Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Armrest. Jelly Bean. Propeller. Giant Shoe.

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

If you were sitting on a nearly million dollar insurance payout, would you venture out to your town's annual Christmas tree throwing contest in order to defend your title and risk getting publicly seen throwing a Goddamn Christmas tree? Let's talk about that, sucking spaghetti through a straw, one of the wildest renditions of a hotdog ever concocted, getting elbowed in the ribs by a kid on an airplane, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/bKXhwX6psm8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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oh yeah why are you stretching those arms no it's my back oh my back's still fucked i was hoping you're gonna do like a like an interpretive dance or something no you were you're making fun of me for laying down in the last show. That's because my back hurt, so I was trying to avoid that. To be honest, you made fun of yourself by laying down in the chair. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't have to do much.

Well, you called it out, though. Someone would have noticed. That was pretty impressive, though. It was just completely spoiled out. You were stilted out. You had hands in your pockets. You were just like, I don't even know how you... The microphone was just kind of there.

And you're like, yep, that sounds good. Good stuff, Joe. He's a professional. It looks good. The back, the point of the chair, I'm trying to dig into my sore spot. So that's what it was like. That's where it started. That's where it started and that's where it's ended.

You know what I mean? Fuck, I could just do the show. This feels way more comfortable than sitting straight up. Episode 90! Yeah. Of Can You Don't. That feels good.

10 away from... From a hundy. I realized I fucked up and said something last show that... I said the millennium. It's the millennium it's millennium because the millennium is a thousand yeah it is and someone's like anybody here brian say it was 100 years well whatever whatever dude you know how hard it is to think on the fly yeah that's the thing

you have the liberty of listening to it being like you dipshit yeah yeah and then i yeah because i do the same thing if i hear somebody doing it. Oh, that's not right. What an idiot. Like watch the Olympics. Some gymnast like falls off the thing. You're like, you fucking idiot. You suck. You suck, dude.

You can't balance. Yeah. You fucking idiot. And I'm just slamming potato chips in my mouth. Laying on the couch. Get the fuck out of here, dude. Sign up for Patreon. You'll find a link in the episode description.

Bonus content. Exclusive merch. All that kind of stuff. And speaking of exclusive merch. Bonus content, exclusive merch, all that kind of stuff. And speaking of exclusive merch, we do have exclusive merch. We also have regular merch. Let's start with the regular merch. Reg merch? The reg merch.

On the reg? But we have a new shirt. Zach, you want to bring that up for me? Zach! Okay, thank you. It just says, can you don't or whatever. Can you don't? It's very fitting for the show.

I wish I could zoom. I guess I could do that. There you go. There you go. Can you don't or whatever. Can you don't? Which is very fitting for the show. I wish I could zoom. I guess I could do that. There you go. Can you don't or whatever. With a nice little design. You got a couple different color options for it. For the exclusive merch, if you are part of Patreon, we have some stickies. We don't have any stickers. We decided to do it. We got

this hologram foil cover sticker and then one that's regular and a clear back and it just says Sexy Honk. And you can get some big ass ones. Look, and then one that's regular and a clear back, and it just says sexy honk. And you can get some big ass ones. Look, we got one up here. See, it might not look very big on camera. Oh, shit.

That's what she said. You can't even see what it says. Well, I guess I'll work on that. But it's huge, and it just says sexy honk. Because it's so shiny, it's hard to see what it says. I know. But great for cars, water bottles, all that kind of shit.

But all available right now. Head over to canyoudontpodcast.com and pick up your new merch item. You know what else we have? What? Which is a first as well. Oh, it's not showing up. Wait, maybe it is. Hold on one second. One second. I think it is. Okay, right here.

Because it fits for when you have people over but you don't really want to see them we have a doormat that has the can you don't or whatever and if it i mean people that are trying to solicit and swing by and sell you some some shampoo i think i might get one of those for our for our porch for all your carpet needs needs yeah and you're like just can you don't or whatever. For all the Jehovah's, the JW's that walk around. Jehovah's. I gotta fix this. I know, you're just like, listen, I already got tattoos.

I'm already going to hell. You just don't waste your time here at this household. And I support the gays, so I'm going to hell. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's exactly where you go. All content suggestions, including stuff for Petty Beef or something for Dick. If you've got some confessions, hey guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. Let's take a look at this cool little tattoo our silly daughter Deja got.

Look at this silly goose. Take a peek. Deja! Look at it! And I remember her writing a description. It's got a silly goose tattoo. And then also has some kitty buttholes to represent Scatcast. Yeah.

So those little twinkles around it are some kitty buttholes. It's hard to tell where is that. It's a big toe. That's what I thought. But it's kind of like the way that it's cropped. The world's smallest fingers. Yeah. Well, it could be close up.

Yeah. Or, yeah, and the knuckles are bent. I'm guessing that's a toe. I think so. I mean, look at the wear on the fat part of that toe. Yeah. It's right on the big toe. That is so cool.

I think that's a grand total of, I think it's four or five of tattoos that are inspired by the show. I think I might get a silly goose tattoo. Yeah, why not? You are a fucking silly ass goose over there. I was a silly goose way before this. Before it became a thing? Yeah. Yeah, you were just

always been a silly goose. You've been so silly. And wishing you were a goose. Just out there being silly. Oh, yeah. I wish I was a goose. Since before you were a man. Ah.

That was a Slipknot reference, kind of. Before I, oh man, before I forget, I was a goose before I could land, I. Something like that. Something like that. Are you ready to jump on over and just get the show rolling? Fuck yeah, dude. Get show 90 in motion. All right.

Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right. What do we got? What do we got? I don't know. What do we got?

What do we got? What do we got? What you got? What you got? Okay, Joe. This is a would you rather found on the internet. Okay. Internet stuff.

Internet stuff. God, I love the internet. It's not dirty it's nothing like that but it makes you it's like hmm hmm okay we i think we could make it dirty though yeah would you rather fucking put a dick on your face would you rather put your dick in my butt or my dick in your butt on your dick yeah on your dick. That's the same thing. Either way, I'm going to cum. Yeah, dude.

Would you rather be in jail for five years or be in a coma for a decade? Oh, this is about years of life that you're putting aside. So if you're in a coma, you know when you go to sleep at night and you fall asleep and then you wake up you're like i feel like no time passed

but you would lose 10 years of your life isn't it funny that no matter how well you sleep you always wake up and you're like ah fuck dude i'm a little tired yeah you'd wake up after a decade in a coma it's not like you'd be rested. You want to go back to sleep. You're like, it's not too much sleep. You're like, shit, what do I got planned today? It's like nothing. You got fired. So it works out because you've been in a coma for a decade.

I might just go back to sleep. Okay. What do I do about the kids? You're like, kids are in college. So don't have to worry about that. And you're like, shit, dude, I might take a little nap. A little nappy poo? Can you say it like that? Maybe a little couple Zs. Might catch a couple Z that. And you're like, shit, dude, I'm going to take a little nap. A little nappy poo? And you say it like that?

Maybe a little couple Zs. Why don't you catch a couple Zs? And it's your wife. And you're like, ah, fuck, you mind if I lay down? Just close my eyes for a second? You mind if I just close my eyes? I just want to close my eyes a little bit. Rest my eyes.

I just want to rest my eyes a little bit. Rest my eyes for a second. She goes, you've been sleeping for 10 years. It's been 10 years. It's been 84 years. You realize I put the kids in college and I did all this stuff. And kept you alive. Yeah.

I've been working my ass off. And you're like, it sounds exhausting. Yeah. Doesn't mean I'm not tired, too. You know what's exhausting is being in a car for 10 years. You know what's exhausting is the stress of being in a hospital for a decade. You know what I mean? I'm so tired.

Oh, my God. Dude. And so she would just divorce. She would just hand you the papers. Wake up, and the first thing you do is want to take a little nap, you poo. A little nap. Catch a couple Zs. That's what my grandpa used to say.

He's like, I'll catch a couple Zs. A couple Zs. You wake me up when I'm out of Zs. When the Zs are all dried up. When I'm done catching them. Where do you put the Z's when you catch them? I don't know. A little Z pocket?

A little Z net? A little fanny pack of Z's? Yeah. Just going out there catching them? A Z pack. That sounds like something that exists. Yeah, it does. Z pack is for like when you have strep throat or...

It's called a Z pack, isn't it? Yeah. It's a Z pack. They give you like some anti... What does the Z stand for? Zippy. Or puts you like some anti... What does the Z stand for? Zippy. Or puts you to sleep, maybe? Probably some little Zapanorafan.

Zippy pack. Oh, yeah. Something like that. That has to be what it is. Yeah, give it a little Z-Pack. So... And it says jail. I mean, if you're from a prison, let's call it prison.

Okay, let's up at the prison. It's like... Because jail could be a cakewalk. You're going to like San... Quentin? Is that a prison? Yeah, San Qu prison. It's like, because jail could be a cakewalk. You're going to like San Quentin. Is that a prison? Yeah, San Quentin. It is nice. Yeah.

I don't know my prison, so I'm glad. Walla Walla. Pull that one out. Not Walla Walla from here. No. Not our Walla Walla. A different Walla. Isn't Walla Walla in like Kansas or something?

