Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Birds. Belly Button. Honeycomb. Biscuit Boot.

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

Have you ever been proper bird watching? Are you currently a bird watcher? Did you know that it's officially called birding? Did you also know you can piss the entire birding community off by accidentally capturing a rare bird when you were actually just trying to photograph a waterfall in Oregon? Let's talk about that, sexually biting your lip at the end of every conversation, tucking your kid's into bed while wearing a bee keeper suit, finding a lost song while watching an old-school porn video, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/fr6UWNhCST4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Birds, belly button, honeycomb, biscuit boot. How we feeling, Brian? Brian! Episode 99. Whoa. Just, I was trying to pick up. Did you pick up smoking? I was trying to pick up like a big fresh air, like a, oh, I'm ready to go, but then it. Accidentally smoked a cigarette?

And the air's not as clear in here as I thought. It was kind of, it got thick real fast. There's tree jizz outside everywhere. Oh, that's what it is. Tree jizz? Yeah. Tree semen spooching on our faces. That pollen just fucking getting in there.

Yeah. Fucking taking a nice freshie. And you're sucking tree dick. God. While you're fucking a birdhouse. You know how it is. I'd fuck a birdhouse. Who wouldn't?

Episode 99. Feels like the energy's good. Happy about it it 99 was a good year it was yeah was i fucking doing pogs or carrying a yo-yo and a weather holster i just started driving that year 1999 that was the year we thought computers were going to turn into cotton shins that was good stuff i do remember that i was able to go to a sleepover but i'd have to have uh my my parents made me have to have a plan on how to get home if everything fucking collapsed. Oh my gosh. Good times.

Good thing I was like five blocks away. I'd be like, I'll just see you in a bit. Y'all just walk. I'll be right home. I'll be right home and I can't wait to eat refried beans and ramen. Fucking weirdos. If you want to sign up for Patreon, please do. That's how you get the bonus content, exclusive

content, exclusive merch. Plus we'll talk to you and how you get the bonus content exclusive content exclusive merch plus we'll talk to you and answer questions in that bonus content from the gaggle and you'll find a link in the episode description uh any content that you want to see on the show send it in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com just a reminder that i'm going on a fucking hot air balloon ride and then also publicity stunt we'll see we'll see and it's not a surprise that uh of course i i fucked up counting the weeks because of the recording schedule this whole time i was like episode 100 will come out and then i'm going on a hot air balloon it's like no episode 100 will be recorded but it's not coming out to the the week after i'm already

up in the air or i'm already dead so uh my math skills prevail once again i hope you don't die me too yeah our son joshua asks do we know if joe is allowed to fly with a switchblade in this situation about the hot air balloon i think it's mandatory if you got ropes and shit come on yeah he said best call ahead and find out because we know he's going to be on him no matter what. I mean, they probably don't have metal detector. That would be a weird situation. A weird TSA, hot air balloon situation. The only thing they check for at the hot air balloon TSA is if you have a parachute.

And they're like, nope. You can't have a parachute? This is a no safety precaution ride. This is a live or die ride. Like, you either land safely or you die. You live by the hot air balloon, you die by the hot air balloon. That's right. There's no loopholes. Was that Socrates? Socrates? Yeah. Like soccer?

Yeah. Confucius, I think. I'm very confused. Nice. You're on your pun game today. Excited to see where this goes. No, I haven't been carrying my Switchblade. I guess kinda, I didn't buy a my Switchblade. I guess kind of. I didn't buy a new one.

I lost mine. What? I told you. Remember, I left it. I think I left it at the hotel. Oh, so it's gone. I haven't been able to find it. So some cleaner got my Switchblade. And has been.

Killing people and my fingerprints are all over the place. You better hope they're the best serial killer of all time. Yeah. Well, eventually, every serial killer, they want to get caught, right? So they can just get it over with. Yeah, they're like. And tell their story and be on Netflix. Yeah.

I mean, that's where it's going. All right. On episode 99, guess what we're doing today, Bri? We got a big old sloppy, thick ass, sweaty dick hog. Big sweaty. Just going to gape it. Like the one in your pants? Can we not? Try not to focus on his crotch. We're going to gape it. Like the one in your pants? Can we not?

Try not to focus on his crotch. It's trying to get out. Guys, that was a conversation between us. Yeah, and it's still stuck in my brain. It winked at us, Joe. Oh, no. His giant. Have you guys seen Spaceballs?

You know, Darth Helmet? Going over my helmet? That's what Joe's. It looks like. His dick looks like Rick Moranis in a helmet. You guys ready to start the show? It's like, what's Joe's dick look like? Picture Rick Moranis with a giant helmet. Picture Macho Man Randy Savage selling a Slim Jim. Oh, yeah. Cream rises to the top, yeah. picture uh macho man Randy Savage selling a Slim Jim oh yeah

cream rises to the top yeah alright let's get the show rolling let's do a Slim Jim or slip into a start the show you wanna do it again

well I was hoping that you were gonna roll it right as I was doing that oh well do it again then Zach I mean Zach he can't know we don't have cue cards

snap into a Slim Jim! Oh yeah! Hey, shut up! Start the show already! I don't know when that cut off, but we'll just have to see when it comes out. Yeah, no problem. This is a wild one. Okay. This week, okay? And it's a Would You Rather.

Would you rather have to sexually bite your lip at the end of every conversation, regardless of the scenario? As a matter of what's going on. So you're like. Yeah, you have to just like. I mean, kind of a little moan. Because I feel like girls get away with like the sexy bite.

Guys do it. It looks like. Should I call someone? Are you having a stroke? It's the side bite, right? Yeah, just like that. They're like, ah. Mm-hmm.

So maybe a little moan behind it. You have to really sell this thing, regardless of what's going on. Okay. Or you have to say the, you! Now, whammy, ooh! From Crank That by Soulja Boy, every time you say the word you. Do you have to do this, too? Now, whammy, ooh!

And do the movement? I don't know. It wasn't written in there? It might just be word you. Do you have to do this too? Now, why me? Ooh. And do the movement. I don't know. I, it wasn't written in there. It might just be the, you, it might just be the, you.

And if you don't know what we're talking about, or maybe you've forgotten, I'm gonna go ahead and bring it up for you. That's it. Oh, that is that in your soundboard? No, but it's,

you need to add that. So every time, no matter what it is, which is funny to think about. Okay. Like in a heated argument. Joe, fuck you. Exactly. It's like, do you not?

Oh, yeah. Do you not understand how you make me feel every time you. Baby, I'm sorry. You know, I love you. It'd be the life of the party yeah but having to always do that but at the same time how do you get like you just said you know i you know i wouldn't do that to you you know i love you just just bite it without that mixed signals babe oh you're at a restaurant i'll have the uh chicken club and fries and you have a fry sauce yeah we have a fry sauce or i'll take one of those thank you oh yeah yeah bite your lip or or thank you hey do you have fry sauce or or am i or am i on my own here and then uh being a waiter like and what will you have it's just so intense it's a lot but thinking about a little call back to a couple

episodes ago like that end of having sex and like when you're asking the question where do you want it oh yeah and that's what you gotta do yeah like where do you want it yeah i feel like you have to do like a little you gotta do the crank that soldier boy just a little just a little pot like where do you want it but that's forever i think i'm i mean right out the gate see that works that's fine it does but it's kind of weird yeah Yeah, it is. An argument or a talk, a professional environment, you're at work, whatever it may be, or just a friendly conversation on the street. A speech. How's the weather?

How's, you know, crazy weather we're having today, huh? Like, yeah. Yeah. And you just go. Just bite. They're like, fuck me. This is. I'm just picturing like no having worked in news i'm

picturing like uh uh an anchor like uh yeah so the um the school protests have been going on down at the the college we're gonna send it over to uh jack johnson to to fill us in what's going on what's going on down there jack just biting your lip what's going on down there, Jack? Just biting your lip. What's going on down there? You got to get banana pancakes? Yeah. Jack's like, okay, that's weird. That's weird. What are you doing that for? Now back to you!

Now back to you! Oh, God. That would be fun. It'd be a dumb, I mean, I'd hate that world, but it'd be something. Think how many times you see it, I was just saying, think how many times you say you, because you don't even, I mean, I'd hate that world, but it'd be something. Think how many times you say it. I know. Think how many times you say you. Because you don't even, I'm saying it so many times. Mm-hmm.

