Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Carseat. Ice Hole. Gummy. Birdhouse.

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

Have you ever wished you had a birdhouse made out of soap that you could smash your penis inside of while taking a shower? YOU HAVE?! Us too. Let's talk about that, having to get permission from your parents every time you wanted to orgasm, accidentally launching a baby out of a moving vehicle, getting way too high and attempting to complete an escape room with your family, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/UoC9O0hfP2YSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Whoa! It's 60! It is! That's a big thing. So are you a big thing? You get it? Yeah, I don't want to see it. I don't want to get poked in the eye.

What's your name again? Oh yeah, we haven't known that in a long time. How many? What's your's your name again? Oh, yeah. We haven't known that in a long time. Manny. What's your name? I don't know. Oh. We haven't said it in a long time. I'm Zach Flannery.

Oh. Hey. I'm Joe Flannery. We're brothers. Excuse me? Remember when we first started, everyone thought we were related. Yeah. Brothers.

Some people were like, oh, you had to go out and just find someone who looked just like you, huh? I was like, it's just, you know. That's what I thought. That's the way. Yeah. I was on a hunt. I was holding like a America's Got Talent. You know why? It's because when you masturb like it's just you know that's what i thought that's the way yeah i was on a hunt i was holding like a america's got talent you know why it's because when you masturbate you just stare in a mirror oh he just looks at himself like sit back on the

counter and you're like i wish i could fuck me i'd fuck me i'd fuck me you get it um we're doing confessions on the show to reach your butthole with your penis i can't we're doing confessions on the show today non Nonchalant. Absolutely. All the way in. You get it. I'm so excited. There's a lot of really fun confessions.

And nothing, it felt right to celebrate number 60 with you guys really letting us know. Confessing to some stuff. Giving us the deep, the deep cut. Support us on Patreon. We love that. That's how we keep this show running. Head over to patreon.com. How we keep the neon lights on. Yeah. Support us on Patreon. We love that. That's how we keep this show running. Head over to Patreon.com. How we keep the neon lights on?

Yeah. This one. How we keep the fake neon light on. Careful, it's hot. Oh, shit. Gosh dang. Head over to Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Also, a link in the episode description.

And you can send stuff in that you want to see on the show to heyguys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Of course, that includes confessions. I conclude the show today. And that includes the show. Thanks, everybody. Zach, play the ending. Here we go. Thank you. Good night.

But we are just going to jump right into shit this week. Are we? Fuck it. Let's just get rolling. We got a ton of confessions. We're just going to dive into a big pile of shit. We're going to slide in. We're going to kick the show off and see where it goes from there.

Just live vicariously through a fly You ready? Dive right in Zach! Hey, shut up It's not the show already This one's silly Well, we're a couple of silly geese

Honky Honk, would you rather Have to re-sign in To every streaming platform or app and read every word of the terms and conditions before you get to use it or you have to ask your parents for permission every time you have sex or jerk off oh my god wow wow yeah where did this one come from Oh my God. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Where did this one come from? I guess your fear of reading and me jerking off too much. Wait, you thought of it?

Yeah. I just, I made a fly joke and there's a fly buzzer on your face right now. Oh no. It's going to get caught in a neon light. That's why it's sticking around. It's attracted to the fake neon lights. That's a fun one. i mean you're you're reading that could take days to get through in order to sign into some net yeah but i'm not reading it out loud to an audience of

thousands of people yeah but you read it out loud to some kind of black magic wizard even if you're not reading it out loud he's he knows if you've read every single word of the terms and conditions oh god those are long and you only have to do it once for the whole or just no every time every time you go back sign in goodness every time so you it's like you don't have to uh every once in a while sign in it's every time you use the app like every single app getting back in yeah oh my god can you just leave a message with your parents or do they have to like okay it yeah they have to have permission i was wondering if i could go in the bathroom run one out uh message on the machine yeah i mean growing up yeah worse right now i mean i'm just such a i'm the type of fella it would be a weird

conversation be like hey mom hey hey joey how are things going down there yeah they're good blah blah you're like oh no it's really great can i go jerk off yeah like you have to cut her off because you know moms moms am i right oh yeah they'll go they'll go on they'll go on forever by the time they get done talking you don't even want to feel like jerking off anymore it's true it's some kind of weird self cock block yeah that i mean that's kind of uh an abstinence thing yeah and sex though. I don't know. Imagine you're out, you're a free bird. Oh, it's like four in the morning. Four in the morning, you're hammered.

She's like, can't fucking put it in. You're like, I will right after I call my dad. There's no... And if you're calling at 4 a.m., they're thinking, oh my god, what's the matter? But eventually they would be like, oh, he's fucking. Yeah. Oh, he just wants to get his dick wet.

It's noon o'clock. It's noon on a day and they're like oh he's just checking in hey i was gonna have a nooner is that okay with a girl or yourself myself duh it's noon what do you think i what do you think i am an alcoholic yeah what mom just say yes okay honey yes thank you bye could you imagine like you like you know you're living away from your parents and you haven't talked to them in a you know week or something like that and it's like a sunday and you call them they're like oh yay joey's calling to check in see how things are going down here but you're just like you're super horny and they're like hey joey how's things you're uh i'll call you right back but i was just wondering real quick if i could jerk off real quick i'm gonna call you back in 10 minutes and my mind is gonna be crystal

right clear i'll be i'll talk about whatever you want about all the cancer you have but until then i just need to come no i know dad it's sad it's really don't put that on the phone hey dad hey joey man i feel like i don't even know who you are no i know you don't know who i am anymore um listen i'm gonna call you back in five minutes we'll talk about how you're dying and all that kind of stuff but i really need to come yeah okay okay joey i understand no you call you call it it's like in the evening or something and like oh joey and you're like yeah i was wondering if i could go uh rub one out real quick oh yeah um we've got company over you're like, yeah, I was wondering if I could go rub one out real quick. Oh, yeah, we've got company over. You're on speakerphone.

Right. The neighbor, the Johnsons are over. The Johnsons. You're like, perfect. Yeah. So is my Johnson. Yeah, my Johnson's out too. Well, set another plate out because my Johnson's ready to go.

Extra taters. Yeah, make some extra taters because my Johnson's showing up to the party. Add another plate add another plate squeeze me and put the little uh extender in the table mom because my johnson's ready to go rearing and ready to go rear what nothing you would understand it's anal mom i'll call you back i'd love to talk some longer but my boner is going away so let's hurry this up come on come on come on come on it's like you're fucking really killing my boner talking to you is really killing my boner mom can you, so let's hurry this up. Come on, come on, come on, come on. It's like you're fucking really killing my boner. I'm talking to you, he's really killing my boner. Mom, can you talk about how hot you used to be?

I know this is going to be weird, just like when you were in high school. Just real quick. How was I made? Tell me about how I was made. Okay, that'll work. That'll work. I'll talk to you in 10. You know, you just pause for a second, and you're like, anyway.

So the Johnsons are over? She's like, all right, this is going to i'll just just hang on the line mom she's like she's just got you on hold that's why i sent you that care package with those wipes i know mom you're always looking out for me are you using the clorox wipes are you weird no i think would even be weirder is if you had to have like you, they had to. Oh, be there for it. Yeah, or like be on the phone. Could you imagine, like, she's just like, she's sitting with a cup of coffee on the other end of the phone.

You're just like, you just, whatever you have to tell yourself to get through it. That's one way to never jerk off again. That might be good for you. Maybe you need to cut back on on sex and in lust and porn and jerking off enjoying your life i think you need to take your own advice mister with your don't tell me about dicks yeah okay and the ones i have and star wipes start don't you start lecturing me brian about star wipes and having a dick oh he you throw a star weapon circle wipes oh nice circle wipes yeah that's what you're man those are like that's what uh Daniel LaRusso did in back or back to the future

whoops wrong trilogy but think about when you're like you're setting up what you want to watch a show tonight babe you're like yeah but you better tell me now because i'm gonna need all fucking day to get into netflix like i'm gonna need a full eight hours i'm gonna start in the yeah like while i'm at work i'll just be reading it at work and then i'll be ready for dinner you have the terms and conditions like book on tape and it's just some guy like have an ai just reads way too slow by signing by using this app, you agree to. Like the guy that reads the Petty Beef intro. Petty Beef. That robot.

And you're like, fucking hurry up. So you have to ingest every word though, right? All the words. Because you can't just skim it. It's got to be legit. I got the idea. I got the idea. No.

