Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Castaway. Gushers. Push Door. Shoe Phone.

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

Pro tip: when you're getting arrested and the cops ask you to call your family, don't take your shoe off and try to use it as a phone. It's not a good look. Let's talk about that, what really is the color of the middle light on a stoplight, a wild night with some wild girls, plastic wrapping a nativity scene to save time next Christmas, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/Ksftwq0hysMSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Castaway, gushers, push door, shoe phone. That's not, no. What? Is it getting to stay? I don't know. I resuspect that Zach is high. What? We think Zach's high.

What? Just because of the start of the show today. Like, I was screaming through the door, and he's like, yeah, got it. You don't got it. And he doesn't, he did not got it. I don't got it. He didn't got it. He didn't got it.

it. I forgot how to get it. Are you high? No. You promise? I promise. I'm stupid, I think. You swear on Jeebus? I wouldn't drive to Idaho high. Why not? There's a ton of reasons. Episode 205 of the Can You Don't podcast?

Keep on sending it in. It's getting heavy lately. It feels good. It's picking up. I'm sure it has to do with everyone's getting that vitamin D. Yeah, the sun's coming out. Yeah, they're getting some little inspirational. but keep sending in your content suggestions, your stories, your confessions, petty beeps, to hey guys at can you know podcast.com. And we are getting caught up on emails.

I know we fell behind. We got bombarded and it's just like. Yeah, life did life stuff. Yeah. So it's not that we're not seeing them or responding. No, we care. It just takes a bit. I just waiting to reach that one, or that, sorry, that 450 part of the honkathon

where Brian and Zach are going to eat the fermented heron. So stroaming So that's our next goal Head over to patreon.com So stroaming sounds what I'm going to do in the toilet While I'm eating it Yeah it sounds like we have to push your dick down We had different ideas of what

So stroaming was I thought it was like so stroking Like you were gonna like When you come into the toilet Kind of but you don't want to reverse it on it Like a good cowgirl Or whatever What do you guys do?

How do you guys come? What's that? Nothing. I want to see where those goes. We don't need a clown in the corner to come. Yeah, well, sometimes it helps. So that's our next goal at 450. But again, there's been, we've had a handful that signed up late, like mid-month, right?

So they're ready to go. Yeah. You guys are logging in and signing up. Hope you enjoy the bonus content. That's how you get the extra content at the end of every single episode by joining our Patreon. And let's just get right into the fucking show. this week, dude? Let's just cut it out. Just jump right in.

All right, cut it out. Zach! Shut up. Start the show already. What's authority? Yeah. I just got a little bit behind it. I came from, that was gutter. I got a lot going on. I'm ready to fucking... This was

September our son, Stephen. Okay? And it's a little wordy, but it's worth it. Would you rather be stranded on a desert island? Or does I guess one and the same. I picture if it's going to be a deserted island, it's also going to be kind of deserty.

Not necessarily. I know. Could be lush. It could just be like the rock coast. Like if you've ever gone to the northwest, you've gone to the Oregon coast? You think you're enjoying your time? No, those are crashing into boulders.

It's not fun out there. there's a reason why Oregon isn't the surf capital of the world is because if you fuck up your debt It's also really cold It's cold, yeah But I do love how

deserted and desert and dessert Are all very similar You could do all those things on one island So would you rather be stranded on a deserted island Like in Castaway But you get to choose five items In those FedEx boxes To help you survive

But don't worry Wilson will also be there to keep you coming. So you still get the volleyball. I'm sorry. If you've never seen the movie, you're not going to get this one. But you've probably seen the memes. Or would you rather be in the new P. Diddy documentary? And everyone knows about it.

But you get a kick-ass new nickname like Cream Machine Carl. Joey Slipping Slides. Moist Mike. Stanky Lake Steve, Rump Ranger Rand, Oh, et cetera. Well done. One is going to be tough. Chapes, Stephen.

Okay, so when I first read this, I was like, well, yeah, being known for going to a P.D.D.D.D.D.D.D. You're going to have, like, a lot of repair to do. But a lot of people went to P. Diddy parties. See? And that's another factor. And a lot of people wish they would have, even knowing what they know now. Yeah, I wish I would have. You didn't have to get greased up or do anything illegal at it. You could have just been at the party.

But is that fun? What's the way you're into, I guess. I mean, a party's a party. You're going to go. You already hate leaving. You could be going to any, yeah. You could go to any party, but a ditty party won't stop. You ain't a party like a ditty party.

Okay. That didn't age well. No. Okay. So that and then also you're trying to get back. and like survive. But with five different FedEx boxes and you get to pick them. Can they be any size or do they have to be this like the same side?

It's not in there. Just as FedEx boxes. I'm not sure if there's like a limitation on FedEx box size. So you can't open like a bowling lane or a refrigerator. Yeah. Or a boat. Do they ship boats in FedEx? Just boats, gasoline and a fucking.

GPS map. You got to ask that question, right? But if you were in the middle of no, like absolute nowhere. You're screwed in the middle of the ocean. It runs out of gas. I would just get a boat and then the other four were gas for my boat to get me the fuck out of there. Maybe a box of oranges.

You could kind of fit. That you would also paint faces on. Yeah. Then you got a ton of them. Yeah. It's just you jerking off in front of a volleyball and five oranges with a cool beard. I like to have an audience. You guys liked that?

I think the first, after you got past the scariness of being on dessert, I don't know if you'd ever get past the scariness of it, but how free you could just be, just walk around. Well, you still come back to capitalism. No, I mean, but like for that little bit of time on the island, just hanging dong, jerking off, poop and pee in where you want. Hang and dong, sleeping long. That's right, brother. That's my daddy's always saying, dude. Yeah! Like, just.

Crab Dix out Yeah I mean Not a care It would be better If you like Seafood

Yeah If you don't You're kind of Well you have to like it You're in your own Personal hell then At that point You're like

I'd love to have this eel Hanging dong And sleeping long Squishing eggs out of an eel Why are fucking eel eggs On all the sushi Can we talk about it

Why is that fine Why is what Eal eggs I don't even know If I've ever had eel eggs What? I love sushi, but I don't think I have. You never put them on top?

I don't think so, huh? The little red eggs, they pop in your mouth? Yeah, kind of like Boba. The OG Boba? The OG Boba? But with a fishy flavor, you're just eating unfertilized eggs

like a lunatic. Just with you, while you're laughing about how you struggle with chopsticks, eating babies? Eating your babies. Of some unknown sack some mom is like

these will be great and then an eel like a eel already creepy enough oh my god it ends up and it ends up in fucking cordillane Idaho

you're like yep just fucking blah blah blah I'm kind of fool I don't like it it's like how much we hate beef we hate cow so much

we take the hamburger that's their fucking meat we take their milk for their babies and then we have a milkshake on top of it we're like fuck you cow even your babies

your babies would have loved it I want a feel burger this Huckleberry shake it's gonna hit the spot I want to eat your hearts and then I'm gonna have diarrhea I think that's the worst part about all of that is that you'll be eating

I'm gonna order 30 buffalo wings and you have like six left and you're like thing I'm done I'm done if you had to make them if you had to make them like I'm not eating

I'm not making sushi I'm sucking down eel eggs like a lunatic on an island by myself being like this is good fuck that yeah

but again that's not what I wish for so FedEx boxes and if you could get a boat and some gas I don't think you do I think you get normal size boxes no one's shipping a boat in a you got to remember

the boxes were they were gifts or there were things that people ordered For themselves or a birthday or something. I saw pictures of other families. Yeah. Or whatever. It's got to be a reasonable thing.

So it could be like, it's a box, but it's a- Could it be a floaty? Or it could be a floaty that you were, you ordered off of Amazon. You ordered a floaty for a pool. Could it be a nice, like, engine that you could hook onto your raft? That fits in a box. Fuck. I'd be like, I think you're restructuring Stevens fucking, would you?

you rather? I think it's pretty reasonable what I'm saying. These aren't magic boxes. These are boxes. I agree. I agree. I agree with a little bit. He got a pair of ice skates that he used like an axe and a knife. He was smart enough to think of that, but they weren't necessarily for survival. So like goggles, spear gun collapsible. Yeah, maybe there's a spear gun in there or something that you could rig into a spear gun. It sounds like multiple boxes.

