Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Baywatch Boobs. Oven Door. Chiropractic. Nipper.

Episode Date: August 20, 2025

The future of relationships is going to be a little nutty. Imagine being with someone who only caters to your wants, needs, and world view... it's going to be hard to stay with a real person who challenges you when AI will just praise you and make you cum. Let's talk about that, why we all collectively do things we know are bad for us, how sexualized TV shows were in the 90's, streaming porn for an entire education board meeting to see, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/h8Qu_TpO4HISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Baywatch Boops Ofendore Chiropractic Nipper Hi Brian I'm trying to work at my posture a little bit I've noticed that last week's lap time of Uncle Zach is had a lasting impact

It's stuck You look good Yeah Should it look good? Yeah Shoulder back Shoulder back Nipples out That's the way

Salad fork up your ass Yeah Napkin Where's a napkin Where's the fucking napkin Hey Magic show I gotta leave that on my chair

Can I flush it Yeah Episode 166 Let's fucking do it Woo Thanks to everybody who has signed up For the Patreon Join the honkathon

Of course we announced of last week. You've probably seen the video, but we got sick tats. Fuck yeah, dude. Look at those things. Matching tats. Still got the, because we're a week ahead. We still got the shiny. Yeah, I know. I know. Look at that, though. I know. I look like fucking Arnold

Schwarzenegger right now, dude. I just greased up. Oh, my God. I think I might just start leaving the house, like, just greasing up my body. And just like, and go in slow motion and shine everywhere. Oh, look at that, dude. I know. You look good. I know. That's a little league game. Yeah.

And like we've mentioned, we are recording weeks in advance just because we are taking a little summer break here. So if we have hit the 425 mark, then you bet your ass, Brian will be going to get his eyes checked. The second we get back, which we've, you know, we've obviously discussed that. It's either, it's a win-win or a lose-lose. I think it might be a win-win because I'm noticing some things with my. Denials fading? Yeah, well, I hadn't really thought about it, but recently I've been noticing. this little few things here and there

I gotta do the little 450 we're gonna go to hot air balloon 475 Zach's gonna get his own camera 500 that's that extra Patreon exclusive episode every single month so head on over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast and sign up Can we swap the hot air balloon ride for the camera

Why? You see have more time to panic? Well yeah but I also want to see what Zach's doing back there I mean, I don't know What the fuck he's doing back then Now I gotta put pants on Like he's talking So I know he's engaged But he could have his pants off

His dick could be like on the desk His dick could be running the controls It probably is I love that because it's Joe's workspace And just putting your dick on someone else's workspace I knew it felt a little Sometimes it feels like you're moving Those cameras pretty quick

So like there's no way two hands could do that His dick's just throbbing and swapping Like going brrrr Between cameras Yeah Send in stuff you want to see on the show that email address is hey guys at can you don't podcast.com of course we have spun the wheel by now and we'll make the announcement once we you know actually hit the end of the spin the wheel

thing and figure out who won the 150 bucks uh we are doing back-to-back laps so last week and then today what are we doing zach we're going to talk about things that you shouldn't do but you love to do okay so real simple stuff but it should be a fun conversation i know i'm i'm intrigued because what is what how like leave your dig out on a desk while you're working i tried to keep like cocaine out and stuff like that yeah but these are just simple things that we can talk about and see how we're doing all right uh well let's just get this fucking show rolling you ready keep rolling rolling one 66 commence yeah hey shut up start the show already damn i was impressed with how fast we moved through

that intro that was pretty quick i know it's very uh snappy yeah moved forward like Sometimes it gets a little wild in there. Let's drag it out now. You just don't even get into the next part. Right. You found this would you rather, so would you like to do the honors of reading it? Yeah. It's short and sweet.

Yeah, it's kind of a fun one. It wasn't like a, oh, shut the fuck up. It's not like a dirty thing. It was just kind of a fun thought. Oh, wow. That experiment. Okay. Okay.

Would you rather be able to steal anything under $1,000 for life? Okay. That's San Francisco, isn't it? Sorry. Go back to your thing. Back to you, I'm doing a thousand. I think so. So just, you know,

not expensive things, but like you could go get your groceries. That's pretty expensive. Yeah, gas. It is. It is. But on the other hand, or you steal one object,

any object, once per year. Okay. So it could be like a fucking Lamborghini. You got, but that's what you got for the year. Right. Or, man,

got to do the math. So if you, I mean, just the very, very upside that if you stole $1,000 every single day, $365,000. But it's a lot of things that, like, that you need. Like a Lambo, you don't. So if you steal a Lambo or once a year, you steal like a fucking G6 private jet, and then you go and sell it. I'm going to put a stipulation in there. A lot of millions on it.

Here's my stipulation that I should have mentioned this beginning. You can't sell it. Oh. So you can't just go steal something worth $1,000, then sell it. add all the money up and have a bunch of money it's like you're going the grocery store you're getting worth $1,000 worth of stuff or the object you

have it once a year but then you have it so there's no loophole like the Lamborghini would be dumb unless you really like going fast yeah but if you if you really wanted a Lamborghini and you were able to go get one I didn't that was just the first thing that popped in my head because it's like a really cool

item that you that so tell me this is this another loophole I would you consider like a bag of money an object Yeah I think the loophole is

You just get one dollar You'd get like a $100 bill But you can't have like a gigantic bag That is a bag full of money Because you could do that one time And get like a billion dollars You can you steal a bank? Stop thinking of loopholes guys

Bank would be a loophole Yeah Is bank an object? Shut the fuck up You got no the building The building could be maybe but you don't get them it's just think about it from a simple standpoint either you go out and you get your necessities kind of stuff or you for free for a whole life or you go you could

kidnap president but now you're can you hold them for ransom or is that selling i mean are you that's i guess see this is the best loophole i'll give you i'll give you that one loophole but now you are on a the manhunt of a lifetime you're one loophole is that you can hold the president for ransom? Yeah. Because now you're, you got to dig out of a deep hole. Deep hole there. Okay. So just think of it as like you can go out and get one really cool item. Like, I don't know, like a private jet or a diamond. That's worth a shit ton. But you can't. How do you fuel a jet? If you can't, if you only get the jet, you just have to go with the gas that's in it. God, you guys are trying to be too logical here. Yeah, but if you steal a Lambo, then you got to afford the gas to drive the Lambeau. And the oil change. That's like $8,000. So that's, that's, like, $8.000. So that's, that's, I mean, that's the thing. So, you could steal a private jet, but you still got to fuel it up to use it. So if I stole a zoo. It's got to be an object.

Not a, you know. Whole zoo. Like, I feel like you guys are turning this into where can, where's the loophole? A bag of zoo. Yeah. You guys are turning this game into where's the loophole instead of just playing the game. I hear you, but like, I'm really trying to wrap my head around the, just think of like an object of once. a year, like, I think for

sure, I would just take something like shit worth a thousand bucks every day. Because, like, I mean, that's food. You could also help out. Could you start a little charity? No, I'm not selling it. I'm giving it away. I think,

I think the, the idea of selling the object either way has to be out. It's just, you either get these things and you hoard them, you keep them, you keep them, So, $1,000, I mean, it gets you a lot of stuff. You could go out and buy a PS5 every day if you want. And you just get to walk out.

Yeah, but you could give it away to something. Give it away. Okay, that's what I was saying. So, let's not play the game where you make the money, you make the money and then some loophole. Okay. Got it. You could turn it into a charitable thing where you go out and you steal, you get a steal

of PS5 every day, and that's your charities. You give out PS5s, but you're not making any money. You can't sell it. Okay. So you're also ruining some business somewhere, yeah. Yeah. But on just the simple thing, like, that's a lot of free groceries. That's a lot of clothes.

I mean, but how much fucking groceries and clothes do you need? I don't know. Tell me, brother. I'm not here to make that. Make that decision. I mean, you could start the charity with food. Yeah. You could do some good.

I basically, that's where I was going. But then you're still poor. So that's cool. Yeah. I mean, it's up to you, Doug. or you want the Lamborghini. Could you, is a mansion object?

Could I steal a mansion? You should be able to steal a zoo if you can steal a mansion. If you can dodge a wrench. I, I, I, yeah. I mean,

a zoo is also a business. So can you go out and steal Microsoft? No. I don't think you can do that. What about stocks in Microsoft? No, it's got to be an object that can be picked up and moved. Think about it like the, like the stock broker.

Yeah. I get it. So a pencil. But a really big one that's made of diamonds. Huh? What's the point of having a pencil with diamonds if you're not going to sell it? Maybe you could use it, make some really cool, like social media accounts. If you live in Minecraft and you need to go mine with diamond.

