Camp Gagnon - WORST Assassination Attempts Ranked (2025 Tier List)

Episode Date: April 3, 2025

🚨 Make Sure To Rate Us 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟What compelled these individuals / governments to try and delete certain public figures off the face of Earth? Join us, as we cover EVERY failed assassination attempts throughout history. In the process, we find out that Mark might be half Cuban! WELCOME TO CAMP! 🏕️Shoutout to our sponsors: Morgan & Morgan, Bluechew and Zippix👕🧢 GET YOUR CAMP DRIP HERE: https://campgoods.com🏕️ Get Today In History Email Here (Free): https://camp.beehiiv.comSpecial Guest: Max ManticofTIMESTAMP: 00:00 Boyscouts + Gayest Position In Baseball1:28 Trump's Ear Scar + John Wilkes Booth Father 4:26 The Failed Assassinations of Franz Ferdanand11:26 Andrew Jackson Beats Assassin With Cane18:24 Louis XV Assassination Attempt19:28 Max Is Ripped + Thyroid Problems?23:11 Louis XV Confesses To Cheating on His Wife + Saved By Shirts26:49 Bill Clinton Forces Netanyahu To Hand Over Antidote32:55 Coca Leaves + Indian Call Line35:46 CIA Attempts To Kill Castro Over 300 Times43:53 Mark Might Be Half Cuban + Did Fidel Listen To Lil Pump?46:33 Adolf Hitler and Operation Valkyrie53:53 George W. Bush Failed Grenade Explosion55:37 Manson Cult Member Tries To Assassinate Gerald Ford1:00:13 Richard Nixon + Nostalgic Florida Appliance Commercial1:05:57 Benito Mussolini Almost Killed By a Woman1:09:03 Andrew Carnegie 1:10:13 King Edward Longshanks1:13:52 Ronald Regan Shot In The Chest1:19:00 What’s Your Favorite Assassination?1:21:52 Check Out Max’s Comedy + Marks a Soccer Pro

Assassinations. Three shots were fired at President Kennedy. Shots fired at the Minister of Information as he was. Subversion and plots against his goal. That's right. This is the unfortunate reality that every head of state must deal with on a daily basis. People in your own country, political dissidents or even foreign adversaries, trying to take your life to disrupt your country or even seize power for themselves.

Now, fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, depending on what sides you're on, most of these assassinations are unsuccessful because they're stupid. That's right. these would-be assassins put together bad strategies to take out their political opponents, maybe because they're delusional, maybe they're psychotic, maybe they're unmedicated, maybe they're just plain dumb.

And today, we're ranking the best. And by the best, I mean, the worst assassination attempts of all time. I mean, we got everyone on here, everyone from Andrew Jackson, Fidel Castro, George Bush, Gerald Ford, Louis the 15th, Benito Mussolini, and we even talk about Donald Trump's

near miss that almost took his life in Butler, Pennsylvania. This episode got it all, we're going to be ranking all the worst assassination attempts in U.S. history and putting them all into one easy list. So, sit back, enjoy yourselves, and welcome to camp. What's up, people, and welcome back to camp. Thank you for joining me in my beautiful tent. Once again, this is tent talks. You guys already know what that is. If you're a diehard camper, if you're a regular camp head, you already know what that is, but for anyone that doesn't know, this is the show where I explain the most interesting, fascinating and controversial stories from around

the world throughout history across galaxies to my dumbest friends. And today we got a good one. My dear friend Max Manikoff. Thanks for having me, dude. I didn't know you only brought Boy Scouts on this pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, facts. Were you a Boy Scout? Huh?

Were you a Boy Scout? Of course. I led the pack. I don't think it's a pack. Wait, what kind of fucking Dominican Boy Scout group are you? And you're like, well, I'm not going to lie, there was a lot of baseball bats and we were on a field. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude, we're playing Boy Scouts.

Like, I don't know, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you were in the Boy Scouts at all. Because if that's the case, I feel like you would have been an Eagle Scout because you don't seem like a quitter. I don't know what that means. An Eagle Scout? You have the biggest liar in the world. What do you mean?

I know we got badges. You didn't? No, those are medals for getting third place. They think of us chewing tobacco, though. Wait, really? How old are the first time you did dip? I don't know, but I don't know if this is gay or not, but they had me playing first base. First base, I don't think is gay.

I think I think I just played baseball. Yeah. Now that I think it was a completely different thing. Yeah, you definitely put baseball. But I think catcher's gayer than first base. Catcher's gayer? Yeah. It depends what positions he's in.

I mean, if you're catching, you're in a squat. You never fucking a squat? No. You got to believe in yourself. Today I have a wonderful topic for you, Max. We're talking about... Big things? We're talking about big things.

We're talking about the worst assassination attempts in history. I don't think they did it. Who's there? Cover it. Any of them? Yeah, any of them, man. Here's the thing about assassinations, man. They're all. It's always a guy that just doesn't seem like he was ready for the moment.

Yeah. I mean, if they've failed, do you mean? Even the guys who, like, did it. Like, it's always kind of sucks, no? Like, all the big ones? Like, I'm immediately taking presidents. Like, I don't know what the topics are going to be, but I'm thinking presidents. I'm like, that's, yeah, right?

What, you're saying? I don't know what you're saying. You're saying that they did do it or they didn't do it? It's like how was that accessible? It's just a little of that where I'm like, nah, I'm set out. The most recent one is crazy. Oh, with old crook daddy, old crooks and he don't. That's crazy.

Yeah, there's some fugaziness going on with it. A lot. Like, a lot of people being like, yeah, we saw him, like, hey, man. It's either extreme negligence or. It's got to be more than that. He was set up. Yeah, there's got to be a guy who's. Also, to nip the ear is still absurd.

Yeah, it's crazy. There's actually a video I saw recently that shows his ear scar. Would you mind pulling this up? Would you mind Donald Trump? Yeah, search ear scar. There's one specifically. Do you see that right there? Yeah.

That's the first image that I saw that shows the wound on his ear. Also, how do you not think you're a god after that? Right? You're like, oh, I'm here for... Yeah. Like, Kanye's done it for close to nothing. Yeah. You know, it's like, that guy lost his body.

You almost get a stash in a row. It only nips your ear. You go... Come on. I'm him. You look up, you go, come on. I'm him. Yeah, come on, big guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just me and you here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so I agree with your general center. And most of the time when they're these assassination situations, it's like, oh, there's some fugazi going on. It's also always like some guy that's like, it's just too suss. Yeah, no, it's all very strange.

Why can I never be a guy like with a family? Lee Harvey Oswald randomly happens to be in Russia, working with the CIA, goes and kills JFK, then he gets killed 40 hours later. Seems a little strange if you ask me, okay? Abraham Lincoln. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Link Dog and John Wilkes Booth. You know what's fascinating about that, actually?

All righty, don't skip forward, guys, because I am on the road. World's fastest ad read coming at you. I'm going to be in Bangor, Maine, Portland, Maine, Charleston, South Carolina, Atlanta, Strodsburg, Hoboken, Indianapolis, Buffalo, Raleigh, Poughkeepsie, Portland, Oregon, Fort Worth, Texas, Austin, Texas, Stanford, Philadelphia, San Diego. I'm also going to be adding Toronto, Montreal, as well as Washington, D.C., and a bunch of other dates. You can get all that at the markagdon.

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We got camp merch. We got hats, hoodies, t-shirts. A lot of stuff is out of stock. Things have been selling like hot cakes, but we're going to be restocking everything and all the sizes so you can go there right now. Get all the merch, get all the coolest clothing and the podcast game.

We're going to be updating that site regularly. And if you come out to a show, I'd love to see you sporting some of the threads that we got up online. I'll see you guys there. Let's get back to the show. John Wilkes Booth, his father, was named Junius Brutus Booth.

That was his dad's name. Junius Brutus, one of the most famous assassins of all time, kill Julie Caesar. That's wild. That happens to be his dad's name, just by coincidence. All of them happen to have done the reenactment of Shakespeare's Julie Caesar. And I'm pretty sure John Wilkes Booth at one point in time played Brutus, the assassin, that kills the leader. And it doesn't real life.

That's wild. Some people get male pattern baldness from their family. Yeah, yeah. Not that family. Yeah, he inherited assassinating. It's, it's wild. Let's kick it off with an all-time famous assassin's. assassination attempt that then turned

into a real assassination. Hit me. The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. That's an important one? You've heard of this guy. What does he do? 1914. This is what kicked off World War I. Oh, there we go. Which then kicked off World War II, is then kicked off everything that we're in now. So this is how crazy it is. He eventually succeeded in murdering these guys, right? The Archduke was going

to Sarajevo, okay? He's passing to the city on a motorcade. The route is published ahead of time. Timeout. It's been three signs. It says you've use four words I don't recognize. Sarajevo is the capital. Hey, dude, can you fucking plug this into a PD translator, man? No, this is good. This is good. We'll slow down.

We'll slow down. Franz Fernand is the Archduke at this time of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Okay. That's just a place. Yeah. And he's in Sarajevo in Bosnia. It's the capital of Bosnia. Also, some say the dangerous whites.

Yes. Oh, my goodness. Of the most dangerous, for sure. Oh, my God. And this guy goes through a motorcade through the whole city in 1914, and they publish the route ahead of time. They tell everyone, hey, this is where I'm going to be. Chilling in my car. How'd they get the route?

1914, letters, pictures. It's in the newspaper. Someone drew it. They'd put it in the newspaper to say, hey, this is where the archduke is going to be on this date at this time. The plan was to have several assassins stationed at several points along the road, each with a pistol or an explosive, and there was going to be several in case one of them didn't succeed. as the archduke passed in his car and assassins would throw a bomb to blow it up to shoot him or to kill him.

How many failed those times were there? Think about it, right? There's at least like four guys that are like... To look back and be like, yo, those last four were crazy. And then the next guy gets you. It's like you're playing Mario Kart. There's just shells and bananas behind you.