Because it, remember, you're not choosing. Flair gun. Flair gun would be nice. End up just with Nerf guns. Or a sick, like, firework display. Ooh. Then they'd be soggy. And a lighter.

But could you get, like, some sort of communication device? Some walkie-talkies? Oh, absolutely. That's it. That's the answer. Cell phone. If you got some sort of satellite communication device in a box, then, of course, that's the answer. You still got to, and I think that's reasonable because you still got to figure out

how am I going to make this work. So the other side is like getting a nickname from a PDDD documentary. I mean, he put me in there, Joey's slipping, slipping slides. And do you want to be there? So are you going to be known as the person that was doing the ramming or getting rammed? Well, I'm slipping slide. So I could do, I'm top or bottom. You could have just been holding the camera. Come on. Yeah, I could have just been downstairs. A documentarian. I was like, listen, Diddy, love the album. Not going upstairs. Who do you, what do you think would be the worst thing that you could have done there?

That was happening at the party. Like, if people thought you're there, probably like. At this edge or? Like, right now, my, my thing would probably be doing raping. Right? That is the last thing I thought you were going to say. Well, I mean, because they were, It was that thing?

Like they drug some people And then they would rape them Yeah, that was the thing Like P Diddy's girlfriend Yeah, they'd hype them up But also just get them drunk And then loop them up And make them fuck forever

Was there a bunch of raping? There was some raping, right? I get it confused With the Epstein stuff Because I don't I'm not paying attention that much But even Diddy's girlfriend Said, hey, rape

I think She got Like a tap on the shoulder to P. Ditty turns around what? This is rape. Come on, you always say that. No, this isn't. No, they signed the forms. It's not rape.

I can't imagine being there. I mean, fucking for a long time's fun. Whether you want to or not. Enough is enough already. Enough is enough. I don't know, Kay. You show up as who you are

as a person. I wouldn't do well at a party like that. No. You wouldn't make it past the baby oil. You'd be cleaning up the baby oil. Like, you'd be scooping it with a squeegee. Like, just to make sure they didn't have to spend too much. I mean, I don't want to clean up at a party either.

No, but that's just who you are. So you're, like, below the bed, you're watching it and, like, you're hearing the... But you're also squeaging the leftover baby oil back into a Tupperware. Reusable. Mm-hmm. Let none of this go to waste. And then Diddy's like, pour it on. You're like, now?

Yeah. You're like, dripping, shaking the Tupper container. Hit the back of it. Yeah, fuck it. Yeah, you fuck it. I don't know. Even a cool nickname out of that.

Like fucking Brian Tupperware? Brian slaps a tub? I mean, that's... What a lame... Brian Tupperainter? Oh, that sucks. That's not even a cool. I can't even get a cool nickname out of it.

That's cool. Hang and bang, Brian? No, bang and then hang. Like the refraction period. That's when you get like a little, do you know what refraction is? Well, isn't that what it's called? Isn't that when after dudes come, there's a period where they can't do it again. And it's called.

Oh, does that have to rebuild? Yeah, I think it's called refraction. Let me go ahead and take a figure. What's, dude, I am going to jail. What's it called after men come, period? God, I hope I have this right. Oh, refractory period. Was that close enough?

Yeah, I mean, you're in the ballpark. Yeah, refraction or refractory. Yeah. So refractory, it's because they have to re-fire up the factory. I'm refracting over you. Refructory. How long is that supposedly supposed to take? It depends from guy to guy.

And night to night. Like sometimes I need 15. And age to age, probably. Sometimes I need an hour. Yeah. Fuck nickname. If I get to pick all these FedEx boxes, dude, there's no way I'm getting trapped on a deserted island. There's no way.

There's too many devices. If you do or you don't. I would rather be trapped on the deserted island. Right. And then be in the fucking P. Diddy documentary. Good for you. I just have too many, I just have too many options. Too many devices and I'll get some fucking e-legs and that'll be great.

Whatever. Well, four of the items could be to help you get off the island and the fifth one is some eel eggs. And some flowers? Yeah. Before when you get back? For yourself. Yeah. Treat yourself.

Treat yourself. Just wanted to feel pretty. Three survival items. A GPS weekend and then four bouquets of flowers. Mm. Mm. That was still fun What we got there

I definitely don't want to be cream machine Carl I mean but But again he could have been downstairs like serving Like soft serve, dairy queen He was just running the ice cream machine I don't think that's how he got that name He was the Frappuccino guy You don't know that

What was moist Mike doing? Cleaning up He was a baker He was a baker Let's make a blueberry muffins. Rump Ranger Randall. Okay, he was doing booty stuff. He was fixing the carpet.

Like, he was just upset that all the furniture is moved. He was like, hey, we got to put these, we got to get these. Every time you thrust and move the bed, the carpet moves with it. Stanky Lake Steve was just a good dancer. Yeah. So he's downstairs. He's just up there. Yeah, he's just and enjoying him.

I think I'd be stanky Lake Steve, just the guy that was dancing at the party. Mm-hmm. trying to forget but like listen Uber back is 80 bucks I'm not sure how I got here but But I'm gonna put on a show For everyone who doesn't like baby oil

Because there wasn't every I'm sure everybody wasn't partaking in the baby oil No that was more of like the after after party I think Right Okay Your after party Brian Yeah I don't want

I'm not the after after after I wouldn't make it to the after after party I would see what's going on in the after party And I would be like I don't want to stick around for the after after. How do you know you wouldn't be hard? That is good a feeling.

Oh, no, I'm not saying I wouldn't be hard. I'm just saying I probably wouldn't stick around. So my dad used to always say. Hiding in the corner with a drink with a huge, huge hard on me. Like, I got to go. That would be me, for sure. Just fucking wearing those shorts. It's a rock hard dick.

Just tucked into my waistband. My Uber's almost here. Tricking a lemonade. All right. People are doing blow. Yeah, I'd be off in the corner. Yeah, you sure would. Feeling like I wish that was cool.

All right, moving off to what are you thinking about? We're all picking the deserted island with the FedExboxes, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. That's still pretty rough. It would suck, but not as much as being in the beat ditty documentary. That's true. And that's hard to come.

terms with. Okay, moving off. What are you thinking about? Zha! Fuck! Hey, hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Okay, so this conversation came up, and I did already have it in my notes. I'm not sure if our listeners are aware, but just as I go through everyday life, I have a gigantic I'm sure it's slowing my phone down like it's just a list of thoughts because I spent a lot of time

living in what some people have coined as like flights of fancy which is where you see something happen and then you're like well if this happened how funny would that have been right so you do a little twist and then I come up with like different ideas

for things to talk about on the show and then this particular particular example, I was in my notes, but I didn't have to come up with shit. It was all there for you. It was right there. And before this, Zach, you were talking about some new law that the state of Washington was going to pass. Yeah. And what was it?

They are not going to allow you to just amble about in your car with no direction. It is illegal for you to get in your car and just drive and think about shit. You have to have a destination. Or it's a thousand bucks. Hmm. So freedom, the car is under question. That's a lot of money. Just like think about it.

Yeah. Thousand bucks. The whole time, like, hey, listen, like, what are you doing out here? You're like, well, my final destination was thinking about how expensive this is going to be. I'm driving. If I get caught. I'm driving because the economy and my finances. And now I owe you a thousand.

Okay. Got it. So I just did this last weekend. So if this law was passed, I, 100% they could have stopped me and been like, you owe us $1,000. So went out of town and just had to get the fuck out. Like life has been a lot and working so much. And I was like, I just, like I have a few hours.