Like you have to read it. You have to read it out loud. So whatever being out there that needs to hear this can understand the words and know that you took it in. And I've never actually read every single word I don't think. But I mean, what? Half hour? 45 minutes? I've never even looked at it before.

I just go whoop and hit agree. And done. Yeah. And use me. Sell me, baby. Yeah. Apple, you own my kids. Here done. Yeah. And use me. Sell me, baby. Yeah. Apple, you own my kids. Here's the thing.

Are you, if you read the terms and conditions, and you really want to watch Hulu, are you going to say no? No. So, of course, why would you even read it then? Oh, I see what you're saying. This aside from this thing. I thought, yeah. Why would you ever read any terms unless you're like on the fence about whether you even want to use an app or something?

Like, I don't know, what are they going to do? But if you're like, I need this, I need the Instagram app. Yeah, if you love streaming stuff and watching shows, you're doing this every single time. But just like saving time with not watching porn and jerking off, probably save a lot of time getting lost in some fantasy world on Netflix. How long do you spend looking at porn, though? No, but it's just a necessity of just jerking off. Yeah, but just time of thinking about, like, I'm going to fucking do it.

I'm going to put my cum in the blanket. Stuff like that. What? What about a blanket? If you're coming out in on the blanket get a sock bro dude just the control to me that's why they that's why they have like tissues and things like that that's a sizable jizz rag bro this satan semen demands an offering the sheet the sheedy semen satan oh god that'd be so funny demands i make another offering if that's what like

sign like signing uh the devil like uh what do they say signing a contract yeah what the crossroads contract yeah sign your soul away right but what do they say you sell your soul the devil that's the phrase i was looking for like but part of that was like coming in your sheets you had to like like when you go to a thing you have to fill up a cup and you just got to get above the line and the devil's like yes he's like you want it you want to be a rock star he's like fill this up and you're just like his little marks on the end yeah it's like it's like the level he like he looks at he's like not enough it has but you want to sell out the roxy sorry Sorry. It's like, good dad, great accountant, lawyer, doctor, rock star.

And it's a fucking like rock star energy drink size amount of fucking cum. You're like, all right, I'll be here for a bit, Satan. Can do. He's checking you out up front and he's the nurse. Well, could you imagine selling your soul in your 50s? Like in your 20s, you're just like, you're pumping out. You're like, all right, give me five and I'll be back for round two. And in the 50s like in your 20s you're just like you're pumping out you're like all right give me five and i'll and i'll be back for round two and in the 50s when you would do it like you'd want to do it yeah you'd be like i don't know i've i've tried sick

of my soul you're just like yeah i'm trying to squeeze every bit out you can i'm ready for a new adventure satan what this soul shit's bullshit yeah this soul shit yikes you gotta be three divorced and fucking six estranged children. Let's go, Satan. I'm going to fucking play some slack guitar. Yeah, Satan's made... I want to rip the fiddle. Rip the fucking fiddle.

Satan. You get it. Never mind. What's the... Charlie Daniels. Yeah. what's the charlie daniels yeah that's the guy man devil went down to georgia looking for a cup to fill uh yeah planning ahead to watch any sort of streaming service or an app like you open up you're like oh man i got facebook notifications you're like i guess i'll look at them when i get done with this yeah you probably get off social media which could be great for your soul um well you're not getting off the other way so yep bingo hey y'all there it is but i

all right i forgot what i was doing but you'd probably get rid of a bunch of apps even if you like the streaming stuff you can plan ahead i mean you're gonna get really good just get cable again yeah just go back to tv but even then every time you fire it up you got to read whatever their terms and conditions are no you have to get the pamphlet out it's it's didn't it say uh streaming platform or app yeah but it's still streaming tv no what streaming you're not streaming tv if you have dish network you're not streaming tv how do you think it's getting there it's exactly what you're doing no can you pause it well you're can you pause it yes but you're you're that's the semantics streaming is a platform and that's cable that's t that's cable it's different it's broadcast

why do you call it i'm getting rid of cable to get the stream because that's what they decided to call it they could have called it streaming they called it cable did you call it like the internet we call and you could call it cable because that's how it's getting there but it's the internet this feels like i'm talking to comcast customer service over here will you please hold oh god i'm sorry please please i'll pay as much as you want please don't take my internet capable capable what what please don't cancel your fucking services we'll give you a deal for the next six months

you only have to pay ten dollars a month for the next six months we will pay you yeah so wait i could have been paying ten dollars this whole time yes you've been ripping me off charging me three hundred dollars a month that's correct absolutely and we sleep wonderfully yeah i'm in for the next six months and then i'll do this again um Just because of the awkwardness and, you know, slam, like you can't, and the older you get, you can't waste a good boner. Like that's a thing. What if they don't answer? Yeah.

What if they're, what if they're fucking. They say, I'll call you back. What if your mom's fucking. Like fucking cock block. Yeah. What if your mom's like balls deep and. Your mom's balls deep? Yeah.

I mean, that's, you know, this is the new world. We live in an era where she could be balls deep. Where your mom could like balls deep in... Your mom's balls deep? Yeah. I mean, that's, you know, this is the new world. We live in an era where she could be balls deep. Where your mom could be balls deep. And that's fine. Mm-hmm. But, yeah, what if she's busy? Or she's out of service? She's out of the country.

She's at church. She's at church. And you're trying to fucking finger a butthole. Yeah, and she's on speakerphone. Yeah. Hey, moms, wonder if I could... We'll pray for you. Wonder if I was... Do some little ATN, little ass-to-mouth

with Sally. Hey, mom, is there anything important on the prayer chain going around? Do you mind if I finger this butthole real quick? Is it yours or... Probably both. It's gonna be both. Will you pop me a quick prayer, too, that she'll finger my butthole? Can you do that real quick? I'm looking to explore in advance. Yeah, yeah, I know, it's going to be both. I'll pop on your mind. Will you pop me a quick prayer too that she'll finger my butthole?

Right. Can you do that real quick? I'm looking to explore in advance. Yeah, yeah. I know, Joey. Okay, bye. Just ask me upstairs. I love you.

Bye. She said it's cool. She said it's cool. I'm going with the terms and conditions because you got to really want to watch the new season of Righteous Gemstones, which by the way, it's out and I'm watching it.

Of course. I'm watching it. It's not as good as the first season. You make me so mad. But it's still pretty good. Well, nothing course i'm i'm watching it's not as good as the first season you make me so mad but it's still pretty good well nothing that's that's that's not your classic tv there's better second seasons oh agreed like peaky blinders second season way better than the first the office season two and three better than the first um but i'm going with that i'm not no way i'm calling my it's i mean at this point it's my mom i'm calling my mom because my dad's dead uh for permission every time i have sex or jerk off could you imagine calling your dad though when he's like oh do you want he's like going through chemo or something

do you want to know something sad oh what are you i don't know i do yeah sad me okay you didn't so well i mean it just felt right that one actually feels better because of the whole mummy situation so guys come on it's so quiet in here thank you well that's the soundproofing it's so quiet that's the soundproofing that's fucking great that's good if it's that quiet um which i'm actually going to share a story about my dad coming up in the next segment so on iphone you have an app it's called find my phone and you can add people to it like i got my kids on there and stuff like that my dad my dad is on my find me and he requested that i share my location with him i don't know

when but every time I open it up, it's like, your dad's sharing your location. Would you like to share your location? And I still do it, and I go, yep. And he just spins, and be like,

can't find your dad. God damn it, Joe. Waka waka! And you click on it, try and locate him, which is a giant gray circle that has no idea where he is on the world.

Because he's not here. It's so quiet in here. So are you guys ready to hear what I'm thinking about? I don't know. You do. I have no idea if I'm ready. It's funnier than that. But it's still pretty fucking wild. it's just going like this and then it

goes it gives me an air and it says can't locate your dad but you know the the sad thing is i know where he is for a little bit you're like what if it'll like what if it connected you're like what that's why i keep doing it like someone who gets his number next i'm like you're my dad now when my i was really close to my uncle um and when he died, I remember I called his numbers a few times. Like, I don't know. It was a weird thing. Like, just maybe he'll pick up the phone. And then it would just go to the voicemail.

