Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Anal. Fat Folds. Back Hair. Johnny Cash.

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Maybe we're just uninformed about the topic... but it seems like metal detectors should be able to detect an entire gun being hidden inside some fat rolls, yeah? Let's talk about that, Uncle Zaq being super hairy, accidentally having anal sex for four years, your cat having the face of Tommy Lee Jones, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/DBtmSEEC6MMSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Amel, Fat Folds, Back Hair, Johnny Cash I have a very important question. Okay. Favorite Nintendo 64 game of all time. Ready? Go. Goldeneye or Mario Kart. Those were just so good.

So good. Zach? Goldeneye. Goldeneye. Wasn't Star Fox one of those too? Star Fox. I tried to go back and play Star Fox, and it didn't hold up for me. Do a barrel roll.

So on Xbox, they have Goldeneye available for free on Game Pass. Yeah, they do. Downloaded that, started playing. I'm like, oh, my God, I forgot about it. It wasn't great compared to a lot of the first-person shooters now. Yeah. But it was fun. It was fun to play. Did the same with Star Fox.

Not as fun. No, didn't make it. NBA Jam. That was pretty. NBA Jam was fun. It was fun to play. Did the same with Star Fox. Not as fun. No, didn't make it. NBA Jam. That was pretty... NBA Jam was good. What was the other one? NBA Jam, that was more Super Nintendo for me. NBA Hangtime? Was that the one on 64? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Sega, too.

Yeah, the reason why we're saying all this is episode 64. In case you're like, why are they talking about this? I think San Francisco Rush 2049 was one of my favorites on 64 and of course Mario so I was just going to say like I never really loved Mario but it was cool because it went from

side scrolling game to just full open world which for kids when that came out at the time was crazy an open world where you could just walk around and do whatever with no schedule, really. That was big.

Go fuck off, climb a tree, do a little handstand out of the tree. Remember that move? Mm-hmm. Sometimes an extra... What's that?

We've never gone back either, have we? No, we have not. Absolutely not. Because they... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that's exciting stuff. Hey, support us on Patreon

if you can. Oh, yeah. Thanks to everybody who has. You'll find a link in the episode description. Well over 300 now. Thank you guys so much. Last week, thanks for all the positive feedback about lap time with Uncle Zach. Yay.

The things that you want Zach to dive into. You got some conspiracy theories. You got some just some wacky shit. Whatever it is, you can send that in and try to get it submitted into lap time. Zach would love that shit. Hey guys at canyoudontpodcast.com. That is the email address. Before we get into today's show, our son Big Mike.

And he is big. I mean, he's always been big. Big kid. He came out 11 pounds. I remember that about Big Mike. Are you serious? No. No idea.

I just wanted to pretend like I was there and being his dad. Oh. He says, hey, guys. And this is going back to us talking about the failed promotion. And he witnessed this firsthand. He says, hey, guys. I worked at Red Lobster in Billings during the endless crab promotion. WWE came to town.

Oh, God. And three or four wrestlers came in. And between the group of them, I remember we went through a shit ton of crab. I got to peek out when it was slow and saw Mark Henry at the bar. Oh, yeah. He alone ate sexual chocolate. Yeah. 13 pounds of lobster.

That seems low, but considering- 13 pounds of food? Oof. Of just lobster? That's pretty nuts. You know how much that guy could lift? Yeah. He was the world's strongest man.

Like, think about eating a hamburger. You got a quarter pounder, right? Yeah. Quarter pound. Yeah. So now that's a lot of those to make 13 pounds of food. Yeah. That's crazy to me.

That's bigger than most food challenges, I think. Yeah. Well, maybe the the lobster the body and everything the the carcass was included in the weight yeah and then he's just eating a little bit of meat and big mike has a weird flex here you ready he says i'd like to claim i'd like to make the claim to fame that i bagged his crab cooked his biscuits and washed his dishes yeah took him to the cleaners Saying that out loud

I realize I sound like such a loser Thanks for being the best daddies ever Big Mike Of course Pretty awesome Was that Yeah that was probably right In his prime too

I love Mike Henry How much prime rib Could he eat A lot 13 pounds worth More than that Alright should we just jump into the show We got a lot of show to get to today

Do we Yeah You want to yell at Zach? No, you do it It's your thing Okay, Zach! Hey, shut up! It's not the show already

I wanna do it because then Someone will be like You weren't there when you started doing that You don't get to do it You're dumb Boom Yeah I'm happy to be yelled at by anyone just avoiding that yeah you

are a little sis boy people get really pissed about that kind of stuff we have a goofy would you rather this week last week we went hardcore uh with the dildo bike and what else what was the other one i don't remember that was a week ago. Yeah, yeah. Dildo bike. Ah, fuck. I forget. Oh, yeah. Then the guy just magically appears and pounds you in the ass for five minutes a day. Oh, yeah.

For whatever it was. Or six times. He talks dirty to you. Yeah, two times a week or something like that. Anyway, so opposite of that, would you rather have a cat with a human face or a dog with human hands? Oh, that's creepy. Well, my first thought, you know, the first thing that popped in my head was for people who like to put peanut butter on their wiener with their dog. Now he's got hands, too.

Yeah, you don't have to do anything. He's licking and got the hands. Matt's best friend. Yeah. Best BFF Best friends forever At that point Got hands Yeah that's a funny thought

First just the visual Of looking at a dog Like his picture Like a little shaggy poodle Or something And it's just got Normal human hands And sitting on the couch

And just like Cracking its knuckles Twiddling his thumbs Cracking its knuckles and the amount of shit that your dog could get into all the time like you thought they would find their way into like getting something off the counter before i'm like oh bad dog you give these guys hands your pantry's gonna be open every you go all right don't do anything bad while I'm at work, Rufus. Okay. Second you leave, ripping everything open.

They're building shit like the A-Team. Yeah. Well, here's a thought, though. Sure, they're doing all that, but you're not taking them for a walk. Because they're not just walking on hands now. Well, they'd have to. Yeah, but they wouldn't. What would they do?

Imagine you walking around on hands. I guess. have to yeah but they wouldn't what would they do imagine you walking around on hands i guess like because they had their paws are built for walking on rocks and off-road material yeah i mean they'll get calloused up right turn into like kind of what they have for paws but i mean how do raccoons do it which could i say something for a second us as a collective as a all of humankind i think one of the biggest places we dropped the ball was not domesticating raccoons agreed what are we what are we doing we got thumbs and everything they're so funny and you're like yeah well they're gross like yeah they wouldn't be though because they could have been like just like a cat or a dog in our houses taking care of getting

their getting their rabies shots you know like like all the pets but in case but now i was like oh they're just bad bad people well those raccoons domesticating animals started a long time ago i know so and we missed we should have got raccoons they got screwed out of the deal maybe they just figured well we've got cats and dogs do we really need another one do we need a better version of all of these? Yeah. Do we need to upgrade a lot? They're so cute.

They're dumb little hands. Plus, they're basically, their faces are built for robbing stuff. Yeah, they're built in robber mask. Yeah. Our ancestors didn't trust them. Yeah, that's it. Stealing my heart is one thing he's going to be robbing, you know? You get it.

I just think we should have more raccoons anyway. Think about telling your dog to shake. It's got human hands. He does like the whole like, the pound it. The fist bump pulls you in and gives you a pat on the back. I mean, who's petting who? I'll scratch your back, but guess what? You better be petting my back now, dog.

God, if my dog could comprehend the idea of just like tickling and scratching my back, there's nothing better. Around their little hand on your forearm. Let's see. Because you instinctively lay next to a dog and you just pet it. You know, like it's just, there's this weird deal. Like they want to get petted and we pet them. And like it's it's it's just there's this weird deal like they they want to get petted and we pet them and we all love it everyone's everyone's winning yeah uh so yeah

if they could return the favor like i love you so much you start scratching your back you just go nuzzle up next to your dog and they just they just start scrapping your oh needing like like doing it the right way i need youhmm. I need you to do that. Oh, that's good stuff. Have you... Do you... Well, this is a whole other thing. Do they have like massage shops that are just for like...