I had like first half of the day. And I was like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. So I started driving south. And the whole point was to go back down. usually this time of year, maybe a little early, the, what a lot of people might not know, like the Palouse, okay, that's like the landscape that we are surrounded with to the south of us. It's very unique. It is just what would look like gigantic mounds of dirt, right? It's just nothing but rolling hills. And I hadn't been down towards that way, going down towards

Moscow where I went to school and learned a lot about the Paloose. And I was like, got to get back down there and see it. And drove down. And what I had never done is there's a lot of tiny towns on the way down to

Moscow, Idaho from beautiful Cordillane Idaho. Super Wake. Which we are working on a super wake T-shirt, by the way. We'll get there. Brian was looking at me. He was just waiting for it.

And there's a lot of tiny towns. And if you're from anywhere where there's a lot of tiny towns, and we're talking tiny, like 30 to 60 people, you don't stop. You just go. And I can't stop. Decided to explore them. Okay. So on the way down, I went through them as any normal person would do. And you see. the, your run of the mill, you know, love your outfit, gas stations, and setups

that are right off the freeway, right? Like, they want your money, so those parts are going to look, okay.

They're all dressed up. No, but dressed up for them. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. Like,

this is, they put clothes on, which is cool. And on the way back, decided I haven't gone off of the freeway or the highway, I should say, it's not a free way, to explore these towns and decided to do exactly that.

And there's these small towns, and I feel bad calling them out by name, so maybe I won't. But they are very tiny towns. And I guess, long story short, you want to give us one? I'm going to give you, no, I'll give you the bigger ones. I'll give you plumber. Okay. Yeah. Okay.

I'll give you a plumber. I'll give you Worley. I'm not going to talk about the other ones. I don't want to make a feel bad. But, uh... Took the RV through Plummer last year. I fucking bet you did. Boy, howdy.

Hoo-wee! And one, one street. One block off of the main drag. Hoo! Shit got real wild. And I just wanted to run through it. Okay? And I don't remember

exactly which towns had these different iconic features, these highlights. Iconic. But they were so good. So let's just start down here. Down south of us, there's a lot of Indian reservations. So when you live in a big city and where you're from, there's a good chance you can't even light off fireworks. Where we're from, you can light off fireworks, but there's really, restrictions to what you can do.

You can have like fountains. You can have everything that sucks. The little old worms that go. Yeah, you can you can burn your sidewalk for the next 15 years. You can do that with whatever the fucking rubber those snakes are made out of. But if you go down to the Indian reservation, you can get the fun shit. And I've talked about my love for fireworks. I know exactly where I'm going.

Okay. And I never noticed this before, but down in one of these small towns, They don't take down the fireworks stands. They're up year-round, but they're only open for three weeks a year. You get like June, they picked their favorite date right on to a couple days after Fourth of July. And this one had a fireworks sign massive, bold. And fireworks was two different words, which is more like a statement. It does work.

It does. Fire works It doesn't work Dude it fucking works Every time 100% of the time If you want it Fire

It's there It'll work for you And never noticed it before I think I have Botten fireworks or mortars or whatever From this particular stamp I never noticed there was two different words And then I believe right across the street

When you're really cruising around they have a nativity scene set up for Christmas that's wrapped in plastic because no one wants to take it down. They don't want to go through it. We're saving some guy 35 minutes next year. It's just wrapped in painters tarp. So no one touches Jesus. There's some squirrels living in there. They don't count.

And there's like different little statues wrapped in plastic. bitch, you're saving yourself 15 minutes. Put in the shed. Put in the shed. They probably feel guilty putting Jesus away. No. Anyone who lives there shouldn't believe in God. There's no God.

No, God works in mysterious ways. And if the mysterious way was you living here, don't believe in God. Okay. So that's great. Love all that. Um, one of the gas stations that we went, like I went into,

was, uh, you'd walk around and the floor was so rotted. It was terrifying. You feel like you're going to fall through? All of it. Every step, the laminate was peeled up gone.

And every aisle, every aisle had things that were tipped over. Like it, like no one was, no one was walking around putting up the chef board. Which is like every, Like every macaroni cheese, every box was laying down on the shelf. And you're walking around, like, am I going to die?

Did it? That sounds like a post-apocalyptic type thing where you're looking for food. You go into an old grocery store. And that's what you. And on the way end, I saw this guy and he was like kind of looking around his car. And he had a bunch of musical instruments in there. But he was wearing an AFI shirt. I said, hey, where are you guys playing?

And he goes, hey, he goes, we're heading up to Spoke Camera playing tonight. I was like, I used to notice your AFI shirt. And I had friends that had texted me because they just saw AFI in Boise, I think the week before. And he goes, yeah, that's where I got this. I was like, yeah, I had some friends down there, blah, blah, blah. And explained all that. And then we both walked in this store and we're scared.

like all the employees were fucking off like looked like maybe doing Nitro's hits I don't know for sure and we're both walking on the floor like this is we're going to die and as I got out and I sat down on my car it was funny because the biggest sign on the side of the building it just said snacks

snacks not groceries just snacks and they also ran a U-Haul service out of there. So it's an all-in-one type. It's like one of those, those shampoo bottles. You're getting a five-and-one at snacks and you-haul rental.

Those are the best. Yep. Fireworks, snacks, rental, and we'll shrink wrap your fucking Jesus. I bet you can get some fishing, mate. And then I also stopped at a library in one of the stores, and that took some convincing to walk into, because it was in a double wide. I did know if I was going to be welcomed. And I walked in and it looked like every set of encyclopedia you would get at a garage sale.

Dusty. Brand new. No. Like so shiny. But you could tell no one has ever touched it. And why would they? Because they could learn about the world. Right.

And no one wants to do that. No one wants to do that. Cleanest spot in every town was the church. my favorite of all of the stops. And this reminds me that there's been a podcast that I've been kicking around in my head for a really long time. And it's called What the Fuck's Going On Out Here? And I think it's more of a YouTube series where you just go to these places and you walk up to these houses that are, you guys have no idea. if you live in the city right now

you have no idea how wild this shit gets what is actually out there and you just go and you that's that's the start like what the fuck's out here what the fuck's going on out here and you just talk to these families

what first I mean gut reaction is what happened but they wouldn't view it that way so I'll reword that question because they'll think if they're in heaven but you look at the 500 cars

and the somehow second story they added to a trailer. And I just want to know what the fuck's going on out here. Science. I just want to know. And it falls in that same category. And my favorite was, after the library, was there was this house. Again, there was just a trailer.

And on the front door, spray painted in black with dripping spray paint. It just said push. They just How many people pulled That whoever was in there was like that's enough Yeah That they couldn't go and buy a sign That said just

Angrily spraying And just And it's there forever And it's there forever And it just looks like it The horror movie push you want drugs

push that's all it read to me just push but how many people are like fucking calling them back dude you said it was unlocked I can't get in just read the sign

read the paint have you tried pushing oh shit okay coming in that he just woke up one day and spray and push watch the drug deal, which was fun, which is very obvious.

If you've ever done drug deals, you haven't, which is sad for you. But guy walking outside, like walking up and down the street looking around, I was like, oh, it's a drug deal. Flipped around, brand new Camaro, pulled up. He leaned in, like he had something cool to say. Come on. There's one cop for three towns, so that's probably a good place for the drug deal. Oh, there's no cops.

That's why they're there. That's why there's so many drugs. Yeah, the county cops have to take. care of these tiny towns. They don't care. They're also, the county cop had push on his fucking front door. He was like, listen, just come in and wake me up. Let me know if there's a problem. So that was it. I explored, I explored those towns and that was a lot of fun. You're going to do it again? No. I've seen every street and it was fine. And there's like some, like there was one town that you could tell there was, uh, at one point, someone motivated enough.

to get, like, copy and paste playgrounds, which was cool. But they were all the exact same. So they had them in different parts of the town, but they all had the exact same setup. They're the same blueprint. Yeah, but some weren't, like, they did a bad job researching and some were overgrown, but others were pristine. Yeah, but you know how that happened. If you have an understanding of city government, they're like, listen, we have nowhere for our

fucking kids to go. They can't go down to fireworks. Because fire does work Fire works But Yeah but kids can't play with fire So we need We need playgrounds

And they're like cool We just put like five up Wherever How much money do we need I don't know It's fucking figure it out Try to go to a museum We'll have a town hall meeting

Every museum was closed That was another thing Was it a Sunday No it was not It was Saturday Big day for museums And they were shut down So that is that is the day

That's the big day And they were all closed They said come back later. Okay. Nobody cares. Come back later. No one cares.

