Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | 5 Yards. Garage. Star. HJ Potato.

Episode Date: February 26, 2025

We're not sure who needs to hear this but... if you're looking to blast a bunch of meth over a wall and into a prison, using a high-powered, air cannon isn't going to be the quietest option available. Let's talk about that, an elderly neighbor planning on throwing a Goddamn rager, how much is light is too much light in your garage, discovering that mummy bodies actually smell "pretty good" after all, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/N2t_e-gSUDUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Five Yards, Garage, Star, H.J. Potato. It's one of those days where the bass feels like it's hitting a little harder. Yeah, it is kind of harsh. Well, with that hat you're wearing, too, it kind of keeps the sound. Traps it under the brim. I can't tell if you look like an old woman in a garden. Yeah. Or like a beekeeper.

Yeah. Or Raiden's brother. Raiden's brother, Gaiden. Yeah, Gaiden. Not nearly as scary If you shut up to fighting This is the guy you were fighting You'd be like fucking who's next

Like do you mind if I just take it easy This round Save some of your Conserve energy I Splurged a little bit Did you? No not that I splurged a little bit Did you? Where?

No, not that Oh, splurged Splurged a little bit Treated myself to something a little nice I got the Influenza A expansion pack Yeah It came with a throat and double ear infection That's fun

So If you're going to get the expansion pack You might as well go for the gold Yeah The $100 version Just get fucking riddled VIP, baby Yeah, go for the $30 cop the expansion pack you might as well go fuck the gold yeah it's a hundred dollar version just get fucking riddled vip baby yeah go for the 30 copay expansion pack i mean you're gonna wish you did in the long run yeah all right so if you just between the last episode you heard and then this one that comes out you're like god i wonder what joe's doing he's been getting fucking railed

by influenza a that's what he's been doing influence a b and c probably by this time man just like cough so hard i don't know if i've never done that before through like my back out so then every cough for three days was just the worst pain to the annoying level where i knew it was annoying to watch me cough it was like dude, dude, come on, stand up. He was like, but also being like, like while coughing. Yeah. And everyone in this just like,

come on, get a grip. I remember I had one of my worst coughs I've ever had was just a few years ago. It was one of those ones that like,

it would not go away. And for whatever, like you would, you just try to sit and do nothing and it was like, I could feel it even talking about it. I could feel it creeping up my throat

But it was just all Fucking day where your throat was just raw And you feel like you're just coughing Blood up and shit The taste of blood hasn't left my mouth in a week Love it! Episode 141 of Can You Don't Podcast You can get the bonus content

By supporting us on Patreon. Head on over there to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Seems like we had a lot of interaction over there over the last week. Yeah. Probably because I was just laying around

fucking bored out of my mind trying not to die. That'll do it. Yeah. Stuff you want to see on the show, the email address for that is heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. Of course, check out

what Uncle Zach is up to at Scatcast. We did get a little bit of mail. Found myself in the vicinity of the post office. So I figured out. What are we going to get some female? Every time with this guy. You just can't help yourself, can you?

We got a little note with this. It just says, hey, daddies. I found these stickers at a vendor fair and felt that you guys needed them enjoy cassidy we've got a uh silly goose university alum sticker which is nice you want to take a peek at that yeah try not to get influenza a and then this one is a goose riding a horse or it's a horse goose it's like a goose goose tar goose on the loose tar It's a centaur But a goose tar I'll put that on my computer That's a dangerous Fucking goose

Is what that is So thank you Cassidy If you want to send Something into the show The The mailbox Is listed in the episode Description

You guys want a quick Little Super cute Neighborly update Yeah Okay So over the last week There's been

Some Some What am i drama some progressions oh in the neighborly dispute uh one of which was cassie was just walking out to his car and the neighbor just started laughing at her like a fucking lunatic just no engagement he's just shoveling and then looking up and like make and then laughing And then going back to shoveling and looking up and laughing. It's a weird time to be laughing at someone when you're right in the middle of manual labor. I don't know. He needs some padded walls. I'm not sure what the fuck's going on over there.

But anyway, so the kids know all about this situation because he's our neighbor. And he can't just ignore everything. So they've overheard us talking about it. And they wanted to build a giant snowman, which I thought was funny, that would look over the fence into his yard. Like just a little subtle funny.

Just leering into his windows. You can see half a snowman face staring at your house, which I think would be very funny. So we said, yeah, great. Have at it. We had plenty of snow. We had a nice little snowstorm stretch here in the Pacific Northwest and Went out and checked on him like a half hour later And it turns out they just made a giant dick. I got a picture of it

So even put some cheese coming out of that. Yeah, there's an icicle thing. There's veins all over it. And it's just a huge dick that extends beyond the fence. Except the head of the dick is visible from the neighbor's house. The detail. How do they know that much? Yeah. Well, internet. I mean, there's... Dicks are everywhere.

I hope it's not... What? Real. Real life. You hope this dick isn't real? No, I hope that... I hope their knowledge of what a... I hope that's not a real dick, Joe. Back to you. That's a big white dick.

That's a pasty, pasty dick. That's a pasty, vitamin D deficient D. No, what I was trying to say was that I hope that's just that's memory, like internet memory not from actual memory. Yeah, I hear you. You don't have to tell me.

They throw dicks everywhere tell me they draw dicks everywhere there's three dicks here in my office right now i mean they're funny it's hard to it's hard to get upset when a good i mean that's a good looking dick and they were laughing so hard yeah when like they saw me peek out the window and they just started laughing so i was like you little rascals you little dicks um but we did text him and at first he was very defensive he's like what did i hurt his feelings And I wanted Cassie to write back And be like dude he'll fucking kill you

But she didn't write that He said that he had a root canal On the day And he doesn't remember yelling at me Is that the root of the problem I don't know about what a root canal I've never heard that excuse before I've heard I was drinking before. No, it's like...

I've heard I was drinking or I was... They suck and they're painful and they numb you up and you can feel a little probably wonky afterwards. But I've never associated a dental procedure with yelling at your neighbor you don't know in front of your kid. Imagine leaving your dentist and you go out to check out and you're just like, Fuck you! You got a fucking problem? No, he's trying to discharge you. He's trying to get you out of here, you fucking lunatic.

Yeah! Must be nice! And then, well I wonder if he listens to the show because why would he be laughing when he saw Cassie? Because he maybe because he's just going crazy over there. He knew what he did and then now he's just being a fucking little punk about it. He was laughing

before the snowman or after the snowman? This was before the snowman was built. Okay, so no reason there. Yeah, it's not there. We're still piecing it together, but he did. He can't tell it's a snow dick from his side, can he? No. And there's a fence there.

There's no way unless he hopped over to admire the craftsmanship. I mean, it's impressive dick. Yeah, it is. What is that over there? I better take a peek. That's a giant dick face in my house. But mean, it's impressive dick. Yeah, it is. What is that over there? Better take a peek. It's a giant dick face in my house. But anyway, that's your update. As we get more, I'll be sure to let you know.

Love it. Love the updates. Alright, let's start the show. Zach! Hey, shut up! Start the show already! Don't. Don't do that. I only caught like a quarter of it. Well, don't throw up.

Try not to. A little bit different, but it's a would you rather that involves some sports and being real with yourself. Go sports! Yeah. Would you rather be given one million dollars, guaranteed, right now, to slap that shit right in your stupid cum-covered hands. Right here. Yeah, right. You stick your stupid cum-covered hands. Right here. Yeah, right.

You stick right to my hand. You got it. Or you have 10 carries as a running back in the NFL to try and gain five yards. And you get $10 million. Million dollars. Easy. Zach, you're longer than five yards. Yeah, I still would get fucking killed by those guys. You gotta have acceleration to hit the hole, though.

Yeah, my knees aren't what they used to be. Yeah. My first instinct is to say no. And just go home. No money at all. Yeah, just forget the... I don't need money. I'm happy.

Listen, you give it to someone who needs it. Right. Give it to the neighbor. He obviously needs to cheer up. He needs a couple more teeth. My first instinct was take the million dollars and say, fuck it. I'm not doing the other thing. Yeah.

But then I'm starting to wonder, like, okay. I mean, $10 million is a... What if I use, like, the Eagles O-line? Like, if you have the best O-line, I don't know, statistically is the best O-line in the league right now, but... Yeah. If you could... I mean, 10... Dude, 5 yards for Saquon Barkley is hard. Not from what I saw.

I mean... He did pretty good. He did. Yeah. He did. But also, like, 10 carries in a row. Like, you can run the same fucking play 10 times in a row, and at least in my brain... No, the defense is going to stack the box.

And you're going to be hurt after the first one. It's an exaggeration. I'm just saying. You're going to be broken after the first one. I don't think they're going to hit you that hard. Why the fuck wouldn't they? Because you've got an O-line in front of you. Like, they're going to grab you and pull you down,

but you're not running like a jet sweep. Do you remember when Jadavion Clowney busted through the line and took that running back's head off? That's what's going to happen. As long as that doesn't happen, play one. But if everybody knows, everybody knows, right?

