Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Bass Drum. Colorblind. Fish Tank. Butt Breathing.

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

Have you ever voted on behalf of your dead mom, got caught, and were forced to write a ten-page essay on what an idiot you are? Would you rather just go to jail or write the essay? Let's talk about that, colorblindness making you feel completely useless, running into a blind person in the hallway, carrying a bass drum around with you everywhere you go, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!XO- Casserole says Hi! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/0ITCBFszcoASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Base drum, colorblind, fish tank, butt breathing. Get the tits out, throw the braway. Let's just get loose today. Damn. Let's get! For 176. Are you saying you want to strip down? I just want people to have some fun today.

The song, the intro song jacks me up pretty good. I'm all jacked up. Yeah. I want to hear it. I'm all boned up. I'm all bog boned up. That's good. You get it.

So everyone out there listening has got to get naked. Is that you're saying? Sure. If you're at work or at home, get naked. Get naked. See what happens. What's the worst that could happen? Get naked.

Remember there's cameras everywhere. Yeah. Tommy Tommy I kind of do Get naked Yeah I think I skipped I heard a little bit And I was like that's enough

Dude methods of mayhem There's some good songs on there Is it? Send in your content suggestions We do need more I was an abrupt ending to the sound bed Yeah what the hell The fuck?

I said yeah It wasn't me It was like nope It was like a record scratch We do need a lot more Petty beefs you guys Yeah We have some in there

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at the live pond events that we do by the way the last one was super fun Uncle Zach made an appearance we got to get him there every time yeah live hangout those uh the next one's coming up Tuesday November 4th 7 p.m.

right there in the Patreon we just we just see what happens that's the whole point of that um but We're doing the honkathon. It keeps growing every single week. At $450, Zach is going to get his own camera.

Why, though? But why? Because it's fun to see your face. 475, that's a hot air balloon ride, and then working our way slowly up, at least for the goals that we have right now, the extra Patreon-only exclusive episode is the 500 mark.

I want to hang out with you guys an extra time a month. That sounds awesome. It does not fun. You know, well, we all, also did during there is we exclusive merch some while we're live and then we take it down things yeah things were popping up and just making funny ass t-shirts and they were sold only during the uh the live broadcast and we took them off but that was a lot of fun so uh people getting i don't know a handful of those shirts are out there somewhere can we talk about the the hog bone shirt or what would say

keep it in a secret what would say the 80% oh 80% hog 30% bone yeah i just giggled someone who was that i forget oh man fuck i know they were throwing ideas they had like three or four shirts in there for that time shut out to who was it for that uh and speaking of the merch store only a couple days left for the can you don't Halloween sale satanic or

satanic Hispanic is what it was that makes sense uh the entire store right now until midnight on Halloween is 25% off the new joey hogbone bar and grill shirts in there and then we also left one of the shirts that we had during the live pond

the it says ask me about my amazing timeshare opportunity so that's in there right now but 25% off at can you don't podcast.com just use promo code hogbone 25 at checkout I can't believe that I mean it's just so funny to say we do have a quick little merch thing

or mail thing check this out here you can open it up but it says Uncle Zach thought you could use one of these as all people can I use this as my ringtone for years because I'm easily amused

Maybe a duet of party horn and screaming goat The mind boggles enjoy Lynn H P.S, big love to daddy's Blyan and Joe Hell yeah, bro. Thanks Lynn So does this push down on it? Yeah, that's good. That's great. Yeah. I'm gonna put it right up here with the Mexican tuna. Yeah, we have a Mexican can tuna.

What the hell's going on in the show? I use that sound effect, probably one out of every three skitskats. Oh, good, good. Well, there it is. Now, make its way over to the Can You Don't podcast universe. And this is the last call, November 1st, the Can You Scat Fest. Get your tickets right now. Just head over to...

Where do they go and what do they do? Scatcast.com. Right at the top of the page, you can jump in there. It's 35 for VIP and it's 20 for just getting in. So cheap as fuck, come hang out with this for eight hours. Yeah, you can check out everything that's happening there. But that is coming up this weekend at the time that this episode comes out. And we do have a completely unhinged girth, totally hog-boned, fully flung, sweaty dick on the show today.

That's a fucking meaty bastard right there. If you're hanging out with a dude who describes, like, his dick or boner as a completely unhinged girth, are you intrigued or immediate red flag? I mean, if you describe it your own package like that, then... Unhinged girth? Yeah. Whoa. Whoa, buddy. Best friends.

Best friends. Get in here. All right. Let's get the show rolling. I want to know... Sorry, that was a lot out the game. Real quick, I want to know if anybody has referred to their boners a hogbone yet. Oh, yeah.

Like, I want to know Saturday night, you're taking your lady out to dinner. Or even the action of, like, you want a hogbone? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's pretty clear what that means. Like I just picture someone's sitting down A nice dinner They're about to get that hog bone

And let me get home Get home and hog bone Mm-hmm Home and hog bone It's live laugh love Home is Live laugh hog bone is Live laugh hogbone

I like the Incursive Home is where the hogbone is Home is where the hogbone This doesn't even be like Print All right let's get going here Zach you know what to do

Push it! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. I think I want one of those, like the, just the wood thing of our kitchen. It's like, this house is full of shenanigans or whatever. And hogbone? Yeah. That would make your new kitchen look just perfect.

That's what you need to dress up your new kitchen. This family operates on hogbone and Jesus. Coffee and hogbone? You know, one of those signs. it's like we we uh we accept all what is it we like black no shirt no service no hogbone all right uh so we have a combo this week between our sons andrew and seth okay okay Seth's involved i mean even Andrew too you know it's gonna be a fun one yeah but would you rather have to always carry around an instrument that you have no clue how to play

or always have to hold the nose of the person you're talking to while you talk so not them because it'd get a little nasly if they were talking yeah you don't want to you're like what'd you say is well you're holding their nose so this is only while you're talking you have to reach over and give their nose a little pinch

I mean so you've got to be reasonably close to that person yeah you got to be within honking distance yeah I mean we got to be at least twice as close as we are yeah unless you're talking to Pinocchio and he keeps a lion you're like come on, you're just 14 feet away, Pinocchio. He's like, I'm telling the truth. I mean, he just keeps pushing you backwards because you're holding on to his fucking schnaz. Oh, man. At that point, you're just gripping it like a fucking hogbone, too.

What does, what does life look like having to carry around an instrument you don't know how to play? I mean, if it's like a trombone. Yeah, it's the bigger the instrument, the bigger the problem. For sure. Are we talking like a harmonica? guy you just slip it in your pocket i know does this instrument like does it change i think it has to have a carrying case or something like it's got to be a little annoying you're wearing a tuba at a funeral yeah and everyone's like what's he can walk it in and the people are you're waiting in line to go sorry for about your loss you're just carrying this tuba tube out of the just around your belly at all sorry for your loss

no idea how to play obviously everybody's going to ask you to play it yeah play me a song in that tuba else it's an instrument people hate yeah like a banjo you're still going to get

I mean the right crowd's going to really want that banjo to go I don't know who you're you realize you're fucking talking to I hate a banjo I love banjo You're talking to a guy who loves bluegrass, dog. I mean, forever tainted by my favorite flyer of all time, and you know which one that is, which is the, like... Flyer, like Philadelphia? No.

