Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Depression. Alabama. Harmonica. Haiku.

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

Let us walk you through an alternative universe... where you are doing back-alley deals with local sperm banks in order to fill a bucket full of semen so you can clean your butthole. We'll explain. Let's talk about that, some crazy sh*t going down in a Sonic parking lot, accidentally buying tickets to see Alabama when you meant to go see Alabama, a depressing village in Japan doing creepy stuff in order to not be sad, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/er8bSPb9ccESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Depression, Alabama, harmonica, haiku. Is there anything more annoying than a key fob battery getting low? That's what I'm going through right now. I don't remember what that's like. Oh, yeah. No, we have my wife. I had to order the whole thing. Yeah. I got Amazon.

There's such weird batteries. Yeah, I got a 10-pack coming. So I'll be sat on key fob batteries for the next couple lifestyle. I'll hand them down. I'll be family heirloom You just can't you can't buy just one. No, that's the thing that sucks is like I just need one and they're like here's 40 Here's 40 for you and your friends. Christmas is coming up. Yep, stocking stuffer key fob key fob bads. Oh my god Spicing it up today I'm wearing a nice Flamingo shirt

Is that because you're going on vacation? Shout out Maybe that's the mood subconsciously I didn't know that Yeah we're recording this on Halloween So we can't really say happy Halloween Because then by the time this comes out It's already a week past that

Well we Well we have a new president Is this Yeah we might As of yesterday We we have a new president is this yeah we might as of yesterday we will have a new president and that's your opinion listen on patreon you'll be one day ahead of the presidency because you're right the episode early right what a weird time ah what's going on it's right in the middle of the patreon release and the regular release run fuck fuck fuck fuck we might need to get a boat we might need to get a boat. We might need to get a boat and get the fuck out of here. Episode 125.

If there's something you want to see on the show, you send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. What we were just talking about with the Patreon thing. Come on over there and check it out. Just take a little peek. Come on over. Come on over, baby. I won't hurt you. Yeah.

Come here, darling. Come on. I just watched that won't hurt you. Yeah. Come here, darling. Come on. I just watched that video again not too long ago. Still creepy as shit. But anyway, you get the bonus content and the early release episodes and some merch discounts and all that stuff. And you sign up at patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. You'll also find a link in the episode description.

We have tons of new merch. I thought you were stroking out over there. Nope. He's had a burp. I was holding him. We have tons of new merch, but before we get there, we have to talk about who won this last giveaway. Yay.

Should we not say his name yet? Should we just call? Just give him a chance to pick up? Mm-hmm. All right. Well, let's see. Let's see if he'll pick up. We're going to FaceTime him live on the show right now.

Let's see if he picks up. Oh, I'm excited. Nope. Unavailable. No. Should we're gonna facetime him live on the show right now let's see if he if he picks up oh this is i'm excited no unavailable no should we record a video for him yeah okay well five we don't need a five second countdown i know god hurry up hi hey matthew matthew cooper we're leaving a message right now you won the giveaway We're going to email you, okay? Congratulations We love you Look for the email, bye That's going to be a funny message for him to get So he won the decision

To either send us something random For us to sign and we'll send it back Or just leave that decision up to us And we'll send it to him What I would do is I would check to make sure I had just one dick. Like if I had a secondary in a tridary, I would probably send the tridary to get signed. Send it in there. Just pop it off and throw it in the mail.

Yep. And we'll send it back. Oh, man. Pop it back in. If whatever shows up has a biohazard label on it, are we opening it? Not here. No. Not it. Not it. No drill. We we opening it? Not here. No. Not it. Not it. No drill. We'll take it down to the river and

use like a robot. If you open it up and it's a dick, yeah, just throw it in. A real dick? Yeah. And if you don't know what we're talking about with the three dicks, then I'm assuming you didn't hear the bonus content last week. Anyway, so we're going to do another merch giveaway. We're just not going to talk about it right now. We have some new merch.

Let's go back to that. We have some sweatshirts. We got some t-shirts. We got another coffee mug in there. We've been meaning to make this one in particular with the gorilla for a long time. The unofficial mascot. Yeah. And then we just talked about jerking off a gorilla.

So we figured why not make a gorilla O-face t-shirt. And then look at the glasses. I know. has this as the cyd in there and then we got like an arcade themed cup and a sweatshirt and then we have a sweatshirt and a t-shirt that just says flong on it i love that green thanks i'm colorblind so i mean fuck me right yeah i picked a good green yeah nice i would have i don't even know if that's green he's like i just I thought I was putting orange on there It looked like old video game Speaking of Did you see the alternate of the flong shirt?

It's that neon green Oh god Yeah neon green with the dark green on it It just says like in retro kind of arcade font It just says F apostrophe long So flong Flong And god damn

I don't know why that's so funny to me. But all that merch is available right now at canyoudontpodcast.com. And again, we'll talk about our next merch giveaway. You guys are going to love it as we head into the holiday season. Holiday. Doing confessions next week. Doing a flong on the show today. You ready for that big ass hog?

And before we get into- I've already been lubed up ready to receive it. Received. And we got a quick little message from our been lubed up. Ready to receive it. Received. And we got a quick little message from our Sky Zoom and son, Eric. He writes, hey guys, your airline pilot kid here. Nice. We're proud of you. Yeah.

Good job. I know I just wrote in recently. Yeah. Good job. Imagine if these really were all of our kids. Yeah. Send money. Yeah. Anyway, birthday's coming up. Can I get five kids. Yeah. Send money. Yeah.

Anyway, birthday's coming up. Can I get five bucks? Yeah, I guess. You're an airline pilot. Like covering this and being like, do you remember Eric? No. No. No idea.

I know I just wrote in recently, but I had to tell you this. Last week, climbing out of Phoenix, we saw some hot air balloons. Damn right you did. They didn't show up on the TCAScas the radar thingy that shows us other aircraft i asked the air traffic controller if he could see the hot air balloons on radar he said not usually no so new fear unlocked jets going 250 to 300 miles an hour there is a speed limit down low have to not hit these things by looking out the window alone. That's so funny. Oh, God, a balloon!

How do you get out of the way? Like, at that point, you just got to run them over, right? You know what I mean? It's like a deer. Yeah. You just got to drive through it. Am I going to swerve and kill my kids, or am I going to take out the deer or the hot air balloon?

Or am I going to take out this wicker casket? Yeah. I mean, they're already going to die. Just put them out of their misery. Yeah. Unrelated, damn it, Brian, your reading has to die. Just put them out of their misery. Yeah. Unrelated. Damn it, Brian. Your reading has gotten worse.

Oh, shit. Love the show. Your escapism and dark humor helps more people than you know. Eric. I just want to think about him flying a commercial airliner with 300 passengers listening to this show. Reading the would-you-rathers to the air traffic controller. Yeah.

He goes, clear to land. He goes, one more question for you. I got a zinger for you. Picture this. So you have a gymnasium full of 100 Helen Kellers with guns, or 50 Stephen Hawking's that can go 25 miles an hour. Which one would you rather do? Excuse me, come again? Yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll try a different one.

We'll try a different one. You have to jerk off a silverback gorilla. You can use your dick, but you have to take it off and keep it on a cord that's extending into the bathroom. Just land your plane, sir. Okay. Roger that. Just bring her in. I don't know.

I'll tell you when you land. Okay. Roger that. Roger that, 10 you land. Okay. Roger that. Roger that, 10-4. Okay. Ready to move on? Yeah, yeah. Get the show rolling.

Speaking of would-you-rathers. Go, Zach, go! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Go, Zach, go! I got it. You want to read this, feller? Well, I don't know now.

Apparently my reading's gotten worse. You're doing okay. Just don't let it get in your head. I was going to say you asshole, but maybe Eric will be my pilot someday. So I don't know if I should do that. No, it's okay. He just crashes the plane because I'm on it. I'll show him.