I guess I thought, yeah, Instagram account where all you do is every year you have a countdown to the next thing that you're going to go fucking steal. And everyone follows you and they're waiting in time. year to figure out what fucking thing you're going to steal and you just make money on it the whole time. Okay. Is that? This is the most loophole thing of all time. Yeah. It's the whole, the whole question thing is getting lost in the loophole. If I kid, if I kidnap the guy that invented Bitcoin, okay, that's all. Okay. I want to steal a time machine. Nice. Sorry, Brian. Brian's pissed. We don't fuck him on this one. I think stealing a time machine's fine. If it exists,

they could find it. Um, I think I'm going to go with the anything under a thousand bucks just so my life can continue I can't steal a college education for my children but I could like save a bunch of money by getting shit that's every day under a thousand and putting that away to a different spot so saving money on gas

that's free grocery is going to be free your little syntax shit's going to be free so everything that you're spending money on is just going to be free Yeah, if you have a job where you're making money and you don't have to buy anything because you're stealing $1,000 worth, you could save that money up and you could get all sorts of stuff. Oh, I got a good one. Ready for this one?

Yeah. Steel. Like, uh, no, like, uh, Bill Gates is black debit card once a year. No? Another great loophole. All right. Thank you. That's an object.

And it holds a lot of money on it. Then I can spend it. Yeah. God damn. That was a good one. That's a good one. Thanks. I mean, he's going to close it immediately, but I might get a couple purchases in.

Or maybe you won't. Purchase. Yeah. Maybe. Purchase. I'm going to pick the thousand bucks daily for life. Yeah, Zach, you're in there. It's interesting because, I mean, logically, that's probably the best choice because you, you know.

But when you're thinking about just pure enjoyment of getting something, like the idea you could go out and steal a private jet. Yeah. And then, you know, your job or whatever. could pay for the fuel but you have a private jet and you fly wherever you want you just got to pay for the fuel in the pilot that's pretty sweet

yeah yeah I know but if you're I want to fly to fucking Guam or whatever you don't get to you just whatever you want to fly to Guam you want to Guam's top of the list I do whatever I don't know why that popped in my head

whatever floats your Guam that's right okay all right so we're a little divided here I'm not saying I would I'm just saying I could It could. That would be fun. Is it a private island an object?

Mm-hmm. No, like a tree, but an island is a thing. Sure. Do you get the trees with it? Sure, you get the island. I like this. That's good. And then next you get a carnival cruise ship.

Oh. Yeah. And the next year I'm getting a fucking space shuttle. Yeah. It's kind of like a time machine. The weirdest private island of all time. a cruise ship to your driving you're coming out tonight is you just like bouncing off your own rocket ship yeah driving you you're you're you're captaining your own cruise ship to your private island

and you could do that in two years oh let's just go bigger once a year can steal anything Mars that's an object that's an object I mean that's Saturn you're setting your family up for future wealth if we occupy Mars yeah just take the moon just mine that's mine that's mine that's mine now all right no i'm going back with just something that my brain can put into my everyday life and that's going to be thousand bucks thousand bucks per day i can steal because i think i think the way you have to think of this is if you go out and steal a private jet which is really cool you still have to work and pay your bills and buy groceries and do all that but you have a private jet you still so but you

still got to live in normal life the other way is you're kind of set up forever you just You know, you may, if you want to get a private jet, it's going to take you a lot longer because you've got to save up the money to get it. You're right. So, yeah. But you can save a bunch of money and just fly a normal airplane. Switching your insurance or switching to Geico? That's for my brain.

Does Geico insure my G6? Am I? Say 15% or more? Let me just steal Geico. Steal the, steal the fucking wizard? You're mine now. What am I doing in your house now? Private Island with a space shuttle.

A Carnival Cruise ship And then you and the Gecko On the ship going down water slides Is that the best day? This trip This is a great trip Best day ever Great trip, isn't it?

All right, so we're all kind of on the same page here Agree I'm not sure we are Well, how about you just think about it Okay, put in your back pocket Yeah, that sounds good I don't have any pockets Is it running shorts

Did you run here? Nope Oh yeah All right next thing Yeah All right, Zach, fuck, go Hey Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Right? Thinking about boobies. Hell yeah, dude.

That's sick. What position did you play? Who's not? Probably just boobs. Women, women, probably not thinking about boobs as much as we are. Do lesbian women think about boobs as much as guys think about boobs as much the next guy? Do you let me think about boobs as much as the next guy? Yeah.

It's a good question. The reason I'm thinking about boobs is today I was watching Baywatch. It's one of those free channels on Samsung. Yep. And I was up at like 6.30 this morning and turned the TV on and there it was. Tits. Mm-hmm. Nice.

And I just, I find the shows like that so funny because they just, they put all their eggs in the attractive basket. And the, and then they have like, a couple decent actors who were like regular looking just to like hold down the acting side of it and then they got off yeah yeah and then he's got like nice act yeah just tits everywhere and like in the dudes just ripped shredded um i kind of have tits but yeah yeah but like hard tits but like hard tits no well actually hard hard hairy tits not as hard as some of the chicks on the show nice you know what i mean uh but it's just something that i've always thought is funny is so like one of my favorite shows cheese shows ever is Renegade with Lorenzo Llamas I'm sure some of you know what show I'm talking about some of you have no clue but it's

whatever it's one of my favorite shows it's cheesy as fuck it's terrible but I love it and every time they're in California the show opens up and it's like a beach shot and the chicks running in bikinis dudes like lifting weights on the beach muscle beach and all shit and it's just it's like zoom quick shots of all that sex appeal

yeah and so that to me is always funny because the 80s and 90s, at least the 80s and early 90s, everything was about like sexy bodies fit, like workout. Everything was a workout video. Everything was sexy and attractive. And so when I was watching Baywatch today...

Well, they just discovered, like, sex sells. Oh, yeah. It's been known forever, but they went all in. They're like, oh, shit, we can just put this in TVs now. And every household will love it. We can just print money now. Put a woman in a bikini, and it's like, you could sell anything.

They did that with posters, cars, You know, cars are still doing that. Some chicks standing next to a Ferrari. Mm-hmm. It works. So, but, so when I was watching Baywatch today, I was just cracking up because there's this, there was a scene. Um, anybody knows the show Baywatch, Neely.

She's, uh, Geneleon's character. Um, so she's, the, the episode, if you want to look up, it was, it was called, I think it was called hijacked. And, uh, so she, that's you eating a gummy and jerse. working off the day watch. Woohoo! Hijacked! You get it.

Yeah, I get it. Took a second. No, so in the episode, she is, she tries to go save somebody, and she doesn't, she barely saves this dude. And when she comes back off the beach,

Hasselhoff's character is like, he's like, what the hell happened out there? She's like, you know, I just, I don't know, I was just tired, had a bad day or whatever he's like no that's not like you type of thing so then you don't allow we don't

allow bad days on this beach you can't have bad days get out of bad days results in death bad days get out of here you big dumb bitch you big didid dumb bitch so anyway he he's like something doesn't see right so he goes down to Donna Deerico's

lifeguard stand I don't think I've ever seen a full episode of Baywatch either but I'm pretending I have to keep going to well they're all You can look at, they're all playboy playmates. Just look up Donna Diarico. Okay. So he goes down there and he's asking her like, hey, what's up with Neely, dude?

Like, this isn't like her. She usually has that, because she didn't take her can. She took her cans, but not her can. Oh, yeah. I think cans, the little lifeguard thing. So he's like, something's wrong. They're like, this isn't like her. And she's like, she's looking, he's like, Donna, what's wrong?

She's like, she's my friend, Mitch. Mitch Buchanan For the For the people to know For the diehards Yeah So he's like Well if you're a real friend

You'll help You know You'll help her out And she's like Okay she's addicted to pills And guilt tripped by Hasselhoff I mean listening to this Setup description of the episode

I now understand why I haven't seen An episode of Baywatch Dude it's riveting stuff I tell you what And So he So he's like Oh okay

So he confront Anthony Leeley and he's like hey man like you you can't be doing this shit like we have people who are out there who are depending on us and she's like okay fine so she spills the beans that she had a baby that she told no one about she's she pretense she pretended like she had a back problem but she had a baby yeah so she got addicted to these pills and uh so it's affecting her life now and mitch is like well if you don't stop you got to let you go she's like dude i can't you can't let me go I won't be able to support my baby drops the bomb on him so he's like well you know you got to get your shit together so yeah thank you so so then he then he leaves and then he goes back to Donna and he's like hey what's up with Neely where she go and Donna's like I don't know and he's like well I don't know where she went but I guess it's just in her hands now she has to decide whether she wants to get help or not so then it cuts to her on the beach And she's walking into like a cute little sundress, like a high sundress. So legs, everything's out. It's so high. It's almost a moon dress. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So she's walking down the beach and the music starts, oh, yeah. What are you going to do? You got to turn your life around before your child down. Whatever. Whatever the song is. You got a back, baby.

You take him pairs for your back, baby. But you got a kid to think about. Oh, yeah. Probably Peter Satera. Probably playing it. So she's walking on the beach. So picture this. She's walking on the beach.

