Camp Gagnon - Matteo Lane's BEST Advice & Explaining Gay Icons | Camp Gagnon

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Whats good people we got Matteo Lane at camp today to give his best dating advice, why dudes love the roman empire, and why the gays love Mariah Carey. Matteo is a great comic and an even better dude. WELCOME TO CAMP!Edited and Produced by: @99OvrAll Thanks to Morgan and Morgan ZippexBlue chew for supporting the greatest show everTimecodes00:00 Intro01:21 Matteo being a clean freak02:50 Mark’s laundry snafu + absent mindedness05:30 Coffee anxiety, Mummy compl...

Lady Gaga was the very first concert I ever went to. Really? Yeah. My dad took me and like four of my siblings right after her first album dropped. He was like, hey, this would be a fun concert. We show up. And then just a thousand gay dudes, the whole place. My dad was like, oh, this is different than what I had anticipated.

Gays and thongs, being like, yes! And the show's like provocative. She's like naked at one point. It was crazy. And then my dad just as relieved me, he just looks me. He's like, just don't tell your mom about this. It was like our little gay secrets. It was amazing.

You're such a... This is my dear friend, Mateo Land. He's one of the biggest touring comedians out right now with a sold-out theater tour all over the world. And today he's in the tent to figure out why straight dudes love the Roman Empire. How often do you think of the Roman Empire? More frequently than you would think.

What is it about the Roman Empire that we're so fascinated by? He tells me some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard. You've got major trust issues. Why is she going through his phone? And he even explains to me why the gays love Barbara Streisand Amari. I love Mara. Mariah gets it. She was doing an interview and she was like, yeah, well, I'm going to do this Christmas tour and then they put me back on ice. She's 54 years old and can still sell out three Madison Square Garden shows like it's nothing.

All of this and more with the great Italian sculpture of a man, Mateo Lane. Welcome to Kim. Is it nice? Do you guys have a good division of like household duties? I think he thinks so, but I don't. Because I'm more clean than he is and he thinks he cleans and And yesterday, I was gone for four days and he was gone for two days. He's like, don't worry. I clean the house of Morae. And I come home and I'm just like, like the house is not clean. I can offer his side because I'm the messier of my pairing.

He's like a tornado. But my wife is too clean. I'm too clean. My wife, are you someone that like if he puts down like a can on the table? Like you're immediately coaster under it or just... I am that person. Or just throwing away the can. I don't know if I throw it away.

Did he finish it? No. Doesn't matter. If it's my wife, it doesn't matter. matter. I would let him finish his dream. If it's half empty, she'll just be like, ah, he's probably done with this and throw it away. And I go, oh, babe, where's my my mom's like that? Are you using it? No, it goes

Yeah, that's how my wife is. So that's just kind of how I am. It's like living with a small Chinese man. She's just collecting bottles around the house, nonstop. That's such a New York reference. Anyone not in New York has, under no circumstances, do they know what you're talking about? You don't think they do that in other places? I grew up in Chicago. I never saw it once.

Really? It's a New York thing. Why is it an entire thing? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if it's, I don't know. Is the market rate for aluminum in New York, like, way higher? It's like gold. It's like the gold rush. I feel like there's a bunch of shit that New Yorkers do that other people don't. Like, once you leave New York, you're like, oh, that, like, carrying your laundry, men wearing backpacks around downtown.

Carrying your laundry. I did the most embarrassing thing with my laundry that day. What? So my... Pulled out your thong. Exactly. I was like, it's my wife. No, I brought my, my wife was like, can you take the trash down?

And can you take the laundry to the laundry mat? I said, of course. The laundry. Better. I literally just like, take the trash, take the laundry. They're in similar size bags, similar size weight. I go down the stairs, four-story walk-up, okay, you gotta get my quads going for six. Are you really six stories?

That's why I have such a nice ass. Yeah, that's literally it is the only reason. It's like I have like sadomasochism. I'm like, I could get a better apartment, but I'm like, this is the only way I'm going to get this work out of him. Tell Nick to do that next time he's like showing the apartment. My friend Nick, every time he comes upstairs, the door opens, the legitimate look on his face is like he just gave birth. Yeah, he can't breathe, and I'm like, it's not that bad. When I got my hair surgery the first time, he was my emergency contact,

and I was helping him up the stairs. Oh, wow. Floor 2, he was like, I can't go anymore. I'm like, I just got out of a 10-hour surgery. You're like a Sherpa on Everest. You're like, you have to go. You have to do it. I move like a goat.

Now, you see those goats that like those like cliffs, and they're just kind of like, what's up? Yeah. So I'm going down the stairs. I got the laundry. I got my trash, and I'm going down, and I'm like listening to something. I'm listening to 15-minute podcast featuring Mateo Lane and Nick Smith called I Never Like to You, Available anywhere you get podcasts.

Okay, all right, you know, I'm plugging you, okay? Okay, you don't have to plug it. Okay, pause. Anyway, so I'm carrying it all down. I go, walk directly past the trash, directly to the laundromat, and I show up and I go, here you go, and I drop both of them off. And the poor guy at the laundromat was like, sir, I, excuse me, he doesn't really speak great English. And it was just like, Mr. Mr. and I was like, what, dude?

I take out my head phone, like angry. I was like, right. Dude, I'm in a rush. And he's like, it just points to like garbage leaking on the ground. I was like, oh yeah, my bad, sorry. And I picked it up and took it over. Better than like throwing out your laundry and then bringing him. No, because I don't have a laundry bag.

I just have like, I just throw my laundry in a trash bag and carry it down. That's a liability. Is it? I mean, it's dangerous. I mean, what if you slip your mind one day? Have you ever done that? Left your apartment and been like, oh, did not close the door. Didn't turn the thing off.

Well, sometimes when I used to be on the, when I, thank God, I live with Rodrigo now because when I used to be on the road, like, in my head, I'd be on the plane, like, did I lock the door? Like, such a home alone moment. Like, no, it was the garage, the door? I wish I had a garage. But, yeah, I sometimes I think I didn't, I don't know if I locked the door or not. Yeah. I mean, but usually, no. I mean, I'm one of those people, like, my whole house is clean and, like, I take care of everything right before I go. What are you drinking? This is a, it's like a caffeine substitute. Oh, it's like a neotropic thing. I don't know. It helps me. I can't do as much caffeine, so I just, like, chug leaves. What about just a shot of espresso? The caffeine kind of makes me anxious. Does it? I mean, it makes me anxious. My friend Molly Merkel has a great joke. She's like, I can't tell if the creator's taken over.

I had way too much coffee. I always feel like that. Sometimes I have a cup of coffee. I'm like, gotta do stuff. Yeah, exactly. Coffee makes me jitterate, but this actually makes me feel good. But anyway, I digress.

Yeah, I think the thing that was the most difficult when my wife and I moved in together, which again, I was 23, which I think makes it a little bit easier. That's so young. It makes it, like, there's a malleability. when you're just like a young boy. You know what I mean? Like,

Are you a priest? Honestly, the way you just described that was like, I was like, what? Yeah, it was vaguely sexual. But there is a maliability when you're just a young guy. 23 years old. I'm moving him with a woman. That's young. I mean, 23 years.

Whatever she wants me to do, I will just do it. Right. I'm like, I'm at- Often men are looking for women to just tell them what to do. I don't know. I have a mommy complex. That is true. Do you have a mommy complex?

Is that a thing that straight guys have? Of course. I mean, yeah, a million percent. I don't think I really do more than the average guy, but yeah, 100% straight guys have mommy complexes. I mean, first off, Milforn. I don't think Italian men have mommy complexes because they never leave their lives. So there's no room for a void. The mommy complex is the side home that they live in while you're living on your own.

That is, yeah. An Italian mother would live, I mean, I watch this like, I follow these, like, Italian Instagram pages, and everyone will prank their parents. So this girl, she's like 27 pranks her mom. and she's like, all right, I'm signing the lease here. And the way the mother reacted was like, she's like, what are you me are signing a lease? What are you, who's going to do your fucking laundry?

And she starts like scuffing up the floor. She's like, now you know what it's like. Now you know you'll clean it. You don't have anyone to fucking clean your house for you. Was your mom anxious when guests would come over? No, my mom was okay. I mean, like my nana would be because. We have to clean.

Yeah, I mean, yes. My mom, we always had a clean house. but like more, my grandma's more of that where like when you go in the house, even though we're her grandkids and we see her every day, like the shoes have to come off and go straight to the basement.

That's what it is. Is that what instilled the cleanliness in you? I don't know. I think you know what it is. Once you start, like I just, this past few years, I finally made money. And I, so I'm buying,

like I bought my couch, bought my bed, like I'm buying nice things to have in the house. And now because I've bought them, I really care for them. And so I think before I was just, living on a cot. Yeah.

So I didn't have anything to care about. Yeah. I mean, my first apartment was a tenement apartment. Sixth floor walk up with a bathtub in the kitchen. Not like architectural digest. Like, this would look great. Like I had to wash my dishes and ass in the same place. No.

And there was cockroaches. So I didn't care about anything. Then my second apartment, I lived in an attic above Searsameda. And so I couldn't stand all the way. And there was no closet. So all my clothes were just in these baskets I found. So again, I didn't care for anything. Then I lived it with Evan Williams and his wife at the time, Felicia.

And I'm, it just, I didn't have any space to care for anything. So now that I'm living on my own and I've been like buying, I bought like a nice couch and I have like a nice, you know, now I like, oh, I wanted to look clean. This is like your first time having like things where you're like, I care for these things. And I finally have a couch is what I'm trying to say. That's also New York living where I'm like a couch. Who could imagine having a couch? This is what happens when you get married.

I remember we got married and my wife was like, we need a couch. Like that is like the first thing that happens And she picked the largest, chunkiest Restoration Hardware, leather couch. And I was like, oh yeah, this is a great couch, whatever. We get it, like restoration hardware, like the outlet or whatever. So it was on discount. The guy undercut us, he was like, no, this one's like a great couch,

no problems with it, no scuffs, nothing like that. And then we buy it, we get it delivered to our place. There's no legs. It's supposed to have like little like legs on it. And then the guy was like, yeah, there's no legs. And then we called him up and I was like, where are the legs for the couch? He's like, yeah, it doesn't come with legs.

that's why it's so cheap. I was like, dude, you told us it was, fuck. You might have wanted to, I don't know, bring that up. Yeah, that's what I said. I love people who was job, like, I was doing, I was in Philly last year doing a theater, the, I forget the name of it,

the middle of the theater, and the sound guy and I got into it because I was like, oh, this, like, it was one of these things to be like, hold the microphone, and every time he held it, it made like noise. I was like, we got to fix this.

Like, it's so, it's a lot. It's crack. Right. And then he's like, he, he tapes it and then it's still happening. He goes, well, what do you want me to do? And I go, well, this might shock you, but I'm not the sound guy. You know what I mean? Like, if you're selling furniture

and it's so cheap, tell me why. Yeah, I'm, which the thing is like, we don't even really care. They just want to get it out and they're like, this young couple's stupid and they'll take it. And they're completely right. We were very dumb. When you're young, yeah, you're like, it's a deal. Literally. And so we get it and we get it to our place. Like I said, four story walk up. We're like, oh, this is going to be perfect. Did you carry it up? No one carried it. it up because Mateo it didn't fit. Oh my God. So literally we're in the lobby of our building for like

a month and just sitting down there. People are walking by like delivery guys are like stacking boxes on it. It's just like the lobby's couch. And they let you keep it there? No. Everyone was mad. Everyone in the building was like, can you move your couch and we're like, yeah, where do we put it? So we're like trying to see if we can return it. No refund. It was an outlet. So now I'm like, god damn. Now you're going to sell it on Facebook? Better. My wife goes, Mark, I have a solution. And at this point I'm just livid. I'm like filing divorce papers. I'm like, look, this is it. Okay. It's been three months we've been married,

but this couch is going to be the end of us. Right. She goes, the couch doctor. I was like, what is the couch doctor? Oh, yeah. And she goes,

it's an old Polish guy that lives in Greenpoint that comes over with a chainsaw. He cuts it in half, carries the remnants of our destroyed couch upstairs, and then puts it back together. That's right. And I was like,

we're not doing this. And she goes, we have to. Yeah. And so literally, I was like, I'm leaving. Just do it.

And then just let me know what happens. And I come home that day, couch is gone. I see, like, dust and, like, cotton, like, in the lobby. Like, there's, like, a crime scene. I was like, yeah, this is going to be awful. Go upstairs, perfect couch.

Completely perfect. Assembled perfectly. You can't even see any of the stitching or any of the scenes. Are you still in the same place? Same place. Perfect couch. Damn. They probably, like, hid weapons in there.

I don't know. There's probably a crime thing happening where, like, there's, like, some cover-up. But it's just perfectly in the apartment. No problems at all. Okay, so maybe I got to... It's just one guy doing this for the whole city? I guess. I don't know.

The couch doctor. The couch doctor. It comes with, like, a stethoscope. Exactly. And he's like, you know, he's like, trying to have a thyroid problem, but we'll get it up there. Yeah, I guess that's a great way to have a die is just be sawed in half. Exactly. My God, that's crazy.

Yeah, I try to carry it up with like CrossFit friends. Yeah. And it was just not working. I mean, I now if I move, I moved like what six times in New York City? If I move it, because I'll probably buy next year. So if I buy, then I'll probably when I move, I will hire a company to do it. Yeah, you must. Because I'm almost 40.

So I'm like, this is ridiculous. Can you say almost 40 if you're 37? Yeah, I'll be 38 this summer. Okay. So that is almost 40. I mean, I'm over that hill. 35 is like, ooh, I've still got five years. But that was a pandemic.

See, I don't want you to be almost 40 because that means I'm almost 30. Okay. And that terrified. First of all, the 20s are overrated. Let's just get that out of the way. You think so? It's too much pressure to do a bunch of shit that you don't even end up wanting to do. Too much drinking, too much partying, too much this, too much.

Maybe not you because you're married and they're like working full time. This is good. I feel a lot of pressure in my 20s to... No, but who can't... Then you're in your 30s, you're like, oh, right, like, and now I just want to sit

on my couch, I have a job. Like, I think things slow down, and then when you're 30, and you have those friends that are still keeping up with 20-year-olds, that's like a huge warning sign for me. I'm like, things aren't going to go well.

