Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Ankle Monitor. Lactic Acid. Manatee. Get Bent.

Episode Date: February 11, 2026

Can you even imagine how good it would feel to get released from a prison, get your shit together, then end up BUYING THE SAME PRISON YOU WERE KEPT IN?! Let's talk about that, trying to fool the cops by putting your ankle monitor on your dog, why do all women leave giant balls of hair in the shower, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/UgfH8jsFSFgSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Ankle monitor, lactic acid, manity, get bent. And the part where you're getting caught jerking off. Yeah. I just remember that, I think that's, isn't it an animated gif on the website? I think the animated, well, I can't say no for sure. But I think the animated gift that's on the website is some other, probably similar situation because we are us. But then, like, we start apologizing, and then you bend down and start sucking my dick, and then you start fucking your face. Oh, that's what I'm thinking.

Probably brush it off, kind of like it's a, like a sitcom introduction. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I just, how classy that was. I don't see it right now. Yeah, it looks. It looks good. Like, I'm out here on the side of the podcast world, like, why is it in slow motion?

It's going really slow. Wow. It's like, the internet down here basically doesn't exist, though. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, we learn. You're like, uh-huh. You fucking, yeah. What is happening?

It's so slow. I blame the cat. The cat just got here. You're welcome, mom. Everything was fine before cat was here. No, I was saying, like, just gutting for, like, a pretty decent-sized position inside, you know, the world that's outside of this podcast. Mm-hmm. And then I'm just, I guess, look at that gif.

Right. I'm like, I'm not kidding. That's exactly. kind of where I was going with that. Zach, what the fuck was all that? What was all that? I was trying to show what you were showing. I wasn't showing anything.

He was just closing windows. I realized I had a bunch of windows open. Here's this and here's that. I realized it's still on the screen. Episode 191 of the Can You Don't podcast, sending your content suggestions. At the time this podcast comes out, Brian will be weeks into a Mexico vacation. I might even be back by then, right? Enjoying all of his time share opportunities.

But all the content that we need, you know that we need. Send that into hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, the honkathon is on. Head on over and support us. Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Why are you? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

We just got here. I told you, I rolled in, finished up the coffee, and we've been sitting and chatting for a good hour and a half. And it was like, should we go down and do this? I thought we were talking about important stuff, though. We did, but I started, you know, get a little dozy. The coffee's wearing off. Goal is to wake you up. We do have some new Joey Hogbone's merch and some buttons available.

It's been a couple weeks, but if you haven't checked that out, we're not sure what we've mentioned over the last couple weeks of what's there. But head over to can you don't podcast.com. I think we're just going to build, we're just going to make a bar out of it. I mean, we're actually going to build a building and a place where you can actually go. Us personally going to build it? We're going to do it. We're going to build a building?

Can you imagine? trying to build a restaurant. Can you imagine using your PTO to go build a hog bones bar and grill? Just believe me. Just exhausted. Just all your sick time. All your PTO is to put up a hog bones bar and grill. You come walking into your work and you still got your tool belt on.

Just stressing over like a disagreement you just had with full throttle energy drink. You're like, I think they'll, I mean, I just, I thought I had them. And then sounds like they're backing out last. second. She's going to change everything to set us back. This doesn't work without full throttle sponsorship. You know that.

Yeah. So yeah. That'd be fun. It'd be a good spot for it out here. They'd be beautiful. Right next to the golf course? Anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be a great spot for it anyway. The back nine. So that's...

Available now. Hogbones hot dogs? Just scarf one of those bad boys down? You have no idea what you're eating, brother. Suck down a dirty hog bone before you hit the back nine. Just the only place that that sign could ever exist. Suck down a dirty dog. Before you hit the back nine.

Hog bones. Wash your balls here. Buy five hot dogs. Get one fucking pitcher of full throttle for free. Dude, full throttle on tap at hog bones. The only place. You got no beer, just full throttle. There's like eight.

You just have a bud light? Like, you mean Red Bull? Sorry, we don't sell alcohol here. You mean sugar-free Red Bull? I guess, yeah. Well, you don't need it. Then you don't need a liquor license. Yeah.

That's true. It's just so amped up. You don't want to deal with like having it, then losing it. Right. And getting it back, then losing it again. I mean, hog bones. That's another expense we just can't deal with. It's B-Y-O-B.

Right. Yeah, just put it in your leather vest and come to Hoggbones. Oh, we could sell a leather. vest that you open it up and has like little can holders in it. We have like cubicles so you can like drink out of our site so that we're not like legally responsible for the alcohol you bring in. Yeah. You just like sit down and hide behind a little

drinking wall. Dude, because now I'm picturing like this right next to the golf course too. So people are like getting ready to tea off. They're making their tea time. They're rolling in. There's a little little fog rolling over the fairway you know. Just like everyone's little I was getting stretched out. The sound of hogs

just kick stand out. It's how you slice that on... It's like you slice that at 9. You think the next 10's gonna be... You think whole 10's gonna be any better? Do nanny and a band to the bone. Hound to the bone. But you need a scarf down a dirty hog.

Who the fuck is this guy? People that go to like a golf club and eat at the club you know all that they're on different ends of the spectrum than the crowd that's rolling into hog bones on their Harley dude

like that is not the same crowd yeah that's like you inherited your grandpa's dream but you have we want nothing to do with golf yeah you've moved on you strictly Harleys but you're like it's a good business opportunity

the building already here we don't you know it's a great place to serve hot dogs. All right, let's start the show. Zach fucking rolling, baby! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right. So our little starting adventure today.

There he is. It took a minute. Shut up a little earlier than last episode. This is coming from the interwebs. It's a good place to find stuff. The Dub-Dub-Dub. Yeah. World Wide Web.

What is... And it's ridiculous. Like, I know it's gotten picked up, and by the time that this episode comes out, probably three weeks afterwards, but I first saw this on Reddit, it may be a little more rampant, because it is that funny. If you get to add one zero to any number in your life, what would you choose and why? Does that make sense? Yeah, and I think I already have it.

Well, there's the very surface. level ones, paycheck. Oh, yeah. Right. So you're making this add a zero to the, like, let's just say you're making what, 60K, now you're making 600. Like that's an, that's an easy one. However, I think you have to look at and weigh the pros and cons of that, because

if you're working at a company that can afford to pay you 60K, and then now you're making 600K, guess who is getting fired? Yeah. You. Because you, they can't afford. forward to you anymore. They're like, okay, well, that's too much money. So I feel like they're going to catch you. You get one paycheck and that's it. Yeah, maybe. If you switch to now, any account would be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what did I do? What's that? So what is 60K, roughly

5K a month? You split that to paycheck, so 2,500 bucks a paycheck. So now you get 20 taxes. Yeah, $25,000, $25,000 paycheck. That's fucking awesome. That's a third of your, What that is is fucking awesome. 35% of your annual salary. Yeah, you're done. And Jeff Bezos gets that by just listening to one second of this podcast. He would get like probably what, $250,000 per second. Anyway, we're not going to go down that road.

So I feel like adding it to something like that isn't the smartest play. I think I have it. Is it kids? You want 20 kids? No. Because you have two? No, nor the eight. I don't want to change anybody's age. My first thought would be out of zero to my house value. Okay. So my house is probably just ballparking it 500 to 500, 500 to 600, somewhere in there. Now all of a sudden it's $5 million. Okay. But look at the real estate market. The most expensive house in the neighborhood is usually the one that gets fucked over. You don't want to be the most expensive house in the neighborhood. Yeah, you still have to sell it. Yeah.

You can't just sit there and be like, fuck, when I sell this thing, it's going to be awesome. But I could. And your neighbors, they're like, you're not selling this shit. I can use it as collateral. I could take out. Like in a hostage situation? No, well, you could. Okay.

You could take out, you know, you get a big old loan for something and use your house as collateral. That's a lot of, it's a lot of. Thought about that. Yeah. What could you do with that? You could build hog bones all over the country. Yeah, you can go from zero to. chain, a chain of hog bones.

But if you had to add a zero to zero, double digit zero. So that sucks. Because we don't even have one yet. If we had one, it could expand to 10. No, I'm saying I get $5 million. I take a loan out against my house to build all these hog bones.

Oh, sorry, did I just completely black you out when you said that? Yeah, I like that. I like that. Because finances are like the first place you would go, right? Just money. There's sick days, which are kind of fun. But again, trying to think that your company would just accept that you went from 20 sick days a year to 200. Yeah, I mean, there are certain things that it's like, what happened?