So it's not a game. Everyone knows they're giving the ball to you. Yeah, that's why they're stacking the box, dude. They're not going to pass it. They're not going to have any defensive backs. It's just they're taking all linemen. All blitz. It's going to be goal line.

It's going to be goal line to fucking kill you. Like you're bleeding from the face. Like your jaw's hanging halfway off And you're trying to make deals with the linebacker On the other side You're like I'll give you half a million Come on Oh so you're doing Brett Favre and Michael Strahan

Yeah he's like come on let us get it I'll give you half a million And the guy's just like I'm gonna get you After this I'm gonna sack your wife And you're just like fuck Nothing's working He's like, I'm going to get you. After this, I'm going to sack your wife. And you're just like, fuck. Nothing's working.

See, I wasn't even envisioning goal line defense. I was just envisioning the middle of the field. But essentially, that's what it is. It's goal line defense. And from the five-yard line, I have to score. No fucking way. Okay, that is nothing. There's no way I'm taking the million and not even giving that a shot.

Let's set some realistic parameters around here. Somehow, I don't know, you had a fucking wild night and ended up signed to an NFL team as a running back. Okay? And they're still trying to win the game. Right? So the pass is still in play. They're just going to check you in from time to time. You just get to play. You just get to play and you're gonna have 10 carries to try

to get 5 yards. Meaning that it could be 3rd or 4th and 20. And they do the little handoff draw to you. Knowing that they could give you 20 yards. Don't give a shit. You're gonna get laced. That's interesting. But you're probably gonna get your

5 yards. No, you get your 5 yards and you slide Then you lay the puck down And you have to still do 9 more carries And you're like no no I'm good He's like nope you got 9 more You have to do the 10 What if you lose that yardage

Yeah From then on you have to at least get to the line of scrimmage Take the money Just fumble it then it's not a loss and it's just a fumble and they'll stop giving you the ball that is true anyway so a million bucks

I think as I'm trying to picture because I was a running back in high school it's not like I was fucking phenomenal but I was decent and I would have a hard time believing I couldn't get five fucking yards I bet you could. On ten carries.

I don't know, man. Which league did you play in? Shit. Idaho Potatoes. Every other fucking league. I mean, you played small-town football, right? Well, shit. I mean, the school was pretty big.

It had, like, 1,200 people. So you were 3A? Whatever. Well, the rating switched, Cause when I was a kid, one a was the big school. Oh, and then they flipped it until then it went to five a, right?

Yeah. I think we were whatever, like three a or two a, um, and then they switched the ratings to go, go from small to big opposed to five is small. And one is the top one. Um,

anyway, like you just have to basically, if you're doing a dive play, you just have to fall forward onto someone's legs and there's a yard. But that's not true, though, because when you're a running back, you might be seven or eight yards behind the quarterback. Yeah, but just don't run that play because look who's your running back. Don't put me seven or eight yards behind the play. Put me right next to the quarterback and have him hand me the ball. I don't think you can.

Well, have him just be under the quarterback and then just fucking old school, turn around, pitch me the fucking ball or hand it off and I'm going to go right behind the center and then fall forward and just get a couple yards. Ten carries to gain. All you need to do is gain at least one yard. That's it. Half a yard. Get a half a yard

average per carry. Then you could be leaving with $10 million. Here's my thing. When you're playing high school ball, to make that team, you've got to be a pretty good athlete. You've got to be pretty good. To get into a small college,

you've got to be really good. A D2, you've got to be pretty good. All the way up to, like, think about Alabama, how good you have to be, and then be good enough to get drafted. And then, to be a starting running back in the NFL, the level that you're on, and you watch somebody try to get

to, it's fourth and one. They're fourth and one. Let's see if they can get it, and they don't get it. Yeah, you got a good point. What if it was college or NFL? I'd almost rather do it in the NFL because I know the O-line at least is going to be the best of the best. College, it feels like— College has got more of that spread offense.

Yeah. You put four receivers out, you know, there's less to deal with. Man. Take the money. I mean, 1 million, you could do a lot with that, but 10 million changes your entire family tree forever.

It does, but the chance of you getting it is so small. Yeah, you could also get kicked out of your own family for not taking a million bucks and coming home with two broken femurs. I tried though. Yeah, dad tried.

God, I'd love to, either way, I'd love to watch this showdown. I mean, not me. If you're thinking about your family, take the million dollars, pay off all their houses and their debt. With a million dollars? Have you tried to buy a house?

Right. One house in shit right now is $750,000. Yeah, that's true. In this area, like, it's a fucking nightmare. We were lucky when we bought. Yeah, get it for $100,000, $200,000, $212,000's true. In this area, it's a fucking nightmare. We were lucky when we bought. Yeah, you get it for $100,000, $200,000. $212,000. Yeah.

And now it's worth $6 million. You haven't done anything to it? No. That's just gotten older. Yeah. I don't know, man. Even though, you guys give a good point. If this was about being a running back, I don't feel like you have to have a ton of being in your absolute prime to get lucky for five yards on ten carries.

If you're asking me to try to break free from a corner as a wide receiver, no. They would walk. They would be walking and pushing me to help me go faster because it's not hard enough. Giving you a boost. Yeah. I'd be like, ooh, do a step kind of shake and they would just stare at not hard enough. Giving you a boost. Yeah. I'd be like, ooh, and do some kind of shake and they would just stare at me

and hold the top of my head. Yeah. I'm going to get open. I agree with you on that. You just have to hope the O-line opens up a hole for you and you need to be able to... And you have to be able to hit the hole.

Yeah. So that's where the acceleration... I mean, I know you're a good athlete, but I don't have shit anymore How long do I get to prep for this game? It's tomorrow Okay, I'll take the million I think you take one blast from a linebacker

And you start thinking, rethinking your life Yeah, but what if he hits you from behind He's going to help you fall forward a couple yards They start in front of you Yeah, but then they go down the line when the guard's going to help you fall forward a couple yards. They start in front of you. Yeah, but then they go down the line when the guard pulls. But they're going to be so much faster than you that they'll be there way before that guard even gets here probably. Maybe you just try to jump the pile.

Oh, that sounds like a bad idea. Watch his head fall off. You just jump six inches high? You're like, uh, and run into your own players? You run into your quarterback? Bounce off his back and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? Ow! I watched so much football in my life and I've always said this when I'm watching.

I'm like, I would take one, even long before we've talked about this. I don't know how running backs get up and get in the huddle And go run another play Running backs take so much punishment And to be able to get up Shake it off and go do it again And have 30-40 carries in a game Fuck you dude

That's why their shelf life is about what 5 years Get it out of here That's 5 years we're asking for 5 yards Ever You have 5 years And then get it out of here. That's five years. We're asking for five yards. Ever. Okay, rewrite the question. You have five years to get five yards for $10 million.

I still feel like working out in the off season, so I'll take the million. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, I think that's the one thing that held me back from getting anywhere far in sports was the the extra work it takes to get to that level because i would go to practice but as soon as practice over like fuck yeah i'm going home watching save by the bell and eating junk food i'm just trying to like what's the average i mean i'm just every picture every like little video i have in my head of this happening is me dying. Every single time I'm going, well, what about my helmet is blowing up off my face.

Or being paralyzed. And I'm crying. Yeah, but I don't. See, it's violent. It's like that. And you played football, Zach. You played football. Yeah.

There's that first play, right? And then after that happens, and you get your first shot, then you can play the football game. Oh, yeah. It always wakes you up. Yeah. And it reminds you. I would just fall asleep, though. It would knock me out, and I wouldn't.

And it reminds you that, like, it doesn't hurt that bad. Fuck you. And you're like, ah. Like, it's like, oh, that hurt. And I get it. It's like, J.J. Watt isn't fucking tackling me in high school. I got it. I'm not a fucking idiot

But also like They're coming off screens They can only hit you so hard Like it always does look worse Than it actually is You are wearing I'm not even worried The most of a protective

Equipment of any sports I'm not worried about The linebackers The fucking middle linebacker That's what I meant to say If I said linebacker Coming through the hole And just putting his helmet

In my chest Yeah and like the fact That they would just Stick their arm out and be able to pick you up and throw you with one hand. And you'd fumble every time, probably. That's what I think, too. Because, I mean, you'd get five yards, maybe,

but you'd have to hold on to the ball. Or even worse, they miss and they punch you in the arm instead of the football. I always think about that. They just clothesline you, take your neck out. Yeah, when they try and punch it out, but instead punch you in the ribs of your dick. And you're supposed to get back up and go to the huddle.

Hang on, guys. You're vomiting because your nuts are coming up from your throat. I missed the two-hole. I missed the two-hole. Yeah, after Ray Lewis punched you in the dick trying to get the ball out. And he's like, well, nine more carries. Yeah, picture that. Picture Ray Lewis staring at you over the line.

