Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Compliment. Rodeo Clown. Pizza. Sucking Toes.

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

When's the last time your girlfriend's mom invited you to suck whipped cream off her toes? Never? Right. Let's talk about that, having to flip a coin to make any decision, sticking your peen in a hot cup of coffee, being able to smell Parkinson's disease, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/KKuEIQKKQosSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Compliment. Rodeo clown. Pizza. Sucking toes. episode 22 hi brian hi joseph how are you we spent a lot of time together over the past week a little too much okay i'm sick of you it's not how i was gonna look at that i was growing fond oh i thought you were gonna go the other way and we were gonna be on the same page no we'll talk about this off the air they don't have to hear about our relationship you know what i mean like i don't want them to know how much you hate me and how much i love you and how we'd have a disconnect there how we're just putting this on just for the show just for the show alone we get done we start punching each other we've

we've the first three four weeks we're okay and then ever since it's been shitty and we've just been faking it ever since yeah it's working out great for us thank you guys for joining us I have right before I came over to the studio to record today I've been having this

washing machine situation at my apartment washing machine in the middle of the night for no reason whatsoever just decided that it was going to stop working so that was fun i went to get the clothes out and they were just covered in a there was in a pond of water pretty much uh okay well i can't fix it tried to look it up getting to the point here but i've been trying to get this thing fixed for like two weeks the guy finally after they fucked up my appointment last week and like oh sorry the guy was coming and then he just didn't that's probably why we didn't show up because he was coming and i was okay sorry jerking off i'm not gonna make it i can't make i completely understand between noon and four. Don't worry about it. If I'm not masturbating. But he finally showed up today to replace the part.

He's talking to me about what he's doing. And he keeps looking at me in a weird way. I did, I was like, what is going on? Spank bank material. Could have been. He's putting me into that spank bank. It's like locking it in, mental picture. And he's talking to me and he keeps looking at me and looking at me.

And I realized it's because I'm wearing an anaconda and fin shirt. And he's trying to kind of read it and understand me and looking at me. And I realized it's because I'm wearing an anaconda and fence shirt. And he's trying to kind of read it and understand what is wrong with me. So I didn't really, it just kept on looking. I was like, what's this guy's deal? His eye contact sucks. He keeps looking at me and then looking at my chest. I felt like a woman.

You're like, my eyes are up here. Get up here. Right up here, buddy. Let's talk washing machine. I was going to say, maybe it's because of your haircut. Maybe. But he was staring at your shirt. He just kept on going up up and down and i guess didn't really get why he was doing it three steps hair eyes shirt hair eyes shirt hair eye shirt but um washing machines fixed in case you were worried about that i was really worried about that actually uh but now the pump is really loud so they get to come back and replace that it's always something i know um but yeah we did spend a lot of time together this past

week we're we're happy that the uh we're gonna be making that what that 9-1-1 video yeah coming out dispatcher shitty dispatcher video i know we i don't know how many episodes back it was now but we had colin the um fucking whatever guy and we put him into the 9-1-1 dispatch situation and that's gonna be coming in video form what now? Is it by the time this episode comes out is it out? It'll either be out or almost out. I don't know what we're going to do. I don't know. But it'll come out and we had a lot of fun making it

and we're going to continue to do that kind of stuff so check out our socials. Joe's going to get into the video world. He's joining the video world. We're going to merge our two things together. So yeah make sure to go watch the facebook and internet all the socials and come over to my page just my name brian aubran and it'll be on there too and that's brian with uh with a y that's so that's right okay i just want

to make sure that people didn't forget about that um get that video going when it comes out go share that shit i know it helps us out a ton because facebook's facebook's so dumb right now it's just not pushing my videos out it sucks it's like they want you to switch platforms yeah i know it is weird when places do that and then you gotta pay you gotta pay to boost your post just to get it out i never had to do that i remember it was uh all that stuff if you're a gamer when twitch was going through shit and all they were was just pissing off everybody that was streaming on their platform. And they were like, okay, bye. Yeah.

And then everywhere else started doing gaming stuff. And now Twitch has kind of lost a huge slice of the pie. Oops. Because they just didn't give a fuck. Yeah, so even the Giants can fall down. If you are subscribed to us on Patreon, thanks to all the new ones that did come in over the past week. You will get the episode a little bit early. That's one of the perks.

You get discounts on the merch. So if you want an Anaconda and Finch shirt, head over to CanYouDon't. Joe's Anaconda don't want an SU. Can. Get that Patreon. Stuff. Buns. CanYouDon'tPodcast.com.

That's where you go. But yeah, so everyone who's a silly goose, part of the gaggle, thank you so much. And starting with this episode we're going to try this out if you are part of the patreon subscription stuff we're going to keep going when the episode's over yeah so you're going to get some bonus content on the back end of this episode yeah it's kind of like a v it's like you're at a club and they're like well let's keep this party going let's go back to a hotel room they click unclick the little velvet rope yeah you go back to the secret room where all that shit goes little velvet rope. Yeah, you go back to the secret room

where all the shit goes on. That's right. And it'll go a little deeper back there. Ooh. In more way than one. Pun intended. Eee.

Want something you want to see on the show? Hey guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com I bring that up to bring this up because we're doing confessions!

And we'll probably call that episode 22.5. Yeah, why not? Each new, each one will be like 23.5, 24.5. Little halfsies. Yeah, and you will get it early. I mean, it's promised early.

It's been working out that everyone who's on Patreon gets it like Monday at noon. I mean, I don't think we've missed that since we started doing the show, but blah, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, confessions. You ready to get into the show? Yeah. Okay. Let's do it Okay Okay

Hey, shut up It's not the show already Kicking off this one with Would You Rather Would You Rather It's a combo between our silly son Danny He's so silly So silly

And your dad Joe I think that I think I Are you calling me your dad? I have no idea Wait, no, I mean you... You calling me your dad, too? I have no idea. Wait, no. I mean, am I calling you daddy now? Yes, you are.

Jesus. Are you grandpa? Not yet. I hope not. Would you rather have every decision in your life be chosen by a literal coin flip or have to say yes to every invite for the rest of your life. And all of that sucks so much. Everything sucks.

Unless you have a gambling addiction, you're going to love option number one. You're like, I don't know. Where do you want to go to eat? I don't know. Get out your special little coin, your life chooser. It's just always in your pocket pocket and you have to pull it out every single time i mean and i'm guess it's gonna be like more major decisions not like whether or not you're gonna get out of bed or not that day like is that that doesn't count as a decision

right that's silly yeah that's silly like a choice throughout your day you're making a choice and then that one because you would even put the coin away you just get out of bed do i walk out of the room do i walk out of the room do i flip the coin like flip the coin to see if you're gonna flip the coin yeah that's ridiculous so let's just make it major decisions through the day okay whether what you're gonna eat okay eats good um whether you go to work all right that's in there that be tough. Yeah, you might get fired. Take a shower or not. All that stuff's in there.

That's a coin flip. Not the minute, petty little things, but like, you know. Things. Yeah. Not like the daily muscle memory things. But yeah, actual decisions. That sounds awful. Do I drive or do I walk?

Mm-hmm. Ding. See, that's where it gets kind of muddy is is getting your car to drive to go to work is that a is that a uh a decision it's just something you do like a decision to me seems like do i have toast or cereal for breakfast yeah it's a thought that crosses your mind does it now become a decision so if you have intrusive thoughts you're like should i punch this guy in the face or should i yeah exactly because that's my mind i have intrusive thoughts all day long and so that would get real dark real fast so it is hard to figure out we have to just define the boundaries on what a decision do i murder this guy or do i not so depending on how crazy you are

the coin flip thing could just be unattainable at some point. So, okay, do I murder this guy? And then it says yes. So you go kill the person. And then you're like, do I flee the scene or do I hang around? Do I get in a shootout with the cops or do I run? Yeah. Ding.

