Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Beaver Balls. Smoking. Lottery. Pink Wig.

Episode Date: October 19, 2022

Remember that one time you were showing your friend pictures of your car on your phone but he kept scrolling and then unknowingly called you super sexy because of a different picture he saw? Let's talk about that, revenge among siblings, everything you touch always being just a little sticky, where to buy dried out beaver balls, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/hEFSXie6e2sSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Beaver balls, smoking, lottery, pink wig. We're finally legal. Sick dude. Nipples popping? Yeah, sure. They were popping. I went to the gym and I looked in the mirror. For a second, I was like, whoa.

Fucking diamond cutters. Lucky I didn't scratch the mirror when I walked by. Diamond Dallas Page? Yeah, sure. Dropping diamonds. Episode 18 of Can You Don't. We are doing confessions again today. Yay!

And we've got a ton we're fitting in there some are short they're sitting this dick those goddamn thighs again baby they're on fire it haunts my dreams i wake up like where is he you hear that i think i'm fucking we were talking about this guy it wasn't last week like two weeks ago right yeah something we uh we got done recording an episode and then we went out out, and we grabbed a drink, and got some food at our favorite little spot here, downtown Coeur d'Alene. And as we were talking, I think we were joking around about you couldn't read, and then I said, I'm making fun of myself because I do it all the time, and I'll never be able to

stop. I have a big placeholder where I just go um i guess like a um hold it hold think joey think uh and then we started thinking about a guy that and we know we know this guy where instead of using um or uh or whatever he just uses fucking as a as a placeholder for everything and we started putting this guy into into different situations and we were laughing so hard they almost kicked us out yeah i haven't laughed that fucking hard or whatever picturing that guy uh getting married you know yeah and the priest is like till death do you part and he's like yeah fucking i do or whatever i do or

whatever well same thing when he's proposing to his wife he's like so you i do or whatever i do or whatever well same thing when he's proposing to his wife he's like so you want to i don't know like fucking get married or whatever and then uh this recently popped into my head because of the all the nasa talk that's going on right where they shot a fucking rocket at the asteroid. Oh, I didn't know that. And they successfully... Diverted it? It wasn't going to hit Earth. But they were seeing if they could actually divert it. They were just fucking around.

They were playing Asteroid, the game. Exactly. And now I picture that dude in the control room. We're like, really important job. We're like, blah blah, check, good. Booster. He's like, uh, fucking... He's like, it's a hundred fucking hundred percent or whatever i hey or whatever colin colin seems like a guy that would maybe do the fucking sure whatever yeah the collins i know we're all kind of like

ski bum dudes so chad yeah chatter a colin just fucking all systems go yeah are you sure i mean yeah yeah i guess or whatever right uh picturing that guy on a game show like wheel of fortune oh yeah jeopardy oh my god why is that so funny buy a fucking uh vowel or whatever we'll take a fucking fucking E maybe I guess or whatever I'd like to that's not a vowel solve or whatever

what is fucking Shakespeare and you just hang on it too what is fucking fuck I love him Shakespeare

I guess or whatever like sitting around prayer at the table it's like hey you know colin you want to handle this one he goes yeah i got it uh fucking fucking whatever thanks for the food and like the fucking family or whatever beautiful beautiful calling like as a parent to you're like you're tucking your kids in at night. Well, you have a fucking read a book. You grab a book. It's like Dr.

Fucking Seuss. Oh, McDonald had a fucking farm or whatever. That's what it is. E-I-E-I fucking O. I love that. I mean, that was perfect.

He's like, he's like, oh, McDonald had a fucking farm or whatever that was so perfect an aa meeting oh yeah so he's like hi my name's brian i'm fucking alcoholic or whatever hi brian hey brian oh man. Reading vows at your wedding. It's so good.

I like fucking promise to be a good husband or whatever. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Fucking. Okay, so that guy cracks us up. And we hope that you guys had as much fun as we did with that right there. Oh, and yeah, there's so many good things. It's endless.

It's endless. Absolutely endless. Send some in. Yeah, send them in. Where do you guys want to see the um fucking whatever guy? We're going to make some videos with that character. Sign up. Support us on Patreon.

It's right there. Episode description. We got a lot of show to do or whatever. A lot of show to get to today. So we're just going to kind of jump right into it. Yeah. And again, including all those confessions. Mirrors are starting right now.

We got to wrap this shit up. We got to get the fuck out of here. So I can go watch him lose a heartbreaker again. In the bottom of the ninth of the three-run bomb. God damn it. We're not going to talk about it today, all right? Yeah, hopefully by the time this comes out, we'll be in the ACLS.

A-L-C-S. Not A-C-L. I'd be torn if I was. If you threw it the wrong way. Okay, let's do it. That's your ice. Good? Good.

Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. All right, so this came in to the email address. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com from our son, Sean. And then I just kind of tweaked it a little bit. Just a little bit. How is that pronounced, Sean, by the way? It looks like seen. I know, just kind of tweaked it a little bit. Just a little bit. How is that pronounced, Sean, by the way? It looks like seen.

I know, and we're going to get into that today. Yeah, we are. I'm fired up, baby. What are you thinking about? So here's the question for today. Ponder this, you, everybody. $20 million in cash right now. In my hand?

In your hand. In my hand. As you walk out the door, you got a fucking sack. How much would $ 20 million be? Depends on how big the bills are. Biggest you can get. I don't know. A lot of bills.

We're not doing that math right now. 20 million is in your hand. But everything you touch moving forward for the rest of your life is just going to be a little sticky. Just not a lot sticky. No. a little sticky just not a lot sticky no a little just a little sticky well you wouldn't be able to pay anybody with that money it would just stick to your hand i think it's only gets a little sticky for you i think well yeah you couldn't i don't know take the money out of your hand just give it to me yeah i can't but once they get it there's no stick on it. It's like a magic show. So $20 million or everything's a little sticky. Or everything would be if you took the money. That is, oh man, that's just terrorizing to think about.

Everything, doorknob, sex, going to grab a boob. Boob's a little sticky. Don't like boobs nearly as much. You get to laugh all the way to the bank, though. Yeah, but who cares? You're going to go mad. You'll have a bunch of money, but you're going to be a lunatic. You got to go to the ATM and get money out, but your fingers stick into the buttons.

Stick into everything. I guess we should define, for us at least, what is a little sticky? Is it syrup on your fingers? Like that amount of stick? But it's not like super glue. It's not a fly trap. You know, those things suck. You ever gotten your finger stuck to a fly trap?

