Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Angry Gamer. Concussion. Donkey Elk. Prism.

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

Bryan wants to give Joe a rimjob. Joe definitely didn't write this episode description. Bryan can't read. Let's talk about that, splashing piss all over your girlfriend, getting so mad during online gaming that you pack a hammer and actually do something about it, Joe completely screwing up a jump off a bridge, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/krFmlr-l5PMSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Angry Gamer, Concussion, Donkey Elk, Prism There was a period of time that I would have had Rob Thomas' baby. Yeah. Dude, whatever he wanted, I'm in. What a guy. You know what I mean? What are you doing over there? You spark a little interest in you?

Yeah. Bringing the guitar out? No, he was like, I mean, you know, I don't know. You hear him sing. What he looks like. He just seemed like he was like i mean you know i don't know you hear him sing what he looks like he just seemed like he had it all you know he really did yeah seemed like he's a good guy he did he did at one point yeah he probably still has a pretty good life i'm sure things are fine for rob thomas on matchbox 20 is this how that goes what yeah something, something like that Something like that

Then it goes She said life was Running down and used to God damn it Wait, wait You playing Sweet Home Alabama? Running down in a Tuesday. But outside starts raining.

He says, baby. Try to do it again. He says, baby. Baby. Baby. I'm lonely. Lonely. Yeah.

And I've been lying on baby. Baby. And I've been lying on baby. And oh, sometimes I'm going to wash away. I believe it. Wait, hurry. Wait, hurry. Wait, hurry. She thinks happiness is a mad decision to do it.

God, what a superhero, that guy. Those were fun times for music. Yeah, a lot of things going on. We got Goo Goo Dolls. We had Gin Blossoms. Oh, man. We were hanging out on Allison Road. Yeah.

Getting a little jealous. Yeah. Chase those cops around town. Hey, jealousy. Hey. Episode. Got Jesus around. Episode 109.

If you want to sign up and get the bonus content, please do. And thanks to everyone who has signed up. 109. 109. It's like 409, but it's going to be a while before we get there it's gonna be a bit stick with us uh you can go to patreon.com six years that's six years yeah something because fit about 50 a year 52 yeah his last 10 are gonna stack up so that's good i go to patreon.com slash can you don'tpodcast. Exclusive merch. New merch. Go check it out. You'll find the link in the episode description. We have a huge fucking hog dick balls. Hog dick balls.

Just a giant fucking sweaty dick balls hog. Just a Rob Thomas size sweaty hog. It's a fucking Rob Thomas dong. Going on the show today, so get ready for that. Be sure to check out Skatcast. Rob Dongmas. Get it? What's going on over there on Skatcast? I get it, Brent. Yeah, do you? What's going on at the show today, so get ready for that. Be sure to check out Scatcast. What's going on over there on Scatcast?

I get it, Brent. What's going on at Scatcast? Tons of stuff. Cards, coffee. We've got a whole bunch of shit going on. What's next? Cars. Bath towels, probably. Just going to have Scatcast Tesla caskets. Scatcast casket? Why not?

Scatcast it. Put everything on it. Put scatcast on everything. Just do it. Why not? Send all the content you want to see here on Can You Don't. Just don't put scat on everything. Yeah. No, it's smelly. Hey guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com whatever content, petty beef, confessions, whatever it may be.

Just go ahead and send it on in. Are you excited for today's show? It's cold down there. I mean, you're wearing another tank top. No, I just started cutting the sleeves off of every shirt. Go Huskies. That's how you get into jorts. Bow down to Washington. That's right.

You look good. Nice mustache. Yeah. Yeah, I just realized I look like my dad. He always had a mustache. You look like my dad. Fuck. Holy just realized it looked like my dad. He always had a mustache. You look like my dad, fuck. Holy shit, you look like my dad. You look like everybody's dad.

You're my dad. Yeah, I kind of got dad look going on. That's all right. That's a sexy dad over there. All right, should we just get into this shit? Get this thing rolling? Let's do it, brother. Hey, Zach, you know what butt to push.

Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Should I kick this thing off? Yeah, let up. It's not the show already. You want to kick this thing off? Yeah, let's fucking just get on with it. So, I was searching around a little bit for some funny would-you-rathers. Okay. Found one, but then right before the show, we switched it up a little bit.

Make it a little more personal? A little more personal. Okay. Because I feel like something like this has been done before. So, let's make it personal. Okay. Okay. I'm substituting one word for podcast host. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Would you rather give a rim job to your podcast host? Okay. Or. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Jesus Christ.

You're missing the most important part. Oh, my God. God damn it, Brian. Wait, wait, wait. You're missing a part of it. Jesus Christ. You're missing the most important part. Oh my god. God damn it, Brian. Well, okay, would you rather give your podcast host a rim job and no one finds out so it's just our little secret. Zach's the only person

he's a loose end, so eventually we'll have to kill him. We'll have to take care of him. Licking his asshole. Yeah. You keep your mouth shut and your butthole wet. Wet. So I can lick it. I'll just be in here chilling.

Yeah. I'm ready. So would you rather do that? Okay. And no one knows. So you have to do the deed, but no one knows. Okay. Or you don't give me a rim job.

Okay. But everybody thinks you did. And that's a big word. Like everyone. Everyone. The rim job. Okay. But everybody thinks you did. And that's a big word. Like everyone. Everyone. The whole planet. Everyone. Whatever you do.

You walk down the street and you're like, oh, you're that guy that. You sound like a good guy, but you definitely licked your podcast host's butthole. Okay. Everybody. I mean, half to it. Can we assume? Like your grandma. What?

Your grandma thinks oh yeah go home for dinner or for thanks go for dinner go back to the house for Thanksgiving he's like

how are things going you know great in the back of her head she's like still licking buttholes still licking your friend's butts Brian

you're like no no she asked you that how's life how are the kids oh it's good you know they're outside right now they're just working their way in she leans in she goes you still licking your how the kids oh it's good though you know they're they're outside right now they're just working their way in she leans in she goes you still licking your co-host

butthole no i think you have to answer yes no they just think you did you can plead to your blue in the face oh yeah they think you're a liar little joey's a liar to your fucking blue in the balls blue in the butthole to your butthole. To your butthole is blue. Just plead your case. And everyone's like, okay. Lucky I like you. So if you were in court, let's say something happens and they're like. Petty beef court. You're on your.

Mushrooms. God damn it. What's the word? Every time he keeps stuttering, I'm just keep throwing things in. When you're under oath. Okay. Under oath. under oath. Okay. Under oath. Under oath, dude.

Fuck, that was so good. God. This is not a drill. This is not a time. How many percentage of people you think knew what our reference was right then? Doing that? I don't know. 2%?

I didn't. I'll take that. Yeah, of course you don't. I suck. He's got to listen to more under oath, bro. Okay. So you're in court. Yeah, of course you don't. I suck. He's got to listen to more Under Oath, bro. Okay. So you're in court. Yeah.

And you're under Oath. And they say, did you lick Joe's butthole? You said I never would. That thing's disgusting. But I'm under Oath. Yeah. So you're just telling the truth. Yeah.

I'm like, yeah, I did. Oh, well, that's not. What? You just flip-flopped the tube. Well, you've been telling. No, you've been telling everybody. No, I didn't. Because everyone thinks I did. Oh, well, that's not... What? You just flip-flopped the two. Well, you've been telling... No, you've been telling everybody, no, I didn't, because everyone thinks you did.

Yeah, so under oath, you're like, yeah, I did. The question is, what? No, so if everyone's... If you're at dinner, you're at grandma's house for Sunday dinner. Back to grandma's.

And your family asks you that, you'd be like, no, I don't do that, right? You're denying it. Yes, because you didn't do it. But everyone thinks you did. Or you lick my butthole and no one knows you did it. Oh, right.

Jesus, Brian. He shows up to a courtroom, they're like, did you lick his butt? Yes. Fuck the whole thing up. I was thinking I couldn't lie. Yeah, but you didn't do it. Yeah, but I wouldn't. Yeah.

