Can You Don't? | Ding Dong. Ham Sandwich. Scream. Sad Room.
00:01Ding dong. Ham sandwich. Scream. Sad Room.Episode 212 of the Can You Jop podcast.2012? Remember 2012?No, not really. Remember when that was like when the world was going to end and stuff and they made a whole movie about it.Remember 2012?It's like every 10 years.Oh, man. Yeah. It's like every decade. We can't do this again.That was it.
00:44It was 2012 is the big one, though.They made a movie about it and everything.Really?I thought it was later than that.Like the tsunami waves and shit, that was 2012.Yeah.What?It was the Mayan calendar.
00:54I think it was called 2012, wasn't it?Yeah.I think so.Yeah.I guess I remember the exact date.That's crazy.I snuck into that movie and watched it, and then I think I walked back out to go suck on some tits.Because the movie sucked.
01:05I don't know.Because I was sucking.Well, if I'm going to, if the world's getting in, I'm going to suck some tears.No movie.Wait, 2012.Yeah, but that came out in, like,2001, right?No, it came out in 2012 or
01:172011. It came out, I was 13.No, I was beyond sucking tits then.Never mind. Let's see. But there was another disasterfilm that came out. Oh, there were a lot of, yeah.But at the time,the CGI was crazy.And it was like, I think a tsunamithat was hitting either
01:33California or New York. This is the New Yorkone, I'm pretty sure it's what you're thinking of it. Well, it's thisisn't it? I'm pretty sureit was 2012.There was a monk standing up on a mountain with atsunami wave coming out of it.Had Woody Harrelson in that. John Cusack.It got great reviews.
01:49Oof. 5.9 out of 10.Rotten 40% rotten tomatoes.2012, no, man. That was thatof college? What's the otherdisaster film?There's so many. I know.It came out in 2009.No, still. I was in college.
02:05I was thinking it came out later than that. I was getting out of college.The day after tomorrow, 2004.That's what you're thinking of.Fuck, that was it. Jake Gyllenho andDennis Quaid.Dennis Quaid.A vain disaster.And Ian Holm.
02:19This summer, everyone's underwater.Yeah, look at the Statue of Liberty's underwater.Yeah.That was it, dude.Yeah, I didn't stay.I had things to do.But that is the movie poster.I know exactly what you're talking about.
02:32I think I saw it in a theater.Yeah.Like, what am I doing here?This is so dumb.Why am I here?Where am I going?Supernova.Setting your content suggestions?
02:43Oh, wow, look at Supernova, 2012.Rotten Tomatoes, 9%.And it's a 2.2 on IMD.Oh, my God.Good Lord.Anthony Frankhauser is the star in that.We should watch it.Nahara Townsend.
02:58Sounds like Mystery Science Theater content.Yeah.Sending your content suggestions to, hey, guys,at can get our podcast.com.At the time that we are recording this episode,we are recording a few weeks in advance at this point,because Brian's kids are good at best.Baseball, we are three away.
03:16They got it from their mom.Yeah.We are three away from the Strumi over at patreon.comslash can you don't podcast.Please let me, I'm going to do radio voice commentary over the top of you guys eatingto stromy.The thing that's funny about that is like I know it's going to be awful, but hearingyour radio voice, I'm going to be, it's going to make me crack out.
03:41It's going to be a fucking disaster.There is nothing funny.about what you're about to go through.That's what I'm saying, but thecontrast of you,ooh, he's going to vomit.Super Chuck.See, I'm going to be vomiting
03:57and laughing.I think the smell and tasteof this particulardelicacy. Well, how much do you likefish in general? That doesn't matter.I've never really been a huge fish guy.How much do you like to smell of poop?and fish.
04:15Rotting.Rotting.For years and canned.I can't fucking wait.Do I have to swallow it?That's how you get out.You're done once you swallow a piece.He just made that rule up.
04:27No, we both did.I saw.No, no.I saw the twinkle in your eye.That's the rule.Nope.The rule is it has to at least go down.It's probably going to hit my throat and come back up.
04:36I don't know if I'll be able to get it down.Yes, a couple times.It probably will.Dude, I could throw up right now.I'm thinking about it.I know.You have no fucking idea.Please, guys, help us make this happen.
04:47Only three more.And I think we have like 490 free people.In the free one.And the free side of the Patreon.Just swap over.Let's get through this.Let's get the honkathon.Again, patreon.com slash can you know podcast.
05:03I think that's it.Let's just get this shit going.God, you have me just worried.You have me worried now.Zah!Shut up.Start the show already.Well, you fucking should be, dude.
05:17At least it's not a hot air balloon.That is true.They know.That's why it's climbing.They know and they want to see it.You have no idea, though, my stress level.I do, actually.I have a really...
05:29We've been debriefed a few times.We've been debriefed on your stress levels.Yeah.Love you.We love you.He doesn't think that we love him.You can...Well, man, no you do.
05:38Here's the thing is...I'll prove it after the show.Yeah, you could throw up all your stress.Like, just get it all...Any anxiety.you've ever had in your life, you'll throw it right up.And you'll be cured.A lot of throw up.
05:50Because I'm not a quiet thrower-upper.Yeah, that's all right.It's like a, it's a full-on.How are you going?How are you going?Remember you do that every once in a while?Yeah, the little mix-up.Like, whoa, what was that?
06:10Sheet Fighter 2.They're like, we can't play just the same sounds over and over.Okay, so we pulled this one from the World Wide Web.The WWW.Okay, and this is interesting, and I'm curious to see where you guys go with this.But would you rather only be able to travel by boat or only be able to travel by train?Train.Train.
06:34Not car.It's very slow, but it's very comfortable.Not Segway, but train.I've never traveled by train before.I was going to be my first follow-up question.Zach, have you done train stuff?Tons of train.I would not, if it's like the BART system in San Francisco, like that kind of crap, no.
06:54But if it's the nice train, the, you know, Pacifica or whatever it is.Sure.That would be perfect.Those are nice.So like the Amtrak.Amtrak, great.Great.What about Monorail?
07:05Are we thinking it's got to be trained like the old on a train track?We've got to figure it out.Old school train, not the Bart.Not the long wheel.It's not, yeah.It's not just like a, like a shuttle.Because I've used, you know, I've used subway systems and things like that.I think that to make this somewhat comparable, I think you should be able to get on like the BART.
07:27Right?Because that's the only way.Is that the trolley?No, no, no.It's just a straight terrain.That goes underwater.Yeah, it's tight.Yeah.
07:38But you have, the only thing you can do is travel by that.Bay Area Rapid Transit.And I'm assuming it says only be able to travel by that or that.You have to be able to walk to the vessel, right?Yeah.But a straight line.It's not like you have to install some sort of train system to your front doorbecause that's too much.
07:59Well, it seems like if you want to travel the U.S., you'd want train.Yeah.You want to travel anywhere outside of here, any other continent you didn't need a boat.Oh my God.Okay, Zach, great.This is a perfect example.You live next to a convenience store.Mm-hmm.
08:13And you just need an item.You need some cream cheese for something you guys are whipping up for an anniversary dinner.You want a bagel, but you're like, oh, shit.Yeah.Scooped out the last piece of cream cheese.You don't have it.You don't have it.And you have to go, you have one way that you can go, and it's out your front door,
08:31and straight to walking the nearest train shuttle system.So you can't go to your fucking convenience store.So if you forget something.your convenience store to go to a train?So that's the only way to travel.But we're not making them restructure the entire train system to your front door.Because that's, come on.That'd be crazy.
08:54Dude, they can't even finish the North South Freeway.But you walk out and you have to go straight to it.That's how you have to travel.So you have a grocery store or a convenience store right next door and you want to get it.You're like, you know what?I could really use the Gatorade.Guess what?You're going to take that fucking train.
09:09You have to wait for it.You have to wait for the train to show up.It's going to save you so much money, though.It is because you just, you'll be dead.Well, you won't be able to buy random things.And you'll be divorced?Yeah, fair.I guess your partner could go.
09:23So there's that.She chooses the boat.You choose the train.See who gets there first.It's fucking seeing hell.I mean, if you lived on a lake, still.For what?The lake has all the ends.
09:37If you lived on a lake, what?For fun while you starve to death?Like you got to get somewhereI guess you gotta go to the bait shopIf you live in the San Juan Islands or somethingIn Seattle does that meanYou can't go shopping on your islandYou have to take a boat to a different island
09:53Like a pull-upA pull-up shopI think soOoh that sucksAnd I have traveled by trainI'm sure it's been coveredIt's been four fucking yearsOf stories
10:05But my momIs terrified of flyingNo flyingI think she tried one timeand she'll never do it againand it's sad but her brain can't do airplanesso I grew up going from fucking Salt Lake Cityto Cleveland, Ohio on fucking trains
10:27made that trip about four or five timesHow long is that? DaysYeah, yeah. Many days.How'd you like it?As soon as we got old enough to have any sort of input,it, we never did it again.So that's how good it was.That's a good answer.
