Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Barcode. Stretch. VCR. Donkey Hole.

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch? Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch with your girlfriend's dad? Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch with your girlfriend's dad while your penis is inside his daughter's butthole? Let's talk about that, smashing your way into a Mexican restaurant to steal booze, accidentally allowing your child to watch porn instead of Barney, blending a spider into a milkshake for revenge, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/Oi8fMzH_9ogSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Barcode. Stretch. VCR. Donkey Hole. oh sick effects yeah for free episode 115 guess what what i found a praying mantis yeah dude if you're watching the youtube version zach you pull up these pics look how high this motherfucker looks in the second pick. Yeah. He's like, get up here. You're out here too, huh? Is this your chair? You don't see a whole lot of praying mantises up here. Praying manti. Manti.

Is that plural? Manti? Manti. Manti Teo. But you don't see a bunch. I'm guessing maybe their camouflage is working. Because they're around here here but not a lot around here i guess i mean i could probably count on one hand the amount of praying manti yeah that i've

seen up here you know what that can bring the second picture up again you know what the guy that reminds me of the aliens in the coffee place and men in black oh for sure and they're pouring the coffee all over the place yeah so for context yeah how how big is that like four inches that was yeah because it's on the chair but i didn't couldn't really get a long size they're long and i for football field long yeah and i cared about it uh because i we had i had to get it off the chair obviously because we had to sit down and flick it off no i got a thing and i scooped and i put him in the garden and then he didn't want to be in the garden so he started just walking

he wanted to be on the chair he's like dude i was where i wanted to know how long i wanted to touch your chair he just starts walking through the grass then he freezes up and he's just kind of there and then uh dinner's over it's bedtime and i'm just like laying in bed with cast i'm like i think i'm gonna go check on the praying mantis and she's bedtime and I'm just like laying in bed with Cass and I'm like I think I'm gonna go check on the praying mantis and she goes really? and I'm like

yep go out there check on him okay he's there and then it got to a point like not actually upset but like an annoying level

she goes just fucking bring it in here and put it in bed she goes we'll make a little pillow and the praying mantis can lay between us so that you're not so

goddamn worried about this thing and then you roll over and crush him and kill him. Oh, can you imagine? Could you find him? Well, yeah, when I went back out, but then in the morning he was gone. And I guess he's just doing his best out there. Isn't that funny how, like, I don't, I generally don't kill spiders. I, like, I'll capture them and, like, take them outside.

But I just picture that, too. The spider's like, the fuck, dude? I just got here. It's been a week. and like take them outside but i just picture that too the spider's like the fuck dude i just got here it's been a week do you know how hard it was to squeeze under your fucking door and then get all the way up here i'm exhausted the web i made what you don't know is he's just like yeah yeah so tired yeah you did it you finally made it and you're like let's get you back out where you belong What the fuck I did a whole video

Last year about How we just tear down We take a broom And we tear down Like real spider webs And then put up Fake spider webs For Halloween

Cause what the fuck To mock them What the fuck dude This was perfectly fine This was the real shit And you put the fake shit up And I got this Sucks He's pushing on it

what the fuck is this fake it doesn't even feel real shit i'm not catching anything in this city bullshit amazon garbage yeah little flies are laughing at him and shit like oh i couldn't see that yeah real sticky dork real sticky and they're bouncing off it Flipping them off Hey guys, look at this spider What a fucking dweeb Jumping on the spider bed What a nerd

Yeah, flies could probably jump sideways, right? What? Like, jump out Oh yeah, probably They can do whatever the fuck they want That's what they're doing They have wings, dude Yeah, they can do

No directions for those motherfuckers That's why we kill them all the time Because because we're jealous, because they can fly backwards. Yeah, and they have so many eyes. They're like a wonkavator. Yeah. All right, sign up for Patreon, patreon.com slash canyoudon'tpodcast. Bonus content on the back end of every single episode. Be sure to check out Scatcast.

We appreciate it. What Uncle Zachy's doing. Nothing. A lot of it. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. And speaking of that, getting close to the end of your chance, your opportunity

to win one of the Can You Don't Scatcast crossover card bundles. Yeah! The Silly Goose VIP edition. I mean, Scatcast all about the cards, as you've heard here on Can You Don't. But if everyone who buys an item of merch from Can You Don't, so just go to CanYououdontpodcast.com.

Anyone who has bought one throughout the entire month of August, also in the running. But it's going to go until September 2nd, so Labor Day. And then we're going

to pick somebody and if you bought some merch, you have a chance to win that card pack. Fuck yeah, dude. It includes the metal card, which is really, really pretty. It's so metal, dude.

So metal. Metal as fuck. We got confessions today. Yeah, every time really, really pretty. It's so metal, dude. So metal. Metal as fuck. We got confessions today? Yeah, every time we're at a fucking grocery store or something, they're like, or, no, like going through an airport. Yeah? It goes off, and I'm like, oh, sorry, I got metal in my veins, dude. And they're looking, I'm like, yeah.

And they're just like, wearing a corn shirt. Yeah. They're like, just go through, sir. He just rips off his TSA. He's also wearing a corn shirt. Yeah. You know what? First class.

Are you authorized to do that? No, I'm not. But I've got a gun. Confessions on the show today. Yeah. So it's going to be a lot of dick talk because that happens. That's what dictates the show. You open it up to the listening audience and there's going to be a lot of dick talk because that happens. That's what dictates the show. You open it up to the listening audience and there's going to be

a lot of sex stuff. That's the first thing people do is like, I got real naughty one time. I mean, confession has that little saucy underlying tone to it. You're not confessing about stealing a bagel.

No one caresel No one cares No one cares that you put How many bags did you get with your self-checkout today? And you pushed zero but you actually had one No one cares about that confession You know what they would care about? What? You steal those bagels

And you like You go somewhere Let's say you go to school And you're playing like ring toss on a boner or something like that Boom With the bagels With an everything bagel? Yeah school and you're playing like ring toss on a boner or something like that boom with uh with the bagels with an everything bagel yeah including dick yeah uh big thanks to date to deja for sending in some bags of birthday blow deja so we oh man months ago now for the look what i found we found some fake cocaine stickers.

And the way they advertise them. They look legit. They look legit. And you would put them on, like, whatever, a countertop, and it would look like you had some cocaine. And then this is what they sent her. I want to show that to the camera. I mean, I can try, but it's not going to be in focus. Try the side camera.

No, it's not going to be in focus. We'll try. Nope. See. Oh, fuck. You just have to trust us. It's not going to be in focus. Try the side camera. No, it's not going to be in focus. We'll try. Nope. See. Oh, fuck. You just have to trust us. It's terrible. What they are is tiny.

It looks like somebody... Remember when you could print stuff out and then iron them onto a t-shirt? Remember that phase? Happy birthday, Janet. And then you'd put it on a shirt. And if you ever wash that shirt, it's gone. Just come right off. Kind of like that quality. I appreciate you you sending them in they're absolute shit i would file a lawsuit

i would get your whatever the amount it costs we still did grab one and stick it up here by our by our studio phone uh and it looks realistic someone might fall for it yeah maybe we need to put a few more up there. If you're just on way too much acid, you might think that's a tiny bag of cocaine. Deja said, as promised, some lovely cocaine for you. Not what you expected? Yeah, me either. Hope you have a great day.

So bad. And then she also said, yo, daddy, happy birthday. Love always, your silly goose daughter, Deja. That was probably for you. It's for you Because it's been a while since it was my birthday Just missed it By nine months But thank you for sending that in

If you want to send something in to the show The P.O. box is listed in the episode description I think what you're saying there is We recommend not buying those Because you're not going to get No What you think you're going to get Make your own

And thanks to our deja vu. Buying it so we don't have to type of thing. Being the old guinea pig. Yeah. Yeah. Wasting her money so we don't have to. All right. Let's get the show rolling.

Okay. Let's fire it off. Keep rolling, rolling, rolling. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Just realizing I forgot my water. Oh, God damn it. Maybe we should yell at Cassie.

I could. You want to set this baby up? Miro, fuck! Fuck! All right. Shit, where are we at? Okay. We're starting the show.

That's where we're at. That's where we're at. This was sent in by none other than Seth. Seth on Seth. Yeah. Seth gets a little wild. Yeah, he does. All right.

Here you go. Would you rather have a stranger shake your penis dry every time after you piss and know you can't put it away until someone does? Yikes. Or have every senior citizen try to tickle your butthole when you walk by them? Like a slow motion. Get over here, Sonny. Just stay away from Florida and you'll be alright I'm not gonna hurt you

walk into like a I'm not gonna hurt you come on like a retirement home yeah you walk in there they're all just coming out trying to tickle your butthole

you walk in there did you eat your peas did I tickle your butthole come here Sonny come here get back in bed beep beep the cables are all ripping out

come on come on give me your butt it would be kind of like a Get back in bed. The cables are all ripping out. Come on. Come on, give me the butt. It would be kind of like a Walking Dead situation. You walk in there and they just all up out of bed and start chasing you around. There's a butthole here that needs a tickling. Say you go visit

your grandma's at a home. You're going to see grandma. Senior citizen, we're going like what, 65 plus? There's some fast ones out there. go visit like your grandma's at a home you know you're just going to see grandma senior citizen we're going like what 65 plus because there's still some oh yeah there's some fast ones out there yeah i was picturing just like 80 yeah but you know well 55 is senior citizen now oh they they upped it it's not arp get your arp card they i'm sure they bumped it up they're like these people are too quick what is a senior? 65 is the new 50, I guess.