No. Never been to Venus. Hey. Buddies, growing up, we thought it was really funny to throw those like at each other. And then it wasn't funny when it got in one of our friend's hair. He had long hair. Because it was a little sticky. It was very, very sticky. Very sticky. It did not. not it did not uh majority of it had to be cut out of his

head yeah i'm not sure if they still make them that sticky it seems like that'd be a real they don't have to be it's a fly why do they have to basically trap a human when he just has to grab a tiny little yeah you know what i mean like fly yeah i just you land exhausted like i'm just gonna take a little break what's going on here i guess i would take a little break for the rest of my life that would just it'd be like like what's the equivalent to us just getting stuck my quicksand but it never goes away or mud yeah you get in body like oh bob i guess i'm done but it's in a place you would normally be right like so you're walking in the kitchen you're like oh shit i guess i'm done but it's in a place you would normally be right like so you're walking in the

kitchen kitchen you're like oh shit i guess i'm here forever and no one comes to help you right and you're like trying to rip your own legs off you can't do it and then you die so that's what we do to flies if you wanted to feel bad today so you know what what's funny is i speaking of that i usually like if there's a and some sort of insect or whatever bees or i try to trap it and take it outside instead of swatting it even a fly yeah yeah i try to divert them outside just just something i do mosquitoes even get a pass yeah so but what i've done with flies before is you know how you can like trap it with a a cup you ever slid a piece of paper and to cap it you know take it out one time i did that and i slid the piece of paper to cap it and take it out? One time I did that

and I slid the piece of paper and it cut the fly's legs off. You turned him into a caterpillar. It was just this fly. It was like trying to fly away and it couldn't. The legs were shredded. I felt so bad. I was working my ass off

trying to get this fly out. He just sliced all his legs. You're an animal. You're brutal. Okay, so let's just go with... I'm trying to rescue someone from a car accident. And then trying to pull them out of the car and just rip their legs off. Rip their legs.

Exact same situation. So syrupy kind of fingers. Everything you touch. Oh, God. Hold on. I know, but I'm just trying to go through this while you think about how you killed tiny animals and cried about it like keyboards and shit that you're touching like it's yeah doorknobs handles your steering wheel money food that shouldn't be sticky is now sticky

the good thing is a lot of things are voice um operated now so at 20 million dollars you could have a whole your whole house could be yeah you just set everything up to a smart life. You just have a smart life. You spend your entire life just making life somewhat normal for you with your 20 million dollars. you got the money to do it.

Alexa, or, oh, sorry if I get set up. Oh, God, everyone's going to go, man.

Alex, Alex S. Does that work? Alex is. Shoot me a beer through the refrigerator door. Like, yeah,

yeah, okay. And it's kind of like it's like a bank thing and you catch it now you're stuck to your hand it's like your hand forever uh i just hmm if it it's 20 million dollars but i don't but at some point you got to just want to have a normal like the the chance at a normal life over money right and just not be able to touch any yourself will be sticky you go to itch yourself and you're just like a like rubbing syrup all over your body you go to masturbate and your hands are stuck see

that's a good one too yeah sex like you're running your you could pay somebody else to masturbate you running your fingers through like your bait you your partner's hair and just shit sorry if it stayed there that's for sure out i would not take the 20 million well if you had the money the the you could just buy a new girlfriend or a new wife right and then until you stick and rip their hair out on accident over a or an attaboy yeah then you buy another one you'd be buying these yeah how i mean all right 20 million is not that much money it's not but if you live a simple life like you don't you don't have to buy a mansion you could buy a nice house but deck it out to where it's all smart you think that's enough yeah and then everywhere you go everywhere you travel just a sticky fucking i don't know

yeah maybe you would get used to it but i'm leaning towards just i'm gonna make try to make my millions a different way besides having sticky ass fingers for the rest of my life that's me looking for the easy way out you're like yeah fuck cover me in syrup i'll give a shit yeah you guys come over to your house hey brian you're sitting on the couch covered in syrup am i sticky like if you came up to me would i don't know would i be sticky i don't know i think it's just everything you touch is sticky so it's kind of like a spider or a fly they have whatever there's on there i come over and you're always you're gonna be really good at hiding so i'm just up on the ceiling hiding on the ceiling hey joe wave hey buddy oh you could become a superhero you're gonna fight crime just the worst sticky. You're super out of shape, but you got sticky fingers.

Like, that's all you got? Your superpower is just having sticky fingers. It doesn't really do much. It feels like it should do a lot, but it really doesn't. You just get stuck to shit. Oh, there's sticky man. Come save me. I would.

It's sticky man. I would, but I'm stuck to this pole. I would gladly come save your life, but I'm stuck to this light pole. You could walk on your knuckles. You're touching shit. I don't know. It doesn't say fingertip. It just says everything you touch.

Well, so is that including feets, too? Everything you touch. So it'd be like walking around in a movie theater. Just... Yeah, like a floor. But you put shoes on. Still? Yeah.

Even with gloves? Yeah, sticky. Then your gloves would just be sticky, I guess. And then you try to take the gloves off and they're stuck? They're stuck to you forever. Got to layer gloves on. I'm going to skip the money. I'm going to just try to live a normal life and make a happy life

for myself without sticky anything. I'm not going to do it. I'm going with the money. I'd watch. Look, when you picked up the bags of money, if I saw it and I was like okay that's a lot of money I would maybe be like alright fuck it

stick it over bro it's a stick up fuck it yeah I'll take the money or fucking whatever alright so imagine that guy in that scenario

would you like 20 million dollars or everything sticky oh fuck it fuck it I guess I'll take the money or whatever like you say like the money or whatever.

Like you say, like fucking sticky or whatever, but. Just spit it out. I think I start getting. Okay, fine. Forget I ever asked you. All right. Well, I think, I mean, that's pretty much it for that one. I'm going to take the money. You're going to come help me spend the money.

Hell yeah, I will. And figure out how to make my life easier. I will be your smart device. He's like, hey Joe, can you go make me a burrito? There you go. I'm like, you got it, buddy. Because you pay me half a million a year. Is that enough to keep me?

Is that enough to keep me off too? Yeah. We've already covered this in earlier episodes. That didn't even involve $20 million. No, I'm just waiting for the chance. I'll do it for free. Invite's lost in the mail. You need my new address?

I can give you that if you want to send over an invite for my job. Yeah, tell me over the air what it is. Absolutely not. All right, let's move on to what are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Okay, so this originally was going to be a petty beef all right this was sent in by our son cody but i just i just thought about it because this is something i've thought about for a long time um and i figured we just it would be the what are you thinking about because i have beef with this also okay and my beef and his and cody's beef is just basically with the english language in the

alphabet okay he goes hey guys i have a petty beef with the english alphabet why the fuck do we let q be a letter you can use a k or a ck every goddamn time chris wait chris says chris but wait i don't know i didn't say cody oh is that pasted from I don't know. Why does it say Cody? Oh, is that pasted from? I don't know what it is. Yeah, it might have been pasted from something else. Could be Chris, could be Cody. Cody Chris.