But, you know, too much pressure in your 20s to, like, just live. It's like, I don't want to live. I want to just be at home. Yeah. I think also because I'm doing stand-up, like I get my outlet,

that I don't have to do extra stuff, but like 30s are when you like join like either a book club or like a volleyball team and a Sunday drink is like you're like we're doing it kind of thing. Did you try to do too much stuff in your 20s you felt like where you're like, well my 20s was just, the first part of my 20s was just I'm in Chicago and I was just free. So I was working as a storeboard artist and my jobs only came every now and then. I mean, it paid well, but it would come like maybe once or twice a month. I'd had a lot of free time to just drink, go out Thursday, go out Friday, go out Saturday,

I go out Sunday. Like me and my friend John and Jesse would just like go to the beach, hang out, like bike around, be gay, date. Like I did that and then I found stand-up at 23. And then it got real serious at 25 when I moved to New York. And then I just spent 25 to 30 doing nothing but stand-up. I didn't party. I didn't go out.

I didn't date. I didn't do drugs. I didn't do anything as you do in your 20. All I did was open mics and bar shows every single night. Wow. And then after. 30. It was like... Then I had my first boyfriend Kike and him and I dated and that was a really nice time

and because I was like a slow, like now I knew I could get spots. It wasn't so like, you know, but then the pandemic hit and then I called Schultz and then everything geared up again. Yeah. So that's where now it's like the game has sort of changed. I mean, it's, I'd always tell you this, but it is so remarkable how famous you are. I'm not famous. But you are though. You know that you are. And I'm not like Schultz famous. But I mean, okay, Let me phrase it this way. My father works in France, okay?

And his closest friend is this gay guy, okay, that he works with. He's in France, so everyone's closest friend is going to be gay. Exactly, yeah, exactly. And every time my dad brings me up, he always goes, oh, was Mateo there? Like, every show, like, my dad will be like, oh, yeah, Mark is just... I love that your, like, reference for fame is that your dad's gay friend in Paris knows who I am. And is obsessed. Like, my dad can't get a word out about me without...

him being like, oh, but did Mr. Hill before? So now your dad knows who I am. No, my dad actually, my dad was with you when we were in Paris. Oh my God, that's right. That's right. I forgot about that. Yeah, it was a fabulous time. And his friend was so jealous. I've definitely become more well, I mean, like I get stopped in this, I just

realize it's a dead cat on the table. No, but it's, but honestly I was talking to somebody about this the other day. Like, I kind of live a very small, like, it's so funny, I did three shows at the Kennedy Center. That's probably three, that's almost like 8,000, 9,000. and tickets altogether.

And you do these shows, you walk on stage, and sometimes they're cheering, and in my head, I'm like, I'm not Taylor Swift. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it hasn't connected yet. I get off stage. I just go back to my hotel. I come back to New York.

I live my life. I go to the gym. I go to the cellar. I play Fortnite. Like, that's it. And then I go back out on the road. You do the show, and you just go back home.

See, this is the beauty of you having all of the success right now. Right. Because imagine if this happened for you when you were like 25. There would be a nightmare. It would be a complete nightmare. What do you think you would have done at this?

I think I would have been more anxious and felt like I had to keep ramping things up. And I've really sort of likened my career to the barefoot contessa. Like, you know, I'm not really going to evolve in a way. Like, I'm not going to, like, I'm just going to kind of give you the same roast of chicken. Yeah. But like, kind of a little different. You know what I mean? Like, in other words, I'm just kind of slow and steady wins the race.

So I think people feel like, I got this and now I got to get this, this, this, this. And I'm like, I just, you know, I'm happy I'm not at the ha-ha hut right now. Like, I'm happy that I'm doing the Kennedy Center. So I'm just kind of like, just keep bringing stuff out and enjoy my content and enjoy the stuff that I make. You say that now, but I think in 10 years you're going to be full Liza Minnelli. I'm Liza now. I don't even need... I don't even need...

I love Liza. She's so funny. You know, it's so funny. Her close friend, her piano player for years, finally found me on Instagram and message me being like, I have never seen a better Liza Minlella. This is someone who's lived with her, works with her for years. Like, I've never seen a better Liza Minle than you. I mean, at this point, you are, like, fan number one of the club?

I don't know that I'm a fan of Liza that way. I just, it's more like, like, I'm a fan of Barbara Streisand. I'm a fan of Mariah Carey, even though I've got thoughts. But Liza is just someone, like, almost like a mad TV character that, like, I've latched on to. and I can kind of embody her and like if someone's like you have to speak like Glysm and Ellie for the rest of your life I'd be like done easy I could just

I prefer that yeah just put me in a wheelchair give me a cigarette and I could tell you stories about Uncle Sammy I called Sammy Davis Junior Uncle Sam was so funny he was so fun

my brother Joey would appreciate it it's so good I didn't realize that her character in a rest of development is just her yeah it's the same person. My Liza, by the way, the rest of the elements when she was having her comeback, she had married David Guest, she had recovered from brain encephalitis.

So she was like having her fifth or sixth comeback, right? My Liza is a little more subdued as post that, where she had her hip replacement and she was on probably... Larry King and... There's two Larry King Lises. There's one Larry King where she's like real manic, like, ha! And the other's another one where she's just like... She can kind of barely pick her head up.

That's what I watched. I watched the manic one today. Yeah, where she talks about, like, what are you talking to me about Elizabeth Taylor for? Mine is where Larry King asks her, he's like, what do you make of Lady Gaga? Well, and I see Lady Gaga, I see someone with strength,

pizzazz. And also, pizzazz. She really is. I'm doing her on the Home Shopping Network. If you look up Liza on the Home Shopping Network, there's a four-minute clip that some gays spliced together the best of it. And she's just a mess.

I mean, the callers are calling. Like, thank you, you're such an inspiration. Thank you so much. You're my mentor, too. Like, she's just nodding off. She's nodding off. The host is working it to make it seem like Liza's coherent. And Liza keeps bringing up her knee.

And the host has to, you know, I was upside down in a hospital making an album. And I broke my knee. I had my knee replacement. My knee. I found clay. like she was just so why do they keep putting her on TV because she makes money and

you know Liza Lindsay Lohan and Brittany are all kind of in the same category of like they can act however they want and people are like Ah Lindsay's kind of back Lindsay looks unbelievable

You saw her? She was with Steph Curry at the game Just like looking amazing Okay well I don't know about Steph Curry at a game But I know I know for the restaurant You're like what restaurant is that? Steph Curry I love Indian food

Thai like curry She looks great And she's like acting again She's really great It's great to see Lindsay Lohan Just doing what she does best Comedic roles in simple movies She has a new Irish like movie coming out

It's basically a Christmas movie But for Irish That's what they're missing St. Patrick's Day That's the word of looking at It's like St. Patrick's Day wish or some bullshit But she's great For Irish people

Oh St. Patrick's Day That's what I think in Ireland They don't care about St. Patrick's Day But in Chicago where I'm from It looks like a war zone. Yeah, they pollute the river. It's awful. It's the worst day to be in Chicago.

It is the worst city to have St. Patrick's Day. Wait, what? Green beer. I mean, I don't, every city has like, oh, it's St. Patrick's Day. Chicago, it is like times a million. Every single, kids are drinking and throwing up in the streets. I mean, it is chaos. Is this an Italian prejudice?

I feel like this is you and you're Italian pride. My dad's Irish. Oh, is it really? Yeah, my dad's Irish. My mom is Italian and Mexican. Oh, so you're completely justified in this disdain. Yeah, it's an awful. And no one Irish is actually out in the street drinking.

It's like, you know, everyone else. This is Santa Con, basically. Santa Con and Cinco de Mayo. Yeah. Right? We're like some white financial dudes running around with like a sombrero on. Yeah. It's like, oh, he's got to live his life somehow.

Yeah, he needs this. He's a few months away from wearing shorts in the wintertime. So let's just let them have this. They took away clueludes from them. So they need to have something. What is it quaylude? I think it's a horse tranquilizer. Horse tranquilizer.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. And people are doing. What's with people in their? obsession with horses, fucking horses, horse tranquilizer, gays doing ketamine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Oh yeah, is ketamine, I guess? That's a, that's a horse drug? It's, I think so, yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. And also, like, were people taking during COVID? Everyone was taking everything during COVID. It was the horse dewormer? What was it? You don't remember this? No. There was a drug that people were taking during COVID. I cannot remember, I can't remember the name. But apparently it was like a deworming thing, but they said it was for horses.

Oh, to take it to cure the COVID or Yeah, exactly. COVID. What am I five? Yeah, but, like, apparently it helped

as like a prophylactic, yada, yada, but my mom was on the phone with me, she's like, I just got some. I was like, really?

She's like, I've been taking it. I feel better than ever. I was like, and it's not the horse one. You got like the human one because, like, there's this whole media

propaganda thing where they're trying to make it seem like it's a farm drug, but they prescribe it for humans also. And she was like, well, no,

I couldn't get my hands on that prescription so I'm taking the horse one. I was like, We have to be taking horse drugs now. Oh, we were so crazy during the pandemic. We were just unhinged, crazy idiots. Were you washing the groceries?

No, I'm not that. I had COVID. I got COVID in March 2020. I called my COVID Y2K. Oh, did you really? Yeah, I was like seeing this guy and he gave it to me. And then we had to like stay in my apartment together for like seven days. He got sicker than I did.

And I took care of one and then never spoke to me again. No. He was such a, that was such an asshole move. But no, but COVID. But so I had it first. I didn't realize I had it first, but then I wasn't able to taste anything. And then it was like three weeks later, the New York Times came out saying, by the way, if you can't taste, this is a sign of COVID.

It's like, oh, I had it. That was worse than the COVID. I was an Italian. You're like, yeah, because I was making red sauce and I kept adding salt. I'm like, why can't I taste it? Yeah. And I was like, oh. My wife and I did this when we got COVID.

Really? She was like, isn't this going to be so fun? I had it three times. I know. Stop. Go inside. I was inside. I was playing Ford Night inside. You were not inside. I got Omicron. I got the first

COVID Omicron and then the thing after Omicron. You see it's like it was Tours. We got Delta, we got Omicron. We got United, Delta, JetBlue, and I don't know why I'm together. And we got to share some spirited lines. I know, but people were really

unhinged during that time. Well, my wife and I, when we got it, we got it together. We're like, we're going to quarantine in the house. We got 14 days. What do you want to do? We played car games. We watched Outlander, which is a great show. Have you seen this show? I don't know if you would like that.

I don't think I'd like it. I think you will. I think you will. I hate it. No, you are going to like it. I'm going to force you to like it. And she was like, okay, we're going to eat all the foods that we can't normally eat. So she's like, you don't really like spicy food.

We're going to eat a bunch of tachis. But you can still feel the spice. I didn't realize this, okay? I just can't taste it. She was like, we're going to eat a pokey chip. We're going to eat like the super hot ghost pepper chips. We're going to eat wasabi. we're going to eat a bunch of stuff

and to see how it feels. And I was like, all right. So we did like this mutant charcutory board of just like jet fuel. Did you think about your colon at all? Didn't even cross my mind. Didn't even cross my mind. Yeah, I know.

I'd never cross my mind. And so we ate all of it and I was like, oh, this is kind of fun. You can't really taste it, but it's like a little spicy. Like, oh, this is crazy. And I forgot that my mouth had COVID, but my asshole did not have COVID.

Yeah, that must have felt like there was just like pine needles coming out of you in the morning. It was just, it was like, I got Indian food in Mesh Patel the other week, and I love Indian food, and I handle spice very well. I can eat spice really spicy foods. But no, you forget, you wake up the next morning. You're like, do I have an STI somehow?

I'm like, oh, no, that's fine. I had Indian food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't do spice at all. Not at all? I go to these spicy, I go like, I go to Indian restaurant, Thai restaurant, and I just go. Blanco. I brought.

Blanco. I'm not doing it. I say mas. And they're like, we're an Indian restaurant. I'm like, this. You get what I'm saying. Desculpe. But, no, I brought Nick to that restaurant because he doesn't like any, he doesn't eat anything,

but like buttered noodles. Chicken fingers? Chicken fingers and cupcakes. So we brought him there and he was like, look, I'll be honest, I was really struggling. But he enjoyed it. There you go. You're browning his horizons. He needs a little.

He thinks I'm too particular when I eat, but I said, he's like, it's not easy to go to a restaurant with you because you're too particular. And I was like, why? He's like, you're too highfalutin. It has to be the right this, the right that, like a nice restaurant. I was like, yeah, well, we're in New York so we can eat well. But you just want to eat fucking dominoes and your bodega all day. This is great, though.

Like, you are the dream partner because, like, when we were in Amsterdam, we were doing shows in Amsterdam. Oh, that's right. And you were there. And all of us, like, we were just, like, finding random places that had, like, high ratings on Yelp. Then me and Francesco. Literally, yeah, just like, we have no taste. We're just, like, trying to, like, okay, what's cool? And then we see you and you're like, stop.

Cancel your reservation. everything's off. Cancel the shows. You just came in. You're like a dictator. I did. I had Francesco. Francesco de Carlo,

really great Italian comic coming out together. So of course we found like the good Italian places. It was amazing. It was amazing. And they were all from Italy. And then Francesco was famous in Italy.

So he had them, we had him call and said, look, we have a famous American comic with us, Andrew Schultz. Like that, we'll stay open. We'll stay open.

We'll stay open. It was amazing. Yeah. That was so fun. And then we desecrated by singing chicken fried by Zach Brown Ben. Yeah, well, you know,

I didn't know the words. Have you ever heard that song before? I've got under no circumstances. Did you think that we were just inventing it? You're like, I'm sure it's real. I'm sure there's a million songs I could sing. You'd be like, that?

Oh yeah, that's probably a good point. Actually, speaking of which, I did watch the opera that you told me to watch. Which one? The one where the woman stabs her husband. Morte, Morte, Morte, Morto. Oh, Tosca. Yeah.

Yeah. I watched on YouTube. Did you watch the Maria Callis version? Yes, on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Do you know that's, like, that is known to be the greatest opera. performance, operatic performance of all time. I will say it was...