Isn't it like a, that's like the big one, right? So nice they named it twice. I think we have a, I think the Walla Walla prison is Washington one. That's the one? No, sorry, Leavenworth. I meant Leavenworth, not Walla Walla prison is the Washington one. That's the one? No, sorry, Leavenworth. I meant Leavenworth, not Walla Walla. Leavenworth's the big prison somewhere else. So there's things there.

There's going to be an issue for you. Oh, yeah, it's not going to be a cakewalk. But it's only five years. Only? Oh, my God. Five years. Our Leavenworth is Oktoberfest, right? Yeah, it's Kansas. That's the one I was thinking of. It Our Leavenworth is Oktoberfest, right? Yeah.

Yeah, it's Kansas. A little different. That's what I was thinking. It's Leavenworth is in Kansas. Okay. That's what I was thinking. So, not great. Some sort of, I mean, I'm not sure if it's maximum security, but whatever the rating

system for prisons is, it's not going to be a good time. Well, you go and people, oh, remember when we were going like this? Remember that? Yeah, I do. Yeah, you're going to be a new fish. You're going to be a new fish in the sea. a good time well like you go and like people oh remember where they were going just remember that yeah i do yeah people yeah you're gonna be a new fish yeah fish in the sea walk in there god tell you what you'll fish a what you know fit a trout a good look at a butcher you know fit a trout my asshole you know what i mean when i'm done in prison i'm not a fighter just fucking have at it it It's only five years. Dude, I'm going to come.

Better than being in a coma for ten years. Have to wear what? This dress? But I'm still alive? All right. Have fun. Have fun back there. Would you want to be alive, though, if you're just getting pounded all the time? Federal pound me in the ass prison.

Is that in Oklahoma? That's the name of it? We got good news. we approve your transfer the bad news you're going to federal ass pounding in oklahoma you're like oh no fuck oh no oh no not that i would hate that it's gonna suck that's gonna be terrible cuff me yeah where's the boss yeah so prison is scary i'm i'm i mean i could fight i guess you could switch your brain off to be like a like a tough guy right for five years and hold up you don't think so no i couldn't be a you couldn't flip for a little bit nah oh because if. Because if I'm a tough guy, there's a tougher guy out there that's going to beat my ass. This is going back to last episode.

Yeah, you're going to die, dude. You are the worst dick sucker. Yeah, dude. I'm going to be the guy that's holding the guy's pocket. Yeah, but you're also going to get killed because you suck at sucking dick. If you're in prison, though, like... You better learn how to suck dick. No, no. If you're in prison, aren't you just going to get killed because you suck at sucking dick? If you're in prison, though, like... You better learn how to suck dick. No, no.

If you're in prison, like, aren't you just going to take a dick sucking? Are you really going to be like, dude, you're not very good at this? Dude, yeah. They have, like, what am I trying? Standards. They got standards. Do they? They have to.

Well, then I'm going to be the best dick sucker. The guy in the next stall can't suck a dick better than brian you've explained your dick sucking capabilities and it sounds like a nightmare is kansas on this side of the mississippi the best dick sucker this side of the mississippi yeah maybe no you're not they do they i see teeth i feel like teeth guy is him he's teeth guy he's no he's he's just the tip. And he's hoping that you just forget that he's using his hand the whole time and not really putting his heart into it. You're going to die. You're going to die.

But that is a real thing. So going into a coma, no one's going to wake up in a decade, right? Like, at least you're alive. You're going to have some astrophy. Like, you're just going to fucking be no muscles. Atrophy? Yeah. Isn't that what I said?

You said astrophy. You're going to get astrophy from prison, I think. So, you're going to get gonorrhea, and your muscles aren't going to work. But, so, I mean, coma, at least you know you're going to wake up. Well, your asshole will bounce back, though, like you said. We've learned that, yeah. Yeah. That's going to come back to you.

And, I mean, pretty quick, how do you get out of prison? Like, your assholes will be like, I remember what to do. Pucker right back up. I know my job. And just hold your shit in. Yeah. But for five years, no. Your asshole's job is accepting penises.

I think for the sake of making this a difficult decision, we should change it. Not necessarily a decade, but it's like let's say maybe you have little kids. Like you have a couple babies. And when you wake up, they're grown. You're missing 10 years of life. You're missing all the good stuff. If I get to pick a decade and miss

maybe the teenage years where there are a bunch of assholes and I pop back in, I get sympathy points once I wake up. So you got them as little kids. You raised them. You gave them the right morals and some sort of compass. You weren't there during some pretty critical years. But you hope they make it through. Well, maybe your kid's in prison now.

Now, on the back end, you just show up and you're like, Shit, man, you already know how to play baseball? That's all you have you're like all right i'm up i got my legs working again let's go play baseball he goes i'm already got a full ride done yeah you're like going to oregon state yeah you're like shit well guess i'm gonna go take a little nappy poo. Get some Z's, I guess. You go catch a fly ball, catch a couple Z's. We'll try this again in 10 years. I love how that's your response to everything. It's like, well, I got to go to school.

All right, well, I guess I'll go catch a couple Z's. Catch a couple Z's. I'll pick you up. Pick you up after a pock on a couple Z's. Because you could really die in prison. That's a real thing. But the experience of that, you come out and you'll be a different person. You just skip all of it.

Not sure for the better, though. It depends on the mentality. How many people get out of prison and then stay out and don't go back in? I think more than go back in. You think so? I think so. I don't know the statistics again like we talked about out. And don't go back in. I think more than go back in. You think so? I think so. I don't know the statistics again like we talked about last. I don't know exactly.

Maybe we need Zach to. Recidivism is really pretty high, I think, for people to go to prison. But there's got to be a good. But that was also they were bad. I mean, things were not going well on the way in. Yeah. I think I should clarify. I have no fucking idea.

How about that? Okay, that's good. But if you went in for something that was like like tax fraud right not doing that again you're coming out you're not robbing banks now yeah and you're not killing people and raping people now yeah so you're gonna go in though just to survive you never know dude prison's fucking hard yeah but prison's prison man like rape scrape a little kill a little whatever you get out in five years no matter what you do, apparently. You don't get extended time for raping and killing in prison?

No, you just get through your five years. Get through your five. Well, you're not doing the raping. You're the one. Let's be honest. If you're going into prison and if you're like. There's no way I'm the smallest guy in prison. I can get a couple of rapes in. So here, I want the smallest guy in prison. I can get a couple rapes in.

So here, I want you to think about this. You think I couldn't kill a couple people? So, yeah, you could. So here's the thing. You, the way you are now, let's say you go into prison. Are you just going to start killing people? I don't want to. But if I have to to survive.

He would sneak in a knife probably right i'd get caught obviously uh yeah you're not good at sneaking anything uh but like so i get caught trying to sneak lube in in a cake if i'm gonna get fucked it's gonna be at least it's a full bottle of lube life in my asshole and they catch me they're like sir what's this i'm like ah yeah you caught me now i got a raw dog it what's this? And I'm like, ah! Yeah, you caught me. Now I gotta raw dog it. What's this behind the lube life? Ah, you got me.

It's a switchblade. Wait a second. He's like, pulled it out. Wait, there's something else back here. Or inside the lube life container is a switchblade. There's a switchblade inside the lube life. God, you guys are really tightening things up around here. No, sir.

There's literally a 40 ounce jar of lube life with a switchblade in it it would be hard to miss yeah okay that's i i'm trying to visualize do me a solid yeah that's a good pun do me a solid let me bring this in it's gonna be a terrible five years i just want the first couple months let me get through this just through this Let me just loosen things up I love the idea of that visual Of a bottle of lube with a switchblade in it though Yeah Trying to conceal

Trying to conceal a switchblade But doing it in a bottle of lube Is so funny to me And it being up your ass Which is where the lube's going anyway I mean just because of the practical jokester i am yeah that would be funny hiding lube in your butt knowing they're gonna find it is really funny he's like and everyone had a good laugh and then you went and he's got the fucking ass kicked yeah but at least you got everyone to laugh one last time

and they'll talk about it forever maybe some podcast maybe a new story will be written about it you get to make everyone laugh one last time before you go in and just get fucking railed that would but if you got to come out and like start a podcast like that's the whole like what my five years was like in there um i don't think i would and we know. Oh, you're fucking hard. I wouldn't do well. I mean, I am. What about you, Zach? You think you'd do well in prison? If I could be in solitary confinement,

I'd prefer that. No, that sounds... I'm an only child. I live in solitary confinement, so I'm good with that. No, we're not in solitary. You're in federal ass-pound in you're gonna have to federal ass pound before it's the chart or to join a gang you're gonna have to do the whole thing and you're

a big dude people are gonna walk in there and be like oh this fucking guy we gotta knock him down a couple i can't wait to fuck that ass i'm gonna fight that i'm gonna fight that pretty good i'd rather have a coma i think i'd rather do the 10-year coma thing. 10 years is a long time. I still think maybe it should be like 15. Because I'm like, you lose a huge chunk of your life, but you don't even know it. But you wake up and you know it. But you're alive. And you'll meet people. I mean, who knows?