So it's like whatever you think. Put the gun down. Hang on. Hold on. I got to flip this coin real quick. Put your hands up. Let me get my coin. He's going for a gun. No, I'm not i'm just a cone i'm just figuring out if i'm putting my hands up or not i'll explain it all later i promise and he goes oh sorry can't put my hands up

that would be a weird yeah he's like do i do i get a shootout or not and it says yes getting shoot i like all right god damn here we go guys i'm sorry i didn't want the coin has spoken the coin has spoken coin has spoken coin bird remember that old video no no someone hopefully gets that um coiny yeah that that see that's where like i i envy some people's minds sometimes that don't like i know this guy that we'll just be at like a get together like a family get and he'll just like he could fall asleep on the like it will just be hanging out in his chat and he'll fall asleep on the couch you'll see in a bit because he just his brain is just like whatever doesn't matter like it just kind of goes through the day just

turn it off whenever you want my brain is always like um someone's gonna die it's like it's so all day long all day long someone's gonna die someone's dying is it me i don't know am i dying right now am i dying right now i could be envy that just that carelessness of just whatever um easy is there a situation where the corn flip would be any better like if you had nothing going for you yeah i guess oh man i don't know i fuck it i don't know it's too it's too much to even think about but being invited or having to say yes to every invite for the rest of your life that is any but i go hey brian you want to want to come over tonight yes yes i do great will you bring all the food from your refrigerator yes i will does that count as an invite well no no it's just like the invite is getting yes okay you're not

gonna force me to clear out my fridge every wedding invite you have to go to all of them you get it in the mail well if you're married in california go to them anyway oh you got well like if your wife's going you're going too we never really did that because one of us will stay with the kids and not make it a four thousand dollar trip just make it a four hundred dollars do all of your friends have location weddings or something uh well i mean we're neither of us are from or from this area so that's that's one thing to consider so i guess it's always a destination see i never i don't put myself out there to get invited to things my wife gets invited to things and then she'd probably if she asked you in any way i would have to say yes yeah you want to go over to this

yeah or people oh man does this count getting a flyer passed out to you at a show hey man you want to oh god damn some shitty local band everywhere you have to avoid concerts forever hey man we'd love to see you like fuck yes i'll see you there can't wait super sarcastic to every wouldn't miss it for the world you should come check out um our church it's it's opening up in the new whatever oh god oh god i will see you there yep and then when you get to church they're like you should come to our our um our bible study hour or whatever yeah sunday's bible school you have to go that would be torture for me would be you'd have to be so mean to everybody just to that be no invites for you ever again you have to be uh you sit there and make fun of the whole the whole

situation to where they're well no then but then they'd say like well you know what we we feel that you're not fully grasping this maybe uh will you come to wednesday night the advanced study yeah you have to go to that too so it's backfiring by being an asshole yeah because they want to save you so now you're getting invited to get saved all the time now you're every every evening is dedicated to that every time uh yeah a religion swings by your front door to invite you down you got to go let's go right now let's go right now i thought you'd never ask where are we going shut because you get so used to it you just get out and they take their hand and start walking

Like alright let's go You see them walk up to the door You're like hun I'm going out I'm going to the temple I'll be back later You know I don't know how long this goes It's two guys wearing ties I'm heading down to the temple

Every bachelor party It's a lot but You know what also is a lot flipping a goddamn coin for every decision you make and i just i think i'd rather do that you'd rather flip the coin i just i don't want to have to get sucked into everyone's shit a couple i mean you know how coin flips go i have i have one i don't want i'm not fucking doing this that's not riveting audio of me flipping a coin i mean we could make it riveting. You know how they go, where it's supposed to be 50-50, but there's times where you're

going to get heads like nine times in a row. Well, it's never 50. I mean, it's a 50-50 choice, but it's like 90% of the time it goes against you. What? I've heard that. They're like 50-50-90. No. Yeah.

No, that's not how that works. It's a 50-50 chance that it will happen! No! Yeah. No, that's not how that works. 50-50 chance it will happen and 90% of the time you choose wrong. I don't remember where I heard that. There's no way. Let's do it. Just from some guy who's a homeless guy in Vegas

who just lost everything. Yeah. That's the only dude that's saying that. No, but if you just pick heads every single time and you flip a coin a thousand times, it has 50% every single time to be heads or tails and it'll it'll like the chances are the more you flip it the more it's going to balance

out i want to see you flip it 10 times and i want to see if that's how that works you have to keep going i don't think i have a coin so that's but no it's just on a much smaller scale i know 10 times you have to make the scale bigger to get like to represent the 50 50 better that's how that works well we unfortunately we don't have tails okay so where you going heads you're okay tails okay two tails tails so three tails tails four tails heads okay four to one heads four to one Heads Four to two Mm-hmm Tails Five to two Tails Six to two Mm-hmm

Heads Six to three One last one Heads Six to four So 40% was heads Yeah So close

But if we keep, keep going It'll just bounce Anyway, I hope you guys loved that Fucking amazing Well, if you're still here keep keep going it'll just bounce anyway that fuck you guys loved that fucking amazing well if you're still here thank you thank you so much uh no i'm not i'm not i'm gonna go with the invites i'm just gonna pretend it's i like it and i'm gonna go and just be a part of that stuff the only the only thing that made or do you think that you could come down and

uh what it's god damn what's volunteer for the oh oh can you guys hear my dog we need some volunteers like i thought you'd never ask i'm there baby what are we doing no all of it i if oh see that i'd'd almost just take the intrusive thoughts, but I feel like maybe you could train yourself to not think a certain way so you just have your regular decisions. The flip a coin for every decision one, there's just two. My brain can't even understand how many times you're flipping that coin and then the chaos.

How many decisions have you made today do you think like realistic decisions that what i was putting on like am i going to get dressed today is that how wide i don't think i don't think it is because like am i wearing this shirt or this shirt and then you flip a coin and you just have like two things that you choose between yeah either this or that things that you normally do i don't think should be factor into that you get in a car to go to work I don't think you should flip a coin whether you're taking a left or taking a right yeah because you go the same way

but if there's like okay now there's road construction and you're like do I go through the road construction do I run over the workers or do I go around I know it's hard I guess that's why my brain can't be like what is it I think what it's it's do I go I go the long way or the short way? You have to flip a coin.

Okay. I'm going that way. Because I do not want to get sucked into people's stuff. Into a baby shower? Yeah, every time. 40 baby showers this month. And then, yeah, it's like you try to be mean, but then you become the funny guy. That's like they invite you because you are so mean. And they just you try to be mean but then you become the funny guy that's like they

invite you because you are so mean and they just want you to be there it's like oh this party be a lot better if that asshole brian was here yeah to really liven this thing up you want to go out for a drink yes fuck no matter what you have to do you have a busy day you're like okay sorry kids i can't go to your basketball game today i I have to go get drunk. Bye. I think that would become the norm so that people would understand. You're just trying to get out of the office without getting invited to something. And then you call your wife. She's like, where are you going?

What are you doing this weekend? La la la la la la. La la la la la la. You could mash your own eardrums out and never hear them. They'd be like, you come with me sign to baby shower oh fuck all right well we're on different sides on that one i'm

curious what the kids will pick you can send that in let us know i don't get i don't know it's hard to break down what every decision is my brain can't do it you should move on yeah i mean you could get stuck on the whole thing. I don't know. Let's move past it. Okay. Let's flip a coin. Flip a coin, see if we're going to move on to the next one. Heads, we keep going.

Tails, we move on. Okay, one sec. Let me get my coin back out. Where'd my coin go? Okay. Got it? Would you say heads we go on? No, heads we stay, tails we go.

Tails we go. Yes. Okay, fuck. that could have been real bad i know i was well you there was more tails before so i thought we'll stick with the tails theme hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about you know what i'm thinking about joe tell me this is just one of those things that um i always find funny okay that so like especially like wearing like i'm wearing a seahawks hat and a mariner's hat right now or a mariner's sweatshirt or it doesn't matter really what you're wearing um someone will be like oh i love your hat or i love your sweatshirt and you're just like thanks thanks um that's weird to get compliments

on i'm just like a clothing attire yeah something you're wearing because like if i knitted this hat and if i made this hat and you're like oh i love your hat oh thanks i worked hard on this hat yeah but all i did was just order this on the internet right you know what i mean oh thank you so much yeah yeah and it just it's so funny like whether it's trendy clothes whether it's just something you bought or just whatever people are like oh i like your top i uh and thanks i love that shirt yeah i love that shirt thanks um i got it at Ross. Thanks.