Dogs? Back tickling or like scratching? Because I would pay for that. Like just a little back tickle? Like not deep tissue? Yeah. But surface tissue? Like you just lay on there and they just stand there and they're like, they like tickle your

back and kind of scratch with their nails. You can pay me. 20 bucks for a hug. Yeah. 20 bucks. No, I don't need a hug. I just want, like, that's one of my favorite things is just like. You know, tickle touch.

Yeah. Just like this, just, you know. 20 bucks. I'll tickle your back. I would gladly pay the same price for a massage to have that. That's a funny thought. I can imagine going into a spa and be like, all right, what kind of, you want like a deep tissue? I would gladly pay the same price for a massage to have that. That's a funny thought. Can you imagine going into a spa and be like, all right, what kind of, you want like a deep tissue?

No, more like just on the skin. More like tickle me. Yeah, I just want to be tickled. Hans. And not like tickle, tickle. But like tickle thing and then come back over it with the nails. And give you goose bumps. Goose bumpy tickles.

From a giant Russian Vlad. Yeah, I don't care who it is. How deep do you want? And you're like, just tickle me. Just surface. Yeah. Goosebumps tickles. From a giant Russian Vlad. Yeah. I don't care who it is. How deep you want. And you're like, just tickle me. Just surface. Okay. Yeah.

Giant strongman hands tickling you. I want the knuckles deep you want. Yeah. Right. I have many scruples, many knuckle. I just want surface. Going back to you wondering like how they would walk around. The sound of their hands.

Just slapping? Like walking across the hardwood floor. It'd sound like my five-year-old. Yeah, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap. But it would be slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap. It'd be four of them. Twice as many because they have four legs, Joe. Yeah, well, they get four hands. I guess get the front two are just hands.

They get four hands i guess get the front two or just hands they get four i don't know because people people call the front paws hands on dogs anyway i picture them having all four all four are human hands yeah uh let's jump over to the cat with the human face here for a second cats already are so disappointed just in you like whatever accomplishment you're like my cat's gonna be so proud of me when i get home that cat's never proud of you no you could you saved the world from just a nuclear war you fed them you did something for them and they're still not impressed yeah they're just pissed that you got home late they're hungry you're like i just saved all of us they're like put the food in the bowl and get the fuck out yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah get the fuck out of here put some food and then get out of here but then with a human face

the amount of dis like disappointment they could project oh it's like a teenager oh yeah you'd have a it's having a cat would be like having a fucking angsty teen yeah where you could be on the best vacation ever and you look over and you wouldn't know it you think you're chipping them off to imprisonment camp is this still a pet if it has a human face like is it still do you still consider it or at that point i feel like if i had a human face it's almost like you see it as a kid well some people do see their animals as kids but like more that's just until they have actual kids but yeah yeah the cutest part of a cat is their cute face so it's

negating the cute face of a cat so you know yeah now it's just a little shit kid really it puts its butthole in your face to wake you up whose face it is is a big deal too yeah like is it tommy lee jones wow that's going back yeah that's a that's a face that's a face on a cat that one's not india just that old or hannibal lecter what was his name that actor anthony hopkins yeah that's a face on a cat you wouldn't want god that's scary uh uh al pacino but like al Pacino now. Yeah. What about carrot top on a cat head? Oh, no. And then how much is the face just like a hairy face?

Or is it like just you have skin, human skin? It's got to be full on just human skin, right? Like it stops at the neck. Yeah. Dude, I'm not going to your house if you've got a cat with a human face. Can you imagine you come over and sit on the couch? It walks over and it sits up on the couch and lays next to you and looks up at you and it's just got a human face. Dude, I would leave.

You can plan the... Maybe you're the one that... You're trying to do something nice. You have a surprise birthday party. You're throwing a surprise birthday party. It's going to be a great party. All my friends, all my family's going to be there. You know, all the fun games are going to be there. But you have that cat with a fucking human face i'm not going to my

own birthday party you guys can have fun without me i'm not going to your house does it talk or does it meow that's what i was just i was just gonna ask that it feels like no that's even makes it weird like a human face just going well yeah that would fuck me up. Yes, it would. Are you hungry, buddy? Are you hungry? Meow. Oh, man. I hate that. But what if it did talk? Like, hey, are you hungry? Because you know when you talk, you know that they're not going to respond.

You're like, who's a hungry boy? You hungry? Are you hungry? He's like, yeah, fucking idiot. It's been a couple hours. Every single time, it's the repeat of what you said in a mocking voice. Oh, you have fun today? Did you have fun today?

What do you think? Every single thing single thing god damn this thing's okay this is the picture that i want to paint for for you and zach this cat is an outdoor cat your whole neighborhood is gonna be so scared you put you're turning the you're going out back to you know clean up the barbecue and in your backyard is this fucking cat walking along your fence line looking at you he's fucking tommy lee jones just walking the fence line you're like fuck that's how cryptids get you gotta make their way into the history books because how do you explain that shit honey i saw it again get the gun you tried to explain that you're not gonna believe what i just saw what did you see tommy

lee jones on the did i see tommy lee yes i told you it was real you dedicate your whole life trying to catch this human face exactly setting up like bo face exactly and it's so smart you can't get it way up in the trees looking down at you oh my god it's so scary does it still lick itself oh yeah you and it looks right at you yeah there's one quick like and then stare so picture tommy lee jones, but with a leg straight up. It's going. Just looking at it. And you get close and he's like. And then runs off.

It's like, God damn it. It's like. Hacks up some yellow shit. Saw Tommy Lee Jones licking his leg again. Like, babe, how many times? Are you still going to therapy? Yes. It's real, hon.

God. How could I make that up? Why would I make that up? Imagine trying to explain that to anybody. So, who stole your whatever? Okay, I know it sounds weird. Tommy Lee Jones' face on a cat. Just trying to explain that. Tommy Lee Jones' face has

a mouse in its mouth and it's proud. It drops it off at your feet and it's purring on your legs. Watching a cat hunt but it's got a human face. And it's Tommy Lee Jones now? Yeah, of course. In his prime right now. This is his prime?

It is to me. I'm talking about cat faces. For cat faces, this is perfect time it is to me i'm talking about cat faces for cat faces this is perfect time it could have never been better uh i'm gonna have to go with the i mean even though it's so terrifying i'm going with the cat human face thing just because you give dogs hands they're basically giant raccoons like they're gonna get into everything you can't even have them oh you're in a bank vault what if they don't know how to use them yet like you get them in the phase where they have hands but they haven't figured out how to use like a baby they still like

like they just they have a thumb but they don't know how to their brain doesn't know how to use it exactly like they they have it but they just yeah you're just waiting for it to happen you're like oh god once he figures out how to use that this is gonna be interesting tiny little wiener dog like me with giant hands huge floppy hands he's tripping over him oh my god what a sight what a sight but i'm yeah just because they'll get into everything i wouldn't be able to leave them anywhere. They'd be grabbing people. I mean, dogs are jerky. They rub their junk and stuff. You ever seen that one?

If you give a dog hands, they're just going to jerk off all day. All day. They're already doing it anyway. How is that different than me? Just me and a person? Yeah. All day is the difference. They don't have jobs, so I guess, yeah.

If you didn't have to be anywhere, you'd be doing the same thing. Yeah guess if you didn't have to be anywhere you'd be doing the same thing yeah and he doesn't have to be anywhere ever so he is just jerking off your cat your couch is ruined gotta buy those plastic furniture covers oh man it's terrible trojan couch covers a little throwback i heard zach laugh he gets it that's cool i was trying to yeah i don't know man what are you gonna go with the dog that's cool i was trying to yeah i don't know man what are you gonna go with the dog that's cool i don't know it's just i'm trying to visualize a cat with a tommy lee jones face a lot and that just we have some artists out there in the listening community i want you want to take a stab at drawing a cat with tommy lee jones's face put that on a shirt

put that yeah wow that couldn't be any more confusing just in time for halloween it's in time for halloween yeah a nice yeah it's supposed to be i bet you oh i i have you know what while we're doing this show maybe i'll i'll log into uh the ai and see what ai can come up with see if we can do a tommy lee jones with a cat face yeah okay i like that okay i while you're getting that all ready to go we're gonna move on because i have um that's pretty embarrassing you ready yeah all right zach you go buddy hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about so So, I was in San Francisco.