10:43But they had like hot ham cheese sandwiches.You don't get that on a greyhound.So let's say you want to go to Disney World in Florida.You're either riding a train or you're zipping around the Gulf.You're going through the Panama Canal.Fuck.That's out.You're just going to Disneyland.
11:08You're not going to Disney World.let's say Disneyland got exploded and then terraced.Then that's good for everybody.Then you don't have to take your little shitheads there and wait in line for two and a half hours to shake Elsa's hand.What if it was the same amount of time?Let's say just for a hypothetical situation, you go to Disney World, and it would take you the same exact time to ride the train or the boat through the Panama Canal, just for a hypothetical.Which way would you prefer?I'm just like, I'm just curious, like, which way would you rather travel?
11:42Would you rather travel by hydroplane?I'm assuming it took the same amount of time.What would you rather travel by?Oh my God, I'm just pictured Magella in a hydroplane.And Ms. Budweiser?Just ripping through the Panama Canal.Fernand Magellan, just heik, rooster down to back, America.I'm just like that's how the old birdo just ripping through.
12:09shooting guns up the sidemy land nowColumbusColumbus on a hydroplaneoh my godwhat is this to buy oh shitwewe
12:23the big assthe giant crambrbrbrbrbrbrumthe giant cranehelloand there's just all these nativepeopleare you readywe have come to rape and pill
12:39bitch.And there'll be a day named after me.What?The thing about it is that wouldn't be like Columbus came over on bigger boats with a bunch of people.Just imagine like a hundred hydroplanes because you got one or two people can fit at once.So you just have a train of hydroplains.Open water.Not a lake or anything.
13:08Ripping through the.ocean on a hydroplane.Those waves?They just be fucking,go over a huge hump,then how fun would that be to come down that wave, though, and just gun it?No, dude, they all be dead.I'm sure disease and famine were rampant.
13:28Well, yeah, because it took a while.But if everyone had their own hydroplane, it all be dead.If it took you three weeks to travel from this landmass to that,landmast, but you could do it in 30 minuteswith a hydroplane? You're not dyingof cholera. In White Oakleys?Yeah. Dude.It's sick.
13:48I miss watching the hydroplanes.Wouldn't they bring them back?They still around? Yeah, I know there are places I heard about.Down to Tri-State's brother, still got it.And then Seafar, over in Seattle.Used to be a whole thing here, apparently.Most like they used to do the mini-hydros.They had a riot. That's where I got my first heat stroke was the mini-hydro races.
14:07I thought of heat stroke was a type of.type of hydroplanes.Oh, yeah.Know what I mean?Yeah.Brian Johnson driving heat stroke.And I guarantee there's no.There's people out that have no idea what we're talking about.
14:20Look it up.Look up what fucking hydro planes are.And you'll know what we're talking about.They have to try.They're so big.When you see them driving on a trailer, they're at an angle.Yeah.They can't put them.
14:30It's vertical.They can't put them flat.They have to angle them so they don't stick out the side of it.One of those boats, catamaran's.Yeah.Yeah.It's like that.Yeah.
14:38But was a.fucking huge engine.With a huge boner.Yeah, yeah.It's a cat around with a heart on.And the rooster tail that hydroplanes produce is just mad.So they'd all be ripping down there and you're just getting hit with rooster tails.From 200 feet away?
14:56Okay.So travel by boat.So it just says boats.You can pick whatever type of boat you want to travel by.I don't think hydroplane of the open sea is the best choice might be.better than a canoeMm-hmmSo there's that
15:12Or travel by trainSlow, boringBut still fun and relaxingAnd safeAnd there's places you can goYeah, they're very safeScenery tooI mean it'd be a cool
15:23To ride through the country on a train be coolYeah, I get itAnd it is coolButLike your kid is likeCan you come to my baseball game todayAnd you're likeI'll be there in six months
15:34Do they have a train station?No?Then no.they will not be at your baseball gameyeah they have a tournament in Omahathey're like a little leagueearly you know just missed ityou have to leave your family two weeks early
15:46to go to their little tournamentI'll see you guys in a couple weeks I'll meet you down thereand I don't know for sure because we areI've never lived on the east coastbut I feel like the connectivity of the trainsystem's probably a little moreadvanced than out here in the westdude Chicago's a massive
16:05out here fucking no.Oh, you could jump onon, like, supply trains.Like a hobo.You just do a hobo thing.Do a hobo thing with a little sack.Yeah.A little stick and bindle.
16:19Yes.And still not go where you want to go.But we have to do a caveat.You get to jump off the train at the nearest spot towards where you want to go.Then you have to go straight to where you want to go.And you jump at your own risk.Your knees.I know.
16:33You just got to, you got a tuck in.roll a jump and just...If I had to pick, I'm picking a big ass boat,I'm picking a yacht, and I'mpicking California, or I'm picking,I don't know, well, I'm not picking theGulf of, is it Mexico or America?The Gulf of Tonga.
16:51The Baja.And you can get around and have plenty of fun.You go to Hawaii, you can takea hydroplane to Hawaii.What?Just come up to theWaikiki Beach.weighing 80 pounds
17:08okay I have to look this uphow longto take a hydrothis is I never thoughtwell you need the fuel you'd have to havea tanker you'd have to pirate and stealsome siphon some gas out of aor to something ship
17:27so okayof course AI has the answerI thinktraveling by hydroplane from the U.S. mainland of Hawaiiis not practical.No shit.It's not advisable.It's 2,400 miles.
17:44And he says,instead, here's some realistic ways to travel.Good question.Good question.No.What's the top one?The alternative.No, that was it.
17:55It just, it pivoted.It said commercial flights,cruise ship,or inner island.travel? That appliesI'm already there. Well, that would befun to go down from islandhopping in a hydroplane.
18:10If you're already in Hawaii.Mm-hmm.Can I have the boatfrom Thunder and Paradise that Hulk Hoganused to drive? Oof. Okay. Can I havethat boat? Sure. How fardoes a hydroplane even get on onetank of gas? I wonder.
18:23Fuck. Probably like not a hundred miles. Yeah, probablylike that. How far?Oh my God. How farcan a hydroplaneYeah, it's like, give it up, it's stupid, don't do it.On one tank.You sure are excited about hydroplanes.I have a hotline for you.
18:42Have I showed you picked?Yeah.Oh my God.So 2,400 miles away.How many tanks of gas?The unlimited hydroplane.I'm guessing that means like up.It sounds fancy.
18:58That's Ms. Budweiser.Yeah, can travel approximately 15 to 20 miles.I said 10.That's good.On a single take a guess.Yeah.Oh my God.That's like a $6 million travel.
19:13Yeah, I mean, like they...With a boat following you.Yeah.You can't go faster than the thing that's going to feel you.The tanker has to leave way ahead of you because you can't just sit around and wait for the tanker to show up a week later.Mm-hmm.You get 20 miles offshore and we have to wait for the tanker.they reach about 200 miles per hour
19:32and they have 3,000 horsepower.Yeah, dude.Which in nautical horsepower,like a swimming horse,it's a lot of horse power.They go so fast that sometimes they catch air.Oh, they do the,almost the whole time.
19:47That's the point.They try to eliminate any sort of water friction.Okay, I'm going to pick train.Sure.But you're stuck here.We're never leaving.you're never leaving North Americathere's a lot to see in North America
20:02there is a lotand you can probably get to South America tooand Central America obviouslyIs there a train that goes over theI'm not gonna keep searching shitNoAlright we have to move onWhen are they gonna build that train
20:13That goes underneath the AtlanticThat's a good questionYeahWe got the English channel going to FranceYou're just gonna hold out for thatYeah yeah I like thatAll right well we have to move offTo what are you thinking about
20:23Let's go Zach fuckHeyHey what's up babeWhat are you thinking aboutAh, you know, nothing.Actually, you know what?I'm thinking about a lot of shit.What are you thinking about?
20:35So this morning...Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.I was thinking about this, and we have talked about and dabbled in the biscuit.Which sounds like an urban dictionary term.It is not.Dabbling in the biscuit, actually could also be a urban dictionary term, but not in this case.
20:56So we...We're texting this morning, just talking about the show and figuring things out.And while we did that, I had to go to the store.And while I was out and about, I was listening to the radio and lit biscuit was on.And it was like, it was new biscuit.Oldies Radio.No, no, this is brand new biscuit.Brand new banger.
21:18Brand new biscuit.And I just had this thought.I was like, what?Like, there's a lot of shit that's going full circle right now.Like, a couple examples.These are weird examples.But, like, Hillary Duff is back.What?
