Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Better Grades. Pole Tape. Perfume. Flaky Perineum.

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

How mad would you get if you were having a little sex and someone pooped on you? Get a gun out mad? Apparently some people get THAT mad. Let's talk about that, Joe's theory about the common side effects in pharmaceutical commercials, getting blackmailed for better grades by your students because they discovered you have an OnlyFans, getting in trouble for taping criminals to poles, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch this episode YouTube: https://youtu.be/6LieLnsc5Z8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Better grades. Pull tape. Perfume. Flaky perineum. Hey. Hey. Hi, Brian. Usually you come in hot.

I figured it would be covered, that noise would be covered up by you going. Whoa. So it was just me just going. Welcome. Welcome on in, everybody. What a joy to have a seed. What a fun show. We've got the best show ever.

Is it the best show ever? Episode 213. recording damn near a month in advance just because summer shit happens you're trying to squeeze a goose god's so hard it's i need two hands well you have them you have two hands way over here oh send in your content suggestions anything you want whatever you find on the internet and fights in your life and funny stories hey guys at can you know podcast dot com confessions we have to do we have to we'll yeah it's it's coming uh patreon dot com slash Candy Don't podcast. We started

a new month and I saw we were two away from hitting 450. At the time that we were recording this, we are three away but then three more people signed up and we don't know if it registered or not. It doesn't matter because you're out of town.

Regardless, we're so goddamn close to Brian and Zach eating the rotten hair. It's just fish, right? Well, it says fermented, but it's rotten. Rotten. Rotten. the heron. It's just fish.

It's bird. It's terrible. No, it's not. It's herring. Like a blue heron? That's heron. That's heroin. You know.

No, no, no, that's heroin. Ah. I think I'd rather do heroin. And 450, Brian and Zach do heroin? And 475, we try to get off of heroin. In 500, I bail you guys out of prison? In prison, yeah. So we're so close.

We're right there. Just consider it. Hop on over. of perks to supporting us on Patreon. You get the episodes early. It's ad-free. You get bonus, like, merch and merch discounts, all that kind of shit. So, speaking to my, dude, I've never, and of course, just the way life works.

So I ordered some super wake merch. And I've had no problem with any other package ever being delivered here. And there was like, we can't, they're like, we don't know. It looks like the other ones. Which one is it? That's what the address is for. Let's look at the numbers. And they're like, we need more information.

And so I talked to them and chatted with them. I don't know if it was an AI bot or a real person, but I gave them the information again. They disconnected from me. And then today they're like, we tried to deliver your stuff. We couldn't. It's like, no one else has a problem.

Look at the numbers and put it. Put it at the door. It's going to get here super late. Yeah. But I do have some super wake merch coming. I was hoping I'd have it in time for today oh but that doesn't not gonna happen that's that's just

fucking uh lakeware dude a tank top super wig let the tank top yep super tank super so many be here by 4th of July but I know that's why that's why I wanted it and so uh no we didn't get there

and I'm sorry if everyone else thinks they're getting super wick in time in time for 4th of July but they're like we don't know what to do it's the same guy he's the one guy with a van full of Super Wake merch driving around the country?

He opens it up. He's like, I'm just curious. It opens the note, what's the fuck? He's like, I'm not delivering this. What's funny about, you're like, I hope they show up for July. This is going to come out in August, I think, isn't it? Yeah. No, close, maybe.

We'll see. All right, let's get the show rolling. Let's just fucking do it. Zach, push the button! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Okay. No dicks, pussies fucking.

or whatever. I'm sure. How okay. I'm sure I'm sure it'll go that way. Super wank. What position did you play? Wanker. Right wanker.

Right. Like if you're a cuck, super wank. Just sitting off to the side. Just nothing but skin noise. Just imagine. Imagine you're sitting in the corner and just rub one out while these two going way out on the couch. You're just like, and you say it.

You're like, Super way. That pause to look over the chair. Comshot. Was that out loud? You're over there doing commentary? There's come in my chest hair. God.

Could you imagine that doing, oh, and now he takes her and lays her on her back? Oh. You don't even want to... Risky moves. You don't even want to, like, master... You just want to do commentary? How do you know she's not lying about the IUD? I hear it's like, fuck, dude.

This is already weird enough. I'm getting close. I'm getting close. Be careful. Be careful. She's lied before. What? I'm going to go grab some ice.

Does anyone have a room key? Ice my balls. Ice, ice, baby. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Okay. Would you rather? I guess it is a little sexy. Would you rather date someone who always talks during movies and shows?

Or just wears too much perfume or cologne? Oh, man. All the time. Just drenched. And this particular, would you rather, I guess, maybe struck a chord enough to be put into the show. because just the other day, what is today? This was yesterday. I was, so like the radio studio.

Radio. I can't. Studio. Studio. Is it a building? So we're on like a certain floor, then the conference room that's shared by the rest of the, you know, businesses and stuff are on a different floor. And we were coming down from a sales meeting. and we got in the elevator

as this lady walked out and it was fucking ridiculous amount of vanilla just a pungent like almost headache-inducing amount of perfume and so that happened

and then this popped up and that is a great reminder of refresh where it is so bad it is so rough and can you imagine being like that's your person like that's the you are traveling

and exploring life together. And they are pungent. You're sitting in a little cafe in Italy overlooking the dolomite mountains. And it's just like, I'm queasy. You can probably do a workaround

as to ask for different kinds of perfume and or cologne, right? So if you want polo, like, you can wear a lot of polo because I like it. But too much is too much. Like, it's the hint, right? Sure. Like, you get a little, like a little thing and you're like, ooh, like a nice smell.

You smell like a one of my favorite fruits. Yeah, there's a, there's a, oh, it's like, oh, geez. Like, that's pleasant. It's kind of like, man, you smell good. But then there's like, yeah, they sit down in the car and you're like, oh. Yeah, it takes over. It feels like they sprayed it right there, like you're breathing it in. They sprayed it on you.

I feel like my mom's generation, the boomers, they just did that. No. I don't need some fancy clue to tell me I'm a man. Yeah. Okay. Everything was over the top. Like excess jewelry, perfume. This is like makeup, you know. Hairspray.

And everyone has that. You know that feeling of walking through that. But you get to leave the situation in most parts. You're like, whoa, like, ye. Yeah, you're walking through Macy's. That was a lot of acts. Yeah. Yeah, you're like, oh.

Or, yeah, the locker room at a gym. Yeah. A high school football. Jim. Yeah. Just spray. And Lysol. And then,

like they're in the different parts they're spraying it. What's the scent that you guys would? What do you guys like? Oh. Stripper strawberry. Coming to the stage. Mariah. No, this, I don't know.

Do you not wear it at all? Do you like to just smell like your own skin? No, I wear stuff. Like, I'll, uh, funny. Enough. So I think I mentioned this was that as bought me this and a jacket and a hat. And then he also bought perfume that was just Joseph is what it said on the front. And he bought it because it's funny. But also it was like $9.99. So it's gasoline. But I'll still put it on. But it's like a very light spritz because I know how powerful that shit could be. And you don't want to annoy everybody. Or like you spray it and walk into it. Mm-hmm. That's what I did.

It's not right on me. I don't want to smell like that. You don't do the little wrist. Yeah, there's little spots you're supposed to put it on your neck. You like that, behind your ear. Yeah. Your butt hole. Yeah, you're supposed to put your butt hole right in your ass.

Right in your taint. Then you roll around. Is this taint friendly? I know. Imagine just like you don't smell any perfume. Then you start having sex and it's just pungent. You come to find out you just acts. Body sprayed her

Puss. It's a scratch and sniff. And you punched. Yeah. And you broke it open like an Advent calendar. Oh my God. And then now it's just so much. It's just overwhelming.

Peeled it open. Anyway. Ah, yeah. I remember, I remember having brute. When I was in high school, my grandpa had brute and I remember getting the spray.

I mean, it's my wife sometimes, it's not perfume. Or I guess, that is a little bit of perfume. We'll be in the car and we'll be going somewhere and she'll be doing her makeup. Then right at the end she'll do like a little spray in the car. And being boys, like we have the two boys in the back seat and they're like on their tablet or whatever.

And all of a sudden they're like, oh, what is that? And they're all loud about it. Like, oh, God. Disgusting. Jeez. And make a big little scene about it. I know. And that's tough.

