Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Detachable. Chihuahua. Maglite. Blood Vessels.

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

Picture the scariest, top-tier haunted house... now imagine forcing an already scared Chihuahua to go through it with you! haha... man, what a terrible idea. Let's talk about that, accidentally shooting your grandson with a blank to start a wedding, how weird it would be to be saved by a doctor who's dressed up for Halloween, one of the craziest deep sea fish ever, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/uFv5zKf8zvYSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Detachable Chihuahua Maglite Blood Vessels Hey Brian, what you doing over there bud? Just sitting chair, talking mic. Yeah. Putting glove on. Putting glove on. Hand on. Or whatever.

Forgot to put them on. Yeah, that's a sick. For the ones you can't see the video, Brian's wearing a cowboy hat. Yes, sir. Boy, tell you what. God, it looks about as natural as can be. It does. Sexy.

It does. You look like you invented the cowboy hat. Yeah, I did. You did? Yeah, my ancestors. Oh, it's just, it used to be called an Albrandt. Yeah. Back in the day, and then I was like, I just didn't take off.

You didn't take off, so you went with the cowboy hat, which the whole family was not happy with. No, because we lost credit completely. If you look at Wikipedia page, we're just white from the face of the earth. Just gone. Yeah. It says somebody else's name, different entire different century some guy that name starts with a z or something ends with a z unbelievable i don't even know what that means

but it sounded good didn't it yeah it's like everything like uh the albrand family around dinner like does a prayer and fuck the guy unnamed you know he will not name him but which starts with a z and ends with a Z. And everyone's like, yeah, we'd have to do it in German. That's probably why I didn't take off. Yeah. Because they're like, Germans didn't invent cowboy hats. No, no, no.

We have cowboy hats. It keeps the sun out of the eyes. Happy Halloween. Hey, you too. That's what we're doing. We're doing it on this week's show because by the time that this episode comes out, it'll be the day after Halloween and no one wants to celebrate the day after.

That's like doing a Christmas episode. It's the day after. Yeah. Today is not Halloween. No, today's the 20th. Yeah, it'll be before Halloween. That's what I'm saying. But if we did it for the week, because again, we're in a time machine. It would be the 1st of November and be like, Happy Halloween episode!

It's passed. You know like when sometimes when they have like a first of November. Be like, happy Halloween. It's past. You know, like when sometimes when they have like a Halloween party, you're like, do we do before Halloween or after? And sometimes it's like a week before Halloween. But if you wait to the fall, the fall weekend, it's like the day after everyone's already moved on. It's like, God, Halloween's a week away, but it'll be over if we wait. That's right.

You can't wait. Cannot wait. Thanks to everyone who subscribes to us on Patreon. You'll find the link in the episode description. We got that new merch. Thanks to everybody who's picked up the mug.

Sorry, I feel like Sam Elliott or something right now. You're all business over there. Yeah, I got my business hands and my cowboy hat. Got your head business hat. Yeah, business hat,

business hands. Ready to kick a cow in the dick. Yeah. Ready to fight man. Fight the dick yeah ready to fight man fight man sit chair fight man whatever

something like that thanks to everyone who has picked up the I love my daddy's merch we got a merch we got the mugs and then we got the tumbler

which has the solo hot air balloon on fire you can check it all out plus a lot more at canyoudontpodcast.com I don't think you realize you're doing this. For the people that can't see, Joe's wearing a sexy wig, but it's

like a sexy girl wig, but if she would have colored her hair and layered the... It was kind of like a mid 2000s or late 2000s. I don't know. It was like the black on top and the silver. Anyway, but he keeps moving it out of his ear, and I don't know. Yeah. Were they, it was like the black on top and the silver. Yeah.

Anyway, but he keeps moving it out of, out of his ear and I don't think he realizes he's doing it, but it looks like a, that looks natural. Does it look hot? Yeah. Thanks guys. I'm all boned up over here. All right. Riding bone. Riding bone.

Riding bone. Yeah. What are you doing tonight? I don't know. I'm just hoping. Riding bone. It's just like, imagine, imagine like, um, uh, what are the people tonight i don't know i'm just hoping riding bone it's just like imagine imagine like um uh what are the people that have hoes uh area codes ludicrous ah the guy

pimps yeah he's like bitch you're gonna be riding riding dong tonight you're right getting paid riding dong that's it i'll be in my track i slapping bitch. I'm slapping bitch if you don't ride bone. Okay? That's what it is. Okay, let's move on and start the show. All right. Let's get it rolling. Hey, Zach!

Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Just a heads up, though. I'm not going to be able to brush this wig out of my eyes the whole fucking show. Is that your good side? Because you keep doing the left. No, that's the camera side camera side yeah it's the side that keeps falling down he's a professional yeah you gotta showcase the good side everyone has a good side yeah uh okay so this was sent in by our daughter jim and it's quite quite a mouthful it is a gem and it is fun would you

rather have a detachable penis that guarantees an orgasm for your partner, but it needs to be hand washed? There's always a but. Yeah, but it needs to be hand washed using a mild detergent and then air dried for at least an hour after each ejaculation. Okay. Or would you rather have your God given member, but you have a chronic mild yeast infection in your foreskin or any tissue if you're circumcised, while flaccid, that is resistant to any treatment? You just never get rid of it?

It's always there? Always there. So itchy, probably a little smelly. And I found it fascinating that Jim wrote in there, while flaccid. So, does that mean if you get hard, your mild yeast infection goes away? I think it means it's just, she's implying that it's just stationary, it's just always there. So it's not about when you rock hard and then it shows up? I think it's still there.

Okay. I just thought that was interesting. Yeah. Because you could have just stopped that mild yeast infection in your foreskin that is resistant to any treatment. But she put in wild flaccid. Yeah. Looks like it's a magic dick that cures itself when hard. I think, yeah.

What I think she's implying is that it's always there. Okay. Even when it's hard or soft. Okay. So detachable penis. That is a, I mean, that's a nightmare. An hour of air drying. I don't know.

After each ejection, you're just like, oh, like after you come, like, you just go stick it on the counter. I don't think that that's that big of a deal. But if you forget, you're going to forget it. You know you're going to misplace it. Yeah. Like, where the hell is my dick? Yeah. Come on.

Which is a funny sentence. Okay. You'll misplace many things, but your dick. Yeah. That's one you're, you're going to keep track of. You're not, you're going to have air tags. You're going to have whatever, like air cock rings that just to find it. The balls.

Oh yeah. I didn't think about that part. It's like a Bluetooth. Yeah. You would still just have your balls. Yeah. They're just dangling. Yeah.

So. What does that look like? You would, you're, you'd have like your phone and without a dick. Yeah, they're just dangling. What does that look like? You'd have your phone, and it's like, find my dick. Find a dick. Find a dick. And it's not just you. It's all of your friends. You guys have to all share each other's dick location.

Isn't Tinder find a dick already? Yeah, damn close, isn't it? No, but having an air... Well, no more quickies when you're heading out the door, or else you're heading out into the world without your dick, and you just don't worry about it? Well, just, no, just plop it on the roof of your car while you're driving. Talk about an air drive. That's a real air drive. That'll cut down the time in half.

Yeah, it will. God, why is it so weird? Because big dildo, right? We all know what a big dildo looks like. And it has a dildo kind of consistency to it. But if it's just like an actual human dick stuck to the top of your car, have fun in prison, you lunatic.

Lunatic. They're making prosthetics much more real and more real these days. You should see the advancements. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It could be kind of nice to just be able to you know just detach yourself from it a little bit and just kind of give yourself a break it's a little side quest but i'm just wondering if you know that these exist did you know they make like covers for your dicks well um but you put your dick

inside of a dildo and then then you have sex with the thing that's not your dick because you've just been letting people down this whole time. So you basically put like a dick cone over the top of your actual dick. Yeah, it's like an extendo dick. That's a real thing? Yeah, I don't know why that's so funny to me. I did a scat cast skit about a condom that did that, basically.

Yeah. So life is a parody. Does Joe's do the opposite like if you got a condom does it make it not so it it just turns out the the back of their the condom is just a beanie yeah just on the just over the years it's like it's a little hipster guy that works at apple yeah the tiny ones that don't even touch the ears doesn't even go with the ears it's just or it's a yarmulke and we're safe looks like a you got a jewish dick do you have a condom yeah one second but it's we're gonna lose it what do you mean look just

like sitting right on top like this is going to be gone could you imagine like a being like a you're a jewish guy you walk into church and you got to put on a little yarmulke over your penis you go and you're like pop it on one for you and one for me and then go going into your stuff yeah you're just kind of hanging out in there and your yarmulke falls off through your pants we've talked about all of our hearts kind of being in the same spot with uh like having sex it's really the biggest turn on is when you are pleasing the other person right it's not about like i don't think we agreed to that i'm gonna get my fucking nut like that's hard to go in with that mindset it's like you're not having fun it's like then we'll just stop doing it so some people that don't think that way so that's important you

have to take there's a lot of people that don't think that way uh different circle of friends i'm sure but so having the attachable penis you risk losing it and having to wash your dick in mild detergent and then air dry it after every time you come but at least you don't have a like a yeast infection i don't even know who's gonna who's gonna sex or have a good time just reverse it let's not even make it you know because we are all three of us are straight men and like let's say that there's a yeast infection inside the vagina. Like, there's just a lot to deal with. Like, you have to be extra, extra horny just to ignore that smell. And the cricket sound is inserted here.