And it doesn't even have to be like I'm talking to you. You just, like the word you is used as like a universal everybody. Mm-hmm. Like a. What are you doing? Yeah, that's a question. But then like you say, like I just. Mm-hmm. Like right there. I know. I then like, you say, like I just, like right there. I'm just going to say, you say this and you say that.

It's a ton. Like it's just nonstop all the time. You've got to do that. You're going to crank things. You're probably going to get carpal tunnel. How many times did you just say you right there? I'm not counting anymore. I just said it twice in that little spin.

Nice. That's obnoxious. Maybe just change the way you just said twice right there yeah i get it i don't think you do both you do i don't think you do but the creepiness in both of these tucking tucking your kids into bed. Oh. Like, imagine, they're like, I love you. I'm so proud of you today.

Like, you did amazing at the baseball game. You're only getting better. Thanks, Dad. You're like, I love you, son. Love you, too. See you in the morning.

I'll be in to wake you up in the morning. As I always do to get ready for school. You want some Eggo waffles? Yeah. Good night. But singing like a nursery rhyme just just all quiet you're like you are my sunshine well my only dude i already do that kind of shit make me happy when skies are gray

you never know dear how much i love you won't won't you'll take my sunshine away i love you what's funny is i every night that i read a book to the kids they want me to do some voice and right now so they they really like family guy we watched the family guy at star wars and so they've been watching family guy so now i'm reading a book i'm like all right and twinkle twinkle little star giggity you know and they're like and quack my i'm doing all the voice and they're just laughing the whole time so that's basically every night is uh is that it's just a show i'm putting on i'm on stage putting on a show at the end you're just sweating jazz and your kids are like good night good night you walk out just bend over in the hallway like fuck bedtime is exhausting it is it's like fuck i need some

more material the next night they're like can mom read us a story, please? Can mom read us a story so she doesn't bite her whip and moan at me? You know, so, like, I just picture it's, being a parent, it's really extra funny because I picture, like, and then getting the kids up in the morning and, like, getting them in the bath and, like, conditioning their hair or whatever.

I'll be like, all right, you know, you know, like, give them the body wash. I'll be like, all right, wash your bodies. Make sure you wash everywhere. Wash your wieners. Wash your butts. All that kind of stuff wash everywhere. Wash your wieners. Wash your butts. All that kind of stuff, okay? Wash your wiener good.

To your six-year-old child. Make sure you wash your wiener. Get it real good. And right behind the ears. Him, your kid's talking to a therapist in 20 years. Being like, I don't remember much. Just like, and they have to uncover why they're so fucked up. Yeah.

And he just hits them one day. They're like, I don't know. But every time my dad said anything to me, he moaned and bit his lip. Yeah. And the therapist is like, I'm sorry. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. Whoa, what?

Hold on. And she's like, she picks up the, she has like 911, like already typed in. Will you say that one more time? Cause you're never seeing your dad again dial that's creepy as fuck it's not about the kid you just gloss over like he used to you know he used to tell me to wash my privates then he would bite his lip and then he would get me out for whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa go back no no don't worry he also bit his lip whenever he'd say, have a good day at school. Right. If you yell at me because I was in trouble.

He'd be like, you're in timeout and go. So I don't know what's going on, but I don't think it's sexual. I think it's him. It's him for sure. It's like a Tourette's thing, but it's for. Jail. Ter sex. Stupid.

You're so close. Oh, yeah. I'll give it. They can't all be gold. I'm picking I'm picking lip bite over the fucking soldier boy.

You like I can't do. What if you're just around? So like there's no way I go to school.

I coach a baseball team and shit like that. Like making the kids laugh and baseball. But if I had like, all right. It's another form of Tourette's. Come on out. Come on out. Bend down or like squat down so we can throw you some pitches.

Throw you some pitches. Throw you some pitches. Throw you some pitches. Or like get your catcher gear on. Squat down so we can throw you some pitches. No, squat all the way down. Yeah. Yeah. A little we can throw you some pitches. No, squat all the way down. Yeah. A little more.

Stretch those hamstrings. Fuck. Oh my God. In front of just an audience of parents? Yeah, you wouldn't be coaching. You'd have to watch from the trees. You'd have to be... You'd have binoculars.

You're just on the binoculars with your broncos biting your lip 500 feet away from that's even creepier yeah but it's just you it's just some some guy watching from with binoculars biting his lip from across the park and some guy another guy with binoculars watching you bite your lip with binoculars and he moans when you do it just a fucking fetish train yeah a train of just pedophilia oh my god i never thought i'd see i people said i was crazy they don't understand how hot it is to watch a grown man 500 feet away from the playground with binoculars biting his lip it's like a human centipede of lip binoculars but not okay well i'm picking that uh are you picking? Zach, what do you think? Bite lip, probably

The you We say you way too much I think I will pick the you And I will just have to adapt I'll have to change the way that I speak You to like, yay Yeah, it's like Because I'm around

Say y'all I'm just around children so much That it would be so awkward Oh man, if you just change you to y'all. Yeah. I'm just around children so much that it would be so awkward. Oh, man. If you just change you to y'all, you're set. Life carries on, baby. I already say y'all anyway. Like, how y'all doing?

It's just something I always said. But you is such a, it's like and or to or if. It's just in sentences. Okay. So you'd have to make a huge you. When it's as simple as changing you to y'all, I think I have a chance. That might have changed my mind. All right, I'm back.

I'm back over. I'm going with the you, and I'm just changing the way I talk. Zach, you still biting your lip? Yeah, why not? Nice. I'll be different. All right, let's move off to what are you thinking about? I got a-

What are you thinking about? Zach! to... What are you thinking about? Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit.

What are you thinking about? I feel like this is going to become a staple of the show. The you? Yeah. We'll see. And the lip bite. Like, there's just, there's something about it that's just like... Turns me on

yeah you want yeah turns you so i have two stories to share there's not i mean they're not they're not crazy it's just just things that i was thinking about uh from two different instances instances but they both involve like a restaurant scenario. First one, I have never seen this happen. I have never thought about doing this. Of course, we've had people write in, and I guess if I worked in the service industry, when somebody sends food back, right? And it was like a full plate,

and you just totally tell they didn't fucking touch anything, and it just sits there, and you're like, and I kind of pick some food off of it, right? But this particular situation, Cassie and I were out with some friends and we're at a bar restaurant thing and we all sat down and we all got some food and having food and drinks and hanging out and it was a big table.

It was a very long one. It probably seats 12 to 15 people so it's a it's a decent sized table because there's a lot of people there like a king table where the king queen are at the end and there's can you pass the salt and you slide it the slave boy goes and gets it and takes it over yeah or you feel like you push it it's like you're like here you go and it goes halfway and you have to get up and grab it and bring it the rest of the way it was a decent sized table and that and grab it and bring it the rest of the way. It was a decent sized table. And that's important for the story.

So the side of the table that I was on, we finished our food. And we stood up and started talking to another table where everybody else was, right? But there were still people sitting down eating at the other side of this table. Now, as I'm standing there, out of my peripheral, I see like an arm reach in. And I don't know what I expected, but I was just kind of talking and saw an arm and turned and looked. And there was just a lady that we don't know grabbing french fries off

of one of our plates. And she just picked them up and ate them and then walked back to the bar. What are you going to do about it, bitch? It was just so bizarre i saw it cassie saw it and cassie just goes did she just grab french fries off her plate and i was like yeah and then she just went back to talking in her group of friends and i was like that's fucking

weird we laughed about it went back to talking and then it happened again she just reached over i saw a little hand slide in and they just grab some more French fries. And this time a little quicker on it. I know what to expect. So as soon as I see that blur slide in, in my, in my right peripheral, I snap around and look at her. And clearly like she's, she looks like she's pretty hammered. Just her form. And she looked like one of those, like those birds that are bouncing over to

like they fill up and they go back you know i'm talking about like the birds that have the glass bottom and the liquid in it yeah and they lie yeah and they line up and then they go like this and they dip their head into the water and then pop back up whatever that is and that's what she looked like she just like bent in and over the whole table and got her french fries and then popped back up and wobbled her way back to the bar and i was like no way is she just gonna do this till all the fries are gone on the on the plate so now i'm kind of looking at her and before she comes up for a third fucking time she's standing at the bar with her hands back on the bar how far would you say the bar is from

where you're at like is she walking 10 feet she's walking a decent amount yeah she probably had to walk i would say five feet to get to the table and then we were on the other side so it was just kind of like i don't know we were 10 feet away from the bar and then she was probably the table was like the the halfway between bar and us okay so she's not just like lean there, like reaching in. Oh, within reaching distance. She's distance away. No, she's at least three, three and a half steps away. She doesn't belong in your area, basically.