I'm going to get you in a boy! And you're like, please? Terrell Suggs is next to him. Fuck you, dude. There's no chance. I just think of that linebacker in the program. That movie in the program. Poop, I'm gonna fuck up a movie.

Okay, well. Is that one of those movies where he shoots the dude? No, that's The Last Boy Scout. Yeah. That's a good one. I'm gonna take the million dollars. Even though I'm not with you guys. I'm thinking there's no possible way to get five yards.

You have the best chance out of all of us. I don't think I have any shot in the world. Me either. Maybe you do, but I know I do not have a shot. And you saying that I have to do it tomorrow, that's a big deterrent. Well, how much time do you think you need? Realistically. An off-season?

A month. Give me a month. A month? A month of hitting the gym, getting back in the cardio shape, knowing that the second I plant my foot, my hamstring isn't going to explode. Yeah. Like a little bit of that confidence would be great. But if I had to do it fucking tomorrow or tonight,

we get done recording. As soon as you're done recording. I just get on an airplane and fly out to get five yards in an NFL game? No. I would just fumble it straight from the quarterback. I wouldn't even get past that. Same, exactly. You guys. That would be such a great show, though, just to pull some guy out of an office and be like,

what's up? What's up? Well, you've got a million dollars coming if you don't get killed by all these linebackers. Just right out of his suit and shit. And he's like, why didn't you tell me this before you flew me over here? Like, I would obviously take the million dollars. We didn't think you would take the opportunity. We'd take the opportunity.

No. Yeah, dude, I live in Spokane. You flew me to Florida. This is a waste of my goddamn time. I'm not fucking playing against the NFL team. Okay. A million bucks. Maybe people don't, but I feel like

people underestimate how strong and athletic professional athletes are. Or like in Olympians and stuff. And I'm scared I'm doing a little bit of that. I'm thinking my size and being only 5'9", having some agility ability still left, I'd be able to

squeak in and hide behind giant 6'8", 300-pound linemen. Maybe if you have a fullback in front, if Max Strong, remember Max Strong from the Seahawks back in the day? If he's in front of you and he's helping you get through, maybe you have a chance. He just has to light up. All he has to do is catch one blocker and you just have to fall forward. You have to do that four times.

Five yards is what? This room is probably about five yards, right? Yeah, exactly. to do that four times. Five yards is what? This room is probably about five yards, right? Yeah, exactly. I'd say five yards. So, but remember, you're starting six, seven yards back. So you're running. If that's the formation, Brian. There's no formation where you are, well, you could be to the side of the quarterback.

Or directly behind him when he's under center. He doesn't have to be in shotgun. But still, even if he's behind you and he's under the center, you're still at least five yards back. Yeah, maybe, depending on what play you're running. Because you've got to get a burst of speed to get through the hole. They wouldn't put you right there because you wouldn't be able to get any speed to get going.

Plus, there are rules on how you have to line up. What about direct snaps? Yeah, I was going to say direct snaps. And you just fall forward behind your center? But falling forward is assuming you're doing that multiple times. Well, I would fall forward, they center. But falling forward, assuming you're doing that multiple times. If I fall forward, they would pick me up and throw me 10 yards backwards. Like blitz?

But just where the ball has to get a certain distance and then I have to... Anyway. You're not falling from this wall to that wall, though. That's going to take you a few... No, I have 10 plays to keep falling down. And hold on to the ball. And hold on to the football. And hold on to the football. How about you get a game?

So like you're playing a normal game, like you said, you're suited up. Yeah. And so they don't... Yeah, you could be passing it so they can't stack the box. If the whole thing is a sold out stadium knowing that Joe Schmo... It's just goal line. Then no

fucking way. But if I'm just coming in and out and they could throw the ball over their head and they have to actually play defense and not just kill me I think I have a chance. I would say you have

a much better chance for sure. Yeah. If they know it's me it'd be the worst day of your life. Depends on who your receivers are. It'd be the last day of your life.

Let's say you've got you've got just like all pro receivers where they know like shit we gotta bring in extra defensive backs to guard these guys. Yeah.

And all of a sudden it's you versus the line and maybe a linebacker or something. Yeah. Might be able to pull that off. I was trying to think of like someone who's

thinking of Tom Brady could he get five yards? He's in way better shape than me. He knows the game a lot better than I do. Yeah. He's considered small. He's like six foot. Dude, he's like 6'4".

Oh, yeah. He's big. So he also probably couldn't do it. What makes me think I could? Yeah. Well, he's not built to run like that, though. That's like with the nba they they picked out like who they thought was the worst nba player of all time during the last season or whatever

this happened and then people challenged him and he beat him 17 to nothing nine to nothing every game because he's in the nba yeah like brian said once you get past high school you're really good yeah college you get to the nba every level up is huge there's 13 guys per team that's it and shit all right well i'll take the million but i'm gonna keep thinking about it you guys taking the million yeah all right no question this is this could be it could be a short one but this was just a funny thing cassie and i were laughing about zach roll it fuck yeah dude hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about so ezra was on a bit of a little

kick a few days ago i got do you guys as kids or do your kids do this zach's kids are too old but they're just kind of doing normal kid stuff throughout the day and then right before bedtime for whatever reason they just fucking explode and want to talk and do all this crazy shit because they don't want to go to bed yeah or like they're just you know whatever it's their time like you're in big you're like all right i'm in bed they're like hey well now i want to tell you about all the things i want in life because they're busy doing shit all day and then now it's time to now it's time to relax and go to bed they're like that, now I'm going to talk to you. So anyway, that happens. And this particular situation, Ezra, I mean, he's back super hardcore into weather stations

again. Joe. Kootenai County. Nice. Yeah. Well, we're having severe weather alerts. Yeah. He's staying on top of it.

It's the time of year for it. And he has this whole contraption worked up right now where he has like his portable battery uh that's connected to like an fm transmitter that plugs into the 12 volt jack that allows him he tapes an aux cable to the metal ring of that 12 volt thing which broadcasts the signal that he wants that allows him from his computer to set off his own custom EAS messages. That's not bad. So he can fire off his own tornado warnings, but he can also write in his own text, Joe.

And he has fun with that. He was writing something about setting off a tornado warning for the inside of the house. In the basement, there's a tornado warning for the inside of the house. In the basement. Yeah. He was like, severe tornado warning. In the north-south kitchen. North-south kitchen and downstairs bedroom.

And it has the whole voice, and he's just like playing it and looking at you in the eyes like, huh? Is this real? What are you going to fucking do? You never know. This thing wouldn't lie. There's a tornado in the kitchen. North-south kitchen. It's on the radio. It's radio it's real it's like dude i know it's not real you just asked me what direction the kitchen faces and the next thing north south kitchen um anyway so part of

this was he was uh had that set up and then he wanted to uh well i guess this was before we got this little fm transmitter do you remember these things so back before cars had bluetooth you'd hook up those things and broadcast their own signal so that you could hook up your your phone or what a walkman or whatever to play in the car yep in the car it's really hard for me to not do that right now and um anyway he was trying to figure out how to set all this stuff up and he was running through all these different adapter chains and he came running in and he goes he goes he goes here's what i'm thinking i'm like yeah buddy of course i mean at this point like i'm

super sick so i was like yeah ready to go to sleep what and he's like okay so do they make uh usbc and i'm like uh-huh and he goes to um cigarette lighter and i was like wait what and he goes do they make usbc to like the cigarette lighter adapter and gash is like the 12 volt thing and i was like i was like yeah that thing and he goes yeah and i was like i don't know and i was like but that's fucking hilarious old technology to think about and by the way they do make it uh because we went and found it before we went and got the little f-men transmitter but if i'm not sure if this is what you're picturing but it does exist for 8.99 it's a usbc to female 12 volt adapter like a cigarette lighter and i was looking at this picture and of somebody sitting in an office using it to light their cigarette. Wait, there's a picture of them doing that?

No, that's just what I was thinking of. Like, picture somebody sitting there, and instead of using like a normal lighter or a match, he just goes and pushes in this little cigarette lighter and then clicks their cigarette lighter back into their USB-C to cigarette lighter adapter. Or like you have that all hooked up just so you can hook up like a really noisy fan that's made for a car. God, dude. Rick has got to do something about Rick's fucking office, dude. Dude, he's got adapters for adapters. It's just a fucking nightmare over there.

But then I was looking through the photos, because I was also thinking, like, what could anybody be possibly using this for? And this photo, I don't even know what the fuck's going on. LED strips? Yeah, but obviously the adapter has been photoshop photoshop because you can see the white edge around it right and they just laid it in front of a picture of blurry led lights that's pretty standard for amazon i know but bad folks someone had to make that yeah oh yeah like what could we make that would grab people's attention to come check this thing out like if someone's looking up usbC to female 12-volt adapter,

you've already got them. Like, they're sold. They're not going to buy this based on blurry LEDs and shitty overlaid Photoshop of the adapter. Not even to scale. Like, think about how big

those LED lights would have to be. Bring it up one more time. Look how big. It'd be fucking huge. Like, that strip of LEDs would have to be, like, four inches wide like the biggest stick on leds in the world they didn't probably use photoshop yeah some free

all right have you i'm not sure if you guys pass it on your way here when you guys take your drive have you guys seen that one house that always has the sign out that talks about um like translating old dvs or slides. I've seen those signs before. It reminds me of the same situation. Like, the same person that's looking for that is also looking for a USB-C cigarette lighter adapter. No, it's always some guy's house with those signs. There's never, like, an office space that does that.