When this comes out, it was last week. Did you have yourself a San Francisco treat? San Francisco treat. Ding, ding. No, I went with my girlfriend. She had to go there for work. So, I basically was the carry-on bag. That was kind of my role.

I was just there for moral support. You're doing a good job. It was a grand total of, I don't know, 24, 30 hours That we were in San Francisco I was able to see the Braves Take on the Padres Not Padres, Giants What the hell?

Where the hell did the Padres come from? It's California And they came back and they beat them And that was fun That's not the point of my story They do both look like they're wearing UPS jerseys Yeah, that's true the point of my story they do both look like they're wearing ups jerseys yeah that's true uh so san francisco and as you know in order to fly on an airplane you've got to go through

an airport right don't have the best track record with going through airports oh god right um if you're not familiar with my switchblade saga, you can go back and listen to whatever episode. I'm sure Switchblade is in the title. It's probably in the title. It's hard to set this one up without just telling them. I went through airport security again with a Switchblade in my backpack. How have you not learned your lesson? Yay!

Well, let me try to explain. So, weeks before that, I lost my switchblade. I didn't know where it went. I used it to open some stuff. I remember setting it on my dining room table and then it just vanished. That was the last I remember seeing it. And I was like, well, it doesn't, knives just don't disappear. It's got to be somewhere.

So I'm looking all over. I take my backpack and I go through it. Like I'm going through the main pouch. I'm going through the smaller pouch. It has like a bunch of shit in it. And I'm pulling it all out. There's no knife when I'm going through it. So here I am.

Last second, I'm like, yeah, sure. I'll go to San Francisco. So I pack up my backpack. I only need like one shirt, one underwear, one sock, pair of socks. One sock. That's it. What choice was supposed to bring two fuck um and so i'm going through airport security and the my bag stops again and my girlfriend she

looks at me and i'm like what she goes oh and i went no and she was like they're talking pull up is this your is your baton ice going no way i was like is there a switchblade in it and he's like yep and they're illegal i'm like i know they're illegal like i again blah blah and it was the same process i had to go through before now here's the thing in two weeks my first offense for switchblade was gone and i finally was able to get my tsa pre-check back right uh homeland security took it away and then i couldn't use the tsa pre-check i had because i had to wait for a year for my switchblade offense to to go away so i was a couple weeks away from that happening accidentally went back through with a bigger switchblade as we talked about because i bought a bigger one twice as

illegal twice as illegal luckily they weren't they were not nearly as mean this time as they were last time. When I was with my kids, they just wanted to scare everybody as much as they possibly could. And this time, the officer walked up and he goes, the knife laws in this state are fucking ridiculous. He whispers that. And I was like, I know. He goes, I'm from Alaska. And he goes, I've never, I don't think there's any other, there's a couple more States that have stricter laws on knives in Washington.

And he goes, and it's a, you know, it's a hunting outdoor state. He goes, I don't get it. I've never, I'll never get it. And he goes, he goes, I'm not going to cite you. I'm going to cite you. He goes, I'll just take it. So he, I didn't get anything. He just wanted the switchblade.

Yeah. You stuck it right in his pocket. Um, so that's his congratulations. And, uh, but but the the tsa still has to report it so uh i'm surprised you're not on a no-fly list i know but this is two so i'm gonna get another letter from the department of homeland security i everything what is that oh there's water being turned on outside if you can hear it in the microphone sorry about that um someone flushed the toilet and i asked some people if if getting two of them would get me on the guinea sort of no fly list and they're like no you're just not gonna get your tsa pre-check again so i got another year of uh

not being able to use my tsa pre-check so that's cool pretty cool that's unreal and then just like last time guess what i did the second I sat down in my seat? Ordered a new switchblade? Ordered a new switchblade using the airport internet. Is it even bigger? It's huge. This one's going to be twice as big as the other one. It's a nine-inch blade.

You can ride it. It's got wheels and shit. It's one of those gimmick knives that are like this big. No, it's freaking Crocodile Dundee. That's not enough. That not enough that's enough just a massive switchblade it's a switch sword is what it is yeah it is at that point so um i'm a i don't know i'm a fucking idiot you're a perpetual fucking idiot yeah and i don't i almost didn't buy another one i was like it just keeps getting you in trouble and i'm not trying to i just forget

that because it's not illegal here. Because I just forget that it's in my backpack. Because that's where, when you're hiking around and doing stuff, like that's where knives go. So I'll probably just have to get a knife for my backpack. Well, just don't get a switchblade. I know. I just love them because they're perfect for access. I get it.

Yeah. But it just feels like at this point, let's just get a regular knife A legal knife At least one for the backpack That they can just take away I love that you looked around for it Thinking I think it's in here And then you're like it must not be I know and I looked hard

I got all the shit out of the way I pulled it all out and I didn't see it Reached my hand in there Nothing on the bottom You know what you need to do Get a little handheld wand metal detector metal detect myself and just have it there so before you fly just check all your shit to make sure this becomes such an issue i have to set up a mock tsa in my house like the night before you just go through whoever i'm traveling with just

to not be embarrassed or make sure i can still go on the plane, they put a little TSA outfit on and they sit in my living room like, put your bag through. Isn't this a little ridiculous? Rubber glove time. You know it's ridiculous. Yeah. And you talk about it like you would the person at the airport. I mean, you go through it stringent. Yeah.

Just like it does. Shoes off. Just yelling at you, making things more stressful, which is a topic for another time. And you feel like people behind you are just... About to kick you in the back. Is there anything more fucking stressful than doing that? And I don't know why they intentionally make it more stressful. And you know what's crazy about it?

Is, like, your shoes are are off your hair's all in a tussle you feel dirty like what did i just go through when you by the time you get through that i feel dirty here's your stuff back yeah you throw it down the conveyor belt go put your pants back on idiot that's the way it feels like a walk of shame type of thing the belt thing that's fucked yeah the guy grabbed my dick while i was in line and i wasn't even getting on an airplane It feels like a walk of shame type of thing. The belt thing. That's fucked. Yeah, the belt thing is... I had a guy grab my dick while I was in line, and I wasn't even getting on an airplane. Where were you? I was just walking my kid to his airplane.

You were at McDonald's? Yeah. I was just outside at the Albertsons, and the guy just came up. I'm from TSA. This is the driveway right outside your house. Oh, well, that guy's not supposed to be there. Well, how am I supposed to know? He said he was TSA.

He had a uniform on. He had an ear thingy that talks to people I'm very trusting It's a homeless fellow that dresses up in a TSA outfit And just frisks people Like out on the streets And then steals their wallets Sorry Just doing my job

Yeah, you're walking into a restaurant And there's a guy that's like, just doing my job like yeah you're walking into a uh like a restaurant there's a guy it's like let's do my job like weird he's just squeeze your job in the dude we're in a parking lot right i'm trying to pay for parking i don't know what to tell you just squeeze dick pat on the butt all right you're good to go all right i love using that line in any situation You walk up And put anything Into what you're doing And say sorry I'm just doing my job Just doing my job I don't make the rules

I don't make the rules just enforce them That's the classic Sorry about that Just doing my job I tell it to my kids all the time Sorry we can't do whatever Sorry I don't make the rules they absolutely make the rules dad you literally just made the rule you said i make

the rules yeah well i don't make the rules what to each his own it is what it is a bunch of different cliches so i'm sorry um i don't know if i end up in prison if we ever want to fly anywhere and i can't that's why We're flying separate For sure I feel I feel sorry for Cassie Yeah I'm sorry

Does she know about the previous Oh yeah Oh yeah She knows all about it Okay Well she's probably never Going to travel with you again She did a good job

Of not like Being Like laughing hysterically How embarrassing For a person that just flies All the time And now she's like And she's been waiting patiently For me to get my TSA pre back

And then now Another year at least What a dumbass I know okay let's take a look at some dick Okay Zach get it buddy Is it dumb Is it interesting Is it cool

Then it's dick Reddit beep. Bounce. This was sent in by our son Gregory. He actually sent this in. He commented on something on our Patreon page. And I was like, dude. That's got to make it into the show.

So here we are. A couple desperate for baby having. Let me try this again. What? Couple desperate for baby, having sex wrong way for four years, and the wife is still a virgin. What?

