Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Blue Water. Mirrors. Pause. Off-Site Morgue.

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

How pissed would you be if you spent MONTHS looking for your family member that the hospital told you checked herself out... only to later find out she was actually dead the entire time? Let's talk about that, getting completely covered in pee and poo, blanketing the planet with giant mirrors to make more daylight hours, accidentally handing out candies made of solid meth to the homeless population, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/xe7J26kuMccSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Blue water, mirrors, pause. Offsite morgue. Got some things to talk about. And I think fitting well, mean my knuckles are clean now that i just touched my microphone and there's a sucker here not i mean not you not you guys like a literal little lollipop and we don't know who the culprit is but i have it whittled down to two mine just fell on the ground and too far to grab it hi i got a grape yeah you got a grape there's one stuck inside of like a deer nose upstairs

found some in beds on lamps i mean i'm whittling it down to pepper page which i don't think is a far stretch because ezra it's would be hiding like he'd be like we turn the the show get going and then a sprinkler would go off. I feel like that would be his prank. Like ceiling sprinklers. Yeah, like we turn it on and then a chairlift picks us up and then carries us into the backyard.

That would be an Ezra prank. Yeah. So we don't know. I also thought it was fitting. It was last week. I showed the praying mantis that we found in the backyard, right? Yes.

And how high he was. Yeah, he was fucked up. Something extraordinary happened, guys. Oh, shit. Cass and I were sitting in the backyard on the patio playing dominoes. Just having some fun. As someone, a couple does. As a retired old couple does.

And it's watery and there's a lot of slugs. Guess what we saw? First off, I don't know a whole lot about slugs. I'm not sure how much you guys have done some slug research. Did you watch Slugs Have Sex? We watched Slugs Fuck. Nice. It was a fucking slug fuck fest.

Slug fest? Yeah, and they were following each other. It looked like one was sucking the other one's ass. And it was, like, super slow motion. And it's like, what's that all about? So we looked it up, and it was like, well, that's what happens when they're starting to do it. When the male slugs... And slugs are hermaphrodites, so they don't actually need to have sex, but some of them do because it's fun.

And then you looked into it more and more, and it was like, okay gonna do this and then they're gonna climb up and we're watching it and the slugs made their way across the porch and then climbed up the siding and we're like oh like you know a foot away from cassie's shoulder and then you start looking at it and they make this huge mucus membrane so they can hang down and dangle and then they wrap around each other and then their penises come out the side of their head, and then their penises wrap around each other. You saw all this? Did you film it? Yes! Watch the whole thing happen.

I mean, I didn't... Slug porn? I just didn't think about it in time. Cassie was sending me some text before we got recording. She goes, oh no, pickles remind me of slugs, and now I'm weirded out. And then she was making like a sandwich, and had two pickles laying next to each other. Like this guy right here. Yeah, and it looked like the pickles were sucking each other's asses.

And that reminded me of the slug sex. I mean, I could show you guys, but I don't think I could transfer it to the computer. That's okay. But anyway, it is obscure. It is a wild thing to watch. And they get rubbed around and then you read... they're dry humping

Oh, they're doing more than that wet like huge bright blue Dicks come out of their heads. Yes, okay and wrap. Well, I can just show you on my phone, dude This is you don't have the you don't need the internet for this slug dick slug dick That'll get you in trouble. Let me find a picture. This is not going to do it justice, but look at the dicks coming out the top of their head. As they hang down

off the siding. I wish I could show you guys. It's not going to work. Just look up slug sex. You'll get there. I'm here. Head to Pornhub. And then when they were... We got video. It's just so... It's so just oh weird slime yeah it doesn't make any sense and anyway uh when they're done like and when they're

done one of them will eat the slime for nutrients and like as we're reading it you watch it the other one's like and the other one like left it was like all right i'm out i'm done and then they came back together i don't know i hope they have a great life together. So do slugs mate for life? I highly doubt it. Fuck. Fucking. And then move on.

Hump and dump. You know what I mean? Hit it and quit it. That's what my dad used to do. But it was a wild experience. If you've never seen some slug sex, you can look it up. I've never seen slug sex, but our old house. But I've had sex. Yes, I have.

And then what's, you tell me what's the difference. I didn't eat the jizz for nutrients. Okay. But you did wrap your bright blue dick around another bright blue dick. It was kind of purple. I'm colorblind. Remember? Yeah.

I forgot until you said that. That's so funny. Yeah. It is funny because you have a disability. Yeah. that's so funny yeah it is funny because you have a disability um yeah but i i remember seeing them crawl up the side of the garage and it was so weird you just missed it yeah you left i didn't know what was gonna happen you left the show early yeah it's gonna happen i was so surprised i didn't i'd never seen a slug before and this fuckerer was seven, eight inches long. Had a lot going on. Just going up the side of the

garage, and I was like, oh, that's crazy. And then he's left, but if I would've stuck around. Stuck around, you would've saw a show. God, he just missed it. That's alright. Next time. Episode 116 of Can You Don't. Thanks for joining us. If you want the bonus content. I feel like there should be music playing.

Oh, I tapped it, but it didn't. There it is. If you want the bonus content. I feel like there should be music playing. Oh, I tapped it. There it is. If you want the bonus content, all the perks that come along with supporting us on Patreon, you'll find a link in the episode description. It's also patreon.com slash can you know podcast. Thanks to everyone who has signed up recently. Check out Scatcast.

Love everything that Uncle Commie Zach is doing. Come on. You get it. Check that out at scatcast.com. Scat with a K. Something you want to see on the show. Hey, guys, at canyoudon'tpodcast.com. That is the email address.

We are heading back to a classic today. The format that it was from the beginning. So we're doing that. Got a little petty beef in there. Got your dick. Got some slug sex. You know. Yeah. Just things like that. Yeah. Your typical canyoudon't. Your a little petty beef in there. Got your dick. Got some slug sex. You know, just things like that.

Yeah, your typical candy don't. Your typical candy don't. What you've come to expect. Quick email before we get going. This one was sent in by our son, Eric. He writes, hey guys. Hey guys. Your airline pilot kid that wrote in about the air drumming in front of a running jet. That email might be somewhere, but i don't remember it

doesn't mean we don't love you eric yeah we just have a lot of kids yeah yeah we have a lot of slug sex yeah a lot of oh if i remember the number right i feel like one this slug sex thing which is so funny they don't have to have sex they just decide to yeah they just want to yeah they just awesome they just fuck themselves Just climb a wall Show me where the wall is I'll fucking suck your butt on the way up Threesome sex

Slug threesome sex I wanted to tell you guys about a conversation I had With a guy I flew with last week He was from Texas And had some amazing country fried phrases Which I expect Brian to read In a Texas accent You want to take over from here? week. He was from Texas and had some amazing country fried phrases, which I expect Brian to read in a Texas accent. You want to take over from here? Yeah, I'll take it. Where's that at?

For example, he got out there faster than a jackrabbit on a hot tarmac. Or she screamed louder than a cat in a wood chipper. Excuse me? You know what's funny about this is we were at silverwood which if anybody doesn't know what silverwood is and the music that zach was just

doing is a perfect it's the same music i shit you know i'm walking down through we're walking down through the rides and this fucking guy's just picking dude like and i'm just kind of going and uh it wasn't the speakers it was real life no wasn't the speakers? It was real life? No, it was the speakers. Oh, the speakers. Okay. But it felt real. I thought their budget got expanded. No, I wish. Get a real banjo player out there.

But I was like, dude, I was like, my wife's just looking at me like, what are you doing? I'm like, I fucking love, because I like bluegrass music. So I'm like, this is one of the best parts about coming here. It's just fucking. But there was a point playing your favorite hits so we did the train ride b-b-b-b-b-b-banger

let's go let it fucking go anyway we were riding the train and the gal gets on there the character she's like oh i'm something more than a but you know whatever you know just got thinking like it's just so funny like how that they always like that's such a classic thing it's something like that thing and i was just like sitting there i'm like trying to think of something i was like hey what that's hotter than the dragonfly's tits on Tuesday.

I'm bored of the nine-year-old on the straight ride. It just never. My kids loved it. There was a shootout. Anyway, but it's always something weird. That's what popped in my head. The first thing I was like, it's like, that's hotter than a dragonfly's tits on Tuesday. Mm-hmm.

But it's like. I know exactly how hot that is. Yeah, exactly. Like, if you said that, they'd just be like, ha, ha. Woo. I know what I'm doing. 89. I get it, brother.

89 degrees. I can tell you exactly the temperature of a dragonfly's tits on a Tuesday. Yeah. Anyway. By the way, if you have no idea, what just happened? I missed it. I flicked away. How did you just? I hit the bone right there on the corner.