Jesus. The other way. Hold on, Brian, go ahead. I mean, sorry, Zach. I was just saying that the pin is blue. yeah but you didn't do it yeah but i wouldn't yeah jesus right the other way hold on brian go ahead i mean sorry zach i was just saying that the pin is blue quit breaking the law that's because you have those nice tits or whatever you said i am confused well no yeah but now i think it's you're in court and you didn't do it. It's the other way around. Yes.

Correct. But how would they, why would they ask you that question? See, I'm all fucked up now. Can you imagine going to a court? That's the only thing they're trying to decide. Yeah. Go to the Supreme Court and trying to figure out if you lick my butthole or not. Mm-hmm.

Now, may I remind you, you are under oath. Yeah. Yes. Yes, you may. Okay. Did you lick Joe's butthole or not now may i remind you you are under oath yeah yes yes you may okay did you lick joe's butthole no like everyone gasps everyone gapes hey order order get up here lawyers get control or i'm gonna hold everyone in contempt yeah five minute recess rim jobs for everyone jobs are all around they're not that bad you're like what the fuck is happening uh no okay i think you should lick my butthole yeah and not and no one knows finds out i don't want to lick somebody's butthole i don't even want to such a puss i don't even want to i don even want to lick I wouldn't lick Scarlett Johansson's

butthole. You're such a baby. And Zach, you're in the same boat. You guys are such butthole dumbs. Lick a butt! No. I don't even like licking a vagina. What? That's heaven! It's just too in. It's in things.

It's inside. So you, hold on. We're going to jump back a couple inside. So you, hold on. We're going to jump back a couple months. So you'll suck dick out of just pride. Because it's an outie, not an innie. I think I'd rather put a wiener in my mouth than lick a butthole. Yeah. Oh, my God.

You guys suck. Oh, I'm crazy. Yeah. Lick a butthole! Zach, what do you think? I think poop comes out of the butthole, so I try to avoid that. Oh, you can't clean buttholes! What is wrong with you guys? Have some fun!

No, I'm sorry, that's not fun for me. Licking butthole? That's a shirt. Have some fun, lick a butthole. Come on, have a little fun, lick a butthole. Grow up. Grow up. I like that. Grow up, get a butthole. Or just grow up, lick a butthole come on have a little fun have a little fun lick a butthole grow up i like that grow up or just grow up lick a butthole yes that's it yeah i'm gonna write that down why are you so scared of buttholes lick a butthole but it's a butthole you guys i don't send to not being scared of the butthole you're just like come on it's a butthole

yet you're that you're validating my what not wanting to do it you're come on, it's a butthole. Yet you're validating my not wanting to do it. You're like, come on, it's a butthole. Just lick it. Let me rephrase. Buttholes are disgusting. It's my butthole. Well, you probably bleach your buttholes. No.

I imagine you get some rim jobs. No. It's a fun thing. Why is it off the table? Why is it off the table? I think that's my big question here. Lick. I'm going to... Just take a nose with those famous leather gloves.

I'm not wearing them. I forgot to put them on. And it's really hot. It's cold down here. It actually feels good down here. I grew up licking a butthole. I can remember that for sure. I'm not licking a butthole. Man, so you just want everyone to think you did? Yeah, I think I'd rather deal with that because I don't want to deal with it. Everybody

thinking you licked my butthole. Or instead of just licking my butthole i clean it up nice for you but if you get to deny it then yeah but they don't they're like no i wouldn't they're like okay let me do it for you let me lick it for you i think i'd rather have everyone know i did everybody i think i did your whole family all your friends all of our mutual friends or just lick my butthole and no one has to know i won't tell anybody you lick my butthole and i tell everyone yeah i was like well what's the difference now now everyone knows but i still had to do it no and licking your butthole sucks so that's cool um yeah so why don't you just lick my butthole okay what? would you? lick your butthole?

yeah all cleaned up? yeah I'll clean it up for you I have a bidet all gussied up yeah put a little tie down there put your butthole gussied up did you just say pour some tide down there? no is that what you just said? no what did I say? that's exactly what he said Zach

I think it was I'm not tied tidy it up what did I say? That's exactly what he said, Zach. I think it was. I'm not tied. Tidy it up. What did I say? Tied. Pour some Tide down there. Pour some Tide on me. I'm going to lick it up. I'd bleach it.

I'd bleach it. I don't be that nice. See, I would feel uncomfortable you licking my butthole, so I don't even want you to lick my butthole. And I'd feel bad if you went through the whole, I mean, pain for bleaching your butthole that i'd feel bad i'd be like come on if i'm laying there with my legs up in the air my butt out here and you're just no don't do it that way just turn over tell me don't lay on your back with your legs up yeah that's what i'm doing i'm gonna look like that pregnancy pose And you gotta dive in there Would you look

Should we try to lick our buttholes at the same time? Like 69? Just get it over with Have a good laugh Go make some hamburgers or something Well imagine like So Like a crab

So like we're You know This thing here But One of us is on our back And the other one's On top like 69 One of us is on our and the other one's on top like 69 one of us on our back the other one's licking my butthole what are you doing over there just trying to think

of the easiest way to do it yeah just put your butt in there just cockamamie bullshit uh yeah i mean i would hate to lick your butthole we'd have to live with that and that's hard so am i but like just trying to do a show and then every time i look at your face i'm like remember i licked your butthole yeah so that sucks but i mean zach doesn't know the world doesn't know if we're doing a thing and then every but everyone keeps commenting that we lick each other's buttholes yeah butthole liggers i'm not paying for this but liquor fucking butt liquor cancel i can't support this. Show is funny.

One out of five stars. Show is great until they start licking each other's buttholes. Yeah, I loved the show until they started licking each other's buttholes. And then we didn't even do it, though. Right. See, that's the problem. You got to think about our future. This is about the show.

This is about more than just our buttholes. That was selfish of me to... We just get real drunk one night. Just lick each other's buttholes. No know, that was selfish of me to... We just get real drunk one night. No, dude, it's so gross. I had a dream one night that we had sex, I think. No, no,

I had a dream one night that I had to blow you or something like that. I'm like, I'm not doing that, but I had to do it. Yeah. This is confession.

Something I never brought up before. Thanks for sharing. Yeah. i don't remember how it happened but it's just like four hail marys bro that's all i gotta do four you were all about it though i was yeah you're fucking jack dude fucking your mustache yeah you'll dick broom up there yeah it was like no it was like no i think the dream was like, you just blew me. And they were like, all right, now it's your turn. And I'm like, what? Well, this is a bonding time.

Yeah. How was it for you? I think I woke up because I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that. This is too much. You ever been in a dream and you're like, in the dream, you know, you're like, no, I'm going to wake up. Sometimes you're in a dream and you're like, in the dream, you know, you're like, no, I'm going to wake up. Sometimes you're in a dream and you're like, I wish I wouldn't have woke up. This was like, I'm out of here. I'm not going to wake up and just stare at the ceiling and get my day started.

That happened. That sucks. Sorry about that. Well, I didn't do it yeah because i woke myself because you're dreaming yeah um i you know what i guess everybody everybody thinking that i've licked your butthole too much for you too much i mean i don't care about much but i also just lick your butthole no one ever knows we can make it through that our friendship is stronger than getting all fucked up if we over licking a butthole.

I mean, it's one of those things where, you know, when it's done, you're like, oh, so glad I did it. But in the moment, like, yeah. Oh, my God. You're going to do it like that? I don't even want it. What a waste of time. Well, what do you want me to do? Like, get a fork and knife and a napkin and all?

A red lobster bib? Yeah. Excited to dive in. Of course, I'm going to be like. You know, when you try new food, you're like. I guess it's not. You don't dive right in. You guys are just got to lick a butthole.