Ready? On the ear. Ow! I can't hear anything. Is sex supposed to be this loud? I mean, I've heard of a wet willy, but ooh! This is great. A married couple desperate for a baby have been told they've been having sex the wrong way for four years,

which is why they failed to conceive. The pair, who have not been named, are aged 26 and 24. They are very sheltered kids, right? They should know better. I know. This is the problem when you shelter too much. They sought out professional advice after having no joy getting pregnant, despite having intercourse regularly.

But alarm bells rang when medics discovered the wife was a virgin. She then admitted sex was usually painful for her every time. You guys have any idea what could be happening? The couple were very young. The man, 26, and the woman, 24. This is the doctor, Hong Mei. Hong Mei. Dr. Hong Mei.

They were very healthy, but despite being married for four years, couldn't conceive. Their family was giving them a lot of stress because of it, she added. While asking about the wife's medical history during the visit, Louie was told, or Lao Louie? Lou? I don't know the language. Bing-a! Was told that the couple had sex regularly. The wife also revealed the experience was usually painful for her every time, but she suffered through it in the hope of becoming pregnant.

The women's symptoms led Dr. Lou to believe that she may have had some sort of gynecological disease, but Lou said she was shocked when an examination revealed the wife was a virgin. So here's how it goes. According to China's something something, inspected the woman's anus. It was then that the medic is said to have learned that the couple had been mistakenly having anal sex for four years, resulting in their failure to conceive. Dr. Lou reportedly

handed the couple, or yeah, handed the couple, uh, what? What the fuck is this sentence? That's not real. They got a handbook that gives them sex education. Got it. She also gave them guidelines before they were sent home. The advice appeared to work as news of the wife's

pregnancy arrived just a few months later. They went home and they reportedly informed a now retired doctor that they were finally expecting by sending a hundred eggs and a live hen as gifts to her former hospital. Nice. Okay. That's a new one for me.

Here's a chicken. Thanks for all your help. Here's 100 eggs and a hen. I mean, think if someone did that here. Just because, I don't know, there's some tradition. There's obviously some culture here. And there's some, you know, this sort of gift. But just doing that, like you just came to America and you thought that's what everyone did.

And this couple, like you're just a doctor going about your day like, ma'am. You show up to a dinner party and you bring a hen. Yeah. Instead of a bottle of wine. It's like, here's your hen. And a hundred eggs. Yeah. Like, what? Everyone brought like here's your hen and a hundred eggs yeah everyone brought like a housewarming dessert someone brought a wine and you show up with a with a uh cage

he's like thanks he's holding a bunch of eggs like in your shirt thanks for having us where do you want me to put the hen uh put it over with the other you can put it over by the sausages i don't know just put it put it in the oven i guess um do you think the dude was just playing dumb the whole time like you know dude stuff yeah he just like i'm like sure i'm gonna get away with this as long as i possibly can uh i i don't i don't know any other explanation other than they obviously didn't have any sort of sex education nothing but how i mean as a as a woman how do you not know that that's i know i can't you you've never explored they've done anything down there you've just somehow avoided that but how do you

not in you're 24 years old how do you not know the difference yeah yeah i mean it just finds it's bizarre to me in all of those years you've been pooping so you have to know where your butthole is like did you think that wasn't a hole like it's just no because you pee out of it yeah i'm just kidding sometimes you pee out of your pee hole i have yeah you pee out of your pee hole and then below that would be the vagina um but like having never that's right i'm just giving you a little yeah yeah low-key low-key lesson i don't want you to anatomy lessons yeah i don't want to give you yeah see this is why you're too embarrassed this is why these people didn't because they didn't even get that far they're just surprised you didn't have a dick yeah i i also i saw picturing like they're like wow she's still a virgin and the guy's like

i've been having so much sex i don't understand what's going on but it's he's been having sex with another chick oh okay that's a little yeah so he's dark twist it's like her twin sister and they've been having sex till he's like i don't get it and then you cut to the other chick she's had so many kids so many yeah i don't i don't know how that i don't have no idea i have no idea how that could happen but as soon as you're sent in just know that if you think that maybe you're a little sexy or sexual vanilla whatever the word would be you think you're a little vanilla on the bed just go go ahead and relate back to these people be like god maybe not someone who's even someone who's

like a couple they're both virgins you would should still know yeah that right like i have no idea how you would not know where your vagina hole is or in that you have you have eyes and you have hands and you have a pussy but if you know that sex is what makes a baby right how would you not know that the vagina is where you need to put it i have no idea that's just that's where it goes i don't it just seems so this is why sex ed is valuable i guess i know because even if you just weren't sure like you've got door two doors let's see what's behind door number two johnny or whatever yeah oh no there's a zonk let's just at least try that one once yeah like oh wow that feels like my butthole oh yeah i think you're right it smells like your butthole too what's

this other one do and it smells like one two oh that one feels a little bit better oh great let's stick with this one well that was a much easier to to penetrate yeah wow how about that uh okay let's move on let's move on to a to another dick what'd you what you got this week all right my guy gunshot victim at white socks game reportedly snuck weapon in by hiding it in her fat folds. I mean, I could see fucking a fat fold over just straight anal for four years. Am I right? Okay. Like sneaking your gun in your butthole?

Like a mini gun? Like a tiny little one that would go in your purse or something? Okay. Two women were wounded by gunfire during Friday night's Oakland Athletics-Chicago White Sox game at Guaranteed Rate Field. There it is. The incident in the field left bleachers did not stop the game at all and made for a bizarre and confusing story over the weekend with many people speculating where the bullets may have come from.

This morning, it was looking more clear that whomever fired the gun must have been inside the stadium. I remember hearing something about it. There's a video. You're probably not going to watch it because there's no audio. It shows the gunfire going off. And, like, nobody cares. It's Chicago. I know.

One, it's Chicago. And two, it's America. And then three, no one fucking cares. Like, a gun goes off and everyone's like, popcorn. And the kids are just still like, no one stops. The world keeps going on. They're jumping up and down the stairs like, yay, having fun. Probably because they didn't think, oh, that's a gun.

That's a gun. It was muffled. Yeah. Because it was in a fat fold. Yeah, it just sounded like a like it was like like that's all you heard like what was that did someone fart never mind yeah it's just it's such a perfect silencer to be inside of some fat folds uh was it i was gonna say like a butt dial but like a fat tummy fire that's a fire tummy fire

fat fire like that way more than tummy fire. That sounds like diarrhea. ESPN Chicago, Peggy Clemson provided the next chapter of the tale with a tweet for the ages indicating that one of the injured women had snuck the gun into the stadium by holding it in the folds of her belly fat. As I reported on the shooting at the Guaranteed Rate Field during White Sox game was indeed an accidental discharge. An accidental discharge from

fat folds. By one woman, by one of the women grazed by the bullet, she reportedly snuck the gun in past metal detectors, hiding it in the folds of her belly fat. As crazy as it sounds, accidental discharge is only, the only scenario that made sense.

Specifics of how it allegedly went down, though, are not something anyone ever expects to read. Also, did you know that metal detectors of MLB games can be foiled by a hefty person who with no qualms was stashing a loaded gun into their nether regions? Seems like a bit of a problem. Yeah. That's what I was gonna say like what the like how is the metal detector not catching a gun just because there's some fat in the way what does that say about human fat yeah how thick is this fat uh but i mean it's a metal detector right it's a gun what the fuck it's a no it's not a plastic gun was it i don't know maybe it was

like a really really old gun it was made of wood yeah it was like a wooden gun and that's one of those rubber band ones folded folded in folded up why why did she bring the gun to the game i have no idea maybe she lost it worse. Yeah, it's like she forgot it was in there. Where's my switchblade? Yeah. Oh, shit! There it is. It's in my butt. Oh, no, it's in my waist folds. Kind of convenient, though. Could you imagine, like, a built-in cargo pants? So, like,

two people in, like, a showdown. Okay. Like, they're at the OK Corral. Yes, they are. It's high noon, and they're standing there, and they're about to have a shootout. Yes. Instead of having a holster, it's in their belly fat.

