Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Crying in Bed. Wallet Drugs. Cow. Heart Attack.

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

If aliens offering immortality landed on Earth tomorrow and were willing to take you on a tour of the entire universe BUT you could never return to Earth... would you go? Let's talk about that, why the heck Bryan was crying in bed like a giant man-baby, another doctor doing more shady shit while he shouldn't be, the amazing world of counterintuitive but true facts, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/H5UbVXbsPJ8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Crying in bed Wallet Drugs Cow Heart attack Are you excited for today's episode Thank you for today's episode Brian I am Joe Thank you for asking Joe

Are you excited Oh well you already just wooed You answered my question, Zach. Jump the gun, Zach. Jump the gun, Zach. Listen to that fucking horn. How long was that? That's pretty good, I think.

I've been practicing a lot. Oh, good. You have? Yeah. That's sad. You just sit at home. God. It's my only instrument that I'm obsessed with now.

It was a seven string. Now it's this whole thing. Do you play music? Yeah, I play the party horn. I play the party horn. Is it? Well, and someone doesn't know what it is? it's like a harmonica but one note and more exciting

can you would you be able to cut holes in that and be able to add pitches to it or is it just right probably does the sound question yeah there's only one way to find out I'm sure what if the internet is has tried to turn a party horn into a flute I visualize like a little teeny recorder

yeah you too yeah that's a beautiful concept and I'm here for it all right we have some new merch by the way I'm not sure if we I think we mentioned it last week but we didn't show it off uh we do have a whole lineup of fucking coming in there fucking coming uh sweatshirts t-shirts available right now at can you don't podcast dot com and if you're part of the gaggle and support us on patreon we also have uh a tumbler that says the pond on it we just had our first inaugural pond uh god just two days ago down the time they were recording this show it's a good time but we'll be doing that next one coming up here october 7th it was so much fun thanks to everyone who joined us and if you want to be part of the live experience that is the pond as we grow and evolve that to just be more of a complete shit show.

You can go ahead and support us on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Can You Don't Podcast. Speaking of that, we were one away. By the way, guys, we made it all the way to 424 a couple days ago. And then some cards got denied or something. We fell back off. So we didn't make it still to Brian getting his fucking eyes checked. I desperately...

At the time they were recording this, We're like three away. Yeah. We've just been flirting right there with it. Fletting weird disaster. If you want to help us keep progressing through this honkathon again, head over to that Patreon page. A lot of bonuses of being part of the gaggle.

And then also, we missed this last week. I'm so sorry. But we did get some mail. I know you guys have sent some stuff in. I'll be over there later on this week to check the physical mail box. But here, Brian, take those. Oh, these old things? Ryan.

We got a note here. And it says, dear Zach, my handwriting sucks. Sorry. I'm hearing you. And sorry has like the, you know, they went over it. Like either they spelled it wrong or the pen stop working. He said, dude, these are from despair. ink. Cheers, Sean Gates.

Thank you, Sean. Yeah, thank you, Sean. So they're like, it was like a whole stack of these kind of weird. You know, like the demotivational posters? Like, they have the motivational posters you've seen in every P.E. locker room. Yep. And these are kind of

the opposite of that. They're just weird as shit. Happiness. Happiness. Happy? Happiness is just sadness that hasn't happened yet. What's the picture on there?

Just some flowers. Good stuff. There's one that made me a giggle in here. I remember which one it was. I know. There's so many of them. So we will be hanging those babies up there in Zach's studio. Yeah, like the beauty.

Mm-hmm. It's just a butterfly on a flower. It says, if you're attractive enough on the outside people forgive you for being ugly yeah that makes sense that's the secret that's the spice of life right there i mean that's that's how a lot of guys get married right yeah you see i mean you got the got the comedy and uh just a run in the mill dick but you got you got nice personality my wiener's as small as the next guy but if you can make her laugh you can fuck it if you can make your laugh you can fuck her like things my dad used to say anyway good night son

That was the worst thing your dad used to say. Yeah. If you can make her laugh, you can fuck her. What? You're talking about mom, dude. Oh, he's like, yeah. It's like across the board, son. Good night.

What? She's not immune to it, son. Then you lay there in bed with your eyes open. And just hear them plowing mom. Oh, yeah. Zach, we're doing laugh time on the show today. Can you give us a little preview? What are we talking about, you little commie?

We're doing counterintuitive facttoids. Okay. That sound maybe like they shouldn't be true, but they are true. And we'll know some of them, we'll know not some of them. That sounds beautifully on brand. I'm pretty excited for it. With Ken, you don't. It should be pretty good.

Okay. Well, I'm excited to sit on your lap. Yeah. Should we get the show rolling? No. Oh. Okay. Just look at the Browns posters.

Should we just sit here and hang on, I guess? Let's talk about a big dumper. Oh, we'll get there. Oh, we're going to. Yeah, we'll get there. All right. All right, push the button, Zach. Do it right now.

Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Okay, steering off. From would you rather steering off from Fuck Mary Kill and just doing something a little deep. A little different, okay? A little something different here. If aliens landed on Earth tomorrow. Shoot them!

And offered to take you on a tour of the universe. And they have developed technology to a point that you could live as long as you wanted. But you could never return back to Earth. Would you go? Why or why not? I'm assuming your family came. come with you. No, just you. But you are about to see some shit. Yeah. Stuff that everybody's been wondering. And you never get to go back and tell anybody about it. So this question is really,

how much do you love your family? Sure. And the, and the moral, and like, I guess some moral kind of, like a moral thought experience, experiment about like how much do you really think you matter? Right? Like, everyone's going to be fine without you. We just have a really hard time as humans understanding that like we're all going to die and eventually like our lives really didn't do anything yeah that's not fair but it is fair no it's not fair on the on a universal scale universal scale we are nothing yes i agree the ununiversal but we all feel so important we feel like we have an impact in this this like thing that we have to do right but like we disappear we die it affects like our friends and our family they all move on and keep doing their life and

you're going to be like a little thing that like makes them sad sometimes and then they're going to pass away and then their kids aren't going to even know you so within a couple generations you don't fucking matter yeah i mean i get all that even if you're famous even if you're really famous you can do some huge things and then just 200 let's just let's go on the crazy side like 200 years from now no one's going to really give a fuck Lester Genghis Khan Like we're told what to care about Because of the history books

But like if that wasn't there We're told what we're supposed to care about But if we weren't told that information We'd have no fucking idea who these people are What Happen Because it doesn't matter Yay Jesus Christ

So anyway Yeah On a universal On a universal scale In the grand scheme of things You're absolutely right But if you just up and left tomorrow and your kids didn't have you around.

Yeah. To go travel the universe with some fucking aliens and live as long as you, but your kids are going to miss. It's not just cool. That's going to be fucking amazing. It's a little better than like, yeah, I guess I'll go. Yeah, but what if there's nothing out there? There is.

They just got there. They're out there. Yeah. But are they that interesting? They've got to be. I bring my dog. No. Dogs out.

Fuck. Maybe they're not that interesting because it would be a bunch of fucking NASA nerds basically as aliens. Like. Yeah, it would be the dorks of the aliens. Yeah, it'd be the dorks of the aliens. So you're just doing a little experiment. Yeah. They're like doing the circle game on you the whole time.

Like you looked at it. It's like punching you. And always like like finger in your butt. You're like, I thought that was a stereotype. What if they, yeah, what if they just saw things that. We did at a certain time, and they're just now picking that stuff up. So they wouldn't be time traveling or traveling through space to get to Earth that they just figured this shit out. Like, they're way advanced.

Did I miss what you said? Well, I'm just, so they came to Earth to pick you up. Yeah. But they scoped it out a little bit to see what was going on, and they saw that kind of stuff. So they think that that's cool. And so you get on there and they're just doing the same shit that people are doing on here. so like yeah like so you think they're gonna have some advanced fucking thing going on you live forever and they're just showing you pictures of yellowstone national park

i've seen it i've been there but look how cool it is joe look at how pretty it is and it's cool to put in there like you can live as long as you wanted like you're you're immortal but if you're if you've had enough you can go right so you just kind of pick and choose you're like all right Well, I've seen the universe. I'm ready to die now. It might take a while. It could. Or they, you know, how advances their technology?

I mean, if we're going with, like, the fact they have been able to travel through, what a bummer that would be. They offer to give you a tour of the universe. They're like, you can live as long as you want. You have all this, like, all these health, whatever. Hacks to just make you live forever. And you're under the assumption that they are. traveling the speed of light and zipping

around the galaxy. But what, like, you don't know is they've been traveling in their shitty fucking UFO for 600 million light years and just happened to run into Earth. They're galactic pumpkins. And they picked you up, and it's like the equivalent of being on the back of a lime scooter. And you're like, oh, fuck. I can live forever,

but I have to wait 600 years to get to Saturn, or not Saturn, but to another star. Yeah, fucking 30 million light years. And they're just like, we, like partying. You're like, oh, no. So I think it's safe to assume that their technology, if they've conquered mortality,

their ability to travel is also going to be up there. They're going to be going real quick, and you're going to be able to zip all around the universe, travel to all these different planets. And I'm banking on the fact. Again, we'll get back to the sadness part of like abandoning your family or whatever. But there's going to be other like earth. and colonies and civilizations out there if you can travel the whole universe and I want to go fucking check them out what do they look like

what earth could suck compared to some of the other shit that's going on out there oh yeah I'm sure it does and you'd show up and look like we do we're uh we're constrained to our knowledge of what we think life is so aliens these things on the side of our head are just normal yeah and like those are ridiculous but aliens we made up what we think aliens are but like what what is an actual alien look like and if they were to travel to another livable space that had life like there's only only certain so many certain things that that could see this is here we go i was going to say there the the universe is made up of very certain things like that we kind of know what it's made up out of but we don't know i guess we don't know what life could how it evolved it couldn't might maybe it's not carbon based right that's what i'm trying to say like but but they don't go to that planet it's sulfur bait like what if what if someone it's like

sulfur base they they breathe sulfur well then you can't go to that planet you probably shouldn't come in it but yeah but their technology has got you could you could figure it out like they would but what would that life look like it's not going to look like us i don't know if it sucks just fucking take off to another one they're they're giving you a tour of the whole universe buddy you got to be able to find a new family blue bootied alien somewhere yeah exactly you get it but you are going to but you are going to make some people pretty sad but you on the in the back of your brain you have to know this is an opportunity to see three titty aliens yes and that's all we cute yeah i know i know you i know you want you want me to answer some

thing crazy but i'm not going to make a clip out of it and send it to your family no It's not, it's not just that they'll miss you. It's like, I'm not, yeah, I'm out there traveling universe, but I'm wondering what the hell my kids are doing. Like, that's sorry. It's not, it's not worth it for me. Make a new kid. No. Teach it how to play baseball.