And then the other side is the annoyance of talking during movies. movies and shows. Which is worse, I think. Which also happens anyway. True. I think I've talked about this before. And so there's a couple of things. So, like, if someone starts to talk, I hit pause, but then there are people that hate

when you pause, like, my wife, she hates when I, every time we're going to talk or something, I pause the movie. She's like, why do you keep pausing? I'm like, well, why the fuck you keep talking? Because I pause it because I don't want to miss something in the movie. You don't have to pause it. You don't have to talk. Yeah, exactly.

So here we are. But she's one of those people like, I'll go in the room. She'll put a movie on and just in like scroll on her phone. So there's something on while she's. Great show on. When I'm like, when I'm watching something, I want to focus on the thing and like be involved in it. So if you're talking, yes, I'm going to pause it. Because I don't want to have to, because what's going to happen is going to be like, oh, what did he say?

And then I got to rewind it and watch it all over again. like pausing it. Yeah, watching it say what you gotta say. Over and over. Mm-hmm. Okay. Now let's replace that annoyance and imagine that they are also watching the movie with the same intent and enthralment that you have. But they just smell like peaches.

That ruins the popcorn experience. Mm-hmm. Everything tastes like that. Would you rather they ask what they said? You're trying to follow the script. Would you rather pause about it? I think you're having it just over. always this very

pungent smell all the time I think they'd have to put out a lot in what way sorry what side of the if they're talking or smell about if they smell bad if it's like if you got to be around

someone that just smells that strong just smells like a I guess the same way too if they're talking during movies but they put out it's like whatever I'll deal with it

I don't even like movies I'll watch it later. What a guy is willing to do to get to that, you will put up with a lot. Like, you know how women can be in a conversation with someone? Like, it's going the right way. And then he's like, oh, yeah, I voted for Trump. And she's like, oh. And then she's like, I guess it's over.

You could be with a beautiful woman. She's like, I voted for Trump. And if you hated Trump, you'd be like, I can get past it. You're like, I'll fuck the Trump out of you. I'll fuck the Trump out of you You're like I don't care who you voted for I don't care for

Can I fucking come You fucking yeah You fucking like it You fucking let me coming in it Huh? You like it I think in this case I would rather someone talk during movies

Than just smell bad That is a forever thing right So watching movies and shows It's a situational thing And it happens when you're in a relationship. But the pungent too much perfume or cologne is all the time. They'd show up and you'd be so mad they're even there.

Because that fucking smell. I think if you're trying to go to sleep and you're just like breathing in perfumption, or whatever, it's like, yeah, it would just be with you all the time. And there's no way you could survive.

Because it would just, it eventually would have ruined everything. But movies and shows and talking too much is like a, you know, it's sparsely placed kind of activity. It doesn't happen every single night. And you could avoid it. It just

wouldn't wear, I just be like, I'm not watching a show with you. You go in the room, I'll stay out here and watch my show. You watch your show. But there are shows that we like to watch. It's like we don't, as a couple, we don't, we're with the kids, the kids around all the time.

There's not things we do. Like, we don't really go out to to dinners and because we just take kids with us. So the things that we get to do that's just us is like the kids go to bed, we can watch a movie or if they're upstairs or downstairs or downstairs or downstairs, we can watch a show. So it's one of the few times we actually do stuff together. So if she was talking the whole time, that would be fucking annoying.

And I have two thoughts, one of which on the perfume side or Cologne side is the embarrassment factor of going out in public. And they just smell. And other people are like, Jesus. You're like, yeah, I know. I know.

I know. I know. You have to hand out like little business cards. It says, I know. She goes, she's, it's smelly, I know. I know. It's smelly, I know. It's smelly, I know.

With your email address? Voice all complaints. And the other thought is you're watching movies or TV shows. And this isn't part of it. But God, how funny it would be. Like, you're going to watch a show? She goes, yeah. Sit down and you just get out a ball gag.

All right You just put it on her Just ball gagger Yeah Every time you sit down Like you're fucking In movie theater And you just get out

Your family ball gag Eventually she'd get used to it right Yeah Comes the muzzle But you still try to talk She turned him like Can I throw a wrench in? What are you here?

Can I throw a wrench in real quick? in her in the fucking mouth so I was thinking like what if you change it up a little bit what if you go out to dinner if the what do you rather was you always go to dinner or whenever you go out as a couple she either spells way too much like perfume

or like or bad like fishy smell where you go out there and it's like and perfume but then I was thinking like well what if it's like a she always feels like perfume but you like or you smell like that sex smell like all those people just

just fucked about it uh-huh and like but so everyone in the room knows that that just happened I mean would it be it'd probably be that's cool I take that little like hell yeah dude there's fomones in the air oh my god just fucking rest

why does chili smell like fucking pus dude pussy and cum apple leaves oh how what they're having Anna Marrard Margarita. It must have been the meat platter

Applebee's. I thought you were going to say go everywhere with a ball gag in. That's even funny. What I was thinking originally was like trying to order a happy hour with a ball gag. There's like if you go out, there's something attached to you

that's like you were just like a there's a dildo or like a strap on just. Right in your forehead. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. Everybody knows. Hold on.

Please take me seriously. Sir, I can't take you seriously. What is the is the how do you How do you cook the shrimp here? How do you pronounce this? It's just some giant black dildo just dangling. I'll get the flamignon.

Every time you turn, it's just one. I'm going to pick the toxtring movies. I can't do the smell. And I'm surprised at that outcome. I didn't know which way I was going to go when this was first brought in. But I can't do it. The smell would just fuck you. you up over time.

It's like a little cork that you can't stand that is everywhere always. It doesn't matter how nice or how great things are going if they just constantly smell too much like perfume. I'm fucking out. Ruin my show later.

I'm not doing this. Zach, what do you pick? I'm still kind of on the fence, honestly. I really don't like it. I smelly fence. I like movies, so I hate it when people start talking to me. I just went to a movie and my friend and I sat there and we listen to He-Man talk for two and a half hours without saying a word.

And that's how it should be. By the power of great skull. Yeah. I wouldn't recommend it. It looks terrible. It's not great. I think AI wrote it. But I think the perfume thing, I think I'm on your side, Joe.

Yeah. I mean, it'd make your Taco Bell taste like them and everything else. Yeah. Everything you did, it just followed you. No, thanks. Middle of winter with the windows down. Smell it. Just on a Taco Bell run?

Hoping for a little. reprieve. You fucked up my chelope? Yeah, like, if you're sitting in the car, you just, you're like, a head kind of out the window, just like... The chalupa tastes like Macy's! Okay. What do you pick it, right? I suppose maybe that, too, as much as it would sock it.

Yeah. But you're already living that life and you're making it work. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. And they're not always around, so, but it's when you do it together. Okay. Let's move off to the, what are you thinking about?

Okay. Okay. Hey, exactly. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? And this is just a thought, okay?

I don't know how much we're going to be able to talk about this, but it's something that I've been thinking about for, um, what's the same? Many moons. A millennia? Uh, moon millennia. Um, so pharmaceutical commercials. Okay. and obviously the famous for the ending, right? Where it's like, this thing can

can save your life. Like you can lose weight, blah, blah, blah. Side effects kill you. And you're like, mm. And vomit, you vomit yourself to death, basically. And you're like, oof, doesn't seem like it's worth it. Do you have constipation? Great, take this side effect, death.

And you're like, no erections again ever. Yeah, and you're like, never mind. I will skip that. My happiness. Yeah. Yeah, that's a funny thing about like antidepressants. It's when they were like, yeah, and, you know, it might like hinder your libido and able to get an erection. You're like, next.

I'd rather be depressed. I'd rather be rock hard and so sad. I'd rather be laying in bed watching porn with a hard penis and like, I hate my life. Dude. But at least I get to come. When I am tying up the noose and getting the chair under it, I want to be rock hard. Like, that's how I want to go out. That's how the guy from...

In excess. In excess, you know, went. So you have those big side effects, okay? No matter what the pharmaceutical is. But this thought hit me, because they always have like the list on the front end that are like... It's like, blah blah, blah.