Cody. Chris Cody, that's a guy. Chris Cody, that sounds like a, yeah, sorry if we messed that up. Sometimes the name that they write and the email that they write, like they're from two different people. And sometimes it just gets missed. It's lost in the mail. It's lost in the mail. I don't know why Q is a letter i have no idea why because uh because i did read this before we headed the

show i was trying to think of a different any word that requires a q that could be nothing else and there's not one you could use a k and a w to do quest yep exactly there's no reason and if you think about it now you're like yeah but it looks weird yeah but only because we're conditioned that it looks weird because quick could be completely different well there's quick trip that's kw i they knew what they were doing they're like fuck you yeah fuck you see uh they actually put a quick i think it is a q it's kw iq that's a radio station kwiq best rock kwiq have you seen that there's a uh i don't know it's been going around for a while but it's a tiktok thing where it makes fun of like the sounders in between songs for radio and people

just sit in their car while it plays and they're like like trying to ignore it it's like all the hits you get nothing non-stop stop stop you know the commercials when it's like um they'll go uh here's a brand new ford lincoln and you'll get our new gas yeah it's like it's like radios it turns gas. Remember that Twitter? Yeah, it's like radio. It turns into... It's the guy on the shoulder. He's like, and we'll give you a tank of gas. And we'll give you a tank of gas.

For free! I used to make those commercials. Me too. Okay, so fuck you. What's some of the other beef that you have with the English language, Brian? Well, it's just, it's like,

it's simple words. Yeah. Why, if a yeah makes a yeah sound, it's just, it's like, it's simple words. Yeah. If a yeah makes a yeah sound and an I, we have an I for that. We do. I know. An I for an I. So, you know, my kids are learning how to read.

So little things like... You're not the one showing them, are you? No, luckily you do. Luckily there's a... Absolutely, there's an adult in the house. There's an adult. They go to's adult they go to school that's helpful very helpful so for my first first i just picture like i come over to meet your kids you know go out to go out to dinner and like here's the big take a look at the cheese menu

and like are the cheese menus i mean let's be real kids menus are basically cheese cheese cheddar cheese grilled cheese cheeseburger it's just a cheese menu um whatever you want reading just there he's like i don't know oh i forgot i don't read good i don't read good my dad taught me how ain't uh all right sorry go back to you back my dad ain't read my dad ain't reading on good i seen it okay so speaking of read the word read and read are spelled exactly the same one is present and one is past tear and tear i'm shedding a tear and i'm tearing my clothes are spelled the same but they mean two completely different things and sound different. What the fuck? That was,

and I haven't tested this, but I will remember talking about this at one point where like on the shampoo bottle, I thought it was like, like tear free, meaning that it wouldn't hurt your eyes. Wouldn't make you cry. And not tear free.

Like it wouldn't mess up your hair. Right. Um, but it still burns your eyes really bad if you get it in there. You just jammed it in there. I didn't think it would do that. I thought it was tear free, not tear free. Fuck.

All right. Um, so here's another one. G when you're, when you're going through the alphabet, it's like G is for goat. Right. What? Right. G, G, G is for G, G, goat. Right. what right g g g is for goat right so g makes a j sound and then there's a guh sound too

but when they say g is for goat that doesn't make any fucking sense x this is all coming together xylophone yeah that was a good one xylophone x x xylophone what and then letter c can also sound like a k sometimes it can either go ace or a or or fuck it's an s you know yes it could sound exactly it could start a word and sound like it or not start and be in a word and make an s sound cereal that's a fun one and sometimes in the word circle it's got two different sounds from the same fucking letter why is it a k circle k that's a place that's a place so tell you tell me and now why it's like wait what and then why why is k only sometimes by itself and sometimes it's with a c it's a it's a goddamn mess and i i got curious about this as well and dove into and

it pulled up a dove into the internet and it pulled up a website where i found some pretty good ones that do show how just absolutely ludicrous a lot of the english language is i'm pulling this off of bored panda um but there it says there's 67 hilarious reasons 67 hilarious reasons why the english language is the worst this is going to be hilarious and we're going to go through all 67 of them right now no but it says uh ink says anywhere you place the word only in this sentence will make you know make sense so he says she told him that she loved him so it changes everything when you put in only so only she told him that she loved him that's before it all. She only told him. She only told him that she loved him. She told only him.

Like it's just, what the fuck? And it's perfect. She told him that only she loved him. She told him that, yeah. Told him that loved only. It just changes everything. And it all makes sense, but it completely changes it. Another one on here says, yes, English can be weird.

It can be understand through tough thorough thought though so yeah that's a that's a good one and this one uh has changed my outlook on things i think about it a bunch because i never really noticed this but it says adjectives in english absolutely have to be in this order that's a penny in sized age shape color origin material purpose noun so you can have a lovely little old rectangular green french silver That's a pennion-sized, age-shaped, color-origin-material-purpose noun. So you can have a lovely little old rectangular green-french-silver-whittling-knife, but if you mess with that word order in the slightest, you sound like a maniac. And it's an odd thing that every English speaker uses that list,

but almost none of us could write it out. And as size comes before color, green great dragons can't exist. Good God. So you have like the uh like the big apple yeah or the big red apple you can't have a red big apple you sound like a fucking lunatic well in spanish you do do that too that's it's like flopped that's what's that's why when you hear someone that speaks kind of broken english it's because they're not used to all the little nuances and they just get straight to the point uh again i'm not going to go through all these but we have a list here that you can see on the

on my computer where it has every language or a majority of a bunch of languages i don't know if they're all here but it lists how they say pineapple right every single one says ananas all of them say ananas or a version of that then english is pineapple and there's no pines or apples involved in that nothing nothing has to do with it this one's funny uh just using a comma bite me ass bite me comma asshole so joe bite me asshole and then if you leave that out it sounds like a kinky pirate bite me asshole that me, asshole. That's funny. That was like an Irishman. It was good. Who says I can't have an Irish pirate?

There's no rules. There was one I saw one time, and it had to do with the word womb. Oh, yeah. I saw that one in here, actually. So womb sounds or spelled, you know, it looks like W-O-O-M. Yep. And then there's tomb, T-O-M-m yeah and then there's tomb t-o-m-b and then bomb right which is not boom no it's not about but it goes boom it absolutely does uh this is the last

one well we you know hash this all out but it says i never said she stole my money and this sentence has seven different meanings depending on the stressed word. So I never said she stole my money. I never said she stole my money. I never said. Yeah. I never said she stole my money. She never stole my money. It's just a clusterfuck.

It's my money and I need it now. JJ Wentworth. Call JJ Wentworth for money. Sponsored this next segment. Sponsored by JJ Wentworth. JJ Wentworth. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wentworth for money. Sponsored this next segment. Sponsored by J.G. Wentworth. J.G. J.G. J.G. J.G. J.G. no one uses whom anymore could you imagine if the band had to call themselves the whom the whom are you whom whom whom tell me whom are you are you that's just a band that says the who

we should make a band that says our shirt just says it says The Whom. The Whom. We have to look into it. Let's make sure we don't get sued. But I love the idea. Especially in the exact font that you'd see The Whom. Because I would say The Whom. Speaking of Sue, it's spelled S-U-E, right? But sewed is S-E-W? Are you fucking kidding me?

I know. It's not fair. Are you fucking kidding me? Like, see, there's an example that was off the cuff and it didn't make it doesn't make any fucking sense s e w so and then if you did it with f e w it's not faux it's few it is it drives me goddamn bonkers when you hear, I mean, there's so many examples I could go on for a millennia.