You guys know what I'm talking about. What if you just get, like, one of those car fresheners? Just hang it on the clip? of those car fresheners? Just hang it on the clip? The pine tree fresheners? Yeah, the pine tree. Vanilla. For your dick?

Yeah. That's really funny. That's a merch item and a half right there. Imagine a girl, she's going to blow you, pulls it down, and she's like, what is this, vanilla? You're welcome. Do not take that off. The bag's not fully on. It's like still halfway off. Yeah, the halfway exposed thing.

I don't even know if that works. I never, remember when you get those? Because they never touch. So now you just have this bag hanging from the top. No, I just used to rip it off. Yeah, people worry like the air's not getting in there. So the more air gets to it, the less longer. I don't know if there's actually any science behind leaving the plastic wrapping halfway on your pine tree somebody listen knows somebody's listening and they know i

know if they've ran the ran the experiment i'm sure it's been done because it's a pretty goofy thing to do that is a really funny like you can have little funny little sayings on your on your tree freshener it just says like i'm I'm sorry, but do not take this off. Do not like a mattress tag. Do not remove by law. Yeah. Why is that? Like,

if you want to, if you want to continue having a good time, do not remove this pine tree air freshener. Do you like being free? Do you like freedom? I think the mattress tags were for stealing and like counterfeiting or something. Okay. Cause I was going to say,

maybe that's a lap time thing where you dive into that but if it's that easy then never mind you know they're they're not for you as the consumer they're for the store because they because they used to just shove whatever the fuck they wanted to inside mattresses yeah i know the answer yeah you can rip it off as the consumer oh okay it's for the so the store can't take it off and then just be like yeah there's gold in here they have to have exactly what's in there that's it was a whole thing i always thought i'd get like if you rip it off all of a sudden police is going to show up at your door brian did you rip your aftersale off shit god damn it get the kids to get your cowboy ass what did you do we're driving road we're driving road we're leaving town that actually makes sense leaving

town leaving town ripping tags driving road popping tags popping tags driving road man i've just because of the the yeast forever yeast infection thing it you can't ever cure it yeah i guess now i'm picturing like you got your dick on a like a retractable leash so you don't leave it behind. Like it's detachable, but it doesn't say you can't. Like a chain wallet. Yeah, they're like a long 90s landline phone. You guys remember those?

The coil cord? And then you'd have houses that they had to hang up the extension part in case the kid wanted to do seven laps around the kitchen and still be able to talk. You just have that thing surgically implanted into where next to your balls. It's like an umbilical cord. It is, for your penis. Pitching that in a meeting.

Is that why it's called the belly? Umbilical cord? Umbilical cord? Is that why? I don't know it sounds pretty good um we'll look into that later um listen things go to you're over there you're looking at mattress tag embellical cord embellical embellical cord i bet you that is um embellish on the story um i don't i don't know i'm trying to think of scenarios where like okay let's say let's say you you rubbed one out or you had sex whatever like i don't know. I'm trying to think of scenarios where, like, okay, let's say you rug moaned out or you had sex, whatever.

Do you really think about your dick for a while? I mean, only for the next, does it matter? Because the next hour. But, I mean, is that really that inconvenient? Because you're going to clean it and neither, you know, like you have a toothbrush thing, like a charger. We have a toothbrush charger in the thing. Yeah. So when I'm done brushing my teeth, I put it on the charger.

Or by the kitchen counter, you have one of those little dry-off things. I'm picturing, like, the comb containers that you have at barbershops, but for your dick. You know, they have the water in the comb? And they pull it up, and all the combs fan out for them. You could have different dicks.

What do I feel like today? Where's that? Goddamn, I'm gonna have to call the dick What do I feel like today? Where's that? God damn, I'm going to have to call the dick farmer. Well, destroy her again. Yeah, destroy her. Don't want to let her down. Guess I'll get the thing I'm not. Going to go with the Mantar 2000.

Yeah. Hey, hon, how many holes do you want filled tonight? Again? Looks like a Mantar night. Looks like it's a Mantar night. No, no,-tar night. Looks like it's a man-tar night. No, no, not a problem. No, it's fine. It's fine.

Sorry, I was just asking. Isn't that like a food commercial? Looks like a something night. Can't believe it's not buttered. Yeah, I can't believe it's not man-tar. Man-tar, Dick. I can't believe this is man-tar you're fucking me with tonight. Sorry.

Sorry. The other one wasn't dry. Yeah. I told you I wasn't ready. It still had the mild detergent on it. That was only 45 minutes ago. I can't use it. I'm going that one just because I think like-

Can you pee when your dick's off? That's another thing. Again, though, unless you're- I mean, how often do you really need your dick? Yeah, I mean, fair. But if you can't pee out of it, it's just going to change your life. You can't drink a bunch of water. No peeing after sex.

Don't go out and get drunk and think you're going to have some sex and then afterwards. You could probably have sex, then go pee, then go wash it. I think you have to take it off immediately after you jet. You're like, oh, and you can't. It detaches itself. It just unhinges. Excuse me? Just going to.

It's like. Hold on. Sorry. It's like the space shuttle. When it gets to space, it detaches and sends the rocket off. Or reverse the cord. You have the retractable leash that is always tugging on your dick. So the second you come, it just goes...

Shoots back to its home. You don't want to be in the way of that. It's like a tape measure. It's like bouncing off all... Bouncing off all your pictures and shit. Knocking glass over. Going back to the charging station. Knocking lamps over.

Yeah, so if you're in the back room having sex, it's coming down the hallway. It's going, flapping everything. Yeah, it's like magnetic. It's like a hood ornament. Hood ornament when you pop it, it's like magnetic. It's like a hood ornament. Hood ornament. When you pop it, it's like.

Oh, yeah. Like the ball head for like a dash. Yes. There it is. Yeah, I'm going with that. I'm going with that. That sounds like fun. Yeah, Robocock.

I mean, yeah. I'm old enough to just. I mean, that just sounds like a new fun spice of life. Let's move on for. Have you ever had a yeast infection? Not yet. No, I haven't. I know that guys can get them, though,

which I didn't know that until actually not too long ago. I think guys don't get things like that because we're always checking out our dicks. Well, yeah. You know what I mean? And it's less... I mean, it's harder to get things in your pee hole

than it is inside of a vagina area to mess up all the stuff. Sure, but I think men are just... Paying more attention? are just paying way more attention to our dongs. What's this? What's this? There's that again.

It's starting to whoop my hell. What's this? Well, you know, it isn't even a chant. Not even before Christmas? Anyone? I don't think I ever saw that. What?

What? That's a goddamn classic. With Jack the Skeleton? Yeah, I remember the movie okay i think we even watched it last year but i fell asleep because i was so bored oh all right well i'm sorry about that sorry to burst your bubble it's fine no problem cowboy all right let's move on you got no problem all right let's move on to the next thing all right all right hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about? You know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Just getting my hair out of my face. So turned on. Go ahead, Brian. I can't even look at you. What is it?

What's the holiday? Halloween? Halloween. Oh, I'm speaking of Halloween I showed you when you got in An album on vinyl That I've wanted since probably Sophomore year of high school

AFI Sing the Sorrow If anyone cares What does AFI stand for? A fire inside That's right I passed I didn't listen to him. I wasn't into the

whiny stuff. Shots fired. At the time. I was listening to metal. Lesser shot fired. Alright. You were listening to Paw Patrol is what you were doing. Yes, I was. True.

What are we doing? I don't know, what are we thinking about? It's a show we're doing, it's a podcast I had a funny idea today Or like a funny thought It was just You know like costumes, how they have The sexy version of this and that Oh absolutely

Or you're out and about at a costume party And you see people in uniforms, whether it's military, police, firefighters, nurses, whatever. Right. And I just got to thinking, what if there was some sort of a crisis? Like you're at a party and there's a crisis going on

and you had to turn. You don't have time to call 911. You just need to get a hold of someone to help you. Who would you be willing to turn to? Who do you think would do the best job at their costume? So, like, some beefcake that's wearing, like, a firefighter costume that's, like, walking around shirtless. Like, your house on fire, can you count on that guy?