She has nothing to do with our group of friends or our French fries. And so now I'm watching her a little bit more. And she's standing there and she's looking at these French fries like it is the hottest Tinder date. She's by your lip. She's like. She's ever been on. She's just, she's looking at these French fries like it is the hottest Tinder date she's ever been on. She's looking at them. She's kind of like glossing over everyone that's at the table.

And she's looking at them. And I was like, she's going again. She's doing it. And sure as shit, she did. She walked right over there and bobbed down there. Whose fries were they? It wasn't mine. It wasn't cassie's it was another friend's uh like it was like a like a fish and chips was that person still at the table

she was standing up like next to us but she was like a little further in front of us talking to our friends that are at another table so she didn't notice the woman doing it nope and we never brought like we didn't bring it up and make a whole thing of it but she did that and i think we took off and went to karaoke. Do you think she walked over and grabbed the whole plate? Oh, I guarantee. The second we left, she probably just shoved that whole plate down her pants. So she didn't say, like, are you guys going to finish those?

She just walked up and grabbed them. But even that, that makes a little more sense, right? Like, you guys going to finish this? Even that, you're like, no. Okay, thank you like just lay off me i'm starving just ordered they make them they make all the food if you just order some french fries have you ever been really hammered though or you're just like i'm gonna eat these other person's food i just want to get that fry i don't know i've never done

it so i guess i've never been that drunk to a point where i'm just to eat this other person's food. I just want to get that fry. I don't know. I've never done it. So I guess I've never been that drunk. To a point where I'm just going to eat fucking french fries off strangers' plates. She might have been budgeting, and that was a smart financial move. It could have been. You're right. Yeah, you don't know her, Joe. I don't know her.

You don't know her situation. I've never had that situation happen. I have never done it. So I couldn't relate to it. Why buy the pack of smokes when you can just bump smokes? When you get the milk free you know what i mean yeah that's that's interesting um i that sound to me at first glance or first hearing that what it sounds like yeah what it sounds like but obviously what it wasn't what it sounds like is a group of friends standing over there like i dare you i dare you to go eat fries off that plate and i could see someone doing that and like we'll see if they

notice and it's kind of then you go back and they're all like oh they did it and you laugh about it but what it sounds like she's talking some friends walks over eats comes back joins the conversation and no one. No one batted an eye. Like it wasn't weird. No, it's just, that was just part of the culture. It's just what you do. And it just, it threw me for a little bit, like enough to, I think about it.

Well, yeah, that's, I mean. Yeah. I would, I'd be willing to give someone my food if they asked for it. Yeah, but can I have, can I have the rest of this? Like, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm hungry. I haven't eaten. It's like, yeah, fuck, of course.

Even then, a little weird, but fine. Go for it. But still. Go for it. But just walking over and like, kind of being a little sneaky about it. Yeah. That was the thing. Like, oh, you think they noticed me?

Yeah. We noticed you. Like, Mission Impossible. Like, she does a somersault and pops up and sneaks her arm through the chair through the little the wicker bars of the of the back chair and just like give me the thing kind of like you you can't touch the edge or it she has one of those operation yeah those distance grabbers that she pulls it out of her skirt and just fucking grabs one fry. That would be funny. See, that's funny.

Yeah. Fine line between comedy and fucking weird, isn't it? Right. And she went straight for the weird. And that was one restaurant story. Here's the other one. It was part of the, and I told you this is not even scraping the surface of the stories I have about about austin but tying it into restaurants austin's they want to keep it weird right oh boom nice dude you get it today all right but we were down there and it was i think the first full day

because as i shared we got down there uh very early in the morning on that one day and broke into somebody's house and robbed them and almost got shot. That was the first day. I don't think it was. It could have been. We could have went to bed and woke up and did this. Anyway, we have this giant party of 20 or so that are trying to go out for lunch.

And there's a great spot. I forget the name of it right now. Uh, Mexican restaurant. And we're all kind of, you know, that many people, everyone's on a little bit different schedule and we're trying to figure it

out, but we get there and the first group of people have, they've got seated. They're right there. They're, they, they knew we were coming and they're waiting and they're, they're just waiting to order their food.

Cause you know, we were on our way over, uh our way over uh which i mean this is a little side quest but my uncle john bless his heart just got fucking lost like he's old he's older but he was driving by himself and then once we left like we this is what it was we went on a hike and then we're like okay we're all going to this restaurant everyone type it in he's like i got it like no problem oh yeah and then in hindsight you're like how could how did no one get in the car with him because there's no way he's gonna be able to navigate this city and he sure as shit didn't so that's it's a terrible driving city by the way you know everything's under construction all the time. All the time. Every road is closed. So, I mean, he was lost for fucking 45 minutes to an hour. And he finally makes it, and that's great.

If you call him, he's like, I don't know where the fuck I am! You're like, Uncle John, wait, wait, was it, does he live there? Or was it like a rental car? No, a rental car. He's from Portland. Got it. But, you know, in Austin, he couldn't figure it out. He was losing his shit, and we're talking him off the

cliff as he's driving around and can't fucking figure out how to get here. Anyway. Why didn't he just go with somebody else? Well, he had his car, and it was sitting at the hiking place, so then he got in his car, and he wanted to drive it there, but somebody should have gotten in the car with him and helped him. That was what I'm saying. In hindsight, you're like, how do we not... Any

of us could have gotten in the car and showed him how to get there. Because we have maps, and he doesn't... He's just beyond his capacity any of us could have gotten in the car and showed him how to get there because we have maps and he doesn't he's just beyond his capacity he's got it on the dash but anyway so the whole fuck i mean the whole kind of a moot point because regardless of how long he was lost it didn't matter because half our family got seated and they're waiting for us they're waiting to order they told us it would just be a little bit longer. They're like 15, 20 minutes. We'll get you guys a table, blah, blah, blah. And we were standing there and I swear to God, like that turned into something like to, to, to 30 to 45 minutes to an hour, to an hour, 15 plus. And eventually our family that was sitting down was like, we're just going to, like, we just got to eat.

Like, we can't fucking wait here forever. So they order, and they're eating their food, and then it kind of just started dawning on us that the restaurant didn't know that we were together. So we were standing there waiting for a table, and the table we were waiting for was our family that was sitting at the table that they wanted to put us at because the second they were wrapping up they came back and said it

shouldn't be too much longer 10 more minutes we're just clearing out this table and we're like that's who we've been waiting to sit with this entire fucking time knowing family should be out of here at any moment god they're loud and they're terrible i know they're gonna tip us like shit no but we stood around we could have gotten seated at any other table that was in the thing but we were waiting to be seated in the area by them and we were just waiting for our own family to get out of it so that we could go and sit that's hilarious yeah i've never been in that situation i didn't even know you could be in that situation you have to have a big group yeah it was 20 you know 20 people so 10 or so got to sit and then apparently they just that was the only table

that they were going to clear out there was other tables they could have you know put together but they didn't you know leave at the the correct time for them to do it so who didn't the obviously the people that got there early didn't say that we have more people coming i well they did but i mean it doesn't matter like they they just like well we can see like here's the template okay well and they waited to order for half hour 45 minutes and like well we just gotta like we have to eat like no we get it and we everyone would kind of swing through and grab chips and hang out and talk and then go back and wait and hang out and wait and call Uncle John. Fucking! These fucking streets!

John, it's fine. It's going to be fine. How did he end up with a car by himself? Because he drove to the hiking place by himself. Why? Because he wasn't with everybody. He was staying in an Airbnb. Everyone was staying in like different little pockets. It was staying in an Airbnb. Everyone was staying in different little pockets.

It was the fucking eclipse! There wasn't a mansion for the Paisleys to all go to! Brian? Does this uncle not have any... It's a new city and he's old. I don't know what to tell you.

Usually one person... And he fucked up going to the hiking place. Of course he did. Yeah, he went to the wrong trailhead. So then he had to circle back around. It sounds like a family that knows that he's going to fuck up, but does nothing to fix it. When he has his own car, he's not staying with everyone. What are you supposed to do?