21:38What the fuck is happening?Bring Me the Horizon just dropped a fucking killer death core track.And that's where I found Bring Me the Horizon was they were a heavy-ass metal band.Heavy-ass metal core, death core, whatever, band.And then they went,pop for a long time and they were still good.They regret at what they did.And they just dropped a video on this news track that's like,
22:00I was like, I didn't know all he could still do that shit.And so that's coming out.And then of course, Biscuit is handling business.And I just sat back, what the fuck is happening?And when it comes to the limp, Mr. Biscuit,I had this like kind of realization where when they were popular and I loved them.Like I love $3 bill, y'allAnd significant other
22:27Hot dog flavored waterOr chocolate, whateverI'm a hot dogchocolate starfishWhich is such aOkayJust saying that album nameIs why no one
22:40Took them fucking seriouslyBecause I don't know if they didAnd I don't know if they actually knewThat this was going to happen to himI don't think they didBut everybodymade fun of themif you were like from a musician standpoint
22:54or you had any tie into themusical business. Everyone'slike, this is trash. This is fucking terrible.And if you look at their lyrics,it is not great.And I'm a big lyrics guy, but I wasn'tin eighth grade. Yeah. Right.Right. It was just like, you're right.
23:12And I'm fucking... It is allabout the Nookie. And I'mfinding out I had to ask my dad what Nookie was.Like, that's how good these lyricsare. Poetic. AndI was doing like this cross between doing like inline skating and skateboardingand figuring out where I was because I started being what they used to call back then a fruitbooter.You guys remember that?
23:35No.Oh,you guys weren't part of the scene.Yeah!So doing inline skating.And then I was like, ah, skateboarding sounds like more fun.So I was doing this and I had my own ramps.My dad built was like a quarter pipe at a fucking half pipe and all these boxes.
23:50And we're blasting.significant other out the garage door,not really understanding to the neighborhood.Who was just looking at these dudeswearing Jankos?Fucking inline skating and skateboarding.It's like, break your fucking face tonight.And they're like, I'm trying to put my two-year-old down.
24:13Yeah.Fuck.And so I was blasting it.And then as I kind of tuned inin the World Wide Web became a lot more connected,and you're trying to be cool, you've realized everyone fucking hated them.And you're like, oh, all right.And it didn't really shape me, but also kind of turned you off.
24:30And it really shut them down, too, because they were huge,and then they just vanished off the face of the planet.Now they come back and, questionably,are bigger than the ever were in the early 2000s.And I think I figured out why.And the reason is humanity has become so.so dumb, that now their lyrics are on par.They're like intuitive lyrics now.
25:00You're like, that's so deep and you're like, is it?I can relate to that now.Is it?Like, for us, it was just groove and fun.And they were saying like, angsty shit, like,saw you in half with the chain son.But just your generation!Yes.
25:16Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, roll.Don't give a fucking...Fuck, just all that.And they got made fun of that because there's no depth.And everyone was right.And once it clicked, you're like, yeah, this is dumb.Then they came back and they're still doing the same exact thing.But it seems like they're fucking bigger than they ever were when we were kids.
25:39Well, I never saw the biscuit left.It's, uh, I saw them.I've seen them.There, it's, I think the thing that you're trying to pinpoint here, though, why, though, is everything,everything always comes full circlefor kids. Like they start listeningto music that came out 23 years.I listen to Libb. I listened to Led Zeppelin
25:59Pink Floyd when I was younger.Andkids are listening to older music, Nirvana,things like that and Limbiscuit.But then it's not just that. It's thenostalgia of the parents goinglike, it's fun to see those guysdoing it because you're like, fuck yeah, dude.
26:16They're still doing it. And they were sohated, right?It'd be like if Nickelback got thethe Nickelback got.But Creed's coming back.And they shut it down.Yeah, I know.I get it.
26:25So Creed was hated and went away.And then they came back.But it's just his face.They came back though.And it's like now people are like, it's like the ironic liking of something.But Creed arguably now, I mean, not bigger than they were.No.But meme wise and internet wise, they're massive.
26:47And everyone's like talking about Creed and stuff like that.It just has a way of coming around.And then people that hated them can kind of go,you know what?Who cares?I'm not young anymore.I don't have to hate this band.I can kind of embrace it.
27:01I had to hate it before type of thing.Yeah.Like you feel like you have to hate Limbiscuit when they're at the best thing.You're like,I can't be liking Limbiscuit.And then it's like,it's fine to like them now because they're in their 50s.I never stopped liking them.
27:18And I have that same respect for bands that have done,giant shit. Like, I can't hateNickelback. They're not for me.Yeah. But I don't, I don'thate him. They're not shit.They've, I mean, they're so good.He's got one of the best voices ever.I know. And they just, it's just
27:32something about his fucking faceand his, in hispermed hair that no one,everyone's like, can't connectwith this. Hate it. Don't want to be you.Like that kind of vibe.Fred Durst was like an outspoken kind of aD-bag, which
27:48transferred to their lyrics. Like, I getThe thing about Limbiscuit, though, was at that time, it was very, like, the Wigga thingwas starting to happen.White guys infiltrating, it was like M&M, all that stuff.White guys infiltrating, like, urban culture and hip-hop culture, stuff like that.So there was all, so Fred was, they were metal, but they did the rap thing.And so people thought it, they couldn't take him serious because he was trying to rap.And he wore backwards and he wore baggy pants.
28:24There was a lot to hate about him if you didn't already, if you didn't like the idea of the white guys in the rap scene.So there were weird.I remember being weird things like, like Limp Bizkit, but there's something about Fred that annoys me.Like, I remember having those feelings.Like, I owned all the Limpisket CDs, but there was something about Fred that kind of annoyed me.It was like he's trying to be too cool.but now looking back as in my 40s, I'm like,he was just fucking off.
28:53He was just making it happen.But at the time, I remember thinking like,he's trying to be way too cool,because I don't think I saw what he was trying to do.Yeah.And so you can appreciate it now because you're like, who cares?It was fun music.That's really all that matters.
29:09Everyone tries to tear the thing down that gets too big.And it is funny that new metal and then you have like punk pop,emoit all came backand I didn'tdidn't even have to trywith my kidsfor them to like it
29:25I'm like yeahI was like you get itbut in a different categoryis Lindbiscuitbecause a lot of the emo shitlike you get itlike they're doingkind of intricate stuff
29:34you know you listen toMy Chemical Romanceand they do their shreddingand stuff like they're good musiciansnot saying like Wesis not a good guitaristI kind of put them in the same spotas what Tom Marello
29:47just doing different stuffbut it's not like it'sit's not fucking crazy hardit's just a new wayto approach itbut it is really funnyto watch and come backand when they came back
30:00it's not like Fred Durstwent back to what Fred Durst washe came back as grandpawhich is so funnyyeah he's rocking new balancesand like a in like aand just white shirt and stuffyeah because they
30:15he it's because he's likeI'm just fuckingwalking off, I'm having a good time. Not taking myself serious. So it is funny to watch them come back anddo it again. But they did have their own, to their credit, like, if you come out and you're somethingnew, like, Limbiscuit burst onto the scene because they were original. Yeah, kind of.Well, they had biscuit, there was corn, there was Lincoln Park. But they were, they're all different.But yeah, in a way. If you didn't listen to all of their music, you would say they all sound the same,but anybody listen to the music can say
30:48they're different because of this.Lincoln Park and Lincoln Park dressed more of how they sounded.Or what I say?Yeah, Lincoln Park.And then Limbiscuit was not.It was like, it was just all different characters.One person was dressing the way that it was supposed to be.And the rest of them were not.
31:06And I guess Lincoln Park's lyrics were somewhat better in some ways.They were, I think, better.I think Lincoln Park took themselves more serious.then yeahyeahthis is fromLimbiscuitthis is
31:20break stufflive in Berlinand this isonly a coupleweeks agojust look atand they're atand they have to have
31:31all the lyricson the screenbecause it's noteven theyou knowplaceplace is goingthis way
31:40just likebreak your fuckingfaceto nightplace is goingnuts.Dude.All those sword knees.
31:48What is that?Is that, you think that's 200,000?It looks like Woodstock 99, man.Woodstock 1999.Europe knows how to do metal.Yeah.You think this is, you think that's 200,000?I don't know.
32:06So, Covem, kid.That's so fun.There's something about,No way.So, like, New Metal just had a way of, like, there were so many bands that never made it that, like, there was a band called Switched that I really liked.Saw them live a couple times, and they were just like, it was good.But, you know, like bands like that, Limbiscuit got all the craven.And like, there were some good bands from like the early 2000s that just never quite caught on.
32:44But it was, yeah, flaw.But it was like they, they were.the originators from like tune in way thefuck down like slip knot was likelow a just soso so heavy and a lot of the bands nowthey're the guitar'sdifferent but it's still tuned down
33:00so low to make it sound heavy but theyreallybrought in the like thethe heaviest sound there wasI think that was last week that I showedor yeah showed you guys or played for you guysrefused new noisewhat was crazy
33:151989 that still blows my mindFucking what?If you don't know what I'm talking about, go listen to that shit.Like it makes no sense that they're that far ahead of the curve.But like, so like Rage Against the Machine, Limbiscuit bands like that,what I think what I liked about them and it was groovy is like you'd have like a groovy verse or whatever it is.And then it would just go from like, you're kind of like into it.And then there was this moment where it's just like you can feel the bill up to boom.
