Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Credit Score. Underwater. Goat. Axe Peen.

Episode Date: October 9, 2024

Have you ever been so high on mushrooms that you decided it was a good idea to cut your dick off with an axe? Let's talk about that, how many bugs we eat without knowing it, running a marathon with a goat, jerking off a silverback gorilla, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/eydC6IqvJkgSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Credit score, Underwater, Goat, Axe-Peen. A little update on... And that's our show. Evil. Oh my God. This is so good. Are we live? I haven't done that in a while. Makes me so angry. I know it does.

It's been a while. All right. Suppressing the rage. Let me get these almonds out of my teeth. Yeah, just eating almonds, the quietest podcast snack. That actually reminds me of a little funny, just a little quip that Cassie and I had the other day. Like how funny it would be if a marketing for like a chip bag. It's like now with a new louder bag

and they just put it right on the front you're like yeah dude i could totally that's like a 90s that's a good doritos doritos commercial where it's like they go and it's like the neighbors go ah you know it cuts back to them now with the new louder bag yeah and the neighbors are like hey yeah banging on the wall dude that's that that may have happened we have to start a chip company just just we can do that commercial all right quick update on the studio we're not smurfs anymore that's good took some time uh fixed it up so that's work yeah thanks um i have a quick story before we get into the show oh just because i have to share the most spokane thing that I've seen in a while.

And if you're not aware of Spokane. Beautiful. Beautiful. Downtown Spokane. It's not aware of how Spokane it is. Like, they just don't know. Like, you live in it like the Matrix. Like, it's right, you know, it's like right on your face, but you can't see all of it until you step back and look at it or go somewhere else and then come back.

Drive downtown. Yeah. And you're like oh okay okay anyway this had to share this because it was uh fucking cracked up first of all there was a cop right in front of me um which not that important to the story because if i was that police officer i wouldn't have fucking dealt with this shit and on the sidewalk there was a guy hunched over so it looked like either the worst back problems or some drugs you know or he was in the hunchback of notre dame yeah notre dame like you know how that you know that lean that drug oh yeah the fentanyl lean whatever the hell it is completely hunched over like uh when you're like you're stretching out your scolioship Scolioship He's bending over

But he's also pushing a lawnmower Down the sidewalk Was it running? No, not that I heard Or the world's quietest push lawnmower And then on top of the lawnmower were all of his groceries Did he have a makeshift basket? Nope, just stacked on top of his push lawnmower.

And they could see the milk like shaking on top of the motor. Just ready to go at any point. And the cop had his blinker on and then just waited for this guy to push his lawnmower or grocery cart bent over through the crosswalk. And then just kept going. Oh, he was crossing the street? Yes. Imagine all of his shit falls out and everyone's waiting to go.

The light turns green. And the cop's like, God damn it, puts it in park. Because that happens all the time. Oh, yeah. I drive downtown and people are just walking across the street with a green light.

Yeah, they don't care. They're like, please kill me. Yeah. All right, anyway, back to the show. It is, it's getting wild. Episode 121. If you want to get the bonus content, you do me. Yeah. All right. Anyway, back to the show. It's getting bad. It is. It's getting wild. Episode 121. If you want to get the bonus content, you do that by signing up on Patreon. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast.

New merch in the store. Reminder, we have the ongoing giveaway happening right now. CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. It's where you find all of our merch. And between now and Halloween, if you buy any piece of Can You Don't merch, you have a chance to win. And the choice is either you can send something to us. We'll cover the shipping. It's got to be reasonable.

You know, you can't send us like a fucking donkey. Yeah, well, I mean, you don't have to send that. Just walk it up. You just ride it. Ride it up like you signed my donkey. Don't poo-poo the donkey. Come on. Yeah, okay.

So you can either send us something, we will sign it and send it back, or you can leave that decision to us. We'll just pick a random item, sign it, and then send it to you. I'm excited for this. So anything you buy. Again, canyoudontpodcast.com. Something you want to see on the show, the email for that is heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. We're doing lap time with Uncle Zach.

What are we talking about? We've got an interesting potential food group. Food groups. Oh, you got me intrigued. I'm actually going to learn about tasty stuff. I'm feeling a little hungry. I've been eating almonds. We know.

Yeah. And drinking a soda. Yeah. Yeah, we heard it. The two loudest things. We know all about it. Tons of ice and plastic cups and shells. We did get some mail.

If you want to send something in, a physical thing, the address is posted in the episode description on all episodes. We love getting mail. And this was sent in by Tink McGurthy? McGathey? Tink McGathey. I think McGurthy is better. Tink McGurthy?

It is. I mean, come on. I'd watch that porn. Yeah, dude. He's wearing Tink McGathey? Tink McGathey. I think McGurthy is better. Tink McGurthy? It is. I mean, come on. I'd watch that porn. Yeah, dude. He's wearing Tink McGurthy. Tink McGurthy compilation. Pound ass fuck fist. Writes, hey daddies, who are younger than me, oddly.

Maybe science is getting weird. Yeah. Joe and Brian, my name is Tink, and I'm your oddball Stepson that you forgot locked in the basement. Oh, fuck! We're in the basement. Where is he? Is he in the basement? There's a basement below us.

That's called a dungeon. Oh, yeah. So he's in the dungeon. Tink's in the dungeon. It's probably through that little spot there. We had to, I mean, you had to keep Tink McGurthy under control. Yeah, dude. Tink McGurthy does not belong in public.

In the normal basement. Yeah. He's in the basement's basement. Right. I'm a huge fan of the show. A while back, I believe it was Joe made a joke that went something like, if you don't know what either one of these things are, waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds pretty sick.

Mmm. Yeah? Waterboarding sounds like a summer, like an activity. Me and the family? Yeah. Sounds expensive. We're taking the kids waterboarding. At Guantanamo Bay?

Yeah. Oh, that's funny. I was going back, listening to old episodes, in between waiting for new episodes to drop. I started a t-shirt business when I heard the joke again, and the design for the shirt hit me in the head one drop at a time. You get it. Waterboarding. Mm-hmm.

I have all my t-shirt designs, this one included, at tpublic.com slash user slash Tinknotron. How come you ditched the McGurthy when it came to the... We don't want to get like a... That sounds like a size of shirt, too. I'll take the McGurthy. I mean, XL, XXL, Tink McGurthy. That's the special size. That's the condom.

That's a condom scale. Slim fit, regular, magnum, Tink and Girthy. Brian, if you're reading this, it's pronounced Tink Notron. I luckily nailed that because that would have been bad if I didn't. Sure, it's not Neutron? It says Notron. Okay. It's mostly irrelevant and snarky t-shirts for people with a dark sense of humor like us.

At least I could do is send you guys some free shirts for the inspiration of design. I'm a podcaster too, so in many ways I look up to you guys as inspiration and folks that paved the path that I'm attempting to walk on. Hugs and tugs, Tink McGathey, host of the WQF Bomb Podcast. W-2-B

News. Such a funny design. Thanks, Tink. I have not seen this. You've hidden this from me. I'm going to hold it up. Waterboarding champion, 2002, Guantanamo Bay. That is exactly what you would think. You're going waterboarding.

Yeah. Yeah. I could see that. That's like one of those, like a surf shop. You go in there and they have all the funny tees. That would be right on the wall. Tink, you fucking nailed it, dude. Well done. Well done, Tink.

Well done, Tinky boy. I want to go to Pornhub right now and look for Tink McCarthy. If that's not, I would be shocked. Sure, you shocked. Or whatever. Shocker. Not a good joke. Oh, yeah. Alright, let's do it. Let's go. Zach, fuck yeah. Two in the pink.

Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. And one in the 30s. Oh, yeah. All right, let's do it. Let's go. Zach, fuck yeah. Two in the pink. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. And one in a stank. All right. That's called a shotgun. This one was sent in by a handful of our kids. Okay. And I believe I'm having like a faint memory that this was pulled from the internet.

So another show. The internet. Another show. Threesome sex. What is internet? What is internet? WWW. Another show was talking about it,

and they're like, dude, this is something we've got to bring on the show. So that's what we're doing. Because it fits exactly in. And we haven't talked about this particular mascot for quite some time. Are you ready? Yeah.

Would you rather have to teach a silverback gorilla how to jerk off or have to teach a silverback gorilla how to jerk you off? I can't imagine them being too gentle. No. No. I mean, I love silverbacks as much as the next guy. But just not tugging on my... Are they gentle with the bananas when they're eating them?

Do you remember Congo? Right. Do I? Amy, good gorilla. Amy was very good. She was. If it's Amy doing it... Fuck yeah, she's...

I don't know. Okay, well, not just jerking off. I think you should... the finger action, too. Like, it could be a girl gorilla. Oh, sure. Like Amy. Yeah, I mean, if you have the other parts, it's the other way around, you know? I think if you're a girl, you have to either.

She jams a banana. You got to either, like, finger blast a center back gorilla. Or you have to teach one how to finger blast you. Or banana blast banana blast that sounds like a good smoothie a free game that i could find in the app store right now top 10 and like and a smoothie at a smoothie shop i'll take a banana blast in a raspberry rampage raspberry rim job yeah oh i get a banana blast and a raspberry rim job? I'm going to write that down. To go? Yeah, they're all to go.

Put that in my... We don't dare serve a raspberry rim job right here in Jamba Juice. It's very... Everything we serve is to go. We don't do anything... No, it's a legal thing. Legal thing. We can't keep anything in the house.

It's got to go. Silverback gorilla. Gosh, they're scary. They're fucking terrifying. They are. And thinking about one having a hole to your dong. No.

It just takes a few pounds of force. Just nothing. Like, to them, they could just, like, they could be doing a great job. Do they know their own strengths? Like, when it comes, like, when they're fighting over a mate, you know, or something like that, you get two silverbacks going at each other. That's why they're fighting though. They know that they're strong.