Sun setting in the background. Cameraman, the director is like, all right, let's get her. Let's get her face. So they show her face. And she's like a terrible actress. But she's trying. So she's kind of like,

sad. She's kind of looking sad. She looks at the camera goes, I'm sad. Yeah, I'm really. Sad. And then they kind of, they show like a shot of her sundress, moon dress, kind of flowing in the wind a little bit.

As it does. And then they cut back to her face. And she's like, she's like, God, what am I going to do? I need to make a decision my life. And then the director's like, all right, cut the music, cut the sad music, you're like, sorry. All right, let's pan down a little bit. Let's get a shot of those tits.

Make sure we get the, get the tits. Zoom in on the tits. We had enough dress, enough face. Tits now. Tits. So I just showed her crying and just went right to her boobs. Pans down, right, straight down her long neck, right into her, just fake big boobs. And just slowly bouncing in the, in the sunlight.

Hasselhoff's voice is like echoing behind it. It's like, this isn't you. You got to change, change for you. You never had a bad day, day. We can't have bad days, yeah. And then it like, and then it shoots the sand, shows her feet and comes up to her long, long, long, legs right right right just her ass you know like the flowing the sun dress is flowing right over fucking cheeks and then back to the tits and they just i just picture the director just like okay

face face and tits all right she's still sad yeah she's still sad get sad get set back the tits not too much sad or else there'll be sad tits right we don't want that the tits are the comic relief we need to have emotion but we also have guys watching this show erection relief and they're We can't be losing these bones All right Get back to the tits I can hear the fucking bone storm All right

They're all drooping It's just like It's like Just like our ratings Our ratings are drooping Like these fucking cocks Enough with the tears More tits

We bring the tits back And then it comes right out of that You know And it's like Some people stand in the darkness We're to step into the light And just tits running on the beach with their cans

going to save a life. And I'm cracking up. And seen. I feel like I just got pitched the pilot. Like I was like a TV exec. And you're on the end of a long table. And you're pitching this to me and I'm going, this guy needs to get the fuck out of you.

Yeah. But also. No, hear me out. Hear me out. More tits. Yeah. But also the guy's thinking he's like, I mean, if as long as we show,

as long as we've got enough tits. Like imagine them, Imagine them putting that episode and bringing it to this, like, they got to pass through to make sure everything's okay with it. And the, like, the head of the USA network or whatever is like, I mean, it's good. It's, it's, it's good, but did we get any more B-roll of tits? I would for sure, green light this. We got a squeeze in a couple more tits. I mean, I get the emotional aspect of it. What's that, what's that called the, when they get to view it first, control group? What is it? Yeah, like, yeah, test audience. Yeah, whatever it is. Test group, right? Anyway, I guess pictured that episode and like, back in the 90s, so they had still like the film.

It's just like tits and crying. And she's like, I'm sad. And tits and Hasselhoff. And he's like, you've never liked this. And the real just goes, and the lights go on and it pulls the projector into the ceiling and turns over. What do we think? And everyone's just like, what the fuck was that?

But everyone has a boner. We're the tits! Pull the tits back down Everyone's confused But everyone has a boner And they're like That's full rotation If we can bring emotion

And boners into this somehow They have a little questionnaire It's like more tits Perfect amount of tits Less tits Get the fuck out Yeah They go down the line

Like did you have a boner On the way out the door They need a scratch test On your erection You see how hard you are All right We got at least this Yeah I don't know

Average is 7.2 On the erection scale Green light Test audience says green light. Yes, it does. I just say it's so funny, just the terrible acting. But for some reason, you just, especially dudes, like, you can just look past all of that shit. If there's a nice set of tests on the TV.

You just forget about all of it. It's not quite what my dad used to say, but I feel like it was close. It was close. Yeah, it was in the ballpark. The sentiment. Yeah, the ballpark. Dad used to say that. He was alluding to that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's fun. Yeah, a lot of 90s shit like that. Maybe I have to go back and take a little peek. Maybe I'm missing out on something. I mean, it's terrible TV, but I remember watching it as a kid being boned up. And then now there's a nostalgia aspect of it. Nostalgia bone.

Like, you're the nostalgia bone, but also like the comedy aspect of it where you're just like, what the fuck? Unintentional comedy? God, yeah, exactly. Because they, like, this, like her, she's acting her ass off. Nice. Quite literally. But it's so bad. Like, she's trying so hard.

There were 20 takes, and that was the best one. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they were like, I guess we'll use this one. Dude, 20 takes, that's 40 tits. Baywatch math, baby. Baywatch math. Ratings are going to go. All right.

Well, speaking of boners and getting boned up to Baywatch tities, want to slide on over to Dick. Hell yeah, bro. All right. Zach, be so cock. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick big. All right. Want me take this first one? You're done with talking? Yeah, you'll take a little break. My boners and you settle back down. I hear you. Can't hear that running shorts.

God. I feel like there's going to be a lot of this. Like we've already covered stories here on the show of like just through text message. people following for, like falling for just wild scams being like, hello, I am Brad Pitt. And they're like, yes, you are. And I am interested in you, single mother

in Minnesota. Who happens to have a bunch of money. I have lost all my money. Do you send you some? Yeah, do you have any pictures? And I can't send them right now. But you can send me money. Okay, Brad Pitt.

Let me clear out my 401K. Yes. It might take me a couple weeks. I've got nothing but time. Sincerely, Brad Pitt. So 75-year-old Chinese man Asked Wife for divorce after falling in love with AI woman He saw online

My goodness I mean, I feel like we got at least get a little taste here So like you'll bring that up So at least we know what we're looking at She's attractive Right But she looks like a real Photoshop Yeah

Yeah But I mean that that also sells You know what I mean It's like anime does well I mean This is like meeting anime in the middle Yeah. And it does bring me back, like a little bit, what was that, that movie? Her, like, falling in love with your phone. And then also, like, really, what is love? What? Maybe you don't hurt me. Yeah. So, is artificial intelligence on the rise to take over human jobs and even emotions? A senior citizen in China recently asked his wife for divorce after developing romantic feelings for a woman he saw online who turned out to be AI. So the 75-year-old, known as Jing! fell for the affectionate word spoken by the AI and took them seriously.

She said something nice and he goes, are you serious? And she goes, yeah. He's like, I'm in. All right, I will, I too will take this seriously, despite the fact that the speech and the woman's lip movements didn't sink. Yeah, but have you seen Japanese TV before, right? Yeah. It doesn't fit. Yeah.

The overdub doesn't work. He believed every word the AI woman told him and rushed to his phone daily. eagerly awaiting updates from the other side. Unfortunately, Jing is not alone in seeking emotional connection through AI. AI generated content is booming in China and many elderly individuals, especially those with limited mobility. Mobility. It sounds like something like a fucking finishing move in Mortal Kombat. Mobility.

Limited mobility. You just cut your legs off. Limited mobility. The dripping blood, mobility. Due to the age. and are becoming increasingly obsessed with it. Despite repeated attempts by their children to convince them, the content is fake.

Dad. Come on. Fuck! The phone's ringing. She's got seven fingers, Grandpa. Who is it? It's your grandson. What do they want?

They just said, fuck! Again, Grandpa! Fuck! Fuck! Quit! That's my future inheritance! But despite being told it's fake, many seniors choose to believe the AI personalities that offer them affection and attention. So let's have a little conversation here because...

Of course they're going to get it. I know. But also, where is that line? And we're not the right people to have this conversation, but here we go. Where is that line between like, why do you care if grandpa falls in with a robot, falls in love with the robot girl? If he actually loves her and robot girl makes him happy. and he's getting what he needs out of it, which might be attention, uh,

in some sort of conversation and just something that stimulates him. And then like, why do you get to show up and be like, fake you fucking idiot? Well, I think, I think the, the obvious one is if he's blowing all of his money on it.

He's an issue. I don't think money is the thing here. It's just a fake AI woman. It's like if you went to chat GBT and then phone level of it. Well, I'll tell you another reason here is if he actually does divorce his real wife. That's, yeah. so like but I mean

that's a slap in the face you're leaving me for a fake you lost to a cartoon to a picture oh well the equivalent of that would have been Jessica Rabbit in the 80s and 90s right yeah leaving him for Jessica yeah I mean yeah and through

relationships and marriages and whatever like you just grow apart sometimes maybe maybe maybe the AI pointed out the things that he's lacking in the relationship with his ex-wife. So maybe it was like, gave him perspective of like, yeah, there really isn't anything going on here.

We're just in this to be in it. But that would suck for her. Pictureing like talking this, it's a manipulative AI character, right? And like every conversation, no matter where it's going, it's like talking about the day or whatever. And he's pausing, the AI's like, okay. But does your wife show you pictures of Yellowstone National Park Joe? And you're like, she doesn't.

Ha ha ha ha ha. I am better, Joe. You should kill her. You should kill her for me, Joe. Are you getting what you? Also, there's a thunderstorm in Cooney County. God, I'm getting pictures of Yellowstone and weather updates.