I got it. I picked it off a rack. Somebody else made it, and it was on a rack, or it was on a mannequin. Like, if you're going to Nordstrom, and my wife worked at Nordstrom, so she would dress things how the trends were. So, if you go down there, you're looking at a mannequin, you're like, yeah, that looks good. And you just buy that stuff, and someone's like, oh, I's like oh i like your outfit like i didn't have anything to do with this somebody else did i just bought it yeah i bought it and put it on my body but thank you

like i get people are just trying to be nice or whatever but i i that's the kind of stuff i think about like i i hear that and i don't go like oh thanks um and i'll be like always be like oh thanks i made this and they'll be like really i'm like no of course i didn't yeah fuck out of here so it kind of yeah and i could see that uh same logic going to haircuts oh yeah pretty funny like your your haircut wow thank you thank you all i did was stay alive and my hair grew and then i went to a place and someone else made somebody else did it you picked up you like i want that that and then someone else did all the work they're like i love your hair thanks yeah thanks i did nothing for it really what you should do is you should thank the barber or the person that made it so when someone goes hey joe like your haircut oh really well i went to something barber and um and they did this so you should go

here's a number or you could their address is 555 whatever you should go. Here's the number. Or their address is 555 whatever. You should go down there and say, I really like Joe's haircut. Good job on the haircut. Good job. Yeah. Don't tell me. I had nothing to do with this. People walk into your house.

God, I love your home. Thanks. I fucking bought it from this guy who he knows the person who made it. I'll drive you down there right now. Yeah. We can talk to him. Hop in. Jacob Peterson.

Luckily, he still lives in town. He made this house. Beautiful house. Built it himself. I don't want to take all the credit for this house. made it i'll drive you down there right now yeah we can talk pop in jacob peterson uh luckily he still lives in town he made this house beautiful house built himself i don't want to take all the credit for this house but we're gonna go find out who actually built it compliments just in general are weird so he built the house he had someone else style and then he brought in he brought a decorator so janet the decorator came in and decorated the house i really had nothing to do with this i just happened to live here and you're giving me compliments that's i mean that feels kind of nice i like your ears joe thanks and your nostrils thank you so much i let's go tell my parents my parents made them well they didn't have anything to do with it because their parents made them oh what a shit show yeah what a shit show compliments are do you do you have a hard time accepting compliments yes yeah i heard somewhere

if you could it's just a perfect analogy of like if someone that doesn't doesn't a good job taking compliments it's like trying to shove a wrinkled dollar bill into a vending machine yeah you're like here you go thanks and then you say something else back like well okay well i like your ears it's perfect that's pretty funny perfect representation i like that of what it's like getting compliments well in anybody that that like puts out their art or their work or whatever, you're going to get either hate or compliments or whatever. So that does happen a lot. The compliments that I like are someone saying like, oh, it's like you were following me around or you knew the relatability of it. Like a video, a mom video or something like that.

And they're like, oh, I made my day better. That's cool. But when someone's like, oh, you're so funny or you're this, I don't know what to say to that. But someone's like, oh, you made my day better. I'd be like, oh, cool. I'm glad I was able to do that. I made something that had an impact on your day.

Yeah, that's fine. But when they just give you straight compliments, I don't know how to take it how to take that like some you know like people need some people need reinforcement like uh i need to know that i'm told i'm beautiful or handsome or that they like my outfit or whatever i just like i don't i need you to i need you to not do that yeah that's kind of how i am because i'm like we've talked about this before Like I'm not a I don't generally Like a When I meet someone

Or I see someone Not a big Toucher Yeah Shaker Or And You slapped my butt today

Well yeah That was cool But like walking up And slapping your butt Because we have this relationship Yeah we do But I don't like Even when I see people

I don't know I just like There's this weird awkward thing that you're supposed to greet someone a certain way and then somebody somebody will walk up give you a handshake somebody will walk up and do the slap fist thing and you're like what's the next step and then the next some people do the the slap grab into the hug pull you in a little tap on the back yeah and so then sometimes i find myself like is he a clap grab hug guy so then i'll do that and i'll and then they're like they didn't want to do that i'm like now now i fucking did

that oh no like i now i'm a guy that does that that thing they think that brian oh brian's one of those guys i'm like no i'm really not i was just trying to i thought you were that kind of i thought you were that guy so i thought I'd meet you in the middle. Branching back to compliments in general, for anybody that is creative or you make something, that is the weirdest part with compliments is when you get, like you worked on something, but then you kind of have moved past it. Yeah. And they compliment you and you're like, oh, thank you.

But then in the back of your head, like, I fucking hate that. I hate that thing I made. Like, I've progressed so far past that thing you like that now i'm like i'm like well you like that check out this other shit that i'm doing because and then eventually i'm gonna hate that too it's just the way that that's how it is honestly that's how it should be you should look at the stuff you did before like i'm glad i'm not doing that anymore i moved on not stagnant on. Not stagnant. Yeah. But a lot of people, they don't want you to change either. Yeah. It happens with musicians. A new album comes out and it sounds different.

Like, oh, man. You idiots. But I mean, I get that from like, you like that, what they did. But the artists themselves want to evolve. I wonder why there's's gotta be some weird, just weird compliments in general that people have gotten. Like, um,

like example of what you said. I like, I like your nostrils. How the fuck do you respond to that in the real world? Oh, thanks. I like yours too. I like,

wow. You have some good ones too. Oh, and there, that's a whole nother fucking side to it. I like your shirt. Oh, I like yours too. It's like,

no, you don't. Yeah. How are you supposed to respond to that? I don't know. Because are they wanting a compliment back? Fishing. And then if you don't, they're like, oh, well, I said nice shirt to you.

You know? Wow. You look amazing today. Thanks. And you don't come back with it. You look great too. I could see how that. I know plenty of people that are that.

You're there. Yeah. Look at you right there. There you are. Oh, yeah. Look at you. Yeah. Look're there. Yeah, look at you right there. There you are. Oh, yeah, look at you. Yeah, look at us. It's both right here. I always felt weird when there's a comedian on stage or a musician on stage or something,

and the fans are like, I love you, so-and-so. And they're like, I love you, too. That's such a funny thing to say back. Because it's like... First of all, you can't see them because the lights are broken. You have no idea who said that. And I get why they do it. It's just kind of like, oh, thanks.

I love you too. Kind of back. But it seems so insincere. It does. Too. I feel like women would get weirder compliments and probably give, there's probably guys trying to hit on women that have given some really weird compliments. I see this all going down at a bar.

He's like, hey, babe, I like your pockets. What? Thanks. I like to have my hand in your your pockets what look to have my hand in your pocket i just put my hand in your pocket just what the fuck is this all right but if you have examples of some weird ass compliments i would love to hear them i'd love to read them uh so send those in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com god dudes are so creepy they really are hey baby you got two of those years what um want to go out sometime you know what's funny uh i had this thought one time i was like sorry this reminded me of dumb and dumber you know skis yeah both of them both of them yeah cool cool overfilling the gas both of them fuck what was i gonna say sorry i didn't see i if i don't say something i lose it immediately damn it sorry uh uh

talk about creepy guys saying creepy things okay got it Okay. So when guys like we used to go, we'd be drinking the bar. We'd go down to, there was a gay bar in town that we used to go to because it was open until like 4 a.m. And it was a group of us guys. We'd get in there and there was like a pole and we'd just go nuts. We'd be dancing. And there's dudes in there like staring you down and like grabbing your crotch and stuff. Gay bar is a good place to go nuts. You know what I mean? yeah yeah i get it but there was like it wasn't i don't know

i'm i'm not gay but i'm not like i'm not um turned off by i'm not scared i'm not scared of homosexuality so like someone like they look at you and you're just kind of like oh yeah whatever like this is not gonna happen you know but um but but there's some people that are just like oh i don't they like they don't want gay people around they're like i don't i don't want uh like in the nfl like i don't want a gay guy in the in the locker room i don't want him looking at me or i don't want to and like dude calm down you're not that attractive like you're assuming a lot of things are you're assuming that this guy is going to be attracted to you because you're a man right and then i had the style where it's like you're that same guy

is creeping on women at a bar making them feel terrible making them feel awkward that they're being hounded and it's like you're assuming something about a guy that's probably not even thinking about that all the while being a creep to someone who doesn't want. Doesn't want it. Like, hello. What a world. It's crazy. I love the zoo out there.