You see a head of kitty though. The kitty isn't crushed. So maybe. I'm sure there's been plenty of kitty sized things trying to crush my silverback gorilla. I can't picture like a little silverback just being like You know like one finger like What do you do? Who's a good kitty cat? It's more like

I wonder what this thing looks like Inside This is a cute turtle What's it look like without its shell? And just pistachios it Yeah And then like frisbees the shell over to his other

at their friend takes one bite off the turtle shoves it in its butt and throws it in the creek. Like that's what a silverback gorilla Right in front of the audience. What? Oh, I was going to say right in front of the audience. Have you seen the commercials or not commercials, but the videos of people at the zoo in the glass and they'll put their

child right up against the glass and they'll put their child right up against the glass, and they'll charge it and try and smash the glass. It's like, oh, those are not docile at all. Get it out! I've also seen one where the mommy went and got her baby and came back to the glass. Threw it at the glass? Yeah, slammed it.

No, they actually went over there and held it and was like, see, I have one too. And the mom mom the human mom and the showed off their babies amy good gorilla and then dad showed up and fucking killed him and then put on a show is it silverback gorillas that's like smash other babies i know there's like a part of the gorilla or monkey family that will just kill babies let's assume yes okay i would yeah it's just stopping competition yeah or whatever yeah well i mean it's all every life is a competition right

i don't even know why this thought just crossed my mind i don't even know if it's funny but picturing like the best athlete in a particular sport like they're in their prime and they just go around and kick the shit out of all the rookies like trying to protect their like their dominance and it's just acceptable like Michael Jordan's just sneaking in locker rooms

and fucking like slitting throats killing people and everyone's like that's just how it goes I can see Shaq doing that Shaq's

like you're gonna fuck with Shaq Shaq looks like a silverback and sneaks in there and just giant huge huge man and sneaks in the locker room, just giant. Huge. Huge man.

And sneaks in the locker room and kills Yao Ming, or whatever his name was. And just fucking cuts his legs off. Not in my territory! And he goes to Mutombo. Oh, no, he kills Mutombo, too. Yeah, and then he does that. No, no, no. And you're like, okay.

Oh, rest in peace, Hikambe. Oh, yeah. What would be the, like, how would you work your way up? If you chose that you're teaching a silverback gorilla, which you have to keep in account, at least there's a chance you're going to come. If it goes well, you're going to come. The other way around, you're not even coming. You're dying.

Okay. So, but what's the, like, the regimen? How do you build up to teaching a silverback How to stroke it? You start with bananas A little foreplay No, I think what you do is You just jerk off in front of him

Maybe through the glass And then you're like, you do it You guys watch each other jerk off It's like, what's that thing When you The online Horn It's like, what's that thing that when you, the online, the. Horn. No, it's like you get online and there's someone on the camera.

It's like roulette, chat roulette or something like that. But it's like jerk roulette through the glass. Oh, meagle. Where you do it and then he does it. And you're like, see, that's fun. See monkey, see monkey do. That's right. And then maybe you, maybe the next time you do that a few times just to get a good idea.

Zoom the camera in closer and closer. And if they do well, you have to reward. Like you have to give like food. The reward is sperm coming out of your penis. I'm not sure if that's going to work with a silverback gorilla. So he's putting his hand out for food and you're like, and he's coming and he's like, he just throws it. He claps his hands together It's so sticky

Spinning in a circle, rips your arms off Yeah Well that's what I I guess that's what I visualize Let's say the other way around, you jerk him off And he He comes and he's just like and then he goes into like a primal rage and just starts murdering you like that pre-knock clarity

though that's got to trickle down to silver it could i guess where you just want to relax and take a nap one way to find out good night good night silverback gorilla well yeah you like i was gonna say like like run as fast as you fucking can out of there you you don't want to wake up on that yeah what's the situation are you approaching a silverback in the wild or is it in captivity because that really just changes everything let's assume it's captivity so it's a rat used to somewhat being around humans you're not just cruising out in the jungle. No, yeah. Hey, hey, nope.

Just want to touch your dick. Yeah. Just want to touch your dick. You walk up there like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And you're in a gorilla outfit. That might be even worse. Yeah, maybe. Well, I mean, just be a hot, sexy female silverback.

That, again, might be worse. I mean, someone's going to come. Yeah. Because you're about to get Fucked Hell yeah Cause they hold the chicks down The women gorillas If you reach back there and jerk them off while they're fucking your ass

Does that count? Yeah Or you reach around and finger his butt If you wanna die One of those, is it a baboon? That's got the blue butt? Rainbow butt. Yeah, sure.

I don't know, maybe we'll throw him into the mix. I just have everybody start fucking butts. Yeah. And I'm getting out of here. I mean, we're one of the five major apes. Let's just get all the major apes in there. Get the top five in there and just fuck each other. Yeah, like a big ol' orgy. Now you're speaking my language. Yeah, an ape orgy. apes let's just get all the the major apes in there five in there yeah each other yeah

like a big old orgy now you're speaking my language yeah an ape orgy i like how do you teach yeah teaching them how to jerk off i mean they have to know how but you have you're trying to show them how but they they everything that they do is yeah it's like no dude enjoy it like slow down no one's slow down yeah no one's home. Get your tootsies out. Just me and you, baby. This is what's called lotion. This is called lotion. Never dry fire. They're always aware.

They gotta be aware. No, dude, you're in captivity. It's fine. No one's gonna sneak up on you. It's just you and me. Just get your dick out. Do you think they have big penises? I feel like they don't probably not there was a video i just saw i guess i've seen it a few times with a woman standing on the glass and the guy he walks up he's like he's like jerking off into the he's just fling it's not stroking it he's just like going was laughing around yeah right in front of the chick. Yeah. So, not a silverback, but I've seen a video of a monkey jerking off onto a windshield

and eating all the cum. Yeah. On a safari. So, enjoy that. God, what a sight that would have been. What's he doing, mommy? I don't know. I saw you doing that last night.

I've never seen your dad do anything like that before. He might, the women might start getting a little bit jealous. Yeah. Like, wish I had a man that last night. I've never seen your dad do anything like that before. The women might start getting a little bit jealous. Like, I wish I had a man that took charge like that. Teach a silverback. I mean, just because I have a chance to come, I'm going to, like a challenge, I'm going to try and teach a silverback gorilla how to jerk me off. Listen, if I lose my dick, whatever. Life just got a lot simpler You're going to lose your dick-nity

You're going to lose I don't know, the idea of like Doing something for somebody else Kind of sounds nice too Seems so easy to show a gorilla how to jerk off I mean, that's got to be the You show them how to jerk off You're showing them how to jerk off

Teach a silverback gorilla how to jerk off. Oh, I thought I had to jerk him off. Sure. But that might be part of the process. But you can start just between the glass and you're jerking off and be like, you get your dick out. And if they don't get it and they're like, and then snap a tree in half. Yeah. And you're like, oh, shit.

Not going in there. No, you have to. Eventually, you're like, no, no, no. And you have to do that slow approach to a silverback gorilla while you have your dick out. And you're like, no, no, no. See? See? Slow. Creeping through the concrete fake river.

Like running away and like smash the shit. I think there has to be, It's got to be in a zoo and there's families walking around too. Okay. That makes it more entertaining. What's daddy doing? He's going to show that gorilla how to jerk off.

Come here. He'll show you soon enough. He'll show you soon enough. He's just not old enough yet. That's right. This gorilla is in his 40s. He has no idea how to stroke a dick. Yeah. Which is embarrassing. He can fling it around

and he can toss poop, but he doesn't know how to pleasure himself. No, I think I would just jerk off in front of a gorilla long enough until they fucking did it too. I think that's the way to go. Which is pretty cool. I misunderstood. I thought I had to jerk him off. Yeah. I mean, it might reach that point where he doesn't know what to do and you have to show him how to do it.

Yeah. Because you could just sit in front of the glass. Again, let's go back to the zoo. Dude. So you're sitting there with your family, everyone, and you have to teach this gorilla how to jerk off. So you're doing that in front of everyone. Right. And then all the families are just watching you do that.

Somebody's going to enjoy it. There's going to be a couple dads that are like, that's brave. This guy deserves a medal. They join in. Is there anything more humiliating? I am. You know how the Spartacus, all the dads get their dicks out.

They all pull their pants down. They start jerking off. The next guy goes, steps up. Sits right next to you on a bench. The dramatic music of everyone joining in. He sits down next to the bench. I will do it too. And there's like 10 dads. 10 dads jerking you on a bench. Right. The dramatic music of everyone joining in. He sits down next to the bench. I will do it too.

And there's like 10 dads. 10 dads jerking off on a bench. It says like in memory of zookeeper David Asperger. Yeah. Who loved gorillas. Just 10 dads jerking off on that bench. That's what it is. The gorilla is not getting it.

So another dad joins in. And the gorilla's still not getting it. And then ten dads join in, and they start jerking each other off. So they're jerking the next dick over to the right. Skid-pulling? Yeah. So then the gorilla gets it, and that's where the triumphant... And everyone stands up. Everyone starts clapping as they watch a gorilla jerk off with ten dads coming on each other.

Best zoo trip ever. Oh my god. Just ten dads jizzing all over the glass. And then the gorilla. And then you just write good job backwards on the glass. Just a heart. And then touch the glass. He touched the glass.

Your hands are all sticky. And then you pull up your pants and you go see the hippopotamus. Go check out the big baby penguin that everyone's talking about. Yeah, the panda display. All right, I'm teaching a girl to jerk off. Yeah, same. Zach? Yeah, I'm teaching.