I mean, yeah, there's a list of 67 hilarious things that I forget the title. I had it in my head for a second. I've just, just with the kids in school, Amber will be talking, she'll be reading some and I'll, and I'll say like, oh, blah, blah, blah. And she goes, don't. We're, these kids are trying to learn and you're over here throwing out weird things. Or whatever. Or whatever, fucking.

What, are you showing the kids how to fucking read or whatever? Just, they're going to be like, hey, you fucking put the kids to bed or whatever? Mary had a fucking little lamb or whatever. That's perfect. Fleece was white as a fucking snow. Snow or whatever. Something.

Okay, let's move on to our confessions because we have a bunch of them. Okay. All right, let's roll it. Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Heading into the confessions. And we grabbed a shit ton.

I plan on getting through all of them, but I don't always know, but keep sending them in because they're amazing. And that email address, once again, is heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. I think this is very cathartic for people to hear other people are terrible. No, they're getting it off their chest and their assholes. Fair warning, there is one in here that got me a little, made me a little sad. Oh. You'll see. All right, so let's kick things off with a dirty little confession from our revengeful anonymous daughter who writes, hey Sky Daddy's Joe and Brian.

Yes, my child. When I was younger and I was upset with my sister, I would wait until she wasn't home and I would take a piss on her carpeted bedroom floor. Good Lord. I don't think she ever figured out what those wet spots were. I haven't told her to this day Leaky pipe. Well, thanks for taking that off my shoulders. Yeah, dude just getting mad sibling fights are are pretty

Wild they do get out out of hand. Do you have any did you ever get in a big fight with your siblings anything crazy no we would just i remember there was times when we'd fight and my sister threw like one of the gigantic tv remotes oh put a hole in the wall and shattered the remote just stuff like that but nothing they've never like fought each other no never physically fought each other um i never was a big like paybackback got her ass kicked if she stepped up to me i'll send this episode to her um but yeah sneaky payback stuff i've heard stories of people jerking off into their roommates or like their exes wait wait okay see there have you heard of that one no but you oh the way you said that you're like jerking off into her roommates or exes if i just ended it right yeah you got to keep going shampoo bottle i've heard people jerking off into her roommates or exes if i just ended it right yeah you got to keep going shampoo bottle i've heard people jerking off into their roommates hey just how's it going just gonna jerk

off right inside one second i'll be in and out i'll be in and out quick uh yeah but into their shampoo bottle so they go to use it and the next time they're just rubbing cum and shampoo in their hair of course you got the classic which is like brushing your butthole with their toothbrush a clutch a true classic i mean everybody remembers this one remembers this classic right um but the worst or the best depending on how you see it that i can remember and this was not me but it was one of my good friends growing up um it's just a fight a tiff between between bros that got worse and worse over time and my friend we were at a party obviously we were drinking because this was...

If you were sober and did this, just go to jail. Go turn yourself into the psychiatric ward. But he got drunk and then he just shit on his enemy's car. Just shit on it, right? Then, he didn't just end there. We had a plastic bag, you know, because the beer came in a bag. So, he grabbed that out of his car, used the plastic bag you know because the beer came in a bag so he grabbed that out of his car used the plastic bag to grab his own shit off of the car and then rubbed

it under the car handles so not only would you get in and see shit for i mean first of all you might seem like god damn it and you're like i gotta grab something out of my car to clean this off and then you just grab a bunch of shit on the underside of your of your door handle and i'm upset because i don't know what happened it never we i thought it was gonna be this huge ongoing thing i don't think he ever heard or found out who actually did it because it wasn't it wasn't in front of like a live studio audience there was like two of us in the club and then yeah and then two and then two of us didn't say anything so yeah it just remained a secret forever. Until right now.

If he is a listener, he's probably like, oh, shit. I haven't told on the friend that did it. Yeah, not a whole lot of sibling fights in my house either. I will always remember one time me and my brother got in a fight. I don't think he punched me, but something hit me in the nose. And I grabbed him. I pinned him down. He was laughing at me.

And I didn't know. And then I smashed his face with a TV. And now, yeah, I killed him down he was laughing at me and I didn't know and then you smashed his face with a TV and now yeah I killed him no and then so my nose my nose was bleeding

and I pinned him down and just let my blood drip all over his face and he's laughing and I thought I was like spitting on him or something and then he like

noticed what was happening and I was just dripping my blood all over his face like a fucking psycho that's lunatic he's like what are you doing it's like i'm like yeah you did this you did this to yourself all right okay jesus christ i'm gonna read sorry i said to throw that in there i'm gonna read this next one and then uh you'll pick up the third does that sound good oh i have to read i'm giving you a chance to redeem myself yeah bring up hooked on phonics over there and you can get ready it worked for me not no it didn't and now we have two little quick hitter confessions from the same sin-fueled

anonymous kid they say hey dear audio sky daddies i like that because yeah right now if you're just listening to us in earbuds we could be the voice voice. The voice from beyond. Oh, God. They better not. Oof. Should we give him some bad ideas? No. No, no, no, no, no. That'll come back illegally. Go kill the president. The first time I ever masturbated was in the bathroom at a Methodist church while the sermon

was going on. While the semen was going on. That's the way I read that. While the sermon was going on. That is kind of hot. Not going to lie. Methodists are a little crazy aren't they so that's that probably makes sense that's a big sin that's on par yeah satan be with you satan was with you

and also with you peace be with you and also satan yeah that's one thing because i think some people think that masturbation is a sin right yeah so if you're just like rubbing it in God's face. Take that, Jesus! If you dissect what I just said, rub it in God's face. Ooh, you glad you made me now? Yeah. Like this weird shit. But you're rubbing your wiener? I mean, I have not masturbated in church.

I don't even know if you've ever been to church. Did you ever go to church ever in your life? No. When you were little? Did you ever masturbate at school? I went to, not at school. No. I went to a bible school when i was a kid but i just played nintendo cool shit yeah i played nintendo my god is so big so strong and so mighty there's nothing my god cannot do still remember that can you keep going no that's all i remember yeah they always have the cool shit

like oh you got canoe and paintball yeah i fucking love jesus that's all i do that's all i do is love jesus of course i'll be there you guys got we got wiffle ball where's the book i'll read that what chapter jesus was a huge wiffle ball fan and then our second confession coming in again from the same uh sin-fueled child it says my wife cheated on me with a childhood friend we stayed together afterwards a few years later her friend went missing his car was found with the door open on a country road in the middle of the night and i faked being upset they searched for him for several months they finally gave up and i faked being upset a few years later a hunter found his skull and i faked

being oh my god where is this going we had to miss the funeral because we were going on vacation and i had to again fake being upset one last time so dude i mean that's a grudge so they so cheated on they stuck together and then he had to pretend that he gave a fuck when he went missing and died but he did not give a fuck the guy that plowed his girlfriend yes yeah his wife okay like i'm not sure if that was the wife at the time but it says my wife cheated on me with a childhood friend that childhood friend then went and died in the woods and he had to just pretend that he was upset the whole time but he actually was like fuck yeah you got what you deserved see i while you're reading that i was starting to picture i faked being upset like like he was the one the murderer like he killed his friend i hope and then when they found him he was like yeah oh that's oh that sucks i mean if that's if that's what he was saying that's not how i read this definitely not a knife over

there in the trees i have a knife over here. Remember my switchblade? Yeah. I have mine too. Keep talking about it. Um, that, I mean,

I've never had any thoughts that dark. Uh, I can't, you know, off the top of my head, I can't think of it, but is there anything better? This is all I can think of to compare this to is when a reckless driver goes flying by you on the freeway, and then a couple miles down the road, they're pulled over.