But if it was magic, right? So if you were, if you're in a position where you're signed into a contract where they can't, although Washington, Washington is a right to work state, right? So they can get rid of you for pretty much any reason. I think a lot of states are that. How many are? It feels like a stat that Zach would know. 7,000 of them are. 7,000 of the 50 states.

Sounds like a lap time. Yeah. What's the most boring lap time of all? He just reads off right to work states. And we're like, hmm. A capital of Idaho is Boise. That makes sense. Yeah, I didn't think that was one.

That's good to know. He's like Arkansas. What, Arkansas too, huh? Oh, that's great. I didn't see that. That's crazy. It's illegal in Idaho to eat a guy. So if you are contractual and you have, but that also, it just shrinks down the situation.

Like, I'm not contractual for literally anything in my life. Right? Like, they can just get rid of you. But God, can you imagine having like whatever amount of sick days than 200 days off? I mean, that's, you're- Not including weekdays. You have to work for like a month. Yeah.

That's it. you're like, good to see you guys. Like, who the fuck are you? You come in and send a couple emails. You're like, I'll see you guys in October. I'm just catching up. Show up on one Monday every two months. That'd be pretty sweet.

And you're like, ah, you don't recognize anybody. A turnover is ridiculous. Anyway, you start applying to emails and get bounced back because everyone's been fired. You're like, ah, well, fuck, I'm exhausted. Go back to doing not this. I think one thing that no one's thrown out here, though, is a different angle to this. Oh, doggy? No, did it say add a zero?

Yeah, add one zero. Because I started thinking, like, what if you could remove a zero? Oh. Because now, like, let's say you weigh 200 pounds. Like the amount of STDs you have? Or you weigh 200 pounds, and all of a sudden you weigh 20. Oh. You imagine going from 200 pounds to 20 pounds?

Both of them are going to be in like the diabetes type of situation. That doesn't sound healthy. Type 10 diabetes Type 20 diabetes Type 20 diabetes Are you fucking kidding me The doctor just head explodes Your blood is syrup

Your blood pressure is none Dude you could Your blood pressure is making noise Like I can hear it gargle You can hear it It's like when like a It's like plunging a toilet It's a lava lamp

It's like, oh, fuck, gross, stupid. He takes his stethoscope off. That's connected to a plunger. He goes, fuck, you have type 20 diabetes. This is unprecedented. This is unreal. We're going to make a class around you. This is a whole new.

This is like, what's the opposite of a master class? Yeah. The unmaster class. It just shows you the worst of what you're trying to be, and you're like, okay, no, I got a baseline. Make you feel better about yourself. A masterclass by Gary Busey. And you're like, okay, so I'm doing okay. Huh.

It's just saying, goochemakes. We're flying. I mean, you get added to, like, speed. Let's say you're driving your car, you're going 60. Yeah? Like, let's add it. Let's go 600. But could you even handle 600 in schools?

No. Okay. I mean, the G-Force would... That school zone would go by real fast. You'd break the sound barrier and you'd start making sonic booms all over town. But, okay, hold on, going back, finances. Bypass paycheck, because paycheck seems like it's going to get you a red flag. Yeah, it's got to be legit.

What if you just added it to like your bank account? Okay, so right now, you might have to deal with the... the banks, right? But it used to add a little something to what you already have saved up. Well, what if you had like 20 bucks in your savings and now you have two hundo? Fuck, yeah. But that was your one thing that you could change? That's pretty cool.

Think about what you could do with that. You could pay off so much $20 debts with $200 bucks. 10 of them to be exact. I think if you, let's say you basically had no savings and you were working paycheck to paycheck. I think I would do the one zero on your paycheck to where they have to pay you. And then they're like, sorry, we can't keep this up. But at least you got a big chunk of money. And then you have some time to find another job.

I know that there's something we're missing here, though. Oh, there's got to be plenty. I know one. What's that? At a zero to your age and live till you're 450 or whatever. Well, don't you just become that age? I think it's like lifespan, isn't it? No.

Oh, then you're 450 years old. And you're instantly done. You're like, oh, add it to my age and like, yeah, yeah, you got it. Then I'd add a zero to my IQ so I could get double digits. In front or back. That's a good question.

Thank you. It was an IQ joke. Yeah. You get it. IQ of 1,200... Like 1,426? Yeah. Just your head would blow up.

That's like a couple weeks ago when we were like, if you knew everything or didn't know anything, that's basically that. Yeah. Fuck. I don't know. Zach, that seems like a bad idea. Yeah, the age thing, now that I think about it with my 12 IQ, is not so good.

But if you can make it so your lifespan is that, that would be all right. Yeah. Like a vampire. And there's some. Dude, could you imagine outliving your grandkids' grandkids? Could I? I mean, think about the bragging words. Have you ever thought, something I thought about before is like, you know, say you have kids.

This is something, my grandpa's kids, grandpa's other kid, you said, tell me. They're, that they're going to have to deal with. Like, what are you talking about? That doesn't make any sense. That's you. Yeah. No.

My dad made a deal and mess up the whole space time continuum. He's right over there and he's like fucking looking 40. He's like, yep. Back to you. What were you going to say? I was going to say, I had these thoughts before. Like, sometimes when I go down this hole of like, if you're kids, you know, you have kids and if they have kids, now you're a grandpa. and then if they have kids, you're a great grandma.

So, like, my kids still have a great grandma. She's still around. And the distance between that person and, let's say, like, my kids, the gap. So could you imagine, like, if you were, if you were my, like, my great grandma and you lived to see your great grandkids get old? Like, how much of a mind fuck that would be. And what a pain in the ass you'd be? Dude. But even, like, because usually, you don't, usually, like, kids, they have grandparent, great-grandparents.

Great grandparents for a little bit, and then they die, you know, so they don't really get established much of a connection. But if you were getting older and you were able to age with your grandkids

and keep a relationship going, and then outlive that. So you would watch your kids die, you'd watch your grandkids die, and then you'd watch your great grandkids die. You'd outlive that. That's fucking insane to think about. Fuck them.

Fuck them. Fuck them. Yeah. I jump to money, uh, kid stuff, age stuff. numbers and what I mean these are just a couple things that I pulled off of

the Reddit post right you know somebody would add weiner size that yeah I mean that's that's right there but the last thing I want is a forty five foot penis yeah you know what I mean yeah I don't need I don't need that but someone wrote a lot of toilets with that penis someone just wrote in quotes sir they just hit the 20th tower oh my god Can you imagine the chaos? Can you imagine sitting there counting towers? Just sitting there, like...

If you're at a point where you're high enough to see that, you might be next. The 13th? And you're like, there's no way. There's no way, dude. It's like... 14. Dude. They're eventually going to run out of towers.

Sir, they just hit the 20th tower. Uh, two girls ten cups. Mm, 20 girls ten cups. Yeah, that's a big cup. Well, you only get to add it to one of the things. Well, yeah, but you can switch it. Oh, 20 girls, one cup? 20 girls one cup.

Oh, God. It fucking better be the Stanley Cup. Am I right? You're right. That's a, that's Baskin Robbins right there. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're right. Basking in a lot of different shit.

God. So anyway, I'm not quite sure what my number would be. I think I would find a way. to wiggle in some sort of finance when it comes to zeros. I'm not going to fuck with age. I'm not going to like fuck with you could do a game

a sport, so let's say your team's losing. Right. But it has to like when you, do you get to implement this whenever you want? Yeah. All of a sudden it changes for the entire world. It has to be more self-centered probably. If you pick to add a zero just to win

a fuck, like have your favorite team win a baseball game. If you bet money But if you bet money on it You're like You bet your life savings That this team's gonna win The Super Bowl

And you're losing And you add a zero And you're losing like Three to 28 You'd bet on the loser You bet on the team It's gonna get spanked And then you add a zero

But what if They score zero Yeah For like one Three points Two They got a safety Yeah

And they get 20 And they still lost by 14 Yeah And you bet your life savings on that bet that's a gamble you'd be willing to take like even without magic you can't make it happen that's but imagine how like you you essentially could and then the controversy that the sporting place would be like we don't know why the scoreboard magically changed yeah we all watched it so those impl like you're hoping that everyone has memory loss and it's all of a

sudden just the lay of the land who fuck them who cares you got your money but everyone would get their money some balances in place yeah it's got to be more centered to your life to where it doesn't stir up the world. It has to be. So, but even if you, if you did it to your company, like, they're going to all of a sudden, if they have to pay you out, they might go bankrupt because they paid your. Or say it was a mistake and then you've, either way you spend just decades in court trying to fight for your little paycheck, draining it.