Yeah, it's wild. So the archduke is going. All right, he passes the first assassin, which is where their first attempt was supposed to start. Okay? Of the attended assassins, two of them got scared, and left. One felt pity for his wife who was in the car and didn't shoot. Another one, his equipment failed. And then one of the assassins finally, on the route, throws a bomb,

he misses his throw and the bomb exploded behind the car injuring 20 people. As the Archduke was whisked away to safety, the assailant jumped over a bridge into a waterway to make his escape, then discovered that the water was 10 centimeters deep and broke his leg. Nice. Taking a poison pill to evade capture Didn't work since the poison was low quality And he just sat around vomiting While the police went down to collect him

So this guy What a day Throws a bomb, misses, hits 20 people jumps over the bridge, breaks his leg Has poison to kill himself Takes the poison, doesn't die Just starts throwing up everywhere Later that day, the archduke was on his way

To the hospital where the victims of the attack were being treated The personal chauffeur This guy Leopold Didn't know his way around Sarajevo And makes a wrong turn they go into a dead end he tries to back up but then the car stalls out

so now they're on this motorcade after four or five assassination attempts they're stuck in a dead end at that point you gotta be suspicious yeah right you're like oh there's 20 assassins the whole city's trying to kill me and now they're stuck in a dead end the assassin

okay this guy gavrilo princep he just so happened to stop right in front of the place where the spot where they were stalled Mr. No Legs I don't know if he was the one with the no legs. I think he might have been one of the other ones who's

who the equipment failed. Also, that guy's story is just like a frat bro from like Syracuse. Imagine. Yeah, legs broken, filled himself with poison. That's called Hennessy. Throwing up everywhere. Yeah. That's called vodka. Georgie? Yeah. Basically this guy, Gavrelo, he's sitting there getting something to eat

in front of like a restaurant where the guy gets stuck, pulls out his pistol, shoots him. Still pays his check. Tough. Probably. Tips 100% who gives a shit You know what I mean? Shoots this guy actually kills him And then kicks off all of World War I

Crazy Yeah that's a lot What do you order? I think it was a sandwich If my memory's not mistaken I think it genuinely was like a BLT At least it's food If he's just getting

Like if a guy sitting out there Just getting dips you go This is sucks Someone should have no Why do he just get hummed? Dude imagine a full ice cream cone Just sitting there Just scarf it out of cream

Yeah this is the guy right there. The man who shot transferred named Gavrilo Princep. Oh, this guy. Nice jacket. Yeah, but this guy, you know what this guy looks like? You ever seen Prison Break? No. It looks like the guy who tells people to hold his pocket. Yeah. I actually, I have no idea what

happened to this guy. He probably got caught and then he got executed. How tall is that guy? Not tall. But back in the day, he was probably tall for the time. No. Towering over people at 5'3. You know what I like? I feel like back in the day, like if you were 5-5, you were like set. Yeah, you think any men ever got like horseshoes put on the bottom of their feet?

Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that's... Nailed in, like, yeah, let me get three. This is why men used to wear high heels. Like Louis the 16th. Can we pull up a picture of Louis the 16th shoes? Louis the 16th, infamously, the monarch of France wore these super ostentatious high heels. I know you're French, but you know how they are. Oh, dude. Look at these. Easily two inches. Yeah. The original Tims. Also, maybe a tap dancer. The thing is, like, no one's ever asked about like his hobby. He did dabble and tap dancing. Like there's for sure been a politician who's pulled up to give a speech in like Jordans.

And you're like, yeah, he got a game after. Obama. Oh, really? I mean, he was the all-time presidential shooter. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, that's why we're saying it. Wait, why are you saying it? What other reason is there to say?

What are you? He's just a hooper, right? Yeah, he just happens to like the beautiful game of basketball. Yeah. For no reason. Mm-hmm. maybe being black helps sure okay we'll go with that also um oh this is another great assassination attempt again this is also this guy

I mean how did they have the whole story of like what his day looked like because they all ratted okay fair and they were like look I killed him but there were seven other guys that were involved you got to take them down too yeah I'm sure when he was locked up he was like look I'm not the only one starts singing like a bird there's 13 more guys yeah He was got bullets. He was probably telling him, like, dude, this is so embarrassing. I didn't even mean to kill him.

Yeah. It was kind of his fault. Yeah, and one guy's in a Honda Civic with his wife still arguing. Like, babe, I'm going to be late for the assassination. I got to go. Why do you always bring up old shit, right when I'm trying to do work? You know I'm here for something. I have a job to do.

Yeah, you said you wanted to come and you would shut up. And now you're saying I never listened. Yeah, I have a lot of my mind, okay? I have to go kill the Archduke Frantzman. It's the worst. Women just don't get it. They, I feel like, oh, no, there actually are a few women that do get it. The assassination of Gerald Ford.

Okay, we'll get to him later. Good transition. 1835, there's a house painter named Richard Lawrence, and he tries to assassinate the president of the United States, Andrew Jackson. His reasoning was because Jackson's war on the bank, and he did not believe it was constitutional, and it hurt the economy of his supporters. Richard's reasoning was that if Jackson was killed,

then he would receive the money from his estate in England, as he believed that he was King Richard III, who died in 1485. So this guy Richard Lawrence A psychopath, essentially. Maybe reincarnated. I'm that guy. Maybe he was like, I'm the king of England. Reincarnated.

Also, by the way, Richard the third died at 1485. Cuck shit, bro. To wake up and be like, yo, that guy that died, that's me, bro. Yeah. Bro, just be you, bro. Build your own life. What if you get to be someone else, that's way sicker? Nah.

I like you turn to this like a fucking Tony Robbins lecture. Yeah, that's. Weird, bro. Unleashed the power of yourself. Yeah, but you have to be yourself. Murder or not. That's true. Yeah, he didn't stand on. He was like, look, I killed him for a good reason. I'm the king of England and I deserve all this money. Yeah. So, that's what he thought. So, there were a bunch of eyewitnesses that claimed that Richard would mutter him to himself about Jackson and once claimed, I'll be damned if I don't do it. This is what Richard Lawrence, a famous house painter said. Other people believe that this guy went crazy because he was painting houses and was inhaling all the mercury that was in the painting. at the time. Very Antonio Brown of him. He became, he got a little CTE. Rumor has it, yeah, Antonio Brown used to go out there

when they freshly painted the fields. A couple laps for the boys. What if that was really what it was? What if that's the whole NFL CTE problem? It's not the tackles. It's that these guys are going out there early to practice. Freshly painted. The fumes on the field, hot day. They were just breathing it all in. It's very possible. We should look at it. This guy, Richard III, or Richard Lawrence,

Not Richard the third. That's the king of man. Richard Lawrence on January 30th, after Jackson was leaving a funeral, he draws a pistol and fires it at Jackson, but it misfires. But he has a second pistol. Drops that one.

It says, fuck it. Reloads, like straight up Halo. Which one was this? When was the time? 1835. That's got to take a minute. Well, if you got two on lock,

you know what I mean? It's like being a mass shoot it with a musket. Yeah. You're like, bro, you're going to get like three people, maybe, bro. You gotta reload that whole shit, man. That, like, I think Sam Rill had a joke about that, where he's like, look, make guns legal, but they gotta be muskets. That's fun.

Yeah, I mean. So everyone can have a gun, they gotta be muskets. You get one good one. And you got a hit. Yeah, I think his last tag was then, like, gangs in Chicago would just look like Hamilton. Oh, look, they're doing a play. Yeah, you got to have the powdered wig. You got to have the musket.

You can shoot at it. The nativity. No, bro. That's just a baby mama. up, bro. January 30th, Jackson's leaving this funeral. He shoots him,

misfires, okay? Draws a second gun. Seven seconds later, yeah, yeah. That second gun also misfires. Both of them jam up. Clicks them together. It becomes a machine gun, dude. Playing numbers,

he goes, yo, two. Yo, that's goofy. Yeah, people, sometimes people go, how do you do that? And it's like, here's the thing, bro,

just watch. What is fucking, He tried it. Yeah. Didn't work. And unfortunately, when Jackson discovered what was going on, like he turns around, he's like, yo, what's everyone yelling about?

This guy's got two guns on the ground. Both of them picks him up, fucking wailing him around. Nothing's coming out. He goes and attacks Richard with his cane. Starts beating him. Guy's a cane? Andrew Jackson has a cane. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Starts beating his would-be assassin with the cane until the crowd pulls him off. Jackson was 68 at the time. Crazy. That's really good. his trial, Richard was deemed insane, would spend the rest of his life in different hospitals until he died in 1861. Smart.

Right? Smart. Would you plead insanity? Yes, bro. What are you talking about? Yeah, that's fair. Here's the thing is, I'm comfortable in my, like, in my own space. Like, if you, if you, like, tied me up, I get it, you threw him in a white room.

It's like, I still kind of prefer that over prison. Really? Yeah, a little bit. And also, like, not everybody gets a stray jacket. You just got to while out. No, that's crazy. You would go crazy. You would go crazy if you're in a white room.

At some point. Like, everyone that. I've ever talked to that's been in solitary, they go, you have to, like, read books or, like, do Suduco or some shit, or else you just lose your mind. Which I do. What's the last book you read? No, Sudoku.

Reading nuts, but I'll give me a couple numbers, man. I feel like you just do crosswords and fill numbers in. Yeah. Like, you don't even know. Yeah, 4, 4, 4, 4. I just do crosswords of just numbers. Capital of Norway, 0, 5, 6, 4. That's what it is, dude.

Dude, there's all sorts of, basically, if you're a public figure, if you're a famous person in any capacity, you've had an assassination attempt put on you. If you're like a president of a country, 100%. Oh, put on you. Yeah, yeah. But like, that's fine. That's like that's fine, bro.

Yeah, because like there's always going to be people that are home. They're like, bro. Like right now, all jokes, not a political figure. Kanye, you don't think there's a couple Jews in a tunnel. Oh. This devising a plan. Just digging away. Yeah, you've seen his shirt.

Yo, that is great. Wait till we come out in the sunlight, right? That is crazy. Wait till we catch you in broad daylight. Be honest. It's Shabbat right now. You lucky. If they talk shit like that, that would be fine.

He did wear the swastka on a Friday. I don't know if you know this. Yo, be outside. Just made that out. It might have been. It might have been Shabbos. It might have been Shabbos. If they said that, they were like,

yo, let me catch you. Let me catch you out in these tunnels. Yeah, I'll see you in the streets when these candles fucking up. They probably do have muskets. To be honest with you. Musk. Musket. The Hasidic Jews, they just pump up their muskets.

For sure. Yeah. But yeah, if they got Kanye, I feel like a lot of people would be like, if it was a Hasidic Jew. Yeah. Also, anything politically, it's like, it splits a country. Like, it doesn't matter how you see it. Like, even when you look at like the most lopsided votes are always like 60, 40. There's still like 40% of people who are like, fuck that guy. Yeah, yeah.

There's enough people to be like, there's got to be a couple crazies. But be honest, if Hasidic Jews caught up to Kanye and took them out, would people be mad? First of all, but Hasidic Jews don't fist fight. Okay, so it's like. But if? Huh? If Massad gets them, that's different. That doesn't count because those guys are terrifying.

Yeah, yeah. But if it's just like a, if it's your landlord, pulls up on Kanye, yeah. That guy's got to be, like, raised here. Oh, yeah. He's a Brooklynite. Yeah, you're not going to get, like, a Jew from Poland. Yeah, yeah, you're not going to get a Jew from Poland.

You got to be King's County. You know what I mean? He goes, if I beat this, he's thinking too much. He's like, if I beat this guy up, they're going to call it a black on white crime. Oh, that's a good point. That's going to be Brooklyn riots all over. again. He was like, no one's going to give me the credit.

They're just going to think I'm racist. Yeah, remember we were talking about Louis, King of France? Yes. Well, there's another guy. Louis the 15th, the guy right before the guy with the high heels. Famous assassination attempt. 1757. This guy, Robert Francois Damienz, had maybe one of the weakest efforts you can imagine, okay?

Here's how the story goes. A cold, snowy night, January, 1757. Damien's approached. the king, passing his guards, just walks past him. Secret Service at the time was pretty lax. Yeah. Seems like you could just walk past the guy. This is the guy that did it.