Draw! They have to lift up their fat fold. It's all sweaty. Sweaty. Drop it. That was a sandwich. Can't find it. That was a sandwich. Like pulling the wrong ones out of the way. Like, where did I keep it? Like, you're going through a filing cabinet. Like,'t find it. That was a sandwich. Like pulling the wrong ones out of the way. Yeah. Like, where did I keep it? Like, you're going through a filing cabinet.

Like, where did I? Oh, that's my lunch. That was last week's lunch. Oh, there it is. I picture, like, the old school, like, where they just show, like, her legs down. So she lifts up, and then all of a sudden she's falling out. It's like a lunch pail. Ladder.

Weird. Yeah, all just weird shit falling out. Their nephew. A steering wheel. Yeah, their lost child. You know, they thought they lost her. Just in the belly the whole time, playing with guns. There's missing signs up all over things.

Yeah, a kid's in there. That's probably what happened. Yeah, a kid's in there fucking around with guns. The kid misfired the gun. Give him a T. He's like, we need something to play with. First of all, if it's in your fat hole, how do you set it? I mean, it's gotta be cocked

And loaded and no Safety Maybe reaching in to grab it But accidentally fired it I don't fucking know, dude It's just crazy And then before we jump off to Petty Beef While coming across

The gun at the White Sox game article Another article from Chicago Popped up that I figured, you know, why not? Why not just keep going with Chicago? Chicago TV news crew robbed at gunpoint while reporting on a string of robberies. Oh, my God. I love those ones. It's just like the... Right themselves.

Yeah. Irony. You get the idea. They ran up. There's three armed men wearing ski masks stole all the the crew's shit and then took their camera what a bummer yeah five o'clock in the morning they're like man it's pretty bad around here and then people do you think they laughed a little bit the robbers how do you like like in their head like this would be really funny you know they were on

the way to rob like just another house or a grocery store or a convenience store and they're like they overhear them talking like oh shit they're talking about how many robberies but this would be really or they're at their robber hideout their their lair and they're watching the news and they're and they're like oh shit this would be prime hey get up get up yeah it's five in the morning we're not supposed to go we're not going to we just got back from robin 7-eleven no this is different this is different we're gonna get a probably no money and a big camera that we can't do anything with yeah but we'll have the evidence yeah imagine the the news station the person's like oh do you never believe what just happened and then the the news station the person's like oh do you never believe what just happened and then

the the news like the the producer is like yeah but do you have the camera yeah did you get the story that was what happened really they have i was looking for footage of it but they weren't going live they were shooting like for a story a lot of news does that by the way they say they're live they're not live yeah um it's's a package. It is a package. And they got the camera stolen, so the story never made it. So, double bummer, bro. Those are hard cameras to use, too. Yeah.

Not just anybody can use those. They probably grabbed it. Hard to sell a broadcast-grade camera to somebody. I was just thinking that. Like, that's a hell of a deal but i'm not gonna fit in my pocket and then especially like a lot of times people steal shit and then they'll go sell it at a pawn shop or whatever imagine showing up in a pawn shop and the guy's like oh i remember that story happening or he's like he's like is this and this was yours yeah that was mine he's looking at it it. It's like KTVB.

I've done my initials. My name is Kevin Vanderbilt. Bitch. Thomas. Thomas Bitch Taco. What? I told you. My name is Kevin Vanderbilt Bitch Taco. I had hippie parents.

Hippie parents. I don't know. Do you want the camera or not? Of course I want the camera. Yeah, but I mean, the most i can give you for it is like 400 he's like it's 400 pounds he leaves the he sells the guy watches the video back and it's just the guy like with the camera on his face like all right how do we erase this yeah he's talking his mask off it's all detailed stuff he's like all right we're back at our it's still it's still

broadcasting live still live yeah and It's still live, yeah. And he's just like, fuck, dude, come take it. And they're all like leaning their heads in. I don't know, man, like poking the lens with their masks off. Oh my God, that would be the best. Hey, Kevin, get over here. What, Terry? You used to work with video audio shit, right? Yeah, I used to work at something very specific.

Circuit City? That Circuit City on Broadway? Yeah? You come take a look at this? Oh, do you. Circuit City? Is that Circuit City on Broadway? Yeah? You come take a look at this? Oh, do you miss Circuit City? No one does. No, because Best Buy is better. Best Buy is better.

Fry's Electronics is the best. I've never been to a Fry's Electronics. It's the best. What about Video Only? Video Only! Fry's Electronics. Shop around! You'll be sorry!

Is that a chain or is that just up here i don't know it feels like it's just spokane only there's only one speaking of uh stores like that how the fuck do staples still have brick and mortar stores who the hell's staples sucks like buying all their stuff online i get it like you're a office supply you're an office thing it should be a warehouse but who the hell's going into a Staples and just walking around like, what's a damn good deal on a camera? And some printer paper.

There's an Office Depot, a Staples. Not that there's just one, but there are other ones of that. There's one right downtown. Kind of on the outskirts. When I was working, yeah, of downtown. I used to go there if I needed to. I've been there twice.

I needed to get a chair. I walk in, there's never anybody there. And it's just stacked full of supplies. Who's buying this shit? How is it still open? And the rent on a gigantic building. Those sticky pads, those sticky notepads aren't paying for this whole thing. No.

I had to come in here and buy some emergency envelopes once like is that that many people buying emergency envelopes to keep you guys i don't know whatever well once our once our generation ahead of us and you know yeah they're not gonna last they're just they're barely hanging on we just uncovered a money laundering scheme that's that's really the only option or there's like a money laundering or like prostitution or something we sell staples we promise we promise bro and that's the guy that the ceo talks like that and how did you like where were you stapling so much thing they're like we we should name our company after a stapler a stapler the things that you put that our company after... A stapler. A stapler. The things that go inside a stapler.

Not even a stapler. Staples. And there's still the Staples Center. They still have enough money to sponsor. I think it's got to be a little underground drug thing. Not a little. We got to look into it. All right, move on to Petty Beef.

Sure. You ready to do it? Okay, hey, Zach, will you go ahead and do it? Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real.

The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Petty. I was watching the little Judge Judy the other dayia the other day hey you who are you who are you sit up sit up i would used to crack me up she'd go who are you and you gotta stand me oh i'm sure sit up did you you don't talk to i'm talking to you you you answer me you asked a question oh and they're always wearing like oversized shirts yeah this is just a big baggy button up cute fat tie huge fucking padded shoulder in the suit top and in like jacket like uh gelled hair combed forward all the way to the

forehead i better look my best i'm seeing judge judy today all right so here's our patty beef sent in by our son james says como estas motherfuckers motherfucker Uh, yeah, i've been working on my french. He's making a joke. That was clearly italian So one of my co-workers and I have been arguing over a manscaping issue He thinks that if you shave your back you also have to shave your front And this analogy is not shaving the front is like shaving only the back of your ball sack and not the front of it that's a weird analogy analogy is using something it's

like mowing the front lawn yeah but not mowing the back lawn another this reminds me of i don't think uh he was dropped on his head as a baby but that he was fucking thrown against the wall I don't want hair on my back but I do want hair on my chest because I'm a fucking man I am not a bodybuilder nor an Olympic swimmer

and I don't want to look like a 10 year old boy so my front fro is staying what do you guys think love you guys like sisters wait stepdaddies your number one babysitter james i mean i'm uh i don't know what happened i'm not sure if i don't talk about it very often but like i do testosterone replacement because my testosterone is super low and um it's can't keep up with your penis size come on yeah uh oh thank you you're not the worst reputation to have buddy yeah you made me blush uh but once i started taking those which went on three years ago or so um i started getting hair growing on my belly and i'm not really

a fan of that uh and that was talked about like they're like yeah when you start growing you know hair in places that you like normally wouldn't just because when you boost it it's like i have a hairy hairy belly so i actually went from not shaving my front like sometimes you know it gets a little crazy around the nipples i don't like that a little ring of fire around the nipples yeah and it like gets long and it's like me like it's doing its own thing it's it's like kind of hiding your nipple like it's a hidden mountain uh and that's the forest around it and you're just discovered a new temple in the aztec um i don't like that so going along with the belly i don't have hair on my back i have

you know the, the one hair that grows to three feet long before anybody catches it. Got one of those, but the back's fine. But I do shave the front ever since I started doing the testosterone replacement. Because I don't like a hairy belly. Does anybody?