Right in the bone. Right in the bone. Hits in the bone. In the bone. That must have hurt. That hurt more than fucking hitting your knee on an arcade table in a podcast studio. Woo! Woo!

More than a cock or a span of shit in razor blades. Yep. Yes, sir. All right. We'll tell you what. All right. Anyway, let's We'll tell you what. All right. Anyway, let's get back to this. Okay.

He had hundreds of them and all of them ridiculous. Yeah, they do. They just like, they have them prepared, like set up for every occasion. I love her more than that. Yeah. Fucking. Yeah. Fucking.

I love her more than fucking. We'll tell you what. But the best one by far was when I referenced an email from the company about a policy change, to which he replied, I'm more scared than sticking my pecker in a birdhouse. No way. Perfect. I looked at him and said, like Joe's song, he said, who's Joe?

Nah, something my daddy used to say. Thought he would enjoy this glorious conversation. Eric. Love the double layer. Fuck yeah, dude, that's the layer. That's what my daddy used to say. That's'd enjoy this glorious conversation, Eric. Love the double layer. Now I just said what my daddy used to say. So you do know him. So you know who I'm talking about. Ponytails? What did he say

about ponytails? He's like, what? He's like, what? There you are. He's about to stick a dick in a ponytail more than a jackrabbit on a tarmac. Alright, you don't know my dad. Joe's dad never would have said that.

That's ridiculous. That doesn't make any sense. Alright, well thanks, Eric. Get the show going? Love it. Yep. Alright. Hey, shut up.

It's not the show already. Hot skimity boo day. Morning, morning, morning, morning, dude. That hoo-wee you're doing is getting the strings ringing on that guitar. Hoo! Hoo! Let me stop the music. It's not going to show up in the mic, so I can try.

Go ahead. Hoo! Yeah. Look at that sustain. I know. Hoo! Might not make it through the mic. Yeah, I can hear it.

Just know that you've got some power going. This was sent in. It's a combo between Corey. Sorry. What? Just real quick. Yeah. I just embarrassed the shit out of my wife when we were at Zerwood because we're on the

train and they're actors, you know? Yeah. No, the real live Western people. They're real. Yeah. They're real people from the West. It's their train. We're lucky to be on it. No, they have the whole fight scene and shootout and they're real people from the west. It's their train. We're lucky to be on it.

No, they have the whole fight scene and shootout and they're like robbing the train and shit. And I, of course, just have to get involved. I'm yelling at stuff and I'm like telling this guy all this shit. And the woman finally turned around and she's like I told you to keep it down. She's like, you're done.

I think she was doing it in character. But like, you need to calm the fuck down. I'm going to trust it down She's like You're done I think she was doing it in character But like You don't You need to calm the fuck down I'm gonna Trust your wife's judgment Yeah She didn't know that

They've had enough She I was just playing along Okay And then So when the ride was over We're leaving We're walking back to our car

And everything Because it was about ready to close And the two bank rob Or the two train robbers Were walking From Where the end of the ride is to like where the actors go hang out and they're walking the distance so it's like are you scared the way it's gonna get out of here still still and they're just like just put a real gun to their head i won't give them my fucking money my fucking dollar back yeah i'm gonna because they come through the train with the thing and we gave them a piece of gun.

Yeah, they donate money to charity or whatever. So I yelled at them and they were just like, dude, we're off the clock. I'm like, I'm going to get back to you. Anyway, sorry. It's alright. This was sent in,

Corey sent it in, we modified it. In order to move in any direction, you have to throw a 50-pound weight in said direction, and then that's as far as you can move until you throw the weight again. Oh, fuck that, dude. 50 pounds is a good chunk. I have a 35-pound weight out there. So, I mean, you can do it.

I mean, in order to work in certain businesses, you have to be able to at least lift 50 pounds. That's a big bag of dog food. Yeah, and it's always a little heavier than you think it is. But, I mean, whatever. So that's what you have to do in order to move anywhere ever. And you have to go pick it up and throw it again. That's going to get tiring. Yeah.

You're going to get ripped off. Yeah, you're going to get strong. Or not be able to lift something that weighs over 25 pounds ever again. Ooh. See? Okay. See what's going on here in 25 pounds just i mean internet things that weigh 25 pounds that might help us but i mean well you're never picking up your lady again throwing her on the bed nope not doing that pick you up i'm seriously typing in with fingerless leather gloves things that weigh 25 pounds something that you should never be typing in when you wear fingerless leather gloves

okay it's a cool okay here we go i knew there'd be a list the list says it says things that weigh 25 pounds and then in quotes, and one thing that doesn't. Like I'm taking a quiz. Can you guess what it is? You know what weighs at least 25 pounds? So two bowling balls. So that's not true.

Yeah, I mean, I guess you have a 15-pound ball. Or no, you've got two of each. You could have two 12ers. Then you're good. Bowling league on yep still in it uh a good sized watermelon god this list sucks it looks like it was made like on geocities has a bright yellow background yeah oh fuck fuck me a two-year-old child. I'm fine without picking up kids.

Oh, yeah, you can't pick up your kids. Half of a bag of mulch. Who wrote this list? Five bags of sugar. 30 cans of soda. At least two car tires. Three gallons of water.

Two large bottles of laundry detergent. You're worthless as a person carrying groceries. A frozen turkey and a couple of frozen chickens. Who's the guy that's going out and bringing stuff and weighing it? And he's like, fuck.

Sir, if you touch it, I'm doing a blog. I have a blog. I have a blog. And what's it about? Well, I'm thinking Stop me. If you've heard this attention before things that weigh 25 pounds and he's like okay and one thing that doesn't and he's like i'm in all right all right touch the chickens and the turkey he's like thank you all right that's 24 pounds uh you know what weigh about 25 pounds anymore my waist okay well like shit or waste waste w-a-s-t-e or waste okay

like belt waste that doesn't make any sense so that list not what we needed but you get the idea 25 pounds is not a lot and if you're picking i've been doing some yard work we just did a a little walkway by the gate and then you know picking up the pavers and bags of sand and shit like that. Like, you just can't do that. Well, you have somebody else do it and then because you can't. So, you know, you got to do it. You're just the old guy for the rest of your life. How far?

Dude, back to the internet. Now double that. 50 pounds and you got to throw that and take four steps. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And you just like. Oh, yeah, dude. And you just get up and you just go. It's the weight.

Bang. It's like a fan bowl. Yeah. Honey, this is the third time you had to go to the bathroom. I know. I shouldn't have had all that lemonade. Bang. Like wood floors.

You're fucked. But I guess you can wrap a weight in foam, so you don't damage everything. It just has to be 50 pounds that you're throwing. How far can you throw 50 pounds? This brings me back to this same blog. Dude, is this World's Strongest Man? You're throwing kegs and shit?

How far you can throw 50 pounds? And then in parentheses, and how much you can kegs and shit? How far you can throw 50 pounds? And then in parentheses. And how much you can't. Yeah. And how far you can't. You're like, what? Tell me more.

How much weight can a human throw and how far? I'm not sure if we're going to get the answers we need here. Do I look like an Olympian? How much does a shot put weigh? I forgot. Eight pounds, I think. Yeah, a little. I mean, they're throwing those things, what, 50 meters?

Yeah. I mean, that's cool. That's a lot of, I think. Yeah, a little. I mean, they're throwing those things, what, 50 meters? Yeah. I mean, that's cool. That's a lot of difference in weight. Yeah. 50 pounds is a good amount, especially if you have to throw it, pick it up again, then throw it, pick it up again. I mean, that's... But you are getting a workout in. You are, but still, like, your fucking back's going to be destroyed.

Grocery store, going to work. I go pick your kids up from school, and from school and just throwing weight and then being like, honey, right over here. Does it count if you're in the car? If once you're in the car, you can just go? Yeah. I think so. That would be a disaster.

What if you had to run away? Let's say you're out hiking. You just want to go on a hike. Hiking wouldn't be for you. And you're throwing this. And then a bear. You're like, oh, fuck. Going on a... You're running from a bear? You could throw the weight right a hike. Hiking wouldn't be for you. And you're throwing this, and then a bear, you're like, oh, fuck. Going on a, you're running from a bear?

You could throw the weight right at it. You could. What if you miss? You're dead. Then go pick it up. Plus, you're not supposed to run from a bear, right? Yeah, just lay down with your 50-pound weight. Put the 50-pound weight on your head.

Yeah. Make the bear move it, if he really wants to kill you that bad. I think certain bears you're supposed to run. Are you? Yeah, I think some. I think it depends on how fast you want to go. I think you're supposed to just be like, make yourself big, right? I think certain bears are supposed to run. Are you? Yeah, I think some. I think it depends on how fast you want to go. I think you're supposed

to just be like, make yourself big, right? Yeah. Certain bears, yeah. Ah! Ah! Yeah, that should do it. I am terrified.

You see a bear, I think it depends on... Ah! Get out of here! I know, the guitar went off again. There's certain... I i mean even bears are not supposed to yell at given a certain day i think yelling at them would do it like even think about a giant human like a certain a certain time even a big human if you're like you

and like you look like you're just a lot yeah even though even though they could pick you up and squeeze your trachea shut there's like i don't want to deal with this i think that's what the whole thing is with animals right like they it's almost like they weigh when if they're gonna attack something how much fight you have back they weigh the odds like if that's dude seems nuts is it worth and if they're super hungry they don't't care. Yeah, but if it's like they want a little snack, they're like, that's not worth it. They're like, I'll just kill the other person. The person not screaming at me.

You get out of here. I'll kill your wife. Yeah, you can go. I'll just kill your kids. Just get out of here. It'd be way easier. So throwing the weight, never being able to pick up 25 pounds. I think I'm going to lean with the 25 pounds Just because the other thing seems so tedious

Impractical Like it would suck to not Not being able to help out But you just can't help out, sorry I mean it's the same as having someone who has Like a back problem Yeah, it's a disability I can't do it

But god, I would hate that. Like, being in your prime and not being able to do it. No one would ever ask you to move a couch again. That's what I'm saying. Like, you'd get out of a lot of stuff. You wouldn't have to help move. Well, you just pick up the small things. All the small things.

He's like, what should I help you with? How about all the small things? Yeah, I can do that. Pencil cup. Nose ring. Or whatever. You can leave them by the stairs. Someone else will pick them up.

Who cares? Something like that. Pizza. Not you. No beers for you. You're just watching. Waiting. The heavy shit.

Motivating. Oh, yeah. I'm going with 25 pounds. 25 pound weight. Yeah. Zach Gaffner. All right, let's move off to what are you thinking about? Okay.

This just happened. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What are you thinking about?

You guys want to know what I'm always thinking about? What's that? Come on, tell me what's your wildest fantasy Tell me, tell me, tell me all over me All right, but that's not for this week But it is music related Yeah? Yeah I knew that It did it All right, but that's not for this week. But it is music related. Yeah? Yeah.

I knew that it did it. I can't say I didn't, but I never had an experience that made me realize how much I don't think I like it. Okay, so I'm talking about Sirius XM. Okay. I have it in my automobile. My automobile bubbly. And when you get a phone call, it pauses the radio.

Make a call, get a call. It's going to pause it. One call? That's all. They're everywhere, aren't they? They're not just here. Craig's Wapping Associates. Have you seen that one picture? I think so. Believe me. I was just as bamboozled as you. I just assumed he was local.

No, I don't think so. I think it's way bigger than we think. But have you guys seen that picture? There's that car accident on I-90, which up in this area, it's the freeway that runs from beautiful downtown Spokane. I guess it runs to Seattle.

But between Spokane and Coeur d'Alene, when there was a car accident, and then in the background, it's just Craig Swapp on a billboard. It's just one call, that's all. It was right in front of the billboard. Good for them. I just went to his website,

and it says live chat online. It goes, hi, my name is Craig. Craig Swapp. Yeah, right. Do you have any questions I can help with? It's just me working here. Just me and my associates. But I like to have a personal touch

on everything we do. Click on those locations and they're fucking everywhere. Interesting. Well, that dude, that fucks everything up. Dude, I'm not calling Craig Swap. I thought he was just living... A local guy? Oh, look it.

Ogden, Utah. Yeah. There you go. What the fuck? Everywhere. Go up. Yeah, go down. Wait.

There you go. Up a little bit. Oh! There you go. So, I guess all over the Northwest, as far down as Denver, Colorado. Okay, well, it looks like maybe started in this area. I mean, yeah, they got the associates involved. Yeah, once the associates got involved, everything changed.

One call and maybe a couple more. One call and you hold on line for several hours. One call, one hold. One hour. One hour. 1-800-1-HOUR. We'll finish your case in an hour. We'll finish your case in an hour.

We'll get to you in an hour. These associates, I tell you what. Dude, they're just fucking... Hi, this is Craig Swapp, threesome sex. One call, three dicks, one hour. I feel like I should chat with this person. Yeah, you can chat with him. But you're going to miss my story.

So, Cyrix XM, it pauses the radio when you get a phone call and then when you get off your phone call it picks up where it left off. And I've had that happen a couple times and I have noticed it, but recently it happened on a particular song

and I had a lot of phone calls to make. So, working on a particular song, and I had a lot of phone calls to make. Okay. So working on a project, doing some video work for a different company, and I had to kind of triangulate between people to figure out what we were doing. So I had probably five to six phone calls to make over the course of 15 minutes or so. When I had to make these phone calls, I was was listening to I believe it was Pop 2K Pop 2K! What's that? All the greatest pop hits

from the 2000s. So it was Nickelback How You Remind Me. So that came on. Never made it at a one man Couldn't cut it as brrrrrrrrrr I start my phone call. Have my conversation for five minutes or so.

I'll give him a minutes or so. Okay. Yeah. Okay. No, I'll give him a call right now. Okay. Click. Poor man stealing. Right in the middle.

This is how you. I'm not really paying attention, but it's, you know, music brain. So it's still there. Have another five minute phone call. Hang up.

I mean, i really am this is anything you sound like just like talk is like well no i didn't ask him that okay yeah no problem i'll give him a call back. Right. Yeah. No, I'll get right back to you. How do you know I really am this? And then it was like the fourth one, fourth phone call where I got off the call and it was right at that, the tastiest fill that like it is. I mean, it's beautiful. I love it. The, the mixing is great. Like it's right when I got up.

Okay. Okay. No, I'll call back to confirm that that'll work for tomorrow. I think it's like, click. It's like, this is hell. And like 15 to 20 minutes came by and I've made it 30 seconds through this fucking Nickelback song. And I just never noticed.

And I guess maybe hats off. But Sirius X xm from their perspective was like this guy can't miss it oh yeah like dude i'm like dude good part dude the good part's coming up you can't you haven't even made it to the best part like all these phone calls all this like who is it like what do i what do i want to say i'm like going through my my contacts it's like you remind me just like fucking chad kroger i'm like and like i had a little louder he's probably like a little little little more of a banger song before that i don't know maybe you fucking Blind Melon, No Rain. Like, whatever.

Shannon Hoon. I can see. So maybe that was what I was turning up. Maybe Natalie Imbruglia. I don't know. I don't know, but Nickelback came on And it was just so funny to have Chad coming in and out For about 5 seconds between all my phone calls

And it's very, that Is very distinctive Just cutting them off I want to, like, what I want to Think is happening Is that that because that's happened with me before like i've tried to play a song for my wife or something oh yeah and you know she's like i just gotta make a call real quick i'm like no wait and she's like

she doesn't care she's just and so i'm just like she's on the phone i'm like so what i'm visualizing happened is there's a guy that's like controlling it for you and you get a call and he's like oh no dude come on he's like fuck i hope he doesn't miss it he just cancels her call yeah yeah turns the music up in your car the car winks at you yeah he's like dude come on it's a little like a little video call of your your one-on-one agent from sirius xm he's just like sitting there like like headanging with you. He's like, hmm. You're not feeling it. Instead of clicking next, he goes, he doesn't like it.

Yeah, he's just watching you. He's like, he's watching your face. You kind of give like a leaning, like dimly lit, like guy in a Sirius XM cubicle. Like you can barely see his face and he's just leaning into it. He's like, he doesn't like it. He's not getting this. He doesn't like it. Speaking of that, have you guys tried the Spotify DJ?

No. He misses a lot. Yeah? Yeah. Just an AI DJ? Yeah, it's an AI DJ. You know what? Let's just fire him up right here.

Okay. He'll play songs that you like, and then when you get heavy into the rotation, like Cassie and I on a on a late night domino session okay right slug sex we're watching slug sex and we're looking for something great first of all the ai dj should know that we're watching slug sex yeah i mean we're talking about slug sex we're looking up really listening to us if you're really catering to me and using all your ai brain why are you playing kill switch Engage when I'm watching Slug Sex?

I mean, I love Kill Switch as much as the next guy. A slug could be considered a bullet. So they're like, oh, Kill Switch, we got you. It was stinking. Come on. But the deeper you get into those cuts, the more it's like, okay, those ones weren't quite your jam. Here's some of the top pop hits from 2024 that you're going to love. First off, BTS. And you're like, I'm not listening to fucking Korean pop music.

Like, you just, I mean, I know there's probably, they're getting paid to have the AI DJ feed that stuff in. But here we go. Let's fire this up for you. What are you doing, Joe? You're here with your DJ ex. What? Gonna get things started with Chance Payne. Plus some more stuff you've been into.

I have not been into this. Let's try again. Okay. Like that. Noah Khan. Good. Let's just go to the next one. Let's just do it.

Some chill music coming now. Gonna start with a song from Gregory Alan Isaacov. He mixes Indian folk jamming out on the guitar and banjo. indie and folk, jamming out on the guitar and banjo. Take a listen. Jamming out on the guitar and banjo. Just pay a guy to talk for fuck's sake. Hey, great. I just want to get deeper.

Got more music now? Do you get to pick what the guy sounds like? No. Combines indie folk and acoustic pop. Feels like we're in for some cozy vibes. Have a listen. Anyway, so he's out there. You guys didn't know about the AIDJ on Spotify.

Just pay a guy for fuck's sake. I know, but just go experience it. It's funny. The deeper you get, like three hours in, he's just like, I have no fucking idea what you want to hear. He's like, no, here's some Arabian rap trance that I think you might be into lately. And you're just like, what are you fucking talking about? And you click it twice. Okay.

Doesn't seem like you were into that. Oh, what gave it away? My bad. Yeah. My bad, Joe. Anyway. So I just thought that was so funny. I do appreciate it.

The technology that goes into a series xm radio station be able to pause for my phone calls yeah dude but just that it was very funny to have it happen on nickelback no i it's uh i do that kind of shit all the time we're listening to spotify and i'll get a call or my wife will get a call and i just like the whole time like come on because i know it's gonna come back it's gonna kick back, I'm like, come on. Because I know it's going to come back. It's going to kick back in. I'm like, hey, can you handle on a Monday? The breakdown's coming.

Yeah. Can you listen? Can you figure this out on Tuesday? Because right now. Dude, how are spouses so keen? Like, how do they know? Like, when I've got something come up, I throw on something heavy or something. I don't know.

And my wife's like, nah. But so I'll throw something on. It's like not quite as heavy, but there's like a heavy breakdown coming. I don't know. And my wife's like, but so I'll throw something on. It's like not quite as heavy, but there's like a heavy breakdown coming. I'm waiting for it. And she just, she'll just like turn around to the kids and start talking to them right when it's going to happen. I'm like,

can this wait? I'm talking to the kids. The kids need to hear this. Yeah. Like the distinctive like four China hits. It's like, so what do you guys want for dinner? Yeah. this. Yeah. Like the distinctive four china hits. It's like, shh, shh. So what do you guys want for dinner? No!

God damn it! And you have to turn it down? The old quiet breakdown? I usually end up pausing it. Pausing it? Pausing it. I usually end up pausing it, and then I'm like, I sigh or something. She goes, what?

I'm talking to the kids. Can I not talk to the kids? I'm like, yeah the kids can i not talk to the kids i'm like yeah no you can talk to the kids but maybe like right after this yeah do you not understand you don't know she doesn't understand the flow but i want to share that with you guys made me laugh i ingest some dick. Yeah, speaking of AI, though, I... Started your own AI? No, I said, what's up to Craig? Oh, to Craig. And he goes, happy to help.

May I have your name, please? I said, Farty McGee. And he said, thank you, Farty. In case we get disconnected, can I have a phone number, please? And I said, no. You still with me? Like, sorry, I was farting. He goes, I understand.

Best email farty at mcgee.craigswap.com. I had to poop. And I had explosive. Fart. Diarrhea fart. Nice. Oh, it kicked me off. It just kicked you out?

Yep. They said nah. Craig Swap? Dude, fucking. All right. Nature calls. One call, that's all. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Still got it. Yeah! Oh, dude, Craig Swap kicked me out of their chat. I didn't even say anything that bad. He's probably still there. Probably. Just fire it back up.

Like, hi, it's Craig Swap. It's farting again. Sorry if we got disconnected while you were pooping and diarrhea farting are you in a car accident dude they got rid of the chat thing yeah you you abused it hope you never get in a car accident no shit all right let's take i give him one call and you're like no you had one one call no it's all. Nah, it's all, dude. All right, Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick.

What a prude. Sorry I had to poop. Gone. Fuck your car accident. Hope you die. He writes that back? Yeah. Sorry I had to poop.

Poop? Hope you die in your car accident. Farty McGee. I like how, I want to visualize that it was a real person and they said, no, sorry I had to poop and they're like, oh shit, shit, shit. Like they had to bail real quick. Oh god, Craig's gonna kill me.

Yeah, yeah. Craig's just leaning over their shoulder. What'd he say? I believe he said he had to poop. To me or my associates? I don't know. He didn't make it clear. I mean, he said it was you,

so probably to you. No one poops on Crank's time. All right. You found this article. One poop, that's all. One poop, that's all. No call. Oh, you want me to do this one?

Yeah, you do. Okay. This is kind of wild. Yeah, it is. Once again, let me preface by saying that it's not funny that this woman died. Yeah. Ha ha. Oh, not funny.

Yeah, it's not funny that she died. Okay. It is not funny. It's not funny that she died. Okay. Not laughing that she died. Okay. But there's a funny situation. Jesse Peterson's family spent a year searching for her after they were told she had checked herself out of a California hospital against medical advice before they learned that she had been dead all along. Oh, my God. The 31-year-old died in care of

Mercy San Juan Medical Center in Sacramento in April 2023. The hospital shipped her body to a storage facility and did not inform her mother and sisters. Okay. Standard hospital procedure. Oops. The family only learned her fate

the following April after months of trying to find her, according to a civil lawsuit against the hospital. In the lawsuit filed earlier this month, the family described the hospital's conduct as malicious and outrageous and accused the facility of negligence, the negligent handling of a corpse. God. When you talk about a family member, you just don't want to hear corpse. No. And negligent in infliction of emotional distress. I feel like negligent doesn't belong in that sentence.

Negligent infliction of emotion. Someone's just trying to use big words. Just trying to use it. Never mind. Yeah. So, Peter,... Save that comment. Go ahead. They fail in its most fundamental duty

to notify Jesse's family of her death. They store Jesse in an off-site warehouse, morgue, and she was left to decompose for nearly a year while her family relentlessly inquired about her whereabouts. God. Whom her family described in the lawsuit as loving and energetic had type 1 diabetes.

She was experiencing a diabetes episode when she was admitted to Mercy San Juan. Her mother, Ginger, stated that Peterson had called two days later asking for a ride because she would be leaving the hospital. Okay. She was later told that Peterson had left the hospital against medical advice, and her medical records indicate she was discharged on April 8th. After her sudden disappearance, the family spent months relentlessly searching for her, posting flyers, speaking with unhoused residents in the area area and contacting police at the coroner's office. John the coroner. Yep. Nope.

Let's leave that one alone. Yep. Could you imagine that? Like, that whole thing happens. You're just like, oh, oh, okay. I see what happened. Oh, this happens all the time. It's tricky. And, like like they turn the clipboard around

They're like the cords Oh, this is I know I know this sounds bad but like Not get like the pin container over you at Packard monitor Sorry, it's the screen's flickering because the oh shit pushing the vga cable back in the back it's i mean i i i can't tell you how many times i've messed this up it's hard to see between they have this they have us running the old system it's really complicated and some of them run the new one yeah which is better uh they just haven't updated our system yet.

Yeah, and as you get... Hold on one second. Plugging the cord back in. The family's just like crying. Like searching for their daughter for six months. Posting flyers and he's like, this is crazy. So under the signature spot, I don't know why they don't put a space. But

look how small that checkbox is. Where it says dead or alive and i've missed it i'm not the only one i mean jerry how many times do you miss the dead or alive checkbox and he's just like in the break room slamming a tuna sandwich oh i hate that thing i keep telling them they need to make it bigger right bigger. Probably five, six times in the last week. Yeah. So the new system has a bigger checkbox, but this checkbox has a bigger checkbox,

but this one doesn't. You just look up and they're all just like... And you're just like... Wiggling your monitor back around. Like knocking over pictures of your family. Oh, this is my mom oh this man I broke a picture of me and my daughter

and she's just staring at you and you're like anything else we can help you with that's about it I guess I should talk to your manager that's Jerry that lady up front yeah the daughter thing.

The daughter thing. Yeah, no, yeah. Okay, he'll be on in a minute. He's just on his break. He's just on his break. I mean, it's been a crazy night. You wouldn't get it. You wouldn't get it.

It's just the system. It's been nuts, this system. They're trying to implement it. The problem is that when they do the transfer, we have to shut everything down. And being a hospital, we've got to keep it open. That's really bad because people could die when you're just staring at this family. Someone could die and we could totally miss it. I mean, worst case, we could lose a body and just stare at this family.

Yeah, I get it. Come to think of it, I think we were doing a transfer back around April 8th. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah, it just got filed under. Alive.

Yeah. Sorry. See, your daughter got filed under left under her own will. But as I can see, she should have been under debt. Yeah. We shipped her and then we obviously we shipped her to the wrong place. We shipped her, and then they were doing a system update, so they lost track of her. So she's basically just been sitting for a year.

Corporate stuff, am I right? Just this family staring at you? All right. Well. Is that all I can help you with today? Anything else I can help you with? Any other people that are dead? Any other people here you want to know that are dead or alive?

Yeah, anybody else that may have been missed? May have been shipped to our off-site morgue? Hospitals have off-site morgues? I had no idea. Nope. What are we going to do with all these bodies in the meantime? They just bought up like an old... Kmart?

Yeah. It was like Kmart went out of business. They're like, whoa, whoa, don't tear that down. Keep the fridges. Keep the fridges. Yeah, now get the trampolines and candles out of here. Keep those deep freeze fridges though.

Oh my gosh, picture like a state sale or something like that where it's like they open it up, everybody can come in here. The trampoline's for sale, the can's for sale, but hands off the fucking fridges, dude. You don't even want to go in there.

And the hospital's already backing people into it. Yeah, they had to get them over there. There's no room. They're fresh. It's an immediate thing. No, but think about the family, the amount of time and frustration

of spending months and months going around and trying to find your daughter that you think is alive with the idea that she's alive

that she walked her ass out of the hospital and something's not right and you're trying to find her and then later they're like whoops how much are they

trying to get please be a lot of money i'm not sure if it's mentioned this article is too big yeah it's a lot of reading it's a lot of reading for for a comedy podcast yeah this is way too much reading for a comedy podcast it's just a news site just like comedy news that dumbs it down for dipshits like us i just want the cliff notes yeah that's all i want yeah give me the spark monkey was that no i don't know i probably didn't have that in moses where's cliff where's cliff's notes when you need them anyway so sad well fucking hospitals and yeah somebody had to just mess it up. That's a huge, that's a massive mess up. I'm sorry for the family.

Okay, moving off to another story here. And this one, a little more of an upper. You'll get it. Food bank unknowingly distributes candy made from potentially lethal amounts of meth. And this was sent in by a handful of our kids. So we're not crediting just one. We're heading to New Zealand.

We're crediting that our kids reached out. Because sometimes when they leave the nest, they don't reach out. And that's hard for everyone. A New Zealand charity working with homeless people in Auckland. Auckland. New Zealand. Auckland with homeless people in Auckland. Auckland. Both.

New Zealand. Auckland unknowingly distributed candies filled with a potentially lethal dose of methamphetamine in its food parcels after the sweets were donated by a member of the public. Okay. Now, when you hear me say that, and I say the words like potential, like qualifying, potentially lethal, how much meth do you think were in these candies?

Do you think it was like a meth-coated marshmallow? Like a hint of meth? What do you think? I don't have a frame of reference. You don't have a meth measurement? No. Auckland City Mission said Wednesday, just in case you want to know what day it was,

that staff had started to contact up to 400 people to track down parcels that could contain the sweets, which were solid blocks of methamphetamine enclosed in candy wrappers. Have you ever eaten those candies we sent, right? No, I haven't eaten them. Of course I would eat those. I don't even like candy. You're like, shit! Fuck! The first person we called.? No, I haven't eaten them. Of course I would eat those. I don't even like candy. You're like, shit! Fuck.

The first person we called. You call, who's this? Got one. Got one. Jerry! Head on out to 22246 Buckeye. I just called him and he thought I was looking through his windows. Who is this?

Are you in my fucking, are you in my shower curtain? Got another one hang up the phone never made it as a wise man oh couldn't cut it as a hi this is who is this i was just telling you who this is Go fuck yourself, quick Go fuck yourself, I'm not paying that bitch And then you're like

And this is how You remind me Get off my roof It's not even Christmas Why are are you on my roof got another one god damn it we're six for six six for six this is gonna we're in so much trouble i think it's safe to say that uh pretty much everyone's eating the candy who's gonna who's gonna get candy and then not eat it right away like i'll save it for later yeah Yeah. No one saves candy for later. Okay.

So heading back, solid blocks of methamphetamine. Oh. Like a Jolly Rancher, but it's meth? Yeah. I don't even do meth. And I know when they use words like solid block, it's going to be bad. Picture. That's what I picture.

So Breaking Bad, the glass, the blue, like It's like a blue Jolly Rancher Yeah like a What are those Like caramel Those worthy What are they called Worthers Yeah

Those ones Three people were treated In the hospital After consuming them But were later discharged So fast It didn't say that It did not say so fast

Yeah Okay you seem to be doing fine Yes I do Have you seen my new sneakers See how fast I can run It did not say so fast Yeah Okay you seem to be doing fine Yes I do Have you seen my new sneakers See how fast I can run And just There you go Yeah I think he's fine

The amount of methamphetamine In each candy Was up to 300 times The level someone would usually take And then it says Good god And could be lethal Yeah The normal amount of meth Is a problem times the level someone would usually take and then it says good god and could be lethal yeah

the normal amount of meth is a problem they spelled is wrong they've spelled it c-o-u-l-d 300 times the level and being like that could be a problem yes the normal what the one time amount is a problem that's according to new ze Drug Foundation, which is a drug checking and policy organization that first tested the candies. Ben, Ben Bikes? Berks? Ben Berks. Ben Berks.

Ang? Yeah, I don't know. We don't have, we have ink over here. So they have A-N-G. A foundation spokesperson said, disguising drugs as the innocent goods is a common cross smuggling technique, and more of the candies might have been distributed throughout New Zealand. Here's how much that could happen here. It could happen anywhere, at any time. Like Halloween.

I mean, that's always that fear, right? Better check your lollipops. Sticking a needle in an apple or whatever the fuck it was. Your kid's just unwrapping candy and giving it to you and you just go and you spit it back out and be like, nope. That's not That's not meth. Nope. Oh! What do you want to talk about? Conspiracies?

Conspiracies about Halloween? Let's go Let's go. Mom's like, come here kids That one was meth! Daddy's gonna be up for a while. Up for a bit. Let me have a little bit more of that let me taste that candy again like peeking through the door of the closet

like your kids are hiding in their Ghostbuster costume mom's crying give me another taste hey me I wasn't sure if that was meth can I have one more taste of your worthers your lips are squishing through the door daddy you're scaring me.

Good, it's Halloween. But here's the little twist. Because, I mean, it's a homeless food, well, no, bank. Encampment? The sweets had a street value of $608 per candy. Oh, my God. See, that's a lot of money. Dude, for a homeless guy?

So instead of trying to get the money back, I think you should just sell them. Yeah. And just watch how well it works out. Nothing's gonna go wrong when you inform them they have a solid block of meth worth 608 bucks. How do you smoke a Werther's Original?

We're about to find out. Crush it up. Thanks, Grandma. And you just, in front of your grandma, you smash up a Werther's and just put it in a pipe. And you start smoking it. Just swallow the napkin, right? Isn't that what it looks like? Yeah, parachute it.

Yeah, it is. Which suggests the donation be, what the fuck was that? Is this the real sentence? The sweets had a street value of $608 per candy, which suggested the donation by an unknown member of the public was accidental rather than a deliberate attack, which makes sense to me. So like, whoops. Yeah. Like someone's kid had just a basket of candy out in the garage and then some mom was like we should

give this to the homeless shelter and then he was like you have no idea what you've done hey have you seen that have you seen it's got a candy that was fifty thousand dollars yeah she's like oh oh yeah no i donated it and he goes fuck you're gonna be in so much trouble yeah shouldn't have done that shouldn't have done that why i'll tell you i don't have time to explain but i got one in my pocket here try this suck on this and tell me you didn't just fuck up suck on this and tell me how bad you fucked up never said that before yeah this is my daddy's story say suck on this and tell me how bad you fucked up you say that to any police officer yeah it's like my dad used to say suck on this and tell me how bad you fucked up. You say that to any police officer? Yeah. It's like my dad used to say, suck on this and tell me how bad you fucked up. What?

What? That wasn't a big deal. I made it out. Good guy. Good guy. Anyway, so don't donate meth candy. You want to move off some petty beef? Yeah.

All right, let's rock it. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef Courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Beef.

Petty Beef. Petty Beef. This is Petty Beef. Would you like to read this one, honey? Sure. All right. Hey, oh, our Petty Beef was sent in by our son, Richard. I want to make sure we got Dick's name in there.

Oh, hell yeah. Fellow Dick. Fellow Dick. Hey, guys. So I've got a petty beef about my coworker who we'll call Min. Out of all names. In my end. Out of all names, we could have hypothetically called someone.

Why did we pick Min? I feel like maybe his name is like... Minnesota? Yeah, could be. Cassie's full name is Casserole? Hmm. Casserole Marie Casserole. Petty goat. Now, don't get me wrong.

I like him as a person. He's a nice dude. Where's the butt coming in? We know where the butt's coming in. Just can't stand working with him. Oh, my God. I'm sure I brought this up. One of my favorite quotes from one of my good friends in college, there was a girl that

would always hang out, and then one day she left the party, and I'm sitting there with him, and he goes, you know what? I was like, what? And he goes, it's not that I don't like her. I just can't stand to be around her. And I was like, somehow that makes sense. Yeah, you're like, I get it. Not that I don't like her.

I just can't stand to be around her. Yeah. Like, she's fine human being. She's for somebody, just not for me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's for somebody, but I'm not that somebody. It's not that I don't like her. I just can't stand to be around her.

Nobody likes her more than I do. Believe me. I just can't stand to be around her. I like her as much as the next guy. Anyway, that is it. Yeah. Anyway, perfect. So I just can't stand working with him.

Got it. So I am understanding when it comes to foot travel speed, because he's got a bum leg. That can be compensated for by using a... Jesus Christ. Let's try again. Just focus. That can be compensated for by using a cart to carry multiple cases to the same destination.

The problem I have is how slow he is at stocking the product. You want me to take it? I feel like my tongue... My tongue is sticky. I don't know why. I just feel like someone just came in my mouth. I don't know what that feels like.

Stocking the product to the shelves. While we do have to make time to rotate all the food items, especially the cold ones, it shouldn't take that long, for frack's sake. The new girl was keeping pace with him on her first day. Like, I enjoy having him on the team,

because he's a nice dude to work with, but he just can't keep up. I don't mean to imply I desire him to be fired, just that I wish he would try to keep pace better. Thing is, we're so incredibly short-staffed at the moment that we can't even find people that want to do the job.

I'm talking five to seven people at night on our team. That's barely enough to get the live freight and do the bin management and zone. Whatever the fuck that means. Must be at a little shipping yard or something. Yeah. That's not enough to regularly deal with the backroom processes top stock or sales floor inventory you know when someone complains about their job and it's very specific like a flap ejaculator yeah the inline spec and the rotary girl like it's it's such a specific

uh complaint but i still not i'm like i get it yeah dude that sucks dude fucking zones and zones and top stocks man this time of year it's top stock year uh hell if we could get four or five more people on team that'd be great but we already have been told there's not enough people uh corporate is willing to give us so it's a workplace situation who hasn't been in that you ever worked with a good friend that sucks at his job yeah yeah it is frustrating yeah you i mean love to have him in my life love to have him off my work site yeah you know what i mean oh yeah yeah like doing landscaping remember having a bud that i got hired like he needed a job and he did the interview process and would come out and help us do like these water features and then you're working with him and

he's great at being there like he was he existed but he was always finding a way to not do anything that anybody else had to do like he showed up on time he just yeah he was there he was there but he'd always like ah i don't know like are we sure we want to move that over there it's like that's exactly you fucking unroll the plan yeah that's that's yeah i'm sure i'm 100% sure grab the fucking rock but you like him he's a nice guy so you don't want to be mean to him and you're stuck in a stuck in a weird place between a rock and a hard place Yeah you are Oh that's a good landscaping joke Yeah it is dude Yeah Yeah I mean that sucks

Because you want to chew them out But you're like Dude you fucking leg Yeah His leg sucks Look at your leg Why are you here The whole time you're just trying to talk him into other jobs to have

You could sit at a desk You're like dude it sucks here right And I'm just looking at him He's like yeah it sucks You should sit at a desk. You're like, dude, it sucks here, right? And I'm just looking at him. He's like, yeah, it sucks. Like, you should get out of here. Yeah, he's like, if I was you. If I was you and I had. Dude, like, with your talents and stuff, like, you're wasting your time.

Wasting your time here. It's terrible. He goes, no, I mean, I love it here. Everyone else does everything and I don't have to do anything. Dude, I've got the perfect situation here. I mean, you do everything, and then I sit here. Yeah. And you're like, yeah, but with talents like that.

And our paychecks are the same. Yeah, no, I hear you. But, I mean, that's a great talent. And with the talent of watching everyone else do things, have you ever thought, like, getting the fuck out of here? Mm-hmm. Like, doing something else so that I don't want to kill you every day? Or, like, you've observed everybody doing their job for so long. I feel like you just have, like, all this, you this you soaked up all this knowledge you should work for the government

yeah that'd be perfect then you just sit back and then like five of you could look at a hole and then one person will do it and you won't go do that i know that's kind of a a joke it's not a joke but it's also very true 100 true and uh so for people out there who work in that industry Well, they know it too. Do you like that's what I'm wondering like do you guys know that you're doing that like when when I drive by and there are six people working on a site and One of them's digging and five of them are standing around a circle watching the other guy dig Like do you guys talk about that on the site like is it knowledge yeah or is it just people observing it and there's a lot of hard workers in that field but that joke

exists for a reason and i've worked at jobs like that 100 so it's a it's a real thing and don't get me wrong these also happens in the private sector it does but the the dudes that i'm talking about are way harder workers than I am. They're way stronger. They could kick my ass. I'm not going to sit here and say that I would do a better job. I'm curious. Do you guys know that you do that?

Yeah. Write it. Hey, guys. What's your personal email? No. Hey, guys. Acaniedontpodcast.com. Go ahead and send that in.

You are better men than i am but i've had this happen in in and chicks in recent jobs too like somebody is so bad but they're so into it but you just catch all like it's just like oh my god but they're like they seem to be trying really hard they're just not good at what they're doing and you just spend a lot of time fucking up the shit that they're doing yep yep and it's it's hard to address and especially if you're not the boss you're not the one making the calls but i would i get there's been a point where i have brought it up to the boss and be like dude i'm spending like hours a day fixing shit that shouldn't have to be fixed fixing other people's problems sucks i mean yeah probably you know part of having co-workers and all that kind of thing but it just if it just goes on and it's not sparse enough it becomes an issue and i don't think that

you're a bad person to to bring this up i don't think you are you can still like somebody as a but if it's interfering with your job and your workplace, and I guess if it has a tie into your job and your employment specifically, you're not working fast enough, and you're like, well, fucking yeah, I know. Look! Watch it! That's a tough spot to be in because there are so many things. The work industry has so many things to protect disability things like that and not that people with disabilities shouldn't have

jobs but i wonder if certain disabilities shouldn't be well yeah we just talked about like i was just talking about shaky hands at the barber. Still did a great job, but also seems like maybe shouldn't be cutting hair if your hands are uncontrollable. I'm sure you're a great person, but maybe this isn't the job. She didn't stab me, she just flapped me in the face

with a comb. A lot. Companies should be able to... I don't know. I feel like... I'm going to get in trouble, but I feel like a company should be able to say I'm know i feel like i don't know like i said i'm gonna get my trouble but i feel like some companies should be able to say like i'm sorry if you can't well that's why they're at a certain pace sorry we just yeah and they will it's a that's why they have the lift 50 pounds thing on the front end too like that also is a qualifier a lot of jobs like if you can't

lift 50 pounds you can't have this job that's a real thing it's not about disability it's just what you need to do the job and it's not yeah i'm not necessarily talking about disability it's the uh not just because you exist it's weird you'll get fired for other reasons i'm trying to phrase this to where it doesn't sound insensitive or terrible but like there are things that we exist in a world and in a perfect world everyone would be able to do everything right but we don't live in a perfect world where everyone can do everything so sometimes people will just yeah you don't get jobs off the intellect level like it's through yeah and it just and it's unfortunate but maybe there's something else out there for them yeah and they're

oh usually 100 always is 100 so i think so this guy needs to do that i think he needs yeah i think he needs to confront it if it's really becoming a problem but he's also talking about not having the right amount of poise so i don't know maybe it's not your call unless you're the you're the boss man figure it out you can go out recruit hire somebody but we've all been in that shitty situation where a co-worker's holding you back because your job is tied to something i think every job ever every company ever has that thing i've worked at many different places and there's always been the same complaint that the management needs to hire more whatever it is it's always like we're understaffed or

we're overworked that's just a thing that exists yeah yeah well instead of giving you more money we'll have a pizza party which i mean better than not a pizza party you know that meme where the guy's like just slaps the thing on the water tank seal it's like uh oh you know disgruntled employees and overworked and everything. And she's like, slap. Pizza party. Pizza party. Yeah. Solves everything. Yeah.

So I think you have to confront it. That's what I think. All right. Well, this is good news. I don't have high hopes, but it's a step in the right direction. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

We are doomed. Yeah! Is it just me or does anybody else want to hear that fucking sex zombie drum fill? Good God. Forgot how bad it is. Come on.

You can feel it. I can't. Not quite there. sorry guys i know it's a lot yes I hope that ends up on a movie soundtrack somewhere. It's madness, dude. Can you imagine that on a rom-com somewhere? Better beware. Dude, that's the biggest drum set I've ever heard. He just flipped his stool in a full 360.

Alright, so good news. FTC bans fake online reviews. Oh, good. Again, so not having high hopes that the fake reviews existed in the first place. You ban them. It's not like everyone's going to be like, okay, FTC. But it's a step in the right direction. In a significant move to safeguard consumers and promote fair competition,

the Federal Trade Commission, also known as Threesome Sex, has announced a new rule that bans fake online reviews and testimonials. I bought this product. It was great for my miniature build. I am a real person. I am a real person, not a bomb. Threesome sex miniature build. This rule, which comes

after extensive public consultation and careful consideration. What the fuck you considering? What are they considering? Talk normal. They're like, it's fucking everything up. And some guy's like, no, I hear you. I hear you.

Listen, we're going to go back and talk about this. We're just not quite sure if it's all bad to have fake reviews. How is it not? No, I hear you. No, you make good points. You make good points about how terrible it is, and it's probably not a good idea, but we're going to go talk about it. We're going to go into a room.

Go back to a room and order some shit. And have threesome sex. Threesome sex. Tug on my nipples. And a pizza party. And a pizza party while you tug on my nipples. They're going to crack down on the deceptive practices that have plagued online marketplaces for years. FTC Chair Lena M. Kahn emphasized the importance of this new rule, stating,

Fake reviews not only waste people's time and money, but also pollute the marketplace and divert business away from honest competitors. By strengthening the FTC's toolkit to fight deceptive advertising. The final rule will protect Americans from getting cheated, but business, uh, yeah. Put businesses that unlawfully game the system on notice and promote markets that are fair, honest,

and competitive. Great. Where were you 20 years ago? Like, this is new? Like, someone walked in there, like, people are doing, we're getting sick of the fake reviews. Everyone is sitting at the, like, at the. The what? So, the fake ones? So, this isn't real?

Hi. Hi. This suitcase is great. Drives around perfectly. Always stays in close connection with me in the airport. Never loses connection. Would recommend for everybody in my family. No problems. Motorized

suitcase. 10 out of 10. A real person said that. I'm a real person. And then the next 15 reviews are like, lost it in the bathroom and it ran into someone's shins. And it refused to leave the bathroom because I couldn't

connect to the Bluetooth. And then you read the one and it's like, not sure why people are complaining about the suitcase hitting others in the shins. Mine's never hit anyone in the shins. And it's not a bomb. 10 out of 10. Would recommend for children. Fun for children. Great Christmas gift idea.

If I had the option, I'd have my kid go as a motorized suitcase for halloween i have four different colors four different colors all follow me perfectly 10 out of 10 it's like of course yeah it's but where were you where were you i don't i don't have high hopes that they're gonna pull it off but at least they're looking at it yeah at least something's at least that it's being acknowledged i got fucked over uh i mean whatever a few months ago but i was buying um i was buying some face cream some nice face cream off of amazon and i was looking at them and there was the one and then there was one always a red flag that was like

eight dollars less but it was the same one i just had to wait longer and that's not like super uncommon i was like yeah well i don't it's like not prime or something my face will make it four more days like no matter what lotion i put on it it's gonna be great and so i bought the other one and it showed up and i opened it up and it was like fucking sticking my fingers in cream cheese like it was i was like what the fuck is this is that bad what is that bad yeah face lotion is usually light and fluffy because you don't want it to clog the pores oh that makes sense yeah i just grab whatever i can yeah and this was just like cream cheese and so i i was like this doesn't feel right and i still had my old face cream that was the same one i'm looking at the labels and they're close but one's a little

smaller and then one the original one had the peel off label and this one, you peeled it off and it peeled off, but then there was nothing underneath it. So they just left off half the details. And when I went and looked at the reviews and it was like, great. Like it just had this great reviews works perfect. And then I went back and I was like,

did I, did I not do any sort of research when i was buying this and then it was shut down so amazon was like this is cream cheese you can't people can't be rubbing cream cheese on their face tasted great with a cracker and they took and they was able to refund it but that i mean it exists and at the time i looked at it it had hundreds of reviews that you know was bouncing between four and three to make it look realistic. And it was just some people that were putting whatever the fuck they wanted, some kind of lotion that was super cheap and trying to pass it off as a nicer face lotion. I know.

So hopefully the FTC is getting their shit together. This next one, whatever, just do it. Zap! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! So this one falls in that category of just shit that I would never think of. Okay. And we've done that before with science-y kind of things. There's just bigger brains out there. But this particular one, the cons seem obvious to me. And I'm not going to watch a video, but maybe we will. But the problem with it is that it's a bunch of like science startup bros that have this idea that could have giant impacts, terrible negative impacts.

And they made a video with a hot air balloon. No. And they were so pumped. And I was like, there's no one thinking any time about this but it's worth bringing up because the idea of it is cool on the surface so new startup wants to sell you sunlight after dark using mirrors what could go wrong exactly but the concept i have to agree is a pretty fucking cool idea and it it's not new. I think the... Fuck.

Something in my brain is telling me like the Soviets, which is always a good sign when they're doing something, that it's probably a good idea to expand on it. Call me Uncle Zach Kitzley. Ah, yeah.

Are they still Soviets? Way back... Well, this is when they did it back in the 60s. Oh, okay. So the Soviets did something similar. The sun sets at night. What?

Let's try again. The sun sets and night falls sooner or later for each of us, but a startup wants to change that. California-based Reflect Orbitals has developed a way to sell sunlight after dark. Reflect Orbitals is building space mirrors to reflect sunlight onto solar panels at night. Good idea, in a sense. The goal is to maximize solar farms' energy production. According to their official website, you can also book

a spot of light for yourself. They're like buying a star. Also a fun way to prank your friend. That's how I read that. You're up late. Your friend went home after a night at the bars. You're like, alright, get out you pussy. Oh yeah, drink me under the table.

See you tomorrow, kick baseball practice. And then he goes home and you just order sunlight in his window at 3am. Just get a glare. Yeah, just like, boop, boop, boop. Just mirrors like, meh. Put in the in the coordinates yes and it just shoots the sunlight straight yeah and he's like fuck 7 a.m already and he walks out it's just a beam of light coming out of his house and you're

out front going fuck you still drinking fuck you brian yep fucking nerd Oh come on You got me I only been asleep for 30 minutes I knew something was way off By precisely reflecting sunlight That is endlessly available in space To specific targets on the ground We can create a world where sunlight Powers solar farms for longer than just daytime

And in doing this Commoditize sunlight They said on a YouTube video Oh here we go powers solar farms for longer than just daytime. And in doing this, commoditized sunlight, they said on a YouTube video. Oh, here we go. The Russians launched a reflector satellite back in the 1990s. Were they Soviets then? Eh, they got it at the end of it, no. Okay. And it worked!

Cold War's coming in in the 80s. And we've come a long way since then. So basically, they have this video where in order to test their concept they hung a gigantic motorized mirror off a fucking hot air balloon and then shined it down at little solar reflectors to like make sure that the energy increase was going up picturing like beams going all these different directions just beams everywhere you okay, so again, the purpose of bringing this up today

was just saying that this is out there. Not saying it's a good idea. But if you think light pollution is bad now, imagine a company that was able to cover the planet in mere satellites and then just shoot light back where it's supposed to be dark.

There's just no darkness ever. I mean, I'd be fine with that. I mean, it seems like global warming would be an issue. Seems like day and night cycles for animals would be an issue. Yeah. Just shooting light. And then just beams coming down, light pollution is going to be a disaster.