Yeah, but that guy looks like he's down. Angry. He's down, bro. See that knife in his hand? Yeah. This will come in a little later. He walks past the guards, takes out this little penknife, stabs the king in the side.

You would think that's a pretty good assassination attempt, right? Sort of. Unless he's wearing armor. bang better can we pull up a picture of louis the 15th you go better nine pack diesel just rip yeah good luck getting past these crunches yeah yeah if he's built like you which for the record can we just talk about your Instagram no let's not do this bro you're literally this just been pissing me last time I saw you bro you came out to me with a shirtless picture yourself you said me too I got to tell someone you know I mean I can't put on I'm look

look your Instagram's been piss me off okay I see these pictures you look in diesel looking shredded cute as hell yeah but I see you've seen you've been You're like, yo, yo, yo, me too. You're about your shape. I'll do that. No, no, no. Compared to you, bro, I got nothing. Me and you outside, bro, can move a whole house.

Yeah, we should start a comedy fitness class. Yeah, just fucking in a U-Haul. Yo, imagine, would you want to do that with me? We do a spin class. We teach it, okay? Or we do like a high-intensity interval training, okay? Like a CrossFit type thing, but we just roast people the whole time. That's fun.

So it's we do stand-up. We just riff. But roast, like what? Does it have to be a bathroom? like can we like just straight up low hanging fruit. Yes. Look at this fucking fat whale. Yes.

That's the whole fitness class. So people are working out. They're doing crunches. Why is your shirt so small? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. I'm telling you, low hanging fruit.

Yeah. No, we just roast them. But what's the best motivation? Negative reinforcement. Is it? You know what? I'm going to go ahead and agree. My sister was obese.

I made front of her a lot growing up. And where is she now? Skinny. Relationship. Eating a supporter. apartment. Yeah, but it worked. Heavy drugs.

Nothing. But I'm an apartment. Yeah, there you go. I own apartment. Coke addiction. Like, who, you know what I mean? Yeah. Good with the bad.

Also, very funny when she was fat. She's like, it's a thyroid thing. I was like, sure it is. And then it was a thyroid thing. Yeah, I'm the bad guy. Yeah. No, that happens. But you had your heart was in the right place.

Yeah. Well, I don't know if you knows, bro. Have you ever seen a thyroid diet? Like a diet for like people who have, like, thyroid? No. Yeah, some of it doesn't make sense. She'd be like, I'm, like, losing weight. that she'd eat like a fucking pint of vanilla ice cream.

I was like, come on, you. I was like, yo, between me and you, I don't care where you're Googling this. Hold on, let me find a thyroid diet real quick. Just type of, yo, thyroid diet with vanilla ice cream. I'm not kidding, that's the one my sister was doing. Thyroid diet? Okay, oh, come on.

We need to do ice cream on it? Okay, for people with thyroid conditions, ice cream and other dairy products may need to be limited to avoid their iodine content. So this bitch, a lot. Yeah, you got to call her up. Yo, time out. That's even more impressive.

That means she was working twice as hard. Yeah, hell. Think about that. Yeah, outside of ice cream, bro, locked in. That's wild. I mean, that makes me want to work out. When I eat terrible one day, I just eat like shit all day, the next day I'm like, I'm fast and I'm doing carnival.

I'm working out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I wish I could like force myself to throw out. Yeah. You have an eating disorder. No, I don't, but I wish I knows. days. Oh, you're too soft to have an idiot disorder. That's the thing, man.

Like, I gag when I brush my teeth, so it's like, there's no fingers. Stop it, bro. New Yorkers are so annoying. You guys try to prove how straight you are all the time. That's not straight. Yes, it is. That's kind of gay. No, you guys are so, you're like, too, I'm so straight. I can't be brushed my teeth. Well, here's the thing is, is, do I have a 14-inch toothbrush? Yeah, what do you brush? Here, let me see your toothbrush. I'm, I'm nine inches deep, bro. I'm like, bro. I'm like, bro, this shit makes me gag, bro. Your toothbrush is a giant black dildo. I'm like, yeah, dude.

That's going to make you gaggle. Hey, bro. My fucking throat hurt. You got that oral d, you know what I'm saying? What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick because I want to talk to you about the most discreet coolest way to curb your nicotine cravings. And that's right here with Zippics.

You probably see me chomping on a couple of these toothpicks. During the episodes of this podcast, I like to use a little bit of nicotine when I'm locking in on a long-term conversation with someone trying to figure out the, you know, deep meanings of life and aliens or even consciousness. I also like it when I'm trying to write. sometimes right before I go on stage, I find that it just gives me a little bit more of a locked-in feeling. I can focus for a little bit longer. There's even been some studies to show that nicotine has improved aspects of fine motor skills, attention, and auditory processing and memory. So if you're

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promo code Gagnon. That's right, G-A-G-N-O-N-N, get 10% off. I also should look. let you know that you have to be 21 years old or older to order. Also, nicotine is an addictive chemical, so please use it wisely, only as much as you need. Now let's get back to the show. What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick because I need to tell you about how you are potentially entitled for some compensation. That's right. You may have been injured without even knowing it. And I think statistically most Americans have been injured by this. We know that our food is poison. Many of these companies, these massive conglomerates, are pumping our food with stabilizers and gums and other processed chemicals that are legal in most other countries,

but for some reason in America, they are fully legal, and they are allegedly causing many health problems. That's a very small alleged. I actually just read a book about this, ultra-processed humans. It's fascinating that the processed chemicals that are going into our foods are terrible for you. I mean, if you were to take a baked cookie and a cookie that's filled with processed preservatives, even if they have the same exact nutritional profile, the one with the preservatives, and all the gums and stabilizers and ultra-processing chemicals is going to be worse for you by a far, far margin. So if you have been exposed to many of these ultra-processed foods,

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That's right. Morgan and Morgan, America's largest law firm. I mean, they have, you know, handled thousands of thousands of cases, recovered billions of dollars for their clients. And now they are targeting the ultra-processed food giants of the world. Okay. So if you or your child has been diagnosed with one of these diseases that I mentioned before, you may have legal options. They have helped thousands of families seek justice against these big corporations, and they are ready to fight for you as well. So if you were interested, go to For the People.com. com slash gagnon. That's right. That is F-O-R-the-people.com slash gagnon if you're interested in potentially hearing more about the way that these companies can be affecting you and your health and the health of your family and how you may be entitled for compensation because of that. Now, I do have to disclose this is a paid advertisement. Now let's get back to the show. Yeah, you're supposed to avoid sugary foods in a thyroid diet, avoid processed foods. You're supposed to eat lean proteins, Selenium-rich foods like Brazil nuts I think your sister was just going through something

but shout out to her It sounds like she's a lot better And you have something to say for it So that's good Yeah no I'm gonna hit her up Back to Louis the 15 Yeah So this guy gets stabbed right

Right in the side Damien's didn't think the plan over Okay because he used a very tiny blade And on a cold night The King of France Who can afford anything he wants Was wearing a ton of layers He was wearing like a shirt

Anything he wants except for heat You know me? Throw the fuck in the heat on, bro. Bro, there's no heat. What are you going to do? You got to light of fire or something. But he's just suited up, 10 coats, and the blade hits his jacket, doesn't go through.

It just kind of like pokes him. Yeah. Louis XIV, huge drama queen, after he's stabbed, he believes that he's going to die. So immediately he turns to his wife and starts apologizing, profusely. He starts crying, says, I'm sorry, I cheated on you. God, bro.

Yeah It's like a guy who tries to kill himself And then all this is break his legs Everyone's way more mad He's got this whole note Like I did this because of you And I'm sorry for this thing And everyone just reads the note

They're like bro, you wrote this And he's like, yeah It was a bad Suicide note was still alive Yeah, that's the worst Yeah I thought four Tylenols would do it Yeah my bad I didn't realize

I just felt amazing Forget the shit I said on the third sentence Yeah yeah Crazy I was wilding You take four tunnels Like jump off a bridge Break your leg But you don't even feel it

You're like, dude, I feel great. That's great. These tiles are kicking it. Also, four is probably too little. I'm not. I've taken two on a headache. I go, it's not doing much. You're an empty stomach.

It might help. Ultimately, Louis XIV is okay. And the blade didn't pass through more than a half inch. It did poke him and he started bleeding a little bit. And Louis XIV went on and, yeah, just lived the rest of his life. Damien's was executed two months later for the assassination attempt. But Louis the 15th, just having... Two months is a lot of time.

For sure, torture. You got to, like, torture that guy. Probably got a little torture. A little waterboard. He had to go probably do trial, you know, the whole deal. Trial's crazy. Yeah, like, did you stab this guy? He's like, no.

Come on, you tried. No, I didn't do it. Yeah. Not me. But yeah, Lou the 15th, on the other hand, had to go. Is that how they killed him? Whoa, before the judge. Oh, wow.

So he must have just been crazy and they had him tied down on a mattress. That looks sexy as hell. That's really funny. To be tied down. Like, did you do it? it. He's like, well, can you untimmy? Yeah, y'all, yo, first of all, y'all, y'all while now. First of all, this seems like a lot. First of all, whose rope is this?

Yeah, why do you guys just have bondage material? Y'all, who's new rope, bro? I could smell the last guy on this rope, bro. You killed. I feel like if you're already tied down in front of the judge, your odds are not that great. No, and that's a futon, bro. They didn't even give him a bed. Like, has anyone ever been tied down in front of the judge? And the judge was like, hey, this was a big misunderstanding. Yeah. And you're free to go. You're good, bro. Yeah, I don't think it's ever happened. If they tie you down, it's just like how long?

They carry you out on the futon still tied up. You see me free. That's how they take them out. A-Sah Rocky is just being carried out. You see me free, bro. Oh, man, we got another one here. This one is wild. That's a wild way to take someone to trial, though.

I hope your followers, they can see this, right? Do you guys post the images? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's absurd. Yeah, that's not a good look. Imagine you're this guy's lawyer. Bro, I don't even want my girlfriend to ask me questions like that, bro, let alone fucking... Yeah, I would confess to anything.

Yeah, I don't like that. Also, like, I just don't like being vulnerable, bro. Like, I grew up around like too many, like, boys and athletes, bro. You time me down, I go, bro, someone's going to punch my dick. I'm telling you all right. You're sitting in, you're sitting in court. You're like, yo, for real, though? Yo, no one punched my dick.

Um, oh, we got, this one, this one's interesting. I've actually, I don't know this one. This one is given to me by a friend of mine who helps you do research on the pod. Louis the 19th. No, my buddy, Zach. My buddy Zach. He's a good old boy from Mississippi. Nice.

There you go. Anyhow else we do research. And this one happened 1997. So, as a retaliation for the Mahan Yehuda market bombing in July, 1997, this was an attack by Palestinian suicide bombers on a major market in Jerusalem.

The Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ordered two Israeli Mossad agents to assassinate Mishal, who was, at the time, the Jordanian chief of the Palestinian Sunni Islamic political party, which I think turned into Hamas. The agent entered the city using Canadian passports and waited for Mishal at his office.