I'm taking five years in jail. Prison. Whatever. I'm taking that. 10 years is just... Like, you get out that's five years is a long time to experience life and you're still experiencing life in prison not great i don't know if i want to experience that but you're going to learn a lot about yourself and what you can do

but just sleeping for five years i see i don't you wake up and you're like a crazy dream you wake up sad and your wife's like hi oh my god he's awake and you're like i had a bad dream about you yeah because if you're gonna believe this remember tom from work yeah you guys you guys were having an affair dude tom died seven years ago cancer just some weird ass dream she's like what are you doing that's a funny thing to think about like if you're so if you sleep like last night let's say you slept for eight hours sometimes if you're like if you're yeah if you're uh if you if you go to sleep wake up wait sometimes you have two different dreams three different dreams sometimes just one dream uh but if you're in a

coma for 10 years like are you having multiple dreams 10 years worth of dreams because you're not waking up board yeah you're not waking up to like start a new dream so is it just one fucking dream you're gonna come up for 10 years from the next five in your diary right now the dreams you have just like that'd be crazy nah i bet you it doesn't work that way but that'd be cool if it did i mean mean, I forget dreams the second I wake up. Your brain's got to just be. Sometimes I remember, I'm like, whoa. Dude.

That was crazy. And just a quick pause to talk about how weird comas are. Can we just. It is. Like waking up from a coma is so weird. What a weird thing that can actually happen. Yeah. It's fucking.

That just is. It's like time traveling. It's just. I mean mean it just doesn't make any sense no you go to sleep at 20 and you wake up at 30 that is fucked and everything like you think about now how much has changed in social media and internet all that stuff let's say that you missed out on that 10 year like imagine i always think about like like think about like kurt cobain i was thinking like artists who were young in the 90s, and thinking about, like, if Kurt

Cobain was in a coma, he tried to blow his head off, didn't work, he's in coma, and then he, like, miraculously wakes up now. Like, what's he thinking? Gotta release a new album. That's what I was gonna say. We're not charting? Never mind, too. You see Dave Grohl?

You see the fame that Dave Grohl has in Foo Fighters and all that? He gets mad at Dave Grohl. He's like, you started another band without me? Yeah. It's like you cheated on me. You started dating somebody else? You've been sleeping for 20 years! Dude, you ate a shotgun.

You ate a shotgun. I have no idea how you're here you shouldn't be here right now all right so what's your pick i'm picking jail just because i'm alive and i get to experience life rather than be in a coma and just laying in a hospital bed which also sounds expensive i i really think it depends on uh what your perspective of the world because if i think about like that happened now and I missed 10 years of my kids' life, like how horrible that would be. Even with five missing five years, but like if they could come visit you and you'd still see him. But if you just missed out on 10 years of their life.

Yeah. Even though I hate the idea of going to prison. You love the idea of second day. Or like the idea of at least trying to get good at it. Practice makes perfect. Yeah. It's good to have purpose in life. I think I could get good at it.

You know what the number one rule in prison is? Bigger the ponytail, bigger the problem. That's right. We've learned that one. Yes, we have. All right, so prison, prison. What are you doing, Zach? You guys are kind of talked me into prison prison yeah all right let's go to prison i do my best to get into solitary confinement though i'd probably shank one of you wait sorry i'm going to walla walla baby yeah uh okay let's just do some prison stuff

that's not good all right let's move on to what are you thinking about? Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? This just happened today. Today.

Today. Today is going to be the day. Gonna get back to you. I was flying home from beautiful Seattle, Washington. Got in just before I recorded. Also, by the way, happy we're recording this on Leap Day. Who knows if we'll ever do that again? Yeah, today's Leap Day.

Happy 29th was my dad's birthday yesterday. He's dead. Remember that? Yeah. So how old was he?'s birthday yesterday. He's dead. Remember that? Yeah. So how old was he? Because he would have been 70. No, no, no. It was because of Leap.

No, no. How does that work? Yes. Okay, sorry. So how does it, like, if you're born on February 29th. Well, then they get to joke about being, I'm fucking eight years old. Yeah, eight years old. Yeah. That's just their.

Are you a minor then? That's their whole thing. So you could go out and just rape people and be like, oh, dude, sorry. I don't know. I'm only eight. No, it's not. Something like 60-year-old guy. God, just...

Anyway, so flying home from Seattle today. Beautiful. Beautiful. And then flying home, I just kind of was thinking about this, and I didn't know what to do. I had the best intentions, but I also just, I was like, this is kind of weird. Like, what do I do? So I get my seat, and I sit down, and I have the window seat, and I'm sitting next to this kid who's like a teenager. I mean, he could have been like a giant fucking 11-year-old.

He just had that type of look to him. Just a big ass kid um if i had to guess just based off of size i would say he's probably 14 15 right didn't meet in the middle yeah yeah sure and um so i had to guess he was 46 years old because he was born on a leap year yeah and uh he had an ip he had his ipad out and he's playing minecraft so i got the window seats you have to do that first awkward like you're walking down and then you see the seat and he's playing minecraft so i got the window seats you have to do that first awkward like you're walking down and then you see the seat and there's already two people sitting there and i go that's me oh my god it's me over here and they're like this is me shuffle out of the way and i get in

and then they sit back down and this was like before we even took off and i'm you know the kids sit next to me his ipad out and and i'm just kind of sitting there and my back hurts a little bit and i'm not really sure like what's going on i'm like why am i leaning to the right and then i realized this fucking kid with his ipad has his elbows out and he's resting him and they're probably they're four or five inches over the armrest into my seat yeah he's in your space he's in my space he's not we're not splitting the armrest it's not just elbows touching on the armrest like he is fully expanded and his arm is just into my he doesn't know you're there yeah exactly in his world no

not there no he is in minecraft him and steve and whatever the fuck they're called in minecraft world the zombie thing dude he's he's in the Ender right now. Yeah. Or the... Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the Nether. The Nether. He's fighting off Ender dragons and shit.

So he's in Minecraft world. His elbow is just sticking into my side. I'm on my phone, and I'm sitting there. And he's not just, like, pushing some buttons. Like, he's rotating his iPadad and he's tapping buttons up and down so his elbow is wiggling into my rib cage like i can feel it digging in not not bad but it's just enough like i mean he's so far over so my arm is up like this and i'm holding my phone leaning against the window and his elbow is just rubbing into my ribs right but i'm like being a dad and also not being like some asshole yeah

i'm just like oh man like how am i gonna deal with this then it got me thinking about i would i kill a kid no it got me thinking about like do i say something to this kid right do i real quick was he with anybody or was it just him Flying by himself Flying by himself Okay So he's old enough to do that So I guess that resets things So he has to be 13 or older

To fly by himself But he has like A Batman backpack And the guy next to him Was catching some Z's He was catching Z's Before I asked him to get up Is that a little nappy poo

Yeah Before I asked him to get up But he was The people that sleep Before the plane takes off? He was sick. Dude, fucking relax. We don't know what he was doing.

He could have had a great night before, and he's like, I'll just catch some Z's when I sit down. But he was Z's. This guy was Minecraft, and I'm in the window. And I was thinking, I was like, do I talk to him? Because that's how kids learn, right? Yeah. Like, he's doing fully, he's got a whole landscape of gaming set out with elbows.

And the guy sleeping has his arms crossed. And he's laying back. So the elbow on the left side, like that's free range. Like he's not poking anybody's ribs. But you got me sitting. And I'm not. I got my arms crossed. I want to put my fucking arms down and use my phone.

So he's just stabbing me. And I thought, do I tell him? Because everybody moving forward benefits when they have to sit next to this fucking kid. Because if I say something like, hey, you know, your elbow is, your elbow is four feet past where it's supposed to be. Just go ahead and dial that thing back and keep it out of my ribcage. That be great and just be like oh because he wasn't like he didn't look he was mean and he would understand like oh sorry he would move it back and i just had to sit there and my arm was up you know as i was thinking about this i was like no i'm just gonna put my arm down so i just laid my arm down in normal position and i'm just resting my arm on top of this kid's arm and

it's bouncing around because he won't stop moving his fucking game when's he gonna notice and i was like say something i was like just tell i was like hey you gotta fucking get your elbow out of here dude but i just laid there and it was just light pressure as i used my phone and i was actually texting cassie about it i was like this fucking kid and I like tilted the phone up and I want, I was trying to get a picture, but I couldn't do it. But like, it was so far over.