Yep, I love that. One of my favorite things. It's one of my favorites, especially during the winter and stuff. There's some dudes with big-ass trucks that fly on the freeway, and they drive like there's no one else on the road yeah cutting people off yeah and then that's the greatest thing when you see that i and i have to admit this too again not as dark as someone dying but he could have died i don't know it was a snowstorm and this dude in a giant truck pretending that everything was fine every other car was going 35 miles an hour in the freeway and this guy was going like 55 60 and just bouncing back and forth in the lanes went flying by me and i saw a bunch

of like snow pile up so he lost control and shot off the road and i was pumped yeah and i don't know what happened to him it was a pretty big crash i think it's i mean it flipped uh so he he might have died and i laughed at it i wouldn't't wish death on anybody. I wouldn't wish death on that guy. Almost because, I mean, it would suck to die. But I would almost rather his truck just gets totaled. And then he's got to deal with that. Because if he dies, he gets out of it. The last thing he knew is he's being fucking sweet.

Yeah. His last memory was like, dude, this is fucking awesome. His last memory was like, look how fucking cool I am. And then that was it. He went out on top in his mind. So if he wrecks this truck and maybe gets hurt, maybe breaks a couple legs or something, maybe he'll be like, oh, that was stupid. But he'd probably just be like, fuck, can't wait to get another bigger truck truck sucked anyway one that i need one

that doesn't fly off the road and flip where's that one where's that truck it's fucking fucking stupid fucking might as well be a goddamn electrical that was uh that was dark that was do you have anything in that realm i mean nothing before we move on i'm glad that he was uh he or she whatever was able to get this off their chest because that is a that is that's plenty to try and stomach for all these years i remember i did wish death on my grandma one time she was um when amber and i first got together we were back there for christmas or something and she was like fucking christmas or fucking whatever whatever i think it was or thanksgiving or whatever all right so we're in there and you know like this is amber blah blah and she's like oh wow she's really attractive how'd you get her i was like

that's hilarious grandma i hope you die in a fiery snow crash in the truck and i was like see you next year see you next year maybe maybe not because you're dumb uh okay do you want to read the next confession sure are you hooked on phonics? Let's see. Where am I at? On to another short one. On to another short one from our heartbroken anonymous kid. Oh, boy. They write.

I still have this music going. I got to turn this off. It's not going to fit. I know. X-Files and shit. Okay, but this one's better. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay, go go ahead i'm still in love with my with the gate right out of the gate i'm still in fucking love with an ex-girlfriend or whatever

my first girlfriend last month marked 15 years since she broke up with me, but I never stopped loving her. I've been in multiple relationships since. I'm currently in a seven-year relationship, engaged in parentheses, but I've never been truly happy with anyone. I miss her every day, but I know we'll never be a thing again. I'm not expecting any serious advice, but I'm hoping that just being

able to put this out there nonlessly and say it out loud will help me try to move on or maybe she'll hear it and know come back knows who she's talking about yeah but that one i don't i've had there's i guess there's some people but but it's never been where I think about them every day. But there has been people from my childhood, girls, for a long time, even though nothing happened. It was always like, well, what if something would have happened? And I've had plenty of those thoughts with like 700 women. No, it's just a few. But yeah, nothing this deep and i'm i i feel bad i feel bad for this anonymous kid because i don't know hopefully it

did help getting it out there i know you're not alone there's a lot of people that feel like they had to settle the one that got away as they say i know that i feel what no i know that feeling fuck me on am i right right as my grandma always said you let that other one go away i guess she'll do fucking grandma she needs to stop talking somebody to put a duct tape around her mouth um yeah that's that's that's a tough one i mean someone so yeah i guess you meet someone that just whatever it clicks but i guess that's a tough one because the thing is she didn't see it that way so it was a one-way thing yeah and i don't know if anybody has reached out to each other since then i don't i don't know i don't know but i hope it helped it's tough getting engaged to someone else because then you'd you know what if she came back

especially if you're yeah your heart is really that deep into another spot see this this is why this is why people shouldn't get married because because now if they get married and this chick comes back now it's a whole thing they gotta get divorced it's all this whole thing poly poly relationships are becoming more and more poly want a cracker what yeah kind of more like poly want to fuck other people like polygamy yeah poly and then whatever it's called like uh ethical non mahogany mahogany like the wood yeah no uh the other m word where they don't monogamy mammogram mammogram wood wood mammogram uh no you're just like you are together with a partner but then you have other people that you sleep with or date or talk to i mean that's that's a

stretch i wasn't even going that far i just meant like it's like fuck it you can be you can be um monogamous but just not get married. Be a life partner. Yeah, because marriage, that's when everything gets complicated. Because now everything's legal and documented and everything. Where if you're just together, you can just be like, you know what? Fuck it, I'm out. I love you so much.

Let's get the government involved. Yeah, it's just weird. Okay, moving on. We've got one. Love you, honey. Love you, babe. Glad we're married. One last confession.

Joe knew what to do yep one last confession for this week they write hey Joe and Brian Brian

I had to make a fake email for this confession ooh my thighs and it says Joe Theismann it says you can call me Joe

rude I'm sure that was on purpose um it says so let me tell you what oh yeah let me tell you what what yeah Let me tell you what What Here's a little back story

I was in Las Vegas I've never seen someone Put a capital H in front of it But I've never seen anybody Spell it out like that Let me tell you what That's hilarious I was in Las Vegas alone

This Oh my I forgot kind of what story it was And now I'm remembering Fuck yeah Ready? Okay I was in Las Vegas alone

In a top floor suite Drinking all day And having too much Booger sugars You know what that is right? No That's cocaine Oh

You'd know that If you did more drugs And had more fun If you lived If you lived a little Every now and again I wouldn't have a hole In my nose

Booger sugars and hanging with old girl molly you know molly is yeah that's another drug i've heard of molly and for whatever reason around midnight i was in an uber on my way to a sex shop this guy's by himself yes hold on i know it's coming okay that's what she said next thing you know i'm in the checkout line with a wig, sexy clothes, and makeup. I go back to the hotel, shaved my whole face, and had about a three-inch beard at the time. So that was a big what the fuck moment. And then I got dressed up and started taking sexy pictures of myself.

Oh my God. I know. Again, I'm not kink shaming. I'm turned on. I'm just putting this in like this scenario and picturing all this happening. Sure. Like I said, I'm all boned up over here. If this is your thing, I don't care.