It single-handedly changed how we view and absorb opera. It was amazing and I genuinely, I'm a huge fan of opera. I will say, I think there is a genetic component of opera in my family. I don't know why. My dad used to tell me that his father, and my dad's dad was like, kind of like

scheming. I mean, probably. But it was like a scheming kind of guy that would like, he was sort of like tough. He went to prison a couple times. He was like a French-Canadian just like, like a pirate, pirate basically. This is a great way to describe it.

Yeah. And he would walk around the house. Like my dad would come home like after basketball practice and just see his dad listening to a record of some opera walking around the living room, sobbing crying, just weeping and eating onions. Oh, okay. Well, the onion part. I don't know why that detail is in there.

He would like eat onions whole. He would like carve him and have a flight's crying. Yeah, he's just eating an onion. But no, my dad would be like, yeah, he'd come home and his father would just be like weeping, listen to opera. and to this day, I don't know why, music is the only thing that makes me cry. Yeah.

Like, I watched sad movies, of course, Coco, whatever. But I was, I lost it on the plane watching Coco, and I was flying to London, and the British flight attendant came out who was gay. He was like, I've got to be the sniff that you want to get yourself up with the back. But I was losing it. Like, I lost a family member. I was losing it.

It is a heartbreaking film. It genuinely is one of the saddest movies I've ever seen. Cried the whole time. What did you think of Tosca when Maria, she has to decide between. That's the thing. I get emotional. I'm watching it and I don't really understand everything that's happening.

Do you understand contextually why that is so significant that performance? I thought it was brilliant and beautiful, but I don't get why it's the greatest. Maria at that time, so Maria, sorry, really fast forward three minutes. Maria was, you know, look, really tough life. Born in America, moved back to Greece, her family's Greek, during the war. You know, there's a lot of rumors that maybe there was some sort of, soliciting of her body to sort of keep their family alive. But then she became a great opera singer, study with the Spanish opera singer, and then a French opera singer. And then slowly made her way

up in Italy, but she had a very different type of voice, but she could do anything with the voice. So she was extremely controversial. Half the audience would clap, the other would throw radishes at her. Wait what? Because she has what they call one grande voce, which is like a big ugly voice. So she wasn't like the pretty lyric soprano. She was like this haunting, big sounding, Sulfheric tone, but she was so expressive that people became obsessed with her. Anyhow, at that time, she built herself up all the way to be in the world's greatest opera stars singing any opera house. She's a fashion icon now.

She leaves her marriage with this guy Menigini, who's an old fart, right? She leaves him, has an affair with Onassis, and then desperately wants Onassis to marry her, to start a life with him, but of course, he's like, you know, a piece of shit. What happened is she got pregnant by Onasus, and he said, you pick me or the baby. So she had an abortion, and then he married Jacqueline Kennedy behind her back. What? So then Maria returned to opera to do Toska, which is literally an opera singer, singing about, do I pick my art or do I pick love?

So when she's singing Visitarte, I lived for art, right? And she's an opera singer. She's literally singing about her life. So it's the most meta you could possibly get. And so when she's killing that guy, and she's supposed to singing, moreta more but she's singing I mean she's re-playing her

real life on stage so if you go back and watch that scene where she stabs her she's screaming morta and she can barely hold the knife over because she wants to do it again she's reliving her life so that is why that performance is so powerful

wow and when she did Tosca because she hadn't been on stage in like seven years when there's a recording of it when she walked out on stage just walked out on stage at the Metropolitan Opera, five-minute standing ovation. She literally, I can play it for you. She walks out, just walks out.

Everyone's five-minute standing. She changed opera. She's the Michelangelo of opera. That's what she is. She changed how we view it, hear it, approach it, everything. Did people with her type of voice after that, like after her, were they more embraced into the opera? Everyone's trying to relive and be Maria Callas,

but there's a certain tonal quality in her voice that no one else has ever had. And it's like a piercing sound. Like the high notes are real piercing and sometimes shrill. And the lower tones are bottled. So she had a full with her low tones. But she could do,

they call her a spogata, which is like you could do anything with the voice. So she can sing any role. And they revived 100-year-old operas for her. She was the only singer that could do it. Wow. She's like the Shakira of that time. She's the Shakira.

She's the J-Lo. Let's get loud Did the audience know? Yes So it was like news at the time Well they didn't know about the abortion They didn't know about that But they knew about Onassis

They knew about They knew you know The gays Of course they know Osser was gay back then Opper's always been kind of gay Look at it Zeprelli did that production

Well to me Like skinny jeans are gay Like everything's kind of gay to me I want to I'm glad Skinny jeans are out It was too much It's even too gay for you It was too

But I mean I just look now it's so funny like that five years ago people wearing skinny jeans and now they're they just don't yeah yeah yeah I guess it makes sense I don't know like I don't know that guy kind of had a long run but do you feel like it's too bad you know uh no I like the look I think it's cute this way well I'm more than you when I was a middle school that was the look yeah isn't that kind of fun how the pendulum switch I'm literally looking at kids like did I just go back in time like what like you know but I guess that's the look yeah I literally I walked out with an outfit today and people like all the guys

in the studio, like, why are you dressed like Jamiriqui? Like, I was just like Jamiriquii. I was literally dressed like thought of Jamirquai. Shunky shoes. Like that video where like the gray walls kind of move. Yeah, yeah. Music video is just to be so cool and now it's just

so blazee. Yeah, I'm curious we like, I actually just had a conversation with this guy, Director X. He like made every great music video ever. Like he's genuinely like one of the greatest music video directors. Well, you're straight. So what, like, did he do single ladies? Did he do telephone? He did booty licious.

Okay. Okay. Work. That counts. Yeah. Okay. Anything of Beyonce counts. Okay. You're in. Yeah. He's,

but he's like a genius. And he was like, yeah, back in the day, music videos had like a hold. Like, you would do it and drop it and everyone would be like, did you see the music video though? And like, the music video had the chance to make the song go crazy. Whereas now it's more accessible, more people can do it, but it doesn't have the same. Well, now music videos are cheaper, but they look very pretty. So music video is like, we can get the lighting and like the sort of digital camera.

And so, like, we have the look down. But, I mean, I think the last person, to make a music video, an event, was Lady Gaga. Hmm. I think her first album was, like, I remember when telephone was coming out with Beyonce, that was a legitimate event, at least for the days. You know it's so funny about this? It was, Lady Gaga was the very first concert I ever went to.

Really? Yeah. You're such a, like, in so many ways. Like, I don't even understand, like, what? You have no idea. I was raised gay. I don't think you know this. You were!

What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick because I need to tell you about one of my favorite new products in 2024. It's called Zippix. Yes, Zipix is a nicotine-infused toothpick. Now, if you know me, you know I like to indulge in nicotine from time to time, okay? That's true. I don't like to smoke it. I don't like to vape it.

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is an addictive chemical. Zipmore smoke less with Zippix, nicotine toothpicks. Now let's get back to the show. John Malaney has this joke where he's like, and this is not just me pandering, okay, but it kind of is. John Malaney has this joke where he's like I was supposed to be gay and then God forgot to flip the switch when I went out. And sometimes I do feel

that. I was raised... Do you have gay tendencies? I mean, I'm wearing a French soccer gym. Is this where you come out right now? You come out as like buy pan. Well, I like hanging out with dudes, like talking to dudes. The only thing I'd really... There's a difference between liking to hang out with guys

and having a sexual attraction to guys. Yeah, that's where it falls apart from me. Then you're not. Yeah, I know. I like having sex with women. One woman, specifically. There are gay guys that have had sex with more women than I have. Yeah, but that, you know...

I'm a woman away from gay. I'm pretty close. You know what I mean? How many women have you had sex with? My wife, that's my point. Oh, you just had sex with her since I was like 17 That's pretty gay I say my point Maybe you're more of a lesbian

I mean you guys you hauled at ASAP I wear flannes all the time I have my hair looks like Rea Perlman You're dating Danny Debuto Literally dude Yeah it's a bizarre thing but I was raised only with women My dad loves to listen like electronic dance music So my dad

This is the crazy We have a lot to discuss I mean evidently I thought it was just the hair No, no, no, my dad is So my dad's a French-Canadian guy Okay, love Celine Dion. Oh, thank you so much!

I did a Celine Dion impression on my podcast and everyone thought I made her sound Mexican But then all the French Canadians came out and said No, this is actually one of the most perfect French-Canadian accents we've ever heard Yes, like my dad's French-Canadian accent kind of went away Because French, in France, it's a different,

They're talking like this, no? But it's French-Canadian because they talk so so, pap, pap, pap, pap, ma'ap, ma'ap, a monstacato. And that's a little more Mexican. But it is a little like kind of like a wine, there's a whininess. It's a, yeah, it's more nasally. A staccastic sort of nasally whininess. It's kind of fun.

But my dad, his accent only comes out when he says certain words. Right. So like he'll just be talking like this and then he'll like yell my sister's name. Be like, Emily! We're like, what? It just randomly flies out. But like he was like French Canadian. guy moved to South Florida and then moves to

Orlando works in Paris nonstop. So every single morning I wake up, six in the morning to go to school, ever since I was a young kid, just playing cascade, just like electronic dance music in the house, like deep house, like deep cut. And then he would just like work out, like in the yard, like shirtless and just like, and then hang up by the pool. Is he very machismo?

Because machismo men tend to be super gay. Not like gay, you know what I'm saying, but like like the Italian, the Greeks. He's not really machismo. He's sort of like Europe. But that's what I'm saying. There's like a machismo, like in Spain, Greece, Italy. You know, like these like hyper machismo men,

but then they end up just looking like a Zara ad. It's kind of, it's kind of that. Like he'll wear like, like, like, sort of like floral, like, like shirts with like his initials in the cuff. And like he'll always have it like kind of open. He wears a moo-moo. He wears a house coat. Exactly.

No, it's like he loves his robe. He wears his robe every single day and then goes to clothes. I'm not a robe guy. Really? I said it. My ex-loved robes. I see the robe. The only time I wear a robe when I'm at a hotel as if, like, I'm in my underwear and I want to do room service, I just throw a robe on to get the right.

But, like, I just, I don't know that I. Feels like a hassle to me. That was my whole thing with the robe. I just don't get it. Yeah. I'm not in lerv. I'd rather just throw shorts on and then just kind of like be leather. I'm a shorts guy and no shirt.

Yeah, exactly. But the whole robe thing seemed like a whole to do. I don't know. I don't know. I guess I would like it open and then I feel like Magneto or something like this big long cape or something That's how I always felt

Then you sit down, you sit on it, it pulls you back Yeah, and it does, and then like it's too tight Try to eat breakfast, your sleeves or get, It's like a whole, I'm completely with you We sound like such assholes. I hate robes and nice hotels. No, I mean, I think everyone can get on board with this. I think most people are not doing robes.

I think robes is a quality of the 1% I agree. Yeah, it's pretentious a robe. Yeah. Unlike us, working class guys. You know what I mean? We're just union dudes. It was so funny.

I've been doing standard for 15 years. It was the only past few years anyone's bought tickets. So I'm now like rushing to enjoy the things that like a nice hotel. Yeah. I spend my money on nice hotels on the road. Worth it. You're going to spend a lot of time sleeping. Yeah.

And I want to like feel good for the show and not feel like that dread where you're like going back to like the comedy condo or like a quinta inn or something. I think it's a reasonable expense. Anytime someone tells me like they spend a lot of money on like a hotel or like a bed. If you're like, oh yeah, I spend like $4,000 on a bed. I'm like, that's a lot of money on a bed? Worth it. On a bed? Cut corners

everywhere else, don't spend money in anything, buy a nice bed. I don't know. That sounds... We're going to spend a quarter your life on it. I've got a Casper. It is very nice. It's very comfortable. But four grand, I'm not, that's, I've heard expensive beds. I also have a full bed.

My apartment's so small. You have a full bed? Do you both sleep in a full? Yeah, we sleep like squirrels. No, you can't do this. I'm, that's what we're doing. Why? It's kind of nice. He's warm and I can lean on him, except lately he's been, like, breathing heavily.

And it's so annoying. It's like, you either snore or you don't. I'd almost prefer snoring because the, like, just snore. And I know if he turns on his side, it's better. But he likes to sleep on his back, like an old Japanese man. You can't do that? So I'm like, can you move to your side? So you have to, like, push him.

No, I don't want to. Sleeping on your back is a red flag. I don't like I sleep on my side Of course, like a regular person Sleep on your back, that's like a vampire Like it's like you're dying in a movie Yeah, it is There's like a dark energy about that

I'd rather he sleeps upside down in the closet Like I don't want him to be like laying on your back Like I'd rather you sleep standing up like a horse Hovering over me in the bed than just snore I'd literally rather sleep next to tarantial Than someone that snores But yeah no that's yeah it's Jamie the worst But you know what he could use?

Mouth tape Have you heard of this? like you tape his mouth I kill my husband in the middle of the night because he snores Morta Morta!

Yeah, it's a mouth tape There's one called hostage tape This is not a plug But this is just me I use it I use it sometimes But literally it's like a small piece of tape You put on your mouth

And it helps to increase like airway into your nose They also have like little like nose trips Apparently it helps to sleep I'd rather him just sleep on his side Then have to tape his mouth shut Well you don't do it You don't do while he's sleeping

You tell him like, hey, this will help you sleep. The only way I could get my point across. Exactly, it wakes up. Yeah. I've been whooping lately. This helps me sleep so much. I didn't think it would actually work. Like, this is, have you heard of this?

Okay, Mateo, please. This is going to be good for you. Is it like measures your sleep? Yeah, literally. It's like, it tells you how many hours you've been sleeping. But how does that change anything? You just review your sleep from the night before. It's not like you can make notes and edits.

It's when you sleep, you're just sleeping. But I lie to myself and think, oh, I slept like eight hours last night. And then I checked the thing. And it's like, oh, you slept like five. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Now, how does, here's the thing. I am, here's how I sleep. When I sleep, the second my head goes on the pillow, I'm out.

Oh, really? Out. You don't have to do any, like, breathing thing? No. Wow. That's actually, that's pretty good. Just out. And then I'll wake up once every night to go pee.