That's something I don't get from her. I don't get to say shit. Mm-hmm. Yeah. My wife just tells me to fucking sit down and shut up. A high of 72. Would you like some lasagna recipes, Joe? Yes.

Great. Joe. I mean, I like what I'm wearing today. I can change my shirt at any moment, Joe. What color would you like, Joe? If you feel like whatever you're saying, you're getting a positive response, and if you're in your, if you're in your marriage, everything you say, you're getting like pushback. Yeah, you don't have to face that reality. Dude, I want to go fucking Mac computers so fast. Well, just go to, just go to Castle and get one of those silicone asses. Fuck that while you're talking to your AI. Yep. Girlfriend

Use promo code Joe 40 Checkout If we ever have that partnership We got to get a We got to get a castle Membership

A subscription Good to see again boys Hello Back for another Silicon ass We want ones with balls This time This ass is gait

Gotta come back To come back to the upgraded What's your return policy This app's this gait On the fuckable silicone ass Yeah no of course have a promo code Joe 40 um yeah but it's whatever I get it but it is a scary thing it's

going to be a wild ride when these emotions like I was hinting at towards the start of the article like the movie her where you love like you love your phone so much and then people are like they're excited to meet your girlfriend it's a fucking telephone that's gonna be wild for a bit you have a picture of her I sure do I mean you could get away with that for only so long you're like this is her this is her and then like you're ever going to bring her to one of these I'm showing you my girlfriend This is her This is her, yeah

What's her name? She knows all the things Yeah, she's nice to you And doesn't judge you She motivates you Doesn't say you're not doing anything right That's all we want

That's pretty tempting That's all we want I know God's tempting It is Um What do you think we should jump off For the next one

Does that sound good All right Well do you want to take it Or I'll take it Oh all right Oh shit Zeus is here For the golden geese

Maggie Stone Jason Clayther Daniel Spatz Jordan Holiday Matthew Letter The Sofa King Chris Ethan

Daniel Coyer Neil Daffini Matt Johnston And you never know Yeah we got a full flock of golden geese you guys He came in hot I know

Thank you so much 10 out of 10 That's the time that we're recording this That you guys have just fucking gone all in the golden goose so thank you guys if you want to check that out see if there's a spot that's going to open up head over to patreon.com slash can you don't it's going to be like trying to get season tickets to the packers you know what I mean yeah like you got to know somebody I noticed you didn't say the browns right because that's wide open no yeah do we have anybody

that would like season tickets they're free you're free just keep it down Jesus okay all you hear is a All right. What do we got? It's just kind of fun. What's happening? Nude woman stream to office TV derail Oklahoma Board of Education meeting. That would be one way to...

I mean, definitely made it probably more entertaining. Can't imagine a TV broadcast of a local Oklahoma Board of Education meeting is... How fucking boring that would be... Rivening television. According to news and world report, the state of Oklahoma ranks 48th in the United States for its pre-K to 12th grade education system. Man, burn right out the gate. We gotta do something to turn this to education around.

It just has nothing to do with the article. It's like, Oklahoma sucks dick. When it comes to education, we're a bunch of dummies. Anyway, back to a naked person or whatever. But the current hot button issue consuming the Oklahoma State Board of Education isn't about improving this position. What position did you play? Last.

It's about whether someone was streaming video of nude women gathered around a chiropractic table to a TV visible during a Board of Education meeting last week. Weird kink. Just gathered around. We're gathered here today. I wish we were popping bones. But no one's doing anything. Indeed, so serious has the issue become that has already progressed from a media complaint to a state probe.

Nice. To Oklahoma City Sheriff's Office. investigation in just a few days. State House Speaker Kyle Hilbert, Republican, always is. They're always, they're not taking sides here, but it's always, it's some dude that's like, fucking gays, man. God damn, we need to rid the world of the gays. I think it turns around and goes, yeah, exactly. And it's like always an R. It's like, how about just quit being so mad? And we know that. The dude from Idaho that was tapping his foot in the stalls. Yeah, Larry Craig. Yeah, what a guy. That's the guy.

Anyway Suggesting that Superintendent Ryan Walters The state's hard right Head of Education The man who wants to put Bibles in every classroom Unlock and overturn All their relevant devices

And fully cooperate With the investigation Okay Making the whole thing even wilder Is it the behavior of Walters Who is running the meeting And whose staff Is now pumping

Yeah This is perfect I know. Staff is pumping. It's because Oklahoma's not super well-educated. Right. And they don't realize what they're saying. Official press release with gloriously deranged

headlines like, response to the most absurd, false, and gutter political attack from a desperate failing establishment. According to his press release, Walter said that any suggesting that a device of mine was used to stream inappropriate content

on the television set is categorical and false. Calm down. I have no knowledge of what was on a TV screen during the alleged incident. And there is absolutely no truth to any implication of wrongdoing. He added, I will not be distracted. My focus remains on the making Oklahoma the best state in the nation in every category. Look. What?

We got a long way to go, but we're going to get there. Love you, Oklahoma. Sorry. Yeah, just one question. You expect to be alive for 400 years? Sir. Through the power of Christ, anything is possible. Okay. That was a major slap, Joe. Jesus.

Thanks. That's pretty good. Anybody that's not watching, I'm doing the Clinton thumb. Yeah. Just so we know. It's a nice thumb. It's how you don't point. That's threatening.

Yeah, you do that. That's not. No. And then I'll... It's like a little taser. And then what's his name? Baddor. You always had a pen.

Whatever. So what the heck is actually going on in Oklahoma? Let's rewind to last week. Okay. That is not a bodysuit, in parentheses. The State Board of Education held a closed executive session on Thursday. July 24th, 24th, board members were gathered around a conference table. A television was visible to some members, but not to Walters, who apparently had his back to it.

According to the minutes, the meeting opened with the Pledge of Allegiance, of course, and a salute to the Oklahoma State flag. Best state in the word. I'm working on. We're getting there. We're above two people. We're working our way up the ladder. I want to throw above Idaho. Could be.

It feels like we're duking it out for 47th. Yeah, I bet Idaho's 49. I salute the flag of the state of Oklahoma. It's symbols of peace. Unite all people. But then... I've never heard this one. As the board got down to business,

board member Becky Carson noticed that the TV was displaying will. I'll let Carson tell you through her own words to local media. outlet non-doc. I was like, what am I seeing? I kind of was in shock, honestly. I started to question whether I was actually seeing what I was seeing. I was like, is that

woman naked? And then I was like, no, she got a body suit on. And it happened very quickly. I was like that's not a body suit. And I hate to even use these terms, but I said those are her nipples. And then I was looking closer

and I got a full body view. I doubt she sound like that. But maybe. And I just hate to say this. Cover your kid's ears. I thought your nipples. Not the nips. I thought you were going to say something way worse.

Yeah. Like the C word. But you said nipples. Her cooch? Sure. That works. Or cunt? Oh, there it is.

There it is. Back to you. Okay. Well, I'm not going to do it. I was so disturbed by it that I was like very loudly and boastfully. You couldn't help yourself? Like, I was. a parent or teacher i said to walters what is on your tv what am i watching i was like

am i gonna fucking come if i don't come i'm me be so pissed are these people gonna be fucking coming in it are they even coming at that are they coming in the gerty he was like what what are you talking about he stood up and saw it he made acknowledgement he made acknowledgement that he saw it and i said turn it off now and he was like like, what's this? What is this? This is the worst. So he acknowledged it was inappropriately just by those words.

And then he was like, I can't get it turned off. I can't figure out how to turn it off. And I said, get it turned off. So he finally got it turned off. And then it was the end of it. He didn't address it. He didn't even apologize. Nothing was sad.

I feel like I just heard another TV pilot pitch. And then he said, he was like, What? Turn what off? And I was like, turn it off. And he was like, what is it? What is it on? How do I get it off?

I was like, just get it off. Are you turned on? I was like, no, sicko. I'm not turned on. I'm turned off. Starring Sidney. Yeah. Starring Nipples.

Nipples and Sydney Sweeney. Another board member confirmed this description, calling the footage retro. And saying that nude woman were standing around chiropractic table. With Walters blowing off their concerns Nice About what it just happened

And why did it happen In the middle of the state education meeting The two board members took their story To media outlets next day Nondock in Oklahoma And both ran long pieces on it Yes Jesus Christ

A long piece So many fucking phallic It's just at the end of this whole article It just goes to one more Giant Dick Isolated paragraph And it just says Gang Bang

Gang bang dick Gap face Stepmother Gap Basket Oklahoma Gap So This is the best thing It's ever happened to Oklahoma's Yeah it really

Education Center Okay so How do the attention it deserves Well any Any news Or You get it Any attention

Whatever it is You got it Any news is good news Or whatever the fuck this How does it go? Any promotion is good, something like that. Not promotion. Any, uh, such thing is negative public.