I don't think it's as simple as this sounds. It's not. It's way harder. Or you just go backwards and just like make it that simple. Like, you won't come for 50 seconds during sex, which is pretty cool. You're a five-second man, now you go to 50 seconds. That's pretty good. But I mean, but I would be careful to go, like, above single digits.

That's a scary part. Like 90-second man, that sucks. But the second you, like, like 10, like then, you know, whatever, 110 seconds. But you start going up to a normal sex length, and it's just forever. Yeah. Like five minutes with a zero on the back end? If you're a normal... It's like bitch you got all day?

If you're a normal guy who has... Who lasts a while. Yeah, that would be the last thing you want to do. Yeah. But if you're a quick man... Just last 5,000 seconds no matter what. Or is it just one time. I'm pretty sure I've lasted 5,000 seconds at least one time.

How many... How many... How many... How many... One, two... Carry the... Two for sure. Two today.

Well, I mean, if you average one once every other day, that's what, 180 or whatever. So, and that's too high of an average, so. I'm going to pick finances. I don't know where I'm putting it. Maybe an investment thing, like shares. I would go stocks. Right, trying to get away with some stocks. My investment, the investment that I have in there, it's not going to hurt anybody if I

I have a little Amazon investment. Just add a zero to the back end of that. Yeah. I mean, that's a big foldover and then get out of here, right? All right. Zach, what are you picking? IQ? Yeah.

All right. Fuck yeah. All right, let's move on. Zach, fuck! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? I'm thinking about some shit, guys. You guys climb in bed with me. Let me lay it out. Do you guys... Nope.

All right. What if you... No. Could you ever... Maybe. Like, there's just things from your childhood, per se, that, like, just carry over for no reason. Right? And we did talk a little bit about, like, putting socks on before pants.

Which makes so much sense. because you have caps. You don't have to pull your pants up to put your fucking socks on, right? Keeping batteries in a refrigerator. That is something that doesn't make sense. And I think that might be something that's pulled from the pilot episode that maybe never came out. Or did it come out? Have we had this conversation?

I think it is in the pilot. We never, yeah. But I also, I think we may have talked about it like we're doing now. Like, what if we did like a thousand Patreon subscribers, they finally get the pilot episode? I mean They just drew They're like we don't ever want to hear that shit Maybe we should just get to 450

We can do that We've been stuck here for a lot Not a bad idea So We just learn something Or you hear something Kind of one of the classic Like that's what my dad used to say

Or like old wives So it's like Well don't eat gum You fucking grow a tree And you don't swallow gum Yeah What I say? Eat don't eat gum

I mean I think it's don't eat the apple seed Or you'll grow an apple tree In your gum Yeah And your gum tree. And making faces. Like someone's, your face is going to stay like that.

Don't touch yourself so much. Your dick's going to fall off. Yeah. It's like, the only thing I'm going to do is come, right, mom. So like, those things kind of stick with you. And I have, it just popped in a couple days before recording this. I was having some orange juice. And I, and I love orange juice as much as the next guy.

Like, if it's around, I'm doing it. Because I love the... Hugo de Naranha. I love the Christmas. this, I don't even mind pulp. Like, you could do the pulp, you could do the, like, some pole. Less pulp. Or no pulp.

I don't care about orange juice. I'm fucking, it's going in me. I just love it. It's a nice bite that I truly cherish. Have you ever thought about how ridiculous amounts of oranges you're eating by drinking orange juice? Because I just want to have the power of so many hands and machines squishing it. Or the fact that you basically drank an entire bag worse of orange juice.

oranges. A couple dozen trees worth and I'm like and I pour some out. It's so good though. I want to deal with it. With breakfast, that bite with pancakes. I'm an orange juice all the time kind of guy, right? And

I was having some orange juice the other morning. And as I was drinking it and I was feeling the bite for no reason whatsoever this popped in my head and I thought to myself like, wait, like, I feel like my body was kind of sore. I had like a lower back pain.

And again, I've had this type of feeling many times since this extremely important piece of information was shared with me that altered my entire fucking being for no reason that I let it happen. And I drank it and I was like, oh, maybe I shouldn't be drinking this. And then I had a flashback. to my high school baseball coach. I think it was, this is not like this whole story is just a long-winded way to brag. As a freshman, I got moved up.

I was all city. All town. All campground. But as a freshman, I was good at the sport, and I got moved up to play varsity. And the coach, we were running and I think I maybe had to pitch or something happened and I was very sore. And I was getting a little snack and I reached for orange juice and I was drinking it.

And he said to me, like the reason you're sore is because of the acid build up in your body. You shouldn't be adding more like acidic things to your body because it's going to make your muscles hurt more. And I looked at him and I said, you got it for the next 30 years. That is Athletics and orange juice cannot coincide. Thank you, Dr. Baseball coach. Thank you, Dr. Idaho, middle-sized school baseball coach. For the rest of my life, whenever I'm sore, I'm going to forever know, do not drink orange juice.

Okay. And I just had that forever, through all my athletics, through all of my just, whether, whether, It's working out and being fit or doing whatever. Did you repeat this to people too? I would never. Because you're like, well, you know. I was like, no, I wanted them to be sore. Because I did the secret.

Right. The secret was don't fuck with orange juice. Right. Okay. And I know this sounds really fucking stupid. And sometimes that happens. And I sat there and I was drinking it a couple days ago and I looked down there and I was for no reason.

It just kind of popped in my head. I was like, should I be drinking this? Because I'm a little sore right now. And then it came back to me. I was like, holy fuck, lactic acid and citrus acid aren't the same thing. Do not even close are the same fucking thing. Like, not even fucking close. That coach is like sitting in his house drinking beer.

Yeah, he's doing, he's like watching Jeopardy and drinking a beer and he's had. He's doing push-ups. Right. Being like, I wish I never told that kid that. It's a great recovery time. tool. And I just look, he's like, we don't want to add more acid to it. It's just to make everything worse. And I was like, yeah, and just fuck off orange juice. My body has acid. If I put more in, that's not good. That's not good. It's already bad. It's just going to, it's going to pile up and

make my muscle cramps and everything way worse. And I also am ashamed to admit that I had to look it up. Even though having that realization, I was like, well, maybe he knew something I did. I mean, he was a grown-up. I had to look up lactic acid, and then I, you know, about it, like, what does that effect? Where does it come from? And then can orange, and then I love, on the side, I do love that it took this long to go from, what, 15 or 16-year-old me to now 40-year-old me, where the whole AI revolution has happened. And it doesn't, AI, especially Google's overview, doesn't care about your feelings. It's not trying to sugarcoat it.

ChatGBT is awkwardly nice these days Like you're like That's not what I look for Like you know you're right We're smarter than this Oopsies Yeah

It robs you into the whole thing To make you feel like you're part of its team AI on Google Doesn't do that shit And I wrote in like It's orange juice Bad for you When you're recovering like muscle cramp blah blah

And he goes No It's like no actually pretty good for you when you factor on all the vitamins, nutrients, water, hydration. And I'm like, hmm. I was like, is it bad for muscle cramps?

No. Actually, it's great. Studies have shown it's fucking awesome. Do baseball coaches know everything about health? No. No. Actually, they shouldn't be giving out any sort of advice other than the sport that they're coaching.

It follows up. It's like, I don't know. Was your baseball coach from Idaho? And you're like, yeah, and it's like, still no. Still, still no, dumb. And I've just been avoiding fucking orange juice for all sore muscles for the rest of my. And I love orange juice. Yeah.

I want to get it down, but I just took this flippant advice while stretching and being like, ugh, and had like one thing. And he goes, you drink an orange juice? Yeah. You don't want to add more acid to your body because the acid buildup is what's causing your muscle to be sore. I'm like, well, fuck orange juice. Oh, wow. You know everything. I hadn't even considered that.

That's crazy. You know everything from a guy who got this job playing baseball to community college a while back. Played a little minor league ball in the 80s. Oh, my God. So anyway, just those things that you hold on to. And I just got rid of one and I thought it would be fun to share with the listeners. I mean, I don't have anything specific, but I know there's so many things in childhood, the same thing that. Like cleaning your house or doing things.

Real. Sorry. So what I did there was I had a bunch of shame and I wanted to make sure that as soon as I could, I transferred it back to you. See, my skeptical, my skeptical brain started figuring this out long before someone told me that. Oh. So I'm in on it. I got it. Okay.

Don't worry about that. I'm not worried. But there are certain things when I think about, like, doing the dishes or, or cleaning the house or something that maybe that my mom did that I started doing and that, like, Amber does completely different. Wrong. And I just assumed, oh. She doesn't get it. Like, one of, one of them does it. One way one does the other way.