You know he's going to call you in a panic, so why doesn't someone just go with him? Yeah, hindsight is 20-20, Brian. Well, no, it's not hindsight. If you know he's going to do it. You don't know he's going to get lost. Come on. Everybody, you know.

He said he lives in Portland. The aunt, you know that she's going to bring the shitty dessert to the. He's made it this far. To the potluck. It's like, okay, no one. We've known for 20 years. No one likes that, but she still makes it. I mean, he's made it to 70.

You've got this uncle that blah, blah, blah. We know that this guy is not going to know where the fuck he's going. We've known him for that long. And you know how fucking uncles are? He was just like, you know. How much would he like to sit down and like chat with a nephew or a niece? He would have loved that

time in the car. And that would have been great. If he would have been at the restaurant 45 minutes earlier, he could have talked to all of us. But he got lost everybody else made it including his older brother my other uncle my dad wasn't there because he's dead but my dad could have made it which is why you were down there right i mean basically yeah because my dad loved yeah that type of stuff so that was kind kind of the pinnacle was to go down there and celebrate my dad. He's with us. But dead dads aside, I just had never been at a restaurant where everyone is just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.

And the people you're waiting for is the people that are sitting in the chairs that you need. So I just thought I would share that. I think it's funny. I'm just trying to picture why someone wouldn't get in the car with your fucking uncle no i'm brian just let it go i'm past that what i where i'm at right now is like how did no one no one speak up about this is like this is our family can we just like like, like, how did that, how did it, how did it miss everybody? Because it was assumed like we were waiting to get seated. I don't know.

And we didn't all show up at once and we didn't all talk to each other. They were just there. And we said that we're like, I think it was talked about, like we're with them, but the staff doesn't all talk to each other. I know, but it's weird.

Like if, if the, if the, the staff was like, Oh, we're just waiting for, um, did, did they say which table? No, it wouldn't. I know, but it's weird. If the staff was like, oh, we're just waiting for did they say which table? No. I mean,

we've been to a restaurant, we're like, we're waiting for them. Have you ever seen that? That's what I was picturing. They walk over and they point to their head. We're waiting for them to leave. Like you said, they're waiting for the table to clear up. Oh, you guys are hungry? Well, you're gonna have to keep waiting until this family leaves.

Right here. They're slow as fuck. They haven't even ordered yet. They haven't even ordered yet. Because they're waiting for other people to show up. They've had 16 beers, and I think they want dessert. You'd think the table would be like, yeah, we're waiting to order because our family's coming. Oh, what does your family look like?

Oh, there's a guy named Joe. There's an uncle that they're, you know. There's an uncle that we've given up on. Yeah. And then you go back over there to the people like, oh, we'll be another 20 minutes. And they're like, okay, there's a guy named Joe. There's an uncle that they're, you know. There's an uncle that we've given up on. Yeah. And then you go back over there to the people like, oh, we'll be another 20 minutes. And they're like, okay, it's fine. We're waiting for an uncle. You can't find him.

Oh, really? That sounds familiar. Are you with family or friends with them? Oh, you are? Okay. I think restaurant size, big size, lots of hostesses, lots of people. Restaurant holds fucking 200 people. It sounds like there was an eclipse of like, there was some sort of a fucking eclipse going on there where you couldn't see through the, you know what I mean?

And there was a wall. Like it wasn't, you know, they were in the other room. I just picture there's always some aunt or somebody that's like, oh my God, this is taking forever. And then they go talk to the manager that always, I'm just surprised that didn't happen. And maybe that's what it was, but it just seemed like it all clicked at once. Like my brother and I was like, oh my God, are we fucking, that's the table, huh? And like, sure as shit.

Yeah. Just never had that happen. Figured I'd share. Um, yeah, not pretty. Yeah. Not an interesting, crazy, funny story, but there you go. Well, no, but everyone can relate to waiting for a table, but that's funny that you wait you're waiting for your own family you're like get the fuck out of your way they said these people were going to leave in a while these fucking slow pieces of show hey aunt may yeah exactly and

they just luckily they decided to eat and we all figured it out your table's almost done so you did you pass them did they all talk to them and. We would walk back there and steal chips and hang out. While we waited, it was an hour and 15, hour and 20 minutes. I'm just standing there waiting for them to fucking leave. And they just went shopping and bought cowboy hats. All right, you ready to do some dick? Yeah. Gape it?

Yeah. Okay. Hey, Zach, will you gape us? Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick.

Speaking of cowboy hat. Yeah. Speaking of it. Don't you dare. Right here. Our little dill pickle. Our little dill pickle's wearing a cowboy hat on.

Yeah, cowboy hat fell off my little figurines. Cowboy pickle? Put it right on the old pickle. Glue that to the tip of your dick. Yee-haw! Tiny little cowboy hat. Do you want the tip of your dick. Yeah! Tiny little cowboy hat. All right, do you want to take the first story?

Yeah! Let's see. Let me pull this up. Yeah, you do. My computer timed out. Oh, great. All right. Where are we?

Here we go. Monsters in my room. Okay. All right. By Dr. Seuss. Ziffy Zephyr Zephyr was in my closet. We just read that last night. Do you like my hat?

I do not like your hat. I do not like your hat in the closet. I do not like it at a restaurant. A little girl said monsters were in her bedroom. Here's the kicker. It was a monster. Guess what it was? What?

60,000 bees. That seems worse. That's so many just eat me 60 000 so many bees so many buzzies when you think about like the population of bees 60 000 is a lot but it was in her closet that That was such a high sentence, like some stoner sentence. Yeah. Dude, it's like, see how many bees are alive. When you think about the population of bees. Like, how many are there? How many are there even? Like, it's crazy.

How many die every single day? And how many are just, like, buzzing? And you're like, I can't even count them. Why do you buzz, dude? Like, why do you buzz so much Here you can kill it Pass over the roach clip Alright

When three year old Sailor class That's her name Sailor class Love it Began In the navy Yeah I was like

That sounds like someone who Is destined Yep For ship stuff When three year old Sailor class began Complaining of monsters In her bedroom Navy. Yeah, I was like, that sounds like someone who is destined for ship stuff. When three-year-old Sailor Class began complaining of monsters in her bedroom, her parents thought it was just a figment of the child's overactive

imagination. Which, that's a classic story. The monster in the closet. That's the whole thing. I get it. There's nothing really in there. Yeah. Go to bed. I'm tired. I want to touch your mom's boob. Go to sleep. Daddy's got to fuck a birdhouse.

Yeah, go to sleep. Don't mind the monsters. Hope you sleep tight. Sorry. It's all right. All right. But then a beekeeper discovered tens of thousands of honeybees above the girl's bedroom. I love how they just jumped.

Like, there was no lead up to that. No. Like, oh, no, it's just, there's nothing in there. This is the end of the article. And then a beekeeper wanders in. He's like, yeah, there's a bunch. They didn't mention that, like, they had a tenant. Like, someone who, like, they rented out a room in the house.

Specializes in bees. And he was a fucking beekeeper. He's like no that's bees for sure what does it sound like ah like like is that high pitch or like a rumble like i'm sorry to bother you with this more of a buzz my my daughter you know sailor she keeps saying there's monsters in her walls and stuff and he's fucking yeah like you stand there eating fucking an ego with honey on it and he's like he's like no i'll check it out because then he's like yeah like he's standing there eating fucking an ego with honey on it and he's like he's like no i'll check it out because then he's like that's fucking bees

that's bees for sure dude oh yeah yeah i raised bees i raised how do you how you for sure i fucking raised bees i'm a beekeeper i put them there how do you know there are bees in there oh i put them in there because fucking this honey is so good. I didn't want to leave them in the living room, so I put them in the closet. Anyway, homemade honey. Check this out. It's like a little spigot behind the dresser. It's like, check this shit out, dude.