Yeah. That's what they say. That's what my dad used to say. I did. 20, 29 things. That's right there. 65. Generally, the age of 65 is commonly a benchmark.

So if you can get a discount to enter a high school football game, those are the ones trying to tickle your butthole. That's the best measurement I have. Dude, there are some two bucks going to see the Mustangs. Yeah take on the hilltop Crescents mmm the Saxons. Yeah, and instead of five bucks you get three bucks and a tickle That don't that's just the type of people that are going for your ball Oh, yeah, just I'm just trying to make sure everyone understands with a common reference That's the person.

I mean, but there are some quick ones out there. It's going to be a... You're running a wide array. It's people just retiring from work. So you're still able. Yeah, you got ones that you can easily get away from. You can hide your butthole from. But you got ones that are going to get you.

Well, you get enough of them getting on you. One of them is going to get you. Well, you get enough of them getting on you. One of them's going to get you. Well, if your fetish was butthole tickle. I mean, just go lay down. Just go into Christmas with your grandpa. Just go lay down in an arts and crafts show. What if you lay down? It comes so many times.

God. What if you're at Christmas and you're like, you go, Grandpa's like, come over here, Joe. Sit on my lap. Let's catch up a little bit. I'm going to tell you a story about the time I tickled your butthole. You're at Christmas and you're like, you go, Grandpa's like, come over here, Joe. Sit on my lap. Let's catch up a little bit. I'm going to tell you a story about the time I tickled your butthole. He's like, let me tell you about World War II.

So there we were in Normandy. Tickling your butthole. I'll never forget it. There was a storm in your butthole. 1936 on the beach of your butthole. Just kidding. But seriously, the Jews were being decimated. But seriously, the Jews were tickling your butthole.

Waka waka. Waka waka waka. Oh. But once they get the tickle out of the way, they leave you alone, right? Yeah, it's just got to be a little tickle. Like a three-finger. Yeah, a little. Yeah, like a. Yeah. And then it's now back to the a little tickle. Like a three-finger. Yeah, like a... Yeah.

And then it's now back to the story. Back to the walker. Yeah, I met Martin Luther King Jr. during the... Tickle in your butthole. Yeah. Would Martin Luther King, would he be tickle butthole age? He wasn't old enough for that. What?

Now? No, I mean, when he died, was he in his 50s? Oh, I don't know. But he'd be trying to give speeches and swatting away people trying to go Oh I have a dream Hey Much sure why your brain just went there without fun. Yeah, let's we should move away from that so We have butthole tickling old people, but not being able to put your dong away.

That's a simple task. Yeah. You get it out, and then someone else has to put it in. Every time you pee. So are you just asking somebody, or do you have to wait for them to walk up to you? You better hope you have enough money to have a designated penis tucker. Is that the official name? Yeah.

Dong downer? Penis tucker. Dong the official name tuck yeah yeah i'm down he's tuck dong hog hog hider seems like the official term would be husband or wife wife yeah but if they're not always around i mean 60 60 000 a year to be a hog hider would you take it yeah what maybe 75 i mean you have to follow him around everywhere you don't have to touch his dick all you gotta do is take the brint like you have uh like barbecue prongs tongs tongs yeah and you just he takes a pee and you have to do the mandatory like yeah and then just grab his dick and just put it in. He goes, thank you. You're welcome, sir. Call me the next time you have to pee or poop.

I think you just, I always wear shorts or something. So you just grab the waistband and just go whoop. Just pull it over. You don't even have to touch the ween. But you're still hog hiding. So you can't be home alone, or just dicks out.

You take a pee, and you just have to have your dick out until someone can come home and help you. That would suck. You're just standing there waiting. Yeah. You would have to... I mean, you can't have your kids come put your dick away. Well, that's what I... So earlier I was going to say, what if you're at a football game?

There's plenty of people there, but... Not always a helping hand. Yeah, so if you've got kids... You know when you go to a sporting event and you pee next to someone and they have the other team's jersey on? And you have to ask him? Like a... Bygones be bygones. Like a Bears fan and a Packers fan?

I know we've had our differences. I mean, pretty good game, right? Yeah. Will you put my dick in my pants? I'll be your best friend. I'll be your best friend. I'll go buy a Packers jersey if you'll put my dick in my pants. Isn't that funny?

He's like, yeah, I got it for you. Just punches it. Throws your face in the wall. Just like bats it around. Hits it against your stomach, flicks it. Fuck you. Go bears. Don't care.

Runs off. Yeah. Woo. Woo. Just flick this dick. That sounds like a Yankee fan. Yeah. Although a Yankee, that might turn into some connotations there.

That's a nice pun. Let's say you're walking down the street and there's some guy walking by. You give him a little nod. But if that guy took his jacket off and had a Bears jersey, now you have to hate that guy? I mean, I don't live my life that way. Yeah, neither do I. But a lot of people do. Yeah, don't.

If I have one piece of advice, don't do that. Don't do that. No. But a lot of people do. And then you throw alcohol in there. For all you know. And dicks out. For for all you know you might need them to put your dick in your pants yeah think about that people next time you're at a sporting event or being rude to anybody yeah you never know you might need that person to put your dick away the world likes

irony that's the lesson yeah i mean we just flip the other way for the female listening audience like has to wipe has to wipe your that's even worse got to get in there and because now you got to get under the the undercarriage okay see what's going on down there i feel like ladies would be more apt to help each other though and guys yeah you always women got to stick together type of thing yeah ape together strong. But anyway, yeah, so you have to have that happen or senior citizens trying to tickle your butthole. I think I would go with the senior citizen because you just... What a fun game of tag.

It would be. You're constantly on the move, but it could be kind of fun. Yeah, get your steps in. You're not waiting around. See, the other way you're waiting around, this way you're like, I got to get out. Yeah. That's completely different's completely different i can't stay here very long yeah i'm here for a couple minutes tops you have an excuse to get out of there like sorry grandpa i'd love to stay in chat but but

this guy's trying to tickle my Larry's trying to tickle my butthole i gotta get out of here but it's almost happy hour and we're at fucking chili's you know do you know what happens at 3 p.m at chili's on a Friday? And he's like, okay. I get it. And you're like, okay. Love you. Love you.

He goes, wait one second. Can I take a look at your butthole? See? You're part of it. It's happening. He might want Blanche to do it, though. Sliding over tables, rolling over car hoods to get away from senior citizens trying to take a look at your butthole. That sounds like a fun, dude.

Mission M. Yeah. hoods to get away from senior citizens trying to tickle your butt sounds like a fun dude mission yeah i was trying to think of a mission impossible penetrable the mission possible you know they always have like mission impossible then like a sub something like the tickle monster or something like that but tickle but tickle denied baseball bat fingers but tickle denied Baseball bat fingers But tickle Denied Two Part do Cause they're not stopping Yeah I'm gonna go with Senior citizens Yeah me too I just gotta I gotta be able to

Put that dick away That's annoying That's Just waiting around Alone Yeah Would suck Taking a piss

And then you just The rest of your day Your dick's out Till someone can come Put it away Good luck Alright let's move off To what are you thinking about Okay We're talking about dicks again We warned you guys The rest of your day, your dick's out until someone can come put it away. Good luck. All right. Let's move off to what are you thinking about?

Okay. We're talking about dicks again. We warned you guys. Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? This memory. Memory. Just popped. Memory. Memory. I can't get that low low right down here let it roll roll right off the top sprung erected itself in my mind uh cassie and i as the time we record this for no reason whatsoever decided to go to the casino last night uh went

there early came home whatever it was fine could have been better but it wasn't great did you gamble what the fuck else we doing i don't know some people just go out there to look at stuff the buffet fat burger yeah go all the way out there just for fat burger yeah we used to do that for lunch sometimes cruise out there and fat burger you can't get it in town breakfast bagels finally back now I'll just get a hamburger somewhere else but I get what you're saying it's part of the experience you know

not a whole lot of experience going on out there so it just reminded me of that and I figured I would share this fun story with you and the world okay and it's a fun one It reminded me of that, and I figured I would share this fun story with you and the world. Okay. And it's a fun one, because it involved a casino, and it was months ago now, but we were over in Seattle.

Beautiful! Actually, probably not Seattle, more Tacoma. And they have a casino over there, Emerald Queen? Mm-hmm. Is that the one? Yeah. They have a Fatburger? A lot of concerts.

People over there for a Fatburger? I've actually never been there, but I see concert notifications all the time. I hear it's great this time of year the one? Yeah. They have a Fatburger? A lot of concerts. People over there for a Fatburger, too? I've actually never been there, but I see concert notifications all the time. I hear it's great this time of year. Yeah? Yeah. It's the Emerald Queen. Well, Seattle's the Emerald City. This is the queen of that.

