Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Bathtub. Land Shark. Barking. Summer Girls.

Episode Date: July 6, 2022

We touch on a heavy topic in today's episode... but of course end up turning it into an absolute shit show because laughter cures all. Let's talk about that, repeatedly ignoring your delivery driver's calls, some super sexy ashtrays, how many cats it would take to defeat a t-rex, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/5z22_DmMuO8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Bathtub. Landshark. Barking. Summer Girls. Sex! Episode sex! Sex! Oh, sex! Sex! I had sex on the brain. You said episode sex? Yeah. That was two episodes ago. Where's that last episode? It's been every episode.

Was that last one? We're trying to dial back a little bit. Wow. A lot of sex talk. Went back and listened to it. We were like, oh, geez Louise. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about...

And we're going to find a way to turn everything into sex today. It's just kind of how things go. What'd you say? Hot. Nothing. Great. What's your name? Brian? Albright? I forgot last week Well, that was probably one of my favorite moments of the show so far when I was like, I'm Joe Paisley It might not you didn't give me you gave me like a half a second And then you just said showbiz babies looking over here that way You were framing yourself up. You're looking at those like how I wonder you look at what matters are my nipples showing yeah they're pointing the right right direction let me get them all popped real quick okay uh get any ice cubes uh yeah we can do we have a budget logan can you go buy ice how much money do we have in our budget three dollars and 47 cents that's a couple bags maybe

one yeah inflation yeah yeah even frozen ass water is out of my fucking budget it's going up with gas prices water you try to just buy fucking a bag of ice and it's 14 god damn it's supply and demand it's summertime it is okay so if you want to send in something to the show please keep doing that because we'd love send us some ice send us some fucking ice yeah uh hey guys at can you don't podcast.com you cannot send ice to the email wait can you send can you send cold frozen ice with like um dry ice will dry ice keep frozen ice it would fuck frozen ice up what would it do uh make it real icy the hardest ice isn't that what we want we want it to stay cold cold just send us dry ice oh yeah oh my god you used to

make dry ice on my nipples that's not i wasn't that'd be terrible they'd fall off can you fuck with dry ice no but our whole family my nipples i don't fucking need my nipples and all they do is when i run they rub on my shirts and bleed anyway so i don't even fuck it's not like i'm feeding kids just a huge inconvenience these fucking man nipples it makes no sense why men have nipples what size are your nipples i have like kind of big okay fine they're pretty little they're pretty little fucking they're like pennies they're like if you if it was a pizza it'd be a pepperoni you'd be disappointed can i get some more meat in my pizza no sorry just trying to match your nipple cheese pizza

uh so hey guys at can you don't podcast.com if you want to send us dry ice, you can send that in the mail. That's CanYouDon't, P.O. Box 1062, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, 83816. And as of right now, we are happy to announce that our motherfucking Patreon is live. We're going to be doing so much dry ice experiments in there. The whole thing is just us making dry ice bombs and freezing our nipples off? Yeah, little volcanoes. That is quality content. We watch Ryan's World all day and they used to do science experiments so I know a lot of dry ice experiments

we can try. Alright, it just turns into like a weird science show. We'll get the kids, yeah. But the link for our Patreon is in the episode description. Three tiers. Silly Goose, Super Silly Goose and Super Duper Silly Goose. Please go check it out. It's the number one way that you can make sure this podcast keeps

going, and that's to support us on Patreon. And then we have a new t-shirt. We actually dropped this last week. Well, I guess it was... From the time of recording, it was like yesterday. But, from the time you hear this, it's been out for one week. Anaconda and Finch.

Check this shit out. My Anaconda. I have that girl's voice. Where Anaconda and Finch? I'd kiss her if I had one wish. Is that how that? God damn, I miss LFO. Is that LFO?

That's fucking, you can't get the fuck out of here. I thought it was like lit or something. No. Remember lit? See? Was that Logan trying to? Oh, yeah. Okay, got it.

LFO, Summer Girl. So, no monetization on this YouTube video, and I don't care, because we're about to fucking get down on this track. One second here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like a winter girl stop by for the summer. One second here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like a winter girl stopped by

for the summer. In the summer. God, look at this shit. I like girls that wear American Eagle. He died in that set. He died in Kansas. Who did? That guy? When we met last summer. New kids on the block had a bunch of his. Chinese food makes me sick.

I think it's fly away. Girls stop by for the summer. For the summer. I like girls that wear anaconda and finch. That was it. That was the whole setup. You did that whole thing just so you could cut it out? Just so I could set up our merch.

Anyway, we do have shirts. Anaconda and finch. And I want to see these pictures in public because they don't look like there's not a design that's going to be like, oh, that's a fucked up shirt. If you don't read it, you're going to think it's Abercrombie & Finch. Exactly.

And then you do a double take like, oh, who wears Abercrombie? Oh, that's not Abercrombie. That's Anaconda. They're bringing it back. I know. That's available right now. Head over to canyoudontpodcast.com.

And then I have one more thing to bring up before we head into the show and i'm uh sorry that it's sad but after we get done recording this episode today episode six i'm packing up my shit i'm getting on an airplane i i was gonna let you just talk have a moment get through it have a moment well i got a hard time doing that but but but it is true um so if you've listened and followed me over from is we dumb you know that my dad has terminal brain cancer and the terminal part is uh is sneaking right up so hospice nurses said he has hours or days uh my brother my sister or one of my sisters

the other one is not a part of that family she's get get your own family uh she's the other you know half sister but um they're all down there and so i'm gonna show up and head down there and take care of stuff and you know hopefully be Uh, we can all be there surrounded, you know, surrounding my dad and give him love as he moves on and, and we'll see. But, uh,

so if you see me, are you going to mummify him? No, I don't want, that's weird. Can you imagine? Like I've just brought that back and they, in 300 years,

they see what your dad sounded like. Yeah. No, they would hear, they would hear fucking damn it. Joe, that's like the flashlight. No, they would hear, they would hear. Fucking hammer! Damn it! Joe! Hold the flashlight still!

They'd be showing it to me. I'd be like, that's so accurate. That's exactly what he sounded like. No, but you read his will and it's like, mummify me. Motherfucker. That's all it says. His last wish was to be mummified. Leave my motorcycle to Joey and I wish to be mummified. Leave my motorcycle to Joey, and I wish to be mummified.

What? God damn it. We should do that. We should get mummified? Who does? I mean, who does that anymore? We should do that. It might be illegal.

I don't know if you can just keep bodies wrapped up and shit hanging out. Okay, I want my head frozen and my body mummified. All right. Fine. Then noted. Noted. If things go bad for you and it's documented it's documented then i i will uh logan well logan has to help me i can't do this alone all right do you promise to help me logan i got you

i can't just be freezing heads don't just roll me up in like a tarp either like a real mummy you don't have a fucking choice you you better write that in there because if you just say like mama i'm gonna do some weird shit yeah yeah it's true uh i'm gonna make mummify me like a fucking urban dictionary sex move and that's what i'm gonna do to you but i oh well logan and i are uh we feel for you i know it's uh it's very tough thing i'm sorry yeah i know i know it's rough you guys have seen me go through it off the camera but if you're watching on youtube or you hear me being a little more fucking out of my mind i've probably gotten like two hours of sleep in the last three days. So that's it.

That's my excuse. Well, we're going to get you through the show here. So if you don't carry the show, show fucking six is going to be real rough. I'm going to look like that guy with the earth on his shoulders. But it's just my head. It's just you. It's like, come on, baby. Or the statue.

No, the soldiers are pushing a flag up. Never mind. I was thinking like, that could be me. Yeah. The flag could be me. Logan and I are, it's like you and we're propping you up. Right, right. Exactly.

So whatever it is, but thank you guys for the support so far. And I know a lot of you guys have gone through stuff very similar to this. And here I go. I'm making it through and I'm sure I'll talk more about it next week or weeks after and just kind of let it all out here on the show. But for the next hour, we're going to forget my dad exists. God damn it. For the next hour, we're just going to forget about it and have some fun.

Yep. Does that sound good? We're going to sell it. Yeah. We can deal with this afterwards. I'll be on an airplane here in just a fucking handful of hours we're gonna dedicate it to him yes yeah i know he he he loved it he loved uh well i'm not he didn't listen to this one but he did love uh the other podcast so he hated this one he doesn't even know who you are terrible decision i know

i i only started hanging out with you because my dad didn't know that i was gonna be hanging out with such a piece of shit like that's the only way this started. That's what started his decline. He's like, fucking with a Y? God damn it. Boy, I am with a Y? Brain cancer. All right. Okay, Logan, let's get this shit going.