Like, this might cause like diarrhea, trouble sleeping. Like dizziness, fatigue, blah, blah, blah. And I don't know why it took me so long to realize that they have to list those because that's just all of us every day and you are part of a clinical study and they're like okay well you are taking this drug

anything happened to you're like yeah I had diarrhea and they're like fuck and they have to write it down but the the fact is is that you always have diarrhea you could have a bad batch of buffalo weeks you ate anything you're taking whatever

drug it is, and you're like, I had trouble sleeping. And the guy with the clipboard's like, fuck. All right. Writes it down. But the fact is, you have trouble sleeping always, because that's humans. And you felt a little fatigued.

Do you always feel tired? Yes. Do you feel tired? A little bit. I can't remember the last time I couldn't go for a nap. But those first, whatever, the first 10 are just humans. And they have to write them down. It's the ones at the end where you're like, that's where you tune in.

Be like, hey, what's really going on here? But the diarrhea does in this trouble sleeping fatigue. Restlessness, it's like, are you alive? Then yeah. Yeah. I don't want my leg to fall off, but if I get a little dizzy. Yeah. And that's why we pay attention to like the fun ones where it's like, what's the clinical name for the taint?

Like the, oh, the gooch? Toot. Okay. It's not... My gun. Oh, Dr. O'Brien. Sorry. Show me your gooch.

Super gooch. Is that just like a long one? More space than usual. I can land an airplane on that go-go-go-go-go-goo. Which, let's call it. Sutton diem, terperdium? Dr. Name for taint. Terpidium.

Garlim. Somethingdiam. Peridium. That's one. It says mites cause parodium infection. Let's see. Let's see. Why are you whispering like that?

Why was it whispering? It was just like, let's see. Don't pull this up, but. Yeah, I'm not. Pull this up. There's a. A wide gooch. But there's just the

anus and a wide open vagina. Ooh. The perineal muscles. Just the way I like a. Annal sphincter. But that was just a thought, and I did look this up.

So they, and I have to, what are you laughing at? It's like you're going through a flip book. He is. Like a little kid's pop-up book. Yeah, it was a little boss. Peridio. And a weaner in a ball sack.

Weiner. Muscles of Paranium stock image. Muscles of Paradium sounds like a Harry Potter. Oh. A Harry Potter sequel? There's it. Harry Potter and the muscles of Paradium? Somebody make that immediately.

Harry Potter and the muscles of Paradium. Transverse perineal muscles. That's an erectile. Penis. Fuck yeah. Which is more pleasant to look at. External anal schfincter. What do we do?

The levitor, Annie, and the cockix. Mm. Yeah. And the gluteus maximus. Oh, my coxics. Yeah. Yeah. We gotta get a doctor on here one of these days and just kind of have some.

Could you imagine us? So. Asking the doctor questions. So like, what? He's like, you guys are dumb. So you're telling me. the muscles of the paradigm Perineum.

Oh, Paranium. You sound like a ridiculous asshole when you say it like that. The doctor saying that. It's the parameemianem, idiot. Not the paradigm. You fucking idiot. We'll get this parodium.

How about good? Okay. So, and I looked it up because obviously there's some things in place you would assume to like, what's a clinical, trial, right? Like there's going to be some guidelines set in place.

And I looked it up, and it sounds like kind of. And then you know pharmaceutical companies, and they're hoping the worst outcome is like diarrhea, restlessness, trouble sleeping, maybe a little dizzy, dizziness, fatigue.

Nauseous, maybe. Nauseous. Fucking, every fucking day. Restless leg. Restless leg. When I heard that one, I thought. Are they? They're making that shit up, aren't they?

Shaky leg. I've got that. I drum everywhere I go. Yeah. ADHD leg. It's just the fucking... My legs fall asleep driving here. Oof.

That's your paradigm. I have to keep... I have to, like, move to one cheek and let that blood start flowing and then do that and let it flow in the other one. That's funny. Actually, that just happened right now. I moved over and I could feel the tingly run down my leg. My circulation.

sucks. You hurt your Patella. How big is your paramedium? Your Patel is your kneecap, by the way. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks, Doctor. My wife calls them her petite Patelis. I'm going to stop talking now. She has little knees. Tiny little petite patelis.

Does she have pride in her little knees? Tiny knees? No. But, you know, pharmaceutical companies, and they're not fucking doing, they're just hoping for the best. And someone took their medicine, and that's also something funny to think about, is like, they were probably they could have died anyway.

But then now their commercials like, let's just say it really fast at the end. And if we could say like, could cause death. But your life will be better because someone who is taking it during the clinical fucking study died. It's like the guy from the micro-micrachines commercials

back in the 80s doing like, if you take it this, if you're anal flushing and anal leakage. Yeah, like severe bleeding and diarrhea. We go be. It's a little pill with the big story to tell. Like they make it seem so fun and like some dude playing with his grandkids. If I take this I can dance?

What position did you play? What position did you play? And he's like having a good old time in his retirement. But he's like, he has to sneak away from playing with the grandkids to fucking shit his brains out. To wipe his anal leakage? He's got to go take care of his paranoia. His crusty.

I need to go wipe down my crusty perineum. Big story. It's like, Grandpa would love to be here, but he's got a, he's got a, he's got a go. He's got a flaky peridium. He's got to go spray wash his perineum. We have all this dip and no chips. One second. Just reach down and pull off a flaky perineum.

A big story to tell. Grandpa's perineum is flaking all over the lounge. Harry Potter and Grandpa's Paranium? Imagine he gets up to go to bed. You're like, oh, man, grandpa. Grandpa is... Grandpa. You dropped a piece of your paronyms.

The commercial starts with that. Depends. It's like he walks away and the mom's like, Dad, is your perineam flaky again? Yeah. It does, do you have a... And that's the opening of a fucking pill that cures your flaky taint? Fucking flake taint, dude.

Oh. So it's familiar. Like you scratch it, like you take your underwear off at the end of the day and it looks like fucking Parmesan cheese. It's been flaky since the war. But the nice kind that comes in the little tub. not the shakeout kind. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Besides some fingernails. Yeah. I like Zach's kind of. So the idea that is like, yeah, I would say my flaky perineum started back in numb. You know, like it was the napalm that had a weird. It's like ever since then.

That'll flaky up. Yeah, shit'll make you flaky. It was like one of those commercials for the, for the, um. Misothelioma. Do you have a flaky perineum? Call 1-800 flak taint. Did you, yeah, were you in Vietnam? Dry taint?

You were you in Vietnam and have a flaky perineum? Then you might be eligible for compensation. Call 1-800 flake taint. Dry taint. Anyway, just a thought. Let's move off to some dick, which is a funny place to go. Flaky dick Dad

Sad I just want to like now I just want to like Now as a person who likes commercials Making fun of commercials I want to make that That video I want to make the commercial

Dad Is your parianian flaking again I can tell something's wrong Because not yourself anymore I know Because every time he gets up He has to vacuum the chair, the vacuum the fucking skin flakes from his perineum.

Fuck. Is this Parmesan? No, it's not. Honey, I need help. Someone ate spaghetti in the chair again, didn't they? No, I did not. It's just my flaky parineum. It's just my memory from Saigon.

Honey, did you use the toenail clippers to trim your taint flakes again? Yeah. There's a special tool for that. And for two easy payments of $9.99. Flake rick? Tane rake. It just comes with a little baggy that you can capture all your taint flakes. It'd probably be pretty pleasant.

And if you order now, we'll send you two. I only have one tape. Take two! Give one to your family members. Give one to your favorite tape flaker. Celebrating America's 250th. Red, white, and blue, taint-grade. We'll see your next one for send to your war friend.

Along with this Donald Trump, Comermentor, Coin. All right, what's this? You read it. Fuck. He's not even on the page. Sorry, I need to scroll down. Keep up. And here it says scatcast mad.

What the? Okay. Is what it says. Yeah. West Miami man commits gunpoint assault on sex partner angered by fecal matter act in bed. Cops. Cops! That's the worst headline I think I've ever seen.

That is pretty bad. Words, words, words. Where are we going to go? What state are we going to? Miami, Florida. Of course. A West Miami man is facing three felony chargers after he pulled a gun on. choked and beat another man who was upset at him over a revolting act during a sexual encounter, according to police.