It's not that bad. It's like batteries and lotion. All right. What? It's like licking the taste of batteries and a little bit of lotion. Have fun. you guys are babies batteries i don't know irony i don't know you get batteries in your butt no uh i guess i'll just lick your butthole and we can move on with our lives but you pretend you want i'm gonna think

everyone's gonna think i licked your butthole because i don't want to do it i think everyone's gonna know i licked your butthole and this is i think that was the sentence just came out this is no person it's it's not nothing personal against you i just don't want to do it. I think everyone's going to know I licked your butthole. And this is... I think that was the sentence that just came out of your mouth. This is no person... It's nothing personal against you. I just don't want to lick anybody's butthole. Like I said, you put Scarlett Johansson's butt

in front of me, I'm probably not licking it. I could put some barbecue sauce on there. Whatever you want, baby. I mean, I guess we did that. And baby back... I thought you just had to

like bear back it. I don't know. We could flavor it up. Be a Ben and Jerry's. Some sweet baby rays. Some sweet baby rays on there. Love that. Zach, do you have an answer?

I would let everyone just think whatever the fuck they want. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to lick any of your asses. Sorry. That's okay. I do love you, though. Yeah.

Not to that extent. Well, that's okay. I love you, too. All right. Should we move off to what are you thinking about? Sure. Okay. Zach?

Hey. Hey, what's up, babe to what are you thinking about? Sure Okay Zach? Hey Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What are you thinking about? What'd you say?

Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh Bleh What are we talking about? Nothing Nothing? Oh, man What are you thinking about? My butthole?

How much, how good it would taste would taste no i bet you it sucks dude but i have a bidet so i'm it's like basically an enema every day yeah you're wait that's a powerful flushed out yeah i mean i turn it on full blast i'm just thinking about the last 15 minutes of us just talking about licking each other's buttholes um so this is this is a real story and it just happened and I'm still I'm still recovering whose butthole did you look

Zach's it's a great weekend wow so this was I mean we're recording this so it's gonna come out a little late but over 4th of July weekend

we were doing 4th of July weekend stuff so lots of boating, and just hanging out there, went out on the lake, Lake Coeur d'Alene. As you do. Beautiful! Downtown Coeur d'Alene! And they have a barge, and they light up a ton of fireworks, so we went out on the boat, and we went right below the barge, and just

looked up, and, you know, boats are all getting hit by shells, like that type of view. It was a lot of fun, and this is not when this happened, but on the next day, we took the boat out again and we went over and cassie's daughter was staying at a friend's house it was on the lake and it was just like it was all this family tons of kids so we opted to go over there and we picked up the kids all of them how big is this boat no it'll hold 15 people i think but it was safely yeah it'll illegally hold 47 people okay but legally i think 15 people so it was cassie and i and fucking 10 kids

and we decided just to take off and you can get up the river the cordillan river i'm just trying to paint the picture here and you head out a little bit and then there's like a little secret spot you start heading up the river and as you go up the river there's this bridge which is about 30 feet and it has a ladder up the middle it's like an old train bridge kind of it's a it's an old road bridge so it has like wood has the guardrail and then it has that like metal frame that you would picture on like an old bridge right like an old train bridge sure bridge. Sure. Um, and that's all there, but it's just a bridge that we've jumped off a million times. We went by with the kids.

We're going to go head out to this like a little secret lake thing. And we're going under the bridge and we stopped because some kids want to jump out. Um, and I'm like, shit, I'll do it. I've done it a million times.

I'll do a fun little thing on this bridge. So we jump out, climb and it's not 40. I'm aware. Thank you. I'm actually 38. Okay okay you're don't try and time it you're basically 40 you motherfucker and um so it's this fourth of july weekend beautiful weather so there's tons of people and at this moment i think there's us and three other

boats and they're all fucking packed with people jumping off the bridge and you don't know each other no no we i mean there's us and 10 kids. And then all these other boats full of people that are jumping off the bridge. So I jump out with, I think, three of the kiddos from our boat wanted to go. So we hike them up and we get them all ready and they're lined up. We count them down and they jump off the bridge over and over. And then me being me, decided to go back to a trick that I've done many times. When was the last time you did it? Last year.

Oh. Off this bridge. Okay. Same bridge. And so I'm like, all right, I'll just do that. You know, whatever. Yeah, nothing special. Let's go to the run of the mill.

And the trick I'm doing is, well, I don't know. It's so dumb to explain this. Is it really a trick? It is. So I don't go over the guardrail on the jumping platform area. I run at the, this is into the water, by the way. It's not like going into the ground. That's what I thought at first.

I was like, you gotta tell me, did you bounce? Yeah, no. So you're jumping off the bridge into the water over the river. Instead of climbing over the guardrail and standing on the outside, I think it's jumping in. I mean, first of all, you're making fun of me like almost being 40 but if you're that old you better have something in the bag you just jump off like a kid would jump off pencil dive well sometimes you're like wow look at you still at 40 years old still got still got a little bit okay well in the tank i went for something a little bigger.

Set the bar a little higher? Yeah, you know, whatever. Back up. But I run at the guardrail. And the plan, which I've done, is you jump, and then I plant my hand on the guardrail. And I end up doing like a front flip 360. Okay? Like a McTwist.

Whatever they call it, right? The McTwist is back. Finally! Finally, the McTwist is back. Oreo McTwist, whatever they call it, right? The McTwist is back. Finally! Finally, the McTwist is back. Oreo McTwist. Finally! And I plant my hand when I jump over it, because at that point, I can gauge what's going on and then push off of the guardrail and slow down my rotation, because it's a fucking pretty big bridge.

And I want to say, make sure everyone knows, I was not drunk. Nothing was going down the pipes. I was fine. Completely sober. I'm just coming off of being sick as fuck. And I just, whatever. I'm out there. I'm in the sun.

That's going to be enough. I don't want to get more sick. I still was getting dizzy sometimes randomly throughout the day. Yeah, I mean, you're a 40-year-old man. You're taking it easy. I didn't mention this. I did have COVID. I took a COVID test and had COVID.

Thanks for letting us come over to your house and breathe your air. Yeah, well, did you get it? Did you get it? Did either of you get it? Nope. Okay. So, you're welcome. So, I run at the guardrail, and I jump jump and I go to put my hand down.

And in order to put weight on the guardrail, you're leading into it pretty good, right? Like you're going to bounce on it a little bit for a bit and then you push yourself off. Yeah, the plan is to plant and then rotate. Absorb all the weight. Yes, yes, yes. Slow yourself down and push off the fucking guardrail. God, I feel so stupid talking about this. What I did was jump over the guardrail and miss my fucking hand plant.

So when you're putting weight into where you think you're grabbing a piece of metal and you miss it, it's not going to go well. Right. So I go from thinking I'm doing a slow. You put all your eggs in the hand, the guardrail basket. Yeah. Classic. It's my dad used to say, and I miss the guardrail basket. And the guardrail basket, yeah. Classic. That's what my dad used to say. And I miss the guardrail. So I end up doing a 720 fuck flop off the guardrail,

completely miss it, and just flip out of fucking control and fall 30 feet to my fucking face in front of 50 people. Just fucked it. Children. The of 50 people just fucked it children the worst i have ever fucked it up and you guys i hit the water so fucking hard i mean scary part is when i was in the water i don't i couldn't tell which was up or down like my equilibrium was gone like i slammed my fucking body that hard into the water i just started swimming hoping i was going the right direction luckily if you were in there you would have floated to the top if i just stopped moving yeah if you would have died

they would so they would have found you the body yeah that's that's good right yeah so eventually you would have showed up somewhere you know probably a urn but you know what i mean and i flipped off and just i don't even know i don't remember the jump i remember missing the hand plant in my brain i was like oh fuck you missed it do you remember the the throat the frozen frozen screen that's like yeah oh but you're wondering how i got here like is that exactly yeah and i missed it but you're wondering how i got here and i missed it and just spun a bunch and flapped face down into the fucking water and i had i had two black eyes 30 foot drop about that if i had to guess yeah two black eyes my nose still hurts i was spitting black eyes two black eyes oh i thought

you had two black guys weird two black guys they just carry me to safety yeah like we got you buddy just wake up with two black guys yeah you know and i my nose i'm spitting blood my whole body hurts because it was like a belly flop situation but i like side of my face side of my face is all bruised at the moment right now the inside of my right thigh is so bruised and my stomach is bruised and i'm swimming to the boat and i'm just like trying my best and like as i pop up all the other boats i can hear people being like you okay you okay you okay you okay it's like echoing and i'm like oh my god and i'm swimming to the boat and i remember looking at cassie she's sitting on there

and i'm like i didn't know how far away i was i was like i'm hurt bring the boat closer and she's looking at me she goes you're five feet away i'm hurt bring the boat closer and i climb onto the back and i'm on the the little dock and i'm just like like spitting blood with 10 kids like 10 kids like your lungs collapsed i don't know i don't know what the fuck was going on i hurt myself so bad and i'm on the digs. I'm like, fucking spitting blood. The kid's like, they start crying. Like, they're running away from me.