Push the button, bud. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. All right, you found this guy, so I'm going to let you set it up. All right right this one was sent in from our little sport anthony shock a little tiger yeah and it's uh this time it's not a would you rather it's um it's a who would win okay and i love these kind of questions i have this fascination with animals you know i know we've talked about and people there's a lot of

talk about that in emails and on our on our socials with that chart that we brought up on. Was that episode three? I don't know. Yeah, it was way back. It's all blur. Way back. Last year. When your dad was alive.

We're six episodes in. We're six episodes in. You're like, fuck, it was fucking so long ago. It does. We bashed everything. So it seems really long ago.

It does. Okay, so what do we got? I'm going to take off my fucking sweatshirt. It's hot in here so yeah the whole thing about like and like people thinking they can fight animals is hilarious um but so this question was like i said from our little sport anthony he says who would win in a fight to the death one t-rex or a million house cats and we and we looked at that we're like a million house cats. And we looked at that and we're like, a million house cats, that's probably a bit much. Just because a million of anything.

He's just a kid. Yeah, he is. Like a million ants could probably kill you. He is a little kid so it's like asking a question. He doesn't realize how logic works and everything. Kabillion, chagillion. Kajillion. So we decided to change it to 10,000 house cats which is still a lot, but I feel like

it's more reasonable. Yeah. Even though there's no measure. We can't, there's no measure points like, oh yeah, this is more, because maybe you wouldn't fucking maul a million cats. Dude, I saw this in the script when we were setting it up, and I did some math. I just wanted you to know, I just wanted to point, at least give us a base for trying to figure out how this would go down. Okay i don't i don't sure so somebody said

that a t-rex weighs between five and seven tons okay okay uh so 10 to 14 000 pounds so he's 40 feet long 17 feet high guess how much 10 000 cats is how much that weighs let's see cats just 10 pounds maybe sure i went off of there was an average it was it said like between i think it was uh 9.5 and 11.8 and i went off 11 so we want some big fighting cats like they're they're ready to fight they're scrappy they're scrappy they're ready to fight a dinosaur yep guess how many tons 10 000 cats is 55 tons compared to what five to seven tons tons That's a lot of tonnage Fucking cats!

If they all just sat on the T-Rex you couldn't breathe anymore Yeah but they don't I just don't feel like they're going to do that But they're fighting We can't assume the cats are scared Do cats fight well together? Start fighting each other? Let's say they're tomcats they're all about territory what if they start pissing all over each other and

fighting each other so t-rex all he's gotta do is fucking swipe with his big hands yeah well no with his tail because his hands are basically useless in this thing let's just be honest and they have two fingers like yeah it kills me when I think about T-Rex. You have this motherfucker who is so deadly, insanely powerful. Super predator, the best predator of all time. Back in, in the whole world

is scared of this motherfucker and he has tiny two fingered arms. Yep. Just like, meh. Just useless. Like,

just had to keep him humble. Mm-hmm. Well, yeah, when you, like, want to give him proper arms to like,

because they'd be too powerful. They'd be too, it'd be too much yeah you'd be like you can still kill a t-rex somehow but if it had like monster buff arms like a like a kangaroo looks like kangaroo body yeah but could punch imagine a t-rex that could punch they'd even bite anything they just fucking punch they wouldn't need to and then if they had to yeah so i just picture like a t-rex walking along and these things so it's stomping it's swiping its tail mowing like chewing them up yep chomp chomp and basically the only way that this is going to work

is if the cats yeah like you said climb up and just swarm the thing but still they're not going to bite through that skin and stuff you gotta yeah to... They got scratchies. You're hoping that he just eats too many cats at once and chokes. Like, that's... Maybe that's how it is. A huge furball. A furball. He chokes on 30 cats. Afterwards, he's licking himself up.

He just dies. Trying to do, like, his big roar. He's like... The biggest hairball. 10 000 cats but i also thought it was funny if we go back to the original one that our son anthony sent in fucking a million yeah dude a million of anything like you said is so many cats and i actually looked up i know it's just so dumb but i couldn't stop um like what the size of the mass of a million ants would be. And for whatever reason, I found myself in some deep parts of the web and it says was

the size of a baby. So if you squished all the ants together as tight as you can make a newborn baby. Yeah. Yeah. If you could squish them all together, it's the size of a fucking baby. But imagine what they. They can... No. Sorry.

Ants can carry how much? Like 50 times their weight? Oh, I think more than that. Like 5,000. Okay. So now you've got a million ants. It can lift T-Rex up. They can throw him off a cliff.

Yeah, they pick him up and just toss him off a cliff. Because the equivalent of a million things times... So T-Rex is on his back. He's like this with his little hands. Yeah, he's going. Just throwing them. They're carrying him into an anthill. Yeah.

So I just have to say this because I find this fascinating. I love the idea of animals, you know, taking like something powerful, a lot of something weak, and I think it's fascinating. But what I also love is the idea of taking like a super predator out of its element. So let's say you take like a shark and put it on land versus like a monkey. Now, a shark is the best predator.

It's like a super predator in the ocean. But you put it on land and give it like a tree monkey a tree monkey does it get like a cool water helmet no oh just it's gonna die well no it needs a water home no assuming assuming it can just breathe assume like okay hypothetically it's alive okay but it can't it doesn't have the ocean to use it's it's it's a snake it has to learn how to do snake stuff at that point it has to well it doesn't have time to learn you just take it out and you set it It has to wiggle. Well, it doesn't have time to learn. You just take it out and you set it on the land and it's just fucking flopping and a monkey's walking.

It's like... Something tells you the monkey would make a mistake. Yeah. You get one mistake when you're fighting a shark. Yeah. That's all you get. But... You get at least three or four when you're fighting a monkey.

So like, now reverse that. You take like a lion. You put him in the water. The biggest fucking thing. You put him in the biggest fucking thing you put him in the ocean versus like uh they have to swim yeah if they got little like swimmy uh like the arm things that help them swim no no well then they're gonna drown well they'll be so focused on not drowning they can't fight but it's but you that's why you put it up against something that's

not like a it's more of a prey than a predator like a pigeon um no no it's got to be in the water seagull seagull on top of water no okay no because the lion's got to be underwater okay and assuming it can breathe like assuming like the shark could breathe on land the shit that keeps you up at night i know it's fast it's fascinating because think like a lion super predator king of the fucking jungle got it it's not it's the fucking low of the what's the equivalent of king of the jungle food chain the bottom yeah it's the piece of shit the the jester of the ocean how about that off with his fucking head so you have a lion just trying to tread water versus like um a blowfish or a crocodile.

That's a pretty good one. But crocodile in waters, they're feisty. Both of them on land. Crocodiles know how to do land stuff. I know, but that's too versatile of an animal. And that's a predator. I'm talking like something that's more of a prey. You know what I'm saying? Like a blowfish? Sure, like a blowfish. This is killing me right now.

So, a blowfish versus a lion is just trying to tread water yeah but it's still a fucking lion yeah you know what i mean i do what i'm yeah man i got you dude i would that's that's some entertaining stuff right there that's the the next pay-per-view event next on triller or whatever yeah the the setup and then all you do is watch a fucking lion tread water with intense music and a shark flopping on land with a monkey slapping it and the monkey's just like watching it he's like i don't okay what do you what do you think is more of a threat just like it's just a fucking shark wishing it was fucking back in the water god damn it put me back in the ocean what do you think is

more of a threat a lion in the ocean or a shark on land like what's your oh i'm going i'm going lion in the ocean okay probably i don't know i don't know fucking logan do you have anything out there yeah besides laughing laughing through the wall if I had to choose between those two interesting choices which one would you fight I'd rather fight the shark because it doesn't have limbs that could reach out it's got razor sharp teeth yeah but if you stay away from the fucking teeth

what's he going to do thrash his head I'm thinking if a lion's got a tail he can whip you he's still got his arms that he can thrash at lions don't have arms they're four legged animals he's still got his arms that he could thrash at. Lions don't have arms. They're four-legged animals. We're not talking about a T-Rex here. Okay, take a T-Rex play him in the ocean.

A T-Rex, do you think the T-Rex could swim? You think he could doggy paddle? Lifeguard! Rex-y paddle? No one wants to do that. Just the fastest splashes okay so back to the question okay in a fight to the death t-rex 10 000 house cats based off just pure exhaustion i don't know if the t-rex would be able to battle that many cats it's just too

many fucking cats and i think they all can scratch you and bite you. They're going to draw blood. You're probably going to bleed out. That's so many bites. What the fuck are you going to do? Infection. You get some sort of infection. Yep.