You should have just been like, like leaned over and take a picture and like, what are you doing? Oh, I'm sending this to my girlfriend. Say how fucking. Or I FaceTime her. I'm like,

this kid's fucking elbow is in my arm, dude. Check this out. And he's just like, what? But I, so I, I, I, I just opted for laying my arm on check this out and he's just like what but so i i i just opted for laying my arm on top of his arm and then i just started pushing a little harder on his arm i just kept on like leaning back a little farther and farther until i was like squishing his arm

into my rib cage like just to fuck up his gaming and eventually he was like oh yeah now you're the asshole yeah and he moved it away he moved it out and the second he did i was like i set up steak uh yeah i was like okay i'm taking what you would normally take on an armrest and i was like bye okay elbows are in and i just couldn't move them the rest of the time i don't want to risk him like you know playing the game of risk and retaking the arm so i guess like locked him in and used my phone the whole time but that did get me thinking about like talking to children about things you know are wrong but they're not your kids where is that line like what do you do like if you see some kid do some fucked up shit and it's just such a risky game because parents fucking suck not my baby yeah

they're like who's who are you to tell my it's like your kid was throwing rocks at this other kid off a bridge yeah so fuck your kid yeah your kid doesn't get to do that and it goes back to that old saying of like it takes a village to raise a kid like that's i mean that is true or it should be more true like not just your perspective but don't be a fucking clown in this situation it wasn't life or death it wasn't throwing rocks but like he was just digging his elbows into my rib cage while playing minecraft and there's no way kids are so stupid he had no idea no idea he was doing he just rub rubbing his elbows into a stranger's rib cage and you know

you're just like i don't know i gotta mine some more gold i mean that's all he was thinking about i i definitely love when parents um are they're they're open to you educating their kids like what being uh coaching my my son's baseball team i definitely appreciate the parents that are just like at practice he's yours you know if you need to put him in line or whatever right it's like and if you don't feel as bad saying something to like all right knock that off or whatever your dad said yeah your dad said i can call you a piece of shit yeah right i could do whatever i want so it's very helpful yeah yeah and there's some parents that are just like they're like that they're like whatever you gotta do man like whatever yeah and then there are some parents

that are just like that is my boy i don't want him you talking to him like that and it's like well then you say something because play sports because that's how coaches work. When your kid's acting up and I'm having to keep saying something, just chime in and say, listen to coach or whatever. I would hope that the parents on an airplane would do that. Like, Kate, maybe dial it back a little bit because you see that. That's how I am though. I observe things and my brain ran through the whole history i was like maybe it's his first time flying maybe he's just growing he doesn't really know how big his wingspan is when he's playing a fucking ipad and i ran through all of that just being a dad yeah but i again like i didn't know

where the line was luckily it's a short flight because that would. Oh, I would. I think that played into it too. I was like, dude, if I was flying. I'll have to put up with this for 20 more minutes. I was like flying to fucking Austin or something right now. I definitely would have been like, hey, dude, you got to move your elbow. Your elbow is way over. It's in.

It's you are. You are $65 into my space. Yeah. Like you got to. It depends too, though. If it's you versus like your family or something like if you're if that kid's doing that and he's let's say he's bothering pepper or something like that you're probably more likely to be like not gonna have or like

pepper tone you know like i got your back tell him you know like you you can i can put up with a lot more than i can put up when it's happening to my family that makes sense no absolutely because i know that feeling and just like just let this kid have it and so he it's gonna happen again and that was my ultimate thing i was like just do like a little aggressive action i wasn't like sticking my elbow into him i was like dude this is you got to give me the armrest back bud uh but i guess, I guess, will tell him to just keep your fucking elbows in. It wasn't, yeah, it wasn't life-threatening. Like, if he was to be in a complete fucking asshole, like, I would have probably said something, I guess.

And be like, dude, what are you, like, you can't, like, what are you doing? Some people just don't. They don't realize they're doing that. And he didn't. All it takes is like, dude, hey, can you just a little bit? And they're like, oh, shit, I'm sorry. I'm sure that's what it would have been, but he would have remembered it probably forever.

Yeah. So I guess someone else. Maybe you should have, though. With some actual balls is going to tell that kid to keep your elbows in. You know, the route that I usually i usually not usually that maybe i would take would be like hey i just want to just want to let you know i'm calling the cops yeah we're gonna the plane's gonna turn around he's like oh my god why because your fucking elbow is halfway into my seat he's like what i was like take your elbow out here or they're gonna turn the plane

around the sky marshal has been notified also santa's not real he's like, what? I was like, take your elbow out of here or they're going to turn the plane around. The sky marshal has been notified. Also, Santa's not real. He's like, what are you doing right now? Now you're the asshole. Everyone's like, get this guy off the plane. No, but it's like you, you're like, hey, I just want you to know, like, it's, you know, I can handle it. I have little kids. I get it.

But you might, next time you might sit next to someone who gets really upset and you know just like for whatever i'm like i want him to knock it off but i'm trying to use it as like uh i don't mind yeah listen i don't mind that you're digging your elbow it's not bothering me but the next guy might slit your throat with a switchblade right yeah maybe he may the next guy gets his switchblade he sneaks it on maybe the next guy just covers you in lube. And he's like, what? Like, I don't know how he got it in here, but maybe, what if he got lucky? Like, maybe it was in his butt or something.

Maybe he got both things on here. He got a bottle of lube and a switchblade. And if you're rubbing your elbow into his ribcage, he might kill you and fuck your throat. Yeah. And he's like, what? You're like, what? And then he just goes, pop your l pop your loop covered switch blade out and it's just dripping it just squirts into the into the ceiling move your elbow she's like jesus

guy moral of the story is move your fucking elbow fucking elbow minecraft's not that cool we yeah we uh minecraft was cool 20 years ago put your fucking ipad away you're starting to get into that once you get in that range you're you're getting like all right you need to be a little bit more self-aware so maybe educating him would have been a good idea in a nice way yeah and if he doesn't do it then you can be a dick but yeah and eventually you'll just learn you don't want to just like dig your elbow into random strangers every time i get i don't like that touch like you just but you play this game where it's like you have like the corner of your elbow into random strangers every time i get on that touch like you just but you play this game where it's like you have like the corner of your elbow you get touching so you're not and

then and then some people are just like they just keep it off because they that's just the way they are so you get to kind of use it but i would i can't even imagine like the lady i don't even know if i told the story the lady that hurt her ankle and it was basically laying on my shoulder with her foot up on her husband's lap. Yeah. I was, what is going on here? You can't just do this. She's, she was turned. I'm sitting this way.

She was turned this way, leaning over onto my shoulder. I'm hurt. And icing her ankle. Did you know they were swingers? All right. They were testing you yeah they're just like you like you know an upside down pineapple means and you're like no get your fucking get off me i wouldn't have partaken with this couple i bet all right let's move on to some dick let's take a look at it. Let's really ingest this thing. Hey, fucking Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting?

Is it cool? Then it's dick. Alright, bright guy, do you want to take the first one or the second one today? I'll do the first one. Do it. I'm just grabbing some water. I'm grabbing some water out of my water bar did you see the new Willy Wonka movie

no Ezra did so I didn't see the one with Johnny Depp just so we're clear I hate Johnny Depp yeah he fucking sucks I'm more of a

Richard Grieco the Gene Wilder one is one of my favorite movies of all time and it just always will be Yeah, he fucking sucks. I'm more of a Richard Grieco kind of guy. No, the Gene Wilder one is one of my favorite movies of all time. And it just always will be. Nothing will come close to that as far as Willy Wonka. I'm going to die on that hill. But I did see the new one because we took the kids to it. Yeah.

It was interesting. It wasn't Wonka. It wasn't. He was too happy. It's probably kind of like the same thoughts I had on the one with Johnny Depp. It's just like, just find more actors. Why are we doing CG? Why are we doing CGI on everything?

Yeah. No, it's more about Willy Wonka in the old movie. He's like, am I going to live? Am I going to die at this place? And this other one, she was too happy anyway doesn't matter for this but it's um willy wonka is prevalent in society yes still yeah and um some people want to experience what that might be like to be in like willy wonka's factory yeah i have fantasies of going out there and willy wonka's factory yeah i have fantasies of

going out there and willy wonka's fantasy as a kid or fantasy is his factory as a kid yeah so good and people still have that and so they like to places like to put that out there for you to come experience what that might be like what a weird sentence for me to mess up dude i'd love to experience willy wonka's fantasy it's's my factory to be in a fantasy of... Just fucking getting eaten out by Willy Wonka. And he's like, snozzberries taste like snozzberries. He's walking over to the bed,

does the fucking fake little hobble cartwheel thing. And he starts licking your puss. He's like,uss and he's like oh and then he just like stands up and does like the ta-da and he starts eating you out

and then zips your pants tastes like snozzberries god okay alright go well that might be a better experience

than what these people got okay alright so inside the disaster-y bad Glasgow Willy Wonka experience that had kids in tears. Okay.

That's what we're talking about. Glasgow. Sold as a celebration of chocolate in all its forms. Things soon turned nightmarish. Okay. All right. Glasgow-based event has gone viral after it was sold as an immersive Willy Wonka experience

ended in disaster. Crying children and police called to investigate what went down. Willy's chocolate experience. That sounds like a way to get around any sort of copyright infringement. Right. Willy's chocolate experience. He spells Willy's like all weird. Willy's chocolata experience. Willie's Chocolata Experioso.

Extraordinaire. Willie's Chocolate Not-A-Factory Experience. You're like, I'll pay for this. Will he get chocolate or not? All right. Willie saw parents paying hundreds to give their children what was promised to be a celebration of chocolate in all its forms. Is this a porn? Instead they got haggis.

