Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Baby Half. Ceiling Tile. Bong Dash. Touching.

Episode Date: April 8, 2026

We've never thought about it before... but how hard would it be to actually rip a baby in half? Let's talk about that, installing a custom bong into your dash so you never have to stop doing drugs, why are dry ice bombs so goddamn fun, thinking that you're making a lumber delivery but end up screwing some dude's wife in front of him, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/GpOcPGiDd3ESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Baby half. Ceiling tile. Bong dash. Touching. Do we have you all the way back this week? I was trying to get all the coughs up. But you are. I can hear you.

Yeah. That's important. It's a, not great, but it's better. It's good. Okay. It just sounds like life. Yeah. It's not great, but it's just getting through.

Yeah, just doing it. Episode 199. That's kind of like the ball drop stopping at one. just counting down, bringing in the new year and the ball breaks. Just everyone in Times Square is all pumped. Yeah, and then... And then... Power goes out.

The fireworks don't explode days go up and then shizzle out and fall down. And they just fall into this hit a building. Yeah. As a shell. Reminder that next week, we are celebrating our 200th episode. And we have decided that we're going to be eating a gummy. And then we're going to do the episode backwards. because we just never done it.

Are you in charge of gummies? Yeah, I got some. Okay, that sounds good. You do that. I'll pay you back or whatever. Yeah, keep sending your content. The email address is, hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. That includes stuff for dick, your confessions, petty beef.

Hey guys, emails, whatever it is, following up on some nonsense that we've talked about on the show today. I am happy to say we are going to be debuting another can you don't AI song today. And I haven't shown you. You haven't? No. Because I want to do it that way. Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I don't. And this time I did not. Head over and support us. I saw a little boost there on Patreon, but we did just hit a new month. So a lot of people fall off and then show up. But whatever reason you are there, thank you. We're going through the honkathon. Maybe once we cross over after the 200th episode, we'll sit down together and really start

thinking about what our honkathon goals are going to be. But if you want to support us, be part of the gaggle. head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. I saw people sending this in. I saw that you dropped this in the script for today's show. Yeah. What's the backstory here?

Well, it's just another crazy fucking heist. People are obsessed with stealing just tons of weird things. I'm guessing it has a lot to do with the fact that there wouldn't be armed security guards for this weird shit. Like, if you see the, the the obvious armored vehicle carrying around money from business or bank

to another location, you're like, yeah, that's the target. But in this case, they saw 12 tons of Kit Kat bars and they were like, yep. Well, nobody better to lay a finger on my Kiket? Butterfinger or break me off a piece of that. They knew that. They did not rob the Butterfinger truck. They're like, no, it's in the name.

I don't even know if they make butterfingers anymore. I think it's just the... What? They make them. And it used to be my face. Right there. Yeah. Score and Butterfinger.

You don't seem very often. So when you get one like at Halloween, it's fucking great. A massive 12-ton shipment of Nestle-Crunch Kit-Cat bars stolen in a chocolatey heist that risk causing a shortage in stores right before Easter. No. There was a whole, like, a portion of the population grinding for Kit-Cat bars to meet the Easter demand. Someone was like, opportunity. 400th round of the...

it up, 414,000 bars. Get your chocolate head? That is wild. Again, so when they steal these things, where are they selling them? No, no. Melt them down. There's got to be a whole market we don't know about. Oh, yeah.

Like, where some convenience store will gladly buy your Kit Kat bars on the side. I mean, the crab, was it, the crabber lobsters? Yeah, lapses. It's just like, is it the same people? Do they have like a crazy Kit Kat lobster? Yeah. Lobster Kiket Fest going on. I wonder if they're selling them overseas, like smuggling them into countries that don't have.

Yeah, well, this all happened in Italy. So maybe they're doing that and then bringing them back over here. Look at the Ketka, but it just seems like a company like Nestle would have a pretty good idea where their bars are going. Yeah, you think. Like every time it's scanned. Maybe they're in. Like, what? It's an insurance scam.

Yeah, it could be. Chocolate insurance. Very lucrative company. It is. Yeah. So anyway, thanks to everyone who saw that. that and incented our way. You're ready to get into the show?

Oh, shit. Jesus Christ, right of the top. For the golden geese. Neil DeFrey. Daniel Akey. Jason Glaser. Daniel Spitz. Matthew Leonard.

Toddson, Lordin Holliday. Maggie Stokes. The Sofire. King. Stephen Gennett. Stephen Gennan. Getta.

Those are our golden geese. George DeSato, thank you for the year, man. It's been a hell of a year. He was one of the very first to jump on. He was. But as we've been saying for months and now, you only get till April. So thank you for your support.

It's April. It is. It came out, so you're gone, dude, but he's still got an honorary mention. So thank you guys. But you guys can check on our Patreon and see if a spot opens up and join that very top tier

and get a personalized thank you from us and get mentioned on to every show. Ready to get going? I am. Zah! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right, you found this one in the bowels.

I'm really bummed because I can't do the stuff. I can't do like my, my voice still isn't back. Or I can't do the Tim Allen. It's just like my arsenal of voices or noises that I make. It's just not. And I don't know when it's coming back. It's just like as I'm talking, my throat starts getting all scratchy. I miss it, Joe.

It'll come back. Yeah. It'll be beer. I got beer. It'll be beer. I got the goat for backup. Yeah. There we go.

That'll fill in everything you can't do. Yep. Let's see if I can do that. It's not where you, I can't get the high. It's okay. The falsetto. Okay. All right.

Send him by Bobby. Okay. Hey, Bobby. Is Bobby back? Bobbo. Is it the Bobby? Anyway, back to you. Yeah.

So he sent this in and I thought we could maybe add a tweet to it if we want. Okay. So here was his original one. Would you rather go on now? National TV. Every time I read this part. Okay, go on national TV and rip a baby in half. What's Bobby doing?

Like, just taking a baby and grabbing in one hand on one end, feed on the other end, and just ripping it in half. Or however you've got to do it. Like trying to rip a phone book, over your knee. The baby's just crying and you're like digging into a baby, trying to rip it in half. In half, yeah, it's got to. you waste. It was either him or me.

Yeah. What was Bobby doing when he was like Hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Listen to the baby on the airplane. Yeah. Would you rather go on national TV and rip a baby and have? I know when I was... I don't know if I can. We had to get some kind of tools.

When my son was, he was colicky as a baby. You want to rip him. I remember thinking, and maybe that's where this thoughts coming from. He's those newest kid cried and he's laying in a baby. He's like, oh, it really rip that baby and a half. That'd make a fun. That's a fun, would you rather?

Better make it on national TV. That definitely ups the stakes. If you rip a baby and a half of your home, you're a psychopath who did it at your house. But if you do on TV... Yeah, you get the repercussions. For sure, going to prison, too, by the way. You can't just leave that off the table.

Your life is over. Not only are you going to prison. You'll get killed in prison for ripping a baby in half. So if you think of it that way, whatever the next part of this is, probably going to have to pick it. Yeah. Go for it. What is it?