Yeah. Fucking crazy people. Anyway. That's a fun thought. All right. Should we get into our, get under our confessions? Got some really good ones. Are you ready?

I guess. Okay. Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Confessions Oh sorry Confessions Confession time Confess to me Fellow father This first one

I remember it Because I was just Reading a little bit of it Before we got in here This was a good one So kicking off Got this Well it's Anonymous Daughter

You know how confessions work Says hey fathers Me again I don't know She was anonymous so i have no idea who this is this time with the one and only secret confession i have because why not please keep me anonymous you got of course there was a neighbor guy i was seeing when i was a freshman in college oh i know what i know who this is we were both in relationships but both of our significant others lived out of town which gave us plenty of time to fuck around one day when his mom when when his mom was traveling i stayed at his house and in the middle of making out i got my period that happens sometimes i went back to my house put a tampon in god i just made me think of like a commercial for tampons it says tampon on on. I feel like they, it goes, I don't know.

It went in, right? Put a tampon on like you're wearing like a pair of socks. Tampon on. Yeah, I mean, you don't, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know the lingo. In and on are weird. Yeah.

It went back to his house to sleep over. He woke me up around 7 a.m., hard as a rock, and requesting for me to remove my tampon so we could have sex, which I did. So we're in the middle of it, and we hear his girlfriend's loud voice calling his name. She had keys to the house and was making her way to the bedroom. We both looked at each other in panic, and when he pulled his dick out, there was a very visible pool of period blood formed on the white sheets. I grabbed my stuff while holding my crotch with my panties so no more blood would come out now instead of just covering the blood with something the boy proceeds to smear period blood under his nose and mouth and then he mouthed me i'm just gonna tell her i had a nosebleed borderline genius oh that is pretty smart i snuck under the bed and two seconds

later she walks in and lets out a scream and oh baby what happened are you okay and he's like yeah i just had a really bad nosebleed let me put this in the washer and then let's go to the out to breakfast i wait until i heard the door slam to get out from under the bed got dressed ran to my home now we're both happily married and have stayed good friends and that was the last time we had sex i've never told this embarrassing story to anyone not even my husband and i'm sure he hasn't either. Sorry, not sorry for the long email. That's fantastic. So they never got caught.

Nope. Just little fucking, I don't even know. I picture him basically dressing up like a rodeo clown. He's like, oh, just do this. And like paints a giant period smile. Or like Joker. And how much better would it be? He's like, I'm just going to tell And paints a giant period smile. Or like Joker. And how much better would it be? He's like, I'm just going to tell him that I'm practicing for the rodeo. Fucking what?

And he just goes really elaborate. Like, you can't make that up, right? He's like, wow. He has big old shoes on. Wait, we have a condom. He pulls a condom out and blows it into a little puppy with a little flower squirt squirt flapping his big shoes around he has those by the side of the bed for no reason yeah i've been waiting for this moment you just never know he's never know i have

to pretend like i'm going to clown school and right now it's my time baby that's so amazing she's just under the bed hearing this all unfold because i'm assuming he had to get cleaned up yeah all this kind so she's just laying under the bed the whole time like how long was she hiding under the bed i just pictured like the lie getting worse and worse yeah so he's got a really bad nosebleed she goes on your dick yeah yeah and he's like he's like fold himself in half he's like that's what gave it to me i was trying to suck my own trying to blow myself to blow myself myself in the nose broke my nose and here you are what if she's like i could do that like how about how about you let me do that for you so then she starts blowing him with other other girls period blood on him there's that's got to be a sex that's got to be in the urban dictionary if not we got to

name it after a clown some kind of clown show this oh that man sucking the wiener of somebody else with somebody else's period blood on it that did we just come up with a thing i'm i'm not gonna go look it up right now But we definitely could have A ketchup popsicle? That's a good one A stranger? Look in the stranger's ketchup popsicle? Oh man

It's not your ketchup popsicle Oh man That is Have you ever been caught in the act? Having sex by anybody? Anywhere? No, just kids The little kids

Not our kids Sorry, let me clarify that our kids not just random children we're on the big toy at the park no we're on the big toy at the park and some kids show up no no we would never we don't fuck anywhere but the playground well we usually go to mcdonald's we're in the ball pit right so kids come down the slide and then lands right on us you know yeah i've never been caught in the act i've been stopped because of um like someone comes to the door and then you're like god damn it you have to stop what you're doing uh actually just let them what just let them let them see no i mean did they just knock on the door well they need to come in oh you need to get into the

room that you're in i've had that happen um never been caught masturbating i guess i don't know i've had it definitely ruined though oh yeah yeah where you're like god damn it yep like i thought this was gonna i was gonna be able to do this you hear a door shut you're like ah punch your own fuck punching the clown fucking dick uh yeah go away Yeah you're like you're all excited Wife leaves Sprawl out Get those toesies out And all of a sudden you hear the door shut

And that panic That sick panic I I have a lot of stories from college That weren't me but I think I'm going to leave them alone for now Although I did I haven't to leave them alone for now. Although I did. You got some confessions?

I haven't shared this story for a long time. So if you're coming over from Is Be Dumb, you've heard it. But I did get caught getting a blowjob by my stepdad. And then I lied and said that I was actually showing her my glow-in-the-dark shirt. Like he was going to buy that. The thing you just jumped to. I was like, no, no, no. I was just, she wanted to see my glow-in-the-dark shirt.

Was my dad like four years old? Yeah. Or my stepdad's like, oh yeah, that's a great place to do that. Can I see? Like it's not going to fucking work. Get out of here. Well, you know what's funny is like my kids, they'll be doing something,

you know, they're seven and four. So they'll, they'll try to, you know, pull a fast one on you and say, and then you, you catch it and you're like,

God, is that what I sounded like when I was trying to get out of something to my parents? And you're like, and you think, Oh, my parents, they're old.

They don't understand. They don't know how the world works. They're basically dead. I don't even know how they're still here. And they're like, Oh wait, they're old. They don't understand. They don't know how the world works. Yeah. They're basically dead. I don't even know how they're still here. And they're like, oh, they were in their 30s at the time. Of course they know that I was full of shit. I know. Oh, I just had to take four shits today, Mom?

She knew. She had to know what's going on. I've had that talk with Pepper, actually. I was like, unfortunately for you, you have a dad that did all the things. So you're not going to be able to get away with shit. I'm going to know exactly what's happening all the time. Or it's going to turn her into the best liar of all time. Yeah, we'll see.

She takes it as a challenge. She thinks she gets away with shit. No, I'm like, okay, we know exactly what's happening. I guess there's something to that, though, where you're like, just be honest with us. Just let us know what's going on and we'll work through it. But just don't lie to me. We'll spank you three times instead of five. At what point is it like, you know the whole thing when you shake off when you're peeing

and they're like, there's a limit. There's this unwritten rule. What I was going to say was like when you you said you were gonna spank your kid three times or whatever like when you're just like when does it when's the cutoff point where you're like no i mean just like there's that unwritten rule so like if you're spanking your kids when does it become abuse oh yeah a little cutoff point yeah so you spank your kid a couple times but now you've hit them like five, six, seven times. God, I'm happy that the tie came around because the thought of your brain being like, oh, yeah, spanking kids. How many times do I shake my penis after peeing?