But ended up being canceled halfway through as kids were in tears and the general shit show of it seeing the experience go viral across social media. Oh my God, this is so funny. Willie's Chocolate Experience was organized by House of Illuminati and they promised a land full of huge mushrooms and candy inspired by the Timothee Chalamet film released in 2023. But instead, families paid £35 a ticket and showed up in the industrial area of Glasgow

to a shoddily decorated warehouse and disaster quickly reached fever pitch. An actor involved, Paul Connell, said, my heart sank looking around. Just felt sad because I was aware of how many kids were going to be coming through. We were told to hand the kids a couple of jelly beans

and a quarter cup of lemonade at the end. Thanks for coming. Some jelly beans. Thank you so much oh my god holy shit this tweet they've sent out it said the dude cast to play willie wonka in the glasgow clusterfuck has spoken out on tiktok script was quote 15 pages of ai generated gibberish first red flag was them casting me as Wonka.

Do you want to play it? It says children were given one jelly bean and a quarter cup of Tesco's own branded lemonade. Look at this guy. Looks nothing like Willy Wonka. It looks like some, yeah, it looks like me.

Like some ginger beard guy. If, if that jelly bean was like an everlasting gobstarper, then that'd be okay. But one jelly bean? Holy shit. This picture. Zach, bring up my computer.

For the ones that are just listening, it looks like it's trying to put together some sort of scientific machine. For the ones that are just listening, it looks like it's trying to put together some sort of scientific machine. She doesn't want to be there. She looks like she's just got off a bender. A clip could catch somebody in a bad moment, but I'm telling you right now, this whole situation is a bad moment. Yeah. Like, you're

just grabbing you're like huh you go to amazon you're like test tube test tube setup but even even that though do you have the picture pulled up with the zoomed out where you see like the with the whole area no no no no that's that's all we get the people said we have to vote this for image of the year no there was i where is i saw i don't know but there's so many yeah here the reality it looks like it looks like if somebody sorry if somebody decorated their own house for like a haunted house yeah and then like this would be acceptable it's just fabric like tablecloth backgrounds of stripes and weird looking shit and they were just like this is gonna be great and then the cries of children and did you so there's this part in the story about this guy that was wearing a

silver mask and holding up a mirror and like yelling at kids and he has nothing to do with willy wonka nothing to do with it and he just was scaring people as they walked in it's like it's like that sounds like a uh uh oh wait fuck like a haunted house yeah haunted house so like the house of illuminati the the main guy for that like he apologized profusely for this like how big of a shit show this thing was right and then in an interview he oh my god like what are you perfect what the fuck dude like look at the mirror like leaning on the side mirrors leaning up like this is gonna be great this will make your money worth it and he apologized for it he said

something he's like the holographic paper didn't show up in time and it's like dude it wasn't the shiny paper it wasn't the shiny paper that ruined your event it was all of it that ruined the event here let me play this really quick okay what is that it's the end oh yeah it's a scary guy what is that it's the end it's the end uh what look at that that's the guy that's playing willie walker right yeah i'm sure what is that it's the ender it looks like a dude in a scream mask kind of like it's like a scary ass halloween mask he's he's coming out from behind a standing mirror dude from ghost i would have been laughing i mean i would have been asking for a refund but i also would have been laughing so hard if i was at that event just walking into me

i'm like what the fuck where am i because you had this expectation right it's like it's gonna be this magical fantasy wonderland yeah and it's like showing up to a prom where the prom committee was your best friends yeah and you're like this is not a prom where the prom committee was your best friends yeah and you're like this is not going to be well this is not going to do well it's like you're just proud they put something on pvc pipe and hung it yeah and you're like you guys did a really good job you're like throw back to the 80s and the it's like in the entranceway is like they have one thing that looks like a bowling alley like staple to the wall and you guys you guys killed it like that's what this looks like here's the thing if it's for adults

or something sure but kids have different expectations like i think the other way around if it was just kids walking through there they'd probably be like this is fucking pretty cool but kids walk in and they're i mean and parents go there with the kids like we were promised for like what 35 what's a 45 bucks ish american dollars like we were promised an experience to make memories with our kids and you walk into that and you're just like what there will be Like, it's so bad the police got called. You know how bad your event has to be where there's not a fight? And then to get canceled, too. Yeah, and have to refund everybody. Like, they refund 850 people.

It's the one jelly bean I think they must have done. That was it. Like, on the back end of this, if we get a handful of jelly beans, I won't ask for a refund. Like, you're expected to get candy right like f if anything let's say i'm expecting a lot if i'm going to willie wong willie's chocolate experience right let's say even the designs and all that kind of stuff sucks but if you leave with like a giant pail of candy if you're a kid you're probably like okay that's okay but you get they you walk out of the say thanks for coming and hand you a jelly bean and some lemonade.

It's in the name. Not even chocolate, yeah. Yeah, chocolate factory and you get a jelly bean. Might as well give him an apple. Fucking Willie's Apple Factory. Willie's Apple Orchard. Like, what? It looks like shit.

It's hard to explain how terrible this thing is. So if you are interested, just look up Willie Wonka. Just Google it. Look up Willie Wonka clusterfuck. I'm sure it's going to show up on all your favorite fucking streaming platforms. All right, let's move on to our next dick. This is so funny to me. So this mom loses $820,000 entry claim after she was pictured tossing a Christmas tree.

I saw this yesterday. That's so great. Oh, my God. That's so much money to lose. But you're not going to miss your fucking small town's annual Christmas tree toss. Small town, man. You have to defend your fucking title. Yeah. And you're like, I'll risk it all. Small downs man You have to defend your fucking title Yeah

And you're like I'll risk it all They were coming for it So I mean just in typical news fashion Her case was felled By a Christmas tree throwing competition Ew A court in Ireland dismissed

A mother's $82,000 insurance claim $820,000 Is that what I say? $82,000 That's big Yeah sorry $820,000. Is that what I say? $82,000. That's big. Yeah, sorry. $820,000. I think I got it right the first time.

That's cool. Yeah. So Camilla Grabska, 36, had claimed that a car accident back in 2017 left her with debilitating pain, leaving her unable to lift heavy things. Bags. Heavy bags and keeping her in bed on bad days according to disclosures made in Ireland's high court

and reported by the Irish Independent Newspaper. So the constant pain in her back, neck and thoracic spine left her unable to lift groceries, do chores

or play with her two children. She sued RSA Insurance on the basis that she could not work for over five years claiming past and future loss of earnings that amounted to around 542 000 that was her total claim her case came back uh her her case came unstuck when a photo published the newspaper almost a year after accident showed grapska winning a christmas tree throwing contest i wish i hadn't done that wasn't just participating she was fucking winning yeah

you were throwing maybe she was she saved all what she had for that day yeah she was like listen but look at the picture dude yeah she's heaving that thing. That's like a javelin toss. No back pain here. Look at her pants say, I just can't. I just can't. Just don't. Just don't take this fucking photo.

She should have didn't. She should have walked around and just been like, don't care. Listen, I'm going to win this thing, but don't take a picture right i don't want people to know how i'm doing it there can't be any proof that i won this can't be any proof that i won this but how funny is that to be drug out of a giant insurance claim eight hundred and twenty thousand dollars i want to picture them in like a courtroom and this case is going and then we'd like

Judge Johnson, whatever, I'd like to introduce some evidence to the court. And then, however, you know, it's like... Projector? Yeah, he pops up and... Just a picture of her throwing a Christmas tree. Is this you?

Is this you? Is this you? Yeah, that's me fucking winning for the fifth year in a row. 300 bucks. Oh, my God. Or they're like, Camila, we'd like to call Mrs. Grabscott to the stand. She's like, she stands up, holding her back. She gets in a wheelchair, and they wheel her up to the stand. And she takes like 20 minutes. Getting the sympathy from the jury. She just sits down. Is this you?

Winning the Highland Games. Notice the time stamp. Notice the time stamp. This was yesterday? Yeah, I threw my back out throwing that Christmas tree. She sues the christmas tree throwing competition for 12 dollars she's gonna get something out of this it's either 820 000 or 12 bucks but she's gonna get something but insurance companies am i right yeah just what do you i mean it's someone's job to get scout for this type of shit yeah like you can't get away with nothing she's like how much press is the christmas tree contest gonna get there's no way the fucking irish the rsa insurance is gonna watch me eye in the christmas tree throne competition

we go back and defend my title oh my god that's just so fucked up i mean imagine i mean we could do a whole thing just on scamming oh yeah all that people trying to get away with shit oh yeah like what frivolous lawsuits yeah i love that it's my favorite to fucking read what a country you know what i mean um all right let's take off to petty beef because we got something to get into you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final-ish This is Petty Beef Alright, let's get into it Y'all ready for this?

I'm ready for this Alright So many layups for that song Oh dude, jock jams And you were doing the most aggressive layups Dude, my mom was a cheer coach so she got all those Jock jam tapes And then when she was done with them she'd give them to me

I'd go to bed with my Walkman just listening to it Y'all ready for this? Yeah Anyway Alright our petty beef for this week Was sent in by our daughter Maddie Who writes When putting a straw into anything, are you drinking it or eating it?