Just so we... And Andy, or Anthony, he is team pussy. He wrote hashtag team pussy. So he's team cat. So he's with the catties. Yeah, he's with the cats. I think I am too. I think it's just too many cats.

If you look at the weight again that i brought out t-rex five to seven tons ten thousand cats is 55 tons that's a lot that's a huge weight differential like they could just squish him that's yeah but you're just saying you're with the weight just saying you're assuming that they're all they're fighting as a cohesive unit you have to assume that i don't assume anything take them on one at a time like yeah okay t-rex have you ever seen alley cats they're just fucking back there your cat carl comes back all beat up from a bender what he has to they have to you have to

assume they want to fight the t-rex you can't make them like break them off into clicks like i don't know how it just makes it so complex like well what kind of breed are the cats well those don't get along with the garfield ones imagine this though like you know like the war scenes in movies you have like this one side over here and the other side so picture that same thing with the t-rex walking up and then fucking a million fucking house cats over here and the t-rex is walking up and just as far as the i can see yeah cats hey you hear my dogs yeah i can that's pretty cool what are they saying hey hey food person person there's plenty of food i saw there was plenty of food okay so i'm going cats okay uh that's probably the right choice but i want to. But I want to go with T-Rex just because no one else.

Because you feel bad? Logan, yeah. Logan, what do you think? Man, I'm going to go with cats, too. Okay. Outnumbered. I think it'll wear them down. He can't fight.

I mean, but he does have infinite fuel if he just keeps eating the motherfuckers. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing. Is there a time limit? Are we talking like this is a three day battle Where they just wear him down It's a battle to the death bro The great war

The great war The war of Six A million BC Right Yeah let's just I'm going with cats Fuck it

I like it Okay well thank you Thank you Anthony Thanks for sending that in buddy I'm now going to share What I'm thinking about Are we ready for that Yeah let's do it

Okay I think I have a fun one It just happened Logan Hey Hey what's up babe what I'm thinking about. Are we ready for that? Okay, yeah, let's do it. Okay, I think I have a fun one. It just happened. Logan. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Ah, you know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Like I mentioned right before we came in, this did just happen. And I haven't told either one of you about this. So with the recording day today, I wasn't going to have time to go and get food before we came into the studio to record um so i ordered some food from grubhub and to my to

my advantage or to my to my side to my argument there's so many robo calls that go on today from i don't even from all over the place and they're getting better at it like they like names will pop up and they'll be from the city that you're in and you're like that this is just some fucking insurance guy trying to get me to up my warranty on my car um but in this case it is totally my fault because i basically forgot i ordered food so i called grubhub i got my i got my food on the way and then we're busy. We're at the office and we're working on different shit. I, and I just kind of forgot what I was doing. Uh, when I ordered the food off Grubhub, I typed in, just call me, call me when you're out front. Uh, and I'll run out and I'll grab the food. So, uh, you know, 45 minutes later, I get this phone

call and it says like, whatever name it is on it. And I just thought it was what I was. It was like, I guess silenced it. It calls right back. I'm like, call and it says like whatever name it is on it. And I just thought it was what I was like, I guess silenced it. It calls right back. I'm like, oh, so persistent. Fucking silenced it. I think it's went back to work and it didn't call back again for like 15 minutes. And then it called back one more time and I silenced it. I was like, dude.

And then it dawned on me. It was a girl. But I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, fuck me. Like I'm looking at the clock. I'm like, oh shit. That was my food. So I call him back and they just took it back to the place like they took it back like sorry we tried to reach you uh you know it's like i was like i'm sorry i was recording i couldn't blah blah and luckily they brought it back out to me but how easy it is to forget and be so fucking stupid in that moment was it freezing cold too yeah yeah i ruined it

miserable miserable cold fucking pita i but i mean it was still oh it's a pita so that's pretty bad yeah yeah but i but dude she was so annoyed she goes well anytime you hear and she goes she goes okay uh and you know her like she's getting she's getting the same tip like through the app I don't have I don't have cash on I couldn't tip her extra for being a

being a dipshit but I just I cancelled it three times she even spaced it out she even went and she dropped off other food and then came back

around again to try and give me my food what a sleaze bag and I guess I guess candor just straight to voicemail and your voicemail

is the worst by the way that's not fair I get a lot of compliments on my voicemail just your voicemail is the worst by the way that's not fair i know a lot of compliments on my voicemail just for the folks for the kids at home i haven't changed this is i've had this for probably 16 years but i get i do get a lot of compliments i'll bring it up you can keep talking compliment no i i can't imagine you get compliments. I do get compliments. I will call Joe, and I'll go to his voicemail. He's like, hey! I'm like, oh, hey, how's it going?

And then, are you going to play it? I'm going to play it. Okay. I'm waiting for it to load. But the story behind this voicemail greeting is that I was making fun of my brother. At the time, I was still in college, and he left college, and he went out and got a real cool job. A professional job. And I called him one time. I don't know why, but it's still so funny to me. He left college and he went out and got a real cool job. A professional job.

I called him one time. I don't know why, but it's still so funny to me. It was so aggressive. It wasn't like, hi, you've reached Max Paisley with blah, blah, blah. Please leave a name and number after the beep. I'll get back to you as soon as I can. That's the professional one. For whatever reason, my brother goes, hey, Max Paisley for Stryker!

Please leave your name and number after the beep! Call me back as soon as I can! Bye! Like, it's just way too aggressive. So I made this to mock him, and then I haven't changed it ever since. Let me see if I can get it to play through the... Through the phone. Hi!

Thanks for calling the voicemail box! Just kidding. What? That's it. Yeah. And so the first time that I called you, you did that. And I was like, oh, you got me. Yeah.

And then it went, oh, you son of a bitch. And then a while went by and I did it again. And I'm like, wait, is that, was that how that went? And then I did it again. So it happened. It got fooled twice. Fool me once. Fool me once.

Can't get it again. So it happened, it got fooled twice. Fool me once, fool me, fool me once, can't get fooled again. You're a nerd. Anyway. But you're an asshole. Okay. And that's fine. And I did feel bad.

I did get my food. Bless her heart for going all the way back to the shop and then coming all the way back to work to give me my food. So are you going to go down to PETA and say that this little, this fine little gal and give her a tip? Another tip? I think she worked for Grubhub, not them.

So I'll have to, she has to come back around and- Is there a Grubhub office? I don't know. There's no hub? I don't think there's a- It's a Grubhub and there's no hub? Where's the fucking hub? Where do you get the grub from?

Right. I don't know. But if I see her again, maybe, and I've had some cash, I could have given her a hug. Maybe she listens. But I did apologize. Okay. I don't know. But if I see her again, maybe, and I've had some cash, I could have given her a hug. Maybe she listens. But I did apologize. Okay. I did apologize. In case she listens and she'll owe you, you want to give her a real apology?

Yeah. Her name actually popped up on my phone, so I can get her a real name here. And I'll say sorry one second here. Oh, Sandy. Sandy. I'm so fucking sorry. Do you have any slow music or anything you could add to it? No.

We don't think that. I have this which which we do we are aware we see the emails we see the posts that they want ringtones we'll get you that and we this will be that's like the perfect text alert every time you get text as my text but sandy i, I'm fucking sorry that I'm dumb. I specifically told you to call me, and then you kept on calling me, and I kept on ignoring you. That's the worst thing. Hey, call me. I'm going to call you. Don't answer. Don't answer.

I know. I felt so dumb. Every time I go to the grocery store, my wife's like, call me if you can't find the whatever. And you call me, it'll pick up. I get to the store, I call, and she doesn't pick up. I'm standing in the aisle. There's people standing like, do you know where i can get the fucking whatever she asked me to get my fucking wife and it's a it's a woman saying like you must know where they're at okay

okay oh oh oh geez okay okay um so but to my advantage there's so many robocalls these days i i get like five six seven a day a day. And they're 1-888 or 1-84 or one something. And then I, and mine get, are getting better and better. Like they're just getting

to cities that are closer and closer to me. Well, here's what's happening to me. I don't answer them that every once in a while. I'm like, fuck,

it's calling again. I'll answer it. And then nothing, it's silent. And then it just goes, it just ends. Like you son of a bitch. You prank.

Yeah. I figured I answered it. I won it first. I did. And I lost and then you are gone. Yeah Okay. Well, that's what I was thinking about. I'm sweating. Look at this. Should we take a picture take a look at each other's dicks? Yeah Cool. Look at my arm. Why sweat? Why who who has trained these puppies in my house who raised these dogs? Oh Yeah, I hear what are they doing up there get the worst roommates okay let's look at each other's dicks logan please is it

i'm gonna go first this week but before we do that I'd say Griff, I had one wish She's been gone since that summer Since that summer Hip-hop mama, that's where I can span Met you one summer and it all began You're the best girl that I ever did see The girl that I would cherish In 33 November 15th, 2005 What?