That reminds me. That reminds me of me. I was holding my penis. Holding my penis, peeing, of course. I was shaking my wiener while I was thinking of hitting children. And when does it turn into playing with yourself? I don't know. It beats me.

After you hit your kids four or five times, now you're playing with yourself. Oh, man. Oh, my God. That starts you. Now you're getting off because you're hitting your kids. Oh, boy. That's unfortunate kink for somebody out there.

Somebody's into it. Do something naughty. Real naughty. You're like begging your kids. Sneak out. The police come home with your kids, and you're like, instead of getting mad at your kids, you're like, yes!

Oh, my daddy's going to have an orgasm for the ages tonight. God damn it. Okay, let's move on before we get arrested. Do you want to read the next confession? I'll try. Okay. I forgot about that. Okay, moving on to another confession now.

They write... There's no name to this Joe I know They're anonymous Confessions Right God damn it What year is this?

Like that matters One time when I was in high It was a short one One time when I was in high school I went to Taco Bell for lunch And the cashier lady Was just being rude For no reason

As they do So I went into the bathroom Took a garbage bag Out of the trash And shit in the can while waiting for my food that's so it has nothing to do with the person working and i just love the counter i love that that's like like you're just being rude dude you're like i know what i'm gonna do and take the bag out to make sure it's not easy and you're assuming she was the one one that had to clean it. It's some other person that's going to clean it probably.

Who just started. He's in the back. Yeah. He's not running the desk. He's in the back cleaning up other stuff. What if that's what she's into? Like she just pisses off people. Just like the last.

So they go do things that affects not them, but other people. She's really mean. Like, you know what you should do about it? Go shit in the trash can in the bathroom. So my car Is a red Honda Civic You should go Just vomit

And shit all over that I mean I would hate it I would hate it so much Because I'm so rude Please don't On account of me being rude Wink Wink

What if What if that person Was into Vomiting And shit So they got off on that So they were rude They got off

On someone being rude to them right okay so when they go out to their car and they're like oh they're like sniffing the shit and the vomit oh and they're just like and then that's then they're spank bank and they're like whack it off in the car uh i is this getting this is getting real weird i'm letting you ride but i'm like getting in it i'm in a dark um right now. So I feel like I just want to see where this goes. Stay in there. Stay in the pocket. Naughty things in bathrooms.

Reminds me, I don't know why this story, well, I mean, I know why, but I haven't thought of the story through all this stuff we've talked about with the fast foods over the whatever amount of episodes. I never recalled the story until right now. It was a baseball trip, American Legion. I never recalled the story until right now. It was a baseball trip. American Legion. I remember that. It was in the summer. We were naughty baseball boys.

Whenever we went out of town for these tournaments, we would bring beer or find someone to buy us beer while we're there. Staying in the hotel rooms, drinking beer, all that kind of stuff. On this particular night, we were by Pocatello, Idaho, which is you know south southern idaho southeast and we were right near near enough by and we were like okay let's head

into town because we want to see what's going on we're just high school you want to go poca tello or something pocafello you get it and then so we have our sober driver and then we have a car full i think there's four maybe five of us in this in this car and we're driving into town i'm gonna get to the part about the restroom but the other part of the story is funny too so a couple of the guys in the car they're drunk and they're being assholes and so they're yelling like yelling stuff out the window right assholes to everyone else or to you guys no to people outside of the car and it was funny and we were laughing uh and then we had to stop at a red light. And I'm in the back, and all I'm doing is laughing.

I'm in the driver's side, rear thing, and I'm just sitting there. Windows are down, and I'm laughing. And the next thing I know, I'm getting punched in the face. And this woman who our friends were talking to parked behind us at the red light, got out of the car, and she walked up to my window and me and i was i was the one that didn't do anything and she's like swinging through i'm laughing while she's trying to hit me i'm trying to roll the window up because i'm drunk and she's punching are you physically rolling up are you pushing the button i don't remember because you were making the motion i know i don't remember what was in the car i remember laughing so hard and just trying to get her hand out of it and it was the one person who wasn't

doing anything was the guy was getting punched by this chick. So anyway, that's all over with. And we get out of there and we go to a McDonald's. Okay. And this is where this, this comes in and we're in the bathroom and we all really have to pee because we've been drinking. And so every, all the stalls and the urinals are full.

And my friend who just gets too drunk all the time i hear water noises from the urinal and i like lean back to look and he's standing on the counter pissing in the sink oh my god look he's going yeah and with his hand up on the wall and we're like this the this loudest group of people so of course the manager comes in of course just everybody pissing and laughing and my buddy's standing on the counter pissing in mcdonald's scene and he's just like the counter pissing in McDonald's sink. And he's just like, get out! We're like, you got it. Can I get a Big Mac before fucking leaving?

And we got kicked out of there and had to go somewhere else. That scene to open the door to that. You're like, oh God, there's so many being loud in there and then so much worse. So much worse.

Yeah, people laughing and dude pissing in the sink. I love that he's standing there with his like the casual hand on the wall yeah hey buddy splashing around everywhere i said no fucking pickles because it's a bowl so it's splashing everywhere he did not care he's that friend um anyway should we get on to our our next confession sure are you ready for that okay here we go i got something that i want to get off my chest. That's something I want to get on a chest.

It was back when I was 18. I was in college, living with my girlfriend and her parents. But my girlfriend at the time had a smoking hot mom. The girl was hot herself. But check this out. I like that segue. One night, my girlfriend at the time Was dipping my balls and dick In a tub of whipped cream

Straight from the refrigerator You know getting freaky trying some new things I've never Just been like let me try something new Yeah let me dip your junk In the whipped cream Not put whipped cream on your junk Shoving your junk in the whipped cream

Because I was going to say Maybe it takes you sweaty But don't dip it in there cream on your junk shoving your junk right in the whipped cream yeah because i was gonna say maybe maybe it takes you sweaty tastes gross yeah don't dip it in there because now you contaminate the whole or do because this is why this is fun well after we finished up uh she put it back in the fridge the wiener or put it put his penis right in the refrigerator well fast forward a couple hours later my girlfriend's mom at the time no would always catch me looking at her toes she knew i wanted them side note yes i have a foot fetish guys well but back to the story she asked me out of nowhere hey matt oh he gave his name that's your that's on you buddy do you want to suck my toes

that that line from someone else's mom is really funny to me. Hey, bro. Okay, just so I'm clear. Earlier in the day, it was with the girlfriend, and now it's the mom. Now it's the mom. Okay. Who, he has a foot fetish. He says, hey, Matt, do you want to suck my toes? Me, shocked, not knowing what the fuck to say.

She says, I see you look at them all the time. I said back to her, they are very pretty. So she got up, went to the fridge, and got the same tub of whipped cream. Dipped her toes in it and says, here you go. And I sucked it all off, each toe, like nobody's business. That's such a funny line. Oh, my God. Like nobody's business.

It's like, no, nobody has that business, bud. It's such a weird saying anyway. It's so good. I know. Doing it like nobody's business. We got after it like nobody's business. What? Yeah, it's nobody a weird saying anyway i know doing it like nobody's we got after it like nobody's business what yeah it's not it's nobody else's business no one said it was a business what are you what are you doing anyway nobody's business and she tells me to never speak of this and you

might get more of these toes lol so i said you have my word told her good night went back to mine and my girl's room to sleep next Next morning, her dad comes home from working all night. Goes straight to the fridge for a snack and a drink. Oh, my God. Tells me good morning. Grabs eggnog, chocolate pudding, and wouldn't you know it, the tub of fucking whipped cream. Grabs a spoon, puts a spoonful on top of his eggnog and the spoonful for his pudding. Then to top it off, he scoops the tub with two fingers and licks it

off no i was crying inside i had my balls and dick in that tub and his wife's toes anyways that's my confession sorry it was so long three and a half out of five stars love the podcast stay fucking funny that is it fan oh my like that's something you just can't nope just just sitting there you're sitting at like on the couch or the the coffee or like at the dining room table while you're watching you just kind of hand in your head in your hands like oh geez oh do i just let him go and i'm assuming this is just one of those things that went uh went to the grave where it's gonna be heading to the grave i wonder if you got them toes again though you want somebody? Here, you got my word.