33:44And then it was like, like that video like everyone's just going fucking.nuts and they were so good at thattaking something just boomboom boom and then just fucking hammeringa storyline yeah anywayit's super funny super funny to me that limp biscuitis back oh shit boysspeaking it back for the golden
34:02geeseStephen GreerDaniel SpurrMatthew Leppardthe sofa kingJordan HollidayTa ZuttenhofDaniel
34:15AkaiNeilDuffettyEM3JasonKrizerA little too muchIf he's like a UFC
34:33fighterThat's what the announcer didKrizer6-2450 poundsI don't knowJasonKrizer
34:44Fighting out ofI don't know where he's fromRochesterI don't knowGet that upYou sounded goodThank you guys so muchThose are our Golden Geese
34:54Support us on that topThat top tierOver at patreon.comSlash Canyon know podcastLet's slide in to some dickZach would you do itIs it dullThen it's dick
35:10Dick dickThat it's dickDickThat it's dickOh fuckRemember he had aSex tape come outWho?
35:24Fred DurstNever watched itHow's that hog?Nothing impressive.Medius.Seems about right.I mean, it could have been.I don't remember.
35:35It's been a while.I think I downloaded it in.Casa or Kazar or something.Kazar Limewire.Hey, you risk it.You risk it for the biscuit.You never know you're going to get.Men, man tackled children off bikes,
35:50dragged one into his home after being ding-dong ditched for weeks,police say.This guy was fucking sick of it, dude.Yeah, I get it.Mount Pleasant, South Carolina.W.C.S. Gray News.Okay, great.A man in South Carolina is facing charges after police said he attacked children who were ding-dong ditching him for weeks.
36:14Man, we called it something else when I...Yep.Do you remember what it was called?Mount Pleasant Police said, Chad Larson, 50, is charged with kidnapping, a...salt and battery of a highand aggravated nature.That's in the law books?It's high
36:35and aggravated.How high was it? How high?Pretty high.Like, at least, at least here.Imagine the lawyer, and he's like, at least.I'm 5'10.And his...Dude, his assault was
36:48six footer. He brings outone of those carnival, like,measuring sticks. He must be thishigh for high and aggravated.You must be at least 48 inches high to get high and aggravated.Assault charges?An assault in battery in the third degree.Police said the incident happened Monday afternoon.
37:10Oh, man.On a Monday?On a Monday, dude.The week's just getting started.What a day.He must have had a rough weekend, too, because Monday, he's like, fuck.This is it.That's it.
37:22I'm going to kill him.Larson reportedly told...I don't care if I get fucking high and aggravated.I'm going for high and aggravated.High and aggravated nature is the word.It's a high and aggravated nature.Larson reportedly told please that two weeks ago,a group of children started ringing his doorbell and running away.
37:41Sometime during those weeks, Larson said he drove around to try to track down the children.Larson was woken up from a nap Monday.Ooh.Fuck, right now I'm on Larson's side.And it was told that the children were out to,outside and wanted to speak with him.A police report said, he went outsideunder the assumption that the children wanted to
38:02apologize. But Larson saidthat they used the opportunity totaunt him before takingoff on their bikes.When he realized the childrenwere coming back, Larson hidin the neighbor's bush to wait untilthey got close enough for him to tackle them
38:21off their bikes. Just playing their game.I too playedthis game.You get woken up from a napYour hair's all natty.Yeah.And you're just like sitting in a bush.Like fuck him.
38:34I'm gonna get him.He's like,they need to get a little bit closer.I got to,I got to review this.Hold.Hold.So a group of children started ringing his doorbell.
38:43Sometime during those two weeks,Larson said he drove around finding him,woken up from a nap,and was told that the children were outside.Maybe someone,like his wife or somebody in the house was like,the kids are out there and they want to talk to you.God, these kids are good.
39:03Hi, ma'am.They take off...The little hat slide down.They take off their 50s newspaper hat.Like they're selling it like, ma'am, I am so...We are so deeply sorry.Can you bring your husband up here?You know, they're like, fuck you!
39:20She said, oh, he'll be so pleased.He's napping right now.That sounds like some Dennis the Menace shit.Extra, extra, get fucked all of them.about it.It sounds like Eddie Haskell from Leave It to Beaver.Larson told police he grabbed the other child by the neck and arm and dragged him into his home.Get in here, you little fucking asshole.
39:44You sit here to your friends.Fucking ding-don ditch me.Say you're in here and that...Here, try and take a nap.How about you guys nap?Take these...Wake up!Wake up!
39:56Wake up! Your friends are here!What's the thing that...That voice you use.It's me.There's a...No, there's a character that you use doing that voice.I'm fucking...Oh!
40:14The...Run, Doug, run!Yeah, I was going to say the screaming scene from the hot air balloon basket.We're all going to die!That guy?Yeah.Okay.According to the police report,
40:30Larson was holding a rock while holding the child and told the child, I should hit you with this rock.I'm back off Larson's side.He told police he did not hit the child with the rock.Yeah.I said I was thinking about it.I didn't say I did it.This is medium.This is medium battery at best.
40:49This is not high aggravated.I held him down.This is medium controlled in nature.When police got to the scene, officers saw Larson holding under the child through the closed glass door.The handle had been broken off and the other officer had to retrieve it to open the door and detain Larson.He's trying to put the door handle back on so they can open the door.Slide it.Yeah.
41:13I can't open it.Have you tried?Have you tried opening it?I'm going to go find the handle first.I'm going to see if he hits him with the rock.I want this thing to be extremely high in aggravated in nature.High is not high enough.It needs to be high, really high.
41:32Extremely high.Extremely high and aggravated nature.Okay, back to you.Officers called emergency medical services for the child.It's unclear if the child was hurt.But they did say Larson cooperated with the officers.He told me that he knows what he did was wrong,but he continued to speak as though the juveniles were the ones doing the wrong.
41:51Yes!Court records show that the judge did not set a bond.Larson was being held at the Al-Canon Detention Center.Damn. How fucking naughty was Al.Al Cana to get a detention center.He just named it after him.He's like, you basically live here, dude.What charges do you want to make up, Al?
42:11I think high and aggravated in nature is one I'd love to put on the list.Just something that's came to my mind.I like it.It's a different scale of levels of high.You guys just keep doing that.Color-coded, if you want.Yeah, color-code the highs.That's what I visualized.
42:28Low and calm or the...In nature.Like when they did the threat, the red and orange and yellow.Yeah.Or like the little fire.Fire danger signs.Well, yeah.It's like pointing out the, in the hospital.
42:41It's like, how sad are you?You look at the faces.And you're like, the one or he's like, he's not, it's not a frown or a smile.He's just.Yeah, six.Not a five.It's that meme of that kid.Five is straight across.
42:55Yeah.Five is just like.That's just doing, like five is just doing your job.Yeah.Right?And then it just gets, is it progressively sad or does it go to happy?I don't remember how the smiley face chart works.I'm sure that's how it works.
43:12I mean, imagine if they didn't, we're like, well, actually, I can't find a chart.So if you could just make the face that you're thinking.Here, text me the emoji of how sad you are.It's the guy that's like, he's like, ooh.Just waiting for the weekend.I don't know, buddy.Happy Friday.We'll see what happens.
43:29Fuck.Holding a rock and threatening kids is a bit much.But it's,when you are getting terrorized by the neighborhood fuckheads.You can,I can see where it's coming,like you're finally just like.Gotcha.
43:46Yeah.You're like,that's it, dude.Like,I want this to stop.How do I make this stop?Because you're like,hey,
43:52don't do it.They're not,they're going to,they're like,that's funny.You're trying to,like,maybe you're,
43:59You're so fucking beat and you're trying to take a nap and they're just out there's out there going,you know, like banging on his.No.That sound eventually would just become a trigger.I think I would take out the doorbell.I would like take out the ringer.Replice the door with the foam door.Yeah.
44:17They run up there and knock and it's like,I'm sorry.Wait, no.It's like pushing in one of those.Yeah.It's like pushing in one of those swimming pads.No, like the giant lily pads.Oh, yeah.
44:28Get for the boat.Right.Walk out there and he's like,squeak, squeak, squeak, sweet.Nothing happens.You're like, well, fuck,let's go find someone else to torment.I get the reaction.
44:39The rock dragging the kids insideand holding a rock over their head.That's, you're taking,I mean, again, I get it.I would almost just show a gun.Yeah.You come back, you're going to get some lead in your ass.And you don't do it.
44:52You don't kill the children.But you scare the shit out of them.And then now it's someone else's problem.You come out with a BB gunand just do like a pump.Mm.They're like, try it.They show up in armor and you're like, God, these fuck.
45:05Just squeak.Squeak like walking up in night's armor.I would just sit in an old rocking chair with like a daisy rifle.Just squeak.But that's what you're doing?He's taking a nap.It's not like he's busy.I think he's busy.