Let's move off. What are you thinking about? Roll it! Hey. Hey, what's up, off. What are you thinking about? Roll it! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Ah, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? This happened last week. Mm. And I've never worked in customer service. And I understand that you're going to get a ton of, in this particular situation, phone calls from people that are annoying, that are assholes,

that don't understand the process. They call 5,000 times that the planes are too loud. Just, yeah, 5,000. Whatever it was, 25,000. Yeah, almost 21,000 times. I didn't give him enough credit. too loud just yeah five thousand whatever it was twenty five twenty yeah almost twenty one thousand times i uh yeah i didn't give him enough credit he's he's i mean he's put his life this is life's work you can't do that um but this particular situation and i led with it which made it even a little more infuriating to me uh for whatever reason and nobody knows how it happened and i know that because over the last

two decades i've had to deal with this many times and nobody knows how it happened my brother and i share a credit report that's so weird yes how is that even possible you tell me that's like sharing a fucking why i called you social security card i know i know number and you can dispute stuff on it like every now and again like i guess something can pop in there and that has happened on uh our credit report we're like somebody's popped in my life that's not it all right but for no one knows how it happened but we share one so every major purchase that you have to get like a bank approval for whether it's houses cars uh loans whatever the hell it is you have to like deal with this fucking shit because they look it up and they're like oh no

no i know everything looks great i thought you said your name was Joseph. Oh, shit. You're like, here we go. Here we go. And you have to get on the phone with the credit report place and the bank and then go back and forth. I wish it was as easy to be like, everything that's down there in Texas, no. Everything up here, yes. And then just fucking divide it. And they all say, okay, let's get this sorted out. It should never happen again.

And then the next time. Until the next time you need to buy something. It just fucking divide it. And they all say, okay, let's get this sorted out. It should never happen again. And then the next time. Until the next time you need to buy something. It just never gets fixed. And it never has, no matter what promises heaven made to me. So this last time. So my buddy and I have started like a marketing agency. Like an advertising agency. So to go through all the bank process, you have to go through the credit shit.

And I totally forgot when we were firing it up because it's been a bit, you know, it's probably been three, four years since I've had to fucking do this. And so they're going through and they call and they're like, no, just a quick question. Did you buy a house? And I'm like, ah, and they're like, I was like, I know what's going on. And then, you know, the bank does the same thing that the credit report place does. They're like, I've just never heard of them. Like, I know, I know, I know what's going on. And then, you know, the bank does the same thing that the credit report place does. They're like, I've just never heard of them. Like, I know, I know, I know what to do.

So in this particular situation, I have to call Experian, who I don't think I've ever had a call before. I don't know. Whatever. It doesn't matter. You have no experience with Experian. So I call him and the lady picks up and I have, you know, go to the dispute area. First of all, I got a little sample clip of the whole music. This is the best I could get, but just so moving forward, you know what I got here.

So that one. It is catchy. Bruce Hornsby. Huh? Bruce Hornsby. Bruce Hornsby. Yeah. Listen to the mandolin ring. It was that one. I mean, I've heard it.

They got it. Apparently Experian uses it too. So I call and the lady answers. She's not into it, which I get. You work at a credit report place i'm confirming this stuff up she goes okay so you have a dispute and i was like yes and i was like well before i get into it and so i go into explaining what i just explained it's gonna sound it's gonna sound weird but my brother and i share a credit report and i you

know laid out she goes it's just some kind of joke and she goes she goes i can't happen and i'm like okay well i did i'm like well we just go ahead and let's move on to the next step she goes okay which one are you looking to dispute i was like i don't know there's like 19 of them on there and she goes okay well usually when people call here's how it works you have your disputes ready and then you tell me which ones they are and i'm like i don't this is an anomaly but i just said what i said so that i don't read 19 fucking disputes to you over and over and over again for the next fucking hour and 45 minutes i was like i'm just gonna look at i was like you have my credit report but she goes yeah i got her here and i was like everything

that says this name and not joe paisley is not me and she goes okay okay so you're not and then you know says my brother yes and you didn't do this he goes goes, hmm, that's weird. Nah, this shouldn't be happening. I agree. I'm like, I know. But I'm not being mean. I'm like, I know, I know. And she goes, have you tried to clear this up before? After like just went through everything and said, I've been dealing with this for two decades?

No, this is the first time I decided to take care of it. I was like, oh, man. What? You seem like the person that could take care of this, and I figured I'd bring it up to you for the first time. It's like going through, going through, and she goes, by the third or fourth one, she goes, this is just, she goes, this is too much.

She goes, I'm going to have to get back to you on this one, blah, blah, blah. And then puts this on. Ready? Someone had to make that. And it goes on and on. And let me tell you, I don't know if I was just getting bounced around. I don't know how the hold music situation works but that

song reset in like it was glitching it would it would go for like two minutes and it'd be like and it would just kept resetting and skipping and i was just had on speaker and working on other shit and then it just went dead silent and i was like ah fuck like it felt like maybe it played the whole song i don't remember hearing like the big ending they looped it like 20 times and then it ended yeah and it just ended and i was like god damn it but the like the counter was still going up so i was like all right well i mean i'm still i'm in the ethos like i'm still with experience

and then after like five or six minutes and this is probably like it's around at the 35 40 minute like phone call at this point i've been on hold for 20 something and it goes dead and then it comes back and it goes but you did it and then it goes like for probably three or four seconds like it's had like that like the oh no and i was like god damn it so she So, assuming I just got bounced around, like, have you heard of this? No. Do you know anybody who has? I don't know, maybe Deb. Alright. Deb's on vacation. Fuck, anybody else? I don't know.

Have you tried Stacey? She might know about it. Stacey was fired. On my end, I just keep going do-do-do-do-do-do-do like, over and over again, as they bounce me around and then finally she just went fuck this i'm not doing this on a fucking tuesday yeah and he just went bam fuck it like what's the worst that's gonna happen if i just go

hang up just hung up and uh actually it was last uh fuck was it wednesday it was wednesday because i talked about it with you guys last week and i was like we could do this for the what are you thinking about but we had something else i couldn't call them back because it was running into i was like well i don't have another fucking 40 minutes to deal with this so i said to not do it and i had to do it uh after we recorded but it just kept going and then i called back oh this was the best is it does the like you know in the and then it pauses goes your call is very important yeah yeah in a couple times they hang on the line and a couple times it was like This is how I know They were transferring me around It was like

Your call is very Your call is very important to us Please hold for the next So fuck me I called back And then the Same thing But the next time

Whoever this Experian lady was Was way more Like I explained it and she had It pulled up she got but she did still say she goes That shouldn't happen. Oh god the same thing. I was like I was like I know Let's get these things off here and I was like once and for all she goes once and for all and I was like You know weird who you get somebody's just like they're like, yeah, I got nothing else going on.

We can take care of this right now. The other chick's like, click. I don't really feel like doing this. I am out of here. You should send her a fruit basket. You should. I should. I know. Just a picture of your fruit basket. But also, I guarantee the next thing that happens in my life

a couple years or so from now, it's still going to be on there because they've all said the same thing um thank god my brother and i are both responsible and our credit score is great our credit score is great our yeah that's so weird you know what you just said about how it's going to come back around my uh after years and years and years of my mom being on my bank account because we started it way back and then i got married and we merged bank accounts all stuff and amber's like i think it's time that i get on your account and we just take your mom off and we talked about doing it for a long time we actually we couldn't do it online we tried they're on the phone so you have to go we had to drive to moses

we had to drive to moses lake uh and go into the place. We were in there for like an hour, hour and a half. Took care of everything, or so we thought. And then, I mean, I don't know, a couple months later, we get a statement from the thing. And it's just like the old statement. My mom's name's on there. Amber's not on there. Like, what the fuck? We drove to my hometown to take care of it.

We're at the bank for an hour. Everything looks good. And then right back where it was. Nothing happened. You get a letter. You're not even on your own bank account. It's just your mom. Yeah.

And you're like, guys. It was funny because I went. The gal that ended up working at the bank that we were talking to ended up being the daughter of a guy that was a really little kid went the first time i met her so it was this whole thing like oh i know your dad and i remember when you were this little she's like yeah i remember you know like she's like i'm gonna try really hard to not mess this up i mean it'd been 20 20 years since i'd seen this little girl so it was like this whole thing it was like, this whole thing,

I vividly remember going through this process because of the person that I was doing it with and all that, and then nothing changed. Messed it up on purpose just so she could see you again. Come back again, yeah. She's married with kids. Well, maybe it's not a good one, you know?

She wanted out and you were the safe. I mean, there are ways of doing that i thought you're about to say there's way better people than me yeah i mean that's there's a lot of probably not there there's a lot of banks people come in banks all the time i've come in a bank before fuck it yeah all right well let's talk about dicks you want to move into it. Yeah, hey, is it? Fuck yeah, oh god what we got so much shit over here What are you moving around lots of broken? There's a lot of we got pins and everything from you know when they sent us pins. I've got so much shit Alright, I'm gonna wait much shit. All right.

Do you want me to wait for you? Nope. Okay. So this article, I don't know why it just struck a chord with me like it did. Okay. But it, I'll tell you why here in a second. But I mean, come on. Man amputates penis with an ax after consuming psilocybin mushrooms. So magic mushrooms.

Ta-da! Magic trick, your dick's gone. That's why I'm terrified to do mushrooms. Like you're going to cut your dick off? I might. You never know. In the moment, you're like, ugh. Fuck this thing.

I could cut my dick off and everything would be fine. Well, you're going to... Rest assured. You ready? In an unprecedented case report, doctors in Austria have documented the first known instance of psilocybin-induced penile amputation. So, I mean, this guy's... Groundbreaking. Groundbreaking. Yeah. Brian's face was also there. Like this guy's groundbreaking groundbreaking yeah brian's face was also there like this guy's yeah this guy's

leading the cut your dick off while you're on mushrooms revolution someone's gotta do it he's all by himself god it's not a lot hey man the first guy through the wall is the one that gets shot you know like someone's got to go through first. I hear you. After consuming a large quantity of magic mushrooms, a 37-year-old man suffering from depression and alcohol abuse severed his penis with an axe. Fortunately, doctors were able to reattach part of the

amputated organ. The unique case is detailed in the Mega Journal of Surgery. That seems like a funny fucking name for a medical journal. You don't have to click to be in a medical journal of surgery it seems like a funny fucking name for a medical journal like you don't you don't have to click the medical journal no do you have the mega one do you have the mega journal of surgery oh yeah it sounds like dust flies off of it flip it's one of those old like elixir books looking at the table of contents he's like axe dick axe dick

axe dick okay axe dick magic mushrooms there it is page 648 Looking at the table of contents, he's like, Axe Dick, Axe Dick, Axe Dick? Okay. Axe Dick Magic Mushrooms. There it is. Page 648. No, but it's just like a click-baity title for a surgery journal. Yeah. Something I'd see on the National Enquirer. So psilocybin is a natural occurring psychedelic compound found in certain species of mushrooms,

often referred to as magic mushrooms. When ingested, I'm going to skip this. Today, psilocybin is gaining attention in medical research due to its potential therapeutic benefits. Scientists are investigating its use in treating conditions like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. And it's doing a good job. In particular, studies have shown promising results for psilocybin's ability to alleviate symptoms in people with major depressive disorders, even when other treatments have failed. And it has done good. So we're going to move on to what happened with this guy cutting his dick off. Okay.