Okay. A little classic Petty Beef here. Let's give an example here. I think if you put a straw into pudding or jello on the pudding, you're technically still eating those foods. Same goes for spaghetti Mashed potatoes, etc Just putting a straw in a spaghetti Just one individual noodle

Like a pressured suck Just straight down your throat These are all things that can Technically work their way through a straw, but you're not drinking solid foods. Damn it. You have to fucking eat them since they're not liquids. Okay.

Okay. Maddie's got a strong opinion. She should have put that in all caps. She did put an exclamation point, though. Well, she did put foods in all caps, so that's good. Yeah. My boyfriend is adamant that no matter what goes through a straw, you are drinking it,

simply because the method of consumption. Please settle this for us. Are you eating or drinking, insert food here, when you're using a straw? Is that where their relationship is? Or are they fighting over that? So things must be going pretty good. Yeah, they're going pretty well if that's where they're fighting.

Although, this is petty beef. Oh, that's true. It's a thing. It's not a relationship ender. Right, right. Anyway, I'm filing for divorce. Divorce beef. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and keep up the stellar work.

Your sarcastic umpire daughter, Maddie. Strike! Umpire, right? Yeah. Okay, cool. All right, so this is one of those classics. One of those classic questions. Like is a hamburger a hot dog or a hot dog a hamburger type thing?

Or is a hot dog a sandwich? Or what's the other one? God damn it. I just had it. Fuck this. Is a milkshake soup? Right. Right.

Right. You get it. Is cereal soup? Like that type of thing? It's just cold soup? Okay. Here's a question for you okay let's say you're a paraplegic okay and you have to eat through a straw but to blend your food yeah are

you eating through a straw are you drinking your food through a straw i think this one's pretty simple just in the sense of like do you have to chew what comes through the straw it's all about mastication yes yes methadone dude you're, you got to quit it with these big words today. Masticate me. Whoa. Jeez. Masticus is pain. No wonder you picked prison.

Or that. Yeah. No, you got to smash it up. Do you have to eat the thing after it comes through a straw? Like if you have, like, there's some chunks in a milkshake that you feel more comfortable chewing on. Right. Sometimes I like a milkshake.

Sometimes it's, it's, I like to bounce it around, give it a chew. Yeah. Even though it doesn't need it. Okay. It's just something about the texture, like the little frozenness of it. But is it just a safety precaution? Like it could go down, but you're just't need it. Okay. It's just something about the texture, like the little frozenness of it. But is it just a safety precaution? Like it could go down.

But you're just chewing on it for funsies? It could be involuntary or like you're just chewing it because you... Involuntary mastication? Like are you chewing water? Whatever Zach said. That's right. Yeah. No, so it's... No, you don't have to chew water.

I don't think it's... So to Matty's credit, I will say it's not about method of consumption right that has nothing if it's sure if you stick a straw into a food that just happened like if you shake it into fucking rice you're not drinking rice you're just doing you're you're eating rice in a weird fucking way. Yeah, you're using it as a utensil to eat. There you go. I wish, I want to like sit around and listen to the ways that they've discussed this. Has that been brought up?

It's a utensil, like a fork is a utensil. Right. I mean, you could technically spoon water. Doesn't mean you're eating it. Yeah. Right? So bring that up to your fucking husband you could you can you can uh reach into a puddle of water and you scoop it up and you're using your hands like you

would with a hamburger yeah but you're still drinking it yeah it comes down to chewing if you get it into your mouth and you have to chew it you are eating it right just like come what yeah um yeah just like it reminds me of the time if you're sucking come i have an asshole oh god so do you eat soup or do you drink soup it depends on if there's chunks in there that's it oh okay hold on hold on zach's bringing something you eat the noodle like chicken noodle soup you eat the chicken noodles and then at the end if you drink chicken noodles, and then at the end, if you drink the soup, you're drinking the broth. Yeah, you're slurping the broth. You're not eating the broth. Yeah. It's a combo meal. It is. But if

it's just tomato soup, are you drinking tomato soup? I guess you are if you're just sipping it. But you're eating tomato soup if you're using a spoon. Yeah, you don't drink a tomato, but you can drink an orange and you can drink orange juice and eat an orange. Yeah.

I think the safest bet here, it comes down to do you have to chew the thing? Right? I mean, I'm not. That's a good way to like to draw a line. Yeah. There's going to be just weirdness when it comes to tomato soup. Like, are you eating tomato soup? Are you drinking tomato soup regardless of the utensil?

Utensil. Because you don't have to chew it. Maybe we should stop calling it tomato soup. And just call it tomato broth or tomato juice. Tomato juice. But there's that, though, too. Tomato juice. Do people still add tomato juice to beer?

Yeah, it's called bloody mary oh okay no i remember well because you you can say that's not to beer is it you you order a bloody but i remember my parents drinking beer and then like they're like they would buy a can of tomato soup and pour it in there oh i just forgot about that what was that red beer is what i heard yeah you're right that's what it is yeah it's It's usually like a hair of the dog type situation. Like the next morning, you throw a little vegetable in it, thinking that's going to help the 40 beers you had the night before. You're like, God, I feel so much better and stuff. God, I'm glad I poured tomato juice in this beer.

God, I feel better. I've really put my steps in today. I definitely won't be feeling terrible later. I put tomato juice in my beer. This is going to be great. Okay. Well, Zach, do you have anything else? Nope.

To throw on this? I don't think so. Do you think it has to do with chewing? I absolutely do. I feel like that's a good like if we decide if we all agree that's the determination yeah then there's your line there's your line so do you have to chew it if you it doesn't matter if you're sucking it in through a straw with your hands or a food or a spoon or a spoon or a fork or a spork if you have to chew chew it, you're fucking eating it. Wait.

Okay. So, you know, you can eat ice cream. I mean, you could technically. You still have to chew it a little bit. It's just squish it around. You don't have to. Well, it's not a milkshake. But like, so like an ice cream cone, you could lick it and just swallow it.

Well, yeah, because. But you don't drink an ice cream cone. Yeah, but you don't have to chew it. Yeah, but you're just swallow it. Well, yeah, because. But you don't drink an ice cream cone, you eat it. Yeah, but you don't have to chew it. Yeah, but you're not chewing it. But that's the determination whether you're eating it or drinking it, right? But I guess you're not going to say you're drinking an ice cream cone. But if we decided that the line is whether you have to chew it or not.

Yeah. You don't have to chew an ice cream. I think that just might be an English issue. It's an outlier. You're going to have to eat the cone. You can't drink the cone. But you can eat it out of a cup. You can just put it in your mouth and swallow it.

And you're eating ice cream. You're not drinking ice cream. It's a milkshake. But you have to chew ice cream. Yeah. I think it's because the cone is on the back end of it. I'm just trying to think of any loophole around it. Yeah, I know.

I got you. I got you. Okay, let's move on to some good news. All'm just trying to think of any loophole around it. Yeah, I know. I got you. I got you. Okay, let's move on to some good news. All right. It involves a sports fellow that we all love. Woo. All right.

And Zach changed his name after him. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Was that a true story that your name ends in a Q because of Shaq? Shaquille O'Neal.

Isn't it? Yep. Okay. Hell yeah, brother. Well, Shaq, although I do hear some conflicting things about him being an asshole or a nice guy, I feel like what I'm presented is that he's a nice guy. Yeah. And a fun guy. But people that, I guess, I don't know, you read things about being closer.

And, I mean, I could see him also being an asshole. He's no Bob Ross, but he's getting there. So this teenager was struggling to find size 23 shoes to wear, and Zach came to his rescue. So a Missouri... Look at this motherfucker. Dude. Big dude. This Missouri teenager who longed to find tennis shoes that fit comfortably finally has some of his own thanks to NBA superstar Shaquilleille o'neal did you say superstar oh my god

get out of here jor-el bolden is 16 years old stands at six foot five weighs 380 pounds and wears a size 23 shoe because of the size of his feet his mother has struggled to find shoes i can imagine bolden and his mother first told television station kctv5 in january that they were struggling to find shoes that would fit once bolden's story made its rounds online including usa today his mother received a message that was sure to change their lives just if you if you're listening you don't know why i'm laughing he should be a lot taller he's gonna be a lot taller dude i mean fucking better be you know they say besides the feet this this guy just got the biggest dick what are we doing size 23 shoe my uncles were like six six six seven and they had like 13 size man it's So it's 13. So it says, entertainment tonight, they messaged me, and she was like, someone special wants

to talk to you. That special someone turned out to be none other than Shaq, who was no stranger to wearing big shoes. He wears a size 22. So this guy. Bigger feet than Shaq. Bigger feet than Shaq. They spoke to him via FaceTime, where Shaq told him to expect some goodies in the mail. Just a few days later,

Bolden received three boxes full of clothes and 20 pairs of shoes. Just fast-track those shoes. God, that's awesome. He's going to grow out of it. He's going to be like, hey, Shaq, dude, you guys got size 24s?

You can send over next week. That'd be great. But I love it when people that are in a position to help, help. That's like my ultimate goal in life. Nothing can make me happier than just to have a ton of money and a ton of power and just be like, dude, and just reach out and help people. So the fact that Shaq's doing that, that makes me very happy. Like Mr. Beast.