Okay. Or... Because he looks more like the stereotypical firefighter type of thing? Is that what you're saying? Well, no, he's just in a, he's just. Is he a firefighter at all? No. Okay, gotcha.

He's just dressed like a sexy firefighter. Yeah, he is. And then you, or you have like the sexy nurse. Mm-hmm. You know, like, but you need, you need, I don't even know what's going on with you. You're, you've got a yeast infection in your penis. Yeah. Something like that.

You just had sex with your penis skyrocketing into the your penis. Yeah. Something like that. You just had sex with your penis skyrocketing into the other room and it's powering itself back up. You need assistance with that. Yeah. Do you think she could help? My fucking,

what's happening? They're just, my left one's going in and out and it's driving me nuts. Oh, well, mess with your clicker over there. Who would you,

like, who would you think, who would you put your trust in? Man, just depending on how they dress? Or like a guy in a who would you put your trust in man just depending on how they dress or like a guy in a police you know he's just some hammered guy but he's like in a police costume yeah but you like say you you need a police officer my brain like it goes to the same like scenario but you know it's the halloween's dress-up party but you need someone in that profession but like you mentioned with uniforms,

just in general, like those things, they have some power, right? Because if you need a cop in, I don't know, the car accident and you're like, help,

help. And he's like, buddy, police officers, I don't police officer. And he's running up the street, but he's fucking Aladdin. He looks like,

or that giant, the dinosaur thing where the heads blow up and around. The one with the aliens carrying somebody. And that guy shows up. He's like, lay down, don't move. Like, what? Picture if you're the guy... If you're like, you need assistance in how scary that is. If the last thing you see an ambulance

rolls up but they all come out dressed like frankenstein or the monster yeah i wasn't going to be the guy then the last thing like you're just coming in and out and you see this guy be like hang in there you're gonna be okay it's a fucking it's harry potter In and out of consciousness. Just, yeah. Oh, my God. Dracula. Hang in there. Or whatever. One, two, three. It's the giant big bird.

Sit still. Bert and Ernie come out of the fucking ambulance. Mario and Luigi. Biggest World Break character. It's like, who's there to help me? It's-a me, Mario.

It's-a me, Mario. No, who is this real? I'm-a Luigi, number one. Jesus Christ. This guy's having

a heart attack. Blake just gushing blood and he's like, woo-hoo! I'll be right back. This guy's dedicated to his fucking costume tonight.

Yeah, he better win something. But yeah, like, in that scenario, oh, well, emergency thing, for whatever reason, you know, when you're on an airplane, is there any, like, are there any nurses or any doctors on the plane?

Yeah, a doctor in the house. For whatever reason, like, he's on to a, he's flying off to a dress-up party. And he stands up and turns around. He's like, I'm a doctor. But he's just dressed like fucking anything that's not a normal person or a doctor. Well, the stereotypical when you buy a doctor costume. You've got all the you've got the stethoscope and everything like like a doctor doesn't travel like that.

Yeah. And then but and then going back to the power of the uniform, let's say that two doctors stand up on this airplane. And they're like, I'm a doctor. At the same time, one of them is wearing a costume doctor outfit. And he's a mediocre doctor. Right? And the other one stands up and turns around. And he's dressed like Dale Earnhardt.

Right? And he just, like, stands up with all his racing gear on. And he's a really good doctor. But he's intimidating. But no one's. I would be like, give me on, and he's a really good doctor. But he's intimidating. But no one's— He's intimidating. I would be like, give me the one that looks like a doctor. Yeah.

Because the best one ever, if he's in a NASCAR uniform, I'd be like, I don't think so. Yeah. And then you would die. Yeah. I'd be like, I don't know, man. Well, that's the whole thing. If uniforms didn't exist, what a crazy world that would be. I'm an officer.

And you're like, are you? Yeah. Show me some identification. You don't look like an officer it's like a fake fake id card that comes with a cop pull it out hello my name is police officer the mustache becomes mandatory can i get your can i get your your badge number it says police officer it's it's paper it's just a business card he's like why do people keep asking me to show this it's's just a kind of crinkled up badge. He's like, it's right here.

What's the big deal? Well, take that same scenario. Imagine just going to the doctor. So like, just let's say you have to go give blood because you're going to get some labs done. Yeah. You walk in there and they're like, hey, I'm here to get my labs done. They write up a little slip and they're like,

all right, they'll call you in a second. You go sit at the table or you go sit at the chair and they're like, Joe. And you're like, all right, get up. They go take your weight.

You walk back there. And then the nurse there is like in a, but she's a real nurse, but she's dressed up like a sexy nurse. Like, what are you, how do you deal with that? How do you,

how do you deal with that? I don't know. As long as I'm not going in there to get a prostate exam by an inflatable T-Rex. And the window always gets fogged up inside. The doctor will be here shortly, like, okay, thanks

sexy nurse. And you're sitting there, and you hear in the hallway, like, like the swooshy sound opens up, and the miss bouncy... The yeah head bob comes in he goes hello and he reaches his dinosaur hand out to shake your hand okay you're here for your physical you're like huh and he's talking over that of the fan that's always going i said are you here for your physical and like it's all fogging up

inside and he's wiping it off he's like this needs to be a second you know fucking rubber glove over a t-rex hand well any anything that had like i'm picturing like you're a stormtrooper or you're darth vader or something but you're let's say you're a real paramedic and you come over and you don't have time to take your your costume off because someone just got like a motorcycle accident and everyone's running over to the scene of the accident and the guy's like, alright, I need you to settle down but it's got that muffled voice like

I need you to settle down. So you're laying there but it's Darth Vader talking like Darth Vader but it's a real doctor. Real nurse, real doctor, whatever. Like paramedic. Sounds like a nightmare. You know that like this guy's trying to help you, but it's still fucking still.

No, still Darth Vader. It's still Darth Vader. He's like, hang on, let me put my lightsaber down. Yeah. He's like,

he's like, God damn it. Lightsabers getting in the way. He's getting frustrated, frustrated Darth Vader. Um, yeah. And then last note on this because i

i believe it must have been like last halloween because i swear to god this is one of my favorite things ever and on the whole planet and it's that time of the year so everybody if you are going the parents out there whatever kid whatever old you are if you're going to a halloween party this year just keep your eye out for little like little couple fights okay just you hear one go find it go find it like watch from a distance and just enjoy the show because there's it's nothing is funnier than watching like fucking you got wario screaming at dracula right and he's like they all like the makeup is all smeared they look like they look like shit and it's so funny to watch or like some inflatable whatever

like you know you got you got mike wazowski like screaming at harry potter and it's just so much fun just take take it all in because that's you only get one time a year to watch that stuff. How many Barbies are there going to be this year? Like, Barbie and Kins? So imagine, like, some college party or something. It's just this couple going as Ken and Barbie, just in this fight. Her mascara's running.

Yeah, yeah! And the guy's like, Fuck yeah! And it's just those guys like casa dojo baby or whatever that line is from that movie i didn't see it oh hey zach nope nope anyway uh that didn't land sorry it landed for somebody out there somebody uh sorry i didn't see it um but that this is still the idea of that where the intentions of going out was there's gonna be this fun night and by the end of it it's just but it's characters yelling at each other it's just so great a fucking

michelangelo the ninja turtle yelling at like ariel yeah exactly like spongebob and fucking patrick or something yeah walking down the hallway you see a barbie crying like i wonder what happened further down you see a Ken making out with a Raphael. You're like, oh, I got it. I put that together. All on my own. That's why she's crying. I didn't do anything, babe. His face is

covered in green paint. Like the kid saying I didn't eat the cookie. What? No, I would never. He's got like a stamp an r on his face i would never i don't even like rafael you know i'm a leonardo fan leonardo leads you know that you know that i would never and it's just covered in it what you think i ate out elmo Yeah, right. You know what?

I'm sick of this. It's always something, isn't it, Barbie? You just always have to for a reason start a fight. It's just wrapped around his face, red paint. I would never. Are you kidding me? God. I knew this was going to happen.

I'm out of here. And he buttons up his vest. Buttons up his denim vest and walks out of here. And he buttons up his vest. Buttons up his denim vest and walks out of there. I'll be, what's the Malibu, what's the car? The Barbie car called? Malibu Barbie? Is that the, whatever the car is. I'll be in the.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll be in the Barbie Corvette. They actually like rented a Corvette. Pink one, all of it, yeah. Okay, let's take a look at some dick this week. You ready for it? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, Zach. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick. Then it's dick. Dick.