It's some guy. Yeah, just some guy. He's like, dude i watch honey i'm gonna make us we're gonna afford that house you've always wanted i know how many people out there need slides translated to dvd it'd be so weird to drop off all your family dvds like some guy's house hey don't joke after these okay all right just hear hear all my family memories don't lose them or screw them up don't lose them or screw them up or touch yourself to them. Bye.

A lot of kids on here. By the look of your boarded up windows, I shouldn't be here. But I really need these. I really need these DVDs before the funeral. All right, bye. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you guys. Let's get into some dick. We've got a classic show today, by the way.

Yeah, we do. Just throwing it back. All right, hey, go ahead, Zach. Thanks right hey go ahead zach thanks bye is it interesting is it cool all right dig dig dig dig which one which one this one huh oh i'm trying to find you a good oh yeah give me some music i've clicked on it three times. There we go. Alright. This is from the Louisiana Radio Network

website. Radio! Two arrested for using Canon to launch contraband into prison. Oh, God. Look at their pictures. I got the best idea. How come one guy got like All of the frame though

And then the other guy just like slivered them in Another bad photoshop job I mean you couldn't just make the two pictures the same size Like one guy has like Five feet of empty wall behind him And the other guy is like right in his nose That'd fire your Inconsistent

Yeah your mugshot photo taker. Anyway, back to you. Wouldn't worry about it too much. Yeah. Two Colorado men were arrested for attempting to smuggle $112,000 worth of tobacco and $89,500 worth of methamphetamine into a federal prison using a compressed air gun. Air cannon, excuse me. Grant Parish Sheriffccain says they weren't successful weird thanks to a very observant deputy he was able to stop it before

they were able to get the drugs into the prison very observant yeah come on i don't know how he saw it and there's people out here with fucking t-shirt cannons all the time. How do you tell them? Shooting things into the prison. They're not quiet. Like, Johnson, you are the most observant. God damn it, Johnson. I always knew it.

You are the most observant officer we have. Yeah, thanks, sir. How did you see him? Well. I didn't see it at first. At first I didn't see it. I just thought he had like a tube or something. And then I was like, damn, that's a t-shirt cannon.

And then I heard thunk. Thunk, thunk. Over and over again. Those aren't t-shirts. Yeah. And two dudes going thunk. Just blasting meth. That's a lot of meth.

I know. And I picture the bags ripping open and just sprinkling down in the courtyard. I mean, it shoots it with some force. Oh, yeah. You'd be surprised. You just keep overshooting the meth. One guy's on each side of the prison. Yeah, they're shooting him back and forth.

Dude, take some of the pressure off. And the guy with a fucking sniper rifle is standing in the guard tower watching two dudes play catch of meth. He's just holding in front of him, not even aiming. He's just like, watching it go. Yeah, he's just watching. He's like, what the fuck? And he looks down the sight. And the guy's like, turn it down! What? Like this!

Aim it higher so it doesn't go as far. Dude, you almost hit me! We're never gonna get this meth in there. And he's just standing there like, what the fuck am I doing today? Anyway, back to you. This is my life.

18-year-old Jose Francisco Herrera Munoz and 19-year-old Angel Gonzalez Gutierrez plan involved launching contraband over the prison security fence with the cannon capable of propelling items over 350 feet. That's a football field in a way. And counting the end zones. Yeah. It's not a stupid idea, really. No, it's not. No, really, it's not.

Like, what the... It must have been just the way they position themselves, perhaps. Yeah. Right out in the open right out there just this was not something that was homemade it was bought and it was professionally manufactured and it's very powerful it's the quote and very loud uh the grants parish sheriff's office reported the arrest charging both men with attempting to introduce contraband into a penal institution and attempting to distribute methamphetamine. That much meth would have been devastating that population.

Sure he doesn't talk like that. Probably not, but it's more fun if he did. U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agent Ice assisted in the investigation and has placed a detainer on Munoz and he is as he is in the country illegally. Weird. If you're in the country illegally, the last thing you should be doing is shooting meth out of a t-shirt cannon. Yeah. That's not high up on the list of things. If you're trying to stay under the radar,

head into the prison with a t-shirt cannon full of tobacco and meth. It's not a good look for the people who aren't here legally, but are like working legit jobs. Yeah, they're getting away from a terrible situation. Yeah, trying to make something out of themselves. And Munez is out there with a fucking meth cannon.

Yeah, because now you're on the same level as that guy. They're just shaking your head. He's like, God damn it. Guys, he's out there like, whatever job is it's working in a restaurant just doing well like harder work than i ever do in my life this guy's out there fucking blasting meth into prisons yeah i mean he's working harder than i do too though he's out there doing it you think those guys just went to that same prison and they're sitting in there just waiting for a bag of meth to come flying over the fence if i ever get sound idea if i ever get out of here dude if i

know the first thing i'm gonna do first thing i'm gonna do is shoot some fucking meth right back in this place this party sucks well if you get maybe that was the plan all along is uh yeah they confiscated some of it but same maybe some of it got distributed yeah just distribute distributed distributed financing in there and now he's going into that institution and he's going to reap the benefits they said that they stopped him but I mean it's hard to slow down

a t-shirt cannon when it's on a roll what if that was just a diversion what if there was actually somebody else like they were actually just shooting St. Jude shirts into the prison. Exactly. And then the real drugs were being distributed elsewhere. Through a normal way?

Through the butt. Yeah, through the butt or through like a truck. We just picture like some guys that were out involved in that, but getting a new picture taken. Wearing like the over 3X St. Jude's shirt with logos on it. I saved a life. All I got was this with logos on it. I saved a life. All I got was this shirt and this blanket. I went to prison. All I got was this lousy fleece blanket.

No meth. It reminds me, a long time ago, and I know you're going to remember this. Do you remember when they were strapping backpacks on pigeons and they had meth in the backpacks? Yes. Just pigeons flying into the prison with meth in the backpacks on pigeons and they have meth in the backpacks? Yes, yes. Just pigeons flying into the prison with meth in the backpacks? Oh my god.

So which is the worst idea? Yeah, which is the worst idea? T-shirt cannon? I think t-shirt cannon's worse than tiny backpacks on pigeons. You can't pin it to anybody with the pigeons. What are you going to do, throw the pigeons in jail? Yeah. Hold them, just...

Maybe, yeah. He's not talking! anybody with the pigeons, what are you going to do? Throw the pigeons in jail? Yeah. Hold them just... Maybe... He's not talking! Yeah. Yeah, at least with the birds, you can't trace it back to you. Yeah, that's true. The cannon's kind of hard. I mean, if there's a shirt cannon going off, there's

a person... There's a party. There's a t-shirt cannon, there's a party. First of all, there's a party, and there's someone pulling the trigger. Yeah. Alright, let's move off to our next dick story. Also going back into the memory bank a little bit.

The scent of mummy. Research discovers ancient Egyptian remains smell nice. Like a poopery. I guess... Let's find out if it tells us how much money went into this. What's the equivalent of a good smell like the sound? I don't know.

I don't know. So this is coming from London. At first whiff, it sounds repulsive. Sniff the essence of an ancient corpse. Yeah, you don't see that on a candle. Do you? Yeah, you don't see like cherry blossom, ancient

corpse, pumpkin spice. Yeah. Rotting corpse. But researchers who indulged their curiosity in the name of science found that well-preserved Egyptian mummies actually smell pretty good. Compared to poop or a rotting...

It's just like they're trying to get more information out of these scientists. They're like, no, no, no. What is it? They're like, I don't know. It's nice. I mean, technically, I think it smells pretty good good can i get back to my fucking job now all right some of these things it's like how is this a job yeah and you're like who's funding these things i know it's the same as fucking yeah spending 20 million to find out

that's maybe what a mummy sounded like i mean i'm all like i i love exploration egypt and exploration all that like i want to go there like i i love exploration egypt and exploration all that like i want to go there i want to unearth something but some of it's like yeah i don't know in films and books terrible things happen to those who smell mummified bodies said cecilia bambury bambury it's too many b's. Director of Research at University College of London. Yeah, Bimberi? Institute of Sustainable Heritage. We were surprised at the pleasantness of them.

Woody, spicy, sweet. Mmm. Tangy. Yeah, it's making me hungry. Sounds like a trigger pellet flavor. Pellet flavor? You want to grab the woody, the spicy, or the sweet? Were the leading descriptions from what sounded more like a wine tasting than a mummy sniffing experience.