Yeah. And it's, you know, it's not a Vegas casino. It's a casino. It's got its little wings and its parts, and what it mostly has is sad people. And we were going to austin texas and we were flying standby and there's not a whole lot of flights going from seattle to austin so if you don't get on the one we were trying to you have all fucking day until the next one goes out and that's what happened to us we almost got on didn't and we had like six hours until the next flight was going to take off.

Maybe even a little bit longer. I don't remember the exact time. Does it matter? Quit asking. And we decided that we were going to go waste time. Shut up! We're going to go waste time at the casino. So we go to the casino.

Cassie still has to work, but we know that, but it wasn't super busy. So we're just going to, whatever. We're just trying to have fun so we go to the casino hang out for a bit uh do some slot machines do some cards whatever and a couple hours pass and then we get hungry and we go to whatever the wish you had fat burger that's all i could think of that's the whole purpose of the story yeah and then that was it next segment zach no so we were standing in line for food, and a long time ago, like well over a year ago, one of our friends gave us some boner pills. Just a thing that he does.

A certain brand? I think Cialis. That's a boner one, right? Is it Viagra and Cialis? Yeah, Cialis is the four-hour one, isn't it? Where it's like... Fuck yeah, it is. So he gave us some boner pills and never took them they just sat in cassie's purse he had to take them he goes even if you don't need them it's fucking it's fun what happens

if a female takes them like if she was to take one i'm sucking that dick just the tip while i'm eating a fat burger i'm putting that dick in my fat you're eating her fat burger nice dude it's like feeding a horse yeah what'd you say we gotta make sure your hand is flat it's just like feeding a horse one of the best posts on the internet ever he's talking about i don't know how to like how do you finger a girl he goes i know it's like feeding a horse i think the next comment was like bro what just don't let it nibble let it get the carrot um so anyway we're uh we're gambling doing that then we're standing in line for food we have the boner pills uh we got from a friend, and we had not taken them.

You know, it's working fine down there. And for no reason, I think she was going through her purse and was, like, getting wallet out or whatever she was looking for. And the bag of boner pills popped up. And I was like, give me one. And she just looks at me. You sure? Like, just. And she goes, no.

And I was like like who the fuck cares like we're just in waste time mode have some fun we're fucking off and she's like okay so she gives me one and I take it so I got a boner pill in me that I've never taken before

standing in line to get so I got hot and probably a chili dog or something and it's looking up like this is gonna be a good day i don't know what's gonna happen is that the most exciting part is that you don't know what's gonna happen i'm about to tell you the most exciting part okay no i'm guessing the most exciting part is boner uh but don't quote me on that public i mean you can get a boner though public boner you've had plenty of boners. Yeah, but, you know. Is it the, whoa, it's...

I don't, I have no idea. That sounds terrifying. Yeah. Sure. What? Taking a pill you don't know what's going to happen, but the 200 million people in the world take it? Yeah.

Yeah. So it's somewhat safe. Has to be. I've seen a commercial. So I took a boner pill, getting a chili dog, dog i think we're just gonna eat crush that thing go rock and roll and we're gonna have some fun the second we eat and we're walking back out to the casino floor wait do you think in your mind are you thinking we're gonna sneak away no no there's nowhere to really go i don't know why i just did you're just planning on walking around

with this i don't know what i'm planning on doing. Yeah, maybe sneaking away. But it was just a saw it, spur of the moment, laughed, and then asked to have it. She gave it to me. I ate it. That's how fast this progression went. So we got the food down, casino floor, and we're heading back out to gamble. And then Cassie gets a phone call. You're gambling already, bro. Oh, yeah, but back out.

Oh, I get it. And heading back out. And then she gets a phone call, she has to go onto a meeting. And she doesn't have her computer. Obviously, that'd be fucking weird as shit. Just sitting there. Gambling. Yeah.

She's like. And you're just on a Zoom call. Change your background so you're somewhere else. Cassie, can you, can anyone turn that down? Not really. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Fuck! And then the other side Yeah! McVast Casino floor.

Anyway, she didn't do that. Didn't have that. Couldn't get service. Couldn't get cell service or whatever Wi-Fi inside of the casino. So she was like, I have to take this call. And she goes back to the parking garage to go take a business call. And it ends up going way longer than anticipated, right? The pill or the-

A couple hours or her meeting. So here I am, chilly dog in, by myself in a casino. Casinos aren't typically my jam. Just standing there. You're more of a pinball machine. I was. Bargain. That was a past life.

And I'm just standing by myself in the casino. I have my little ticket that tells me how much money I have left. With a boner pill in my belly. So, I mean, I'm laughing because the situation is ridiculous. I mean, first of all, just boner pill in a casino for no reason with your girlfriend is already ridiculous. Boner pill in a casino by yourself is also way more ridiculous. So I just started walking around, you know, boner no. And I sat down at a machine. Wait, what?

Boner no? I didn't have a boner. I don't know why I worded it that way. Boner no and i sat down at a machine wait what boner no i didn't have a boner i don't know why i worded that way boner no like some kind of yes or boner no alone yes boner no winning money yes boner no and i walk over to a machine and i sit down and it's me and some nice tiny old Asian ladies. And the boner hits. Okay. So now I'm playing a game. I have a boner. I'm trying not to laugh.

And no one cares around me. Does it feel like, is it when you just normally get a boner? Or is there like an over body sensation? It did not match the arousal level and that was that was a weird right okay yeah like my brain wasn't saying turned on i'm not like being like do that fucking that fucking asian if everyone would just fucking touch it like i didn't have that i didn't have a drive right to match the hardness right okay but it was just it was hard yeah and here i am just fucking two dollars

dollars 75 bonus nerd and i'm just like boner but i'm also like it you know how how how dicks are they start down typically right so then when they get hard they get caught in your clothing so i'm in a predicament of i'm done with this slot machine i'm surrounded by people how am i gonna tuck this thing into my waistband without looking like a fucking weirdo so i ended up just playing longer until people around me left. I slowed down my button pushing. Yeah. Like I'd push it and then it would be over.

Maybe like, you won eight cents. And then I'd just stare at it for like 20 seconds. It's okay, eight cents. I can work with that. Eight divided by my dick. How many Cialis can I buy with? Eight cents. And I'd sit there and just look at it, and then I'd push it again.

And I just outlasted the people that were around me. So they left, and I could do the old swing and scoop. Were you starting to look really creepy, too? Were you looking around to see if people were leaving yet? No. No, because the whole casino is creepy. Are you adjusting your pants? Sorry to bother you, creepy. Adjusting your pants? Sorry to bother you, miss.

When are you leaving? I have a boner that I need to fix. I'm curious when you're going to leave. It looks like that's a good one to end on. You should get the fuck out of here so I can tuck this dick. Hey, me. My dick's hurt again. Hey, me.

Put your dick in your waistband again. In a casino all by yourself taking boner pills hoping to win it big that reminded me someone did write in and asked if I was going

to see Megadeth over in Seattle a couple weeks ago a couple weeks ago yeah i'm going oh i thought you meant they emailed you a couple weeks ago that they did but that was also the concert ah yeah he goes i could see you i'll see you tomorrow night at the megadeth concert i'm like yeah you probably won't but anyway there's really not a whole lot because once i got the dick tucked um i didn't move down with my day no it was it was but i wasn't looking to fuck it was just i just had a dick that had more blood in it than it was supposed to see that's weird because

usually when you have one and like you adjust it because if you kind of do that like there's a good sensation kind of like oh yeah it wasn't really there but i will say the duration of this pill did surprise me the length or the longest or the that's the longevity of it that's what they all say oh yeah it's the length that surprised me yeah uh no but we all day whatever casino flight to fucking austin and then we're ubering this is part of the whole story like when i almost got shot same same thing i'm here ubering from the airport to the wrong house where we almost got shot oh yeah so on the uber ride you know cass and i sit next and she's like you know touch my thigh as we're sitting in the back seat and fucking dick was like son dude still how long how much time it passed it was i mean

it's probably eight, eight hours away. Aren't you supposed to call after four? It wasn't hard the whole time. Right? I don't know. It's your story. Why are you asking me? No, it wasn't hard the whole time.

I was not worried, but I was also surprised that a little, like a little thigh rub and my dick was just like. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. It just started, it started playing fucking saliva boom here comes the boom ready you're not here comes the dick from the south boom yeah the hype music started playing and it stayed and we joked around about it uh but i will i was we were able to take care of it well i was all of a sudden visualizing

Like I just cannot wait to get to this house And unleash the fury Cut my dick Off in your vagina No I was picturing like that But then you get to the wrong house And it's like fuck You have to take a shit

And you're like I hope the door's unlocked Sorry sorry we're at the wrong house Why do you have a boner Long story You ever been to a casino yeah did you take a boner pill while you were there by yourself no no one gets it it's like okay you're not gonna get this isn't gonna make sense get it fucking shoot me it just gets worse and worse are you talking about what are you doing on my lawn i don't know are you a doctor yeah i've had this boner for 10 hours okay i don't know i'm supposed to call supposed to call so i just came to your house i just came on your house yeah i'm about to come

in your house if you let me in anyway that's my casino boner story there's really not that i just thought about it and i realized i haven't shared it on the show. That's funny. All right. Let's move on to some confessions. Okay. I think the first one's probably about a dick. Confessions.