No. Maybe it'll be so good at baseball. Blow your kid's talent right out of the fucking water. Matt, yeah. Or whatever they have on the island. Yeah. Maybe you don't have a water. Blow it right out of the rock.

Yeah. the silver pit yeah man your skills blow my kid skills right out of the silver pit if that's just a wow they deal a lot

that's a common saying in that planet yeah I mean communication again I'm leaning on the fact that their technology is going to be so advanced that you'll be able to

communicate with all these different civilizations so through some kind of mouthpiece so you can communicate and speak what they're doing and I don't know

Like a language translator Yeah Yours wearing like The meta glasses And it just picks up You know Yeah But then who do you share

All that stuff with The aliens Alien buddies Yeah You gotta start a new family I don't know New friendship group And like

It's hard to make new friends In your own town I don't know about in a spaceship In the Alpha Centauri star system I mean they invited you in They got to be cool enough For you to be like Hell yeah brother

Or maybe they're a bunch of fucking nerds And they're like That guy looks cool We need a cool guy in the group So now you're this the cool guy in the group Hanging around a bunch of fucking dweaves I don't see the downside right now You're the cool king of the nerd group

And that's pretty fun But no thinking about tour in the universe Like just right here on Earth Like I'm a little tired Am I up for it? Am I up for tour in the universe? I would rather see If you came along and said

There's an alien that's going to take you To see the rest of the earth Like I'd rather just take a tour and see the rest of the earth first. Let's just go see the Grand Canyon. I've seen the Grand Canyon, but I want to go to like... Oh my God, sounds like a lot.

Can we just go to the Grand Canyon? How many stars are there? Can we go to Yellowstone? Why go to Yellowstone? When we could look at pictures of Yellowstone National Park, Joe. Right here, Google. Here, I've Googled it for you, Joe. I made it your screensaver.

Look, it's your screensaver, and you live forever, Joe. How about, here's another... I'm going to change this question a little bit. If the aliens come down and they're like, you can bring your fans. family and we'll see the rest of the earth. Yeah. Or I'll show you the rest of the universe.

Yeah. But it's got to just be you. But yeah, that's the easiest. Of course. Yeah, I'll travel the earth with my family. Why is that so much easier? Because my family's here and I get to zip around and see the earth. I get it's a win-win.

You have to take your... The hard part is you have to leave your friends and family. No, they just vanish for an out-of-this-world experience. I want to know what's most important to you. So they come, they come pick you up. they're like, we'll show you the rest of the earth, wherever you want to go in an instant, but you have to go without your family. Okay.

Or you could see the whole universe with your family. See the whole universe with my family. Yeah, absolutely. But you can never go back to Earth? No, we all live forever and travel around together. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's so mean to do to them.

They're just like, all right. Like, you don't need, we don't need no education. It's like, you don't need your friends and all your sports, all that kind of stuff. Let's go see the earth. again like that's the the balance side of it is from the bigger perspective no one cares about my family like if we vanished like a very small group of people would give a fuck for like a couple years no one else is going to fucking care i get it we're going to be seeing the whole universe yeah so pretty short-sided to be like well yeah but their friends are going to be sad it's not no see

you're you keep thinking it's about the people that are left and you're not thinking it is for me And the kids, you're not thinking about, now you're not thinking about what the kids, like, they would miss their friends and that kind of stuff. Yeah, but they've also got, that was their first point. That's why I said, well, very sad for them, because now they don't get any friends. But there could be some sick-ass alien friends. Yeah. Blue alien booty prom. I mean, the opportunity is out there.

That's a, I mean, it's a real tough one. Just based on my human sense and perceive instincts, I probably just have to be like, nah. Yeah, I would. But that sucks. I would turn it down. Man. Same. The rest of your life just be, like, anytime anything goes wrong, you're just like,

fuck. I could be in the alpha mega galaxy right now. God, I could be in a whole different galaxy right now and have to deal with this bullshit. I could be an Andromeda right now. And I mean, here I am. Listening to you talk about how you got another girl pregnant. I mean, you could. Walk in me!

You could, uh, you could wait around for the Andromeda and Milky Way to crashed together like that could be fun yeah you could watch it while eating popcorn with your alien buddies yeah from a safe distance and not just burning if you're not going to die if you can live forever i want to be in the middle of it i'm just i want to see what it's like gotcha yeah and then the yeah the hell thing when you're on earth and your your body's falling apart the whole time you're going to regret not getting in that fucking spaceship you're like god damn it could you imagine getting that you're 90 years old and they come with that proposal so you're seeing the universe but you're fucking 90

just wearing glass you're like I can't see shit if you could if they came and said you uh you will turn you into any age you want to be and then we'll go see the universe yeah would you stay the same age or would you go younger no I'd go as a one year old get the fuck

I'd grow up thinking that that is how life's supposed to be is with my alien buddies on a spaceship I was thinking you stayed that way forever yeah one you just want to be a is that to carry me around It's like It's grogou

On weird shit On different planets Taking you around the universe And you're grogoo Basically I don't know I'd probably pick like 30

30 years old Got the whole world in front of me Plowing alien pus Yeah I got my I got someone My life put together What do you think So if there's an alien out there

Like What do you See that's a whole other fantasy So like We fantasize about like as a straight male I fantasizes about attractive volumptuous woman lumpuous

volumptuous woman but if you're thinking about like alien and you could picture anything is there something that comes your mind that's like fuck yeah like what turned me on yeah a minion minion yep

yeah but anna okay well just based on these things coming down here tour the universe live forever as long as you want to anyway but you never can come back here i'm going no god it's a big change how many how many days you get to say goodbye i don't even think it's a question for me you get 24 hours to be like you're too young to understand this but fuck you bye see again you're like you're too young to understand this you're going to be sad you're not taking the fact that you are leaving your family i mean if you're okay with i mean leaving your

family behind it's the shit that's out there and what you're going to see and explore for as long as you want for thousands of years i guess that's just what makes us different or just die and your kids are sad anyway my god it's a lose lose out here it's not about your kids being sad it's about you missing maybe you just don't love your family joe i do maybe that's what the issue is because you keep making it about no i just said i'm leaning towards staying i would 100 i would not be able to do that to my kids because that's all we have and that's all we know and I think that would be my choice but the opportunity that you're passing up you're also a fucking idiot for not doing it and I think I'm a fucking idiot so I don't think I could do it

even though life is full of despair and sadness and I'll just be doing that to my kids anyway regardless so I disappoint my kids every day yeah I don't need I don't need to fly to space and my health will decline and then I'll die and then they'll be sad and yeah but you'll die an old man you don't they're not leaving you're not leaving them as a this age right now he says you can't return to earth could I fax some funny pictures. He's like, I can't wish you were here. It's just the most craziest shit.

Fuck! And they're like, what? This has to be a guy. Things that we can't even on the spot think of right now that would be crazy. We can't even imagine. Just the most nonsense, beautiful shit. And you're like, wish you were here. But it's a black and white picture. He's like,

meh. Yeah. Instead, your kids are doing a podcast about what my dad used to say. Yeah, things my dad used to do. Terrible. Terrible things. splitting a band in the family Things I wonder what my dad's doing right now This is the whole podcast

It sounds like we're all staying Yeah, okay, fine All right, moving off, what are you thinking about? Zachie Poo! Hey, hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What are we thinking about? What are we thinking about? This might be fun to some people and boring with some people, but I'm thinking about Baseball oh yeah sports ball sports ball sports bean and it's I'm bringing this up because it just happened last night

Okay and um for i mean we're a week where are we we're a week away right right now we should be what's today Thursday we're getting ready to start the series okay playoffs but right now this happened last night the mayor's won the fucking a l west who which hasn't happened since 2001 Big deal. It's a big win. I was just graduating high school the last time that happened. Okay. So it's been a bit.

And so last night, I'm watching the game. I'm in the other room by myself. And the game is just getting kicked off. Families out in the living room. I'm in the bedroom. Fucking a walker. I don't even think they know that I was where I was. You're in the wopper room.

I was in the wopper room. getting my whopper on. Watching baseball fucking a hamburger. God, is that the best life? That's the best life you could live. Anyway, back to you. I'm living it. Wrong.

Close. Close enough. Just down the street. So, the game starts, first out, and then Cal Raleigh comes up and hits a home run into the fucking

stratosphere, basically where you would, the aliens would be taking you if you're going on the trip. Traveling that. Fest. And I just fucking scream. And it wasn't like it wasn't like, yeah, Cal was like

because I was just like fucking blown away. Okay. At what it had just happened. Because this is, it's an important game. We're trying to, we're trying to clinch playoffs, all this kind of stuff. And he's, he's trying to do something that, he's already done something that no kidder's ever done. But he's trying to do,

he's trying to break records for the American League home runs and all that kind of shit. So there's just a lot of stuff fucking going on. And so I make that loud noise and my entire family like hops up and runs into the bedroom. You see their little feet? Yeah, it's like slap, clap, clap. And I even hear Amber like, everyone just like gets up and runs in the bedroom because they don't know. They didn't even know I was in the bedroom, let alone watching the game.

They didn't know what the fuck was happening. Okay. So they come running in there and standing in the doorway. Eyes are like, they're like, are you okay? And I'm sitting on the bed. I'm like, Cal! This fucking home rat. And they're like, Jesus.

And my kids are excited because Cal, but my wife's like, that's enough. Like, you can't do that. You can't do that shit. And she's probably thinking, you're 42-year-old man. When I hear something like that, I think that something, like maybe aliens came and picked you up and they're taking you away. Yeah, you have an ultimatum.

Right. That aliens just delivered and you didn't expect it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So now I'm like trying to apologize. I'm sorry, just really excited. Mm-hmm. And it, everything, it's, you know, he comes around,

and everything kind of settles down. Everyone wanders back into the other room. Oh, do it again. Yeah, sorry. My bad. Won't let it happen again. They go walking back out there. Julio comes up.

Smack out. Oh, God! Oh, fuck! They come running in again. What the fuck is going on? Julio. He was way back to back. They're like, now my wife's like, dude.

Like, you have to, you fucking. We just talked about this. I was just in here. Like 40 seconds ago You have to stop this Okay I hear you I hear you loud and clear

Yeah I got it Yep Next batter Out Next batter comes up again Gino comes up Home run It was like crying wolf

No I mean kids came running in But my wife was like No She dies he dies If he dies he dies It's whatever it's fucking it's his life

whatever my kids come in because they're fucking pumped you know because especially my oldest he's a huge baseball guy um so but it was just so funny because she like she at that point was like all right I'm so fucking over it and so the game's going on

we start putting the kids to bed get them laid down and I'm back in the bedroom again and watching the game and now I'm trying to remember if she was laying next to me or not. It's probably not.

It's the eighth inning. I'm trying to remember she came back and late. I don't remember now. So Cal comes up and he's got 15-9 home runs. Hits another home run. No, that's, no, this is what happened. So she comes into, I'm laying in bed, watching the game, and she walks in and she, and you're like, get out of here.

She likes to watch the show. I was like, the game's almost over. You can turn a show on. She's like, no, we can watch the game if you want. Like, they're up big. They're going to win. So I turn it off so she can turn on a TV show. And all of a sudden, I grab my phone because I was going to play a game.

And all of a sudden, I get a little notification. Cal Raleigh hits number 60. I'm like, oh, fuck! And she's like, she looks over me and like, what? And I'm like, Cal just in it. And she's like, you're going to wake up the fucking kids. We just tried to. Everybody!

Like out the front door? Yeah, like, everyone has it out. The British are coming! Yeah, they're right. counts. And so, and she's just like, are you fucking kidding me? And she's like, well, just turn it back on the TV. And I'm like, no, it's fine.

It's fine. She's like, turn it back. I'm like, no, I was watching my bed. So then it starts like the little, no, I'm fine. You have a magnifying glass in your phone out? This is fine. It's fine. I said it's fine.

I actually prefer this. Yeah. Well, I'm so used to. When you have little kids, they tie up the TV. So she's, so turn and see, I just said, I'll watch my phone so she's watching a show on there and then so the game is ending and they're they're putting on the division champ shirts and everything like that i'm watching it and like all these emotions start coming over like it was like holy shit it's been so long since he won this division

and i was like fuck my dad's not here to see it you know like all this all the stuff all the feels start coming in i'm like then i start like sobbing a little bit and then she looks over she's like are you okay i'm like i was like you know just kind of like you know fun Like, well, is it something, did something happen? I'm like, we just won. And it's so funny, like, if you don't care about sports, like, it just, it's hard to explain when you've, like, it's weird because you don't, you don't, you're not on the team. And so when, so people that don't care, it's like, why, why are you so excited? You didn't do anything.

Yeah. But if you don't get it, it's hard to explain. Like, when you, when you've poor your, you've. buy merch, you go to games, you pour your heart, like you've given yourself to this fucking team, and they finally come through and do something, it's like, it's kind of like this overwhelming thing. Cal's parents were in the crowd, and like you could see their eyes welling up, and they're watching their son do something so fucking crazy. And then it's like, I don't know, just things of like, dad, all this kind of stuff comes up and like, fuck, he's not here to see

this. And I'm like, bawling. And your wife's like, what a bitch. I know. And I was like, I don't care. I don't care what your thing is. She's talking to you and you're just like, you're crying, but you have the giant magnifying glass in front of your face. I look at her. I'm like, shut up. And she sees my mouth. I'm fine. Your nose is like, like huge and tripping. Snot is just, yeah. I said, I'm fine. I'm happy. Huge mouth with tears. But it's funny because like they're, they're really hot right now. I think you have a real chance to go on and fucking win. Hopefully we have by this time comes out. We have a buy. haven't got, we're not being put out in the wildcard round, which would suck.

Well, that hasn't happened. But at the same time, the guardians are on fire. Yep. And so, like, our two favorite teams are two of the hottest teams in baseball. Oh, yeah. And I think it can be fun to have the Mariners lose. Yeah. So the last, so the last time, the first time the Mariners made the playoffs was 1995.

And we beat the Yankees and then lost to the, the then Indians. and then the Indians lost to the Braves so that felt kind of good but what's funny is what's funny is like we could potentially be I don't know how it's going to work out yet because right now we'll know when this episode comes out but the idea of like

us meeting in the ALCS again yeah we like we should try to go to a game yeah I'm in that'd be an absolute blast like how fun would that be what happened like it was like a month ago or so what happened the last time the Guardians and Mariners played

do you remember yeah was it did the guardians sweep them the guardians played really well but all their pitchers were cheating and they got in trouble and stuff yeah yeah really really knocked them back

they apparently weren't cheating hard enough as soon as they were out of there they kept winning all the games yeah hey oh date I feel a sports shit talk for you guys I feel bad for I mean I don't feel bad for Detroit but imagine being like a Tigers fan

and thinking you have the division wrapped up Yeah. And all of a sudden, you're like 15 games up. We're like, dude, this is in the bag. And it's the last 10 games, the Guardians have gone 9 in 1 and Detroit's gone 1 in 9. Like they just, they did this. Yeah.

That's beautiful. Sports is a crazy fucking thing. Yeah, let's look into it. If that happens, we can try to go to a game. I'm sure tickets are going to be super affordable. And they'll probably drop food and drink prices. in the stadiums just to make up because they know that the tickets were

also so cheap they can't overcharge for food and drink. They're good people that MLB. Yeah, and then the hotels in the area definitely won't price gouge and increase prices by like two or three hundred bucks for everyone traveling from out of town to watch the game. Likely free parking too.

We just bring your RV. Yeah. And live in the streets. Yeah. Of downtown Seattle, what could go wrong? That's how you do Seattle, yep. We went on the Savannah bananas a couple weeks ago. and they were doing the world tour

and they were in Seattle and we spent way too much money on tickets I thought so I thought it was illegal to scalp tickets well that's supposed to be but there's also insider stuff that says that these companies are promoting scalping

because they get a cut of the scalping ticket so the prices go up they actually get more money if they allow scalping to keep happening it's fucking ridiculous and I think something needs to be done about it but so the hotel we usually stay at the cross the street it's usually like 250 to 3 350 but it's worth it it's expensive but it's worth it's right across stadium little kids all that shit it was like 700 bucks fuck for one night when we were with it is it the silver cloud that place is not worth 700

bucks it's convenient it is being able to walk to the stadiums is pure convenience you walk right out of the stadium right into your fucking but elevator it's not five star no I don't care it's convenient for me yeah well five star prices though it is 700 bucks for a night fuck my ass um anyway anyway so well i hope that happens i hope that we can make it all go down i know this wasn't like a funny thing but it was like it's all i could think about so i had to just had to get it out there yeah i appreciate well yeah well i'm happy for you and i hope the guardians are able to win their division as well yeah the fuck god you guys suck all right all right let's move off to some dick okay squeeze a couple these bad boys in before we sit down on Zaki's lap

Ah, yeah! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. All right. So, woo-o-o. Coming in hot.

What kind of coffee you got over there today? Latte. Latte coffee? Mm-hmm. Okay. Earlier, I guess I have to get this out before I forget, but I was saying the British are coming. But what if he's going,

The British are coming in it? Everybody is. The British are coming in it. He's riding on his horse in a lamp. He's like, the British are coming in it. They're coming in it. Opening the hatches like, what? They're what?

Coming in knit. Come in need. I don't, I don't. Come in need. What don't you understand? They're coming in it. That sounds like a guy that worked in like the coal mines and kind of lost his brain a little bit. Fucking coming in it.

Can't hear. Can't understand them. It's like, oh, it's just Gary. Yeah, fuck. It's the town nut. Must be working overnights. Run, you're going to die! The British are coming in it!

What? Dude, Gary's got to fucking get out of the minds, dude. All right, I'm going back to bed, Gary. Fuck, go home. They're coming in it! Put the bottle down! Jesus Christ! Who was that, honey?

Fucking Gary? What's he saying? He's saying the British are coming in it? You're coming in it? I don't know. All right. Speaking of coming in it, I don't know.

And then Brian was born. Yep. All right, well, speaking of a coming in it, you read this first one. Oh, you get it. Segway. Segway. This is from the BBC, Joe. Oh, across the pond.

The big black cock? Mm-hmm. Great. Now I just visualize... What? A big black cock. Just giving it to some tiny little poor woman's butthole. Yay.

Imagine easing down on a... Fuck. Dr. White of... Whoa! Doctor walked out of operation for sex. Threesome sex. With nurse.

No threesome here. Just sex. Okay. This story just goes to show how obsessed. I mean, I get that women like sex. I get it. And we've had comments like, hey, women like sex too. I get it.

But do you? I don't think you fully get it. And this is one of those stories that's just like, yeah. Guys will pretty much do anything at any point. point at any time. Yeah. Leave a funeral for sex. Like in the middle, like...

I'm not leaving. I'll do it at the funeral. You get it. Yeah! I'm waiting for everyone else to leave. All right. A little stiff there. Yeah, a little necrophilia joke for any way.

Yeah. This was a little reminiscent of that story we had about the doctors. Remember, they muted all the alerts, all the noises from the machine so they could play their music game. It's so annoying when people start. dying and killed somebody just muted the vital signs so they can play their music bingo game okay back to you what are we doing a doctor left a patient on an operating table under anesthesia excuse me to go and have sex with a nurse in another room at least you went into the other

room yeah you have the decency just i'm not going to get my dick out in front of this guy that's unconscious That is rude. That's really rude. Yeah. That's something you get your license taken away for. Uh-huh. Dr. Suhail Anjum, 44.

And an unnamed nurse. Oh, sure. Let's throw him in the fire, but not her. She had nothing to do with it. Yep. Maybe she was underage. Whoa. Yikes.

What are happening? I'm not implying anything here. Okay. Unnamed nurse, we caught. Yeah. Why did they name her? Yeah. Okay.

Back to you. I have my suspicions, but were caught in a compromising position by a shocked colleague at Tameside Hospital in greater Manchester! I love how she was like, she walked in, she was just shocked. I couldn't believe

what was going on. Whoa! Your penis is not supposed to be in that. Wow, you guys are having sex. Wow! Are you guys in the mood for threesome sex? And they were like, no, that's why She went and told. Yeah. She wasn't invited to the other room.

The party. Yeah. She had to hang out with the unconscious patient. She was like, I never get to have six. No one ever fucks me. Okay. The incident in September of 2023 came to light in a fitness to practice hearing after Dr. Anjim, who had been living in Pakistan, applied to work in the UK again.

He did not dispute the evidence against him. Yeah, that's me. was fucking totally was fucking right there dude yep why would i deny that that's fucking she is hot dude look at that what's the problem i left the room uh that's the problem oh well okay well i can't change the past what do you want me to do what do you fucking doing here what are we trying to do here okay so don't leave the room next time and just have sex in the room are you bragging about the sex you're trying to get your license part dr anjum you're missing it's not about where you fucked don't

fuck oh is there anything else because i gotta go fuck yeah okay back to you yeah i'm not i'm not in a mill of a surgery right now so i can go fuck right you can go fuck right you can do whatever you want that's sick so i permission to leave okay bye say dude okay i got to go what's the the waiting room at a courthouses uh the the green room i'm not someone waiting in the green room little m&Ms yeah no he did not oh oh right he said that. You did it? No, he did not dispute the evidence against him presented by the general medical

counsel, the GMC, during the hearing in Manchester and said his behavior has been shameful. Okay. Understood. The consultant anesthesiist had said he needed a comfort break and asked another nursing colleague to monitor the male patient halfway through the procedure. He's like, dude, I cannot focus with all this common mind. balls. Yeah, can you just he just

puts his he just he just sighs and puts his instruments down what's the matter doctor too much fucking cum in my balls dude I have an absurd amount of semen in my balls

I'm gonna need a comfort break you watch the patient okay you come with me literally here we go it's like oh you need to go whack off no no no comfort break Come here.

Come on now. Nurse Jackie, let's go. Let's go. Instead, Dr. Engham went to another operating theater. Whoa. Is there an audience? This guy's into some shit.

At the hospital in Ashton, under Lynn, where he had sex with a woman referred to in the hearing as nurse C. Where the fuck's nurse B? In the other room watching the drugged up patient? Well, how do we get to see? Where's A and B? Yeah. A and B. Oh, yeah.

Where's A? I don't know. Filman. Yeah. The theater. She's running the theater. A's the patient that's got passed out. He's like, I don't want to do this today.

Okay. Andrew Malloy representing the GMC said the nurse who walked in on the pair had been shocked and quickly walked through the theater to the exit doors. Who does that? I mean, I would peek a little bit. Yeah. Like, yeah, Dr. Annam's really giving it to her. Yeah. He's really giving her that cock, isn't it?

Dr. Andrew, who was gone for about eight minutes. Ooh, a fucking stallion, dude. Whoa. Came back into the theater and completed it. He comes back and he's like, he goes over and pulls his mask up and just gets back to surgery. He's breathing a little hard. And then the nurse walks in, kind of like fixing her hair.

He gives a thumbs up. All right, let's get back to it. Scalple. Get that come out of your balls, doctor? Yeah, it's on Nurse B. Oh, and completed his work. Okay. I love it.

He's completed a couple jobs today. Where did I put that scalpel? Mr. Malloy added, It is right to say that no harm came to the patient when Dr. Andrew was absent from the theater and a procedure went on without further incident. No harm, no foul. That's right. Okay.

He said the nurse who discovered them went on to report the matter to her line manager. Before the case was opened by the GMC, Dr. Andrews said he had not dispute the facts of the case that admitted engaging in sexual activity with nurse C. Okay. Well, just another example, and we've had so many over the three-plus years here on Can You Don't, is that doctors are people too. Yes, they are. held to a much higher standard

than just your some professions out there I think you kind of know that going in to it right? Yes, you also get paid to have the bar raised a little bit as you are in care of people oftentimes in life or death situations.

That's the tradeoff, right? Yeah. Yeah. Like I know I don't, I know I wouldn't want the responsibility of a doctor. Like that's just not my personality. I wouldn't want any part of it.

So I don't have any. But if you were going to get in that present, you know, you're like, I'm going to have people's life in my hands. No, thanks. I'm going to get a paid a fuck ton of money. So it's worth it. All this kind of shit. Or I could get in the spaceship and travel the universe. You could.

And live forever. Yeah. I mean, if you're, yeah, think about that. If you're a doctor, you're never seeing your family anyway. So, yeah. Might as well travel the universe. Yeah. I mean, you're off plowing nurse C and nurse D.

Right. Give her that fucking. Nurse C with D. Dr. D. Yeah, Dr. D. NERC. New on Netflix this month. Dr. D.

Gives it to NERC. NERC? It sounds like a cute way. NERCY rhymes. Have anyone see the NERCY? A little NERCy poo? A little NERC-Y bet? No.

Well, he knew he was likely, so he said he knew she was likely to be nearby when he left his patient. Okay. Yeah, well. Yeah, nothing happened. Can't be doing that. I'm glad the result was not. not that that patient, like, died in those eight minutes.

That would be... He just, I mean, he woke up and he's like, what the fucks everyone so mad about? Yeah. What do you guys... I mean, I'm fine. What do you guys mad about? Did he die? Oh, did you die?

No. What am I doing here? What am I doing here? Oh, my God! All this is for me, right? It's all for me. What happened? It must be something terrible, right?

Like, everyone's... Dead. I didn't do a good job. Or maybe I just had some fucking six. Is his arm attached? Yeah? Then I did my job. Oh, my God. Yep, that's probably how all went down. All right, let's move off to our next little slice of hog here.

Hog heaven? Yeah. Drug dog visiting middle school finds cocaine in teacher's wallet. Hmm. Police say. It's a weird place to find it. Yeah. So we're going to East Baton Rouge, Louisiana. A teacher, a teacher was arrested at a middle school in Baton Rouge after she was illegally caught with cocaine.

I don't think you have to say illegally. Yeah. Like if there's ever a point where some states are, and cocaine's legal, and some are illegal. If you're not illegal, you're it illegally caught. Yeah. So illegal cocaine. Okay. The drug dog was at Westdale Middle School when Virginia Somers, 47, was repeatedly found, or reportedly, repeatedly, was reportedly found with cocaine inside of illegal drugs, was reportedly found with cocaine inside of a wallet. The drugs were tested and confirmed to be cocaine.

Officials said that Somers told then that the cocaine belonged to a friend who gave it to her at the LSU football. tailgate Saturday. These are my friend's pants, sure, everybody. Yeah. This is your friend's wallet. So you stole it. Fuck!

I peed in my pants. She gave me an extra pair of her pants. Here, were you hold on to this cocaine for me? We need new pair. But having been and being in the party world, I mean, yeah, sometimes some cocaine get handed around. But if you don't want that cocaine in your wallet, you know exactly where that cocaine is. Give it back to your friend. Can you forget that you have cocaine?

Yeah, if you're heavily drinking. And you were like, oh, shit. Look at this. Oh boy Let's bring this to my job Because Even so every time I fly in an airplane Yeah

And I have to put my My stuff Your coch through the Yeah I have to put my Cogate up my ass And all that shit Every time I fly

I have to put my cocaine up my ass Back to you I I don't do I mean I've I take You know I have like Fucking edibles

Sometimes or whatever But even before Even before is legal Like I just wasn't I wasn't doing drugs But every time I go to the airport I was still paranoid that I had something illegal In my possession Even though I know I don't have anything illegal in my possession

But I was nervous and I would check all my bags Just in case it accidentally got in there somehow Like maybe in the bathroom You accidentally set your backpack down on a pile of cocaine Or someone slid it in there Trying to fuck with me or something You know like I went through I go through all the scenarios

But so if I know that I have cocaine Yeah. I would be extra paranoid. But maybe people on cocaine don't have that parent. You'd think they would be paranoid. Yeah. He's a little paranoia that can come with cocaine. I mean, it's not very meth-y, but meth is the, yeah, you get it. Here's the part where Somer's little story about the cocaine belonging to a friend becomes harder to believe. She went to another school. She doesn't even go here. When searching Somers' car, officials reportedly found marijuana and pipes. Those are also her friends that were given to her at the LC football game. She gave me a bunch of stuff. I thought those were hot dogs. I thought those were smelling hot dogs. Those are pipes?

Fuck, dude. You must have been on cocaine when you thought that. Who's your friend? Everyone's my friend at the tailgate. Somers now faces possession charges for drugs and paraphernalia. Some teachers, math intervention and Westside Middle School, has been teaching for more than a decade.

Oh, sorry, Somers teaches, so she's been there for a decade. In a statement, the East Baton Rouge Parish public school system said, this behavior is not condoned by our district. What if they has come out and said, fucking... We're on her side on this one. Where are the drugs? Give them back. Rude.

She's a great teacher. Give her the drugs. Give her the drugs back. Let her live her life. Boo. That's their public statement? Boo. Bo. Headline just says Boo. Bo, fuck the police. This behavior is not condoned by our district

and we remain committed to maintaining a safe, secure and drug fee environment for all students and staff. So they're going on to handle this. Statements are very funny to me. They are.

In every form. We just want to be clear we don't support this our employee doing this. Then you read this story and it's like, man, publicly kills, 17 women in the cubicle at a TV station.

Hey, we don't support that. We're going to keep doing our best, provide a safe work experience for all of our employees, and we do not contone mass murder of any kind. If you have any further questions, talk about lawyer. And the funny thing is, is that statement, everyone moves past it. All you got to do is apologize and make a statement,

and everyone just forgets. It doesn't say exactly how this went down, But I like to picture it was, you know, when you're a kid, elementary school, and they'd bring the dog, like the police dogs to school. So you get to meet them and blah, blah, blah. I picture it was one of those. And they're coming in to, like, show off the drug-sniffing dog to the kids and everyone's happy. And the dog just fucking looks at the teacher. Just walk, right.

And he's, she's like, fuck. Not even barks at her. They bring her in. And all the kids are like, yay. And the teachers up there. And the dog starts looking at her. She's like, she's like, she's a good look. She's looking at, she jumps out the window of a third-story building.

Or grabs her purse and jumps out the window. The officer's like, what the fuck? Well, she's guilty. Take it from here. Happens all the time. I'm visualizing like the teacher, the dog stops and looks at her, and she's like, oh, shit. And then he just, like, walks up to her and starts sniffing around her. And she's like, ha, ha, ha, like trying to play it cool in front of the class.

Oh, he must really like me. He must smell my dog. dog. This purse is leather. It must be that. Does this dog get cocaine confused with leather? He's just like, no. That's his sole job is to...

There's a first time for everything, right? Leather confuses everybody. Even dogs can make mistakes. Even dogs can make mistakes. Right, officer? Like sliding him a hundred bucks. He's rolled up, a rolled up hundred bucks. With cocaine all over it?

He all over it. She has cocaine all over her nose. Right officer? Right officer. Because sometimes it's better to kill. Keep a secret. Don't take everything for me. This is supposed to be a fun day.

Not a bad day. It feels so bad. Someone building up their entire life and their future. And they're like at a school. Yeah. And like all that response to have it just come crumbling down. Just snorted right up your nose. Mm-hmm.

I mean, it happens to the best of us. Yeah, it happens to the best one, dude. All right. All right. For the golden geese. Daniel. Spatz, Matt Johnston, Daniel Collier, Matthew Leonard, Jason Cleaser, Donald Fisher, Jordan Halalere, the Sofa King, Neil Diafia Yenny, Maggie Stokis, the fire.

I think we nailed it today. Yeah. Stokis. Yeah, we didn't miss any of those names. Big thanks, of course, to the Golden Geese. That is that $100 tier. we send you guys personal thank you things we actually talked about it on the pond in the Patreon

the last little live episode and asked if we should expand it and people said yes so we'll kick it around we still want it to make it or want to make sure it feels you know exclusive not inclusive and not just have it be this never-ending thing we want it to be kind of a fun thing kind of hard to get so we're trying to weigh our options on how best to balance that all right you ready to move off to lap time

fuck yeah dude all right here's that Hey, little chitrans, why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zach's lap. Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little chits. Give our voice and rest. Give it a rest. And give my butt a tug.

That deep sensual voice take over. How do you tug a butt? It's a vacuum. A cold question. And it's with a vacuum. That's up there with like, if a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it doesn't make a sound. next in line is how do you tug a butt with a plunger or a vacuum okay pink suck all right you guys ready for some counterintuitive fact toys i am because i'm not

sure i know what it means well let's take a look at here's an example so if you're trying to save big game animals for example from creatures the weird thing about it is is that a bunch of rich people will pay to hunt a few of those animals and that a very expensive cost goes into protecting against poachers. So if you're trying to protect endangered animals, you have to let rich cunt a few of them. And that's counterintuitive to saving the wildlife. And that's the planet that you live on. Is it the kill the one to save a few type of thing? What's that? Is it the kill one to save many type of the Hitler thing? And maybe not that last part, but yes. Whoa. Kill Hitler to save a bunch of people. Yeah. That's kill the baby. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I

I'm curious that I think this counterintuitive facts segment is going to be another reason why you should go with the aliens and fly around the universe. I think so. It might change my mind. The endangered animal one is probably the worst one in this list. So there's that one that we all have to cope with. Okay. You know, here's a simple one that we've talked about on the show before, that the Earth is not a perfect sphere, despite all of us thinking that it is. Yeah, it's a little squished.

Yeah, it's an oblate, oblate spheroid. So it's flat. nerd yeah it's flattened up the poles and bulging at the equator fuck it's because the spin is so fucking fast and people imagine the earth is a perfectly round ball like a globe just because it's easy to show a globe yeah but it's also we've talked about this before the highest peak the highest mountain peak and the lowest you know the marianus trench if you were to look at those away it's still as smooth as a cue ball right planet you zoom out far enough but we're still not a perfect sphere yeah so that's something that you know most of us here

and Ken, you don't know that, because we've talked about it. Do they make, I'm sure they do, there's a lot of scientific people out there, but, you know, like, the standard globe that we know from all of the classrooms, all of the libraries, do they make one that's just a fucking piece of shit? That's a bulgy. You just spin it, it's like, br-blum-h-h-h-h-h-rub. They need to. Yeah. What if they made a flat one that's like a flat square? I would buy it.

And you spin it. Like a sawdisk. Yeah. I would buy the flat realm. Okay. Glob, not globe. All right, this one's kind of interesting. Water can freeze faster than cold water.

Yeah, I knew that one. Yeah. That's hard to believe. It is. I can't pronounce this. It's M-T-A-M-P-E-M-B-A effect. M-P-M-B-A effect. M-P-M-B-A effect.

Shows the hot water can freeze faster than cold water under certain circumstances. Okay. So that's kind of weird. That is weird. Because none of us, I'd never thought of that. Yeah, that doesn't make sense. Thermodynamics is a mystery. We've talked about this one a little bit before, as I warned you on your birthday,

But studies show that you have a 14% higher chance of dying on your birthday due to stress, over indulgence, or psychological factors. Oh. Because you think makes you think about your mortality or something. You're like, I am getting old. Or you drink too much. Yeah. Go too hard. There you go.

Well, birthdays are associated with celebration, not, you know, fucking yourself up. Yeah. So people. There's a difference? No. I thought those were the same thing. What? You guys are telling me that you guys celebrate without getting fucking obliterated? Hmm. Huh. Yeah. I'll be damned.

I'll be damned. Wack. That's fucking crazy. Here's another one that's kind of interesting. Bananas are radioactive. Yay. They contain potassium minus 40, negative 40, a naturally radioactive isotope emitting low levels of radiation. Why it's counterintuitive, fruit is seen as wholesome, not radioactive, like nuclear waste. Yeah. Radioactive. But radio, but the whole planet's radioactive.

Yeah. I was going to say, if we're drawing the line of bananas, it's got to be, it's just got to be some really bad shit that's way worse than shoving some radioactive banana in your mouth. Well, you guys fly in airplanes a lot. There's a ton of radioactivity when you fly on an airplane. You know, if you go hiking in the mountains, mountains are full of radioactivity because all of them elements and stuff.

I love the idea of using that as part of the... A reason why I don't go hiking? A reason, yeah, it's like, you know, It's like, you know, you shouldn't eat red meat because it'll, it's bad for your heart, like that old saying or whatever. It's like, you know, you shouldn't go hiking because you'll get radioactive and you can get radiation sickness and die. You sure it's not because you're out of shape? No, it's because it's the fucking mountains full of radioactive material. All right.

Whatever's going to keep you from doing anything. Have fun. Yeah. Well, pack some snacks, but don't pack a fucking banana. Yeah, banana. Eating a banana on the fucking banana. A lot of mountains, dude. If you flew out there.

You might as well go hang on Chernobyl. Here, take this cancer. Jeez, good luck, loser. I'll be here in front of my TV with my phone at my hand. Oh, the things we tell ourselves. Oh, boy. I just don't go where bears live. This next one.

Not because they're radioactive, because they're mall you. Yeah, they probably are radioactive. Don't eat the meat. This one, I think everybody knows this one, but it's interesting. The placebo effect can actually heal. So believing in a fake treatment can improve. your health outcomes due to psychological effects. Yeah.

And so why is it counterintuitive healing without active ingredients defies the expectations that people, I mean, doctors are scientists. And they're like, what the fuck does this woo-woo shit that just happen? But it happens all the time in it, and people just don't understand the mind's role in health. Yeah. And, but it's demonstrably true. I don't, I'm sure I could have, I could have brought this up.

I swear to God, I don't mean to say this every single fucking week. But here we are. And I've been podcasting and this show and everything for. so long. I don't know what the fuck I've talked about. But I don't know if I've shared with you guys, my favorite placebo experiment was, I don't know the details about like who did it and when it was exactly. But there was a like a control group and, you know, the whole thing was going on placebo effect. And it was about maids at a hotel. So they had one group that like was just doing maid work. And they had another group that was told to treat.

it like a workout. So same job, but one was saying how much of being a maid is such a really good workout for you. So treat it like you're doing that. So they're both doing the exact same job and the ones that were told it was a workout lost like 10 pounds and the other ones didn't lose any weight. And probably didn't hate it either. And it was just a mindset of like, okay, this is just my job, but now I refocus it and turn it into now it can be a healthy activity for me. And it was the same work and they lost like a ton of weight. Like that is, that's, that's crazy. Your mind is everything. When I was in seventh grade, my grandfather was a all-state New York

football player. And I was seventh grade and I was getting beat up by the eighth graders because I was big, but I was younger than them. And I was scared every single time to go to practice. And then he just told me, he's like, you know, the people that get hurt the most are the ones that are scared. And that little shift of mindset, I went on to be, you know, all-city guy and I love football, got scholarships and shit. And it was because of him saying that shit and my brain flipping to where I became, instead of afraid, I was like, fuck it, I'm excited. And I don't know why. It helps at your 8-3.

It did help. And probably like 250 pounds of ripped muscle about them. Honestly, though, I played against like three NFL guys. They just beat the shit out of me on purpose. I don't know. I was just trying to be an asshole. It didn't work. Well, no, I mean, you're consistently.

I mean, consistently falling short on trying to be mean. That's fair. You suck at being a dick. Yeah, well, you know what? You're dumb. You're too nice to be a dick. You suck at it. I'm trying.

I think, so like, I think my anxiety shit like that, I got on, I didn't know what the fuck was wrong with me. And I, and I came down to it. I was like, I'm going to go to the doctor. And they kind of confirmed, you just like anxiety, whatever, got on medication and things settled down. And this is like when we were first starting the show. Like, I was a member, I was a, I'll never forget.

I was a fucking wreck. I was like, what have I done? What am I getting into? Yeah, dude. It was not good. I was not in a good place. psychologically mentally and uh but i knew like in my i knew deep in my gut or whatever like if i just had it diagnosed and was on medication and then started understanding what

fucking anxiety was that i knew i i could figure it out so like i weaned off the medication and just knowing that my i wasn't having a heart attack or wasn't having medical issues I could cope with the fucking anxiety at that. And so it was like my brain telling, it was like, okay, I know that it's nothing. And that allowed me to like find, get off the medication. So I didn't need to take anything because my brain knew now rationally that nothing was wrong. Right. And it's crazy.

Like you think you need something. And it did help for a bit until my brain could say, no, you don't need that anymore. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucked up. Our brains are crazy. They're fun, aren't they? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. How about this? How afraid of sharks are you guys? Well, living here, zero. If you're on the beach, if you're in Australia, and there's great wards in the water. I would say a reasonable fear of knowing what a shark can do to you makes me scared, but I'm not like, I'm not like fucking terrified of sharks. Right. How scared of you are, of you? How scared of cows are you? Not an all scared. Right. Zero. Okay, well, zero percent scared of cows.

More cow deaths than shark death? Yes, they are. Sharks are less dangerous than cows. Cows cause more human deaths about 20 annually than sharks about one. Oh, God. So sharks are feared as predators. Well, cows are just delicious and harmless, but they actually fuck us up pretty good. Yeah, until they kick you in the fucking teeth.

That's right. I got one. Quit grab my nipples. I had to grab this one for you, Joe, because I know you love the game show stuff. What? This is called the... I've been weaning off of it, by the way, guys. I'm doing better.

All right, well, fuck this, and I'm not doing this one. Okay. Now back to you. This is called the Monty Hall problem. So in a game show, with three doors, switching doors after one is revealed, doubles your chance of winning two to three versus one to three. Hold on. So if you switch the doors after the first one is revealed, even though you don't know, it's a 50-50 chance. It doubles your chance. I know.

Why it's counterintuitive. Your intuition suggests that 50-50 is what you're going to get. Yeah. Makes sense. But it's not. So three doors, and you're like, open one, and it opens it and you get to continue because you didn't pick the zonk or whatever. Right. And it continues.

And then the whole time you were like two and then you switch and you're like, nah, never mind three. Yep. It makes it so you have a better chance of winning. You think that works because that's how a deal or no deal ends or they implemented that like through the seasons? I think originally you had the case, right? And you were stuck with it. And then later they added at the very last second, you could swap it. I wonder if that still plays in.

It just seems like, how could it not be a 50-50 fucking chance? I know, but math. You get into the, what, solve for X, and then it gets into different stuff. Sol for X, you solve it. It's just Howie Mandel. And you're like, what? Dude, that's also determined whether you fucking jump off a bridge. If you had the 500K briefcase and you swapped it for the $2 briefcase, oh God, yeah.

Yeah. Like, how could you fucking go on? Another game show? You're like, no, how could you go on and without jumping off a fucking bridge, knowing you had it? and you're like, something told me to fuck, or like your family member was like swap, swap! You're like, you shared like, yeah! And you get two bucks?

Murder suicide. See? I would kill my wife and then myself. Another reason to go on that fucking UFO. Yeah. I bet the producers of that show have dealt with a lot of crazy shit like that. Oh, yeah. Real sad, real angry. Yeah, a lot of greed. You don't see that side of the game show network.

The after, the after. Game show, after. Yeah, the game show after. The price is right. is coming on suicidally depressed the aftermath of going on a game show losing it all i would watch that show guarantee there's some crazy stories the interviews it's like so what happened he'd be like fucked it and it just cuts to the next one it's another house in like podunk iowa and just some lady smoking cigarettes like so what'd you have

2.5 million and what happened fucked it how's life going sucks sucks and then another establishing shot of another house in a countryside. So what happened to you? One number off on six billion. What happened? Fucked it. I had one number off. I had all the right numbers and lost my ticket. So you just lost it? Yep.

Fucked it. She's got her oxygen tank sitting next to her. Just click. Ashing directly onto the couch. It doesn't matter. You know any fucking couches I could have had? Fuck. All right. all right well i've got just called fucked it that's the name of it i've got dozens of these so i'm just going to do two more okay oh we got do three or four at least you got more okay fuck yeah all right so this one's the birthday paradox and a lot of people i'm sure have heard this one yeah in a group of 23 people there's a 50% chance that two share the same birthday yeah that's always wild to be yeah with 365 days people are like no you need more people but again solving for x wait how many people sorry in a group of 23 people 23 people two of you

There's a 50% chance to share the same birthday. Okay. And that just doesn't make sense to our brain. How is it a 50% chance that are two people? Well, how does that math work? Let me show you the Pythagorean theorem. A squared plus B squared. Equals C squared.

Pythag. All right, I like this one. Wearing helmets can increase risk taking. Yeah, can. There's been that conversation a ton in the NFL. It's like if you took away all of the armor, then now people won't be doing like crazy. wouldn't be leading with your head exactly yeah the same is with boxing because boxing i think if you were to do bare knuckle stuff you wouldn't they wouldn't get hurt as much because

there's padding they just fucking swing yeah bruise each other's brains real good but there's also crazy people that have no care for their own body and only want to win i wouldn't want to fight against that guy yeah bear knuckle tyson fuck me just your face exploding oh okay back to you well i think you guys get it's the risk compensation theory shows people take bigger risks when feeling safer. So they're ready to go fuck it up. I like this one. Glass is a liquid, sort of.

Yeah. I didn't know that at all. Glass is an amorphous solid with liquid-like molecular disorder, flowing extremely slowly over centuries. So your glass is just sitting there slowly oozing. Yeah, that's why you look at old windows. They're thicker at the bottom than they are at the top. What the fuck, bro?

You guys ever done that? It's like, I remember testing that had an old, like, French door. and definitely all the pains inside were thicker on the bottom than they were at the top of the little pieces of glass. It was crazy. Isn't that crazy? Yeah.

So I'll never look at glasses the same. This one's interesting. I think everyone kind of knows this deep down, but more choices reduces satisfaction. So that's counterintuitive. The paradox of choice shows too many options can lead to decision paralysis and regret. That's it.

Pull the shit out of the merch store. You guys get two shirts. That's it. I mean, I agree, I deal with that fucking shit all the day. Having a bunch of ideas for like a fucking video too many or you can't make up, I can't make up in mind and don't do any of them. You'd rather just have three to pick from? Uh-huh.

Or like a fucking, uh, like as coming from a design background, if you're working with a client, you give them like two, three ideas. And it's like, you got to choose from these three. If you give them a whole bunch, they just, it's crazy. Because you can paint this and this and this. I like this part of this one and that one.

It's like, well, you can't, no, I'm not doing that. Give them three solid ideas, whatever, and then call it. Okay. Yep. So more choices, more problems, I guess. More money, more problems. I like this one, too. Exercise can make you hungry, not thin.

So exercise burns calories, but often increases appetite, potentially offsetting weight loss. People assume exercise directly leads to weight loss. Just sprinting with a twinkie? Yeah. I deserve it. If I saw a guy running while eating Twinkies, I'd be like, whoops. You're going to get a tummy ache. That's going backwards.

Okay. Let's do one more. One more. Do you guys like the smell of rain? Yes. Right? It's beautiful and it makes you smell. It feels like it's clean.

It feels like it's the sign of the new spring or new fall or whatever. The scent of rain comes from bacteria, releasing a smell when wet. So rain is seen as pure, not bacterial. Oh, right. Is it the rain hitting? the ground which has bacteria that makes the smell or is the rain itself

it's hitting the items and then when the bacteria is wet it smells like a wet dog but it's bacteria wet bacteria huh so that's raindrops falling on my amoeba yep exactly so when you smell that you're like that's some sweet ass bacteria dooky that I smell straight up my nose

I love spring well you gotta ruin that because now when I smell that I'm be like oh especially as we head into fall around here it's going to get rainier and I'm just going to want to kill Zach. Well, I got one more for you. Real quick one. Okay.

When you smell that beautiful cut grass smell, uh-huh. That's a smell of race, of grass screaming to each other to warn that danger is coming. What are they going to do about it? Nothing. They're coming out of it. They're cutting at it.

What should I do about it? I don't know. I just figured I'd let you know. I'm just being helpful. That's like locking someone in a house and being like, your house is on fire. What am I supposed to do? Die.

Just letting you know. Just let you know you're going to die soon. Bye. Yeah, and that's not fair. Grass, shut up. Shut up, grass. You're not helping anybody. All right, thanks, Zach.

Welcome. We appreciate that. All right, let's move off to some good news. And this particular story is right here out of beautiful, well, it's not out of Liberty Lake. But it's out of Spokane, Washington. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed.

Yeah! You guys see this one? Yeah, see this story? Yeah, you guys familiar with comedian Drew Lynch? Yeah, yeah. Who popped and made it big. Was it America's Got Talent? I remember.

Because he had the stutter. And I don't know what, it was some show is where he, like, got that stardom and then did what many don't do and is able to turn that into a very successful career. Some of them get that fame in there. He's like, I don't know. But he's always seemed like a sweet guy. Like, he's just high-pitched voice, just kind of like. His laugh. You feel for him, like, he's just kind of like, he's always felt like the underdog type of the guy.

Well, yeah, I mean, doing comedy with a stutter has to be pretty crazy. So anyway, Drew Lynch was at the Spokane Comedy Club. And while he was on stage, an audience member, or, yeah, someone in the audience had a heart attack. And the rest of the audience just jumped into action and saved this guy's life. I'm calling 911. Somebody called. I'm calling 911. Can you imagine if he started stutter?

but he's trying to help he's like somebody call call and they're like what my how many ones um um i don't i can't two five ones you sure it's three nines yeah you sure it's three nines and a one i'm sure if drew here this he'd make him laugh um so they started doing CPR there's a whole video to it uh but i mean he was he's crying on stage oh by the way touching yeah by the way this was sent in by our son Darren um but he started crying on stage as he like watched everyone clear out the room for the paramedics to arrive while they were doing CPR and taking care of this guy and then afterwards he's like god he goes would he say something he's like I feel like an asshole he's like I just spent the last 10 minutes making fun of your city he goes yeah he goes I know we've been making

fun of making jokes about the city but it's cool to see you guys actually come together cut together like that he goes that was amazing and he was just crying And then also in true comedy fashion, he goes, dude, I have the toughest job in the world right now. He's like, I'm not trying to brag, but I have the toughest job in the world right now. To try and keep going. I have to keep going. Trying to be funny after someone just had a heart attack. But then he visited the guy in the hospital with his family for hours.

Yeah. So, I mean, it was definitely a huge moment in his life. And definitely shining a little light on the community that is in Spokane. Because, I mean, we make fun of Spokane plenty, too. Because there are, there's very easy targets. but the people in Spokane we have tons of friends that just come from

it kind of reminds me and I have I've never been there but what I hear and people I've met from like a like Detroit type community you have that bond

where it's just like it's just grind and get through type of thing and Spokane is kind of it's very we've talked about a very prideful city when someone makes it

it's like everybody is like holy shit but we're still holding on to we start Father's Day. Right. Fuck, yeah.

And we're like, we did it. It was us. We're your dad. It's like we didn't see that one coming since Mother's Day already existed. Yeah. But Spokane did it first. Someone was just like, well, we should do dads.

Yeah. Dude, who's this fucking guy? Get him a raise. She's from Spokane. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I mean, Sidney, that was a, when she was starting to break through, it was like, everyone was like, dude. You did it.

You did it. Miles Kennedy, Ryan Sandberg. Yeah. Mark Ripon. Who is the guy? on ESPN. Oh. He was great.

Neil. Neil Everett. Yeah. So he was from Spokane. He's funny. There's a lot. There's a lot. Dude,

the dude from Baywax, the black guy, the drives a four-wheeler. He was on it. I'm pretty sure he's from Spokane. So anyway, if you want to check out that video, we're not going to play it right now.

But look up Drew Lynch, Spokane, heart attack. Just use the keywords. I'm sure it'll pull it up for you. And they did inside. He was on Inside Edition. And he had like a Zoom

call with the family and stuff so they're still keeping in contact yeah i mean that's a powerful experience you're up there just trying making jokes and all of a sudden someone's dying in front of you that's what's crazy though is like everything stops and they save his life there was he's just on the stage watching this happen he's like what he's like

is everything okay and they're like no he's like oh no yeah exactly uh and then you hear people jump they're like i've got compressions they're like all right i'll be your second and they're like you feel like you're in that fucking operating room or whatever and it's like what's cool is there are just people out there in a big setting like that where there's enough people there's probably a few people to know that kind of shit and they didn't like they didn't have a pulse at first and they're like we got a pulse like they

they actually saved his life it wasn't like they just helped him get through it like they brought him back to life yeah on the spot it's one of my favorite hey we're not doomed yeah you love it yeah human solidarity baby we need that right now let's stay on earth yes fuck Let's do things nice for each other. Maybe I will stay. Don't be it. Yeah, you still want to go to outer space? Not after that.

My choice was staying. That's not all right. Yeah, but you had a... You went hard on it. You went hard on it. You were like Neil DeGrasse Tyson over there for like 10 minutes. I think a big part of it is like how the aliens dressed. Like if I have to look at alien dicks while I'm flying around the universe.

Or do they have some cool, like, clothes on? Yeah. So I'm wearing Jankos or something. I'm in. Let's get out of your. Can I hide my kids in your pants? Pants sleeve, pipes, smearer pipes. Hide my kids in your pant.

Yeah, in your pants. Just in your pant. All right, let's move off to something Brian found this week. This is good. All right, Zachy! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! So trying to find something for this And so Sometimes I always be like Crazy products that exist

And all this kind of stuff And yeah it's like you just try to find like weird All sorts of just shit You're like what the fuck Can I drop something really quick? I sent this to you last night I hope that we don't get in trouble for this I found the best website for streaming sports

TVpass.com I'm not going to say it again Okay bye back to you If you heard that It's awesome I'm not going to say it again. I want to get in trouble. Okay, back to you.

So, this might not be cool as that. But I was like, oh, well, what's some crazy websites that are out there that kind of be fun? And I found one called Find the InvisibleCow.com. It sounds pretty straightforward. It's pretty straightforward. So you get this screen. Okay, let's see. And there's some ads on here, that kind of stuff.

So you start the game. Wow. Jesus. Turn it down more. Okay. Okay, so explain what's happening here. So what's happening here is I'm going to move the cursor off. So it's just a white page.

Okay. And it's kind of like the hot and cold game. Oh, okay. If you're getting hotter, you're getting colder. So then, okay. But cow just gets louder and you have, they get to find it. It gets louder and closer together. So the close you get away, a quieter cow, cow, cow.

So animals found globally, we're almost at 90 million. Yeah. Okay. And so you move it, I'm moving the cursor around. Oh. I'm getting closer Down Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.

Oh. Other way? Down? Oh, oh. Left. Come on. Keep moving the way it was going. Back down.

Down, down, down, down, down, down. Other side of... Okay. Down, down, down, down, down. It's going to be... Okay, you've got to find it soon. Oh, they did it. Oh, they found it.

Mooh. Mooh. Mooh. Wow. And I didn't realize this. Joe went and played and kept finding him, and it changes the animal. Yeah, then you can pick a goat. and he just goes, goat, goat, goat, goat, go, go, go.

I don't know what's next, but elephant, elephant, elephant, elephant. Sounds like a fun one to get to. If you're bored and just looking for something to fucking kill the time. Bad, bat, bat, bat, bat, bad, bad, bad, bad, horse, horse, horse, horse, horse, horse. Can you mention an office space, just that all the time? No. So, horse, horse, horse, horse, horse, horse, horse. Get back to work, Cindy.

I got a fat of the cow! So while we were going back to the marries thing, we were getting and get the kids ready for bed, wife has the kids brushing her teeth and stuff and I'm in the bedroom and I was working on the script and I found this website so there she's in the bathroom kind of like frustrated with the kids because they just weren't listening yeah and so I find his website and I'm trying to it's going cow cow cow cow cow cow cow cow cow and she's like what is going on like I'm looking for stuff for the script she's like can you turn it down oh what are the aliens getting here she's getting frustrated the kids are not listening

in the other rooms going, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow, come, cow, come, come, come, come, come in it, never going to come in it, never going to come in it, never going to come in it. Yeah, change that website, will the browns be good this year.com? And he's goes, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And you click on, he just goes, no. All right, move off to some emails, Zach, please. Hey, you guys. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. Wow. Wow. Our first email coming in from our son, Russell, who is under attack again. Hmm. He writes, good morning, guys. Good morning. I rode in last year with a hot air balloon

when a hot air balloon crashed into my dad's field behind his house. It was traumatic all the way around. I'm listening to Survey, Astronaut, Excel, Disabilities right now walking out the door on the way to work and I literally just heard the last sound you hear right before you die in a hot air balloon. The roar of a propane death flame. Sure is shit. There's a hot air balloon

coming down hot in the back. field. What the fuck? Again? I turn to my left and another one is coming down. Hot in the neighbor's field. My God, it's raining hot air balloons. Run for your life, Russ!

Run! Run! Doug! Run! Fuck, Doug! Fuck! A Red Ford pickup truck drove down the lane and asked me it was okay if it landed there because it was coming down and I said, yeah, man, I guess. Sounds like a lot of choice here. Yeah. Looks like, hey, it looks don't have much of a choice in the matter. It's all muddy as fuck because they've been irrigating this week. Picks attached. Guys be safe from going up in the hot air balloon thing. Seriously, seriously, consider getting a couple parachutes when you go up just in case. I would feel better about it. I've seen it twice in two years now. Hold on, Russ. Whoever reads us on air, you did a hell of a job. Thank you. First of all, Russ, they didn't crash. They landed. Let's not scare Brian. Let's say crash landed. No, every landing is a crash landing at a hot air balloon. Yeah, that's the fun of it

That doesn't help sell it I gotta say Yeah, okay Well, this was a safe As far as hot air balloon landing go This is about as safe as a good Oh these some picks from the Nice open

Field but there you go So heading out to work and just seeing that Looks terrifying Which is kind of fun I mean they are pretty Look how good I mean they're goofy as shit They are goofy shit But they're still terrifying

Somebody up there Somebody up there is like Hello down there Mind if we land there We're out of flame We got no more flame No more flame No more hot

No more up We're coming down Down only Down only Have a good day at work It's like dying In a goofy thing Would be an extra bad way to die

And a perfect way to die If you have a can you don't podcast You die in a Garfield Fucking balloon It's like I don't know Yeah I mean I get it All right Brian you want to read the second one

What kind of music you want This one There we go I guess he's got no choice It's going down. Our second email, making its way from over a large mass of water, sent in by our daughter,

Sarah. Going back over the pond again. Yeah, you get it. Daddy Joe, Daddy, Boyan, and Uncle Zach, please say cunt from you, Zach. Fucking cut. I love how much you say it. Not how much you say it. I love how you say it. Say it again one more time, Zach.

Don't be a cunt. Say it, say it the way she wants you to say it. You cunt? There it is. I don't know if that's it or not. That's got to be. Yeah, it, yeah. That one felt more natural. You can't say cunt in a low voice. You can't.

Yeah, this doesn't sound. Easy. Not good. It's got to be in a cunt. Duke Nukum. I love our English listeners. They're very used to the word cunt. Here in America, we're still having a hard time.

Oh, yeah. It's just a, yeah, fuck. Why are you being a cunt? Right. Cunt's not a word you hear in sexy talk very much. No, I'm going to, I'm going to ply your cunt. It just sounds like an insult. You're like, whoa.

Too far. Let me get a little bit of that cunt. I'm going to lick your cunt. That doesn't they. I'm gonna come in your cunt. Coming in the cunt. I'm a silly goose now. Welcome aboard!

Hi! Excited to get involved on Patreon and bring some good old British humor to the gaggle. Okay. Just listening to the role play, Max Salad, Flare Gun ticket app, had to write in about the exotic meats. All right. Had to tell you that I recently went to Croatia on holiday in northern parts and local restaurants have bear steaks on the menu. No one to shy away from trying new foods.

I had to give it a guard. It was good. Really good. Like somewhere between lamb and beef. Fair? Bear is good. Yeah. We also got some cured bear meat to try and it paired well with the soft cheese like brie and cranberry sauce.

Delicious. I've been to Africa and eaten zebra, antelope and all kinds of weird seafood. You're saving them from the poacher. That's right, brother. Me and my dad love a weird food challenge, and since I keep reptiles as pets, we have dared each other to eat their live food, locust, crickets, and mealworms. Alive, not delicious. That sounds interesting. Sounds not delicious.

P.S. I'm fat! Would you try human meat? Not in a life or death situation, but if it's completely legal and above board, would you try it? Hawk! Your overweight daughter, Sarah. Oh, thanks Sarah. I love you, Sarah. Yeah.

Just let me fat! I can't say I wouldn't try human meat. Like, if I wasn't buying it off a black market, like, eating it. Dude, that's, you bring, let's bring the psychological, the brain effect back into this. If you knew you're eating human, that wouldn't bother you. They wouldn't mind. There's a restaurant in California. You can just eat human meat?

Yeah, I'm not sure if it's still open, but yeah. It doesn't seem like it would. no it was legal because if you donate your body to it oh yeah then you can eat it and people can enjoy your delicious flesh that's weird it would take a little bit when you brought in that cougar meat um even though it tasted exactly like slimy i've had in the past yeah mentally it felt a little different thinking it was cougar

your body heard that and was like oh you know it was kind of like it kind of made me like little gaggy even though it tasted exactly the same knowing that it was cougar meat made it A little different. It felt it just was a little different. That's how it was for Bear with me, too. Both of those, I was kind of like, but this is not an animal you're supposed to eat.

It's like eating a horse. Yeah, this isn't on a menu. Fucking Mick Bear. It was weird. Yeah, the Mick Cougar. Yeah, I don't know. 20-piece Cougar McNuggets. Just visualizing.

Like, what if they, okay, let's say you go to this restaurant that you're talking about, and they have a menu and they have a picture of the person. that donated their body. And his name's Ted. Was Ted Free Ranch? You're like eating Ted's calf. Yeah. Pay extra.

Pay extra for like the tenderloin. I think I'd pay extra not to see Ted's face. Ted went to college. Ted had an education. Ted died in a drunk driving accident. But it says how he died. How he died. And how active he was.

Ted mowed over a family. Drink and driving. Enjoy this. beautiful Ted tenderloin. Oh, Tedderloin? His parents informed us that Ted ran strictly off Checks Mix and Taco Bell. I can taste it.

You can really taste the meat when he'd shout down a nice Ted tenderloin. I think the restaurant's a membership only thing. So you kind of want to check the membership list and be like, who's really into eating people? And everyone's wearing masks to not be seeing that they're eating human. I wouldn't go out of my way, but I would not say

that I wouldn't try it. like in a certain situation because why not you're not a bad person you're just curious I don't know if I'm that curious if I'm out killing somebody because I really want it

that's something a little different to me but if it's showing up it's already cooked and someone just has some human I didn't nothing to do with it but take a little bite I feel like you're relieved of all I guess I'm

I mean I've what I eat now is so much more than what I did growing up you were in chicken nuggets and turkey sandwich kind of guy yeah to chicken strips all the yeah chicken tenders chicken nuggets yeah so spaghetti yeah that a boy um we knew you eat corn but the idea of just like feeling adventurous enough

even to eat zebra would it would it would still be like do i want it do i want to eat i can taste the stripes yeah like i just i get the i get the i'm not seeking it out but if it landed in my lap i can't confidently say I wouldn't try human. I'm not sure. Like if you just gave me... Not like an airplane death. If Zach gave me a wheel, like a roll of cougar meat and I took it home, I still think it would be, it would still be a battle mentally just the idea of just chomping down

on that. So the idea of eating human is still way down the list. What if Zach just fooled us, it wasn't Cougar this whole time and it was actually human? And now you're a whole year after eating it. I mean, I haven't eaten Cougar again. So I'm not going to run out and... Yeah.

Like I said, I'd just go by the regular... If I'm going to eat salami... I'd rather eat just regular salami. I feel like humans all about the dip. You get the right dip, and it'll be fine. Yeah. Catch up. It's always funny in Philadelphia did a whole episode on this.

And one of the jokes they had was white meat versus dark meat. Uh-huh. Like, should I eat the black guy or the white guy? And he's like, it's not that I don't... I'm not racist, but the white guy looks better. I'm just a white meat kind of guy. Yeah. Makes sense.

So, like, does that... Thanksgiving, that's what you're doing? Does that play in? Like, would you rather eat a woman or a man? A kid? What if it was a... Oh, yeah, delicious. Like, they donated, like, an elementary kid.

And you see the picture of the kid? He was mowed over by Ted. But he had bad grades. You're like... You wasn't going to amount to anything anyway. Ugh. You fucking failed P.E. I could taste the failure in this kid.

Do you have any other toddlers on the menu? Fucking... Kevin failed P.E. God, I could taste the fail. I don't want that in my body. I don't want that much let down in my gut. All right, let's move off. We've got to wrap this thing up and get over to the bonus here.

Something you want to see on the show, that email is always open. Send it in to, hey, guys, at can you don't podcast.com. You ever heard of a company closing down their email for, like, nighttime? That's funny. No. Okay. Hawkathons on, as we talked about. Go subscribe on Patreon.

Like we said earlier, we were one away of reaching. you our next goal and then it fell off and we're still sitting about three or so at the time we record this so head over to patreon.com slash candy don't podcast rate and review us wherever you listen to your shows thanks to uncle Zach for producing today's show happy to do it as always I want to get to Zach cam so we need to get moving I know I check out all the things that Zach does at commie.org scatcast.com scotmy dot combe dot social he's working on cards we're not doing anything we're not busy yeah you're right all right so get ready for a Can You Don't Crossover card pack coming here.

Thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on the Facebook. And a reminder of the get-together on November 1st. What's that? Oh, yeah. We haven't even talked about it. No. Let's hit it big next week. Okay.

At the top of the show. All right. All right, you guys, ready to wrap this up? Okay. Put a bow on it. Yeah, all right. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

Longer joke. Okay. I know typically we go with a little one-liner around here, but around these parts. Yeah. Mixing it up for you guys. So a guy walks into a bar, orders himself a drink, and quickly notices a giant barrel full of $20 bills. He asked the bartender, what's that all about? Bartender says, well, it's for a little thing we'd do here called a triathlon.

Finish all three challenges and you get all the money in there. Guy says, triathlon, what's the first challenge? bartender says, Well, you have to knock out our bouncer, Tiny. The guy looks over at Tiny, who looks about 6-8, 300 pounds of muscle, and the muscles have muscles.

Screw that, Dia says the guy, and he orders another drink. After a few more drinks, he asked the bartender, well, what's the second challenge? Bartender says, well, downstairs is the owner's dog, half Pitbull, half Rottweiler. Biggest and meanest dog you ever seen. It's out of Mississippi.

And see, he's got a bad tooth, but everybody here is too scared to really treat them for it. So the second challenge is to pull the bad tooth. Guy says, fuck that shit! And orders another drink. After a few more drinks, he asked the bartender, okay, I got to know. What's the third challenge? Expecting something truly horrific.

Bartender says, well, upstairs is the owner's daughter. She's the most beautiful woman you've ever laid eyes on. But she's never been sexually satisfied. Satisfy her and you get all that cash. Guy's surprised and says, wow, that sounds great. but he's still thinking about Tiny and the dog so he orders another drink after a few more drinks he says

Alright fuck it throws a 20 in the barrel walks over to the bouncer and bam knocks him out cold in one punch bartender is amazed seeing that it's never been happened or it's never happened before he then marches himself downstairs and the previous loud and rumbunctious bar

goes quiet a moment later they hear screaming yelling barking howling and just these horrible sounds as the basement is clearly getting destroyed This goes on for quite a while But eventually it stops The whole bar is so quiet You can hear a pin drop Slowly the guy emerges from the basement

He's covered in blood Clothes are torn off Cut up all to hell He limps to the top of the stairs And yells Alright Where's that bitch with the toothache Oh yeah

He's too drunk You messed it up He did Think he'll get us 20 bucks back at least So he's satisfied Fides the dog, right? That's the joke. Thanks for clarifying that.

You did it. But him saying, now, fuck that! I just had that weird at Silverwood on the last day they were open this year. And a callback for anybody that cares, we were standing in that exact moment

when I was talking about going to the night of the Stars night, which is for all the disabled kids to go out to Silverwood. And that one kid that's standing there like this, like it's a bigger kid with some disability

and Ezra and I were just sitting on the bench right and he looks up at that the roller coaster and it does the corkscrew does the upside down part and he goes oh fuck this do you remember that story oh fuck this because with all these tiny kids around he just walks away and I'm like yes it might have been oh fuck that yeah one of those two I don't quite remember yeah all right sentiment's still the same yeah it's all right off to the bonus stuff we love you guys yeah bye Thank you.