Boogaloo shrimp and pogo sticks I thought that was when I was in high school That was college? Boogaloo shrimp and pogo sticks. I thought that was when I was in high school. That was college? Boogaloo shrimp and pogo sticks. What? Who? How did they get away with this? Wait, that was the lyric?

I wasn't listening. I was listening to the dogs. I just happened to click on it. Boogaloo shrimp and pogo sticks. My mind takes me back there oh so quick. Lift you off the hook like my man Mr. Limping. Think about that summer And I bug Cause I miss it

Like the color purple Macaroni cheese Ruby red sneakers In a bunch of trees Call you up But what's the use I like Kevin Bacon But I hate Footloose

Oh That's mean He likes Kevin Bacon But he hates Footloose That can't be real I'm looking at you There's no way You hate Footloose

Stereotyping Okay let's move on but that song is gonna be burning my head for the rest of this episode great uh this is about as much of a hypocrite as you could possibly be intoxicated redland or redland mayor karen williams crashed car one hour after meeting with drunk driving victims. What? Rejects advocates call to resign. If it rejects. No. Well, I didn't mean it.

I was drunk. Yeah, that was true. You can't pin that on me. This didn't happen. Yes, it did. So Redland Mayor Karen Williams has stepped down from the Brisbane Olympics board. Is this Australia? Yeah, sounds like it. After admitting she

consumed several drinks before crashing her car, but the mother of the young woman killed by the drunk driver says she must also resign as mayor. Wait, wait, she killed? No, she showed up to like, to talk about how bad drunk driving is. Oh, okay. But she was talking to the young woman, the mother of the young woman that was killed,

and then just took off and got arrested for drunk driving. That's amazing. Dude, what the fuck? Mrs. Williams has apologized for crashing her car hours after delivering the Redlands City Council budget, admitting she consumed several drinks over some hours and made a rash decision, quote unquote, to drive herself home. She has not been charged by police. No bystanders were injured in the crash shortly before the crash the mayor was in a video meeting with the families of drinking and driving victims including judy lindsey whose

daughter hayley was killed by a drunk driver a decade ago and then just sat there and was like yep yep yep anyway like just taking shots off camera like pausing the like turning her video off is how i picture going down this is like slamming shots coffee it's probably like a coffee cup or something anyway that's so bad yeah he's fucking getting hammered talking then what how how do you do that well i mean i get how it happened but if you're gonna put yourself in a position where you're going to be mayor and you're going to be doing meetings like this uh there's times you find yourself in weird fucking situations you don't want to be in uh have you ever like had to give you gave advice when you shouldn't be the person that was giving advice no but not no but i did i as you were reading i was like giving advice on how to be tall right yeah and i was like no this

is all you got to do baby so what you got to eat here's the workout that i do and it on how to be tall. Right. And I was like, no, this is all you got to do, baby. So what you got to eat. Here's the workout that I do. It's going to be a lot of work. You got to wake up early, got to hit the gym. And then you're going to be six, seven, just like me. I guess if I was telling somebody how to please a woman or something like that, I don't have any frame of reference for that. Never worked out.

I'm just reading off a website or something. Yeah. But I did picture like, well, as you're reading that, do you remember like dare and stuff in high school yeah drugs are really expensive um drugs is you know when we drugs you know in the late in like the 80s and 90s there was a whole drug thing in schools where they were like to keep kids off drugs they used to bring it at least in our school i remember a guy bringing in it like he opened up a briefcase and he showed us all the different kind of drugs and stuff like that yeah and said you need to keep off drugs so i'm i'm picturing like after this class is over this dewey we walk the line or hard walk or whatever it is oh that's right yep uh they're in the closet doing it's probably addictive it's not

habit forming um but so i visualize this guy like with his briefcase showing all the kids like like kids like i was like this is math this is don't do not do these drugs this will happen so class is over when you go out to recess and the dude's like in the car in the slide yeah he's like he's like doing doing the drugs that he was showing you telling you not to do he's on top of the monkey bars tying off he didn't realize there was one more recess. Oh, shit. And although not funny, obviously not funny. Fucking that mayor probably that resigned.

That is so fucked up. But along the same vein, and I will tell you if I was older and my friends were older, we would not have let our friend do this because it is stupid. But this happened back in high school. It was early on. And we were drunk. We were drinking. I don't know about your high school career but it's a lot of what mine was i didn't oh okay logan i actually i know i didn't drink in high school one bit

huh we were or honestly in college until like like when did you give up when did you give up on life uh senior year college cool nice so anyway i was drugged the whole time in high school i having a lot more fun than you fucking and uh and uh nerds nerds geez alcohol or nothing and uh one of our friends who i he i think i think he's allergic to alcohol unfortunately he fucking loves alcohol but he's one of our friends who he i think i think he's allergic to alcohol unfortunately he fucking loves alcohol but he's one of those dudes where he would have like three beers and you'd think he had 14 he's just one of those just like his entire body mannerisms the way he could talk just changed uh like i have to be like fucking 15 of those deep to get to where he was on on three

so anyway cheap cheap yeah uh cheap date baby uh and we've been in love ever since no and he was on on three so anyway cheap cheap yeah uh cheap date baby uh and we've been in love ever since no and he was trying to leave a party and he goes he goes he goes over drive we're like you can't go you can't just stay here it's like no i promised my parents i gotta go i gotta go i think you gotta go hunting or something you're gonna go hunting in the morning but i have to go home good you're gonna be handling a firearm a firearm. This story gets better and better. Go bag yourself a lion, big boy. And then he's arguing with us, and we're trying to get him there and not let him drive.

And he turns around, and I shit you not, he goes, come on, I'm the best drunk driver. And for whatever reason, shortly after he got away from us, and he got out of there, and he drove, and he never went hunting because he got arrested for dui so he was not the best world best driver but i remember it all the time and we still say it to him to this day if we're out we're like oh guys i gotta get out of here don't worry i'm the best drunk driver dude that should be that should be a shirt of them by now that should be a shirt to assure you get fucking do imagine wearing that to the bar just says i'm the best drunk driver dude you might as well just go get your mug shot

like you are you are 100 arresting yourself that's pretty funny though it's pretty funny it's pretty funny but also not funny if you are the mayor of brisbane well and it's not funny to drink and drive it's not at all that's what i'm saying yeah it's not funny it's the opposite of funny don't do it it's it's funny that you think that you're the best driver right yeah like because you do i'm the best at i'm not even drunk i'm dry dry i focus harder yeah it makes me if anything i just like stare at the wrong focus hard uh but that was it that's what i had so fuck that mayor she should probably resign and i feel bad for the family that she met with and i wish i had a transcript of what was said like all these

things like yeah i'm gonna crack down on it and then just crack so ungenuine i'm gonna crack down on it anyway ends the meeting just yeah yeah i'm gonna crack yeah i'm cracking i mean could you it's like it's you you take that and you put it any situation you're talking to someone who's like a rape survivor or a something something and then you're terrible you just go out and rape somebody immediately go rape someone right after that that reminds me i've got a rape appointment yeah coming up right it's just as i mean you're fucking terrible anything i don't know why i jumped to that but like any because it's, because it's awful.

Because it's awful. But like anything, you put a situation where you're against something, against it, and then you immediately go do that right after. Yeah.

Because you're just lying to the people. Larry Craig, remember? Yeah. Idaho's guy? Yeah, yeah. Who was like super,

anti-gay marriage. Gays are the worst. And he's just getting his dick sucked in the bathroom by dudes. Yeah, tap, tap, tap. So weird. Anyway.

All right, let's take a look at your dick. Speaking of sucking. Okay, let me show what I do. What kind of vibe for your music bed do you want? Ooh, well. What, happy rock? We're talking about Death Row.

Oh, what's? Death Row Records. All bound? You got like a Dr. Dre or something? No. I think that would be. LFO? I'll tell you what I do have.

It's this. Came in the door. I see it all through this I'll turn it down You just read it over I think Suge Knight might be in the audience Okay so this guy Georgia death row inmate allowed to ask for firing squad Instead of painful lethal injection

Okay Michael Nance who was sentenced to death in 2002 After being convicted 20 years ago Convicted of murder Argues that lethal injection would cause undue pain and suffering. Okay. So a man on death row in the U.S. has won the right to challenge whether he's been given lethal injection.