As he was entering, one agent injected a chemically modified toxin called Levenofentanol into his left ear. I'm assuming Leveno fentanyl, that's just... He looks at his assistant. He's like, dude, you got to suck it out my car. He's like, I don't think that's how it works, but I'm telling you, man.

Dude, you have to blow me to complete shit, bro. I'm inject with fentanyl, dude. Yeah, dude, come on. You know I'm going to die. Dude, so this is where it gets crazy. Who am I going to tell? Yeah, I'm a Muslim. I'm the head of the Sunni.

I'm the head of Hamas. I'm not going to tell people you top me off. You know I don't want this. Yeah, I'm not going to go and put it on news. There's bros, bro. Yeah, trying to save my life. Bros before hoes. If I got bit by a snake, would you suck it out?

From where? If I got bit in my ear. But why am I sucking it out from? I'll say this. I'll suck your ear. Okay, you would? Yeah. Your ear, that's fine.

I got bit in the chest. I'll suck your chest. I got bit in the thigh. Bro, everything but your cock. Really? My fucking dog, bro. I respect that. Don't while out, but you get bit of your dick.

I'll be like, yo, why were you exposed like that, you know? That's a good point. Problem number one, it was out of here whiling out. You got to protect. Cover the nuts if you're around a snake. Yeah, why would you go to Black's Beach in San Diego? You know it's a new beach. Yeah, that is my fault.

Yeah. This is what happens, okay? Mishal's chauffeur saw what was going down and hit the poisoned, the would-be assassin with a newspaper, and a security guard chased the agents once they escaped their car. The two were apprehended, and King Hussein of Jordan forced Netanyahu to hand over an antidote by getting none other than Bill Clinton to persuade him. Whoa.

That's wild. First off, beating some of the newspaper. I don't think that's ever worked. Yeah, no. And this is the one time it worked. Unless that guy's a dog. Unless that guy just shit on the floor Unless it just peed off his wee-wee pad, bro, I don't think

The chauffe first saved his life in the straightest way possible Beats him with a stick Or just like a newspaper, just gets him off And then calls up Bill Clinton and like, yo, get us the antidote immediately And apparently he handed it over Wow, that's the dude right there That's wild Injecting him in the ears, that's a tough look

Also, how do you get to the ear? You know what I mean? Like if you're going to inject anything You were that close to his head, bro. You just knife, like a something, right? You're right there. I wonder if they try to do it like sneaky. That's mad funny.

If they're like, yo, you know, assassination attempt, here's a spoon. Yeah. You're like, yo, whoa, come on. I need a little something. Let me get the right weapon. Also, dying off fentanyl would kind of be chill as hell. Is it?

Yeah, it's like, it's an opioid, I think. Yeah, but do you just, like, do you feel it? Is it like, because isn't it like, I've seen like videos or like pictures of like people who like have passed away into like purple, like deeply. Once they're dead. No. of course, but someone who dies of natural causes, it does not look like that.

Like, that just looks like their body was like, it's close to exploding. When did you see it? I don't know. I seen like an image before, though. And they were like, yeah, like puffy face purple. But if you're already dead. And on the way out, you were on heroin? Well, heroin is like chill.

That's what this is. Apparently, according to Google, I've never done Levo Fentanyl. I've never tried it. Yeah, me neither. I've never even been around it. No, yes, I swear. I feel like The way you're saying it makes it

Not even once All right Not even once Actually this is this is crazy I one time we were walking by a park In like Lower East Side I don't know if you knows A bunch of people in Tompkins Square Park

Do heroin There's like a fucking section of the park Where they just let them do it Which I guess It's crazy You'll walk by You're like this is nuts Just clean up after yourself

Everybody looks like they're plugging to the Matrix though You're like walking by And everyone's just kind of like back And you're like he's fighting My rule with doing fentanyl in public is the same as like a Puerto Rican doing a barbecue. Yeah. Fine by me.

Someone bring beers. Bring some beers. Tidy it up. When you leave, just bring the cooler with you. Yeah, dude. Someone bring Modellos. That's my only request. If you guys are going to be doing fentanyl, bro, someone bring a six pack of Modella.

Let me join. Yeah. I mean, I'm just not ready for the age, but maybe, you know. Yeah. Maybe I'll have a three beers. Ask me again. Exactly. How many beers are you due to be deep to be like, yeah, I'll shoot this in my arm.

Who gives a shit? Oh, man. I don't think any, man. I've never done like a hard drug But you've never been offered when you're off your ass But like even on like cocaine Like I've been offered like every I've never done a hard drug in my entire life

They just, they scare me. What counts is a hard drug? I love when people say it's a hard drug. Anything that's not natural I would assume. Man made. Okay. So like I've done mushrooms. LSD?

No. Mushrooms and weed. That's it. Beer? Yeah. Sugar. Three pints of ice cream. In solidarity with my sister.

Scream that your sister? I go, dude, this isn't even drugs anymore. Cocaine is technically natural. If it's not stepped on. I've thought about this, I'm not getting. If I go to Columbia. See, this is how it happens. But I haven't done it.

But this is how it starts. But if I went to Columbia and like somehow, some way it's the night of our lives, I've seen my friends who don't do drugs do it, I'm like, all right, you guys don't do this. I go, everyone's having a good time. Maybe. It might be worth checking it.

Yeah. That's fair. Because it is just a drug. Like, at the end of day, like, if it's, like, clean, there's, I mean, there's fun to drugs. Like, the point of, like, mushrooms. You know, the dudes in Peru, they chew on cocoa leaves all day. Oh, I mean, it's crazy. Like, it helps them with altitude is what they say.

What is cocoa? It's kind of like tobacco. Yeah, can you search Peruvian cocoa leaves? Yeah, that's just because they haven't discovered zen. You know, go back to the last Google really fast. Do you see this? What does it feel like to be on heroin? Help is available.

Speak with somebody today is very funny. Yo, compass at Gabe's laptop. Yeah, text. Also, who has a three-digit number, bro? If you got a-9-8-8? If you're in trouble. I don't trust that. Yeah, that logic song is way shorter now.

Yeah, that guy's not in this country. The help line? That feels like a foreign... Yeah, if you got to dial plus one, you get some help. That's a four number. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, why is this guy on customer service helping me all the way in Chennai Indies? So you're feeling very sick, very sad.

I go, I'm sorry, man. I don't even... I go, it was just, if you were doing that... You're doing cocaine, doing Halloween. I go, are you shaking your head right now? Be honest. He goes, no. Yes, sir, I am.

Dude, if that's where the suicide helpline was, you call India. Like, don't do it, sir. Don't jump off the region. Don't do it. Don't do it. Come on, man. Don't jump off the breeze. I go, dude, where do you live?

That's the first day I'd ask. I'm in Bangalore, India. I feel like, I, word, word, word. How are you doing? How's like everything? I'm doing very, very good stuff. family. I have two children, also, that'd be crazy if a guy in a

hotline doesn't have a family. Yeah, well, what if he's young? What if he's like, oh, so I'm not a... Still, like a young guy shouldn't help someone from suicide and an old guy should have a family. That's... Well, a young guy can help. Right? You call... Hanny? Who is the most optimistic people he knew? Would you ever go to a therapist who's 22?

I'd go to a therapist that was like a kid, 12? Imagine he's like, bro, you just got to go out and get some pussy, bro. You just... Like, I feel like you're overthighing this. Would that not help you? Be honest. He's like, yo, I'm telling you. I feel like you're like, oh, I'm sad. I'm this, bro, you tequila soda. If your therapist was like a 12-year-old who was like,

dude, let's just go skate. Would you not be like, yo, that's a good point? A 12-year-old's got like a good. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they're still innocent. We need more 12-year-old therapist. It's like, bro, why are you, let's just go play football. But here's the problem is that kid helps enough people.

He's now torn up. But then 14 and a half. Where does he go? A 10-year-old therapist. We have six-year-olds helping nine-year-olds. It's a Russian nesting doll of therapy. I like that. Yeah, yeah.

We could make this as a business after we do our... Why that one's so small? Yeah, after we do our comedy... My therapist has to be 5'9. Yeah, we need... Just weird specifications? We need children therapists. I support this.

But yeah, Leveno fentanyl is a synthetic opioid, and it's, yeah, it's been used in research into opioid receptors, and it also was used to try to kill Khalid Michelle. Regardless. Let's talk about Fidel Castro, shall we? What's a fun one? The CIA, allegedly, tried to kill Castro 638 times. I'll say this right now. I can't believe that.

Like, there's got to be something that they're like, maybe a guy. But, like, as an organization, you're going to tell me they can't do it. They can do whatever they want. You would think. But how do you, they tried a bunch of times. They hired Italian mob bosses, Sam Giancana and Johnny Roselli. And they tried to get them. Yeah, but that guy gets to the border of Florida.

He's like, oh, I got to get out of the car. Yeah, bro. You got to take a boat. He goes, nah, I don't sail. You try to get me on a boat? Yeah, I just drove 26 hours from Brooklyn. And you're going to put me on a freaking boat. Are you going to put me on a fucking boat?

I'm on a dinghy going to Havana. You want me to go kill a guy? I don't even know this man. Yeah, I got to collect rent tomorrow. Bushwick. Yeah, he's got an army? He's got a whole army of people over there. I'll take out the, you know.

Yeah, this guy doesn't even understand English. Yeah. But this is some of the ways that they've done it. They've tried to take out Fidel. 638 times is crazy. That's absurd. The CIA at one point tried to take advantage of Castro's love of scuba diving by planting mollusk shells that had contained explosive devices into the ocean when he was underwater.

Very funny. I mean, that's hilarious. Very funny. He loves beaches, so we put detonating rocks. I mean, that's fire. Like, bro, just put a landmine. Like, nah, I'm telling you, bro, but if he picks that rock up... Like, who came up with these plots?

Game over for... I'm telling you, he fucking loves astrology. Who came up with these? Like, who tried to be like, yo, how do we kill Fidel? He doesn't pick it up, yo. He's acting wild Capricorn. Also, Cuban people are happy people, which is even funnier. What do you mean?

Like, something about it tells me kind of unfazed. Oh, the Cubanos? Yeah, like after the attempt? Like, after a couple, you got to be like, yeah, whatever, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's the thing. A lot of the Cubans are probably just like, you know, you're not trying to get us.

You know what I mean? Who cares? Oh, dude, here's a couple of them. Ready? 1963, a counter-revolutionary working with the CIA was stationed in Havana, Cuba. Okay? He's working at the Havana Libre Cafe.

He was instructed to poison Fidel Castro's chocolate milkshake. He failed, spilling the toxin in the kitchen of the cafe. Adding insult to injury, the agent had to watch and despair as Castro enjoyed the regular milkshake that he had prepared himself. How funny is that? Genuinely. It's unbelievable.

To be back there and spill it, be like, well, we're not going to not give him one. The clumsy. They bring it out. And the guy who's back, he's like, is that that? He's like, no, man, we spilled the poison. And he fucking ordered it, though. Yeah, we're not going to get tipped. Yeah, we're trying to kill him, but this is a business, man.