Well, so he, his half was, have your dick and balls surgically removed. Okay. So that sounded. Like a, you have an appointment and you're going in. A procedure. Yeah. It's Tuesday and you wake up and you don't have your dick and balls. And as much as that sucks to not have your dick and balls, at least it's being surgically removed.

At least you're not getting your head. head ripped off in prison. Yeah. And having to rip a baby in half. Let's not skip over the fact that you have to rip a baby in half. I don't have that in me. What's baby? Infant?

It looked like four months. God, that's sad. Well, maybe it's right out of the, they're pulling out of mom and they're getting ready to cut the cord. And they just be like, I'll take it.

Excuse me? I got it. And then you just cut it right here? No! Oh, could you play it off as a mistake? Like you thought you were just going to be cutting the umbilical cord, but you actually just cut the baby and half. You're like, whoa, first day on the job. Still a felony.

What's that? Still a felony. Still a felony, yeah. Even if it was an accident? You could convince a lot more people it was an accident. You're like, I don't know. I didn't see it. It was dark in there.

You sue the hospital for poor lighting or having great. Well, that assumes, but that assumes this birth is happening live on national TV. Which is also felony. So the lighting probably wouldn't be that bad. If it's on NASH TV, the lighting team on broadcast TV. Yeah, they didn't just get here. So to make this more difficult, I was thinking not having surgically removed. Like someone actually just rips it off of your body.

Like kind of like I picture obviously like a silver baccarilla. Could be. Just, ooh. Something with the strength to just rip that off. Or maybe... You're dying either way, right? But maybe it's not that easy. Maybe it's just an average person, kind of like you trying to rip a baby in half.

It's an average person trying to rip your dick and balls off. So it's pain to you and all that kind of stuff, but at least you're not a national TV ripping a baby in half. Gotcha. You're going to die. Having your dick and balls ripped off is not a small wound. No. There's a lot of main things going there.

Let's assume they're going to bleed out. Let's assume they, they cauterize it. They rip it off, but it gets caught with you. It's not a complete shit show. Like, it's not a, yeah, it's not a surgical office with a trained medical professional. But they have some idea of what they're doing. There's danger involved. There's danger involved.

And that's your dick involved being ripped off. But afterwards, they're going to take care of you. They're going to clean it all up. What's that scar look like? Ken? Oh, you know, skin is. smooth. That'd be surgically removed. Yeah, that's true. Back alley

dick and balls. It's just going to be a bumpy hard. You know those scars. You know exactly what I'm thought. Do you remember that woman that her chimpanzee ripped her face off? Yeah. And then they surgically fixed her face. That's debatable.

Attempted to surgically repair her face. I mean, that's just the equivalent. Yeah, but it's down. At least you can hide you can hide what's below your waist. You can't hide what's on your face. as my dad used to say. He liked the rhyme, didn't he?

Oh, yeah. I don't know. He was a poet and didn't even know it. He's a musician, you know? Okay. I don't... I... Just kill me.

I can't rip a baby in half. Either way, he just kill me. Just rip my dick and balls off. I'll miss them. I'll miss them. But like we've talked about with a, would you rather, it's in this similar vein.

Yeah! Uh... Uh... You just find a way to refocus. You got to adapt, overcome. And no matter how much you do care about your dick and balls and they control your life now, when they're not there, you're going to have a lot of freedom. You stop having to worry about that. And those thoughts are gone.

And you just go back to actually having a nice life without a fucking coming. So you're thinking of post-game. Yeah, post-game. Now think pre-game. You're waiting in the green room to go on television to rip this baby and a half. or you're standing in a room and there's a guy in the other side of the room getting ready to rip you. Who wants to do it? He's putting an iron in the fire for...

Which... Yeah. Which part... Which buildup is worse? Knowing you're like going to have to take your pants off and this guy's going to rip your dick off or you have to go rip a baby in half? Like which anticipation is worse? Both are very bad. Arguably the post game of your...

San, Dick, and balls is a better... life than the other way? No, I'm just trying to be positive. But I think at least you may not, you're, you're not in prison. You're not at the risk of all these ostracized, but. Yeah. Yeah. But the anticipation, which one would you be more nervous to do?

I feel, I got to think about it. I got to think about it. This is the tough one. I think, if you, if you were to pull the rip of baby and half off a national TV, now where you're going? So is the embarrassment and the for sure fact that you are going to go to prison and for sure get murdered while you're in prison? That all comes with the national spotlight. You take that away. You're ripping a baby in half? Yeah.

Kind of. Because I could get away with it. What's the baby going to do? Yeah. It's not going to tell anybody. No, it's in half. Nor could it tell anybody if it wasn't in half. Nope. You're going to point you out in a lineup. And you can probably trick your brain and it being like, see, I saved you a lifetime of misery. Drug addiction. Drug addiction. Probably drug addiction.

If you're in a situation where I'm holding you to rip you and half, you're probably in a pretty bad situation. And I love babies. I can't, I'm just picturing holding a baby. Who donates their baby? I don't know. This is a clinic for it. Just go there, go through all the work. The worst part about ripping a baby you have is the adoption paperwork.

work? I will take great care of it. Yeah, I mean, if you, if you, that was the way you had to do it. Like, is it, are you responsible for, um, obtaining the baby? Or is it, it's just some no-name baby? Is it a, is it a show on Fox? They're like, later in the show. And remember, and later in the end of the show, next week on half a baby? Ryan will be ripping a baby in half.

Don't miss it. Or is it a game show and you come out unexpectedly and rip this baby in half? Yeah, see? Because is there a studio? is there an audience that are like tuning in to watch you rip the baby in half? Dude, you rip a baby in half and I was like, oh, God! Rit that baby! And then it just, whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper.

It's bleeding all over the place. Oh my God, get him! This cuts the commercial. Subway! Eat fresh! I can't rip a baby in half. I'm got to fucking lose my dick and balls. Remember, it's not your... It's not just losing...

Well, no, it's not just... losing your dick and balls, you have to stand there while someone attempts to... What? It'll be over. Move on. I can't rip a fucking baby and have, Brian. Whatever. If I came over and tried to rip your dick and balls out, how long you think it would take

me to get it up to rip them off? What if, okay, ultimate saw game, you stand there, you have a baby, someone's trying to rip your dick and balls off, how long until you rip the baby and have to keep your dick and balls? I want to play a game. Yeah, yeah. Saw 86. Well, you steal the saw from the person and then cut the baby in half.

You see what you saw and you whatever. Yeah. There's lots of babies out there, but there's only my dick. There's only one my dick. That's how I look at it. I don't think about it that way. You can have another baby. Yeah, there's just throw it with your dick.

Yeah, the second you can grow a dick on your arm, but you can't make, you can't lead the horse. You can't make him drink. You can grow a dick on your arm, but you can't rip a horse in. babies in half with water or whatever. Make him shit in the woods. I got it. I got to keep. I,

I, I can't rip a baby in half. That's what, that's what I'm picking. That's what I'm picking. What are you guys picking? Zach? I will probably have my dick and balls.