So first of all. The fun part. What went wrong? This is where it gets good. Okay. So remember, struggling with depression alcoholic alcohol abuse and then doctors were fucking pumped to reattach his penis yeah i mean if you i guess if you hadn't done a surgery like that before you're like okay an acl surgery or a john wayne bobbitt yeah it's a i mean it's a tale

a tale of two different like of professions tales. As dick. Tail as long as dick. That's what my dad used to say. And just the professional side of it. This guy cut his dick off while on mushrooms. And then doctor is fucking rejoicing. Okay. So like two different ballpark things. They're like, dude, I've always wanted to put a dick back where it's supposed to be.

What? The dude cut his dick off? I'll do it. Who wants to put it back on? I'll try. Today was supposed to be my day off. I'm coming in. I've always I'll do it. Who wants to put it back on? I'll try. Today was supposed to be my day off. I'm coming in. I've always wanted to do this.

So along with consuming the mushrooms, the man began to experience a terrifying hallucination or delusion which led him to take an axe. First of all, an axe? It's going kind of far. I guess if you're going to do it, make it quick. It's got to be sharp

though. I know, but I but a knife and fucking axe? Well, I don't... If I'm going to cut my dick off, I don't want to slice it off. I want to go... You know, like, if you're... When guys get your heads cut off, like, executed, would you want the dude...

Yeah, like a two-man saw? Yeah, just going... Yeah, yeah, two guys on the end. Yeah, yeah, fucking quick. Okay, Ned, start that shit. So the man reportedly tied a piece of cloth around his genital area to control the bleeding and placed the severed parts of his penis in a jar filled with snow. I mean, he thought of that, at least.

He at least had some forethought. And then he left the house, bleeding profususely in search for help. A passerby found him Lucky person. Oh, fuck. Heading back to my birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. So the guy, the doctors are all about this. The guy heading back from Chuck

E. Cheese heading home. Yeah. He's like, this is the last thing he wants to deal with. Good job tonight. Did you have fun at your birthday party? Oh, fuck! Where's your dick? Where's your dick? Where's your dick? In a jar of snow! I'll show you where!

Follow me! Are you on drugs? What do you think? He's holding an axe and a cloth over a bloody dick with a... His dick in a jar of snow. Oh, man. I mean, it has men written... Was he trying to preserve the dick? so he had he was like whoops

god damn it i needed that he's jane what city was this in does it say it's in austria so a passerby found him in a confused state and called for emergency services the man was transported to a nearby village and later to a hospital arriving approximately five hours after the amputation upon arrival the patient was in critical condition, having lost a significant amount of blood. He was immediately taken into surgery, where doctors worked to stabilize him and control the bleeding. His penis was contaminated with soil and snow. He's got, like, gravel in it. Gravel in his pee hole?

Yeah. He's got, like, a wood chip. At least if it's not attached when they get it out or would that suck they attach it first and then get all this stuff out so he feels it all make him he's like listen we tried to get the sand out of your dick hole you're gonna have to piss this out parts of the organ were severely damaged okay so surgeons were able to save the glands, the tip of the penis, and about two centimeters of his penile shaft. If he was sad before, having a two centimeter mangled dick.

Can it even get hard anymore? I'll tell you. Oh, there's more. But the other sections were too damaged to be repaired. Remarkably, the replantation was successful. Was it? Despite the significant challenges posed by the extent of the injury and contamination. Despite initial difficulties, the patient's condition improved after the surgery,

although he continued to suffer from severe psychotic symptoms, including auditory hallucinations and religious delusions. Are they specific on the religious hallucinations no what religion is that i am the dick god there can be there i mean maybe there's some uh foreskin you know the circumcision things going on there overshot that a little bit the The guy's Jewish or something. Right. I bet Jewish you didn't do that. You know what I mean? Yeah, I get it.

Get it? Jewish. I bet Jewish you didn't do that. In the weeks following the surgery, the patient experienced some complications. Superficial necrosis, death of skin tissue developed on the glands of his penis, likely due to the loss of blood flow during the period of ischemia,

but this sealed over time. Remarkably, the patient was able to regain some erectile function after three months of the surgery, though the overall length of his penis was significantly reduced due to the damage. Like this thing, backfire! Like this thing, backfire! Like, where the doctors are like,

go ahead, get it hard. It is. And they're like, we did it. And they high-five each other. Add to the list of successes! And the guy's like, dude, I have a fucking acorn glued to my belly you did this to yourself gosh man at his last follow-up visit he was able to urinate normally while

seated like the the doctors are so pumped this guy he's gonna cut this off he's like this isn't worth it and he's not gonna use a rag and he's going to die he's gonna use an axe again well you probably can't you don't have enough dick to cut off shaving your belly hair while trying to cut your dick off already trimmed off the dick root oh man so the urethral opening is located further down the shaft than normal i just thought it was wild that the uh mega journal of surgery was just being like dude we

this is a huge step in the right direction right erection and then this guy's just like fuck me I mean the doctors they did the best they could with what they had right

but where's the dick farmer that's what we need we's the dick farmer? That's what we need. Yeah. We need the dick farmer to show up. I mean, they grew a dick on that guy's forearm. They did. Why can't they grow this guy's... Grow a dick on a dick.

See? He had better insurance. Imagine... He didn't have Blue Cross. Imagine the erectile dysfunction commercial for something like that. Did you chop your dick off with an axe? You know, that guy's always throwing a football or throwing a frisbee with his dog. Having a picnic.

What would the commercial be like for this guy? I don't know. So you chopped your dick off. Have you ever chopped your dick off with an axe and they just say his name? The commercial is for him? Have you ever been in a state of mushroom hallucinization and you've chopped your dick off and immediately regretted that then ran out on the road and then then the doctors reattached it and it's tiny and two

centimeters john smith has this ever happened to you you're like holy shit that's exactly what happened down to every detail and then they were pumped when you got an erection but it wasn't really an erection and then they were also excited when you sat down to pee because they messed up and you're not peeing out of the bottom of your dick because you can only pee when you're sitting down and you can't satisfy me with your micro penis and you also have methyl celioma or whatever it is mesothelioma asbestos? Yeah. Well, maybe there was asbestos on the axe or something. Yeah, the last thing he renovated was his attic. He's laying fucking insulation.

He's got mesothelioma in his penis. Oh, man. He may be entitled. He might be entitled to $15. Anyway, all right, let's move on to the next article. That's fun. I know, that poor guy. But I guess, you know, we all make decisions.

Yeah. I mean, you have to be so high to chop your dick off with an axe. Just go to bed. Just go to bed. That's what my daddy used to say. You want to read this? Instead of chopping your dick off with an axe, just go to bed. Just go to bed.

Just go to bed. You want to read this, fella? Sure. Fuck yeah. Passengers have new fear unlocked after plane flies for nine hours but lands back at the same airport it's a god they're like uh it's uh i visualize like the you you check the the map thing whatever it's like 20 minutes left in the flight they're like fuck that was the longest flight ever, dude.

Go to the bathroom, change out of your shoes, into your sandals. Yeah, you're ready for your Bahamas or whatever. Yeah, put on your Hawaiian shirt. Put your back in Russia. Fuck! Passengers on board a recent American Airlines flight have admitted they have a new fear unlocked after an American Air... Just same thing. American Airlines plane they had sat on for nine hours

landed at the same airport it took off from. We've heard of many nightmares travel stories over recent months, including the horror shows on cruise ships. Who hasn't? A recent event certainly ranks high among the worst travel stories

as it saw passengers fly out of Dallas for five hours before returning back. The American Airlines flight turned around. Mm-hmm. What? Kevin Carter Getty images. Oh. Passengers on the American Airlines flight from the Texas city to Incheon International Airport in Seoul. Seoul?

Seoul. Seoul, but it's spelled Seoul. Seoul, Korea. On September 7th, we're in the air for nine hours in total just to return to the airport the plane took off from. That would be so annoying. Isn't that so? You're the pilot and you know what's happening.

You're like, we've got to go back. We can't tell anybody. Yeah. He's like, well, you've got to say something. He gets on the intercom and gets really quiet. He's like, we're gonna go back to Dallas. What was that? Why didn't you tell us?

I did. I made the announcement. Check the black box. It's right on there. We're gonna go back to Dallas. But you get away with it because everyone knows you can't understand a fucking pilot. All right. Jim and Lee, who was on board the American Airlines flight, took her smartphone out to record the commotion. The passengers posted the clip to Instagram, which sees Lee enjoying a snack and a soft drink as the plane turns around.

Your flight to Korea may go five hours and come back with zero explanation, Lee explained in the caption. The passenger went on to say the airline staff said there was a problem with the toilets while the pilot reportedly asked if someone was carrying a screwdriver to help fix the issue. Is there a doctor in the house? No. Anybody there a doctor in the house? No. Anybody got a screwdriver? As you got to speaking, we're going to have to unfortunately turn on the seatbelt sign again.

Because we have some turbulence coming up. Also, does anyone have a screwdriver? One of you fucked up the toilet real good. Yeah. I got a screwdriver. Not that kind of screwdriver. I got a screwdriver, sir. Okay.

Can I have another one? Bahamas, here we go. Bahama, Bahama. Bahama, Bahama. Oh, yeah. They're going to Korea. Everyone has a screwdriver. Your mom's a screwdriver. Yeah, got him.