But it is. It's just funny how he words all this stuff. So we'll fast forward a few months later. I was talking with my roommates, who was also a guy, and I was showing him some pictures of my car. And I had a few. So he was scrolling through the pictures. And as I was looking, he was scrolling down the pictures.

And I hear him say, oh, damn, who's she? She's pretty sexy. My heart started racing so fast. My face turned so red. I played it cool and just said that was a girl I hooked up with and grabbed my phone back. Which, I mean, if you ever masturbated, you're not lying. Now, fast forward again a few months. My house got raided while we weren't

home when we got home and we're checking out what was taken everything was everywhere and he saw the pink wig i wore and he was like what's that oh no heart pounding i guess responded i have no idea maybe one of my exes anyways i don't know if he connected the dots or not i hope not oh what a funny just i love it what's the buffalo bill from the from hanibal fuck me would you i'd fuck me so imagine him like that kind of vibe is so fucking just on cocaine molly and drunk and like i'm gonna get all sexy and i just love that where you don't really you're not the one in control right you're just in an uber you're like i guess i'm going to a sex store and the next thing you know you're like fuck i guess i'm buying all this sexy clothes

well i guess i'm shaving my beard and here we are me taking sexy makeup on guessing and then to have your friend be like damn damn, sexy girl. You know what would have been hilarious is if he would have sent that picture to himself, the friend, just whacked one off to that picture he got. And then come to find out he's jerking off to his buddy. You'd have to have some quick thumbs to pull that one off. Can you imagine like, yeah, let me check your photos really quick. Airdrop.

Airdrop real quick to yourself. It goes fast. Airdrops fast these days oh man that was so good that's funny though like it's just like especially if you've never done anything like that before to where i mean yeah something just make you do things that you're not wouldn't normally do but you're like you know what i'm here by myself how am i gonna entertain myself i'm gonna get fucking sexy okay i should yeah sure i could have a night on the town but i could also take some sexy pictures yeah maybe i mean maybe he just dresses up that's his thing and that's fine you know what what happens in vegas comes back on your phone right that's what that's what they say uh that's in the commercial it's an

updated version you know what would be funny is like if you were able to start some sort of a this has to exist so let's say let's say you were a very attractive woman when you dressed up like a woman and you started an only fans for your your woman character yeah i should do that with my mom character somebody wrote in with something kind of like this i forget what fucking show it was for because i don't know what year it is anyway i'll try to think of more information keep going well just basically that you're you're basically a completely different person on there because you've got makeup on you people don't know it's you but as long as you're not like too naked and everything, if you've got a good ass.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Padded bra. Yeah, see how much money you can make. You never know. No shame in that. Get some feet pic. Man, I feel like it was on this show.

Was it a Petty Beef? Ah, man, I feel so stupid now. But someone started an OnlyFans account. Hopefully this sounds familiar to you. And their ex-husband's new girlfriend found her OnlyFans account and signed up for it. No. It was like super weird connection within the family where like now her ex's girlfriend is now seeing her naked through her only fans account and pretending like that's totally fine so they did it for it wasn't like oh i want to see this

is all about and then did it it's like no i'm enjoying this and like there was some interaction about how hot she looked and commented on it and stuff what was that how what's the dynamic again i so only fans account girl. Yep. Ex-husband. Okay. Her girlfriend signed up for the original wife's OnlyFans account. The new girlfriend signed up for the ex-wife's account. Okay.

And was totally fine with it. And I mean, from the outside looking in, I'm fine with it too. Yeah? Yeah. I don't have a problem on why you care so much. What's the issue? I see no problem. No, that'd be weird.

That's fucking weird Thanksgiving dinner. Isn't it? Really spices up the holidays. What if the new girlfriend wanted him to go back to his ex-girlfriend and do stuff on OnlyFans so she could watch? I'll tell you what, there's weirder things out there. That's for sure. It's not weird. That's not that weird at all. Yeah, there's definitely more unique things out there. That's for sure. It's not weird. That's not that weird at all.

Yeah, there's definitely more unique things out there. Yeah. That's the word. There's nothing weird anymore. No, no, it's just... Anything that, I mean... It's just unique. Is it for you?

No. Yeah. But it can be for somebody. But it is for somebody. It's for somebody. All right, let's take a look at some good news. Again, send in more confessions. It's always a blast getting these read or reading these on the air.

Hey, guys, at cany don't podcast and do like fucking seven hail marys or whatever whatever i'll save you yeah so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah now this good feel story it did happen a while ago, but I've never heard of it. It was back in April. But take a look at this. A recent EuroMillions lottery winner. They have the lottery over there, too? Whoa! EuroMillions.

What? EuroMillions lottery winner scored one of the largest prizes available, but instead of spending the money on yachts, mansions, and fancy clothes, he's giving away most of his fortune to save the planet. I don't know if I could do this. And after the opening question today, I know you sure as shit would not be giving away your money, Mr. Sticky fucking Sticky Fingers. A French man hit it big in a recent Euro millions draw, according to Spain's media outlet,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and fucking Vanguardia. Yeah, sure, that's close. millions draw according to spain's media outlet blah blah blah i'm not sure in fucking vanguardia yeah i'm sure that's close he could have uh purchased a chateau in the french riviera overlooking the mediterranean or even a vineyard in bordeaux he went a completely different route

he the draw was back on december 11th 2020 2020 the man known as guy i love one of my good friends his dad's name guy and it's just such a it's this thank you like what if thank you his name was man what a guy what a guy his name was man i know uh had a one in 140 million chance of finding the right combination of winning the jackpot and he did uh not much is known about guy he's reportedly a man from the south of france who already had an interest in environmental protection so what this guy did is he pulled it all aside and basically said no like this is going to be used for just these causes and if the cause isn't deemed good for the planet you don't get to pull money out of this fund and that is i mean that's a really smart way i'm guessing he i would hope and again it doesn't really matter that he would have scraped a little bit off the

top when i was reading this article and he did scrape a little bit so 228.35 million uh then 239.22 million were some of these that were given away and he did scrape just a little bit off uh when he won the jackpot there for that euro millions so good for him what was the total that he won uh where is his that close yeah to the top 500 oh 500 200 million so i'm guessing there's a just like the irs won the least the most recent was a billion dollars or something and the irs got half a billion dollars like of the same of the guys winning it's like all right cool thanks yeah but i guess i mean i don't know i mean that's cool and going very cool going back to the money thing just so you're not not no i'm not a piece of shit um i of course i give away i give people money all the time that That's what I do. But no, what I would do is I would give a lot of money away, but I don't think I would

do that so much. I would do, I would give it to people that needed it. Mm-hmm. Like to actually people, not just the, here, take this money to rebuild the wetlands or whatever. Like that's cool and everything, but. I mean, how cool are alligators seeing it? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, alligators. alligators seen it yeah yeah i mean alligators live in wet land so oh wow wet tree yeah i've been there now yeah whatever get rid of it i mean you got a fucking blue-footed booby titty out there

oh wow take a picture of it i don't give a shit i always said that i would buy a big piece of land and take like uh random dogs that are just walking around and just throw them on this big field and they can run around their tongues hanging out michael vick yeah you tie michael vick to a pole and let the dogs go let the dogs go at it um but yeah i would give away money to people and yeah i would just go i would just walk around and some guy walk around i'd just be like, here, here's 10 grand. I know.