Yeah, I can't rip a baby in half. That sounds a little really rough. And you're just keeping your, just being alive after ripping a baby in half. I'm hardly using my dick anyway. Rip a baby in half. I don't,

you got to have like a little tear here point. So start. Like you get to cut in this create a, yeah, there's like a little punch outside like on a box. mac and cheese. Perforated. Yeah, perforated baby.

I just go, I think what you have to do is you have to put your legs, like grab one of the legs and put your feet and you have to pull the legs off. Easy rip baby. I mean, I think that's the way you got to do it, right? It didn't say how you had, it didn't say it didn't say it to do with your bare hands.

You could just tie like one half to a horse or half to a horse and just get it over with. You don't have to watch. Now I'm picking that. If I have to do it with my own hands, yeah. I can string a baby up. You bring out the two horses. you're like tying off.

And they ask the baby a question it can't answer and rip it and half. Let's draw and quarter the baby. Two horses are on the show, shitting on the stage. That's the name of the show, two horses, one baby.

Fucking tune in next week for more of this. I wonder what will happen next week. Can't wait. What are we ripping half? Fucking set it to record. Well, if he doesn't do this, then next week, Brian gets his dick,

it's his dick ripped off. So stay tuned. Whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, I'll probably get to rip your dick and balls off. Yeah, I probably can't rub the baby half. All right. Excited about this.

Zach, play the next thing, please. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

All right. Well, I'm not going to get into it too much. I don't want to give it away. I want to have you and the listening audience figure it out at the same time. But it was inspired by something that we covered on the show just last week. Okay.

And I have Zach Zach in controls because his computer plays it in stereo. So we'll get the full AI experience. So Zach, whenever you're ready. In stereo. No arms or legs. The crowd. There's no another corn.

But you keep fucking line. I think it's bullshit Rooms Difficult one And let me just be clear here If he hadn't shot his friend And killed him I wouldn't be making fun of him

Right Okay But he did And now he's free game Yeah Yeah that's fair Okay He stepped over the line

Yeah he fucking did When he killed his friend Just thought a bit a bit Since we've Went to the AI world Hell yeah Yeah I love it

There was, and also just a shout out to people. I'm just glad that I'm not, like, completely delusional about that. It was last week. Was it in the actual, it was the bonus? They didn't play it in the actual episode. We played in the bonus one. But I took some old Moretta lyrics, and, like, and I was, like, just having fun. This one night turning, like, all these old Moretas, like, who is my band?

Because, like, I forget people don't know everything. I've been here the whole time. It was my old band, but I was taking lyrics and having them turned from, like, metal into folk songs. songs. And they reached out and they're like, fucking cry. Like, send it to me. Made me ball. So it made me feel not as crazy when I had AI using my lyrics to make me cry.

I was like, what the fuck is happening? Technology! Come on! So there's that. But thank you guys. There you go. That was good stuff. Flopping!

Over the fucking line. I was waiting for the, you shot yourself. It was in the bridge. Yeah, it's coming. Yeah. I had to make sure to put that in there. That was good. Have fun in prison, giving so much head.

Who did you, when you prompted the musical inspiration? Like 2000s pop punk. Yeah. Yeah. And I tried a couple different genres, but the context was just too much. It wasn't funny for country, and it wasn't funny in folk or whatever else I did. Metal didn't work. It's pop punk lyrics.

Yeah. Yeah. So it made it all kind of. come together because Pop Punk is goofy as shit. And we keep saying this, we will get that playlist up because that I mean is kind of a timely thing.

We should probably get that. Get that up there. Yeah. Release it. That's going to be the thing that catapults this show to the next. Yeah. Somebody's on Spotify right now looking up quadriplegic fucking cornhole. And there's nothing for him. And there could be.

We just haven't released it. You got to fill that... Quadriplegic cornhole. that's a porn hub search. That's not a Spotify search. That's what that is. There's one, yeah, you search that. There's one search result.

And it's just our podcast. They're like, whoa. Hello, please. Well, remember, people have said that they've gotten freaky to the show before. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure it's to that song, but if someone can jerk off for that song, Hey guys at can you don't podcast.com.

Hey man, people are into some, some disability things, you know. Debilitation. Debilitation. I have a crippling porn addiction. All right. Let's slide off for some dick. Zach, hit it. Way, way back.

Way, way back in the podcast world. I'm going to set it up by just sharing this story again in case you guys have forgotten. But there was a period, there was a time in my life where I was like, I discovered dry ice bombs and I had some fun. We would, we would, like that was just something to do. Small town Idaho. It went from like, of course, just standard containers. You would use soda bottles or Gatorade bottles.

Gatorade bottles were thicker but way louder. So you had to use way more dry ice. And if you don't know what the, if you know what dry ice is, you put it in water, it's a chemical reaction, releases, and just basically turns the container into a bomb. And they're very loud,

and they can be destructive. As I saw one time when we, it was my brother and I, do you remember when you could go to Costco and get those giant, like, tree top, orange juice?

They're fucking huge. We put enough dry ice in one of those to turn that into a bomb, and that did ruin the lawn. Like, it put a little crater in the grass. So it has some power

if you go big. Oh, yeah. I don't know if people were just, if it was today, all the cops would have been called when that thing went off. But anyway, that's what these things are. And this particular story, not going to name names. And it's so dumb, and I'm glad it didn't end the way that it did. But had a friend, went through a breakup.

And when you have friends that just like are looking for something to do and they're going through some heartbreak, we decided that what you're going to do was make a dry ice bomb and run. and roll it into their family home in the middle of the night. Into his family home? Well, it was hurt. It was hurt. Yeah, person that broke up with him. So he was hurt. And we decided this was going to be a good idea.

This will show him. This is a really bad idea. Now thinking as a parent with kids, if someone rolled a dry ice bomb into my house, they have a dog, like that just didn't cross our mind. And we could blow up dog's jaw. Because they're going to run out there and inspect it. Yeah. I mean, we got, we, he knew how to get in.

So we made the dry ice bomb open the door and rolled it into their fucking entryway and ran away. Oh. Not nice. And that thing went off. All those lights came on and I cannot imagine the panic that was in that family's fucking soul. That's a nope. And then also trying to exploit like, what the fuck is this? Because like not like dry ice bombs are common knowledge.

It's a pipe bomb dear. Like, what would you know? You'd have no idea. He's like, oh, yeah, it's just fucking some kids rolling a dry ice bomb in my house. Nothing to worry about kids. Everyone go back to bed. Yeah, no, shove things in mailboxes. They are, they are so loud and they are so much fun if you do them safely. It's a lot of felonies. Yeah, it's only felony if you get caught. I had a friend get caught putting a little pipe bomb in a mailbox, and the FBI came to and talked to him when he was 12.

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's where he messed up. Remember that part where I said he got caught? Yeah. Okay. Small town, though. How did they not know it was you? Because I don't know. Especially since she just broke up with the kid.

I don't, you set to keep, I was doing a lot of good stuff too. So they're like, well, he couldn't do that and that. Does that offset the bad stuff? I don't know. That's the game of life, baby. It's like I was just going around rolling dry ice bombs in everyone's house. It sounds like it. No, this is the one and only.