I'd hear his voice and voicemail. I was like, nah. Do you still, do you have like saved voicemails from your dad? I do. Yeah. Listen to him from time to time. They don't make me sad. Like, I love it. I love it love it like and i understand that too people just like kind of

save stuff and hold on to things but like when i listen to it at this sorry fucking hiccups it doesn't make me sad anymore it makes me happy and grateful when uh when i so i inherited my dad's truck and it had a blue... It was like 2011, so you hook up the Bluetooth through the old way. And I'll never forget the day I was trying to hook up my phone. And there was other recordings on there or something like that. And it was like, I was trying to hook it up, but I had to delete an old phone and whatever. And it goes goes and it went

And it goes Nick. Well, no it was his yeah But it was like his voice voice fuck him. It was his voice saying his name Sorry, I don't know So like that back then you'd say like brian's phone oh yeah it would record it got a click call from and then um because it wants you to name the phone or whatever and then when i it heard him he goes nick he's like said his name and i was just it was like that's so weird just like hearing the voice in the same seat yeah i know what a weird fucking life things are just like what are we doing out here oh i know we got plenty of that too go home and grab stuff and you're like god

damn dude you remember all the memories that go along with it um so this next story i'm going to share with you i mean it's cutting pretty deep into the like the paisley family tree but i promise you it's going to be enjoyable chainsaw like or just like an axe just chipping away there's people in this story that wish they could have fucking used the chainsaw to take care of some other people you ready all right let's go zacky poe hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Okay, and there's nothing like, there's nothing bad.

But just buckle up for a wild, a wild ride. Saddle up, partner. Saddle up. And I, we were talking about something else. It was actually just before the recording that we're doing today. And I was like, oh shit, I don't think I've ever, ever shared this. I've told people. Well, when I said my hatred for lesbians.

Oh yeah, that was it. Hatred for lesbians. Come on, you have to say you're sorry. You don't hate lesbians. No, I was being sarcastic. People thought. I hope you say it like that. And everyone's like, oh yeah. I know you're kidding.

I made a joke and everyone thought I hate lesbians. I'm like, no, I love lesbians. But it did remind me of a real fun story. We'll take you guys right on through a story that begins when little Joey fucking... Chestnut? Joey New Boots Paisley was born. New Boots? Okay.

So I was born in the beautiful town of Salmon, Idaho. It is beautiful. And there's plenty of salmon. And the Salmon River runs through it. You can picture it. Big old mountains. Got a lot of fucking hot springs. And my parents, for whatever reason, when they left Ohio, they decided Salmon, Idaho

was where they were going to go. Your favorite player, Tim Salmon? Yeah, sure. Why not? Fuck it. But it was, again, growing up, it was so funny to go back there. We had to play that different Little League tournaments in Salmon, Idaho. Like, I didn't grow up there. But then, like, it was so funny to go back there. We had to play that different Little League tournaments in Sam and Idaho.

Like, I didn't grow up there. But then, like, I was good at baseball. And so all the other, they're like, you should have been playing for us. It's like, I don't even fucking know who you are. Traitor. The last you saw me, I was eight months old. Can we all move on? I was still shitting myself.

You were fucking in college, weren't you? How old are you guys? No, not me. I was speaking for you. You're like, dude, I'm still shitting myself you were fucking in college weren't you how old are you guys uh no not me i was speaking for you you're like dude i'm still shitting myself but you were in college when i was eight months old right yeah we're that we're that big difference so my brother is already out and about you know doing he was born and enjoying his life in salmon idaho and when my mom was pregnant with me things weren't going so well between my dad and my mom so they they weren't like officially divorced but they were separated but they were still in the salmon area were they were there were there other fish in the sea is that where you're going with this you're about to see whoa see get it you got it she was quite the catch

guy all right hookinging the power bait ladder. Fish stuff. You're reeling me in with the story here. Buckle up. Tackle box it. And when I was born, my mom called my dad. I'm hooked. And my dad shows up to the delivery room with his new girlfriend. Oh, God.

And again, the ending of this do with the ending of this. You're going to see, like, it's fine. Right now, it doesn't sound so good. So, my dad shows up with new girlfriend. My mom knew who the girlfriend was. So, it wasn't like it was like, surprise. Wait, wait. It was a hooker from Vegas.

Hold on. I'm sorry. This was your birth? Me being born. I remember like it was yesterday. There was a time. So, they conceived you. Yes. Are you getting to this? Or do I need to? Yeah. No. Yeah remember it like it was yesterday. There was a time, so they conceived you. Yes.

Are you getting to this or do I need to? Yeah, no, yeah, yes. They had, my parents had the sex. Yeah. And then the marriage wasn't going great and they separated while my mom was pregnant with me. Got it. Okay. So now my mom is giving birth and my dad shows up with new girlfriend.

Taking birth. Yeah. He's catching. And he's just, he's browsing. and so i'm born and my dad is there with new girlfriend great fine i come out i turn out however i do i think i was a big baby like a 10 something not not important to talk about that can i say something really quick just really quick yeah and maybe you're going to say this but if you don't i don't want to forget um i just visualize you being born the doctor taking you out giving them to your dad giving them a dad's girlfriend yeah like he's holding

it and then he gives her her and she gets to hold you and she and she leaves with me no she just gets to hold you before your mom my mom does yeah i know i don't think it was that fucked up okay but that's where i went yeah Yeah. So I'm born. Things are great, whatever. They go home with me. And then at this point, my dad and new girlfriend, I have to give her a name. I'm going to call her Kay. Okay, I'm not going to give like actual names.

I'm going to give girlfriend Kay. And they leave. And they separate. My mom is still there. And girlfriend Kay and my dad, they go to Seattle. And my mom ends up moving to Haley's Sun Valley area, which is where I grew up. So for the first little handful of years of my life, I'm hopping back and forth between Seattle and Sun Valley before my dad did eventually move there to make things easier.

So let's bump back over to Seattle. The relationship with girlfriend Kay didn't work out. So now this is my dad in Seattle and he meets my stepmom. We'll call her M, K2. Call her K2. Summit. No, we'll call her M. I'm just trying to leave names out.

It doesn't fucking matter, but whatever. We'll call her M. And they started dating and so with my stepmom and my dad my brother and me we moved back to sun valley so now we're closer to where my mom is how old are you now i don't remember like well i still kind of lived there i just had to jump back and forth it was like every few months i was going between fucking sun valley and seattle uh i mean not great i remember it being fucking awesome i'm sure it was awful for the parents having to do all that shit um you know like raise kids responsibly and so we moved

back yeah so we moved back down to the valley and we're all in the same spot okay we're gonna fast forward through a ton of years my stepmom uh mrs m wonderful lady kind of like jesus's life just wait till i start building shit um and doing magic tricks so we grow up everything's fine and i i knew it like okay so when my brother and i would go to college i have a little sister that lives you know between mom and or stepmom and my dad so once my little sister left the nest, they immediately divorced. They parted up. Your dad and your stepmom. Yes.

So they split the second my little sister left. They were like, we're done. So then I started piecing together a little bit more. So it turns out that before my dad met my stepmom, she had never dated a guy. She was a lesbian. So that was like the first guy relationship that she was in was with my father. So they're down there and I should have known, I guess didn't know. But like, you know, she wore jeans all the time and she did not dress like a girl at all. But I didn't piece it together growing up.

Just always my stepmom. She was wonderful so when they separated my stepmom left my dad for the girl that was at my birth the girlfriend k whoa so they're married now weird it might yeah so my dad basically who he left in seattle met somebody else they didn't know each other they just happened to all go back to the same valley knowing of the area and then they they separated and my stepmom is now married to the girl the girlfriend that was at my birth and they're happy and my little sister and her daughter are the best of friends and they had been for many many many years leading up to that so were they lesbian or bisexual

well they i mean lesbian but bisexual at some point because they had kids yeah so like but they don't want like i mean you can talk to plenty of girls they wish they never had to fucking talk to a dude but they want to have babies Yeah Yeah yeah I know a couple of gals that are That are like in relationships with women Who were married with children Right So they had no idea who anybody was

That's crazy And then ended up Yeah he ended up getting left For his original girlfriend That he brought to my childbirth Anyway The happy part of tying this all back in is when my dad was sick,

you had girlfriend Kay, you had my stepmom and you had my mom, and all of them together were the A-team of taking care of my dad when he had brain cancer. I thought you were going to say they dug the hole and they couldn't wait for him to die. They just dumped him.

Going over there, cleaning the house, taking care of him, all that stuff, and it wasn't weird. and they dug they couldn't wait for him to die and just dumped it no like like like going over there cleaning the house taking care of them like all that stuff and it wasn't weird and that's like a big i don't know it's a just like an example of hey fucking life is weird yeah and shit gets really weird yeah that's adult shit yeah just just grow up like yeah my dad was my dad you know and he did stuff and i got a half brother that like lives in a different part of the country that's just life but when it comes to the end of the day they were all in the area and they all took care of them made dinner for them and my new stepmom cleaned the house took him for walks you know would watch him overnight when you know

stepmom 2.0 as i've said needed a break like stay there with them like you know what it was just like this beautiful happy family coming off of a a script that hollywood couldn't even write charlie's angels sure what jimmy's angels yeah yeah joey's angels no without cory's angels you ever heard of that cory Corey Feldman's Have Eyes show. Oh, God. Remember that video? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he had a whole show where he had this Corey's Angels.