So, searching around the interwebs for some Halloween-themed silliness this week, and I came across this headline, and I was like, no fucking way. But then when I tried to click the link, the article had just been completely erased from existence. I was super bummed. I was like, dude, I really wanted to know more. But I took a step back and I realized

all we really need is the headline anyway. Because the other details don't necessarily matter. Here's what it said haunted house for dogs a pet store in texas has opened a haunted house for dogs complete with spooky sounds and decorations and i just want to come out the gate and say what a terrible fucking idea yeah that's why there's not more than one in the world. I mean, maybe this, my imagination is painting it as they release this being like, this is going to be great. And I'm sure it's all dialed back.

I'm sure it's like tiny little sounds. You know, I get it. But they got erased from the internet because as soon as they put it out, everyone's like, what are you doing? Do you know how bad of an idea this is? Like, picturing two, two different ways. This could go picturing a full blown, like theme park grade haunted house. And then you have to make,

you're making a Chihuahua go through it. It's already shaking. And it comes down the corner. It goes, like getting electrocuted and slamming shit on the ground it's just in the dark it's like what the fuck the owner's like come on come on trying to drag it through it's pulling back that was the last one they come around the corner it's never the last one you're so dumb it's just dog piss everywhere dog piss everywhere

shitting and pissing everywhere and then flipping it the other way is even funnier we're like they tried to dial it back and a fucking german shepherd's going through and this guy comes out and goes, and the dog's like, just fucking scares the guy. Just biting, just ripping his arm. He pops out like in a funny, the funny, the cutest dog bone outfit.

And he's like, and the dog's like, what the fuck? He starts like chewing his ankles. And like by the time, you know, they're three hours in, all the workers are bleeding

and they're so scared to, all the workers are bleeding. And they're so scared to do their job. Like, oh, not another fucking Rottweiler. He's just crying when he's in his happy dog bone outfit. Blood's like pouring out of it. And the boss is just like looking at him across the haunted house. Get the fuck back in your station. He's got his clipboard out.

He's shaking his head. He's like, we've got a line of dogs out there. You just, maybe you need, maybe it's your problem. Maybe you're doing something wrong. Try dialing it back. He goes, I'm not even moving. I can't move. They're finding me.

They're sniffing him out. Like the whole, the whole, the whole fun, like the whole haunted house is people in costumes running from dogs. Oh, that'd be kind of funny, though. They smell them, and they're sniffing them out. And then as soon as the dog finds them, you're supposed to jump out. Yeah, exactly. But now they're just hiding for real. Yeah, they're terrified. They don't want to be found.

They're up in the rafters, and the dog's like, trying to bite like a penguin Like some super cute penguin Some poor lady She's dressed up like in some You ordered off wish.com donut Costume And she's just bleeding

And she's so scared Oh god I love the idea Like a really strong dog Like a pit bull or something, the damage that they could do. But I just love the idea of like, we have a Yorkie, and she'll be up on the top of the couch looking out the window. And there'll be like a 90-year-old woman just out for a walk. And she's just fucking, like, savagely wanting to tear this old woman apart yeah so the idea of like

that dog being forced into a situation where they're being scared on purpose the the psychological torment of the fucking dog dragging them and then trying to get them back home yeah yeah like imagine them trying to get back into normal life again after an experience like that yeah i mean in just like all out fun houses you know like it's not just like like a little ah like or you see something scary because like just having a mannequin stand there right and like like move around a little bit it's gonna scare the shit out of them. But you have someone jumping out with a fucking like fake taser. Chainsaw.

Yeah. The chainsaw guy. Like, okay. And like, you know, at the end of the haunted house, the chainsaw guy's coming out and you're like, come on, come on boots. It's all over. It's all over. And you're like, no, come on.

You drag him. He's fucking just chasing this poor dog with a chainsaw. Everyone's laughing. What a great idea. Or a picture like a Jurassic Park scene where things have just gone off the rails. Like the owner comes and goes, what's going on in here? And he opens it up and there's people screaming. Just a bunch of strobe lights and people getting dragged across the floor by dogs.

Bloody St. Bernard. Just all these dogs are just chewing up all the workers, flashing lights and taser sounds. What is the, what's the dog movie? Cujo. Yeah, Cujo. You just made me think of, you made me think of like, you know, those things that carnivals or fairs when the kids walk in them, they've got all the mirrors and you got to get to this fun house. Yeah.

But so it's not like a scary fun house. It's just a fun house. But putting a dog in a situation like that where they don't understand reflections and things like that, like what that would do. Get through here. There's 40 of yourself. Yeah. Not a good look.

No. through here you're fucking 40 of yourself yeah not not a good look no um the only way i can see this actually being pitched is by someone coming into the corporate office like you know he works there he's like i got a great idea we're gonna have to i want to have a change it up a little bit you know you've been asking for something new boss um gather the troops put him in the conference room and he pitches the haunted house for dogs And then what we don't know is on the side, like, he's been moonlighting as a mailman, and he hates dogs. This is all just a vengeance. He's just trying to get it back. He goes right to his neighborhood.

He's like, this is where we'll set it up. And, like, as they're coming through, he's like, fuck you! He's like, in the dark, like, popping out behind the things. He knows all their names. Who's scared of who now? Fuck you. Runs back through. That's the only way.

It's the only way how this ever got any approval. It's psychopath. It's just like got that through. He worked. It was a whole ruse just to get that through so he could fucking scream at these dogs and have a day where he just gets payback. Yeah. Every Halloween, he gets chased and he goes, I'll see you on Halloween, you fucking bitch.

I'll see you in six months. In six months. I warned you, Puddles. Yeah, I warned you, Puddles. You're the worst. Muddles. I can't wait to see you in hell, Puddles. See you in hell, you fucking piece of shih tzu.

Bitch. Big hairy bitch. What'd you just call my dog? Nothing. Enjoy your day. Hey, Johnson. Anyway, you guys coming to the haunted house? He's handing out invites for the dog haunted house.

Bring your cats. Yeah, I think Puddles would love it. Are you sure? No, yeah. I mean, just the exact type of dog I want to fucking see. Yeah, he's perfect. As he's handing the flyers, ankles getting chewed on. But we'd love to have him, yeah.

This is great. This is great that you want to include our sweet muggles or whatever the fuck. Oh, I'd just love to have him. I'd fucking love him. He's getting, like, yanked off the step. His pants are ripping. You guys are my favorite house just because of him. It's like, ow, fuck, ow. He's fucking eating fucking eating me anyway so i just thought that idea was uh was a lot no that's that's funny god

that little like a pomeranian just in the dark like so scared and it's so like ambience and it just gets a little little too close and they have the air compressor thing. You know, it shoots air. And they're just like, ah! And that dog's like, Jesus! And the lights go back out. You ever seen a Cocker Spaniel? Yeah. Those are the worst. Oh, man.

I would be pissing before I got out of the car. A little corgi trying to go through a haunted house all by himself. Big smile on his face until the first corner. They just shove him in and shut the door. They have light up collars so everyone knows exactly what fucking thing you're scaring. They're just trying to make it through. Come here. They have one guy

going, come on, come here. And he's like getting up the courage to go. It's like a doggy escape room. Yeah, he got the tree. He's like, come on, come on. And he gets up the, you know, he's doing a little back and forth and he finally gets up the courage to go down the hallway and he goes, run away! It's a little old woman just like, here bubbles, come here, come's doing a little back and forth and he finally gets up the curse. You go down the hallway and he goes, it's a little old woman. Just like here, bubbles.

Come here. Come here. Come get your treat. Come get your treat. Shades off in the ceiling. God, what a nightmare. So fucked up. What a terrible idea.

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. It's just, that's a perfect example. And I get it there. I'm sure it was cute. It was, you know, maybe people just dress up and be like, Ooh, come here and have treats and blah, blah, blah. I'm sure that was the idea. The only way you do something like that is to film it and be like, here's an inspirational

thing. Cause that something like that you don't do in the dark, right? Like that's exactly, that's something you don't do without cameras. I'm sure it's well lit, like in a Petco or whatever. Yeah. Pet smart, whatever it is. It's a, it's people lit like in a petco but whatever yeah pet smart whatever it is it's uh it's people dressed up as like cats yeah they're just ironically funny like oh i'm a cat i'm a big banana yeah yeah yeah that's what it is that's not what my brain wanted it to be no

uh okay let's move on to the next uh next one brian what do you what you got there my good cowboy friend uh well i thought this was kind of funny. Pick an article. Sit and share. Talking Mike, sit and share. Yeah. This guy was officiating wedding. Oh, okay.

This guy. Okay. Man officiating a wedding in Nebraska, accidentally shot his 12-year-old grandson during the ceremony. Okay. Police say. Nebraska? That sounds about right. Yeah. Police say. Nebraska? Yeah, that sounds about right. Yeah.