And it wasn't until after we were like, that was really dumb. Let's not do that anymore. but this particular, I get it. This teacher was excited. So we're going to BC, but a teacher has been suspended after a dry ice explosion in the classroom. No way, his last name is Popoff. David Popoff put dry ice into mouth, allowed students to handle substances without gloves. All these things, I mean, if you're familiar with dry eyes, you definitely have a period of time.

You can touch it and move it. and it's not going to burn like third degree burns on your fingers. You do have time, but when you're really messing around with it, you need gloves. I have never put it in my fucking mouth, but maybe on accident because you can't drink water out of it while it's bubbling as a fun little trick at a Halloween party or something to be the life of the party. But looks like he just put it in there and was like, hey, look good I get it. Like it could also, if it's, you have a lot of it in your house, it will replace the oxygen and kill you. So it's not the safest toy. But just open the window and you're going to be fine.

A teacher in southeastern BC has had his teaching certificate suspended for two days, which is even funnier to me. Yeah. Two days after he allowed students to handle. You come back on Thursday. Yeah. Leading to an explosion that left a hole in the ceiling tile. Whoa.

So I'm guessing shot the top off the bottle would be my guess. The discipline, determined by BC's teacher regulator. Regulator! It was a clip? It is on top of a 10-day suspension school district 5 already ordered following this October 2024 incident. The details that dry ice explosion are all contained in a consent agreement posted by the

BC Commissioner. I didn't look it up. I love how I like I need to. If you want to know the details, you can... If you really want to get into it. So according to the agreement, David Popoff brought dry ice, the solid form of carbon dioxide, which is extremely cold and can cause frostbite if handled him properly. He allowed the students to touch the substances with their bare hands, according to the agreement,

and even put the substance in your mouth. It's fine. I just, I have thoughts on both sides of this. Popoff did not follow any of the safety guidelines and did not provide any protective equipment to the students. On the second day, Popoff brought dry ice into the classroom. where both kindergarten and grade six students were present. The agreement states that a student put the substance into a water bottle and shut it. So what they did was realized this is going to be fun.

The water bottle exploded, shot upwards into the ceiling tile, the bottle left a hole in the ceiling tile, and left shards around the room. Good Lord. And a missing hand? Nope, no one lost a hand. That was another dumb thing I used to do with those, but it was just the tiny box. bottles, you would try and time it so you could throw it. And then while it's in the air, it blows up. What a fuck?

My uncle did that with actual explosives. M1,000, basically sticks of dynamite. Yeah, this isn't quite that. So I get it from this teacher's perspective. Dry ice is so fun. Yeah. If you haven't spent a lot of time around it, I highly recommend it. Like, it is really fun.

It's fun for kids if you take the right safety precautions. Like, you hold, like, a spoonful of water and you touch it to the back of it and it goes, and then the water goes and freezes almost instantly. Like, it is really fun. We did an elementary school. We did, you know, like the volcano or whatever you wanted steaming. Yeah.

You get the top of like the of a surface, like a smooth surface wet, and you have a tiny chunk of it and you flick it and it's basically no friction whatsoever. And it just floats perfectly around the countertop. Kind of like an air hockey table. Yeah. Yeah. My dad, this is where all this addiction comes from with dry ice, was, um, was, um, like he, like a monumental moment of, of core memories from my childhood.

My dad using the bathtub in all hot water, filled it all the way up and gets dumped in pounds and pounds of dry ice. And he just filled up like the entire bathroom. And it was one of the coolest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. And no one died. So from the teacher's perspective, I think it's pretty funny because he's like, this is really cool. look you could put it in his mouth he's trying to be cool for the kids it's science and the parents are like get them out no fun

what they didn't mention was no kids probably got burns so they're treating it like it's dynamite well but they the potential how dangerous it could be is probably where the parents are freaking out a little bit they're not fucking messing around with plutonium no but the fact that one of the things exploded and shot something in the seal. And he wasn't paying attention. He's like, I'm going to put this in this water bottle and they turn it into a bomb.

It's probably more dangerous to drive your kids to school than it is to play it. Then it is to let him go to. Dry ice. Mr. Popoff's classroom. Yeah, exactly. Try ice. That's one of the classes. English.

With Popoff. Dry ice. Dry ice tech. Dit. Dry ice fun. Homeck. More dry ice. It's a zero period.

You can show up early to Mr. Popoff's early morning dry ice class. history of dry ice. The history of dry ice. The evolution of dry ice. Things you can lose from dry ice. How mad at your parents? Dry ice class 101. Sex ed with dry ice.

Let's make your parents mad. Dry ice 101. Not in your butt. Yeah, that'd be a bad. Oh, that's a terrible spot for dry ice. It'd be cool for a second. It'd be funny. I remember smoking ass.

This is another funny. It's like, that's like a hillbilly way of saying like going fast. Like, do you haul an ass? Dude, I was fucking smoking ass. Wow. You could probably smoke with your asshole. Yeah, I'm sure you could. A little pucker and sucker.

So my daddy's always saying. Yeah. According to the internet, you can freebase fucking the fumes of alcohol up your butt. Yeah. That's pretty neat. Yeah, we've covered booffing on this show. How could we not? The old pucker and sucker.

It's been almost four years. Of course, boofing and sucking cigarettes with your asshole have come up. What will we think of next? I remember being pretty scared, not scared, but like, we mess with dryas, but I remember the teacher, not vaguely, maybe not, maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but like treating it very much like it's a substance that we need to be careful with. Yeah, it's a controlled substance. You know, and we, so we used gloves and things like that and, oh, I mean, they sell it. They sell it at the grocery store. A little bit of fear, though. Like, still, remember, this isn't your ice at home.

This is different. This is not. Yeah, this can, you can make bombs. You can do fun stuff with it, but also be very careful. Yeah.

That's how I remember it being sold when I was a kid. Oh, I'm like, all that's happening right now is I am inspired. This happened back in October of 2024. And Mr. Popoff has inspired me to go get some more dry ice.

Does he have his job back? Yeah, only got 10 days. We should get some dry ice for episode 200 and just have it sitting on a table. Does it have it hanging out? Restocking it nonstop. Yeah.

the whole show we do it. We're high and we have it in our mouths. Fuck, yeah. Or we put it in the can't and let it, we let it pop off at some point. Just explode? Uh-huh. Just put it in there.

Like some point during the show, it just explodes. We don't know when it's going to happen. Well, I'll be watching it the whole time. But we could put it in a... In a box of nails. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, dude. Okay. Well, wear your glasses that day. I'm going to wear my fingerless gloves and eye protection. And some razors. What is it called?

Vipers. The Vipers. Pit Vipers and Fingler's leather gloves. Fuck, yeah. Making dry ice bombs eating gummies. Doing an episode backwards. That's podcasting. If that isn't a Saturday evening hogbones,

I don't know what it is. That's the only way you get the happy hour deal. We just need karaoke on top of it and then we're good. Is it happy hour yet? Well, it is. I don't know, but you don't have your gloves on, So it's nothing for you. Nothing for you, Bucco.