I want to, I can't wait to get to a point where we're making enough money where you can go out and just give like a thousand dollar tip. How much fun would that be? I gave someone a hundred dollar tip that Red Robin had, she'd lost it. I know. It's amazing. She was crying. You're like, hey, anyway, if you hear about the, here, here's a car as a tip, like that'd be so much fun. I'd love to be in that position. Tax write off. That's amazing. She was crying. You're like, hey, anyway, you hear about the, here's a car as a tip.

Like, that'd be so much fun. I'd love to be in that position. Tax write-off. That's the goal. Anyway, did you guys get our Patreon link? Because that'll help me give away cars as tips. You know what we could do is if anybody that wants to donate money to an account. Oh, yeah.

Just give it away as a big tip. We'll go into a restaurant and just give that money to a waiter or waitress. We'll have to figure out how to set that up. Okay, let's take a look at something that was found online by one of our kids. Okay. Okay, I figured it out. What? I figured it out.

Oh. It was sort of... You said we have to figure out how to do that. I figured it out. You figured it out. Just send it to Venmo. Oh, yeah. Fucking, that's right. Fucking. Fucking. Okay, let's take a look at that. I can't out. Just send it to Venmo. Oh, yeah. Fucking, that's right.

Fucking. Fucking. Okay, let's take a look at it. I can't wait for you to see this. Okay. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool

or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! No stranger, or no secret, I should say, that Etsy has some crazy stuff. This was sent in by our daughter, Emmy, or Emma.

Emmy. I like Emmy. That's a great name. You can buy dried beaver balls. Mmm. Yum. So apparently, it says caster grade number one, cured and aged beaver casters, pheromones, musk perfume, and incense ingredients. So I didn't know that dried...

Those are huge. Those are some big ass balls. Damn! You get it, because it's a beaver. But I didn't know that beaver balls went i don't my guess am i an idiot did you know beaver balls were made used for perfume and musks and incense i actually did know that i did not know that but if you are into that you can go to this etsy store if you type in dried beaver balls it's the only one which i don't know if you're going to find

that surprising but if you go down a couple pictures they have a tin what the they look like chicken wings they have they have a tin of these fucking nuts or they might be ground up beaver nuts in this little tin like looks like a like a chew tin what does that smell like i mean there's like perfume and i know like a musky smell what that's got to be so brutally strong right i don't know i've never if you know maybe we just need to buy these are really act oh these are really active you know they're busy yeah bitty bee busy beeves they're probably pretty sweaty what was that uh beaver just see some running water and he's like nope fuck that not not letting this go you know what we need to do over my dead body we need to order some of these we need to order the pussy chips

oh yeah from last have like a big old feast we're just rubbing dried beaver balls on our face and eating pussy chips yeah welcome to america baby land of the free god damn it uh that's all so if you know more about this industry than we do i saw that i thought it was weird that you could buy dry beaver balls um but it's not if you're making your own perfume it's not that weird but just tell us what does that smell like like what is it just let us know i want to know more somebody has somebody out there dabbling dabbling in beaver balls yeah yeah diddly daddling yeah someone out there is drowning in beaver balls. Yeah. Yeah. Diddly daddling. Yeah. Someone out there is drowning in beaver balls. Ensconced. They got to let us know.

All right. Let's read a couple emails from our kids. Right? Okay. Hey. Hey, you guys. All right. Let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All righty, Joe. Yeah. Our first email is from our sexually adventurous kid, Bobby. Sussy.

I don't know if it's a male or a female. I don't know either. I know, I know, I actually know like three or four female Bobbies. Yeah? Mm-hmm. I don't know how that happened, but here we are. Do they carry, nevermind, stupid joke. I'm just going to make a pens joke.

Well. So I'm a professional butcher. Rarely used pens joke. I'm a professional butcher. Rarely used pens joke. I'm a professional butcher. And my wife comes in. So presumably it's a man, but you never know. Because she... I was going to make a butch joke.

So I'm a professional butcher. And if my wife comes in and sees me in uniform blood, or not, getting laid that night all right there's definitely a market for butchers and mechanics alike because she gets all attacky when i work on our truck too so a little confession ish the weirdest thing i've ever been asked to put somewhere was this chick i dated wait yeah you got it i've ever been asked to put somewhere was this chick I dated back in the day. I wanted to be frozen. She wanted. She wanted me to put frozen fruit up her vagina.

Woo. And then let it milk. And then milk. Milk. Let it milk. I got nipples. Can you milk me? And then let it melt.

Then wanted me to eat it out of her. Just going to leave that there. Love the show, guys. Your kid, Bobby. I'm in. I've never done it, but I could see a fucking vagina smoothie in my future. Yeah, like some strawberries.

I mean, how bad could it be? It's got to be. It's only making things better. Just fish smoothie. No, no, no, no. Gwar has a song called Fish called fish fuck you ever listen to it fish fuck baby i want to fuck you with a fish no all right give me fuel give me give me fucking fishing it doesn't fit uh i'm gonna look it up i haven't fucking looked up guar well what's his

name died a few years ago so fish fuck good i'm glad i wasn't making that odorous sarongus is that the singer the old singer odorous sarongus sounds good how's that ice so good all right here's fish fuck by guar in case you cared blood flying everywhere. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

But I said, fish fuck me. I don't want to fuck you to the face. I said, fish fuck me. I'm going to fuck you and I'm finished. Don't take a risk, all right? That's all you need to know That's that Green Day riff I'm gonna fuck you with a fish Fuck you with a fish

How does that one make it out? Those are the types of songs They're in the studio And then they never make it out But then you're GWAR And there you get fish fuck baby Okay let's read our second email. This is coming in from our drunk daughter, Chelsea, who writes,

Hey, guy. Hey, guy. So, I don't know how drunk she was. Hey, guy. Hey, guy. Just listened to your podcast for the first time and definitely got some weird looks from people while I was walking my dog. I was literally ugly laughing, tears, and snorts and all. That's the goal. Yeah. That's the goal.

That's the goal. Love to hear that. So this is going back a few episodes. Your cigarette lighter debate in cars reminded me of a perplexing discovery I recently made. Maybe because I used to travel monthly, I didn't notice this before, but following the pandemic, I started flying again this year. I was on a flight from Washington to Florida and was overexcited for the first trip in years

to a friend's wedding, so naturally I was sucking down the G&Ts. Thank God I had an aisle seat because I had to go a lot. Yeah, yeah. What's your point, lady? Here it is. Get on with it. Come on!

Here it is. On about my second or third trip to the bathroom, I noticed a tray on the inside of the bathroom door that you could flip down and put out a cigarette in fact it was perfectly positioned so it's about shoulder height when sitting on the toilet on the face of this tray was a no smoking symbol of course all i could think was uh what obviously no smoking on flights is one of the frequent reminders we get which we we shouldn't even get at all. Why? Just fuck off. You just, I mean... You're wasting time.