Is it canoe in here? There's always some weird museum too. Mm-hmm. Like outside of Ritzville, in between Mosulik and here. Yeah. It's just, there's like a dinosaur museum. That is cool. I've never been there, but...

We should go. It's like, what the fuck's going on here? What the hell's going on out of here? You can say fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Why do you keep saying hell? I don't know.

What the fuck's going on here? There you go. Anyway, that was my small town. journey. You guys like it? I did because those, I mean, I love those kind of things. We, growing up in an area where there are little towns everywhere, you just, when we would, you go up Highway 2

and head out, I have family and friends that live all along there in the same time. Driving tractor. They all ended up in Moses Lake because we were the big city. Yeah. Fuck that you were. The Poulouse is so pretty. It's one of my favorite drives of all time is just it's unreal. A couple albums. Yeah. And just driving through that green or when it's yellow it doesn't matter it's just beautiful i know it's really it's hard to explain

you guys can look it up how do you spell pellus p a l-o-u-u-l-l-s-e yeah p-o-l-l-sie we have a story that we focus there because it's just such a fun kind of enigmatic place yeah because you're looking at these weird churches that must have some stories yeah for a context if you leave south of corleine or spokane you can drive to polman which is where w-su-su-cougars colleges and then the pelouse is in between and Joe's school of Idaho is out there too. So it's like the area kind of in between there once you get down past a certain. Yep.

It's just nothing but rolling golden wheat fields. It is during the, during peak farm season though. It's like when the alfalf was growing and stuff. Never seen it. I've never seen nothing like it. All right, let's move off for some dick. Zach fucking beer! Is it dumb?

Is it interesting? Van it's dick. So we've all been You know, fucked up Especially after episode 200 Hmm Is that, am I projecting? No

I mean we've discussed how How out of it you were No, I think we're fine Projecting is that we've all been fucked up Oh yeah I don't know Not this fucked up And once you see his face

You'll be like, I am So man uses his last phone call Oh there it is, yeah To call family on his shoe before public intoxication arrest? Yeah, I've never been that far. Hold on, let's take a peek.

Go ahead, Zach, for the YouTube YouTube. Yep. What's he looking at? Shoes. Fuck. He's like, where did I put that shoe? What I put that shoe? Dude, I have a phone call to make.

That's a lot. That is an individual that does know the difference. I think I saw that guy in Nelson, B.C. last weekend. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. You were back up. We didn't even talk about that.

There's up there in Canada. You know exactly where you went. It's that time of year. How was Ainsworth this time? It was good. Was it? Yeah. A man was arrested for public intoxication after trying to call his family using his shoe.

I wouldn't give him one last chance by police. What is this website, too? One Last Chance.com. Like, they just, they don't understand margins. Anyway. It's just, what's that? Potos.com? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what it looks like. You in Zappos? What I say? Zapos is shoes in Spanish. Hey. Smarter than I look.

See. See. According to the Carroll Springs Police Department, Charles Robert Strom, 41 of St. Augustine, was taken into custody back on April 17th

after officers responded to multiple calls about an intoxicated man behaving erratically near the no-one-cares block. Police said the incident began when multiple colors reported a man ripping off his clothes. Where in my phone?

In the middle of a parking lot and banging on plywood. That is exactly... That's the lead-up to shoe phone. When officers arrived, they found Storm showing signs of being extremely intoxicated. Despite being warned, record showed that Storm continued to cause disturbances.

One caller told police she saw him stumbling through an alley and running in front of moving vehicles, forcing at least one driver to swerve off the road to avoid hitting him. Officers later detained Storm as he approached parked vehicles in the area. You want to hit me?

Fucking do it! Do it! I have a fucking shoe phone! While speaking with police, Storm was asked to contact a family member. Instead, investigators said he removed his shoe and began talking into it. If it was a cell phone. No one's picking up. Hey, little seasons.

Got a hot and ready? Got a hot and ready. Got a hot and sweaty? Hot and sweaty. Oh, wait. No, I'm hot and sweaty. I'm hot and sweaty. You guys have pepper bony?

Pepper bony. You just got pepperoni mitsa. Police determine his actions pose a danger to other. citing his repeated attempts to run into traffic and destructive behavior in a public place. Storm was transported to the Broward, health coral springs for medical clearance before being booked.

Listen, we're going to have to check you out. Do you know what you did? What? Was it the traffic thing? It was the cell phone. What was the part that gave away? Was it because I was kicking up? on doors and I

and I was running into traffic no no one cared about that it was the part where you took your shoe off and tried to call your family that's why you're in here oh fucking free country oh okay you've never tried to call

you've never tried to call your phone family on a converse conversation nice oh yeah I did say the authorities said Strom refused medical attention and did not meet the criteria for involuntary commitment. Well, yeah, he didn't call the hospital. He called his family.

They are his soul. Nice. Yeah. His heart and soul. Yeah. Yeah. Hope his family can lace his life back together. I was going to say, I wonder if it was laced with something.

But, you know. He was fine until he got in his phone. His phone was laced with acid? Oh my God What would you do As a police officer When you're just like Sir, sir

Please Like we don't want you to get Like we just don't want this to turn into something Please Call your family You have someone you can call And he's just like Mom

Sir you didn't even dial Mom She's never home This isn't This isn't work FaceTime What's that? FaceTime Yeah

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah FaceTime's even worth Staring at it Flip your camera Mom! Oh my God How did your mouth get so big?

You get This is Florida right What? Coral Springs I think St. Augustine is Florida It sounds like a Florida I mean it's a Florida man thing right yeah it's very it's very florida man thing yeah like they didn't even say they

florida florida's getting witty with it they're like just keep it out just keep to stay they'll they'll they'll figure it out if they if they care they'll figure it out he looks like he's living large in florida he's got a bit of a tan yeah hair the look he looks like a surfer dude yeah okay well i wanted to see a zoom out shot though just him with his phones taken away Mm-hmm. I'm looking this up. You plug in my phone. Coral Springs is Florida.

Ice deduction, gentlemen. Wow. What gave it away from me was the St. Augustine. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. But I figured that could have been like, you know, there's a handful of this and that on each side of the country. Yeah.

You know, not this one. Yeah. He's on the coast, too. You start deducing and you're like, could be Florida or it could be you know like benefit of the doubt you're like please be Indiana yeah exactly please be a fucking shoe phone story from Indiana

please be Gary please be anywhere but Florida yeah that's what Florida was thinking so never been that fucked up I want to take the next one sure okay do it shirtless man forced teen to eat gushers candy in a restaurant bathroom

police report says Fuck. This is some church shit. This has priest written all over it. Do you want to go, do you want the brief or do you want dig deeper? I want dig deeper. Okay. Ronald Johns 34 was inside a 99 restaurant. Looks like that's probably a restaurant there.

And Charleston. Open one more. No. We got to stay below triple digits. This is it. It's our name. on March 21st when he encountered a 13 year old boy This sounds terrible already

I can't wait John's was allegedly not wearing a shirt When the boy entered the restroom and was seen holding an unopened box of gushers candy That's the worst pickup line Like can you imagine Like hanging out in Whatever bar I don't pick your favorite bar

And someone walks in, you have your shirt off of the box of gushers? Just staring at the door. Hey. Hey. What? Hello. Hello. Hello.

Are you interested? Well, it's already weird enough if someone's in the bathroom, especially like when we went down there to Vegas, we went to this bar. And there was one of those bathroom attendants. And I walk in there and I'm going there to go pee and it was a small bathroom. And I can just feel it. him looking at me. Would you like some gun? And then I watch, I wash, you know, pee and go over to wash my hands, I can feel

him looking at him, like, washing my hands like in the core my eye. And then I turn, I'm like, I turn and just goes, it hands me a paper towel. I'm like, dry my hands. I'm like, thanks. And then I walked out. I didn't tip him. I just, it's weird. But if he handed you a little packet of gushers, that's a buck.