And, like, well, one of them isn't doing it the right way. But I don't know which one is which. Clearly, it's your wife. Moms. Come on. Yeah. They cannot fall. They cannot be faltered.

This is a very dumb example, but another thing, as I had this juice realization, I was like, what else is fake? Do we actually land on the moon? What else have I been blindly following? And this is a leap from that to like the flat earth or moon landing because your coach told you. Besides that, I was like, what's up with fucking ice? You're like, whoa! The politics! the structure

the Constitution Orange juice rights You're like Jesus I did not picture that coming No it was my fucking hair gel And I know Again

There's not a whole lot left But listen I'm trying I'm not Bosley trying But I'm trying Okay You have bossily and me around I have enough subscriptions I'm not gonna be

getting emails from Bosley. I just don't think it's real yet. Maybe a flight to turkey for hair plugs. That's in my fingers. The transplants is the way to go, I think. Yeah. I got to go somewhere where they allow it. But I had this thought with hair gel, like hair product, wax, where

I just, at a necessity, had to go to a Walgreens and buy a little hair product. Right? So it's not like super... Wallgreens, huh? It's basically bird hair that I have. It's very thin. It's very blue. It's very blonde, which makes me look extra bald. And that's just the life

I live, right? So I'm trying my best over here. It's the burden that you were... It's the burden you were given or whatever the line is. The burden? Yeah. So I had to get some hair gel from Walgreens. And at Walgreens, there's a, like, a fucking vat of hair gel. I haven't explored any other options.

And I'm not even kidding you. It's like a small saucer. You put your hands in like... It's so, you could You could really get in there Like it was a tub of bacon grease And it was like three bucks That's a hell of a deal And I look at it, I'm like, I mean, it's fine for today

But there's no way as good as what I used to have And it is Turns out it is Three bucks is like a fucking just Half gallon I want to have this shit till I'm Like next decade. 50th birthday

I'll wear it out and rub it in Whatever I have left up here And what I used to to buy before, it was like a $45 tiny container. I forget the brand off the top of my head. I start with an S. And the reason I got it was because I got my haircut one time

and probably 16 years old. Very impressionable. Hormones and boners are just like there. And the lady who cut my hair, I put it in, she told me that I looked great. And from that point forward, I've wasted $1.6 million.

on fucking hair wax. Well, you know why you took her advice. Because I took her virginity? Hey. Oh, yeah. No, she's leaning over cutting your hair and sticking her tities in your face. Yeah. Like that's, I remember that every time I go to haircut, they're like, let me get the back

and her cleavage is in my nose. And you're like, let me get the back. Yeah. You know what I mean? Cleavage is in your nose. Yeah. Or your nose is in her cleavage. Yeah.

And that's just fine. Cleavage is in your nose. nose. Good thing I had a big a big, uh... Just that pink, you're like take a breath and her boom goes right up your nose.

A cartoon? Yeah, I mean, it was nice having that big drape over you, so she couldn't see the, the bones. I was rubbing one out underneath the thing. You ever jerked off in a barber chair? No. Okay.

Zach? Not yet. Okay. That's a spirit. I love that. I love that spirit. Anyway, you just stick with shit that you learn and just

fuck. And I know that this is a normal human experience. If you have one, hey guys at can you know podcast com, just some dumb shit whether it's something you keep buying for whatever reason or something that someone said to you and you're like, yeah, that's true

and you just live with that forever. Go ahead and send that in. I love to read about him. I thought the entire world just smelled like cow manure and sugar meats. And water fountains? Mm-hmm. I went to the forest in North Idaho and it was like, whoa. Smell trees.

Is this the best place on earth? And that's why you live here? Yeah. As soon as I always knew I was getting close to home, you start smelling it. Yeah. Yeah. There it is. Didn't do much traveling.

Yeah, it just smells like a new Mormon temple. Mm. Cow manure. Water fountain. It's got that new Mormon temple smell. And that Arctic Circle is still lingering in the mud. Oh, I have a story. I completely forgot about it.

I'm not going to share it now. I'll save it for another one. You're going to be either, I mean, proud and sad at the same time. No, I don't have money. Arctic Circle. All right. Jesus, we're...

For the golden geese. Daniel Spatz. Matthew Lennar. Stephen Grarum. Neil Duffity. Todd Zottenhorst. George Tassato. Until April.

Matt Johnston Maggie Stokes Jason Clacer The sofa king Jordan Payne sick leave Nice

Get it Because last name's holiday Thanks for everyone who supports us At the Golden Goose tier Over there on Patreon And of course If it's not that If it's not the golden goose tier

You guys It still allows to make the show Keep going So head off in there Get the Honkathon roll In patreon.com Slash Ken you don't podcast Ready to gargle?

Get that dick deep. Tickle the tons? I don't know what that feels like. So, I can show you. I'll take your word for it. I'll show you during the segment intro. Okay, take your pants off. Zach, go ahead.

Zip. How'd that feel? Interesting. All right. If I got that response after sex, is that the worst? It was interesting. I feel like we've talked about that on the show,

like the worst response. Like, I've had better. that that is that's terrible like fine no fine you betcha that's up there but interesting it was it was interesting good god piqued my interest huh what the fuck did you just say how fuck did you just say i don't know piqued my interest in what had my mind wandering a little bit I guess I thought about a lot of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's a whole topic, right?

Where people just beg for the truth. It's like, you don't. You don't want the truth. You don't know what that means. You can't handle the truth. Yeah, they've said that. But just a blanket. Jack Nicholas said that.

A blan. Jack Nicholas hit golfers. He just goes to the pot. He goes, you can't handle the truth. The fuck you can just say? Ping. Pong. No, that's a good one to think about, like, that truth thing.

It's like, just tell me. the truth, it's like, no. I'll tell you the truth about this, this, one thing. You do not want all of it because we won't make it. Because we're all pieces of shit. It's the perfect size. It works just fine. It works just fine.

It made me interested. But you're like, no, you don't actually think. Is my dick big enough? It peaked my interest. It poked my interest. The fuck did you just say? Like, good God. When is our lease up?

I'm interested in the fucking lease agreement What are we doing here? God, you do not want nothing about the truth Okay, let's get into our first one You better bring a lot of other stuff to table If you're just piquing interest Is it's peeking my interest? All right

Where are we going? Albany Okay I don't know if it's New York or not But I'm sure it is Albany defended on the run after A fixing ankle monitor to dog Defended on the run, okay

Just say attaching, you don't say a fixing Lamont Holmes failed to appear at Tuesday hearing Probation officials told the court His ankle monitor was a found attached There, see, how hard was that To a dog in Rensselaer County His boss was like, you gotta sound more

Interesting In your headlines, they're like, okay, Fucking attached A canine! You're not attached to that word or that headline, are you? Yeah, a canine became attached, affixed to a canine.

Get the fuck out of here, dude. He phases up to 15 years in prison on weapons charges, so it's kind of a serious situation going on here. He did what he did for a reason. Yeah. Got it.

Authorities are searching for a man who skipped a court appearance. Dude, they need to send dog on this guy. The bounty hunter. Yeah. He passed away, right? No, his wife did, Beth.

Wow. He's still kicking. He's remarried. Yeah. I think we made that mistake before. What's that? Back to you. On the show.

Talking about that how he passed away, and everyone's like, no. No, he didn't. Very much alive. Out of all those hundreds of emails, I still was like, he died, right? Like, that's just the world we live in. Like, thank you guys. I actually remember that now. But you're not going to stop me from saying the dumb shit I say.

You peaked my interest, but I'm still not going to remember. I'm still not going to retain any information. Search for a man to skip a court appearance earlier this week and disappeared after leaving his court-order GPS ankle monitor attached to a dog. The Albany County District Attorney's Office said Friday. Okay, I was hoping it was them that said it. On Friday, too. And not W-A-B-L. Lamont Holmes had been due in front of Albany County Judge William T. Little.

Can you imagine hearing these characters? And having it provide any additional context. William T. Little sounds like a kid's book character. But also, like, who's reading this? And they're like, eating their bowl of lucky charms. Like, Lamont Holmes is doing court. We're courthouse. Albany Court who they see in. Judge William T. Little.

Oh, fuck. William T. Little. He's a hard ass. Oh, man, he's going to see T. Little. God. Just going before the judge In a court That's all we need

No one's gauging how much And it's Albany County All right I've been there Man, last time I'm at least time I text That's the Morrow To a dog Because I really hope he's not going

In front of William T. Lillow Oh shit he is That guy's got president Oh shit Snit Fuck honey Bring the rainbows to see T. Little.