Zach, I've never seen you with a shirt. Come here, take your shirt off, get in here. Get my ass. Do you have a hairy belly? I like to be furry, yes. Do you have a hairy belly? I like to be furry, yes. Do you have a hairy back? No, not really. Okay.

So your whole front's just a fuzz ball. It's a very strange kind of thing. You'd think that the fur would be on the back to protect you from the elements, but instead it's on the front. Just so you can, yeah, at least you can lay down and sleep comfortably. Get wet and have ants in your belly. Ants in your front? Yeah.

Oh, man. I want to see sex. Bert Reynolds is my spirit animal, so there you go. Okay, so you got a lot of hair. Yeah. Okay. That's a normal amount of hair. That kind of grosses me out. Hair? On all the places?

Do you have hair on your chest or your belly? A little bit right here in the middle and then a few stringers around the nips too. Yeah, that's the best and then a little bit like a little bit this what was that patch the i'm not seeing the one below your oh the happy trail yeah happy trail yeah um not much a little bit so usually like if i'm shaving my face whatever sometimes i'll go and just get it off of there um but i don't have it i have some

few stringies on my shoulders and stuff but i don't have it i have some few stringies on my shoulders and stuff but i don't have a hairy dude that's such a funny thing just the weird the random hairs like some people sneak in like i have one on my face that grows up by my eye yeah and it's just by itself the rest of it basically grows like my beard is there's just one that's a good two inches above the rest of my hairs yes and it's just like what's a good two inches above the rest of my hairs. Yes. And it's just like, what's up, dude? Oh, shit. You guys are down there. Fuck.

Dude, I like it up here, though. When we move. You guys been down there how long? The whole time. Fuck, man. It's weird how they grow. I just bought this house. I can't get out of here.

Faster, too. Yeah. I think they just stand out more. But they grow faster. Do they, though? Because it's... Don't they share the resources? Right.

It's like a tree. I mean, that's how trees get tall, right? They're battling for sunlight. Yeah. So if you get one that gets out from the group, it's just like... Woo! Woo-hoo! I'm good!

I'm not coming. Woo-hoo! Everything I need up here on the I-Bone. This clean air Or like the random Long eyebrow That escaped for a long time Oh yeah

Anyway What are we fucking talking about That's my fucking life Calm down I know I mean it is weird How some people Are just crazy hairy

And some people Don't have Ain't got none Yeah They can't grow a beard They can't grow anything And then some people Can't grow a beard And can't grow anything and then some people can't grow a beard and they just have a hairy ass well and some people like their beard will grow all the

way up to like where that stringy hairs but it's thick all the way around there i always wished i could have i think done that like a big beefy i got something to talk about an important question to ask then we'll get back to james's um petty beef here you guys shave your butt shave your like around your butthole i have before you know is that no never no i have a friend that does i know i do it yeah you're that friend well you put stuff in your butt though right not not all the time it's only more time than zero is the more stuff in your butt the more you put stuff in your butt the bigger your dick gets because it just pushes your dick out yeah that's the secret it's like one of the yeah it's like yeah yeah you're folding the little little tube inside out yeah so the deeper that pushes more

dick out god you could put a lot of stuff in there then come on no but i found out it's just like easier in a cleaner like bathroom situation not having a bunch of poop hair in the way. I haven't done it in a while, but there was a time where I experimented with just a Bic razor or whatever. Oh, don't. Yeah, ouch. And just kind of like going. I remember trying to do the long, all that stuff. And then I was like, fuck it. Let's try it and reach back and did it a few times where you just reach back.

But the feeling of like no hair back there was really sleek. You liked it? It was a nice feeling. Did you get razor burn? Because that's fun. I mean, I think I have before, but I don't remember doing that with the butt. That was my really important question.

Anti-Dingleberry sons of bitches. I know, that's great. Get those things out of here. It does help in that department. One thing that grosses me out is like like uh sweaty hair or like when there's like it's all matted together yeah and it's or like like i was like i'm like you fucking assholes like i'm not that bad croaky i want to see you cheers i was a uh you know obviously a huge professional wrestling fan. And then I would listen to stories of wrestlers, what they would do back in the day. And I remember hearing a story about Razor Ramon, who was Scott Hall. So he was a really hairy dude.

And then they'd grease themselves up and stuff. And I just picture out there wrestling a guy, sweaty, greasy, but with really hairy, too. And that feeling of someone someone's greasy sweaty hair rubbing on you and it just or that it's the same alarm came paulie yeah well i always make it rain i just picture that and it like it just grosses me out it's a wonder that women can ever deal with even be interested yeah with any of us yeah yeah and then especially like being like i'm like if i'm i'm not attracted to men but the idea that there are like i'm already not attracted to a man so like the idea of like having to have an encounter with a man and it's hairy and sweaty

and sticky yeah no thanks even if it's a hairy sticky hairy sticky sweaty woman yeah kind of weirds me out yeah um okay anyway back to james you know you can save shave whatever you want but what a visual of like a super hairy nutsack in the back of its perfect and then right at the halfway point that's what i find funny is that there's a cutoff point uh-huh it's like up front you're like dude that guy's got a big old bush and then you flip around like oh now it's just clean yeah like a guy that shaves one side of their beard and he leaves the other side yeah i just love that he went to that that's his analogy not not anything else not anything else but like oh it's just like

when you shave the front part of your ball sack and leave the back what the hell dude yeah what are you doing you're crazy you know and do that like yeah no one ever bring that example up either dude i also don't think that just because you shave something that all of a sudden your your manhood's gone i don't believe your manhood has nothing to do with the clothes you wear the truck you drive the it all has to do with the clothes you wear, the truck you drive. It all has to do with smacking women around and establishing your dominance. That's what it is. Seeing on things. Yeah. And just ejaculating everywhere.

That is the key to manlyhood. I could be completely shorn, zero hair, but go around smacking people beating people up and then my manhood is intact yeah you could keep your man card for that stuff right do you guys um think if you asked girls women would they prefer you shaved all of your hair or you were super hairy which one do you think would be a higher percentage they'd be higher than you think 25 love all the hair 75 and be like i think it depends on the woman like there's there's some women that like they just i don't know they love it yeah there's there's someone they're like i love a man to feel i like brushing up against his beard and i like feeling

that and stuff that oh that manliness like because that like a woodsman or whatever kind of the ruggedness. Yeah. So anyway, yeah. Going back to the petty beef, I think you can shave whatever you want. But you can still be really rugged, but be shorn. I think we've all agreed just back hair is, you got to get that out of there. Oh, yeah. If you got back, that's disgusting.

First thing you need to do is just fucking, if you have a violently hairy butt and back kill it with fire yeah violently i think men and women across the board would be like yeah i don't want that so i think that's where where we settle on that pretty beef um i've i've trimmed arm hair before and it feels nice like it feels i that it's a bit like you can feel like if you've ever shaved your beard off or shaved your head or whatever, and you can feel the air on your skin. It's a way different feeling than you're used to. Like if you shave your beard in the winter and you can feel the cold on your face. Oh yeah, it is weird. But even like in the summertime, just like shaving your, like trimming your arm, and you can feel the wind against your arm.

It sounds weird, but it's like you can tell. Never done it. Maybe I'll give it a go. It feels, as soon as you can feel the air, it's different. When I get my new switchblade arrives, I'll sharpen it up and just kind of shave my arm hair. You found some good news this week? Did I? That's nice. I think we found some good news this week? Did I? That's nice.

I think we need some good news. It's not really news. It's more of like... It's a good stuff. It's just, you know, how can you not enjoy it? Okay. Well, let's take a peek. Zip!

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! All right. I'm looking forward to it. Make me feel good. Yeah.

I mean, I... As a... When I was younger, our dog had two sets of puppies. Okay. Ten puppies each. And I remember one of my favorite things to do was just to lay on the grass, and all the puppies would come up and just nibble on you, and you'd just roll around with them and start punching them. But yeah, in the little puppy breath, it was a very distinct smell.