Anyway, I want to talk about my rent. I feel like the amount of honey I'm producing should have a little kickback. A little honey kickback. Okay. Sailor complained of monsters in the wall. Sick name for a movie. Of her, yeah. Of her, the room at her farmhouse in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Her mother, Ashley Massis-Class. What? What is happening? And her husband, I wonder what his name is, thought nothing of it. They had, after all, just shown their daughter a Pixar movie, Monsters, Inc. Fuck, timing. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

She's just, yeah. She has that overactive imagination. Daddy's got her overactive imagination, or Mommy's overactive imagination, or Daddy's overactive bladder. Yeah! You got there. Yeah, she's got that overactive bladder imagination. And daddy's

fucking love for honey. That's right. We even gave her a bottle of water and said it was monster spray so that you could spray away any of the monsters at night said Mrs. Massey Class, a home designer Okay

Weird way to go But over the following months Holy shit Sailor became more They didn't look in her closet for months Well it's in the fucking walls It's in the closet Alright baby

I got your school outfit Picked out And she looks out on the bed It's just covered in bees Today's school picture That I got your fancy dress out And it's just Just

It's a bee It's a beekeeper outfit She's wearing them for fucking Fifth grade photos Honey can you remove your helmet? Oh, honey. It's her nickname. But over the following months,

Sailor became more insistent that there was something in her closet. I'm telling you. Okay, honey, here's a water bottle. I told you you could spray them away. Good night. It began to make more sense when Mrs. Massey class noticed bees swarming clusters near the attic and chimney outside their 100-year-old house.

They thought Sailor might be hearing the buzzing near the... Oh, that makes sense. Near the bedroom ceiling. It sure does. Oh, that's just... They're just outside, honey. It's an old house, buddy. Everyone knows old houses make weird noises

creaking noises sometimes they sound like 60 000 bees here's a water bottle here's a water bottle spray just spray your thoughts away sometimes houses they leak honey you know it's just for i mean i can't do that i can't remember a house i've been in that doesn't leak honey miss massy class called a pest control company company that found that found the winged ends. Why do, okay. Why do people write articles? Do that.

Just say found the bees. It's like winged insects. Like they typed it into like a thesaurus. We need a, we need a synonym. Yeah. What's what's another word for bees. I just said bees so much.

I'm gonna go with winged insects. Yeah, we know. Everyone knows what a fucking bee is. Got it. Winged insects. There were honeybees, a protected species in the US. Okay. She and her husband contacted a beekeeper.

Luckily, he was right down the hall. Yeah, they contacted him. Hey! Hey! Hey! Jim, you're a beekeeper, aren't you? Come take a look at this. Come take a look at this. You gotta see this.

Put your suit on. She and her husband contacted the beekeeper, who noticed the insects were traveling towards the floorboards of the attic, right above her daughter's bedroom. The bees had spent eight months building the monster hive. Eight fucking months? The beekeeper brought a thermal camera to scan the walls of the three-year-old's bedroom. It lit up

like Christmas, Mass's class said. Jesus Christ. The beekeeper said he had never seen a hive go that far into a wall you never believe this is the first shocking i mean i've seen it go to here but it's crazy it is crazy that's going from here all the way to here that's like another eight inches never seen that and all my years in beekeeping

i've never seen you i've never seen i've never seen one go this low and i've never seen such terrible parents do you talk to your children at all anyway i mentioned the honey spigot behind the dresser pull the book oh that makes sense i thought it was the magic honey well honeypot honeypot there you go the beekeeperkeeper whom Massus Class's daughter. Why do they keep writing their names? Seriously. Massus Class's daughter began calling the monster hunter. Opened the wall to reveal a large honeycomb.

They just came pouring out like a horror movie, Miss Massus Class said. The beekeeper has removed between 55,000... How do you know? You counting them? 55,000 and 65,000 bees. Stop moving! Fuck! I lost track.

20! 11,92! Shut up! Try 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20.

20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. 20. bees. There's a square footage of bees. Times 8 general.

What's that in football fields? Give or take 10,000 bees. That's basically what they said. 100 pounds of honeycomb. There have been three extractions by reverse vacuum the insects out of the wall to put them into boxes. The insects are being relocated

to a honeybee sanctuary. Miss Mass's class had to screen off the room had to screen off the room between extractions to prevent the bees from buzzing around her home. The honeybees and their honey damaged the house's

electric wiring, Miss Mass's class said. She said her home insurance won't ever cover anything pest related because they deem it preventable. Cool. Sick, dude. That sounds like an insurance company to me. Yeah. You know what I mean?

That's really what this whole thing's about. It's how insurance companies suck. We cover monsters. We don't cover fucking 65. If there was a monster in your closet, we would have covered it. How many bees were there? 65. That's a lot.

At least 70,000. And we would have covered everything. But there's only 55 to 65,000. You think you can come up with another 5,000 bees? 5,000 bees? You guys want to go back and count it one more time? No, we'll just repair the wall. It needs to be 70 000 bees yeah the thought of

like every everyone who's been a parent uh or you spend a lot of time around kids like yeah shit gets wild they get some wild imaginations and you're just so quick to be like yeah no nope that's not not happening like oh my god i thought i heard the roof on fire there's a dinosaur on the garage you're like there's's a dinosaur on the garage you're like there's not a dinosaur on the garage and there never has been good night at the same time though there could be how many there could be uh you you see the horror movies or like the ghost movies where the kids like talking to someone and the parents never believe yeah and then they get uh they have to get an exorcism and all that kind of shit because

they're but if the parents would have just i know you know you grow up and as you get older you get founded and certain norms and society standards you're like that that's not happening there's no way but a lot of i mean i would go with 99 of the time kids are wrong and they're dumb yeah i mean but and then sometimes you're right and it's like good for you fucking cried wolf every once in a while there's 65 000 bees at the end of the day there was the monster in the closet there's 65 000 bees in the wall so you weren't wrong yeah you weren't wrong but you sort of were wrong yeah you're wrong it's bees not a monster idiot so if they would have watched b movie i picture uh like all these parents are terrible right honey it's fine honey they're like tucking their daughter into bed but the parents are wearing like beekeeper suits fucking bees are fucking everywhere she goes i just the daughter's like, I just feel like it's just, it's so loud.

Honey, it's fine. Monsters aren't real. Daddy loves you. And you pat him and rub her back with your beekeeper gloves on. It's fine. Just don't scare him. Don't do anything to scare him. No sudden movements. No sudden movements.

And I'll see you in the morning when they're all sleeping. And like you, like you walk out and like out and unzip your hood and take it off. Like, fuck. Let's grab a beer. You're going in there next time. You got the next one. You know the beekeeper suit doesn't fit me? Yeah, well, I'm fucking sick of it.

It said one size fits all. Yeah, well, it doesn't fit me. Okay, I'll just keep it on. So what'd you get for buying a beekeeper suit on Amazon? Watching Netflix with your wife wearing beekeeper outfits. Like, shh just keep it on. So what'd you get for buying a beekeeper suit on Amazon? Watching Netflix with your wife wearing beekeeper outfits? Like, shh. Yeah, exactly. All right, let's move off to our next dick.

Okay. Gobble this thing down. In the thought of this, I mean, we've worked in video and audio and take plenty of pictures and all that kind of stuff. But goddamn, is this funny to me. video and audio and take plenty of pictures and all that kind of stuff. But goddamn, is this funny to me. So, a photographer accidentally snaps rare bird in Oregon. First of all, headline says

it's mind-blowing. Oh, yeah. Which, I mean, I love birds as much as the next guy. Yeah, but, I'm sorry. It's a beautiful bird, but Mind-blowing? I mean, is that the blue-bellied pussy... Pussy titter? Pussy titter.

Because I don't think it is. So, I mean, if you captured a blue-bellied pussy titter... I mean, now we're talking. That's something to write home about. But that? So, Michael Sanchez was setting up his new camera to capture a waterfall... I know Michael Sanchez was setting up his new camera to capture a waterfall. I know Michael Sanchez. Who doesn't?

Waterfall at Oregon's Hug Point at sunrise when he spotted a little bird hopping around. He snapped a few photos and didn't think much of it. Yeah, because there's not much to think about it. It just looks like a blue bird. A week later, those snapshots have made him a star and the envy of the local birding community.

Okay. Those snapshots have made him a star and the envy of the local birding community Sanchez who's from Vancouver Washington may have inadvertently captured the first images of an extremely rare blue rock Thrush in North America This is fucking You get that you get that pic? Oh, I got it. Dude, you fucking... How much? Fucking 10 bucks

to send you all the fucking blue rock thrush photos you can handle, buddy. Imagine if you're like, hey, can you hand me that camera and the bird flies off? You bitch! The species,

which is native to East Asia, has only once before been spotted in this region. And that was back in 1997. Damn. But that sighting was rejected by the American Birding Association. Nah. You're high!