Somebody made these, and I wanted to print them out and put them around. Yeah, he says, interested in learning how to play the banjo, and then all the pull-off tabs on the flyer can say, no thanks. Yeah. It's the bad. No, thanks. So good. But, of course, people are... social environments, there's also the assumption that if you are carrying this thing around,

you clearly have the skills to play it. It's that important to you. You're ready to go at any time with you and your clarinet. French horn. Violin. Saxophone. Trombone. I mean, all of that.

I would say, well, okay. I mean, even just a guitar. A drum. Yeah. And the one that you strap on. Yeah, the marching band one. Your marching band drum. If somebody asks you, just fake an injury.

Ah, my tracheal. It's out of tune. Then tune it. I'm out of tune. But if you play like the bass drum in the marching band, all you got to do is go, bong, bong, boom, boom. Like, anyway, you can do that. But you have to carry it around. You do, but if someone asks you to play it, you're like, sure, dude.

Bong. You probably put some snacks in there, though. Oh, my God. Just picturing dad. He's sitting at a restaurant? Yeah, school play, a restaurant. You'd have to sit in the front row all the time. At the park playing, playing catch with your kid,

wearing a fucking bass drum fuck we should go to the water park as a fan but trying to get it on an airplane you're standing at the top of a fucking water slide waiting for the all good the thumbs up just staring at the lifeguard

he's staring back at you and you have a fucking bass drum strap to your chest he's like no you start playing we will rock you yeah I'm here I go I mean you're not going to be allowed into a lot of places if you have to always have this so amusement all those fun things are going to be out i mean a rest just a rest a nice classy but small restaurant

where everything the seating's close like you can't come walking in there rolling up to a date with a fucking trump oh my god you know like certain oh shit you just come he's coming from band practice no always just got out of shower just got out of the shower oh my god your drum's still wet you have to care i can tell you just got i can tell you just showered your drum sets wet your Your drum said stripping. Thanks for noticing. You know when you go to like Olive Garden or something and you walk in there and the hostess, you start walking your table and she, she does like, you'll turn around, so how was your day?

And then you're telling her how your day was and then she, oh, that's great. But you're walking through the aisle and she's just, you're like having a normal conversation, but this giant fucking drum. And she, you know she's going to comment on it. So you're leaning around it. She goes, you're not going to play that thing, are you? No, absolutely not I don't know how

I wouldn't dare I wouldn't dare I wouldn't dare She's like then why'd you bring it Yeah that's the question If you have to ask you can't afford it That's right Natches the shoes

And I'm also picturing one of those One man bands Like the performance guys Yeah Oh yeah Squeakish squeak Have you ever been tempted to do that? No

I mean I guess You can play all the instruments right Back in the acoustic days and kind of touring around and doing that thing I did think for a bit about doing the like tying a tambourine

to your foot or like I'd always you know you stop when you're playing hard like why not put a little kick drum there but they never did they have a stomp box

they do now where you just get fuck well you step on a little foot pedal I know a lot of people have that idea but I never did it

and then the other side of course yeah holding the nose of the person that you're talking to while they talk um yeah

the workplace is gonna be again first first date on a day Yeah. You're like, so tell me a little bit more about you. And you're like, you just reach over and squeeze their nose.

Well, I got the strong bone. I was going to say, I played the drum in high school. I know, I can see. No, you just have to, you know, they ask you a question. You have to just pinch their nose and answer it. There's no relationship for you. Are they really going to be listening to anything you have to say? No.

Because they're going to be wondering why the hell you're plugging their nose. Of course they're not. Yeah, it's just not going to work out. And then as soon as you're like, you're talking, and you're like, so what do you like to do? Then you take it off and sit back and then they start talking. And you're like, uh, okay, um, well, I played the trombone in high school. And then pitch it, like, well, that was weird. Yeah.

Fucking too much. The little, just the little back and forth every time we're talking. Like, imagine us doing this pod. Just, just, I mean, I have to just have, can I use the, like, a one of those old people. Pinscher clause? The Pinchers. Mm-hmm. That's interesting.

It doesn't say how you have to pinch their nose. Got your nose. I guess reaching over there, meh, closing it up. You got your nose. Yeah. I mean,

an argument, that's impossible. Oh, God. Just relationships in general out the window. I think I'm going to, I just feel like you got to, you got to go with the instrument. You're talking about finances.

Like a marriage and you're just talking about like finances or something like that. And you're like, well, You know, you have to go into that and be serious. But, like, she knows that that's just part of the thing, too. Honey, we're going to, like, yeah, honey, we're going to fall short, blah, blah, but you just reach over and pinch her nose. Well, if I wasn't spending so much on nose therapy, I can't stop. It's a waste of money.

I can't stop doing it. And you just let go. And she goes, well, how come? Yeah. You know, you think I like this? This is awful. And you just let go again. Oh, divorce.

Yeah. Me, I know. Oh, doing your vows and stuff in the wedding, like you actually get married, right? Do you take this woman? You may now honk your wife. I do. You may now take your wife's noise. There he knows.

Okay. Got your nose. Got your nose. Okay. Well, just based, I mean, funny, visual, all of them are. But I think I just got to pick an instrument around. And so is it based off of, unfortunately, instruments you do have no clue how to play. so for me a guitar's out any drums are out bass is out

I mean harmonica's out so the small one's gone a recorder recorder I could I have an idea how to play that so mine's gonna have to be something like I mean violin I can still kind of play it people who want you to play that dude a harp a harp like having to carry a I bet you but I bet you could figure that one out so the heart elegant yeah the harps out Like an accordion. I can play a little bit of accordion because I can play piano

so you can figure that one out. So I think I'm going like, it had to be something weird and foreign. It had to be like a fucking French horn. Yeah. I've never played a French horn. Some sort of a horn. A trombone.

Nobody will want you to play that, so that'll be fine. Yeah, like just put that away. Yeah, no one's asking for a French horn. Any of the woodwinds. Yeah. Please play your clarinet for me. Yeah.

Honey, I wish I could. I don't have, I have no idea. Come on. Yeah, you do. I don't. You want to hear? Yeah, you just, fucking get it out. Are you happy?

Yeah, there. Yeah, I think you have to go with that. Yeah, it can't be honking nose as a whole life. I can't just be like, I was, the only time I converse with people is like school pick up and. So just like thinking about that. Or like, you go to your kids conference and your teacher, like you're plugging your Teacher's nose. It's not going to work.

You'll get your kids taken away. Yeah. They're not getting good grades. I need to tell you, so we've had some issues with pepper. You know, we got blah, blah, blah. And you're like, tell me about it. Just honked their nose. But not being able to explain why you're doing it.

You're like, what is it? What's it now, officer? Yeah. Do you know how fast you were going and you reach up to the cop? 65. And then let go. He's like, please step out of the view. Hold.