He'd rather die from a firing squad, but it's not approved method in Georgia. So basically, the supreme court is saying that he can challenge the execution protocol under his civil rights okay okay all right i hear it okay and i'm not i i don't understand it but i'm not surprised and it's just funny that someone on death row is like ah this could be inconvenient for me yeah Yeah. You know. Absolutely. But I. Listen, I'm trying to write a book. Yeah. This is really going to.

I am so close to getting through the Bible. So close. 20. It took me 20 years. It took me 20 years to get through the Bible and you're going to kill me right now? Can I have one more week to save myself? Yeah. So it got me thinking like, what's, if you could choose, let's say you're on death row.

I am. And what would you choose? How would I choose to die? Yeah. Like if it could be a modern thing or it could be like an old medieval way to like any way, like a death sentence. Like, how do you want, how do you want to die? Do you want something short, quick?

I know one way I don't.'t you want to go out in a blaze you know yeah i mean i do go to the to the big one but if i'm going to do a big go out with a bang i don't want to hurt anybody else while i do it i also don't want to make anybody else clean up my mess okay it's kind of where i would go to i so yeah i mean like setting an rv on fire and just flying into the grand canyon well fun well hold on you're you're you're going a little bit too far there oh i'm talking about like a structured oh i'm fucked i mean i'm in jail you're on death row can you imagine if you're on death row and you're you're the way that like chosen you have to die is

lighting a mobile home on fire shooting you into the grand canyon i was going to get there but you you jumped too far there because i actually have that i was actually going to get to that point yes i have in my notes go big oh drive off cliff okay that's what i that's what i in a fiery crash because when we were putting stingers together i love 80s fiery like a car flying into an explosion um so go but go back that's a nice fuma by the way thank you people that aren't watching don't know you have fuma right now yeah yeah yeah the wife loves it what does mataka say i showed logan this one time there's a super cut of, what's his name? God damn it. James Hetfield. James Hetfield.

Yeah, it's like two minutes long. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! It's just all yes. We maybe got to play that on the show sometime. It's like 30 years of him saying, yeah! Yeah!

It's my favorite. Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Anyway, back to you, James. So, let's just start with this. If you could choose like a modern way to die. So, lethal injection.

Flamethrower. No. Firing squad. Something that's structured. Well, it's just lethal injection or electric chair. That's all you get. Okay, pick one of those. Does firing squad get to be in there, too?

Sure, yeah. I'll do firing squad. Okay. Now, if you could choose like a medieval way, like a guillotine or some sort of like a blood eagle. Or a blood eagle?

Stretching. Have you heard of those? Oh yeah. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Would you do that just for fun? No.

Oh. Or imagine, like don't, didn't they like be a sick postcard? They hook your arms and your limbs up to horses and they just stretch you to death.

Oh, you stretch you until you blow up? Yeah. That's terrible. No, the blood eagle, yeah, they cut your ribs from the back and then pull them through yeah

that's fun that's pretty sweet I mean so like it's probably quick and painless that you don't want to have show pain yeah I don't want this

you want this on TV and you get to just show off if I'm going to choose how I die I don't want two horses to rip me apart if I get to choose

nay please nay I'm going to go hanging maybe hanging guillotine that's fun a guillotine seems like because you the anticipation would suck but you are alive the heads are alive have you seen those there's a whole report do you not know this well i mean i guess i i've had this thought before like so if they chop the head off so fast you're actually still alive for I forget how many seconds it is

so your head falls in a fucking basket you can look around that's why they'll pick the head up and the eyes would actually look around the crowd because it's still alive for it's awesome because it's still got enough blood to keep it working that's fucking nuts

I love that wow big fan I'm going to draggan in again i feel like logan has something good here um maybe like just blow me up and something insane just like shove some dynamite in you or a big fireworks display okay or suck some gas or sucks a gas in and then light your blow yourself up yeah and shoot your rib across the room and see if you can scar somebody if you're confused about that is one of the later episodes of is we dumb that will stick with me forever uh some welding guy fucking watch this he just blew himself up um so yeah right so we

so we have those and then i have like a couple different layers like assuming they let you just do what you're do you're like pick the way you want to die so it doesn't have to be a form of execution so you have like the old the Japanese way where then they're like the shame where they stab themselves in the gut. Yeah what's that called? Sapoku? Is that what it's called? That's not right. I don't

What's it called when samurais had to kill themselves? No. Hari Hari Kari? Harry Kari? Hi! if you were if you let somebody let you kill yourself i'll just do it i'd give myself cold curve god damn it you really gonna throw up oh my god i'm getting over being sick what am i even talking about over here you're thinking thinking Sudoku, the game. What?

Sudoku, the letter game. That's what I'm thinking about? Yeah. No, that's not it. It's like, here's how I want to die. Watch somebody play Sudoku. Just get bored, bore myself to death. I know what the answers are, but they won't listen to me.

Yes. And then that's how I die. I've never. It's like a ghost. Imagine being a ghost and someone's playing Sudoku and you're haunting this house while someone's playing Sudoku they're reading it out loud and you're like the answer is 7

and they can't hear you fuck you guys it's seppuku and that's when the samurais kill themselves seppuku s-e-p-p-u-k-u good for you that's cultured I saw Last Samurai And then

Hari Kara Hari Kara So I was close Hare Krishna I guess they're the both thing I don't know Realistic suicide By dismemberment

Disbalmance You cut your fucking stomach open Harry Carey Disbalmance I just It sounds like you shit yourself No just shit yourself to death I would not go that route That would be That would be fun though that would be kind of an entertaining way though

if everyone on death row had to kill themselves how would they do it yeah i have like so i have that way to slit your own throat just leap leap to your death and then the last thing that i had was you beat me to it but it's basically like you can do anything you want. Paper view. Yeah. Like, you could go get on a motorcycle. You know, you could, what's his name? Evil Knievel. Evil Knievel yourself, but you die. But no safety plan. Right.

Yeah. And the Grand Canyon, a motorcycle into the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Man, that'd be scary, though. But I guess you'd wrap your head around it. Be like, well, this is how I'm going to do it, and I it i'm gonna do it big maybe you can sell some tickets for your family like so everyone can come and watch yeah some sick fucks and yeah some money some money that you could leave to your family well you're on death row maybe maybe because they're already maybe all the fundraiser options are taken off the table yeah so they're like okay we can only do so much

we're letting you kill yourself just dial it back a little listen i'm gonna want a fucking lemonade stand my kids are gonna run the lemonade stand that one taco truck that's great down on fourth street i want kettle corn and i want a fucking motorcycle and a tv crew i want monster energy drink red bull all that shit Red Bull does not give you wings. It's like those... In this case. Angel wings. You never answered me on any of them. How would you die medieval-wise? What would you do?

If there's anything you had to pick? Well, hang yourself or... Guillotine was my first initial thought. And then I did have the thought, do you stay alive afterwards? For a little bit. And if there's no pain. Did you stick your tongue out? Yeah.

Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm dead. Yeah. I mean, if there's no pain, that'd be kind of cool. Just be like, your body's cut off and you get to see some people before you die. If it's painless. Yeah.

Probably not. There's got to be some pain. But I imagine there's nerve endings, so you got to feel it. There's got to be a lot of pain. I don't know. Who cares? You're going to die. Let's just fuck it. Let's just go with the horse route

right just rip me in half yeah rip me in half and then that sound the sound that would make oh god just it sounds like Logan stretching

Logan Mr. Fucking Fucking can you do that into the mic can you pop noisy bones oh there it is just a bunch of those and then this this sound of skin just stretching and peeling and ripping like velcro just

and that's the last sound you make okay so i have okay here's the way i'm gonna here's the way i'm gonna do it okay i'm gonna do i'm gonna go um evil can evil start not on it i'm going to, here's the way I'm going to do it. Okay. I'm going to do, I'm going to go, um, Evel Knievel, not on a, I'm going to, fuck it, let's use the RV. Okay. And we're going to put a ring of fire and we're going to start back and we're doing this in the Grand Canyon. With a shark on top of the RV.

Yes. That can breathe. Well, no, it's in the RV, so I have to fight off, I have to fight off the shark in the RV. Hopefully I'd. And you'll land in a pool with a swimming lion. Yep. Okay.

This is all coming full circle now. I kind of like that idea. So you're put into a pit. You're put into a pit, and there's a sand bar, and there's water, and there's a lion in the water, and there's a shark on land. You have to choose which one to fight. That's it. We turned the opening question into a fucking death row who do you have a who would you rather fight do i have to die

either way this is how we end this segment is you have to pick one of those shark you're fighting the shark yeah fuck just like oh my god why i think i'm fighting the lion dude because i just feel like maybe you can grab its mane and get around it. Just hang on it. Maybe choke it out or something. But I feel like one little... Because they can't swipe. Like in the water.