Every, no matter what. Every night. I have to pee every night. I have to pee all the time. Are you even awake? Or are you just like, I'm awake. I'm like, oh, God, damn it. And then I go, I wake up, I pee, go back to bed, out.

Do you have pets? No. See, this is the weird thing of having a cat. For whatever reason, every time we wake up, and I go pee in the night, the cat follows us. The cat also wakes up for no reason and follows us to make sure, like, we're good. What's your cat's name? Tika. That's kind of cute.

That's like a Pokemon name. Yeah, exactly. That's the name for, like, girls in Costa Rica. Is your wife Latina? She's a quarter. Same. Her abuelitas. like fully Costa Rican. And so

Ticas, Ticos. So we're like, all right, Tika, that's a cute name. But there's a cat. Don't even get me started. I'm over. But I'm not a cat guy because I'm allergic to cats. Are you really? Yeah. Consider yourself lucky. I woke up to this. I came back from the gym today. I go into the apartment. I look at my bed. This is going to kind of gross you out. This is what

I find in my bed. What is that? Vomit. The cat threw up in my bed. Oh. And then I go downstairs. I clean up the sheets. I'm like rushing to get over here. And the cat is Like just looking at me like, filing its nails. Literally wants a treat.

I was like, you motherfucker. Why did it throw up? I don't know. No, I don't want pets. Eating disorder. I don't know. I think I want it. The cat's going through something.

I want, when I get enough space, I want like a gray pit bull. Really? Why pit bull? I grew up with pit bulls. Did you really? Yeah, I'm obsessed with pit bulls. Can you help me? Sure.

I have a bit of, I have a small prejudice against pit bulls. Okay. They scare me. Okay. I see a pit bull out in the wild. I'm just like, Have you hung out with them? Yeah, there was some of my neighborhood.

There was some of my neighborhood. My brother-in-law had a pit bull, the sweetest dog ever. I love this dog, Penny, just an angel. But then I had neighbors across street that had pit bulls that were like, kind of bad. I do think that pit bulls are very intelligent and they're very loyal. And so I think it just is sort of like how they're raised. And so I think they get a bad reputation because a lot of people are abusing pit bulls for the wrong reasons, whether it's fighting. They're not raising them well.

And so it's not the dog's fault. I mean, if you raised a bunch of chihuahuas the same way, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, but Chihuahua's don't have back muscles like that. But like German Shepherds, German Shepherds aren't used for fighting. They're used for like sniffing and, like, police dogs. They get a better rep. But they're not any less dangerous than a pit bull. That's a good point, actually.

Yeah, German Shepherds in my mind have a good rep because, like, they have jobs. They do have jobs. They're employed. You know what I mean? You see a German shepherd. You're like, this is a union, you know, he's part of the cops. Yeah, he's punching in. Exactly.

And pit bulls are sort of viewed as like, I don't know, mini sharks. Yeah, exactly. I look at a pibble. I'm like, yo, get a job. But my sister's pippole, he's a big gray pit bull. His name is Gus. You can do anything. You can pull his skin.

You do every one. He just do, do, do, do. And when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I was so sad and I was staying at my sister's house. And he could kind of pick up on it. And so he just spooned with me every night. Really? Yeah, I was wake up every morning, just hugging Gus. A snuggler.

Yeah. I love it. I love Gus. I love kissing his face. Yeah, Gus seems like an angel. My mom had a dog named Tonka who just passed away, and she was just an angel. She was a pipple. She had a little pink collar. She never barked, never growled. All she wanted to do was follow my mom around.

So no matter where my mom went, Tonka was there. And my mom would garden. Tonka just follows her around. She was so sweet. We really don't deserve dogs. It's like, they're such a treat. My dad... Well, we bred them to be like that.

I mean, it's like, we're like dogs are so cute. that was a... They bred themselves. Hey, I was sure. I talked to an anthropologist. I talked to them about this, and they were like, dogs, there's some research to suggest that some of them kind of like self-domesticated. This anthropologist sounds like a complete asshole.

They wanted to be chihuahas. I know nothing about anthropology besides the store that's at every single mall. And I'll tell you right now. That's what I was talking to, actually. I was talking to a cashier at that store. It takes a long time to breathe, because you have to breathe based off genes. So, like, if the genes, like, it's like a Pokemon. Like, they did this study with a bunch of, like, fox, I think, and, like, the most aggressive and least aggressive.

And as you breed, they start to change based off their aggression behaviors. Oh, wow. Which a human had to do that, not like a bunch of, you know, wild dogs are walking around each other. Like, you seem nice. We make a great house dog. No, no, no. Maybe it's a big plot with wolves. They were like, I'm so sick of living out here.

What can we do to get inside those homes? Yes, exactly. Let's look cuter. All right, who's the nicest out of the group? You two. fuck. No, no, no, that's fair. Humans definitely had a hand in this. Don't get me wrong. No pun intended. But, which actually,

this is the thing I didn't realize, my brother-in-law breeds dogs. So, like, he like... Your life is more interesting every time. Dude, it's bizarre. I talk to you. So first, he was breeding finches. So he's a Mexican dude, and they love... He loves finches. He, like, grew up with, like... I think, yeah, I think they're finches. The ones with the little haircut...

He's like the closest thing to a Pokemon trainer. Literally. It's insane. It's like the little, like... The ones with the haircut. Do you know what ones I'm talking about? The dogs? No, no, the birds. The birds, okay.

I think they have like bangs. They're hilarious. French. That's got fringe. Love these. They're French and they're French. He breeds them and you breed the birds and then he started breeding dogs. And I didn't realize that when you breed dogs sometimes you have to like assist.

Have you heard of this? No, I promise you that this is not in my Google search. This is unreal. Because I would meet these dudes that like, sometimes it's like tough like hood dudes. They grew up in like a bad neighborhood and they're like, yo, I breed like pocket bullies. Like, I'll breed bulldogs. Is that like Polly Pocket? It's similar.

Mighty Max? It's almost the same thing. And they'd be like, yeah, you know, like I'll breed these dogs. Like I'm like a tough dude and I breed pit bulls. But then you look at how they have to breed them. If they're not mating, they have to like jerk off the dog. This is unbelievable. Like they have to like either assist the dog penis.

Have they tried like laying out. flowers and some chocolate covered strawberries. Some Marvin Gay. Aphrodisiac. Yeah, exactly. Something? Oh, the indignity. They have to line it up. And then if that doesn't work, they have to like artificially inseminate. And so you'll meet, if you ever meet a dude that's like, yo, what's so a fucker? Like, I breed dogs. I'm a tough dude. Just like, my friend Mark said that you

jacked them off. I'm sure that'll go over well. No, they'll be like, wait, you also do it? You also breed dogs? Like, you guys will have so much in common. Well, I'm not into puppy play, but. Thanks. It is a bizarre, like, sub thing where, like, they have to, like, like, subculture, they literally are jerking off. I like how you to specify subculture because a sub means something very different in the gay world. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah, no, the sub in the gay world is a completely different vibe. What exactly is that? Submissive. Do people, I saw in your advice special, there was a guy that was, like, I only bought him. Right. And he wanted his part or, like, top. Right.

And he was in the show with him. Like they were next to each other. Oh, I think he said, I want to bottom, but my partner only wants me to top. How do I let him know that I want to bottom? It seemed like. And I said, have you thought about just sticking your ass in his face? Yeah. Those shows I do.

I mean, they're really, I do these advice specials. They're on YouTube. It basically is just sort of pat out content. I have a lot of fun with it. And to like it my next special. like to let me put my next material online and I did it as like a just a kind of let's just see how this goes and It's so fun it's like crowd work, but it's more bit oriented because they're asking me the questions So I'm not like asking anybody like I'm not like what are you wearing what do you for work like I'm not I just have them ask me the questions and then like bits kind of fly out of it. It's almost like free-form writing has anyone pitched you something or asked for advice that you're like this is really funny

but I can't include this. There's been a bunch of stuff that you can't include. Really? Yeah. Are you able to give a vague description of what it would be? I can't think off the top of my head right now.

One of them was like for a work thing like somebody like had like a really specific job and they didn't want to be seen or whatever. Like I think they worked for like an airline or something. Nothing too crazy or controversial. But it's a room full of usually gays. So they've got fun stories. Yeah.

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It could be better. It can always be better. Let's say you're in the 1% and you're about to be in the 0.01% with Bluatu. Let's get back to the show. Can I ask you some advice questions? Yeah, go ahead. I pulled these off of Reddit. And I figured if there's anyone that couldn't give me good advice.

You just asked on Reddit for advice questions for me? Even better, I just found them. I've never been on Reddit and I'm way too afraid to go on. Don't go. That's not a place for you. Yeah. This is a dangerous place that I don't think you would enjoy that. I'd rather go hang out with the breeder. Yeah. I think you guys would have a fun chat.

Okay, this is one that a friend of mine found. It's pretty wild. So we just found these on the advice subreddit. This morning I opened up my boyfriend's photo app and saw in his favorites album. Is this a girl? This is a girl. Okay. But I wonder if it's,

changes if it's a guy actually. We can do that as well. I opened my boyfriend's photo app and saw his favorites album was a video of his ex-girlfriend giving him a blowjob. He had two things saved in his favorites album, a selfie of himself and that video. I've never seen it before and the date was from 2020, so it was from a while ago. I didn't delete it. I just unfavorated it. It made me feel gross. He's unemployed right now and I'm taking care of everything for him at the moment. So finding this breaks my heart. What should I do? Not go through your boyfriend's phone? See, let's go. Talk about telling everybody that you've got major trust issues.

Mm-hmm. Talks. Why is she going through his phone? Yeah, it's literally, she says, I opened his photo app. So maybe she was like... No, she was digging. Looking for something, right? And she found something, and then no matter what explanation he gives to her,

he has no credibility because she's decided already what the story is. That's why you can't go through people's private things, because you have no idea. Even if it's a video of him getting a blowjob, you don't. know if he favored it and completely forgot about it. It doesn't matter. Everyone still has their own business, I think. If he's not

messaging her, which I'm sure she went through his messages, and this is all the evidence that she could find, you know, it's like you got to let people still be themselves. Question, though, if you have photos of an X, or like intimate, you know, experiences with an X, once you break up, should you delete those?

I mean, I have, of mine, but I didn't delete that. I just forget that they're there. I have like 9,000. photos. That's what I'm saying. I think even my husband saw photos of my ex, like on my iPad, because everything goes to my iPad. And he didn't really have it. I mean, he gets like, yeah, that was another time in my life. If I have to go through and delete every single photo, that's exhausting. Also, being naked and being gay and sending those photos, I mean, it's like eating a bacon, egg, and cheese. I mean, it's just so common. It's like, yeah, you know.

So I guess it's less for the gay world. Not that, you know, I don't know. I think if she was, if found him like sexting her that's one thing yeah well if it was a recent sex of course that's infidelity but it's from four years ago yeah and apparently before they were together so get off his phone

get over it do you even bring it up to him would you even bring it up and be like hey I saw this thing like no because I mean she's risking saying that she's going through his phone and he's going to be like that's a major trust issue should be like but this this and I mean this sounds like the relationship's not going great

Yeah, right? Once you're going through someone's phone. It's bad. Yeah. Yeah, you're kind of on the rocks. Yeah. Has your phone ever gone through back in the day? No.

There you go. I don't know. To me, that seems like a major red flag. They're like flicking through things and searching for stuff. So it's like if you're searching for stuff, you're going to find something. You're going to find a group chat. But also like at that point, just say, you know what? I'm feeling like we're having major trust issues and I think we should work on it.

Just go directly to the problem. Yeah. But I think relationships are weird. Sometimes you want to protect other people's feelings, but you have your own insecurities, and then you're embarrassed to tell your insecurities because you want to present a certain image of somebody. And so I think it ultimately just comes down to, like,

what are you projecting versus what you actually are? Yeah. And so I think you're just better off being who you actually are for that person, and then that way you probably have less insecurity. I had a friend that had, he was with this girl, they were kind of hooking up, had nude photos of her, and that, like, she had sent him that they'd taken to get him, whatever and then they broke up years later she passes away and he was like saw the

photos again he was like what do I do with these he said it's like I have nudes from an ex that passed away I do it's so morbid but also I do weird what's like no but like I delete these no but I mean now I mean he committed suicide so I've got I know it was horrible the whole thing was not when we were dating can you imagine it's like that would be like Blaming me. No, we were broken up by them. But I look at them now as like, it's a nice memory.

That was something that we shared with each other and had a good time with each other. And so, no, I don't have regrets. Damn. I don't have really any nude photographs of myself, I'll be honest. None? You should take them now. Because things are going to change. I feel like you're looking good.

You should probably take some pictures and then just for yourself. Should I do like a boudoir shoot? No, that's it. They're not George Costanza. I think that's a little embarrassing. I think that'd be kind of nice. I think just like a nice nude photo and like a mirror.

I don't know. It just feels so weird. Well, because you've been dating the same person since you're, you know, 12. Yeah, exactly. There's nothing to show. Well, I mean, news are usually for, like, flaunting to other people or trying to get attention. But you should just document what you look like now. I mean...

Just to show my kids one day. I don't know. When you're 40, you might not have a nice ass. So you want to, like, document that, like, you did. Yeah, there was something going for me. point. Yeah, that's a good point. Maybe I'm going to save all of them and then in the event that I die, I'm just going to automatically upload all of them to OnlyFans and then use that to pay for my funeral. It's just going to go straight there. Well, I don't know what this plan is.

This is genius. You should talk to your business manager about this plan. It seems incredibly strange. Make a lot of money. Right when I pass away. Everything goes on the cloud. That's kind of a great idea, actually. It's sort of genius. Yeah, maybe I'll do the same. Okay, here's another one. Is it wrong that I no longer want to date people who engage in a specific hobby. I've dated multiple people who have had the same particular hobby and every single time those people end up all having the same character flaws or issues within their relationship or their own lives.

It's to the point where I want to cross off anyone who's really into said hobby just to avoid repeating history. What's the hobby? It's video games. Is that what they said? I was like, is it meth or is it gardening? No, it's video games. Is this a girl? I don't know. It's non-descript.

So this person thinks that people who play video games All have the same character flogs. Yeah, yes, of course. I play a lot of video games. And do you feel like you have substantial character flons? Of course, I'm a comedian.