He's going to see T. Lee Littl. He's fucked! He's already ruled on dog ankle monitors. This president has been established years ago. This guy's fucked. Sir, you're in the prison

library. Please quit yelling. He's got one of those roll-up things. Yeah. Lamont Holmes is going to be right here with me. Fucking fuck William T. Little. He doesn't get a joke.

He's fucking eating food. What day of the week That was that on? On Tuesday Okay For a hearing ahead of his January 27th sentencing Which at the time recording is just a couple days ago

Oh wow So are we timely? You know this maybe This is going to come out in a month or so Now three weeks maybe When Holmes who lives in Albany Yeah Did not appear

The Albany County Probation Department Notified little In Albany Yeah that Holmes had cut off his ankle monitor and affixed it to a dog in Rensselaer County the district attorney's office said

it's a huge problem it's just it's where it is who said it and when they said it it's the whole article nothing was there a news channel that reported them WNYT News Channel 13 first on the scene reported on the K9 assisted failure to appear

the TV station said a woman found a dog running free Tuesday morning in the town of Nassau. A vegetarian. Nope. That was kind of on purpose. A veterinarian noticed the ankle monitor attached to the dog's collar

and called the police, the TV station reported. Thanks for showing up. W-N-Y-T. Couldn't have put those together without you. The district attorney's office said Little issued a bench warrant for Holmes who had pleaded

guilty to criminal possession of a weapon in February of 2025. It is not clear if Holmes owns the dog or if he will face new charges in Rinsler County. What, from fucking with a dog? New charges for that or what? Mm-hmm. Could be. Assaulting a canine.

Sit. Holmes Public Defender did not immediately respond to the request for comment. He faces up to 15 years in prison when he's eventually arrested. Sentence. Sentence. You can't do that. Brian? No. Okay. I

want to I want this story to play out in a way that they didn't quite grasp what Mr. Holmes

had done right where they just were looking at the GPS like some guys sitting back in the doctor's office

but like the department the corrections department watching the GPS readings of Mr. They're like dude fucking homies

running around the dog park fast too he's just Just like, I don't know, some kind of camera. And there's like, God, he's just sniffing dog butts? Or he's running this way, then back because someone's playing fetch.

He's just going to running here really fast. He's like, good for him. He's getting some exercise. He's enjoying the outdoors. Yeah, he's like, you know, a couple days of that shit. Like, he just keeps doing this. What the fuck is he doing? He hates squirrels.

Yeah. Weapons charges are crazy, right? 15 years. Okay? Hmm. Now, this is something I haven't shared on the show, and I don't want to get into it too much. And at the time that I actually am sharing this, I don't remember the actual details. But you guys know about my little sister, right?

Where she accidentally overdosed. There was about a month, month and a half ago, they caught this drug ring that knowingly mixed deadly chemicals inside of these false drugs that she thought she was buying. the real drugs, right? Um, but again, skipping over it. And, uh,

one of the guys I listened in, we wrote in and like helped the attorney with family, uh, whatever, like first hand situations of how, what he did fucked up our lives. Um, and I listened into it.

And he got, I think he got 15 years or 20 years for knowingly selling a drug combination that was killing people. Like it wasn't. It wasn't just my little sister. Like this ring, there's people trying to run, they caught people trying to fly out of the fucking country.

By the time, she bought them in Austin, Texas. They were in North Carolina and they were trying to get fake passports to get the fuck out of here once their little ring started collapsing. And they caught this guy and a couple others, and they're all fucked. They're all getting like decades behind bars. And

this guy got 15 years. Was this guy selling like a fucking missile equipped spaceship? Or what, yeah. Why does this guy who has killed dozens of people get 15 years?

Which again is a lot of time. Right? I understand that's a gigantic chunk of life. But this guy just had he better have had a flamethrower, a t-shirt cannon that also shot out

at proximity mines. Go ahead. I'm pretty sure you can't even own a musket in New City. Oh. But it's New York States. Fifteen years. But that also does

kind of point back to like the wildness of some of the laws, right? The strictness. It's like I get, I get caught with, like what if I had?

I'm trying to think of what's illegal over here and not much. This? Switchblade? If I got caught with a switchblade and got fucking five years

in prison. Just for owning a switchblade that I used to cut open boxes. Yeah. Or like filet a Flay a steak when I'm feeling feisty. And it's like, listen.

Do a little whittling some treat while you're camping. Say goodbye to your kids. You're missing college. Just like, I'm sorry. What? Sorry, the next time we talk to your kids, they're going to be 38 years old. The fuck did you just say? So anyway, that's wild to me.

Because he got all that for having knowing ties. Maybe the guy was selling weapons to people that were killing people. Like, it has to be something crazy like that, right? You can't just be owning a few guns. In that case. Maybe he was a felon and he got caught with a bunch of weapons that he couldn't legally have and it stacked up or something. I bet. Let's go backwards.

Let's find a little bit more about Lamont. Why can't I click on his fucking name? Is everything a hyperlink? Oh, there's a Lamont Holmes that's an actor, but I doubt that's him. did his acting career spontaneously end in 2025 February did you

were you able to copy it I can't even fucking click on this thing I just I just what I just looked up a new I just typed it in but also but also isn't that wild

that just like a lot of it comes down to a judge right mm-hmm like it's like why the fuck does you get five years for like a to killing your family. Five times felon was taken into custody and taken

into co-I'm assuming it's the same guy. Police say he was in possession of nine grams of cocaine and 3.3 grams of fentany. Homes was charged with second-degree criminal possession of a weapon, loaded firearm, class C felony. Second degree, there's a whole laundry list of

things. It's been adding up. He was yel-e. If this is the same guy, I'm assuming it is. And I don't remember the name of the guy. What if this was the same guy? It says co-host New York, so it's probably him. Albany. La laag. He's in prison currently

for killing Joe's little sister. What else? And this was on January 1st. This one do I do. So it seems pretty recent. Yeah. Anything.

That's fun. Well, it was a nice try. That was a nice escape tactic. Oh my God, he's on the run. He's running 45. five miles an hour. That can't be the same Lamar.

The idea that you send the dog one way and then try to run the other direction, like this will throw him off my scent. You just like throw a steak and you're like, fuck this, weapons charges. Go get it. I'm never going back. All right, let's move off to our next story. Manatee dies of injuries from sexual encounter with his brother. Do we need to read anything more?

No. Okay. Should we just move off for the next thing? So a manatee who died in a Florida aquarium this year sustained fatal injuries caused by sex with his brother. If I had a dollar, dude. Hugh, 38. Yep. Yep.

When I was reading this, it sounded like people. You can't just do that. Like it was people that this was happening. It's like, Hugh, 38 manatee years. Mm-hmm. It's like died unexpectedly back in April. which this week shed more light on the animal's passing saying the injury was most likely the result of sex with his brother.

Okay. Buffett. Buffett. Yeah, Buffett must have been the one who was there. He's like, I don't know. I'm going to buffet. On the day of Hugh's passing, Hugh and Buffett engaged in natural yet increased mating behavior observed and documented in manatees, both in managed care and in the wild.

Fuck, dude. I think it's... It's his Roman times. It's important to say that the Hughes handlers never believed that he was in any danger. Yeah. They truly thought he was...

He didn't say the safe word. He was like, freedom! No, never said it. He kept on saying aquariums. He kept on saying aquarium. This was the first time such heightened mating behavior was witnessed between two manatees.

The Cropsy. They were really getting it after it. Perform by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission's Marine Animal Pathopatio Ballology Lab found the fatal wound was a 14.5 centimeter long tear in the ventral wall. Of his colon. That is fucking, dude. I'm a ventral wall. I got me in the ventral wall. Tell me again how you're sorry about taking my Christmas gift.

Manatee colon. I want to see if they have a... What? I want to see if there's like a... It's either going to be like an awesome bar? Ventral wall. Or something that's blocked. I want to see if...

Just do a picture and see if... Oh, see... No. So, like, just... Isn't it fun that are closest ties when it comes to just behavior and socialization? Not closest, because we got chimpanzees and stuff. But a damn close second is dolphins and manatees.

Right? Whales have a lot of... personality or human humanistic traits. I think we started in the water. Thanks, Brian. I come from the water. I come from the water. But just that this is still, like, just fucking holes.

Just fucking holes. Like, I'm your brother. I need to come. I can't just hunt the water. Our family manitry out of this. The manitry? Yeah. Family manitry.

You get in. It was on the fly. It was on the fly. It was on the fly. I ran off the flipper. But, just like that shit, the fucking blow holes

and just tag team up on people. Dolphins do that. The whole world's fucked, man. That's really what it comes down to is everyone's just trying to fucking came. I hear you. All right, we got to get to Petty Beef.