Floral notes were also detected, which would mean like pine and juniper resins were used in the embalming. I know. So I just like, my brain went a little wild of just like imagining bringing in someone who is a professional. Just waiting. They've been waiting their whole life. They went to school, even maybe a little post-grad, on smelling mummies. And they have no work. The whole field is dried up.

Well, the whole mummy smelling industry is really hard times. It's a 15-year doctorate. And when he went in, it's a 15-year doctorate. And when he went in, people were smelling mummies like crazy. Like he thought, this is the time to get in. He got in, he got out there, he found out no one wants you to smell ancient corpses. The fad had passed. Yeah, and he's just sitting around waiting, and finally gets the call to head out to Egypt and take a whiff. And really take it in. Well, right as he started going to school, they decided they wanted to hear what they sounded like.

So all the money went into that. And we found out. That's it. No one was interested in how they smelled. I mean, they smell pretty good. I mean, what I've heard is they smell pretty good. They also taste pretty good, apparently. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, there's a... I believe that... I'm not 100% sure, so somebody can shovel cock me, they are, not an aphrodisiac, but medicinal. Oh, mummies? Pieces of mummies, yeah. Wow. It's like they're shaving off pieces of mummies? People believe that, yeah.

Wow. I think that's why a lot of the ancient mummies are missing, is they were eaten. That could definitely be shovel cock. That sounds like shovel cock. It does, but somebody can check that for me. But I like it. It sounds like they were just tomb raiders who stole it and wanted to sell it Yeah wanted a bracelet or something

A lot of superstition though goes out around stuff That would be like oh it's this magic guy in this giant mountain that somebody built Must be magic Especially something that's 4500 years old Hope it helps my boner This looks like this will help my boner. If I could just find Tootin' Common's body, I'd get my boner back.

Sir, how did you get into smelling mummies? Well, anything that'll help my boner. Well, first of all, my dick stopped getting hard, and I was like, well, what can I do? Well, guess I'll go back to school. I always heard that mummified remains can get my dick hard again, so I feel like that was a logical choice. So here I am.

Any other questions? Nope. Nope. Why's your dick so hard? Well, it works. Hey, found out it works. No, but this is just a... And I hope this is funny to you guys,

because it's really funny to me. Looking up and grabbing articles to put together for the script for episode 141 of Can You Don't Podcast. And we also went to the stork to get some items to make.

Stork? He usually comes to you, doesn't he? God dang. Sorry. Yep. Wee wee. Ah!

I've been sick. I'd fuck a stork. You know what I mean? Yeah. Those legs. Those legs. Those legs go all the way up. You just bend, the knees go backwards.

It's a whole different experience. Stick their beak right in the ground, can't move. So we went to the store to get things for breakfast. Okay. And we went to Walmart because in this area, only one place has like dehydrated hash browns. And Walmart has them. Safeway doesn't have them, but you can get the dehydrated hash browns, which we think are the best ones.

The brand of them is Hungry Jack, I believe. Sometimes they have them, and sometimes they're all gone. This particular time we went, I promise there's a reason why I'm telling you this. We bought four of them. We're like, hey, we don't want to run into what we did last

time when you come here and all the fucking dehydrated hash browns are gone. So we grabbed four of them and for whatever reason, like got back to the house and I rarely do this. I don't know why I did, but I got the receipt out and I guess looked at the receipt and for, I guess had in like four in a row and it just said HJ potato potato for hungry jack potato and my brain immediately went to if there was a professional that you called in to smell mummies his name would be hj potato hj potato here how may i help you well so mr potato well Mr. Potato. He gets down there and he's like, well, let me take a whiff. Dr. Potato, because he's a doctor.

That's H.J. Potato to you, sir. Top of the day. He squats down there. His pocket watch chain is jangling a little bit. He's just like, let's take a whiff. His little monocle. That's nice. It's got sort of a tang to it, doesn't it?

Alright, check will be Woody Invoice will be in the mail H.J. Potato's got more mummies to sniff I imagine H.J. Potato would be wearing the same hat that you're wearing Yeah Yeah he's just trying to blend in at the dig site H.J. Potato here Indiana Potato

God I don't know why it's so funny to me He's like a real dude Like there's nothing else he could do Besides being I don't know why it's so funny to me. Because like, real dude. Like, and there's nothing else he could do. Besides being... Everyone, they specialize, I mean, you gotta specialize in something, right? Yeah. And they just fly him out.

Everyone's a little nervous when H.J. Potato arrives. Yeah, because... What's he gonna say? Everyone's waiting. They're like, the anticipation for what he's gonna say. Yeah. He walks in there, like half his face is covered because he has to protect his sniffer. Yeah, he's just like wearing like a face mask, but also like a three-piece suit.

He just like walks in there, he has a briefcase, and everyone's like being quiet. Anything for you, Mr. Potato? That's Dr. Potato to you. Where's the body? Let's get away from this thing. Why is everyone so uptight? Let's get away from this thing Why is everyone so uptight? Let's get right down to business Where is it?

I got places to be Sorry H.J. Another mummy's a smell Sorry H.J. Potato Yeah, I see you That's pretty nice Alright Call me when you need me

The next body sniffed H.J. Potato's out And then Flies off in a hot air balloon Of course he Yeah, of course he flies in an air balloon. So he leaves, but then everyone starts their... H.K. Potato.

The wires are going out. The legendary H.K. Potato. Says mummy bodies smell pretty nice. Pretty nice. Tell the world. The headline, it's the old newspaper when they're like... Extra, extra. The stacks, they're really fast.

Yeah. HGA Potatoes says they smell pretty nice. Extra. Read all about it. Just the big headline. It's pretty nice. You see a picture of a mummified body and then in the background you see a tiny hot air balloon floating off in the distance. The legendary

HGA Potatoes strikes again. Actually, he kind of seems like the wizard a little bit. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Huh. Yeah, being like behind the curtain. Yeah. But his real name is H.J. Potatoes?

Mm-hmm. God damn. Okay, so two jobs. He can be a wizard and a wizard of Oz, or he can be a mummy sniffer. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's the only job for H.J. Potato.

Oh, man. I mean, if we write a children's book or a children's cartoon, we've got, what was it, John the Coroner and H.J. Potato. Yeah. That's Dr. Potato. Dr. Potato to you. That's his catchphrase. Please, call me Handjob Potato.

Excuse me, Handjob. That's Mr. Dr. Handjob to you. That's Dr. Handase. Please, call me Handjob Potato. Excuse me, Handjob. That's Mr. Dr. Handjob to you. That's Dr. Handjob to you. Well. Oh, wow. I like it. How many times can we smell the dead body? Let's call our friend H.J. Potato.

Oh, yeah. That's one of his guys. All right, coming in. Hey, John. Hey, H.J. Hey, H.J. What's his rotting dead body smell like? What do we got here today?

It smells pretty nice. Oh, wow. Wow. Let's head back to the classroom and figure out all the things we smelled today. One. All right. Will you be coming back with us, H.J.? No, I'm on the next body.

I got places to be, things to sniff. Bye. Say bye to H.J. Potato. Okay, let's do Petty Beef. Okay. Fuck yeah, Zach, do it. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom,

where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Oh, wow. Picture an H.J. Potato getting pulled over by a police officer after landing his hot air balloon. License and registration, Mr. H.J.?

Yeah, right here. You'll see right here. I'm Dr. H.J. Potato. As you'll see right here. As you'll see right here on my certificate to fly this gosh darn balloon. It's all legal. Gosh darn tootin'. Gosh.

Tootin'. Excuse me, officer. Has anyone ever told you you smell pretty nice? Wowee. All right. Here we go. So this is coming in from our son, Donald. Okay.

And this is perfect marriage petty beef shit. Oh, I love it. Good day, Dingle Down. This is why marriage petty beef shit. Oh, I love it. Good day, Dingle Down. This is why we started this. Good day, Dingle Down, Dittling Daddies and Uncle Cousin Brother Zach. I bring forth unto you a petty beef from the shitbox of a wizard. Shitbox wizard. Eight years ago, my wife and I purchased a home that had a very well-lit garage.

Twelve eight-foot fluorescent light fixtures containing 24 bulbs at 110 watts per bulb. This sounds like a build-up to like a... It sounds like a math equation where someone has too many watermelons. Definitely overkill, but enjoyable to have light when needed. I began to spend lots of time out in the garage tinkering and such, but my wife addressed the fact that it was using too much electric, which is accurate, 3,000 watts. Lol, I get it. So, as soon as the 8-foot LED alternatives became available, I spent about $300 to replace them with the energy-saving bulbs. Before I had a chance to install them, my wife became heated that I spent that much on new lights and made me return them. So with my panties all in a bunch, I took all the original bulbs out and left just one fixture operating.

Just sitting so sad. Thought he was doing something. He's like, I'm going to surprise her. She's going to love this. She's going to love that I took... What do you think, money grows on trees? This family? Put it back!

From Napoleon Dynamite? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's one of the best scenes. I love... Get the 12-pack? Get the 8-pack? Come on, Napoleon, put it back!