Oh, sorry. Confessions. Take it away. Hey, daddies. Please keep my name anonymous for obvious reasons. Obvious? Obvious. Yeah.

Sexy honk. I know Brian won't fuck that up at least. You bitch. I know they wrote tuck. I'm not sure if that was on purpose. Won't tuck that up at least? Oh. I get it.

I'm reading kind of far away. My eyes are getting blurry. Well, get your computer closer. It'll fall off at least. Oh. I get it. I'm reading kind of far away. My eyes are getting blurry. Well, get your computer closer. It'll fall off the table. Yeah. My boner is keeping it stable. Yeah.

My confession half long. You're just eating a Hungry Man TV dinner off your dick? Is that depression? Yeah. Like, is that the lowest of the low if you're eating some mac and cheese? Yeah. With a Hungry Man balanced on your dick? Watching The Bachelor? Oh, I wouldn't give him a rose.

Eating Cialis and eating a hungry man off your dick? God, what a life. Just back and forth. That's the American dream. All right. Back to you. Yeah. Back to you, Johnny.

Back to you. My confession happened a long time ago, and I figured you sexy fucktards would get a kick out of it. Okay. Back to you, Johnny. Back to you. My confession happened a long time ago and I figured you sexy fucktards would get a kick out of it. Enough with the name calling. Just be nice. So back in high school, I was dating this girl and she was into butt stuff. And God forgot, I forgot how lucky I

was to have such a kinky girl at that age. Anyways, one night we were fooling around in her basement. We were laying down and things started to get frisky. Oh, yeah. One thing led to next and she slammed my member into her poop chute. Come on. So, I remember she slammed my member.

The way sex works, it feels like, I mean, you have to have some part of it. Yeah, you're doing some slamming. Whoa! She's just like, give me that dick! Like it's taking out a retractable hose. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and just jams it. Kind of like getting a colonic. Haven't had one yet. Haven't either.

I'm curious. You're 40, it's coming. Back to you. Back to you! Where was that? Anyway, we were fooling around the basement we're laying down she started getting frisky one thing i'll do next and she slammed my member into her poop shoot she swore her parents wouldn't be home for the night she needs some kinky stuff so we're under the covers doing our thang think laying down on the couch sideways in a cuddling position skin in the cat that's what i think that'sling position. Skin in the cat. Skin in the cat. I think that's what it's called in the Kama Sutra book, yeah.

Okay. Next thing I know, the door to the basement opens. I had little time to react, so we just laid under the covers as still as possible. It's not a Tyrannosaurus Rex, dude. It just sounds like everyday sex. Don't move! Yep. She moves a little bit.

I said, oh great, now I'm coming great now i'm coming wait wait hold on and she goes slower and you're like no oh god wait don't move don't move and she goes like not as fast as i would and just one more you're like god damn it fuck the whole thing up well i'm done moving to make a sandwich. Okay. I mean, I know how this is with kids. They can run in the morning. Her dad comes down, goes to the fridge, and grabs a good old Point Special beer. I don't know what the fuck that is.

I'm willing to try it. Cracks it and sits next to us in the recliner. He said, oh shit, deadliest catch. Nice. Mind if I watch? It's so funny. Yeah. I picture like the...

Yeah. And then sits down and then... Pulls the... No, but... Or the electric one. Oh, yeah. Oh shit, deadliest catch. And he's like the electric one. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Deadliest catch. And he's, like, doing this one.

And then, like, it kind of, like, does that weird, the last move is always a little up and down. The legs come up. Yeah, it's like, and he just goes. Like, one little adjustment, he's like, ah. Oh, shit. Deadliest catch. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Hope I haven't seen this one.

Already opens another beer. Fuck, dad. Just double Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Hope I haven't seen this one. Already opens another beer. Fuck, dad. Just double fisting. Double fisting, watching deadliest catch. All right. Sounds like a hell of a Friday. Back to you. I was shook.

Didn't know what to do, but lay there as still as I could. For what seemed like eons, he chilled next to us. Obviously, after not being stimulated for some time, my member I love how he calls it his member. My member started to soften up a bit. Soften up a bit. The next thing I know she pushed a little bit and my soft wiener started to come out.

She literally shit out my dick! That's fun. We had to lay there for a while longer with my turd cock until her finally der dad finally got up and said, have a good night, you guys. Deadliest catch finished up. That's a wrap for me. Now watch the rest

tomorrow. I T-voted. Alright. He knew what he was doing. From that day forward I literally couldn't look at her dad in the eyes without thinking of deadliest catch in my turd dick. We broke up sometime later and things

never work out the way they should, but I'll never forget it. That's my confession. Sexy honking party whistle. Zach? Keep up the Lord's work and funny ass shit. Later, daddies.

Yeah, you mentioned getting caught and that has happened to Cassie and I. I mean, we didn't get caught, but we were, I mean, same position. Doing a little cat skinning. Yeah, morning. And then the fucking kids came in. Dick's still in. And then we started asking questions about the day. And your kids are older.

Yeah. So we're covered up. Still not moving. We're just like laying there and it's in and all three kids are just standing there at the end of the bed like kind of sitting on the bed too and you're just like get the fuck out of here i don't know how about, whatever you want. It's one thing with, yeah, we have, you know, eight and six. You can weasel your way and lie out of it, getting out of it. But your kids, like, they had to have a feeling. Well, no.

There's mourning. Covers were on. Just snuggle position. All right, I'm going to ask him. Okay. Next time I see him, I'm going to ask him. Pepper, good to see you. Do you remember when your dad was fucking Cassie?

And you were talking about going to the fair? No. Oh. So what else are you up to? So what else is going on? School, huh? School going well? School starts soon, huh?

It starts soon, yeah. What, after Labor Day? She goes, yeah, yeah, I think so. Do you remember when you walked in with Dad fucking Cassie? No. So what are your classes? There's no way. There's no way.

We didn't get caught. Yeah, it's always fun getting your dick shit out. Here's another one. Next day fashion. Okay. And the email, this is all it said in the email, the original email. It said, eight years old, I flooded the church. Intrigued.

You got me. Okay. And I don't remember what I wrote back, but I'm sure it was something like, straight to the point. Would love to hear more. And luckily we did get a follow up. My mom took us with her for some projects she and others were doing on a Monday. That's not church day. No.

Jesus isn't there on a Monday. Mond monday that's not church day no jesus isn't there on a monday monday's that's that's his day of real rest yeah he just yeah he has six days six days a week off yeah five days on sunday is like and it's sometimes like a matinee on saturday yeah i i was washing my hands and playing in the sink when i decided to plug that sink and leave the water trickling. Like the wet bandits. For no reason at all. Home alone? You must have been mad. Yeah.

You must have been mad about something. You're sitting there washing your hands. You're like, dude, fuck this place. Sure this wasn't Paul Reiser? Did you guys... Let me finish the email then I'll ask the question. By the following Saturday,

told you, not only Jesus, everyone's like, I'm not going in there. I got shit to do. By the following Saturday, there were four inches of water in the basement. Not just the basement, but four classrooms, a kitchen,

and a dining room. I've never told anyone till now. What a dick move. Yes. Keep my last name out of it if it makes the show. How about we keep all of your names out of it? Yeah, keep your first name, front name. Anyway. Front name? Keep your front name and of your names out of it? Yeah, keep your first name, front name. Anyway.

Front name. Keep your front name and your back name out of it. I'll give you just my front name. There's no way you're getting my back name. All right. We're looking for back name. Paisley. Front name, Joe.

Here. All right, front to back Did I get the front and back right? Yeah What about the inside name? No, but I mean You guys have come across Sinks This was a

Yeah, I've seen a sink That have gotten stuffed with things And it's overflowing It's super easy I did that with a toilet Yes, you did stinky penguin yeah episode one if you're just tuning in yeah go back to the debut episode yeah uh and what and relive the action adventure stinky penguin action adventure

i know but you come across that and it's really easy to do, whether it's toilet paper or the paper towel, and they just lay it across the one thing and you fuck everything up. Why you decided to do this, I have no idea. Why was there not a single person that came into that church all week? I don't know. Jesus was somewhere else, you know? How come Jesus didn't call me? He's like, hey, joe like you might want to in a dream go check the church check the sink check things happening if jesus talked like

that it'd be so annoying yeah it would what's the meaning of life i would love to tell you never mind fuck god the the sermon on the mount she's up there on top of a hill i don't know what he said up there but you're good to each other man you guys never did the church thing i had to do the church thing growing up zach you did church stuff nothing yeah i did lots of church oh you did oh yeah did you ever fuck off in church a lot of times yes what was your do you have a good fuck off story not really i did rip ass in church one A lot of times, yes. Do you have a good fuck-off story? Not really. I did rip ass in church one time.