Oh, they can swipe? You ever had a dog climb on you when they're dog paddling in the water? It's the fucking worst. Yeah, that hurts. But on land, if a lion swipes you with its claw, it could kill you with one swipe. Yeah, but they're not there. but like on land if a lion swipes you with its claw it could kill you with one swipe. Yeah but they're not there. But if they're paddling and they touch you

and you're trying to swim you're fucking dead. And they're big. Dude you're dead. Fight the shark with us. Join us. Me, you and Logan fighting a shark

a land shark. Come on. Just do it. Okay. Okay good. Alright are you ready to move on? Yeah.

Okay Logan set us up baby. Go. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real.

The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right, Logan, what's our first case for today? Andrew and his wife don't see eye to eye when it comes to cleaning certain things around the house. When it comes to the bathroom in particular, that typically falls under his wife's domain. Andrew doesn't think the bathtub or shower needs to be cleaned very often because it's a self-cleaning appliance, so to speak. She does not agree whatsoever. Okay.

What do you guys think? I'm a, I mean mean i'm a neat freak first of all what your standards of clean like what do you what do you do like is it surface like if you don't out of sight out of mind or are you digging deeper what the fuck are my dogs doing what are they barking at i don't know is there little dogs they bark is there a monster is there a monster outside the window what are they barking at there's a shark flopping down the street i tried to bring him downstairs a couple of times but that door won't stay shut upstairs oh my god let's just go kill him okay we'll be right brb um yeah so your cleaning habits.

Do you just do surface level stuff and don't worry about the germs? Every couple of weeks I'll get in and it will do a toilet and a bleach of the shower and all that. Okay. I like things clean. I know we joked about leaving the clothes and stuff out, but I don't like to be dirty. I like to be clean. Right. But I am interested in this guy like he's saying that um typically falls under his wife's domain is is that because she's a woman

and is that how he i think he cleans other things not the not the bathroom maybe she's not happy with uh maybe when he cleans the bathroom he does a really bad job and she doesn't want any part of that yeah yeah some i mean it's the whole some things like it's like you know if i do the laundry i'm going to do a terrible job so i better not do it yeah because he just doesn't i don't know yeah just fuck it up but the the argument that it is a self-cleaning appliance is a little little too much it's not an oven it's no it's not and there's a very easy way to figure this out. Just don't clean it for a bit.

Just keep using it and just see if it turns into a slip and slide of moss and fucking yuck. And smell. Because it will. Because it will. So it's not self-cleaning. You can't just keep on taking a bath and not clean out the fucking bath. It just turns into a, I don't care how much water you're putting on it. Water isn't a disinfectant. It's not taking care of it.

If anything, it's helping more things grow. Yeah, warm water and moistening the environment. Yeah, so fucking what? I think I don't clean my lower legs in the shower, like below my knees. Those are self-cleaning because the soap runs down there. You still want to bend over. That's probably using the logic that he's probably using. The soap's dripping off of him, so it's cleaning everything.

You're throwing shampoo in your hair. You wash that out. It cleans it. But no, it's not scrubbing it. It's not doing the same thing. Nope. Not at all. I think this is pretty much open and closed.

Yeah, it's open and shut. What do you think? Open and closed. Ding, ding, ding. Where's my lawyer suit? Logan, are you with us on this? Yeah, absolutely. It gets dirty.

It is not self-cleaning. This guy is in la-la land. Yeah. Andrew, I'm sorry, man. I know you brought this in, babe, but it's just not you. Nope, you're wrong. And you need to give your wife a million dollars. Yep.

And tell her. That's final ruling. One million dollars goes to your wife and you have to move out. I don't know. That's fair. Or just go clean the fucking bathtub. You can move out.. As one million dollars goes to your wife and you have to move out. I don't know. Or just go clean the fucking, go clean the bathtub. You can move out, you pay one million dollars, or you could just go clean the shower. Or just go clean the- Really?

That's the easiest thing. Very lenient courtroom. You choose. One million dollars and move out or go clean the fucking shower. Spray down a little bit of Clorox scrub and get out of there. But this did make me think, for whatever reason when I was going through it, it's just fucked up shit that has been found in hotel rooms because I know that there's a ton of them. And I'm not going to go through a bunch of them, but there's, I was reading through these

earlier today and somebody wrote, they found like a pillowcase that was absolutely covered in shit. And the people went in there and they're like, what the fuck? And they just went back out and the pillow was just covered in human human feces and i don't know how the maids missed that one uh but it goes on and on obviously there's plenty of shit things but they've they've uh reportedly found a half-skinned deer carcass uh hanging out in a hotel room which i'm gonna skin my fucking dogs if they don't shut the fuck up! That didn't work. Was it like in The Godfather when they pull the covers back?

It's just a deer. And then one hotel employee confesses that there was apparently a murder over a drug deal that went wrong. And under the bed was a fucking hand. So whoever cleaned it up just left a whole entire hand behind. Well, that's evidence. You're not supposed to touch evidence Sure as shit is Blow up dolls

That's it Adult film shoot was taking place It just goes on Mystery slime They don't know where it came from Booty shaped chocolate stains Like it's just Stop

Stop This goes on and on I'm already You know how Wait till we get to our Our hey guys And we hear from our listeners today About some of the shit

That they've done in drive-thrus It's really gonna I don't know if I should name The hotel here in Coeur d'Alene That we stayed at No don't Don't Don't do it

I know which one it is And you cannot name it Do not do it I won't do it Okay But we stayed there And there was like Blood on the

On the pull-out bed Of the couch And on the On the thing And we went And they changed rooms It's part of the experience so gross i was just it ruined the whole trip uh before we move on to our second

case for petty beef this week i do want to do just this for us okay dude he's so cool. Let's hit that chorus though. Please tell me why My car's in a fire I forgot about this video. And I'm sleeping with my clothes on Okay, great.

I guess I had to get that. It was boiling up inside of me since you ever... You had to get it out. Since you incorrectly confused LFO for lit. On what? Yeah. Oh, you confused them. Now we're going to do what we say on purpose?

Mm-hmm. Oh, entertainment baby? Mm-hmm. Okay. All right, Logan, what's our second case? Jacob doesn't necessarily have a disagreement he needs settled, but he does need clarification. He isn't overreacting or something oh sorry i fucking read that it's okay i'm gonna stop the music and stop the music okay

and this will clear the slate okay go again all right here we go okay jacob doesn't necessarily have a disagreement that he needs settled but he does need clarification he isn't overreacting or something that happened between him and his wife, Amber. Okay. Let's take a look at it. First of all. Did you call his wife Amber? Amber.

I think it's Amber. Which, once again, is not your wife. I need to state this again. This is the second week in a row that it's been Amber. This is not my wife and I. Apparently, Amber is just like. They've fallen off trees. Fallen off trees.

Growing on trees these days. They just falling off trees growing on trees they're falling off trees i'm shoving them out of the tree what the fuck out of here what they say about amber is i want to push them out of trees i but here here's what jacob wrote in he says my wife and i bought a couch a couple years ago while we were looking for a couch i told her that i wanted a leather or faux leather couch. I even showed her the exact couch that I wanted. She, however, wanted a cloth couch. So you can guess what kind of couch we got. Obviously, the cloth couch.

Happy life, happy life. I say all that to say that a week ago, we were having to look for a new couch because our couch is ripped, stained, and broken from kids and three large dogs. Yes, I get it. Well, we went back to the same place we bought our current shitty couch. And guess what fucking couch she wants now? Yep, the exact couch I told her I wanted in the first place. Maybe a little immature, but I don't even want that couch on principle now. That'll show her. Anyways, thank you guys for letting me vent that out.

And if you use this on the show, please make sure to give my wife, Ander, a shout out. I would apologize for the length of this, but we all know Joe likes them long and hard to read i would push her out of a tree well that's what's aware we're aware of that um yeah i don't think you're overreacting no it does remind me of just like it's a it's a kid it's a it's a kid yeah like i've had this happen with um it happened just recently with ezra he fought me over bringing a bathing suit to a birthday party where the whole point was like water stuff he's like I'm not going to do it I'm like just bring it he's like I don't want it

I'm not going to get in the water and I was like just you have to bring it and you threw him into the nightstand and you're like take it I put his bathing suit on and shoved him into the nightstand but I made him take it and I picked him up he had a blast and he wore his bathing suit it reminds me of that into the nightstand. Yeah, that'll show him. But I made him take it, and I picked him up, he had a blast, and he wore his bathing suit. It reminds me of that same thing. Same thing with Pepper.