Google reviews exist. Yes. What about in 1960, Fidel Castro's, in New York City while he's in New York, his shoes are sprinkled with thallium salts, which were designed to make his beard fallout. It was assumed that Castro would be so upset by this that he would reach for a nearby cigar, which coincidentally had been laced with chemicals. Very Carlos Hernandez. Because I'm losing my hair and it all. Dude, shout out Carlos, bro. Shout out Carlos. Your roommate, Carlos. Yeah. Florida boy. Yeah, he's

balding. Is he? It's going. You guys talked about this? Huh? Did he tell you those incompetence? Products are all over the house. No, come on. You got to look at it. Like, for example, I can look at your hair and be like, oh, nice. And then you look at his hair and you're like, it's going.

Yeah. There's a little bay. Objectively. Yeah, there's a bay of pigs going on his forehead. There's a front line that's recruiting. Hey, bro. Yeah, there's so many. How about this one?

Oh, this one is amazing. They thought that they were going to paint a bomb to resemble a softball. And then they would throw it at Castro. Like a gender reveal? He swings and misses? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Now we'll never know what the baby's going to do.

Which that is the funniest shit in the world. You've seen the one where the guy swings and misses on the gender reveal? Yeah. It's so funny. The failed ones are the best. Which you got to just be a little bit more. Like, dude, do you see the guy? Like, he didn't swing?

No. Yeah, that's a ball. His wife throws. He's like, ump. Yeah, we're having a kid, but I played 16 years collegially. You think I'm swinging at a ball? Yeah. He didn't want to foul out on his daughter's gender.

Bro, this is a record. You're down 02, bro. Got a swing. Anything close, that's what we say. I mean, that's so funny. Just to be like, nah, that was inside. He's pained me right now. He's paying the lines.

You crazy? Oh, they try to contaminate his diving suit with a fungus. produced chronic debilitating skin disease. He just came out brolic. God damn it. Who laced it with sterile? Yeah, there's testosterone all over my suit. Why didn't that word?

I don't know if the diving suit as well as an infected breathing apparatus was meant to be given to Castro by American lawyer James Donovan, who led hostage negotiations with the leader. Also, I like how dictators just out there doing normal shit. That really makes me feel good. Yeah, well, you can't be dictating all of them. Yeah, I'm a dictator, bro, but you're going to tell me you guys don't like a little bit a pickleball.

Yeah. Like, you can't do 24 hours a day, seven days a week dictating. Yeah. You got to chill. You got to find time for you. Like, he probably has a therapist. It's like, hey, you need to make more Fidel time. Yeah, there's one more spot on indoor hoops.

You know what I'm going to take it? Yeah. They're literally hooping a gree point in a half and a half. They need me. Yeah. They need, like, it's literally going to be a seven on eight. They need a big man. Like, who, like, what do you want me to do?

Um, oh, this was a, this was a great one. Marita Lorenz was one of Castro's mistresses. She tried to kill him? Lorenz told Vanity Fair in 1993 that while she was Castro's lover in the late 50s, she was recruited as a contract agent for the CIA

tasked with assassinating the Cuban leader. She was given two toxin pills to drop in Castro's brain. Very funny for her to speak to CIA. She's like, oh, you mean Tuesday? This is a Latino woman. I have a bigger knife. He's like, oh, that cheating son of a bit?

Is that all you're giving me, bro? I have a machete. He doesn't. any time for me. Okay, so I think we should take him out. He was out last night until 9 p.m. No text. I'm glad you called, actually. I was already thinking about this. Apparently, this is what happens.

She gives him the pills, or she gets the pills. One would kill him in 30 seconds, but she gets cold feet. She says, in the interview, I knew the minute that I saw the outline of Havana, I couldn't do it. She says, even if she wanted to kill him, she botched the job. She stashed the pills

in a cold cream jar that made them gunky and unusable. They melted. And so she goes in the bathroom and she's like going through the pills, da-da-da-da. And according to her, this is what Fidel does.

He leans over and pulls out his 45 and hands it to me. He didn't even flinch and he said, you can't kill me. Nobody can kill me. He kind of just smiled, chewed on a cigar,

and she said, you're right. He just grabbed me and then we made love. Tough. That's got to be the hardest she ever came. Yo. Yo.

Got to be. If she doesn't come from that, dude, nothing's going to work. You can't murder me. Nothing's going to work, bro. But I can murder this pussy. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

There's a bunch of others. The poison. You can't murder me, but I can make you bleed. Yeah. There's a bunch of other crazy ones. Yeah, I mean, like the... To make sweet, beautiful love after that is so tough. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, she was Latino, bro. Like, to get... Get that deep into an argument and be like, you know what? This could all be solved by fucking is tough. And it probably could. I mean, it worked. She lived, he lived. Castro ended up living his entire life.

And I think just died of old age. Isn't that crazy? That is absurd. Yeah, he dies in 2016. Yeah, I know he died kind of recently. Is that when we lifted the annex in Cuba? I don't know. I think there's still technically an embargo.

Because people still going, huh? You can go, I guess. But I think you got a visa. But like, I don't think you can buy, like, Cuba. cigars legally. I think. I think you've got to like go to Mexico, buy them from there and then bring him over.

Interesting. That's what my dad does. That's tough. They sell them in Europe and he just like scoops up a ton of like, uh, like, uh, cohabas. But at that point is, the, the, day doesn't feel Cuban?

Oh, it still feels very Cuban. My dad is the most Cuban, French Canadian. Well, he lives in Florida. Yeah. It's assimilating. Bro, I didn't understand my father until I lived in South Florida for four months. Until I saw him in all white. Bro, literally like, my dad, my entire childhood would just like,

He would wake up. He worked a lot in Europe, but he would do calls when he was in Florida. Like when he was in Florida, it was just all remote. So he would like wake up. He'd be on the phone at like six in the morning. Just like talking French. Scheduling assassinations? I thought he was in the CIA.

But he was like on the phone 6 a.m. He would just be like walking around the pool in just like a muscle tank top and like short running shorts. Listening to dance music in the background. He was like listening to like Cascade and Avichi just like blasting through the house. Six in the morning. And he's just walking around outside on the Bluetooth. very Ari Gold of him. Bro.

He had like a chain and then he would get done with the call and then just go work out outside in the yard. Yeah. In the sun. Speak French. Oh my goodness.

It was amazing. And then he would just like have a glass of wine, be working out while he's drinking. Like just like... It sounds like you're trying to fuck your dad. You go, I'm telling you man, chisel glistening.

Right. He was just a beast. You go right amount of chest hair. I'm like, what are we talking about? I didn't understand the guy until I moved to South Florida and lived there in 2020 for four or five months. Yeah.

And while I was down there, I swear to God, at one point, I'm walking around the pool, listening to dance music, on the phone, and then I go workout in the sun. Same, I didn't even put the two and two. I didn't even put it together. My wife was like, are you doing your dad's workout? Yeah. You're doing Francoisle's workout.

You yo daddy's son, and then your wife goes. Hey. You yo daddy son. That's crazy. He died in 2016. There's a chance Fidel Castro listened to a little pump. Is there? Yeah.

No. It's very possible. He might have listened to like X. You gotta think what rappers were popping in 2016 There's no way that guy listens to anything That wasn't Spanish music

Maybe bad bunny Was he popping in 2016 though? He was a guy already He was doing his thing I don't know if he was like He was actually He was probably listening to Who's a

Daddy Yankee Daddy if he for sure Has been gasoline Bro That's crazy to think That Fidel was just A Daddy Yankee Um

Oh here's an assassination Attempt that probably Should have gone through Adolf Hitty The old Hiddle Hitler, man. The big age. They call them.

Yeah. Basically, this is what happens, all right? There's a bunch of assassination attempts made on Adolf Hitler. There's one Operation Valkyrie. The plot, cooked up by German resistance, involved a briefcase filled with explosives to be planted next to Hitler in a meeting. It was foiled when the briefcase was unwittingly moved by General Major Heinz Brantt.

redirecting the blast and killing Brant and three other men, none of whom were Adolf Hitler. All of those involved in the July 20th plan were executed and Hitler only suffered a perforated eardrum as a result of the attack. Very funny. Wild. Now I can't listen to EDM.

Exactly. You can't listen. Yeah, the beat doesn't even drop as hard anymore. Yeah, no, if you're listening to a song with stereo, you're just like, damn it, dude. That's the only one? But that's the only one I think that, like, damaged them. There's a bunch of others that just, like, didn't work. Yeah, that's crazy.

Foyled. I mean, kind of wild. Also, it makes you realize I'm like either the security for like obviously some of these like top political figures in the world has got to be fucking crazy. Yeah.

Because like you'll see them on the street. You're like, oh, there's six people. There's also 19 guys with snipers on the block. Like it's that. Well, have you seen like the Secret Service guys that have the fake hands? No. Search Secret Service agent fake hands.

So this still goes on today. Like I'm pretty sure America does. Like every country does it. You can see on the right this ball dude those hands. Oh, yeah. Fake. No, 100%.

So he's in a suit. I think his head is fake also. Either that or he has arthritis. Yeah, which is not who you want protecting it. But he's got two guns underneath his coat that he's walking around with with these fake arms. That way, if any shit busts out, he's got his hand on the trigger already. That's fucking nuts. Crazy, right?

Also, if something does bust out, bro, that's a highlight real. Like, that's going on ESPN. Like, the way he'd bust out of that jacket would be so tough. You'd look like Dr. Octopus. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like eight arms? and shit, maybe crazy.

But yeah, that's how guys are still doing it to this day. This is why I'm, like, not fully on board with, like, time travel. Because if time travel was real, then there would have been way more assassination attempts on Hitler. Right? Yeah. Like, there would have been thousands. Yeah.

They've been like, yeah, some guy flew to this art school. Also, we just wouldn't know about him. Like, there'd be a certain point where we were just, like, history's changed. The ripple effect, right? Exactly. The idea of, like, he's gone. That would be fucking nut because we wouldn't know. They should make that movie.

The time travel that goes back in time. The time travel that goes back in time. And then from Hitler's perspective, where it's just like people coming out of these like time portals trying to kill him or his whole life. He's like 12 years old doing art. Or a guy who was stuck in interstellar, a nerd who was stuck in interstellar in history class.

And he's like, why aren't you guys bringing up Hitler? Everyone's like, what do you mean? Yeah. Who's that? Oh, you mean the painter? What's up, guys? We're going to take a break really quick because I'm sitting here in my beautiful tent.

as you can see, every week, day in, day out. And people always ask, they say, Mark, how do I have a tent like that? I want to sit in a beautiful tent and invite a lover, a friend, you know, someone that I appreciate and adore. I want to give them a good time inside my tent. Well, it's easy. Thanks to the good folks over at bluechew.com. That's right. Bluechu is the original OG brand offering chewable tablets. And what do these tablets do? Oh, I'm glad you asked. They are going to give you the, just an a stronger, harder, and longer-lasting sexual performance. That's right. They're going to help you pitch a tent any place, anywhere.