That feels pretty good. I don't want food from a bathroom. I mean, I don't want to touch money after you just cleaned your hands too. Dude, having to be in a bathroom while guys come in and out and just shitting the entire time you're just in there, I don't want that guy handing me anything.

Am I crazy? Yeah, except gushers. When's the last time he had some gushers? Well, now that I'm, so, and he was dressed nice. So if I walk into a bathroom and there's a guy, standing in their shirtless with a box of gushers. I'm probably turning around and leaving. I'm probably going to ask some questions.

How'd you get here? What does what goes on in here? What's going on around here? Did you bring those gusters from home? Can I have that whole box? wholesale situation? Yeah. Well, let's find out.

Yep. After refusing the gusher's several times, the boy reluctantly ate one before he exited the restaurant. I am No You finally give in All set I just ate a chicken sandwich

And it was an unopened box So he's like fine So the guy's like Okay I peel it opens He's having to open it Let me feed him to you God kinks are so weird

Dude Why does your shirt have to be off Like pick a lane You know what I mean Like either you want little boys To eat gushers Or take your shirt off You do

Both. And now it's a problem. I think it gets worse. Okay. I mean, you should have seen this one coming, I guess. Johns allegedly followed the boy who was at a restaurant with some of his friends to a nearby playground. Nice. There, John's repeatedly attempted to interact with the group of children, despite their continued request for him to leave them alone.

Come on. Come on. Just one. His nipples are so hard. Just like, come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Came all the way here. Come on. I'll leave right after this. Come on. The parents of one of the children who was with the 13-year-old boy notified police about the alleged unusual interaction later that day. Oh, okay. Later that day. I was going to say the parent that let the shirtless gusher guy follow.

being like, let's just see what happens. I don't want to have the conclusion here. This is a boring town. Let's just see what happens. Let's just see what happens. I'll complain later. But this is fun. The shortless gusher sounds like a true crime podcast title. It sounds like an urban dictionary

term. Yeah, it does. It's a shirtless gusher. It's got to have to do with nipple milk. Yeah, it's something hot. Oh, my God. The shirtless gusher. Fuck. Police then located Johns, who became instantly verbally aggressive. Who me?

Fuck you Throwing gushers at police Can I call my family? He was claiming that the children were bothering him No, they did it They're asking me for gushers I was like, no way, dude, he's my gushers

You're lucky I have an open box of gushers In the bathroom As I follow you to the playground Oh, it's creepy What they're saying? I didn't touch nobody or nothing I don't have no drugs or no weapons.

I didn't do anything bad, bro, I swear. He said. Fucking court of the century. Johns was arraigned on charges of kidnapping of a child and a costing or annoying fuck. You're charged with annoying

someone. You just suck, dude. Personality's weak. He's set to appear in court via Zoom. On today. Hey, yesterday. I hope he's eating Gushers.

He appeared in court on Zoom, hopefully, yesterday. If he would have brought it, like, a snack that they liked, I wonder if the charges would be this intense. Do you think? Like fruit roll-ups? Yeah. Yeah, Gushers just aren't popular enough. Yeah, just not the right shape.

If he would have brought Skittles, everybody would have got down. Fruit by the foot, something like that. Yeah. He's extensive criminal history spanning across several states, including Georgia, New York, Virginia, and North Carolina. His charges Incidents include Sexual abuse

Forcible touching Burgly assault and battery Criminal obstruction of breathing Or blood circulation That's a charge I'd be choking Yeah I was gonna say Attempted murder

Just say choking Yeah Criminal trespassing Public indecency And criminal possession of weapon With intent to use And we just No wonder he said I'll have no

weapon or nothing, bro. Because last time he tried to feed kids gushers, he had a gun. He's like, well, this sucks. I'm telling you, I hate to be that guy. But with this rap sheet and then someone, kids are going to end up dead. Someone's kidnapped and dead. And they're going to be like, well, he had a long, like, we could have done something. We know.

We could have done anything. Anyway. The dude's shirtless in a bathroom enticing children to come to a playground. And we're just going to let him go again. I know. I hear you. I think we've covered a couple of those where just because it's not a crazy offense. But I think we should see if the fire works on that guy.

I mean he was guilty of criminal obstruction of breathing. He's a blood circulation. And some decent exposure. And now he's like, what can I not get in trouble with legally? Gushers. I'm not touching anybody. I'm not touching anybody. I don't have a gun.

Am I choking anybody? I just want to see some kids eat gushers. I'm just not wearing a shirt. That's the real crime. It is. It is. No shirt, no service. Yeah.

Unless you can sneak your way into the fucking bathroom. All right. Speaking of pushing his way in. For the golden geese. EM3. The sofa king. Jason Clayson. Todd Zootenholz.

Jordan Holliday. Daniel Spach. Stephen. Rara. Matthew. Leonard. Daniel Akhan. Maggie Stoak.

And Neil. Tiffany. Definitely. Thank you guys so much. I know we have 11 of them right now. It just seems like a conspiracy. But thank you guys so much. Those are the $100 dollars a month.

Again, mention in every single episode. If a spot opens up, please jump in. And thanks to everybody who supports us at every other tier there at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. And we got to make, EM3 a video.

Oh shit. Yeah. Yeah, we do. We got to do that. We'll do it. We'll do it right after this. Don't let me forget. Okay.

Before I pass up from being awake since 2 o'clock in the morning. Petty Beef! Zah! Silence in the court! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real.

The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Whoa, Zach. What? I was singing the bass line. Oh, boom, dude. Can't help it. Coming in from our daughter, Carrie, who writes, Hey, Daddy's.

Daddy's. Uncle Zach! Enter its screaming goat here. Perfect. Please resolve the ongoing argument between my husband and myself. We all know the three colors of a stoplight. Red, yellow, and green, right? My husband constantly insists the yellow light is orange.

FYI, this motherfucker is colorblind as fuck! I'm pretty sure he sees him black and white. I mean, they teach you in driving school the three colors. I bring this up, and he still insists the yellow is orange. help! Or help. Help. Hugs and tugs.

Your red-headed stepdaughter, Carrie. Well, this is funny. Yay. So, when I first read this, my thought was red, yellow, green is classic. We all know that. But then I remember thinking, like, sometimes it looks kind of orange.

And then I actually Googled stoplights. And, like, all the pictures that were popping up, the light looks pretty only. orange. Really? Well, bring it up. So I... You are colorblind. I am colorblind as fuck. Like, I am comically colorblind. I have red, green, and blue, yellow, which is great for me. Uh, especially when I work in graphic design. It's crazy how good you are at it. I have to use hex. I have to use

the hex codes. Well, it does a better job than I do. I just guess. I'm like, I can look at it. I'm like, you're making, it worse for me just so you know. Oh, great. You're guessing in my very hard trying. My, my colorblind disability is becoming your disability. I think so. I'm mad about it too. Yeah, I have to look up hex codes in order. I'm like, well, they want yellow and I can't just go pick yellow. All right. I have to go find it. Yeah. There you go. Okay. So it's a mixed bag, bro. It's, I mean, so the ones that are like victory and coloring and cartoony. Like a road sign. Yeah. They're supposed. supposed to be, they're all yellow.

But if you look at pictures of stoplights that are actually in the wild, all of these pictures, it looks pretty orange to me. Think so, huh? Can they both be right? That depends on, I mean, yellow and orange, obviously, when a stoplight gets older, I would assume that it's going to dim a little bit. When red dims, it doesn't turn into a different color. when green dims it does turn a little blue

you kind of have a teal yeah like this looks more teal than green and then when when yellow dims it turns orange but so the older they get they're gonna have a little little black like something dims them a little bit on the front I would say it's more of a yellow orange it's not pure yellow

orange yeah but when they start out oh man carry this is not the result you were hoping for when you came in here. Like I just, if you were, I could see, depending on the side you're on, let's say you didn't know, let's say

you didn't take traffic class and all that and you showed someone this light and you said, what colors are those? And you, and I wonder where people would lean. If they didn't know red, red, yellow, green, I'm sure if you'd get, you'd get some

oranges. Yeah. I mean, that first one definitely looks orange to me, but I missing the cones in between the two. But it definitely doesn't look like just bright neon yellow. But she's not wrong. Like, you are taught, and I'm sure they are made to display as yellow. And then as they're worn out, they just turn into orange.