Do you know the odds of the blue-bellied pussy titter being in this region? From Baja. see titter being in this region from baja last i was in baja and i saw the blue-bellied titty fucker ass twice and made me hold my breath they said they said you ever see one of those and they said well don't hold your breath but i like to hold my breath for entertainment so i did it anyway for six minutes so the american birding association was like you liar prove it you know how far away asia is you fucking nerd there's no way the blue-bellied fucking thrush thrush titty cock rocket with Edward. Some guy runs in and he's like,

I just saw the blue-bellied titty fucker. The blue-bellied titty fucker? Yeah, and the bird associate people are like, That's a good one! That's a good one. You probably saw Robin. Everybody knows we haven't seen one of those since

97. The last person't seen one of those since 97. The last person to see one of those was, what the fuck's Jesse Ventura? If Sanchez's images are verified by local and national birding groups, he could be credited as the first person to successfully record a blue rock thrush in the region. I was very, very surprised to see just how stirred up these got folks. He said, it's mind-blowing. Sanchez, a middle school band director and musician who very recently took up photography as a hobby,

has never considered himself Much of a birder I just pictured this guy I've been taking pictures of birds for 50 years No blue belt No fucking middle school band director Has been around I've been looking for one of these my whole fucking career

And no middle school band director Is going to take it from me. Oh, we need to silence this guy. But as he was reviewing his photos from the trip to the coast, it struck him that the cute bird he saw was unusual. He'd never seen anything like it before. So I thought, I've got to post it on the socials, right? Not long after, a friend of a friend, an avid birder, reached out. From its unique blue and chestnut

are they called a birder yeah like a balloonist a birder yeah you got it uh the bird like distinctively like a male blue rock thrush it turned out sanchez may have set a birding record so it goes on and on and on but just the idea the idea of getting attacked by a bird watching community. Trying to be silenced. Like, you just got here. You just. Dude. You're not even a member.

Dude. Before you step into the fucking birding arena. With your accidental blue titty fuck. Bill. Cunt. Tate sniffing. Tate sniffing. Blue billy fucking titty fucker, flap-dicker.

There's no way. You are not even on my radar. Yeah, you're not. But just him, this guy just fucking. He's heading out. He's like, God, it's nice to be away from those fucking trombones. God, that trombone section sucks. Jesus Christ. And he heads out. He's like, God, it's nice to be away from those fucking trombones. God, that trombone section sucks. Jesus Christ. And he heads out.

He's like, fuck, I can still hear him. Maybe I'm going to get some pictures of a waterfall. And he's framing up and putting a waterfall in focus. And then a fucking bird jumps around. He goes, oh, bird. He goes, click, click, click. And he goes back to the waterfall. And the whole birdie communities like

Stupid But if someone who is like a higher up in the birding community They'd like you did it you crazy son of a bitch you got a Z's son of a bitch you finally got it That's crazy, but some fucking dude with no credibility just rock their world i love that there's gatekeepers in birding that makes it awesome and it's funny to think like every single community and i've experienced that too like being a little like i'm not crazy nerdish or whatever but being like just into different things video like there's always this weird yeah like yeah of like this there's like this king nerd or community and then everyone else has to try and enter their realm you're like i don't know i think birds can fly and

i think it's pretty cool when they fly and you take a picture okay okay this guy that's it who's never been to the the bird fest whatever the fucking getaway convention they have. In Vegas. You've never flown away to Birdfest? In Baja. But anyway. Every year in Baja. Story? Tens of people show up to Birdfest. BYO Binoculars.

You don't have the budget. You don't have the budget to be supplying binoculars. BYOB. But that got me thinking. So I just did look up actual birds. Just names that are funny. I'm just going to go through some of them, then we'll fit our next dick in here. We'll squeeze it in.

This is the satanic nightjar. Oh, my God. I can't see your screen. You can't? No, just one out. That's all right. All right. Let me kick my... There we go. Got right. All right. Let me kick my...

There we go. Got it. All right. Bring it up. So this is... Oh, bring up this Macy's ad. So that's the... Is it working?

Yeah, there's the satanic... I'm not working. There's the satanic nightjar. That's badass. So that's a real thing. Here's boobies, obviously. I mean, who doesn't love a good boobie? This is Little Bustard.

What? Whose name are these things? Here's a Dick Chessel. Dick Sizzle? No, Dick Sizzle. What'd I say? Dick Chistle? I mean, it's definitely... The Tiny Sky Tyrant?

Nice. A little mouse-shaped tongue bird. That'd be a magpie in our neck of the woods. Oh, fuck, yeah. Go Away Bird? That's his fucking name. It's official name. This thing shows up, and it's like, what is it? What should we call this thing?

I don't know. Fucking Go Away Bird? Go Away Bird. That'll work. Pendulum Tits? It's like Pendulous Tits, but that was good. Oh, my God. Good form. I love it. Horn Screamer? Horn Screamer. He's like, what tits yes good oh my god form i love it horn screamer horn screamer

he's like what are you guys why'd you guys name me that fluffy back tip babbler oh fluffy back tip babbler sad fly catcher oh he's just trying his best You fucking assholes How many flies have you caught? I think you're so cool Just the sad fly catcher The smew

Oh, smew Smew Sombrae tit Why are there so many titty birds cuz it's fun Typical Swift Dismissive name who is that sick of their shit? Just like dude. I don't know it's a fucking one of your typical Swift We'll take a more the European Shag. Yeah, that's a good one the oh, yeah, what was that? Well a toilet? No, the rough face shag rough. Fish. It's a good one. Oh, yeah. What was that one? The toilet? No, the rough face shag. Rough face shag. That's a good one.

Common loon. Is that different from the rare loon? And then the red-rumped bush tyrant smew. Birders are awesome. Oh, man. Birders are awesome. Who names these things? I don't know. Is it the bird community?

Like the bird association? If you find it, you name it. I think that's kind of how it works in the scientific community. Oh, the sweaty taint titty fluffer fucker. Titty fluffered fucking taint smasher. Oh, man. Your common taint scratcher smutity typical all right your typical taint scratch and smutity

seen it next boring next oh imagine like imagine like a guy coming back from a bird sighting. His wife's like, do you see anything take sight today? He's all dirty. His goggles are fucking scratched. He's like, no, it was a rough outing. All I saw was your run-of-the-mill typical fucking taint-scratching titty schmoo. And she goes,

well, did you keep it up? Did you happen to see any fucking blue roughback? No, I haven't! But I saw the fucking middle school band guy did. Good for you! The tromboner. Mr. Tuba! Mr. Tuba finding the good ones.

Imagine that guy like showing up to the thing until he shows the bird association he's trying to get a membership or something and they're like all right well you want to be a part so let's see what you came up with it's like flipping through baseball cards i was picturing like a an overhead thing where it's like the click the old slide show yeah the old click slide show and here's the the butt fisting babble tooth schmoo liquor

babble tooth bladder smacker and then you're like ooooh and then here's his cousin the fucking

front the fuck face bladder sucker and this one's just the common taint sniffer uh titty fucker and the guy's like boring

seen it we've all got one boo he's like okay clicks his slide okay well the committee will talk we'll get back to you and let you know if that's gonna work for us alright let's get the lights on, please.

Get the lights on, please. We've seen enough of this common run-of-the-mill fucking fist-fusting fish clowner. My face hurts. Okay. All right, well I think that's enough dick. I think that's enough dick. Let's move on to some good news for this week. Does that sound good?

Yeah. Okay. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed yeah i was not aware that this group existed but i love that it does and their little quest just gave me a little bit of hope okay like a it's just like just the fact that this is happening the rest of us are sleeping The rest of us are looking at birds Tracking things down

Telling our kids it's not a monster, it's bees And these guys are out here doing Doing the lord's work So three year quest To identify a lost song Ends with 80's porn movie Oh my god Yeah, you betcha And did i make sure i looked it up to

watch the scene to confirm that they yes i did yes you did yes i did say did i come did you come that's a big question i didn't oh i didn't sorry no those eight i mean it was weird and boring in the 80s a lot of bushy vaginas you gotta they just hadn't found cool tricks yet no no they weren't they weren't experimenting enough they just they didn't they couldn't find a razor yet alone it looks gross because you got like ron jeremy just fucking fat and hairy was that 80s or 90s he was in the 80s was he 70s and 80s oh he's old as fuck and now is he in jail i think he just died didn't he or no he's alive he's in jail for rape yeah he's in jail? I think he just died, didn't he? Or, no, he's alive. He's in jail for rape. Yeah, he's in jail for rape.