Okay. Just too flaky tacks. Yeah. They were trading flakes. Fuck, like pogs. Flaky Pokemon? This is heavier than mine. It's a thick-ass taintflake.

How much is this thing way? West Miami Police said the crime happened around 6 a.m. Whoa. Sunday at the home of the suspect. Luis Alberto Negrin. Okay. Oz for effect. Let it linger.

Okay. 38. What? I was, he's 38. Oh. Okay. I brain farted on the number, though. In the 6,100 block of Southwest 14th Street.

Beautiful. This time we were. Police said they responded after getting a call about a victim, crying and bleeding in the middle of the roadway. An arrest report states that the victim, Negrin had been drinking and smoking cigarettes throughout the early morning hours, which eventually led to sex. As it does.

To some sex. To some. To consenting a dog. Fucking normal sex. Six o'clock in the morning, dude. On a Sunday. What? Did that carry over from Saturday, or did he get up and start on Sunday morning?

He's like, hey, you want to come over? It's like 2 a.m. Just the, hey, you up? Yeah, hey, you want to smoke cigarettes, get drunk and fuck each other? Just you up. Yeah. Police said during the encounter, Negrin committed an act involving fecal matter without the victim's consent. Whoa.

I didn't ask for this. This sucks. Leaving the victim angry and disgusting. disgusted and leading to a verbal argument. Oh, man. Okay. The report states that it quickly escalated into a physical confrontation, which Negrin pulled a small silver gun out and pointed at the victim's head while making threatening gestures.

This guy kind of made a petty beef. Ha? Get it? I get it. I'll stop talking. I get it. Fearing for his safety and believing Negrin was capable of shooting him, the victim stated that he slowly backed away, back further.

into the residence he's like, dude, an attempt to de-escalate the situation, police wrote, the victim advised

that Negrin continued to follow him while keeping the firearm aimed at his head. Once in the kitchen, police said, Nagrin placed him

into a headlock and applied extreme pressure around his neck, making it difficult for him to breathe. He was choking him. Yeah, that's what means.

Extreme pressure. Super neck. Super squeeze. According to the report, Are you choking me? No. I'm applying extreme pressure. This is extreme pressure. The grim punched the victim multiple times,

causing cuts, redness, and swelling to his face. I'm picturing the Nolan Ryan, Robin Ventura, where he charges the mount he grabs him. So I'm just, that's like what I'm visualizing. Punching it? Yeah. The victim said that he continued looking for an opportunity to escape because he believed

Negrin would continue to assault him or possibly shoot him. Victim eventually managed to break free and run to the neighbor's home to seek help, covered in shit. I think other way around, right? But back to you. I think

yes, he's trying to break free, but he's shit on this man. And then he is shocked that this person did not like him shitting on him. Yeah, so the victim ran to the neighbor's house covered in shit, right? No, he's the one that's shit on him. The guy who got shot upon got mad, pulled out a gun.

Got it. Yep, yep, got it. I mean, his perineum has, sure, some drippage. He's got paranoia, perineum. Paranoid paranoia. The authority's day went into the grounds home to speak with him. He barricaded himself inside for two hours before opening the door. I thought I was going to say opening fire.

He took him into custody, charged the aggravated assault with a firearm battery by strangulation, tampering with a witness or victim and battery. But nothing about, no, no, never mind. So they charged a guy that shit on him? No. No. No, they did not. Oh, this guy.

And then the comments, did he try to escape through the back. door. I believe that's where he gained entry. Oh my goodness. Oh my God. Authority stated the attack occurred at the 6,100th block of Hershey Highway. I can't imagine because in order to, I don't know, I guess you could have your clothes on. If you're drinking and smoking cigarettes and something is happening. Like the situation, you are in a spot where you shit on somebody else who didn't want you to shit on them. Very important, which is, I'm guessing, 99.9% of everybody.

There's some people that are down with fucking around with some poop play, some scat cast. But for the most part, nobody likes it. So you are most likely somewhat naked. shit on someone. They get mad. They pull a gun out. And you were slowly backing into your, into the house, fucking naked. And some dude, you just shit on.

And you're like, hey, man, calm down. It's not a big deal. It's just shit. You're like, please don't kill me. Like, fuck. What a situation. Imagine. Imagine sitting on your, you're across the street, sitting on your little rocking chair,

reading the newspaper with a cup of coffee. and then this is happening. And you're hoping. You're like, God, they were smoking and smoking and drinking. I hope someone shits on them. Yeah.

This played out exactly how it was hoping to play. Fucking another Sunday morning. God. Another Sunday morning in the 6100 block of Hershey Highway. It's just, again, like, it's just like, what the fuck?

Whatever. Like this is, stuff like that is happening all the time everywhere. Which part? Just all of it. Mm. Like, there are worse things happening than that that aren't getting reported and police called. They're just happening.

Like, this one, the police got called and there's a story on it. But it's not like this was an outlier, right? Like, this is just happening. Yeah. Also surprised that the fella who was into, like, shit stuff as a kink was also not into extreme neck pressure. Like, that he drew the line. at that. He drew the line

at a gun and getting choked but totally fine shitting on someone and then is a little upset that they didn't like it. I mean, I guess everyone's line

is different, right? Yeah. Do you remember this brings me back to an email we got probably a few months ago about that girl who wrote in about her

friend, Tinder date, and that guy wanted to shit all over and then bathed her afterwards? and like they're still dating hmm okay

I mean he's nurturing he's very loving he just rubbed just shit all over someone like I'm not who's a good girl who's a good girl someone's yum

but there are certain lines and shit is usually it and a flaky peronyum but here's the thing about okay I know I get a lot of backlash from this because I haven't licked a butthole yeah you should fucking should.

But how come I, it's unreasonable for me to not lick a butthole. But we can sit here and say that poop plays and it's like, what? It's where the poop comes from. You can't say that, you can't say that like, I don't get the whole pooping on each other thing, but I'm going to go lick someone's butthole. Well, you're not grabbing their shit and eating it and licking it. You're still licking their butthole where the poop comes from. I'm sorry. did they get every dingleberry

what about pee I mean I don't partake in either one so I don't know we don't partake up a pee okay I just what if what if you're like what if your partner wouldn't give you a blowjob ever because that's where pee comes from uh

I don't know I think it's different I think I think mm-hmm or they wouldn't kiss you because that's where vomit comes from I see what you're trying to do and I don't I don't yeah I know you don't get it because you don't yeah I think that's a stretch oh is it yeah this is very butthole like up here your mouth for

sure it's like your face butthole but vomit comes out of that and they're like I can't stand vomit I can't kiss you you know because I mean the outside is not the same as the inside but what's inside I'm not doing it I mean I could I'd be fine with Never kissing? Never mouth or anything. What? Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying I don't want to do it. I'm saying like, if I, like, would you rather have, never have ice cream again or never be able to kiss somebody again?

I'd be like, ice cream. I want the, I want the ice cream. I can tell you you've been married for a while. I just don't, I've never, but I've never been like, let's go, let's go up to the cliff and make out. No, but kissing like during any intimate, you can't even do it? No, it's, no, yes. That's a great additive. but like the just the kissing thing like you know and they're like oh you kissed a girl

the kiss the thing for the first time i know but like still it's like kissing for me it's just like me it's just like yeah i look i get that it's part of like in a sexual encounter and it's great it's for it's like it's all great part of that but just like just kissing what do you do that'd be so funny if you couldn't kiss like during sex what do you do just hello hello nice face yeah Or if you're weirded out by breast milk, you can't suck tits anymore because what's inside. I feel bad for you, dude. Licking a not clean butthole doesn't seem...

I feel like... Who said it's a not clean butthole? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, that I'm like an outlier that I haven't licked butthole. You should. I feel like that's a new thing. Licking butthole is a new... I don't know, man. I've seen some old...

Porns. They lick buttholes. Way back then. Yeah, in porn. And porn can be real life. Doris Day was getting her butt licked. Don't worry about it. Just, just, uh, imagine like, you know, like Betty White getting her butt hole licked when she was younger. Fuck yeah, dude. I'll be right back.

I think about that. You know Blanche was getting her, her butt hole licked. I think about it all. Not Rose. Rose wasn't, but Blanche. was. All right. Well,

this is more sexual stuff. But students allegedly threatened to expose teachers' only fans account to get better grades.