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could use Blue Chew. And we have a special deal for the listeners of this program. That's right. Try your first month of Blue Chew for free. That's right. Completely free. Mark, is it going to work for me? Is this? Hey, it's free. Why not just try it? Visit Bluotchew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring this podcast. All right. Now let's get after it. And let's get back to the show. But yeah, dude, this 42 attempts, this one perforated's ear drum, which is actually kind of funny the thing about Hitler, like being hard of hearing. No one ever talks about. Yeah, well, that's how he screamed.

Everyone was like, that gave him. Yeah. I was like, bring it down a little. He's angry. No, bro, he just can't hear. A lot of yelling. He's like, huh? What? Yeah. I can't. What did you say? That was just a lot. Oh, how about this one? This one is on Charles de Gaulle. The Hitler one still blows my mind. Because that feels so, like, primitive. The idea of, like, we're going to leave this bomb here when he walks in. bro, what are you talking about? That's not a bad idea.

Also, who put the bomb? Did they say? Yeah, I mean, some random German resistance guy. Oh, okay. His name's Oberst Claus von Stauffenberg. Yeah, yeah. Seems like a fake German. Yeah, very fake.

Corporate Claus von Stauffenberg? Yeah. But yeah, he put it down. It's not the worst idea. If it worked, I mean, it killed some other people. You know what I mean? Has it? I mean, it killed the three guys that took the briefcase away.

So, I had it just stayed right there. It would have worked. I guess The thing about stuff like that Like I said it's like If I'm that big of a like a political figure And you know there's assassination attempts coming Anything that's in my room that I didn't put there

You know what I mean? Like you ever I've done this before where it's like I had a roommate one time Like this is years ago And I just I knew they were like going to my room Like grabbing shit like dumb shit But they were just like going to my room

So one day like I left and I just took a picture And I came back And I was like well that's out of place and that's out of place and that's out of place. I mean, one way you can test this is... The thing on the door? Yeah, you put, like, some coins on the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or, like, I mean, you can put tape on the door, but that might be hard to close the door. Yeah, also the person can see the tape. Well, if you put on, like, the outside, like, ran the corner. I heard you know what I mean, like just a white piece of tape. And then someone opens it. But doing my luck, it wouldn't rip. It would just, like, peel off.

But then you could see it, because if it closes, it wouldn't stick back on. It puts back on. Yeah, it's perfect. All your things are gone. You're like, what the fuck? No tape is it. Is it some time travel?

Had they been coming under my window? Yeah. No, I think you just put like a little clear tape on the corner, double secure it, and then maybe even perforated a little bit. You've seen those videos on TikTok about people being like, you have to check all the things in a hotel room. And people will do like things like around like the doorknob. They check like the black lights, the outlets, the bot. Like it's like they don't want like the video camera in there?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it's like weird. Yeah, it's a lot. Like at some point to be like, like, what are they? gonna find? That's my question. What are you doing in this hotel room? What are you doing in a hotel that you feel like you need to check everything? Just go to sleep, bro. Yeah. Right? Like, okay, what? They get you naked? Yeah. Beat off under the sheets. Yeah. Like, under a tent. Like you're reading a book.

Everything else, you should be fine. Yeah. You're reading a book with a flashlight in the 90s, you know? I generally think that's the only thing I'd be like, yeah, I don't want to be caught. Just like beating my meat on a hotel bed, but it's like, just go under the sheets. If you're that scared. But at the same time, that's also what hotels are for. But just jerking off. Oh, yeah. Don't, don't, don't. I have a rule. I have a rule, but, I have a rule, bro, don't touch the curtains. Wait, what happens on the curtains? Hey, they don't change those.

What are you doing on the curtains? What am I doing? What are other people doing, bro? It's the one thing in the room that's not changed. Furniture? The bed, the sheets are changed. Well, you know they don't change, like, the throw pillows. They change the sheet, the pillow cases.

Not on the throw pillows? Oh, like a throw... Yeah, but, like, bro, if you're sleeping with a throw pillow. But you got to throw all that? If you're worried about the curtains, you've got to be more worried about the throw pillow. Because that could have been used as a... Like a hip adjuster.

Yeah, underneath the ass. Who knows? Sweat on it. Because you're like, oh, I'm not going to sleep with this pillow, so I'll just put my ass on it. You don't think they throw that in the wash? I don't think so. I'm almost positive.

I mean, I'm not sure. I should have a, like, a hotel helper. But here's the thing is, we don't know, but the curtain for sure is not being changed. Yeah, I mean, that's for sure. But also, I think the curtain's going to have less, uh, it's going to have less human touch. My guess. You think?

Who's getting freaking with the curtain? Here's the thing is, I think if you beat your meat, the first thing you do after is open the curtains. But I'm cool if you beat your meat, wash your hands off, even towel or something. What if you didn't? Okay, there's a little leftover on the side. A little? I'm not just worried about the card.

Yeah. I'm just going to just... A little would be your third night of the day. You get... I grab from the very... You get a guy fresh one nut. Maybe it's a different story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's another interesting failed bomb detonation story. George W. Bush, 2005. Jay Buggy. There's this guy waiting. for the United States President Georgia B. Bush and the Georgian president to speak at Belisi Central in Georgia, the country, not the state. When Bush began speaking, he threw a Soviet-made grenade wrapped in a red handkerchief toward the podium where Bush was addressing the crowd. The grenade landed 60 feet from the podium near where the president of Georgia was sitting

with his wife and other officials. The grenade failed to detonate. Although original reports indicated the grenade was not live. It was later revealed that it was. After the guy pulls the pin and throws the grenade, it hit a girl in the head, cushioning its impact. The red handkerchief remained wrapped around the grenade and it prevented the striker lever from releasing and killing the first lady, Laura Bush, the Georgian president and anyone else around because it never detonated. The Jordan security officer quickly removed the grenade and the president of Georgia disappeared. The guy says that he threw the grenade towards the head so that Shrapna would fly behind the bulletproof

glass. Neither of them learned of the incident until after the rally. Also, great throughout. Yeah, I don't know how far he threw it. That's a good question. We got to see how far was that, I mean... Also very funny, but like, yeah, I meant to hit her head. Yeah. He doesn't want to get called soft.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried. That's what I was aiming for. Yeah, I tried. Yeah. Come on. You know me, man. I hate that girl. Yeah, that's my ex. Yeah, I don't... Oh, the president was there? I didn't even know. Notice, president? Nah, who gives us? I was going for that girl.

Yeah. Speaking of women, remember when I said that there were some women that were would-be assassins? Gerald Ford. 1975 had two assassination attempts in short order. General Ford succeeds President Nixon after he resigns in 74. He was attacked twice within two weeks in 1975. The first time, Charles Manson's cult follower, Lynette Fromm. aka Squeaky, tried to shoot Ford,

who was visiting Sacramento on September 5th, in order to gain approval of the imprisoned Charles Manson. She was thwarted from firing a shot by Secret Service agents. She was imprisoned and released in 2009. Released is crazy. Is she still out there? Can you search Lynette Fromm today? I mean, that's wild.

Is she still out there? She's a CEO of Pfizer? Yeah, imagine. You're like, bro, this girl really turned her life around. That's amazing. Wow, she's still alive. She needs new headshots. It looks like she's doing stand.

up to the right one. She's at the funny bone? That's crazy. She's on tour? Virginia Beach? That's wild. I think that was her demo. She was released on parole on August 2019, moved to New York, where she and her boyfriend live in a house that is decorated with skulls.

In a 2019 interview, she said, the following about Manson, was I in love with him? Yes, I still am. Bro. She might be listening to this. I found my husband. She might be listening to this boss. Matt, you're her husband? Yeah, but you got to recognize game.

Manson's already dead. You're like, yeah, who cares? That's her old thing. Give it, that's a crazy guy. Charles Manson, legitimately, like, I believe this. Top five, like, scariest-looking people in the world. Oh, yeah, yeah. And his trial, where he's just like...

Just by, like... Who am I? Yeah, just to, like... I'm the wind. Yes, bro. I'm nobody. Scary, bro. Yeah, Charles Manson is like a terrifying-looking dude.

Did you see the Netflix doc? No. There's a new Netflix doc about Tom O'Neill's book called Chaos. that basically ties the link between Charles Manson and the CIA's MK Ultra experiments that they were conducting in San Francisco in the late 60s. Yeah.

And allegedly he was used as a tool, some type of agent of MK Ultra and the CIA, to discredit the hippie movement and the anti-war sentiment that went along with it. Yeah, I don't just know with that haircut either. That's my hair, bro. No, but you got longer hair. Like, here's the thing is,

if you're getting fresh cuts to the shoulder as a man, that's crazy. Yeah, you got bangs. You're getting bangs put on? Like, bro, you can't. Yeah, if you come down and you go, just to the shoulder, bro, what? You're not far off. Out of my shop. You got to chill.

You got to chill. Right now. You're not far. This is crazy. You're not far. I'm very far. Are you still a shortstop? Why is your hair like this?

Softball season is next one. You got to be careful. You got to be careful. I know. There might be a bomb one of those softballs. So that happens on September 5th, all right? Gerald Ford hears about this. He's pretty freaked out.

Whoa. Charles Manson tried to get me killed. September 22nd, he's targeted again by a woman named Sarah Jane Moore, a mentally unstable woman radicalized in San Francisco who fired the gun, but her aim was thrown off by a veteran. Moore was held in the same West Virginia prison

as Squeaky from, the woman from before. They both fuck Manson is what I'm wondering. I don't think Sarah Jane Moore did. Well, if you got two girls, two women, trying to kill a dude, bro, they getting tough. Well, he definitely did. Well, the woman that killed Sharon Tate and the La Bianca murders,

Like the one murder the murders that actually put Manson like into public infamy He convinced these women and also one crazy guy to go and kill Like one of most famous actresses at the time and then just some random family Crazy He convinced him to do it crazy And how did he learn how to do it Viagra or no I don't know if it was confirmed

I don't know I don't know he might have just been you think he was fucker you think you're you think he was raw dog of bitch is that well He might have been I might I mean it would they want to kill somebody I think I think he was having sex with them. I was gotta be a 45 minute pipe session minimum. Yeah, at least. Three, four comms. Plus LSD. Plus LSD. That's the thing.

So he was dosing all of them with LSD. Yeah, you feed a bitch of sandwich and fucker on LSD. Things are different, man. Dude, bacon, LSD tomato. Yeah, you got a BLT from Subway? You got the Manson BLT.

You might do some crazy. If you're all your herbs and cheese, I'm telling you, both. You might do some crazy shit. Don't Chipotle Mayo because this bitch might come before you. unfortunately because of the assassination attempt. That happened at Gerald Ford two attempts back to back.

I mean, that's crazy. Back to, yeah, that's very fucking recent. That's a lot. Oh, Richard Nixon. This is wild. The Watergate scandal is heating up on Nixon, and he's facing another problem in assassination attempt. February 17, in 1974, Samuel B.Y.

CK? Bike? I think it's like how a hood do from the south says back. Yeah, this sounds really close to the K one. Okay, also that. Geez, I mean, yeah. Wait, which one?