Sounds like it. Like, tons of counts of rape. Yeah, tons of rape. He's like, just count it every time you're raped. That's the... One, two, three... You missed a few. You missed the four.

I got the 17 on that rape. But just, like, him just being some hairy, just mustache dude. And then the women are attractive but there's yeah big old bush it's like it's too much air yeah it's like watching gorilla's fuck or something you know which i mean who hasn't so a three-year hunt to identify a lost 80s song ended when one of the tens of thousands of people involved in the search found it an adult movie soundtrack reddit's the best place that's a good spot so the lost wave hobby involves trying to locate details of music created before the internet era in 2021 an extremely low quality 17 second clip was uploaded to the what's that song community by a user who said they couldn't remember where they got it from?

Guessing it was an early attempt to digitize music from an analog music or medium Which is also funny for him to post like I just can't I can't figure out where I heard this Was it on my dad's record player was it me jerking off was my dad's porn star I just I can't put my finger on it i remember i remember i remember a heavy beat it sounded like the drummer had a human skin drum that was wet if that helps an unshaved human skin drum and people just kept slapping it and they slapped it and it moaned and it said things like fuck yeah and where do you want it and they're like wow we just can't can't track it

down so many things god that could be anything uh the clip became known as everyone knows that and also alter or ulterior motives based on the lyrics people thought they could hear. Speculator, or speculator suggested the eighties sounding soft rock new wave piece was a lost demo by Roxette or Savage Garden among other ideas. That's a big difference. It is. Redditors South. Uh,

his name was South pole ball. One of nearly 50,000 members of the, everyone knows that subreddit discovered the name Christopher St. Booth attached to a list of vague credits from the 80s and discovered he'd been involved in writing music for adult movies. After spending an unreported amount of time watching such productions. How long did this take? Because I won't talk about it. Hours and hours. And fucking days and weeks

I've lost my wife My kids hate me I found it though But god damn I found it And then Reddit's like good job Well it's like you know like a detective That gets attached to a case And he just he alienates everybody in his life

Because he's so obsessed with the case Finding the case It's the same fucking thing just on a different just scale just more like reddity and pointless yeah but like without murder and stuff attached to it more porn more just like song and it's on reddit but pretty much the exception so you know the obsession is still there he says i went through each video until i found angels of Passion from 1986, they reported. I got to one hour and seven minutes and 31 seconds and found EKT.

The evidence is complete with the kind of sounds to be expected from an adult movie. Another user posted a family-friendly version, although it's still very poor quality. Loosen below. While many involved in the search have called for Booth and his co-writer brother Philip Adrian, wherever they are to release a full quality version. Don't waste my time! Alright, I'm gonna

Wait, hold on. Can you go back to that really quick? Pull that back up, Zach. All this work and it's something you can't brag to your parents about, one Redditor wrote. But so many parents said it sounded familiar. Well, once you hear it, yeah, it sounded familiar because it's just like every other shitty fucking song.

But it's just so funny. It's like, oh, we did it. We found it, but it's like, fuck, can't tell anybody. All right. I'm waiting for it to play. Oh, I can't turn it up any louder that's Zach can you guys I can't make it any louder

hold on like they cut out the sex noises I'm guessing that's why it's so quiet I should have just looked up the fucking sex version That's why I was adding it Do you want me to just look up the sex version Really quick And then I'll skip to

One minute seven seconds Or seven minutes and thirty one seconds Uh porn Do not show my screen Do not show my screen. Do not show over my shoulder. Don't show my pants. The answer. And don't show how hard I just came. Or I'm about to come.

Alright, let's see how loud this is. Probably going to have an ad. Nope. They got the ads out of there. One minute, seven and 31. Here we go. You guys ready? Yep. Okay, here we go. Still quiet. Nice. What's happening?

Sex. I mean, can you see it? Reverse doggy style. Reverse cowgirl, I think. Oh, what'd I say? Reverse doggy style? What the... What fucking position would that be?

It's cat style, I guess. Reverse cowgirl. Well, it's kind of like doggy style if you just... If you just lay down. Yeah. Vertical reverse doggy style? Yeah, those are boobs, bro. That's the blue-footed.

Is that a Coca-Cola? Is it? Yeah, they're proud of price. Sorry, I'm distracted. Anyway, so that's a dick and that's a pussy. And that's the song that they spent four years trying to track down. And my God, they fucking did it. You know what's the song that they spent four years trying to track down and my god, they fucking did it You know, what's funny about that is like what if you posted that and then you just I mean it's four years

You're like you forgot about it. And there's one guy still I just came to notice I just came to this check it out. It's like oh my god. I can't believe it's like it's blew my load Everyone forgot about it. But one guy's like guys I found it Found it guys. And I was like, wow Cool forgot about it but one guy's like guys i found it found it guys and everyone's like wow cool forgot about that all right let's take off to hey look what i found i guess that was neat stories the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes what do we what you what you got over there right guy we've been we got this sent in quite a bit

oh a fucking ton of us what i mean probably the one thing over the last week or two weeks that I feel like we got probably like 50, 60 emails about this one thing. So there's a chance people have seen it, but it still fits the theme of what we've been doing lately. It does. I think that's important. I'm not even going to, it's an AI country song. Okay. I'm not really going to introduce it, but it's asking AI to make a hit country song, Day 7. And we've done this a couple times, and it just keeps getting better, which I'm excited about AI for this.

All right. What the fuck's going on? Oh, oh, oh. Is your volume up? Here we go. Volume up. I got beer in my boots, dirt on my truck, corn on my mind, and a gun in my butt. Corn on my mind, a gun in my butt corn on my mind and a gun

on my butt at least there's beer and trucks and shirts beer and trucks dirt kicks up it's not loud enough dirty butts

big red cups dirty boots dirty beer dirty butts let's all cheer for the beer it, the trucks getting mud The guns are loud, the butts are proud Got a beer on my plate, a biscuit in my boot

A gun in my butt, and a truck gets two Beer in trucks, the kids suck Cops in butts, big red cuffs Dirty boots. Dirty beer. Dirty butts. Let's all cheer. Oh, yeah.

Dirty beer. Stinky boots. Pick up trucks and country food. God damn it, dude. Pissed it in my boot. Pissed it in my boot. in my boot one more time one more time roll again

strong melody Beer in trucks, dirt kicks up. Guns in box, big red cups. Strong melody. Dirty beer, dirty butts. Let's all cheer for the beer. Beer in trucks, the trucks get mud. The guns are loud, the butts are proud. Got a beer on my plate, whiskey in my boot. The gun in my butt, and the truck gets too. Beer in trucks, dirt kicks up. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. God damn, yeah. Oh, yeah. Stinky boots. Pick up trucks and country food. God damn, dude. Well done, AI. There's some good AI coming out these days. I've seen AI putting M&M spaghetti, but in kind of like a polka band. Yeah. And it fucking slaps.

It's so good. But keep setting setting those things in i will never get tired of it uh all right let's hear from some of the kids okay all right all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool hey get get the you sound effect ready oh shit really oh oh never mind i was gonna say all right guys we want to hear from you oh go ahead do it guys write in because we want to hear from you nice we love hearing from oh you nice oh okay You guys are the best. Yay. I love that. All right, sir. First email is coming in from our son Twiggy.

Oh, the old guitar player for Marilyn Manson way back in the day. Says, what's up, daddies? I was rolling up to a job site listening to Ladder Toes Free Chicken Nips today and lost my shit when he started talking about where to tell someone to blow their load when you ask. Last summer, my wife and I went camping and decided to have a quickie over the hood of the car on the side of a mountain fire road

in beautiful Hamahama, Washington. I said Washington. Let me try that again. Washington. Beautiful! Ham-a-ham-a-Washington! There we go.

So I was about to finish, and I asked her an angel question. Where do you want me to go? Her answer completely caught me off guard. Come on the car for me. I responded just like you did in the episode with a grunting, Yeah. Okay, I'm going to come on the episode with a grunting, yeah. Okay, I'm going to come in the car for you.

Oh, okay. I didn't realize you were going to. I thought she was going to be like, come in the car for me. I responded just like you did. You know, I thought, oh, come in the car for me. Really? Yeah. Just like you guys came on cars.