Nice. That wasn't great. That's a good spot to do it. I was a little too young and not very confident, so that was a mortifying experience. My mom would take me to dozens of different churches because she didn't really find her religion, I guess, until later. Gotcha. Yeah, I didn't do it. She wanted to go by herself.

She had to take you along. She was going to be a nun forever, and then she was's like maybe i'll be a presbyterian instead so this is the i mean it has nothing really to do about me fucking off in church and i don't even know if we've talked about on the show but sarah johnson who was her name she's in prison for the rest of her life she her parents didn't like who she was dating, said she can't date him anymore. And she, like a sophomore in high school, decided to kill both her parents. You know this person? Just shotgunned them.

I'm getting there. So in church, I vividly remember Sarah was in my first communion at our Catholic church. So going through all that to be like i don't know catholic to be a catholic be able to eat the body of christ um and she was in that and her parents brought in cupcakes and i remember that whole situation and then it was just you know then they were dead yeah then years later she just got pissed at him and shot him. And came to school. And was crying and saying someone came in and murdered her parents. And then all the details started coming out. Yeah, that person was you.

Yeah, so she's fucked. But she was, yeah, she went to school with me. And just shotgunned her parents. One in bed and one in the shower. Which one did she do first? I don't know, I don't remember. Maybe dad dad i think dad was shower mom was bed and just shot them both and brother's fine i've i've seen him a

handful of times since then he's not fine well he's not dead yeah but he's not fun yeah i think he was in college when it happened so oh yeah oh so he's fine he's probably fine okay you want to read our next one god it's that's dark. I know. Let's see. Hey, daddies and Uncle Zeki, even though I'm older than y'all, I have a confession. Well, you can be. Yeah. I mean, technically, you can be.

Older than your dad? Yeah. If your sister has a kid and she's older, you're older than her. You're older than your... Whatever. Hey, daddies. You're dead. Bro. I have a confession. Or stupid...

Well... Not possible. Or stupid mistake or whatever you'd like to classify it as. Back in the mid-90s, our youngest was about one and a half. She loved to watch Barney. Thank you. Who didn't? And I figured out...

She loved to watch Barney videos and had figured out how to use the VCR. For people that don't know what a VCR is... DVD. Yeah, it runs DVDs. My husband and I had at the time explored watching porn. Well, I'm sure you see where this is going. Sure enough, I went to look for my young, innocent toddler

only to find her standing in front of the TV watching porn. She looked at me confused and asked, where's Barney, mama? I felt like a horrible mom, but later laughed about it. Well, that's my bad parenting story, and please leave my front name out of it and my back name. And out of this is I'm already embarrassed enough. Your loving daughter out of all the things she could have said where's barney mama pretty good oh why isn't barney wearing his costume mama fuck you you fuck me let's bring everybody that's that's a pegging community. Everyone has dicks and they put them in your holes.

Let's all come and blow our loads. A little star noise. Where'd Barney go? Barney's balls deep. That's a tough one to recover from. Reminds me of the story we had on the show a while back about um not knowing that the pictures were being sent to your kid's ipad oh yeah did you okay we've we've covered this i i know i haven't shared this story but i'm going to you

right now because it's one of my favorites about me getting caught okay so first of all i want to just well i think we've talked about this porn oh shit i don't think we've talked about it anyway stop me if you've heard this one i am because one of the porn scenes in there i think we talked about it in the bonus part everyone out there listening is going stop i know a newscaster situation there's like a newscaster and they all started fucking on the news desk so this tape we found in my mom's closet so as kids do they the parents are like okay we'll be back in three seconds and you're like okay and you just sit there and the second they leave like he's like run around you just get into all the shit you're not supposed to that's just what kids do yeah and my brother found a porn and he kept it when we kept it from me for a while as he should

i was like fucking nine like man whatever nine to twelve and eventually he had a friend over that was his age and we were left home alone so brother friend me my brother couldn't resist being like look at this look at this cool shit. So now we're all there, and I'm being brought into the porn world. This is before the internet existed. And he grabs his VCR out, and he pops it into the player. And we're watching it. And I have to give this detail because it's so funny to me.

Because I remember watching it. I mean, I couldn't come yet. Like, I wasn't that old. And I remember asking my brother why he was doing that on her stomach. And he told me with 100% confidence it was so that the skin could stretch when the baby grows. Like, he was Wikipedia solid. solid like dead straight ass he goes you idiot you fucking idiot okay one more time for the kids in the back the guy comes on the stomach so the skin can stretch when the baby grows duh idiot yes how much older was he than you three

years so he's 12 we're in that game or in that like that gap where there's a lot of shit that happens between 12 and 15 or 9 and 13 right you start discovering a lot of stuff and you start figuring things out and getting anyway so we're watching this porn and i'm asking that question and we we pop it back out and it's fine we never get caught we just move on with our lives. Weeks later, now I know this porn exists. I have a friend over. So I'm like, well, check this out.

Grab the tape, pop it in the VCR. And as it's in the VCR and we're watching it, I go to push eject and it won't fucking come out. The tape will not come out of the vcr this the the film starts going like falling up and making that film noise like and it won't come out it's stuck in the vcr and we're sitting there fucking with i have a screwdriver oh my god and i have it in the vcr and i'm breaking i'm breaking the tape it's like just death grit just blasting blasting black plastic chunks out the front like just trying to get this motherfucker out my mom pulls into the driveway so i put i put it away

me and my friend we're like panicking but all we can think of is just go outside. So we're outside, and we're shooting hoops in the driveway. And I don't know what prompted my mom to go look at the VCR. I have no idea. But it was not that long. It was like 20 minutes. And I can see her, Joseph! And we both just pause.

She pops out. She goes goes in here now it comes i mean she explained it was a wedding gift and all that kind of stuff but just had to get a new vcr because joey screwdriver fucked everything up popped all the rollers off like tapes smashed up inside of it it was your favorite porn i know and we're poor so it's not like you just go get another run of the mill vcr but like it was a big deal and you couldn't buy that porn anymore yeah she stumbled upon that somehow yeah so anyway that's my memory things that i brought up that scene when we were doing something but i don't know uh but there you go so let's move on to our next confession. This story is about my friend that we'll call Kermit.

We aren't friends anymore. We're not friends anymore. One night, Kermit, I, and a bunch of other friends were partying. This was years ago, and we were all super fucked up. Kermit was smashed and hitting on Tank's girlfriend. Oh, yeah, Tank. Yeah, fucking Kermit and Tank, dude. Tank, do the thing.

Do the thing. Hey, Kermit, do the thing. What? What are you talking about? Ask Tank. So he's hitting on Tank's girlfriend. Tank told Kermit to chill out when Kermit didn't listen. Tank recruited myself and a friend of mine to feed him drinks until he passed out.

Is Tank just the leader? Dude. He goes, listen, here's what new plan. Listen, get him drunk Okay, Tank Whatever Tank says, you fucking do, dude I know Once he passed out, this is K This is fucked up

And he has sent in another email saying like I would never do this shit again Once he passed out, we cut his clothes off Dressed him up like a sandwich Seasoned him Drool over him with marker You know the normal stuff Once he passed out, we cut his clothes off, dressed him up like a sandwich, seasoned him, drew all over him with marker. You know the normal stuff. Yeah, when someone falls asleep, let's make them a sandwich.

That's the first thought I have. Yeah, I'm like, he would look so good as a sandwich. Okay, this is, we also shoved a battery into his asshole. That's so funny. Double A. Double A battery. Using a traffic cone as a fake dick. What?

This is a porn i would have watched the battery for sure penetrated and inserted it was glorious but now i feel kind of bad like that's that's major health dude shoving a battery in some guy's dick well don't don't hit on tank's girlfriend yeah shouldn't hit on tank's girlfriend i mean he should have stopped hitting on Tank's girl. He never would have been an Energizer sandwich. I get it. Oh, yeah, when he woke up, he cried and took a cold shower. Yeah. Yeah, I fucking bet.

That is a confession. And then had to shit out the battery. He's like, no, we can just do the normal stuff, like draw on him. Like draw a dick on him. Fake mustache. We put whipped cream in his hand and tickled his face. Yeah. And then we also put a battery in his hand and tickled his face. Yeah. And then we also put a battery in his ass with a traffic cone.

Yeah. It's like, hold on. There's where the line is. Wait. Yeah, we found it. What was that last part? What? The whipped cream thing?

The whipped cream thing. No, what was just after that? Oh, we put a double A battery in his ass with a traffic cone. That one. That one, yeah. Can you elaborate on that a little bit? Can you do that one a little bit more while I put these handcuffs on you? Pretty fucked up. All right, hit that a little bit do that one a little bit more while i put these handcuffs on you pretty fucked up all right hit that next one get that another confession so when i was in high school i got my first job at a local fast food restaurant it was legit the

closest place i could work to my parents house so it was convenient and a lot of young high school kids like me worked there sucky thing is about it was when I went to my particular high school about six miles away. And this fast food place was literally right next door in the other high schools. High school nearby our sports rival school. Gotcha. So basically none of the kids went to fast food place all knew. Fuck. Let me try it again.