Good one. We're going back to Dallas. So whenever you get on a flight to Vegas, they always have an extra fun crew. Dude. I mean, I mentioned it before before but the flight to vegas the fun flight out of vegas not the worst yeah there's not a bigger polar opposite airplane experience besides a flight to vegas and one coming out optimism versus pessimism just internal happiness and hope and and then sadness shame and hungover. Yeah. I lost my house.

I cheated on my family. Mm-hmm. And I've got some sort of STD. I got to go home and explain all this to my wife. Yeah, just fly to a different city at that point. Fly to Seoul. Just don't leave. You'll end up back in Vegas.

All right. The flight path showed how the aircraft had traveled across the U.S. before heading over parts of the Pacific Ocean when it was forced to head back. Increasingly frustrated by the lack of clarity by American Airlines, Lee divided in some flaming hot Cheetos. Though she required a rum young and a strong drink. Probably a screwdriver. Probably.

The ViroVito then cut to landing in Dallas with the pilot confirming there were clear skies for landing. He's like, the weather in Dallas is balmy. It's perfect. Like, what? Why do we care about that? I need to go home. Why do we care about what it was where we were? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. How do you explain that? You don't. Just the pilot doing his job. Should-hmm. Yeah. How do you explain that? You don't. Just the pilot doing his job. Should be a smooth landing. Why do they always tell us what the temperature is? Right back here in Dallas. Like, if I'm traveling to Seoul, I'm going to pull my weather and be like, wow, what's the weather supposed to be like this week?

Mm-hmm. And the captain's like, ah. Local time is 429, Like we all have phones. Yeah. We know exactly what time it is. We're just waiting to turn off airplane mode. And so we know exactly what time it is. You don't have to tell us.

I could have told you what the temperature is, bitch. Um, it's just a bunch of stuff about her documenting the trip. Yeah. Like just the, the lack of of communication like the flight attendants wouldn't they didn't have an answer yeah i mean they did they had to go back to dallas and then they were able to get back on another flight and take off i guess once they got a fucking screwdriver but after you've done nine hours like nine nine hours on an airplane like it's so long i've only ever been turned around one time and luckily for me it was a

flight from spokane to boise and we were like we were 20 minutes away from landing in boise and i had they turned us around and flew us back to spokane and we like because the power went out which i didn't think was fucking possible so the runway was dead in boise and in my head i'm like i'm like dude they're gonna fix it they have to i was like just keep going and they're like like you know they have to follow their faa regulations so once they turned around they that was it so as soon as they turned around and we're like 10 minutes into our flight they got the power back on but they had to continue and go back they couldn't just go flip it around do it yeah flip yeah dude

or in the movies when they're always like in the middle of the street and just fish tail it around so they went back and landed us in spokane and then immediately took back off and how long is that flight hour hour and 10 minutes okay because we're doing that yeah not bad um so it wasn't nine fucking hours fuck that what's the longest flight you've ever been on i don't know i mean i've been from here spokane to daytona beach but there was a stop like in kansas or something so four hours four and a half well i guess a flight to hawaii that's a five-hour flight isn't it something like that nothing over nothing our flight to new york i think it was i want to say five or six hours i flew to i mean we have a lot of big airports over your seat they get broken up so i couldn't imagine doing nine hours non-stop turn back around and then have to

do it again that's awful no fuck that i think i would cancel my i live in dallas now yeah this is my home i I love Texas. Oh, yeah. I guess I didn't think about people that were connecting in Dallas and still going on. I just assumed everyone was from Dallas going to South Korea. Yeah. That's what I was thinking. Like, why do I care what the temperature is? I live here, you fucking asshole.

I'm going home. All right. All right. Let's move off to lab time. Zach! Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls.

It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. Food! Sit on my lap, you little chits. You little punk bitches. Yeah. Sorry. It's okay.

I apologize. You little prick bastards. Sorry. So I got food for you guys. Okay, feed. I'm going to start with a trivia question. Oh. What is the only food that is said to never go bad?

Food? Food. Never goes bad. Never. Will last indefinitely if stored properly. Not like a part of it. So I can't say sugar. Pickles?

No. Pickles? What? Food. Oh, man. Peaches, like that jar that you guys found. Yeah. What would it be?

God damn it. I mean, I know I could. When you hear it, you're going to be like, fucking. Yeah. I know. I mean, flower realm. Like a nut? Way in closer?

Well, there's the Honey Nut Cheerios. An almond? It would be honey. No! It's honey. Honey is amazing. Honey is amazing. And that's going to start us down a weird road.

Now, you guys probably all know that honey is bee vomit, right? Yeah, and it never goes bad. Yeah, and it never goes bad. But it's actually weirder than that. Some bees are forager bees, which collect nectar from flowering plants. And the foragers drink the nectar and keep it in their little honey stomach. And when the forager bee takes the nectar back

to the hive, it regurgitates the nectar into the mouth of another bee and their honey stomach, a processor bee. Two bees, one stomach. That's right. And then that bee regurgitates it again into the hive and allows it to ripen. So double-filtered, extra-ripened bug vomit is the beauty of honey.

It's so good. It tastes good, though. It is tasty. I don't care how they do it. But if stored properly, it's one of those prepper kind of foods, for sure. What's properly? What's the temperature? Shit.

Brian, come on, buddy. Well, what's the temperature of a bee's stomach? I don't know. I don't know these questions. Come on! This is your segment! I do know that, by the way, on a side note, there are other foods that last a long time. White rice, salt, soy sauce.

Rice, yeah. Dry pasta, hard liquor. You trying to tell me you weren't anticipating a question like that? No. There's a lot more to go. Okay. The bees are just the beginning. Oh, the beginning.

But I did want to say that tinned fish, like that shit that you digested before, Mr. Paisley, that is on the list of things that last a long time. Yeah. It's because they never smell bad because they start smelling bad. What was that called? Stromone. Trimperfish? Stromone.

Because they always smell bad, so they never. Yeah, that's the dumb thing I was trying to say. But so this honey thing got me thinking about our relationship with bugs and food in general. And I don't know if you guys have heard the phrase, eat the bugs. People have gotten riled up by a guy named Klaus Schwab, a guy who wears sci-fi pajamas to talk. Oh, no, my name is Klaus. Klaus. Well, he asked. Well, actually, i want to ask you

guys have you ever eaten bugs uh yes i yeah it's in mexico they had like uh what were they chocolate covered they're like uh no they weren't chocolate they're like tea it was like tahin covered um something they were pretty good actually pretty good crickets maybe i don't know i've eaten those and i've eaten a worm for a race at a landscaping job. A worm? Yeah. Delicious. We'll get to some of that. Dollar raise to eat a live worm. Well, you know in the Mariner Stadium, they have those, what, barbecued crickets or whatever

it is? We've got a couple different. You ever tried them? You never tried them or seen them? No, I just, there are other things I'd rather eat. Fair enough. It's right next to the teriyaki bowl stand. Marination, dude. That, oof, pulled pork sandwich. Your curiosity never took you all the way.

No. I've only, yeah, bugs at a fair to be fun and weird my kids out. But outside of that, just a worm for a race. Right. I gotta have a reason. I'm going to ask you more questions along these lines here in the future. But we actually, in reality, all pretty much have eaten a lot of bugs. Like, a fuckload. I would buy that, yeah yeah and the world in general is pretty down with eating bugs so we'll get to that so etymography etymophagy etymophagy

etymophagy is the technical term for eating bugs it's popular on at least three continents including the world's biggest up to two billion people have it as part of a consistent diet. What? Part of a consistent balance, like Cheerios and... Mom, can I be excused? Have you eaten your crickets? Yeah. I mean, yeah. There are kids and wherever, they're starving and would love...

Love to eat your crickets. Yeah. I worked hard for those crickets. That's basically it. But would you, can you imagine yourself seeking out a bug steak or a bug burrito on purpose? I mean, no. If you have other options, would you ever choose the bug? I will say this.

If I had one and it was really good, then probably. But just not knowing what it tastes like, that doesn't sound appealing. And my brain is like, there's got to be something else that tastes better and gives me the same benefits than bugs that I could also put in this burrito. Well, we'll have a fun little time. Is there any bug that you might think of, like, that might be the tastiest bug, just off the top of your heads? What's the tastiest

bug to you guys? A bee? Is there like a meaty caterpillar? There is. Fuck yeah. There definitely is. Ooh, I don't know about the texture of a caterpillar. Have you tried it? No, that's why I said I don't know about the texture of a caterpillar. Have you tried it? No, that's why I said I don't know about it. No, what if it's just like a nice little chicken thing? Well, you can barbecue it.

Like a gummy worm? Deep fry it. Ooh, gelatin style. Okay. Poison ones, plump your lips up? Well, for a few minutes, I'm going to steel man eating bugs, okay? Okay. All right.

So, ocean bugs are already popular food in the West. Crabs, lobsters, and prawns. Shellfish actually was once looked down upon as bottom feeders reserved for the peons, and now it's a popular food that's expensive. So we're okay eating bugs there. Marketing. Are you sold on them yet? No?

I mean, would you eat your fucking crab pubes? Pube crabs? No. Same thing. I mean, high in protein probably. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? Yeah, why wouldn't you? No. Same thing. I mean, high in protein probably. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? Yeah, why wouldn't you?

If you're hungry. Because the idea that they're a nasty thing. Like basically an STD almost. Yeah. So what if I told you that insects are indeed rich in protein, low in carbs. They contain tons of minerals like iron, zinc, calcium, magnesium. And there's all sorts of studies that say that they're better than plant protein sources and in some cases comparable to meat.

Does that sell you on it? Again, I'm not against it. I just would have to be in the right form where it wasn't like a, I don't know. There's something about like taking a grasshopper and like biting into a grasshopper and be like, just the idea of it sounds terrible, but I'm not against it. It's the taste. You put enough Johnnies on anything. True.

It's going to be good. Dip it in some barbecue sauce. Sweet baby rays. A little Worcestershire. That's right. From what I could find, these are some of the more popular of the tasty ones if you want to try it. Okay. And these aren't popular because of popularity.