Yeah, just like you did normal. And it shouldn't feel weird. Just like you did nom. No, yeah. Come in the car for me. He's like did numb. No, yeah, come in the car for me. He's like, yeah, I'm going to come in the car for you. Right in the gas tank. Fucking dudes. I mean, what are you going to, like, what are your choices at that point?

You're just sensation overload. You're like, I'm going to fucking yeah anywhere. Right on the windshield. Oh my God, you want me to fucking come on that new chair over here in the kitchen? Can I FaceTime you? Because the dining room is so far away. Yeah, FaceTime me and come on the kitchen chair. Okay.

Whatever the noise is. Pick it up. Okay, I'm coming on the chair. Here's the chair. Oh, my God, I come on it. It's so hot, babe. Yeah. And afterwards, like, like okay i'll be right okay i'll see you later i'll see you i did i came on the chair that's that's so hot good job

thanks all right bye you want you hungry or anything hungry anything i want some chips i gotta clean up i'll be there and give me 30 bye bye uh did. I'm going to come on the chair for you. Without any further thought, weirdly hot, new kink unleashed. To make things better, we came up to the spot a couple weeks ago. Later, with a large group of friends, in the entire weekend, my wife and I would slyly point at the grill of the car and got a devilish grin on her face as we had not wiped it off and you could still see it dried up on the front no one knew the whole time so was our fun little dirty secret hey remember that's my car when i fucking remember when i come in the car girl jesus knows just yeah look at right next to

the splattered mosquitoes and boats and fly's my cool right next to the Dodge Humble. Fucking rammed him. I didn't dodge that. Fucking rammed him. Dodge that. Fucking come on it for you. Thanks for all the laughs.

For you. For you. Cause that's why I did it. Cause I wouldn't normally done that, but you liked it, right? Yeah. I thought it was great.

Okay, great for you. Oh wait, I gotta hang on. I have a call. Let's see what this is. Thanks for all the laughs. You perverted fucks, cheers Twiggy Go ahead

Hello? Did he just go gip? Hello, yes, a very good afternoon This is Eric from the Walmart customer service How are you doing today? Walmart? Yes Which one?

Now, the reason behind this call sir Is regarding an order, okay, that was placed from a Walmart account. So have you made any online purchase from Walmart recently? I bought a dildo recently. A dildo? Yeah. For your ass?

Yeah, for my ass. Have you ever done that before? Do you hang up on you? Oh, boy. Well, you're not getting whatever your wife ordered from the store. For your ass? No, it was a graduation present. But definitely for someone's ass.

It's for your ass. I was going to somebody's ass. Yeah. Hi, this is Walmart, blah, blah. I'm like, just take all my money. Just take it. What do you need? Here, here's my bank account.

And my social security. Here's my social security number. What do you need? Just make it stop. Make it stop. Don't let people buy. No buying. Oh, that was funny.

Okay, you want to read the second email? Yeah, yeah. From our chitrons. Go ahead, honey. Okay. Oh, there it is. It's coming in from our daughter Kiefer. Kiefer. Like Sutherland? Yeah. Who wanted to chime in on the whole man or men versus women pain tolerance

petty bee from a while back. It should be interesting. Alright, she writes, Hey guys, just had some thoughts for the biggest, toughest, strongest man I know, Eddie. If you guys remember Eddie. Eddie wrote in. He was the guy that wrote in

about the Petty B. I've been in construction for about seven years. I'm an electrician. I've been an apprentice for about seven years. I'm an electrician. I've been an apprentice and worked my way up to foreman. Forewoman. That's what they should be called. What you seem to be getting confused for gender is called

acclimation. Every child will hit their thumb and react the same. But big boys like you got told to shut the fuck up about it. You aren't feeling anything more or less Than other human you're just dumb enough to continue On with no concern for for your health or well-being in your defense You may know what constitutes as a serious injury better than your wife as you seem to be so good at your job

That being injured happens to you so often so often so often to you that would mean that you possess more experience and wisdom than your wife in maiming yourself and you should explain things to her instead of being mad that she doesn't know something that you had to learn too women are people too now go make women are people too now go make one come for once in your life you big tough man she just let you have it well said well said this i mean it just i mean it keeps going if you have things to say about it don't hold. What if we get them together in a room?

To fight? No, see if he can make her come. It seems like we might go to jail. Why? Like an arranged marriage type of thing. Not if it's consent. Oh, I doubt that Eddie and Kiefer want to fuck each other. It doesn't seem like they're in the same boat.

I wouldn't assume anything. You never know. This is why women prefer bears. You know what? Sometimes, sometimes, like, it's that confrontation. It's like, and then you end up, like, you're so strongly feeling something, and then you, like, you get in the sack, and you're like, holy shit. You're like a couple animals just going at it.

Yeah. That's why people love makeup sex. Yeah. Maybe that's what we could get going here. Yeah. All right. We have to find more room. We have to open up a second sex studio.

Just fly listeners out to fuck in the side studio? Yeah. And we put like a little window up. We get to watch. Oh, nice. Okay. We would tell them that we're watching. It's not like a, it wouldn't be voyeurism.

Can you imagine them fucking and then looking over and us and Zach are looking through a window and they're just like, is this real life? We're doing good. Am I, am I fucking the good way? And at the end of every single one, they're like, where do you want me to come? Yeah. I don't know. Over there on that glass window, these weirdos are looking through.

Tell him where he comes. What do you want me to come? He's like, like chiming through a talkback mic. Yeah, it's a, we got a button, like a recording studio. All right, put it on her tits. Outside, there's a flat tire on one of my bikes. Go come on that. Go come on that.

We won't film you. We won't watch. You want to come on the flat tire? Yes. Yes, that is so hot. Got it. All right, Yes, that is so hot. Got it. All right, well, that's episode 99. Episode 100 next week.

In the meantime, if you want bonus content, sign up for it. You can pick whatever tier you want. We appreciate all of it. Different rewards for different tiers. Patreon.com slash CanYouKnowPodcast. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. YouTube version. Blah, blah, blah.ontpodcast. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. YouTube version.

Blah, blah, blah. No one cares. Uncle Zach. What? What are you doing? What's going on with the Scatcast world? We got coffee, coffee, coffee and cards, cards, cards. What are the cards?

Because you're making cards for... Can You Don't. Like a Can You Don't crossover. Yeah, it's going to be in June that we start letting people pre-order and all that stuff. So that's coming right up. Real quick, yeah. You cut up our shirts? They're being cut up this weekend. Oh, that's going to be in June that we start letting people pre-order and all that stuff. So that's coming right up. Real quick, yeah. You cut up our shirts? They're being cut up this weekend. Oh, that's hot.

Yeah, yeah. I like knowing that that's what you're doing. That's mostly what we're doing. You're jizzing on them too? I blacklighted all of them. Did you? Was there anything on it? There was lots, yeah.

So somebody's going to get to come stay in the sweat stain. It's good stuff. I'm going to get cloned? Probably. Yeah, you're like, one of you fucking came on it. It's like, we know who came on it. We don's going to get the cum stain, the sweat stain. It's good stuff. I'm going to get cloned. Probably. Yeah. You're like one of you fucking came on. It's like, we know who came on it. We don't have to pretend.

That's what it is. Joe just uses that shirt as a cum rag is all it is. What is it? I have daddy issues. Daddy issues. Daddy issues made me do it. Yeah. You're using that as a cum rag.

That's hot. I feel like it's perfect. Yeah, it is perfect. All right. Here you go, Cass. You toss it to her. She looks at it. What the fuck?

Because I'm not wearing this. You can wear it on your show, I guess. But check out everything in the ScatCast universe. Go to scatcast.com. That is ScatCast with a K. And thanks to the babysitters that run the Facebook Can You Don't Playground page. We appreciate you. Got a little joke for you.

Okay. You might actually be better telling this one. I don't like a joke. But, all right. Zach! I'll tell it. Okay. How about I tell Zach?

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? How about I tell Zach since he probably hasn't heard it? Yeah, probably not. And I also haven't heard it. Yeah, exactly. All right. German accent, maybe.

Go ahead. What does a police officer say to his belly button? What? You're under a vest. Shit. That was way better. Oh, look at you under a vest.

Under a vest. Oh, you like the joke? Daddy likes the jokes. All right, well, that's it. We'll keep going.

If you subscribe, if not, we'll see you guys next week for episode 100. Woo! Woo! Bye! Woo! Woo! Woo!

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Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

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Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!