Yeah, just like Mr. Beast. Absolutely. Has all this power and doesn't just like make dumb, I mean, he does make dumb videos, but he also does some great philanthropy work. And he'll give somebody a hundred grand. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And he does that to make more money on the videos. But.

Yeah, but he still gives them a hundred grand. But he also does that not to make money back. If they touch the bees. Like, he will help out and do gigantic things, philanthropy projects, and then make sure that he doesn't get any money back. And the money that's made from that video goes back to the same philanthropy project that he was working on. Like, he knows what he's doing. And he, I mean, no matter how modest you try to live when you're that big, you're still going to make money. But he doesn't like live and extract.

He's making billions and hoarding it like he's giving it right back to people. So that is awesome. So good on you, Shaq. I love that. All right. Here's something funny I want to bring up that was found online by Cassie. Okay. All right.

Fucking roll it. The Internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes i thought or go to prison as a couple as a couple uh i'm not sure how it is as a couple not sure how i feel about this go to prison as a couple but it's a thing that exists so ikea's japan like that was weirded wordly you get it ikea's j Japan's new detoxing black hot dog looks unbelievably disgusting in real life. That's got to be charcoal or something. It is. Just charcoal layered fucking hot dog and bun called the Ninja Dog.

It looks cool. Does it? Would you eat it? No. Would you eat this black hot dog? I didn't say that. I said it looked cool. I mean, there's not a whole lot to read, but the hot dog is fucking huge.

It's 11.8 inches, a full three inches longer than the bun. That's a size 23 shoe right there. Yeah, it is. But it's just way bigger than three inches bigger than the bun. On each side. On each side of the bun. Okay, that one doesn't look as good as the other one did. That looks like the Willy Wonka version of the first one.

Of a Costco hot dog? It looks like something from the Lord of the Rings shit out or something. But like the charcoal is supposed to be good and get toxins out and all that kind of stuff. But I mean, I guess a pretty good marketing ploy. We're talking about it on the show. And I guess if it tastes like a hot dog, would you eat it? That looks like a horse cock. Remember when Shrek came out and they had green ketchup?

Like they just changed the color of it. And nobody bought it. I wouldn't fucking touch it. Remember when they made crystal clear Pepsi? Yeah. And no one touched it. No one touched it. Because it wasn't good.

But how? You are the soda pop connoisseur. You're the old pop guy. If you need to know about some pop. You need some thoughts on that. Do you call it pop or soda? Pop. Pop.

Nice. That's the Northwest in you. What do you call it, Zach? Pop. I don't even know. I think I bounce back and forth. I think I do, too, but more pop. My wife says soda.

I do like the tie together of soda pop, which is the worst version. I like the South where they're like Coke. Coke. Give me a Coke. What kind of Coke do you want? Mountain Dew Coke. Mountain Dew Coke. Yeah.

I guess Coca-Cola's marketing must have been heavier down there. Just to take over. Like Kleenex. What kind of Pepsi do you want? Yeah, like Kleenex. You don't care what over like kleenex like kind of pepsi you want yeah like kleenex you don't care what type of kleenex it is you just want to blow your nose but you say kleenex saran wrap you know saran wrap doesn't matter i'm just looking to wrap food i don't care if it's kirkland you have that kirkland what kind of what brand of kleenex do you have nice i like that yeah well

i'm not i'm not too sure about this thing man i don't even know if i would if i would try i've never been in an ikea i've literally never been in an ikea been in one time one time was it over in seattle yes it was okay zach you ever been in ikea no not once and that's so weird it's so weird to people like just kind of how we grew up and where we grew up we don't have a fucking ikea in this area but so many people hearing this like you've never been to you've never had ikea meatballs that's right but first of all you know how weird it is that he has meatballs next to the lamps like to hear like people are like oh you got to go there for the whole food court that's so god that's so weird i didn't realize what ikea what i just thought it was a furniture

store but you go you walk through like a fucking mouse going through a maze with all the different stuff it's it's weird just eating your meatballs and looking at toilets and i had no idea that that's what it was where you're just being you walk one direction really you see a shuttle. Yeah, I didn't know either It's like yeah, it's like you're shuttling cattle through the store Thank you. They like you're trying to eat your meatballs and look at a bedroom and you're getting cattle prodded Guy pops out between a fucking bathtub. He's like he's like move keep it moving boy Oh, I was at a Willy Wonka Extravagant a mouth full of meatball.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry, do you guys have ninja hot dogs? They're right ahead. Keep going. Okay, sorry. Sorry, I was just admiring the chandelier that I can't wait to put together and fuck it all up. Zero directions. I can't wait to put this together five times because I forgot one step.

Keep it going. Zapping you. What do do you do i'm the cattle prod guy at ikea what how much does it pay 60 an hour same as i get to i get the cattle broad people i was gonna catch some z's yeah catch some z's in the yeah in the back room on some really nice beds are you looking for a new bed dude I eat meatballs and sleep on Ikea beds and just cattle prod people. That's great. Down living life. So you're homeless?

Yep. Yep. I'm homeless. Well, you may have $16 an hour. You are. Can I tell you guys a dark joke? Yeah. That I'm not sure how many people are going to find funny, but I'm going to tell it anyway.

When I was in Hawaii, we went and toured Pearl Harbor, which was fun. It was cool to just kind of be part of that history and check out the missouri uh which is fucking huge have you done yeah oh you've done for a horrible i did it when i was 18 so it was that was 20 damn still it was the yeah they're celebrating their 25th so god damn you were out there within the first five years yeah and they the guns on that fucking thing when they were like yeah it was within whatever there's like 20 like with anything within 26 miles those guns could hit with pinpoint accuracy they're like anything you can see like any house all these guns could hit it and you're just like holy shit no wonder everyone was terrified

of this fucking thing that's it gets crazy i don't remember that yeah it sounds you can't even see the boat and you're an enemy and you're looking with your binoculars you're fucking 14 miles up in the mountains and you're just like barely can see a boat and you're like shit yeah wait just like what the fuck who did that that was Zach that was nice yeah and it was just like within whatever was 90 seconds your fucking whole house is exploded yeah by the time you see it yeah it's already on the way you get a speck at 26 miles out in the ocean and you for all you know your fucking house could be next it was that good back then yeah like they just they figured it

out they're crazy shit anyway we were there and we were walking by and they were selling hot dogs as like one of the food items and just being me in my brain i was like how funny would it be if they had like kamikaze hot dogs where you bought a hot dog and it came with a little propeller on the front it's poked into the front of it. And all the hot dogs are burnt. It would look like the ninja hot dog. Okay, now it's starting to all make sense. It's all coming together.

It'd be like, you get a hot dog, but here you go, and they hand it to you and it has little wings on the side and a propeller on the front. And you're like, open up wide. You're trying to feed the kid. And you zoom the side and a propeller on the front and you're like open up trying to feed the kid and you zoom it in the propeller spins here comes the airplane they did not open up they did not sell kamikaze hot dogs but i thought it would be funny great marketing they really wanted to yeah although by the amount of people that are there they're doing just fine

yeah they don't need kamikaze hot dogs right, let's hear from some of the listeners. Okay. All right. Yeah! Oh, God! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. Okay. You ready to get going here? I am. So, this was sent in by our flower-hating daughter, Rosie. Hmm. Which is a funny pun. Yeah.

What's her name? Probably is a funny pun. Yeah. Because of her name. Probably why she hates flowers. Says, hey, daddies, and call me Uncle Zach. Ah, come on. I was listening to this week's episode with Brian talking about his Mexico vacation and the balloon guy. Yeah. And I wanted to share a similar story.

It's not that similar, but goddamn, is it funny. That'll be five bucks, please. That'll be your entire vacation budget, please. Let me preface this by saying that I don't like cut flowers. I think they're plant cadavers. Cadavers. What'd I say? Cadaver.

I'm so dumb. Holy cadaver. I said that stuck in my head. Holy cadaver. Just Dio coming back out of nowhere. Anyways, my husband and I went to check out a new Italian restaurant. The food was divine. Nice.

And near the end of the dinner, we see this guy with a basket of roses going to tables and charging tips for the flowers. I mean, we got that around here too. My husband, knowing that I don't like like them kind of opened the menu in front of us to avoid making eye contact of course he didn't take the hint and came to our table and put a rose on it with the most apologetic tone and smile i could must uh i think it says muster i said i appreciate it but i really don't flowers, so please give it to someone else. He grunts, takes the flowers and leaves. One minute later, he's back. And now he's trying to hand me the rose and I'm keeping my hands down, just telling him that I don't want to waste it. My husband also told him

that I was okay. He then puts the rose on the table again and says, that's going to be $5. And now I'm getting real mad and i said i don't think you understand i do not want it please remove it from the table he then screamed eat the fucking flour you bitch what grabbed the rose and threw it in my face and slammed a whole basket on my table tipping our drinks and splashed the remainder of my pasta all over me. He ran out of the restaurant before he could even he ran off the restaurant before we could even process

what had happened. My husband got up and the manager immediately came to us and apologized for what had happened. So he doesn't work for them that he just let them sell the flowers. We ended up getting the dinner comped which is awesome and 120 voucher for the next time we ordered a a couple or we ordered to go a couple days ago anyway sorry not sorry for the long email honk your childling rosie that's incredible eat the fucking flower, you bitch! He throws it and then runs away?