45:19Take a nap in the rocker with a gun sitting next to you and see what they do.A little neon sign just says I have a gun.Mm-hmm.Beware of dogBeware of gunBeware of me with gunIt's a sign that he wroteAnd it's spelled wrong
45:36Beware ofAnd then it clearly said dog beforeAnd he's like it's scribbled outHe says me with gunBeware of me with gunOkayAnd you guys hadYou guys have done this
45:49Right?Oh yeahYeahWhat's the worst one you guys have doneBecause we did pull offGod damnit's been a bitbut if you if you guys have been listening to
46:01the podcast and the shit thatI've talked about you guys know this nameit's fucking TJfucking TJ dudemy cousin was TJman we did some shit dudeTJtake it to the Matthew Bridge
46:17yeahticket to the Matthew's houseand bring the doorbelland we pulled off the flaming bag of shitoh best onewe did itgood jobstepped and pulled it
46:27poop again.And we were right across the street in the fucking bushes and watched it happen.And he was so mad.We didn't do it again.We did not do it again.But we would get bored.It was, you know, summertime, run around, riding our fucking mongoose or red lines.I'm sure someone had a huffy or Scott.
46:49He was a coffee in there.Yeah, Scott in there.And we were riding those things around.And this house, the way it was lit, the door was, like, it presented.itself. Just a white housewith pillars. Supereasy to get to. Perfecthiding spot in the little
47:05park across the way. We could hide in the bushes.And so they were just the easytarget. And we terrorized this motherfucker.We fuck.At least threeto five times. We didthis over the course of like a month.That's a lot of times in a month.
47:22And then one of them was a flamingbag of shit. And I'msure we learned it from something.Billy Madison.Yeah, maybe.Could have been CKY.I don't know exactly where the foundation came from that corrupted us.But we did it.
47:36And he stomped on it.And immediately his foot's covered in shit.And he was so fucking pissed.Does it barefoot?No.He had socks on, maybe even slippers.But we're hiding in bushes, right?And he starts coming out.
47:52And we get on our bikes.And right away, T.J. doesn't.He stays in the bush.He wants to watch it.he turned out fineI want to see what I want to see what I've doneI want to see what the chaos that I've createdand none of us would do it
48:06he did it he watched itthe guy walked out into the streetyou know fucking probably 20 feet awaylooking out there likeyou fucking kidswiping shit off his socksoh manand he just stayed in the bush
48:18do you think he knew which kids did itno we were from an adjacent neighborhoodoh okay yeahwe weren't neighbors of themwe were smarter than thatyeah you don't want toterrorize your own neighborhood.You don't want a shit where you eat.
48:30Fuck that, dude.You don't want a flaming bag of shit where you eat.That's a perfect segue.Should we take it? Let's fucking go.Yeah.Let's fucking do it.All right. Let's take our next dick.Right in the fucking gob.
48:42Former San Antonio cop who fed homeless manshit-filled sandwichgets a big promotion.Hell of a job, Johnson.You're a terrible person.You want a raise?No, it's not quite that way.So a former San Antonio police officer accused of feeding a homeless man a sandwich stuffed with dog feces is now the chief of police of a small South Texas town of Benavides.
49:14That sounds like a disease.Benevetus disease?Yeah.I've got a...My Benavetus is flaring up again.Oh, you don't want herpes?Yes.She's, she hasn't, I haven't seen her in a week, she's been home with Benavitas.
49:31You can see the commercial with the pretty people running in the beach.Do you have Benavitas?One 800 Benevitus.You might be entitled to compensation.Fuck.Okay.So one time San Antonio Police Department officer Matthew Luckhurst was appointed top cop in the town of about 1,100 people.Let's dial back to top.
49:56top cop. You have 1,100people. Only cop.There are three cops, maybe.Yeah. And that's more like a sherifftype of situation. Like you just, onesheriff. So gonorrhea city clerkTiffany Bason toldthe current
50:12Benavita City Council discussedand voted on appointingLuckhurst as the town's new chiefof police back onApril 30th. That's the guy thatfed the homeless guy shit, right?Yeah, we hate the homeless.Love it.
50:26Promote him.Promote them.We need more shit sandwiches.More shit sandwiches.Shit, sandwich.When I say shit, you say sandwich.Sandwiches?Prior to his promotion,
50:38Luckhurst worked as one of the two officers in townand earned a school-based law enforcement officer license back in April of 2024.Luckhurst was terminated from the San Diego or San Antonio Police Department in 2020 followingtwo poop-related incidents.So we're going back a decade.Back in 2016,San Antonio Police Department investigatorsaccused Luckhurst of giving a homeless man
51:06a sandwich filled with dog ship while on patrol.And then a month later,Luckhurst found himself in anotherstinky situation over allegationshe took a dump in a San AntonioPolice Department's woman restroomwithout flushing and rubbed a brown substance with the consistency of topeka?Tapioca.
51:30Tapioca on the toilet seat after a female officer asked for the facilities to be kept clean.This dude just loves shit.Big fan.Yeah, this is only what we've caught him doing so far.Do you think it'd be okay if someone cleaned the bathroom?You got it.This fucking bitch.This bitch.
51:51Just.Tapioca.How do you like it?Dude, I'm imaginingthis guy, he's driving byand seeing the homeless guy, and he's like,oh, I got an idea.And then...
52:02Be so hot if he had shit in his mouth?To visualize, like, this copstopping at a park or something,and he's like, he's walking through the parkjust kind of looking around.And then he's got, like, a little baggy and everything.It happens to have bread.Which also isn't out of...
52:17Maybe he's going to feed the geese.Yeah, he's a pocket full of bread.He's like, God, if there's something to put in this breadand feed to this homeless guy.It's just the idea this guy's like working and he's just walking around and he's likescoping out the park looking for poop and he's like, oh, hell yeah.Hell yeah.Let's get this to a homeless guy.
52:34And then having to prepare it, that's like if it was already, if it was magically just likea shit sandwich you give it to him, but you have to prepare that.Yeah, you have to do so much work.Did he add mayo and all that kind of shit to it and little lettuce to dress it up?I'm just, you say mayo and my brain goes to.a bad spot.Just a cum coverdog shit sandwich.
52:57The guy jizzes on the brain while he's in his car.Here you go.Would you rather?Yeah, would you rather be marriedto Lockhurst?Although Luckhurst avoided beingfired over the first incident on atechnicality, San Antonio
53:11Police Department can the officer in 2020over the second ofshitting and rubbing shit.That was, that's the line.Now you, listen,We'll let it slide with assaulting and assaulting homeless people.That's not a big deal of us.But you start shitting in women's bathrooms, dude.
53:32You got to go.We have to let you go.Luckhurst subsequently found employment with the Floresville Police Department before being fired in 2022.I made public uproar over reporting of his rehiring.Yeah, that makes sense.Wait, this is the guy that shit.get everywhere, multiple occasions. What are we doing?So, Comedia Mayor Romero Sanez was unavailable for immediate comment to Luckhurst's promotion.
54:01However, Crabs prior police chief, Andre Heinz previously told the current that Luckhurst met employmentstandards upon his hiring.As required by the state of Texas, we have to do a background check, Heinz said.And so when Luckhurst was applying for employment.here with the city ofAIDS, we requestall informationfrom those, these previous agencies
54:30that he has worked for.Aden's.Agen's.Just passing the blame.Yeah.Like, listen, we did our job.Everyone else let us down by saying that hedidn't shit in the same way
54:43or pick up dog poop and give it to a fucking homeless guy.It's not on us.They just failed to report it.I mean, maybe he wasreally good at his job, though.Doesn't sound like it.I'm trying to get in bed with the doubt.Dude, I'm picturing him sitting.
55:00He's sitting at the park.Like he saves babies, but also feeds shit sandwiches?Yeah, he gets cats out of trees.Okay.So visualize him sitting at a park, like putting together the sandwich, and then he getsa call over the radio and we're like, yeah, we've got a, we've got a potential robbery.Yeah, we've got a 4924 going on at the, uh, the, uh, the,hardware store, some like that.
55:23No, at the, at the fucking, at the, God damn it, like,assisted living facility.Right.At the nursing home.And they're like, it's on fire.We need somebody.Johnson or, or luck is you available?He's like, right in the middle of something.
55:35Send Johnson.He's like, I'm too, I'm too busy.And he's just over there like making a shit sandwich look good.Or he's putting it together.He's like, fuck yeah.He's about to open the door.It's like, oh, we got a 48.99.There's a fire at a senior living facility.
55:51And he's like,God damn it.He wraps up the shit sandwich and foil,sets it aside,go saves 15 old people,and then drives back to shit,or to feed a fucking dog shit sandwich to a homeless guy?He's like,
56:06I'm not perfect.Listen,I did two things today.I did two things.I saved 15 people.15 old people.And served up a shit sandwich to a homeless guy.You tell me which ones, yeah.