Am I being detained? Yes, you are. Am I being detaining? Pinch. Just giving you a heads up and film this whole thing. Me too. Yeah, that sounds terrible. And we haven't even, there's so many other situations where that would be a nightmare.

Excuse me, excuse me, sir, do you know how fast you were going, reach up and hold his nose. You'd be like, I get one phone call, right? I'm just getting ahead of this because I know you're going to arrest me because this is weird that I'm plugging your nose right now. And he's like, I always like, step out of a vehicle. told you, like, told you. You have to do that for your lawyer in court. Oh, yeah. On the stand.

Honk in the judge's nose. Oh, my God. So bad. I'm just thinking, like, last thing I'll say it, because it's, I'm just thinking about, like, you and your dad, like, towards the end there. And, like, you're, that's funny, Brian. You're, like, you know it's not much time left, and you have to, like, something that's so sad. And your family's sitting around, you just have to reach over and. grab his nose and final heart to heart like he says he's like can i tell you something i've never

told anyone and you're just sitting there and you just reach over and yeah squeeze his nose real quick and oh god oh man i love you i love you so much i love you too all right anything else or like you're by dad you're at an open casket funeral or something like that and you walk up to the

the casket and you're just like say a few words say a few words and like in front of everyone you just have to reach and grab those and didn't really know you that well I don't even know why I'm here and then he's like over his nose

and walk away is there any wine where they put the wine where's the wine in Jesus Kragger where's the wine in Jesus All right Okay, so instrument Yeah

Instrument Yeah Okay, founds him Uh, moving off Zachy Pooh Hey Hey, what's up, babe What are you thinking about?

Uh, you know, nothing Actually, you know what I'm thinking about a lot of shit What are you thinking about? I was about to do that same thing I think I got to Yeah, I think the second I went downstairs Cassie like has a little bit

of control when it comes to turn it on the heater and then the second I leave she just fucking cranks it and I don't think she realizes how hot it gets down here Turn it on turn it on So it's been an ongoing saga I promise it's almost over

But we're gonna talk a little more About a funny situation that just happened Like last night When it comes to the old kitchen remodel That's going on here In beautiful Liberty Lake Washington And it is looking beautiful I know it's really coming to

together. So throughout the whole process, because of work schedules, being in town, out of town, it really has been like a whole collaboration between Cassie and I to get all of this orchestrated, the contractors lined up, make sure everything goes is planned, right? And I mean, through every stage of this thing. So like just to paint the picture a little bit, when we first decided we were going to do it, like we stayed up super late one night. It was just being kind of goofy. I think like three or four in the morning. Uh, because she's a designer so she has the cat program out or in design whatever she's using at that time and we're designing the whole kitchen and then we're reaching out and getting proposals and stuff just trying to

see if like what we wanted is financially feasible right now so we did all that and we're picking out all the fabrics and blah they're not fabrics yeah my my kitchen is made of leather i have a leather kitchen that's funny a corduroy counter be durable weird choice yeah um and so that whole process, and then we stopped, and then we redesigned the entire thing together, then did the whole, just picking this, anyway, just hand in hand together throughout this whole project. And then here we are at the end. And I don't think I've ever had, outside of it, just being embarrassing as a disability for me. I've never really had it affect and completely stop my input 100%.

And colorblindness is really coming into play right now. like really bad so just uh just so you get you guys can all visualize it uh we went with like they're like a certain like olive green cabinets and i can see it like i can see that uh the shades that are around that color like i don't really see we have black countertops um we're going to have like a like a like a lighter but also like a like a brown what's it called that's something with a tea you guys know to see thanks brian yeah Tan, not tope. Tarese? Tarese? Something like that. You can look it up. Um, but anyway, Cassie loves it. And everybody loves this color of back splash. And I'm just, uh, looking at it. Tabasco? Yes, Tabasco. We're going to make, our backslash is going to be Tabasco sauce bottles.

Toppe? Top. Nope. Uh, Trees, Tarzis. To fit. That's it. It's cheese. Taffy cream. Perfect. We are getting close. yeah um no but it's like a it's like a light brown like a red brown and i looking at these colors i'm just staring at her she goes like well what do you think and then everyone else says it's so great and i'm like terracotta no almost pizza tapioca um and i'm just looking at it and i'm like this sucks like i can't she's like well what about this one and she holds it up and i'm like oh no like this is it, I am completely out because the color scheme, me being

red green and blue yellow, the green has a little bit of blue in it. Oops. Sure. I mean, it's like that, but I think it's called I had to guess. I'm saying the word. Terracotta. Terese. Terese. Try that.

Like, T.E. or T.A. As you can tell, I'm not a big color guy. Yeah. I'm not looking up color. Like, names. Didn't you have crayons? Spray on what? Teresa? Huh? Mother Teresa color?

What's that? But we're looking at it, and all of the cones and shades that I'm missing being colorblind are all of the ones that we're trying to piece together right now. Nightmare, dude. I mean, I'm just staring at it. I'm just like, I've never felt more useless. She goes, well, it's, I mean, it's your, we got to make sure, because although I really like it, like, we all live here,

and I'm looking at her, and I'm like, I don't fucking know I love the idea of her going Which color do you like best And you point to one of them And she looks at it She's like what the fuck are you thinking And I'm like I'll show you what I'm thinking

I take my eyeballs out Rip her eyes out And then shove them in I'm like see That has to be the worst thing Because in your brain That's what you see And to someone else

You're just an idiot They're just like Why would someone ever pick I just don't get it Like are you It's not even It's like you're just You're fucking stupid

You have no sense of design or and she's explaining it to me she's like well if you look at the color wheel like these are perfect complimentary like how they line up on the thing and i'm just staring at her yeah she's like see how the blue and yellow and i'm like no i get it i'm sure it works all of these fuck like they just don't work she goes well this one's like way greener i'm like that shade's gone it does not exist i have no ability to see it they are the exact same color she's like no way are you sure he's like holding it up in a different light i'm just staring at it like i'm about to cry same thing i'm about to cry and she goes i don't and i'm like it's just this is you

this final part of this massive remodel and i'm utterly useless what if uh yeah maybe she needs to get like one of her friends no no she has they've all they all love it so now i'm just looking at everyone being like yep like kind of doing like a thing i'm like i love it too we're good on this right Because my instinct, when it comes to this color palette of like a green and a brown, because that's a huge one, they're the same fucking color if they get into these certain shades, I would never fuck with. Like, I've made it through doing design and video work and graphic design. And that's because I have hex codes that will tell me exactly what color I'm looking for because I know that I'll fuck it up if I'm just picking it. Yeah. So I have to just go in and it tells me it's like, oh, this is this.

So I'm like, okay, I know at least that color is that. I can work from there. But in this shady, just slightly off, color matching opinion-based game, the colorblind holds no weight. I am nothing, I am slime. It's so frustrating. Just so excited.