Well, right back in. We know your name's Matt, so that's your fault for putting that in there. Well, we could just bleep it out. Dude, no. I'm not doing it. So if you got more than toes, Matt, right on in here and let us know.

That's the main takeaway from this. Did you get to suck some more toes? There's so many mats. Are you a toe sucker? No. Okay. You ever suck toes? Toes ever? I never have. Have you? you yeah i've done it not like not really my thing but i've done it

mostly it's like they just happen to be near my mouth they were just there yeah it's like you're you're doing the stuff and then you're like oh there's some feet up here by my head i guess i'll suck on these toes for a bit hey thanks, thanks, Joshua, for becoming a patron. Oh, someone just signed up? Yep. Thank you. Thank you so much. That is amazing.

I feel like there's been a couple of stories. This one and I think one earlier. It's like American pie. That's what I was going to say. Yeah. You know, like scenes like that. You see something happen. I don't know.

Movies do it all the time. you see something terrible happen to something come when someone comes in and and uses the whatever like a dog shit on a spoon or something and he's like oh i love i love this spoon it's my favorite it's like oh i can't say anything because this is my girlfriend's dad's favorite spoon right and and then you see the guy walking in everybody's seen my favorite spoon laugh track oh man what a wild ride that is though oh god see that see that would be funny something is like dirty as what's going like this but put a laugh track to it like it's a that's what that's what we should do i think we should write a sitcom sitcom style but it's this kind of shit it's the confession

and yeah I guess have the if you never mention a word to this I know you want to suck my toes later the soft laugh is my favorite soft laugh the soft laugh it's like a grumble Yeah

So the person adding that is Like just a little funny Yeah just a little bit Just a tiny funny And then the back end Can't be over the top Okay you want to read Our final confession

For this week Brian Hey daddies Oh hey I don't know why I say it like that Just comes out naturally Joe and Brian Brian! Hey, daddies! Oh, hey. I don't know why I say it like that. Just comes out naturally. Joe and Brian Brian!

was just listening to Joe talk about throwing his son under the bus. I love, like, that's a metaphor and, oh yeah, this, yeah. I was thinking, no, he probably did throw his son under the bus. He's throwing him into a nightstand. What's the difference?

That should be the new saying instead of throwing him under the bus. Yeah. You know, I bus. He's throwing him into a nightstand. What's the difference? That should be the new saying. Instead of throwing him under the bus, I'm not going to throw him in a nightstand. You're not going to throw him into a nightstand? What? I threw him under the nightstand with nobody's business. There you go. What kind of business are you in? What kind of fucking business are you in?

That's not the point. That's not the point. That's not the point. Okay. All right. not the point it's not the point it's not the point okay all right uh son under the bus washing the the sap off his car reminded me of a blackout drunk night me um oh my god we need we need punctuation blackout drunk um night comma we need a comma here me and a friend at a local strip club this is so it's like one time i was going to just a little context this place is renowned in the area for being the worst

strip club okay we all know those places you only go there when you're fucking hammered and you have a buddy that doesn't know how bad it is we have seen a one-legged woman and an angry little person and all sorts of obvious scars all sorts of scars oh man my favorite was a woman with a tattoo on her chest that said sure i don't know why that sure i guess whatever that is a tattoo i only want to see in a strip club that woman has been through some shit yeah she's hey can i do read the shirt read the chest i'm sick of saying it just look sure can i come on your sure why not okay refer i just love that anytime you have a question or a request just refer to the chest she just pulls her blouse open sure sure so one night my friend and i went went in we would love to pick... Oh my God, let me try this again. Why can't I...

I don't know. Okay. I haven't read anything in a week. So one night my friend and I went in as we would love to pick up and play really... Pick and play! Pick and play! There's no up in there. I swear to God.

What does pick and play mean? Okay. Keep reading and you're going to find out. So one night my friend and I went in as we would love to pick and play really not strip club music. On the jukebox. We would love to pick and play really not strip club music on the jukebox. It's that low class where the dancer can't go unless people play songs for her. I've never been to one like that, but that's so funny.

It's like, coming up next, what happened to you for here for cotton eye joe she's like god damn it what dare you this land is my land like what the fuck and god is an awesome god we ray god bless america God bless America Land that I love Doing a high kick Just grind Doing that thing where they go Where they spread their knees And then their ankles And they kind of like

They can move forward or backwards God bless America I pledge Okay Pledge of Allegiance She's fucking doing twirls To the pledge Okay anyway that's funny doing twirls to the pledge. Okay.

Anyway, that's funny. I want to go to a strip club where I get to pick the music. Where the hell was I? Right there. And you can guess what we would play, and I know we're assholes. I swear to God. Do you want me to pick up from here? Yeah.

Do you really want me to? Yes. Holy shit. Okay. This night. I swear swear i'm not this bad this night a moderately a moderately attractive dancer was walking around asking for tips and my buddy decided to pretend to be deaf and thankfully i caught on right away and we started signing to each other with me telling her sorry my friend is deaf he doesn't know what you're asking she said oh poor thing, and left. By now, we realized we had to keep this up all night.

At the end of the night, a dancer that was extremely attractive came up and started to sign to him in real sign language. Since she could obviously tell since we were signing like Brian reads emails. So good. I knew that line was coming, which made all this way funnier. We both gave her $20 and left the club. Man. So, I mean, we both gave her a $20 and then a dollar sign. So, like, come on, man.

How do you expect me to read this shit? I somehow made it through that part. You did. I don't know. I think you read this one already, though, so you knew what was happening. No. I didn't put it to memory. Memory.

It doesn't matter. I love the idea of- Fuck you! When you find yourself in those situations where you have to keep going. I know we talked about with the goofy hands, with the windshield wipers. God, that story's so good. You're so in deep that it's like you have to play it out. And it didn't really say why he decided to pretend that he was deaf. he's just so drunk he's like trying to talk he's like oh this is

working he's just like i don't want to say anything well i've done things where like i remember back in college and stuff we would we're at a bar and like let's pretend we're from alabama for whatever and then so you speak in an accent or you pick like a job that you guys like a business that you work at i've done that with buddies before so you know in an accent. Or you pick like a job that you guys, like a business that you work at. I've done that with buddies before. So, you know, it's really funny. This reminds me of a story. A buddy and I, we were, it was like two, three o'clock in the morning.

We were at a breakfast place here in Spokane after a night of drinking. And these two girls sit down at the table with us. And we're pretending that we're from Alabama or something. I don't remember. We were pretending we were from somewhere. And just, you know, just shitty accents. And we're pretending that we're from alabama or something i don't remember we were pretending we were from somewhere yeah and just you know just shitty accents and we're playing into this and then we leave go home and a couple days later i was chatting with my buddy and he's like oh yeah that he had a class with that girl oh perfect so we were playing it up oh gotta get back on the early flight tomorrow exactly roll tide and then he comes

comes to find out he's like oh yeah she probably knew we were full of shit we have like trigonometry class just transferred oh wow

what are the chances I was like oh god I liked it here last night we got done talking I liked it here so much I just moved here I just moved here packed up

I'm actually I'm having somebody else pack up my shit and they're bringing it up they're bringing it over because I'm so rich I just like keep the light going oh man well my buddy and i we we do this thing zach you know zach we're like well if it was like an attractive woman in the radius that we're at we'll just be like um yeah i was i don't know i we might go to cabo

this weekend but i was thinking about selling that place and buying another place in like Bora Bora but I don't know we'll just kind of see like what it looks like and you just casually and then just just see like

if anyone looks over it's just kind of fun all that place in Cabo I'm just I'm so upset I wanted it wasn't the color of red Ferrari I wanted

right yeah it was red but it wasn't like a blood red this is too bright and like you take fake show pictures like this one oh yeah yeah no yeah he. And like fake show pictures like this one. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, yeah.