Okay, that's fair. What is this? That are similar to other video game players? No, but I will say that people that don't play video games underestimate what video games can bring to people. So for me, I play video games because it's a hang. It's a way I can decompress. It's a way that I don't have to focus on my insane schedule.

All I have to worry about is what I'm shooting right now. and it's a lot of fun. And I also think that people undervalue video games by not understanding the amount of work and artistry that goes into it. It is so, if you actually sat with a video game artist and had to realize what they have to go through to create the look.

It's unbelievable. And the amount of testing that they had to do. Skyroom? Did you play Sky Room? I never played Sky Room. I know obviously SkyRum. It's unbelievable. But even like Breath of the Wild. Yeah. It's insane.

To like to figure that game out. But I think the outsider looks at it is sort of like, I don't know, you're playing bad minton or something. Like, it's, there's a lot that goes into video games. And I think if someone was reading a book for five hours, you know, it's like, oh, well, they're reading a book. It's like, I don't know. To me, no, if video games, if you're doing it 12 hours a day and you're losing track of work and you're eating like shit. Your name might be Mateo Laine. You might be me during the pandemic.

But I don't think that if it's just casual video game playing, I think that's fine. I just think it sounds like sometimes people in relationships have a really hard time handling people, other people's independence. In other words, there are times where you don't have to do everything as a couple. I think if you're a couple, two doesn't become one, you're still two, and you just work together. And sometimes people need time to decompress and be alone and play video games. And if it's every single day, then you can make compromises with each other and say, you know, can you. You play Monday, Wednesday, and then Tuesday, Thursday, we can have our nights together. That might make more sense.

But are there personality traits with people that play video games? No, because I play video games and my friend Donnie play video games, and we couldn't be more opposite. Except good hand-eye coordination. Apparently people that play video games. Good hand-eye coordination. Better dexterity. Really? I probably do.

Yeah, I've heard that. Like, I think they did a, there's like a surgeon study. Except for my friend, Nick. He's been playing Fortnite for four years and he's still just as bad. Offers nothing. I feel like he just builds the whole time He can't build at all This is a beautiful front

No he can't build at all Not only can he not build He doesn't know how to edit So editing is like one of the first When you build him for it Now you put up a wall And then you can edit So there's like 12 blocks

Right or three three Yeah So then you can like Edit like a door open Or a window open So you can go through And then re-edit it close It's the most basic

And fundamentals of the game Right Nick just walks up to the wall Knocks it down And then rebuilds a new wall And then every time He gets fucked up in like an end game

because he's like, I'm the wall. We're like, well, you just didn't learn how to edit, you idiot. I'm not learning. He won't learn. So you're not going to be good. He's insufferable. We constantly tell him Nick, you're the worst player we've ever played with. He's like, no reaction. Boy, is he on your team when you play? Are you playing against him? Yeah, it's me, him, my friend Donnie and Simmer.

And Nick just dies first. Nick just runs head into bad. You know what he is? Really good at sniping. Oh, really? For some reason, he's a great sniper. He'll be like, got him. headshot 140 and we're like what but then he's useless everywhere else

useless so you just got to put him up somewhere you can't like sneak around with him his character is a secretary and she's got heels and a pencil skirt and she just was running forward with an AK 47 we're like Nick we're hiding in the bush I'm gonna go find someone and do what you can't even fight them yeah it sounds

like while he's running oh that's hilarious and he just can't sneak for anything just no he's not good at my friend Jacob is really good at sneaking. Him and I love sort of like sneaking through the game

to see if we can make it to the top two. See, this is why you would love Skyrim. No, I do like Skyrim, but Skyrim's too, you know what it is? I'm losing time to have like that many hours

of dedication to video games where Fortnite's like a pick-up game. Yeah, exactly. Like I can just play five, six rounds with each other and then call it a night. Did you play the new Zelda? Tears of the Kingdom.

I didn't like it. I didn't like it either. I've been watching so many videos about why other people hate it. First it came out and they're like, oh my God, it's better than Breath of the Wild. Oh my God. But I was like, Jeku's. Like, I'm already upset that we're on the same world because the whole point of Breath of the Wild was about discovery, about being alone, about what's at that mountain. Can I reach that thing? Can I, like, it was so addictive just to play. Like, you could spend hours just on a mountain discovering stuff. That was the whole thing of

the game. Big things and little things. Where Tears of the Kingdom is the same map and whatever story. Worst map, I think. I think it's harder to navigate. It's harder to get to things. And there's nothing in the sky. There's nothing in the sky and there's nothing in the downworld. The down world, yeah. Right.

The down world's the same biome for the entire thing. There's this like reskinned bad guys. It really was disappointing because we waited six years and this is the best that they could do. And it kind of dilutes the greatness of breath of the wild a little bit. A little bit because it's like, ugh. I think I'll replay Breath of the Wild I played it twice through and I got all the shrines

I'll probably play it again I'll wait 10 years and play it again I don't think the new one's gonna take away from the old one I had something about it devalued it for me it's like when there's a bad sequel you kind of and you're like

and you're like ugh why did you do this just leave the first one as it is the first one you're like we waited six years for that that and it came out like the sky world there's like a bunch of empty rocks

Yeah. And I get that the mechanics are like, you know, you can build stuff, but... And floating the things and all those hours schedule. But I don't want to spend 40 fucking minutes building something that barely works to roll. No. This is so the antithesis of Zelda for me. Yeah, yeah. It just felt like I would spend an hour and a half and accomplish nothing. It didn't elevate the game in any way. It's like if I wanted to feel like I was doing nothing with my life, I would just be alive. Yeah, I just sit in the couch quietly.

Yeah, I'm using this game to feel like I'm going to. Which apparently this person prefers. Yeah, exactly. Just silence. I would write back and say, Tears of the Kingdom is not great. Oh, we have so much time. Okay.

Okay. Here's one for you. Question. Yes. Tired of women in gay bars, even when it's something like underwear night. So I was at a local gay bar last night, and they did an underwear night once a week.

Lately women have started showing up and also stripped down to their bra and underwear. As you can imagine, as a gay guy, I don't want some half-naked woman dancing up next to me. I've heard a lot of other guys weirded out by this, too. The place plays porn, too, so you would think you would keep them out,

but no, every gay place is just supposed to cater to these intruders, sick of it. He sounds misogynistic. Here's the thing. I understand there are certain types of people, and women have been known to do this, to sort of tokenize gay men.

And so they go to gay bars, and I heard this for myself. When I was 20, am I going to the gay bars, and women saying, you know, we just didn't want to be around any men tonight. Yeah. I remember you told me that. You know, and you're just like,

oh, like you view us as like a petting zoo. Like you think that we are That we are Tomogatchi Yeah essentially So but then there are other women Who are also fucking gay You know

Or maybe they're bi or maybe they're non-binary Maybe they're trans or whatever And feel safer in a queer space And that's how they want to express themselves And everyone should be welcomed I just think to like point out To like these like cis straight women And be like

Ew gross go away you're a woman like you're a part of the problem. There's nothing wrong with a cis straight woman coming and expressing herself in a gay bar. Can you imagine being gay going into any straight bar and them saying that to you? You're disgusting. Get out of here. You're gay. Leave us alone. No. But I mean, look, that's how we first met. And I just want to say we've really made up from it. I do apologize. But I just think, yes, I understand that maybe there are a certain type of woman who would come to a gay bar and treat gay as like a They tokenize them and they don't treat them like real people.

And that's a very patronizing way to approach somebody because of their sexuality. And someone might be there to express themselves sexually or, you know, whatever. But if that's not who you are, that aside, and you are a cis straight woman and you want to come express yourself, go ahead. I wonder if there's like a younger gay guy that's like, finally, I found my thing. It sounds like, yeah, it sounds young. Sounds like they've been, they've, I just drop my wedding ring. They've been dealing. You start thinking about Gayboard.

They're like, fuck this thing. Fuck this. Let's go to the bars. Gay bars are so stressful. Yeah, I would say like, it sounds like a younger, younger, younger or older maybe. Get these fucking women out of here. God damn it. That's funny.

Okay. This is the last one that I'll ask you from this little series here. All right. And this is, this is not really. advice but I'm curious what you think of it okay this is the thing that we did in a philosophy class my advice isn't being that funny I'm much funnier in my advice specials I just realized my tail don't even worry about being funny we know you're funny okay the stress okay we know you're funny

you're worth it thank you good enough but seriously pick it up though this is a thing that we did in a in a philosophy class or basically it is a story and then you have to rank who is the best person and who is the worst person based off of their behavior in the story. Are you ready? Yes. Don't be so enthusiastic, okay? There's a woman named Abigail.

She was in love to the name. The worst. Okay, just because her name's Abby? Yeah, I said what I said. She's in love with the guy named Gregory. Gregory lived on the shore of a river. Abigail lived on the opposite shore of the same river.

The river... So across from each other from the river. Exactly. Okay. The river that separates them is teeming with dangerous alligators. Abigail wants to cross the river to be with Gregory Unfortunately the bridge had been washed out by a heavy flood from the previous week

This is a problem, right? So far everyone's said it Where are we? Are we in the village? Like are we in Amni-Shammons the village? They're like, oh boy, are we in the Oregon Trail? Let's just say this is like Is this little house on the prairie? This is feudal England, okay? Let's just say that What's his name? Edward? Gregory. Gregory. Gregory. Gregory! want to see you today Gregory. However, the gaiters. Abigail, I miss you so much, Abigail.

Unfortunately, the bridge had been washed away by heavy floods, so she went to ask Sinbad. Sinbad's in this now? A prominent comedian from the 80s. No, she went to go as Sinbad, a riverboat captain, to take her across the river. He said he would

be glad if she would consent to have sex with him prior to the voyage. She promptly refused and went to a friend named Ivan to explain her plight. Ivan did not want to get involved at all in the situation. Abigail felt her only alternative was to accept Sinbad's terms. Why isn't Gregory making an effort?

Gregory doesn't know. He's across the river. He's just over there playing with... I was just over here. Wishing that this river wasn't full of alligators. It's like full of these big lizzes, you know, man. I've got my foot. I lost a foot from an alligator.

trying to get me bath. Exactly. His foot is all gone. He's bleeding out. He's just a bit bummed and the only person I can help him is Abigail. He's made me some toast. So Abigail fulfilled... No, Abigail sleeps with Simbad. Slipp.

Simbad fulfilled his promise to Abigail and delivered her to the arms of Gregory. When Abigail told Gregory about her amorous escapade to cross the river, Gregory cast her aside with disdain. Heart sick and rejected, Abigail turned to slug. with her tale of woe. Who's a fuck as Slug? He's a new guy over on Gregory.

There's a lot of people on this river. It's me, babe. Slug's on the other side of the river. He's on Gregory's side. Slug feeling compassion for Abigail, sought out Gregory and beat him up. Slug beat the shit out of Gregory. Abigail was overjoyed at the sight of Gregory,

getting his due. As the sun set on the horizon, people heard Abigail laughing at Gregory. So, tell me, who's the worst person? Is it Abigail? for sleeping someone?

It's probably sin bad. Is it sin bad for coercing this woman to have sex? Yeah, that sounds like kind of me-toeing. What about Ivan who heard about Abigail's whole problem

and did nothing to help? I forgot about Ivan. Gregory, for punishing her because she did what she had to do to go see him? I don't know if Gregory, I don't know if Gregory

or Abigail are the worst, but I think Gregory is also like, I was so nice to see you. And then she's like, well, I had to do all this to get over here. And he's like, I didn't ask you.

We could have white, it's for the crocodiles to leave or maybe we build a bridge together I believe communication would have been better is it a way you could have communicated to me what your needs were and then that way we'd be able to work together to be able to sit each other but you came out here of nowhere

I didn't know you were coming over and the introduction of you coming over here is by the way I had to shagg Sinbad to get over here so just letting you know just letting you know so maybe like Abigail you're not a great communicator, but I'm an innocent

bystander in this situation and now you've told me that you've stepped someone else and we're supposed to be in love. Can't you just fucking wait? And then he gets the shit beaten out of him? And then just he, but right? Yeah. When he casts her away, what does that mean? He basically is like, oh, you slag.

And then he's like, we're done. I'm over it with you. If my boyfriend came to me, we were long distance dating and I had no idea he was coming over. And then he surprised me. And he was like, I made it over here. I flew Lufth But I had to sleep with the captain to get over here. I'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Right? Can't you send a note? Can't you fly a note over? Take a different. I don't know. I'm not saying she's the bad guy. I understand that she wants something, but it sounds like she's sort of acting off her own selfishness.

I want this and I'm going to do what I kind of get to it, not communicate to him if he'd be okay if I did this. Yeah. Were they in a committed relationship? I think they were. they were in a committed relationship long distance Sinbad sounds like the worst though be like He could have easily taken her over

And he used her sex To get her over there Yeah there's no redeeming quality of Simbad I don't think There's no redeeming quality of any of them They're all pieces of shit But I go with Simbad's the worst Yeah Simbad's probably the worst And then Abigail's probably said

Do they have the list of who it is? This is the thing There's no answer Oh I thought there was gonna be an answer I was gonna be so pleased with myself If I was right Well basically they took a scale from like a bunch of different classes where people kind of ranked them and then they came up with like a group ranking.

Okay. So most people rank Sinbad as the worst. Yeah. They said this guy had no motive to be a good person. Right. People then rank Abigail really high as the worst. Yeah. Yeah.

Like she slept with this guy and then laughed at him when he was getting beat up. Like this is like her long-term boyfriend. Yeah, she really loved him. Which she seems like just a mess. I don't know that she's a bad guy, but she seems like the things that aren't going right in her life. Right? Yes. Abigail's going through something, I think.

And then Slug, they said, was pretty low. They were like Slug, like, just kind of was angry, heard about this thing, beat up a guy. Like, what he did wasn't right, but, you know, he's not the worst. And then most people put, uh, most people put Gregory kind of in the middle to, like, he cast this girl away, but also.