They're just the tastiest. So crickets can be made into a flour. Fuck yeah. Mule worms are kind of like shrimp where you can dry them, boil them, roast them, pan fry, deep fry, boil, steam, all that shit. So termites are like one of the most healthy bugs of all, 100 times the minerals of other bugs. So if you see a termite, it's like, I need that real quick. What? Is it because of what they eat? It is. Partly and then what they're

comprised of, yeah. And how they process what they eat? Yeah, I mean, I don't know all the science as to why they're good for you, but they're definitely made of not just the poop they eat. Is this a list from like five up? So cricket to mealworm to termite? These are in no particular order, but these are the top five that people around the world tend to say are the tastiest. Remember Temple of Doom, dude? They ate all sorts of weird shit. Yes, they did.

Frozen monkey brains. Is that hot? Yeah, fuck, dude. They know what they're doing. Here's an interesting one. Both grasshoppers and cicadas taste like seafood. And cicadas, in particular, taste like shrimp. These are all cooked, though.

Really? Right? Yeah. Okay. So not raw. Well, there's no way I could go in the backyard right now and grab a grasshopper. A little grasshopper sushi, never heard a guy? It's fine.

This one kind of bugs me. I don't know if you guys want to look up any of these. Black soldier fly larva is very popular. And not just around the world. That's maggots, basically, isn't it? Yeah. So larva bites made from roasted and seasoned black soldier fly larva exists. Buying them already roasted and flavored spicy cayenne or buffalo wing sauce is another way to try an edible insect.

And this company that's kind of popular is in Oregon. So it's not too far from here. You know what? When I was saying tahini, I think the ones that I had were maybe cayenne covered, whatever they were. Crickets or something. Ooh. See that? Appetizing. I've watched Naked Afraid

and stuff like that when they're like you know, they're kind of gnawing on it and it just, I don't know. I mean, that looks good. That's kind of what I pictured when I said C that looks good. That's kind of what I pictured when I said caterpillar. Yeah.

Like that has a little, has a feel to it. You know your food's good when it undulates in your hand. That's good stuff. I think the idea of just like bugs are kind of creepy anyway. So the idea of eating a bug is extra creepy. But if you don't think bugs are creepy, then it's probably not that big of a deal. Like, if you live in a country where you're just surrounded by bugs and stuff, it's probably not as big a deal. I mean, a lot of it is texture.

Like, think about a shrimp. A company that's, like, taking care of the legs. That's it. And got that out of the way. But, like, you go get, like, a prawn that really hasn't been processed and hasn't had the legs cut off and you take a bite and you have your little feet in your teeth i have something i have issues with things that have i like so you can go get crawdads and you can boil them up or whatever like if it's still if it looks like it did when it was alive i have problem like psychologically have a hard time eating it if it looks like it did alive a lot

of these bugs are prepared by removing wings and legs so that the creepiness does yeah might be able to get away with it then okay all right these are the most commonly eaten insects groups insects groups insect groups uh but this isn't based on taste this is just based on what people are eating uh number one is beetles but then it it's ants, bees, caterpillars, cicadas, crickets, dragonflies. That one's weird to me. Fly flies. Just grab that. Grasshoppers, leaf bugs, locusts, termites, and wasps. So 2,100 edible insects in all. Quite a plethora to choose from. Yeah, what a buffet. Yeah. So let's paint a picture. According to a person at CNN, on a morning in the not-so-distant future, you might toast bread made with cricket flour, drink a protein smoothie made with locust powder, eat scrambled eggs made extra creamy with

the fat from Mopane caterpillars with a side of mealworm bacon. He also said, I've eaten termites, scorpions, beetle larva, grasshoppers, silkworms, all very common. This guy is an entomologist named Jeff Tomberlin, who's at Texas A&M. I have had beetle larva that was incorporated into a quiche. I've had bamboo worms that were fried like french fries. I've had termites that were smoked and served as an appetizer like peanuts or like your yummy cashews, Joe. As for the taste, it's sort of a nutty popcorn flavor, he said. The buttery flavor would be the fat of the insect and the nuttiness would be the exoskeleton. That's some good exoskeleton.

That's some good eating right there. Are you sold yet? So here's the thing. A little more. You're talking about the powders and stuff like that. That's more along the line. I could get down with something like that because it's in a form that you're not really that you're not really you're not thinking about it being a little creepy little crawler it's you know it's a powder right so you'd sprinkle that on or like or if it's like cooked into something like i don't i don't love

tomatoes but if it's like if it's tomatoes are cooked into something like i don't really think about eating it that way so like same with a bug i think I would get away with it. You'd have to do the tomato thing to bugs. That's same with me. Okay. So we already do eat a lot of bugs. That's what we're getting to. The FDA allows for tons of bug parts in most of our favorite foods. According to fringe weirdo.com, you can eat an average of one to two pounds of flies, maggots, or other bugs a year without even knowing it. That's actually the scientific American. But if it's new to you, this information, don't panic. It is actually safe, it's expected, and it's not bad for you. Like, it's not these people doing a bad job.

It's literally almost impossible to keep these things out of the food supply. But if you eat chocolate, pizza, or spaghetti, you're eating lots of insects and other things. But we'll just do insects. So the U.S. Food and Drug Administration allows for 30 or more insect parts and some rodent hair. Ah, too much! In every bar of chocolate. Rodent hair? Rodent hair.

It's difficult to keep them out. Just if you think about the process of how shipping and storing and all the farming. We'll get to more of that. Listen, we did our best. Yeah, exactly. Some of these are going to be a little off-putting. Nearly two maggots in a 16-ounce can of tomatoes or pizza sauce, and up to 450 insect parts and nine rodent hairs in every 16-ounce box of spaghetti.

And again, this is not because food producers don't know what they're doing, or they're gross, or they're cutting corners. It's just impossible. So even if you're vegan when they plow the fields for your veggies lots of little bugs and animals get caught up in the combines and in the process so you're eating i mean it's very difficult a lot of vegans have to go to great steps to eat non-animals but popular things like peanut butter the 16 ounce jar of peanut butter in your pantry 136 insect parts before it's deemed contaminated. Now, these are tiny

parts, so you're not going to like, oh, look at the head. But the chocolate one... The thorax, maybe? Yeah. Just open it up and a grasshopper is like... That's a good thorax. That's a little too real. I like my thorax not in my peanut butter. That's right. Back to chocolate, just because we all like it so much.

4.4 ounce chocolate bar may have up to 74 Back to chocolate, just because we all like it so much. All those insects means all the insect poop. Mm-hmm. That's fun. And every 4.4-ounce chocolate bar may have up to 74 insects fragments, which means— What the fuck's going on in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory? Yeah. Most people, if they eat a normal amount of chocolate, eat about 6,000 pieces of bugs in their diets each year just from the chocolate. So we're already getting it. What's a normal amount of chocolate? I don't have that number here, but I did have it, and I deleted it because i didn't think joe pacey would ask me that question ask that question so how if

if bugs are so good for us then why are people so many people fat well how are already eating them because you're assimilating it with a bunch of sugar and fat and white flour uh also coffee drinkers in the average coffee consumer 140 140,000 insect fragments a year. I can't say insect, apparently. I just want to say insects. Incest. These last two are pretty nuts. Raisins.

Just one cup of raisins can have up to 35 fruit fly eggs and 10 whole insects per FDA guidelines. Not bad for us. It's just not celebrated. Mushrooms. This one's three and a half ounce can of mushrooms containing 19 maggots. And one dick. And one dick. And a little ax in case you want to cut your dick off.

Tiny little mite axes. And 74 mites. That's technically approved. You'll find this in broccoli, canned tomatoes, just most foods that are grown. So funny. You can't catch them all. It's just impossible to be a vegan almost. So here's another thing.

And this will be the end of the deal. Bugs are also the ingredients on purpose in lots of foods. Like there's a thing called shellac, a substance that covers candy and other foods as well as other products. Shellac is a resin secreted by the female lac bug on trees in the forests of India and Thailand. It's an excretion of some kind. You could call it shit or sweat or piss, but that's shellac, and it makes your candy shiny.

She's coming all over. Who figured that out? They're like, dude, this candy's not shiny enough. That guy's job I bet this Indian bug piss will do it. He's like fingering little, what was it again? Shellac. You know? I bet this Indian bug piss will do it. He's like fingering little... What was it again?

Shellac. What was the animal though? Or that bug? The lac bug. Yeah, he's just fingering lac bugs. It becomes an industry. I was just doing it for fun. It was a good time for me.

It's like jerking off a horse for mating and stuff. Whatever. Great job. Another substance just like this is called... I think it's called carmine or caramine. And it also gives candies that, like red Skittles, their ruby hue. Carmine's the guy that owns a spaghetti restaurant. Well, he also. He's in the mob.

Well, I don't trust that guy. Yeah. Well, he's also milking bugs for their little red hue poo. Carmine sounds like a Midwest town. Carmine sounds like something I put in my car. Well, you pick which one you want to call it. They're basically beetles. So these beetles, many companies have discontinued the use of these beetles because vegans found

out, and that's obviously not vegan. And also a lot of people think it's gross. And Starbucks was the first company to say, okay, we'll stop making our strawberry stuff with bug ass. We're going to jerk off some bugs in india instead now it is still found in cherry and strawberry ice cream and those flavors of yogurts also in lipstick and eyeshadow and in europe it's still in red m&ms which is probably safer than what we have which is red dye number 40 which is probably made from not bugs and yellow

five that makes mice transparent yeah i learned I learned about that. All right. Last little bug-related factoid. Figs. I love fig Newtons very much. Who doesn't? Yeah. As much as the next guy. Right. Just don't eat them in bed.