Somebody's not getting the memo. That's orange as fuck right there. Yeah, that is orange as fuck. Yeah. But it also has the black crosshacks, like the, which will dim it. But orange sucks. And orange doesn't make sense. Yellow is caution.

So is orange, though, sort of? Show me. Caution? Show me, wait, like an orange construction worker vest? Like, even this vector, say, from vectorstock.com. Look how orange that is. That's orange. I'm colorblind, and that's fucking orange.

Shit. Carrie, this is not going the way you wanted. Like, we, but would you guys, be driving around and say it's a yellow light or an orange light. Yellow light. And I think we verbalize that and we say a yellow light. And this one looks here. Taught it.

Yeah. That's why I was saying if you weren't taught that and you had some people look at these signs like that one there. I'm saying that's orange. Yeah. I don't think you're wrong. I think they're both right somehow. That's nice of you, Zach.

But that's not what Petty Beef is all about. I'm agreeable. Imagine if juries did that. They're just like, it's fine. What is the verdict then? It's almost a murder. I think the verdict is it's intended to be yellow.

Like, we all agree that it's red, yellow, green. But the results don't always. So, like, that's orange. That picture right there, that's fucking orange. Yeah. But if you look at this last one, Where to go? That's yellow.

Because it's plastic and made for a room and it hasn't been weathered. Yeah. So the color itself is not what we are taught. I think they're supposed to be yellow, but they're not. It's the middle one. That's super orange there. Okay. But yeah, run, so we all taught yellow.

You know, like, and we all know, like, oh, it's a yellow light. You can either slow down or, you know, fly through it. It's the yellow light. Yeah. All right. So, Carrie, the color itself can be orange. Does not mean just because you're told it's yellow. Now the color changes.

Is that a good answer? I think you don't need to be so hard on him for saying it's an orange light. Now, if he just says, why'd you run that orange light? And if he's, if he's dead set on calling it an orange light as opposed to calling it a yellow light like we've all accepted, Then you might have some beef. But if he thinks the light is orange, because it is orange, then I'm kind of, you know. Waiting towards that. Yeah, sometimes it could be.

All right. Fair enough. Let's head off to some good news now. Let's do it right. Come on. Zat! Oh, yeah, bro. Zet!

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! So this story's pretty funny. I'm sorry, what? What? The hell did you yell to me about? Nothing.

So this story's pretty funny because. Because I, working in the radio world again, came across this story as for, you know, producing for a morning show. And I was like, oh, well, this is perfect. And so I'm bringing it in to Can You Don't. It's not very often. I mean, we do get some stories up here in the Northwest, but this one in particular. So this old fella, 72-year-old Gary Verbruch, he's a landowner in the state. Scotia Valley, and it's up there at Newport, Washington, has spent decades.

You want to talk about one of those towns that got some weird stuff going on. I'm sure they got some sick antique shops. Up in that area. Has spent decades protecting and restoring nearly 1,000 acres of wildlife habitat. Oh! Known for peacefully coexisting with moose, wolves, elk, cougars, and other wildlife on his land. Verbridge partnered with the Inland Northwest Land Conservatory. back in 2007 to place most of his property under a conservative easement that permanently

bans development and protects the ecosystem. So he looked at it and he was like, I don't see, I can see people putting in some fucking townhouses here. Condos. Yeah. He's like, how about fucking no? And if you look at the, like the main story about this, he talked about like moose and he was like, they're terrifying if you are, if they're.

and not in their own space. Once they're in their own space and you're respectful, they're not that bad. It just sounds like a guy who hasn't been attacked by a moose, but there's neither here nor there. Wanting to ensure the land remains preserved after his death and having no hairs, Verbage

chose to donate the property to the Cowspill tribe of Indian. So far, he has already transferred 145 acres with the remainder to follow later. After retiring back in 2006, Verbage returned home and was devastated to find much of the forest clear cut under poor management.

Determined to restore the land, he spent nearly 20 years planting native species, improving habitat conditions, reducing wildfire risks, and supporting sustainable forest health practices. This guy, like, just this shit you could do when you're done. Like, this is actually what I care about. What else are you going to do? Just make it happen. The property, which includes streams and part of the Little Spokane River, provides habitat for diverse wildlife, including blue trout, moose, wolves, bobcats, bald eagles, and cougars,

conservative leaders and cowspell tribe representatives praise the land's ecological value, and Verbridge's decision to return it to its tribal stewardship, calling it an act of deep trust and responsibility. Man, because so many people, when you're, like, on the way out, you're just like, just sell it. You're like, just turning into some goddamn houses. And he's like, nope, not doing it. And that's why it is our good news of the day. It's like that lady that owns that house by the hospital here.

She, everyone, they built a hospital around it, parking lots everything. A massive hospital. Yeah. Like it is a, it's not international, but it's the biggest thing between here in Seattle. And it's so funny. It's a children's hospital, a giant mecca training hospital. in a fucking house, in a parking lot. She's like, fuck you.

Fuck you, but if she has, like, an emergency, she's right there. Yeah, I think she may have died. That's good. I think they're going to sell it. Thanks for hanging on to it for all these years, Grandma. But this shit's worth $6 million? Yeah.

That house is so funny. I've always wondered about that thing. All right, let's move off. You found something on the internet? Did I? Ah, Zep for! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits,

you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That was equal to your alarm going off.

I didn't realize it was going to... The hell was that? Brian's computer. The video was going to play, and I was testing it to see if it was going to work. I don't remember what this is Oh well good luck Let's see

Set it up Okay I don't remember what it is Go ahead more details please This was sent it by Jimily Okay that's all I remember Great Okay Can't wait

Just turn that music off It's a video All right Ready? Yeah Asserted inside your body Works for all GED Oh that's right

I remember now This is an object to stick inside your body for, so you can listen to music with your body. Oh. Gender is all holes. We have interchangeable attachments with different shapes, different sizes.

So there's a vaginal attachment and anal attachment. We're not going to make it, are we? You can feel it. Do you can feel it. What is that? Who? What? So it's like a dildo.

No, I get it. But who's just standing there at a kiosk? Shoving it up their ass. I can feel it. I love the song. And he's talking. like it's so loud. Yeah.

Like he's got... I can feel that! Like he's got headphones on. Oh my God, this is so cool! I love this song! I can hear you, it's in your butt. Oh yeah. Okay.

Sorry. It felt like it was my ears. You hear you, it's in your butt. I mean, why? They make vests. You guys have seen those, right? It's always got to be pushed to the limit. Sometimes it's got to be inside you.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I can feel the music deep in my soul much better if it's actually it's if it's up through a hole into my real soul my soul hole my soul hole yeah it's my dad used to call it louis so ho played for the mariners back in the 90s so how do we buy that I don't know how god damn it so what do we do with what do we do with this information it's this out there uh let's see what's this is this is the world's first internal music player brings music inside your body turns your body into a concert hall it's like having a third ear you insert is it having a third ear is it the groove thing dude i'm gonna call a butthole your

third year yeah it's called groove thing internal music player internal and it's uh it was on kickstarter god fully funded yeah i bet yeah it ray it played 5333 000 dollars off 1600 donations somebody wanted that so bad. I mean, they already have like dildos and vibrators that connect up and vibrate to the music that you're listening to. And somebody's like, I bet you if you just put it inside you.

I don't know. I don't know. Oh, wait. It just doesn't seem like it were, like, that wouldn't change a coming experience for me. Like fucking a subwoofer is what it says.