Pepper had, like, volleyball, and I told her to bring a sweatshirt, because we had to watch Ezra play soccer afterwards. She goes, no, I'll be plenty, it's plenty warm out. We got out there, and it just started pouring rain. And she just stood there in the rain, and I was like, fucking, fucking told you. I was caught in the rain!

Right. Kids! Reminds me of that. That's what they do. and I was like, fucking told you. I was caught in the rain. Right. Kids. Reminds me of that. That's what they do. Let's go on a bike ride. Let's go on a walk. And then three minutes into it, you're carrying everyone's bikes.

But we did the exact same thing that this guy did. Except I actually talked my wife into getting a leather couch just so you could wipe because they spill ice cream. They spill popsicles, all this shit. Being able to take a leather couch just so you could wipe because they they spill ice cream they spill popsicles all this shit being able to take a rag and just go wipe it right off yeah and it's tough leather so it's not splitting when the kids are running on there with their shoes

yeah uh we have two boys and if we had a cloth couch it would be fucked yeah we had a cloth couch first guess what fucked yeah and now this one's actually pretty much fucked but uh probably get a new one soon um but you're not overreacting you're not not at all they're open and shut now they're open and shut like that is so frustrating and i know there's going to be examples of this in relationships out there where it's like i told you i told you so and i'm telling you right now i want to hear them please we would love to go through these send those in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com um amber you owe uh jacob uh a million dollars or you have to clean the bathroom is that i don't know how this we're terrible lawyers what if everything was a million dollars go clean the shower

like that's your punishment doesn't't even matter what the case is. It's about kidnapping children. Okay, well what you can do, you get a million dollars and you have to go clean the shower. It's like when you go to confession and they're like, do your Hail Marys or whatever. But you come to us and we're just like, clean the shower. You just go clean the shower. That's it? Yes, that's how you get into heaven.

You need to go clean public showers. Okay, that's almost worse. Where dongs and there's dongs all showers have dongs you can't you can't say only some showers have dongs unless it's a sorority no but i just mean like even sorority i've been in sorority showers sometimes those have dongs those public showers the dudes are like cleaning their asses and stuff i know we talked about this last week yeah you're still just you're stuck on that well i won't i won't i won't go too far into this but i forgot to mention this last time when we were up at those the cave yeah so in the cave at ainsworth the canadian hot springs you go in there and it's like one path it's like a horseshoe you walk through it and go all the way around right as you get in there there's a little waterfall spigot coming out of there hot water and i walk in there and there's

this old dude just like standing in there rubbing his body down like it's a shower with soap nice i'm washing it into everybody's washing it in i'm walking into his rinse that is so stupid and we were talking about like how comfortable people are i don't think i'm overreacting when i think when i say that is ridiculous no i don't think you're overreacting at all. He's wiping his body down and walking through it. So gross. At least his dong was now, but still. Might as well, Ben. God.

Who cares? All right, well, that's a bunch of nonsense, and we're going to get into some good news for this week, and oddly enough, it has to do with Grubhub. Oh, great. So let's do it. Somebody answered their phone? So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Good one. Good one, Brian. Yeah, I don't know if that got cut off or not, but I said. No, I heard it. Somebody answered their phone when they called.

They heard it. Like they're supposed to. They did a lot more than answer their phone. A woman was rescued from a hostage situation after sending a note begging for help to a restaurant through grubhub obviously it's not spelled great i'm guessing she was not like having time to just write stuff out says please call the police he's going to call me but i'm guessing he's going to kill me when you delivered come with the cones probably cops please don't make it obvious oh i just love the idea of someone showing up with

some traffic cones like taking that literally he's going to call who's calling who and they just show up with a bunch of giant traffic cones somebody asked for cones wait what was her name did she say her name i haven't read the article he shows up he's like is there an amber here looking for some road cones don't be it says don't be obvious about it don't be obvious about it yeah uh but yeah so i mean whatever it's basically exactly what it is but a the chipper truck cafe in yonkers oh yonkers yeah uh wrote on its facebook page posted all about this stuff uh she ordered a delivery through grubhub to our restaurant and added this note the restaurant wrote on facebook alongside a photo of the note that i just read uh but they alerted the police immediately police showed up uh and arrested the arrested the man and and fucking took him away police said the 33 year old man was arrested he was at 6 27 in the

morning charged with rape strangulation criminal sex, unlawful imprisonment, menacing, assault, criminal possession of a weapon, sexual abuse, and sexual abuse, a spokesman for the NYPD told. So this guy was not like a good guy. And Grubhub must have gotten hungry. And you've heard about this with like, man, stories with like pizza. Yeah. They call them the order pizza, but whatever they order, I forget what it is. There's like something you can order and let them know that like oh secret code. Yeah Anchovy glad I'm not being kidnapped right now because I'd fuck this. Yeah, but there is something you can say

When you're ordering pizza that tells you basically that you need help Look that up this guy keep talking. I'm looking up. So just so I'm clear I can't remember the beginning of that the guy goes in the restaurant did she work at the restaurant no it's grubhub so right grab up yeah ordered it through the app i thought they were at the hub they were actually went to the hub how i said how i said hey call me and i will 100 pick up and let you know where i'm at right she said hey bring bring the cones i'm fucked fucked. So, yeah. So, was it, yeah, I guess, so, did the guy want food and ask her to call it? Must have, yeah.

Or did she sneak into a closet and do this? Grubhub it up. Could have been. Because you just called the police at that point. Eh, kind of. Maybe. I mean, I'm guessing they have to eat food. And who's this guy?

He's out there raping and strangling. Strangling? Oh, i'm so dumb okay keep going he's raping and strangling and then he's getting tired he's hungry yeah he's like anyway can you get some like can you get a pizza over here call yonkers can you call a taco shop for me real quick let's bring somebody to the house yeah but don't be but don't make it obvious he's needed some when he brings the cones don't don't anything. I'm dumb. Jesus. So it wasn't a code for when you're ordering pizza. You call 911 and pretend you're ordering pizza. It's a completely different fucking thing.

You're counting on the guy at Pizza Hut to pick up honey. Yeah, I need an anchovy. That's an anchovy. Yeah, okay. Would you like some black? Oh, that's what's that? Would you like some breadsticks? Like a 16-year-old kid?

Can I interest you in some cinnamon bites? No! No, I told you I need a 5G blend. Hold the bullet. One second, please hold. Let me get my manager on the phone. I'm not sure how to ring that up. I don't know, please hold. Let me get my manager on the phone. I'm not sure how to ring that up. He's like, I don't know. Please hold, Pete.

He came through the window. Okay. Anyway, so that was the good news. Can I just say, I'm actually glad that they read the actual instructions, because I can't remember the last time I've had Uber or Grubhub where they've actually paid attention to my instructions. Yeah, they fuck it up all the time. I'm always so pumped when they get it.

Like, I want to give them the Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah, what if the person just didn't read the details? Then move on to another taco check. Then that guy would have just... Well, he wouldn't have eaten. All right. Yeah, I don't know. They should probably be dead.

Anything else? I don't know. Anything else you want to make fun of? My dad's dying. Do you want to say something else you want to make fun of my dad's dying you want to say something what no okay let's take a look at something you want to send him something no stop it stop it okay let's look at something you found the internet the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple

hey look what i found yes that's awesome one of my favorite things is setting you up okay what did you find i i just before it's so hot i know it I know. I'm sweating profusely. I must say, before we get into this whole thing, I constantly toy with telling a joke and empathy and actual care. So it's like my first instinct is to go, God, that's so awful that something happened. But then my brain just goes over here and wants to tell a joke. And I'm like, ugh. That could be the mission statement of this entire podcast yeah and it's so just so people listen obviously we're not sociopaths yeah yeah we just my brain just want to make jokes to lighten the mood absolutely i have to say that uh so i'm looking at some porcelain titties so we're gonna

look at a cigarette ashtray with some titties oh shit my battery's low if this dies i'm gonna run the rest of the show yeah that uh well yeah you can switch over to me if you need to look i'm still here for now so yeah it's just an ashtray that has some little porcelain titties on it nice we so uh i mean do people smoke inside? I mean, some people do, obviously. But I just can't imagine anybody. I don't even know what I'm talking about now.

Smoking inside? Yeah. What happened to ashtrays? I think is what you're doing. Yeah, what happened to ashtrays? I mean, if you're going to have to have an ashtray, you want to have some titties on it. And it also comes in what? Legs and a butt, too.