Smart kids. Okay. Give me an A or I'll give you that D. And I will say that the headline makes her out

to be the victim. Okay? Because when I read that, I was like, oh, okay, that sucks that you're doing this because we don't pay teachers

enough. Because we don't. But don't feel bad for her yet. Because imagine this whole situation. And there's been so many stories about this particular thing. Women, teachers, fucking young boys. Okay. A high school teacher in Georgia accused of sexually abusing students

was potentially blackmailed by students who discovered her only fans account to get better grades. How come it says that they were sexually abusing? You're going to find out. Okay. That's why the headline is way. misleading. Maris Nichols, a 25-year-old teacher at

Alexander High School, allegedly had sex with a student twice. Okay? So that is, what's the word for? I start with an R. What is it when you have sex with an underage kid? Well, is it consensual?

R. Would you say, Zach? I think it's four letters. Yeah. It's four letters. Rimes with grape. It's grape without the G. G. Grape me. According to a search warrant, the student then blackmailed her with knowledge of her only fans account to get better grades. Previous arrest warrant said Nichols had sex with that student twice.

Once in April, or on April 23rd, inside a schoolroom closet. Dear diary. Like, you hit an age. Like, I'm overed sex in weird places. Cars. Fucking leg cramps central, dude. Like, I need to, let's just do this in a car. comfortable spot. So they're in a schoolroom closet and then again on May 2nd inside a car.

But the new warrants reveal she allegedly had sex with a different student on May 3rd and also sent inappropriate pictures and videos to several other victims. I don't understand why a teacher and she's 25 so she knows what kids are doing on their phones and social media and stuff. Why would you? I can trust you right. Yeah, exactly. It's immediately going to get sent to their friends. Like, even my own kids. I don't trust them. Like, I love you to death.

I don't trust you for a fucking second. Investigators say inappropriate messages were sent from Nichols' phone to several other students, including a video of a teacher having sex with a student while wearing a sweater that says, Jesus loves you. Who, footage of these sexual encounters started to circulate among several students. There it is. Dude. Best.

That day in high school. the teacher that everyone thought was hot. We know. Please say some of the same students allegedly tried to use it as an opportunity to blackmail her for a better grade with the threat that they would leak videos of the teacher's only fan account.

It's unclear whether... Share leak videos or leak videos. It's unclear. It's unclear whether any students will face charges of blackmail. Wonder what her perineum looks like. Nichols faces one count of tam. With evidence, two counts of child molestation, four counts of improper sexual contact by an employee.

The rule book. No wonder it's so thick. I think he should say discharged with don't. Hey, don't. And four counts of grooming a minor. Yeah. And I did try to find the only fans account I can't. I know you guys were wondering.

Yeah! I didn't actually. It's just called Mrs. Nichols. It's called Miss Nichols. Fucking prison post. fucking flaky Gooch Mrs. Flaky Gooch?

Oh man It is It is very I mean The first one that we'll ever remember Was what's her name From Seattle Mary

That ended up marrying him Yeah Fulau It was like 13 years old And they had kids together They went to prison She came out And then still

Stayed together Yeah True love And then she died of cancer a few years ago. But it is yeah, it is more common than you'd think.

It just happened here, like in this area. Oh, yeah. Yeah, where was that? It was, uh, fuck. I don't want to say there, what, Newport, Washington? Did you hear about that one? Straight up north. That wasn't, that wasn't schoolteach.

She was a school teacher, but she was fucking her kids. She had adopted kids that she was having sex with. Oh. How about it? I mean, it's not blood, I guess. Well, but legally, it's a problem.

It's not blood, but legally it's a problem? Is that a T-shirt? That's some Woody Allen shit. I don't know, but my dad always said. Yeah, it's not blood, but legally it's a problem. Thanks, Dad. Pass the spaghetti. Anyway, that's just just, it's all over the place.

But it's something. I think if we paid our teachers more, this would still keep happening. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The, maybe the, the, the only fans thing maybe wouldn't happen, but the teachers are still going to bang the students. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, dude.

Because people still want to get banged. Still, yep, yeah. That's really what it comes to. Everything is just that. It's about fucking. It's everything, everything, everything you do, the motivation is for that. You want to get a higher paying job to buy nicer things to attract people so you can have sex. You want to do these things.

You want to join. in a band so you can get notoriety so the fans will want to bang you you know it's like it's always just the i see what you're saying it's never been my mission personally i just want to fuck the fans yeah it was more of like this is really fun but not about fucking fans no but what i'm saying is the motivation is always the ultimate goal is to find someone have sex with i think you're right that's why we build skyscrapers so we're like look what i did touch my wiener. Yeah.

Because it's part of our DNA that we need to do it. Yeah. I think that's the basis of it right there. Animals do the same thing. I don't think it matters what you're doing. Regardless, there's just certain personalities that eventually you're going to, you're like, oh my God, you have this shape? What?

I have this shape. What if we put our shapes together? I guess that's the basic level. But you can have hobbies and do cool stuff. not have it always be sexually motivated. We're not doing this podcast to have sex with people. You know what I mean? It's because we enjoy

doing it. I guess. All right. Off to Petty Beef. Zah! Silence in the court! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef.

Petty Beef. This is Petty Beef. That's definitely not AI. That was AI four years ago. Yeah, that was... The rulings are final. That was before AI got really good. Yeah, right now, you have no idea.

Beak, that's a real person. This week's Petty Beef sent in by our son who wishes to remain anonymous. Anonymous. They write, What's up, Big Dick Joe? Keeps forgetting his glasses, Brian. And better red than dead uncle Zach. Maybe leave my name out of this one, just in case. See how that person said it right out of the gate?

Yeah, yeah. Keep doing that, people, if you don't want me to say it. Me and my wife have a mutual friend that we have known for about 15 plus years. I think the reason he didn't want his name in there was because it was English. Yeah? My wife and I. Oh, God. Unbelievable.

He used to throw up. He throws up. I had come home from work one day, and she hands me her phone and asks me to read this diatribe from said friend. Diaphream. Flaky diaphragm. As I'm reading, I'm just responding to his woe is me nonsense as it came in this multi-paragraph of text, as I thought one would do. So you're reading it and you're commenting on it, right? You're like this fucking guy.

Jesus. I get through this monster of a text again, just responding as I go and hand her her phone back after that. And she just dead staring at me. After a few seconds, she says, all I wanted you to do was read it, not give me commentary. A little meaner than that, but that's whatever. I just wanted you to read it, not give me commentary. It's probably something closer to that. I sit there and a deadpan stared back at her like, what the fuck?

We've known this turd for almost 20 years. And I responded as I would if he was sitting here telling me it. So I basically say, well, God damn, if you didn't want my input, then what was the point of me reading it? Just to sit with it? Like, you know, what was I saying? Ruminating. Ruminating. That's how that's spelled?

I don't know if it's spelled like that. But there's no red dots underneath it. So maybe... This is spell correct. Did you not want to talk about it? Because if not, then why the fuck? Did you want me to read it? Maybe I was an asshole.

I don't know. But why share a novel and just assume I would hand it back and shut up about it? Is this the type of situation where I just don't talk? You tell me, because I'm going to loss a loss on that right and wrong on this one. Okay. Love you. Bye. I love that because...

I love that. This is the setup. And also asked to remain anonymous. So things are going well. Imagine, now imagine the other way. So he reads it and he goes, huh, and gives it back. And then she'd be like, don't you have anything to say? Anything to say about it.

There's no way to win. Because I'm more on that in. I'll read the whole thing and be like, I don't know. I always be like, I don't know. I'd hand the phone back. And then it's like, you don't talk to me. I'm like, well, if I said how I felt about that, I think you'd, I think you'd rather I say nothing. Yeah, I think there's, I mean, I have like personal.

Like, there's like, just things that boil up about that where you just don't know which way to answer it. And it's usually the wrong way. And then when you say it the wrong way, it's like, you should. And I was like, God damn. See, I was going to do it the other way. And then I thought, well, I can't do it this way. But the last time I did it that way. And then you change it and then it's the wrong that way.

But it does remind me of just a quick little tidbit of something that I have tried to pick up and better implement in my life is when those situations arise. You just say like what version do you want? It's like you've run in the red lights. Right. It's like, hey. Do you want the truth? Do you want friend Joe? Do you want friend Joe?