Not much going on out there. Sounds like something that would happen right here. A grandfather who was officiating a wedding in Nebraska is facing charges after accidentally shooting his 12-year-old grandson during the ceremony. Oh, my God. Michael Gardner was officiating the festivities at Hillcrest Events in Denton around 5pm on Saturday when he attempted to shoot a Pieta Model 1860 snub nose revolver loaded with a blank into the air to gain the attention of the

wedding guests. Yeah. So he was just going to be like, pop! Yeah. Hey! Hey! Here we go! Hey, we're doing the thing! I was ready to get started people are shut up! God, what a good idea in his head. He was going to be the hero. Is it? Is it a good idea? his head he was gonna be is it he's gonna be the hero is it a good idea in his head he was so excited yeah that's that's what's funny it's like he's

like oh i can't wait to do this no one's gonna expect this oh dude this is gonna be the highlight of the wedding okay so it's like a starting gun yeah and attract essentially got it okay so what happened decided to gain everyone's attention and start the wedding with a bang. When he decided to cock back the hammer of his revolver,

it slipped and shot his grandson in the left shoulder causing an injury. The Colt.45 ammunition was a blank, Gardner said, but he put black powder in it

in the casing and then glued it in. Holy shit. And then that's what we believe. The glue is what injured the child. The boy's injuries were non-life-threatening, and he was taken to a local hospital before being transferred to Omaha for further treatment. Gardner turned himself into authorities on Monday

and was arrested on charge of child abuse for neglectable firing a firearm and injuring someone. Noting the use of a firearm in the seriousness of the injuries led to the charge. My God. Just, I mean, his idea gets better and better in his head. I know. He goes, well, the blank's not going to be loud enough to start a wedding. Some Elmers or whatever. I'm going to glue some gunpowder to this blank.

We do not believe Michael intended to hurt his grandchild. Can you imagine? But the act was not very smart oh man alcohol uh thorium said deputies don't believe alcohol was involved in the accident that's what's funny it's just like the idea process this was uh just a sober he was sober he was sorry father oh my god but yeah it's it that's what's so funny about the whole thing is that it was just it was meant to be this innocent saying like maybe the family's a big you know like they all like guns and they just like they're just it wouldn't have been a big deal would have been or maybe not i don't know maybe like just the there's always one line there's always one line in these articles that just kills me like they don't think he meant to do it yeah you don't say can you

imagine if he's like think his grandpa stand next to his grandson he looks down he goes all right like it's time to start the wedding and the grandson's like you sure there's not any other way to do it and he's like no this is the only way he just shoots him in the shoulder you sure this is the only way this is no one's gonna believe it's starting unless i do something like the gunpowder is not gonna be loud enough so i need to scream of a child right or else no one's panic. Look, everyone's over there by the keg. No one's coming unless someone's drinking over here. They're talking. They're not going to hear anything.

They're not going to come just from a gunshot. You got to scream a little. You ready? He's like, are you sure? Yep. Just. But, okay. Going back to the side of, of did not mean to do it

got it what a fucking disaster wedding I mean did it go on did they just get the grandson out of there I don't know that was the end of the article they just keep the wedding going and they're just pissed that the grandson

took the rings to the ER yeah they were in his back pocket yeah they're like god damn it and that's all they're mad about I knew grandson took the rings to the ER. Yeah, they were in his back pocket. Yeah, they're like, God damn it! And that's all they're mad about? Like, I knew he was going to fuck it up. I knew he was going to make a shitty ring bearer. He's just in a hospital bed and he's like, I forgot the wings. Is there a right to bear rings joke in there somewhere?

I mean, you think he just did it? You got it. Fucking right here. Oh, yeah! I don't know. At a small wedding venue, is just a blank not loud? How is that not loud enough? I'm sure it is.

He wanted some smoke. He wanted to put on a show. Okay. The show is the wedding. I know, but he wanted to have something to do with this. He's like, not enough eyes on me. It's my special day. He's like, I wish I was getting married.

This is my special day. Wish I was getting married. Oh, it's your special day. It's your special day. What about Michael? No one ever cares about Michael's special day. Always the bridesmaid type of thing. Never the bride.

Yeah. Always the officiator. Never the guy with the fucking smoking gun. Never tuxedo guy always cowboy hat fuck when's michael gonna give him his special day well i got an idea i'm gonna glue some gunpowder to this blank and i'm gonna be it's gonna be my special day too i love it what if he yelling affirmations that morning in the mirror yeah he's like no this is michael isn't just her day. You just need, you deserve this. You deserve a little bit of attention. It must've been a family member, right?

Like was his daughter getting married? Yeah. I mean, he shot his daughter's kid. Yeah. Like is that. To start her wedding? Yeah. I mean, we could probably find more information about this, but if he's there, so he doesn't

just officiate weddings. His grandson was there, so it had to be a family member. He doesn't just officiate weddings. That's not all this guy does. You kidding me? He's also a client. He's also a pyrotechnic. I typed in Michael Gardner. It says obituary.

Oh, no. He's so embarrassed by all of this. He's he's in the hospital he tried to kill himself with a blank you're like michael you're never gonna get it are you you're never gonna get it he's in jail like it was my special day yeah this was my special day and his bunk mates like it is it's about to be well his he made it about him, right? He won. Here we are talking about him. Yeah. Fucking good job.

He did what I thought was part of him. Right before he did it, he goes, just shooting it to the air. No one's going to care if you just shoot a gun into the air. You have to shoot a kid. He's like, and he's just having this back and forth. He's like, you got to. You got to shoot a kid. Where's the kid?

Hey, he just looks around. He's like, hey, come here. Yes, grandpa? My day! Isn't that what happened to Brandon Lee on the set of The Crow? Something like that. There was an actual bullet, though, wasn't there? I think it was a bunch of crap in the gun. It was supposed to be a fake.

Yeah, and they just loaded a bunch of stuff into it and killed him? Yeah, something like that. Oh, man. No, no no me gusta no me gusta i'm trying to i looked at a different article to see um so all they did it's like the washington post and new york post all they did was slightly reword the article journalism yeah well there's no other information i wonder if how good i wonder how close it would match if you told ai to write a story about michael gardner who accidentally shot his grandson with a blank to start a wedding and see what ai would do about it uh let's move on to petty beef you ready speaking of guns we got more gun talk okay coming up let's fucking roll it hey

you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef petty beef ready to set this one up cowboy yeah sorry I was reading this article you can't read she phases up to three years in prison and or a $10,000 fine if convicted that's an expensive wedding Jesus am I right all right

shotgun wedding handgun wedding snub nose revolver wedding this is coming in from our pew pew loving son Christopher who writes hey daddies i have to say it like that almost hey daddies i want to settle something between me and my fiance we have been living together for almost three years now we went from an apartment

to a house i am a ccw license holder that has taken firearms very seriously my whole life and by the age of 21 started taking tactical training classes and home defense and offense classes this is someone who is comfortable around firearms but doesn't see the need for all the paranoia i have to key our and what comfortable around firearms but doesn't see the need for the paranoia i have i have about kept her oh she's a person who's come to she's come around firearms but she just

doesn't doesn't like them get the idea of like having to her and her three for defense got it fucking sentence

oh and it's just three dogs no they're dogs they're not yeah that being said don't do a petty beef about that

whether you're dogs or kids kids or not that being said in our master bedroom we have one tall dresser I keep one of my firearms on top of it with a big mag light style flashlight that way if there's a bump in the night i get up i grab it i can sweep the house while she watches the cameras i've had to sweep the house multiple times my beef is she has started decorating our

bedroom which is fine i love it it looks amazing and she keeps putting the firearm and flashlight inside the dresser doesn't sound like a big, but I keep telling her to leave it alone. When we have people over, we can put it away. The way I see it is I want repeatability with muscle memory. If something goes bump in the night and I wake up groggy, then I want to have the easiest way to get to these items. Also, the dresser is full because I have two drawers and she has four. I mean, it has a bunch of laughy faces. So it's not like there's an empty drawer. What do you think? Should I fight this?

All of this is, I mean, Christopher, I'm sure you're a great guy. But this is a lot. This is a lot to I guess this is a personal opinion here. Maybe you should actually sweep the house. Maybe that would help.

Maybe that would actually, maybe she'd go, you know, like maybe give a little leeway. Maybe she's about putting some lights in. I'm going to go sweep the house. And she's like, oh, thank God. He's going to do something around the house. And he's just walking around with his gun. She's like, take the broom with you. Take the broom to your leg at least.