I just think he wasn't communicated to. I'm, again, if my boyfriend was flying over from, you know, Italy, in some imaginary world or London I guess right if he comes over from London and didn't tell me that he was coming over and then when he comes over says he blew the

the pilot just to get there I'd be like what? Why? Why would you do this? Yeah, it'd be kind of hurtful I feel like especially like you could have Because I love you I'm like well then you don't know how to love properly I would just shoot me an email Like we played Fortnite last night

We could text you could FaceTime I mean, I guess that's the problem is when you're on Little House on the Prairie. It's hard to get messages. But there's a... Why couldn't she find any other way to communicate to him? Yeah, there must have been another way. See, I've been watching a lot of Outlander. Which I genuinely...

I love that you had to bring this out. I genuinely think this is a show you would love. Is this like the Roman Empire thing? Better. How many straight guys think about the Roman Empire each day, week? How often do you think of the Roman Empire? I was actually just thinking about it. I kind of zoned out while you were talking, because I was thinking about Nero.

But you really think of it that? Often? It comes up more frequently than you would think. The Roman Empire thing does come up quite a lot. What is it about the Roman Empire that we're so fascinated by? There's a lot of documentation. We know a lot. I was going to say, it's probably of the ancient world the most known about because

it's honestly, it's the most recent. It's pretty recent. And it's also so well documented, and you could still go visit it. They did a lot. There's a lot of great buildings. The Coliseum is amazing. Well, I thought it was cool that the aqueducts. They had heated water.

They had like... It had so much technology. Yeah. And then on top of that, every time I see a fucking Italian, I'm like, ugh. It comes up. Every time I see a fucking walk around. There was no Italy back then. It was just Rome.

Same shit. Everything was Rome. The same thing. Everything in the Mediterranean from North Africa to parts of the Middle East to Spain and Italy were all just the same. Everything was just mixed. That's what I'm saying. Have I ever told you the hand talking thing? The gestures?

I might have told you this in Amsterdam, this theory that I heard. Oh, let's hear your theory. This is a good theory, okay? This is your theory or someone else's theory? Someone that works in anthropology, okay? I was talking to her. I was asking her about it, and she said, no, this is like a theory that people have floated.

I don't know if it's true or not. But basically, the reason why Italians are so hand gestory, they speak so much with their hands, is because Italy, even in the current day, is so disparate. There's so many different types of people, so many different dialects of Italian, and there's so much different people groups

all converging all in one major city Rome, which historically has always been this metropolis, during the Roman Empire, was the city of the world that you had all these different people, all speaking different dialects, and the best way to communicate was using their hands. Well, they do use their hand gestures.

Each hand gesture means something different. You know, this is what do you want? This is, I'm hungry. This is it tastes good. This also means it tastes good. This is gay. This is mafia in Sicily. This is crazy. This is together. This is perfect. This is forget about it.

This is fuck you. You know, yeah. Kind of make sense. I know, but it's weird that it's just Italy that kept on to it. I think you guys were the most metropolitan. Well, also, I think of being a peninsula, it's a closest thing to an island. It's a little isolated. Like, the mountains in the north, you're surrounded by sea, so the culture becomes more intense.

That's true. We're like, France had Spain to be like, it's enough. You know what I mean? Exactly. And the Germans were like, okay. Oh, the German. But there's also so many different cultures. Like, I think... Well, in the north of Italy, it's more your...

Even now, you can see it. Right. The north of Italy, people have blonde hair, blue eyes, but the south genetically is more Middle Eastern. It's more North African. So people are darker. They have darker eyes, different kind of hair, different skin, like different language, different food.

I mean, they eat cuss-cus, rice. You can still... Arab architecture is all over Sicily. Naples is Greek. Oh, really? That's a Greek. It came from the word Napules, which means... Napoli, Napules, which means a new city.

Oh, I didn't know that. So it's a Greek settlement. So Naples is more Greek. Sicily is more like Greek, Arab, French, Spanish. Like, it has a lot of different mixtures to it. Oh, interesting. But in Sicily, it's very interesting because you go there and the language is different. Not like an accent.

The language is different. Right. The people are different. The food is different. But the hand gesturing. The hand gesturing is like the same. There's some different hand gesturing. I know in Sicily, maybe they do it in northern Italy.

I don't know if they do or don't, but like when you get the Molokio, like the evil eye, men grab their left testicles to ward off the illness and women grab the left breasts. Oh, is that true? Have you ever done that? Maybe once or twice, yeah, like to get rid of the bat. Or you can like do that to the ground.

Oh, yeah, this one is. If you do that at someone, it curses them. Is that, that's fighting words? Like if you hit someone with that. The worst is going up like this. If you do this to someone like you're driving and trying, and you do this, someone it says someone else is fucking your wife.

That's what that means. Damn. Yeah, they're pretty intense. But you got to swing on someone. It's like they hit you with that. Yeah, I guess so. I don't, Italians, or you're just going to go missing. Yeah, swimming with the fish.

I know. But they still say Arabic phrases in fishing towns in Palermo, Sicily, to bring good luck for the fish. And I just watched a whole documentary on Palermo and the markets. It's an Arab culture is how they would specify. Yeah. Oh, that's so cool. It's the oldest market, food market in the world in Palermo.

And what type of Arab world? Do you know what the... I don't know what the fishing boat guys say, but I know in our dialect, in the Sicilian dialect, there's probably a mix of Arab and Spanish. Oh, that's so interesting. Yeah. So to me, the hand gesture thing, I think makes complete sense.

Yeah, I mean, that does make... You're trying to talk with some dude from Tunisia or, like, you know, Algeria or something. And you're trying to, like, yeah. And it's like, yo, the hand gesture. Where can we eat? Yada yada. Makes sense. That makes sense.

How did they navigate language back then? Because Latin was the spoken word in Rome. But then there was all these other languages that were like broken off Latin. And that would be French, Spanish, Portuguese, Romanian. And then how did Latin turn into? Well, Dante wrote Italian and declared it as the national language. But Italy wasn't like fully Italy. So there was just like would have been like the Republic of, I don't know,

Florence or Tuscany or Bologna and then that was like the creation of the Italian language was a dialect of Latin but now looking at it it feels very like constructed because it's so pretty do you know what we're doing right now we're thinking about the Roman Empire yeah we are it's awesome right well now I've moved past the Roman Empire I'm more like stop it I don't know you're thinking of the Roman Empire okay but I don't think about it that often you're Italian every day you think about the Roman Empire maybe because I've seen it Like, I've seen the aqueducts. I've seen, you know what I mean?

That's what I'm saying. I think you think about the Roman Empire probably more than any straight guy. I think about it when I'm there because you're eating pasta next to like a 3,000-year-old artifact. I think that's, but outside of that, I think of like, oh, where could Mariah Carey have done things differently? I think more, that's my Roman Empire. That's your Roman Empire. It's just Mariah's career. Yeah.

She's got a great career. She looked good recently. Oh, she looks beautiful. Yeah. She looks great. I love Maramari gets it. Like she's like, she was doing an interview and she was like, yeah, well, I'm going to do this Christmas tour and then I get, they put me back on ice. Like, she gets it. You know what I mean? Like, she understands. But think about it. She's 54 years old and can still sell out three Madison Square Garden shows. And like it's nothing. Yeah, it's unbelievable. Yeah. Did you go see her when she was in New York? Of course I did. Why would you even? That was homophobic. I was there. Almost in the same seats as last year. Oh, wow. Because I got him through live nation. You can't get season tickets. I mean, you should just be able to get it. I should get season tickets for the Mariah Carey Christmas show. To be honest, you that was better when it was at Beacon Theater. Really?

Wait, why? It's just more intimate. Mm. You know? I remember you telling Nick that you met her. I did. I have a picture of me hugging her in an elevator. Only one time, though.

Only once. I've seen her 14 times live, but I've only met her once. And Liza, you never met her. No. No, I'm not. If you had the chance to go to, like, a dinner or a lunch. Barber's dry sand. Really? Over Mariah.

Wait, why? I think Barbara, I mean, they are, they're both seem equally insufferable, like in their own way. But Mariah, like, I have real questions for Mariah Carey that have nothing to do about her career. I want to know, like, how, what did you do between the ages of, like, 10 and 19 to learn how to vocalize like that? Like, you must, you have, you had to have practiced every day. And how did you master this? And how did you practice this? And how did you, like, I have real technical questions.

No one knows that. But no one asks her. They always ask her about dumb bullshit. Or she always wants to be... Yeah. Or that like, are you write Christmas music? And it's like, I want to know about like, how did you develop that voice? Oh, wow.

So you would actually get into the details of like her technical. I could spend hours talking to her about that. Oh, wow. And what makes your voice feel weak? And how did you approach this? And what's your mental? Like, I mean, she does, like, when she was younger especially, I mean, she could really sing. Mm-hmm.

And then Barbara Streisand. I actually, this is again, going to sound homophobic. I don't understand the fascination with Barbara Streisand. I think her. She started when she was like Lady Gaga in the 60s. You have to think of it that way. Look different, sound different, act of different,

talk different. But now we're so used to her. Like, oh, yeah, that's Barbara Streisand. But when she first came out, no one had seen it before. Oh, wow. But that still has a hold on you? Yeah, I mean, her voice is the number one voice for me.

Besides Maria Callis, Barbara Streisand is the number one. I think she's the greatest singer of all time. Really? Yeah. But you're just not familiar with her music. Not at all. I'm kind of surprised by that. We're not allowed to play any of her music on this? I'll find it for you.

Yeah, I thought it was pretty confident to be like, I'll pull it up. But actually, we can, Brandon, can you just cut out the music part? Because I actually am genuinely curious about why Barbara Drysand's the shit. All right, so this is her when she's 20. What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick because it's 2024. And it's time to talk about something important. When you are seriously hurt, your injury could be worth millions. Yes, that's right. The world is a crazy place and one person's negligence can result in another's settlement. And that's why I got to talk to you about Morgan and Morgan. Morgan and Morgan is America's largest injury law firm. They have over 100 offices nationwide and over 1,000 lawyers. Yes, these are the big boys. You know, I'm You see them.

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Yeah, I was her, Colt me a Barbara album. Wow. She was 20, 21. 21? Mm-hmm. She started singing when she was 18, and she carried a cot with her.

She was so poor. She'd sleep in six different places each night. So, like, one place every night. So she'd bring the cot with her set up in her piano studio, sleep, set up her cock, because she had no money. And then she was trying to make

as an actress and she couldn't get a job as an actress, so she entered a talent contest at a gay bar called The Lion, because they gave you free London broil for a week if you won, and she was so hungry that she entered and just sang, she won, and then a guy who runs a club called the Bonsoir, which is like in the village, was like, can you come do your act? And so she sang all these weird songs, opened for Phyllis Diller, and she would dress in like men's clothing, Egyptian eye makeup and long fingernails, and people would try and buy her a drink. And she would say, no, I want a baked potato, hard on the outside, soft on the inside. And she would be on stage, like, speaking French, Italian, German.

How did she know all these languages? She studied them. She was super smart. She was Val Victorian of her class. Oh, really? Yeah. And she was, like, learning French, learning Italian. There's all these recordings of her, like, giggling to herself and saying weird shit on stage when she was in Greenwich Village singing.

She did a play with Joan Rivers before either one was famous. They played lesbians. Oh, wow. Yeah. And in her book, she talks very highly of Joan Rivers. Oh, that makes me happy. And Phyllis Diller. That's wild.

So she almost has like a weird comedy connection. She was super funny in the beginning. And she was funny girl on Broadway. She played Fannie Bryce because she was so comedic. But like in the very beginning, she was known as Zainey. They all thought she was from Turkey. So the Zainty Turkish singer. What?

Yeah. Where did she grow up? Brooklyn, Williamsburg. She's just a Brooklyn Jew. Brooklyn Jew. And like no one had ever seen anything like. like that before. She just was so, and then I remember she was doing a show called A.M. PM or

something or AM something was with a famous interviewer who was a real asshole and she was on the show and she was coming up as a singer and she was sitting with all these Broadway producers and she's 19 and they're like you know how can we never saw you? She goes because your people won't even look at me. She goes, that's why. It never made any sense.

You can only get this if you have credits but how am I going to get a credit to be able to be seen by you if you make that impossible? She's like yelling at them. I understand. Okay, I get it now. Yeah, I mean, you really just have to play that one part of the song and be like... And that's nothing.

Vocally for her, really? Nothing. Huh. She's in the Guinness Book of World Records for holding the longest note for musical movies. Oh, really? I am completely unaware of this. Because people, because I think because she's so like, hello, I have a house in Malibu. Like, she's so that now that people forget where she came from.

But if you look at her in the 60s, I mean, it was like... like this, like, and the 70s, a phenomenal singer. Just like, phenomenal. Yeah, why do you feel like she's, I mean, obviously to you, she's not underappreciated, but to me at least, like, she's not brought up in, like, people talk about Whitney Houston, they talk about. Yeah. I think it depends on the circles.

She has a more Broadway sound, Whitney's more R&B, more gospel. So it just depends on like, also the timing. We're born, you're born the 90s, and I'm born in late 80s. Barbara's from the 60s 70s You know they're her career So it's like It's just like

People think Aretha Franklin Is a better singer Because they were Born in the 60s Does she have any like pop hits? Yo yeah Like she's got She's got plenty

Is there a Barbara Streis and a song You can play that I'd be like Oh Um People People People Who need people

Oh yeah Are the lucky Don't tell me not to live Just sitting About our life's candy and the sons of all about it. Let's see, Barbara. This is so funny.

Is this every day for you just educating straight people about Barbara Stras? Yeah, I've had to educate Keith Robinson a million times about Barbara Streisand. These are in the 70s, so you can see like her real vocal flex. Yeah, as she's like maturing. Do you know how high that is for a woman to sing? You know what she's famous for is, um, memories like the corners of my eyes. that song Misty watercolon memories

for the way we were Really? Papa, can you hear me? Papa from Yenzel? My friend Tran has got a great joke about Yensel, but... I know, I've never heard that. Really? I'm literally going to go through? No.

This is like the first time, do you know Alex Media from the podcast? Yeah, of course. I was talking to Alex. This is like when I first started going on the road with them and he was like, yo, I mean, Jay-Z is the best rapper of all time. And I was like, yeah, he's been on a, he's on, I've heard that one song, New York. And he's like, you haven't listened to like Blueprint? I just like, it's a hard knock, line. Because it was Annie.