Uh-huh. All right. This guy, Samuel Bike, he's an out-of-work tire salesman who blamed Richard Nixon for all of his problems. He tries to hijack a jet from Baltimore

International Airport and fly it into the White House. Bike got on the plane, after shooting a guard at the checkpoint, the pilot and co-pilot tried stalling the desperate Beck who shot multiple times killing the co-pilot. Police outside the cockpit unleashed

a barrage of shots that wounded Beck, then he killed himself. Whoa. That's crazy. Also, why not? What do you mean? If you're already lit up and you still got the gun in your hand,

don't fight back. I don't know. It's like... End it. All these guys are so gay with that, though. I think about Hitler the same way. I'm like, look, Hitler's a terrible guy. He's obviously an evil tyrant, okay?

But at the very end, when everything was coming down, he killed himself. Yeah, but that's kind of fun in a sense. It's like, for example, Madden you made a movie and you're like, I want to piss people off at the end. No justice. Yeah, let's just finish this thing off out of nowhere. Yeah, just. Yeah, you're like, yo, is that the ending? Is there a part two?

They go, he wilded out, bro. Yeah, that was it. I don't, I'm like, dude. Hour and a half into the movie, I'd be tight. You're doing all this shit. You're like, dude, I'm going to kill the president. He's the reason for all my problems. And then you don't even follow through.

There's no follow through. I mean, that's whack as hell. I mean, a car salesman, man, doesn't look like a guy who like, you know, did he want much? Like, what were the dreams? To be like, he didn't follow through. It's like, I'm pretty sure car salesman wasn't the dream job either. How bad is it being a car salesman? Because I look at that, I'm like, it depends.

You work at Major World? What's that? What is Major World? There's just commercials for it. I've never seen a major... The largest used pre-owned dealership in Queens. Oh. Shameless plug.

Yeah. Are you on the payroll of Major World? I mean, I didn't know you're such a diehard Major World guy. That's wild. Tell me more. How long have you been working with these guys? Not long at all, man. They should sponsor this podcast.

Major World, yeah. After that. We should just send them that clip. Dude, those commercials, like we would get some in Florida. You've never seen those commercials? Major World. No, I grew up Florida. We had our own different.

crazy. The one that we had in Florida was Scratch and Dent World. I mean, you don't go there. Can you search Scratch and Dent World commercial? That sounds like Carpenters. These were the all-time greatest guys ever. Scratch and Dent World. It was the name, which I'm going to name my two kids Scratch and Dent. But this was a, yeah, this down in Kissimmee, Florida, Scratch and Dent World.

Ready? Oh, I'm going to need you to put the volume up because these guys are amazing. This was for, like, used home products. So like, here we go. Oh, folks. I'm leave. Whirlpool and Kitchenator liquidating 9,000 brand new scratch-a-dent appliances. At the loop next hello's just 14 days. Scratch and get refrigerators up to 70% off.

Scratch and it ranges and diswashes up to 70% off. Whose wife is that? I don't know. She's got a knee brace and shit. I mean, like, what's going on with the knee brace? They're like walked down the aisle. She's like, I can't. Hold on, Gabe, go back and search Scratch and Dent World commercial Asian guy.

This was the most all-time greatest dude. Oh, yes, this guy, this guy. These white out of box pieces are perfect. But the price, out of box, 1482. I mean, this guy's the man, bro. Also, bro, y'all, quicker cuts, you know? Like, it's about tension. Yeah, but, bro.

Look, look. Yeah, but like, but we waited mad long for that. Dude, his catchphrase, well, keep going. His catchphrase was unbelievable. If you could ever. conceivable having a stainless steel fridge. Today is your day. Half price.

That was four counts. Four times. Half price. If you didn't buy Appliance Direct, you pay too much. That was the whole commercial. That's correct. I would wake up after being on the couch at three in the morning in Florida. And this would be on TV.

They get that guy his lines three weeks before he showed up. Bro, the fact that he spoke. seven words and it was six cuts. Line. Like we were getting at this gym, right? If you didn't buy direct. Every other line was a different angle. If you didn't buy direct, you pay too much.

Okay, yeah, yeah. If you pay too much, fuck. Line. I mean, that's unreal. Yeah, so these guys, like, if this guy wanted to kill Nixon, I'd be like, let's look at what Nixon did. Because I have these guys back 100%. They wanted to kill Nixon.

The Scratch and Dent World guy? The Appliance Direct guy? Dude, I love the Appliance Direct guy. I thought this was global. I thought everyone knew the plan. Also, I do want to say this. We were talking about car dealerships, and then you were like, bro,

but you've got to see these fridges in Florida, right? It's the same vibe. It's the energy is the same. Because if you didn't buy Direct, yeah, your kids fit in both. Yeah. That is true. That is true.

All right, let's do another one, shall we? Benito Mussolini. You ever heard of him? Nice. You've heard of him, right? Of course. What was he famous for? Bad things.

Good answer. Dude, are you media trained? That was very good. Benito Mussolina has had a couple crazy attempts, all right? April 1926. April 1926. Mussolini had just finished giving a speech at the Conference of Surgeons in Rome. He's walking through the Piazza del Campi.

Indoglio, a square at the top of the Italian city's Capitoline Hill, when Violet Gibson, a small, disheveled-looking woman, raised a gun and fired at him at point-blank range. Two chance events presented Gibson from succeeding. First, Mussolini happened to turn his head to look at a group of nearby students who were singing a song in his honor. This caused the bullet to graze the bridge of his nose rather than hit him square in the face. Crazy. Very Trump.

Crazy, right? Very true. That's crazy. Gibson fired another bullet. She had already been dragged to... She fired another bullet. It lodged in her pistol, misfired. By that point, she had been dragged to the ground by a mob.

She was deported to England where doctors declared her insane. Also smart. Fun. Yeah. Crazy, though. In the popular Napoleon Cafe, anarchist Gino Lucetti. He was wounded in the neck by a shot from a pistol following an exchange of shots with a fascist, Alessandro Perfetti, who was shot.

shot in the ear. He went to the ground near Montegnoso, unable to find a doctor prepared to remove the bullet after a few days. Luchetti was smuggled aboard a ship for France where he was finally given treatment. There Luchetti attempted to assassinate Mussolini and it was going to make him famous. Also, these names too Italian, bro. Like get a Vita. Like get like a... Yeah, there's a, there's a, yeah, probably too many Italian names. That's one of my biggest issues with Italy. A lot of Italians. Same. A lot of Italians over there. He stood around near the Portapia, waiting for Mussolini to pass by, when the famous Lancia,

carrying Benito Mussolini drew near. Luchetti hurled a bomb into the side, which smashed through the windscreen, but it failed to explode, bouncing onto the running board, and only exploded when it was some meters away from the pavement. In the ensuing confusion, he sheltered in the... the doorway of a nearby store, and the guards caught up to him punching and kicking him. They found him in possession of a second bomb. He was sentenced to 30 years in prison.

Crazy. A bomb off the windshield. I mean, that's a tough look. Also, if you don't have windshields that, like, a bottle can't go through, get a different car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, that's smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if you're driving around, like, the leader of a country.

Yeah, this should be bulletproof glass. Probably reinforce them a little bit. You know? You got should be in a safe. Probably smart. Oh, how about this one? Andrew Carnegie. You ever heard of him?

Mm-hmm. This is in 1982, okay? There's this guy, Henry Clay Frick. He's second into command, he's second in command to Andrew Carnegie at Carnegie Steel. Frick hated unions. Like all the Gilded Age capitalists hated unions, but Frick truly despised them.

In 1892, his workers went on strike to protest a drastic wage cut. To prepare for the strike, Frick constructed a four-mile-long wooden stockade around the entire factory topped with barbed wire and fitted with rifle holes. When the strikers refused to disperse, he sent 300 armed guards who floated on barges. In the midst of the strike, a young anarchist named Alexander Berkman attempted to assassinate Frick, but his aim was poor, and he missed. Carnegie's deputy was wounded, and Berkman served 14 years in prison. I mean, that's crazy that this guy, while there's a union strike, sends 300 armed guards

like go attack them. That's wild. I mean, why not? You have all the money in the world and you know, like, these guys are messing it up. I'm not talking about the safety of the city anymore. You saw what that guy tried to do to me?

Yeah. Oh, this one is, this one's wild, dude. Edward Longshanks. You ever heard of this guy? No. He was a former king of England. Longshanks, that guy's got to try. Yeah, he's a tall dude.

Here's an interesting thing that happened to Edward Longshanks on his trip to the Holy Land. before being able to head back home and start his new career as the famous King Edward I. There's a mastermind behind this assassination attempt to be a local Mamluk commander. And basically, here's what happens. Around 1270, there's a situation in the Middle East, all right? Jerusalem had been reconquered by the Muslims in 1244, and Aker was now the center of the old kingdom of Jerusalem. The Muslim states were on the offensive under the Malmuk leadership of Babars, and they were

threatening Acre. Edward's men were an important addition to the garrison, but they stood little chance against Baybar's superior forces and initial raid at nearby St. George's. June 1272 in the Crusader City of Acre, the English Prince Edward and his wife, Eleanor, were asleep when a spy came asking to meet with Edward Longshanks. The spy had been a Muslim who converted to Christianity who had been serving the prince soon after his arrival to the Holy Land. Edward gets out of bed, wearing just his underwear, and had the spy brought to see him. According to the account of the Templar of Tire, which happened next was this.

The Saracen met him and stabbed him in the arm with a dagger, making a deep, dangerous wound. Lord Edward felt himself struck, and he struck him with a blow of his fist on the temple, which knocked him senseless to the ground for a minute. Tough. Then Lord Edward caught up a dagger from the table, which was in the chamber,

and stabbed him in the head and killed him. The prince was not yet out of danger. For according to most sources, the assassin's dagger had been covered in poison. One punch. Yeah. Signed that. guy for

NHL. What weight glasses are you fighting? Yeah, put that guy on ice. As the alarm was raised throughout acre, officials and doctors came running to help what happened next

depends on which chronicle you read. One version explains that it was Edward's wife, Eleanor, who saved him by sucking the poison out with her mouth. From where? Might have been his dick.

His orphic. Another account says that an English surgeon was called to operate on Edward and he proceeded to cut. He's only stabbed in the yarn now. Yeah. He, uh, so the surgeon,

came and cut away the infected flesh around the wound. In this story, Eleanor starts to cry, prompting the surgeon to get annoyed and ask that she'd be taken away, since it was better that she would weep now rather than have all of England do it later. What Edward thought of all this has gone unrecorded, and it took several months for Edward to recover once he did. He quickly boarded a ship and returned to England.

Imagine he's in there. They're like, they never released it, but for real, he was like, bro, she's annoying, bro. They're like, yeah, you sure you want to do? He's like, yo, don't put this out of it. But bro, that bitch got me tight. Yeah, it's just, yo, let me die. Yo, every time.

Which story do you like better? She sucked the poison out or that she was crying uncontrollably. And he was like, yo, shut up. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, you like that one better? That one's funny. Your wife cares. And he's like, yo, enough.