Like your mom. Now you're going to find out a little extra about them. They're made by fig wasps, which mate inside the fig, leaving it to blossom in their juices. So almost 100% you're eating some wasp jizz when you eat a fig newton not just that's what that is like like they fucked in a bed and it's just the sheets are wet and somebody came in there they're wringing that out like that's what they're doing yeah but it'd be like this though it'd be like a little tiny ring i bet this will be tasty yeah so that is good so we definitely eat the bugs in closing honey figs we can get

barbecue treats at a ball game legal amounts in our favorite foods and it's impossible impossible to remove them so don't be mad at farmers that's my main point that's good but next time a farmer next time you drink a protein shake you should be wondering if you're drinking the protein of a cricket or a mealworm or the teenager that worked there and came in it you know what's funny about that is as soon as you hear something like that you can't not think about it yeah sorry like i i once heard that i don't know how true is something about like chocolate milk like the way that chocolate milk's made from the dead cows or something i don't just dirty cows. It's, it's, they play in the mud. They,

cow eye. Whatever they were saying one time, it was like, every time, and I love chocolate milk. So every time I drink a chocolate milk, I, it's all I could think about was,

uh, like where it came from. And I don't even know if it was true at the time, but I was like, I just can't not think about that now. Yeah. Uh, last parting thought,

then we'll move on. That's what I've always said, Brian, when you talk about germs and bathrooms and stuff like that right you're like dude i was and i've just the same thing about the world i was like it's not just here it's literally everywhere no i know but when you when you can see it that's when it's when you can see it gotta you gotta get some get your brain out of there yeah like it's not crazier in here than it is oh i get. Oh, I get it.

Yeah. Yeah, I totally get that. Just not being a pussy. I just don't want to pee in the trough next to some guy hanging his dick on the trough. Eating a hamburger? And eating a hamburger at the same time. Eating a bug burger. I mean, who does?

All right, let's get some good news. Let's move on. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed Yeah! Alright, we're gonna stick on animal stuff

Or whatever This goat hopped into a Newfoundland marathon And won a medal Newfoundland Newfoundland Newfoundland Joshua the goat has become a star Says Mayor Darren Bent

Look at that picture. Who's a go-boy? Who's got a medal? Who's a good goat? God, that's so funny. Dude, he's the best of all time. He's the goat. As marathon runners made their way through winding forest pathways and residential roads

on New Funlun's east coast on Sunday, they were joined by a four-legged competitor who has since become a sensation. That was a bad idea. The town of Conception Bay South. That's a shitty fucking town name. Where are you from? Conception Bay South. Hosted its first T-Railway Trek half marathon back on Sunday.

When its 250 runners passed a local business called Taylor's Pumpkin Patch, Mayor Darren Bent said a new contestant spontaneously joined the race. God damn it, that's so cute. Like, imagine what's running next to you. So, they have a resident goat, Mr. Joshua, and when the runners went past the pumpkin patch, the goat decided,

well, I'm not just going to stay here, I'm joining in. He's like, dude, these pumpkins are fucking boring. Yeah, this is lame. Fucking this pumpkin that i'm getting out of here joshua ran alongside the runners for approximately four kilometers before his owners caught up with them said ben so they also joined the race where did josh go yeah it just made the pump don't steal any pumpkins mr joshua's fucking in the marathon and then families are like what like some kids in a bounce house you're like okay you won't do it don't fucking touch the cider i see you don't i gotta get mr joshua before he kills someone so uh we were very quickly uh we very quickly put a medal around

his neck and he became quite the star most people who actually ran the half marathon wanted their picture with joshua at the finish line this is the beauty of life this is it just embrace this fucking chaos uh he recalled the chaos yeah he recalled he was waiting at the finish line at top sail beach when news spread the goat was running alongside participants. We didn't know what quite to make of it. We had just heard that the goat was running alongside the trail. That line didn't need to be in the story.

I'm telling you, they're just trying to get that quota of words. Joshua's owner, Jeremy Taylor, who was fucking arrested. He wasn't. In prison for two years told cbc news he learned of the goat's aspiration for long distance running through social media he decided to break his collar which he had on for years and join the runners he was after going about it was after about going two kilometers he was stopped around the water station he's just hanging out he's hanging out by the water yeah just like you're like like you're just you know you're filling water shit and you're just here like

used to hearing shoes yeah you're just look up and a goat is like you're like you're like hand him a water He just takes off running again You guys just fucking see that? Am I in fucking shrooms? Joshua quickly became the highlight of the race Which sucks for whoever won it Poor bastard Broke the record

He trained the whole year Broke the previous year's record Which was set by him He's been looking forward to the Whatever the fuck the race was called again Three years in a row This is the third year running He's previous year's record, which was set by him. He's been looking forward to whatever the fuck the race was called again. Three years in a row. This is the third year running. He's going to break the record. It's a three-peat. And fucking Mr. Joshua took

it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get off the podium. Just put a goat up there. And he's like, dude, fucking hate this town. With the photos. Only come back here once a year. Once a year and it's just to kick the shit out of you fucking losers in the t railroad race with his photos being shared hundreds of times on social media taylor said hundreds of times taylor said he heard from runners who decided to keep pace with joshua

speeding up and slowing down as the goat uh and found another gear well if you're slowing down you're shifting down. Everybody is talking about it and putting a smile on a lot of faces. This is my favorite part. So, to have Joshua join the race, become a GOAT or a mascot star of the event is something we didn't expect

and we just delegated that he was the GOAT, right? So, the acronym stands for greatest of all time. So, here's that. The Joshua Celebratory... He used to. And Joshua's celebrity tour isn't over just yet. He'll be dropping the

puck at the CBS Renegades hockey game next week. They're jumping the goat over here. Oh my god. Drop it, Joshua! Slipping on the ice. White face plant. You're dropping the puck.

Get fucked. Yeah, dude. What else could we do? Not everything has to go beyond, you know. Like the mayor's meeting with the pumpkin patch owners. This is our chance. He's like, what else is he good at? He goes, he just looks at pumpkins.

He's got to be something. You think he could sing the national anthem yeah you think he'd hold a puck i don't know i'll say he just hands over he's like gives the goat a puck and he's just like you're in and usually it like it's it's uh like honorary custom that the winner of the race gets to drop the puck and that guy's in the crowd just like wearing a jersey that says fuck this goat Joshua sucks dick that's why it's not even the race that he loves it's that he wins the race

and he gets to drop the puck and he's a huge Renegades fan and he's sitting they gave him front row he's three rows back and there's a goat in the seat he's supposed to be in He's sitting, yeah. He got like, they gave him front row ice, you know, glass. He's three rows back and there's a goat in the seat he's supposed to be in? Against the glass? Putting his hose up on the glass?

Fucking eating a pumpkin the whole time? He's not even, fucking goat's not even watching the game. Get your head in the game, goat! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. fucking goats not even watching the game get your head in the game goat like yanking on the collar the owners don't even want to be there why the fuck are we here with this goat the mayor sees it as an opportunity there's a huge tall man in front of you you can't even see the fucking game

and you're peeking over his shoulder and there's a goat not even watching the game in your seat. He's like, yeah, he's stealing food from the people sitting next to him. He's like his head. He's sticking his head in the popcorn bag, eating a kid's hot dog.

No, don't hit him. He won the race. Stop hitting the goat. He's changed lives. You're sitting next to the goat. Okay. All right. Hey, look what I found. Zach, roll it.

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! And singing the national anthem this evening, honorary guest, Mr. Joshua. Can you... Or is it America or is it Canada? Canada. Remember Goat Boy from SNL?

Not much to say about this, but just an idea that I would never have and I found it fascinating. World's first underwater cemetery is off this Florida beach. I mean, why not?

I mean, fuck it. Why not be part of something weird? So the cemetery is located 40 feet underwater in Biscayne Bay. I mean, eventually we're going to run out of... Lands? Yeah, places to put people, right? Over three miles off the coast of Miami Beach.

It was a group of businessmen in the area who had the idea, said Neptune Memorial Reefs Community Research Director Michael Tabers. Tabers told News 6... Don't care! that the site had already been designated for an artificial reef, though nothing had been done with it. So anyway, these guys came up with the idea

that when you get cremated, they're just chaining dead bodies to the ocean floor. That! Floating up to the top. That I would go see. Yeah. I was like listen You got two options We're gonna go out

We're gonna do some diving today You're like okay We can either go to Like your reef With your run of the mill clownfish And a couple other Or Go see some dead bodies

Chained to the ocean floor There's birds Like nibbling at the dead bodies Or you can watch those same fish Eat dead bodies Where do you wanna go? I'm fucking going to the dead bodies every time just getting super close like underwater camera like taking a picture of a some tropical fish nibbling on a titty like an old an old an old uh... Secondhand titty. What's the word?

Deteriating, like a decomposing... Decomposing penis. Yeah. And this fish is just like... It's just floating in the... Yeah, the fish is nibbling at it. It just eats it. It just shits.

You're like, this is life. I just watched a clown fish shit out bits of a... Bits of a dead guy's dick. Dead guy's dick. Don't tell me I'm not having the best vacation ever. Florida. Hashtag Florida. Instead of the Sunshine State?

And they changed the name to fucking Underwater Cemetery Place? Dick. Dick shitter. Dick shitter. This dick shitter state. The way it works is simple. Customers cremate remains. They're mixed with water and turn into placements at the reef, which has been outfitted with

several other concrete structures that serve as reef bulwarks. So they work them into a statue. Yes. And tie them nibbled on. No. Turning it into a little reef. Did you really think? I said, I wish it was just dead bodies chained to the floor.

You thought that was real? No. Okay. No, but I mean. really think i said i wish it was just dead bodies chained to the you thought that was real no okay no but i know they cremated them and then put them like into a little statue so you can go swim around and visit and but i'm what i'm saying is it's still gonna collect like barnacles and shit and so they're still gonna it's like a reef now yeah exactly so it's so you're still gonna get nibbled exactly so it's still part of it but instead instead of like, I don't know, weird to say, but my dad wanted just like a burial burial. And I know some people are like, I can't fucking imagine just dead body in ground being consumed and going back into the world. My dad wanted that. He didn't want a coffin?

No. Just open burial. Yeah. So they lowered him in. They throw his body in a hole Like they did in the old days Like any last words Just throw him in the bog Any last words

You're like I don't know I've already said a bunch of stuff Like cool Just kick him into a hole They hit him over the head With a shovel He wasn't even dead He's already dead

And somebody just hits him With a shovel It's just part of the tradition Part of the thing And just kick him in They're like you bury it And hand you the shovel You're like

Fucking war cemetery. That's a lot, dude. No, he wanted to go back to the earth. He didn't want to be cremated. He didn't want all that energy to be wasted. He wanted to feed the earth. Make a tree. Yeah.