I love that he's legitimately thinking that she's going to appreciate that I did this because I'm fixing a problem that I was... And I know I was using a little too much electric. I get that. So let me do something about it. I picture God damn it. Donald's out in the garage tinkering on shit. His wife goes out to check

what he wants for dinner. He just opens the door and he's just like... It's like a fucking tanning bed, right? You can hear that. She's just like, Jesus! He's just like sitting in the fucking this like white hot sun lit garage.

He has tanning goggles on working on a radiator. It'd be good for a hydroponic place. Oh, man. Anyway, it goes on to say, this backfired on me because when I finally put the bulbs back in, most of them didn't work anymore. Out of the 12 fixtures, only three

were working and dwindling fast. Have you guys had this happen? I've had it happen just here out in the laundry room outside the studio where I took a bulb out to try and replace it with an LED bulb and the LED bulb worked, but it also fucking started smoking. And I was like, all right, well, that didn't work.

That's a fire hazard. So I took it out, and then when I put the other bulb back in, it didn't work anymore. So now nothing works. They don't even sell that size fucking fluorescent bulb anymore. Because it just doesn't have a light there. They're just gone. Yeah, I don't know. Anyway, so I get what he's talking about.

Slowly, it became very depressing to sit in my dark dungeon of a garage anymore so yesterday i decided to try again and install at least a few led bulbs he's like sneaking out of the house i'll just buy one or two like he's sneaking off to like go drink but instead he's like trying to just get led what were you doing uh i was cheating on you yeah i, I was just cheating on you, like I always do. Oh, okay. So I make sure you weren't putting any energy-saving bulbs out here. No, honey, that's crazy. I was jizzing all over, like, three chicks' tits.

What's behind your back? Condoms? Is that an energy-saving light strip? No. No way. They throw it into the dark corner. So yesterday, I decided to try again to install at least a few LED bulbs, which now only eight bulbs cost a little more than $200.

Wife agreed to this, but turns out the ones I bought were compatible and did not work. God, I get it. I just fucking went through this. So I returned them and just bought 20 old school life blood sucking bulbs to put in for now, which cost the same as the eight that I just returned. This guy's on a fucking... Is this seriously a petty beef math equation? He's just like, how can I not be sad out here?

I want to be able to smile when I'm tinkering. Yeah. I came out here to smile and have a good time. Smile and tinker. I just want to make some fucking Hot Wheels. I just want to make some stuff. Why can't I do this? I can't do anything right.

I came home and started putting them in, and here comes the wife. Like a flashback from the past, pissed off all over again. Oh, those are the energy saving ones. I asked nicely to just please let there be light in my garage. Because I'm old, my eyes are worse now. And it really helps to have lots of light. Now with her panties all bunched up, she stormed off to the house and proceeded to turn on absolutely every light in the house. And told me I should add more lights all over the property so my old ass eyes can see.

Shit. Yeah, how about this Can you see now He's just crying in the garage Painting a model airplane Trying to keep the tears out of the paint He's trying to enjoy For 30 minutes, get some joy.

Oh my God. Don makes custom hot wheels. Custom scat wheels. Oh, gotcha. Yeah, so he is painting. Well, I wouldn't know that because he doesn't make anything for us. Well, I think he does.

Okay. I just haven't given it to you. Oh, yeah. From here to beautiful downtown Spokane. Okay, I added that last part for obvious reasons. And because I have actually seen

how beautiful it is now. That's right. Yeah. Your eyes really don't work. Gotcha. We got pretty poppers. Oh, yeah. We have one pretty area.

And right outside of that. No. So, let there be light or not. Peace, love, and wibbity-bibbity. Bing-bong, honk-honk, whiz. Love you, Don. Oh, man. Yeah, love you too, Don.

Yeah, so we have the comparison pictures of him when the lights aren't working. Okay? And then we have this picture of when they are working. Look at the smile. With the smile. He goes from super sad to very happy. We love Don. He's got the best smile oh man it's like

genuine genuine happiness right there let that be light yeah working on his working on his stuff isn't i mean i like i realize us as guys we do stupid shit but there's just so many stories of just like that, where just a guy trying to just enjoy something. Just try to enjoy something. Not on my watch. It's like, what is going on? I mean, there's, again, a lot of things around this. Like, okay, so here's a couple factors to throw in. One, I mean, if money is super, super tight, right?

Heading out and buying hundreds of dollars in light bulbs might be a problem, right? Does that shopping excursion put strain on other important parts of the family dynamic. Like, if Don sits in the sunbed garage and paints his Hot Wheels, does no one get to eat? Yeah, yeah. And if that's the case, then you don't get light.

You better go get a fucking sick-ass headlamp, Donald. Like, if that's the case, right? But if that's not the case your wife needs to calm the fuck down i'm gonna go with door number two on that one okay like just needs to calm the fuck down get on my ass what is what what is it that's i don't know why are you so mad about the lights out here what are you doing in there with your hot wheels painting cars yeah has he been caught in the garage?

He makes money. He's made so many scat wheels for so many listeners. Right now, somebody's looking at their scat wheel going, that guy's pretty talented. Are you his lawyer, Zach?

I am. Paying for the electricity with the extra money he's making from his Hot Wheels? Zach just doesn't want a break in his merch supply chain.

He does great work. I can't help it. John's a talented man he's like i'm not gonna find another one no like like jill said maybe if if if this is straining the family then yeah cool it or your relationship like you're not hanging out with your wife you haven't talked to her in a couple years but you're out there just talking to yourself painting hot wheels in the most welded garage of all time i uh you know i this is i just could sound completely ignorant but um it just seems to me like like guys especially like older guys usually

just have like more hobbies well he's having a thing to do than women do i think women they might have their garden or whatever the thing is but like it seems like guys have little dumb shit they do yeah the little things they do and it's like sometimes those little things that don't seem like much drive to have to work with your hands yeah and they don't it doesn't seem like much to maybe her but like that's he gets a it's like true enjoyment or they wouldn't be doing it yeah like it's i mean yeah it's, I mean, yeah, there's a lot of, Don doesn't need the whole fucking garage to paint hot wheels.

There's that. So why is he out there? Is there not a little shop we can set up somewhere? Cause you could also have a really well lit lamp. Yeah. And not have to spend 800 bucks to light up the whole fucking garage. But also, if your relationships at that point where you care that much,

I love the pettiness of her walking around turning on all the lights and being like in your old ass fucking eyes scene now. And he's just holding his Hot Wheels and he's just like... Holding his Hot Wheels. He's just standing in the garage door watching her fucking run around and turn the lights on. And he's just standing in the garage door watching her fucking run around and turn the lights on

and he's just like like knowing he's gonna have to go deal with that later but right now i'm gonna head inside this fucking well-lit garage he's already made how many trips to the store to return and buy yeah bulbs and try for sure yeah i just want to put this cherry red on this Trans Am, bitch. Yeah. I think that there's, I don't know. Why does she hate you lighting the garage so much? I'm against reducing the size of a garage for a guy. I thought you were going to say a carbon footprint. I'm against that. No.

The bigger the print, the bigger the problem. Sometimes. He wanted to have as big a garage and as much space as he needs. Right? Yeah. We don't know what he's doing. He might do Hot Wheels. He might shoot a horse tomorrow.

And if the garage is not used for anything else, I mean, I'm just trying to think of all the reasons why she would be so fucking mad about this. So here's, let me say something real quick here. Maybe she just doesn't like

to see him happy. Yeah, maybe. Some people are like that. She's not happy, so no one else gets to do happy things? So, you know, guys are with, let's say,

the main house. My wife, will be doing something get to do happy things so like you know like guys are with like let's say like the main house like my wife um when we'll be doing something and she'll be like what are you saying this or whatever and it's really the what i feel like is it's she's not really asking my opinion she's just asking to be nice to make me feel included because whatever i say she's going to do it anyway whatever she wanted to do anyway so um when you when it comes to like this when it comes to the house like guys don't have a whole lot of say and how things are done because if they if we did it wouldn't look like a nice decorate how it would

just be like a bachelor pad we're not allowed to decorate so a lot for a lot of times like that's why you can make fun of it but that's why a a lot of times a guy has a man cave or something. Because it's a space where... You can do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, you can do what you want. Or as little as you want. Yeah, or as little. It's like, because you know you're not really a part of anything in the other part of the house.

So it might throw pillows. At least here, I feel i have some uh say in something or like i my decisions matter in this little space and as much as it's petty and as lame as that might sound for a lot of guys i think that that is a it's a big part of it because it's like this is my little area yeah kind of all they got in some cases, right? If the fight comes down to money then just legit be like, I'll fucking... I'll pay this much more on the electric bill.