I mean, it is annoying if you're a surgeon trying to do surgery. You're like, all, we don't need all this, you know? Also, he's like a king. So they're for sure just doing it like in his living room. No, yeah, for sure. Why does every assassination attempt, why is it always like a single firearm? I mean, what else are you going to use? No, but like a single shot firearm.

Well, yeah, I mean. Yeah, like there's like Glock's that are just like, like just fucking, hey, try seven of them. Your arm's going to swing up, you go aim at the feet, bro. I'm telling you one's going to crack. That is a decent point, to be honest with you. I mean, there's this one of Ronald Reagan, basically the same thing. there's a guy that this guy John Hinkley Jr.

became obsessed with the 1976 film Taxi Driver which starred Robert De Niro. In the film he's this like fucked up anti-hero that wants to assassinate presidential candidates and Jody Foster's also in the movie as like a child prostitute. Hinkley becomes so obsessed with Foster that he moved to New Haven, Connecticut

after finding that she was attending Yale University there and even enrolled in a writing class on campus so he could be close to her. His attempts to make contact were unsuccessful and Hinkley began to grow agitated that she wasn't noticing him, so he came up with a plan to get her attention, assassinate the president. He originally intended to murder Jimmy Carter

but was arrested in Nashville for unlawful possession of a firearm before he could make any attempts on his life. It wasn't until 1981 Ronald Reagan takes office that he carries out his plan. He approaches Reagan outside the Hilton Hotel in D.C. fires six shots at him. Nice. It's a good amount. None hit Reagan directly.

But one bullet did ricochet off of the presidential limousine to hit Reagan in the chest, puncturing his lung and causing serious internal bleeding. Thanks to prompt medical attention, he survived. It's very funny. That's like a dude you're at the park with who like takes a jump shot and he's like, I called banked. He's like, no, you did it, bro.

You bank shot in the president. They did not fucking call bank, bro. The craziest thing. Yeah, you got the shot, but we're not giving you credit. Apparently, he's like goofing around. Reagan gets shot and he's just like goofing the whole time. Like he's getting taken in to get surgery done on him. And the surgeon's about to cut in and Reagan just looks at him and goes,

I hope you all are Republicans. That's very funny And then the surgeon looks at him and goes, Sir, today we're all Republicans. Nice. What a thing to say. Bonus. Right?

That's also very funny to be like, I'm fucking with y'all, I'm literally, I'm good, bro. Yo, y'all thought I'm not him? Y'all, oh. Ah! Y'all fucking with you,

I'm good. I'm chilling. There's so many other failed assassination attempts, probably too many to count. Also, which is crazy. Like, you would assume, like, anyone, like, you go after a random guy. Hey, you can fail.

Yeah. Bro, if you're going to go after fucking a political figure, get a guy. Get, like, a guy who knows what he's doing, no? Like, you're not going to get a fucking an amateur. Like, the guy, like, the Trump shit felt like an amateur. I mean, like... Yes, but no. You know what I mean?

See, there you go. That's your perfect example. During the Trump thing, this guy had a perfect long-range, you know, rifle. Supposedly, like, great aim and everything? Not that far away Misses So it's like Yeah, you can have all the weapons you want

I honestly think That the people that do this Are Either A crazy Yeah B mind controlled by the CIA Or C set up by like Some other foreign government or something

But who are you going to set up To go kill a guy And you are going to be You're not going to kill the president To get away with it You're going to kill the president Or whatever leader there is And then you're going to be

Killed immediately You're going to be put in prison For the rest of your life You're going to your life is going to suck. You might get him to death penalty. So you've got to find someone that's willing to throw it all away.

I think that's also what's crazy about the idea of cash. What do you mean? They'll never get rid of cash. Like, we'll never get rid of like a physical currency. Like it doesn't matter like how online things get. It's like that's how you commit crimes. You commit crimes to like a cash like transaction.

Yeah. Like the idea of being like, yo, what's your zeal? I mean like, bro, what are you talking about? Yeah, you can't zeal on a sad. So I'm not on the same. But you could cash at me. Yeah. You don't want to deal with any

Yeah, get that guy cash put it under his mattress. It's that. It's like the idea that someone could just fucking truckload of cash and be like, that's untraceable. Yeah, that's true. But I do feel like these guys get into that position and they get nervous. Of course.

And they're like, oh, this is crazy. Yeah. I never has a wife. Yeah. Yeah, he's got other things in his mind. Yeah. Girl from last week. Because if I do this, I'm never going to get pussy.

If I kill Trump, I'm never going to get pussy. Yeah. So that's on his mind. No family, just thinking about other women. And then on top of it, you get nervous. And then, yeah, there's way more, I feel like there's way more, way more failed than successful.

Yeah, but like, you got, I mean, for example, the thing with the Trump thing is genuinely, like, insane. Like, I looked into it. I remember when it first happened, I was like, that's crazy. Like, every aspect of it is fucking nuts. Like, it wasn't that far.

Mm-hmm. It was like... He had a rangefinder before that he was, like, walking around the grounds, like, scoping things out. Crazy. That's why, like, it's kind of sucks. Apparently the building he was on top of was the Secret Service, like,

hideout, like, basically like their headquarters where they were like operating. The calls coming from inside the house, bro. On top of the house. Yeah. Like, it's literally. It's like from on top of the house. Just like with a broom. Just like, yeah, it's very funny for a guy.

I'd be like, yo, stop, man. We're trying to do secret service. Y'all making mad noise, bro. It's the secret service for a reason. We're trying to be secret. Can you be quiet? Yeah, y'all are mad loud. Y'all literally argue all the time.

It's just like a Spanish couple upstairs. Like, why'd y'all rent that out? You know what it is, man. We just have Matt empty apartment. But yeah, that one's a little... Rent's getting expensive, bro. That was wild. I don't know.

It seems very sketchy. That one's crazy. That one's absurd. Yeah. Which one's the funniest to you? The ones that we went through today. Which one sticks out in your mind? If you had a recap.

The fucking sweater one, man, because that's a real... Like, all of them were kind of failed attempts. That one's like the closest. Wait, which one? The sweater? The guy with 19 sweaters on. That's just a funny day. Yeah, yeah.

Ah, you call me on a cold day, bro. You know, it was bad brick. Yeah, just, it's brick outside. It had nothing to do with his ability to defend themselves. Like, he was toast. He just had more North faces on it. He just fuck with Lulu Lemon. You don't know the brand, bro.

He goes, this shit not even out yet. Y'all gonna see, bro. Yo, I bet you those jackets went so crazy. Of course. Like, after that happened, just line out the block. That's just on Stock X. The thousand of Koreans just lined up. The stabbed sweaters?

Yeah. You know, if you put like a little stitching on it, embroidery. Kind of tough. Hello, Pat. No, you got to honestly not. Wait, why? You got to leave the cut open. That's kind of what makes it vintage.

Yeah. But then it's kind of like the Drake Bullethole shirt in Australia. You saw that? Yeah, but those are obviously fake bullet holes. Wait, they are? I thought this guy survived something. Imagine? He paid a guy.

He's like, yo, you get shot in that? He's like, I feel like there's another way to make this shirt. He's like, no, no, no, we need to be authentic. Bro, just trust. I'm an artist. Yeah, yeah, trust, bro. We have bulletproof vests. You ever seen the videos of the dudes that there was one.

YouTuber that try to like prove like how good like a bulletproof like vest was or something. And he died. And he died. Yeah. Bro, come on. Absurd. Well, Max, I feel like we got to the bottom of, uh, the worst assassination, Simpson. We solved them.

Here's the thing is some people are like, oh, we're just going to hear about, I think we've debunked everything today. Yeah. Your original point of, uh, they didn't do it. I think doesn't hold up. I think a lot of them did do it. Yeah. I think you've been proven wrong. Yeah, but don't, you know what I mean?

We also did read the ones that are 100 years ago. It was biased. The ones that are, like, for example, like modern day assassination attempts that fail are crazy. The Georgia one, but George W. Bush, where he threw the grenade, did explode? No, that's crazy. But it might just be a crazy guy.

When was that? 2001. 2005. Five, huh? Before the recession. Yeah, exactly. Well before. Yeah, three years.

Yeah. This is before we even knew who Obama was, right? Right? He was barely talking to the DNC. Oh, man. This is when he was just hooping. Yeah, no. When things were good.

Dude, I want to see his huddle account. I want to see his high school stats. Honestly, can't be good. I bet she was falling up. No. He would have made the league, bro. He would have played college. I bet you had a choice.

Huh? He had a choice. They were already getting him ready. We all day. They were getting... I was going to go pro. I was going to go pro. You know me, man.

If I wanted it, I could have had it. That's exactly. That's what Barry O would say too. That's why I still play rec sports. It's not because I never made it. It's because I'd rather chill, man. Exactly. Fucking post up.

Oh, yeah. Enjoy your 6 a.m. workout. Woofi. Silly. Dummy. Where can people see you, by the way, if you're on the road right now? Just my Instagram, Max Manikoff.

I'll be on the road. And I got like Philly, Seattle, Tempe, Oregon. A couple of places, Utah. I'll be in L.A. Yeah, just I'm on the road if you guys want to come see me. I also have my own podcast. No Faxman Max. Pull up.

Well, we only talk about real things that don't happen. Hell yeah, dude. And also a lot of shirtless. picks, which I implore everyone to go in and just comment about. And here's the thing is like, yo, you guys, you know, for the seven of you that do come and see the shirtless pitch, but I'm telling you, Mark is in better shape, bro. And he's going to lie. And look, here's...

I'm flabby. Here's a good story for everybody real quick before we get out of here. We and Mark went to play soccer. And Mark, Mark had a corner kick, right? Yo, day's going fine, bro. Games tied like 8-8. Everybody cooling, like chilling. It's a chill game.

Mark's slide tackles, like three people. Were they all black? Yes. Okay, that was a coincidence. That was a coincidence. They're the fastest guys. Of course I have a flight tag. Stop trying to slow them down, dude.

Let that guy fly. Let him spread his wigs. Mark hits a shot from a corner attempt. Bends it in like Beckham. And then just walks away, bro, emotionless. Yo, we're at Bowery, Nike Field in the city. Bro, smile. You know what I mean?

But this is just, this is the vibe. Yeah, this is me. This is who I am. And me and Mark had a very serious conversation. I was like, look, I know you. had a kid and things are tough, but you do got to start smiling more. Job not finished. Y'all were up 9-8 and you were like, nah, bro.

What we celebrating about? Job not finished. I feel like y'all clapping too early. Job not done. I'm Mamba. I'm the Mamba. You are the Mamba. Honestly, I don't know you played soccer like that.

I pulled up. I was like, you see me, a couple regular passes. It was a wonderful game. We should do that again. A hundred percent, yeah. I'll see you there. Anyway. Thank you for having me, bro.

Of course, brother. I appreciate you coming on. Appreciate you having me. chatting about these assassinations and let's do it again since. Yeah, you come on my podcast, dude. Let's talk about why it's weird to have a kid. I agree. There's a lot of weird things about it.

Thank you all so much for tuning in. Appreciate y'all. Check me out on the road. The markyagno.com. Check out the merch, campgoids. See you. We'll see you guys next time. Peace.

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