Cassie's like, is it hospital? Do we have to go to the hospital? I was like, I don't know. She goes, well, tell me right now.

I was like, I don't even know where I am. I can't feel my body. I was like, give me this. She goes, well, we have to.

I was like, I know we have to. Like, spitting blood all over the deck. Just fucked up. The worst I've ever fucked up on a jump. I don't think for the rest of my life I will ever try anything off a fucking bridge again. I didn't know. I've never messed up that bad.

Well, you could just climb over the railing and jump like no Like a regular person. No, that's dumb So you just rather not do it at all. Yeah, I get that Yeah, I would rather just move on and not have to worry about that ever again for the rest of my life But absolutely, I mean concussed for sure like do not remember What happened? Don't remember like I remember the last thought was oh shit i missed the rail and the next thing i was doing was swimming up in the water so you went from covid straight to a concussion yeah just like starting to feel better like starting to not feel like shit and be

like super i don't know just getting dizzy randomly like exerting myself when i'm like going to get a tortilla chip like Like, that was the level. And then I started feeling a little bit better, and then I decided I was going to jump off the bridge. So, there's that. You know, I think we talked about this on the show before, and I don't remember exactly where you stand on this, but when you were saying the Cassie thing, like, do we need to go? Mm-hmm. thing like do we need to go is there for me is like is there anything worse than like when you hurt yourself and everyone's asking you if you're okay yeah you're fine and you're just like just let me fucking be in pain for a second let me process this without like having to answer

questions this isn't a press conference like i'm like i'm bleeding just give me a fucking second yeah and so if you're concussed you have no idea i mean i was i was there i remember like swimming up and i remember getting back to the boat but i know what concussions feel like in the last couple days of like the swells and the weirdness that goes on with after you're concussed like i'm feeling way better today than i was yesterday at the time you record this this just happened it was like what four days ago i exploded off the bridge were you guys wondering if there was video yeah here you go no way is it really oh fuck oh watch miss the rail and just fucking oh there fucking was video what You have video of it? Do it again. Okay. Watch.

Miss the rail. Gone. Holy shit! Who's filming that? Cassie? Is there more to the video than that? No that's it. Why does that always happen? Cause everyone's scared Brian! Everyone, so. But you don't wanna film me fucking. Yeah, yes I do. Spitting blood? You always see the video

of that happening and then someone's like Oh my god And they put their phone down Like nah dude Watch how I spun Did I die on the way in Watch this I look like a fucking idiot

Oh the sound That that made Do it again No I wanted to surprise you guys Okay one more Look at this Hear that slap

Ready Oh my god What I love about it I I envision like A bunch of people Up on the bridge You were up there

By yourself So everyone was Focused on you Everybody's watching me And just exploded One more time No I already closed it Okay

But look how it was spinning Like I was a Dead monkey Like I just My brain Mostly just panicked Cause i knew as soon as i missed planting off that guardrail yeah just straight to my fucking face oh my god so great that you have footage of that and that that was awesome like just yeah dead what a great

surprise yeah uh see i want ah like i i know you're telling the story but i want to visualize you like cassie going oh my god you're just like you were wait okay you don't have it yeah you were farther away than i thought from the boat so you actually had to swim a little bit yeah probably swim 20 30 yards get back to the boat yeah i was just like i'm hurt she's like i was like bring the boat because you're five feet away well i mean you did swim 20 30 yards what's five more feet but i was like like just like going in and out like you know coughing blood yeah my eyesight was going dark and i was like dude this is not good

and you pop up from that and i was like you okay okay you're good yeah i don't even know where i am i'm swimming though and that's cool yeah I was like, dude, this is not good. And you pop up from that. Everyone's like, you okay? You okay? You okay? I was like, oh, fucking no. I don't even know where I am right now. I'm swimming, though, and that's cool. Yeah. I love it. It was a hot day, so that felt good. Yeah, I bet.

Yeah. All right, let's move on for a little sweaty, big-ass dick hug. Sure. Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's Dick Big.

Yeah. I wanted to surprise you guys with that. Didn't want to tell you I had a video of it. Yeah. I just figured you didn't. I was like, ah, bummer, dude. Sucks. Watching it, I'm like, you fucking idiot, dude.

Just fucked it. I want to, after the show, I want to watch it again. I want to see, like, it happens really fast. Like, if we can go in slow motion, I want to see your hand miss. Oh, yeah. I mean, like if we can go in slow motion i want to see your hand miss oh yeah i mean like my shoulder tucked in so you like you saw like one hand and the other one like i was like oh no i think one hand kind of tried to grab that's terrifying you're you're basically barrel rolling and you couldn't stop you couldn't like correct yourself so you're like you're just gonna hit yeah i had no idea oh so great i wish I remembered it. Alright, go ahead.

Okay, let's get into this huge sweaty duck. Feed it. You ready for the first one? I am. Alright. Thai teacher caught live streaming under skirt while teaching. Wait, what? Oh, that thing.

Yikes. The Teachers Council of Thailand banned a teacher from her profession as she live-streamed under her skirt while teaching children at a primary school in the central province of Lopburi. Jeez. Facebook Newsbook page shared a screenshot of the live application video of the teacher in class on June 27th. What do you think of her intention? What is the teacher's intention? What do you think her intention is? That was the caption? Yeah. What do you think her intention is?

I wonder if there's some weird thing in translation here. What do you think her intention is? Yeah. She's probably making a lot of fucking money. Yeah. Trying. Just to raise money for the school for new books. Yeah.

She's just, she's a charitable gal. Yeah, she's a charitable gal. She is. Uh, the image showed the teacher opening a book and teaching her students during a live stream. The woman who was wearing a skirt, then spread her legs to show off her underwear. Yikes.

Um, and the Beagle live viewers and followers can send gifts to a streamer. If they liked the live stream video, the gift could later be exchanged for money. The screenshot shows many of the teachers followers sent her gifts and commented on her livestream video So she knew exactly. Oh, yeah the fuck she was yeah, she's making money. Yeah, I get it so naughty it's Could you okay picture yourself like it's one thing to like say you you go to a live streamer and you're in the privacy of your house and you're like yeah nice take your take your top off or

whatever cool underwear yeah yeah but but now picture doing is learning picture doing that and like you can hear kids in the background going but what happened with the kangaroo or whatever and you're just like oh this is sick this is so sick yeah like math class they're doing like times tables you're fucking jerking off and answering the question okay four times three like you fucking 12 oh fucking love 12 it my fucking, it's the hardest number. Okay. Kiddos. What's eight times two? Fucking 16.

Easy. Try again. Teach. Couldn't get that one past me. 12 times 12. Fuck. I can never remember that. 144.

Yeah. You fucking got it. They're just answering the questions in the chat. Proud of themselves. Then sending a gift easy easy 10 flowers yeah they're not even doing it for sexual purposes it's like they get off on getting solving math problems getting things right remembering stuff 10 times 11 oh you fucking you fucking. Doesn't it make you think, though, like, that kind of shit's just, like, your school is, like, the teacher that your kids are going to could be doing the same thing. Yeah. Could be.