I could do that without putting the subwoofer inside me. to make this thing at me. And so, Groove Thing was born. Sensation junkie. It's so different. She looks like someone that would use this. Anything you've ever experienced.

It is a great... Anyway, if you want to look it up, it's called the Groove Thing. All right. World's first internal music player. The future is bright. Let's see, you can actually order it. You should order one. There it is.

$60 or $230 off. At $4.75, you shove that in your hands. ass. Dude, it's 300 and for a singles kit, it's 340 bucks. But we can,

we can buy it if MSRP's fauxhund it. That'd be the worst show. Like if all of our intros played through our assholes. Well, we can get a, we can get a couples kit

for six hundo. What? Okay. We could each do one. They shouldn't be that expensive. I mean, you can buy, you can buy a Bluetooth

connected vibrator I bet for 30 bucks. Yeah. So we just do that. We'll skip it. A vacuum lock adapter. You and Zach can east just roaming. And you'll do that off the side. And I'll DJ.

We just put on scurilics. Watch you guys come while throwing up. Just shove your phone up your ass for free. What? Sorry. Too big. That's a lot of ass. You want it.

Okay. Well, let's hear from the kids. Zach, player! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? you want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

I mean, I'll take the first, but you have to split the second with me. That's fucking insane. Talking about the group thing? No. Talking about our emails here. Okay. So I'll take the first, which means that I'll end up reading plenty. But you have to help you with the second.

I think I'm going to kill the second one. You take cell? Do you want to read the whole thing? Sure. What? It's a little gift to the... Do we have enough time? Gift to the kids.

All right, so our first email is coming in from Jack. Jack. Hey, daddy's Joe and Brian! And call me uncle, Zach! Not sorry, it's taking me so long to get this written out. You'll see why momentarily. Momentarily. So just like I said last time, my grandfather passed away.

And I don't mean this in a weird way. Jack, I love you. We love your support. it, but the fact that he was like, just like I said last time, and doesn't think there's probably been 7,000 emails between last time and now. I'm sorry that your grandfather passed away. I don't remember reading it. Jesus Christ. I don't. I just want to point that out. We have lives. We have so much going on. I mean, I don't know how many family members have died between Jack's email, but here we are. So I guess like I said last time, my grandfather

passed away, but the reason I never followed up is because things got pretty insane right after that. Literally a few days later, my grandma's house burned down. Not trying to laugh, just the way life works. When it rains, it pours. It would have been nice on the day that the house burned. That fireworks too. Yeah, fireworks. Not my dad's mom who passed when I was younger, and not my grandpa's wife either. They divorced like forever ago. But still, wild week. She and my step-grandpa are okay, but one of their dogs didn't make it, which sucks. But yeah, my grandfather died and my grandma's house burned down in the same week. Honestly, I handle my grandpa's passing okay since we knew it was coming for like 10 months.

And once I knew my grandma was safe, I moved on from that. But right when all that was happening, school got super busy and I just completely forgot, forgot. I even emailed you guys. So again, going right back. Okay. So I'm not a bad person, Brian. Okay. Everybody forgot. Yeah. Then lacrosse started. So I've been busy with that. And I only just started listening again today. And of course, the second I hear Joe reading my email, I'm outside raking sticks and just go, oh shit, and run inside to write this. Anyway, that's where I'm at. I do appreciate the update. His funeral is this Saturday.

And I'm going to be a pallbearer. So I feel pretty mature and whatnot for that. Love you guys. You help me retain my sense of humor throughout all of this. There's no way I would have laughed the day. He died if my brain didn't immediately go to you guys when I saw the minivan. Yeah. It's just crazy that that every time.

It's just class. Someone dies now. Is Jack the, is he the South Africa kid? I don't remember. Now who's the bad guy? I think Jack's the South Africa kid. Okay. I think, if I remember right.

I probably, if it wasn't for this going through the last 60 emails, kind of in a couple days, and probably have a little bit better remembrance. That's a good movie. Bye! and Brian! You have to give me that fast! Sexy honk.

It's coming back. You read ahead. Okay, so you have to help you with this one. Go. Okay. Or I'll pick up if you fail. Okay. I'm not going to, though. Okay.

The second is coming in from Derek. Father Daddy's Joe and Zach. I know. Father Cartel, Poppy, Brian. And he added an eye and a Y in there. That's nice. Hello, gentle dude boy. Do I have a story for you?

Gentle dude boy? That sounds like something you saved your shirt off. He fucking offering gushers in a bathroom. Hello, dude boy. May I offer you a pack of gusers? Dude boy. Straight out the box, dude boy. That was my fault for not pausing at the comma.

Hello, gentle dude. Boy, do I have a story for you? My name is Derek. I guess he, yeah, he does say like German. So, Werman, like German, but changed the G to a W. Okay. Wadman and I grew up with a friend who seems to be a lot like Joe

Anyway, one weekend Sorry, shit Good luck One weekend summer night My younger brother is hitting up anything with two legs and vaginas Oh, that sounds like Joe No, it is it? Hopefully

God, guys, fuck you! On MySpace Definitely wasn't When he looks at my friend And I and says, Hey They're two chicks that live over by the crayon

that want to hang out. Oh, Canyon. The famous crayons. As soon as I said that, I was... Would you like my crayons, dude, boy? I was thinking maybe there's in this small town thing, like there's a giant crayon down the town, everyone hangs out. Wouldn't that be nice? Just a spray-painted push door.

Like a big red wagon down there. Exactly, yeah. My friend had his license and a car, but no job. I had no license a car but had a job. We're going to work out just fine. It's like a puzzle. We fit together. My brother had nothing.

Not even a license or nothing. So me being the fuel guy and my friend being the wheels, we unanimously decided to go to said girls' house. as we were climbing the stairs from my dad's basement, my brother exclaims, oh yeah, dibs on the blonde. Who the f... You guys have known me for how many years? And this isn't what you guys think I act like?

Not that, no. We're leaving the house. I'm like, Dibs on the blonde! What do you have? Nothing! I am nothing! Drive me! Dibs on the blonde! You have nothing, and you still call Dibs on the blonde?

Straight to the crows. Grand! God damn. I gotta stop sharing stories about my life. You can't have nothing and then call dibs. No, no. Shotgun. You're lucky you're going.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You'll take what you can get. Yeah. Like he had any choice in the matter. So, there we go. After a short drive, we arrive. For context, my brother at the time was 510 and maybe 110 pounds.

Good Lord, that's scrawny. My friend was 5'9 and probably 140s. I was 5'6 and probably around 140s as well. If he never brings up weight and height mattering in the story ever again, it's like listening to a, like your wife tell a work story. Yeah. When she brings in, she's like Vanessa, you know Vanessa. Yeah, she's born and getting more, the red hair,

and she's divorced, reason they divorced. Huge calves. And then she never shows up again. Yeah. Okay. So those numbers better play in. We knock. Oh, yeah, okay.

We knock the blonde opens when we walk in. I thought he was going to say, we knocked the blonde off this chick or something. You push the blonde off the crayon? We knock the blonde opens, we walk in. The blonde immediately takes to my friend. She's equal in size to him, nothing to see here. Then her friend comes down the stairs and immediately locks onto my brother. This gal had to have been six foot, maybe six feet too tall,

and easily 250 plus. She was a lineman, a literal Polynesian freight train. You don't see that on a Tinder profile? Nope. We start chatting it up. Then my brother and his captor disappear. We pay no mind.

The blonde, my friend, and myself are chit-chatting in the kitchen, sitting in the counter. Should be on the counter probably. The blonde looks at my friend, then at me and says, well, I want to fuck you. but he but he says

you're hitting up his cousin then looks at my friend and says I want to fuck you too but I don't want to third wheel your friend I tell her

well well the cousin is playing hard to get so then my friend hollers threesome and slides off the counter and starts walking

upstairs to where he assumes her room is the girl looks at me and we both kind of shrug and follow my friend hmm By the time we get to a room, my friend is already bare-ass naked.