I'll show him what it's like. Yeah. All right, go fucking dick. All right. From the fucked up mind of our son, Seth. Yes. He's got a mind of our son, Seth. Yes. He's got a mind of... Amy has a butt with our logo tattooed on it.

He does. We appreciate him. Okay. Not a pilot. Not a bomb, not a pilot. So this was kind of a... What would you call it? A mashup, a combo?

Mashup. So Seth sending a couple. Yeah, it gets on a roll sometimes. And his mind is, I don't even know how to describe it. Well, again, he has a tattoo of our logo on his butt. Right. So that's a, I don't think you can paint a better picture of his mind. Yeah.

That's a perfect blueprint where Seth's at a lot of times. True. Yeah. So what we ended up doing is taking like two parts from two different ones yeah mash them together and we're gonna see what we got okay we got a super seth yes yeah super flongs seth flong uh would you rather have to use a bidet that only shoots out semen that's a lot of just semen just spray now and i've never had semen blasted into my butthole a lot i mean there's a lot of people out there that have.

Yeah. Have you ever been blasted by semen in general? My own. Not your own semen. Oh, no. No. I have never been. No friendly fire.

So far. I'm not. Friendly fire. You know. Oh. A little drip on the leg. Whatever. Cum happens, you know.

Yeah, it does. You know. Who knows what situations I'll be in down the road but so far to 39 years i haven't had another penis come on me okay yeah you can't you can't read the future don't knock until you try or or what uh have to eat every meal in front of starving children unable to offer them any food seth fuck seth fuck and you know it's funny it's like as fucked up as both those things were those are just halves of two other parts and i forget what we just as fucked up something about a homeless guy jerking off

jerking off and using a tampon to wipe yeah so, this is what we're going with. This is the combo we've put together. I'm just, I feel so bad. The idea of like sitting there eating like a steak and mashed potatoes. Mm-hmm. And it just. Like the plate, like. Yeah. Squeak, squeak, squeak.

And you're just like. That's what you guys have been doing today. Talking to a group. They're all like just like, they're just sitting there. Yeah. Their heads are down. Like they're just sitting there. Yeah. Their heads are down. Like they're clearly hungry. Just starving.

Starving. You can see their bones through their skin. With that one song playing. In the arms of an angel. And you can't offer them anything. So, and so what are you talking about at that point? Like,

oh, you know, you'd be a, you know, who would love this? you know, who would love this? You know, who would love this meal? You guys. Dude, this is, what is that? What do you guys got over there?

What is that? Rice? What is that? Air? What is that? Air? Wind? Is that wind you got over there?

You guys want past the wind? Yeah. Can you blow the flavors in their face? Wind of this meal. Oh man. Some French fries and a Wham Burger. That's tough. Whatever. Like, if I'm watching, like, a murder or a horror movie and kids are getting killed, like, I can't stand that shit.

Like, that's, like, the line for me. I'm like, I don't. Like, there's certain movies that can do it in a way where I'm like, okay, I can keep watching. But as soon as that starts happening, usually I'm like, no, too much. Too much. Agreed. I remember we watched the Genghis Khan show. I don't know.

It was on Netflix, whatever. He, we watched. Just killing a bunch of kids. No, he's like, he was, it was rating doing a bunch of other things. But then he, he suffocates the, the emperor of China, who's like a two-year-old kid. He invites him, and he just goes to hug him. He just squeezes him, and it's just showing him squeezing the life out of this kid. My wife and I were both watching it, and we're like, and we never picked it up after that.

There was just something like, oh, man, that was brutal. We watched people get massacred, but he suffocates a kid no that's where that line is um so the thinking about eating food and just being who i am in front of starving children and not being able to do it but of course the comedy side of like yeah what do you talk about i visualize you having like a napkin too like good day yeah good while you're talking you're wiping some a1 sauce off your out of your mustache good day at school today huh nothing what nothing i get nothing i get nothing from you guys i give you gold you get nothing you have a hard time hearing them over the foil of your baked potato god you open it up the foil it's just steaming coming out of it. You're rubbing butter on there.

If I could, I would give you guys some. Yeah, I can't. I mean, you know that, right? Yeah. I mean, every meal. Does that include snacks? Like, you open the cupboard, you grab out, like, some Doritos, and you close the cupboard, and there's three starving kids there, and you're just like...

Oh, like, even at your house? Yeah, you're like... Midnight snack. You come down, you just... You come down, was like, even at your house. Yeah. He's like midnight snack. You come down, he was, you come down, like heat up some Thanksgiving leftovers. And then they had them grabbing Turkey.

Microphone, the microphone, the microwave beeps, you open it up. And then as soon as you close it behind the microwave door, it's just three kids, starving kids. You see the reflection in the,

in the glass as you shut it, turn around. You're like, what do you want? How could you ever enjoy? Shoo. Yeah. Sh it. Turn around, you're like, what do you want? How could you ever enjoy Shoo! Oh my god, dude. Getting that midnight snack

where you're just fucking hungry. You're like, I can't wait. It's just this meal that I had earlier. I get to finish it off and you go to sit down on the couch and you get all your stuff ready and get your drink and you turn on Netflix and and peel the top off a hungry man yeah it's steaming on your hands a little bit yeah and you just look up and in front of the tv like you're trying to

watch a baseball game and in front of the tv it's just five starving kids it's it's the same group you're just like god damn it can you move please yeah yeah i mean after a couple years there's gonna be a problem yeah they're just annoying at that point. Like, look at through the, you can watch me eat, just watch from the deck. Yeah. You pull the blinds down. And you crack them just enough so they can see, and you're like, God. And your whole family's eating.

Oh, yeah, thanks, I mean, Thanksgiving's coming up. Yeah. Your whole family's inside. You're all doing a prayer. Thank you for this bounty, oh Lord. And then outside is a bunch of starving kids wearing your jackets. Like you're trying to be nice. Their hats don't fit.

They didn't say anything about offering them winter gear. You just can't offer them any of the food. That's fucked. And then let's hop over here to the bidet of cum. God. can't offer many of the food um that's fine and then let's let's hop over here to the bidet of cum god so the amount of water you need to have a nice clean butthole that's not all your cum so where's that coming from you get it where's that come from i imagine there's just like a like a reservoir like a hot water tank of semen yeah like people just come over to your house and they just jerk off into a hose and it goes into a reservoir some back alley deal with a sperm bank you got my cum you get all the defective cum you're out back like a secret knock he's like did it did it did it

did and they're like brian's here yeah and they crack the door. And you're like, do you have my bucket of cum? They give you the bucket. They give you one of those little paint cans to pry it open. They give you the little thing that you need for it. You're just driving home and you're like. Yeah, sloshing. And you go home and go in your basement and pop your tin off. And you're just like pouring cum in your bidet.

Cum holder? Fuck. That's some nice viscosity. Do you have my cum? Is my cum ready? Yeah, but I guess. It's 200 bucks. It was only 150 last week.

So not only do you have to use that, you have to pay for it too? Yeah, but I guess it's 200 bucks. It was only 150 last week. So not only do you get have to use that, you have to pay for it, too. Well, I mean, how are you going to get all this come to? I have to poop. Do you have my cup? They donate it. What? Yeah, but they make money off it.

You're going to have you're cutting into their profits. True. Yeah. I mean, unless you're just down like downtown. Well, beautiful downtown Spokane walking around a homeless people ask them to jerk off in a bucket well either that or you just jerk off a lot like every time you jerk off you yeah but no collect it think about how much water you need to thoroughly clean your butthole what's the average amount of cum that comes out of it? It's like a couple teaspoons or tablespoons.

Well, depending on how much you jerk off. You like jerk off all over. You just jerk off into your own butthole? Yeah. No, I couldn't do that, but you might be able to. Yeah. I am a bidet. No.

I am a cum bidet. The lady or the guy that you're with After you finish on their chest And she grabs the towel No no no You get a squeegee Squeegee off her boobs It's rolling off the side of her Oh oh oh

Into a mason jar That you've been collecting Hang on I'll get you a towel I gotta go throw this into my cum bucket into a mason jar that you've been collecting. Hang on, I'll get you a towel. I've got to go throw this into my cum bucket. I don't know why. Yeah, that thought of like, you pull out and you cum on her chest, but then like you haven't washed your butt,

so then you just start rubbing your butthole over her boobs to clean your butt off with your own cum. Yeah! What if she wants to use a bidet slip inside yeah exactly but it's your problem because you have to use the bidet full of cum she she pushes the cum bidet aside and then brings the real one in yeah but it says this isn't like a family thing so there are two bidets in your bathroom a cum bidet and a water once full of cum once full of water his and hers and his and hers and cum and jizz okay jizz and hers jizz and hers oh i don't know ma'am what was the first one again and then wiping and it's just like i mean because it would be somewhat clean it's mostly water or fluid whatever is in there i think if you could mentally get past that

it's come it's come it's like it's just a thicker whether it's yours or not does that make a huge difference would you rather if i would you rather i spit in your mouth or came in your mouth spit in my mouth oh i thought maybe it would be a little bit tougher decision. No. Why? Because one's cum and one's spit? Yeah, but mentally, that's what I'm saying. Like, why is cum so bad and spit's not? Because cum's cum and spit's saliva. One's from your wiener in my mouth and one's you spitting in my mouth? It's not from your wiener, though.

I have to imagine the inside of your wiener is pretty clean. Like, would I rather drink your spit or drink your cum? Yeah. Why are we doing this? I don't know. I mean. This is the worst day of my life. Just, I was just trying to see how hard of a decision that would be.

I think still spit. I'm not drinking your cum. Will you fucking leave me alone? Dude, spit is still gross, too, dude. Grow up. Drink my cum. Yeah. Is that our next t-shirt?

I'll eat a butthole if you eat my cum. What? This seems like a lose-lose. One, you get to lick a butthole, and then I just have to drink your cum? Okay, how about I lick my butthole? How about I use my semen to wash my butt,

and then you eat my butt? How did we get here? I don't know. I think I'm gonna eat in front of starving children. No, no, I'm not. I'm going to clean my butthole of cum. I think I'm going to eat. Big Seth! Yeah, it'll wear off at some point.

You're just like, more cum in my butt. No, no, I mean the kids. Eat in front of the kids. After a while, it'll become normal. Just a normal thing. At a barbecue and the kids are off in the bushes watching you eat a chicken sandwich. They're always just like huddled together watching. Yeah.

And then people are like, what's with the starving kids over there? I don't know, but they're going to disappear as soon as I'm done with this sandwich. Watch. Ready? Let's go. Yeah. It's like back in the future. They start dissolving.

Yeah. I'm picking cum, but Zach, do you have a thing to say? Not really. He's been gross they start dissolving. I'm picking cum butt. Zach, do you have a thing to say? Not really. He's been grossed out over there. Yeah, a little bit. Like me too. I guess cum butt would be less immoral.

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I mean, it's... We got to get out of here. This is too much. Thanks, Zach. I wonder how many people turn the episode off by now. This is too much. What are you picking?

My nose? That's not in there, is your nose oh i'll do come but all right just because just because i don't want you guys to be alone yeah well just because i don't want to seem we can share the same cum reservoir as we wipe our butts all right moving off let's uh what are you thinking about zach hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about? Zach. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? That was a lot even for this show. I think so. Maybe I didn't have my fingerless leather gloves on. Maybe that's why you felt like you had to get out so soon. Yeah. No, it was too much. No one likes that.

All right. I just wasn't prepared for battle No one, no one likes that. All right. I guess I wasn't prepared for battle. Okay. Now I'm ready. All right. What do we got? What do we got here? Okay.

So, um, this was actually sent in from one of our kids, Kyle. Okay. Then it got your, got your brain going a little bit. Yeah, it just made me start to think a little bit. Mm-hmm. Um, so, uh, let's see. Headline. Qantas Airways

Apologizes for R-rated film Oh okay I saw this article But I didn't I didn't click on this When it was inside The script

So But I have seen this I have seen this article So I know where you're going Go ahead So they The Qantas Airways Caused a stir

After broadcasting A slightly racy movie Across an entire flight They apologized To the customers. Basically, it was playing on the screen. Okay. What movie was it?

It's one with Dakota Johnson. Daddy-O follows a woman portrayed by Dakota Johnson. Okay. Who was in the Fifty Shades, right? I never saw that one either. I didn't see it either. But anyway, it was showing nudity and sexual material, brief graphic nudity. So it went down and they were like, this is the movie for everybody.

Yeah. And there was like, sorry. Kids and all. That's pretty funny. Yeah. But yeah. Okay. Got it.

Well, it is funny because I remember sitting next to a guy who was just watching, like had his ipad and was stuck to the thing and it was just like it wasn't stripped uh like showgirls but it was it was like that we're just like is that blatant nudity and he was just like he was like this and he's like he's like huh he's just eating like puffy cheetos yeah cheese puffs Yeah. One of those like giant jars from Walmart of cheese puffs. Watching an N.A. Or whatever it's called. What's it called? Something mature.

M.A. Oh, yeah. M.A. Not N.A. That's not applicable. Yeah. Anyway, so. So funny.

It just got me thinking like the weirdest places you could have an inappropriate video play whether it's you know intentional or accidental right and so let's so let's say like let's say the whoever let's say you're at disneyland something like that and let's say there's a giant screen and it's playing like disney things on a loop or whatever imagine taking your kids to disneyland and it's like there's princesses and doing all this stuff and someone hacks in the computer and puts on like taken three or like so like expect whatever some action movie with tits and hookers and guns is just playing on a massive like kill bill with 200 foot projector screen yeah i mean you could go the porn

route where it's just graphic nudity yeah and and sexual content which is like whoa but you could also do that where you're like yeah it's just this just over the top action graphic heads being lopped off blood spurting, but your kids are at Disneyland. You're standing in line to get a churro, and that's just playing in the background. Human centipede. Yeah. Human centipede.

You're like, let's go get our Fast Pass and get out of here before this next scene. Come on, kids. And it makes me think, what would be the worst place for something like that to happen? Obviously, a place like Disneyland where thousands of people tons of kids but or like more adult thing let's say you're at a funeral and they're gonna play the the video of

the person's life you know but then they play the video and it's just like what if it was a a sex tape that they made like the guy was a part of or something. And he's just like, and she's like, fuck me, fuck me. And then she's sitting there next to her kids in the funeral. And one guy gets in a suit, like,

like wipes a tear. That's a good dick. Yeah. Oh, he's really giving it to her. That's a, that's love right there. Yeah.

Just what can you, Oh, he's really giving it to her. That's love right there. Yeah, just... In the arms! Or a funeral where he gets through the slideshow, and then at the end he goes, and then his favorite movie was Titanic, or whatever, and he just does, and it just starts from the beginning. Three hours. Doesn't say...

And just stands there and stares at the screen. And makes everyone watch a whole movie. And his favorite movie was Despicable 2. I love that. Django. Here you go. Enjoy. I love that.

Yeah, it's like, or like an old Western or something. And just, and the horses come riding over the hill. And the whole time everyone's like, he's not going to play the whole fucking movie, is he? And he's waiting for like. And he just never looks away. Or there's like a shootout. He's kind everyone's like he's not gonna play the whole fucking movie is he waiting for like and he just never looks away or there's like a shootout he's kind of like he's coming he turns and raises eyebrows yeah this little eyebrow he's like he pauses it and he goes this camera work for 1920 is pretty impressive really ahead of their time where they i mean i see why jerry liked it and then just like clicks

the old bullet noise. Bouncing off rocks. Yeah. And then pauses it. That he's like, that's a Appalachian quarter horse, which is Jerry's favorite horse. You can tell by the kind,

the hind quarters. You can tell because of the way it is. There's always a guy up on top of a thing that he falls, like a water tower always falls up. Half a flip. Perfectly behind a wall.

Yep, right on a... So you can't see he's falling onto a path. Perfectly behind a wall. Yep. Right on a... So you can't see these falling onto a path. Yep. So... That's good. Something like that or like a wedding where it's maybe it's the... I don't even... What...

My mind immediately went to, let's say, Riley Reid. Isn't Riley Reid married now? She's the porn star. Oh, I don't know. I don't follow her career. Imagine... You don't follow her career. Imagine. You don't follow her on Twitter? No.

What are she's up to today? Imagine you're at a wedding, and then it's like they play a tape of her past work or something. And the husband's standing right there, who's not in the porn industry. But all of his groomsmen are just like fucking gangbanging his wife yeah all the yeah she's taking seven dicks at once it's everyone but him it's just all the groomsmen he's the cameraman yeah he's the ball shiner zach's zach's uh zach's ball shining shining and yeah zach sack um anyway so good yeah so disneyland funeral uh i mean wedding birthday party retirement party birthday party would be good god it's just

just it's all good but it does remind me and i didn't let it happen but i mean sausage party have you watched sausage party i started it once but i never finished it i mean it's not that good of a movie but the whole point is that it's basically a kids movie cartoon But the jokes and content is all adult stuff. And the cover for it, when it's on Netflix or whatever the hell it's on, Just says sausage party with this happy sausage leaning in and my kids would just beg to watch it. Like what is it? I was like, we're not watching sausage party. I was like, it's not, I was like, we're not watching Sausage Party. I was like, see?

We're on adult. We're on my thing. You're not going to find this in kids. But it looks like it. It's not. It is not. Do not ever watch this movie. I don't know if they ever did.

But for a long time, they would just beg me to watch Sausage Party. Yeah. I mean, it has that really kid face, like that cartoony face where it's like, watch me! And I know I've shared this story, but it reminds me of when I went to watch Joker, the first one, not the new musical one. I never watched that.

Everyone hated it so much, I don't want to even try. But I loved the first Joker movie. And it was over. And it's fucking dark if you've seen it. It's a great movie. And we're walking out of the movie theater. And this mom stands up. She's sitting down.

She stands up. She turns around and looks at these kids that are like 9, 10 years old. And she goes, well, sorry. Because she must have thought it was like a Batman movie. And just sat through the most brutal darkest depression fucking suicide murder ridden movie and he stands up and goes well sorry and the kids are all just still sitting down and i was like fuck yeah just packing up like picking up candy things in the popcorn well sorry oh and then i i mean she i had to have heard me because she said it right in front i

turned the corner i just go gave one of those because I couldn't hold it back yeah yeah there's a lot out there where you don't you always I can't have I don't have a movie

off the top of my head but you forget about the one scene in there you're like this is a funny movie I'm watching with my kids and then you get to a part and you're like

oh yeah fucking totally forgot tits were here whoops i remember watching when i was a kid my dad loved like uh porkies and and revenge of the nerds and stuff like that well yeah that's like and but so yeah i'm like you know 12 years old watching revenge of the nerds with my dad and all of a sudden they're running through the uh sorority house tits out everywhere and stuff the Nerds with my dad. And all of a sudden they're running through the sorority house. Tits out everywhere and stuff. Revenge of the Nerds is that one. We got Bush.

We've got Bush. We've got Bush. Whole half pie. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like. Yeah. Do we say something here? Your dad is probably just like.

Bush. Yeah. That is a hairy pussy. That is a hairy Bush. That's how we used to like it back then. Fist bump. Yeah. Bonk. Yeah. That is a hairy pussy. That is a hairy bush, dude. That's how we used to like it back then. Fist bump. Yeah. Bonk.

Yeah, pretty good. Anyway, I'm sure you can think of... Yeah, if you have examples of movies that everything's fine except for one scene for kids, send them our way. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com, we'd love to feature some of those so parents out there can... Our kids can show our grandkids. Yeah, or steer clear of it.

Yeah, and mess them up for life. Yeah. Ready for the flong? Mm-hmm. All right, let's gape. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick. I got nothing back from Matthew Cooper yet. Hopefully he likes our message, though. Do you want to take this first story? Sure. Alright, take it away. This was kind of weird. Yeah? Outnumbered by puppets,

depopulated village in Japan crafts dolls for sense of life. Look at the picture. This is a very Japan thing. Wait, am I... I think Zach's on your screen. What the hell? Are you plugged in? Yes.

Oh. Oh, God! You just got that same ad. Okay. So look at the picture. There we go. Okay. So those are just everywhere.

Not creepy at all. Seriously, it's like a horror movie. Yeah. These puppets that we're looking at, they're not... They're like just a couple steps past a scarecrow. Mm-hmm. It's like if a scarecrow... Like someone just put like another hour into making a scarecrow.

I'm not sure what's going on here with this hat. Covering the face? Covering the little girl's face. I don't know. They messed up the nose. Like, you just put the hat over her face. We'll just cover that mess up. Yeah.

All right. With most of the population gone, residents of one village in Japan have come up with a novel plan to make it less lonely. Replacing people with puppets. Fewer than 60 people live in Ichinono, and most of them are past retirement age as younger people have moved away for jobs and education. So using old clothes, fabrics, and mannequins, residents have stitched together their own population of puppets to keep them company. Again, look at

this picture. This is the saddest shit. It's so sad. Some of the puppets ride swings, others push forward firewood carts, smiling eerily at visitors. We're probably outnumbered by puppets hasaya yamazaki an 88 year old widow told the agent's france press news agency do you know how the the quote being we're probably outnumbered yeah there's 60 of you yeah so if you

can count to 60 go count how many puppets there are and get rid of that probably. Because either you are or you're not. Like for your front door, the town is how big for 60 people? Go for a little walk. A little village. If you count more than 60 puppets, then we are outnumbered by puppets. But there's like probably. If they can count any more than their soul.

Like from their front step, they're like, well, I've got three. There's three on my steps Swings Got a couple Yeah one two I mean I can see Eighteen from here So I mean

We're probably outnumbered By puppets That's just me That's just me I mean I haven't left my house In seventy years I'm not about to do it now So

No I mean So if you just leave me And my puppets alone We got dinner to make Squeak sque squeak. Rip their stick out of their little hole. Hole in the porch. Take them inside.

Take them inside. You guys probably look out. It's supposed to rain tonight. Me and my three mannequins are going inside for the night. The next day after a big rainstorm, they're just sopping wet. Sopping wet. Eerily smiling, pushing a firewood cart.

Yeah. Fuck this town. This is scary. Japan has the highest percentage of people at age 65 and over in the world, according to a data released last month by the country's statistics bureau ahead of its respect for the aged day. It probably sounds cooler in Japanese. Yeah. Because, right, that's a It probably sounds cooler in Japanese. Yeah.

Because, right, that's a pretty literal name for a holiday. Yes. While the total population is... Happy respect for the aged day! Yay! Has everyone put their mannequins out? There's a little sign that says that. With mannequins holding the sign?

Yeah. Happy respect of the aged day. While the total population is decreasing, the data show that the population age 65 and over is at a record high of 36.25 million. That's accounts for 30% of the total population.

That seems like a lot of old people. Yeah. So imagine how many puppets are just... How many puppets are about to be out there? Yeah, dude. And puppets make up for 60%. That's so scary. um oh look at this one on the bike okay i can't wait i think it's a real kid isn't it no oh i stopped at the picture before this you see it oh is that not a real kid that's a real kid why is he what's he doing he's doing

there running from the fucking puppet uh is the only child in the tiny depopulated he's the only kid dude and his parents are 90 yep he's the first kid born from mannequin sex yep just positioning your little dolls that you made and just being like come on we need a baby god what a creepy ass tail yeah this one on the bike, is that it? What? That's a puppet That is so freaky Fuck town You know what it looks like? It looks like Fallout

Playing Fallout That's what it reminds me of Like an end-of-the-world situation Where there's one guy that's alive And he's just desperate To feel like he's not alone you see that guy did my screen flicker yeah here you go exactly what is this it's the saddest fruit stand i've ever seen you got some like half-ass bent over lady tied to a tent post

and some kid being like hey he's like right in the middle of a dance move he's doing the electric slide yeah he is slide on in here for a cranberry god look at me look at that one this is god damn it japan i'm pushing fire next you guys should focus on depression there you you go. Look at this one. Maybe we focus on mental health before we tell everyone to make puppets. A tiny head.

And then here's the one kid. In the house village. He's going to grow up normal. Yeah, he is. I don't know what the hell's going on here. Let's go down to the park and play. All the swings are taken.

Well, let's wait. Let's wait. I guess we'll come back tomorrow. And that one puppet on the swing is just like... Still the same face. One glove half fallen off. Just like... Swinging in the same face. One glove half fallen off, like, just, like, swinging in the...

Guys! I mean, fun project. I mean, I get the idea of not feeling lonely, but it... But that's gonna make it worse. Like, for sure. People are gonna wanna visit this village now to see this, too. And they're like, it's so welcoming, we should move here. And they're like, yes,

we need more... Yeah, we need more people. We need more babies. More people, the less puppets we need. need for every baby we get rid of a puppet every new baby they just chuck a puppet in the trash throw it in the furnace yeah yay yeah ceremony 61 that brings our mean average our age average down a half a half a year. Now we have 72 puppets and 62 people. 10 more babies and we're back to even. God.

Anyway. Such a Japan thing. Yeah. All right. Well, I hope you guys are keeping together out there in your village. Here's our next flong. Our piece of dick. Funeral home apologizes after body falls out of hearse on a busy road.

Yes. I mean, movie scene. Well, Jackass did that prank. Yeah. But this is real. They really did it. We're heading to Poland. A funeral home had to apologize after a corpse it was transporting

fell out of a hearse and into traffic. Always something! Late to work? Slam on your brakes? God! Dude, there's a dead corpse in the road. What do you want me to do? Always something! Reminds me of a story I haven't shared yet for the

What are you thinking about? Maybe I'll do it down the road. The Haiti's funeral service in Poland came under fire. Weirdest shoot at the hearse. Hopefully it was bulletproof glass. You'll never drop a dead body again! Is that the Popemobile? Under fire when the

driver was surprised by a white sheet fluttering onto his car window only to push it away to see a body laying in the road. Ta-da! It actually gets better. Oh yeah? Can't wait. The driver initially believed

he hit a person who was crumpled in the middle of the crosswalk. A photo of the body circulated around local media, forcing the funeral home to take accountability. Like they first didn't want to take accountability that's even better i'm gonna bury this that could be anybody yeah that could be anybody yeah anybody anybody anybody anybody's anybody they're like it's your i mean

we think we see your logo your hearse is open and you guys branded the dead body. They have like Phil's funeral home. No. That's not us. Yeah, right. That could be anybody's. Must be a different Phil's funeral home. No, that's you guys. We actually had a branding thing stolen.

Yesterday. Weird timing. It was crazy. i was in the middle of traffic and someone stole it i don't know what they did with it it is with deep regret that we inform you that as a result of an unexpected technical failure of the electric tailgate lock in the hearse during the transport of a body of the deceased an unfortunate event occurred which does not reflect the high standards of our company. Look how many big words they used. We've got to make this sound professional.

It's been like, whoops. Whoops shouldn't happen. Sorry. Our deep empathy towards the families of the deceased and the respect we always show to the deceased. Okay. Yeah, while we brand them. Phil's Funeral Home.

With a coupon code underneath it. Just a marketing stunt. They didn't apologize to the fucking person that was behind. That's what I found funny, is that the guy, the sheet goes on his window, so he's like, what the fuck? It moves away, and there's a dead body. He has to think, I just killed somebody. Like, for a little bit, he thought he killed somebody.

And how great would it be if the dead body was dressed up like a magician? Yeah. The guy's just like, just driving, and then his sheet goes, and he covers his car, and he's like, what the fuck? He rolls his window down and grabs it off, and's a crumpled magician.

He was going to make my car disappear. Nope. Rip it off. Ta-da. Ta-da. The fucking hearse peeling out down the street. Guy runs out, grabs his branding iron. It says a malfunction of the electric tailgate.

Sounds like he bumped a button. It sounds like maybe you didn't close it all the way. Yeah. Well, maybe it did one of those things where it's like, you gotta push the rest of the way. The guy was tall. Yeah. So, like, he was really squishing in. It wasn't made for the casket was like an inch too long.

Mm-hmm. Or, well, to your point, the tailgate moving too slow. Right. Or too fast. Maybe this one moved too fast. Just ripped open. So it ripped open and then...

Also, what happened to the casket? Right? What's happened? Maybe it wasn't in the casket? Right? What's happened? Maybe it wasn't in the casket. Maybe it was free balling. Commando dead body in the back of the hearse. Was it just on a gurney?

So then when it opened up, did the gurney fly out with it? I want some more details. It could have been a black van situation. Could have been a minivan. Yeah. They put my dad in. Yeah. Yeah.

I can see my dad flying out the back of an Astro van. For sure. I mean, they didn't even put all the seats down for him. They didn't want to waste any time. Just get him to the right side when one seat's down. That's where your dad goes. They're trying to push it down like a like a fucking bags in the way he's an uber driver too so he's got my dad's like half sitting up on one sliver of the back of a minivan bye dad so maybe it's that maybe they were blessed with the same situation and the same professional care

that phil's funeral home was taking for this dead body well that's a fun one ready to move on yeah okay i've got a story for you okay let's get drunk okay picture yourself hammer drunk okay like and and then tell me in the drunkest state of mind would you pull off this mistake it's all all in the headline. We'll read the story, but we don't necessarily need to. Wisconsin dad drunkenly buys 14 tickets to Alabama football game. Ends up

being tickets for Alabama the band. Roll time! Oh my god. Oh my god. I guess I'd rather see Alabama, the band than Alabama, the football team. Yeah.

This year, they've already lost a couple of times this year. There's worse mistakes that could have been made. That's for sure. I generally do not know how this video has not gone viral yet because this is top tier dad move. A social media user from Wisconsin shared a hilarious short video detailing that her father allegedly told the family

he bought tickets to the Alabama game. Guess who's going to see the Crimson Tide? Best dad ever! Go Badgers! He's like, Go Badgers! He's from Wisconsin, right? He is. He's so drunk he started rooting for Alabama.

But instead of pulling up to the sea of Crimson Tide, they pulled up to a different stadium of sorts. I fear the tide might not be rolling. Quote. Their father bought tickets to see the legendary Alabama band, not to see the tide on the 50-yard line.

The uploader of the video hilariously captioned the video i fear the tide might not be rolling this dad is either a genius for deceiving his family into thinking he got them football tickets tickets to get them to go enjoy one of the best country bands ever to exist or as he uh or as the uploader said on her screen caption he might have been over served at the time that he purchased the tickets how hammered my dad was when he got his tickets to the Alabama game. After finding this video and appreciating

the total dad move that was pulled, Whiskey Riff reached out to the user to get the full backstory. It can't be just us wondering how some folks from Wisconsin goofed on their ticket purchase, and well, it was because their father thought he was buying tickets to the game, the Alabama-Wisconsin game that took place back on September 14th.

We're from Wisconsin, and he thought he bought tickets to the Badger-Bama game in Madison. He bought 14 tickets, which is so funny. I mean, it's not cheap. No. 14 tickets when he was hammered in Vegas earlier this year. It ended up being the wrong event a month later. I wonder how much... much trouble he was in. I was going to say how much it cost.

He was in Vegas on a bro trip, and he got in trouble. He's like, fuck, how can I make up for this? I know. I'm going to buy 14 tickets to the Alabama football game. If they don't forgive me after that, I don't know what's possible. I might as well not even go home. Right. The wrong event and a month off with a touchscreen. If they don't forgive me after that I don't know what's possible I might as well not even go home Right The wrong event

A month off With a touch screen But hey Like we said earlier Worst mistakes have been made Alabama band knows How to put on a hell of a show So they went to the show right?

Yeah at least they got Their Dixieland delight it says Dads You gotta love them I saw Alabama back At the fair Back in the 90s At Spokane Interstate?

No here At Moses Lake. Moses Lake Fair? Yeah. How the fuck, what's Alabama doing out there? I met somebody from Moses Lake. Did you? This past weekend, yeah. I went to the Seahawks game, which by the time this episode comes out, it was the game

they played the Bills. And it was the worst football game I have ever seen in my life. Especially in person, yet alone. I mean, combining tele... And this is coming from a Browns fan. Okay. That's insane. It was fucking awful.

It was the saddest stadium. And if you know Seahawks fans, usually it's loud and it's crazy and it's fun. It was so sad. Everybody was gone by the fourth quarter. It was nothing but just Bills fans left in the stadium. So I was actually there Friday and part of Saturday. Okay. And I stayed at a hotel right down by Lumen Field.

Which one? Silver Club. Yeah. I always stay there. Walked right by it. Right next to the stadium. We're probably past each other. Could have.

But yeah, a lot of Bills fans there and they were excited And they The mafia travels well And they kicked the shit Out of the Seahawks It could have been 70-3 And I wouldn't have been surprised It was only like 38-3

Because they put in their second string everybody For basically the entire second half But you know I met somebody when I was. It was only like 38 to three because they put in their second string, everybody for basically the entire second half. But you know, anyways, I want to share that. I met somebody when I was there that was from Moses Lake. Uh, they didn't know you. So how old were they? That's the first thing I asked. Cause they mentioned being from Moses Lake, they're 30.

And I was like, probably used to bed outside. Yeah. He was probably knows my brother or something like that. But anyway, just want to share that with you. was his name uh i forget cameron don't know his last name so that's not helpful sorry about that i can look into it if you want to stalk him or something i'm over it anyway super drunk move you ever bought the wrong thing drunk i've boughten i've done some shopping on amazon drunk oh yeah but who hasn't yeah like i think one time i bought like a 15 foot lightning cable

because i was so sick of like having it at the time you're like i i've been bitching about this for a long time and even after i mean i never really regretted it except when you have to travel and you're on an airplane, and the only cable you have is 15 feet long. You stand up, it's like, alright, we're starting our landing. You're like, you get out of your seat and into the aisleway, and throw your cable out.

Wiggle it out. Yeah, get the memory out of it, and just start curling it around your arm. Sir, the seatbelt the seatbelt sign is still on can you help me yeah just give a second can you help me get this coil up

in the overhead bin other dad's like yep one second you guys alright use your back use your back okay ready shove it in there

yeah it's annoying in that sense you didn't have a plug you had to take it up to the pilots you mind if I plug your USB with the cigarette? No, it should fit under the door.

It squeezes under the door, runs right down the aisle to the row 26. So it's great at home, but it was not great for traveling. Right. So there was that. But I remember buying that when I was drunk. Nothing pops in my head, but I know. It's happened. You're just like.

Yeah. Does that make sense? I mean, I think, I'm trying to remember, I've done, I mean, I've just, I've bought like, fuck it. We're talking about buying something expensive that I would never do sober i'd just be like ah i shouldn't do that but let's say it's a concert but it's the right tickets but they're expensive and it's like oh fuck it let's go to the game and you looked at it sober and you're like fuck 300 bucks oh i could tell you what then you get drunk and you're like that'sing events, like going to a Mariners game with some buddies or something, drink a bunch of beer, and buy a $250 coat or something.

Just something I would, like, I don't need this coat. You did in that moment. Yeah. And it's like, $250 for that. But at the time, it made sense. Zach, anything? I bought Woodstock 99 tickets when we were pretty wasted at one point when I was young. And then we, it was in New York, obviously, so, and I'm in Washington, and we did not go.

We bought them early in the summer, and we're like, we're going. It's Woodstock for our generation. And then it came and went. It was Woodstock for our generation, though. Yeah. I watched that shit. Seven Dust stole the day, I think, just throwing that out there. They did.

They kicked ass. Yep. All right the day, I think, just throwing that out there. They did. They kicked ass. Yep. All right. Well, that's our flong. You guys want to take a look at some happy news for this week? Mm-hmm. All right. Let's hit it.

Zah! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, baby! All right.

Yep, baby! Alright. Yeah, baby. You guys know of the infamous problem with McDonald's ice cream machines, right? Oh, yeah. Especially with kids now. You ready to... I mean, it has its own app. It'll cover it all in the article, so maybe I should just fucking read it. But I have some good news for you. So, a broken McDonald's flurry machine, arguably one of life's greatest nuances, has finally been solved thanks to a court ruling.

McDonald's franchises haven't been able to fix their soft-served ice cream machines on their own because manufacturing company Taylor owns the copyright and exclusive rights to fix the machines until now. I didn't know that. Did you guys know that? So it's not just McDonald's being like, like just not fixing it. It's because they had to go through the company and the company was dropping the ball because I'm guessing there's a lot of McDonald's. Why wouldn't McDonald's to say,

fuck you. We're going with someone else. They probably could. I always thought that they owned the company that that's what I thought. There you go. So the United States Copyright Office granted a copyright exemption last week that gives restaurants the right to repair

the machines by bypassing the digital locks that prevented them from being fixed. The inability to make timely fixes has been a bane on customers' existence, so much so that there's a third-party website called McBroken.com that tracks their availability. The exemption, which goes into effect, well, sure, now by the time this article is out or by the time this episode is out, was requested by advocacy group Public Knowledge and repairs website iFixit to allow third parties to circumvent digital locks on the machines for repairs.

Although the full request wasn't granted, commercial restaurants' equipment received a narrow exemption. It goes on to say that looking at McBroken.com, it says broken ice cream machines have been a blemish on McDonald's reputation that even competitors mocked them for it. Have seen that. And perhaps a fix couldn't quickly enough or couldn't come quick enough nearly 15 of ice cream machines are broken as of the time this article was written

according to mcbroken according to mcbroken love that so that mclove i mean that's some that's some good news so i we learned a little bit it's not just just McDonald's being like, fuck it, not fixing it. And then of course there's the, the side where you think they purposely don't do it just to get you. The ice cream just gets you through the door. You're like, well, fuck, I'm already here. I guess I'll get an apple pie, something that costs a little more. They don't have to fix anything. They save on supplies, but it turns out that they, they literally couldn't fix them unless they went through that Taylor company.

Think about how much money that Taylor company is about to lose. And if you, for some reason, know how to fix fucking ice cream machines, this is a great business opportunity. Do you want to open up an ice cream machine fixing company? Sounds terrible. Yeah. fixing machine or ice cream machine fixing company sounds terrible yeah in the article it also mentioned that they looked at the machines and what is broken is super easy repairs like it's just one or two things but they legally could not fix them unless taylor came and did it my youngest loves an eminem mcflurry and so my my oldest loves fries so he we'd always go to like let's go to mcdoll's get some fries

youngest is like hey can i get mcflurry and i'm like we'll see and we went specifically for that and it was broken and his heart was also broken and where was taylor to fix that broken heart i had to do it i had to stitch my son back together and i'm sick of doing that i didn't have it i didn't need any fucking patent or anything yeah oh man all right well off to the next thing we got some we got some funny for you this is a fun one do it the internet is pretty wild depending on on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! All right, what do we got here? This was sent in by someone, and I don't remember who it was. Well, goddammit.

Brian! Fuck me. Fuck, Brian, fuck! You know who you are. Yeah. What is it? What are we doing? It's a...

Keep going. You're doing great. It's a obituary. We have a lot of dead old people talk today. Well, the funny thing is, look at the picture of this guy. Opened up with a semen buffet. Semen buffet? Ew. Well, the funny thing is look at the picture of this guy. Opened up with a semen buffet. Semen buffet. Semen buffet. Oh, God.

That's going to be Seth's next, would you rather? Would you rather go to a fucking red lobster, but everything's cum? Or go to a Texas Roadhouse, but everything's cum? You can go to a Texas Roadhouse, but everything's poop. Love you. Seth.

I do like seafood, but I don't like cum. I don't like cum. Guess I'm going to Sizzler. Anyway, this is an obituary for a fella. Okay. There we go. Look at the picture of this guy. Robert Adolph Boehm.

Okay. Old Bobby Boehm. you go look at the picture of this guy robert adolph boom okay old bobby boom so the what's funny here though what is the obituary okay well i'm gonna read it do you want to read it you go ahead okay if you start having troubles i'll step in uh robert adolph boom in accordance with his lifelong dedication to his own personal brand of decorum muttered his last unintelligible and likely unnecessary curse on october 6 2024 shortly before tripping backward over some stupid motherfucking thing and hitting his head on the floor robert was born in winters texas to the late walter bohm and betty smith after uh after which god immediately and thankfully broke the mold and attempted to cover up the evidence. Raised Catholic.

No, there you go. Raised Catholic. There we go. Robert managed to get his wife, Diane, pregnant three times, fast enough to just barely miss getting drafted into the Vietnam War by fathering Michelle, John, and Charlotte between 67 and 72. Much later, with Robert possibly concerned about the brewing conflict in Grenada,

Charles was born in 1983. Oh, man. This is so good. This lack of military service was probably for the best, as when taking up shooting as a hobby, and in his later years, he managed to blow not one, but two holes in the dash of his own car

on two separate occasions, which unfortunately did not even startle, let alone surprise his dear wife, Diane, who was much accustomed to such happenings in the presence and roof, maintain traffic signs with the city of Amarillo, and eventually becoming a semi-professional truck driver. Not to be confused with a professional semi-truck driver. Robert's attention somewhat counterintuitively drifted to weapons of war, spanning the historical and geographical spectrum of the Adel, Adel, Adel? Adel, Adel? Adel, of 19,000 BC France, to the jambock of 1830s Africa, to the most inagent M1 1891 of World War II era Soviet Union. Whatever the fuck that means.

Whatever just happened. So many examples of these mainstream hobbyist items litter his small Clarendon, Texas apartment that one of them may very well have been the item referenced in his aforementioned eloquent final epitaph. Okay. A man of many interests, Robert, was not

to be entranced by historical weapons alone, but also had a penchant for fashion A man of many interests, Robert was not to be, uh, was not to be entranced. Entranced. Entranced. Oh, by historical weapons alone, but also had a penchant for fashion frequently seen about town wearing latest trend in a homemade leather moccasins, a wide collection of unconventional hats and boldly, boldly mismatched shirts and pants. Robert also kept a wide selection of harmonicas on hand,

not to play personally, but to prompt his beloved dogs to howl continuously to odd hours of the night to entertain his many neighbors. And occasionally to give his many, many grandchildren and great-grandchildren to play loudly during the long road trips with their parents. Earlier this year, in February, God finally showed mercy upon Diane, getting her the hell out of there for some well-earned peace and quiet. Without Diane to gleefully entertain Robert, shifted his creative focus to the entertainment

of you, the fine townspeople of Clarendon, Texas. Over the last eight months, if you have not met Robert or seen his road show yet, you probably would have soon. We have all done our best to enjoy and weather slash weather. Robert's antics up to this point, but he is God's problem. Now Robert's farewell tour will be held Monday, October 14th at 10 a.m.

Memorial park funeral. The family encourages you to dust off whatever outdated and inappropriate combination of clothing you have available to attend a tip jar will be available and the front flowers were all are also accepted oh man and then if you go to the wall there are tons of comments on the wall oh i bet this is this is what i'm talking about. Doesn't have to be all serious. It's hilarious. It's so good. So funny.

Because it's things that are about him. It's not just generic talk. It's like, this is very specific. And I love knowing that it's exactly what Robert would have wanted to happen. Because he's probably just a funny guy. So I'm guessing one of his kids wrote it. So when you went over for the Seahawks game in Seattle, the reason I was there was for a funeral of a girl that I went to, I'd known since we were babies, 40 year old mom

of two died of cancer. And knowing she was going to die she planned her own funeral because you met and so there was like you know i should have let my dad plan his it would have been a beautiful disaster i mean that's the thing right like if let's say you got to plan your own funeral yeah wouldn't you hide little easter eggs in there like little things that would like certain people would pick up on and laugh at and stuff. I have a friend right now who's super outlived his predicted time left on Earth that has done exactly that. He has bands.

He has theatrical dance movements and flash mobs like all this shit planned for you know his celebration of life and he has it all written out he sent like the scripts and everything to everybody to figure out what's going on and he sold all of his shit at the moment he's just kind of traveling around in an rv he wrote a musical basically yeah and then so it's gonna be this huge really fun celebration whenever he does go um but i mean that's just exactly that's his personality that's so great i know that's i it was kind of a it was a somber thing and i remember just thinking like she's setting it up she goes i want everyone to cry yeah i want to cry well she did she had one of the songs she was

like her mom was looking about what she wanted and And she's like, honey, can we not, please not play this song? I will lose it. You know? Fuck you, mom. It's my funeral. I know. Kind of. She did it in a different way.

You planned your own funeral. God. But anyway, I just, I imagined that too. Like, what if I got to plan my own? What if I knew? So like all the little things you could put in there for specific people and. They don't tell anybody, but one person knows to show up at this moment. Yeah.

Like it's a whole thing. Purposely like drop the casket into the hole. So your body's not even in that. And then another car pulls up and then they, they, they bring you down. Bring you down with a drone. Hello. Is this, is a speaker attached to you you it's a pre-prepared hello friends and family or you're not even with a drone you're in a tree your friend shows up and props you up in a tree like you're up in the branches above but no one sees you you have like a camouflaged blanket on you casket falls opens up no one's in there it just says like ha ha ha ha ha and then

spotlights like in the white smoke and then a sheet goes and you're sitting on a tree branch all stiff ha ha ha got you hello kids it's me and your mouth is like kind of moving dude it's so creepy i know almost as creepy as that japanese town yeah yeah i'd rather i mean i'd rather go to that funeral than that fucking village all right let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow. All right, this first email coming in from our son, Andrew, who writes,

Hey, Father Figures. Zach's my favorite. I will be your father figure. The podcast is incredible. Anyways, do you guys ever play adult flash games when you were younger i didn't i was playing like elastomania you remember that one with the motorcycle that had stretchy tires no just missed that one what would be an adult flash game i don't know they're just like like sexy yeah i don't know anime type stuff i know i never did so like cards against

humanity yeah but this website popped back into my head recently, and within five minutes of looking, I found some nonsense. Go read the article under the description for this particular game called End of Sonic Inflation on Newgrounds. Do you guys remember the website Newgrounds? I do remember Newgrounds. It's a bunch of flash games on there. Yeah.

And depending on how you got there through the school computers, sometimes you could play the games, sometimes you couldn't. In case you don't want to go look, I'll help. It's quoted below. Okay, bye. Sexy honk. Go ahead.

Three toots from Zach. You're lucky you got that. And, uh... Oh, there we go. How come it won't fucking play? There it is. And it he said joe i need a stand-up or something dude for real all right i'll start working on that so andrew did put a link to it but like he said he quoted the description below this video or below this game that was made this guy this poor guy is having a fucking meltdown Right in the description of the game here. It says I'm sick and tired of all of it. I can't do this anymore I worked so hard to create my first two sonic inflation games and what do I get?

I never get the recognition I deserve I can spend my whole life working on this series Although I've spent over nine years on it already and you people still wouldn't care about it I was promised the front page, promised my name would be all over the Flash world, and promised that I would change new grounds on everything it stands for. Oh, really quick. Yeah. Sorry. I now understand what Flash games are. I didn't realize it meant

the animation. The animation. Flash. Yeah, the software Flash games. Got it. Got it. Then it goes on to say, to all my fans, the few of you who care, the ones who saw this message i was trying to bring i'm sorry the history of mankind is the instance between two strides taken by a traveler jimberly chaotic so it's a total fucking meltdown so this is a quote by somebody else this is what he wrote in yeah i'm guessing maybe he's the one that made the game. Oh, he's Jimmerly Chaotic. Got it. So he had that whole meltdown, and then it says, edit, 9-2-2015.

It appears that I've been graced with the front page of this game. Finally, the people on Newgrounds can see the trilogy that will enlighten them and teach them about what Shockwave Flash can do when you push it to the limits. Oh, Shockwave. Amen and God bless. You can also download the OST to this game recorded entirely by me. Jimberly chaotic. And then has a link. Just imagining like,

I mean, never made a game, never designed a flash game, but imagining like Moretta makes a music video. And you're like, oh, and you're watching it. And you click on this, like the more info on YouTube.

And it's like, no one fucking cares. I don't even know why I made this. I don't even know what the fuck we're doing anymore. For the few of you that give a shit, I always promised a front page of Reverb Nation. Reverb Nation.

This could change the world. Blah, blah. And then it's like, edit. I got the front page of Reverb Nation Reverb Nation This could change the world Blah blah And then it's like Edit I got the front page of Reverb Nation So I mean this is pretty cool Amen and God bless Yeah

And just leaving it Yeah Not just writing what the fucking game's about But I get it Like putting in that much time And then you release it And it gets buried in the website And you're like

What the fuck am I doing I remember I did That's what I wanted to do when i was in college was be a flash designer yeah um i'm so i made stuff in flash and it i mean you had to learn action script you got to learn the language and all that and then all of a sudden when the ip came out, it didn't work with flash. And so I was like, well, there goes my future. Well, fuck that. HTML5. Thanks, guidance counselor. This will never backfire.

Okay. This is the wave of the future, buddy. Okay, adult older than me. I will trust you. All my friends were told to go learn how to make websites. Idiots. 80 grand. Well, thanks for sharing that, Andrew.

That was, I mean, feel bad for that guy. But I'm glad that he finally got the front page of Newgrounds. I wonder that he opens up the thing and he's on there. That feeling of like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit. It's all worth it. Yeah. I bet you it's still worth it.

Didn't even say like, sorry or anything. Just had a, like, oh, fuck. Oh, shit. It's all worth it. Yeah. I bet you it's still worth it. Didn't even say, like, sorry or anything. Nope. Just had a amen, God bless. Gotta see this game, though. Gotta see it. I know. I tried to look it up. It was making me sign up for a Newgrounds account.

So I was like, nah, not doing it. Homework. We'll do it ourselves. Yeah. Good job. All right. You want to read the next one, Brad Guy? Sure.

Okay. Second email is going back a ways. Sent in by our son, Clayton. Okay. Second email is going back a ways. Sent in by our son Clayton. Okay. Sup pops? Popses? Poppies? Anyway. Popses. Popses. Popsize. You asked about strange

encounters at places such as gas stations, convenience stores, etc. That means etc. Brian. He says. Nailed it. That's fucking hilarious, Clayton. Out for you today. Fuck. I have one for you that happened at a Sonic drive-in.

I was patiently waiting on my food to come out when I saw a big truck pull up and park right behind the truck next to me, leaving it trapped in a girl that looked to me to me about 17 with long black greasy hair and a hoodie on in the middle of july in the south jumped out of the back seat crouches down behind the truck parked next to me and pulls out a sharpie and starts riding on the tailgate of the truck well you're just sitting there eating a flong yeah he's he's like trying to read it Taking a sip of your milkshake. What's this bitch doing? What's going on over here? People skating by.

Doing a twirl. Jumping off the curb. Doing a sidekick. Sick moves, dude. Spread eagle. She stopped halfway through and looked straight at me. And smiled and waved super politely. She does the old lip smile.

Hey there. Then continued to deface the truck. After she finished riding on it, she pulls out a small bottle of red ink, pours it into her hand and rubbed her hands together, then put the print straight on the truck next to her riding. She then jumps back in the truck, lays down the back seat, and they peeled out in the parking lot and down the road. I noticed the truck was empty, so I

hit the big red button and asked if it belonged to someone who worked here. Sure enough, a young guy comes running out, looks at the back of the truck, and immediately goes, that bitch is crazy! I asked him if he knew who would do this, and he said, yeah, it's this bitch from school

And she's just mad at me I've been hitting on her girlfriend And I've seen the way she throws hands I don't want none of that I looked at the damage And she had written something to the effect of Fuck you little bitch Let me see you around town

I'll lay your ass down Nice rhymes Signed with two bloody handprints the bitch wrote a fucking uh threatening haiku anyway sorry for the long email kinda later fuckers that's i mean just a well-oiled machine you know that's not the first time she's done no like she wasn't sitting there being like okay how am i gonna do this she goes what to do. She pulled up and got right to work. Yeah, just do-do-do, like smiling and waving.

It's like, fuck you. That's really casual. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Yeah, in a Sonic parking lot. And then it's like, putting red paint. And he just goes, and then he just goes, gets back, looks at it.

Yeah, looks at it, goes, all right. And then jumps in the back of a truck, lays down, and the car's like, that is not her first rodeo. They should be robbing banks. Fuck yeah, dude.

Not writing threatening haikus. It was like Bonnie and Clyde, but I was going to give her a different name. Connie and Blyde. Nice. Fucking nailed it, dude. Yeah! All right, well, that's show 125. Hell yeah, it is.

Yeah, a lot of fun. Still no message from Matthew Cooper. Should we try to call him one it is. Yeah, a lot of fun. Still no message from Matthew Cooper. Hmm. Should we try to call him one last time? Yeah, sure. I mean, could be at work. I don't know where he lives. Do you know who we are trying to call you right now? In the middle of the day? You don't pick up?

See if he'll pick up this time. This will be sweet. Come on. He had to have gotten the video. He's probably sprinting out of work right now he's just like come on nothing at least he didn't send us straight to voicemail that time

so that's good if you want to get the bonus content on the back end of every show we continue with the madness you can sign up, pick whatever tier is right for you that's patreon.com slash can you donontpodcast. We've got Instagram and Facebook. We'd love your guys' support on there. If you want to see

the video version of the show, you'll find that on YouTube. Check out Scatcast! Don't. Don't? Or do. Okay. I think they should. Either one. Okay. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. Zach does a ton of work all over the place. A million different podcasts, so go check out what he's doing. Go buy

some shit. Rate and review Can You Don't wherever you listen to your podcast. It does really help out the show. If you get there and it has some good ratings. Fuck yeah. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Facebook page. That continues to grow. You ready to wrap this thing up? Put a little bow on it.

Put a bow on it. Zach, put a fucking bow on it. Do it! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Fuck, Zach, fuck! Fucking right. So I got a little joke for you. Okay. I am all ears. A dung beetle walks into the bar and asks,

what do you think he asks? Oh, I think I got it. But I'm not gonna say it. Okay. Is this stool taken? He's a dung beetle. He's a dung beetle, and he does poop stuff. Loves poop. I get it. It's a funny...

Is that what you thought it was? Yeah. Okay. I was going to say, do you mind if I sit on the stool? That's what I was going to say. I was going to say the stool taken, but I knew stool. I mean, we read enough dad jokes every day. The brain just works in dad jokes.

You think, you think about enough poop jokes and things like that. There's a, I have a dad joke ready to go for a thing that I haven't even seen yet. Like Paige is working on an art project and I know what she's working on and she talked about it. And I already made the dad joke for when the art project comes home. Whenever that is. I'm all ready to go. No, I'm not going to spoil it. But that's how dad's brains work.

And this was already a month ago, but when I see it, I already have the dad joke ready to go. Let's be honest. We were like this before we were dads. Yeah, that's true. Now we just have a reason and a label for our comedy. Alright, let's get to the bonus content let's do it