56:18Is this high aggravated in nature?this is medium at best and you know it you know it officerbecause we have to let you go listen you can stay on this timedon't do anything weird with poop moving forward i promise i will notnever touch i will never touch dog shit again and then one week latershits fucking rubbed shit all over the fucking they didn't say anything about comeyeah thank you for you i didn't seei wasn't even shit your honor
56:50Your Honor, he clearly said don't feed shit to homeless people.This has come.I came in a sandwich.So, directions unclear.Case is missed.I love the idea that you're just looking for some sort of a technicality.It wasn't technically a sandwich.It was one piece of bread.
57:12There was no condiment on it.It was just bread.It was just bread in my come.It was more dingleberries than anything.Yep.Right.You can't keep doing this.And that's a fruit.
57:22You can't be putting dog shit in food anymore.Okay, fine.But no, you didn't say anything about human shit.You didn't say anything about human shit.Come, beaver shit.He's like, so tell me.rewrite the rule book.Won't you tell me.
57:37You tell me what the rule is.All right.Oh, I'm sorry.Oh, you fucking can't come on a bread.Why don't you tell me?All right, petty beef, Zach, roll it.Silence in the court.You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.
57:57The people are real.The cases are real.The rulings are final-ish.This is Petty Beef.Barry.Who?What's, uh, what's not?Oh, uh, wasn't it, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, what?
58:19What?Uh, uh, Gwen Stefani.What about her?That song that did with no doubt where she's goingShe's doing that pan thingYeah she isDude I remember likemasturbating to that
58:32Just the sound like she was pantWhat song is that?It's the one where they're in the boatWith the jet skisI remember the music videoTRLCarson DavisShe's just going
58:43And it's likeOh my GodIt was there was that one has a funky riffLet's see if we can get theI can't remember what the song isYou find itAnd I'm going to start reading thisMy search is no doubt jet ski video
58:58With heavyPantingOh hella goodBut how did it go though?Like thisAre you ready?AdsNo ads
59:08Doom po doomOhBancBambanYeahYeahYeahYeah
59:17Don't drown her outOkay sorryGodWhen did she do it?I don't remember.Right here, right here.Oh.Yeah, dude, that's all it took.
59:38The shorts are a little revealing.You better be careful.And you're going to fucking.Just Moses like tractor jerkin.Fucking driving tractor jerkin dick.Yeah.God damnAlright back to you
01:00:02It didn't take much back thenYeahSame by AndrewOkay hey AndrewHello fellow fathers and or husbandsHelloWait whatI have a fun
01:00:15Petty Beef that I'm sureHas definitely happened to you guys at some pointSo let me give a little backstoryI drive a lot for a livingI'm not a trucker or anything like thatBut I've put about 40,000 miles a yearOn my work carand every time I go out with my family,
01:00:30or every time I go out with my family.Okay.I'm also typically the driver.So it is safe to say that I have a lot of experience behind the wheel,and then I'm reasonably competent driver with a clean driving report.Okay.Anywho, every time my wife is in the same vehicle as me, I'm driving it,and I'm driving it feels like she need the need to gasp or scream when the car dozens of feet
01:00:58car dozens of feet in front of us lightly taps their brakes.Okay, yeah.I know that feeling.Yep.She then proceeds to tell me that she saved us from an accident.And that I should pay more attention.I may not be a small man, but all the zero times I've been in a wreck with them.I've never been in a wreck with them.
01:01:22Okay.That didn't make any sense.Okay.Zero times I've been a wreck with them.I have never been in a wreck with them.I would leave it there and just chalk it up to her being anxious.But then she drives, it's like she's trying to race every car in the freeway to wherever we're going.Okay.
01:01:42Do you know what a hypocrite is?On our most recent drive, where she was on the other side of the car, I happened to look over and see the speedometer has three digits displayed on it.Zero, zero one.Mm-hmm.I then told her as politely as I couldthat the tires on the truck aren't rated for that kind of speedand she should slow way down.Maybe slow down.
01:02:06Because they would explode in any second.Hold on.Hmm.I have thoughts.We're going to hear the rest of this story.Imagine if the tires of your carbetween 70 and 100 would blowup. You just don't know. If you went too fast, they exploded?
01:02:33I don't know. These cars aren't rated. These tires are not rated for102 miles an hour. Didn't the fires don't have that issue? But they're fine for 80.I didn't even know that was a fucking thing. Tires are tires, right? If your car can goa hundred, shouldn't all the tires allow you to go that fast? Not necessarily. These blow up?Doesn't seem like there be so many blow up. Doesn't seem like there'd be so many blowown up tires all the time.I think that happens in race,racing, right?
01:03:03They have to get specially rated tires.Yeah, they're thicker.Yeah.But they give us some leeway.Imagine if you go from 60 to 85,they're like, these are not 85 mile hour tires.And these all just go and kill your family.Just explosions all over the freeway.
01:03:22I just don't think so.I don't think they're meant to go for 100 miles an hour for extended periods, though.Sure.It's going to run through the tread pretty quack.Well, they're going to get pretty hot, too.Yeah, exactly.Oh, speaking of hot.The friction that would cause.
01:03:35I mean, in NASCAR racing, you know, they're ripping.And then those right front tires take a beating because they're turned and left so that all the pressure is on that right front.And so a lot of times that tire goes.Yeah.I just like picture in like a 16-year, you're jerking off on a tractor.It's all took.Okay.I also jerked off to Madonna's...
01:04:01I'm a Maca Virtuechial.No, no, it was the one that was a new song at the time,but it was the one she's like,oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.I don't remember that one.I don't remember that one.Maybe it was an overaction on my partto get her to calm down,
01:04:21but I don't think anyone wants to catch8,000 pounds of pickup truck travelingat the speed of mock.Fuck!I'm curious,where you guys take on this?I love her to death, and I don't want to have to perform the old ejecto seat,but I do definitely think that she's using weaponize incompetence
01:04:40to get me to drive every single time.I'm not going to lie, it's definitely a fair point,considering I fold her laundry inside out whenever she doesn't flip iton accounts of her removing clothing like it's saran wrap.But there aren't state troopers who are going to give us a ticketfor me being a bit of a sarcastic dick about the laundry.Okay.Not yet.
01:05:04The, yeah, there's there's something to what is happening.I, with my wife, it's, it's, the thing that's frustrating sometimes is she'll be on her phone.And then we'll be driving and then she'll look up and see where we're at and be like, oh, you were supposed to turn back there.Be attached to the world.And then it's like, okay, well, where were you?And then, so then when she's like, we should.do something, then I'm like, then I get freshly.Like, well, maybe you should pay more attention.
01:05:34Or you can drive if, you know, if you know where we're going.Yeah.The over scared passenger, in my experience, typically female, is a little annoying.But it's not that, it's not that bad.But it is wild when it goes the other way.And they are crazy.And you are not allowed to say a fucking thing.Like you cannot
01:06:01But you can't see anything ever thoughYou can't be likeYou should have done this this wayIf you say oh you just missed itWhen you were on your phoneIt's cool if you're accountableBut not so much other wayAnd you know this is true ladies
01:06:20You know it's trueThey know it's trueSocial feelingsSee that even bringing this upFeels like what we're discussingWell I feel like I'm gonna get in troubleYou are in troubleLike you bring it up
01:06:31And right now, I feel like I'm already, I'm going to get yelled at.Yeah.So I'm a little scared.You know, just PTSD.Mm-hmm.There are different ratings for tires.One of them, if you have a J-rated speed tire, like a speed rating that is 62 miles per hour,is that just like a fast go-kart?
01:06:57The thing is, is weight depends, too.like so if they're driving a big truck like he says there if you're going 100 miles an hour in a gianttruck that's different than going in a sedan you know it's so that's a lot of poundage tooso i'm looking up my car right now so mine has a h or v rating which means it can handlesustained speeds of 130 to 150 that that makes sense right and i feel like moat'smost cars would sit around there.But who's going a sustained speed of 130 miles an hour?Because you know humans.
01:07:38So you're going to overshoot.Sure.So that tires don't just fucking explode all day.Like you wouldn't do fast.But semi-trucks, you see explode all the time on the side of the road.And it's because they're driving tens of thousands of miles.Yeah.And they're heavy as shit.
01:07:53So there is all that.So back to the petty beef.Just welcome to a relationship.Yeah. Don't fight this one. I don't think that it's sabotaged to make you drive everywhere.But it is just something about it. It's never going to change.Maybe this observation is wrong, but I've been in it in a few different situations with many guys and many girls.And from what I've noticed, just by observation is when guys are driving, guys typically tend to be like very attentive.tentative when they're driving.
01:08:31Yeah, I don't talk.I'm checking the rear view, the side mirrors.Always kind of looking to, yeah.At every light, even if it turns green, I still wait a second, look.Like, I'm just very thinking of that kind of stuff.And like, but where ladies aren't so much like that.And I remember one of my friends that I used to work with when I would, if we went to lunchor something and she's like, I'll drive today.
01:08:54I'm like, oh, fuck.She had, she had a vape.And she was like messing with her makeup.in the rearview mirror with the vape and her cell phone.So she's got both hands with objects.Multi-tasking.And doing this stuff and then like driving with her arms.Her forearms.