They all... I wanted him to be telling the truth about all that stuff, and then he's like, I'm going to bring it all down. And then he did, and then nothing happened. Yeah. He said some stuff, and then none of it was proved. Now Mel Gibson's the guy that's going to do it, I guess. Man, we'll see. All right.

We'll see, Mel. We'll see, buddy. That's a great story so that was that that that's kind of a confession of my own i mean there there are people that like like family members who have squabble over money or something that just don't talk to each other and hold this grudge when you have some people who have like legit reason to be upset and can put it all aside and they and they have done that the entire time like it wasn't at least he chose well like the ladies he chose they were good good ladies yep absolutely i know in ohio and i learned a lot of this like later on

like i had no idea is your mom like um women too is she a lesbian no she's not because they could all be like like a it's like a step it's not a step wife they're just wives well and it's like golden girls but they're all they go have golden showers the golden shower girls nice oh yeah and that's why girls are lesbians because of what you just said because of things like that but anyway that was that are you ready to jump into the confessions yeah we have a ton to get to yeah i'm glad that wasn't as dark as i maybe thought it was going to go no based off the original but it is wild yeah that's wild it's a wild ride baby dead parents are pretty funny that's some small town shit though too well yeah but that's the whole that's

the fun part of it it had nothing to do with the town size. Yeah. Because he did not know the other person was there. It's just weird, fucking weird, weird stuff. Okay. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Yeah, he does. Confessions, Zach? You want to push the button? Confessions. Oh, sorry.

Confessions. Keep it down, Joe. Be a quiet fella. We're kicking things off with a goddamn bang. Yeah? This is a... Come on! What?

Remember that? NBA Jam? Creed! Come on! What? Oh, yeah, the tour? They're doing the boat thing. The boat, I mean...

They're doing boat stuff? Like, we can't... Should we go to that? No. Yeah, that's what I was saying. We can't, like, afford to do, do like a national gathering of kids and geese but we can fucking we can have i'll gather around creed what if what if everyone brings everyone together what if everyone pays their own way that's what i'm saying can you don't you're just on the cruise i don't know

something to kick around we'll talk about it down with that so here we go first confession it says hey fathers of the year. I have a confession so deep I made a new email address just to send this in. I have never and I will never admit this. Joey Duck at Gmail. Yeah. Not Brian. It's Brian Albrand, but just with an I. Okay, we get it.

I have never and will never admit this to anyone. And I completely understand that this is even too much to put on air. But don't worry, it's not murder. We'll see. Growing up, I had a biological sister, three stepbrothers, and one stepsister. I was the youngest, and my stepsister, who was not blood-related or even close to having the same DNA as me. Is this going to be on Pornhub? No, but you don't put that in parentheses and not have a reason you put that in parentheses.

Was a couple months older than me. Anyway, they used to always visit for the summer, so we'd always see them three months out of the year. When I was about 15, me and my siblings all stole some liquor from my dad's garage and snuck it into this camper we would sometimes use to sleep outside. We all got a little drunk, and me and my step-sister hooked up in the middle of the woods. Anyways. Come close to being that good or to blowing him? No one's ever seen my penis. And to this day, I keep it tucked. Yeah.

Every time they start going down, no, no, no. You are not related. It's for me. Only me. I've got step. I'm looking for fall. Anyways, from then on, we hooked up constantly until I was about 18. No one ever figured it out.

We even had sex in the next room when I had friends over who kept telling me my step sister was hot oh you should totally hit your step sister yeah i'd be crazy right wow man go to heaven uh she lived with us for her senior year oh my god and i was used to it and i was used as a booty call or sexual frustration tool when she was dating other guys my self-esteem was very high can Can't you tell? Offspring reference. Nice. Hey, man. No, that's not a different song. We never got caught. My girl got up.

Nope. That's the wrong song. Yeah. You got to keep them separated. Just singing the wrong offspring songs over and over and over again. Pretty fly for a white guy that was it we never got we never got caught and even though i rarely use a condom nothing ever happened

risky business yeah it is that's not brian albrand yeah but i kind of fucked with my sex drive because every girl i've ever been with after, I compare to her. God, I wish you were like my sister. Stop! After we stopped, she has never even hinted at doing it again and acts like it never happened. I honestly don't know how to feel about it, but the past is the past. Anyways, hope you had fun with that. Yeah, I'm fucking so hard.

It honestly felt amazing to admit that to someone. Love the podcast. Hope Brian could read it all right. Fun fact. Once my sister got drunk and told people she was fucking her brother, and they thought she meant one of her biological brothers, and that was funny as fuck. That's a great way to end it.

Oh, by the way. By the way, P.S. P.S.S. P.S.S.S.S. P.S.S.S.S. Confuse the fuck out of the fam. Yeah, what was that? You can't. Anyway, you guys ever heard of cliffhangers?

Yeah. Thanks, Not Brian. Is there more to this story? That was it. I mean, fuck. I've never been in a step anything relationship. I'm sure a lot of people have there's got to be reason that the porn sites all say fuck step thing step brother step sister naughty

this whole channel is like naughty step sister oh yeah bratty stepsis and every time i click on it i'm like girl girl step girl step dad stepdad in front of his real daughter or whatever. Step female stuck in step bro's laundry basket. It's just weird because she has so many stepdads. It's like, oh my God, this lady's got 45 stepdads. I saw you in the other step thing. There's five stepdads at once. What's going on here?

She was in a 12 stepdad program. I watched you fuck a stepladder i remember i mean when i was younger and i i had a crush on my um step my step cousin i guess so it was like the cousin the cousin of my stepbrother so we were you know not even close to being related yeah but it was weird because we're like basically family but i never saw him hardly have they lived on they lived in somewhere else so i would see him once a year maybe but i just remember being like gosh she's so cute yeah i think but it wasn't i nothing we're no relation at all i feel like i might be going i don't know maybe too far but i think it's safe to say like i mean nothing has ever happened but it feels like if you're a a boy and you have a girl cousins i think it's kind of like a natural

thing where you're like not like you don't like not going to do something but you're young to a point where you're like she's hot because you can spend so much time around them it's just like that first interaction when all the hormones are flying through the goddamn roof of your pants i remember asking my mom can i can people marry their cousins right she's like no i was like ah damn yeah and i don't know the study on it and i hope i'm not being a total weirdo but i feel like that's like a very natural thing it's not it's the cousin super weird we're you're oh no you just said you just said but if we were all if we're all children of the corn um the the uh the dude with the rib uh adam mcdonald's adam the mcrib

it's like jesus coming back the mcrib's back for a limited time jesus has returned um i mean if we're then we're all related right we're all fucking sure like 30th cousins or something yeah we're all fucking each other's cousins and sisters nice that's what i want that's probably why the world isn't the way it is geopolitically right anyway so there's that i'm glad you never got caught i just feel bummed that like the rest of his life he's comparing it to something you never can talk about what a hell what a jail for this poor fella yeah because it sounds like he's like he wishes they could stay together and she's like it never happened there's gonna be there's gonna be somebody else buddy move on i promise you

there's no way she's the best well you never know maybe she legally it's tough to beat that much hey what'd you say it's tough to beat that much naughtiness yeah when you're when you're running around you're hiding and you're like and it's and then she lives with you and they're thinking oh you and your cousin and you're like sneaking sneaking out or not cousin step yeah yeah i got you they don't They don't think you guys are doing it But you are And then you never Get that spark

That fun again I get that I get that Okay Alright let's move on to the next confession Alright You wanna rock and roll It's a short little one

So I'll try this one I'll have it go When I was a wee gosling of 18 or 19 years old I was wandering in the woods around my parents' house during the winter. Came across a patch of ice that for whatever reason caught my attention. Ice! Whoa! Ah, slick!

Danger! Okay. Ice fishing. That's one reason to have you can't you maybe maybe be like you like to ice fish oh right okay not sure what was going through my head probably fantasizing about some I had someone I had a crush on your cousin any any how I chipped a hole in the ice with my pocket knife and proceeded to utilize said hole. We will fuck anything, won't we?