Any publicity. So how do the television apparently meant for displaying charts and presentations start midway through a meeting showing nude women around the table? Who knows? I was once a family, uh, family trip to Europe with my relatives and a cousin flipped through channels on the lobby television set. Hardcore pornography popped up into view before a shock group of parents, aunts and uncles. And uncles, yeah, I'm sure they were.

shocked. I've never seen such a thing. Oh boy. Yeah. You just airdropped. I don't know if you get a flick of those nipples. Like you just get within a certain range, you can mirror your phone and put whatever the fuck you want up there. Just fucking, that's what somebody did. Yeah. The state office building in Oklahoma, however, seems unlikely to subscribe to these kinds of channels. That's what they want you to think. I'm telling you these people are the worst. This nonsense.

Anyway, it goes on, but anyway, if that was just a prank and someone was just like outside the window of their little meeting and we just like and then picked that it was like the perfect

chiropractor porn send from 1982 yeah you really there you're giving it to the heart of the crack weird

I don't know Harry of the bush the hearty crack I don't it just seemed like something chiropractic and old I don't

I mean obviously we don't know what happened here but it seems like if if it wasn't your stuff, you'd be like, I don't know where the fucked at it. I'm so sorry.

But it sounds like it happened and he was just like, I didn't see anything. Oh, that was crazy. Whoa. Like that was making sense. So I had my eyes close. What's happening? So what are we doing with the park? You know. So like, we're still in 48th place? Yeah. Or whatever. So how is this relevant to get into 47th? That's what I want to know. Anyway. All right. Good stuff. Let's get on Uncle Zaki's lap. I'm ready for that back to back. You're ready?

Yeah, fucking do it, dude Zach, will you plug it? Hey, little chitrans, why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zach's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. I love the teamwork on that intro.

Got a little joke, got a little me. It's good stuff. You guys ready to learn some shit? Well, actually, it's not really learning. It's just talking about. some of the things that we do that are problematic, but we still love to do them anyway. Oh, it sounds like something we would do. Sounds like simple.

My life. Yeah, I think a lot of these are going to resonate with probably all three of us. I would imagine. You ready? I'm ready. You don't look ready, Joe. Oh, I couldn't be more ready. Okay, then good.

Procrastination is the first thing. Why do we like it? Because it's immediate relief of avoiding effort, and it feels rewarding when you're going to sneak around. Get some adrenaline. But delaying tasks increases stress, reduces quality of work, and can lead to missed opportunities. Not to the experienced procrastination. Yeah, that's what I think. Seemingly, seemingly. And this was the first thing out of all the

research. It's like, this is the thing that the world does, and we just love it. Yeah. I mean, it seems like just by just general nature of humans, if you don't have something telling you you have to do it, you'd rather lay in the sun. Yeah. Yeah. So you just have to wait until it gets there and you have to do it. Then you do it. Yeah. I like doing things at the last minute. I always did that in school. I always felt like, I felt like this, but it was probably because I was sleep deprived. We'll get to that. But I always felt like I did a better job under the pressure. But according to statistics, I probably didn't. Probably not. Yeah, I probably could have got better grades. You know what? I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but I think maybe it does.

So I feel like if I get prepared and then go do something and it fails, it feels worse than like yeah if the last second like just letting it fly and it's like well i didn't really you know you can kind of like psychologically work your way around like blame or something i don't know like if i'm prepared and i fuck it up it's like you're just an idiot but if you have to do it on the fly it's like look what i did look what i was able to come up with get some what a mind game you play with yourself i don't know but that's i think what that's like performing live for me it's Like, I don't like to be prepared. I like to wing it.

So, ah. Yeah, that's how I do scatcast. I'm like, I'm giving myself 14 hours. If it sucks, then it sucks. If I'm going to fail, I want an excuse. Yes, I didn't sleep. I did it the last second. I think I would be terrible at going up with a, with like, a prepared set, like, as a comedian, going up with it.

Because if it bombed, it would be much worse than just winging it for some reason. If you put a lot of work into it doesn't work, then it hurts your feelings. It does. Don't give a fuck. It doesn't work. like, oh, well. I feel like I just could adapt better to the chaos than bombing, just like, and then like, what do I go from here?

Anyway. Yeah. Number two would be eating junk food, obviously, we like to do that, even though it causes heart disease and other health issues, blah, blah, blah. But let's move on to staying up late. Okay. Now, we like it because we feel like we kind of get an extra time for fun, right? We're stealing time.

Yeah. I get to play this video game. And a part of the day that no one else is doing it. Yeah. That's my favorite part. No one else is awake. Here I am. But really, sleep deprivation impairs cognitive function big time, your mood and long-term health.

I hate you. I know. That's fair. And all three of us, I think, are pretty bad. Pointing a lot of fingers here, Zach. Yeah. Well, I'm one of them. Yeah.

I mean, I try to get some rest. You go to bed earlier than probably we do. He's watching the game show network. It's teaching them to go to bed early. Joe will be like, it's like 9 o'clock. And we're talking about the next day of the show or something. He was like, all right, I'm going to hit the sack. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, like, I just finished dinner.

Once you see that final R&R RV ad, you're like, that's right enough for me. Once the RV commercials expand to Moses Lake, I'm like, I want to call it a day. Blue Dog. That's outside my jurisdiction. Next one is gossiping. We all know that we shouldn't because it spreads misinformation, it damages relationships, and it makes people angry at you, fostering negativity. but we like it because it's juicy-ass stories.

That aren't about you. Yeah, and it bonds other people that aren't that person and provides a sense of insider knowledge. Is that why we like TMZ and shit like that? Yeah. It's your own little reality show. Yep. It's like the real reality show.

Yeah, you get to hold a little something over somebody. And you also get information to kind of protect yourself. Like you're just trying to kind of piece it all together. Makes sense? Yeah. All right. Next up, binge watching shows. I bet everybody listening to this has done.

that at some point. Yeah. 100%. The reason why we shouldn't is because screen time is really bad for your eyes. And then continuous, obviously, is way worse. It disrupts sleep. And, of course, it reduces productivity. Okay.

But we like it because it's fucking instant escapism and life is fucking hard. Yeah, that makes sense. But the people who make binge-worthy TV know that it's bad for us and they do it because they know we'll stick our faces in front of it and they can sell ads. The people that make crack probably know it's bad for us too. I think it's a big part of that too is that it's a It's a for relationships I mean people have binge stuff on their own too

But for me it's having like a like a separate entity that you guys can agree on And you're happy and you're watching it but you're together And it's not like you just it's easy to do And it's nice to be with the people you love Well it's one of those things too where like if you're with somebody for a long time Like what the hell we can talk about? We can watch show together You can binge this dick

I like it for the storytelling It's just fun to watch other people tell good stories And look into other people's nightmares Another one that we love to do But we shouldn't is checking our phones constantly Because it reduces focus It increases anxiety and weakens real world connections I've gotten way better at that

In the last few years Just fuck it Yeah that same as me I feel kind of bad Because I'm not on social media And I don't answer things as quickly but it's way better for your brain like demonstrably

yeah I mean our kids like fucking get out of here just that's their whole that's stuck to them it's there it's nothing new it's almost like their default now like teenagers anything like no matter what you're doing

the phone also has to be involved in what you're doing well it's replaced dopamine like I don't know how we got dopamine as kids just find a really cool stick and you're like look at the stick it looks like a gun yeah putting a playing card

in your BMX tire fuck that sounds It's like a motorcycle. That was the happiest you've ever been. Until you found out that that trading card was worth thousands of dollars and you fucked yourself. Dude, beating a level on a Nintendo game that you hadn't beaten before? Like, I know that kids are stuck in phones, but we, a lot of age, we, let's give ourselves a little cricket. We, like, we stuck ourselves in front of an NES.

Yeah. But the difference was, and I know this, because, like, I'd be playing fucking double dragon. And I try to beat this level. And I would fucking lose and it would get to the continue. And then the last, like, after the third one, it says game over. And you're like, that's it for me. I'm going outside. Yeah.

But so you, because you just, you were like, you're done. You had a checkpoint. Yeah. You're done. There was nothing telling you, you had, like, now it's like you just, you just like, keep coming back. Keep coming back. But we knew better. Yeah.

Next one. Drinking too much coffee. These are all basic and simple, obviously. But obviously, caffeine causes jitters. If you drink too much, insomnia, back to no sleep. And heart issues. Yeah. But it's fucking the most comfortable.

drink of all time. It does boost energy most of the time. And it smells good. Yeah, I stopped because of heart issues for a long time, got back into it recently, but now probably over the last month I haven't really had a cup of coffee. I drink way too much because we sell coffee. Yeah. I'm kind of anti our own coffee right now. Yeah, I'm pro meth. Next up is skipping. Faddy. Skipping breakfast. I have skip breakfast all the time since I was 12 years old. But missing the morning meal can lead to low energy, poor focus, and overeating later. Which is odd, because I kind of find it the other way, that if I eat too much food, it turns my whole day around and I crash.