01:09:11But like speeding and everything too.And we got in an accident.Like she pulled out and got T-Bone by a car.Weird.I was in the car with her.And I'm like, and it, it didn't surprise me that she got in an accident because she wasthinking.But I think that's kind of how, if you think of women's brain,
01:09:29versus men's brains just in general.Task at hand versus the 8,000 things that are coming up.Yeah, exactly.So, like, I think that kind of stuff carries over into the thought process of driving and stuff, too.It's not that women are, like, necessarily bad drivers, like inherently bad drivers or anything like that.I think they're just, their brains, they don't treat it.Like, usually guys take care of their cars.They get the oil changes.
01:09:55They do things like that, rotate tires.And it's usually that guy that does that for.the wife too like they'll take their car in to get their oil change because they're not doingthat kind of stuff so it's not a knock it's just i think that's the way that it typically isyeah stop noticing things brang but on the other side of it like taking care of your familyand doing all the things that keep your family running and efficiently and doing all the funthings my wife is great at that stuff like there are just things that men are better atand there's things that women are better at.
01:10:30We break it down to like crazy, vital, important, like, pillars.It's keep safe, give money, give food, and have sex.Yeah, it's built into our DNA.It's like, well, what about all the other stuff?It's like, you help me, because I'm going to make sure that we make it,but I don't know how to do it.Yeah, the nurturing and all that kind of stuff.The nurturing.
01:10:53I think you're pretty good nurture.All right, let's move off to some good news.Zach, fuck yeah!So you're telling me there's a chance.Hooray, we aren't doomed.Yeah!This is pretty cool.Good news?
01:11:07Yeah.Fireman rushed a five-year-old's fingertips to hospital where she recovered and painted a thank-you picture for them.Aw.A five-year-old who had her fingertips sliced off in a freak merry-go-round accident recently visited the station of the firefighters who saved them.That'll get you.As Olive was rushed to the hospital, a group of eight Red Watch volunteers at the Essex County Fire and Rescue Service frantically searched for her severed digits in the grass.Just looking for fingers.Yeah.
01:11:43Blowing off some clippings.Like, yeah, like pulling out grass.Is that a finger or is the hairy finger?No.One guy's like, hey, there's a nice piece of poop over there.If anybody wants it.Put it in a sandwich.Put it in a sandwich.
01:11:55I know what to do with it, said Luckhurst.Finding all of them and putting them on ice, the firefighters hopped in their engine with sirens blaring,delivered them to the Broomsfield Hospital where they were successfully reattached.Eight weeks after the incident, all was able to visit the rally wire fire station to meet up the team,bringing the perfect thank you gift, paintings of them and their fire engine done with the same hand that was operated on.It's all shaky and not very good.They're like, thanks.A little blood splatters in there.
01:12:25We're incredibly grateful for what they did that day.Their determination and care meant so much to us as a family, said all his mother, Linda,remarking how quickly everything had happened, but how the Red Watch didn't seem to waste a second.Our firefighters showed great professionalism, determination, and care, and supporting all of in her family, said the group manager, Dave Walpole,who leads the Southeast Command at the Essex Fire in Rescue.That's awesome.I'm trying to think of America around.And it said,
01:12:57freak accident.How,what the fuck?Where are the fingers?They have to be at the spinning base, right?To get severed?Maybe.They have to be like where the bearing is.
01:13:11How else would they get chopped off?Unless they're.Unless Michael Myers was also on the ride.Yeah.And he's just like,wee,he's holding out a fucking knife.And the kid's like,
01:13:20can I get on?He goes, yeah,hold my hand.Unless it's spinning around.something got up next to itand like got smashedsomehow, I don't even know. I don't see it.But the merry ones usually
01:13:34stick out. Like how are you reaching underneath?Did you crawl underneath?That's what I'm thinking.Or maybe like sticking your fingers through somethingand then it like ripped them. Oh,fuck that poor kid.Like not a clean breakbut like a little metal hole
01:13:50that you stuck your hand inwhen it was going by and justripped your fucking fingers on.Imagine the parents looking in...Imagine being the parents not looking for the fingers.Like the cop, the police, or the firefighter, they got it.They just took off and the firefighters were like, hey, you're going to...Follow us.
01:14:08You want the fingers?Follow us, but write a story about it.That's awesome.I'm glad they were able to detach it.I can't help but picture the thumb photo.Oh, fuck.And he wrote in.He gave some more photos.
01:14:22I'm not sure it's in today's episode, but...He did send in some more shit.That fucking thumb.My God.Best hitchhikerever!All right.Let's head off to sit.
01:14:37But plug thumb.Something you found on the internet.Zach!The internet is pretty wild.Depending on your browsing habits,you can either experience something super cool,or go to prison.Crazy, right?
01:14:53Let's check it out.Together.as a couple. Hey, look what I found.Yes, that's awesome.All right. So, you know, we get sent a lot of geese stuff.We got a goose from Ezra, a little present.So it's in the gaggle, it's very much part of the show.And stumbled upon this.
01:15:18And for a person who loses their keys a lot, this might be worth getting me.Because...That is funny.I could have this sitting right by the door,and I just went right when I walk in,just stick it right on there,because I always find a way of losing them.It's a magnetic key holder,
01:15:37or just, it doesn't have to be key.It's just like there's a spoon attached,but the beak is magnetic.Okay.And so you just, like, there's a pair of scissors.There's a finger.There's a fingernail.A fingernail, snipper, whatever the hell they're called.
01:15:51Clipper.if it's metalit'll hold it'll fucking stickit's just a little gooseon a base and it'sjust sits there and you just stick yourwhateverit's fucking wild
01:16:05they're hanging shit from itthey got a spoon hanging from itthe next step would be a little motion sensorthat when you pull it off it's likeyeahhere's a video of itoh wowlet's see
01:16:22I got this package in the mail a couple days ago and I was so excited to open it.It's a magnetic.It's pretty big.Thank you.Just look at that.Look at that cute.The details on this magnet are just beautiful.It is super lightweight.
01:16:40These would fall down and they did not.This magnet is perfect for any area in your house, your kitchen, your room, your entryway, your office, literally anywhere.It is cute.And I think it adds a cute touch.to every room that you put it in.Pink.Here you go.This goose makes the perfect silly gift for these holidays.
01:16:59Two sets of keys.Three?No.No.No.Dude.Three.That balance.
01:17:07Put the car on it.That's a great gift for the janitor in your life.Because it'll hold them all.So many doors.It's only 15 bucks.So little time.But if you go to Amazon and search for a goose magnet key holder.it's going to be right there.
01:17:24Bye now.All right.Kid stuff.Fuck!All right.Let's hear what you guys think.Really?You want to talk to me?
01:17:35Wow.That's cool.All right.These are long fuckers.So buckle up, brother.Okay.This first one's coming in from our daughter, Katie.Oh, hi, Katie.
01:17:50So, I must preface this withyou know, we make fun of people on the internet, make fun of listeners who make fun of each other.And every once in a while, it's nice to just sit back and take your beatings, take your licking.Yeah.Fuck yeah.So she, because it's only fair that we get our, you know, our fair share of the...We get beat off.Yeah.
01:18:22Dude, I'm getting boned up.Calm down.I can feel it.So this came in from Katie.She wanted to, it was back when I was talking about the homeless people shitting on sidewalk and me getting my red light tickets.And because I was just pissed and was taking it out on.On air.On homeless people.
01:18:38To the public.Right.Yeah.Always fun.It kind of went off the rails.So this is her response to that.So I want to give her the floor.Hey, dads.
01:18:46Hey.It's your super duper silly, sober daughter Katie.Oh, hi.Hi.I started writing in and I had 40 days clean and sober off heroin and meth.I remember that?I now have 16 months and never looking back.Yeah.
01:19:01Congrats.Fuck it.However!I was just listening to the new episode where Daddy Bryant was bitching and getting tickets while drug addicts and nefarious humans get away with shit.L.O.O. Brian, I love you, but you are so sheltered.Shit.That is true.Moses Lake, Washington.
01:19:24Sometimes I can lack perspective.Let me get you up to speed on some shit.That's a nice pun.One, there is a character defect in substance abuse field where the person believes that rules don't apply to them.I just got a red light ticket as well because my severely autistic son was screaming and hitting me from the back seat.and while I was trying to fight off the punchesdidn't see the light.Now do I believe I should get away with it
01:19:56and not have to pay it?No, because I ran that light.Yeah.Which...Ezra's here today.Maybe we should bring him in.But this mother, this fucking taradactylin the backseat when he was a kid?