For both of you. Did not know it was going to come to the finish line. And I had to go fuck myself. I mean, you kind of just... Like, I'm fucking jerking off in the outhouse at the finish line of a kitchen remodel marathon. on. Like, I don't get to participate.

He's fucking gape. He's gaped in the blue house. Blue house? What's it called? Greenhouse? The poo house? I don't know for you. Is it the blue house?

Can you see blue? Fuck me. What color am I jerking off in? What color is this port-a-potty? I mean, you have to just kind of trust that she knows what looks good at that point. And it's so hard because what she's like, no, it looks good. I'm like, I don't like it. But it's not about me anymore.

Because you can't, it's never been about you. I'm aware. You can't, you can't base a, my daddy's always says, you can't base a kitchen remodel on your disabilities. That's what you used to always say. That's wise. Yeah, something like that, yeah. But, so there I am.

So now I guess I have to, I basically, like, I felt like I was taking my hat off and just like throwing it in the trash can. Like, I have, it's just like, what do you think, Captain? I'm like, that's it for me. It's, yeah. This is my last voice, sweetheart. I'm hanging up my boots I'm calling it quit

She goes, we're at the best, funnest part And I'm like, that's enough for me Not for me, brother Not for me, this is a literal nightmare If you need me, I'll be in my bunk Yeah, welcome to my worst fear Yeah, so The colorblindness is

I never really felt like it had a huge impact on my life Like I mentioned outside, just like Coloring something the wrong color Or being like, why the fuck is that car purple? And everyone's like, it's green idiot and i'm like whoops

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha colorblind but now it's it's real money in a real problem so in a big house real money

big house big kitchen big problem just gone well anyway i mean i i think a decision like that i don't know if i'd want to be a part of that anyway because if it's if it sucks it's like well this is all on you

and i invite you guys to go up there and take a look but if you guys's opinion or anything along the lines of I wouldn't do it I don't want to deal with all that so we're just going to go with it and keep your fucking opinions to yourself okay okay because if you give yeah because if I show you guys

let you guys weigh in and you guys are like I wouldn't do it Cassie's gonna spin there's gonna be more people over here and I just need to move past my colorblind depression right now I gave her some thoughts the other day when we were talking about handles oh yeah I was like I think I think that's stupid all right bye Joe I was like, well, if you do the black with the green, it's going to look very military.

So maybe go with the gold. Remember that? Yeah. I can see gold. Yeah. And black. That's cool. Yeah, it didn't really help you out.

No. But the handles look great. All right, let's move off to that big fucking girth. That unhinged flong. Unhinged hogbone flong. Ready to get into it? Yeah. All right.

Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick Fuck Brian you might need to stand up and close that vent Getting horn

Yeah you can do it It's right there Yeah I guess go ahead and I mean it's just too much I'm dying over here About to pop the shirt off Yeah that'd be a fun episode Talk about it unhinged

I mean I did promote Little nakedness and freedom Right out the gate today I came across this story And it was just a A really funny consequence to me that I think maybe is better than the

like the prison system so a Minnesota woman who cast her dead mother's ballot for Trump back in 2024 must write an essay which she would have wanted on voting what? Just this courtroom

can't wait to read it yeah so she cast in a mail-in ballot for her deceased mother in support of Republican Donald Trump during the 2024 presidential election and ordered by a judge To write an essay and read a book about voting's importance and democracy. That's such a weird sentence.

It's such a weird consequence to give a grown-ass adult. Yeah. You must go back to school and do that. I mean, I would rather go to prison. Yeah. And there's a lot of biased in this article. So I'm trying to skip over a little bit of it. Like apparently whoever wrote it, wasn't a big fan of Trump.

But that's not the point of this show. So the point is, somebody out there, a judge looked at her and was like, you need to write an essay. And she was like, I'd rather go to prison. Like, that's how I feel. Like, if I was getting in trouble, I guess I'm trying to think of how big of a punishment it would be. Let's say I got in trouble for something kind of minor. Like, I was speeding, but I've done it a lot. And I'm going to have to go spend like three days in jail.

Right? because I've just apparently I'm just too fast I'm too fast for society too furious too I'm just out there causing problems and the judge is like I need you to read this book and I'm like right there I was like is it on tape and he goes no it's a fucking

would you listen to like a driver's like a driver's license book on tape yes other than reading it right absolutely this here is a yield sign Joe you're just fucking and sitting at home being like, God, I wish I could drive and get a beer.

So she has to read a book, write an essay. Danielle Miller, 51 of Nashwick in a rural area about three hours north of Minneapolis, was charged last fall with three felonies after local election officials notified 30s in October, about two absentee ballots that had been flagged for fraud. One of those was from a registered voter who had died. It was Miller's mother. According to court papers, Miller told an investigator that she had filled out her mother's absentee ballot and signed her mother's name on its signature envelope. She said her mother, mother was an avid Trump supporter.

The mother was a mother. And wanted to vote for him. But she died in August 2024 before receiving an absentee ballot. According to the complaint, Miller also said she signed her mother's name as a witness on her own ballot. Whoops! E! Mess that up. Yeah, sign here.

It's like, whatever, Joe Paisley, witness, I'm fucking here, Joe Paisley. My witness, I, my eyes witness this. You're just ready with your other hand. Joe Paisley and the witness, you're like, hmm. I mean, my right hand was here. Fuck it. So she pleaded guilty making and signing a false certificate. And then here's, here you go.

So Miller must read a book about the history of voting in America. Boring. Oh, my God, not even a good book. And current related issues. Thank you for voting. The Maddening, Enlightening, Inspiring Truth about Voting in America by Aaron Geiger-Smith. Haven't read it. You talk about boring reading that book.

That guy wrote that book. Imagine how boring that was. He's research. He's sitting there clacking it out, and he's like, no one's fucking reading it. Yeah. He's halfway through, he's like, fucking New York top seller in my ass. What am I doing? He goes, God, this sounded so good when I started.

Fuck. He's just like, fuck it. I'm halfway there. I got to finish it. Read that and was ordered to write a 10-page paper. Oh, fuck, dude. Regarding the importance in voting in a democracy and how election fraud can be undermined.