Our flower guy in Spokane is much nicer than that. Oh, he's so nice. He's a hardcore salesman, but he's nicer. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's the same guy. Like, he has a big beard? He had a shaved face.

Oh, I know. Never mind. I know of a guy that drives between courtland and spokane and sells roses at bars which doesn't seem like that's covering gas money uh-uh like he'll show up on a tuesday maybe he's got a tesla okay now the flower business is great it's booming blooming come on get out of here oh yeah what are you doing grabbing an empty chocolate wrapper that's not empty it's some chocolate in there it's the christmas vacation one oh but man what a 1989 what a fun fucking experience to just like you have that i mean

you got everything comped and 120 bucks and then got more food out of it? That flower guy did you a... What? That was in the chocolate? That was a giant hair? Christmas vacation. Oh my God, that is a hair from how many years ago? 1989 or something. You just pulled a 10-inch long hair out of that chocolate bar. This person's probably dead. Could be.

It had to have been on the floor, right? How'd it get in the chocolate? No, it must have been like... And you grabbed the wrapper and the... Okay. Had to have been. Had to have been on the floor, right? How'd it get in the chocolate? No, it must have been like... And you grabbed the wrapper and the... Okay. Had to have been. Had to have been. There's no way that got cooked in. Did it have to be...

Okay, you ready to read our next one while you're eating your chocolate? No. Can you... I ate a bunch of those and there was no hairs in mine, I'm just saying. Okay. I mean, that hair was long enough that if you were eating some, then eating some That was Beverly D'Angelo's hair You wish Alright read our next one

Alright um Our last email was sent in by our daughter Nikki Who is turning 40 this month A bunch of 40 year olds now She said he want What? She said she wanted

She said he wanted she said she wanted no said she she said he wanted a porn hub and she shout out she said she wanted is what it's supposed to say okay she said she wanted a porn hub inspired shout out which i don't know exactly what that means so i'm just gonna jerk off while i read this you're welcome i should have read that before No That's why I wanted to have you read it Oh god Alright God damn it Brian Gotta go get the kids

Every show Every show I gotta go get the kids is what that means Every day they want to eat No I don't have to do it today Damn Alright hey sexy daddies and step uncle Oof

Something about hearing Nicky and sexy daddies is making me aroused. I just listened to the latest episode. Words, words, words, words. LOL, I don't freaking remember the title. You guys are talking about the woman who was in the dumpster and then the dump truck. That's right. Of course we were. Reminding me of a fun story from a past job.

I used to work as an inventory manager at a big box pet store. Of course we were. Reminded me of a fun story from a past job. I used to work as an inventory manager at a big box pet store. Probably Petco. One night while taking out the trash from a delivery day, myself and a co-worker noticed one of the boxes still had product in it after we tossed it in the dumpster. Well, being the amazing inventory manager that I was and refusing to write off the products, I figured out I'd just jump into the dumpster and recover the goods. Well, jumping in was easy, but getting out, however, was a challenge. There you go, Joe. Okay.

The walls of the dumpster were flat and slick. There was no place to get a good footing to climb out. At the time, the dumpster had just been emptied, so there were barely any garbage to climb on to get out. Eventually, I managed to get out with the help and lame jokes of my co-worker, but it has proved to be quite the comical event. Needless to say, the first thing I did after that shift was shower. Hope this gave you guys a chuckle. I know my friends and I were laughing about it. For weeks following, I was known as the trashy bitch at work.

Nikki. I think that answers your question about. No, it doesn't. She got out because of lame jokes. If your life is in danger and the dump truck is backing up, get the fuck out of there. Like, that doesn't answer shit. Like, how long did it possibly take she's like i was stuck in there for quite a while what was it was it 20 minutes was it five minutes but it was just

embarrassing because you couldn't get out but were you in there so long that if a dump truck was coming you couldn't get the fuck out of it some people panic and they don't they can't slow down and that's that's that's just as big as a problem like you gotta fucking be able to get out of the fucking dumpster you were able to get in it you shouldn't have been in there in the first place dude i'm willing to try it i'm willing to go find a dumpster i will i will jump in i will find my way into the dumpster and then if i can't get the fuck back out immediately okay but something tells me that if i'm able to jump into a dumpster i'm going to be able to jump back out of the dumpster

well remember the chick that um the jump in is going to be shorter we don't know how remember it could have been a momentum thing or the jump swing is going to be longer yeah but there's no way she comically tossed herself in with the trash you never know there's no way it might be a weird angle too you know how they have that kind of triangular output yeah that might be weird too well yeah but normally the front front is straight and the like that's just a block on the front the back is angled i don't know mom's angled there's no way there's no i will will i've never like it's been a long time but i have jumped in dumpsters and i never was worried about getting back out of the dumpster and i'm just i'll do it i'll do it for research but something tells me science you build you got

to be able to bounce the right the fuck out if you can get in you got to be able to get out isn't a little easier to get out with it's a little higher isn't it i was saying easier to get out because on the way in you have to go higher because there's wheels on the bottom yeah you're on the ground and you're not and i get that the inside is slick but like what if it's icky i don't give a you don't want to touch it because it's icky but again icky nicky you fucking trash you bitch at work like there's if there's you know she was saying it's hard to get out but if there's a dump truck coming to pick you up and put you in there and possibly swish you what if she was deaf and she didn't hear the the dump truck there it didn't mention that in the article we we covered that like there's no way like if she was deaf and blind how'd she find

the dumpster maybe she fell in it i know we talked about just like was it in a cave okay there's some excuses there like you worked at a landfill and you fell off of a 40 foot cave into a dumpster yeah you're not gonna get we have to get more info on this please somebody send us more info on this all right well that was episode 90 had some fun yeah uh if you want the party to keep going we keep doing bonus episode stuff on the back end every single time. Just sign up at patreon.com. Don't be the party pooper.

Patreon.com slash canyoudon'tpodcast. If you want to see something on the show, you send it in to heyguys at canyoudon'tpodcast.com. We got our Instagram and our Facebook. If you can't find us, you don't deserve to follow us because it's just typing the same shit we've been talking about. Same with the YouTube channel. If you want to see the video stuff that we were talking about today and then rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts.

And then you really have to put any sort of a link to social, like everyone should know what the socials are and you don't, and you just look. Yeah. There's like, Oh, we are the only one. It's like, you have a tick tock. Yeah. Just look it up. Can you don't, it is not a normal phrase.

If you type in those things, you're going to find us. And then, yeah, thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Facebook page, because it's a blast in there, popping there every single day to check out what you guys are talking about. And then check out what Uncle Zach is doing. Thanks for producing today's show. Happy to do it. All the shows that Zach does can be found at scatcast.com

and that is scat with a Q. He's the scat man. It's not, it's not scat. Scat. Scat. No,

don't fucking don't say that to him. His last, you know, his K is a Q. So it's scatcast. Are we shooting? No.

All right, let's wrap things up. You're not going to say, okay good god wrap it up already huh this is a new one i haven't heard before how do you get a country girl's attention attract her because she'll think it's sexy no you attract yeah you attract her with your i thought you just taking it at face value oh so and you're just like yeah yeah fucking good attract yeah you just duh that's what i did nothing to do with the tractor dude when i was in college and when i was when i go home and drive tractor yeah and there was a couple gals that lived in spokane

and they they were fascinated that i drove tractor and they thought it was all sexy. So they always thought my tractor was sexy. You being a guy that has driven a tractor, what's the sexiest thing about driving a tractor? There's nothing sexy about it. No, it's terrible. I'm just farting in the seat all day. Farting and hot. It's hot.

Sweaty and loud. Yeah. No, it's hot sweaty and loud yeah no it's miserable that's like the um like shows like yellowstone and all these women are like oh he's so sexy as a cowboy you would not want to be with a cowboy no they're i know cowboys you wouldn't want to be with them no they get done doing cowboy stuff and they're not happy yeah like it's not they don't get done and they're pumped to be around because they're doing it again the next day yeah and it's not to them it's not sexy it's hard work it's fucking miserable yeah yeah and you think you have this fantasy that it's this cowboy is going to take you on on his horse and and do all that

shit it's like no that's not or come home and have the mental capacity to love you yeah no he's fucking miserable and tired and yeah can't wait to do it again tomorrow yeah that's like doctors and nurses all the sexy porn with the doctors and nurses it's like that's the nastiest place to have sex on earth is a hospital you don't want to do that yeah yeah they're exhausted they're tired and they would rather you weren't there as they go right to bed you're cleaning up shit all day yeah yeah well the doctors are cutting into you the nurses are cleaning up shit yeah yeah all right let's move on you the nurses are cleaning up yeah yeah all right let's move on to the bonus stuff everybody else we'll see you next week do your

thing Bye.