He's like, oh, Wiker's got this one. He starts showing off. You're like, nothing. I love that. You're just showing pictures of like just memes. Of smiley faces? Yeah. Just like pictures of your own dumb faces that you just took.

All right. Well, that was our confessions for this week. That was fun. That was fun. There were some good ones in there. You know what we should do? Instead of me reading, we should put these into a voice thing and just have have the robot voice it yeah or have someone like draw it into pictures for you like the higher cartoonist that would help like you're

like i think what's happening here can you imagine that i just try to guess the whipped cream dick situation and it's all but it's only pictures like cool lip penis emoji and just like balls are dipping into it you're like what the fuck i like that all right let's go to some good news because this one is pretty wild okay so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed yeah all right so this one i came across it just blew my mind. I it's just it's wild It's you figure out you have some weird talent like this. I don't even know how you do it But here I'll just read the article and we talk about it So a woman can smell Parkinson's disease with incredible accuracy and is now helping scientists to develop a test to diagnose it They're not talking about a dog. They're talking about a woman. Yep, joy

Milne Milne let Yep. Joy Milne. Let's go. Joy Milne is a retired nurse from the Scottish town of Perth. She developed the ability to detect Parkinson's after sniffing the disease on her husband 12 years before he was officially diagnosed. He had this musty, rather unpleasant smell, especially around his shoulders and the back of his neck, and his skin had definitely changed she said joy wasn't aware that the odor she was smelling was parkinson's disease yeah yeah obviously god what is this what is that is that mold or parkinson's disease what it's like it could be parkinson's but it's not it doesn't have like that it needs to be like

more of a a musty you know right no that's not no i don't think that's that's diabetes joy wasn't aware that the odor she was smelling was parkinson's disease she only linked the smell to the condition after her husband's diagnosis when the pair visited a parkinson's uk support group joy detected the same scent among the other people there who had the same distinctive smell. How crazy is that? The test that she was smelling people, the test had an amazing 95% accuracy. And the scientists found 4,000 compounds of which 500 were different between those with Parkinson's and those in the control group. What a crazy, I don't't know like i can wiggle my ears

like that's just something that i can do oh weird i can do one at a time how cool is that freaky thanks i and things like that but i'm not gonna help out the world this lady is a walking parkinson's test go the hand fire thing yeah i can do that do you ever do i can't really write down that one. You ever deal with your eye socket? Oh, my God. You're going to suck your eye out. Stop it. Okay.

Could you imagine being in that test? Oh, here. Just visualize this. So, you're sitting there and she's like, I can see her like with her hands, kind of fingers kind of tapping together, walking up and like, and the person's going, please don't. Yeah. Please don't smell like that. The fear of like, and then she's like, and then she kind of gives like a point to him or the people like this one right here.

And he sticks a little flag, puts a little cone down. Yeah, he puts a cone down. Oh, fuck. Parkinson's. Like a party hat on him. Like trying to lighten it up a little bit. It says Parkinson's on it. Parkinson's party.

Oh my god. Okay, for anybody that has the bandana on, come over here on this side. Right. She just goes, and just gets a little party hat and then slides it under your chin. She just puts it on your head and she goes, sorry. You know what? She gives you like two little sparklers. You know what's funny?

It's going to be okay. Is if you don't know if it's a good or bad. They don't tell you. So you get the party hat and you're thinking, oh, sweet. I don't have Parkinson's. Party. We're throwing a party. I made it.

And then they're like, now all the people with the party hats come over here. And they take them to another room. Like, now if you're in this room. You have Parkinson's. You have Parkinson's. Sorry. We're trying to make it as fun as possible. We're having a party though. Trying to make it as fun as possible. year and they take him to another room like now if you're in this room you have parkinson's sorry we're trying to make it as fun as possible um okay let's move on to something that one of our sons found on the interwebs i could i could spend some time on that one i know it's pretty good

it's pretty funny the internet is pretty wild depending Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! We're both some video game playing dudes.

Sure. Aren't we? Yeah. This was sent in by our son, Seth. I just thought it was neat i have something similar to this i don't i forget what it's called uh ezra stole it from me because that's how kids work but it's one of those where you can connect different wires just to different things and then they become the connect the controller so you can hook it up to like a spoon

then when you touch the spoon it makes makes like a boop, boop, boop, boop sound. Whatever you program it to make. This article isn't loading right now, so that's a bummer. I was just trying to load it too. But I remember what it was all about. This guy used one of these mods and made a controller out of just pizza

and then beat Dark Souls with a controller that he made out of pizza, which I think is really funny. Dark Souls is really hard on its own. It's really hard when you're playing with a controller that's made out of pizza. What would make that even harder is if that pizza looks tasty and you're just like, I want to take a bite, but this is my controller.

This is my B button. I can't take a little snack of this. The pepperonioni all the buttons if you if you uh touch the crust it's like space bar right just so hungry smelling that pepperoni uh oh yeah makey makey that's what they were and that's the same thing that this guy used so if you go to makey makey.com you can get it but it allows you to yeah basically connect whatever you want to become the the buttons or to set off the remote however you or however you have the little makey makey module program it'll do that you play music and obviously this guy used it to turn into

controller and be you could build souls you could build like the most ideal controller that would fit your hands how you like it. If you could customize it. I thought that was neat. I hope that we see other really hard... I hope you go to like a... Imagine a Call of Duty tournament. Which also does remind me... There's a guy... I'm not sure if you've ever seen his clips if you're this far into

video game stuff. There's a guy that plays Call of Duty with a flute. Have you seen it? No, I haven't seen it. So different notes make the controller go in different directions. Is he good? And he's a sniper. So he just like sits

back and controls the... I think it's like... It shoots. It's so funny. He's laying on the couch. And he just plays a little song and controls the... But I'd love to see a competitive guy in a tournament with just like moldy pizza controller. It's just so good. He's just so good.

He's like, if I play with a regular controller, I'm going to destroy everyone. So he's like making it... Making it a little harder on himself? Yeah. Well, thanks, Seth. Thanks for sending that in. I didn didn't know that that was possible could you attach it to your penis yeah probably there's only one way to find out we got to find that makey makey module because you're we if you got your wiener hard it could be like a joy like an atari joystick so you now you're like flight simulator and you're just like pull up pull up i don't i can, I can't,

I can't. The joysticks or my, whatever, whatever the flight thing would call it. What's it called? Is it called a joystick? My steering wheel is flaccid. I'm trying to think of,

I can't, I can't pull up. It's flaccid. The steering wheel is flaccid. I need another pill. Another pill. Get it and bring it in here. Uh,

okay. Blue chew. Let's, let's end. Uh, we'll head over to, Hey guys now and Bring it in here. Okay. Blue Chew. Let's end. We'll head over to Hey Guys now and read an email here. Okay. Okay. Hey, you guys. All right.

Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All right. I was just going to say, all right, Joe Joe It's time for redemption And then

I Oh my god Time for You got it I need that Smelling lady Over here Just to make sure

Make sure Okay Parkinson's party hat Our first email Coming from our daughter Emily Hi Em Who writes

Hello dad Hello Hi Emily I just wanna say I look forward to the show drop each week. The John Jacob Jinglehammer Schmidt shit almost killed me. Oh, almost shit almost. Schmidt almost killed me.

I laughed harder than I would like to admit. Okay. I'm emailing you because I believe Kayla has a valid point. Okay, back to the barking. Yeah. Okay. I don't want to be approached by a random child. I don't want to have to make awkward conversation with a random child.

I get that. You are not anything to me. You're not anything to me. Go away and find your parents. What if that kid is like lost? My family's gone. Get out of here. You're nothing to me.

And then she finds out. That means nothing. There's a news story about that kid being kidnapped and murdered and it's because she barked at him and that all they have is surveillance footage of you being like you are nothing to me and we're looking for this key witness uh please oh that's so funny if anybody's seen this woman it should go away you're nothing to me kicks the kid away oh okay god uh i don't know where i was um you were're nothing to me. Kicks the kid away. Oh, God. I don't know where I was.