I mean, teachers don't get paid great. Don't get paid enough. They don't get paid enough. So they got to make a little. Yeah, you got to show your underwear. A little side hustle. Some time to time. I have a question that I've never thought about before why did times table stop at 12

i would much appreciate if they went higher than 12 guys with me just got too hard for a little right but not really no our dumb brains we could have learned until fucking 30 40 50 something make us do it or else we're not passing shit we don't get a lollipop God we could have So much more knowledge Right now Well yeah I mean There's like You know 1 to 12

That's enough Stop it there What if they would've Taught us how to Invest money Well I had a class That did I never did

And I never did I learned that shit On my own Yeah I had like A banking class You had to set up Your own business I remember writing

A check And voiding a check That's fucking Oh yeah In home Home ec Oh my god I made cookies business i remember writing a check and voiding a check that's fucking in home oh mech i made i made cookies and wrote and voided a check for your final today how do you void a check yeah we had to balance right void on it well here's the joke a plus i my one of my friends at the time uh we were like besties at the time and he so they're still to this day because i i wrote void on it but i spelled it wrong i wrote v i o d so v odd v odd so that's still like an ongoing joke we'll just be on that

yeah and then they go to the guy fills it out like tries to use it and looks at it he's like well it's not void it's not voided technically so here's two thousand here's two thousand dollars sir this is not a void check it's a vod check you're good you're good to use it you're in the clear all good to go yeah uh but yeah i mean you bet you i don't know going back to the uh the But, yeah, I mean. You betcha. I don't know. Going back to the teachers need, you know, a little side hustle. I guess it's just her underwear.

Right. That's it. It's not like she's showing muff. Nope. So they didn't identify her and she's just gone forever? Just lost her teaching license? Who found out uh to say the principal was probably watching that's what i'm saying yeah so i'm saying

one of the kids was watching and he's like waving in the background of the live stream he's like hey sick sends her flowers sends her a little gift he's in his office sick underwear dude fucking here's ten dollar flowers Yeah who found out Who was watching And be like Oh my god That's Mrs I think we

Mrs Mrs Huang Mrs Huang I think we needed That's We needed Dive a little deeper Into that

Is it an Anonymous tip It says here In a related story A music teacher In Bangkok School faces 10 serious charges Charges After sexually Ass assaulting a 14-year-old student for almost two years.

See, that's more, that's bad, right? But how bad is getting a little extra money? Yeah. Showing your underwear off in class. Well, the answer is it's bad, too. It's bad, but when you's it's all about perspective right like sure i showed my underwear but i could have been diddling a 14 year old so what would you this guy what would you rather have me do diddle a 14 year olds or show my underwear

show my underwear for live stream yeah exactly i mean that's why perspective is important you know yeah god humans are crazy her brains she is uh what what's the word i'm looking for uh entrepreneur no yes but yeah yeah i thought i'd get zach laugh on that one i didn't you did though i did yeah okay cool i was thinking when someone can

do something on the fly like they can adapt uh there's a word i'm trying to she's uh but it's basically like she's not entrepreneur yeah she's ready to rule'm trying to she's but it's basically like she's an entrepreneur yeah she's ready to roll yeah she makes the best of it yeah all right let's move on this is a funny story i actually have read read this one man flies to florida to attack gamer over online dispute he's like i'm gonna if you've never played games, especially online, like people, they say the most fucked up things. And I just sit back and listen to it and just shake my head like a dad.

Because they're sitting in their basement. Like a dad. I just go, guys, you don't say this stuff. But a lot of crazy shit gets said playing online games to each other. And this guy just took it to the next level. He's like, oh, yeah? And boy, did he. So here we go.

News Nation. A New Jersey man. Wow, we were just in New Jersey last week. With the lightning pull. Yeah. A New Jersey man allegedly took cyberbullying to a whole other level when he flew to Florida to attack another video game player after an online gaming dispute. I love how it's

not technically a Florida man, because it didn't but it still happened in Florida. Right. I mean, New Jersey, Florida. Same thing. It's a thin line. I love how the article was like, another video game player. At what point can we just say gamer? Doesn't everyone know what a gamer is?

Another video game player. Edward King, 20, was arrested early Sunday morning in charge of attempted second degree murder and armed burglary with a mask. Is that part of the charge?

Can you just like do burglary without a mask and then it's like lesser? If you wear a mask, at least, it better be a funny one or a good mask. If he has like a good mask

and he's like, okay, they dropped the charges. But if you're robbing shit with some run-of-the-mill fucking mask. Like a presidential mask. Oh, yeah. Nixon mask. God, grow up. Get an original idea.

Edward Kang, 20, was arrested early Sunday and charged with a... Grow up, lick a butt. Sorry. Grow up, lick a butt. According to a Nasu... Nasua... Guys, help. Nothing? i couldn't see it king and the victim nasa nasa uh king and the victim another is nasa county it's nasa county so i got it right nasa nasa another gamer around his age had never met in person but played arc age a medieval fantasy

massively multiplayer online role-playing game. Whoever wrote this article has never played a fucking video game in their life. No, that's exactly what I was thinking. It's a guy that knows nothing about video games writing an article about video games. I used to play Tetris. A medieval fantasy massively multiplayer online role-playing game. Come on. Get out of town. So, Kang town so king flew listen i love video games

as much as the next guy massively online huge big online multiplayer large large king flew from new york to jacksonville last thursday after telling his mother that he's going to visit a friend he met while playing a video game. Official said. A video game. When he arrived, King took an Uber to a hotel in Fernandina Beach. Fernandina. Sure.

About 35 miles. Meals? 35 miles. My brain isn't working, guys. You saw the video. And then brought a hammer or bought a hammer at a local hardware store. They lie 30 meals away. They take a tray.

The length of a tray. Yeah. The length of 35 Big Macs. He lived with them on the other side of the house. They discovered a significant amount of blood in the entryway of the victim's home and the bedroom. The victim's stepfather reported being awakened by screams for help help help when he went to see what was going on he found a video game player his stepson on the ground struggling with an attacker who was also a video game player in possession of a hammer authority said king was dressed in all black

wearing a black mask and gloves during an incident but but didn't say how he learned where the victim lived. You come here right now! I'll tell you my fucking address, you pussy! What happened? No, this guy probably looked it up in reverse. IP address, figured out where he lived. The victim suffered severe head wounds that weren't considered life-threatening, officials said. He received staples at the hospital.

How do you not... If you come in unannounced with a hammer, how do you not... I think you misunderstood. Have them... Huh? Huh? Go ahead. How do you not give someone non-life-threatening injury when you have a hammer? Hammer and they don't know you're coming?

Because you're a video game player that doesn't have real- experience with hammers you've played hammer video games how how could you not with a hammer how could you not fucking at the at the very least make someone like make an impact yeah you know i mean like you have a hammer and you should have a cool line oh yeah when you walk in yeah you're about to get hammered yeah you're about to get uh you're about to get hammered. Yeah, you're about to get knit You're gonna get hammered silly dolphin 36 Like whatever their fucking gamer tag was Are you the video game player the video game player big dick 98? All about the hammer your dick home big dick come see come see about me dick go come see about me dick Jacksonville, Florida No idea how they found out where he lived

he says his address big dick big dick dane big dick dane big dick avenue fourth avenue one two three six area code eight nine ten ten sorry authorities still don't know why king attacked the victim but they said uh he told investigators the other gamer was a bad person online. Okay, Dexter. Maybe he was just stepping up for everyone. Yeah, he's like, we gotta take this guy down. He's hacking on Ark Realm. King didn't answer many of their

questions, but admitted to hitting the victim during a phone call with his mother. What? Edward admitted to hitting the victim in the head with a hammer to his mother. Moreover, come on, Mrs. King asked if Edward went to the residence to kill the victim. When the suspect replied, no! What?