That was the one crossover from Jay Z and Gays. Yeah, that's where it really. Annie. He does it a couple times. He did Lincoln Park. He did encore. I mean, that's also embarrassing to do Lincoln Park. Yeah.

This reminds me when I got stuck in an elevator like a couple months ago. With Mariah Carey. I wish. No, that elevator did not get stuck. Wait, why were you stuck in an elevator? Oh, I was getting Botox, and it just got stuck. For how long? An hour. I know. Did you get scared?

No. I just am nervous that I have to pee, because, I mean, I have to pee all the time. I have to pee now. But you got pee nerves in the elevator. You didn't have to pee in the second door. The man with me was in his early hundreds. I mean, there was no, like, I could have done anything. Who are you? Like, it was so old. You got stuck in there with a guy?

That sounds like the worst. Well, I asked this girl in my audience and said, how long were you stuck in an elevator for? She was six hours of where. She goes, India. I said, how many people were in the elevator? She goes, no. And I said, that sounds not right.

There seems to be a lot of people in India. Yeah. And then I got stuck in an elevator last week in Detroit. What? It's a nice hotel, the Shinola, which is a great hotel. But I got in two other people. We pressed the button, and then nothing will open. Nothing will move.

So then I could just call the front desk from my phone and someone came and open it. But I just used the stairs for this weekend because I was like, what if I have to go be? I mean, this is terrifying. This is happening multiple times? I survey audiences every night because I have a joke about it now. So many people clap. You'd be shocked at how many people get stuck in elevators.

No way. It's like genuinely one of my biggest fears. It's not as bad as you think. I just, I don't know, freaks me out. You're stuck in there, you can't move, you got to pee. The peeing thing. I have to pee all the time. Do you want to take a pee break?

No, we can keep going. I should be okay. I just want to make sure. I might have to in like 15 minutes. That's totally fun. But yeah, I don't know. The elevator thing freaks me out, Especially if Mariah Carey's not in there.

She did a whistle tone for us in the elevator. Yeah, what does that mean? I heard you say that. A whistle, you know, that really high note that she does? All I want for Christmas. But come on, like emotions? Like, she sings that high. You've never heard this?

I'm sorry, Mateo. Are you joking? That's like, that's what she's known for. I know you'll always be my baby. Oh, God damn it. I know, I know. One last thing and we'll move on. I didn't realize it was homework for this.

Well, because how do you not know? I know we're gonna do all the world gay history. I would have brushed up. Well, this is my ancient Rome, so you're just gonna have to deal with it. Okay. Jesus Christ, I'm just gonna play at the very end. This is why she's famous. Just this.

Yeah, hurry up. How did you not know Mariah Carey can do that? So how does she do that? It's called a whistle tone. But is she singing or is she whistling? Yes, that's singing. Her vocal cords pinch so tight that she creates these things. creates these high notes.

And literally whistles. Yes? Wow. She's like, it's her signature. She does it like in almost all of her songs. I didn't know that was a thing. So that's what you mean when you're saying practice. Like, oh, you had to be doing this for 10 years.

Right. Like, how did you get that? Like, she's 21 there. I'm like, how did you figure this out? Like, what did you have to do to figure out that you can sing six full, five and a half octaves? Like, how many people can do that? Not a lot.

Like, 100. No, I mean, people can't. People have whistle tones. Like Ariana can do it. Oh, really? And they did a whistle-tone duet together. Oh, I'd never seen that. That's wild.

Me and my gay friends have to sit you down in front of YouTube and show you the first season of YouTube. That's what my friend Bob the Drag Queen's joke. He's like, I've seen the first season of YouTube. Doesn't think gay YouTube is a completely different place. I mean, my YouTube right now is all video game shit. Okay, so you're not even on gay YouTube. I've seen it.

I've heard of it. The go-toes are like Patty the Bell fucking up that Christmas song, Liza Home Shopping Network. Tyre Banks having rabies. Oh, that's a great one. I forgot I showed you that, right? Yeah, I remember that. Oh, yeah. We were all rooting for you. That's another one.

I mean, gays could rehearse that. So I'm not completely oblivious. Yes, but that was also five minutes of hanging out with me. Yeah, that's true. I really lost a lot of your followers. We've gotten into Barbara Streisand and Mariah Carey. Who cares about them, dude? I want to know about this.

Okay. Next time I talk to a gay, I'll be like... Well, now you know what a whistle tone is. Exactly. And I'll be like, oh, Barbara Streisand. And they'll be like, why are you pointing me? No, Mariah. No, but I'll be able to talk about Barbara Streisand.

So I'm saying, now I have the entire lexicon. That's true. I feel like I'm completely floored. I gave you the right ones to sort of watch. Yeah, exactly. This is, see, because you got me hip to opera, which I indulged in. Right. And now I know the whole deal.

Opera is, I feel like it's less palatable for people because they just assume that it means people, oh, they're just, it's smart and pretentious. But like, it's not. It's just a different kind of way of singing. Yeah. Yeah, it wasn't always that way, right? Like back in the day, was it? Well, opera's from Italy.

and it's kind of like Italian folk music like soul music that's what it is like poor people back in the day liked opera everyone liked opera everyone still likes opera my grandpa was the poorest guy ever and he loved opera yeah I mean it just I guess it affects some people and doesn't affect other people but you know yeah I love opera yeah but you were saying Mariah Care would be the one person

you'd want to sit down with I have questions but you say that also with a negative tone where you're like yeah Mariah I mean I love Mariah I have seen her, I am obsessed with Mariah Carey, but then there's just been like some sort of career decision making where I'm like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. Where did we go? How did we, like, sometimes she's on, sometimes she's off. I know she's very emotional, but I don't like that her fans are also like in denial. I wish that Mariah, I think Mariah wants to live up to fans' expectations and sound exactly like the album because she's such a good producer and writer. She writes all her own

songs. She's written every single one of her own songs and she has more number one hits than anyone in history besides the Beatles. And if she gets one more number one, she beats the Beatles. More than Drake? Are you what? Are you joking? This is some kind of sick, cool joke. I might kick you out of your own podcast.

She has more number ones than Drake? Yes, she has 19 number ones. The Beatles have 20. She has more than Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Usher. This feels like a conspiracy. This feels like I'm talking to my mom. No, Bill of Board 100.

That's why she's so famous. She wrote all of her number, all of her songs. Wow. But then it's just like, I want to just kind of, I just feel like, I don't know. I wish what, I guess what I'll say

without criticizing Mariah, what I wish she would do is a more stripped down version of her songs on tour and really focus on the voice. Because she uses a lot of playback sometimes, which I'm not mad at that. Like, I don't care.

Like, she's put in the work if she needs to like step out and have the playback sing for her fine. I don't care. That doesn't bother me. You still get a good note here and there. But it's like, I think there's like times from Mariah Carey's just like casually singing jazz at like the Carlisle online. You can see it.

And she sounds unbelievable. I'm like, just do a jazz album. Focus on the voice. Just bring a piano out and a stool and just do that. But she's so worried about how she looks and the dress and the hair and the lighting. And it's like the voice comes like in seventh or tenth place. Yeah, fame is monster though. Yeah, I mean, I get it.

Like if I was under. of that kind of pressure and people expect you to look a certain way and you know and you want to look pretty and I understand that completely but I just I feel like there was the last concert I saw her in where she was truly Mariah Carey was in like 2013 at the Beacon Theater when she did her first run of those Christmas shows and she didn't care how she looked she didn't care about the lighting she didn't care about anything she was singing live and the reaction from the room because all the fans know we don't like to talk about it but we know when she's like not really singing the reaction was so white-hot

because we're listening to Mariah Carey's real voice it was so gay but I'm like doesn't she feel that and think oh okay then the focus should be on my voice but then the next year you go back and it's she looks perfect and then the voice isn't as good and you're like oh god but I don't put pressure on her

she paid her dues like you know I'm saying she's 54 like your voice kind of starts to change and sounds unbelievable really voice hasn't changed an inch when did she record her first album? Patty the Bell? Was she recording yet?

Patty and the Bluebells in the early 60s. And her voice hasn't changed? No. She can still sing everything. What do you think it is? I think Patty... Patty comes from an era where a lot of those singers are were like, you didn't have an option.

You had to be good. Where like even by the 90s, Mariah was never like a club singer. She never did the circuit in the clubs and worked her way up. I mean, she was a background singer for Brenda K. Star. But she was more of a studio. singer. She loved to produce and she's a really good producer, really good writer. So, you know, but hey, she's known as a singer and you sing live, but she doesn't have, like, Whitney was

singing since she was like 10. Her mother had her singing in church. Her mother had her singing in clubs with her. Her mother had, like, so Whitney could sing till she died. Well, the last year wasn't so great. But, um, but Patty comes from that too, where it's like, it's almost vaudevillian. Like, you just got to sing it. This would be gay history that you can help me with. Okay. When there's this video of Whitney Houston's Celine Dion singing on stage together. Mm-hmm. I saw this recently.

Whitney and Celine together? I think so. No. Tell me who it is where someone sings and Celine Dion is like shocked and she's like, she's almost like aghast at the note that this person sings and she's like angry about it. Have you ever heard this? Was it Celine and Beyonce? Maybe is Selena Beyonce.

And she sang with Destiny's Child? I think so. And she was like shocked at like her voice. and apparently the rumors, like she was, like, mad about it. No, wait, Celine. Have you ever heard of this? Of course.

And I know the duet you're talking about. Because it was like, Celine and Whitney never sang a duet. Mariah and Whitney did. Okay. But Celine, no, there was a, there was a, that's not true because Celine's really supportive of like other singers. But there was Divas Live in 1997.

They had, Mariah, Celine, Shania Twain, Aretha Franklin, Gloria Estefan. did like the divas live where they all came out and sings it was at the beacon it was a big hit and at the end selene's trying to out sing Aretha and there's a lot of different versions of that story but maria wrote in her book that you know I mean it is uncomfortable was erytha's moment but so selene kept trying to out sing her the thing is Aretha and selina are pretty equal in terms of

vocal power so areitha's challenging her like she'll do a a riff and Celine matches it. Aretha does another one, Celine matches it. And it was like this crazy moment which is kind of cool. It was almost like a Pokemon battle, but voices. But you can see Mariah just like slowly moving towards the back and being like, I'm not getting involved

in this. And then Paddy the Bell apparently told Mariah like if you had gotten involved, I would have killed you. Like you are not supposed to like that. The night is for Celine and be good to, the night it's for Aretha, be good to Aretha. You know, don't try and out-sing the diva. Why did Celine

checker, you think? Because I'm from France and I think that we are friends and I'm singing with my friend. You think she was doing it to try to be? I think that Celine legitimately thought like, I'm having a good experience. Oh, wow. And Aretha's like, get off my stage. And Mara is like,

I'm stepping back. Oh, wow. Okay, this is exactly what I was looking for. I saw this like randomly on Instagram and it was like one caption and I was like, okay, I know nothing about this. But this is like a whole... I think they did like, I don't know where they were something of VH1 I'm sure but

and Destiny's Child they they sliced off the first two so there was just the three of them the Kelly Michelle and Beyonce and they did a lot of duets and so Celine must have a concert that they came out and like sang with them or maybe a Celine came and sang with them at their concert for some TV program

but I don't think that no I think that some people love to like create stories but like Celine's a great singer and Beyonce's a great singer I don't think they're trying to out sing each other especially at that time Beyonce wouldn't try and out sing Celine because Beyonce was the younger one at the time. I never even finished my Lady Gaga story.

This is the first concert I went to. You had insulted me, okay? You had... I thought you would... I'm not going to let it keep me down. My dad took me in like four of my siblings to the UCF arena in Orlando to go see Lady Gaga

right after her first album dropped. I think he was aware peripherally of just dance, like the big hit from the album, and he was like, hey, this will be a fun concert. we show up, it's me, my dad, and like my younger sister, me. Like, I was probably like 14 at the time. I don't even know.

And then just a thousand gay dudes. Just the whole place, the little monsters. And we pulled up and my dad was like, oh, this is different than what I had anticipated. He had completely oblivious, no idea. Somehow you guys knew about Lady Gaga from like day one. I don't know. We knew her through Perez Hilton. Oh, really?

At the time Perez was like really boasting about this young new artist, Lady Gaga. And so I knew nothing about her, just her, I knew that she wore sunglasses and had like, her hair was a bow. Yeah. And then Christina Aguilera was trying to release her album byionic, I think was it was called, at the same time. But then Christina was trying to do these kind of looks. And somehow people were claiming that Christina was stealing from Lady Gaga, which helped boost Lady Gaga way up. because everyone's like, well, then who the fuck is Lady Gaga? And she had all these hits.

And then I started liking her when she was performing on American Idol. I thought, oh, she's just another club, you know, like, Justin, gonna be youngie. I'm like, whatever. And then she came out playing piano singing. Yeah. And I go, oh, well, now I like her because she's actually talented. Yeah. Yeah.

And my dad just thought she was like a club hit, whatever. We showed up, and literally the gays and thongs being like, yeah. Yes. And the show's like provocative. Like we didn't know at the time that it was going to be like a whole thing. Like Circular Solay, she's like naked at one point. It was crazy.

And then my dad just as relieved me, he just looks at me. He's like, just don't tell your mom. Like it was like our little, our little gay secret. He's like, just don't, you know, we don't even need to bring this up. If she asked, just be like, yeah, it was fine and just keep it moving. I like your dad. It was, it was. That's great.

It was amazing. That's great. But see, that was the first concert. Don't tell your mom. Literally. What's your review of the concert? Don't tell your mother. Yeah.

And then the craziest thing is that years later, my mom didn't even know that we even went to the concert, and she was big on conspiracies. So she would play Lady Gaga's music videos and be like, did have you seen this? I'd be like, what? She's like, it's all here. All the conspiracies are here.

And literally she'd be like, she covered her eye. She's a part of the Illuminati. And like would break down her music videos. Your mother's? Like a YouTube conspiracy person? Really? Yes. Going through all of it being like,

do you see the floors? They're checkerboard. Do you see the snake? She's got to do something else. You would love it. The way she breaks it all down, she's like, I'm telling you, it's all connected to one cabal for Satan. I was like, what? For Satan?

What? Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. So imagine like- Gaze, we can't have anything. Dude. Everything has got to be Satanism. Imagine my dad being like, hey, let's go see Lady Jaga.