You were not anything to me. Go find your parents. I also don't want my nieces and nephews to talk to random people. The world is a scary place. I also have a quick anecdote. Anecdote. Anecdotes. I mean, come on.

Here, take this. Here's your antidote. I need a reading antidote is what I need. Kind of along in the same vein. Kind of not. LOL. Okay. My family was all going to Texas for vacation, so my sister and I needed to renew our passports

and our... Passports? Mm-hmm. She must be in Canada or something. I don't know. Mm-hmm. I thought this show was America only. No.

It's everywhere. All right. I guess it could be anywhere. I'm just assuming because of the emails written in English that she's in Canada. That's my guess. I don't know. I think some places you've got to have passports now to travel. Fucking Texas isn't wonderful.

No, that's not. Come on in. Everything's bigger. You have to have a giant passport. Like a giant check. It's a comically large passport excuse me one second the picture of you is just like

this big gigantic picture he's like he's holding it next to you he has to put it on an easel it's a life size and stand back and adjust his glasses he has a big stamp. Comically big stamp. Welcome to Texas.

He's wearing a giant foam cowboy hat. What kind of fucking airport is this? Everything's bigger in Texas. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. God, that'd be funny. Excuse me? Unfold your giant passport.

I think we're going to spend some more time on this in the party. Oh, in the Patreon party? Texas. The pee-pee party? Oh, that's funny. Where am I at again? My sister and I need to renew our passport. It's a two-hour drive from where we live to the nearest passport office.

This is funny. Can't you just go to a mail place? I'm guessing she meant DMV. I have no idea. The post office here. Post office. We're not going to ever get through this. Mail place.

Sorry, post office is what I meant. The post office here doesn't even do passports anymore. Okay. So I think they're kind of changing it. I think we did that in Spokane. Okay. All right. Because you're in Idaho and they don't.

They're like Texas. Yeah. So we decided to load up, us and the kids, to spend the day in the city as we live in a rural town. We could get our passports done, go for a nice lunch. Why am I? Okay. And was getting some shopping in.

Okay. So they're're gonna make a whole day out of it well we were in the waiting in the line for my sister's oldest child was being the perfect dream child at four her youngest at three not so much yep terrible whatever all of them it's just terrible i think that's what it is we tried we tried bribing him with a nice lunch giving him our phones oh yeah we're doing that that. And his toys to keep him busy. We were in the government building. Okay.

Please, child, we need you to behave. Realize we should have got a babysitter for the day, but it was a good thing the kids were there as their photos needed to be retaken. So we are at our wit's end, about to walk out. Say, fuck it. No passports. No vacation. No, fuck all.

No, fuck all when no fuck all maybe they're from uh england maybe it's not fuck all fuck all it's not no vacation fuck all all i'm doing is is i'm delaying so i don't have to read that's really what i'm doing um when this woman turned around the line, excuse me, young man, your mom has been so patient with you, but I can tell you're driving her nuts. Do you know what I have to do with little boys who are not being bad? Or are being bad?

You know what I do with little boys who are being bad? I put them in a bag, hold this open massive purse. I take them away, and they never, ever get to see their mommies ever again. Wow. He instantly stopped whatever the bad thing he was doing, clung onto his mom's leg,

and didn't make a peep for the rest of the time we were in the passport office. All we could do was say thank you. He's now eight. It worked for years. Whenever he was being a little shit, we would tell him, you better behave or the bag lady will come and get you.

She doesn't know how influential she's been in our lives i can guarantee you there are parents out there that would have found that offensive but seriously bag lady if you're out there thank you awesome bag lady is also a different lady i hope you like the story and i promise my nephew is well adjusted sweet young man we all and i don't think we can cause too much trauma. Now he knows it was only ever a joke. Love you guys. E. That's so funny, though.

Giving the shout out to someone like, wherever you are. Wherever you are, bag lady. Wherever you are, bag lady. Just know. Your true blessing to this family. Bag lady has no idea. She'd said that and forgot all about it. And for years, this family has remembered this lady

I love Just the entity that is bag lady Even if she didn't exist I think This is a good thing for parents to scare their kids with Make it up It's kind of like Santa Claus You know what they say

She knows when you're sleeping She knows when you're sleeping She knows when you're naughty That's probably where it started Santa started She knows when you're Being bad She knows when you're sleeping Yeah She knows when you've been naughty Getting her fucking bag That's probably where it started Like Santa started Cause he's got the bag He's got the sack

Probably Krampus Or Krampus Krampus Yeah Probably Krampus is just bag lady Krampus Just bag lady wasn't catchy

They needed a A fat White guy Fat white guy In a red suit Or whatever Um Okay

We have one more email Before we wrap up this show this one's coming in from our babysitter penny when i first moved in with my late husband i was sitting on the floor tying my shoes he straddled me and put his crotch in my face i went to smack his ass and slapped him in the balls so fucking hard he fell down and i ran that story reminded me of the time he thought i had a cold cup of coffee and said, let's add some cream and then stuck his dick in the cup. It wasn't cold. His scream made my

mourning. Is this from the same same guy? This guy just likes sticking his dick in things. He just moved on from the mom tub of whipped cream situation? Yeah, now he's sticking it in hot coffee. That's from Penny. She's a babysitter.

She is. Thank you, Penny. Yeah, thank you. And thank you to all the babysitters that do the mod work for the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. If you haven't joined that, head on over there. They'll get you in there. That really did work out pretty well.

The whole... The whole kid thing? The whole thing. Playground and the pedo... What? Nope. If you want to become a part of the gaggle, head on over to

patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. You'll find a link in the episode description as well. And a reminder, if you are one of the silly geese, we'll continue the show for a little bit longer after we wrap things up here. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram, canyoudontpodcast. Also make sure to head over and check out

Brian Albrant, that page, because we're posting a video with the worst 911 call that we made this past week. So, go check that out. Something you want to see on the show, send in a petty beef or a confession. Go to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. That's the email. Send it in. Yeah, I think that's pretty much it.

Ready to wrap it up? I got an interesting thought for you. Wrap it up. Cut it out. I got an interesting thought for you. I'm going to wrap it up. It up. Like my wiener? Cut it out. Oh, come on. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? All right, Brad, check this out. Checking. Someone somewhere in the world has nipples that are compatible with Lego bricks. What? Boop. It's a perfect little fit. What? Boop. It's a perfect little fit. Snap right on there.

Could you imagine the stuff that you could build just to clip on there? Your dreams. You could build your dreams on your chest. I know. I'm assuming it's a dude because women don't have that small of nibbles, right? Some do. I've come across some tiny nibbles on some ladies. That could fit a Lego brick? Yeah.

I'm trying to think. I want to get some Legos and see if I can put them on my. Men having nipples is weird anyway, but like the difference in sizes of the nipples too. Yeah. Cause I mean, you know, the whole area is bigger or smaller. No, but I mean, you could have like women are flat chested. I assume would still have nipples that are. Sometimes. A little bit bigger.

Made for feeding. Nipples come. I assume would still have nipples that are. Sometimes. A little bit bigger. Made for feeding. Nipples come. I've been early on in my dating career. I made out with a lady that had no nipples. Nothing. There's no nipples on there. And that was a wild, that was a trip. Yeah.

It was a wild thing. And she had fake nipples. She could stick on. Did she have a mastectomy? No. She just was born without nipples. I don't know what the. Oh, so she had. No nipples. But she had boobs. Boobs. No nipples she could stick on did she have a mastectomy no she just was born without nipples i don't know oh so she had no but she had boob like there was boobs no nipples there is there no remnants of was there an areola no kind of barely like the skin kind of changed texture but not really

pretty neat huh yeah that's that's neat it is neat that's pretty neat that's pretty neat you tell it's an aspirin because of the way it is. All right, ready to go? Yeah. Bye to the people that aren't continuing the ride with us? Yeah, yeah. Okay. And if, yeah, bye to them.

And if you're coming with us to the party, we'll see you in there. Woo-hoo! Woo!