It can't undermine the voting process. It feels like Hail Mary's. Doesn't that to the religion of government? Yeah, it does a little bit. Ten Hail Marys. I, one of my things I hated most in life was book reports

fucking hated book reports because I didn't want to read the book and now I have to write a book You don't say Now I Now I have That makes sense Dude I'm not sure if you've noticed this

But I fucking hate reading I don't like reading Not good at it I'm not good at it but writing a book or writing a paper already sucks but writing a paper about a book that you don't want to read and make it compelling and then make it you have to tell me what you found fascinating nothing and they're like it's got to be x amount of pages so you're writing like unrealistic gaps in between words like trying to spread it out to fill up the pages like the double space one and then you move it to instead of two you're a two point one just to see if you can get an extra extra paragraph worth in there and hope the teacher doesn't notice yeah it doesn't bust out the ruler i'll tell you where the judgment wrong in this one though it should have been need to write a 10 page paper regarding the importance of voting

and democracy how election fraud can undermine the voting process and the last thing it said and how you can get caught using chat gbt to write this yeah that would have been a good little thing yeah that would have been the first thing she probably would yeah wrap me a paper about how easy it is to get caught how easy it is getting to get caught using AI to write a 10 page paper for the judge for the judicial system and then along with that also

include the importance of voting in democracy and state your references. Yeah, a lot of references are chat GBT wrote this. A lot of the government still uses fax machines so they might not catch on. What's it? Fawchild

said the sentence is a fair outcome he called the paper a unique aspect of sentencing but a fair expectation i think he's got inspired probably watched something the night before he goes putner in jail's not going to change nothing you guys i'm gonna i need a thesis i need a thesis paper from this broad well then he has to read it he's not reading you know like well i was thought if i was a teacher i'm like if i give homework that means i have to grade that homework yeah you're not cut up for teaching stuff no reading number one I think the sentence that was imposed here

is very much designed to help her better understand the importance of these things and make sure that she doesn't and quite frankly other people don't take the same type of actions in the future well I'll tell you one thing Ms. Miller's not going to do and that's going to be able to sign or another fake ballot for her dead mom

mom's not going to die again she's done she's out maybe not sign yourself as a witness on your dead She might have a stepmom or like a mother-in-law. So the opportunities will present themselves, and this judge is hoping a 10-page paper will, we'll dial that back. I love how this was probably such a small town, too. They're like three hours north of Minneapolis. Yeah, what's going on up there?

Nothing. It's like, it wasn't like, oh, it's a suburb of Minneapolis, three hours north of Minneapolis. Yep. My goodness. I mean, that was Moses Lake to Seattle. They were like, oh, if I, they were writing a story about me. Like, Brian got caught for reading fraud. And it's most like a town three hours east of Seattle.

Right. Right. It's not even close. Reading fraud. That'd be like, oh, my God. Yeah, that's, how far can you use that unit of measurement? It's like, I mean, if you don't know the geography of Idaho, it's very long. Yeah.

It's a lot of length on the old state of Idaho when you get that panhandle involved. It'd be like, yeah, Joe gets caught for tax fraud in Cordillane, a town eight hours north of Boise. Eight hours north of Boise. And you're like, huh. And they're like, where's Boise? Nothing's closer? It's 27 hours north of Texas. Yeah.

That's Idaho? Oh, shit. Pretty funny. Yeah, once you get up here, it's like Seattle. That's anyone, anything knows. Yep. You know where Montana is, but you don't know any towns. you don't record it in Liberty Lake Washington

four and a half hours east of Seattle and everyone's like oh yeah across the entire 18 hours west of Fargo North Dakota right but anyway

maybe they're on to something maybe they should stop throwing people in there and then I mean I would rather go to jail than have to write a fucking 10 page paper right now All right let's move off to our next one you want to take this one I bet you do fucking yeah you do

while I'm opening this up up. Oh, I can do it then if you're just opening it up. I was just saying, while I'm opening it up, I was just going to say that we used to go to Gorge all the time and people would be like, Seattle. Yeah. Because it's the nearest thing. They're not going to say George. It's from there, it's two hours west. George is Seattle. Two gas stations. I think there's a tire shop. Pretty cool. All right. It's 30 minutes west of Moses Lake. There you go. 32 minutes west of the Moses Lake fountain Yeah

Like that's the landmark they use 67 miles north Yeah Away Sorry, my brain froze up That's okay This is from BBC Okay

Three wrongly accused over Child Abuse Images after BT gets wires crossed This one lands in the department of I had no idea this could fucking happen So here you go I love this image too Just wires.

Just wires for days. Yeah. Three people were wrongly accused of downloading child abuse images due to a broadband wiring error by BT engineer. A, a tribunal has heard. Okay. Dude. Okay. What?

It's one thing to download child porn. Child abuse. But child abuse. What do we got today? Yep. Because child porn, this is going to sound terrible. Can't wait. At least child porn, it's like a sexual act.

So you're like, if you're trying... At the very least. At the least I have that. At the very least, like, if you're just trying to get turned on sexually, at least you're looking for something of a sexual nature. You're in the right direction? Yeah, you're in the right direction. It's children, which is terrible, but it's in the right direction.

If you're just looking for kids getting beat, like that is... Oh, oh! Oh, geez. God. Yikes! Yeah, less party horn. I mean, the child pornography horn was pretty low. Child abuse horn from Zach went way down.

Yeah. That was a sad one. What do you think would get you more jail time if you had pictures of it on your computer? Of a naked kid or a kid getting beat? Only one way to find out. I would think it'd be the naked? The porn. I would think.

The violence? who has to make that call all right you should add you 10 page essays but for this one I'm expecting at least 15 pages and sources about why jerking

off to naked kids and kids getting beaten is bad okay and why they're different and but use the yeah I want to see some big words in there and you have to use at least 10

three syllable words what what sorry our fucking jail is packed right now we're running out of pancakes so you're lucky day because given a 15 page essay I don't want it by Friday in that case I'd probably rather do the paper because if I don't want to go to jail no pancakes

I'm not going to jail if there's no fucking flapjacks what is this place this place sucks Give me the book report Quiet down Kid abuser Shut up No pancakes bitch

What Just the way that people are treated Yeah And speaking of that The dude from lost profits Got Got in Twobble Beat to death

No he got beat to death Oh yeah he got killed Yeah Good Anyway I didn't know them I didn't either Not personally

But I remember the first Lost Prophets album It was pretty good According to the allegations Fuck that guy Alright there you go Still a good musician Let's see

The mistake meant internet activity Oh god What's up? You're killing it I was trying to read Are you scared No I was trying to move past the Are you sweating?

What we were just talking about Hey I think you did pretty well Don't go back That's why I kept going back You just almost dragged yourself back in I know that's why I was like One more thought about how sexy kids can be Brian just go

think all our brains are melting it's hot like yeah Brian opened that door this is the fucking thing about Brian god damn it so Brian right now we're in a room and we're talking about stuff and you went let's just see and you went here and you opened the door into a topic and you you navigated it you did well yeah you're like I don't know how this is going to sound you did really good and then you had an opportunity to walk back into the podcast room yeah And you went, let's look around with a little. Maybe I missed something in there. I don't feel like I really fucked that up enough.

Let's stick around for a bit. I tend to do that. Yeah, that's very cute. Back to you. Okay. The mistake meant internet activity linked to the real offender was traced instead to an address where two men and a woman were staying. Two guys a girl in a pizza place. I've seen that one.

Remember that TV show? Oh, yeah. Who had their electronic devices seized over the course of two police searches. The false accusations back in 2016 had highly distressing and far-reaching consequences for the three. The investigatory Powers Tribunal, IPT, was told. Rename that. It ruled that Diphed Powwis. Those aren't even orders of letters.

Diffed Palace. It sounds like someone like got punched in the stomach. Dife Powis. Police. Like mid-speech. DiPOS! Police had acted lawfully and found that the error was caused by technical fault rather than a police misconduct. Back in 2016, it took you this fucking long?