Yeah. So basically none of the kids that went to the fast food place all the time knew me okay but i guess at least one fucking kid went to that school thought he knew me well enough to assume i was gay and yell things at me every time he could through the little drive-thru i was gay and still am but i love it. He didn't know that. Fucking nailed it. I wasn't out at the time. And I gave zero indication to anyone that I like to be treated like crap. That's true.

Yeah. I like to be treated like crap. Yeah. Okay. Fuck, I didn't admit when I was gay, but I don't like to be treated like crap. Yeah. He went through the drive-thru every fucking day

and ordered the same goddamn thing. Some stupid burger in a specific milkshake. Let this might be going yeah at our little southern fast food middle of nowhere restaurant we hand mixed all the milkshakes a little milk a few scoops of blue ball ice cream blue bell ice cream blue ball hey that's something different uh depending on the shake you know and then mix it in the blender thing and boom done. Well, that particular day in question, ass hat came through the drive-thru. I could recognize his voice. So I immediately went into an internal panic mode like I always did because I knew what

he was going to do when he got to the window and the other workers started getting the, the order together. Since we already knew what he was going to get, I started to make the shake. And while scooping the ice cream, I noticed a big, thick, juicy spider hanging from just above the enclosed ice cream counter area. Yay!

So I scooped him right out, plopped a scoop of ice cream right on top of him, and proceeded to blend the unlucky eight-legged bastard into the shake of a two-legged bastard. Just about the time I got done with the milkshake, I was about to hand out the window to the guy. Brett was his name.

Fuck you, Brett! He made eye contact with me and yelled out like he always did with me. We came through. Oh, hey, Cameron. Faggot! Gosh. Thanks. Sounds like you deserved a little more than a spider and please keep in mind oh yeah uh please keep in mind when people yell like that the drive-thru window their voices carried all the way through the dining area and everyone always looked up

and started turning their heads and wondering what was going on he did it because he knew it was embarrassing to be called a faggot at your job when you couldn't just run away i don't know much but i do know one thing nobody likes it so i'm gonna do it uh and i had to continue serving him every time he came through so yeah but uh but at least that day he had a little extra protein to slurp down and i honestly wish i could have told him like halfway through this uh through his shake that i put a spider in it that guy was always such an asshole for to me for no reason literally don't know him at all and we went to the others uh he went to the other school so yeah that's my confession or at least one of them i know i'll have some more juicy ones for y'all

in the future just want to do a shorter one this time shorter brothers from other mothers so the first time i read that um i i was hoping it was going to be much worse than that. And then when I got done reading it, I had a thought. What? What if he should have jizzed into this thing? Yeah. And then he could have told him that he chewed on his cum. It's like, who's the faggot now?

Right. You ate my cum that's a clint eastward or it's like a one-liner back yeah who's gay now who's gay now faggot what do you mean yeah what a dick yeah who's gay who's gay now faggot punk punk you punk but that is that okay terrible treatment trying to he deserved this fighter sorry that you had to go through that but i'm glad you got your revenge and it sounds like you are living a fine life yeah i wonder what brett's up to you know it's probably ordering the same stupid burger yeah he's some little he's like 50 year old dude now some 17 year old give me a cheeseburger faggot yeah it's. It's so bad. Still doing the same gag. So bad.

Here's a dumb gag. You know, they say vengeance is a dish best served cold. Yeah. With a spider in it. All right. So we have one last confession. And this is one of the best drunk stories I have ever heard in my life. Okay.

Are you ready? Yep. Okay. Are you ready? Yep. Okay. The year is 2011. We were sophomores in high school. A lot of high school. Yeah. A lot of high school is coming out this week.

Did you ever have that one weird friend in high school that hung out with all the high school kids who was actually like 25 or something that bought booze for everyone? You know the guy. Yeah. Well, me and a couple buddies were partying at his house. For context, he lived in an apartment in the middle of a parking lot. Across the street was a Bojangles. Delicious biscuits.

And in the same parking lot was a funeral home. Burnt biscuits. I'm getting some great context there. Directly on the other side of the funeral home. Burnt biscuits. Directly on the other side of the funeral home was a mexican restaurant think pretty rural south white trash town close enough to hit a dairy queen with a rock anyway let's call weird older friend joey we were playing nintendo 64 and boozing pretty hard at

his place but then something unexpected happened we ran out of booze what are we gonna do this is about 1 a.m. Enter Lucas. He was the front man of the band I played drums for. He was also older, and I was very young and eager to make an impression on everyone. Gas stations and liquor stores were obviously closed, so he pulled me aside and said I needed to find a way to get more booze. I did not... To you. Yeah.

We're all counting on you, brother. We're all counting on you. G.I. Joe! I did not know how I'd do that, but I told him, consider it done. When we talked about this story, or when we talk about this story now, we refer to him as the worm of the deception and me as the mole. How I became the mole will come later. Me and my idiot friend, let's call him Jacob, set out on our mindless mission. We walked behind the funeral home and wandered up to the storage building

attached to the Mexican restaurant. It was miraculously unlocked. In our drunken stupor, we went inside and found where they stored all the extra chairs, tables, and extra restaurant equipment. We promptly decided to start smashing tables and throwing chairs, as one does.

Oh my God. I can't drink these. Four-legged fuck. Just smashing shit. How are we supposed to drink a chair, Jacob? How do you get there? You're like, let's go find some booze. Or some tables.

Fucking kill them. So they smash them all. We promptly decided to smash them. Upon throwing a chair, I busted a hole in the wall. Upon closer inspection, peeking through the wall, or peeking through the hole in the wall, I saw a glorious sight. Through the hole, I saw it into the Mexican restaurant attached. I had a clear view of a fully stocked bar. That's when I was visited by the Good Idea Ferry.

Back to Jacob's truck, we went to fetch two Bowie knives. Upon returning to the storage room jacob was unfortunately too drunk to stand up and puked in the corner and fell asleep on a broken table jacob scalpel fucking hate chairs it's just all over his i got vomited i got the table. So he's on his own. I guess I'm on my own. But I was on a mission. Through this small hole, I made a bigger hole with a bowie knife, which I promptly crawled through.

I fell through the hole into the lobby of the restaurant, smashing onto a table and rolling onto the floor. Through my quick wit, I promptly pulled my button-up shirt over my face to protect myself from the camera. Smart. Good job. It's smooth. But I picture him doing it too late. Oh, yeah. He's like, fuck, and he's sitting there in front of the camera and he's like, shit.

Oh, shit. And he pulls it over his face. When I turned around, I saw the wall that I came through had a big mural of a Mexican art with a donkey that i had nicely hacked an idiot-sized hole through i hopped the bar i put my head under the beer taps and guzzled as much as i could oh my god then i went into the back found a couple kegs promptly ripped them out of the walls and threw them across the kitchen denting sinks with the air hoses flying. Fuck, what a disaster.

Where's the booze? God. Fuck. He's on a rampage. The booze is in here, but it's metal. Just losing his shit. I came back to the bar. Blaming the restaurant.

What? Essentially blaming the restaurant. Yeah. Yeah, fuck it. They put all the good stuff in the metal thing. I came back to the bar and grabbed as many liquor bottles as I could hold. By this time, Jacob was awake and squinting at me through the donkey hole. Donkey hole's got to be added to the daily garbage. What are you doing? There any being so loud in there i'm trying to sleep

you got any chairs and tables in there you need me to fucking sleep on no i started handing him liquor bottles and shimmied my way back through the hole back to joey's apartment we. Our return was met with much praise and not too many questions. We celebrated by getting completely blackout drunk all night, cutting donuts in the funeral home parking lot in our band van with stickers of our band name all over it.

We finished out the night by wandering across the street to Bojangles at 6 a.m. getting biscuits. I was covered in drywall dust and used my credit card, then smashing empty tequila bottles In the Bojangles parking lot Holy fuck dude

Fucking love these biscuits My last memory of the night Was a much older guy that looked a lot like Dave Grohl Projectile vomiting on my chest Dude what the fuck I opened my eyes I know Yeah what the fuck i open my eyes i know oh my life i hope i open my eyes in the morning lying on the floor with no shirt

when i see the floor littered with empty tequila bottles slowly the memories of what what i had done had come back to me it was i was in an absolute panic i went to the front porch and was terrified or horrified. The parking lot was full of police and blacked out SUVs. This was the only apartment in the parking lot. And there was obviously vomit around the sides of the porch everywhere. I casually gathered my things and walked between the police cars to my band van, which we left the doors open. Just straight ahead.

Waved and smiled at the cops, hopped in and drove home. He's like, hey, must have been a, oh, you got a real case on your hand. I still had a crazy night, huh? It looks like you had a full day at work ahead of you,

right? Whew. You guys see a button up t-shirt in there. Yeah, I love it. Vomit on it. Button up t-shirt with vomit on it anywhere. Let me know.

Anyway, I'm just going to close the doors of this van. That's the the end of the story i will never understand how i was not immediately caught by uh not caught but i do not question fate don't judge me i'm not as much of a fucking idiot anymore love you guys hi uncle zach so is he never never caught no what a shitty police job i don't know like They left evidence everywhere. Jacobs is still in there? Yeah. No shit. Where is he at? I don't know. He must work here.