So cute. But it was adorable. So here's a video of a child playing with a bunch of... A bunch of puppies? And you see it, but you can also just kind of hear the joy. The happy? It brings back some memories. Oh, man. They're like little golden retriever fluff balls fluff ball yeah there's four or five of them

that feeling right there where they're just they're like nibbling your ears and stuff he's losing it yeah oh that's cute uh i i saw that and it was just like it reminded me of being a kid and then it was like that like that pure joy like no he's losing i can't control it yeah just the and the puppies are loving it look at their lick some of them are nibbling some of them are licking He can't even catch a breath We used to raise labs And they'd lick lick and then they'd bite you real hard It was fun

It was a black lab So we had two sets of ten little Black lab litters And we had to give them the shots And do all that kind of stuff But ten of them, ten puppies Running around in your... That sounds...

It sounds like it would cure any sort of sadness. Oh, yeah. Like, try not to... Unless you had a fear of puppies. Sure. That would be terrible. It's a nightmare. That would...

Like, you could have the worst day in your... that you could ever imagine. And you go outside and sit on the ground. They come at you. Try not to... Like, imagine just trying to be like, Nope. Nope isn't fun yeah this is dumb like you have to try really hard not to enjoy that that's right i love yeah there's uh when any whenever i hear laughter like that if like instantly makes me feel better this is a real reminder reminder gets cheer up you're

a tiny stupid nothingness in a giant gal, infinite galaxy. You know, what was really sad is when, uh, people would come pick up the dog to take, you know, and it would just be yelping to go in. It was cause you're taking me from my brothers and sisters. You named him and stuff. You're probably sad too. Oh yeah. It was all, it was all.

And then they were screeching. They just want it. Yeah. It was, it was fun until that happened. That's why we don't want to raise dogs anymore. That was the sad part. But anyway. Anyway.

I found something. I'm pissed. I know. He just swapped it around from happiness to like, now I'm super depressed and sad. That was quick. Okay, let's move on to our next thing. Okay. I got something to show you guys.

Hey! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! So there's a lot of ai stuff going on obviously we've covered and talked about quite a bit of it here on can you don't and one part of it that's somewhat new at least i think it's somewhat new in the last year is when i started noticing that people were using ai to make artists that don't sing a certain song, sing a song. And I can still tell some of them aren't very good. Some of them are just kind of close. And then I came across this AI of Johnny Cash. And I don't know what the program is,

but it is kicking ass. It makes me excited in a sense of like it is fun to hear what someone who you will never hear again sing a song um sing one that you know is as popular as the one i'm going to show you right now and have another example it's a little funnier like sound of silence yeah imagine your favorite artist ever or something like imagine if they would have written this song what it would sound like and now you can and now you can kind of piece it together so in the coming years i'm not sure how crazy this is going to be but here i'll just play a little bit of johnny cash singing sound of silence oh perfect video unavailable let's move it over to youtube like it's spot it's spot on hello darkness my old friend

i've come to talk to you again because a vision softly creeping lifted seats while I was sleeping And the vision That was planted in my brain Isn't that cool? Still remains Within the sound Of silence What a time to be alive. In restless dreams I walk alone

narrow streets of cobblestone Isn't that crazy, Zach? Yeah, big time. Beneath the halo of a street lamp I turn my collar Isn't this partly what they're doing the Hollywood strikes about? Oh, it absolutely is.

And then I have one more example. This is more on the funny side that I wanted to show you guys. But it's the same thing. It's just, it's fucking wild. And we don't have to put this on screen, Zach, unless. Okay, whatever. We can. I'm not Johnny Cash.

So here's Barbie Girl. I'm a Johnny Cash. So here's Barbie Girl. I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic. You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere. Wholesome prison. Oh, come on, Barbie, let's go party, cause I'm in a Barbie world.

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever. Friendship never ends. I put my hands up to play my song. The butterflies fly away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a party in the USA. This is what you guys call music? I'll be damned. Oh, man. So that's it. That's wild. That's fucking, that's right on.

And it's just going to get better and better and better. And I'm here for it. I get it. It's weird to say, like, get better and better and better. Like, that doesn't need to get much better. As creepy as that is, like, that sounds legit. If you didn't know johnny cash died or whatever you know like you just hear like right would you know the difference and then picture uh

there's gonna be artists i mean there already are like instagram you already are uh instagram models that are just all cgi and they have millions of followers i've thought about doing that man yeah and so this is the same thing. There's going to be artists that sing songs, and there already kind of is, but that you won't even know they're not real. Yeah. And they'll just be your favorite artist. Someone's writing the song, someone's writing the lyrics, and they're having some other

AI sing it in a better way than they ever could. And then creating an image of that person. Yeah. You go to a show and you get a hologram of the person. We can do duets with people too yeah like you could have actual nickelback on there yeah duet uh rock star with nickelback like um why not johnny cash and um jimmy hendrix uh janice joplin do like a duet yeah you have you have you have hendrix joplin buddy holly but singing in sync

songs yeah doing bye-bye-bye they're doing aeroplane all the 27 club is a boy band or a girl you know like a you know type of thing have have old kurt in there as well oh god he would roll over his fucking grave so i wonder how many actual artists in the future will be famous or if we'll just be rehashing. Old stuff. Yeah, if you can put people from the 50s and 60s. It's going to be interesting. It's going to be interesting, that's for sure.

They'll never not be an Indiana Jones. Yeah, keep it going, baby. Fast and Furious 92. Yeah. Okay, let's move on and hear from some of our kids this week. Sound good? Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's move on and hear from some of our kids this week. Sound good? Mm-hmm. Okay.

Okay. Johnny Cage. Ain't no good. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow.

That's cool. What you got? What do we got? Who's talking? Who's reading? This is coming in from our son, Thud224. All right. Was that his ICQ name? Yeah. What do we got? Who's talking? Who's reading? This is coming in from our son, Thud224. All right.

Was that his ICQ name? Yeah. Oh, man. I think it's brought back some memories. Hey, guys. Thud224 here. I've got some stories to share with you. Back when I worked for an unnamed fried chicken joint, we had problems with the homeless,

like any restaurant would, until the guy with a ladder love that mysterious setup this clever fuck figured out our sign was concealing a small storage area it was like a five by five by three and there was uh was where the store kept the signage for christmas and christmas lights nice he reorganized and consolidated the contents of the storage area to about half the size he was living up there with an electric heater and fuel stove safe only ever came out when the store was closed he was so quiet on the roof the closing manager never heard him or probably thought it was birds or squirrels he was up there for six months. Whoa. The only reason we found out about it was because the fry cook was a literal pimp.

Okay. Yes, a pimp. Nice. When the cops came to pick him up, they asked the manager if he wanted them to do anything about the roof guy. Apparently, they knew about him for a little while, but didn't do anything so they wouldn't spook the cook. Okay.

How come it's not spook the cook? Spook the cook. Or spook the kook. Yeah, exactly. English, baby. But you did a good job. Yeah. How come it's not spook the cook? Spook the cook. Or spook the kook. Yeah, exactly. English, baby. But you did a good job. Yeah. Friday.

Made it. That's my best story, but not my only one. From a dish pit worker that earned the nickname Chunks to the Halloween we made bucket costumes and many other stories working fast food was an experience and left the lasting impact in my life And skull loving the show looking forward listening to more of y'all peace and I would like to hear more of those stories me, too Hey, fuck. I they're on the way out the door. They just handcuffed the pimp for every reason He's in like a pimp costume to me, but like one you got from wish calm. I just a shitty Fur like furry costume to me but like one you got from wish.com like just a shitty piece it's a fur like purple furry it's got like the zebra print outline the stereotypical satin pink yeah just over the top

yeah baby yeah and that's what he's wearing that's like getting arrested they're walking out and then right before the door shuts he sticks his foot back in he goes anyway you guys want to do this thing do anything about roof guy they're like what like yeah there's a guy on the roof you guys want to do anything no okay never mind but just living up there i picture the sign is illuminated and he's just he's staying so still you're like you're kind of looking at it like to spook the kook he's looking at the looking at the sign you're like it kind of looks like there's a person in there yeah maybe it's just a weird shadow

yeah it must be a weird shadow it's just one of those things well the weird shadows it's like dancing it's moving really slow it's like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone oh yeah

through the shower curtain yeah yeah shower curtain yeah wasn't that one oh that was the real curtain well he got the

he got the clown and the audio from the shower curtain remember then he had the clown and the audio from the shower curtain. Remember? Then he had the clown in the curtain. You're talking about Home Alone 2 again. I'm talking about the better one, Home Alone 1. Oh, that's right.