He'll... No, his hot wheels output will go up and then he'll pay... Whatever. Yeah. Well, Donald, I support you doing any little thing that makes you happy in this crazy fucked up sad world yeah for sure where everything can make you so fucking sad if being in a welded garage to paint

hot wheels is your thing go fucking do it yeah and some people don't like to sit in the dark like i can when i used to show up to work early at my job i'd be one of the first people there and i would it would be dark and i'd be playing like metal and people would walk by and be like dude are you okay i'm like yeah i'm fine i just don't care like i just don't i don't need like a bright room and like in positive style music like that doesn't mean i'm in a bad mood or i'm down like that just i just so some people don't get that and yeah i get it so i mean just based off the information I have, Donald, I'm on your side. Godspeed, buddy. Godspeed.

Put those fucking light bulbs in, dude. I think you've got all of our side. Rock and roll. All of our sides. We've sided you. We have all sided with you. Yeah, there he goes. Yeah.

Now scoot over. Bed small. All right. Okay. Let's take a look at some good news. This is a funny one. Zach, fucking roll it. Thanks, dude.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Old people who don't know they're old or don't want to be old make me happy. Explain. explain so this 87 year old man did something that i hope i have the balls to do later in life and it's very simple and it's very cute and the way he words his invitation is even better so doug's winter party 87 year old goes viral for sweet 4 p.m. until the cops arrive invite.

Dude, fuck yeah. Okay, so there's a video of this guy walking up and doing the whole invite. So I'm going to see if we can just play that. He's with a cane. He's struggling to get up the stairs. Come on. Come on. This computer, man. Why don't I just use my new lightning fast computer? Right. Has anybody heard that? to get up the stairs. Come on. Come on.

This computer, man. Why don't I just use my new lightning fast computer? Right. Does anybody know? Okay. Okay, here he goes. He's walking up to the ring doorbell.

He's waiting for the door to get answered. He's got a speech. Yeah. Hi. Hi. I'm done crossing the street over here, right? I. He's got a speech. Yeah. Hi. Hi. I'm Doug. Cross the street over here, right?

I live over in that house there. Okay. And that's an invite to a party on February 15th. Oh, it's doing it twice. God damn it. Fuck me. Fucking echo. Ah!

Anyway, you get the idea. He walks up there with his cane and invites him to a little winter party that he's having like no fucking reason he just decided you know what i'm gonna have a winter party and called it doug's winter party he's sitting there you think he kicked around some other names like winter extravaganza yeah and he goes i'm not doing this this is just doug's winter party if his name was dan it could have been extravaganza. And the invite said, this is an invite to a party I'm having on February 15th. I didn't want to leave it in the mailbox. He added before handing over a folded up piece of paper.

I was cracking up. I just thought it was so sweet. Hernandez told the Washington Post, who is the neighbor that got invited. I didn't get invited. Once inside, she unfolded the paper. Underneath a snowflake drawing, the card read, A Celebration of Winter. 4pm

until the cops arrive. Food and drinks on offer. Bring only a smile. The handwritten invite continued without any other details about what guests should expect. Sounds like a rager, dude. Dude. I mean, I would go.

I'd go to Doug's winter party. There's keg cups and a live band and shit. Yeah, but he just got sick of being fucking bored and did something about it. Like, no one walks around and just has a fucking party anymore. Everyone thinks their neighbors are serial killers. That's true. Or they're going to yell at you about parking. I mean, that's not... If you're thinking that way already,

this guy showing up, inviting you to a party at his house probably isn't a good look. You're like, well, I guess I'm going to die on February 15th. I guess that's what he means. Well, the cops are going to show up, though. Then the party's over. Yeah, he knows that. He's like, damn, there's only three beers here,

and he just shoots you. He's like, I told you until the cops get here. They're on their way. We don't need any more beers. the porch wait for the cops. You already called them They're fucking on their way. Here's three beers. I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking neck God Doug party sucks But just whenever there's a chance to either inspire or just kick a brain thought around to like Get back to doing fucking weird shit like this if you can mm-hmm like I see yeah Who knows maybe lost his wife? He's just sitting around the house fucking yeah

I mean this time of this time of winter is the worst It's nothing going on you're just waiting for the first day that you could put some sandals on and Fucking clean some clean your yard up and get back out there and have a life next week here which will be when this comes out yeah this week is supposed to be like mid 50s oh fuck yeah yeah dude shirt and t-shirt man yep sitting around a kiddie pool the first that first time last year uh on a 50 degree day i came rolling up school pickup and shorts and a shirt and everyone was staring at me like i was a psychopath this is a handful of years ago now but i remember that like maybe like first 60 degree day after a winter and i took uh a hose because just everyone's so fucking pumped

to be out it's sunny and not shitty and um i took the the shower faucet nozzle off, and I took a hose, and I hooked the hose up to the shower spigot, and then ran the hose out the bathroom window to the backyard and filled up the pool with hot water so that the kids could fucking play in the yard. That's sweet. Yep. And they just loved it. I'll remember it forever. Yeah, dude.

Still got pictures. And the kids, like, they were young enough, so they're just both naked. Oh, yeah. Just sprinting around the pool with a fucking hose coming out the window. It's awesome I'm just sitting there like you've weird. Yeah, you did it. Good day. You are a goddamn legend right now Yeah, fucking sweeping up some dirt like trying to do a little spring cleaning Naked kids running around flopping in the pool Miss those days days. No, I guess guess you know what's funny about that is uh so having just been

in mexico when you think about like if it would have got to 50 when we were there it would have been like jesus fucking what a miserable like you would have been wearing throwing your winter coat on but here it's like it goes from 30 or 15 whatever it was 10 it was two degrees yeah yeah and then it's like 50 degrees here. You're like, fuck, I'm putting my coats away. Dude, let's go. You can't get them in the basement, out of the way fast enough. Yeah.

And then it rains. And then the next week it snows again. It snows again. You're like, ah, shit. Guess I'll bring them back up again. Second winter is back. I could use the exercise. I'll go get them.

Yeah. All right, let's take a look at something we found on the internet. Okay. As soon as Zach plays it, we do it. This is it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Speaking of kids, this one, you know,

it's going to be short and sweet, but God, it made me laugh. And it reminded me of my childhood. My dad let my brother and I and all of our friends draw all over our

bedroom walls. Like, anything you wanted, right? From like, early middle school all the way through college. Just,

there's a bunch of pens everywhere and your friends can come over and just draw and write whatever vulgar or cool shit they wanted to on the wall right and it was great but it was also riddled with spelling mistakes um and this reminded me of that and it's a trophy that you could buy that clearly was like a kid must have drawn it and they just turn it into a trophy uh but it's a trophy that you could buy that clearly was like a kid must have drawn it and they just turn it into a trophy uh but it's on etsy check this out yore did it and it's just a terrible star it's a shitty fucking third grade star and in the middle and just text, it says, Your did it.

Twelve bucks. God, that's worth it. That's like the funniest thing. That would be great for a fantasy sports team or any kind of friend contest that you're having where you pass the trophy around. Oh, for sure. That's what you're going for? Yeah.

It's just this, Your did it. Trophy. Oh, it's Trophy. Oh, it's so good. Oh, I forgot to say this earlier. I back, you know,

I've shared this about speaking of spelling stuff, but I've shared this about like when people say it is what it is, but when you, you can actually short it to it's what it's. We do it all the time now. You do? Yeah. My wife does too.

It's what it's. It's what it's. But I, I think I was texting with Cassie and I think I said, you did it, didn't you? And I started looking at didn't you? And I was like, did not you? What? You did it, didn't you? You did it, didn't you?

You did it, did not you? What? You did it, did not you? You sound like you're having a stroke. You did it, did not you? What? You did it, did not you? You sound like you're having a stroke. You did it, did not you? Did not you? You did it, did not you? But it sounds right when you say it.

Didn't you do it? Yeah, didn't you? Did not you do it? Did not you do it? What? Didn't you do that last week? You didn't, didn't you? Yeah.

Didn't you? Yeah, did not you? Did not you do it last week? Didn didn't, didn't you? Yeah. Didn't you? Yeah, did not you? Did not you do it last week? Didn't not you? God, it's a fucking disaster. Anyway, if you search for the Your Did It trophy on Etsy, that'll pull it up.

It's definitely worth it. The text is all off-center. Yeah, all the arms are fucking not even close to being in the right spot. All right, let's hear it from the kids. Zach, fuck yeah, dude. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. All right. Our first email has nothing to do with an insane Hot air balloon disaster Definitely Sent in by our daughter Sarah who writes Daddy's an Uncle Zach That was about the cleanest

Yeah not like fuck dicks and bitch tits My bitch tits I'll be bitch tits Jew bastard commie daddy Cum daddy fuck slut I'll take that Just listening to payphone Sex dream nut glass bong Astrid, call me daddy, whatever. Cub daddy, fuck slut. I'll take that. Okay. Just listening to payphone sex dream nut glass bong,

and you started talking about Google AI update, and it suddenly occurred to me that you don't even know. Oh, fuck. Don't do that. You don't even know if my dad is dead. My throat. Take this. Some of his dad's dying Yep

I'll let him know He isn't So nur nur nur But it was It was more cancer But he had radiotherapy And we were just waiting For final scans

To say it's gone So I'm guessing This is an update about The googly eyes On the dad in the Hospital bed Which was quite a while ago Yeah it was

But she just sent it in. Anyway, I also have a hot air balloon story. Tricked ya. Tricked ya. Okay. It was incredible. While we were up there No, you skipped a paragraph. Oh, God. What is happening over there?