God, you bet your ass we will. You put a hole in the wall, baby, and you'll fuck the hole in the wall. Yeah. Even if it's a hole in the floor. Even if it freezes your dick off. Anyway, what's the thing? Eventually coming into the freezing water. I remember the ice being

very smooth and the cold tingling in an exciting way but it wasn't so amazing that i ever tried it again it's like it was good but like was it the best sex yeah i prefer my bodies to be warm uh-huh yeah i prefer my stepsister and this ice just didn't cut it it's the same guy it's the fucking same guy my warm vagina owning stepsister yeah prefer that over a fucking ice hole dudes will fuck anything and i believe girls will too like you can't tell me that you have a a cavern and you haven't stuck just some funny weird shit in there the way that i envision it though is like i could will this stapler fit i'm about to find a woman being like i'm kind of in the mood and she could find anything to use but a guy's just like that the hole made you in the mood yeah yeah yeah that's the thing like she

gets in the mood and she's like, let's try different things. The guy's like, I could probably chip a hole in that and fuck it. I've never... I've never done that. I've never done that. But I would. There's plenty of times where I'd be like, yeah, that suitcase looks pretty good. I could fuck that suitcase.

Yeah. Never going to look at ice the same Not till you take care of it I mean all the work that had to go in To make that I imagine he's like cutting it And he's like smoothing it out And everything

He's making it nice and pristine Yeah he's chipping away He's blowing on it to like Heat the ice a little bit To mold it Mold it into a nice Fuckable ice hole I imagine his warm

Warm throbbing cog was was penetrating through the ice and just melting around it so you got to be quick or else you're gonna melt it too big you'd be like fucking a the old hot dog in the hallway whatever they said i couldn't imagine like doing that for that long and then like how would you use well and you mess it up longer you're cutting it out and you're like god damn it you slide down Well, you'd last longer. You're cutting it out. And you're like, God damn it. You slide down. And then you slide on the ice four feet over and start again. On a new ice pussy.

God damn it. Imagine talking nerdy to the nerdy. Talking dirty to the ice. You're like, oh. You like when I. It's clear ice. You're like, you're talking to the fish. Yeah.

Underneath. The fish is up and going, I're talking to the fish. Yeah. Underneath. The fish is up and going, I'm going to warm you up, aren't I? He's looking for something to eat. There's a dead body floating. It's a sizable worm. You're throwing some chum in there. You're like, yeah, you fucking get it, you wide mouth slut. The fish is just...

Starts nibbling on the tip of your dick. You big mouth bass bitch. You big mouth bitch oh looks like perfect for sucking some ice dick anyway all right should we move on okay here we go so on to another confession yeah but guys will fuck anything yeah um true so this is a dumb story i can't tell anyone outside of my kids and my wife. I must tell someone because it's quite funny. Wait.

Okay. Must not be that bad if he's telling his kids. My family and I went on vacation recently to a decently well-known tourist destination when they won't even tell you where you went. At least a well-known in the Midwest. I know where it is. It's Cedar Point. It's Lincoln, Nebraska. No, it's Cedar Point.

That'd be great. That's where it was. That'd be cedar point it's lincoln nebraska no it's cedar point that would be that'd be great that's where it was heavy funsies i've thought about i keep fantasizing about going back anyway we were having a great time and we decided to do an escape room but had over an hour to kill before our appointment so we decided to head to the downtown area of the town we were just in there to check it out we paid for parking and my wife had to take our youngest to the bathroom well we parked right next to a cbd shop that was selling delta eight and delta nine which are you know strands of wheat if you didn't i assume i think it was cocaine or something i assume because it was cbd shop that but i could be cocaine but dungeon you don't know you don't know uh i was intrigued that it was legal and thought maybe i could try some never had it before uh so maybe it's gonna be

some fun so i went into the shop and bought two packages of 300 milligram delta 8 gummy now full disclosure i am not a drug person i've smoked weed seven times my life the illegality of it stopped me from pursuing it. I've had jobs. I would not look kindly on it. So 300 milligrams didn't seem like much to me, of course. Dummy me. I didn't even look it up before I decided to put, in all caps,

the whole gummy in my mouth and eat it. That is a bad choice. What's funny is 300 milligrams just seems so light. But when you're talking about substances, Zach, you're a weed fella yeah i don't do that much that's a lot it's a lot you and how long you've been doing weeds since i was born how you've been doing marijuana if you were to do a whole time if you were to do a gummy and you've been doing weeds all the time what would be a lot of of milligrams for you to eat certainly that amount 300 yeah certainly that amount okay i would say i mean i'm like 10 20 i don't do that 40 feet tall yeah well that i smoke from the

marijuana pipes that's true that's true i've seen it you have seen it just the other day i just seen it just the other day and that was nice of you to offer it to me when my dog was sniffing your butt yeah i'm sorry to turn it down i then went ahead and walked around with my family for close to an hour not feeling a single thing anybody who's taken gummies knows this situation and it's the number one mistake that you can make with any drug ever yes where you can always take more you can never take less so just chill the fuck out they didn't sell you a dud just it's coming give it time just just whole buckle up fucking buttercup didn't feel a single thing i was thinking that delta 8 must be weak or maybe it didn't affect you as much the first time

i can relate to this okay so i just shrugged and went about my day oh well waste of money we finally made it to the escape room and everything is going great we're finding keys left and right keys of what hey uh about the 15 minute mark i noticed my mouth getting really dry at first i thought i was just dehydrated because it was hot and i was sweating or swear it's a swearing but I think you mean sweating. I was hot. I was, fuck! They were finding all the keys, so you shouldn't be sweating. Yeah, exactly.

You're killing it. Then I start feeling my head get cloudy, and all the aches in my back and legs I always have melt away. I was enjoying the feeling. Then the 30-minute mark hit, and I was not okay. My legs started to feel like they weren't going to be able to support my weight anymore. My vision became like I was in a dream, barely able to focus. I needed to try something, so I left the room.

Got a drink of water, and I sit down for a minute. After about a minute or so, I think I'm feeling a bit better. What a high thing to do. Oh, I finally passed. The wave's over. Thank God. You just go out, and you're like, whoo. You just take a couple strolls around the hallway, and you're like, okay. Oh, fuck, it's back. I beat it. Thank God. You just go out and you're like, whoo! You just take a couple strolls around the hallway

and you're like, oh, fuck, it's back. I beat it. I win. Okay, where was I? Get a drink of water, sit down for a minute after a minute so I'm feeling better.

I last about five minutes. I look at my wife and I say, I'm not okay. I think my legs aren't working anymore. And I feel like a dream. She looks at me visibly confused. Then I just turn around and walk out the door and get into the car. I left my head back or I lay my head back, close my eyes.

The next thing I know, I hear knocking on the window. My wife is saying that they want to take a picture. Great. Amazing myself. I'm able to walk. My legs are still working. I thought for sure I was going to fall. And I put on my best normal face, fake laugh at the things he said and everyone said, and

then hurry back out to the car. If you've ever been to an escape room, they have all the dumb prop like photo booth shit on the back end. I beat the room. You have a little Viking hat. You're like, pose. So this dude is just tripping balls. People are saying shit and he's just fake laughing.

That's so funny. He has a big pirate sword. That was very witty. Then I see this dude. He's like, got it. He just throws all his shit down and walks right back out to the car. Okay. I lay my head back. Then we go, hurry back out of the car.

There I tell my wife I'm freaking out on Delta 8, and I think I need to go to the hospital. At this point, I'm hyperventilating and freaking out that I'm going to die. She looked at me and said, you can't overdose on that. You're being dramatic. I say, of course I'm being dramatic. I'm fucking dying. Yeah, duh. Idiot.

Calm down. No one's ever died. But I am. But I am. Who do you think you are at this point she just rolls her eyes and says well we're gonna go to the hotel and you can sleep it off uh it was the longest drive ever i couldn't open my eyes without freaking the fuck out so needless to say i keep them closed we finally get back to the hotel and she pulls up to the door i insist that my eldest son come with me because I was sure my legs weren't going to work on the room. As soon as he got out, I grabbed his arm for support and he, of course, is laughing his ass off at me. We walk all the way to the hotel room and I finally lay down.

It took me four hours to stop tripping balls and get to the point where my head only kind of felt like it was dreaming. When I finally sobered up a bit, my wife approached me me and said what kind of dumb ass doesn't read directions that package said you're supposed to take one fourth of it you dummy and she was not wrong i was a moron i didn't feel fully sober again until two days later it was not an experience i would want to repeat well that was my dumb story like i said i had to tell someone. Man. I lived that. The first time I ever took gummies, I did that. And I was at work. And I was like, I don't feel anything.