Bucco. Anything else you guys want to say about a dry ice guy? Fuck it. Let's do. Let's get some dry ice. Let's fuck around with it. Okay. That'd be fun.

We covered a story. It was not too long ago. And we were like kind of blown away about a guy who kept on getting in trouble. Oh, getting arrested. And then kept on getting released and then getting in trouble again. And I don't, I couldn't find the article. apparently this trend is pretty common where there's just

there's one guy there's one guy that gets in trouble all the fucking time I was hoping this guy was just adding to his rap sheet but I don't remember if this was the same guy if not this is a hell of a fucking record Thurston County Man

arrested for the 98th time That's the local story up here Well across the border Yeah over yeah yeah So Thurston County man He's in jail this past Monday After being arrested for the 98th time according to an exhausted sheriff Sanders.

Doesn't say that. Fuck. Sheriff says the man is a four-time convicted criminal with 27 prior misdemeanors. This time, he allegedly led officers on a high-speed chase through Olympia. After stealing thousands of dollars worth of kick, just kidding. Worth of merchandise from multiple stores. Thank you. We know it's you.

Don't care. He's wearing the merch? Yeah. eating a Kit Kat? How can you prove it was me? It's on your body. It's on your person. It's on your person. I see it right there. Deputies say the man and a woman in a truck with him

were also involved in the theft in Lacey just three days prior where they were not apprehended. See, I told you he'd get away with it. My luck's finally turning around, darling. He was... Sorry, I'm watching the story here. He had a

custom bong for smoking and driving and... At the same time. Like all... Yeah, meth, heroin, fentanyl. He, in his brain, he came up with... He was like, I keep getting caught because I have to stop and do drugs. Yeah.

So if I never have to stop driving and I can just keep doing drugs, I am invincible. It's like, theoretically, this would work. This would work forever. If I can just do crack on the go. I just got to get past that hurdle. The hardest part about fentanyl is stopping to do it. I just got to keep going. On the night of the man's 98th arrest, deputies spotted the truck heading north on I-5 in Olympia.

And before even activating their emergency lights, the truck, like, he started to speed off. Yeah, he knows. He knows. You guys, I've seen, like, these deputies have seen this man more than I've seen my family in the last fucking five years. Deputies chased after him, but quickly stopped after an unsuccessful pit attempt. Imagine survive. they try to pit maneuver and you survive that.

The cop spins out and you're like you correct yourself. You're like, fuck you. The truck began blowing through intersections. They called off the pursuit again to the extremely reckless behavior

of the fling driver. Short time later, the truck was found abandoned near college street. Deputy said they quickly found the pair walking in the neighborhood. Act normal. Yeah, I did.

Play cool. Put away your giant bomb. Your giant bomb. At gunpoint. Deputies confirmed that the woman was turned over to the Centrelia PD for organized retail theft. How do they link up? Fuck is LinkedIn? Like looking for someone who just doesn't give a fuck?

I'll put your resume. Fuck you. How about that? You're perfect for this job. You send him a message. You would be great for the position I'm looking for it. I see that you have no resume prior history and 90s. arrest, you'd be perfect for my

theft ring. While searching the truck, deputies say they found thousands of dollars with a stolen merchandise from numerous businesses inside. Additionally, the suspect had a custom bonged device built into the dash of the truck so we could comfortably smoke drugs well driving. Built into the dash. I mean, I love it.

Don't get me wrong, but the ingenuity that it... Yeah, I mean, I love this new Mazda, but it doesn't have a built-in bong in the dashboard. Yeah, and of course it fucking doesn't. I really need that. That's a deal breaker for me. If you guys, if anything,

you guys come across anything, and then they get that car and they call them, thinking, not knowing it's his custom fucking bonk car. Right. The cops turn it in. They're fucking no way. You have a call from Dave Smith Motors. Somebody's had to have made their

car into a bong at some point. Oh, yes. Got to be. Yeah. Yeah. Essentially like an is just sending the exhaust straight into the from the action. Yeah.

It's infinite drugs, huh? Yeah. It's a weird taste. Never ending cycle. So just the full run down here, he's a four-time convicted felon for numerous thefts, has 27 misdemeanor convictions in 97 prior arrests. Today,

he's back in jail for the 98th time with DUI alluding in the possession of narcotics. Two more, and he's out 100. So I'm, you know, I'm not one of those people that's just like, lock somebody up, you know, because I do rehabilitation and all that kind of stuff. The thing that sucks, though, is a guy like this, eventually he's going to kill someone.

Yeah. And it's like, well, get him out of there. And I mean, 98 times, that's, I don't know, it's very difficult to hear that and be like, and think that he's eventually just going to figure stuff out because he's going to kill somebody. Like he could have killed somebody on this high speed. Right. Just plowed into a family cross in the street because he's not, he does obviously does not give a shit. No, he does not.

Not at all. He has a bong customly mounted to his dash. That means he's doing drugs while he's driving all the time. With everyone's families around him. He invested in it. He put the time in. He took a break. He didn't do the drugs and then be like, I got to get somewhere getting a car and drive.

He built it in so he could do them while he's driving. Efficient. And he's going to get out again and he's going to do the exact same thing. and he's going to destroy a family. This is the last funny thought. It's not that funny, but maybe it is. Funnier than destroying a family? No, that is top-tier comedy.

When I was reading this article, I found myself doing like a fast scroll up and down. And then I stopped and laughed and realized I was looking for like a table of contents. So I could go back and check out like all his other 97 arrests. I mean, arrest. Like, you know how fucked, like, how bad life's going when your news article could use a table of contents. Like, just to really paint the whole picture for everyone reading it. Cliff notes. If you're interested, you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you just, you know, bring it over to, what we used to use? Spark Monkey? Would you call me? I don't know. I didn't mean to. But I was like, God, I just want to take a little peek here. And I was looking around. Didn't have it.

But like some sources. Yeah. Some sources at the end. You kind of want to know what the first. Well, it's kind of like when you, yeah, what started it? What was the gateway crime? You know, when you go, you're watching, like, I'm watching my kids baseball game, and there's a close play, and I'm always looking for the replay.

Like, you go on the screen, like, I'm at a Little League game. This isn't happening. Like, I really wish I could see more information on this and I just can't. Challenge it. Challenge it. Tap into your hat. Challenge the call. That was a ball.

That'd be so awesome for Little League, though. If they had a big teleprint, big screen. Yeah. It'd be rad. Yeah. That's what you got to make it to the world. Little League World Series. Then you get the

Jumbotron. Make you feel like a like a fucking MLB player. MLB. All right, let's slide off to some Petty Beef then. It's a friendly one, but it's pretty cute. Silence in the court.

You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef.

All right, well, this was sent in by our daughter Kara, or Kara. I'm going with Kara. But it's a cutie. It says, hi, daddies, and Uncle Zach. Although a little grievance for Zach that every time you tell the listeners to check out his podcast, he always says, nah, we're cool, we're full. Which is insulting. What?

We're not good enough for you, Uncle Zach? Yes, you are. Anywho, petty beef. She's pissed. Well, anybody can come. I'm just a cunt. That's the problem. That's all there is, too.