The sheriff's office said, all caps, only caps word in the whole thing. No! Online court records didn't list. Look at all the punctuation. Go back real quick. Yeah, it's a lot just a small space it's all the keys all the keys are happening in there and missing some which is fun online court records didn't list an attorney for king he was being held without bond uh here we go arch ages publisher announced in april it would be shutting down the servers in europe and north america on june 27th citing why is this in the fucking story declining

declining numbers of actor uh yeah uh citing a declining number of active players maybe because this dude's going around the world and like fucking hacking people up with hammers. Just fucking. He wants to be the best game, video game player guy. So he's going around and attacking other video game players. Well, the players are all like the numbers are all declining on arcs age. So I'm just like, and Kang is like out there trying to play the game normally and fucking dig, dig Dane Jacksonville, Florida, three, three, three, two West fourth street is like on there just fucking with king there's only fucking 10 of them left yeah he's running around the map he's like building shit he's like big dick dane comes in they have live chat he's like what's up king you pussy and then runs like through the map nice house you fucking idiot

and just runs through the map he's like I fucking hate this guy Just shows up at weird times Nice house nerd And he hits it with a sword one time Then runs off the map There's only 10 of them He's like god Well to that In that world

That guy is He is a bad guy It's their whole thing He is a bad guy That's right Someone needs to take care of this guy He's like stupid Throws a bomb at it

Shits on it Throws a bomb at it. Shits on it. Throws a dragon egg. Runs out of the screen. He's like, I fucking hate this guy. Leroy Jenkins! That's a classic for anyone who knows that reference. All right, guys, let's do this.

Leroy! Oh, classic. All right, what's the next story? Hit us with the baby. We have an unrelated masked man story. Okay. You've got my attention. Yeah.

Okay. Locals concerned about a naked man in ski mask allegedly scaring and chasing people. Oh, my goodness. Well, he's not all the way naked. He has a ski mask on. Right. Yeah. MPD needs your help identifying this masked man.

I'm supposed to recognize this. Oh, yeah. It looks like a fucking guy with a ski mask on. He's like, look at this dong. Okay. Let's see. Mobile, Alabama. It's see. Mobile, Alabama.

It's bizarre. It's unsettling. And it has a lot of people talking. Somebody wrote that. Somebody was sitting in the cubicle and wrote that. He said, print. Yeah, dude. Print.

That's sick. And their editor was like, yep. Yep, that's great. This is perfect for Mobile, Alabama. Alan Stone, KXTW. KXTWLA! Exclusive interview! We asked Jonathan at BX fucking Titty Fucker TY station broadcast company.

Some people in theater or in Tillman's Corner area were worried about a man wearing a ski mask they say has been scaring people and even chasing them. Just running after and swinging their dinner. Sounds like the guy in the video game. Yeah, it does. That's the whole, his character in the video game. He shows up fucking nude,

swinging his dick. Yeah, I mean they're in arches, or yeah, arch ages. Arch ages. And like how do you even have a ski mask you wish you knew you fucking nerd skis fucking ski poles cross-country skis out of the screen he's like god this guy's a fucking nerd i'll be back winter's coming there's never winter here. You'll see.

Not if I have any say about it. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Okay. One woman says the man chased her into her apartment a few days ago on the old Pasagula Road and threatened her. There is one very identifying characteristic.

He's naked. And there's surveillance video of at least one of the alleged incidents. The woman at the apartment complex on old Pascagoula Road caught the naked man in a ski mask on surveillance video Monday around

9pm. She says he chased her and told her to get in an apartment and take her clothes off. She says and he lunged at her before she slammed the door and called 911. Mobile God damn it. Mobile police say

they responded to the area but could not find him. Easy to spot. Meanwhile, Sabrina Pendergrass, a resident of the same apartment complex, saw the pictures on Facebook of a naked man. In 2020, she posted photos of a man, uh, lingering around her workplace. He also, he was also naked and wearing a ski mask. That wasn't me, officer. Fendergrass says she has reasons to believe it could be the same person.

Yeah, you have a lot of reasons. Same MO. Same MO. I got pictures of him butt naked wearing the same. Isn't that buck naked too? But I think people say butt naked. Either way. Yeah.

Wow. I digress. Wearing the same shoes. Wearing a ski mask so we can't tell who it is, said Pendergrass. I worked across the street at Exxon. He would hide over there behind Little Caesars and couldn't be seen at night

because I worked night shift. Pendergrass says she's sharing her story to help people be aware. It's more than just me and her. I've heard five or six people saying something about the same person. So it's not just us. It's about time this man gets caught, she explained. Imagine walking in to grab a fucking hot and ready.

Or a hot and sweaty, as we used to call it from old Pizza Pizza. And then just a guy hiding. Just a ski mask in the bushes. watching families all day pick up pizza just staring at you working at exxon like what the fuck and then he steps out steps out money breadsticks want one breadstick one breadstick coming up melted cheese all over his dick like what a weird spot you're looking at him with his dick that little caesar's sign in the corner pizza he's just hiding in the background pizza pizza he's fucking nude behind a bush call the cops earlier yeah it's been four years you gotta call the cops like let everyone people know he's hiding by fucking little probably probably

called the police and they were like yeah we'll get right on it yeah right we'll send send a squad over there it is way too hot for a ski mask there's no way what you're talking about is true but chasing what's i don't know hard to believe it's hard to believe that this is happening to me like chase me here into my apartment what do you think they're lying i don't know it's fucking it seems a little crazy a little much much. Like, what's his mission? He's just that bad at what he's doing? He just hasn't done anything? Well, he maybe. Just chases you around.

He's like, who are you playing with? Maybe he's an exhibitionist. It's like scaring people being naked with a ski mask on. Maybe he scares them, and then he runs around the corner. He's like, oh, it's hot, and rubs one out. Crazier things have happened. I know that. But the details and the timeline of years and years and years

and nothing has happened with this guy, I don't know. It seems like a naked man in a ski mask would alert everybody, not just you as your work at Exxon. Yeah. You know what I mean? Maybe she's got a vendetta. Yeah, could be. Police say officers are continuing to canvas the area with additional

patrols they say have no reports of a suspect trying to enter homes businesses or vehicles so there are no reports of that so maybe you're right if you have any information just fucking let us know we just we got we got to put an end to this if you see a ski mask with his dick out see a ski mask with his dick out that's funny not a person is a ski mask his dick out if you see a ski mask that has a penis fucking let us know you have to let us know all right let's move on to our next story uh this is fun a pet donkey disappeared in california five years ago he's been spotted living with a herd of wild elk. How'd they notice him?

He's picturing this fucking donkey. When Diesel the donkey ran away on a hike near his home outside of Sacramento, California. Are there any other Sacramentos? I could be wrong. But I feel like if you say Sacramento, I'm going to picture

Sacramento, California. Yeah, I mean, it's a capital of California. It's a big, long state. Five years ago, his owners assumed the worst. He had joined the mafia. He's not aggressive. He's a lover. Terry Drury told CNN affiliate KOVR back in 2019, days after Diesel's Great Escape. But right now, he's scared.

God, that's a movie. That's like a documentary. The next Jurassic Park. Dude, that's what it's going to be. No, it's going to be a documentary about this fucking donkey. It's going to be called Diesel's Great Escape. I'd watch it. Years passed without a sign from Diesel.

Until earlier this year, when a hunter spotted and filmed a herd of at least a dozen elk in Northern California wilderness. Among them, strangely, was a wild burrow. An ass! Drury is positive that the donkey in the Hunter's video is her Diesel. Finally, we saw him, Drury told KOVR, this month after an instagram video uh began making headlines finally we know he's good he's living his best life he's happy he's healthy and it was just a relief he's happy he's healthy he's an elk yeah the drew's elky he's elky the jury family adopted diesel from a borough from the borough of Land Management, and he lived on their ranch in peace for the first few years of his life alongside chickens, a llama, and a miniature donkey.

Look at him. A mini-ass. Look at this guy. He's just like, I can't wait to fucking be an elk. Dude, if I could be an elk. As soon as you leave, I'm taking off. Dude, you guys get out of here for one weekend i'm gonna be an elk but on a fateful hike in april 2019 diesel noticed something that spooked him and took off running dragging drury's husband dave through the brushes with him she told ko vr

just fucking stop stop it we already know you told them. One time is dumb. Five times is dumb. Okay. For weeks, they searched for diesel in the Cache Creek Wilderness, a rugged area northwest of Sacramento, made up of nearly 30,000 acres. Said, KOVR! They thought they spotted him on the trail camera. We got it covered. We got it.