Just the worst police work? How'd they get into it? I mean, my first guess would be the donkey hole. But let's not jump to conclusions. I don't know. It seems way too obvious. What about the trail of tire screeches and tequila bottles back to this house? And vomit.

And vomit. No. I don't think that's it. I feel like they're trying to throw us off the set. Trying to throw us off. Yeah. I've been on a case like this before. This is classic bait and switch.

Bait and switch. That's what they're doing to us. Don't waste your time. What about the empty van? What about the dead guy? No. Bait and dead guy no bait and switch yeah i've seen it you'll get it rookie yeah hit some on the back yeah all right well whoever sent that in amazing stuff all right let's do some good news you ready for it yeah

so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't Yeah! I love the idea or the picture of like getting into that Mexican restaurant and bust it open, all these kegs. And you're like, you're grabbing the top, like fumbling. How do I get in? You're trying to poke the little top. And you're like, yeah! And he's throwing it against the sink and the air hose, like whipping around. And he's just standing there.

He's going, no! I mean, that's pure chaos, dude. Yeah. And he's like, what about this one? And he's, like, biting the top of it, this huge keg. Jacob's, like, squinting through the hole. What's going on out there? God, you make a lot of racket.

I can't get in! The hose is, like, The donkey hole's too small. The donkey hole's too small. The donkey hole's too small. Can you gape the donkey hole? God. What a fucking shit show, dude. Gape the hole!

He's like, it's in the can! What? It's metal! Gape it! Help me! Gape it! Tape it! Ga! Ga! Gape it! Help me! Gape it! Tape it! Ga!

Ga! Gape it! I can't hear you! He's fucking hoses! You hurt your nose? God damn it! How? He's reaching over the bar, just like...

Just doing that, and he's like... It just like... Just doing that. He's like... It's like hulking up. Yeah. Anyway. I love that that's like 12 felonies. I know. Excellent.

Oh, God, dude. That's like ruining your whole life in jail. Yeah, exactly. Not anymore. He's fine now. Yeah. Well done, sir. Well done.

You did it. All right. Give us some good news. All right. Squirrels were struggling in a heat wave, so she made them a squirrel spa. Love it. Brianna Elwell never liked rodents, but after it became clear the neighboring squirrels were suffering from the heat, she began to warm to them.

I think she's going to warn them. Hey, guys, it's getting hot out here. I would have said they started to think they're pretty cool. What the fuck makes a squirrel a rodent? They're not rodents. No, they're friends. They're buddies. Don't they come from the rodent family?

Absolutely not. They come from a gift. Living in New Braunfels, Texas, she maintains a sort of squirrel resort where the arboreal rodents can stop by, cool down, grab a bite, and lounge until the heat of the day passes. It all started when Elwa was playing with her toddler out on the deck. A mother or two left a fan on where they were finished. A local squirrel came to realize the value of a fan

and plopped itself on the railing to cool down. There was a drought at the time, and she remembered that the animal looked full of relief. So the next morning, she put new batteries in the fan and switched it on again. This time, two squirrels came to visit. after she put a video of the rodents on her Tik TOK account. The companies began sending her free fans to help cool more squirrels down leading to a totally new and unforeseen hobby.

As far as far as Elwell was concerned, a general management of a squirrel resort squirrels, uh, building little tables and attaching them to the set of trees, squirrels can now stay outside Elwell's house and bask in the breeze of fans while munching on nuts, corn, and fruit frozen in ice cubes and a must in over 100 degree Fahrenheit heat. Look at the picture of that squirrel.

I know. I love know. That is relief. That is plop. If you say plop, that is a plop. Just his little legs are hanging off the side of the railing, just laying directly in the fan. She placed logs between the trees to act

as paths, built a courtyard for them to stay in, designed specialized feeders, brought some stylish wooden decor from the thrift stores and area, and even hooked up a water fountain. So, the craziest thing is, every day... Bears come. Well, so, every day

she lugs the whole resort complex out around 50 feet from the deck and sets it all up. Needing two hours to finish the job, she takes it down every night to ensure the dogs that frolic around her five-acre property don't destroy it. So she gets up every morning and goes and sets that up for

two hours, whatever it takes. Suggestion. She didn't even like squirrels to begin with. She's like, ah, fuck, find these stupid things and eat me. Seems like squirrels can climb. She needs to climb once and then set up that resort one time. Yeah, out of the way of the dogs. Out of the way of the dogs Out of the way of the dogs Yeah

Save you a lot of time That's so nice Yeah Yeah That is very thoughtful And very kind Look at this video right here Okay

Look at this Are they having funsies They're Let's see What are we watching It's one of her TikTok videos Oh I don't know why there's no sound

But Check this out. When the squirrel. Damn, that's a gourmet. Yeah, dude. That is a tiny picnic table with a giant piece of corn. It's. How much fun is that?

Okay, yeah. Okay. But right here. Yeah. Look at him. Dude, his tail's going to get caught in that fan. He's got a swamp butt going. That's good.

That reminds me. I miss my little pet squirrel. Roger? I haven't seen Roger T. Hatt. Rogers? I haven't seen Roger T. Hatt in a bit. I'm assuming a little girlfriend. Because another one showed up, then we'd feed them both and they would chase each other around the tree and

they'd disappear and then they would come back down and eat together. But then they haven't come back down. Maybe they had to get a bigger home. Had babies and they're like, they started fighting. There wasn't enough rooms. He was like, I'm going to the bar with the guys. I'm going out

eating some fermented fruit. Again? Again? Always with the fermented fruit. Always fermented fruit with the guys i'm going out eating some fermented fermented fruit again you always always with the fermented fruit with the boys yeah well leave me home with the kids leave me home with this little shit just all smashed in there cute little baby squirrel don't yell at me in front of the kid i'll be be back at nine. You know it was my busy time of the year? Collecting all these nuts. So you could be fed. Look, so you could be fat and I could be drunk.

What? What? Yeah, what? Yeah, say what again? I'll drink and I'll eat another fruit for you. See ya, Becky. All right, let's take off and see what somebody sent us that they found on the internet.

Okay. Because it is a neat little idea. Yeah, okay. Fucking dead. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool

or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Oh, am I doing it? No, I got it. I just want to make shit awkward for a bit.

All of us in the metal, all of us, and a lot of metal, if you've ever written metal, like a lot of tasty-ass riffs, are open strings, and nothing really. I mean, you have like the. And there was a band that took this to the next level. And it doesn't always work, but it's worth checking out. So this was sent in by our son, Tyler.

Says, hey, you bastards. Hey, you bastards. Oh, we are bastards. I never thought of that. You know who your daddy is. He's just not around anymore. Well, yeah, but he doesn't. I mean, he's dead. You don't have a dad, right? You're a bastard. I think you have to not know who your dad is He's just not around anymore Well yeah but he doesn't I mean he's dead You don't have a dad right?

You're a bastard? I think you have to not know Who your dad is to be a bastard Oh okay I'll take that Hey you Bastards I know you guys

Like some good rock music There's a band called Small Town Titans Which I had heard of Before Awesome band Who make guitar riffs From product barcodes

Will it riff? They call it Will it riff It's pretty it Will It Riff. It's pretty cool. Their music ain't too bad neither. Ain't too bad neither. Check them out. I'll add a link to their Facebook page, and you can check out their videos.

Hope you find them somewhat entertaining. So if you're not in the music world, you might not understand exactly how this works. So there's something called guitar tabs. So instead of reading music on your traditional music sheet the little the little the staffs the little notes whatever so like it has actual music notes they can put just a number down and then on the guitar fretboard that tells you where to put your finger right so when it comes to metal you can it can just be one number and you can turn that into a riff if you just use the lowest string.

Fuck yeah, bro. I feel like we just had to explain that. Because you'd be like, how the fuck could you just read a barcode and have it be music? So it's telling you where to put your finger, whether the number is zero through eight or whatever, however high it goes. So here's the little compilation. Let's grab this baby and take a listen to some of these. Oh, let me make sure the volume is fucking on. Here we go.

So this is, I'm going to restart. This is Mug Roopier. Wait, riff? Here we go. Turn that volume up. Why is it? I already turned it up. Why isn't that fucking working?

Oh, here we go. Mug! Roopier! All right, let's see what the next one is. Will it riff? That one's riffed. Guinness barcode. No. Did not riff. Did not riff. See what the next one is. And then they rate it.

Will it riff? Peeps. Peeps barcode and they take obviously some liberties with the the rhythm and the timing because will it riff five hour energy let's see what five hour energy is then we'll get off of this here you go. Ooh. Anyway, you get the idea. So there are a lot of bands figured out this kind of stuff where, you know, they... So they can just repeat forever?