And then go. At least you can sweep while you sweep. I don't mind if you sweep the house as long as you're actually fucking sweeping the house sweeping just do two things he wears broom shoes be quiet yeah he just just yeah just like swiftly in the night clearing the whole house but as he walks around his his broom shoes are clear in the house it's a lot chris i have questions and it's not just christopher but people like he's like i've had to sweep the house multiple times okay have you seen anything ever like or did you hear something and then you're like okay and you swept the house and it was literally

fucking nothing and then you just go back to bed so i mean always being ready and on the defense like statistically it it is super super low that someone's coming in and with firearms to try and hurt people in the home like it is super super low so to the wife's point on this or fiance's point of just having to have firearms out and ready to go all the time like might be a bit much am i alone somebody come no i mean you're wearing you got a fun cowboy yeah boy tell you what i like me some guns yeah um i don't i don't know this guy's story yeah but it sounds to me like the the paranoia aspect of it is a little yeah is is accurate just because yeah like the the sweeping the house is it because he thinks he's hearing something or is there actually something going on right i i get

i have i have a buddy who's very much like that where it's like he's got a gun in every room and he's like in case something happens so like haha laugh at the guy who and then actually has that happen and you're lucky you have it but you're right but statistically like the the chance of that happening is pretty low and to be living like that i don't like i have i have a couple handguns i have a shotgun and i had to have a conversation with my wife she's like we need to get a safe and everything because before we had kids now we have kids like it's in a safe um i don't think her fur babies are going to be yeah getting it so one thing about leaving the gun i wouldn't worry about that way like someone getting but

it's i think it's a thing in his mind that's like the threat is way bigger than it actually is yeah and it's like it's not even really about the gun It's about his paranoia that he needs to be on the defense all the time. And always protecting. Doesn't it kind of depend on the neighborhood? Yeah, and I was going to say that too. Like, if you're living in a place where you're like, shit's getting broken into all the time, your neighbors, like, sure. But if you just, there are some people that are completely,

they live in fear all the time, and they're like, like there's like survivalists, they like, they have bunkers and they're like waiting for the end of the world so they can live in their bunker. Have you watched the news lately? Come on. Yeah. But if you don't watch the news, guess what? Everything's fine.

Your life continues exactly how it was before. So like, that's a, that's a mindset. Like you, you're like, obviously the world scary but i there's no way that i i could let myself live yeah in constant fear and then also you mentioned because i was to piggyback on what i said earlier if you don't know like yeah i'm i'm a gun owner too yeah i've got guns um maybe she's afraid of the gun in some way and maybe something could be done there where go shooting with her no she said she's comfortable around oh she's comfortable of the gun in some way. And maybe something could be done there where go shooting with her. No, she said she's comfortable around firearms. Oh, she's comfortable.

Okay. But she doesn't like the paranoia aspect of it. Which I get. I totally get that. That could, Christopher, that can probably be annoying. Like, I don't know. I don't live in it. But the way you've described it is like you are always ready for fucking Bruce Willis to come come kicking through swinging through a rope through your

kitchen window well you you feel like you need to be like if i wake up in the middle of night i need to be john wick yeah which i mean it's fine but it has to be like to a healthy level like some people's hobbies like this is it like training and being ready is truly a hobby like it takes a lot of time to be that prepared uh but if it starts affecting your relationship you got to be careful christopher because yeah do you have do you have breaks you have the ability to put some brakes on with this because if you don't it might be become a problem yeah and i think just in this this scenario i think he needs to change what he's doing versus her like if she's she obviously is comfortable she's fine with you having guns but like the idea of like i gotta i gotta dust the thing and i gotta move your guns and do all

that shit it's that might be a bit much for her so and him going off of muscle memory of where the gun is located like if it is if it is five inches below where it normally is inside of a drawer i mean you just read to your muscle memory and then open a drawer and grab the things you want yeah that settles it like retrain yourself to open a drawer what if he accidentally grabs the dildo bro he goes out there he's like what the fuck shit he's got a mag light shooting blanks with his dildo he's got he's got a mag light taped to a big dildo sweeping the house. Why is the flashlight so goddamn bouncy? Snake light.

Oh, the snake light. And the last thing I want to say on this, and then we can move on. But the scene where he said that he can sweep the house while she watches the cameras. And I just picture her not being into it at all. He's like, babe, all right, we're paying for this. Get up. And he's like, you got it? Got it.

And she's like, yeah. She's like, yeah. all right, we're paying for this. Get up. And he's like, you got it? Got it. And she's laying. She's like, yeah. She's like, yeah. And she's sitting there. She's not even. She has like an intercom system on. And she's just laying back down in bed. And he's like, okay, is the kitchen clear? She's like, yeah.

She's laying in bed. Not even doing shit. Because nothing's ever there. She's just like, yeah, it's clear. And he's like, okay, I'm moving into the bubble but you're like like you're like like cool moves like feet do you see that you see that ow fuck where were you on that one i don't know where my eyes and she's like i don't know did you hit the chair again yeah probably and he's sweeping the... Okay, okay. What does the front deck show? All clear.

She has her sleeper mask on, like the... Mm-hmm. Like the neck shade. Yeah, it just says, like, fuck off on it. All clear. Safe and sound. Okay. All right, I think we're all clear, baby.

He's like, mm-hmm, all right, going back to bed. And powers off the CTV system. There's more to discuss there about the sweeping. Like, if... Like, she... maybe she's just tired of him saying, dude, I sweep the house all the time. You never appreciate it. And she's like, no, you walk through the house. You've never picked up a broom in your life. Like there's there's something I feel like that maybe that's the crux of the whole thing.

She just wants him to sweep. Picture in the situation, get a little out of hand where guns are literally hidden everywhere. Where she like, you know, she opens. Go to get a fork. Opens the egg carton. Open the thing.

There's a gun in it. You're like. A little pea shooter in there. You pick it up. You're like, okay, no, we got eggs.

So you go to the store and you come back and you're, you go to open up and you look inside and just a gun inside the egg carton. You're like,

God damn it. Well, there's, there's always one, there's like cupcakes or there's always one slot missing because there's a weapon in there yeah so whenever you go you open up the gate there's just an egg in the garbage you're like fuck every single book in the bookshelf has a gun yeah it's cut out there's no pages in it check the oven one book check the oven you have to check before you preheat you have to see if the check for guns

see if the machine guns in there you're like just making sure the RPG is not in the refrigerator. Yeah, so you pour some milk. It's like, you're like, open it up. Fucking nine millimeter in there. God damn, this is getting crazy. You know where the TV remote is? I don't know. It should be glued to the revolver.

You know where the revolver is? Have don't know. It should be glued to the revolver. You know what the revolver is? Have you checked out of the cushions? No. Lift it up, which is the arsenal of other guns. It's right next to your fucking drying dick. Yeah. I don't know. I glued it to the drying dick.

And then just a quick story. I can picture me doing this, dude. Because this happened when I first got my safe for my nine millimeter gun um i don't even know what i what i was doing but i didn't want to put it like right next to my bed um just because i don't know i wanted it like more out of sight out of mind so every time the kids walked up to the nightstand i was going to throw them into i wasn't also throwing them into a gun safe right so i had it on a different place across the room and there was one point where i was i was laying in bed and i was naked and i was just like home by myself kids were sleeping and i'm laying in bed and then

i was practicing how fast i could get to my safe so this picture of this like grown naked man dick kept knocking the lamp over this and then, and then pop out of bed and running and like kind of sliding down to my safe, all naked. And then like, after like this third time, I just started laughing so hard.

What am I doing? I was like, if someone could watch this, like if someone was playing the Sims game and watching me naked slide to practice my gun safe opening, like how funny that would be.

Were you wearing socks? No, I was all over. Yeah, you should have done the Tom Cruise sliding socks. Sliding. I feel like sliding's better wearing socks. I know I was all he should have done the Tom Cruise mm-hmm sliding socks I feel like sliding is better in socks. Yeah, true. Yeah, you can't slide barefoot You're gonna go to slide and you're just gonna catch and fly over and land on your dick

Well, you think we'll keep you up So where are we out on this? We he needs to cool off a little bit I think he needs to understand that he can move the gun somewhere else out of sight. I think just retrain your memory to open the fucking drawer and grab your gun. Is that something they've even thought of? Because how do I think he's just being stuck? He's like, no, I have to. This is like, I know where it's at.

So if I'm groggy, it's like, well, if you look up and it's not there, you're like, oh, yeah, it's in the drawer. But put it on the right side of the top drawer, whatever. Like, yeah, you know where it is. Yeah. yeah um so yeah just retrain yourself to do there then it's out of then it's out of the site then she's probably happy that would solve every problem right solve it all and pick up the broom and actually sweep the house for real there's that too and then you then i think she's gonna be she'll happy. Yeah. I'm trying to come up with a gun sex pun, but I can't do it. Happy wife, hot barrel. Or whatever.