Covered. I get it. Get it? That should be their catchphrase. We camera. We got it covered. We got it. Covered. I get it. Get it? That should be their catchphrase. We cover. We got you covered. We got you covered. K-O-V-R.

We got you covered. They thought they spotted him on a trail camera and once found some tracks that may have matched his hooves, which may have matched. I'm not sure, but this looks like fucking diesel hooves. Are they like fingerprints? I doubt it. I doubt it looks like fucking diesel hooves. Are they like fingerprints? Are they unique? I doubt it. I doubt it.

No way. No way. Is every hoof a little different? Why wouldn't it be? They need to have like a donkey fingerprint. Our fingerprints are. Why wouldn't their hooves be? I don't know.

Well, their hooves are made out of what our fingernails are made out of. Because they're stepping on dirt, not ink. Enter Max Fennell, a professional triathlete who occasionally... Wait, where did this guy come from? Enter a triathlete. Enter Max Fennell, a professional triathlete who occasionally hunts in wild California with a bow and arrow. Of course he does.

On a hunting trip in March, Fennell stumbled upon an elk herd. Those seem like two different things. A guy that runs a triathlon seems like not a guy that goes hunting. Goes hunting. But that's just me making assumptions. And he was stunned

to see a donkey among them. Blah, blah, blah, blah. The animals don't move again. I just picture Diesel the donkey fucking hanging out. He has a fucking elk rack

sideways duct taped to his head. He's like, nothing to see here. Nothing. And he's just like, ah! Just one of the guys. He's like, nothing to see here. He's just like, ah! Just one of the guys.

Whatever elk noises are. Yeah. They're like, ah! Yeah, they got like a little... But he's trying to do it. He's like, ah! I mean, ah! These guys hunt. Imagine like you have a gun in the scope and you're looking at an elk

herd and you go over and you're looking at all the elk. And you pan over and there's a fucking donkey with a sideways duct tape elk rack on its head. And he's like, what the fuck did I just see? It reminds me of some Looney Tunes shit. Like Bugs Bunny's trying to fool Elmer Fudd. Elk are like, I don't know, doing elk stuff, going on steep shit, and the donkey's just trying to fit in. He's like, guys, is this too steep?

He's still wearing the pack that he had when he left. Can you go to that video? What video? There's a video of someone, they got it with their phone, I think, and they zoom in, and all the elk are looking at the camera at the Guy and then you see the donkey Why the wind just trying to blend in look at him all right where we going now guys yeah so we moving on or this area looks like that scene in jurassic park where um they're running away and they all

they're that stampede of dinosaurs come at them they jump jump over that log. And the T-Rex comes out. They're coming right towards us. Yep. Look at this. Looks nothing like a donkey. Or nothing like an elk. Funny. I just thought of something.

When I saw the video the first time, the video zooms in, and he's just like, I'm an elk. I'm an elk. Yeah, just an elk hanging out here with other elks. There are none. Don't call my parents. Just an elk out here. It was terrible back there. Elk

is like deer when it's plural, right? It's not elks. It's elk. Yeah. How come sometime, but then you'd say like donkeys. There's multiple donkeys. Listen, I don't make the rules. Listen, I love animals as much as the next guy, but I don't have answers

there. I didn't name I didn't name him So you have some good news Let's fucking do it Let me do Yeah Zach do it So you're telling me There's a chance

Hooray We are doomed Yeah Originally That was gonna be My good news Oh the donkey Was found

After they thought It was gone But I'll do this one instead French millionaire Leaves Thai maid donkey was found after they thought it was gone. But I'll do this one instead. French millionaire leaves Thai maid $2.7 million inheritance. Oh, okay. Koala Lumpur, a terminally ill French millionaire, left her Thai maid an inheritance of $100 million. Bat! Bat!

Equals $2.7 million on her birthday before reportedly committing suicide. Well, that's sad. However, currently the inheritance is said to be put on hold. The stories are investigating whether the maid can inherit such an amount of money or if the maid murdered the person, which I'm adding myself. The maid's ill 59-year-old French boss was recently found dead at a residence on the island of Koh Samui. No foul play was expected. Suspected, but a probe is underway into a villa-style hotel belonging to Catherine Delacote in Tambon

Manam in Koh Samui Island in the Surat Thani province. The French woman had left assets totally a hundred million dollar back. Not why Prongonda 49 her house made of 17 years. Okay. Anyway, there's a lot of all the details and stuff, but I thought that was pretty cool that like, you know, someone that's

worked for you for that long. It's cleaned cleaned up your shit has done all that stuff and you're like you know what i appreciate what you've done i'm not gonna leave it to my family whatever i don't know family or they've done or charity or whatever yeah it's just like no you're gonna get it and i hope she gets it all yeah i hope she does it sounds like the family might have some gripes with it too right yeah they're like you're not no fucking way this is maybe her family with family was a bunch of bitches though should he just like under the table just gave it the i kind of think that uh i i've never thought about it until right now but i i feel like the family doesn't shouldn't automatically get claimed to something yeah if the person doesn't, shouldn't automatically get claimed to something.

Yeah. If the person doesn't want them to have it. Yeah. But that, I guess if there's not like a, like a clear will involved, who the hell else is going to get it? Well, she committed suicide. So I'm assuming she probably said, this is what I want. She or he?

He, her. It was a woman that did it. That gave it to. Yeah. What do you think? Women can't make. I didn't say that. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. You just assumed it was a man that did it. That gave it to the man. Yeah, what do you think women can't make? I didn't say that. Yeah, you did.

No, I didn't. You just assumed it was a man, didn't you? Yeah. I was going to say something about a husband. A French woman who had divorced her French husband was discovered dead near the swimming pool within an upscale villa compound back on April 29th. Her body had a bullet hole through the temple with a gun found at the scene. I wasn't saying that. I just thought that.

I don't think you think women can make. Well, let's be real. Her husband was probably the, she married the rich guy. Who knows? Who knows? But she had a bunch of money and gave it to the maid who took care of it.

I'm just trying to, I'm trying to find a way to sabotage this whole fucking thing. There's no way. But can you imagine being that maid? Like, just grinding it out and dealing with his family and having that job and getting 2.7 million? Mm-hmm. Good. And now really getting it from the family.

Yeah. I mean, that's awesome. That is cool. You inherit the house and all the family wants to come over and she's like, nah. No. You can come over and clean up. Yeah. family wants to come over and she's like, nah, no, you can come over and clean up. Yeah. We're having a party this Saturday. If you guys want to get like 20 bucks and clean up the cups and plates or

whatever. 20 bat. Yeah. You bet. Uh, yeah, that's it. That's cool.

That'd be fun. That'd be, that'd be really, I love that. I love that someone who does all the dirty shit and someone realizes it and just pays it off it's like giving a waitress or a waitress or a waiter a fucking car so here you go buddy have fun you need this more than i do yeah like maybe they ride the bus to work you're like you know what here you should be able to drive to work you just do this i'm gonna go back to my

fucking luxury villa with my seven pools but But here's here. Have this card. Okay. Let's move on to the next thing. Hey, Zach. The Internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple.

Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome so i've seen this specific product before i found it on amazon one time thought it was funny um but i wasn't sure if it was real or not and then so it popped in my head again and and I went and searched it out. But then realized the people that make it, or they do a bunch of stuff like this. And I think they're out of Seattle. They're the best. My buddy, the guy that did the Sovereign Citizen logo, actually worked there for a long time. Okay. So you can confirm.

Yeah. They created that horse mask that he created, that horse mask that everybody sees running around. Cool. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah, so I actually thought about it. I was like, fuck, I want to try to visit this store in Seattle at some point. Archie McPhee.