Huh? They can just repeat it forever like a little ploy? Yeah, but it like it brings... Because the first time I saw those guys was from that. And then I was like, all right, I'll go check out their band then. You know, it's like... And you may like the band you may not but it like it sucks you in at the very least and they've figured out ways to uh get you to attract people in and then it's like all right go check that out now we have those we have those guys on scat tunes they do a fucking i

believe they do an awesome version of the grinch that stole christmas oh yeah all heavy yeah and the guy sings like super low and it's fucking awesome he's also got that old school high yeah that high progressive metal there it is anyway go check that out small town titans is the name all right we have one email this week. Let's rip it. Zach! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. Speaking of that, I was just in Astoria. What? I was just in Astoria. What's that? Oregon, where Goonies was filmed. Oh, with the thing in the arch. Hey! Yeah. Did you go, with the thing in the arch. Hey! Did you go there?

The thing in the arch? Yeah, it's the arch on the beach. What? The iconic beach scene with the arch, the rock arch on the beach? Is that Historia? What the fuck? Isn't Goonies on the beach with a giant rock arch?

I don't know. There's a pirate ship at at the end but there's not a lot of beach and goonies i don't think yeah like the final scene when they get yeah dude it's been so long i don't remember isn't there the arch i mean that makes sense now i don't know about the arch that doesn't scream are you talking about cannon beach haystack rock or what are you i don't know man i thought there was a i thought there was an arch in Goonies. Of all the takeaways from Goonies, that's yours. There was a really nice piece of architecture in that shit. What I loved most about it was the natural rock formations in the background. I'm pretty sure that's like Canaan Beach or something. Indian Beach?

Yeah. I don't even know why we're doing this. I don't know. There it is. Yeah, Goonies Rock Arch. It has the hole in it. I'm sure that's where the pirate ship went through. Okay, I'm not crazy. You it is. Yeah, Goonies Rock Arch. It has the hole in it. I'm sure that's where the pirate ship went through. Okay, I'm not crazy.

You did it. All right, moving on. Read an email. What was I saying? What are we doing? Okay, Honk Daddies. This is from our googly-eyed daughter, Sarah. Okay.

Okay. So this is, there's a lot in this one. As far as a lot of emotions in this one. And it comes from us talking about putting the googly eyes on just random shit. Yeah. Whether it's cute or funny. Whether it's a Roomba or on the oven. Whatever makes a face.

On the front of the train. Alright. I'm your UK-based black sheep daughter. Black sheep. Sorry, that's a skit's cut. Black sheep. I've been listening from the start, but first time writing in. All you other googly-eyed wannabe comedians can stand down.

I got this. Bold. With a real googly-eyed leader, please stand up. Please stand up. I went through the phase of always having some googly eyes in my pockets. I'd stick them on things in the supermarket just to keep myself from killing all those middle-of-isle let's-stop-and-have-a-gander, oh god, I want to murder those people.

Puts them on fruit and has a little sticker that says, I have a secret. That'd be funny. Put me to your ear, I have a secret. And you're just like, does it? Got me again. Got me again. Every day with these fucking bananas. Well, during this phase of my life my dad and

husband had both come through battling cancer different cancers first my dad then my husband it was a wild five years sounds like it i've always had a dark sense of humor so when my dad fell ill again with pancreatitis he was in an induced coma on life sport with a 20 chance of surviving. It was horrible to see him with his eyes closed, all helpless, etc. So, I did what any other sick black sheep would do. While my sisters distracted the nurses, I popped on a couple of eyes and ta-da! The situation looked a lot less shitty.

And she sent us a picture. Fuck. lot less shitty and she sent us a picture fuck it's like a bird it does look like a bird it's like a big bird eye doesn't it yeah but then the thing over the nose it gives a little yeah so he's got a tube in his throat a pad wrapped around him hooked up to everything a tube up his nose and then fucking googly eyes on god damn it how do you you can't beat that no imagine like walking through like a i don't know an open casket funeral and you're like bye and just just stick a couple fucking googly eyes on there remember when they used to do they used to put like quarters or whatever over the eyes? Somebody did that. What a waste of money.

Yeah. And then you came after that and just plopped some googly eyes on top of it. Took the quarters and put the googly eyes? Uh-huh. You just came out up. Yeah, you did. Those googly eyes cost you like 20 cents. And you got 50 cents.

That was called a profit. It's called a business plan. Entrepreneurship. You've got a bright future ahead of you. You was called a profit. It's called a business plan. Entrepreneurship. You've got a bright future ahead of you. You can't beat that. There's more to the email. It's not there, but what she did say is that he's

sick. They found some stuff again. Well, he survived, and he laughed about it. He laughed about the picture of having the googly eyes on there yeah but then she did say that uh they found some lumps again or something so i told her the bigger the lump the bigger the googly eyes she's gonna need yeah and that we would be thinking about just huge uh but when this was sent in i did think about i mean it's again dark dark humor, but I, like, I showed up to, you know, see my dad or my dad's

body. Right. When he passed away, um, from cancer, fuck cancer. And I thought about it cause I was in there by myself, you know, whatever. I did my thing, talk to him. And the last thing I did, if I just put, I just went, and then it was like, all right, you guys are, you guys can come get them. And they walk in there and he just got fucking googly eyes on. Who was the last one in here? He was last one in here. Like, no,

no, he's like this when I found him. Oh my God. He's alive. It was like this when I found him. Oh my God. He's alive. He just shake him a little bit in the eyes.

Like, Oh, he's fine. False alarm. Everybody. He's fine false alarm everybody he's fine family comes running back in what what his eyes are open not the time but pretty funny gotta let some time pass yeah yeah i gotta go put him on him now like now it'd be funny this is the only way it works it's the only way it works gotta wait a little bit actually i, if I put him on his tombstone, it would probably be funny. Yeah.

See, that would be funny. Mm-hmm. All right. We should wrap this thing up? Yeah. All right. We're going to get after the bonus content. Reminder of buying merch.

Any merch bought before Labor Day, or Labor Day is the final day. We'll give you Labor Day, too. Yeah, you can have it. If you've bought merch throughout the month of August, you are entered into a raffle for a chance to win a ScatCast Can You Don't crossover exclusive deluxe hyper turbo cart match. Yes. I mean, we got one right here.

I'll just read the name. The complete base set gold rookie special classic series Titan T 206 X and metal carts the Amazon Yeah, but anyway, you have a chance to win that what's the value? 700 what is the actual value we sold them for? $69.99. Okay, so you have a chance to win that free set just by buying anything a can you don't podcast comm If you want to get the bonus content subscribe to us on Patreon. You'll find a link in the episode description. We have a lot of fun over there. Of course, we have the socials and the video version of the show.

And then something you want to see on the show, the email for that is heyguys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. And then speaking of Scatcast, go check out everything Uncle Zach is doing, which is a lot. Like making cards and video games. Video games now, yeah. Dude, I don't know what the fuck is going on over there. It's going to be a cool three years. Scatcast.com,

that's scat with a K and then thanks to our babysitters that moderate the Canyon Hill Playground which has like 20 fucking 8,000 people in there. Alright,

you ready to wrap it up? Yeah! Blow your horn, Zach, and then push the button. I guess that doesn't translate to audio, does it? No, a head nod doesn't do it.

Good God. Wrap it up already huh? Joe I have a fact for you. I love them. Did you know that platypuses which I don't know if are they platypi? Platypuses sweat milk. Did you know that?

Can you consume it? Yeah. Like you're lost, and you're just like, baby, we're saved. Why? I found a platypus. Lick it. What? You're just like, just all dirty, overgrown hair, and you're just licking a platypus in front of your kids?

Everybody line up. Come on. Everybody get some. Everyone gets three licks of the platypus in front of your kids. Everybody line up. Come on, get. Everybody get some. Everyone gets three licks of the platypus. Bring the cookies. Everybody gets three licks. One, two. Hey, save some for the rest of us.

Does a quick one like, God damn it. That was four. Ezra, that was four platypus licks. We need this platypus milk for tomorrow. Ration the platypus licks. We need this platypus milk for tomorrow. Ration the platypus milk. The reason they do that is

it's a mammal, but they don't have nipples, Greg. Got it. I just watched that movie recently, by the way. They secrete milk through their mammary glands onto the skin. So then the babies just get on there and start lapping it up. What?

Gross. I just love the idea in their evolution. At some point, they're just like, fuck nipples. Yeah. We don't need these things. Well, half our population has nipples and we don't use them. Oh, yeah. But you know why?

No. Because you know why. Because we're all girls at one point And then it's like we want a dick Like it's like a little dick checkout Like you're going through and it's like do you want a dick You're like yep Too late stuck with the nipples

Next Like well I wanted a dick Why do I get the nipples It's hard to explain I don't know We just put the nipples on too soon Well, it's hard to explain. I don't know. We just put the nipples on too soon. Can I take them off?

Why did you lead with the nipples? You shouldn't have to lead with the nipples. Just put the nipples on later. Maybe I have to redo the whole factory. That's how evolution works, though. If it benefits you, you keep it. And sometimes if it doesn't benefit you, it just doesn't get rid of it. Just imagining humans secreting milk and babies licking moms.

Yeah. Crawling over and sucking their ankle. All right, time to feed. You stick your foot out. I bet you behind the knee would be a good spot. For a nipple? Mm-hmm. All right, let's move on to the bonus stuff.

All right. All right. You got to do the thing. You can't just nod. Okay.