Oh, that part. Where he's got the whole thing, the Michael Jordan. Yeah, I gotcha. I thought it was the dancing clown. Okay, here's our second story. Final one for this week. Jumping back to some prank talk from our naughty son, Corey. Says, hey guys, on episode 60, you were talking about stealing traffic signs and detouring

traffic. When I was like 13 or something, my cousin, who was a habitual little fucker, found out that if you stretch speaker wire between train tracks, the arms of the crossing will lower. What? We found some tracks that went right by a building not far from the crossing. We held about 20 cars hostage at a crossing for quite some time with no

train. When they began to turn around, we let the arms up. We would periodically let one person through and then drop the arms again. And of course, I read this and I had to tell Ez. So, watch the news you see might catch a ezzy on there getting in trouble for putting well i didn't know you could do that that's amazing

it sounds you can just do that anywhere and it just drops the things there's no way well i mean if the if that's what causes if it's you like it has to be where the crossings are you know because they have monitors that tell you when it's coming and then there's

little signals that tell you when it's gone when it goes over that point but you just gotta be able to put it somewhere

important to to make it actually make a connection to drop the wires right time for a road trip I feel like the only way we can figure this out

is by trying it trying it I mean internet maybe i didn't look it up but that is that is fun that is a great prank i love that you're you're waiting so long you're like fuck this start turning around and then it lifts up ding ding ding ding and then you're sideways yeah i mean you start turning around then it goes back down again think about about how bad you would feel. Because at the surface level, harmless prank. But it's pretty distracting in a pretty serious situation. Yeah. Like if you were laughing and like, okay, let's let one guy through. And it goes up and they go out and just get obliterated by a train.

Well, it'd be kind of like crying wolf a little bit. So like at some point you're like, okay, there's a malfunction. Fuck it. I'm just going to go for it. And that's the time there there's a real train plowing through yeah but that is that is a solid prank i could i would love doing that i would love doing that when i was a kid holding people hostage at a railroad crossing what could you do i'm trying to think of like an additional thing you could do i like when they're stopped you can like sneak up and tie something to their bumper having been like having grown up around like small towns and stuff i used to get trapped behind trains a lot and i can speak from experience how like i i guess you you start

you just get used to it you're like oh they're loading cars so we're just gonna sit here for 30 fucking minutes and then you know it goes and you go on your day but the idea of like it going down then you not seeing a train yeah would be so inferior yeah but you would want to like you start screaming yeah you want to run a blast right through that fucking thing it's so It's such a huge inconvenience. It's like I hate ghost lights, too. Like when you're going, you're the only person awake. You're driving, you're on a street, and it turns fucking red.

Oh. And then it's a long one. You end up sitting there for it feels like 10 minutes. You're a good law-abiding citizen, so you sit there. Yeah, like there's got to be. When I used to ride my motorcycle motorcycle i would get to lights where it didn't like it did didn't register that i was there and so i would just sit at a fucking intersection flashing your lights like please yeah i'm like come on waving arms at the camera

turn and it just cycles through a couple times skips you and then you you're like fuck it you're go and then it slaps a picture of you and you get a ticket yeah the good old days they don't do that in idaho we don't believe in traffic ticket pictures it's right it's america yeah they do that they do that over in washington can't have switchblades can't run red lights we can have weed though yeah you can have weed what what's going on in this country we're goofy no switchblades all the weed you want okay that sounds good to me uh all right well that was episode 64 that was fun i had a good time yeah flew right on by uh again thanks to everybody supporting us on patreon that's how you make this show work if you would be so kind head on over there and subscribe

you got three different tiers to pick from and uh about 25 bonus hours of shit that you've never heard and we'll never hear unless you're a part of that. So find a link in the episode description. Again, that's patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Of course, we're all over the socials. Send in that content to,

Hey guys, it can you don't podcast.com. And if you would just take a little moment to head on over and rate and review wherever you listen to us on podcasts, that would be, uh, be very helpful. Can we, that new studio soon? Yup. We're going to, moment to head on over and rate and review wherever you listen to us on podcasts that would be uh be very helpful gonna be that new studio soon yep we're gonna we got one more week of recording

we have to record a batch next week so that we get weeks in advance um and then we'll be building out the new studio it's gonna be exciting it's very exciting to be down in beautiful downtown Coraline anymore. No, we will be over in Spokane, Washington. Spokompton. Spokompton, Washington. Spokane's best rock. So that's exciting. We're getting ready for that move. Yeah, and then Uncle Zach. Got to check out everything Uncle Zach does. Skatcast.com.

Sleepy, hairy fella today. I don't know if I'm that hairy. I'm going to bite you when I see you next. Can you show me your hair? Not on camera? I'll give you a nip. Not on camera? I'll give you a nip. Okay, that's cool. Everything Scatcast. Go to scatcast.com.

That's scat with a K. He does a million shows. He's the scat man. That's the one. So head over to scatcast.com. Puts a lot of work into that. It's a wonderful community. Wonderful, I don't know, synergy between 15,000 shows. That dude grinds.

Yes, he does. And a big thanks to all the babysitters who run our Facebook page, The Playground. Can You Don't Playground. So if you haven't joined that, go join it. All right, you ready to wrap it up? Yeah, I was just thinking, like, my whole philosophy in life is minimal amount of work, most of my returns.

Zach's like, I'm going to do as much as I can all the time. Kill it. Until I'm dead it's again the creative he must have the creative outlet at all times it's one thing i know about zach don't leave me alone with my thoughts right that's true that's a good one all right let's wrap it up okay okay good god wrap it up already huh what is it is it? It's a fact. An interesting fact. A little factoid?

Did you know Australia, Diananda, is wider than the moon? Wider than the moon? Yeah. How wide is that? It showed the number, but I didn't put it in there. I'm trying to think. Is it it taller than 2 considering it's a sphere I would hope so Or it's only wider than

If you flipped it On it's side But it's not Little baby moon And the moon's floating away from us that's sad Eventually the moon will just lose it's gravitational pull From us and disappear Yeah but we're on a crash course with another galaxy so it's all gonna come to an end

we gotta see if the moon will get i want to at least watch the moon fly away before that happens i hope someone gets to watch the moon fly away that would be pretty wild it just gets smaller and smaller disappears somebody's gonna mine the moon and break it in half or something before we get to there oh that'd be wild it'd be if that'd be wild. It'd be, if we didn't have, here's the thing though, if we didn't have the moon, that would affect a lot of stuff. A ton. Yeah. Tides, ocean shit.

Yeah. Do you know that the moon doesn't actually pull, the tides don't actually go out and in. It's just that the earth rotates into the tide. So the tide stays, it's the earth rotation. And it's not just the moon, the sun. So the tide stays. It's the Earth rotation. And it's not just the moon. The sun does lots of pulling too.

Especially when they're opposite of each other. Yes, they do. Look at you, Neil deGrasse Tyson's over here. We did it. All right. Well, fuck yeah. The show keeps going. If you're part of the gaggle, if you're a kid, we'll see you guys next week.

If you're a kid. If you're a kid, we'll see you guys next week. If you're a kid, you shouldn't be here. Yeah, but you're grown up now.'ll see you guys next week. If you're a kid. If you're a kid, we'll see you guys next week. If you're a kid, you shouldn't be here. Yeah, but you're grown up now. You guys are grown up kids. We were in the car yesterday, and we were charging, and my kids are in the back seat, and this guy stops. He's talking to me, and he's like, oh, shit, fuck.

And we said something like that. And then Perry started laughing. And he's like, oh, sorry, I didn't realize you had kids. I'm like, these little shits. Yeah, they've said worse than that today you know these little fucking and that's why they were laughing because they find cussing hilarious if i'm ever like you little shit they just start laughing doesn't have the the reverse impact you wanted to they should be like dad's upset they're like fuck you that's it fuck nah he owes us five

dollars all right we'll see you guys next week. All right. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye.