests. The Philippines, with its complex politics, large population, and strategic location, ignite a fierce debate in the U.S. should the United States annex a foreign country thousands of miles away. What is the answer? The acquisition of the Philippines splits the nations. Anti-imperialists are like, yo, guys, we got to stop. Some of these people, as you might know, Mark Twain, Andrew Carnegie, and former president, Grover Cleveland argued that imperialism was un-American. Quite obviously.

Obviously. They saw it as a betrayal of the nation's principles of self-determination and feared that ruling over a foreign population would entangle the U.S. in conflicts and exploitative practices it had once condemned. Many also worried about the racial and cultural implications, fearing the annexation would open the door to more non-white immigrants and diluting what they saw as the American character. We have to stop colonizing brown people because we'll have to meet them. Exactly. That is a big argument, okay? So on the other side. Dude, we're so racist.

Our liberal ideas are racist. It's crazy. We leave them alone, okay? Or else they're going to fly here. I don't want to hang out of them. New York is going to be full of Puerto Reasons. What are we going to do? And so basically, Roosevelt and this guy, Senator Henry Cabot Lodge, believe the Philippines

was a strategic gem and that they needed to keep their foothold near China. They argue that the U.S. had a moral duty to, quote, civilize and Christianize the Filipino people, reflecting a paternalistic and debatably racist view, you know? I don't even think. I'm not going to debate you on that one. So debatable, not in this room. All right. Well, I guess I win the debate. In this heated climate, the Senate narrowly ratified the Treaty of Paris in 1890, bringing the Philippines, Puerto Rico in Guam under American control, Puerto Rico. And so by acquiring the Philippines, this is a whole thing. The Filipino leader, Emilio Anguinaldo,

fought alongside American forces against Spain, now turned against the U.S. And what would be clear that American liberation meant American rule. So the Filipino or the Philippine-American War, a brutal conflict from 99 to 1902, results in the deaths of tens of thousands of Filipinos and thousands of American soldiers, reports of atrocities committed by American forces,

yada, yada, yada, okay, sure, there's probably, you know, a couple bad things that happen. But the aftermath of all of this basically means that Puerto Rico and Guam remain U.S. territories because there's not really a huge dispute and, you know, push for independence in the same way that goes on in the Philippines. And the Philippines gains independence in 1946 after a turbulent period of American rule. But the war had changed America irrevocably. It ushered a new era of imperial ambition pushing the U.S. beyond its continental borders into the realms of global power politics. And that basically gets us up to where we're at.

Yeah, that's how we kind of scooped up all of our little spots. I would say Puerto Rico, of all the places we got, I would say one of the best. Yeah, I've never been, but I heard it's nice. It's pretty sick. I mean, just in terms of what we get out of it, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, we had one bad bunny. Yeah.

Like Denver's never given us a bad bunny. No. I don't think, right? No. And Denver was, you know, cheap. Yeah. I mean, like, for all the other places we got, I don't think we got one bad money out of all of it.

I mean, it's kind of sick to think, like, bad bunny's an American. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if he'd say that. Yeah, no, he probably would not. After what Tony Hinchcliffe said. But if you think about it, he's a full-blown American. Yeah. I mean, listen, I'll, you know, I got to say hearing all this,

I thought our biggest fuck-up was the Native Americans, but we like fucking murked everybody. Well, now this is where it gets interesting. This is where we have to leave off, is that this was the old days of imperialism, where you'd go out and find some land, find some resources, scoop it up. But then...

People give them God. But then you get into what we did after World War II with a little organization settled in Langley, known as the CIA. And basically, now it's like, okay, we're not going to go and control the countries. It's the whole thing. You don't want to try to, you know,

colonize some country all over the world. But let's just set up a leader. that's one of our guys and form some type of coup or color revolution and put in one of our assets that will do our bidding sell out their country to the American interest and then we can continue our colonization without any of the moral discrepancy

of having, you know, boots on the ground over there. So you're saying we do that with Canada. We got to get rid of Trudeau. We got to put in Hunter Biden. Hunter Biden runs Canada. It stays a separate country. Whoa, we have not. nothing to do with that. But all of a sudden, there's a lot more crack in prosecutors in Canada,

which is the American way. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. But yeah, that's kind of what I wonder is going on. You know what I mean? It's like, uh, like, I wonder if there's a little part of Trump that's like, I'm going to say I'm going to take it over. And then when they get all scared, I'll be like, I'm just fucking around. Yeah. Let's just put one of our guys to kind of control it. Is it, are countries like women and men where it's just hard to be friends because you end up just fucking each other. Like, is that what it is? Because I just don't understand

why we can't have country friends. I mean, we have some. Yeah. It's just hard to be friends with Trump beat, though, I think. You know, it's just hard to be like, oh, that's my boy. That's my boy. He's a lot of me.

Whereas, like, there's other presidents, I'm sure. Like, I'm sure. Obama. Obama. Yeah, I'm sure he was just dapping up everybody and they were cool with him. And he was like, yeah, he's like our homie. And, like, the French, I'm sure, loved him.

I miss Obama. Just as a dude. You know what's crazy? I was looking at Jimmy Carter's funeral, okay? RIP. Yeah. Trump and Obama, hitting it off. All of them were there.

And he's the youngest of all of them. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Well, all of it's crazy. They're all more friends with each other than they are with any of us. Oh, I mean, you saw George W. Yeah, dapping them up.

They're all fucking boys. So it's like, crazy. They're all related. They're all siblings. Like, we've already gone over this. They're literally related. They're like horse playing at the first.

funeral, like kids. Yeah. I mean, what have I learned from all this? I don't like to think about politics. I think it's like a game I don't understand the rules for it. It's like really violent. I feel the same way to be honest with you. That's why I like looking at history.

Because I'm like, you can talk about this without any real consequence. Yeah, you could be like, well, that was wrong. And then you don't have to really kind of take a whole side. You know what I mean? You know how you always stay on the right side of history? Yeah. Just look at history. Right.

You know what I mean? You just look at history and be like, I'm just going to pick the right side. But if you ask me right now, I'm like, whoa, this isn't history. This is happening right now. I guess my, yeah, to try and pick the right side of history right now, I would say, let's just probably not, like, kill anyone.

More than we have to. That's a good caveat. I like that. Yeah, you can't kill no one. But if we can keep it single digits. One a year. Pick a guy. Yeah, exactly.

Just to prove, you know, that of Iran. Maybe, perhaps, if we have there. Like one big guy. Yeah. You got like one big guy. Just to keep everyone, you know. Well, it's just like when we killed the Spanish fleet in the Bay of Manila.

Yeah. See, look at you. Yeah, like, we didn't even feel bad because it's like, well, you guys are also colonizers. Yeah. So I feel like colonizer on colonizer crime is better. Yeah, it doesn't feel as bad. Than colonizer on colony. Yeah, that feels way worse.

Yeah. And then the opposite is way. sicker. When a colony rebels, you're like, wait, Haiti, killed Napoleon? You want to hear a crazy thing, actually, to bring it home. And also, I'm running low on time here. I'm eventually going to have to jump. Great. Is Anguilla. You can look this up. Gained their independence and rescinded. Really? They were like, yo, we tried this. Who is Anguilla controlled by the British? They're currently controlled by the British. Believe so. Wow.

I mean, if you don't know that, that's hilarious. Short-lived period of independence. Wow. And they said, hey, you guys can be independent now. Yeah, this keeps going later. So they have more like autonomy, but they're still actually a British colony. Like Cayman Islands or the British Virgin Islands. Yes.

Interesting. It is in the BBI. Oh, it is? Yeah, it's a British Virgin Islands. Oh, the British Virgin Islands is like a whole chunk of island. Islands. And they're all got names that I've heard of. Yeah, I bet you like Antigua might be one too. No way.

Antigua might be... Can we find out all the British Virgin Islands? This is... See, look at... Now I'm learning something. This is great. And by the way, this is like... It's so nice out there you'd think the Spanish would have found it. Okay.

South Gorda, Norman Island, Tortala. Maybe in Quix, isn't there? Tortola. Have you been there? No. I've been to a few. I've been to, I've been to a few. I've been to St. Bart's,

Anguilla, St. Martin. St. Lucia. When you come back, can we just do that? Episode where you just explain to me all the places you vacation. I would be. I'd be happy to do a little Pete type interview with you where I just amaze you with what I think of the world. I mean, I'm blown away by this.

So, all that is. Maybe Angola is not. Maybe I was wrong about that. But it is, it had a dependence. How would you know, even? You know what I mean? It's not like you guys live there or anything, but, you know, like, how would you, how would you even know about any of this? But yeah, it's a, it's a fascinating, it's a fascinating tale, the history of the American Empire.

It's quite, I'll tell you this, from everything you just said, I think the chances that it doesn't change, at least by a little bit in the coming lifetime of ours. Yeah. Are extraordinarily low. I think there will be more states in our lifetime. You think so? Yes. Well, let's think, right? Just briefly, as we're wrapping up, like, to get a new place, you've got to have a war.

Not necessarily. I don't think Puerto Rico would go to war with us if we... So you got to do war, you got to do some type of, like, treaty. I said no, but you said... Well, I'm adding, I'm adding. You got to do a treaty. Okay, yeah. You got to buy it.

Sure. Or you got to do kind of a combination of all these. Yeah. But those are really kind of, like, the only ways that we've really discussed that you could really get land. You could have, like, I think with Puerto Rico... buying would be a complicated term because I think they would get government funding, which would be money spent by our government, and then they would pay taxes, which they already do, I believe.

They'd probably have to pay a different tax. Yeah, they don't pay the federal tax. In fact, I believe America was founded on no taxation without representation. But I do believe they have taxation and no representation. Yes. That is, that is. We don't have a federal tax, I don't think, but they have like their local taxes and shit, which I think... Which we then see some of. Exactly. So that's a... I can see that.

I can see that. I think Puerto Rico could definitely become a state. In our lifetime, I think. I think Guam. I'm not as familiar with Guam, but I added to the list. We're going to go there this summer, okay? Yeah. We'll go to Guam.

So, yeah, I mean, those two for sure. Greenland? I just don't, I don't think we're going to send troops into Greenland. I don't think we're going to send troops into America. I think Denmark's going to sell it. And I don't think they're going to sell it. Here's the thing is... One thing that's happening is these British fuckers,

just the Europeans in general, are starting to hate us so much that, like, I know that they had their own movement and you had Brexit from the EU, but like we're going to make them consolidate again with how much they hate us. And if Denmark doesn't have the money to fend off whatever offer we throw at them,

they will like bring in Germany. And be like, yo, you guys got us? Can you help us out? I could see it. Those guys all get each other. You know, they all wear pants too tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all, like, wear cross-body bags.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They all, like... Like knit sweaters and have dumb haircuts. EDS. EDR music, cigarettes. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Like...

Not working out. Not working out. You know, fucking, like, normal jobs that aren't shameful. Like, they're all, like, shopkeepers and it's fine. Which is crazy. Like they're just, they are on the same wavelengths. Yeah. And we're not on that wavelength.

And if we come in and do some prototypically us shit, which is like trying to steal their shit, buy their shit, and act like it's kind of funny, which is the other thing we do is we act like it's sort of funny. It's a little funny. It's like how not threatened we are. I want that. We're going to buy you.

Like you could, like we wouldn't even do that to China because China's powerful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We wouldn't be like, I'm going to take Singapore. That would be like really bad. Yeah, it's a, it's a bully tactic to literally go to the kid at the lunch show, be like, I'm going to eat your food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, don't do that.

I'm hungry. I'm going to eat that. That grilled cheese sandwich looks real nice. And they're like, but don't? And you're like, no, okay. But that girl's cheese sandwich is covered in ice. I don't give a fuck. There's cheese in there.

Yeah, underneath the ice. And we need cheese to go to Mars. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm with you. I'm with you. Greenland, I'm 50-50.

I'm, but we shall see. We shall see. And in the event, they've become a part of our great union, welcome to all the Greenlanders. All right. Hey, welcome. Maybe we guys will get a NBA team. Trouble say something like, what is it like, we shouldn't colonize them because they're brown. The Danes can come here.

The Danish people, they're allowed to come over. But I think if we give Greenland like an NBA team and, I don't know, like a five guys or something. The Greenland icicles. Yeah, or something, you know, like, then we can just kind of all look back in 100 years and be like, oh, yeah, Trump and Greenland is a beautiful little mountain. And this will be a piece of antiquity. And people will be like, wait, your kids are going to call you and be like, Dad, you were alive when Greenland wasn't a state.

And I'm going to be like, I was only 29. I barely remember. I was busy. I was high off my ass. I was back when I was still a comedian. Yeah, exactly. Now I just own the weather channel or whatever. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, that's been another set of tent talks.

Thanks for having me. Thank you so much, Lucas. I appreciate you of the Zelnik clan. You're a good man and just an ally and a fighter for the freedom of all. So I appreciate you. Thank you guys so much for tuning in and listening. I'd love to know what you think. Is Greenland going to become another state?

Is Canada? Is the six going to be a part of our great union? Yeah. Coming a nine now? You know what I'm saying? Six man, like Lou Will. Just let me know. Write down the comments.

As always, we're dropping these episodes every week, sometimes three times a week, typically twice. But anyway, subscribe. do all that shit. Love you. See you next time. If you've made it to the end of this episode, that's because you rock with us. And for that, we rock with you. You are sophisticated. You enjoy honest, true communication,

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