Just stop. It's like, oh, no smoking signal. Yeah, we got it. You said no smoking. We don't need the ping. Anyway, besides leaving our bags unattended, yep, that's another one that we get plenty of warnings about.

So, why the actual fuck does this cigarette tray exist? I don't know. It's not like they have a designated abandoned bag area in the terminal. I've spent every moment on flight since pondering this absurdity of this fucking cigarette tray you may think maybe it's there because it's an old plane i thought that too so i investigated the next time i was on a brand spanking new plane went to the bathroom convinced to be gone

still there i love how she like went full fucking detective monocle yeah i mean let me see here yeah drinking coffee putting the red lines everywhere and i love this line it said the design had even been improved so they're still fucking taking the time engineering effort and production materials to make the cigarette tray super accessible and functional why it's driving me crazy maybe i need to get a life what are your thoughts ch Chelsea? I think that's a great observation. I have some thoughts. Yeah. What?

How about they figure out a way to get bathrooms bigger? Oh. I was going to say, how about you just let me smoke on an airplane? Right? Am I right? No. Come on. Right?

What's the word? Come on. There's no proof. There's no proof it's bad for anybody my grandpa smoked he lived 102 you guys ever hear that example yeah yeah it's like okay we get it outlier you know how any of this works it's yeah i'm not i'm not racist i have black friends yeah all i've done yeah my grandpa drank his whole life he lived 103 it's like well he fucking won the lottery then like i don't know what you're what you're doing it's because everyone else died at 40 yeah a bigger

bathroom why are they why are they so small it's so awful you get in there and i don't want to touch anything in the bathroom so you make it sticky yes exactly because i've got 20 million dollars if i had 20 million dollars i'd have my own fucking plane yeah you would and i would have a giant bathroom the whole thing would be a bathroom. It would be like a studio apartment. There'd be seats in the bathroom. Yeah. Like, that's it. The whole thing's a bathroom.

A recliner. The toilet would be a recliner. You'd never have to get up. I would just sit on it, and I would just be naked all the time. And if it's time to shit, I'd just be- Take me to Dubai. Okay. I'm going to have to-

Where do you want Dubai? I want my own fucking plane is what I want to buy. I get it. I don't know why why but there's also i've noticed uh like newer planes that don't have the correct adapters like on the plane also fucking drive me crazy um man yeah i don't know but the cigarette tray one the number one place they tell you not to fuck with anything is the bathroom and then they put a cigarette tray in there you know what do not tamper with anything is the bathroom, and then they put a cigarette tray in there. You know what? Do not tamper with the lavatory.

What do they call them? Smoke detectors? Yeah. Yeah. Now that we're on this fucking conversation, why aren't planes, just general planes, a little bit more luxurious? Well, they need to be. Amorite, is that how you pronounce it? Amorites.

Amorites. United Emirates. Goes to Dubai and other places, right? Yeah. And they look amazing. International flights. Yeah. Theyates. United Emirates. Goes to Dubai and other places, right? Yeah. And they look amazing. International flights. Yeah. They have their own bunk bed.

But when I'm flying to Chicago, I want a nicer fucking plane. Is that so much to ask? You can buy cars that are just amazing and we fly so much and we spend so much money to fly. Why can't it be a little bit nicer? Just crank it up a little bit i get it's not a super and i maybe i'm talking out my ass here but i feel like airlines are not always doing that great they're always kind of doing it yeah so if they cranked up production costs i think that's not going to work great for their profit margins

but i'm with you i wish they were a lot more luxurious because it'd be a lot more fun you know you get on an airplane doesn't have a TV anymore. It's like, what are we doing? Alaska. I know my flight's 45 minutes, but fucking put a TV in here. Here's an idea. Instead of putting the fucking tray in the back of the seat to hold the shit that you can buy and the fucking blueprint of the plane that I don't give a fuck about, how about

you put a little screen in there? right how hard is that get rid of the fucking the place of the book holders nobody reads oh man um seriously i know i'm with you fired up baby i get you i get you i'm on your side let's get this let's get a goddamn tv screen in there and don't charge me to fucking watch something. Charging for Wi-Fi is a little bullshit, too. Yeah, that's what I mean. We sound like such fucking first world snobs right now. Yeah. Wi-Fi.

What? But that is a little ridiculous. Wi-Fi is everywhere. Don't charge it on an airplane. Yeah. Come on. It's ridiculous. Come on.

It's just something extra that they can upcharge you for and not improve their airplanes this is all it's all fucking scam i would gladly pay for bluetooth or whatever uh fucking wi-fi if it had a tv in the thing yep and i didn't have to get the my all the shit out and you can airplay from your phone yeah yeah exactly i know we have and i have our kids are gonna be in the best airplanes and i have another six inches in the bathroom grandkids grandkids are gonna have the best airplanes we're gonna get screwed i'm gonna have my own airplane yeah that's right a sticky fucking airplane. Congratulations. Okay, yeah.

So we've talked about heading over and supporting us on Patreon. Will you please go do it? Because we'd like to get a producer. We'd like to... We talked about other things that we forget every single week of what we'll do. We say we jump out an airplane at 2,000. No. Something like that. Well, maybe.

Something like that. I don't know. But we're not even close. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. There's a link in the episode description. Go sign up to be a silly goose. Oops. A super duper silly goose.

Or a super silly goose. Not in that order. Fuck that up. I punched my remote off. You're usually so good at this. This is awful. I punched my remote off my thing and it threw me off. Fucking whatever.

Be sure to follow us on instagram and facebook can you don't podcast booming channel with tons of content we'll get we'll get on it we're getting on it we're making we're making big plans just takes takes a lot of time uh subscribe to our youtube channel you can find that by searching for can you don't podcast and then if you want to hear your confession a petty beef or just us talk about something that you found on the internet send that in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast i've gained weight let's take it off look at that look at that screen at 5 000 patreon subscribers you get lipo i just don't

i'm just trying to avoid a heart attack okay five thousand brian will live forever if we get to five thousand patreon subscribers i'll get a robo heart kill myself and then i'll cryogenically freeze my head this can be so that'd be could you imagine the show it's just you talking to a frozen head frozen head with like a like a robo heart and i got any thoughts brian it's a machine that goes through all the conversations that we've recorded and makes up oh like chef from south park remember when chef quit south park and that occurred hello children and he's chopping all up hey children what are you doing because he left like mid-season god those guys are geniuses all right i got

something for you on the back end. You ready? Yeah. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Dad joke. Yeah. For you. Don't you do it. Okay, do it.

You can do it while I'm reading the joke. You might as well do it now. Do it, do it. Go ahead. Are you ready to hear a joke? Yeah. Okay. Did you... I love fucking with Joe so much

he likes to run a tight ship and I don't did you hear about the Italian chef that died? I didn't he passed away of course he did he was like goodbye children

oh no I'm passing away children He was like, goodbye, children. Goodbye, children. Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm passing away, children. Children. Passed away. That's funny. All right, guys.

Episode 18 is gone. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Outro Music