She gave me more. I think I took three different things. And then it all kicked in. And it was hours. It's the worst. Hours. Look, I've been too high on a lot of drugs i think being too high on marijuana is the worst one out of all of them definitely with edibles yeah just it's it is the fucking

worst like molly whatever molly cocaine shrooms i've never been too far in acid the couple times i've done it luckily been like it was like oh it did the right amount of acid thank you thank god but like too much of the other ones yeah they're not a good time not the best it's like you're just anxious you're not liking it but too much on marijuana like i feel like i would be fine just being dead like i just i'm like i want this hell to end it's just too much too much for me so it's just crazy how you can't do anything about it you just have to wait that's it yeah just like oh yeah just forget oh don't worry about it you can't die you're like okay that it's like trying to reason it's like someone's having a panic attack it's like just don't panic yeah can you just like calm down a bit yeah oh oh that's everything thank you yeah once you cross into that threshold if i need to go to the hospital on too much pot there's no coming back you're not you're not coming back around um when i come around

what are you gonna say zach i had a grower and he gave me a cookie that show her he was he showed too but he gave me a cookie one time uh it was a long time ago. And I remember he's like, just eat a little bit. And I didn't know what a little bit was. And I ate more than that. And I was staying in this weird house. And this guy had like little troll dolls all over the place. Oh, no. It fucked with me so bad.

It was so weird. I recorded a song that night, too. It was awful. I'm sure it was great. Oh, that'd be great. It's called The Wash. It was about fucking. It's called Hotel California.

Basically. Hotel Troll California. Hotel Troll-a-bonia. Yeah. it was about fucking it's called hotel california basically hotel troll hotel troll abonia yeah if you don't watch out of troll abonia troll abonia uh yeah because normally not a hallucinogenic drug but i have been so fucking high on marijuana it is the floor is warping the ceiling's not there everything is not what you think it is like for sure you can get so high it turns into some sort of hallucinogenic well for me it was terrifying because i nightmare i'd never done an edible before and i'd only smoked weed a couple times but i never really it was like i smoked it but i didn't really ingest enough to get like super high so my first

experience of just getting really high was with with edibles, and it happened all at once. And so I had no perspective of, okay, this is what this is. Yeah. Even though that doesn't, I mean, at the moment doesn't help, but at least knowing that, okay, you're fucking high and it'll pass. Because I didn't realize it went in waves. Oh, yeah. Because I thought I was done. I was like, fuck.

And then it was like, and it just kept going in waves. Every time I thought it was done, it would come back. Oh, I think I can walk now. Yeah, and you get about 20 feet. You're like, oh. I was in a restaurant, and I was just sitting there. My hands were between my legs. Was it an Arctic Circle?

It was in Azteca. In Coeur d'Alene. Here in beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene. Beautiful. Downtown Coeur d'Alene. That's Riverstone. I worked in Riverstone. Yeah, that's not downtown. Don't you fucking dare. I just wanted to say beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene. That's Riverstone. I worked in Riverstone. Yeah, that's not downtown.

Don't you fucking dare. I just wanted to say beautiful downtown. Downtown Coeur d'Alene. Hey, me. All right. Should we do the next one? Yes, we have to. All right.

I've got time for this one and then maybe one more after it. Okay. Honk, honk, mother effers. Let's do taking a guess with the music here. Yeah, cool. I can honk mother effers. Let's do taking a guess with the music here. Yeah, cool. I think I dig that. I have a confession that involves taking a random object. Yes. Okay. And I should probably remain anonymous.

Nice. Back when my first wife and I lived in an apartment, we had friends over partying. The neighbor's son the neighbor's son's girlfriend missed the turn into the apartment complex and took out a fire hydrant. Unlike TV and movies, it just simply laid the hydrant over and not shooting water. Oh, boo.

Yeah, that's lame. We thought a good idea to snag and hide it in the apartment. When we moved out, we took it to my ex-father-in-law's since we were moving to a trailer on his land and put it in his garage. Okay. My daughter just confirmed today that is still at his house after 16 years sent me a pic now we may or may not be planning another caper oh my goodness i remember doing that kind of stuff in college like we would steal signs or whatever and you walk into our apartment and they're just there's like hot dog signs from

gas stations and just weird shit everywhere. It's like BOGO sale. So this Sunday only. And you're like, why is this in the kitchen? You're like, why are you in the kitchen? Why is anything in the kitchen? Why is anything in the kitchen? Why am I here?

Just fucking pounding black velvet or whatever. You ever do black velvet stuff? Yuck. Is black velvet everywhere or is that just a Northwest thing? I have no idea about you. Black velvet and a little more smack. You think you have gotten fucked up on whiskey until you have gotten fucked up on black velvet. Yuck.

It is the worst. Hangover and the first three times I got pregnant. It's like the Mad Dog of hard liquor. Oh, yeah. And there's also silver gold, which is the vodka version. Good stuff. Anyway. hard liquor oh yeah and there's also silver gold which is the vodka version good stuff anyway yeah you ever steal like a joe avenue or no i never did the street sign actually i never stole it but just the way that my room was uh growing up like i did a lot of things that were stolen ended up in my room and a lot of them i didn't fucking take but i did remember taking a crosswalk sign i remember my brother's friend so i was pretty young i was

probably a freshman in high school they took a stop sign and i remember my dad losing it he's like you can't he's like i mean you can't take a stop sign now people aren't gonna stop like you can kill and did it you can kill if he's like can't oh i can't take a stop sign now people aren't gonna stop i just fucking did it you can kill a face i can't oh i can't check this out like makes the metal fucking stop sign oh i can't oh i can't well how'd i do this and what's this jim if i can't do it how'd i do this hitting on it no he's like someone's gonna run it and fucking die. Go put the fucking stop. So they made my brother and his friend go put the stop sign back. But we had the crosswalk sign.

I mean, cones. Those are freebies. Oh, yeah. That's like the middle of a bingo card. We used to put those here. Roundabouts. When the roundabout was new. It was like we went and took signs and put in the roundabout and just fucked everything up.

Setting up fake detours. Did that plenty? Where there's like one here and you're like, ah, like signs and put in the roundabout and just fucked everything up. Setting up fake detours. Did that plenty. Where there's like one here and you're like, ah, like they closed it for the night. And you just reset it up on a different street. That's always a good time. And you sit back and watch cars like, why is it closed? We took for sale signs from people's yards and put them in other people's yards. Nice.

So somebody would call and be like, I'm looking at the place on 227 Johnson Street. Yeah. Like it isn't for sale. It's not there. There's a sign that says for sale. I'm in the the place on 227 Johnson Street. Yeah. Like, it isn't for sale. It's not there. There's a sign that says for sale. I'm in the house right now. Yeah. Yeah.

They're having an open house. It's not for sale. No, I kicked the door in. Like, it's open. It's open. The whole house is wide open. They're on vacation. There's a family here, and they have duct tape on their mouths.

And they said the same thing you said. Yeah, they said the same thing. Like, no way. That's so weird. They said the same thing you guys did. Oh my God, you're not going to believe this. You're not going to believe it. Here, listen.

I told you the house was offensive. See? See? You call me a liar I just think it's weird You guys all have the same story Oh it's not for sale Corroboration Everything's for sale I'm calling the police

You guys are fucking Espionage We had a baby it's a boy Good stuff yeah stealing stuff zach ever steal stuff you get you can see you're giant you had to steal stuff i think i may have told the story here already but i stole a giant children at play sign in ponderay no you didn't tell this and i fucking fucked it we were 20 years old we were getting into a bar for the first time yeah and we i rolled my car and we hid out in the woods for 24 hours it was a great time and we didn't get to keep the

sign but we thought just like you did like hey that'd look real cool in our little college dorm room uh-huh and then it came out real easy and then somebody was like hey fuck you kids and i was like let's go oh geez and then the road turned from road to dirt road and then we were fucked and if it wasn't for a single pole we would have rolled down a precipice and then the road turned from road to dirt road and then we were fucked and if it wasn't for a single pole we would have rolled down a precipice and then somebody wrote a song about it yeah i did i don't know dirt road hotel california i wrote a song called headlights actually yeah that is oh zach i haven't heard this one i need to hear this one in full detail i've got not now i know yeah i've got a lot of stupid shit oh i know I know you do. I've met you. I've done mainly stupid shit.

Real quick. Oh, I know. Real quick. You've been smoking weed since you were born. Tons of dumb shit you've done. Your mom was laying in the bed and there's smoke just come out of her vagina. Little smoke rings? Yeah, it's like...