Just don't eat too much then. Yeah, I mean, just have a little snack. Literally just maybe a bowl of cereal or some toast and a banana, but having like eggs, bacon, hash browns. The only way that makes sense is if you're on a farm, I think. Yeah, and I do like that stuff, but it seems like it goes the other way more than it just boosts me plus like being hungry kind of keeps me alert a little bit opposed to just being like you've done it hibernation time human yeah you have to like be like I just kind of

your brain thinks you're out there getting something done when you're kind of starve yourself a little bit yeah you know what I've been doing lately is making a like making a cup of coffee and then throw in a scoop of protein I had a boy so you get a little protein get your day going your little coffee boost but you're also if you're going to be oiling up that arm and try brother start doing two scoops that's exactly what I'm I'm doing too. Yeah. I took out the creamer and now it's all protein shakes.

Hell yeah, brother. All right. Another one is leaving the dishes in the sink. I don't know if we love to do that or not, but apparently it's a thing that humans constantly do. Because no likes to do dishes. No, it attracts pets, pests. You get a new pet every time you do that.

You do that. You just have a new fucking Labradoodle. Raccoon shows up. Raccoon and a wiener dog. I did not order a parrot. Who left the forks out? But it also creates a mess. Makes it cleaning harder later.

But we like the chore. because, or avoiding the chore. Because it does feel like a small victory, I guess. Isn't it like procrastination? Yeah. And couldn't have fall on that? Like, you know you have to do it later, but right now you're just... Well, there's a chance someone else will do it.

Yeah, that's what I like to do is just be mad at other people. It's like, there's way more coffee cups from her than me. Maybe I should do that. I just let it soak so it softens up. Sometimes that does work. Sometimes it does work. That is the way to go. I've got some stuff on there.

You got some crusty shit. You got to let soak. Or clean it right away. This one's kind of interesting because it does. caused some problems, but I didn't ever think about it, but it's snoozing the alarm. And we like that because it does feel like you're indulgent a little bit when you're like, I'm just going to go 10 more minutes. You get to go back in your little sleepy head and think about whatever the fuck.

Yeah, it really doesn't do shit. No, it actually disrupts your sleep cycles and will make you groggy and probably late even in the future. And you make the worst decisions. I make the worst decisions when it's like, oh, I got 10 more minutes. And then it's like, no, you only had one minute. Yeah, I wish I had 10 more minutes. Fuck! Well, you just got to set up your alarm for early.

and then set the snoozes till your, where your alarm should have went. Yeah. They really shouldn't have that little snooze button on there. Yeah. That fucks me. Sure. But, oh, well.

I hear you. Do you still using an old school alarm? No, just my phone. Is that old school? No, I thought you were talking about like at one of those clocks where you actually hit the snooze. Yeah, the little. You said the button, so that's what, yeah,

slapped you in the face. There's a little snoo button on my phone. Yeah. This one is definitely something that we all probably do, although Joe probably less now. But it's overusing social media. And it's because it wastes a fuckload of time. It does.

It's a sane amount of hours, even years of your life. It fuels comparison, which also ruins your life and can harm mental health, which also ruins your life. Yeah. But it's addictive and entertaining and provides a sense of connection to your digital pals. Yeah, it feels like there's some good stuff out there, but a lot of it's not. Not good for you. No, not when you're constantly, you know, monitoring it and blah, blah, blah. Buying unnecessary things, we love to do that.

The impulse purchases, they're all over the place. Your clutter your homes and strain your budgets. We buy things on credit that we don't need, blah, blah, blah. Birdhouses. And it feels rewarding, but it's not. It's probably not. It wears off pretty quick, right? I just had a conversation recently with some people about that.

And I'm trying to remember back when we were kids, I'm sure our parents, like, once, as soon as, like, QVC and shit rolled around where you, like, you turn the TV and someone's, like, selling you something. you know it's different than then like like right that's one way to buy shit you don't need is having that and they they figured that out but now like with tictock shop everything there's just always like you just get on there to watch a funny video and now you're like going down a rabbit hole of all these weird products because you're constantly being sold something yeah so it's and it's like shit you don't need but at the same time it's like oh that's pretty cool little device that helps me whatever it's a perfect place to put a fitted sheet right yeah and so you're just constantly like you can't escape it because of all the ads everywhere so we shouldn't be buying it but

it's kind of hard to fucking escape yeah unless you're just completely cut off no next driving too fast i love especially when i was younger i love driving too fast i know it is but it is too fast it's just somebody that decided a speed limit true you know i don't want to be i don't want to be boxed in brother you don't feel like they did the math and they're like this turn if they make it at 65 we'll kill everyone in the car these yeah no i mean like that makes sense going too fast around a curve but something like you're driving down the fucking division here going 30 miles an hour fuck you dude that's because you have a Tesla and it feels like you're in a roller coaster whenever you want it feels like you're going really slow too if you're going the speed limit not that I like to speed but if you're like no one wants to just fucking go the exact yeah like that's lame grow up right well it does it is super unsafe. What's the fastest either of you have ever driven? I don't know. I think I went 119 in that Tesla. On the way to Silverwood one time.

120? I did that NASCAR thing, but there's no fucking spodometer on it, so I don't actually know how fast I went. But I don't think it was over 120. I did it and I was passing a car on a two-lane highway. And it was like a row of cars, you know, like four cars in front so I was like I had to get around. It was like, boom!

Just fucking. That was a rush. Yeah, around 120, I think it's the fastest I've ever gone. Think about people that used to traveling wagons. Like we're, we're bitching about driving 35 miles an hour down division. And dude's like, I'm riding a wagon for six months. From downtown to like North Spokane would take three weeks. And two of your kids would die. Just trying to go to a white elephant. Dude, it's going to take me five minutes to get the white elephant from here. Jesus Christ.

God. Traffic. Have you guys, do you guys eat in bed? Not usually. Popcorn, maybe. When I was reading this with my wife, she's like, Who the fuck eats in bed? A lot of people eat in bed. They do. It's on the list. Oh, man. Dude, fucking Grandpa Joe.

Yep. You know? Grandma Georgina, Grandma Josephine. Grandpa Georgina and Grandpa Joe. Yeah. We're eating in bed. Well, if you like sleeping with bugs, that's how to do that. Yeah.

For sure. That's how you get ants. That's the number one way. Yes, it is. Well, that's how you get ants. That's how you get like also Cheeto impressions in your back. Yeah. It's how to be a dirty.

Yeah. I had Cheeto Cheeto fingerprints all over my corn tortillas in the bar Next one is Ignoring expiration dates That's not one I think about a lot

Yeah There's certain things I'm almost 100% sure They legally have to have it But go fuck yourself Yeah There's no way it hit this date It was good for six years

And then now it hit August 2025 You have to throw in my vitamins you'll fuck yourself I mean certain things that spoil Like we had We had milk and I checked it

It was like But even even a week after I smelled it And I was like Taste a little bit I'm like still taste fine But once you get too much past that point It's gonna curl and gross But yeah like

Like pasta noodles Sitting in the back Fuck you dude Yeah Those are good forever Those peaches that we found Yeah they're in here somewhere They're probably great

You're probably so good. I can't wait to see that opened. 525. 525. This one's kind of weird. Texting while walking. We love to do it. They invented an app.

But we shouldn't do that. What? They did. For texting while walking? Yeah. Do you remember that? This was years ago. So it was like basically you would, the app was see through except for the words that

were coming up. So you could walk with your camera in front of you. So you could still see. It would go through the cameras you could see. But then the words. would pop up on the screen, kind of like a teleprompter. That's trying to make like an invisible cloak

that you could text on type of thing to see through your phone. Because people were, you just fucking walk into, you walk into traffic because you're not paying attention. We did a Dave and Angus watch one time where it was people doing that

and walking into ponds, walking into traffic, walking into holes, poles, yeah. So I guess it's pretty dangerous, but, you know, if you can be dexterous and aware of things,

If you've got good spatial awareness, who cares? Yeah, true. This one's one that I think we probably all do a little bit, especially in our business, overloading electrical outlets. We love to. Yeah, I'm a big fan. It's convenient. Charge everything at once.

I know where it is, but it could risk fires and electrical damage, obviously. Great T-shirt. I love overloading electrical outlets. I, yeah, I overloaded electrical outlets. Here's another one that I think this is true. It's picking at scabs. I think human beings are a little bit pumped about it I just want to get them out of there

It's oddly satisfying for a lot of people Yeah, when it's like the hurt isn't that bad Yeah And you get a nice little like cookie But then it actually delays the healing And cause infections and scarring So you're like you just kind of fucked your face It just makes it bleed again

And then you have to eat it Oh god It's one thing I hate is Picking my scab so bad I have to eat it Huh? It's like a jerky It's people jerky I love picking scabs and what's the next guy

But if I gotta eat it That's where I draw a line brother Then I beat it And it's like I try not to do the ass scabs This one's lying about small things It's an easy way to avoid awkwardness And get out of minor trouble But it erodes trust in your friends

And can snowball into bigger issues True Little white lies Little lies But we do it Yeah just get out of it It doesn't matter Leave me alone

If you have kids It's like that's their jam That's all they do Yeah And as parents you gotta just figure out How to not hate them for that Yeah, pick your fights. You can't attack them over every dumb little lie.