Just in case you're not a tit guy, you're an ass man or a leg man. Like, listen, I don't rest my cigarettes. I'm the leg man. Are you only leg man ass man or a leg man like i listen i don't rest my cigarettes i'm the leg man are you only leg man no really i was making a beatles reference oh cool um i like them tit him your uppers well i like the butt too yeah i mean at this point back titties i've been married for 10 years whatever i'll take an ankle at this point. You can take your sock off. Yeah. Woo, mama. But you can get this thing on Amazon, apparently.

Just look up, like, titty ashtray. Yeah, I mean, if you Google search titty ashtray, I'm sure it'll come up. Okay, okay. But that's fun. I mean, ashtrays. It'll pop up. So fucking, gosh dang, man. Do you remember those cars?

Like, you sit in the back of your car your grandparents car and they had a little ashtray in the side of the thing airplanes had them yeah what were we doing gosh what the fuck i love how people complain about regulations now it's like i wish you could go back to the old when people could smoke on airplanes is that what you wish i was getting gas the other day at a gas station. Yeah. I shit you not, three people walked through the gas station smoking cigarettes. And it's just like, this is why we have, this is why there's signs. This is why there's rules. This is why, when you see a sign, it's like, don't do this.

And people are like, why does that have the sign? Because somebody fucking did that. That's why that sign exists. Because 10% of the population at least should be taken out of society. Right. Absolutely. They just don't belong. They don't belong on the earth.

They get to go do their own thing. They get your own state. Put them in an RV and light it on fire and throw it in the Grand Canyon. That's how that works. Or just grab a bunch of sharks and lions, throw them in a pit, and take 10% of the people, and let's see who wins. And if you win, you get to smoke cigarettes. Or one T-Rex versus 10,000 people.

10 felonies? 10 felons? Yeah. Okay. Do you think 10,000 humans could beat a T-Rex? A T-Rex? Yes. Yes.

With no weapons? Yes. No claws? Yep. Absolutely. You just start ripping your fucking eyes out. Don't give them the meth. Yes. With no weapons? Yes. No claws? Yep. Absolutely. You just start ripping your fucking eyes out. Yeah. With just punching fists?

I don't know. I've never punched a T-Rex. It's hard to gauge how thick their skin is. But they gotta feel something. I mean, it's probably like a lizard. Like an aster. It's probably like an iguana. It's probably like an iguana.

I don't know. It's gotta be thicker than that. Fucking big. Yeah. Is it crocodile thickness? Do you think dinosaurs have thick skin? Do you think you could tease them And they would

They would cry? Hey I know I have small arms He's like Eeyore Everyone just starts Mocking the T-Rex And that's how you kill it He starts crying

And walks off He gets dehydrated And dies Stegosaurus is like Okay let's read some stuff From our listeners From our kids Alright Logan Thanks man Okay, let's read some stuff from our listeners. From our kids. All right, Logan.

Thanks, man. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. That is cool. Wow. Wow, that's cool.

Neat. We have two this week. First email sent in by one of our long lost unnamed anonymous children that we probably forgot at a summer camp back in 96. Hey, you fucks. Keep me anonymous. You got it. Not going to apologize to my grammar or misspelled words. I'm a welding fabricator.

Don't need words. Just math. No, math, he said. And you read welder wrong too. What did I say? Welding fabricator. You put an I-N-G. He's a welder fabricator. Well did I say? Welding fabricator. You put an I-N-G. He's a welder fabricator. Well, he's talking about misspelled words and you're misreading words.

We know that. You can take it over. Nope. Okay. Here's my story of what I did in high school working as a line cook at Sonic Drive-In. I think I was 17. I had sex with some random girl unprotected after school and returned for her to do my research report. What a deal. Wait. I just said I was 17. I had sex with some random girl unprotected after school in return for her to do my research report. What a deal.

Wait. I just said I was 17. Wait. How big? That dick must be good. So he did her a favor? Oh, he had sex and then she did his research paper. Dude, he must.

It seems like that should be the other way around. I know, but he must be packing. He must be, yeah. Thor's hammer. Then I had to go to work at the local sonic drive-in my boss was such a fucking douchebag for example denying us time time off so we could walk at graduation or go to prom that's pretty fucking dick so anyways unprotected sex obviously just freshened up with some body spray and then went to work the boss asked me to make him a burger

i remember exactly which one it was it was the bacon cheeseburger toaster no tomato well as i was saying my boss was a douche so there i there i was sex juices still on my dick i remember it was the month of march and my truck didn't have air conditioning so on top of the juices now i have sweaty crotch of death so i quickly go to the hand washing station and rub my hand from my taint to the tip and slather it all over the bun hand him the burger and simply enjoy the moment i then went to the bathroom and vigorously washed my hands to be a kind person to the other customers fuck you guys what a good guy just a fucking sexy dick bun oh just the all the different things put together to form one. As long as there's ketchup, I don't give a fuck.

I know, that's what, yeah, just like, ugh. Can I get the double bacon cheeseburger, no tomato, and hold the fucking sex juices? What if it tasted good? It probably was fine. It probably was fine. That'd have to be some stinky pussay or stinky taint dick for it to really show up that much over a double bacon cheeseburger it feels like a fillet of fish

no one would have known the difference it would have improved did I order salmon burger? what is this? it's a hybrid it's a cowfish and then we're just going to move on to our second one there's not much to say there.

It's just fucking gross. Yeah. But while we're on the topic of just shady food, let's ruin even some more stuff with our honor roll student, our son, Jeremy, who writing him, Hey,

you silly geese. I got a story for you. I worked at a red lobster in my early twenties. One night, a customer came in at nine 55 and we close at 10 o'clock. The kitchen had already closed the grill and most of the other cooking implements they ordered a grilled chicken and pasta dish which was promptly microwaved and the grilled chicken breast was sharpied to make grill marks and the mashed potatoes were pulled

from the trash can so yep check check when the restaurant closes before sitting down to eat love you guys keep them coming jeremy that's so fucking dude can you imagine like you're like something's weird about this chicken and you look closer and you can see it's like a 10 year old scribbling on your chicken to make fake burn marks how can these grill marks rub off i know what the fuck oh man yeah you gotta get a taste that you have to be able to taste permanent markers. It's one of those things. In their defense, like, when you close, come on. As a customer, have more sense.

Even though I know, like, if something closes at 10, it should close at 10. But when you go in there at that time, by the time it's... Everybody's over it. They don't want to be there. There should be like a 20 minute period. That's what they should do. We close at 10, but you have to order by 9.30.

Right. Places do that. That's why bars have last call. Right. And that should just be a standard thing that an unwritten rule that everyone just obeys

as a customer. So I'm not condoning messing with food, but if you're going to do that to the people who just want to get home and working in a hot kitchen all day,

just drawing on grill marks. I'm going to try that at home, like see if I can trick my family. He's got the Sharpie in his apron. Yeah, he just pulls it off. He's like, it's all crooked. Why is this crooked weird stamp? It's like these grill marks.

The mashed potatoes were probably just off the grill right in there. Off the grill Right and they were like No one's gonna grill Off the grill Or off The trash can No but they were like They probably cooked them

Like well no one's coming in Tonight And they just threw away The food And like oh fuck Someone came in They gotta grab them Yeah or the plate

Of someone else That didn't eat them They were gonna throw them Out in the alley Yeah Okay well that's it We're gonna wrap up the show Are you ready to do that

Yeah Show number six And I'm gonna go get on an airplane. He's keeping things light. Hey, Logan. Yes, sir. I love you, man. Good job today.

Thanks, man. I got that new shirt, the anaconda and finch, which you can pick up right now at canyoudontpodcast.com along with our other Can You Don't merch. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram, canyoudontpodcast. Send stuff in you want to see on the show hey guys at can you don't podcast.com uh subscribe to our youtube channel just search for can you don't podcast and make sure you rate and review us wherever you can uh and wherever you listen because it does help us out a ton more more than you know

the more yeah the more the more you know is the more than you know okay more than you know. Okay. More than you know. I think that's it. Extreme? Is that too extreme? No, that's fine. Logan, take us out, buddy. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I think it's so hot down here.

We're all losing our minds. Yeah, it's... It looks like pushing shit. All right, we got a dad joke for the way out. You ready? I hope you've never heard this one. Can you believe that I was bullied into taking up fishing as a hobby man talk about peer pressure oh because it's pure yeah it's a peer yeah i got it p-i-e-r peer you can take that one tell it to other people more friends yeah if you want more friends that'll help.

But, you know. Alright, well. Why don't you take that one and tell. Tell who? Okay. Your mom. Okay. My dad's going to love this one.

Is that what you're getting at? Okay. I'm not going anywhere. Alright. See you guys next week. Bye. Bye. Outro Music