Or do you want, like, Dad Joe? Because which one do you want? And in this situation, I guess maybe that would solve it. Because you just, you don't know. And you're like, do you want me to respond to this? What a childest fucking thing to have to say as a grown person. How may I respond? And then, well, you're like, do you want me to?

I am so scared of you. How do you want me to respond? And then if you ask that question, it's like, what? You don't think I can handle? No, I don't. Mm-hmm. And like, oh. I go, fuck.

And you go, fuck. I think the thing you... I tried to clarify and still fucked it up. I think the best thing you do is you just go, ooh, that's crazy. That's crazy, dude. And then let her respond to that. And if she says like, yeah, right?

Like, what was he thinking? Then you could be like, yeah, what was he thinking? I didn't ask for you... I didn't ask for your fucking commentary. Yeah, I just give... Why just show it to me? Just give something like... Oh, man.

I think obviously that's like a tale as old as time where it's like, I don't want you to fix my problems. You know, it's a whole thing where. So then this time you're like, I don't want to fix the problems. Yeah. But then it's like, well, then why'd you tell me? Yeah. Because it seems like in my life, if I were to bring something up like this, this, this, like, how do I? And then I tell you my input and you're like, I guess I'm venting.

And you're like, okay. So when are you venting and when are you asking? Mm-hmm. So it's two sides. because you could say, how do you want me to respond to this? And she could say, I don't want your input. I just want you to read this. But that's never going to happen.

That's not going to happen. I don't want your feedback. I'm just venting. Okay. Then I'm just pretending to listen. Zach, do you have any input or are you staying silent on this one? I think that's pretty normal is that women want to vent and they don't want you to go and solve the problem necessarily unless they ask for it.

And that's just one of those things in a relationship. You have to figure out. It's like, you want me to sit here and listen. And that's what I'm doing. And if I start inputting, then it's the opposite of what you want. I guess the tough part is knowing when to get, I mean, that's what this Petty Beeves is about. When do I get input and when do I don't? It's nice to have a better communication set up where you kind of know, so you don't have to guess.

It's nice when they just tell you. Like, I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to hear that. K. Oof, that is nice. My wife is kind of like that. She's like, just listen. Yeah, just listen.

Don't solve it. Don't solve it. Anyway, I know how to solve it. What's funny about that, though, is if you start that, that way, you're like, I don't, so I don't want any input. I just want you to read this. And then she gave his phone. That's kind of also setting a precedent like, whoa. Mm-hmm.

Will you just control my time? She just wants you to share in what she just experienced. But there's nothing to say about it. And it's like, okay. but I'm a fixer. I'm going to try and share my feelings. I think the difference when a guy sit around and talk and women sit around and talk is the women will sit around and kind of vent to each other and be like, yeah. And then they'll give, they usually have their own thing that they talk about also.

And they kind of go back and forth where guys, you just don't really do that. And then if you're like, dude, what do you fucking do and just suck it up and do it? And it's like, oh, yeah, it's good idea. I mean, example was right before we started recording today. Like, hey, anything else about that? And I literally just said, I was like, I don't want to talk about it. And you were like, all right. Like, that is, that's communication.

Like, oh, no, there's plenty. But I don't want to fucking talk about it right now. And you went, okay. Talk about later. Yeah. Fuck, dude. Let's get married. I love you.

Say it back. Love you, too. Oh, fuck. All right. Oh, shit. Love you, too. for the golden geese Stephen Greera

Daniela Todd Sottenhurst Matthew Leonard The Sofer King Jordan Fourth of July holiday Dale Spence

Neil Taffney Jason Jason Klazer Thank you guys so much for being part of the Golden Goose tier Yeah That top tier

Yeah. Yeah. Get your name mentioned in every episode right now. All the slots are full. But if something opens up, you can pop over there on patreon.com slash can you do podcast. Yeah. You can. Yeah.

If you want to. If you want to. Hey, do that, yon't do you. Some good news? Yeah, won't they do it? Zah. Zah. Zah.

Zah. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah. Okay. So we have covered. It wasn't this extreme, but we have covered a story like this and we both loved it. And I think it also was part of her air, we're not doomed.

This is the next level of that story that we covered months and months ago now. So Mexican Batman, which is a spinoff that I would watch for sure. A Mexican Batman Vigilante wanted for chasing down suspect thieves and taping them to lamp posts. Fuck. You have to be. you have to be scary in order to pull off be like, listen, you don't want none of this.

You don't want to catch these fizz. I'm taping you to a lamp pose. So, at least five men were found taped and unable to move from lamp post over 10 days in the area of Lagos del Marino and Jalisco, Western Mexico.

Halisco. Oh, Halisco. Many of them were reportedly sporting moustaches, cat whiskers, and had Raterio? What's that? Ratero. What's that?

Thief. Oh, I got it. Thank you. You helped. Oh, Spanish word for thief. You didn't help. You read. I'm proud of you.

I can read. Scrupled on their faces by the anonymous crime hunter. Some of them also appeared to have been beaten up with bloody faces and visible cuts. Didn't kill them. Still keeping with the Batman theme, right? The Unknown Vigilante was nicknamed the Batman. man of Lagos de Marino by Mexican journalist Luis

Cardanis. Why do we have to give credit to the fucking nickname giver? After local media reported, they had become frustrated with the slow pace of local law enforcement and decided to take matters into their own hands. The first case was reported in the city of Lagos de Marino on June 13th,

but four other similar instances have since been discovered. Look at this. Just taped. Fuck, Nick, that is Just fuck. Just imagine doing the sound just like

taped and gaped. I am Batman. You're soy Batman. You soy Batman. Pictures show men tied the lamp post using silver duct tape, some with pink, wearing signs over their heads, describing what they had alleged to be had done. The bikes, they are accused of stealing, were also left nearby in a bit to illustrate the alleged crimes. The men were eventually cut free and released by local emergency. services. Local police confirmed they are now in search of a suspect after Juan Pablo Hernandez,

the state security secretary, said police had recorded five such instances. I mean, they are kids. I was just going to say, they say men, but they look like children. Fuck. Niños. I hate. But thieves? I mean, bike thieves? Get the fuck out of here. Stealing my mongoose. They got to learn early. Yep. Prosecutors said they're investigating alleged thefts. by the men, but that at this moment they are victims because they had been unlawfully assaulted and restrained. I mean, they are stealing shit, though.

At what point, if law enforcement's not doing anything about it, at what point do you step in? Yeah, that's a tell me. I think it's great. Like, just doing something, you see it? He didn't, I mean, I guess in order to tie him up, he had to beat the shit out of him a little bit. That's one thing. But if you're stealing shit, if you're stealing shit,

you should get punched in the face. Again, like, it's stealing a stealing. You know, they'll argument, would you steal bread if you're feeding your family, that kind of thing,

is one thing. But if you're stealing people's motorcycles, you're stealing, like, you're going in, like, stealing people's properties and things that they, that's different

because it's not, that's not survival at that point. You're not stealing bread to feed your family. You're stealing someone's car or... Motor transportation. Transportation.

That's different. So they do need to be taught a lesson. They need to be taped up. I think more people need to be taped up and publicly shamed. Idaho, we're starting to shoot people again over here. Yeah. They got firing squad's back. Yeah.

Firing squad's back. I've read all about it in a sick radio voice. Yeah. If you child molest it, they'll just shoot you. Mm-hmm. I don't see a problem with it. No, that's just, that's a very Idaho thing to do. There's a, I feel like there's a,

it's a tough conversation. It's not always black and white. There are nuances. Like, killing people is, that's a big decision to make, to kill someone. For committing a crime. I'm going to kill you. But I also think that in some areas, it's, we're getting a little too lenient. So not, I'm not saying like, I love this idea, but I also think that,

we need to come back towards the middle again and not let people just do whatever they want and with no repercussions. Yeah. I think the more humane way would be to set up a big cannon and put the person in them and then fire them into the sun. Yeah. And then, you know, no firing squad really necessary. I thought you were going to say. And then there will only have to be a couple put in the cannon. No one else will want to go do that.