He don't like your can around these parts. Honestly, I'll take your money. Every night, my husband and I sit on the couch, and at the end of the day, I'm going to watch some good old TV entertainment. And I always sit next to him. Entertain't. Entertainment. But if I'm not close enough, even under the same blanket, and nothing is touching, he gets upset.

He will get upset Even if our legs aren't touching And I'm supposedly not close enough We both call each other crazy What? Am I supposed to sit in his fucking lap? Yeah While we watch a show Not comfortable for me, am I crazy?

If there's an inch between us And I'm not sitting close enough Ugh Frustration Let me know guys We've been together for 15 years And still arguing over this shit Hugs and rubs from your daughter Kara

Day one listener You guys get me through my house cleaning jobs emoji emoji emoji emoji moji moji moji moji um well how are you guys in that in that particular space what i'm wondering is if he just wants a little under the blanket tug job action is what he's really trying to get at or if he just really likes the the touch of a cuddle because that determines the annoyance level if well if they're just constantly always trying to get jerked off Yeah, but if you're never getting jerked off and you're constantly trying to get jerked off, maybe she just needs to do it one time.

And then he won't sit anywhere near you. Yeah. And then he'll move the other chair because he got what he's looking for. He finally got it. That's one perspective. That's one. The little touch is important to me. Yeah.

Like, I don't need it. But, like, if I'm sitting right there, even just a little, little, a little, a little, like, it's just like, that's the number one way of just being like, yeah, no, you're here. But you don't have to be like sitting or laying on top of me. That's, I also agree that is, that is uncomfortable. It can definitely suck. But even if you're laying in bed watching the show, that sometimes just, I've said this before in the show, just a little leg over, like touching the other leg. Little olive branch.

It's just a little, we're making contact. There's something there instead of like distance. She can feel your leg hair. You can feel her stubble. That's love. If I have an itch on my leg and she needs to shave, just do the old. user as sandpaper. Use her as sandpaper. Yeah, you get it.

But it sounds like it's, I don't know. That's tough because his love language is touch and yours is clearly not. Yeah. Here's his quality time. I always love that we've been together for 15 years and still arguing over it. Isn't that a marriage? Touch me! Yeah.

You know? Like you know what each other's love languages are. Like a lot of times women are acts of service. they want like if they came home and their husband made them dinner that's like the greatest thing ever it's something they don't have to think about and a guy's like if she just came up to me and started rubbing my wiener and jerking me off that's like the greatest thing now I don't have to try to it just happen it just happened like those are like the almost like the two dream scenarios for each other but yet you don't do you still don't do those things

you try but you don't really like you still yeah when it happens it's such a big deal but every day and then after 15 years

the bar goes up it's like I made dinner yay but you didn't fucking rebuild the fireplace it's like I didn't have the stones why not you didn't think of that

if you're gonna redo the fireplace you need the stones well maybe if I maybe if I was jerked off my brain would have a little clarity

and I would have remembered the stones. So now you're in the same. And I think for me, the little touchies, it is not always sexual, but it's like just a little, it's a little spark and comfort of like, you like me. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, you're not trying. You do like me. Yeah. It's just like, you like me being here. And that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, a little nudge over to that person in contact. It's like, that was intentional. Fuck yeah. Um, so she's annoyed by it. maybe he should just start jerking off next to her. Yeah.

Maybe that's the touch he needs. I don't know. That'll ruin breaking bad. Nothing ruins breaking bad like a 15-year-old boner. Seen it. I didn't mean 15-year-old. Don't care. 15-year-old marriage boner.

Right. Not the age of the kid. There is a big difference there. Yeah. I just want to make sure I clarified that before we hit episode 200. I just try to reach over there a little touch That's not too bad You're still just sitting there

You just have any little piece of you touching You have to sit on his lap That's the huge swing exaggeration Like what do you want me on your face? It's like no just touch my hand That's all It's your hand's already there anyway So like if he if he reaches his leg over

This is not a question for you It's for her If he reaches his leg over and like let's say he's rubs up against her or is laying there does she eventually just be like like pull away no because that that is that'll suck your soul out that yes exactly if you do that and you pull away that's that is sending us a mess a signal like i don't want you to touch me which is about the worst feeling feeling you could get it definitely sucks or like the arm over in bed and they scoot away and you're like all right i'll just jump out the window because again

it's the that's so intentional it's don't touch me don't touch me and then the next night you don't touch them then you're in trouble not gonna be just try and touch me do you not oh oh you think i don't have feelings that's what it is okay that's what we're going with here oh i'm sorry you must be misunderstanding when you pulled away last night it really fucked me up so i'm not going to do it again because it sucked And I don't want to go through that. I don't want to reach and touch you again and have you pull away again. So I'm just not going to do it. And I don't know when to do it again.

So it's not that I'm being cold and don't want to touch you. I don't know if I should touch you. I guess surprisingly also do have feelings. So what that person could do is if they want to be touched, maybe just a little scoop back. And then it's like, okay, you want to be touched. And now here we are. And here we are. Now we're touching each other.

It goes both ways. People you've got to. So my vote is just touch them a little bit. I think if you guys are going to make that relationship last, you got to do little touchies. That's my vote, but I might get to become from a guy's perspective and someone who likes little touches. Do you guys want to weigh in on that in any way? I'm on Kara's team so that she'll join my Patreon. Oh, nice.

Smart play. Marketing. He's playing the long game. Zach's playing the long game. She just scolded me. She just dressed me down. I get it. Okay.

Thank you for that. Do you feel de-robed and naked in your chair over there? Yes. And $5. Exposed. Yes. I want to put some dry ice in my asshole. Whoa.

All right. Fuck. That was a big leap. They did not expect that from old Zachy poo today. Hey, all right. Cool. Let's we move off.

It'll bounce back. Yeah. We know that. We do know that. We've covered that. You found a good news story. Did. This week.

Let's rip it. Go for it. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah. Okay. Anytime there's pets involved.

It's good. It's a great. Well. Not a six-year-old girl giving up her birthday presence for a cause that she doesn't, that her parents made her do it. Okay.

Sorry. That's okay. Hikers dog lost in Wild New Zealand Forest, rescued by helicopter after strangers fund research. Team effort. Mm-hmm. Okay, I love it. Wellington, New Zealand.

Danunda. When a hawk of fail from his 55, meter waterfall in a wild New Zealand bush. Rescuers were forced to evacuate a barely hurt woman without a dog which couldn't be found. That's a bummer. Yeah.

There's like, uh, sit. Stay. Stay? Stay? Stay? As like, mom's on a stretcher going into a helicopter. Hey, stay! Stay! We'll be right back. Stay.

He probably stayed for a while until he was like, I have to eat. drink water. I have to do anything. This sucks. I've got to get my mind off this. After strangers raised thousands of dollars for research, Border Collie Molly was flown to safety by a helicopter pilot who was determined to reunite pet with owner.