Little bong noises. We've never seen this before. It's like... And the doctor's like, oh, that's cool. That's a sick ring. Yeah. Damn, this baby's blown. That's a sick ring. Yeah. Damn. This baby's put a ring on it.

It's just been blown rings like mad. Shit's lit. Um, okay. Real quick. Real quick. Go ahead. Um,

when we were at the all-star game, uh, in Seattle, that's where we're, the game got over and we were at a bar across the street and we're there till close. And me and my buddy were just kind of walking across the street and we were there till close and me and my buddy were just kind of walking down the street back to the hotel and there was these people that were

ripping down they put signs up like the guys that were on the all-star team they put signs up over the old mariner ones where the stadium is oh okay yeah and they were just like ripping them off the wall and throwing them over their shoulder and just walking down the street yeah and i was looking at him like you know like they're not gonna they're done with these like what what would they do they throw them away yeah yeah i was like we should just we didn't do it but i was like god how fucking cool would it be have to like a vladimir guerrero jr giant fucking the size of my wall cover your bathroom wall yeah poster yeah it would have been pretty goddamn cool and i would and that's what they're saying right now in their man cave yeah and you just weren't drunk enough my yeah i wasn't drunk enough

and my my concern was that they had cameras or whatever and like i don't want to get banned from my home field baseball stadium you know so there's all these thoughts going through my head like do it and then like no don't do it don't do it the guy that printed them she's like i hope these end up in the hall of Fame one day. Right. So proud of him. He's getting pissed on and set on fire. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Some dude with a light and fart fires in his apartment. Fuck this dude. Julio Blomez. Blomez Zagigas. What? Setting a record and shitting the bed the bed farting all over his poster okay one last one then we gotta move on um and this this one cracked

me up just fucking dads fucking dads okay here we go it's our final one i picked a song play the song there it is hey daddies i have a confession to make on someone else's behalf. I've got a confession to make. I'm no fool. I love how the entire show today is just 90s outbursts. Hey daddies, I have a confession to make

on someone else's behalf. I'm no fool. When I was a wee lad, my dad used to take my little brother and i for car rides just to get us out of the house so my mom could relax for a bit guess we were just too rowdy sometimes question mark anyways growing up we had this old dodge caravan with a sliding door the door never liked to latch shut and would occasionally swing open if my dad made a turn too hard one evening when my mom had had enough of us kids going bonkers my dad loaded us up put me in the front my little bro in his car seat in the back my dad must have been in a hurry because he never strapped in the car seat we made it about a block from the neighborhood then he made one turn too fast the sliding door flew open right as my brother in his car seat

tumbled out in his car seat jesus thankfully he tumbled onto someone's lawn miracle she met guys out like watering his plants is that a fucking baby baby control i guess burst into laughter as i hear my little i hear my little brother burst into tears my dad made me swear to never tell her mom the car burst into flames everyone's bursting everyone's bursting starburst my dad made me swear to never tell her mom. And as far as I know, she still doesn't know. Oh, wow. Thanks for all the laughs.

I've got another juicy confession of my own that I may share sometime soon. Can you imagine being that dad? And the kid, fuck, and someone closed the door and he just turned around and looked back and the kid and the car seat are gone. And the door's swinging. Not to your mom. Oh, shit. Like, just picture that, like like baby seat hitting a fucking mailbox and then everything's fine like everybody's fine that should be that's whatever car seat that was

they need to put that in a commercial yeah i have to assume if you're the dad you're thinking this kid's dead like while you're driving back to the lawn, I have to explain to my wife. Why the kid's dead. Yeah. Which I mean, if she was that fed up, she might be relieved. All right. You did her a favor. Yeah, exactly.

You're welcome. You come back expecting a blowjob. Is it Casey Anthony? No. She has a daycare. He's busy. he's a busy girl these days but like just being a dad just the dumbest get in the car and just throw a just not even strap it in oh man like what's yeah i'm glad everyone's okay but fuck my ass huh

am i right yeah yeah all right you want to look at some good news? Fucking real good. On a fucking your ass today. Yeah. So we didn't get to a few, but we'll save these other confessions for another. Another confessions thing. For another. We got plenty. Oh, yeah. We just got to skip about three or four today.

Yeah. But that's okay. I kind of, I mean, we knew that was going to happen. They're long and hard and good. You get it. All right. We're going back to some science shit. You ready?

I am. All right. Fuck yeah, dude. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Oh, fuck.

Anyway. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. So we've talked about the teeth growing. It wasn't last week. I think it was the week before we talked about dick farms. Dick farms. We talked about the kid that got hit on his bike and then got his head reattached right and then he just lives a normal kid life now he's doing kid things so check this out gene therapy eye drops restored a boy's sight similar treatments could help millions yes what is happening we're never gonna die

i mean they better hurry up because the way i'm living i'm going hard these days i'm gonna need i got three years challenge accepted i got a good three years then i'm like shacking the paint lately so basically it's not there's like rare genetic conditions that they have these eye drops for like some that feel like they form blisters all over but also on their eyes they have different ones like you know cataracts a blister on your eye yeah that's a rare condition um but like i mean rare means millions of people have it if you look at the six seven condition billion dollar population billion dollar yeah billion person population it's a billion dollar

industry hey but to think that you're just like all right oh shit you're going blind you're like here here vising and you squint in there clear eyes how did he get that job because he's mundane what's his name ben stein yeah i just remember monty what where but just like things that people in the past have had to live with their entire fucking life and struggle with and go blind and finally some doctors some doctors i'm assuming that one dude figured it all out we're just like yeah how about we just fucking put some gene therapy in your eye some Some guy's sitting back like this at a conference. What if you just put Visine in there? Right.

And the whole room just... Have you guys tried to put water in it? No, you idiot. Put some water in it. Watch what happens. It's crazy. Guy just gets up and walks around. Told you.

When's lunch? Right. When's lunch? I'll put some water in your eyes. But there's obviously different eye drops that already exist. But they looked at it and they're like, well, we could just fucking, why don't we just throw some gene therapy? Put a gene therapy treatment in this eye dropper. Put some denim in there?

Yeah. And just fix eyeballs. Yeah. What the fuck is going on out there? I mean, and all we hear about is all the other dumb shit. You're like, what? All these breakthroughs that that are happening kid gets his head put back on yeah and people are losing their heads growing teeth fixing blindness with eye drops and there's fucking aliens oh my god and we're not going to talk about that in the regular show today we might

in the bonus episode again i'm not trying i'm not putting upon a paywall but just the first time we talked about it was also in the same spot So that's probably where it's going to go again. Yeah, that shit is nuts. It's exactly what I wanted it to be when we first brought it up on whatever episode that was. Just so pumped that a whistleblower was talking about it. And now we finally got to hear his testimony and it's all the things I wanted. He's just like, hey!

Hey! Shut up, Johnson. I'm blowing a whistle over here. The whole, you know, the committee, was it Congress? That's the same guy. It's the guy that was like with the water. He's blowing the whistle. Have you tried water?

He's like, no, I've seen it. I've seen the aliens. Shut up. Johnson. No whistleblower. It's just a term. I bet it is. That's what they want you to think.

That's what they want you to think. That's what they want you to think. You mean whistling? Not a term. Right. Nah, just blowing the whistle over here. God, this guy's annoying. I want to hear Ben Stein and that dude from the Micro Machine commercials debate. And you just look at the word count?

He's like... Between the two? Yeah, but the real problem looking... Do you have a response? Yeah. I mean, I get what he was saying, but... but the real problem looking do you have a response yeah I mean I get what he was saying but

this kind of sounds like droopy going down here uh this thing on the internet well want to look at it sure

we'll do it when Zach does the thing Zach do the fucking the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! So this is something that I'm probably going to be just go ahead and buy for myself. Okay. Or if somebody wants to send me one, I'll be

fine with that. You start a GoFundMe for 18 bucks. Yeah. It's the weenie weenie washer. Yeah, it is. It's basically like just a soap that's shaped like a nice pretty mouth. And this is exciting

because there's like a clean ween soap. Yeah. And it's just like it's like a clean wean soap yeah and it's just like it's a donut so don't it's right i've seen those yeah you can stick your dick through and it cleans your dick and somebody looked at that and you're like it's good but i don't want to fuck it and he made it into a mouth mold with a tongue like it i mean voluptuous lips too voluptuous is that is that the word voluptuous what did i say voluptuous? Is that the word? Voluptuous. What did I say? Voluptuous. Oh, whatever. That's just one of those words.