I mean, I think the firing squad will work or the cannon. I know. I mean, let's, if we're going to talk about it, let's have a debate. If you molest the child, the evidence is undeniable, you are caught, you get killed. It's probably going to deter some people. Eventually. Like, after a couple years of this, they'll be like, well, I don't get to hang out and keep on experiencing life. They will pull you out days later, undeniable, set it up and fucking shoot you.

I think, though, that sometimes is the easy way out. Like, for a child molest or something like that, if you go to prison. Well, they just kill you in prison. Well, but what I'm going to We have to pay for it. That's the whole thing about I know. That's why it's like why our tax dollars going to keep him this person alive. But there are some people who would, I think they would prefer, okay,

we don't want them to die of firing squad. I don't want them to go to prison but we give the family an opportunity to not to duct tape them to a pole. To take out their frustrations on that person because they need to feel the equivalent amount. If they just get killed, it's like, yeah, but what if you were brutally raping or molesting someone for a long period of time with psychological and physical pain and torture.

Idaho should have brought back like medieval torture. Yeah. Give them the bloody gone. Like where you, you, yeah, and you like. You stretch them out on a board. Or stick the things in their fingernails and do shit where it's like you're experiencing torture. I feel like that's the only, truly the only equivalent of someone. Yeah.

that's let's say the victim has years of trauma yeah it's just killing someone's not enough no but it's money smart financially smart i get it yeah uh we'll see we'll see how that all goes but yeah i think the canon is fiscally responsible i thought you were going to say that they would save them all up and then shoot them at the like the yearly state fair oh man see now we're having to debate That's better than a firing squad. You can save up all the molesters and then go to the state fair and shoot them out of a cannon into a wall and see who goes the farthest. I mean, they're not going to hit the sun, but they're going to get to the stratosphere maybe. That's going to suck, too.

I mean, I think you just like shoot them over the zipper. What if you drop them off of the stratosphere in Vegas? Okay, we've got good ideas here all around. I don't have to pay for transportation. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. Zach, maybe you, maybe either one of you has input on this. But we were just talking.

about this with somebody and they said that crazy enough France the last time they used the guillotine was like the 70s or something. You think it's one of those things like it's been you see sketches of it because it didn't exist. Uh-huh. It's so old that it's like medieval times but it was like no I happened in the 70s. Like no Johnny Carson was on TV. Never since the French Revolution they thought it was pretty neat. They're like we should keep doing this. That scares the shit out of these

it is a cool trick. I didn't realize that it was that recent though. It was like that's crazy reason. I didn't know that either. Okay, something found on the internet. I feel a death penalty or a lap time coming up. Oh. I don't know. I'm just throwing it out there. Best ways, the most efficient ways to kill people? Yeah, or the worst ways

that they used to do it or something. Didn't we talk about that? I think we've done a little bit. I'll look in my notes. Quartering? I think we'd talk about blood eagling. Oh yeah. We did do that. Maybe. Okay. Internet things. Zach. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes, that's awesome. I'm not, I don't know. Just something I found on the internet. So Hyundai and Kia want to bathe your car's interior in UV light with you inside.

You know why? Interesting. Vitamin D. That's it. You might have left ultraviolet light or ultraviolet light sent to, uh, fuck! You might have left ultraviolet light sanitizers behind with other bad memories of the coronavirus pandemic, but not Hyundai and Kia. The two automakers have developed hardware that can sanitize the entire car's interior with people inside. So Hyundai cares about us, and the other cars are trying to charge us to use our rear mirror by a subscription or some shit.

Yep. So good stuff. The concept is called plasma care. Fuck. Plasma Care Plus. There's always going to be a plus. There's always something. And in a press release, Hyundai and Kia claim it's the first of its kind.

It uses far ultraviolet C light in the 200, 230 nanometer wavelength range, newer. your mouth. There's children around. That specific wavelength provides enough energy to kill bacteria and viruses, but not enough to penetrate beyond the protective outer keratin layer of human skin. The automaker claims making it safe for use and occupied vehicles. That's crazy. I know.

But I read this or saw this and thought, why are we starting with cars? Let's grow a pot in there. Just go to a bathroom. Like go to places. like my sink like things that are toilet things that are notoriously dirty and you want to kill all of the bacteria

well probably because I mean maybe you could just wash your hands in the bathroom but a car is like you can't wash your interior of a car or like you and you go to a restaurant you're going out and you're in public and you're like you're heading home maybe you want to get

sanitized before you bring all that to your house yeah Uber driver and you're like oof that guy that guy was a lot that guy has carrying something That guy flaky perineum. He just left his fucking perineum flakes all over the backseat. His taint flakes are all over.

Two stars. Two stars. Two stars bad rating. Just breathing in someone's perineum flakes in the air. He's putting on your tongue like one of those Listerine strips. Remember those? Oh yeah. I was thinking a gold member from Awesome Powers.

Oh, yes, when he's skin, I'm peeling. I could see a cereal box. someone make it, Peronium flakes. Kellogg's Tane Flakes? Yeah. And it's just... Not with raisins.

And like banana slices in there. Oh my God. Dehydrated taint flakes? By the time this comes out, someone's going to have shared it in the playground. They made it. Yeah, probably. Anyway, I thought it was a neat idea.

If you can sanitize stuff. I can see people being in there and taking the bacteria off your skin being a problem. But if you have kids and you've ever seen a kid in a car seat with some snacks. Dude, when you... Snot bubble, shit. When you take it out of the car and the shit that's like been pressed into the seats. And it's not going to make that go away, but at least you know it's not going to kill you.

And that's important. Time to hear from the kid. Zach, please play it. Hey, you go. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

Which one do you want, Brian? I don't know, they're both so fucking long. I'll take the first one. Okay. This one coming up from about Doc Kim. What? Did my first one come in from about Doc Kim. Okay.

She writes, hey Daddys, long time listener, follow Joe over from The Suck. Welcome Kim. First Time caller. I'm still working my way through the back catalog, and after hearing what Joe's hot air balloon adventure. It reminded me I've been meaning to tell you guys about our antics down here. Eastern Arizona. Oh, yes.

Beautiful Safford, Arizona, to be exact. Haven't heard of it? How close to Sedona is it? I don't know. The name's pretty cool. Safford and Sedona. Can you smell the patchouly from where you live? You watch your mouth.

Sorry. Sorry. No one else is either, L.O.L. L.L. Small town living at its finest. Yep, absolutely. Anywho, every January our town hosts a balloon extravaganza And gives the community an opportunity to see about 20 hotter balloons up close and personal

That's funny With early morning releases and nighttime glows Capped off with a final night where people can walk around the balloons and talk to the ballooners Get a flying card from them similar to a collectible baseball card Short tethered rise or even offered Ooh, that's what I can get down with a short tethered ride Every year it's a huge spectacle And every year something goes wrong

One year the ballooners couldn't take off Because of severe hailstorm that damaged many of the balloons Yeah Another year they hosted a huge balloon shaped like a beagle And couldn't keep the thing inflated It sagged sadly and kept falling under the crowd and on the nearby balloons kept them from glowing. Get your beagle off my balloon!

Get your paws, your beagle paws off my balloon. Yet another year, rainstorms canceled nearly every morning launch and night glow. Extravaganza! Lastly, a few years ago, here's where my bestie and I come in. Several balloons were blown off course. Is that... What? I was getting sexual.

That's where my bestie and I come in. We were blowing several ballooners. Giving a blowjob to a ballooner for a free tethered hot air balloon ride. I don't have the money for it. He's like, well, there's something else you could do. That's pretty awesome, though. With a toothpick. Dude, if you just offered a free ride and you're up in the sky and got a blowy and a

and a stomach full of cum, I would gladly be a ballooner like a pilot and not get paid a dime. Yeah, you suck my dick, I'll take you up on a tethered balloon. Fuck. That's a pickup line you've never heard in a bar. Hey, baby, you look good. You fucking suck my dick. I'll take you on a tethered balloon ride. What?

What did you just fucking say? You dather balloons around here often? I tethered my balloon right outside. I don't know which way. It's like the old west, their horse is right outside on the, on the fucking post, and you have a balloon hanging from the post. deflated Beagle fucking

lipping its way down Main Street yeah that's mine that's my that's my deflated balloon yeah the ass won't fill up

okay back to you that Beagle's got an ass on it it's got an ass on it can't fill it up several balloons were blown off course during a morning lunch meanwhile my friend that I were coming out of the gym and see this huge balloon

landing in a field right by my truck. We ran over and found out they'd blown off course. Help! And we helped them pack up their balloon. Eventually, the ground crew arrived and helped them finish. You're nowhere near. We were supposed to be? No.