We've got a girth of a show rolling right now. Zach, let's fucking deal! Silence is in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef Corproom. where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real.

The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right, so this was sent in from our son, William. William. Do I have to yell all these caps? Yep. Hello, Dad!

And other Dad! With a fucking why! For some reason, who stands to him? He wipe his ass! after he shits! I guess if you listened to the first episode, I forgot about that weird shit.

Ha ha ha. Yeah, you should feel bad about that. Uh, hell to my, oh, so sneaky Uncle Zach. Hello. This is your son Will, who after being the loser now wipes my clean wean like the rest of you with your fancy dicks. Fancy.

Good luck. Even though there is not and never will be dick-dammit. Nerds? Should be. Yeah, you come prepared. I have another petty beef that I need your help with. My stunningly beautiful wife, Amber. Oh.

Needs a piece of stop. She loses hair in the shower, and that's all fucking fine, and dandy butt! But she gathers it and sticks it to the wall of our tiny-ass shower! That's also fine. What is not fine is that she leaves it there with no intention of removing it. After a while, there's a huge... hairball that if not wet down before you start showering, it will fucking fall off the wallet onto you.

I have no idea where it all comes from. Her head. I was going to say, sorry, detective for interrupting. It's not her back. But it's going to be the place where all the hair is. She would be bald as fuck three times by now. In an attempt to annoy her, I have recently started making art out of it. I turn the hairball into a fucking beautiful dick

art on the shower wall picture attached to this email okay she is unfazed by the hair dicks and still sticks her hair to the wall for it to fall on me is there shower upside down like how is this happening

it might be tiny is William just get in there and go oh finally you get to lay down fuck fall on his shoulders I'm just hanging from the ceiling like it's a, like party flyers what are this called? Yeah, whatever they're called.

She puts it on the wall so it won't go down the drain and block the drain or our pipes. I guess it's kind of a good point, but she won't just hop out and throw that shit away when she's done. I have even tried those hair stoppers for the drain, but she doesn't like the way

they feel on her feet. I can't win. I know if I left messes in the shower, She would fucking choose violets. Dude, your voice is gone almost. She is a monster! A sexy monster who I love. Nice.

I think I searched for that one time. Sexy monster? Yeah, show me a fucking horselet monster, but a horse slut monster I love. I also know how to get to her fucking stop it! I love her long red hair, so I can't shave it off while she sleeps. So I'm going with the route of sweet, sweet shame. She asked me not to write this into the show, but here we fucking go! Help me two dads and one Zach.

If this is right on the show, please give me a threesome zacks. And a... I love the show. I look forward to my drive home every Wednesday. Keep doing what you do. Your clean wean son will sent from the cold floor of my bathroom. Okay, let's take a look at this pick. That is art.

That's Picasso. It does look like Picasso. DeCaso. Dick, DeCoso. He does get it. So, for the people, couldn't see that. He took, like, one strand of hair and shaped out of ball, and then took clumps to make pews on top and ball hair. Yeah.

Also, a weiner. It's not just the ball. It's a whole, it's a rod and all that's in there. But it looks like it should come to life and, like, tell me a story. It kind of looks like pepper, pepper the pig. Yeah, that's exactly. Yeah. It's great.

It's abstract, and I love it. This is just one of those things. When it comes to relationships, there's certain, like, how much do you bitch about things? That was not just a, you know, get open it. What's it called? It's a rhetorical. It was not rhetorical.

I'm asking you guys, how much do you bitch about shit that pisses you off? Or do you see it and be like, I do plenty that she wishes I didn't. So what I'm going to do is not bring this up. And I'm just going to fucking handle it. That one. That one. We actually had a conversation years ago where we just decided they're like, we know. Me and you?

Huh? Me and you? No. Oh. And my beautiful wife, Amber, is the same as this guy. Uh, where we just, we know each other do a few things that are annoying and we're just going to do our best to. not

minimize it and we just we know each other does something so if we call things out then we're then you gotta call it

so let's just not let's just live with it yeah I think that's helped yeah I think that does help there was some advice

that I came across again years ago where it came down to like a three strike rule right and then the three strike rule I feel like has to repeat

beyond that where you notice let's just go with like trimming your beard I don't do this because I personally hate having hair

all over the bathroom sink so if I'm trimming my beard or whatever it may be I will clean it up immediately because I hate it like I don't like it but a lot of men are not like that they're like this is

especially if they have like his and her bathroom sinks is like this is mine so I'm going to leave it this way again to me doesn't make sense, but also in that situation,

the other half will look at it, like, that's fucking grossing me out. And I feel, if it comes down to the three-strike rule, you see it, and you're like, I hate it, and then the next time it happens, you see it again, you're like, okay, starting to bother me. And then the third time you see it, you be like, can you please

clean your sink out? You don't address it as you fucking lazy slob piece of shit. You're fucking ruin the whole bathroom, you say, hey, the hair in the sink is disgusting. It bothers me to look at it, can you clean it up? And chances are, they'll do it for a bit. And then they fuck up again. And you just kind of play the same three-strike rule and it spaces out the nagging or it spaces out the fact that you do love this person.

You have chosen this life together. So don't bring it up every time it happens. Because they could probably do the same thing to you and they don't. So put the, put on the old three strike rule. It also, if you're a type of person, though, that you, you can let it get to you. Where you're like, you're, you're not even upset that the hair is in there at the sink anymore. You're upset that you ask them to take, to fix that and they don't do it. And that's what you're upset about. Not they even the hair in the sink.

It's the, that they won't. Or they didn't care to do it in the first place. There's so many reasons. I mean, I, I lay down a. like a haircut thing and then a hair bib yeah and then

dump that I'll take an old grocery bag I used to I kind of stopped because I realized that if I just change the order of my operation then I'm okay

but I used to rip a grocery bag and then you can spread that out over the top of the sink and then you shave into that that you can just throw the grocery bag and hair away but then I realize that doesn't solve a whole lot

it saves me a little cleanup for the pieces that go rogue and shoot off a foot above the sink and bounce off the mirror and go all over the place it saves me a little time in that department but outside of that I'm just wasting plastic bags

just don't turn the sink on yeah that's it or wipe it out first yeah just wipe it out and then you can go to the sink cleaning process but it was all about just not washing your hair down the sink I think it's the The intent is what changed.

So, like, if you go to shave your beard, you are, you're going to do something that will make a mess. A lot of times with ladies in the shower with the hair, they don't, it's not their intent to rip hair out of there. And it happens so much. They're washing their hair. It's just coming out. And they stick it on there and do not think about it. And then to get out of the shower forgetting that it's there. And then when you get in there, it's stuck on there.

So it can be annoying. but the intent wasn't to go in there and rip hair out and stick it on the wall like it is for us to like when we're shaving. So if you go in and you're shaving, you should clean up after yourself because you're, the mess you created is a space for everyone. Whereas the hair thing is just kind of forgetful. It's communal space. So, I mean, it's kind of, it's kind of gross. But my wife has a lot of hair and it gets on. She curls it up and like sticks it on there.

And then a lot of times, or no, it's hanging there, but then when she gets, she goes, go, who curl it up and throw it away. But it's, it takes a few times for that. It's also so funny that that's the, that's just what we do. Mm-hmm. It's just something that she had probably always done and just kept it going. They all do. And I'm not going to, it's not really, it's a few times here and there have made fun of her about it or whatever, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to, like, will you clean up your fucking hair is disgusting. Yeah, but also, if you ever pulled and cleaned a drain, it is a gag.

We got, I know. It's so bad. We have one of those drain stoppers that the hair gets in, and sometimes I'll clean it, but a lot of times what I've done now is I just let, I'm like, I'm not going to say anything about the hair, but I'm also not going to clean that hair drain out. You're going to do it. You're going to. And she does it. She does? Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's nice. So, she forgets the hair on the wall, but she does clean out the hair. drain thing. That's love. So that's a good, nice trade-off. Oh, it's love. That's what that is. Is his love? Yeah, the hair wall thing. I don't know how it's getting stuck to your back, William. That sounds like

a wild shower and it must be a small shower and when she does it, there's not a lot of room so she sticks it up high or something. Maybe just ask her to put it somewhere else. Because you don't have to stick it to the wall. You can also, like, or stick it down and away. So it's not going to get stuck to you.

That seems like a fair compromise. Yeah, I always. I also, I also just, is it worth getting mad at and not just like taking it off of you and sticking it back on the wall? Or you're going to look at that part of the shower if you bring it up and you're single now and you're like, I wish there was hair. Yeah, exactly. I wish I had a hairy wall. Things that annoy you about each other. Oh, I wish I.

Kind of endearing. Even though you like, at the time, you're like, I wish you'd clean this fucking mess up. But then you go out there and my t-shirts aren't hanging on the TV. I'm sure she'd be really sad. She's like, oh, I can see the TV without removing a pair of pants and a t-shirt. He was so good to me. Yeah. That's the way I like to think about it.

All right, William. Man, I also feel so bad. There you go. Don't bring it up. Just deal with it. It's also not that hard to throw it away and just move on. That's what the best case in all these types of situations is, just deal with it and fucking move on. All right, let's hear some good news.

Come on now, Zaki Pooh! So you're telling me. neither's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! Have you guys ever fantasized about getting enough money or whatever it may be

a job that has gone sour? Will you earn enough money to maybe buy shares in it, or buy it from them? You're like, I'll fucking show you. I could be the CEO and then run it into the ground. And then you say, or yeah, buy it out that immediately burn it down.

You guys ever fantasized about that kind of shit? Yep. You have? Yeah. Okay. This is next level and also the reason why it is in the hooray, we're not doomed. Because this guy, this is fucking amazing. He did it.

No, but to a different degree. Yep. Former inmate buys North Carolina prison to help others who have served time. Okay? He did it. He did it. But he didn't do it with like, I'm going to buy it and then underfund it so that all the inmates can kill. all the security guards,

which I'm probably, you know, he probably felt that at one point. He's like, fuck you guys. You definitely changed the menu around. With the recent purchase

of the former Wayne Correctional Center in Goldsboro, Curwin Pitman, is lying claim to an unusual, unusual title. That doesn't help me

where it was located at all. It's the center of Goldsboro. His name is Curwin Pittman. Ah, yeah. Still doesn't help me. Yeah. He says,

he's the first formerly incarcerated person in the U.S. to purchase a prison. I fucking bet. He's like, I'm shocked. What? No. Just fucking hats off. To fucking up. And then getting your shit back on track to the point you could buy the prison back?

What if it was a bunch of drug money that he actually went to jail for? That's fine. That's fine. That's amazing. Even better. So Pittman, the founder and executive director of race a division is that sound right

race a division reeducation educational program services was sent to prison at age 18 served 11 years and six months six months for conspiracy to commit murder

okay so he's pissed January 26th will mark eight years since he was released and returned to the southeast Raleigh community in which he was weird probably North Carolina then

yeah I started a nonprofit when I came home and began advocating for individuals coming out of the incarceration system. But I also put in programming to try and help them reintegrate into society with a little more ease. His experience behind bars gave him insight into what other formerly incarcerated individuals needed after they left prison. I had family support also so I had housing, but a lot of my friends didn't have any place to go. or if they did, there was a time limit on how long they could stay there. Pittman's purchase of the abandoned 400-bed prison is an extension of the work he started soon after he left prison. His plans to create a re-entry housing and a workforce campus were formerly incarcerated people could attain job skills and industry certifications.

This is like the blueprint for what we wish our prison system would do. He's like, hey, you're like, this sucks, right? Like, yeah. And you get out of here and do something cool. He's like, oh, yeah, I promise. And he just took off and was like, fucking kick so much ass. He just bought it? Yeah, and it says here that...

That's so good. He envisioned residents studying the training become electricians, plumbers, HVAC technicians, construction workers. So they can earn, they can figure this all out. And then as soon as they're out, they go get a job. And not have to do it on, try to figure it out on the, outside. And, you know, just, maybe I'm biased. You might have a different opinion than I do, but there's going to be outliers, but a lot of these types of situations come down to, you know,

habitat. How you were, like, how you were raised, what you thought was okay to do, how you thought you were supposed to react in certain situations, and it lands you in a position that, you know, you had to go through and do some time. But I feel like with the right support, There are a lot of people that genuinely just, they didn't want to be there. They fucked up and they wanted to do good. Because I can base that into fuckups that you've done in your life, mistakes. And you can be like, oh yeah, that sucked. Don't do that again.

And you just hope that it doesn't involve the prison system for 11 years. Like at 18, I wasn't, I mean, I wasn't conspiring to murder anybody. But like, I could have gotten arrested for some shit doing dumb stuff. at 18. And I'm glad that I was able to just skirt that and continue on with my life. But a lot of people just doesn't work out that way. So it's

nice for someone to have the understanding of the inside. Do such a good job. They can go back and buy it. It fucking blows my mind. It seems, I mean, he must have been doing real well. Yeah. Prison can't be cheap to buy. Popping in there. Can I talk to Ward and Brian?

Right? 400 bedroom. How do you know them? I was here for 11 years. Yeah, I know those plays pretty well. He's like, oh, hi, hi! You're like, I would like to buy your prison? Okay, fuck me. You work for me now.

But that is just... Yeah, the warden works for you now when he used to be your warden. You keep your head on straight enough not to just fuck it all up. Anyway, I just thought that was a... That's very cool. Yeah, a nice little roadmap. I mean, that's like actual good. turning something into

Yeah Yeah It's a little path of success Water into wine Found something on the internet Just show with you guys Did you now? Yeah

Zuck The internet is pretty wild Depending on your browsing habits You can either experience Something super cool Or go to prison Crazy right Let's check it out

Together As a couple Hey Look what I found Yes That's awesome You guys work in like kind of a

coding multimedia world right yeah I mean I I mean I know for Brian and I also in our our other day jobs we live in like the marketing video audio coding

website kind of building stuff world you guys ever heard of mix stumble dot com no no I had heard about it but it has it had been a bit and this was just like there's by the way there's a ton of really cool fast track

I don't know Not cheat codes or life hacks I guess kind of if you want to put it in that category For you to check out at mickstumble.com But I just thought that this was so cool Have you guys ever gotten Annoyed When people come over and they ask for like your QR code

Like oh sorry sorry that was that was so dumb I just gave away my entire punchline Asking for your Wi-Fi Oh yeah Like someone shows up like hey what's your Wi-Fi And it's not that annoying but like they find it Then you tell them the password And there are some internet providers now that offer this same service, right?

But they're like, well, yeah, here you go, just share it. But you don't ever do anything with it. Like, you're like, okay, one second. And you have to go try and remember your login to Xfinity. You're like, never mind. Like, it never works. The code is A, B, capital T-78444 ZXT, capital B. Like, oh, I didn't get it right.

You capitalized E is supposed to be lowercase. I did that my first time. You can go to McStumble.com and there's a little search bar and you can type in QR code generator. So what this allows you to do is you type in your Wi-Fi information.

Zach, do not show my screen. Okay. Because I've already entered it in and you enter in, connect to your Wi-Fi, put in your password and then it'll automatically generate a Wi-Fi code

that you can then print out. Yeah, you put it on your board, like a little... Yeah, or just, yeah, whatever. Put on your phone. fridge and then that way people can just go scan it and get logged in without like the minimal amount that I have to talk to anybody ever even guests in my own home my mom nice brother fuck them friends if I don't have to talk to you even when you're over like that's a win for me

yeah yeah so whatever your wife I don't want you to be here let alone talk to you I'll let you use my internet just don't talk to me but you can create a Wi-Fi code that no matter what it is. Just go to there and type it in and find it. I guess that was so fun. I mean, you could do that with all sorts of stuff if you're selling a product or like a business card, anything. Just make a QR code for your business card or just, you never have to do anything. Nice. They just, they have to do all the work. You have to do a scan it. Do you wear a t-shirt. Oh, just this could be a fun t-shirt merch idea. It's just a QR code that we print on our shirt and people can, you'll send it right to the website.

Yeah, right to an episode. An episode, yeah. The most offensive episode. Yeah. Yeah. It was like dark comedy and it's like borderline humanity. It says two QR codes. Like, what are you into?

Yeah. I like that. Not a bad idea. But anyway, that's out there again. That is Mick Stumble, like McDonald's, but Mick Stumble. com. That is far from the only awesome little shortcut they have for different things you're trying to do in your life.

So that's available right there. I'm going to do some clicking around here. I bet you are. Word and character counter. Yeah. Texan cryptor decryptor. Yeah. A lot of coding stuff for websites and buttons and things that a lot of companies charge you to

basically go through like square. and you have to sign up for square in order to get that code, you can go there and be like, no, no, thank you. And it'll link right to your square account without having to use an additional service. I'll be damn. Yep, it's all right there.

Fake OS loading screens, fake text message generator. Yeah. Password generator. It's there. Have fun. Have fun, kids. Time zone converter.

Okay, well, that I don't travel enough for that. All right, let's hear from the kids. Zah! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All righty.

This first one is coming in from our maybe porn star son Andrew. Ah, yeah. I'm not sure. Hey, guys. Would you ever jerk off to porn of one of our listeners? Yeah. Yeah. Cool.

If I found them attractive and it would turn me on. If their dick was the right shape and the things they were doing or whatever. Oh, not just a dick. Just sex. Yeah. Yeah. If there's a girl involved and the guy's in it, sure. But not just some dude jerking off.

But he has to have like a healthy hog. Yeah. Like I... I don't want it to be too healthy. I can't... I can't just like watch some small dick fucking... Little Venice. I can't.

I just can't do it. Like, I want a fucking hog in it. I mean, a hog definitely makes it better. Yeah. Yeah. It's doing its job. Or whatever. I want to say you're getting split open.

Yeah. I don't want to like just like a little small dick. doing something. But it makes me think that, okay. Like, you don't have to have a giant penis to get in this industry. You could be a regular guy. Well, as soon as cell phones were, like, with cameras were invented.

Before that, you'd have a fucking girthy beast. Yeah. But now it's more realistic. It's like when you go into Target and you see the, the mannequins. They're not just like some tall 510 model. You got all sorts of ladies in there modeling stuff. Yeah.

I don't know that's a good thing. Back to you, buddy. It's hard to jerk off to a Target model. It's already hard enough to come into Target? Yeah. Now I don't even get, whatever. Yeah!

Hey guys. I hope you see that. Oh, yeah. So, hey guys, listen to this week's episode. I know you guys are currently away, so I hope you see it. Not quite. Not quite a way.

We're about to. I don't even know where we're at, though, when this one comes out. So when you get back, oops, when you get back, but Joe was talking about how he had had a doppelgamer, fuck you, doppel ganger image that made everyone think that he was in the hospital.

Oh yeah, I got to really maybe dive into that story soon. Thank you. I have a few occasions of this in my life. First was pretty inconsequential, but a traffic light, a guy in a truck next to mine started yelling across to me. When I rolled down the window and asked him,

what the hell he was talking about? he got very sheepish and said I looked exactly like a buddy of his I laughed and said Tell him I said he's good looking motherfucker If that's the case It's weird He catalyzed if so it threw me off

I said if he's a good looking motherfucker If that's the case Okay And then and the guide The guide drove away Embarrassed pretty harmless But I like to mess with people.

Okay. The second one, it's from an earlier, earlier in life. Without getting in too much detail when I was 16, I caught on fire. Oh, yeah!

And while I was recovering at my mom's house, I got a call from my dad. It followed very shortly by a picture of him with a guy who looked kind of like me. Probably not anymore, though. Well, apparently, he and my step-off

were at a family friend's house for a party, and they saw a guy that got, they thought looked exactly like me and my dad. Apparently it looked more like this kid than his dad. Did which... Did you do this? He recorded this with his voice,

didn't he? Probably. There was a period right in the middle of a sentence. Yep. Which caused a lot of awkward looks from the guy's dad between mine and the kid. My own dad couldn't pull me out of a lineup hooray for me. The most recent incident, and probably the funniest,

it was my wife calls me late at night while I'm away for work and I'm in a hotel asking and in a hotel asking if I've ever been in a porno before. Nice. I responded to her, no. No. I'm pretty sure I would remember if I did that. And she insisted, are you sure?

Okay. As if that's a detail I would have forgotten about. Then she sends me a link and is a guy that looks surprising like me. You fucking. But obviously a little more gifted in certain areas than I was. Fuck yeah. I called her back. laughed laughing

it's okay I call her back laugh laughing and said honey I'm pretty sure I'm not that gifted but I'm flattered you think so statistically speaking there are probably around 15 to 30 people in the world who looked just like you and apparently one of them

met my dad one of them fucks redheads on camera and I'm going to apologize now if this email is a little jarbled I'm driving and using talk to text which I was always which is always a nightmare but I'm not going to correct it because I'm that god damn it I'm not a quitter Love you or one of 12 sons

Andrew not the porn star rife Sent from my shirt from casting couch That was like going back to old Brian I can't do What happened? Where are the glasses? What do you mean what happened? What happened to you?

That was a disaster of punctuation Just maybe you should have went through and I'm not the best reader But that was atrocious And I'm glad he said that it was talking to text because that felt like it. Do you guys have any... Andrew, thanks, you fucked me up. No, I'm gonna...

I think I'll find a place to fit that in because the last time you brought that doppelganger story up, you guys have never seen the photo. I don't know how you haven't, but I want to blow your guys this fucking mind. Because it is comical. It is... Okay, okay, we'll fit it in. We'll fit it into an upcoming. Not right now.

Come on. We can't waste it. Get to the chop, I show the picture. Our second email is coming in from another member of the club. Mm, know what that means. You know which club.

It's not Club 16. Ah, yeah. Those are these. God. Hey, guys, and my favorite uncle. Same time. Join the club this past May. You know which club.

Face Pump. It happened, yeah, there you go. It happened really sudden, and my parents live near Las Vegas. Mm. Well, my wife and son and I live in West Seattle. I have spent

a stupid amount An unreal amount of time in West Seattle Like For probably about a year I thought maybe I lived there We made the road trip down to Vegas Which was tough with a two-year-old Fuck those days

By the time we got there We basically had to meet with the funeral director So we never got to say goodbye It's okay though My dad was very upbeat And always wanted us to celebrate his life rather than the mourned his death. He was hilarious and had a very dark sense of humor.

He had a lot of medical issues, like type 10 diabetes. So I'm just glad he isn't in pain anymore. For funzies, here are a few things my dad would always say. Here we go. Whenever a chick makes fun of your gut, tell her, don't worry, baby, it all turns to cock after dark. Dad, you can't just say that. You can't? Can you imagine if all of it turned into cock?

Everything he said eventually. Elephant Titus? He's like, don't worry. Just like, just this fucking 60 pound snail? All right, next quote. Never date a woman that can't take criticism. Sometimes women need to be told to get bent. Oh, yeah.

He wrote a quote. I'm sure his, your mom loved that. Old school way of, thinking. Well, she did. Enough for them to be born. Ah! Yeah! Never trust anyone from the government.

Fuck political parties. There you go. You can put a turn in a dress. Don't make it smell any better. That's just good advice, right there. This is what everyone needs. Last thing, never be afraid to fail

and love your fellow people. Love them. That's pretty good one. Yeah, there's a good one. Thanks, guys. My dad said a lot of crazy stuff, but that one actually. That one rounded out all the other fucking crazy shit. It doesn't need to go on the show unless it's needed, but just wanted to keep up with the stepdaddies. Gabe the Shade, Sanchez.

P.S. send me your PO Boxer address, and I'll send you guys some stickers for the podcast, hugs and tugs. We did send that over, so. But I mean, sorry about your loss, but it sounds like I think I responded to that email. And I just said, sounds like your dad. left a positive impact on life. And in the grand scheme of shit, that's what the goal is, right? His parents, just

do something positive. Because that'll carry on. Yeah, it's just, it's something that you Just don't hurt all of their life. Just something that you remember that even if it's not a big thing for the rest of the world, something that is just like, it's stuck in your brain

like, I remember when dad used to do that? Remember dad used to bend mom over? Whatever What? I mean, he's not hurting anybody Unless his mom I love you Gabe All right

Well let's get out of here Episode 191 Of Can You Don't Podcast Sending content You're closed man on 200 It's coming here Hey guys at can you don't podcast.com That's the email address

Sign up for Patreon Get the bonus episode There are six Cajillion hours of bonus content That if you don't support us You can never hear it It's there You got merch

counts. You got early release, ad free, all that. Rate and review us. Wherever you listen to your podcast, it does a big thing for us by boosting this up in the old algorithm. Check out what Uncle Zach's doing in the Scatcast world. Yeah. Sounds like he slept a little more than last week's recording.

Nah. I think you're doing a pretty good job. Okay, okay. So go check that out. Scatcast.com. And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. I have a joke for you guys. I really hope you didn't read ahead. Go! Fuck! Do it!

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I'm not even looking at it. Good. Don't. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. But my God, if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own accord. That's just a great joke.

That's a good one. That's great. Never heard that? I never heard it. I love it when you don't. You've never heard it. A little pun. I mean, things go, yeah, you know, give it to her on my RAM.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, the court's perfect. It's on my time. It's so good. Yeah. Hell yeah. Fucking give her the power wagon.

Yeah, the list goes on and on, but. That's the best one. That's so good. My God, if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own cord. All right, love you guys. Off to the bonus stuff. Bye!