So anyway, that doesn't work for this. Well, it could. It's the same concept. Right. You chain him to the ocean floor. No, again, they're cremated. No, I know. But him, he would have wanted just like old pirate style just be chained chained to the ocean floor but i figured why not like how many dead bodies are attached to cement blocks in

there that are exactly they're a makeshift underwater cemetery yeah they're it's over in like the hudson bay or the sp Yeah. Nightmare. Don't swim in here. Why not? They probably jumped off the bridge, though. These guys were getting... Yeah. They're swimming with the finishes with the cement. Anyway, I just thought that was cool.

Because I never thought that was even an option. I never been like, can we do this underwater? All right. Let's hear from some of the kids. Zach, roll and fuck! Go! Push it! Zach!

Fucking go! Hurry up! I'd like to, but the stream deck is not responding. I've unplugged it. Okay, so let's just sit here and Brian will burp

into the microphone, eat almonds, and drink soda until you figure it out. I'll do that. Yeah, it's not working. Here we go. Nope.

I'm out of pops. I don't want to end on almonds. Yeah, I don't know. Try again. It'll turn back on. No, it's been on. It's just none of the buttons are working. I've unplugged it. I'm not sure.

Only the one that switches between pages works. Well, should we just fucking skip it? Yeah, you can put it in later, I guess. Or don't. Fuck it. Let's just go on to Hey Guys. Hopefully it turns on and you can play the rest of the segments. I can't. I don't think.

You want to read this first one sure Okay, go for it. Our first email is coming from our daughter bunny was an eye Greetings fathers and seldomly seen and or heard uncle Zack. I have made I've made 34 years without having any major surgery The only thing I've had is a couple molars removed for braces as an adult. Well, I finally, well, I finally a surgery. She must be high on pain pills. Yeah, and emergency one for that over the past weekend.

I had to have my appendix removed. Not only was it an appendicitis, it was also parapendicitis, which is rare and often misdiagnosed and has a very high morbidity. Morbidity. Morbidity. Morbidity. Morbidity. Morbidity. Morbidity.

But morbidity sounds better. More titty titties. I need more titty. At least you didn't get your titties taken. That's what my dad used to always say. 33 things. How could we slaughter this email? This event occurred Sunday, September 20th, 2nd at 22nd.

All right, want me to take over? I think she did this with voice text. I think it has to be. This event occurred Sunday, September 20th. Second. 22nd! At 6 o'clock AM. I believe it was that I was doing a previous night that made... What?

Oh my God. I believe it is what I was doing the previous night that made this happen. I was playing Forza 4 on my computer. Fun game. When I was going down one of the raceways, I saw in the air an absurd amount of hot air balloons. I called them out to my boyfriend, and he said, oh, we're all going to die. We had a laugh and kept playing. Then the following morning, I'm struck with severe pain and I have to go to the ER.

I 100% blame the virtual hot air balloons. Nothing said to make me change my mind. Nothing said to make me change my mind. We are never safe from them. Stay safe. Bunny. I mean, we don't know the power of these things. Yeah.

Like, you just see them in a show. You could be fucking going to surgery the next day. I never. you just see them in a show you can be fucking going to surgery the next day i never like i went for a hot air balloon ride my sister died like it's fucking the connection is it's wild that's true she might be on to something and then you'll be shocked to know that our second email is also about hot air balloons mike writes sup fuck ponies this is your fucked up kid mike so i want to send this in because i was blowing away pun intended about this info so a while back i sent an email about a hot air balloon crash landing out front of my house as a kid well all around our area in ohio

hot air balloons are a big deal you said areola uh excuse me hmm uh my mom sent me these pictures a few weeks ago i did not include the pictures but there's just a bunch of fucking hot air balloons in her field all these balloons land in her yard after a test flight after being repaired now i've never thought about how hot air balloons get fixed but you would think there's some regulations or a professional shop right fuck no the pilots of these hot air balloons were telling my mom that a few miles away which direction there's a guy you never know i will leave his name out probably maybe for legal reasons uh and that he just fixes these balloons in his garage gary's hot air balloon repair a fucking random dude's garage not some specialized shop for them

just a fucking dude that casually fixes hot air balloons in his free time what the fuck not even a full time job he's like I don't know I've had a busy day at the office

we fly tomorrow alright fly bring it in oh my god so all these local hot air balloons are being fixed by some We fly tomorrow. All right, fly. Bring it in. Oh, my God. So all these local hot air balloons are being fixed by some fuckstick messing around his garage at night. No wonder they crash all the time. I love the podcast and everything you guys do.

I think I had decent grammar and for boy in. But I'm also drunk. So who the hell knows? Give me a sexy honk, Mike. I'll give you the rest at the end of the show. That's a little tease. No, they're not. It's a good point.

It's not a wonder that they're crashing all the time because of this. It's because it's a terrible idea. Just a fundamentally terrible concept. Yeah. This guy's not helping i know but thinking about i never you know because when i think about a hot air balloon i i think either the hot air balloon is uh all there or it's on fire and everyone's dead like i never think about like a like a hole in a bike tire yeah you're like oh he's this up. Like what, you just kind of hit a tree?

You put duct tape on the hole? Like a hot air balloon that just kind of maybe hit a little bit of a fucking telephone pole? It's like, no, you're all dead. So it'd be like, what happened this time? That's a pretty good size hole. What happened? And he goes,

takes his hot air balloon hat off. His captain hat. He takes it off. He goes, oh man, his hot air balloon hat off. His captain hat. He takes it off. He goes, oh, man, you know, the intersection at 56th and Grand? Yeah. Hit the telephone pole. A lot of debt. I know that area.

That's a hotbed. I hit the streetlight. He goes, you're the second one this week. I know. He goes, I got you. I got you. Do you think he has a guarantee in his repair? I mean, that's between him and his lawyer.

It's like, I've got a 50... Satisfaction guarantee. Satisfaction. Temporary satisfaction. As long as it flies. I mean, he's done his job. Where it goes from there... Could you imagine if he repaired the hole that's supposed to be open?

Like the hole that the flame goes into? He's looking around and he's like, oh, Jesus, that's supposed to be open. Like the hole that the flame goes into. He's looking around. He's like, oh, Jesus, that's a fucking big hole. Sews it all together and gives it back to the guy. And it just... You didn't do it right. Can you imagine finding out he didn't do it right? Six million feet in the air.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. The hole just opens back up. All you're in the air. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Forgot the... The hole just like, just opens back up. All you see is like little residents of Gorilla Glue. It starts peeling off. The wicker basket comes unraveled. Band-Aids. Yeah. The stitching

comes undone. Have you ever seen those ones that the guys are like, they're in a chair? Yes, the solo ones. Yeah, they're just sitting in a chair. In a lawn chair and floating around. That's fucking crazy. If you're gonna... That's a way to go out sure i mean it's a really good bad idea if that makes sense all right let's wrap this thing up we're gonna get off to the bonus content where we keep on talking patreon.com slash candy don't podcast that's how you sign up we so uh we appreciate all of the support everyone new welcome to party. And if you've been considering doing it, please do.

Because it's a huge part of why we're able to even do this show in the first place. Instagram and Facebook, you can follow us there. Also the YouTube version. Just search for Canyon Home Podcast on whatever platform. Send things in to heyguys at canyonhomepodcast.com. That's the email address if you have a petty beef. Something you want to see on Dick or Would You Rather. Or you saw someone die in a hot air balloon.

Send it in. We want to know about it. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. Be sure to check out Commie Uncle Zach's show, shows, scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. And a big thanks to our babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground

on Facebook. Joke time! Get that merch, though, before the time runs out. Fuck yeah! We'll sign some shit. Yeah. They send in a hot air balloon. Dude, they'll send just like a goat. Just send your goat in. Send your goat in. We'll fucking spray paint. Take care of it. Signatures on there.

Sign its tits. Yeah. Sign its tits. We'll milk it and put it in a bottle. Sign the bottle. Drink it. Send back an empty bottle and a goat. Fuck yeah, dude. A happy ass goat. Yeah. Oh, that goat will leave here bottle sign the bottle drink it send back an empty bottle and a goat fuck yeah dude a happy ass goat yeah oh that goat will leave here happy we know how to you know we've had a lot of satisfy a goat i mean milk a goat or whatever zach play it i'd love to i was hoping for the best me too instinctually and we're back and we're back sorry technical

difficulties i bet you won't be able to play the outro either nope nah i'll put that in later Me too. Instinctually, I guess. And we're back. And we're back. Sorry, technical difficulties. I bet you won't be able to play the outro either. Nope. Nah, I'll put that in later. All right, so here's the joke. I got some sad news. Oh. My grief counselor died.

He was so good, I don't give a shit. Oh, wow. Do you think that actually works? Grief counseling? because i still have incredible grief and i that like i just want to be done with it yeah have you tried drugs yeah but i don't want to go that route because method will make you forget i still have family that i need to function oh yeah i think people just like build different some people need it some people don't.

Yeah. But I mean, that's what I'm saying. Does it work? I mean, it has to do something. I don't feel like it works. Like you don't know how to process it. You don't know what to do with your brain. Some people can do it.

Some people can't. I don't think it would work for me because they'd be like, talk about it. I'd be like, well, what's I going to do? I'm still going to think about it. He's like, that's the first step. You just want me to find Jesus. That's all you want. You're fired.

Get out of here. Terrible grief counselor. That's all they want. You're like, you're fired. Get out of here. Terrible grief counselor. That's all they want you to do is plug. Make me forget. Plug the hole with something else. That's what my daddy used to always say. Instead of just keeping the hole there and thinking about the hole, you jam it in with something else. Yeah, you fill the hole.

Anyway, have you been to Pornhub? Yeah. We got some good videos today. X-Vids. All right, Zach, don't play it. You got it got it all right i'll add it later oh yeah go ahead Bye.