We never are! The ground crew had to drive like an hour. They're like, fuck! They didn't make it? God, dude. We don't have enough gas. They definitely are badass. to see up close, but I have

absolutely no desire to try and ride one. Okay. God, there's so many fucking innuendos and wordplay in here. Thanks for all the last guys. Picks are some flying cards and of a night glow. And lastly, my best in I are helping

with the balloon, your loyal listener, Kim. So here are the cards. Cards, cards, cards. God. I never would have thought. I never would have thought there'd be... Collect your card? collector hot air balloon cards.

There should be things like that for everything. Look at the design. I know they need like the magic, the gathering power points on them though. Yeah. Like my check it out balloon beats your fucking time flies. Your limp beagle. Your limp beagle balloon.

Your saggy ass beagle butt. It has the stats on the top. They're all zero. Saggy beagle. The TCG. I think there you go, Zach. The saggy beagle scat card. We got a beagle eye scat card somewhere. Fuck.

Saggy Beagle would be... Yeah, would be such a funny bar name. Dude, I was just going to say that. The fucking saggy beagle? Oh my God. Suffered Walrus? Yeah, you're going to just drink away your sorrows at the saggy beagle. Next candy down card set will do a saggy beagle card.

The saggy beagle. Her second email is a follow-up from butt-plug thumb, Steve. Yeah. It is handler Brock. Who writes, What's up, dudes, and my favorite commie uncle, Zach? Hello. Hell yeah, brother.

It's Brock and Steve. Checking back in. I had to write in after hearing that Steve and I made it onto last week's episode. And yes, Brian, I can still text with my super thumb. I just might need chat GBT to proof free to everything because I've given a whole new meaning to fat fingering a text message. I figured out to answer a few questions you guys had. First off, sadly, no. Steve has not made it into sexy time.

saying my wife is grossed out by him would be an understatement if I even accidentally touch her with Steve she acts like I just rubbed the dead fish on her so I'll keep working on that maybe one day she'll open her heart to him just got to get her drunk enough as for me I wasn't exactly thrilled

when I woke up and met Steve for the first time I repeatedly told the doctors they should just cut the thing up but they wouldn't listen instead they promised that with enough time it would eventually look like a normal film Jesus. Well, here we are. Almost two years later, two more surgeries and even a little liposuction, and I'm still

waiting for that normal thumb, they promised. Apparently, it should finally be down to regular size around Thanksgiving this year. I'll believe it when I see it. Liars! There's no way. There's no fucking way. We just saw that thing. Until then, I had no choice but to embrace Steve and make the best of our relationship.

I think Steve maybe needs a card for the next can you down. There you go. Do you have a card big enough? I'll make a Titan card. It's just a jumbo fucking card? No, it's a four-piece thing that you just have to collect all four. It's a poster. And get the flesh butt plug.

At first, I had to wear a custom-made glove because Steve was simply too powerful for standard sizing. Too powerful. Thankfully, we've made progress. And now I can wear regular gloves as long as they've got a little stretch of them. Or a fingerless. Thumbless. And while my wife can't stand Steve. My two little boys absolutely love him.

They squeeze him, squish him, and play with him like he's the hottest new fidget toy on the market. Thanks again for sharing Steve's story on the podcast. It absolutely made my day. My coworkers were getting concerned because I was sitting there laughing to myself while listening to you guys talk about my mutant thumb. If you have any more questions, feel free to email me or call me. I could give you hours of material for my adventures with Steve. From the guy who offered me weed in the ER waiting room to the army of leeches. that attached to my thumb.

I thought that. Yeah, that's crazy. These stories alone are worth an episode. Keep up the amazing work. You guys rock. Love Brock. And your newest

Super Thumb, Steve. P.S., I showed my wife, my 15 minutes of fame, and she nearly drowned in the tub laughing. She ended up taking the audio from the episode and turning it into a little

video clip with some of our favorite Steve moments. Oh, yeah. I've attached it for your viewing pleasure. We're not going to watch all of it. You married a good one. But here you go. Quick backstory. Two years ago, I cut my thumb off in a rodeo accident.

As one does. The doctors weren't able to fully reattach the original thumb, but they somehow managed to save the bone and tendons and build me a brand new super thumb. God, new merchant I'm dropping soon. Super thumb. We lovingly named Steve. Steve. Super thumb. Because Steve deserves the spotlight.

He deserves so many. Now, Steve doesn't exactly look like a normal thumb. In fact, multiple people have told me it looks more like a butt plug than a thumb. Butt plug thumb. Which is probably not what the surges we're going for, but here we are. Imagine looking like a kind of looks like a butt plant. What are we going to redo this? Roll them out!

Because of this, one of my favorite hobbies is aggressively giving a thumbs up in every single picture possible. Family photos? Thumbs up. Kids' birthday parties? Thumbs up. Church, you better believe Steve's still making an appearance. This drives my wife absolutely insane. According to her, it's ugly. And does not, she don't, don't be, don't go home.

He's going to get a complex. According to her, it's ugly and does not need to be in every picture. Wrong. But my argument is simple. We pay tens of thousands of dollars for a custom-built thumb. Why would we not show it off every chance we get? Sound logic. But after hearing the fingerprint discussion, I finally realized something amazing.

My fingerprint is gone. Steve literally cannot be stolen from photos. For the first time my life, my weird little mutant thumb has become the safest thumb on earth. Something finally went my wife. Yeah. The safest. I hope you guys enjoy seeing the pictures of Steve as much as I enjoy forcing them in every photo ever taken. If you can please get one more sexy honk from Daddy Brian.

Peace out, Daddy's, your weird-shaped thumb-brack. Here's what they made him. He's a hitchhiking machine. Never not picked up. Get your thumb out of the road. That would be like you wake up and you unravel it. You're ready for the big reveal? And then you're like, okay, wait, does this come?

off to reveal the real thing. Like it's a fake coating. It looks nice. Looks nice. How you doing? Viscuit. It was like hair growing on it. Never been better.

It's just going to hear it gave it one butt plug up. Anyway, that was the original one. Amazing. That's so good. Oh, man. I don't know if you, maybe he did do this, but like there should be an Instagram profile for that thumb. Of just Steve and it's, dude.

Put the little ugly eyes on it? The Adventures of Steve? an adventures of Steve Instagram I would almost be like you wouldn't want it to heal because all the you could

it's just a live Yeah I don't even know what I'm trying to say It could be an income stream for fuck's sake Yeah it's what I'm Yeah It can pay for future surgeries Future trading card

People would follow that fucking thumb Into battle Fucking I would Dude, absolutely. Robert the breath. And this could be a launch. The pod could be the launching. The launching, yeah, launching point of Steve the thumb.

Oh, my God. That's our episode. You have something you want to see on the show. Send it into, hey, guys, at can you don't podcast.com. Just a few away from reaching our next goal part of the honkathon. Can you don't podcast or Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Brian's going to be gone for a while. These episodes are recorded in advance, but eventually once we hit that forfeity,

we will get brook and Steve's surgery and eat fish. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. Go check out what Uncle Zach is doing. Yeah. And shout out for producing today's show. My pleasure. Check out what he's doing at scatcast.com. That's scat.

Shoes. With a K. Yeah. It's shoe time. Yeah. And, well, who fucking knows what time it is by the time this episode comes out. It'll be shoes are done in July. Oh, yeah.

So we missed it. Yeah. Thanks to the baby centers that moderate the Can You Know Playground on Facebook. I have a joke Zach, play it! Good God, wrap it up already, huh? Brian,

what does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it, we're closed. That's great. Yeah! Get it? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I like the other way, like we're closed. Beat it. Beat it. Yeah. Okay, I'll rewrite it. Want me to try again? Yeah. What does a sign on an out-of-business brothel say? We're closed.

Beat it. Love it. Yeah. All right. Off to the bonus. If you subscribe on Patreon, you get the bonus championship of show and stuff. We'll see y'all in there. Yeah.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye.