Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Breakfast Blackout. Gooning. Sexy Birds. Gameboy Color.

Episode Date: February 18, 2026

Do you know what gooning is? Yeah you do... you little slut. *bites lip* Let's talk about that, how sexy birds can be with a human ass, another murderous elephant rampage, soliciting a prostitute while driving a school bus, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/MAKPLisBpPASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Breakfast blackout. Gooning. Sexy Birds. Game Boy Color. I'm all flustered. It feels very much like that. A lot of moving pieces today. Yeah, just trying to make it happen.

My fucking chrome is frozen, then it's un-frozen, then it just closed, and now it's open. Just fuck! You know what I mean? You guys get it. There are many... Here we go. Not many things that fucking annoying more than

like computers not working. I've watched it first hand. It's just when something that's supposed to work doesn't work, it drives me fucking insane. I was at your house and I think we were, you asked me to just kind of take a look at your, like an audio

set up that you had going for a like a parody song that you were making. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And did some stuff. And you sat down and you like went to move a slide. and it wasn't moving and like you went from like within two attempts I'm being like it didn't move and he just went what the fuck and I was just like God and then you just went okay so you could move this over here god damn it I'm just like how is this computer still

intact yeah yeah you really don't you don't care for it you no no no no no I don't I don't I'll try not to lose it uh episode 192 of can you don't thanks for being here that email to send in stuff. Hey guys at candy don't podcast.com. When does this one come out, Joe? And I have no idea. Fucking sometime mid-February, which is nuts. Yeah, so the honkathons rolling on. We had some big subscribers just in the last couple days before recording this one.

I do remember that. So thank you guys for jumping in there and supporting us as we work our way through the honkathon. We're doing lap time on the show today. What do we fucking do it? We're going to go into some weird practices and habits that our ancestors used to do. Are we going to talk about sex stuff?

Some of kind of. What? Sex parts. Didn't go to back that far, but that would have been better. Just imagine like Neanderthal is just fucking bending over a rock. I said, I didn't shave my pubes again. Why know? I know.

That's how I knew you were here. I can smell you from 300 yards. Yeah, you feel. fucking come. Yeah, we thought the ancient Roman days were smelly. Reminder,

got that new Joey Hogbone, come for the hog, stay for the bone merch with the buttons. You know, we need a Harley like an Asian rev sound. As soon as we thought of all that,

then we started diving into this marathon to make sure we were all caught up. But we will get that. Get a little Harley, Harley War. That'd be scary movie. Like,

that's what you hear, you know? Kind of maximum overdrive kind of vibe. Mm, yeah. Like, things are fine. It's quiet. You just hear, just your, this goes, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

oh, shit. Full throttle! It was like, just reverb, so it sounds like it's just echoing all around you. Have you tried the naked hogbone bun burger?

Yeah. Don't look at the eyes. You got that. Alright, let's get into the show Let's just fire this bitch up. Zat! Fuck! Hey, shut up.

Stop the show already. Okay. Stop the circle, K and got a big old fucking... That was it, a polar pop. Yeah, brother. That's how they market that? They're cheap.

It's like a whole 32-ounce drink for 99 cents. I think they're all 99 cents. How do they do it? They do it, though, because it's almost like everywhere else is overpriced. If you go to a restaurant and you order a meal and you get a pop, it's like four bucks for a drink. Yeah. I know it's unlimited,

but I'm getting way more than this because they fill it all the way up with ice. They know what they're doing, fucking assholes. All right, do you want to read this? This little show starter here? No.

I got it then. I got it. Okay. Okay. Nope. Who's doing it? You. Okay.

Oh, yeah, I have a coin. Ladies first. Now we have a coin that actually has results. Heads. You want heads? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Tails.

Fuck. Sent in from Jacob. Yeah, he had a few options. So we went ahead and just took two of And put them together here Here we go every morning When you wake up Every morning there's a

I'm sorry Yeah It is a catchy song Yeah but imagine like You know how they have This is such a side track But when people do like Piano covers and shit

And they have to play the vocal melody Along with it And they're playing that one The piano keys just fucking Yeah da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da I suppose you can just let it ring out. I didn't understand. I didn't understand.

How do you. Just some most basic shit. Just dueling pianos. You guys fucking rock, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, pink, pink, pink, pink. It's just fucking the same floor. Every morning when you wake up, you have absolutely no understanding of how reflections work. I mean, like you'll learn throughout the day, but you'll completely forget again when you wake up the next day.

Okay. So seeing yourself in the mirror. Just terrified. Or you constantly emit an odorless pheromone. Ferrimon. That makes every spider within a hundred yards. That's one football field. want to mate with you.

They're going to come running, brother. Just rock hard spider cocks. Mm-hmm. You can hit the nine legs. Yeah, it's dragon one. Do they have, they're spider dicks? What are they doing? It feels like they'd be one.

They're laying eggs. Do spiders have a penis? That's a great question. In their thorax? Ooh. Spiders do not have a penis. Instead, male spiders use specialized appendages near their mouths called petapy. Alps.

All right. Was that the right? That sounded right. To transfer sperm to females. Oh, so they're snowballing? They're loaded with sperm from a web, then insert into the female's genitaly opening, the epigen, epigine, during mating. Okay. So he just spits sperm into her when they're doing it.

You're pregnant. I wonder if it feels good, though. I mean, it's weird because animals are like, everything is like. like we're all like designed the where DNA is like we need to inject this into that to make more. But luckily for us, it feels good. Yeah. But for spiders, they're just like, blah. It's just a part of their day.

Yeah. And then a lot of times the females kill the male spider afterwards. Yeah, eat them up. So you don't even get pleasure before you die. You're making a web and you're like a weird, you're like, why do I have the weird urge you just throw up in some shit? Let me go do that real quick. And then runs through the bushes. They like,

Bye. And then she chases him down and bites his head off. Where's your web? Over here. Mine now. Thanks for the house, nerd. It's a vacation rental now. Yeah, it is.

Okay. So spiders wanting, in this case, they're going to show up because we have clearly done our research now. They want to show up and just like throw up come into your stomach. So you're not, yeah, you're not getting. needle-dicked by a... Yeah, you're not getting rock hard. Not getting boned up.

But they, you don't have the, uh, epigen or epigine. So they think they're trying to cut one? So they would just be spitting up all over you. So you'd get little spider sperm all over your skin. Or they find any sort of orifice opening, yeah. It could be a pore, like the pores in your skin maybe. Yeah. There's filling up your pores with spider jizz.

And it turns out it's amazing for skin treatment. Exfolating. Yeah. Okay. There are how many spiders right now within one football field? Four of us. You're going to go with 400 trillion? Four gurgillian.

Gargill. So how many square feet is a football field? Well, let's just do with a circumference of 100 yards. Hang on. Okay. How square feet is a football field? 57,000 square feet. 57.5 square thousand feet.

Square thousand feet. Square thousand. thousand square feet. Killing it. Your computer's, by the way, not plugged in, Brian. Oh, he'll get to that. It's in. It's just not all the way in.

Oh, yeah. So how many spiders in 57,000 square feet? That's just one football field, though. That's not covering the full 360. I'm assuming you're like in the middle of the football field. It's still, the math's going to be off. Oh, I see what you mean.

Wait, hold on. Is it, it's at a distance? within a hundred yards. So it's a full 100 yards circle around you. It's actually 200 yards on each side. Sorry, it's 200 yards because you're in the middle. You're spinning the circle. Yeah, we're doing the pie thing, baby.

Okay. I got it now. All right. So what we're doing is the full diameter of 100 yards. So how many square feet are four football fields, right? No. No, we have to spin the football field. We're not making an X, like all the in-betweens, right?

You got to catch the whole paragraph. No, I know, but it's on the end of the football field. We're on one end zone, and the limit is the other end zone. And so you do that. I'm just, I just know there's a better way. What is the answer? What is the math equation? I feel like just a quick one would be just taking four football fields.

And you guys remember foil. Come on. Yeah. Dude, it's been a long time since I was in school and did math. What? Here's the thing, though, like I'm looking. and listening to your looking, you're here, I'm listening to your math. I don't, I can't remember up the top of my head how to solve it. I just know what you're saying is wrong.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, no, that's not it. Yeah. Yeah. You can't give me a better option, though. I can't. I guess I just don't know how to solve it. Anyway, so there's a lot of spiders. I'm just going to do even just, how many spiders are around me right now? A few hundred to over a million, a few hundred to over a million spiders in 57,000 square feet. So it's way more than that. Could be a few million. On average, there are about 62 spiders per home, up to 131 per square meter in some environments. We're not going to get an accurate count. Areas like lawns, small spiders might be under your shoes or within three centimeters.

When you guys laying down like tiny spiders or like this is? I was thinking about that too. I love a good grass lay though. You're not going to stop me. I'm not that scared. When we like when they're not trying to fuck me in this in this case It would be swarm you if you lay down for a second you'd be covered in so many Do you remember arachnophobia?

Come the movie spiders You remember a racknophobia when they're outside and all spiders are in the grass chasing after him That's fun I don't think I even got through that movie Oh too much It was too much What was the opening scene with the person was sleeping right and it's crawling in their mouth I don't remember

I don't remember any of it I was really young. And I remember my stepdad being like, Are you sure? And I was like, what's do it? And I immediately been like, I put on Barney again.

This was a bad idea. I jump from ABCs to fucking hell. Do spider, just does one spider scary? Are you like a, are you recognizing? Yeah, neither.

I'm scared of it. You know, the bigger they get, the scarier they are. It's what my dad always said. When they get jumping and shit, yeah. That's wild.

When they, they don't do what I want them to do. Like a quick little guy on the floor can be a little startling too. But when they're big and they can jump, that's where they're breaking the two-ne plane into a very aggressive fear. Well, the house spiders around here, you know, the, hobo spiders, the wolf. So, I mean, they're, they're the size. They're bigger than a quarter. Yeah, like a 50 cent piece. If you're out, let's say you're outside and you see one walking around, they're like, man, it's a big spider.

but if they're in your house, it's completely different. Like, if you're just sitting, like, in my basement, where my studio is, there are coiled up, curled up dead spiders in the edges. And so I know they're in there. So it's different when you're outside, but if you're in your room and you see one walking by your foot, it's a little more. I'm not scared of spiders, but if you see that, it's a little like, or if it crawled up, I was laying on the couch and one crawl on my arm,

and it's enough to go, I had one drop not too long ago from the ceiling. Yeah. Watching TV and I just saw it drop onto the pillow I was laying up. Yeah. And I just like, pick my head up and I was like, no. So we're not doing this. And so I'm not, but now they want to fuck you and spit come on you.

I'm not terrified of spiders. But if I see that, I would probably do that through and we're like, where you just say, you say something that doesn't make sense because you're just going. Yeah. And then, and then you'd take a second to go,

okay. Yeah. It was just, it was fine. I thought it was a semi-truck. Yeah. But now there's a million of them coming after. you're trying to mate and sperm on you.

How terrifying it would be, but you live in a world where you at least are remembering everything from day to day besides reflections and how they work. I think I can deal with that. You would think every time you look at a mirror that someone is behind you

or something trying to attack you. But how many times? Like babies can figure it out. Cats, dogs, they figure it out. The first time would suck. Well, yeah, but every day's the first time. I know. Oh, like that morning, you're like, whoa.

The first time in the morning. But you would never remember that first scare. So every time. Every time it's like brand new. But any reflection, like lights, cars, you're driving and something, you see something in a mirror. Yeah, because you don't always look at yourself in a mirror. So you might be. Oh, that would be, it would be trippy.

Do you think it would completely debilitate you? Yeah. You think you would be like just unable to function in the world right now if you don't understand how these work? I don't know because when you're a baby, other animals can do it. I can't. I can do it. It's like a cat or a deer, like really understands how reflections work.

They're just like, oh, shit, that's weird. Dumbass. But what am I going to do about it? And they just move on with their little life. Oh, fuck, that's crazy. What are you mad about? You hate deer? I'm talking shit about deer, yeah.

Oh, wow, I didn't know that. I know you didn't like that. They're just really dumb. Especially around here, really dumb. You mean this, like this? Oh, yeah. Exactly that. That's the look.

That's the dumb. That's the dumb right there. That's the look that deserves death from Carr. Good Lord. Yeah, I know. You realize you had such vitriol for deer. So much love. I'm fucking dumb.

Sorry. Okay. I'm going to pick that. I'm not going to live in a world where spiders are trying to fucking spill. And how long is that? All the time. Constantly your life. Constantly.

Constantly, they're trying to get you. God. Yeah, that's out. I'm going to risk being scared, a frightened little deer out there in the world in trying to understand how reflections work. I'm not getting come, fucking come swap by a couple spiders.

I'm just picturing last night we went to down in the movie theater to watch a movie. Yeah, and we went to watch Anaconda. It was pretty funny. Does it make you feel good? Yeah, sure. Good.

It was fun. But just thinking that, like, you're in the movie theater and you're like, because it's dark, you know, and they're just fucking spiders after you. You can't relax.

Can't relax. But you know, they're not trying to hurt you. trying to come on you. Yeah. Ugh. Just constantly covered spider chum. Just like flicking them off you.

You couldn't have a life. We couldn't have a life. You get, the thing is is you would get, you wouldn't be afraid of spiders anymore. Like you would just get you, it would just be more of a nuisance. But it would be constant, dude.

You'd have to sleep and live in a steel box. Because you couldn't just relax and have some bread. Yeah. The spider's always trying to fuck you and spit you come on you. Yeah, I'll just be terrified once a day. Yeah, that's it. I'm picking that one.

Let's move off to what are you thinking about. Zach, would you be so kind, please. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit.

What are you thinking about? As we get older, our prostates. I just kidding. We're not talking about that. As we get older, brains, they've always been a little bit of a mystery, right? Sure. I mean, all across all of humanity,

and I do particularly think about this when you're listening to someone who's really smart and it's a couple stages you hear them say something my first thought is always

wow my second one was I'm really dumb yeah and then the next one is wait how smart are they based on our limitations to sense and perceive as humans

to aliens they might just be fucking and they're like yeah no this is all this and to you you're like well I mean that sounds good and we have the equipment to do

this stuff and you have all the proof in the world. But it's all based on our made up human measurements. So again, how smart are we? And I have that same kind of thought track every time something like that happens. But when it comes down to just basic shit

in an everyday life, I know we've talked about on the show about when you, like something gets moved in your house and it will take you a full year to stop going to this one spot for your silverware or for the trash can.

Like you just, you have an autopilot mode and your brain cannot do it and it takes a really long time for it to figure it out. And then there's like other tasks that I find myself getting worse and worse as I get older. Like it almost feels like you're half blacked out. And we can all relate to the driving thing. That just progressively gets worse and worse where you are, you're like, okay, I am leaving to drive to Joe's house to record a podcast. And then the next thing you know, you're in my driveway. You could have killed a family on the way. You could have stolen a car and then stole

your other car back. And then you just woke up here. And you're like, oh, shit, all right, time to do this. I think that here, let me just chime in real quick. The thing that's weird about that to me, though, is that's a, that's a macro thought. Like when you get there, like, whoa, how did I get here? Uh-huh. But the micro thought is, you're a way. when you're driving. There's something about when you reach the destination that your brain like tricks you. It's a little worried. It's like, wait, wait, what?

But the whole time, like, you were focused. You know, you just, when you think on the large scale, you're like, I wasn't paying attention at all. I think they call it automaticity. Yeah, that sounds about right. Would you call me? Nice, dude. Fucking, better watch your goddamn mound, bro. And progressively worse when it comes to taking medication as I get older.

Like, I have to, I come up with a checkpoint where. I will take, because I have like a morning, some morning medication and then nighttime medication. Jesus Christ. It's one pill, you fucking asshole. It's for my heart. Younger than I am, dude. And I have to, I have to take it and I look myself in the mirror. You're fucking freak out about the reflection.

Every time you're about to take a pill, you're terrified. No, but I take it and I will look myself in the mirror and I'm like, you just took your medication. To try and create some sort of check. point because the amount of times that if I miss it up an hour later, I'm like, did I fucking take that? Like, you had to black out for, like, that's 20 seconds of just being like, I don't know. And later in the day, you're, you, but then you're trying to remember like, when I told myself that I took the pill was that yesterday? Today.

Or was that today? Anyway, yes. So you get it. One of the tricks to remembering stuff is to make it dirty. That was Socrates. Like shove it in my ass? Like, if you take the memory and you turn it into something like shoving it. into your ass.

Like, I need to take the socks out. Did it, you just remember a sock in your butt hole? And they put them into my ass? Your brain will remember a sock coming out of your butt hole better than just a sock. This is awesome. It's Socrates, I think, or Plato. Socrates? Soccer knees.

I know that game. It does work, though. Yeah, that makes sense. I just feel like based on the same kind of on the back of what Brian was just saying, that if every morning I'm just shoving or thinking about shoving pills up my ass, eventually I'm going to be like, was I thinking about doing that yesterday? Was that this morning? I'd switch it up.

Put it in your pee hole. Ooh. Yeah. But don't actually do it. Right. You just think about it. It's a mental thing. Okay.

But it's your life. Socrates's life hack? Yeah. You know, as Socrates always said, just think about shoving a pill up your penis. Penis, you'll never forget it. Anyway, follow me for more tips and tricks. Just the tips and tricks? Aristotle's like, dude, that's a terrible idea.

It would have been. He's like, that's quoth. We're not doing that. What, dude, no way. But I had one of these happen just a couple days ago. I had a weird run there, didn't I? I feel like the last couple, like, what are you thinking about? So I brought to the table over just a couple days ago.

You're losing it, dude. I think I am, dude. And this one was wild because it was morning stuff, took my pill. You just took your medicine, Joseph, into the mirror. And then don't you forget it. I want you to know you to remember you did this. So at noon, you don't take two and stop your heart. Have a good day.

Or later this evening. Or later this is three. Take three of you just took three of them. It's usually the morning one. But my brain is awake enough by the end of the day. Anyway, so morning, a shower, pill, go out and I'm making breakfast and I have a busy day. I got a lot of work things to do. Had been thinking about them.

some work dreams. It was always fun, right? Yeah, nothing really spices up your work life, like thinking about doing work while you're not there. God, it really makes you excited to go back in, you know? So I'm thinking about all that, and I'm in the kitchen, and I'm just like, and honest to God, I was just making stuff. I don't even know how I got here.

And I snapped out of it. And I was making, I had a bagel with just butter on it. okay not terrible and i had Doritos right okay and then i had fried rice there's that's that's a Barbie super combo I like I'm having like even now with brain stuff I feel like we might have talked about this either before the show or it could have been the last fucking episode we did but I was forgetting the fried rice I couldn't remember what the staple was to drive in there and I just I seriously just zoomed out I think I was taking a bite of my leftover fried rice and it was like a little hot and I just look down and what the fuck

am I doing? Why is there Dorito on this plate? What am I doing? And I just got there and then I just finished it and that was fine. But it's getting a little scary. Yeah. Yeah. And I know that this shit happens when you get older. Do you just let it go? Because brains are just going to I don't know deteriorate and turn into these weird ass messes. When does it become a problem and when is it just your brain being funny because at some point you're like, wait, is this the early stages

of dementia? Because then it's like, well, if I say that, someone with actual dementia, it's like, the fuck you're talking about. You know,

like, they're levels. Right. Yeah, because they had dementia. You didn't even know how good that joke was. And someone with dementia's like,

what the fuck are you talking about? Bangor. Oh, yeah. A brand new banger. But I mean, we all do that. Like, there's something, you know, mom brain too. Or just the parenting brain. Like, my mom used to do funny things.

And now that I'm a parent, I get it. Like, taking the cereal box. There's nothing funny about heroin. Right. But take, like, pouring kids cereal and then putting the cereal box in the fridge. Like, those are just, I think those are just natural, you know. Oh. Yeah.

What a dumb ass. Sorry. But I had a toast to bake. Yeah, you, I had to microwave leftover fried rice. Yeah. And I had to get the chip, chips out and take the chip clip off. I think you were making three different meals for three different stages of the day. You need to talk about your carb intake, buddy.

You were having a bagel for the morning. That wasn't a lot of it. And some chips for a little afternoon snack. And then you made a rice meal for dinner. I know. Carbs aren't good for your brain. Just throwing that out there. Protein.

Tell myself that in the mirror. there you go. Hey Joe, oh, you're putting a pill up your people. Carbs aren't good for your brain. Remember that after you put this pill in your ass. In the ass. All right. I just thought I'd share that with you guys. Thanks.

You know. Yeah, I mean, I think it's all downhill from here. Yeah, it's not getting better. I, I, sometimes I think the older we get, I think we tend to say, man, I'm getting older. I can't remember shit. But I mean, I've always been like short-term forgetful. Like, I will walk outside or I will grab something. put it by the door, don't forget this, leave the house, and immediately forget the thing that I told myself not to forget.

And that's not a new thing. That's been going on for a long time. I feel like we just kind of say, we're getting older. These things happen. And I think it's just how our brains are. Yeah. Imperfections. Yeah. Yeah, I think it just because, this time it was innocent.

This time it was just three different, all the corners of the food pyramid. If you start murdering people. And I didn't remember making them. Yeah. Or getting them out. And I went, whoa. That's scary. The people that wake up and go murder, murder somebody and go back to sleep and not remember they did it.

I have weird memories about that, but they're not memories. I think they're nightmares or dreams. We're still, to this day, I will wake up and be like, did I remember this thought? And I'm like, did that happen in a dream? Or was that a memory from 25 years ago that I'm just now like, uncovering. Because I think people do that too where I, dude, last night I watched an episode of Unsolved Mysteries.

Yeah. It was on the free Samsung cable and I'm like, dude, I haven't watched this show in 30 years. I'll turn it on. And the episode was about a gal who was, she was later, she was later in life. And she started unlocking memories of her childhood that she

repressed. She didn't, she was adopted or she had memories of that she was adopted. And I think she buried the memories and made up new memories because her original dad, I think he molested her or beat or something, where her brain came up with this whole story. And she's always thought she had foster parents. And they went through the whole process and tried to figure out any connection. They couldn't find anything. And so basically the idea is that,

She made this whole life up to deflect and to bury the real memories. I never should have thrown that necklace off to Titanic and let that guy die on the door. Also, what a fucking lame episode of Unsolved Mysteries. Just some old lady lying. Just some old lady lying about shit was the whole thing. It was like, and then they found nothing. Robert Stack is disappointed. Yeah, all this B-roll, like the slow Ken Burns film like zoom in on pictures.

And just terrible. Just building it up, building it up. Terrible acting. Yeah, they paid actors. They released this episode at the end. They were like, she was lying. See you next week on Unsolved Mysteries. Dude, when he would always walk.

He'd be like walking out in the woods and there's fucking fog out there. I remember being like, what are you doing out there? Not thinking there's an entire cast and crew and all that stuff. But, yeah. All right. Him and his fucking, what's that? That trench coat. The brown trench coat.

You ever think what a. You like to, b'am-d-l-d-b-l-m-we. We begin none. All right, we've got to slide into some dick. Okay. All right, let's get. B-e. Is it dumb?

Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Okay. Whoa. What just happened? I lean down to get a drink of my pop, and then I sit up and smack my head on the phone.

And then I pump the microphone, and I do it every single time. Take a little pull from that puller pop? Yeah, yeah. Brother, I got a little pick-me-up. Okay. What are we doing here? Why isn't my phone or what computer turning on? I don't know.

All right. Flustered. You want to go first or second? Second. Actually, there are three of them in here, so we need to pick two of them. All right. Well, let's just go with these top two for sure. Well, we have bus driver, prostitute, serial killer elephant or stripper behead's boyfriend.

Let's go with the prostitute. Nothing really ties the room together like a bus driver prostitution story. Right. Oh, oh, my computer just went to a full-screen ad. All right, Delaware man fired after being accused of having sex with a prostitute in a school bus. Dope. Yep. Looks like my old school bus driver.

Oh, yeah, brother. I think he looks like a lot. Keep your heads in the window, boys. You don't want to get caught in the trees. Delaware meant Delaware. Delaware. Hi, we're in Delaware. Weinsworld.

A Delaware man has been fired from his job. A school bus driver after you was allegedly caught on surveillance cameras having sex with a prostitute inside the bus. That was, yeah, they really cleared that up, but I, my assumption was not outside the bus, not on top of the bus. Not on top of that funny white vent right on top. No, inside. Police in the city of Dover arrested Alvin Romm on January 12th and charged with patronizing a prostitute. Just patronizing her. Oh, you're so.

You're so good at this. You just fucking have sex all the time, huh? What? Within a thousand feet of a school, resident church or place as well as lewdness. Just so many dudes getting blowies. One thousand one feet away from the church. You got that little wheel thing that are rolling around? All right, this will do.

A chalk line? All right. Suck it. Once you cross this line, are you turning back? Turn it back. That's bad news. This is blowjob. Welcome to blowjob, Bill.

A statement from Dover cops confirm Rome was working as a school bus driver on January 6th on the day he was caught on camera. That's my wife's birthday. Oh, happy birthday. So we were sitting in Olive Garden, and this guy is getting blown. What he was doing was having a way better birthday.

Because I'm not going to have sex on my wife's birthday. It would be an inconvenience for her. It's her day. But the breadsticks are good. It's her day. Always good. And the video is, uh,

Rom's allegedly seen soliciting a prostitute who boards the bus. Hey! Did you, you have a ticket? Stop! You can't just come on here. She's just walking down the road.

And he just, like, goes, shh. Bein, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You got time for a handy? You got any fair? No. I don't figure out a way to pay for that. It's a school bus, too.

It's not a seat. city bus, just so we're clear. Private road that leads to a Baptist church. Oh, double-notty. Yeah. Once parked in the area of Jerusalem Way, Rome was showing, engaging in sex acts with the female

on the school bus and exchanging money for same. What? Okay. Well written. He's not employed by the school district, but was employed by bus service, the district has contract... God damn it!

I see you get nervous over there. Well, I was going to make a... You start moving around a bunch. I have an itch. So contracted, but also contracted. Yeah. So I was in my head, I started making up a joke already. Like he contracted a disease while being contracted as a school bus driver.

Gotcha. So to shuttle students to and fro school. Yeah. The footage was allegedly discovered by a school district employee who was reviewing video. It's part of an unrelated investigation. What the hell is that? What was that guy looking for? Any seatbelt's on the bus?

Oh my God, he's fucking. Hey, he's fucking. Whoa. So talks about all the court stuff. Yeah. So my first thought on this was having, having traveled a lot for school sports and stuff like that, when we would drive from Oslo's like to Yakima or Walla Wall or something. It's like a two hour drive.

And we go, the bus driver drops us off and they usually go parking a parking lot or something. And then we're like there might be three games. Might be us. Another team could be the grade, all the different grade levels and skill levels and stuff. And I always wondered what the fuck is the bus driver doing jerking it. Yeah. While we're spending three hours. at an athletics

cross the puzzle. It's like, what, I always wondered this. So when I saw a story, I'm like, I wonder if this is like a thing that kind of happens.

Like that's just one of them. Yeah, I'm sure he's not the first one. And he won't be the last. This line is amazing. This has not been a great month overall for school bus travelers. Is that what it says?

Yeah. Does it give any? It does. Not in Delaware. Oh, there's more? Okay. This has not been a great month.

month overall for school bus drivers. Oh, Delaware. Is there a great month overall to be a school bus. I think it's one of those things where if you don't hear anything, that's a good month. Right? They're doing their job. Yeah, exactly. Part of the summer months, I imagine. And again, if you're out that you drive school buses, we're not making fun of you. It's just, you know. So, just so I'm sure everyone's wondering now. I got it. But last week in Massachusetts, a bus driver was charged with a slew of criminal offenses stemming from his disconnection or disconnecting the surveillance cameras on his bus. Eh, you fucking

wing. Reedy Gase. Ooh. 54 allegedly deviated from his route with students in his vehicle and made unauthorized stops. Dropping off baggies? The first one back on December 4th.

Gase was driving a three-year-old girl home, but took a road not on his route. Cops say he intentionally deactivated the interior camera, but audio from inside the bus captured the child asking to be brought home. Oh, God. Then on December 22nd,

Gaze allegedly deviated from his route once again, this time while driving a five-year-old, nonverbal boy home. You're not going to say shit, right? The audio picked up this. You're not going to say shit, right? He's like, fool me once, dude. Next time I deviate my route, make sure the fucking kid can't talk. Hey, what's your name?

Perfect. You're not unplug the camera? Say nothing if you agreed not say nothing All right sick Cops allegedly Or alleged that he stopped at an unauthorized road Not on route Turned off the bus engine and left the child alone on board

For approximately 11 minutes What? Audio was also recovered from that trip And in it the child can be heard crying A five year old I'll be back in a minute The bus had been fitted with a GPS monitor You guys never could catch me This guy fucking boy can't talk

See you were like no this doesn't happen Fuck you, it doesn't happen. This guy went off, got his knob polished. I know. Whoa, how many school bus drivers? And there's two of them, two of them doing it? It's crazy. Three of them.

What? This is the same one. The same guy dropped it off. Oh, right. Yeah. They're like, don't do it again. He's like, okay. Grafton police charged a gauge with two counts of kidnapping.

That seemed like that much. They didn't know he was going to give him back. Yeah. Well, they shouldn't have given a second chance. And single counts of reckless endangerment of a child. misleading a police investigation and tampering with evidence. Dude, kidnapping, that could set him back for a while. Yeah, totally take him off route.

Yeah. During a court hearing. He's going to be nonverbal. He's got a... Held on Wednesday. A plea of not guilty. We got... Hold on.

So I want to make sure, before you say anything more, we have GPS. Audio recordings, surveillance, and testimonials from the kids. We scrape the prostitutes throat. and we got your DNA. Yeah. And it's like, you still, you still want to say not guilty.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to fight this one. Yeah. Fuck you. Oh, man. And the lawyer's like, oh, God.

Yeah. I tried to convince him, Your Honor. All right, let's move off to our next story. You vote this time. Do you want serial killer elephant or stripper behead's boyfriend?

Either way someone's died. Pick one. Let's go to the elephant. Go to the corner. Okay. Oh. Woo. First try.

It makes you lightheaded, though. Blew your eyes out? You'll blow your eyes out. Rogue elephant kills 22? I'll have to turn off my ad blocker. Give me a second here. One second. Let me refresh this page.

Why are you so worried about ad blocking? Rogue elephant kills 22 in terrifying 10-day rampage. Look at the video, too. He's just mowing people down, dude. Fuck, yes. Watch this guy You could see him And if you're saying

With unfreeze You'd see the guy go flying Is this where the video is? Yeah This is exciting It just auto played online Should I do this? Oh yes

That dude Flying Flying Flying Who So again People died So not

Funny Is he come back out of the bushes? I hope so. Well, dude, are we going to get some context? I don't know. Oh,

I don't know. Did you read it? No. You just put this in and have no idea what happened? Dude, an elephant just, that's all you need. Murdering people on a rampage?

Yeah. Are you kidding me? Officials in India are on the hunt for an elephant that has killed more than 20 people. We know it's more than 20 because your headline is just what is. Just above it said 22. So 10-day rampage, an average of two people a day. That's crazy.

But you could have gotten five on one. He could, but the average is 20. The mean. This is just a funny thought because I, and I just have to share it because, I don't know why. Actually, I do know why. Because Cassie was working on this giant project at her job. And it's a huge deal. There's a lot of publicity about it.

And she was talking about like, like the journalists that are showing up to cover it and I we got into it because I made I took like a cool picture and I was like I bet you they have like big cameras too huh they have cool pictures than I have like she's like you just goes la man I would laugh because you have no idea like this one lady has like five cameras hanging off of her and I was like I it's so funny to me that that type of thing and then

my thought process spiraled down like just like oh it's Saturday right on time uh fuck It's Saturday. You can't fault me on a Saturday. I can't. That's weird. Every time I get in here, I turn my Do Not Disturb on.

If only Brian could also do it. It's an alarm. Oh, do not disturb, silence his alarms. Okay. Back to you. So talking about that and then I had this thought of how weird journalists and reporter that job is. Okay. So like, just imagine a conversation with a reporter.

And it's like, so like, what do you do? Eh, not much. Okay. No, I just like, I personally don't do a whole lot. But when other people do stuff, I go out there and look at what other people are doing and then I make sure that other people know what they're doing. And they're like, and you just get paid for that? Well, you're not going to find it on your own. I just, I just show up and look at what other cool stuff other people are doing.

And then I make sure that everybody knows how cool the stuff they're doing is. Isn't that the equivalent of the people that stole my videos and just watch it? And it's like, well, what did you do? That was it. I just made sure people knew how cool that that was. I feel called out too. I was a journalist for four years. So, bitch.

I know, but it's, I mean, isn't that funny? When you look at it that way? It is funny. It's like, oh, my God, this happened? Well, there's investigative journalism where you're hunting stuff down. You're making a difference. Yeah. And you're covering things that are, but like, just like.

There was a fire and I went to the fire. I went to the fire. Hey, there's a fire going on. This is crazy, right? As you can see, there's a fire burning behind me. Fire. I covered a shoe store opening one time. See?

Yeah. And you got a paycheck. I did. God, that's funny. It was like on the front of the magazine, too. And I'm sure the shoe store probably went under. Yeah. They are.

No, they're still around. No, nice. That was because of my article in 2005. All right. Since the beginning of January, 22 people have been killed by the animal. including an eight-month-old baby. No.

And a wildlife expert. That's probably, wasn't as good about his job as he thought. Authorities have announced compensation for the families. The wildlife expert came in to try to contain the elephant. Don't worry, I got this. Terrifying footage. Now what do we do, the expert's dead. The only guy in the country that could have stopped the elephant is dead.

Do you know how hard it is to find a fucking elephant expert? Terrifying. In this climate? It's hot. In this economy? Shows dozens of locals running for their lives as the animal rushes towards them. Here we are laughing as these people are getting tossed and killed. I know, but in this case, it feels like it's not real. And there's a lot of folks in the world.

One man, if we died in a funny way, people will be laughing at us, too. I would love that. Colliding with the elephant before being sent crashing into the ground. That's usually how collisions work. A majority of attacks have taken place at night. That was the most terrifying. line for me. You didn't read it.

Huh? Back to you. No. When I read the story originally, no, I did read the story. I just thought, oh, there's plenty we could say about an elephant rampage. Yeah. But the one thing that stuck out to me was, you're just sleeping in your hut or whatever. And then all of a fucking elephant comes running, like running through your house.

Fucking insane. You see a knock at the door, but it's kind of. wet. Yeah, the trunk is and it's low. It's a low knock. You're like, and then you're, it's either a tiny, it's either a tiny,

it comes through the glass, grabs your doorknob. Ah! Anyway, sprays water. The region has been put on high alert and residents living in the Chabasa district have been warned

to stay away from forests. And don't go out at night. Pummer news for the people of Chabasa, you live in the forest and the sun goes down. So people that just live in this region, in this forest, I mean, I legitimately feel bad for, because they just, they're cohabitants of the same ecosystem and environment, whatever. But whenever I see an elephant go rogue at like a circus, even though I feel, I don't, I don't get enjoyment out of watching people die in general.

But like every time an elephant goes a little nuts and starts killing people that are like poking it and prodding it and smacking around. It's fine. Every once in a while it's like, yeah, you fucking do it, dude. I mean, they have had three different attempts to try and tranquilize this elephant and all have failed. Yeah, like, look at, well, look, he's, he's, you're not stopping this. He's a beast. He's like trying again, motherfucker. You get it, buddy.

You get him. The darts are just like bouncing off of him, dude. He's eating them. and then shitting them back. It's making them more powerful. It's doing the opposite effect. Before he kills people, he hands the tranquilizer dart to them. With his trunk.

And then, Wow. Wow. I was to say, nice try, motherfucker. Nice try. Goodbye. All right. Well, yeah, that is sad.

But an elephant on a rampage has to be the most terrifying. Well, yeah. Remember, I think pretty early on, right, with Can You Don't? When there's the funeral. And they're holding the funeral. with the dead body and the elephant came in and smashed the casket because he knew who was

in it and just fucking destroyed it because he's like that person tried to kill him or killed his you know killed his brother or whatever it was and he knew who it was that guy got killed and they just ran into the funeral It's not enough that the dude's dead Is it going to ruin his celebration

This simply won't do No All right Okay well I think it is time to get the left time Oh my God Is that Zeus the Elephant? For the golden geeks. Neil Taffan.

Jordan Holiday. The sofa king. Maggie Stokes. George. To Saddam. Daniel Spatz. Matthew Lanner. Todd Sutton horse.

Matt Johnston. Stephen Geller. Jason. Clacer. Woo-hoo. All right. Thank you guys for supporting us of that golden goose. Tear.

Some new ones. in the last couple weeks. We got those thank you videos out. Hopefully you guys liked them. All right. Let's get some lap time going. Hell yeah, brother. Zach, let's sit on.

Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zach's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. All right. Get on my lap, you little chits. Come on, go, go, get on my lap, babe, damn.

Zach? Yeah. Oh, there he is. You dirty, stink. Jeez. Yeah, let's just fill the game. Yeah, with a bunch of accents and weird noises told Zach's ready to go.

I was just waiting. Wait. I was just waiting. So I got weird shit. Hopefully I haven't covered any of these in the past. I don't think so. Hope not. These are weird practices and habits from around the world.

Basically history and a few individuals and a few different peoples. Okay. This one starts off kind of interesting. 1700s to the early 1800s. Europe, particularly Britain and colonial areas. It was the practice of blowing tobacco smoke up to the ass. Tobacco smoke enemas

to cure, this is even better, to help drowning victims. We were, that are not fully dead or that are like, yeah, trying to,

trying to save. They believed it revived them by warming the body or stimulating respiration. And there were even kits placed along rivers. And I'm not trying to jump to conclusions here.

But would one be safe and assuming that the saying blowing smoke up your ass came from this. What the? Right. Are you kidding me? I would think that...

You've blown smoke up my ass? Are you trying to save me from drowning? Because they later probably were like, that was dumb. And so now that method became something about just being a lie. Blown smoke up my ass. I should have probably looked that up. I didn't even catch it. I got it.

I think this could be a future lap time episode where you're just... Origins of words. Or origins of current sayings. Where did this actually come from? You got it. noted The phase blowing smoke up your bum I've never heard that one

The bum We're on the wrong side of the drink What commune are we in? The bum Up my bum Up my bum Would you like me to put my penis In your womb

Beinus Bainis originates from the literal 18th central medical practice Of tobacco smoke Yeah We did it Holy shit

Hold on One second Used to resuscitate drowning victims and treat ailments like constipation. Somebody with a tobacco addiction and the love of asses came up with this. Yeah. They're like, how can I make a living? Fucking smoking tobacco and seeing but holes. I love smoking and I love ass.

A technique adopted by Native Americans and involving blowing smoke into the rectum via pipe and bellows. The practice involving devices like the one shown and illustrated of the tobacco smoke enema kit For free The classic For three easy payments Of one elephant tusk a month You may have your own tobacco smoke anima kit Now on the can you don't website

If you order now it'll show up We don't know But it's coming by horseback This continued in 1987 Sorry Got them out of there in 1750s But to think though you guys would probably be using it If you were alive at the time

just like myself. Yeah. Has anybody seen the fucking smoke kit? Smoke up my ass kit. I lost my adapter. I lost the adapter for my smoke enemy kit. All right. Back to you, Zach.

I'm constipated. Somebody light up a pipe. Someone blow my smoke ass. This one's pretty interesting. Medieval period. Mostly 13th through 18th century. So quite a long time. Pigs, roosters, rats, and even dolphins were put on trial for crimes.

Like eating children or laying eggs. This elephant would be. prime suspect He's just in a corral He's like Do you have anything to say? Do you have a d'ors? Do you have a dorsop in?

All right. One of the most famous When you get gorgeous One of the most famous cases happened in the 14th century 1386 in France I think before France was France it was a pig dressed in human clothes

and then they hung him they were just hungry but he had a waistcoat gloves and a mask on even and then they hung him what are we what the fuck were we doing right that was like a we're just starting here too that was a UFC fight like that was the type of attention and how

starved you were for any sort of entertainment that hanging a pig a suit hanging a dressed up pig I'm sure someone loved the pig and they had to come up with a reason to kill it so the community could eat it Like, you're not killing. This is my pet pig. Yeah?

Well, he robbed the liquor store. Robbed the liquor store three nights ago. We have eyewitnesses. I saw it. He's a bunch of hungry people. Yeah, fuck him. He's got like a fork and I have a napkin. I saw it.

I saw him. Shh. Sh, sharp. Yeah, what an idiot. He was drunk, too. He raped my wife. Okay. All right.

I'm going to provide to you your first, hopefully, thought about Rome for the day. Okay. So this is pretty interesting. Ancient Rome. First century. Well, Brian already mentioned Rome. We were talking about smelly pubs. Oh, that's right. That's our second. Second one. You're right. So that through the first century, B.C. through the third century in the Roman Empire, wealthy women collected and bought

gladiator sweat, often mixed into potions or creams, believing it had magical or beauty enhancing properties. And it was expensive. This is relevant to me because the new Spartica series, House of Asher. It's currently on, and I've been watching that. Did you ever watch the original Spartacus, the one on Stars? No. Was it great? I have a lot of fighting and fucking.

If you like that, then yeah. I like fighting and fuss. Jeez, explain my life, dude? All I'm doing is fighting and fucking. Well, apparently, the gladiator sweat was also a bit of an aphrodisiac in the mind. I'm not sure how well worked. I think the thought of where it came from was the thing that turned people on. I mean, the idea of just big, muscular, massive.

man, alpha men with life on the line fighting for it all. I'd get anybody hard. Yeah, dude. It gets me a little hard now and I have access to everything. Back then, when that's all you had,

you're going to be boned up for weeks. I mean, there were episodes of that original Spartacus where they would, the ladies, you know, rich ladies, they would pay for that to have a gladiator come give it to them. Yeah, duh.

Because they were ravage animals. Sweat in my mouth. mouth. We really, really pop that pus. I remember as a little... Sorry to interrupt the pop and the puss dad quote. That's one of the grossest things to say. That is really... That's how to make a woman not like you.

Pop that, puke. You need a mic... A pop filter? A pop filter. Go ahead, Zach. Does it make everyone sad? I was just saying that when I was a kid, I remember my dad or mom telling me that people would buy vials of Elvis Presley's sweat. And I just blew my mind that some guy, my dad worked hard every day when

works 60 hours a week, but Elvis could just sell a little vial. He's in nobody though compared to Elvis. I know, but I mean, selling a vial of sweat is quite a bit less work. Yeah, and that blew your mind back then. And now today, you'd be like, yeah, that makes sense. You can, well, women fart in a jar. Well, they put, they put suckers in their ass and shit it out after it's melted and sell it to somebody. That's good. And that's fine. That's good. And that's just what we're doing. That's good. Or people, yeah, like you're saying, or people, working on oil rigs risking their life and shit like that for 40 grand or yeah barely 120 grand maybe a person elves is just high singing but not I'm not even saying like

dude Elvis still was a very talented dude who toured and did all stuff I'm talking about the chick who's popping a like farting into a jar and sending it to some dude like you talk about you're just at home you're like I got to fart you're like anybody have a jar because I got to 20 grand. I can't waste this. You can't waste a fart. So dumb. It just felt like a nice lesson about life isn't fair.

Yeah. I guess it's nice. Okay. So there's a couple quick ones from some individuals. This is Vincent Van Gogh. He in the 19th century just ate paint. Yellow paint, though. It had to be yellow paint.

He ain't yellow. It was probably because he was mentally ill. Yeah, Vincent Van Gogh crazy. Yeah. And he said he was seeking the bright feeling that apparently yellow. Only the flavor of yellow. It didn't bring. And you only develop that feeling after a couple of pints of yellow paint.

After you suck on some mercury, you want some yellow. So it's healthy. There's another one. This one I did not know. I thought this is pretty interesting. Lippick on Beethoven. He counted exactly 60 coffee beans every single morning all throughout his life. Why?

To actually grind up and brew or something? For his daily brew, a ritualistic compulsion tied to his work routine. He was very, very, very. he had an interesting work schedule. Just, he was autistic. Well, yes. But at the same time,

if it gave him the same feeling every day, and that's what got him to his inspiration, exactly. Why would you want to deviate that? Because that's what makes you that creative. That's like a baseball player running over, right foot over the line. Hit the chalk?

Yeah. It's, what it comes down to is that you, your brain can't, you can't control it. So what you do is you eliminate things that you can blame for why you're dating, go right or things didn't go right.

So if you do the same, yeah, you do the same routine, then you eliminate all that. You're not like, oh, it's because I fucking put my left shoe on straight or first. Straight. I agree with what you're saying because it's a lot of it's mental where like if I do the same thing, I will, in turn, I will, I know that I'll be. But if you, to, what am I trying to say? Oh, I'm excited to hear this. To give you a little bit of like a pushback on that. Yeah, try.

So if it's something, like if you were. Do coffee beans. If you were taking mushrooms like we talked about last week, and if you knew the exact high you were going to get every time, wouldn't you do the same amount of mushrooms to achieve that level of high that you're going for? If you deviate from that, your high might be different. Well, that's going to come down to a couple, a lot of different things like what you ate, how much water is in your system.

But if you woke up every morning fresh and clean and you were, the first thing you did was have coffee. Yeah. And you wanted to make sure that you were getting that same level every time. That to me seems less like OCD than it does. Like I need, that's how I get. Do you know what I'm trying to say? Like, I feel like it's different than like if you, if I don't change my underwear, psychologically, I'll think this is, it's just me not jinxing it.

So my mind can get around that. But if you're like, if you're altering your physical or your mental, state by a substance, that seems a little different to me. Yeah. What if that one coffee bean has more caffeine in it? Now what are we doing? I don't know. So, what is that?

I agree with you. I'm just saying, I think, when you're taking some sort of a mind-altering thing. When there's too many beans in it, you add harpsichord to the piece so that you fuck it up. Sorry. Harpsichord's a lot like deer to me, where they just don't, they don't belong in the words. All right. Beethoven, just like instead of piano, we had. mouth harp.

Bigh, bye, Bler, wasn't it? Yeah, we've covered this. We just don't want to have to edit the episode again. Son of a bitch! This is exactly where it went last time. I remember flipping my tooth for that when I tried to do is goddamn Jews harp. All right.

And YouTube's down. And see. All right. So I've got a hundred. Oh, we can't see Jew? No. Go ahead. So this is another quick one.

This is, I didn't know this about LBJ. Lyndon Bain Johnson famously held staff discussions from his white. house bathroom throne. I have heard that one. Phone in hand, intimidating people with his farts and stanched. The guy's standing on the outside with the

opposite of intimidation. I know. That is your name. Shitting with your hole open. Tell Johnson that it went, when I'm done with this, everyone's waiting. Benjamin Franklin.

This is another quick one, but I got to get to the one after this because it's my favorite, I think. And you guys might know this one, hopefully. Okay. But Benjamin Franklin, known for many things, did not know this about him.

He used to sit naked in front of open windows. It was his routine. They called him air baths. Yeah. And it was for health benefits. That makes sense. I guess they could see that. Yeah, breeze it out.

So his neighbors got to see all sorts of patents that he was making and trademarks. Have you heard of sunning your butth hole? That's all I do. Yeah. There's a whole thing people do that. Get that direct sunlight right in your colon. Yeah.

They lay in their back and they flip their legs over their head and they sun their butt hole. Yes, they do. 18th century butthole. Tannen. Yeah, the old butthole tan. Get that vitamin D deep in the sea. All right.

This one is pretty interesting. The sea is cold. So Charles Darwin. Yeah. Author of Origin of Species. Yeah. Never heard of it. Yeah.

Okay. Well, we know that he was very interested in science. And thanks to him, we know about evolution and how animals transform through time. He also was really interested in devouring every single new animal species that he discovered. That's funny? Just can't wait to eat this fucking bird. He ate hawks, owls, armadillos, everything he found. Just to make sure that they knew he was the top of the chain.

Yeah, exactly. My ship may be known as the Beagle, but I'm a wolf man. I don't know. It's weird. That's funny. You're being very helpful to my work here, but don't think this is, you're not just going to go. You're not going to slide out of this. Wombat.

So I got time for any more? Yeah. Give us a couple more. A couple more. Yeah, hit us with the nice ones. Let's see. Quick one about Albert Einstein that changed the way I look at him.

Something about a cousin? Something about a cousin. Nice. Him and his cousins never wore socks. That's not the cousin fact. No, it's not the cousin. Yeah, he ditched socks for comfort, freedom, and then calling them unnecessary.

Unnecessary. But also people complain that he had stinky feet. Because what do you know? It makes your feet stink. It does. Yeah. Even with them. Even with them, it gets stinky.

I mean, unless you're wearing like flip-flops or something all the time. Yeah. I mean, even just slide-ons, if I don't wear, I'll get a week out of them before they're unwearable if I don't put like socks on some van slip-ons. I have to. Yeah. It just feels gross, too. It feels slippery and squishy. Sox are a good invention and we should keep them.

Last one. This is back to witches in the 15th century. Not the we've talked about witches, but. Segway. Segway. This is interesting. Witches apparently used to steal penises as pets. So in Europe, during the witch hunting time, in 1486, they talked about this.

The book claims witches could detach men's penises, store them in nests or nesting boxes, where they would wriggle, and they would eat oats like living creatures. And that's in a book somewhere, warning folk about watching your penis. and that's why we burned them We've never liked women, have we gentlemen? Never liked women. I will also never be able to not think about a penis eating oats. And it's getting startled. It's like, and then going back to eating oats in a box.

Well, thank you, Zachie. My pleasure. Love it. Good history dive. Let's got you some good news now. It's time to roll it. Zach's fucking points, baby news. So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! Let's jerk it. We've talked about horror on this show a few times. Never. Never have, not a single time. A couple times. Okay.

So, I mean, it's sort of good news. There's more to this story than meets the... Than hand meets the thigh? Right, yeah, exactly. Adult content has never been as accessible as it is. Oh, actually. What? Let me read the, the, uh, headline.

Scientists say, go ahead. Keep gooning. Mm. You guys, you guys, you know what gooning is, right? I didn't. I keep forgetting. Yeah. It's just like, um, like watching porn and masturbating for an extended period of time.

Mm. So not client. And just keeping yourself right on the verge for a long time. Edging, but just never. Just keep going. So it's like tantric, but, yeah. But, uh, funnier. gooning.

That's weird. Why we call it doing it? Because you look like a gooning. Yeah, you're goon and out. Well, if you're going to do it, keep doing it as long as it's for the right reasons. Oh, okay. All right.

Jerking off for charity. Make a wish jerk circle? This does sound like a nonprofit that might work. Adult content has never been as accessible as it is now. Thanks to the internet. Hell, online smut played a major role in the rise of the web itself in the 1990s. As we had access to it, we put some fucked up shit on it, didn't we? We did.

Hell yeah, brother. With that glut of porn, some have voiced concerns that some people are consuming too much of the stuff and even becoming addicted, which they claim could have consequences like regulating emotions and impaired sexual functioning. Okay. But as sidepost reports, these concerns may be overblown. Nice. Researchers at the University of Pecks and Hungary have found that it doesn't matter. matter how frequently one watches porn. The reasons why somebody indulges in the stuff are far more predictive

to their sexual health. Okay. So it goes on to say like if you are, if you're depressed or you're watching it for certain, like if you're in a bad mood or whatever and you're watching porn. Or you want to fucking come? Yeah. It can, it can, if it's like if you're doing it for depression or that thing, it can cause different things.

But if you're just like, if you just want to watch porn. Yeah, for a couple days. You know, and it's like, it's just something you do, then by all means, do it all you want. Yeah. But like anything else, right? If you're in a bad mood, you're upset and you drink or you do drugs, like, that's not unhealthy. It's not fixing anything. But if you just like to drink or like to do drugs, keep doing it, brother.

Here we go. Got me. You know what I mean? Yeah, I hear you. It says here a major gap in the literature is that pornography use is often evaluated mainly by how frequently people use it, even though frequently alone, our frequency alone tells us very little about whether the use of it is actually harmful. And that makes perfect sense.

The happiest person in the world could be tugging it out five times a day. Yeah. You just like coming. I just want to fucking come about it. It feels good. Yeah, I got this thing and I want to fucking come. It's it. What are you going to do about it?

It's like in University of Pecks. I don't think I'm a cat. That's something I've searched into Pornhub. Some fucking hungry pecks. Some fucking PECs. Just a fucking pecks. Recently divorced. hungry pecks.

Have you ever just been, like, been depressed? You're like, I need to, I need to jerk off. I need to think about anything besides this. I don't, it's, I don't think I, maybe I just, I don't, the last thing. If I'm, like, upset or, like, the last thing I want to do is. Yeah, I hear you. So, like, it's usually like, you know what? I haven't camed today.

Yeah. And this is going to feel good. You know what I mean? Most strikingly, the research has found that participants who reported frequent pornography use were less likely to experience problematic outcomes. Outcomes. However, those who primarily used it for coping and managing stress are more likely to experience symptoms of problematic use.

It's more like if you came in with that issue, you're going to come out with the issue. If you go in, just wanted to fucking, yeah? So what harm does it do? All right. What we're saying? Now I can only come when I'm sad. So that's the good news. Keep on fucking coming, y'all.

Don't worry about it. Don't feel bad about it. Yeah. fucking get hard and do drugs. Zah! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool,

or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. I know we missed the mark a little bit with this fella,

because it's a calendar. If you're fine with ripping off the first page, but just still getting the funny out of it. Head on over to Etsy, and they have a nice assortment from this particular Etsy store. That's accurate, are extremely accurate birds. Take a look at this one. I want this joke of the ass. So what we're looking at is somebody is drawing birds, and the top half is fine,

and then the bottom half just has a fat ass in human legs. God, that's a... sexy fucking eagle, dude. Yeah. I mean, isn't it amazing? I mean, you catch me on the right day. Yeah. That'll work.

Yeah. If the internet's down. Animal feel bad about it. Yeah, the internet's down. Blue-breasted tetee fucker with those legs, dude. Dude, I fucking do a lot more. Oh, yeah. That guy's ready to get out.

Cardinal sin. Right there. You get it. Anyway, these are great. Ooh, a mallard was... Doing a breaststroke? You guys get it. Anyway, this is...

This is just one. I don't know if these are AI created because it seemed like they had just a ton of options when it comes to accurate cats and birds, or not cats for birds. But look, I mean, there's...

Accurate dogs and cats would be funny, too. Yeah. God, this is great. Oh, yeah. Pell... Yeah, you got it. Yeah, you got it. Yeah, that's a hairy? Yeah, because the pelicans

got a bigger mouth. A bigger butt? Yeah. All right. So that's out there. You guys have to look it up. It's definitely worth venturing to see those picks. All right. It's a time to hear. Time to hear from the kids. Zaki, let's roll it, baby. All right. Let's hear what you guys. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

All right. Dive on in, Bri guy. Okay. His first one is coming in from our son Harrison. Meper. Okay. Hey, Dickweeds and Uncle Zach. What up, Harry, son. Yeah. It's your meth parachuting son, Harrison.

Oh, yeah, I remember you? Mm-hmm. I was listening to a couple episodes back, and I listened to Seth's story about stinky fish sandwich lady. This is a bit a hot topic. I thought of a gross memory about a stinky pussy.

All right. You know what I mean? Easy, Adam's Sandler. That is how he spelled it. Yeah, exactly. A pussy. A pussy. A pussy.

In my high school years, I was flirting with this dumb blonde that seemed like she was giving me signals. It wasn't your normal dumb blonde, however. This was left out sack of taters dumb blonde. What the fuck is that even mean? You get goddamn right. My dad always said, it was dumb sack of me. Dumber than a left out sack of taters. I grew up born Idaho.

You never heard that one. The head, I was, if that was a thing, it would have been in Idaho's saying. Never heard it. Never heard it. Specific to the county that this guy grew up in. Stackin Tate's. I was a horny 17-year-old looking to do some fingering. What?

And whatever else may happen. What fucking sense is that? I'm hitting that, honey. I'm looking to do no finger in a little finger. What? Mom, we'll be back a little bit. Where are you off to? Fingering.

You know, go finger in a fucking left-out sack of taters? It almost matches my shirt, figuring Dan. Yeah. From Star Wars? Almost fingering, Dan. Where am I at? And don't get me wrong. I like a little women funk.

Okay. We're home alone and I get to work. Nope. Yeah. Finger and whatever else may happen. There it is. We're home alone and I get to work. Okay.

I notice the smell right away. All right. And don't get me wrong. I like a little woman funk and zest as much as the next guy at the first lick. But my fucking God! I knew my mouth wasn't going anywhere near that right away. Okay. I finger her and I noticed two things besides the smell.

One, it's a sack of potatoes. That's right. The feel of the burlack sack. That orange, orangey brown burlack sack. Okay. She didn't react at all. No moaning, no words, nothing. Okay.

Second, she didn't have a G-spot! Okay. For the five female listeners, you're probably thinking, I didn't know what I was doing. Run! I had an older girlfriend before this, and she taught me what to look for. Isn't so a lot of arrogance flying through this Game Boy Color? I dated a 23-year-old, so I knew what the hell I was doing. I got so weirded out by both of these things that I just stopped.

Looked at my phone and said, oh, shit, my dad's coming home early. You got to go. she left and I tried washing the smell off and I shit you not it lingered on my fingers for two days no matter how much I washed them the smell is most similar to a male gartersnake

those who know no okay bye sent for my Game Boy color oh well women and by the way you'd be surprised our audience is like about 45% women

you guys have permission to let this guy have it I responded to the email and said, I can't wait to get the emails when we read the summer show. Because you think fucking dick and balls smell good? Yeah. It's a rotten sack of shit down there too. Your butthole drifting up, getting trapped behind your nuts. And there he's like, you know what I'm doing?

I'm going to not bring it up. And you're like, fuck them. Women, I mean, women are really good at making you feel. good. And, you know. Really bad. Go back to you. Well, when it comes, they might make you feel bad for like, you're, you're fucking

idiot and you don't do this. But when it comes to sexual stuff or like, you're so big. It's, yeah, it's like they, they are generally pretty good at making you feel like you're not inadequate. Like, you're the best that's ever been. And they fake in, whatever it takes to, like, make you feel good. They'll rip you apart when it comes to other aspects of life. I already told you when it's.

It was. That kind of shit. So they... Guess I'm white! It evens out. But... I got a quick thing real quick. Yeah.

I didn't realize you were wearing the Star Wars band shirt. Hell yeah, brother. Do you know the name of the genre of music that that is? And in 1977, George Lucas and his stone friends came up with? I don't remember. It's a kind of jazz called Jizz. Fuck. Thank you, George.

Thanks, Georgie Porge. Anyway, yeah. Well, we get it. And when you... He invited himself in one of those, you know, a little stinky, stinky situation. It is a little startling. Our second email coming in from Chuck,

after listening to this segment y'all did on things removed from people's butts at the hospital, I had to share this story, and the picks. A couple months ago, I was sitting with my husband, who was a bartender in North Spokane.

Beautiful. Washington. I wonder where he is. He asked me if I wanted to see some pictures from the ER. Probably the big foot. that I know that one of the regulars who works there showed him. I said,

hell no. But he replied that it was nothing gory or violent. So I said, someone got something stuck in their ass then, huh? And he goes, yeah. Backstory, this hogbone of a dildo used to have balls attached. And they broke off while the 60-year-old man who owned it was using it. He proceeded to call his brother to drive him to the ER and arrived in a robe.

I imagine the balls broke off because it was. was his favorite and he used it a lot. Or he slipped and fell. Who knows? Please describe the picks for audio-only viewers in a way, I imagine you will nail. Also, if you don't mind, a birthday shout-out to Scotty, the love of my life, I'd appreciate it. Well, happy birthday, Scotty. I'm sure by the time this comes out, about two months after your birthday.

But look at this fucking thing, dude. Can we even show it? Are we going to get in trouble? I don't know. They have dildos on YouTube. It looks like a volcano. Yeah. It looks like a kid's volcano. Welcome to Max Hole.

Did you notice this? Look on the tip of the penis. Yeah, the eyeballs on the tip. Yeah. I can't go in any further. A little googly eyes on there. Welcome to work. Max Hole, the extractor.

Man, that is a... That's a monster. So, it doesn't help that the doctor in this picture looks a little bit like Johnny Sins. Yeah. Which is also funny. That's what my brain was thinking to. Yeah. So his, he looks like a pretty decent-sized guy.

His hand goes about halfway. around this fucking hog. This vainy throbbing hog. It looks like something out of a video game or like, uh... Yeah, this guy was going for a personal record. And it just got a little lust. Yeah. Got it up there, just unable to get it out.

Ball snapped off and it's, you're like, whoops? I mean, I've always, I keep asking these questions like, you know, like, does your butthole bounce back and stuff? Yeah. I mean, I guess it's like, obviously it does. If that got stuck up someone's fucking ass, then if you're not just shitting out all the time. All the time. Like if it's not just falling out of your ass all the time, then yeah.

That ass is pretty versatile. They'll bounce on back. All right. Well, thanks for sending that in. That is absolutely fucking insane. Keep your content rolling. Send it into, hey, guys, at can you know podcast.com. Hawkathon is on.

Support us on Patreon. That's also how you get the bonus content at the end of every episode. Rate and review us. Check out Uncle Zach shenanigans Skatcast.com We'd love to see you. And thanks to the babysitters that Monterey at the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook.

I've got a joke for you, Zach, let's fucking do it. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? We got a life hack. If you guys ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key. So don't scream at it.

Like I, open. Nope. Just get in there. Yeah. Just go in there and be like, I know you're having a hard day. You know, and your feelings, they are. They're valid. Well, I wouldn't say that because validation means that they're right.

But I do recognize them. I hear them. I hear them and you can have those feelings. It doesn't mean you're right. And the door's like, you're like, yes. Yeah, dude. Let's get inside. All right, off to the bonus stuff.

Love you guys. Bye. You.