Happy wife, smoking wife, smoking barrel. Boom. God, there it is. Yeah. All right, let's move on to some good news. All right. Hey, Zach. So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Slappy Susan Samsonite. I don't know who to start with an S, though. I don't know who to start with an S, though. So this story is a feel-good, Halloween-themed, and it's just super cool because when I came across this article, I was reading it. I was like, if you are charging, you're basically just doing a business thing. But this guy, he's like, article, I was reading it. I was like, if you, if you are charging,

you're basically just doing a business thing. But this guy is, he's like, no, I don't charge. Um, and I'll, I'll just,

I'll push play on the video. You can watch along. Uh, if you watch the video version, but this man, sorry for that loud noise. He has a crazy Halloween decorations, over a hundred thousand000 worth of decorations.

And he sets them up in his front yard. He also does this for Christmas. And then anybody is able to swing by and just walk through everything. So they have like different themes for different sections. Like you have to see it. So featuring almost a million lights,

750,000 lights, just in this one dude's property. But look at this, all out. Where does he keep all that? In the off season? Yeah. I don't know. It must be some sort of storage.

But how cool is that? He's setting it up for over 16 years. And I'm sure just adding to it each year. There we go. Look at you. I mean, I'm sure you're having a blast. I had a 50, 60-year-old guy here, like in the candy store. That's the guy?

Yeah, young guy. 16 years. He started when he was one. No, he's probably early 30s. He probably started like Ezra. It was like a little project. Just loved it. They had like pumpkin bowling, like to entertain the kids and shit like that.

I think it's this son that's walking you through, kind of showing you what's going on. Anyway, how cool is that? Through the greenhouse, that's all decked out too. That's crazy. I know. Never charged admission. It won't even take donations. Nice.

Yeah. Cool. I wanted to show you guys that. We have a family friend that has a place in Moses Lake like that. But they're show you guys that. We have a family friend that plays in Moses Lake like that. But they're all the balloon ones. So you go in there for Halloween, Christmas, Easter, all that. It's just his whole front lawn. It wraps around.

Same thing. Just like a path you can walk through. Imagine being this dude's neighbor. Mm-hmm. Well, you always see those things. It's like ditto with a sign. Yeah, but like you're just trying to sleep. You're just like, fuck. Yeah, it's like Christmas vacation when the neighbors

are blinded. Jesus, yeah. But like this. The carpet will wet, Todd. The sound that you're like, you got to wake up at four in the morning, just, you know, pulling pillows over your head. And you hear like, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Whoa. Hoo. Ah. pulling pillows over your head and you hear like whoa whoa whoo ah

yeah you're funny you're funny if nobody in the neighborhood does any decorations because of him they're like fuck it he's like what are we gonna do

or just do how do you power all that that's what I'm saying like you're over there this guy's got all this shit going and you're like you can't even

run your microwave because he's stealing so much power off the grid well I'm wondering what that is that if that ups the lecture electrical for everyone in the neighborhood probably not imagine if you like it for whatever reason like all of a sudden

you had to pay like 20 bucks extra more a month the fuck is this yeah because of fucking hey but at least you got to walk through and see some cool decorations huh they probably don't even care been doing for 16 years. Yeah. Like you move to the neighborhood knowing what's going to happen every October. But yeah, I don't want to go like completely off the cuff here, but I think he was saying it averages like 600 people a day through October.

Which is, I mean, that's a lot of people for just coming through a neighborhood. I thought it said 700 to 1,000 or something like that. Maybe. Like I said. That's crazy. Yeah. Where just coming through a neighborhood. I thought it said 700 to 1,000 or something like that. Maybe. Like I said. That's crazy. Yeah. Where is this? St. Charles.

That's all I got for you. I had the article. Then the article itself didn't have a good video. It had like, the news guy telling you about, I'm down here in front of a Halloween decoration display. Yeah. Where neighbors are pissed off. He's been doing this for 16 years. And it had that over the top, and I was like, I'm not doing this.

This is K.O. Eighthorn and News. What was her name? I don't know. Gail Newshorn? I don't know. Jack O'Lantern? That was kind of like Jack O'Lantern. Her name is Gail Newshorn? Foghorn Newshorn? I don't know. Jack O'Lantern? That was kind of like Jack O'Lantern.

Her name's Gale Newshorn? Foghorn Leghorn? What else is she going to do? You better be an anchor. I say, I say, that's imposterous. Or a horn player. Your name is fucking Gale Newshorn. I'm going to write that down.

You better be. Gale Newshorn. You fucking better be gail news horn for channel four i'm gail news horn thank you gail all right on to the on to the war in israel right over to not halloween decorations uh for some good news palestin. His name is Chris Donabauer. So at least we can give him that credit. How come it won't tell me where the fuck St. Charles is? I mean, St. Charles sounds like it might be in the UK, but he wasn't really speaking like he was from the UK, was he? I feel like it's Florida.

Is that what your guess is? No, there's a St. Petersburg. That's true. I'm going one of the Carolinas. St. Charles State. That's a good guess, too. St. Charles State. Missouri! Missouri! Missouri! I was close. Florida. Well, of the Carolinas. St. Charles State. That's a good guess, too. St. Charles State.

Missouri! Missouri! I was close. Florida. Well, at least there is a St. Charles Missouri. Yeah, I'm sure it's like Springfield. Yeah. Missouri. Springfield, Missouri.

Oh, there's that good news. That's how it's pronounced, by the way. Missouri. Missouri. Well, I wouldn't ever argue with a guy in a cowboy hat. Ready for some creepy shit? I am. All right, let's roll it!

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes!

That's awesome! News reporter's name. I didn't even put it together, that Gail. She could either be a weatherman or do the news. Because her name was Gail Newshorn. Gail Force. Yeah. Gail Newshorn.

And she chose the news. It just felt better, you know? Mm-hmm. This is just something that somehow came up on my feed that I hope blows your guys' mind as big as it did mine. This is a deep sea fish called the barrel fish. See if you would have chosen to go deep sea instead of space. That has a see-through head. What?

That's crazy. That's kind of like the old Apple monitors. Yeah, the ones that have the clear back. Yeah. Look at it. What? Look at his eyeballs. Hello.

Just browsing. It looks like a snow globe. Yes. That's a real thing. How is that a real thing? Are those green balls, its eyes? its eyes yes those like behind its eyeballs and the eyeballs are in front jesus what it looks like a little deep sea submarine it looks like the uh the submarine that you have to look loaded listeners you have to look it up the barrel fish

and i love how why i think all the? That's the best they could do? Barrel fish? Projector head. How about the fucking see-through head fish? It's the see-through head submarine. It's like a largemouth bass, but it's a... It has like a... See-through mouth? It has like a rounded dolphin head. You have to just look it up. And then just not even the...

If we go beyond, let's go beyond. Let's go to the great beyond. The great beyond. Where this fish exists. Like it is, right now, you're wearing a fucking cowboy hat. I took off a hot chick wig and we talked about dicks and dog haunted houses. And this thing's just swimming around in the ocean right now. Yeah.

Just being like, I don't know. You ever do that? When you see that, you're like, what's that thing up to right now? Yeah, right now. It's just like, woo. It's just doing that. It's all it's doing it's swimming around you go deeper and you think about the fact that we are looking at this thing in 4k with beautiful digital picture watching it swim around doing

stuff just on our fucking laptops with nowhere near it yeah Yeah. That thing is miles and miles away. We will never see. It's miles wherever, however deep it is. I'll never go. I've already said those. I'll never go that deep in the ocean. Like you're standing, you could be standing on the coastline. You're probably still a hundred or like a thousand miles away from the closest barrel

fish. Yeah. Like no idea where this thing is. We're closer to the space station. Than we are to the barrel fish. And we're just look at him. We're like, oh, that's cool. And then we're going to move the space station. Than we are to the barrel fish. Yeah. And we're just looking at them like, oh, that's cool. And then we're going to move off and just talk to our listeners. Yeah.

That's fucking crazy. There's a fish with a see-through head that glows in the dark. Yeah. And we're just like, oh, wow. And now on to Hey Guys. And now back to Gale News Force. For more news. You can see.

You can see through his face. Chris Doberbauer. Donner. Donnerbauer. Donnerbauer. He does this for Christmas, too. All right. So we're just going to move off the barrel fish.

Just like we said. We ready? All right. Zach, roll it. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow. That's cool. Wow. That poor barrel fish. Like, no one hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow. That poor barrel fish. Like, no one cares. No one cares. Everyone's like, whoa, that's crazy. And then you just move on.

Right back to like, anyway, detachable phone line, dick. Yeah. It's kind of like, you know, like when someone dies and you're like, I hope I remember that person. And you do, but eventually you just. Just like the barrel fish. Like, forget about him. Yeah. It's like, no, I remember that person. And you do, but eventually you just... Just like the barrel fish, I forget about him. Yeah. It's like now that... He's still swimming away.