And then my mom being like, you know, she's the devil. And this is the childhood that I'm- And I'm standing back here like, we've got a lot more problems than the devil. Someone's got to come out in this family Yeah It is wild No one of my family's gay No one came out

I have three in mine Yeah I guess you're doing A lot of the heavy lifting For my brother Myself and my cousin Brian Oh really Mm-hmm Who came out first?

My brother he's oldest And then you were And by the time you came out And everyone was like I don't know Yeah I also made it like funny My family

My family Someone was talking I was trying to describe My family It's like my big fat Greek wedding Because my first show I ever did I was 23 and I did it at a bar in Chicago

hosted by Marty DeRosa. I did three minutes and 31 members of my family came. Yeah, that's insanity. Like, not only the size and support of your family, but the fact that the first time you do stand up, you want anyone there. I just didn't know. I didn't understand.

I didn't know either, but no one was allowed to see me for a year and a half. My uncle Mike was like, oh, you're doing a channel of comedy? I'm like, yeah, he's like, we're getting the family together. And so they like bust themselves down there. I did a bunch of shows my family would come to.

But then once I started doing open mics and realized, like, oh, like, you don't want your family there. Yeah, because you did way better, I feel like, than you actually did. Correct me if I'm wrong. But if 31 Italians are out the show? They were fine. I mean, my, you know, I... Did they give you an honest read? They're like, yeah, we're not going to laugh.

Yeah, they're like, it's funny. You know, they're never really that impressed by my career. Even when I brought them to the Chicago theater. But they're very happy for me, of course. But, like, they don't, like, boast about me to my friends. face. Like when we're alone, we just talk about family stuff. Oh, hilarious. So it's not... My aunt Cindy was, I brought my aunt Cindy on the stage to do

the sound check and light check. And so she could... I wanted her to see the theater before people came in, like from the view of the theater. And then we looked at like people's signatures on the walls and stuff. I signed next to Michelle Obama. How cool is that? I wanted to sign next to Liza Minle.

But hers is under a plaque because it's where Frank Sinatra's is, so they don't want anyone doing anything to Franks, yeah. We signed right next to it. When we were just there and we like signed like right on the on the side we're like do we have to with the boys was she there was there with you no we went again oh you went back this year that's right exactly and and i don't even know where we signed the first time but we did it the uh right next to sinatra we're like that's the i did i did um first time i performed there was with a z's then was with andrew and then myself

how cool is that it's a sick little level up yeah it was very cool i mean i had a good time How long until, like, what's the next step after Chicago Theater? Is this United Center? I don't think my career will get that size. I can't see myself doing a stadium, like Andrew or Matt Rife. But five years ago, did you think it was going to be Chicago Theater? Yeah, five years ago, yes, I did. Five years ago, I could see, I was like, I think I can, I'll get my, I always saw myself, like, I will do theaters one day.

I mean, I didn't know how I was going to get there, but it's like how I enjoyed seeing myself. but I'm fine doing theaters, you know? I don't know that I have that kind of ambition. Do you ever get a sense where you're like, oh, this is getting too big? No. I don't know how far, you know, this, not to sound like a victim, but I don't know how far I'll be able to go. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, I'm stacked up against, like, I mean, I'm doing amazing.

Do you know what I mean? But my ambition isn't to do 10 stadiums and do all this stuff. That's not my ambition. My ambition is just I really love doing theaters and I love performing. But I don't know I'm an openly gay man doing stand-up comedy. It's possible that like there's not everyone's open to it. So I'm a little limited in that sense. Yeah, some global markets might be.

There's more straight white men than there are gays. Yeah. You know, but I have a lot of straight people that come to my shows, which I love. A lot of women, their boyfriends. but even straight guys come see my show well that's the thing like I don't feel like I don't see you as a gay comedian my friend Jared Goldstein brought up a great point

is like imagine every time you had to say someone it was a comedian you had to say they were a straight comedian yeah think about it it was not ridiculous the straight comedian Andrew Schall straight comedian Christian Christopher the straight comedian Samarrel the straight comedian you know Godfrey the straight comedian like Keith Robinson like you know yeah but I'm still the gay comedian

and he's the gay comedian he's the gay Not the meaning the only woman. It's like when someone mentions, oh, that's the gay one. Right. In that sense. Yeah. Because I don't really see you that way. I see it was a comic that is gay.

So it would make sense that if I went to your show, I'd be like, oh, yeah, I really enjoy this. And also, like, the gay stuff is funny also. Yeah, but I'm thinking about my hour now, and it's not even that gay-centric. I mean, everything's like kind of a nod to it. There are some stories. Like, I talk about my, right now, my experience as a gay guy at the gym. but it's not like I don't know

I'm not like I'm not singing somewhere over the rainbow That's what I'm saying Like I feel like your point of view Will always be in that lane Yeah of course And I'm very proud of that Right but I think my training comes from

Basements in Brooklyn with predominantly straight people Right yeah So it's that's it's not so much like I chose to like I'm going to do comedy this way It just comes from like What your training is Exactly yeah which I think is cool

I don't know I feel like I could, like, when I was watching your stand-up, even before I knew you. I was like, oh, yeah, this just is funny. Like, I didn't, yeah, I don't even know if I heard, like, gay jokes the first couple times I saw you. You just saw me wiping come off my face. And you're like, he's pretty cool. Exactly. He must have gone on that Lady Gaga concert, too.

I was like, I know what I've seen that guy before. But I have no ambition. I mean, I think I'm happy with my career and I just hope to get to do this the rest of my life. I really don't have that, like, you know, know if I had to do like a state state I don't even know how my career would get there to be honest with you to do a stadium would you ever do a Broadway show yes and a heartbeat 100% one of my favorite musicians ever is this guy named Brendan Urey from Panic of the disco okay and I don't know anything this is again another very bizarre quality of mine he's genuinely

my favorite band is Panic at the disco I don't know why like it's like an emo teen girl like pop punk band I've seen them like four times like I've been like I've been genuinely a fan. It's only one guy now. This dude, Brendan Uri. And he's like a Mormon kid from Vegas. They made their first album, a figure I can't sweat out when he was like 19 years old. It's still one of the greatest albums ever, in my opinion.

And as he kind of got older, started like doing Broadway. So he appeared in like kinky boots or something. And I was like, oh, this is an insane progression. I would want to do... Look, I kind of did comedy because I couldn't figure out... I would never be able to navigate the musical theater world. It just seems

so stressful. But I always wanted to be a singer. And so in my head I was like, well, I'll just make it as a comic. And then once I make it, I'll just do Broadway. Foolishly. That was literally my whole plan. And it's kind of worked out. I mean, I think I would be in the position now where I could at least, I would have to

be in a casting call, you know, but I don't think that I could just get an offer to roll. But I hope to get big enough that I could do like a role. But I'd love to do like a establish a role, like build. the role, like in a new Broadway play, and do the workshops and all that stuff, rather than just like appear in Chicago or appear in Kinky Boots. Not that that's not hard or anything, but like, it would be really fun to actually be a part of the entire process, building up a Broadway show, spend a year in the workshops, doing the, you know, getting my voice into a really good shape

and then doing the show. Oh, that's interesting. So like speak this into existence. Like, how would this work? Someone would have come to you know. It's the most L.A. thing I've ever heard you say. We're manifesting. Speaking something into existence. Manifesting, okay? But, like, if someone were to come to you and be like, wait, Mateo, you're great, you can sing, you have, like, acting prowess. Take this role. That's not really a popular role. It's almost like an off-Broadway show and then build it up over six months.

Like, would you stop stand-up to dedicate to a Broadway show? I could do a year off of stand-up to do Broadway. I would take one year off. Wow. And I'd probably still pop up at the cellar. Yeah, of course. But, like, off the road. Off the road, yeah.

It would be nice to have, like, a normal live in New York actually. live here. But you don't want it to be a musical theater. I would love to be musical theater. Are you kidding? That's the only way I would do it. I wouldn't do a plain play. Boring as fuck. Did thy think that? I agree. I just can't get into it. And what did Judy say when she opened the door? I never met Judy. I only knew her to be like shut up. Jesus! You know I want to hear like what? I want to hear singing. That's how I feel. People think musical theater is I think regular acting is gay or the musical theater, for sure. I completely agree 100%. You're just like seeing these two people like fake, be mad at each other. It's like just sing for God's. And then there's like you have to, the amount of belief I have to suspend. Yeah.

I just would rather see the producers. He's leaving. Exactly. If they do a revival of the producers, I'd like to be in that. I think I could do a great job in that. What was your role? What do you want to be? Either Nathan Lane or Matthew Broderick, either one.

Would you do Book of Mormon? Yeah. I don't know if my voice can go to that. And Mormons just believe. There you go. I haven't warmed up. I think you got it, though. But they sing really high in that song.

No, I don't, I like that play. But I don't know that I would love to do that every night for six months. Yeah, that's how I felt. I saw, I think I texted her, I saw Spam a lot. Yeah. Was it good? It was fun. Yeah.

It was fun. It's like more for the kids. Yeah, it's kind of like a family. Like you could all, you could go as a gang and be like, oh, this is a good. I mean, to me, the perfect musical to. be in is like wicked because the music is so good and it's just like

it's fun costumes, it's magical you know, that would be so that would be a really fun play to be in. Yeah. But I can't play Alphabet. I still haven't seen Wicked. Oh, you should. I think you and your wife should go see Wicked. Yeah, I think. You would really like it. I genuinely think I would. I, this is

I saw Donna Summer. Donna Summer's show on Broadway. All right. And that's such a good time. And I love Donna Summer. Underrated singer for sure. But you should definitely go see Wicked. That's like a real classic New York Broadway show. It's been 25 years, I think. Yeah.

20 years, something like that. We actually just saw Hamilton recently. Was it good? It was. What's his name, Emmanuel? Lee Manuel, yeah. People are kind of over, not over him, but I saw something online where it's like, it's enough.

I don't know. He seems talented. He's just too talented and he's been popular for so long. And people are like, all right, right, right. I actually really, my favorite thing he's ever done has been in Mary Poppins, too. I never saw that. He sings this song like, manna, na, na, na, na, na la la.

I can't remember the words, la la la la la la la la la. When you get you go? Like, he's like, he's in it? He's actually just playing the role. Yeah, he plays like the new bert. It's kind of perfect. The Dominican burp. Yeah.

I actually, I liked him. Hamilton, but the thing again... I got an offer to play the King's role in the European Tour of Hamilton. That's the best role. So I'm getting closer. That's the best role. But I was like, I'm literally just reaching my dreams of doing stand-up in theaters, so I can't. But that would be fun.

You one million percent should take that up. That is the best role in the whole show. I doesn't really talk like this. He doesn't really talk, though. He just pop-p-pop-pop-pop-p-pup. He just comes out. You'll be back. Soon you'll see.

It's the best song in the whole show. Sometimes the rapping, some of the guys are good at it. But some of the guys, like, it's like watching theater kids rap and you're like, wow. It's just so crazy. There's nothing worse than a theater kid trying to rap. So I had kind of a disdain for the show because I did like improv when I was in college. Like a freshman in college, I was like, I like comedy, so let me try this improv thing. Right, which is like a natural.

I'm just checking the time real quick. We're about to actually bounce in a second. Oh, yeah, I got a head out. I'm heading on an improv. Exactly. I did this improv thing for like a semester and I was like, all right, I'm over it. But it was all these theater kids, and they were like, dude, I love rap music. And I actually genuinely like rap, but they were like, dude, I love rap music.

Like, you know, Hamilton. Are they like white suburban kids? Yeah, of course. And they were like, do, do, do, bade da, do da, boo da, boo to da. Kip, stop, jump and rap. And I'm like, oh, God. It just always feels like that one video that keeps circulating. It was like that skinny white lady from the 80s who's like trying to teach you how to.

Crump and step and crump and step. Exactly. And these kids were like, yeah, I just love rap music. You know what I mean? Like Hamilton really put me on. And I was like, ugh. And it was the fandom that put it off. I think you can like rap music, but you don't have to be involved in it.

That's how I do you know what I mean? It's like, you can enjoy something like that country music. Like, I'm not going to get on a guitar, but like, then I go where I'm not. That's not why I am. Yeah. I'm not going to try and be that. Bothered me.

I don't know. And no disrespect to theater kids, but I hate all of them. Okay. I think theater kids, it's the musical theater world is a really competitive world with a lot of insecurities. and so it creates like a really sometimes toxic environment, but generally speaking, I mean, it's really talented people. Of course, but it's all the downsides of like the stand-up comedy world, but you can't make fun of them.

Well, that's right. I mean, that's the thing I love about comedy is like no matter, like you can't, I cannot sit at the cellar with any kind of attitude because I'll get called out immediately. People are still insecure, people are still very competitive, but you sit down on the table and you have a stupid shirt. You're humbled every day. Yeah, it's great.

That's what musical theater needs More bullying I mean we should send Keith Robinson To like to do reverse HR for musical theater students To teach them how to be shitty to each other That's a great idea That's a great idea And I also think a great place to end

Mateo Lane thank you so much for spending time Thanks for having me I had a really great time This is a lot of fun I really enjoyed this and I feel like I learned a lot I hope I wasn't boring I always were I get off podcast and like Was I boring? Was I talking too much about the things I like?

There's no such thing There's no such thing. The whole purpose of this, I would prefer to do this without cameras. And you and I go up to the woods and we sit and a tent. You're getting gayer and gayer. And you and I would just bring a pit bull and we just look into each other's eyes. But no, I would rather do this without cameras.

Like, I don't even care. I love that I wasn't even interested in you taking me to the dog. I was interested in the dog. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I don't blame you. Thank you so much. Oh, sorry. No, I just want to connect with you.

I think this is really fun and a good time to do it. So I appreciate you spending the time with me. Well, make sure you look at I Never Likeed You with Nick Smith and Mattelaine My Podcasts. That's already linked in the description. It's already linked in the description. I got to put it out there. I got to promote.

I always brought Nick here, honestly. Oh, my goodness. I can come back, me and Nick. Yeah, tell him to bring his favorite blouse. I can't wait. He can't even pick. Let's do this again, Mateo. Yes, I would love that.