He's probably the one that left the pet behind. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep. And he tried. He just keeps seeing Molly the Border Collie's face just as he's drifting up into a helicopter. Anytime a dog that concerned And they go,

then they stop. And they stop, put their tongue in their mouth. They're like, what's fuck? What's going on? This is, I did not see this. Yeah, this is a twist. Holy shit. A week early emergency rescue helicopter found a woman with bruises and lacerations

after a fall at a rocky spot, after at a waterfall in South Island's west coast. She was airlifted on March 24, but they were forced to leave without a pet. Molly was bedraggled and hungry when she was found Tuesday just a few meters from a spot where a hawk had been lucky to survive I contacted her in the hospital and said I'd go look for it said Matt Newton the owner-operator precision helicopters in New Zealand

which is based in Hortokitika garage near the Aurora River where Molly went missing I went look for the dog several times with no avail Unwilling to give up, Newton and his family launched a fundraiser to pay for the flowing hours and advanced search gear. Offers a help and donations poured in with strangers pledging over $11,000 New Zealand dollars, about $6,300 for research. That is, I'm glad that they put in that they went back a couple, like a couple times to find this dog. And they didn't just say like, I don't know, just wait for the money. Raise the money first.

I'm not fucking going back. If you can raise about $11,000, I'll go back. I'll go back, but until then, get fucked. Get fucked. You can't? Yeah, there's no way. That guy's like, or he goes, he goes, he goes, I'll find a way, and he goes into his boss and, you know, takes his helicopter helmet off. He's like, we, sir, can we please go back?

The dog's still out there. Raise your fucking money! Show me the money. How expensive these fucking helicopters are? Sir, come on, you gotta do it. Fuck off. Just so funny. The boss has to go back.

Again, goes to the home, takes his helicopter helmet off. My boss told me to fuck off. If I couldn't raise $11,000. Fuck you and fuck your dog. How are you doing, by the way? That doesn't matter. Anyway, bye. Flies the helicopter to her house with hours.

He could have been searching. Searching for the dog. But I'm glad everybody came together. We have a nice little happy outcome. That dog has no fucking idea. And that's what kills me about fucking pets. He's just like, oh shit, I'm here? He was like, dude, it sucked out there for a bit.

And the second he's home, he's just like, oh, fuck, now I'm magically here. This is cool. Just licking his balls. Yeah, he's licking his balls, fucking still doing shit he's not supposed to. Eating frogs or whatever that one story was that we read. All right, we found something on the internet. And it kind of goes hand in hand with a little adventure side. Does it?

Yeah. Let's get it up on the screen. Zach. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes, that's awesome. Last note on that last story was it did say that the flying hours are expensive. And then it also said that the search

tools are expensive, like the equipment needed. And it's like, I don't know what the price is on. Yeah, eyes in a whistle. Hey! Like that doesn't seem, every time you do that, it's $500. Yeah. Hey! Chiching!

Kicking, kikin. A little longer whistle. Whistling through. Yep. All right. So these, as we head into the warmer months, which means they'll be out there camping, fishing, hiking. Hiking, falling down waterfalls, losing your dog.

Um, we've covered We've covered a whole wide array Of types of crocs you can get out there Never came across beauties like this Fucking bring it up on the screen These are like tactical Survival Crocs We've got

Well, first of all they have like snowboard straps It looks like this is a little compass right here It comes with some nice nylon And they're waterproof You can't do much You can go into about six inches of water. Maybe.

But you're walking slow. Yeah. Like if you're taking steps, it's filling up with water. Yeah. Yeah. You're kind of doing like a shuffle. Yeah. Six inches of...

God damn. And it's got a little light on there. Look at that. Look at that. They thought of everything. Yeah, which is a little carabiner? I would say that's maybe for like sitting around the fire campsite. Yeah.

I think I'm not going anywhere else in those. No, I think it's like an attention starter. Until you need it. Yeah. Then you're like, what? Yeah. But if you find yourself lost wearing crocs, how lost are you? Like, come on.

Yeah. You could only get, you can only get yourself into something you can get yourself out of. Mm-hmm. If you're wearing some fucking tactical camping crooks, right? You're not just way out there. You're not going deep into it. You're not bare grills. Yeah.

Out in the middle of some glaciers. Drinking your own piss. Being like this will do. You didn't wake up that morning at like the, one of the campsites. on Everest and slide these fucking things on. No, there's, there's better ways. Who knows?

Some of those guys, they're pretty comfortable up in the mountains. They might, to them, a mountain's just another hike. Just a little stroll. Is that what's so special about these things is that they're comfortable? Or do they suck all the way around? I've never put a pair on it. Crocs in general? Yeah.

Crocs are fantastic. Okay. They're very versatile. My wife always wears them, but she's always fallen down from them. That's a her problem. Okay. Yeah. I think that sounds like we've got to start researching some webmd stuff.

She's using the action straps wrong, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to pay attention to that. So there's relax mode and sport mode. But there isn't a falling down mode. She found that mode. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. That's her problem.

Yeah, ones that just pick you back up? Because I'm in relaxed mode all summer long and I've never tripped. Not once. I wear them all summer long. And you have the toes, though, to grip it and hold it in place. Like when you're walking with sandals, you unknowingly extend your toes down to hold your sandal in place. And you've got to have the toes to do it. You are just flopping around in a basket of rubber if you can't hold that thing down with your toesies.

See, I thought that they would be very gross and sweaty in bacteria traps. But because the holes, the air gets through there and they don't, it's not like a sweaty mess. Okay. I was resistant at first, but now I'm all in. I've only ever worn my kids crocs. Like when I'm like, oh shit, got to go out and do something.

I'll slide those babies on. Take the trash out. I've never been a proud owner. Never. It's always been new to me, new to you type situation with the crocs, but I'll highly recommend it. There are 40 bucks for a pair,

and you can pretty much wear them whenever, wherever. Let me see if I can find a... Whenever. I can't do it. Wear your crux together. We can wear our crux together. Bob there and you'll be near How don't she get so famous with that fucking nasly voice?

All right, time to hear from the kids. Zach! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. We're going over which... I'll take the first one. All right, you read.

Since you've been going kind of hard. I've been reading stuff today. Okay, if my voice doesn't crack. I hope not either. All right. This one's, first one's coming in from Josh. Hey, Josh. Hey, dipshits.

Fuck you, Josh. Longtime listener, first time, piece of shit. That's what you get for me in front of us and we have microphones. Who's the boss now? Who's the boss microphone? Tid, or Tony Danza. Tit. Who's the boss tit?

I was catching up on the podcast and listening to Peacocks, sheep, spit, Skynet, and tell me again. And I have a story for you, story to chime in on. So buckle up, chuckle fucks. All right. In the episode, there was someone talking about Amish advertising and cleansing the gene pool. Which I still support. Allow me to share one of the most awkward experiences of my life.

I was fresh out of the Marine Corps, veteran back. Yeah, fresh voice. Out of the Marine Corps, corpse. Corpse. A veteran back in PA. That's kind of a weird sentence. I'm not going to take full responsibility for that. Fair.

Unable to find a job right out of the service, I was working for my uncle's lumber yard, running lumber to customers. So fast. Hell yeah, brother. It's the fastest two-by-four I've ever fucking seen. Throw it over your shoulder and take off. Marine Corps running with two-by-fours?