01:20:16Fuck.I got a figureAll my patients came fromMy figurative punch and I got hit in the side of the head with scoreboardTalks todayOh figurativelyJust wait until he punches youThe rule
01:20:30Do you hear him punching his chest?Yeah, that was amazingI said to buy him size 14 shoesThat's insaneAnd stillAnd growingThe rules don't care about my son having severeA severe disability or getting abused
01:20:46by my child. It's not his fault. His autism makes him aggressive.Two, having the mindset that the world is out to get you and having a pity party for yourselfonly affects you. It only causes you pain and anguish. Three, those people are getting away withshit, aren't getting away with anything and I can speak as a former drug addict, escortcriminal. It all comes to an end and most of them are frequent flyers into jail. Having thatrecord and those charges make it close to impossible to get a job until enough time andpast that you can prove that you've changed.But drug addiction
01:21:20is such a beast. It's such amonster that most don't getenough time behind them to turn their livesaround. It's a systemic and chronicissue. That person taking shiton the side of the street is most likely mentallyill. They're suffering more thanyou or I could ever imagine in a society who
01:21:36doesn't give a shit about them.I don't mean to sound like a cunt, but I thinka little perspective could help.Yeah.And here's the thing. I've stated thisI will, I'm owning this onebecause I said all this stuffbut as I said in the past
01:21:54every thought I've every situation ever comes upI always have two thoughtsimmediately it'sfuck this guy and then immediatelyfuck mefuck me he's probably likeso just so we're clearit's not like I just think
01:22:10that there are pieces of shitI also thinkyou know somewhereI feel bad for them, all that kind of thing.So I just want to be clear.Brian isn't a monster.Yeah.I used to think that all that and more and I have a lot to do to work to change that thinking.
01:22:30The person who benefits most from changing that kind of thinking will be you and your anxiety.Anyway, sorry for the come down, L.O.L.And not sorry for being a long message.Love you guys.Love your super duper silly, sober daughter, Katie.And I love being a spot where they can just write the messages.And we're like, yeah.Like, we read this.
01:22:49We know.We got it.Like, it's received.And it's a beautiful, I don't know, I guess maybe privilege to create a space where it's not just sending in sex and dick stuff.It's like, hey, here's what I've been through.I don't like it.You're like, you got it.Yeah.
01:23:09It's a beautiful.It's a nice little family.You piece of shit.Mm.Oh.I'll all on it.Yeah, I know you will.Sometimes daddy's fuck up.
01:23:23Yeah.But, and I will say, Katie, you were right.But also Brian has addressed that off record because we both go hard about things that we necessarily don't always believe.It's because it creates a dynamic that is fun and entertaining, which I think when we had that conversation, I remember looking at you.And I was like, which version of me do you want?I was like, do you want fun or do you want dad?Mm-hmm.Because yeah, because we're playing the game.
01:23:54It's all entertainment.But Katie, congratulations on your sobriety.And I know it's like to get attacked by a autistic kid in the back seat.Because God is that fun.Second email coming in anonymously, it's your cop son again with another silly tale fromthe patrol car.Tales from the patrol car.Tales from the patrol car.
01:24:15Yeah.Oh my God.That intro to Tales from the Crypt.Oh, yeah.Just played in my head.Oof.I was listening to Prison Pocket, Paid to Jerk, Russia, Moonbase.And you all asked the question,
01:24:34what's the craziest thing pulled out of a butt in jail?Oh, yeah.So us.Yeah, sounds like something we'd ask.Well, I have plenty of stories for you,but I'll pick the most recent.Lucky for me, I am but a simple police officer and I don't work for the jail.So when it comes time to do the bend and cough, I don't have to watch.
01:24:57Oh, I just have to taste.Just a cuck.A cuck with a badge.I bring folks to the jail and deputies take them in the sad room.Where they take off all their clothes and show off their hairy starfish.Not mine.I shave my starfish.Not all the time.
01:25:16but biweekly.With a razor?I just...Not always.You get scissors in there.Yeah.You're just sitting in front of the mirror with your legs over your head.I can't do that.
01:25:28You can't.Snip, snip.I've seen it.I can't do it.I just have to stand outside the room and wait.Wait and bleed.You may be asking why I have to wait around.Well, I'll tell you.
01:25:43If something gets found in a person, in a person,God.It becomes my problem.If it's drugs, it's on me to charge them,and anytime anything is found inside someone,I have to take them to the hospital.Anyway, now back to the story.I was working with a unit that goes after real bad dudes,
01:26:04people who have committed a violent crime against someoneor pose a significant risk to the public,a.k.a. big, mean, naughty people.This naughty boy.You're naughty.See you later, naughty boy.He goes into the sad room.Oh, my God.
01:26:22Come here, naughty boy.I hope it'll have to take you to the hospital after this, you big naughty boy.This naughty boy in particular was wanted for attempted homicide.Not even good to this job.When we found him, he was in a parking lot working on his car.SWAT got involved and brought some of their fun tools.Dude gets back in his car and we obviously don't want him to leave.So SWAT tosses him some flashbangs.
01:26:51Here, hold this.This might sting a little.Here, this is a birthday candle.If you've never heard one in person, they're loud as fuck.After a brief standoff, he surrenders and I put him in my truck.What?You guys have police trucks?Hell yeah.
01:27:09That's like some martial shit, fishing game type of shit around here.He turned out to be a pretty funny guy and was not all that upset about going to jail.Yeah, I kind of start coming.So then we get to jail and he's joking with me while we wait.There was a big sign above him that says, don't bring drugs into jail.And I catch him looking at it pretty hard.He's like, how am I going to get out of this one?You guys, God damn, dude, this sense of humor is only going to do so much.
01:27:37I told him a story from a day before where a girl I brought in tried to bring some drugs in her front butt.he gets real serious and says,I have something to tell you.Since we had been joking.I feel like we have a rapport, right?It was like, listen, you can trust me.Since we had been joking before,I thought it was kidding,
01:27:57but he was very serious and told me that he had meth up his ass.I'm just so happy I've never had to be at this conversation.At this point,at this point,I'm very confused.When he was handed off to me,I searched his pockets and didn't find anything.Yeah.
01:28:18You didn't check it up.His back pocket.I started second-guessing myself and was going to feel real dumb if he shoved that up there in the back of my truck on the way to jail.I asked him where he put, when he put it up there.And this dude says he did it while he was still in his own car.And he also said he would never disrespect me by putting it up my butt in my truck.Listen.They're besties now.
01:28:42He's like, I, I respect you way too much.I might have tried to murder my family.But I draw a line and shoving meth up my butt in the back of your patrol car?Thank you for your service.Okay.I asked him the obvious next question.If his first thought after being flashbanged and having a bunch of guns pointing at him was to shove meth up his ass,and he thought for a minute and said, yeah, I guess so?
01:29:13What else am I going to do with it?Yeah, I mean.He had puckered butthole, too.I imagine.Yeah, extra tight.Anyways, that's my story.I left my name out because I don't trust Brian's proofreading skills.That's even funnier.
01:29:28The funny thing about that is that before the show, Joe goes, he wanted us to leave his name out.And I was like, oh.You guys, put it on the front.Yeah, because here's-Put it in the subject line.Here's the thing about that, guys.I start reading an email and I'm like, oh, this isthis is going to be good.
01:29:50So sometimes this is meth.I'll stop because I want to hear it for the first time on the show.Yeah.So put it in the beginning and say like,please don't use my name in the beginning.Love you both.I'll never stop listening to the pod at work.Zach?
01:30:04Yes, sir.Love you big dog.Right back at you, buddy.P.S.call me, you fucking silly geese.Oh, do it.With a phone number.Oh, my God.
01:30:13You guys have been sending in your.your fucking numbers.Yeah.We'll probably call some people in the buns.We had to create a folder just for phone numbers.That's it.That's the episode.You guys have something you want to see on the show.
01:30:23Email it into,Hey, guys at can you know podcast.com.At the time of recording this,and we are going to be a couple weeks in advance.We are not very many away,three away from these guys eating the stroaming.Hawkathon, come support us.Join the gaggle.
01:30:40Patreon.com slash can you know podcast.Rate and review us wherever you listen to the show.Uncle Zach.Yes, sir.We got splatter scat.Yeah, we successfully did that.We've got Scat shoes coming.Angus Force ones and the Scat Force ones.
01:30:54Oh, yeah, baby.Coming next week or this week, I don't even know.Coming to a foot near you.Oh, yeah.Pretty excited about it.Skat Force one.Scat Force.They will immediately go down in value.
01:31:09Oh, man.Go check out with this fucking crazy lunatics doing it.It's scatcast.com.That's scat with a K.And a shout out to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground.We have a joke.Zach, push it.Good God.
01:31:24Wrap it up already, huh?So, as he's been getting into golf lately, actually on Father's Day.And I know that this is going to be weeks and weeks after Father's Day at the time this comes out.But we went golfing.And while we were out there, we're sitting in the clubhouse.And this woman comes in from the golf course and tells, like, the guy behind thefront desk. She goes, I got stung by a B.And he goes, where?
01:31:51And she goes, between the first and second hole.Mm.And then he says, well, your stance is too wide.That's good.Oh, yeah.That's outstanding.That is good.Yeah.
01:32:09That's part for the course.That's how you set up.That's how you set up a joke.You know what I mean?Hell yeah.All right.Off to the bonus shit.We love you guys.
01:32:16Bye!
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