Right. Or else they'd be in trouble all the time. Right. So this is things that we like to do, but shouldn't. I don't know if we like to do this or not, but this is like leaving laundry in the washer. After you've done all the hard work, forgetting or delaying the next step feels like less work in the moment. I got to move that. I hate that because he's got to rewash it, especially with towels.

And it gets that smell, the mold smell, where you walk around. Which is funny because right now, has. we're recording this uh you just said that and i there's sheets i got to get out of the fucking watch see when i said that to monique she was like fuck i got that downstairs yeah i don't like leaving it there i don't think yeah we're recording the show so i can't go change the sheets can you imagine if he's got up and change sheets so here's a thought on that and kind of like dishes is there anything worse than like let's say you've got to go move the laundry over it you open up the dryer and the clothes are still in and you're like fuck because now you got to get

those out and then you got to you got to find you got to find like a bad basket to put all that stuff in so you can transfer it. And you also have to do the laundry because now you've got to move it somewhere. Right. You don't do it, but you should. I do. You do? Yeah.

It's kind of like, I mean, not often, but sometimes. Kind of like they're doing the dishes, though. Like if you use a dishwasher, so you're like, oh, finally do it. Okay, fine, I'll do the dishes. You go to open the dishwasher and they're all the clean ones are in there. You've got to unload it first. The task just doubled? It just doubled.

You're like, never mind. Son of a bitch. I'm surprised by how many people. in a different thing I was looking up how many people hate laundry. It's up there with some of the worst things. So are other people that love laundry? I can't imagine so, but there's some people that are probably like, yeah, our ancestors

it took a day to do that. I mean, getting laundry done. I mean, it does feel good. Dude, again, remember Charlie's mom? Yeah. Doing the laundry. Cheer up, Charlie. She's fucking

got this giant spoon, just washing people's clothes. It's washing shit off people's clothes. Got from the back corner of Target, big old fucking wooden spoon, live left spoon. And Charlie's like,

I ain't get a golden ticket. Ain't nothing like home. Cheer up, Charlie. That water looked so good. She's trying to keep four four old people alive and fed and Charlie didn't get a fucking golden ticket.

She's doing the town's laundry. And singing. She doesn't want to be out there. She could still find, enough energy to sing about it. That's a good attitude. Good job, Mom.

Then Grandpa Joe's just like, I've got a golden ticket. No, you don't, bitch, your grand kid. By the way I can stay up the whole time. Let me dance. I'll go to the chocolate factory with you. I'll even fly to the ceiling. Let's go through the ceiling at a fucking elevator.

It's a Wonkavator. All right. The elevator can only go up and down. Wonkavator can go left, right, diagonal any way you want. All the ways. Just like he said. We've got a bunch of

more, but I'm just going to do two more. Okay, grab us two. How about this one? Popping pimples. Yeah. That's not for everybody. I'm in it. I get it.

It's instant gratification of fixing shit. And on a microscopic scale, you are losing weight. You pop enough pimples, you might. You squish them out and get that out of there. Like, you did just lose a little weight. The shitty part is that it can cause scarring, obviously, infection or worse acne. What? You actually can get worse acne.

Popping acne gives me acne? Yeah. You cut one on. You pop one, you get two back. God, it's like a fucking octopus. Medusa? Acnipus. I don't know.

Okay, what do we got? Last one. Last one. There's quite a few. We'll do this one because this will be old Brian drinking soda regularly. Oh, oh, boy. We love it because it's refreshing and fizzy and it's available everywhere. Yeah.

Yeah. But it, you know, has full of sugar leads to weight gain, diabetes risk, and teeth issues. And we can't stop doing it. Isn't that healthier just to drink paint? I think so. Perhaps. It's not as carbonated, though. Carbonated paint?

If they carbonated that shit, Brian would be all about it. What's your favorite soda? Carbonated paint chips. Dr. Pepper Zero. Okay, so you're not doing the sugar. Because Dr. Pepper is my favorite pot, and they made Dr. Pepper Zero, and it tastes... Exactly. Probably even better.

And I made a daughter. That's how much I love Dr. Pepper. Oh, you should. No, shit. No, shit. Yeah. No, my, I go classics. That's my go-to. Just like Coca-Cola or Pepsi. Fair enough. Just their original flavors. Neither of you are Mountain Dew, folks. Good for you. I was growing up. I'm more of a dark, I'm a dark pop. I mean, I drank so much regular Pepsi and Coke growing up. A disgusting amount. But I actually think I like the bite of just more of like a bite to it. You want to be punched in the face by your soda. You mentioned that last episode. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's like you just get that throat. burn it's like people who sick smoke and like that burn in their throat that's what i like about fucking pop i miss that what's your least favorite soda uh i mean any of the like i mean i get the mountain dew's good but i never buy i always buy brown pops anything like squirt spright they're

okay but i just prefer the dark stuff yeah i guess if i if i looked at the wide range i'm trying to picture like all the pops that would be on there i don't fucking know brisk yeah I don't know. Seven up's fine. They're all fine. Eat shit, Joe. The orange. Let's move along.

I don't know. What's the orange one? Like, Minut made. Remember those? Like, the orange flavors? Wow. Yeah. What's the name of the orange one?

Fanta. Yes. No. No. Minut made, too. Minut made, but there was another one. Orange Crush. Yeah, Crush.

Minut made Fanta. But what I did like those for was Floats. Like a vanilla ice cream and an orange float. Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. But just drink. As a kid I used to drink.

as an adult? What am I? What am I? What am I doing? That's how you lose a foot now that you're getting close to 40. All right, that's all I got. That was dumb as shit. Way to go. Thank you. Uncle Zach. Get off his boner-ridden lap now. I've had to keep this up for a long time. I don't like it. All right. I found something on the internet. Zach, push the button. Take a look.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! So I thought this was interesting. What is it? For those, I mean, I guess it's mostly a gal thing.

Okay. But for those gals that like to party. Yeah. All the time, they need to maybe sneak booze in or whatever. Maybe going to a concert. Yeah, to go to a concert,

going into a funeral. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Funerals are boring, dude. If you're getting, yeah, hammered.

Well, when I explain this, you'll see why going to a bar versus a funeral would be interesting. So the box is, it's made to look like tampons. Oh. And then inside, they're a little flas. Oh, those sneaky sneaks.

Yeah. And so, but it's in a wrapper to make it look like it's a tampon. Okay. So you go into the bathroom or whatever and you just, you're, oh, I'm just on my period. Crack open a little, little vial there and take a shot or whatever you want, whatever you mixed up in there. And no one's going to question you, really. No.

anybody that questions you that's not a good look hey you do those tampons do you drink in those no that's a sexual assault oh okay okay sorry I guess making sure you weren't drinking your tampons all right in the box size is important

it's 12 of them on the outside at least it says 12 tampons because if it was a big ass box and you're just like just going to the bathroom bouncer and you have like a Costco size yeah a little suspicious yeah or like a bridey pack if you've got like let's say it's a Rital shower, six, seven girls in there with the little ribbons that walk, they walk into the bar, and then they all go to the bathroom together.

Okay. And they just, you know, pop a shot of tampon, booze. It says that it's good for nightclubs, festivals, cruises, and sporting events. Yeah, I mean, like, imagine going to, like, an NFL game or something like that. And you accidentally get caught on the Jumbotron drinking your tampon? You're just like open up a box and you're just passing around. Tampons. And then the commentator's like, it looks like, looks like I've got some ladies that are on the same, the same schedule.

Same cycle. Speaking of cycle. Speaking of cycle. Jay Buneer just hit a triple off the wall in right field. Off a truck in his truck car parking lot. Trucks and more trucks. Ask for the bone. Back to the cycle.

Anyway, this game's boring as fuck. All right. All right, well, that's good. So, ladies, there you go. You need to seal some booze? That's the way to do it. A little tampon flask for you. Is there a guy version of that?

Condoms? Everything. You can sneak booze into everything. I've seen headphones. That's a funny one. Yeah, you just wear them in and wear them around your neck and then you just suck it out of your headphones. I'm thinking something in a little more...