Be right there! Sounds like a rocky, like a training exercise. Yeah? One faithful day, a buddy. Fuck. Oh, boy. One faithful

You need a ticket? A buddy of mine And I were making A run deep into Amish country While delivering the lumber We had to wait for it to be unloaded A man approached us With an offer

Quotations Now not fully understanding What we were being offered money for We agreed And what ensued next Was absolutely the wildest 30 minutes of my life This is good

I was sat down In this man's living room While they set up And when I was called in the room, the woman was laying down in what could be described as stirrups with a sheet hanging down from the ceiling separating her top half

from her bottom half. Don't look at her top eyes. Don't look at her top half. Don't look at her boobs. The boobs are mine. Blocking all vision from the hips up. Fun? The rules were explained as... Here's the rules of the game. Yeah, all right. Step on up. Step right up.

Like a pussy. The rules were explained as I am there. to just finish inside her. No talking, no touching. That's hard. And can't look beyond the curtain. It's the fucking weirdest. Don't peek around the corner. The weirdest Wizard of

off spin-off of ever fucking seen. And the man is in the room watching to make sure I don't break any of the rules. This is fun. Getting hard and maintaining it through the act was arguably harder than the 13-week boot camp of the U.S. Marine Corps.

The entire time, I have this man staring down the back of my neck while I channel my inner happy Gilmore to find my happy place and just get the job done. What? After the ordeal, I was handed an envelope of money and my buddy was already in the truck waiting for me

for what was the most silent three-hour ride back to the yard I've ever experienced. Thanks for entertaining my email. Keep up the great work. That'll be five bucks, Josh. Sent for my iPhone's camera or whatever. Oh, fuck. What do you?

you even do? The Amish guy he just... He just... He just declined. He just understood the company. He just wanted wood. Well, he got wood. Yes, you get it. He was like, you guys deliver wood? Yeah. Wink? He's like, why are you winking to me? I can run fucking so fast with two-by-fours? You're going to bring the lumber?

Yeah, he's thought you guys, thought you're speaking code. So you'll run your two-by-four to my wife? Yeah, I'll run it fucking anywhere. I'll run this wood all over your fucking town. I can finish all over it. I've already ran several loads out in your village. Now, you can do it inside. You can bring it inside and drop it off inside.

Yeah, I'll bring it right. You open the front door. I'll come right in. I'll drop fucking load wherever you want me to, sir. All right. How about in the kitchen? In the bedroom? I thought it was weird when he wanted to lumber in the bedroom.

Lumber in the bedroom, but here I am and you probably have a kid out there somewhere. That'll fuck with your brain forever. Next story. Coming in from Seth. Fuck. Better pull my pants up. What's Seth got for us this time? Oh, boy.

So, needle dicks in the almighty sexy voice. Zach. Hello. Yeah, people are loving the God voice. Yeah. I got a poop story for you. So there I was sitting there. I had this rumble in my gut, so I went to the toilet and pooped.

And if I, that was the end of the email, that would fucking be great. It's set. But it's not. It's not. Okay. Hope you liked it. Lolls, that's not it. This happened maybe about two months ago.

I had more roommates than I do now. I live in a house, two-bedroom, had six other roommates. So a trap house, Seth? I've never come across a situation where both bathrooms were occupied, so taking a shit was never a problem until this point. I woke up about 4 a.m. with my stomach telling me, well, we got to go. Like now, it's going to be a serious issue all over the floor. I got up immediately and went to the closest bathroom, locked, went upstairs, locked.

I panicked because I didn't have that long. My butthole couldn't hold back was about to be coming out. I had to think quick on what to do. So I saddled slowly, what? Yeah, so I saddled slowly back to my room. As soon as I got in, there was no time to think. I grabbed a trash bag and a tiny one-foot box with a one-foot opening and threw the bag in. In the middle of doing so, my one-year-old daughter woke up crying and started coming towards me.

Daddy. as she did. I was pulling down my pants, yelling, no, don't come here! She got closer and closer, I want to. But I just couldn't wait. I squatted down, hoping the box would hold me up, and my ass blew up like a bomb from Pearl Harbor.

The sweet relief was amazing, even though my daughter was now holding my leg, wanting me to hold her. I grabbed my toilet paper sitting on my computer desk and cleaned up, pulled out my shorts, knowing this horrible situation was over, and prayed that would never happen again, as I did my daughter.

She looked on, then looked at me and said, Ew! Yeah, ew. I laid her back down in bed with my room smelling horrible like shit, and fell back asleep with her. I took the bag out the next morning, opened up the window to let the smell escape. Did I shit my pants? No.

Did I have to shit in a garbage bag in a tiny box? Yes. I will never forget this moment and hopefully never, ever have to do it again. Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone, get out looking for Android. you know uh that there that is one of the best feelings there is when you have to shit so bad you get to finally get to crap and you're just like whatever happens i don't even care the cleanup whatever it's just like it has to go it's out yeah and why does it hurt so bad right like what's fuck off it is not need to be like that my worst poop of all time that kind of vibe where it makes you

sweat. I was at a college orientation at Easter and just sit there and I'm like I'm dropping out of school. I'm out. I'm out. Not holding it. Can't do it. It's the worst dumb timing. I know. It just doesn't it's always been weird to me that it's so fucking painful. Why? There's got to be a better way.

It doesn't have to be that we're kind of stuck. Yeah. And then once this, and then when you get the like the stomach convulsion ones where you literally can't stop, your body is throwing up out of your asshole. Like bleh, blah. Blah! It doesn't like what's in there.

No. And it's gotta get out. I know, but you're a butthole. Come on. Deal with it. Well, your sphincter. Shvictor. Is the one having the trouble.

Damn near rectum. Or whatever. Reckham. Damn near a killed her. Yeah, something like that. All right. Well, that's our episode. We are looking forward to episode 200.

Next week. High and backwards. It's a weird promotion. Send stuff in. Make it fun. Hey, guys at can you know, podcast.com. Reminder the hawkathon is on. Support us on Patreon.

You'll find a link in the episode description for all the shit. talking about right now. Check out what Scatcast has going on. We are open and ready to take your money. Open for business. Come on in. Scatcast.com. We can sign some posters and some cards that you're sending out to your scat box. They've been waiting forever.

Awesome. Well, those will be going out. So go check out what's going on as our two universes collide and then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. And as always, a big shout out. It's like when worlds collide. And like always, a big shout out to the babysitters that moderate the Kenyon Don't Playground on Facebook. I have a joke for you. We're going to do it now. Zek.

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? So, just trying to eat healthier, and I was thinking about going on an all-al-almon diet. But that's just fucking nuts. It is. It's just all nuts all the time. That is pretty fucking nuts. Dude, that's fucking nuts. It's a lot of fat, too.

What am I, a bird? All right. Ready? After the bonus shit? I was going to come up with like a bird name for you, but not on the spot. Yeah. Not today, oh? No, today.

All right. All right, off to the bonus stuff. If you support us on Patreon, if not, we'll see you next week for 200. Bye!