Voluptuous. Voluptuous. Voluptuous sounds hotter, right? Yeah. That's sexier. Volumptious. Volump. Volump. Volump.

She's lump. She's lump. She's lump. She's lump. She's in my tub. She's washing my tub. She's washing my dick. Keep that theme going. I love how it says that it's a gag gift.

Yeah, it is. Because that soap's going to be gagging on my dick. The genius that goes into that. Yeah. Hey, Mr. Zach. Yeah? Do you think we can have a conversation with your wife? Yeah, absolutely.

Should we have it molded after our mouths? I thought you were going to say after his wife. Well, I mean. She might. She would do it. She's a pretty nice woman. She wouldn't. It's weird.

Okay, here's a question for you. Pick a celebrity. If they could mold the mouth. Zach's wife. No. how many do it i mean she's got a real pretty mouth she does birdie mile when i was over your ass the other day i was like calm down you mother look at that mouth when i was over your house the other day i was thinking god i wish there was some mold soap made out of that mouth god if there was that i'd like to wash my penis with her soap mouth and guess guess who's not welcome back at our house now there's only a way well here's what

you could do is you just pour some liquid soap into someone's mouth this is the something for a morgue question soap is very good to put in your mouth especially in the live process when you're making it have you ever like just uh when you're in the shower and you you know you're soaping up lathering up and then you're washing everywhere and then you just kind of go like that and you do a little squeeze tug wash and you're like oh oh that was that felt good and then you do it a couple more times you're like man it feels really good but then it's like after a while the soap it starts it's like an irritation then you remember that your hot water so tanks only so or your water tanks only heat water water tank is only so big.

No, I don't. No, I started thinking about how the soap starts. It's like an irritant. So I would imagine you need a soap that's not going to irritate you, right? Because it's like a special soap. You need the KY style. Yeah. Can we hard mold lube?

It's not just soap. It's you you pitch this as fuckable soap i want it to be like it's called fuckable like a skull skull just like it hangs it hangs in your your thing you just pull the skull off you start just thrust through like a little shoulder mount in the corner. There you go. And the more you fuck it, what that face is gonna look like? There's a prize inside? You get to the middle, there's a coupon off your next fuckable skull.

20% off your next skull fuck. 20 pumps off your next Fuckable skull What are you doing to my face He-Man He-Man What are you doing to my eyes Hey me

You can fuck ears Fuck eyes Fuck noses Fuck the neck Fuck the chin You got a drill You can fuck anything That's true

That's what my dad always told me It's one thing If I remember Till the day I died That's one thing my dad taught me You know what I'm a drill You can fuck anything I'm gonna share this with you guys It's a nice if I remember until the day I die, it's one thing my dad taught me. You know what? I'm a drill. You can fuck anything.

I'm going to share this with you guys. It's a nice treat to bring around. Not around the kids, but whenever you see a birdhouse, just always be like, oh, fuck, how'd they put a sex toy up there? Mm-hmm. It's, I mean, oh, God, that's a crazy pocket pussy. That's a high pocket pussy. Mm-hmm.

Because, you know, going back to the ice story, I'd fuck it. I'm never going gonna look at my birdhouse the same now yeah you aren't or ice yeah or ice or soap just start hanging your birdhouses at a proper height and you can start fucking those things just just get a fuckable soap it's like 70 bucks what the fuck did you get oh you mean this old guy this old thing what is it

oh it's a it's a birdhouse you can fuck it has like a little sensor in it yeah like a little bird tweets every time you fucking kick him kick him kick him

kick him kick him kick him it starts out... It's like one of those squeaky little chickens. The rubber chickens? Yes, the rubber chickens. Zach, we're counting on you, buddy. Yeah, you can fuck one of those, too. You can fuck anything.

Happy to help. We've learned. We've Yeah you can fuck one of those too You can fuck anything Happy to help We've learned We've learned you can fuck anything Let's talk to the old lady About getting some mouth Getting a mouth we can fuck Can't wait to bring it up Let's do a can you don't

Mouth fucking Mouth fucking soap Mouth fuck episode Alright And it's can you Can you do Or something like that Yeah can you don't come in my mouth

Can you Yeah And it's for your wife So you don't come in my mouth can you yeah and it's for your wife so you don't come in there while your mouth or their wait hey wives can get it for their husbands so that we won't come in their mouths we'll come in the the soap mouth so now it's that's therapeutic you wash your mouth out with soap you wash your mouth out with dick so what a weird marriage therapy a couple's therapy and you just show up and all they do is hand you like hand the dude a fuckable mouth and then kick you out like you're welcome

she's like he just has a sex drive i can't compete with the doctor's like i have something we can we can work with was it like a pill or something no it's a mouth shape like a just something so they can fuck something i've been fucking with recently. Here's a coupon on this birdhouse you can put in the shower. Dude. Dr. Phil, imagine that. Dr. Phil. Now, here's the thing. You need to buy your house being a fuckable birdhouse.

You have to assemble it? You have to carve it. Batteries not included. That's right. It lights up. Oh, my God. That's right. Cuckoo. It lights up. Oh, my God. I would fuck a birdhouse.

All right, let's move on. I swear to God. All right, let's move on and hear from the kids. Do we have time? The non-fuckable kids. We'll do one email. Okay. One email this week.

All right, Zach, fucking yeah, buddy! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right. You want me to read just this first one here? Do it. Okay, it's all caps, so.

Daddies! Super Silly Goose Daddy CJ here. Daughter. Daughter. CJ here. I work as a child and adolescent therapist, or brain wrangler, as I like to call it. And y'all have provided me a welcome comedic escape from the heaviness of my job.

However! Y'all nearly made me appear to be an insensitive asshat during a recent incident. Let me explain. I got called to a crisis situation recently for one of my clients. I was told that he had quotes, assaulted someone.

And I had to respond immediately in these situations i never know what i'm walking into these reports could be anything from throwing an eraser to pistol whipping someone preparing myself for the worst i go to the location i was called to and well i got there and here the client was apparently channeling his inner roadhouse because he had roundhouse kick someone to the face. Patrick Swayze did that. Jesus. Alright, let me talk to him and figure out what happened. I walk in and I shit you not, Patrick Swayze over here

is wearing fingerless gloves. Because of you guys I immediately cannot contain my laughter and get side-eyed by the other staff. Because I'm a grown-ass adult, I was able to pull my shit together and de-escalate the situation after incidents i have to send my recommendations to the treatment team and am i

sure to include no more fingerless gloves obviously we all know that's what caused homeboy to go wild so anyway thanks for being the cause of all my credibility as a professional going out the window jk i explained to other people afterwards and they got a good laugh about it. Also, BWIANS! Innocence on drug knowledge warmed my cold, dead heart. So thanks for that. Or whatever.

Or whatever. Love y'all. Thanks for all you do. Your super, silly goose, daughter, CJ. Fantastic.

Fan fuck. Of course it was the fingerless close. I love it. What the fuck else is it? Matt, you walk in there, you gotta be all serious. You see that guy and you're like,

you're like holding back. He's tightening him up as You walk in there You gotta be all serious You see that guy And you're like Holding back He's tightening him up As you walk in I'm gonna fucking kill everybody I'm gonna round ass Take all you motherfuckers Anyway Alright well that's our show

That's show 60 We gotta jump off For that bonus shit Are you ready Reminder If you do wanna hear The back end content Of every single episode

You can sign up And support us on Patreon At patreon.com Slash can you don't podcast Of course we're on the socials Got the YouTube Got the email address At heyguys content of every single episode. You can sign up and support us on Patreon at patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Of course, we're on the socials. Got the YouTube. Got the email address at heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com Uncle Zach doing that scat cast.

Saucy ass scat cast. With a K. Yeah, with a K. Clearly. He has to buy the C version and that'll redirect you to the K version. He's got that K like that ex-wife. That ex-stepmom. That ex-stepmom, you know?

Thanks to the babysitters that run the Facebook page. And then are you ready for a little joke here on the back end? I am. Give it to me, daddy. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? How does the moon cut his hair? He clips it. Yes, he does.

Of course he does. What else is he going to do? He wouldn't shave it. No, it wouldn't make any sense. Shave it? No, he clips it. Yeah, that's a funny one. Come on.

Fine. I got nothing. Boner stuff? You ready to roll? Yeah, boner stuff? Yeah. Come on. Fine. I got nothing. Bonus stuff? You ready to roll? Yeah, boner stuff? Yeah. All right, kids, we'll see you guys next week. Bye.

Silly geese. See you in a second. Bye.