Ten years. Just ruin these guys' lives and you're like, we better take a closer look. Pedophiles. Pedophiles, all of them. Right here. Right here. All of them. Don't let your kids around them. Bad people. And then some guys like, oh shit. No, wait. Yeah, a new hire almost a decade later was like, no, that wasn't even them.

like, oh shit, well, we did do some good police. Three lives ruined. I mean, you can't, you can't come back from from those accusations. Not even child porn, child abuse porn. What does this do for you, you sick fuck?

He's like, I don't even know. Nothing. Liar! Look at it again. And this time I want that dick hard. It looks like you're the one enjoying this. Yeah, am I? Am I? Am I? Call me Officer Hogbone. Officer Hogbone? hogbone and junker but just picturing the the effect it had on these three people but then also

knowing i'm guessing bt is like an IT tech right over here in the united states uh because the bt engineer but it's like someone who's setting up the the comms the wires the phone systems the internet right i i've met a lot of those guys it's been a lot of time around them the life destroying mistake and then when this guy was setting it up i know he had to had like half a donut in his mouth. Probably like humming a song he just heard. Yeah, it's hanging out of his mouth. He's like,

Mm-hmm, mm-mm-mm-mm. Like just glazed down the front of his shirt. It, like, sparks a little bit. He's like, oh, shit. Whoa. Almost got me. What? Now I'm almost done it.

And he just puts like a bagel in his mouth. And he's just plugging shit and he's like, yep, just closes up the box. And then really three people's life. lives puts a lock on it he's like oh that's not going anywhere all done boss record time and then you need to check it or anything no I'm good I'm sure they looked into to him as well yeah to see if like he was looking shit up and then crossing

wires to frame other people that's probably the more realistic route yeah yeah yeah but we have another story to get to part of this gape this wide open festival I'll just just say that they were never charged the door come? Oh, okay. Great. The people were never charged. I thought we were going back into the child room. No, we're going to stay away from the children. I thought you're cracking the door on the daycare,

so to speak. But you left into the bathroom at the daycare? Hey, you guys hanging out in here? What are we doing? This is normal. Okay. All right. Have you guys heard of this? Butt breathing? Might soon be a real medical treatment. Yep. Is that like butt sunning?

You guys have both? Well, I'm not surprised Zach has heard of this. This is right up his alley. Shaden brought us. I was, I heard of you guys the butt breathing, but butthole sunning, I've heard of that. Oh, yeah. Maybe this is different. It is.

Pretty great. It's pretty good. And I'm pretty excited. I'm going to read a little bit of this. And then I'm trying to give you an overview. But last year, a group of researchers won the 2024 Nobel Prize in sociology for discovering that many. Physiology.

No, you said, you said the wrong word. I didn't. That many mammals are capable of breathing through their anus. Mm. But as with many LG Nobel Awards, There is a serious side to the seeming silliness. The same group has conducted a new study on the feasibility of adapting this method to treat people with blocked airways or clogged lungs,

while promising results that bring rectal oxygen delivery one step closer to medical reality. Any time the rectum's involved, I'm into it. Dude, let's give it a ride. As previously reported, this is perhaps one of the more unusual research developments to come out of the COVID-19 pandemic. Shit got weird. I'll be damn. The world shut down and people just started shoving things in their ass.

They just like, we need, we got to have stuff to do here. I am bored. Can I breathe through my ass? Tiger King and ass breathing. That was, that was COVID. Woo-hoo. In timeshare. Opportunities. Yeah. Yeah, that was after COVID. That's pretty big. Anyway, it's associated with shortages and ventilators and artificial lungs to assist patients breathing and prevent respiratory failure. So the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center teamed, uh, Team took their inspiration from the humble loach.

Loach? Loach. Loak? Loke. Zach? I can't read it. I've not. I can't see it. Yeah, what is that? A freshwater bottom dwelling fish found throughout... No idea. I've never seen that word in my life. Along with the sea cucumbers. No one cares. Let's go back to butts. Or butt stop. Yeah, so fish, smart people looked at fish, and they're like, these fish can breathe through their ass. Why can't we? and that's exciting

because they're fish yeah we're not fish they don't have normal lungs right not yet so there's a oxy site oxy site

is what they developed basically like a like a liquid they can shove into your ass and then your body will absorb the oxygen out of it yep

so the experiments involved intra-anally administrating oxygen gas or a liquid oxygen generated not per fluor carbon what to the unfortunate rodents

and other fish The unfortunate rodents What is going on here? I thought it was for the makeup And I got shit up my ass Just grabbing a little mouse head You're like, are you even trying to breathe through your butt?

And his whiskers are just twitching Do you want the cheese? Then you must please So they tested it there And they're like, I don't know, can humans do it? And I love the fact that they put They got 27 healthy adult man over in Japan, of course, which of whom received a dose of non-oxygenated per floor. Fuck you.

They were asked to retain the liquid. I am so bad at reading like pharmaceutical names. And then the doctor says it and you're like, oh. And like you look, you're like, oh, that makes sense. But I first read it and I just, the way that it all falls, my brain just doesn't do it. Perfloredecklin. Yeah. Yeah.

Pifloridacolin. It sounds like a dinosaur. It is. They shove a, it's a, yeah, just right up your ass. They brought the pterodactal back, whose skin just happens to be rich with oxygen, and shoved it up 27 Japanese adult men's asses. I don't see, damn, science, man. So these guys were asked to retain the liquid for a full hour as the dosage slowly increased from 25 to 1,500 milliliters. Hold.

20 of the men, 27 again, 20 of the men successfully completed the experiment. which is great, which means seven of them shit the liquid out. They're like, I'm out. They're like, my blood isn't built for this. I'm going home. Apart from mild temporary abdominal bloating and discomfort,

which proved to be the dosage dependent, which proved to be dosage dependent and resolved with no need for medical attention, they experience no adverse effects. I think it's laid on their side, collected data, and hopefully in the near future, all of us,

if something happens, we'll be able to breathe through our assholes. Yep. Can we all just agree that this was just a reason to stick shit up their ass? Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, hopefully something works here. Yeah.

But I'm, we would jamming stuff from people's ass. And I'm not a doctor, but like, I guess using ventilators and stuff on lungs is bad for them, right? So. Yeah, but aren't they already going to? No, not all the time. Like, you maybe have to be like put under or collapse lung or whatever, and you have

to pump the lungs and it's not good if you're, if you really need that, you're, I don't know, whatever, doctor stuff. But if they can just shove oxygen up your ass, then they don't have to use your, and they'll just keep you alive, because you can breathe through your fucking butt. That's a cool trick at a pool. Especially if there was a snorkel in there.