Like a butt plug. Yeah. Okay. Or like a condom. Like a condom wrapper, but it's full of booze or something, you know? Imagine you walk in on your friend Just looks like he's drinking Out of a used condom

He's like, I'll be right out So I get one of those Otter pots And then blow it back on Goes over into the stall Some guys taking a shit Jesus Christ Fuck you, bro

All right, let's hear from the kids Are we doing kids or are we doing Look what I found We're just doing That was hey look what I found not doing it a doomed we forgot to do the doomed oh god damn it brian doomed that you said it what what happened to me what happened to me i think we did doomed oh we just pushed hooray we're not doomed and did the wrong story that's idiot very well be wasn't that brian i don't remember what

we did i didn't say anything well so all right what's the guy who yells at zach all right well you want to do another hooray we're not doomed uh sure okay yeah you want to hold yeah no it's all right just fucking roll it. We don't have to play the segment thing. No one cares. These are all mixed up. After this, we'll jump down to hey guys. I don't know what the fuck happened.

So this woman, this is the good news for the show, turns doomed bee swarms into thriving hives. What? So Molly Earl was just a nipper when she started catching honey bean swarms with her dad. What a weird little father-daughter trip. Yeah. I'm going to teach you how to be a nipper. A what?

the fuck an amateur beekeeper armed with nothing but a cardboard box also known as a terrible fucking idea sometimes if I was lucky I'd get a sheet

to put over the box she laughs what I don't get that joke as an adult she took up beekeeping herself as a hobby collecting unwanted swarms

as a way of building up her numbers but with many settling high up in building she was unable to remove them without the necessary insurance or equipment wanting to protect these important pollinators which would otherwise be at risk

of being poisoned by pest or pest controllers Earl set up bees off a bee removal company fuck yeah she and her part-time team She's called Buzz Off That's what I was right there There was another company called Buzz Off

They're like I had a little car next to it Including a builder Travel around Cornwall to save honeybees Since 2020 she has established There's 250 rescue hives around St. Austell. I mean, just give it a fuck about anything. It always makes me a little happy. Yeah.

Like everyone else is like, just fucking nuke them. Mm-hmm. And she's like, nope, I'm going to go around. Me and my little team of five, save a bunch of honeybees. Mm-hmm. I like it. Good job, you little nipper. But she gets a whole ton of honey too.

Yeah. That's the payoff? Yeah, I think that's probably the payoff. Okay. Are you ready to hear from the kids? Fuck, yeah. All right, Zach, now let's do it. Good good!

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Uh, should I take this first one? Sure. First email coming in from our son, Sean, who writes, Hey, you silly goose some bitches.

I just wanted to write in and stroke those egos a bit. Fuck yeah. I got an ego for you right here, boy, I'm. As well as tell you guys about how Brian's poo story from episode one coincided with my own shitty story. First off, you guys absolutely rock! I love the content you silly bastards make. I am really going to miss the OG content

when Zach is doing the podcast solo with Gronk AI, replicating Brian and Joe to the inevitability to your soon-to-be falling, flaming deaths. Yeah. Anyway, here's my shit story. I get it. Because of the hot air balloon. Okay. Back when the pod was fresh, episode one,

Brian told us all his crazy poop stories. I chuckled and thought, what the fuck? How does that happen? Only to have the very same day at work have a shitty incident unfold. How could you do something like that, dude? Here comes irony. On my way to the restroom, a fellow employee stops me and says, you don't want to go in there. To which I reply, damn, bro, did you blow it up? Because I'll just blast the Fabrice. I got to hit the throne. He chuckles and says, not me, one of our older customers. Uh-oh. Flashbacks to diaper and McDonald's. Yep. The McDiper.

He then busts out his phone to show me a pick. It's of the said throne. Somehow, some old guy took the biggest shit I've ever seen. Nick diarrhea. Yeah, not lingering in the toilet, mind you. But this 12 inch long, 20 inches long, 2 inch thick is laid perfectly across the fucking hinges of the toilet seat, hanging down several inches on either side of the toilet. It's like a little puppy in there. Yeah, it's like it's wearing a scarf.

A stinky scarf. It's like a dachshund just laying across the toilet. Excuse me. I don't know who it was or how some old man sideways asshole managed to miss the bowl so fucking entirely. But goddamn, it was like a train wreck, both impressive and terrible at the same time. Anyways, I've been sitting on that story for a while. Just wanted to write in and tell you guys about how after hearing your shitty story, only hours later, I had one of my own. Keep up the good work, my dudes, tell Zach I'm available for co-host spot in the future, whatever.

And for the record, I did drop a fat steamer in the ladies room that day. When you got to go, you got to go. Peace out, you silly some bitches. Your stinky son and Ida homie, Sean. I like that. Yeah. It's an Ida homie. Never heard that.

Okay. Well, now you have. That's a gigantic. Oh, yeah. Just hanging over it too. I can see it. It's like a mustache hanging over the backside of a. Pardon me.

Yeah. The toilets put a disguise on. Real quick, when I was working at Barnes and Noble in California a long time ago. Yeah. Somebody left a football-sized shit in there. And it baffled all our minds as how a human could do that. We've talked about it for weeks. I think about it once or twice a year.

Just the science. Just impossible, yeah. Anyway, back to us. And for it to keep together and not break apart, that's what's always impressive. Yeah. That's probably on the count of all the fiber. He was a fiber guy. He was eating books.

What's going on? Yeah, something like that. All right. Next email is coming from our golden son, Neil. Okay. Hi, Neil. Your golden son of a goose. What's up, Big Daddy Joe,

stepdaddy, Bwyan, and the script keeper himself, Uncle Zach Squatch. I'm a former dummy, and I've been listening since before Zach came aboard. Joe is still married, both of you still had dads, insert mummy. I've been part of the gaggle for a while now,

but recently ascended to Golden Goose granule. Good job. I'm writing to report you guys have further warp my already fucked up sense of humor and more so, the co-workers around me.

Nice. To set the stage, I've been a chef for most of my life. And yeah, I have some great stories to share about that, but I'll save that

for a confession. Okay. I currently work in the busy as fuck restaurant on beautiful Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The line I work on is rather small.

And the oven we use opens outward with two swinging doors. There's a restaurant called swinging doors. So me and the other cook on the line will warn each other

that the door is opening so it's not to burn each other. I usually do this by saying, open oven door. He's yelling out of things. Corner. Touching handle. Half to farm.

Yeah, got to go poop. The other night, I was working with the head chef, 16-year-old son, and this fucking kid warns me by saying, coming in the oven. Hey, coming in the oven. Yeah. You can probably see where this is going.

before I can stop myself I reply in a perfect rendition of Joe's purvy voice Yeah You want to say it Yeah you're fucking coming in you Yeah you're gonna come in you're fucking like that You fucking yeah

And since I And since I also Had put something in the oven I followed it with Gap it big boy Coming in it too He just looks at me slightly horrified as I crack up

laughing. After I catch my breath I attempt to explain the podcast and the joke, but I don't know if you really got it. That's a hard one to Yeah. There's a podcast, but you're like, come in, you're like, Anyway, you keep your oven. What are you talking about? You get out of the way.

I'm 16 move. Yeah, what about you? So, I'm either getting a call from the HR department that doesn't exist in my restaurant or I got you guys a new fan. Either way, worth it. Hugs and tucks, fuckers, your golden goose son, Neil. Woo! Good stuff. Thanks, Neil.

I'm fucking cape that big boy. Yeah, you're fucking yeah. You like it? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. All right. Well, that's 166. Thank you guys. We're heading off to the bonus stuff. Content you want to see on the show. The email address for that is, hey, guys, at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, the honkathon is on.

head over to patreon.com slash can you know podcast help us reach these goals every goal we reach we do the thing and they get everybody that has joined up rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast go and see what uncle zach is doing i wouldn't do any of that it's like just a bunch of laps wouldn't do any of that over there it's scatcast.com that's scat with a k and a shout out to the babysitters to moderate the can you don't playground on facebook let's wrap this thing up you got something for it do i Zach please Wrap it up already, huh? Wow.

Oh, it made me a lightheaded hand. Holy shit. Nice callback, though. Yeah. That was one of my favorite moments of the show. Oh, my God. I see... Elephants?

That's what happens when I scream sometimes in music. Get the little pixelated pokey's. Are you back? You just got yourself a concussion? I think I'm back. Those are brain cells burning. Yeah, bring away. Being projected through your eyes.

Feels good, but it's probably better to drink pop. Do you guys know that elephants can't jump? Tell me more. They don't have the skeletal or muscle structure needed, and their ankles just fucking suck. They basically don't have ankles. So they just can't jump. So there's, because, like, picture their legs just straight down. Yeah, they'll just fucking stilts.

Yeah, like, so we have, you know, knees and we can. And they're just, like, imagine, like, just imagine not being able to jump. Yeah. Like, you can run people over. but like if something is coming you can't just jump over it just a tiny little fence and they're like oh no what am i going to do now i need to walk all the way around maybe i'll try and fly with my ears i'll walk through zambia to go around this two-foot wall oh that's a good good little fact i like that i like that um all right off to the bonus shit love you guys mai yeah

Oh,