He looks at us and asks how we want to do this. I say, I only have two ass. I don't want to hear your voice and I don't want to see your face. Okay, so twosome. Luckily, the group agreed. So you have to leave. What? I say that I'm going to need a need head.

Well, I say that I'm going to need head to get up. the blonde says that's no problem how'd the blonde get back here he didn't want to hear her I thought it's the friend so the 6th 2 Polynesian freight train is also a blonde got it oh see I know how the blonde go

I thought the blonde disappeared back to you maybe the Polynesian ah fuck I don't know yeah it's the other way around I think the Polynesian and the brother went away yeah okay wait no I thought the blonde went oh boy because the blonde walks in the blonde immediately takes to my friend.

She's equal in size. Then her friend comes down the stairs and me locks on to my brother. We start chatting to my brother and his captor. Okay, yeah. So the Polynesian and the brother. So the skinny friend and the blonde are with him. Okay. The string bean.

The string bean. Ezra. Threesome! And slides off the counter and starts walking upstairs. And then we get to a room. My friend's already bare us naked. He looks at us and it's how we want to do this. I say, only have two ass.

I hear your voice. I want to see your face. It's luckily a group of greed. Okay. I say that I'm going to need head to get up. The blonde says, no problem. My friend has already been ready to go. No problem.

Super wake. No problem. Sit trick. Buh, bonus. Super Wake record. High score. I'm going to eat head. No problem.

You. Bet you. Dude boy. Dude boy. That's what I do best. That's what you put in your profile name is dude boy. Good boy. Nice job.

Dude boy. Nice job. Dude boy. Head. No problem. High score. Back to you. My friends are already to go since he ditched his clothes.

So I lay down on the bed. The blonde starts giving me head. Easy, Dr. Seuss. And my friend starts going at her, doggy style. Imagine us kind of in the letter H formation. We know. We've seen every video. After about two minutes, this is how the conversation goes.

It's funny. I didn't want to hear his voice. If you guys ever been a threesome, you're going to hear voices? Yeah. That's how this works. But he said he didn't want to. Can you imagine being a mime and a threesome? You have to communicate.

Friend. So, like, how do you want to go about switching? Me. Please just stop talking. Friend, well, I need to know. Should I tap you on the shoulder or, like, say something. Me, don't touch me, especially while I have a boner. I guess just say switch.

Friend. Okay, yeah, that works. Cool. G G G G G G G G G G G G. Keep in mind, my friend has never slowed or stopped with his pelvic thrusting, and about halfway through the girl was giggling while my pecker was in her mouth. Then, Hayden says, switch. The cat finally got a name. Yeah.

Dude boy. Switch. Pop it. So. Bup, beep, beep, beep, beep, piv, twit, twist it, pull it. Switch it. So we do. Yeah.

We get back to the threesome sex. Threesome sex. It's dark. It's humid, et cetera, et cetera. Then a break into silence. I feel a hand somewhat forcefully cradle my balls. It startles me, and I pull back. At the same time, my friend starts laughing hysterically.

He had reached under her to do some clit dittling, but instead got a handful of my balls! My friend is laughing. The girl is laughing. I'm as limp as an overcooked Spaghetti. Spaghetti! So I say that I'm going to need head to get back up. So we switch. A few minutes later, my friend says,

Hey, Derek, is it cool if I come? To which I reply, I don't give a fraction of a fuck. Please don't ask me that ever again. Then the girl says, you can come in my butt if you want. And he eagerly does. Then just walks out of the room. The girl looks me and says,

Anyway, see you. See, guys. The girl looks at me and says, do you want to come to my butt too? You can. I replied with, I don't think I'm going to come at all. And we just call it now and go back downstairs. And we do just that. Not too long later, the other girl that is still M.A.

with my brother and her boyfriend and his two buddies come through the door. They make her look small. And they're very not happy looking. They ask where the fuck the blonde's friend is and why isn't she answering his call? then he looks at us and says Is she up there fucking one of your boys? Then the trio goes up Starts beating on the door

And it's this point I'm convinced that my brother is going to die And then my dad is going to beat the fucking brakes off me And then my friend and I hear a loud thud on the back patio We opened the door to find my brother Who had jumped out a second story window Without a word we take off to my friend's car And haul ass out of there

We sat in silence chain smoking Until we got back to my dad's house Luckily, my dad fucked around and became died before ever hearing this story. I got his dad. You would have beat my ass.

I think you would have laughed. Yeah. So yeah, that's the story of how my best friend Grab my nuts in a threesome and how my brother almost became dead. Many more stories to come if that works okay with you.

Bye! Said for my galaxy phone because I can't use the computers to send this for my job in a government-controlled facility. Gee. That's a wild tale. Yeah. And I wish I could say that's a very crazy story in a threesome.

You got to be open. That's what I think that's why he said. Sound like Joe here. It felt like he thought that I was just a loose cannon, which I can be. And I've grabbed some nuts. I haven't, but we can pretend I have. So these stories keep coming in. That was good.

What an epic adventure. That was really good. Yeah. That was wonderful. See, what I want to know is, I guess I just wasn't, didn't have crazy enough experiences. But to think about you're going to go into a crazy experience like that and not be ready to go. The need head to get up in a situation where you're going to have sex. Like, I've never had to do that.

Your first threesome is never the best threesome. I know, but still like, I've never. It is weird. Yeah, it's weird. It's a nerve thing. Yeah, it's just like, there's, there's more body parts here than I thought they were going to be. And more judgment than necessary. Sure.

If you have something you want to see on the show, email that into, hey guys at can you know podcast.com. Honkathon is on. Thanks to everyone who supports us on Patreon. Of course, we keep going. Bonus content. More shit like what you just heard happens on the back end of every single show. Head over to patreon.com plus can you know podcast. Rate and review us.

Go check out what Uncle Zach is doing. It's scatcast. Yeah. Dot com. Do you have any updates? Operation Splatters. is going on right now. It's a Kickstarter campaign. That sounds like a reason.

Yeah. It's a lot of splatter. Jeez, Louise. Where do they go? Just to scatcast.com? Yeah, it should be up and ready now. I'm not sure we haven't launched the Kickstarter yet. We'll know the date in a couple days. But it's probably up as of now. Okay. So scatcast.com, that's scat with a K. And then a big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the candy don't playground on Facebook. I believe Brian has a joke. Let's fucking hear it. Yeah. Good God.

already, huh? Brian? This was sent in by Gabe. Who's Gabe? Some guy. Fuck yeah. I'm surprised we didn't get more emails with phone numbers this week. A lot of people loved us calling Dave last week.

Should we call him back? He's been texting me. Has he? Yeah. Let's find out. He will love it. Hold on. I got to find him.

Was that in the regular show with a bonus last week? It was both, yeah. All right, let's give him a call. He's going to be like, oh. What should we ask him? If he's ever had a threesome. It's fireworks. Oh, it's a good one.

Oh, fire fireworks. He's just up. Yeah, what's up guys? He knows now. Have you ever had a threesome? No. All right. Bye.

Bye. His picture with a big. list of important shit. Hey, what's up guys? Yeah, I got to step out to take this. I got to step out. Sorry, boss. Mm-hmm.

You ever got a threesome? No. All right, bye. Fired. Like, what's he thinking right now? He just slid down the entire ladder of a crane. Mm-hmm. Just like Batman.

That's why it took him so long to answer. What's up, guys? Yeah. You ever have a threesome? No. He's climbing back up the ladder right now. All right. See you?

All right. So we got up for the bonus stuff? Well, I didn't tell you the joke. Oh, yeah. Fuck. I got too distracted. That was my favorite phone call of all time. You ever have a threesome? No.

Sure haven't. Just that fucking Minnesota? No. All right, bye. Bye. All right, back to you. What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common? Hmm.

What? They both have a wet nose. Yeah! Just right up in it. Just in. Just there to make sure you're fine. Smooches. Am I right?

Everything fine in there. That is good. I get it. All right. Off to the bonus stuff. All right. Let's fucking do it. We'll see you in there now.

Okay. Bye. Bye. No.