Yeah, a pool party where, like, one dad is, like, doing cool cannon balls, and you're like, well, check this out. And you start breathing through your asshole. Is he alive? Yeah, is he alive? And you pop your head up, am I? I mean, I just visualize, you know, like one of those old suits They used to wear for like deep diving the metal, the metal suits

The bad idea suit Yeah, but it's just a tube that goes straight in someone's ass What could go wrong? The little window I'm wearing a 4,000 pound metal suit What could go wrong? I can't swim! I can't move, I can't swim Can't breathe

If anything happens, I'm going to die Yeah Let's get in So there you go There's always one guy that's like I'll do it Yeah No there's

He's like cool suit Could I get in it Fuck yeah Where's the waiver Is there a witness Me My right hand My right hand

Assigned for myself And getting that fucking Metal suit That metal scuba suit Is that a better idea Than a flammable Wicker basket though That's the question

We have to ask ourselves It's It's boredom Boredom What's down here All right I want to see that angler fish with that little dangly

I want to see his little dangle just just like floating down there where you're like watching the fish what do you see down there

like the guys that fucking died in the Titanic thing the Titanic thing you know the submarine the submersible submersible thing Alright, all right, we have some good news to get to. Let's just roll that right now.

Zach, Zach, Zach. I thought the bug... So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! I think, I thought the bug breathing was the good. The hooray, we're not doomed. Oh, boy, then you are going to be so excited for this story.

How cute is this? What would you think would happen? Or why do you think a bear would break into a zoo? Because maybe we stole a bear. Sex is a good one. Maybe just moms in there. Mom's in there with some affection. A picnic basket?

You guys, I guess are maybe as dark as me, but what I think of a bear breaking in, it's because that bear is so hungry that it's just looking to kill one of the trapped animals inside there. It knows it can't get out of there. I mean, there's two things, right? There's food that's going to drive an animal to do some crazy shit, and there's, like, sex. I guess protecting your babies.

But outside of that, like, there's kind of pretty chill out there, right? I'm not just looking to kill you. Yeah, they're not just looking. So here's the good part of this one. A bear breaks into a California zoo to play with other bears. Aw. Yeah! Just needed a friend. Yeah, young black bear cost quite a stir at the Sequoia Park Zoo in Eureka, California.

Not by escaping, but by breaking in. Last week, a zoo employee discovered the wild bear standing curiously with its nose against the enclosure fence of the zoo's resident Black Bears What's going on in there? Sucks to be you Yeah, now he's in there with him He's out there rubbing his back on a tree

He goes, oh, nothing Beets the real thing I could go anywhere I want I can go over here He runs over there He's like where can you guys go Fucking nerds

Fucking nerds What followed was a surprising And harmless encounter That left zoo staff and visitors Both puzzled and amused According to the zoo supervisor, Christine Noel, the bear was a very polite visitor

staying on the boardwalk path, keeping all four paws on the ground, and not attempting to climb any barriers. I can read. Noel first spotted The Uninvited guest while inspecting the zoo's elevated Redwood Skywalk.

Hey, Bear, you're not invited. Are you supposed to be here? Not invited. I don't know, kind of. It's a zoo. No. Am I right? Not on the list. A 100-foot-high trail through towering redwood trees where the young bears were seen interacting with the zoo's three resident bears through the fence. One staff realized the bear wasn't one of theirs. Emergency procedures were quickly initiated.

You don't want to read the names? You can give it a shot. Toolishong and Kunabalov. So the bear managed to breach the zoo's eight-foot parameter fence topped with barbed wire. Good Lord. He's got in there. They don't know how he got in there. yeah uh so he he got in there and they got him out of there but at least he got a little play date

they got him out they didn't just keep him no i think that'd be kind of a dick move who know he probably has family out there just looking for a little fun i don't know if you break into jail what if he does in that family maybe his family got fucking poached yeah well then bummer this went from a good story to a bad now he's going to go out there and die maybe he just wanted he couldn't hunt for himself because his family was massacred not my bear not my problem you know what i mean But that was good Maybe happy To see that guy getting in there

Oh yeah bro One of our listeners Set something in for Hey look what I found So it's not even us It's going to be hey look what Jeremy found Jeremy Do it

The internet is pretty wild Depending on your browsing habits You can either experience Something super cool Or go to prison Crazy right Let's check it out Together as a couple

Hey Look what I found Yes That's off Nice. Yeah. That's great. Do you guys say Jeremy or Jeremy?

Jeremy. Because it's spelled like Jeremy. Jeremy. You say Jeremy? I had friends, yeah. Like your hands were all Jeremy? Mm-hmm. I had multiple Jeremy friends.

Jeremy. Jeremy. Please come here at Jeremy. Jeremy spoken. How do you say your name, Jeremy? Yeah, I don't know. Too much. What's how it's spelled.

me so Jeremy found sent this in but actually somebody else found it this is a hey look what I found puzzle yeah who found it we're heading to Reddit hold on one second before you show this I want to make sure

okay we're good I thought I was going to show my phone number for a second I was like let's not do that so we're going to Reddit and it's a St. Louis Reddit page okay so turns out cool things happen over there in St. Louis just a picture posted. Missouri?

Under a meetup. That's what it's what it's categorized under. I got a picture of a butt plug. Yeah. And it says, Found item.

My dog was sniffing around near Glen slash Fairview and found this. Made of metal. Not sure if it's valuable or what it is. Anyways, I have it. If someone's looking for it.

Smells like shit. What happened? I mean, I guess I could understand how do you forget your plug. I don't think it was that. I think it was a panic. Like someone had that and then they had to get rid of it. Like probably throw it out a car window. Like their dad showed up. They were heading home or they were wearing it. They didn't like it anymore. Waring it? I know. I mean, what's the correct

term for that? They were absorbing it. Reeserving. Trying to be becoming one with. And they had to part with it and maybe they're like, dude, this thing sucks. they pulled it out and they're like now it's just that kind of smells like shit a little bit and they can't just put it in their car and they're like and just threw it out the window it's a lot of DNA sitting around you ever get paranoid that someone's gonna find that and then go look up your shit and go go look it up and find out your DNA and who you are and all that then you get your butt plug back um but the top comment was the same was the same laugh that i had was when they could say anyway i have it yeah yeah anyway call or text i have it yeah and

And then other people laughing, of course. I love how this was tagged as a meetup. I also didn't want to mention where this was found out. Share Deets, we can add further comic context. But an angel lost their wings. God, read it so good. A reflection of you and that butt plug is wondrous. And then someone wrote, yeah, fucking profile pick for sure.

Look at it. Show it, Zach. From a distance, I thought maybe it was like a pocket watch. Yeah. Like one of those ones you open up. I mean, look at that stance. Just like really getting down there. Just like a, what is this?

What do we got here? Yeah. A little blurry. Yeah, it is definitely blur. Which means I think they probably zoomed in. They're probably in a hurry. Yeah, they're probably just, you know, moving out and about. All right.

Let's get off to Hey, guys for this week. Zach, please. Hey, you guys. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I thought maybe this is my, it says for, uh, it's coming in for my daughter, Amber, but I was thinking, oh, shit.

What I do? Did my wife email write in or something? Yeah. Hey guys. Love you all, but I needed to write and give a thank you to Joe. Oh, Joe. Joe. This isn't the first time that I've written in.