I'm trying not to vomit. You're just like... I'm just doing man stuff. Yep. Me hubby. Me. Me. Hubby and a five-year-old kid went to Luxor, Egypt.

Oh, lucky you. On a holiday back in 2012. On a whim, we signed up to do a hot air balloon ride down or up the Nile. You don't know. Just get in and find out. The basket had around 15 people, including us three and the pilot. It was incredible while we were up there. We could see the trucks following along.

Then we needed to land. We landed pretty roughly in a field, and the basket toppled over. Only with hot air balloons are you expected to crash land. Yeah. On your way down, do they give you a checklist of how bad this is going to be? Like that Delta flight that flipped over. You see the video of that? Sure did.

It hit so hard that it tumbled over. It was like, that wasn't supposed to happen. But a hot air balloon, it's like, might. You expect to fall. Might. Yeah. It's going to be a chance. It's going to be a chance.

They have a little duster for when you're, this is for dusting you off because everybody falls. Where was it? Checking everyone was is for dusting you off because everybody falls. Oh, where was I? Checking everyone was okay and dusting ourselves off, we look up and see several kids with long knives and farming tools creeping out of the crops. That's terrifying.

Sweet. Immediately, the pilot starts hurling some kind of get-out-of-here message when an old farmer dude comes running out screaming at the pilot. They both threw a few punches and probably shouted something like suck your mom to each other turns out the farmer wanted compensation compensation for the damage to his crops fair enough but the pilot was was tight as a duck's arse sorry i should say should say, tight as a good arse. So we turned out our pockets and jumped

into the truck and now had What's that? Just you. It's a bat. So we turned out our pockets and jumped into the truck that had now caught up with us. A few months later one of these giant hot air balloons caught fire, crashed and killed 19

out of the 21 people on board. How did the two survive? And there is a Wikipedia link directly to it. This remains to be one of my all-time favorite I could have died stories. I do have a few more for another day. Curious? You should be. Thanks for the funnies from across the pond.

Sarah. Our next email is coming in from our daughter Molly, who writes, This isn't the... No. It's like you read anything that's on the teleprompter. So, I'm Ron Burgundy? So, there was no gap. No.

No, it went straight in. Yeah, whatever. Here we go. So, can you imagine getting out of... Like, you get into a hot air balloon, you crash, and you just get up and your pilot's fist fighting a farmer? Yeah. Yeah, you're dusting off. You're like, oh, god, that was rough.

Wow, lucky to be alive. Suck my ass, bitch! With, like, a bunch of kids with fucking sickles. Mm-hmm. And you're like, we need to get out of here. Let's kill them in the corner! And while they're fighting, you just reach over and... See, we're gonna, you guys

fight this out. How hard can it be to pilot this thing? Yeah, the guys hold you to come back. Nobody knows what they're doing. You don't know what you're doing, clearly. Anyway, Sarah, that's an amazing story. I love a hot air balloon crash landing that ends with a fist fight with a farmer. It's not a twist

I thought was gonna be in the email. So our next email is coming in from our daughter Molly who writes, My boyfriend reminded me the other day about how he tried earning my love by bringing me a goose once. He was my delivery driver

before we were an item, and one morning I rolled up the garage door to him standing in the dock holding a Canadian goose. The thing that proceeded to then it flipped out and started flapping around erratically smacking him in the face

and beating the shit out of him. He let it go and that goose took off like he just had a near-death experience. Yeah. I laughed my ass off and he said don't tell me I never brought you anything. Just bleeding from the eye sockets. Apparently he got this grand idea grabbed the goose by the neck,

and stood there waiting for me to open the door, or the dock door, so he could show me the prize he'd gotten me. It was definitely a memorable part of our courtship. Men. Your loyal daughter, Molly. How long was he waiting there? The thing's just kicking and screaming. Yeah, just...

And he's just like, she's going to love this. Choking it. She's going to love how I choke this animal. He's like, don't quit wiggling. You're going to make me kill you. God, this is what men do. I don't want to snap your neck. I just want to bring you the golden goose.

Here's a dead goose. It was alive a minute ago. Why can't animals just understand that? We're just trying to help you. We're trying to help you help me. Because if you are a nice goose, I might get lucky. You ruined everything by flapping around and pecking my face. Now you're going to end up on a plate.

Now you're going to end up on a plate. And you're not even tasty. No, you're tough. Have you ever had goose? I think so. Isn't it really super gamey? I don't know. I've never had it.

I know duck is rubbery, the one that I had. Yeah. Duck neck, not a fan. You don't see that on a menu very often. It was at a ritzy place, actually. Oh, yes. Can I get the duck neck? Yum.

Yeah, would you like mozzarella bites with that? Do you want any other part of the duck? Just the neck. Just the neck. If the head's still attached, that's fine. Because N other part of the duck? Just the neck. Just the neck. If the head's still attached, that's fine. Cousin Eddie saved the neck for me, Clark. All right. Well, let me take a little breather before we head off on the bonus.

Probably a good idea. My throat is killing me. Episode 141. Hope you guys enjoyed it. If you want the bonus content, patreon.com slash candy don't podcast. Exclusive merch. A bunch of different tiers. Please head over there. Consider doing it.

It's the number one way you can make sure the show keeps going. And then follow us on Instagram and Facebook. YouTube version of the show can be found on YouTube. Duh. Can You Don't Podcast. You search for that on all the social stuff. And then if you have something you want to see on the show, the email address is duckneck at canyoudontpodcast.gov. Rate and review have something you want to see on the show, the email address is duck neck at candy.

Don't podcast. Dot gov. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. And a big thanks to our babysitters and moderate the candy. Don't playground on Facebook. Zach, you are busy boy. What's going on in the scat cast world.

Ice walls, ice walls, taking a bunch of podcast listeners through the Drake's passage in the middle of winter. Okay. Although it's actually warm this time of year. It sounds scary. It should be pretty fun. We didn't die last time. So we'll see what happens. We it's actually warm this time of year. Sounds scary. It should be pretty fun.

We didn't die last time, so we'll see what happens. We'll see what happens this time. Yeah, got a lot of people going. Thanks, guys. Yeah, you're a busy, busy guy. We're doing another Can You Don't Scat Cast card crossover thing. Yeah. When is that?

When are we doing that? It's going to be the summer of cards. Okay, card summer. Somewhere in the June area. So we have three more months of depression, and then we'll sell cards. But we do have Can You Don't characters in the 151 scat card set that's coming out in April.

April or May, somewhere in there. Okay, awesome. Love it. Again, that's scatcast.com scat with a K. Ignore us. I have a thought for you guys that I'm excited to share with you. Zach, push it. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? It's just a reminder. Besides not being able to afford it, there's literally nothing stopping you from hiring a clown to perform for just you. It's true. Look at this bozo. Dude.

How awkward would that be? It's so funny to think about you're just sitting on your couch and he just like he comes he comes in there honky honky like he's like he's like where's the party he's like just me just and you're sad like you've got like an empty fifth of fucking jack daniels and you open the door wearing like just sweatpants you're like you just go to the living room you're just holl in obscenities at him while he's performing. He's like rolls his little clown cart right here. That'll,

that'll work. Bonanza. What do you want? Like, what do you want to make? Just so drunk, just staring at a clown in your living room by yourself. It's just you two.

What do you think would be worse for him? Like if he didn't know that it was going to be you or he did know it was going to be you and he shows up like prepared. Yeah. Worst thinking you're going to a normal clown setting when you're just talking to a depressed, recently divorced dad that hired you to perform in his living room. Recently divorced dad. That had to have happened at some point in history I mean, he's just clapping. He's like yeah Doing weird moves, that's just a grown-ass man sitting there

This is great. By the way. This is great. This is just what I needed But just a reminder. Yeah, just whatever. That is true. Literally, do it right now. You could stop listening to this show and hire a clown to just come perform for you at your house. Fucking do it. That's pretty wild to think about. And he'll be there. Yeah. I mean, he's going to turn down a gig?

No, address to the nines. How many clown gigs do you think somebody gets now? That hour and a kid's birthday? Yeah. Yeah. Just fucking do it. How many clown gigs do you think somebody gets now? That hour and a kid's birthday? Yeah. Yeah. Just fucking do it. How many kids are getting clowns? When was the last time you went to a party where there was a clown performing?

I don't think I've ever been to one. Just at a fair. Maybe one. Go into a fair. Like, there's clowns that are, like, hired for those situations. But they're out there right now. I'm anywhere. It's a dying industry.

Help one out. Joe, go fucking film it and hire you getting a clown. I want to see it so bad. All right. After the bonus stuff, you want to say bye? Yeah. Bye. Bye.

Bye.