Kind of one of those things that just because you can do it doesn't mean you should type of scenarios. But yeah, I mean, you have the mirrors and you have like a solar farm or solar farms and it goes dark. And then the light from the mirrors just bounces it around the earth because they're in a perfect spot. And you just bounce it back around and shoot it back right down on a solar panel. So that they always get power. Doesn't it just feel like they should just build bigger solar farms? Yeah. Like you could take the whole bottom half of fucking or bottom right half of Nevada or any of those that just have thousands, millions of acres of just desert and just put solar farms all over

i heard elon say one time he's like we could power the world if they just with the space that they could fill up with solar farms and down in the southwest yeah desert i mean trust everything he he says no i know but i'm kidding he's smart and's like, maybe what he's saying is far-fetched. It's right there. But it's... Their potential is there. Like, I would rather see something like that than, like, trying to get sun at night. Like, just...

But think about a birthday party. I mean, on a... At 4 a.m.? On a personal level, like, you're having a birthday party and the sun goes down at 7.30. Not on your birthday. Sometimes it's nice when the sun goes down at 7 30 not on your birthday sometimes it's nice when the sun goes down but what if you want to you're just out back just playing in your backyard you mean as a kid or an adult an adult yes you have your friends over having fun light it up yeah but you ever have i mean it's kind of nice to have that day and then

it goes night you can light a fire also pretending like lights don't exist yeah but i'm just trying to have fun with it you know like you gotta get a tan in before your big trip and you've missed you've fucked it up again you didn't get to go to the tanning salon tan at 3 a.m just get out just lay out in your backyard last second it gets so cheap it's like five bucks five bucks for a half hour sun in your backyard imagine what the malfunctions would be like on a thing like that oh we burned your neighbor's yard down sorry about that or or getting getting like fried like an ant under a fucking magnifying glass yeah cyber attack and they point all the mirrors at one spot and just torch it i mean it really would fuck up so much of nature because you have nocturnal animals that if there was no nocturnal.

I never would have saw the slug sex. Yeah. That's for sure. If I had a mirror from the space. Slug sex. Slug sex. How many mirrors could they possibly have? Because this is for your house, right?

Yeah. And the pollution of satellite pollution. Oh, fuck. It's already bad. I know. But anyway, I just want to make sure everyone was aware of it. Well, and the rays. Like, you'd get no break from uv rays so if your neighbor has the light going that means you probably have it too so you're like oh fucking tom again with a stupid

light can't stand the sun man the hoas it's just like sorry you can't have no political signs and no mere suns no mere suns after 10 a.m. 10 p.m. And you're like, come on. Yeah. Keep with the times. I'd say it's a cool concept that we could even consider doing that, like the progress that we've made. But just because you can. Just build more solar farms and store more energy. Right.

All right. Let's hear from some of the kids. Hey, Zach, will you do it? Hey, you guys. All right. Let's hear from some of the kids. Hey, Zach, will you do it? Hey, you guys! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

I always love when emails start like this. This is coming from our local son, Alex. He says, hey, fuck nuts! I do like that. And Uncle Zach. So I was listening to episode 67. Steve Urkel Please sauna Bus driver

Let me say this Steve Urkel Please sauna bus driver And the story about the lady who Jumped into an outhouse To get her shit covered Apple watch Reminded me of a shitty experience I had I remember that story

So gross So good So I had to I drive garbage trucks In the Spokane Spokane Valley area Andokane, Spokane Valley area. And my company, beautiful Spokane Valley, a company I use also delivers service portable toilets. So one day I had to do the service part of the portable toilets.

I was done with my route, or my route, however you say it, and I had to help the other guy because his truck broke down. Fucking hell. Another co-worker. I was at a big construction site and I was doing literally the last unit of the day. My truck tank was getting full and I can get the last one, right?

Well, the hose quit sucking up the piss shit water and I figured it was a clog because these dipshits have a habit of throwing shirts and stuffing them toilets. I start to go through the procedure of unclogging the

hose by unhooking it while the pump is still on. Turns out it wasn't clogged! Nice. It was full. And as soon as I undid the clamps to the hose it shoots off in a stream of blue shit water hits me full in the in the face you know i'll give you i'll give you a party horn right now god completely covering my head to toe in the forbidden blue water.

Thankfully, I was able to force the hose back on and clamp it. It was wearing my sunglasses. I had my mouth closed. I then poured about 100 gallons of clean water onto myself to rinse it off and was spraying the simple green cleaning spray all over my body. I just got in the truck, called my boss and went back to the yard. I parked the truck and went straight to my car to do just fucking take a bus

or something. And then at home to scrub the fuck out of my body in the hottest shower I've ever taken in my life was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I hope my shit covered adventure makes you giggle your shit covered son alex that is so gross what a nightmare i'd be worried about that industrial cleaner too yeah well i think isn't simple green supposed to be i don't know something simple something safe hopefully yeah godspeed alex dude when we when we uh do you feel the chunks Like when the clamp breaks Do you feel chunks of shit hitting you in the face

Like little pebbles See little pieces of corn I didn't have any corn When we took the RV out for the first time And after we bought it So other people used it And we Emptied out the tanks

At the end And I remember pulling out the the tub and there was like little brown in it i'm like this is somebody else's shit tube and it's their poop like and i you know it like it kind of splashed a couple times on my hand and it was just like i wanted to i wanted to slip my throat right there. And I just had a couple little. Little poop splatters. And it was just the water. It wasn't just straight poop. It was like poop in the water.

So just a couple of speckles. And I was so disgusted. I couldn't imagine getting a face full of someone else's shit. It's awful. You guys want to learn something about poopy corn? Yes. Here's a little early Uncle Zach slap. Oh, yeah.

Sit down. A lot of people like to say you know oh that corn i chewed that corn and they did and it's actually just the skin of the corn filled with poop so yeah good stuff just real simple yeah i read that who knows the internet lies to me pretty much every second of the day so i didn't look into it so okay that also makes sense since it does you chew the corn. It's like you have a little packing department in your colon. Now you know.

It's a little big. It's a piece of poop. I think you should do some research to see if that's true. I'll do that. I thought I did. Yeah. I feel like you know your research. Why lie about that?

For this show, it is minimal. Sorry. Alright, well, our second email coming in from another local son of ours, Troy. He writes, Hey, assholes. What is it with you? Grateful.

Sorry, I meant dads. Am I definitely not communist Uncle Zach? Thank you. Just wanted to let you know, I've been a silly goose for quite a while now and decided to upgrade. Fuck yeah, brother. Not for the benefits, just for the logic. What I mean is, I pay somewhere around 17 bucks-ish a month for Netflix

to occasionally find something funny and entertaining. Whereas every Monday you guys give me entertainment on my commute to hell by busting my gut laughing. So thank you guys and Zach. I'm also a proud patron of Just The Ride. Thank you.

Keep doing what you do. As a Washington native, unfortunately moved from east to west now, I love listening to you guys and will keep supporting you as long as I can afford it. Not sorry for the long email. Hope the punctuation and spelling

was manageable for BWYEN! Good thing I didn't have to read it. Spelled fanatically. P.S. I don't remember, most likely, but FUCK OFF for shitting on my hometown, Ellensburg. It smells like poo, though. It does, but I always stop in Ellensburg. Some Subway sandwiches that smell like poo?

It's the place where you stop at Wendy's or whatever. I mean, I grew up in Moses Lake. That smells like poo, too. Yeah, it smells like a lot of different things Yeah probably because Right next to Ellensburg We were close enough Yeah that's probably where the smell

Is coming from Thank you Troy Of course Sorry for shitting on your hometown But Thanks silly Do you say super duper Super duper

Fuck yeah brother Love it Love it Remember if you want to be a super duper You get your name on the website Yes you do Alright and if you want to do that Segway Segway Patreon.com Slash can you don't podcast You get your name on the website. Yes, you do. And if you want to do that, segue.

Segue. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Subscribe to the YouTube channel for the video version. And if there's something you want to see on the show, you send it in to heyguys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Rate and review us. Check out what Uncle Zach's doing. Definitely not commie.

Meh, I'm not sold. Scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. Everything he's doing. Then a big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Facebook page. The playground on there. So go join that if you haven't. Joke.

Ready? Go. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Why did the toddler stay up all night in the prison cell? He was resisting arrest. That's funny. It is funny.

Doesn't want to nap. Doesn't want to nap. But, you know. Doesn't want to go to bed. What if I said that? Why did the toddler stay up all night in the prison cell? Why? He didn't nap.

Yeah! Something feels missing with that joke. Oh, sorry. Resisting a rest. Yeah. Perfect. A rest. All right, bonus shit. Let's do it.

Send us off. Bye. Woo!