Usually it's about something funny I've found or seen in person. Like a butt plug. Mm-hmm. I have ADHD. Anxiety and depression. Games. that I have to be on medication for, and these last two weeks have been a real struggle with work pressures and other stresses, way more than normal. I'm normally pretty good at coming down off the mental ledge, but other day I tumbled down and snapped.

I won't get into the details, but it was the first time in my life that I'd ever started to have dark thoughts about harming myself. It's not a fun place. No. I still haven't told anyone else it got that bad until now. yeah now i'm letting ever thousands of people i'm letting tens of thousands of people know about it i do however listen to you guys every day at work and when those thoughts started happening i remember when joe shared about his own dark thoughts spiral and put the picture of his kids on his gun safe god that was a great time good lord like that's oh my god every time i go to grab my handgun to blow

my head off i'd see a picture my kids and go like oh god never mind maybe tomorrow party horn zack Do you want to save this? Maybe tomorrow. Oh, good times. Maybe I'll feel different. Yeah. I'm gonna wake up. You get it.

Waka, walka, walka. I'm not around guns, but I know there are other ways when your mind is in a dark place, like bridges and Lloyd Bridges. What? He's dead. What? All right. Lloyd Bridges? I got it.

This is a very heartfelt email. Sorry. I also have ADHD. In my brain... Anyway, more on child pornography. I say something and my brain just leaps in another direction. And I can't help it. I know.

I get you. But you were reading pretty well. I was. Now you mentioned it. I did the next best thing. And I put the picture of my daughter and my husband on the lock screen. my phone. I check it often, so I see their faces constantly all day now. I'm not 100% back to my normal, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanted to thank you guys

for not only bringing the funny to distract us from our problems, but also sharing about the darkness so that we can relate to each other. And so we're, see it. We're not alone. Thanks, Amber. Amber. Purple heartsy. Glad you hear, Amber. Yeah, I love to hear it, Amber. Good job. Get through them. Those dark times do not last forever. It is weird when you think about something's so permanent how you can just be in a spot and just make over and it's like sometimes you just need to get over that little thing

and you're like fuck let time do what time does time will always change it our second email is coming in from our daughter Emily who writes hey daddy's Joe and Bryant I love how the R is still in there so it's BOR Brian Brian

and Cami Uncle Zach This one is pretty short but it's going to haunt me for many years to come. Like Joe's penis. Or at least till I get new friends. Yay! I'm still in the hellscape of high school, and it's my senior year.

This is the only relevant because this year, we have a new freshman who is blind. Well, I was trying to, while I was talking to a friend during passing period, and obviously looking at her to the side of me and not straight ahead, because, you know, who needs spatial awareness in high school. True. We're just walking together until suddenly I smack head on into someone else. Pretty common in the hallways. Yep, I remember that.

A little clustered. Everyone's just fucking about. It's probably worse now because everyone's on their phone too. Being kids. Smacking into each other. But I look and it's the fucking blind kid! God damn it. Their little stick thingy went right between my legs so they didn't know I was there.

And I, unronically, didn't see him. But the worst part was the fact that I just put a hand on their shoulder and said, I'm so sorry, then walked away like nothing happened. Don't worry. My other friend behind us made sure that he was okay. Move, nerd. Shove him into the lockers. God, what are you blind?

Made sure the kid was okay. And hey, it's not like they'll see me around campus. Love the show. Listening since I was 13 and proud of all that you guys have accomplished, three out of five stars, your dummy daughter from the very big. beginning, Emily. Please, can I get a sexy honk from Brian for my 18th birthday? Hello?

It's crazy to think she was 13 when she was listening to it. Where are your parents? 13. Yeah, dude. I mean, Ezra's almost 12. And I'm just imagining listening to our shit in a year. Like on a regular basis. Yeah, like we're tucking them in.

Oh, no. I'm staying away from that one. Well, Emily, you have a good sense of humor, clearly. If you're still here and you started when you were 13, but hopefully we didn't cause any damage. And then, of course, this email wraps up with sent from my iPhone. My fucking favorites. I was so worried about where that was sent from. Yeah.

And now we can put that to rest. Yeah. Sent from my... Microwave. What? Samsung for each. Whoa, that was weird. I was going to say makeup table.

And then you said microwave. And then you said microwave. So my brain said microwave. I was going to say make-up table And you said microwave Microwave Microwed All right

Well that's episode 176 Put your balls away Contain them tits Back to the real world Six seven If you have something you want to see on the show Again we need to update the petty beef Petty Beef

Archive Email that to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com Hawkathon's going When you get your fucking eyes checked Hopefully this weekend works out for us You have to do it. I know. Just figure it out.

God. You're breaking promises and breaking hearts. Okay? Schedule it. Rate and review us. Have you listened to your podcast? I'd rather write a paper. You have to write a 10-page essay

about time management or go get your fucking eyes checked. I have terrible time management. Scatcast.com. Again, last chance to pay. pick up your tickets for the can you scat fest that's happening on November 1st, a cruisers

in state line Idaho. Idaho. Which basically miles north of Boisey. Yeah, eight miles. Yeah, scatcats coach you go to thanks to the babysitters, moderated at the Canyu Don't Playground on Facebook. And that's it. We're going to get off to the bonus thing.

Right after I give you guys a fact. Factoid. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? It's called it Zactoid. Zactoid. Happy to take that. Whale milk is the same consistency.

What a whale milk is the same consistency as toothpaste. Duh. A little chunky. A curdled milk. Which is a lot. I guess now we know why they don't milk whales. And baby humpbacks have to drink 150 gallons of whale milk every day. Viscous.

150 gallons? Yeah. I'm trying to put that in perspective. A gallon of milk. Like you know like a, like your standard, like decent sized fish. tank you can kind of see it that's 150 gallons like a nice sized fish tank nothing yeah like not like a small like a small like a like a nice sized fish tank you see yes in your house yeah 150 gallons fit in that thing no look it up yeah like it's like a you went to a fancy house and they have a nice sized fish tank

not a tiny little guy that you'd have a fucking turtle in you're telling me a hundred or you're telling me 150 gallons of milk Of toothpaste milk No like if you're holding Like a gallon of milk 150 of the things fit in a Liquid's weird A regular size

Do we have to look this up? That's crazy I mean I get it because Liquid is weird But yeah I just visualize so much bigger Yeah Let me just take this

Little peek So we don't leave anybody Jesus Christ Leave anybody Like this guy You know like a terrarian Like a nice size fish tank.

That's a 150 gallon gallon tank. Yeah. Liquid is weird. Liquid is weird. It's going to find all the places. Yeah, I would expect it to be bigger than that.

But no. You know whenever you see like a fucking tanker going down the freeway like a gas tanker? And sometimes when I drive the drive by I'm like what are they doing?

It's like that's only going to fill up like three cars. But then you start looking at it and you're like well one little section is going to fill up. Oh yeah. That makes sense. That's a tax. that's yeah that's a town yeah that's a town yeah but just from like the eye test at first

you're like that's gonna fill up speaking to i test you get it no all right uh getting off to the bonus content we love you guys bye go sign up support us on patreon bye I don't know.