Yeah. Him and all his friends just having see-through heads. Like Harambe. Yeah. You know? We still talk about Harambe. No one... I mean, we don't talk about Juno, but we do talk about Harambe.

Yeah, we don't talk about Harambe enough. All right. First email coming from our meat-stroking stepson, Salty Dalty. Who writes, hey, fucktards. Hey! Love the show and playing catch-up. I literally paused an episode to write this email because I had to share this story. Just listening to juice cleanse, tampon, fork, unicycle.

And you bring up being vulnerable during masturbation. And boy, is this a good one. All right. Let's go, Salty Dalty. I was 20. I was 21... Riding tractor, stroking dick. Reading email. I was 21, living in an apartment. I was living

in an apartment complex and decided to have a little me time. Nice. In my room while my roommates were working. Laptop, max volume, whole box of tissues, kind of sesh. It sounds like the title of an episode. Yeah, it does. Laptop, max volume, whole box, tissues. Yeah, sure does.

Kind of sesh. Kind of sesh. One of those kind of seshes. Okay. A few minutes in, I heard something from my window that happened to be right next to my bed. Okay. I lived on the first floor and in the corner of the apartment next to the elevator. And when I looked up, I saw several people scattered.

Oh, man. My blinds were down, but my dumb ass, my dumb ass had turned them the wrong way. The slats were facing down instead of up. And anyone who walked by their way to work or school on that morning got a show maybe an anatomy lesson needless to say i was mortified and might be on the list somewhere thought you guys would like this three to five stars wouldn't change a thing boy and keep up the phonics lesson you're doing great your steps on salty dalty that's a nice little comment there i think you're safe in your own house you shouldn't be on a list right like no i think

you're the people looking in will be on the list before you yeah that's safe in your own house. You shouldn't be on a list, right? No, I think the people looking in will be on a list before you. Yeah. That's your privacy, your own. The idea that he was like, anyone walking to school or going to work got a show. You ever watch a dude jerk off? Yeah. It's one of the saddest things you're ever going to see. They're stopping and like, whoa.

It's not a dance number. Yeah. You're like, yeah. You's not a dance number. Yeah. Like you're like yeah. You're all fucking. Do you like what you're doing to yourself you big strong boy. So you know like when you see like a video or like a porn video or like you go to like a peep show at a strip club and it's a woman dancing and being all. Saucy. Seductive and saucy.

Yeah saucy. Saucy. She's rubbing salsa on her but like a guy doing that same thing just doesn't have the same well we have different yeah sexual orientation but i don't even care what your sexual orientation is but it's like a guy thinking he's alone jerking off oh yeah no show yeah there's no show just yeah you fucking yeah you're huge yeah look at it you fucking look at my show. Yeah, she changed that channel.

I can hear her moaning now. Immediately, you're thumbing through channels, and that comes up. No one's ever like, that's a fucking decent show. The guy's watching porn. He's talking to the girl in the porn like, yeah, I'm giving you this fucking. You're lucky I'm not there. You fucking. You think that hurts?

You think that hurts? I fucking do it. He's like, you think that hurts you think that hurts i fucking do it he's like you think that hurts that hurts he's like he's like hitting his phone with his dick he's like yeah you lucky i'm not there fucking get it there's no show dalton something salty dalty no one got a show what you got was fucking a bear maybe maybe they're just like they're just making sure like you weren't too depressed. That was why they were watching. They're like, he's not going to do anything else, right? Is there a gun around?

Is he safe? Maybe it's in the drawer. They're just worried, yeah, because no one's jerking off and someone's watching being like, this is fucking really cool. Can you imagine sweeping the room but jerking off too? While you're doing a sweep of the house? Oh, like with a broom or with guns? Either one.

With a gun is scary. Yeah. If you're like intruding and someone comes around jerking off with a gun. Hey! Hey! Who's there? Is anybody there? Stay still!

Stay still. Who's there? Just watch me. I'm putting on a show, baby. Okay, just let me go. You're just in time for the show. You're just in time for the big show. Mr. Robbie guy.

Robbie Robertson. Look at you, so scary in the night. Sit down. And he mounts the mag light on the back of the couch. He's like, you're in time for the show. Watch. He uses some spirit fingers, a little warm up. I call this one.

He's doing like a little thing, pushing his dick between his legs. I call this one, yeah, the hidden penis jack in the box or something. I don't know. All right. On to our next email coming in from our daughter,

Erin, who writes, being born in 1983 and having... Same as these. Being born in 1983 and having super cool parents, they put MTV on and left it to play all day.

I had buried away in the depths of my consciousness the tear that was the music video for Genesis' Land of Confusion. Until this morning! Damn it, Joe! Blew it. As Joe started to talk about the Disturbed cover, I immediately started to think, no, no, no, no. There's no way he's about to show what I think he's about to. Is he? But then I saw them.

I saw them fucking demon Muppets right to... Let me try again. I saw those fucking demon Muppets that, to me, had been smoldering quietly in the dark corner of Satan's colon. As soon as I saw the video, I started yelling, no, fuck you, fuck you, slapping my phone off the bathroom counter. Remember how I said I like to watch by myself early in the morning and and so I'm not interrupted by my tiny or by tiny humans Well that moment of in bridal losing my shit immediately summoned my autistic five-year-old with his blurry eyes and his oversized Huggy-wuggy in hand so yes that creepy blue poppy playtown monster with jagged teeth. Judge my parenting later. He picked up my phone where it lay by the doorframe. His tiny elf hands on the screen just

happened to start the video back to the portion where Joe started playing the ring ask Genesis video to my absolute horror. He watched it and started laughing hysterically. At that point, my husband gets up and joins the bathroom party. He sees what our son is laughing at and grins wildly. This is when I realize I am Rosemary. I spawn Satan's son. The moment my husband realized what video

his offspring was so thoroughly enjoying was also his favorite music video, he played it for him repeatedly throughout the day. Now I am in my own version of hell what i think the funniest the pain that's just the snake just well well painted good job the funniest thing about that whole situation i just picture like her on the toilet like it like just moms in general you go to the toilet and then like the husband walks in there like

no pants on then the kids come in and so the whole family's in the bathroom. She's just trying to go, just trying to go to the bathroom. Just the head down and the, and the husband and son are doing the robot dance. He's like, yeah. Like they're giving each other high fives.

The wife just head down. Can I please just poop? Can I please just poop? Can I please just poop? Can I poop without getting my boob squeezed and having a robot dance in front of me? Please, just for a second.

All right. Thanks for sending that in there. Yeah, that's funny stuff. All right. Well, that's it. That's show 71. Let's wrap this thing up. Thanks to everybody

who is a part of the gaggle. You too can be Cardiff Giant. Cardiff Giant. Cardiff Giant. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Go check out everything Uncle Zach does. Scatcast! Yay!

All the shows, all the time. Head over to the Scatcast universe. Go to Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. You can follow CanYouDon't. He's the scat man! Instagram and Facebook, CanYouDon'tPodcast. Of course, on YouTube channel, just search for CanYouDon'tPodcast. And then send something into the show. I think we might do, You Don't Podcast, of course, on YouTube channel.

Just search for Can You Don't Podcast. And then send something to the show. I think we might do, I don't know, whatever. We'll talk about it. Maybe confessions next week. It's been a while. And get those things sent in. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com.

And a big thanks to the babysitters that run the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. I have three jokes for you. Oh. Halloween themed. You ready? I'm going jokes for you. Oh. Halloween themed. You ready? Trifecta, the Holy Trinity. Holy Ghost. Oh.

Zach! Yeah. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? These are all about vampires. Okay. How do vampires start their letters? Tomb may concern.

How do vampires get around town on blood vessels oh my god blood vessel you get it yeah what's a vampire's favorite part about sex i don't know. Edraculating. Nice. Hell yeah. That's a good one. Edraculating. Had never heard that. Oh, one. I'm on, dude. Edraculate on your titties.

Yeah. One, two. Who ever thought of that one? Out there in the world. Well done. You're good. And all the mean things. I'll give you a tip of the cap.

I'll dismiss if you're word about the barrel fish. I hope he's doing well. Yep. Hope you're doing well. I hope you're out there. Glowing up the deep sea. Yep. With your see-through eyeballs and brain.

Good stuff. Keep up the good work. All right. Wonder what their predator is. Everything's so scared of that thing. No way. Like, would you attack that? I would never.

I would never. What if it's mouth? Also see-through on the front of its face. Yeah, you you attack that? I would never. I would never. What if it's mouth? Also see through on the front of its face. Yeah, you look it up. Alright, if you subscribe to us on Patreon, the show keeps going.

If not, we'll see you guys next week. Adios! Bye! Bye.