So you can go to Archie McPhee. It's McPhee.com, and you can see all the different products. But the one that just grabbed my eye because I had known about it was, yes, and you never know when you're going to need something like this. But they're Archie McPhee Instant Underpants. Just add water. Just add piss. That was my thought.

Funny. You're like, oh, fuck. I pissed my underwear. I need a new pair of underwear. So you piss on a new pair. On the Instant Underpants in the grow. So you basically, like there's a video that you pull out the little clump out of a little, kind of like a, what's the, Altoid.

Altoid tin. Tin. And there's underwear in there. And you just add water and then they expand. And then you have yourself some extra pair of underwear. Fresh pair of super quality underwear yeah i mean if you just need to cover up if you just like you're desperate for something just trying to get home from a thai restaurant yeah yeah yeah you're on your way or you shit

on the way home from your thai restaurant and you're like i need something i need to hail a cab but you don't have any pants on so just piss on this underwear and then grow underwear to hold your poop in yep what a chain of events uh going down there's a product on here called hander pants yep and my sister not the one that's dead the other one jesus bought me hander pants a handful of years ago a handful of years ago you get it and showed up i put them on for a bit i mean that's it's fingers leather gloves that are hander pants they're underpants they look like tidy whiteys in case you shit your palms or whatever well we had that thing about your butthole being on your the palm of your hand

this would be helpful so i'd work pull your just pull your hander pants off to shake someone's hand excuse me let me excuse me this is this is serious i'm gonna take my hander pants off take my hander pants off and make this official what yours but you still have the butt underneath so the butthole underneath shake my hand be a better rim job than uh licking someone's butthole i guess yeah a hand. A hand job. It would be a hand job. Ham rib. Ham rib job. Rim. Yeah, ham rib.

All right, should we hear from some of the kids? The code of ham ribby obby? Yeah. All right, let's do it. Do it. It's out. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really?

You want to talk to me? Wow, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. So this is gross. Great. Really gross. Can't wait. It is the most disgusting thing I've read in a long time. Yeah.

And this was sent in by our son, Tim. It's on, Tim. Fucking Tim! Tim! Hi, Daddies, and Uncle our son, Tim. It's on, Tim. Fucking Tim! Tim! Hi, Daddies, and Uncle Commie Zach. Nice. So, this is a couple weeks old. Just listening to this week's episode of 100, which is, you know, a few weeks old.

Can't believe it's been two years already. Just kidding. Congrats! Congrats! Anyways, wanted to share possibly the worst urban dictionary definition I've found. Okay, now I see why you guys are all fired up about it. It's not because I eat an ass, but it's close. Okay.

Found because a friend kept using Murph as a verb. Since my last name is Murphy, and we looked it up and stumbled upon Murphing. Definition and example of it being used is below oh boy are you ready no a necrophili what a necrophilic a necrophilic philic necrophilic betting game in which one participant performs oral sex on the corpse of a recently deceased pregnant woman placed on her back while another jumps from an elevated surface onto the woman's stomach. The participant who is performing oral sex then consumes whatever substance is expelled from the vagina. The participants switch positions, one jump per turn,

until one quits or fails to consume the expelled substance, in which case they lose, and the winner takes the pot of money agreed upon before the start of the game. James and Matt went murphing, James puked on the second round, so Matt won $5,000.

Anyway, if you read this, hope you never forget it, since it's permanently burned into my brain. Bye! Hmm. I picture it illustrated like Hop on Pop. Like the Dr. Seuss book.

Bung! and it rhymes well that's terrible hmm that's just fucked up yeah i mean it's like it i have a like a nasty taste in my mouth yeah because of because you're doing oral sex. Yeah, I feel like I just whatever expelled. Huh. I could still come. Do you think you could win? No. I wouldn't show up to this party.

He'd be like, hey, you want to go fucking murphing? I'd be like, you want to go fucking out of my house? Get out of here. I think this might have to be a would you rather down the road. Would you rather go murphing or something or have another kid or whatever all right yeah that is terrible that might be the worst one ever that's really bad it's fucked up way worse than rotten sled yeah which still has one thumbs second email good luck is from our piss happy son I want something else.

Second email. Good luck. Is from our piss happy son, Seth. Sup, dweebs. Since you guys are talking about... Wait, hold on. I zoomed in too far. Since you guys are talking about sleepwalking shit, let me tell you about my sleepwalking that I've done. Well, these aren't my proudest moments, but they are a little funny.

So, once being with my girlfriend, I've done this a total of three times in separate places. I have an idea of what it's going to be. I've gotten up, slept walked into the bathroom, and started pissing! Nope, not in the toilet, but all over the blanket with my clean... Basket. All over the basket with my clean clothes and girlfriend's shoes. Both separate times. And the last time was next to the bed on the little dresser.

Is that the nightstand? What if I call it a little dresser? Well, it could be my... No, right next to me, it's a dresser drawer. You have a little dresser over there? Yeah, two little drawers. I just have a picture, like a one-drawer nightstand. It just has your socks.

Yeah. A couple phone chargers. Out of the normal dresser, you're like, okay, I got my shirt. I got my pants. Where are my socks? And you turn around and go to the nightstand and pull your socks out. That's funny. A little dresser that I lay my fan. Vape phone and extension cord that everything is plugged.

Vape phone? That's what it says. There should be a comma probably. My fan, vape phone and extension cord that everything is plugged into. Could you imagine if your phone, you're just like, hello? Yeah, how's it going? I can't hear you. It sounds like you're breathing into your phone.

I am. I am. You have a vape phone. 4G burner. Everything's plugged in. The first two times, I had no clue I did it. And the last time, I was woken up to my girlfriend yelling my name because she woke up to my piss spray that was bouncing off onto her face. You're so lucky she's still there you motherfucker you met you're

sleeping and you're just like getting a little bit peck you know like what is that yeah you look up he's like hey good morning hitting his vape pin he's on he's on his vape phone fucking pissing all over the place pissing into his fan it's on the fucking little dresser just going just going everywhere just shooting his girlfriend in the face love everything you do hope you enjoyed my ridiculous story

I did we did sure did sure did well that was episode 109 is that what we're doing you're going camping

so we're recording again tomorrow yeah getting a few weeks ahead taking the old RV out. Old Gladys. Seeing how she does. Yeah.

Out there in the wilderness. This is going to be her longest trip and farthest trip and longest trip. So we'll see how she does. Really breaking it in then. Yeah. Well, it's from 1976. You better be broken in. True.

Better be braked in. Broken in. Broked it in. That's right. Broked it in. We're not really done though if you want to hear bonus content you can sign up on patreon that's patreon.com slash can you don't podcast shit gets wild over there a lot of shit that you don't hear on this show pops up over there just so you know be sure to follow us on instagram and facebook you can follow us at can

you don't podcast subscribe to our youtube channel at CanYouDon'tPodcast. You have something you want to see on the show, whether that is petty beef, confessions, or just some weird shit you found online, go to HeyGuys at CanYouDon'tPodcast. That's where you send that email. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Helps out a ton. Uncle Zach

and what he's doing, god damn producing this show, 7,000 other ones on scatcast.com. Yay. So thank you, Zach. We love you. Love you. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Facebook page.

I forget what it's at, but it's got to be like fucking 30,000 or so at this point. So yeah, go check that out. Are you ready to do the next part? I mean, you're shredding your air guitar over there. Dude, sweep pick it. Sweep pick it. Is that still air guitar? Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Nice. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! Woo! I get it. Yeah, let's wrap it up. All right, let's wrap it up. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right. It's sent in by our son, James.

Okay, thanks, James. Thanks, Jim. Love you. Where do bad rainbows go? I don't know. To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect. That was loaded.

That was loaded. That was four dad jokes in one. Yeah. That's like a magazine of just high caliber. Joke stuff. Bullets and just mowing yeah I get you kids down ah man

you just reminded me of the mow the lawn thanks Brian I can't get my mower to start we know try and sell it someone else will

fire it up for you that's a callback yeah it is snowblower alright bonus stuff here we go let's do it brother alright

bye go. Let's do it, brother. Alright.