Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Ding Dong. Ham Sandwich. Scream. Sad Room.

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

We all tend to think that ding-dong ditching is a pretty harmless prank, right? Welp... not always. Yikes. Let's talk about that, how much we love Limp Bizkit making a massive comeback, why do women scream over the smallest things while in the passenger seat of a car like the world is ending, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/7opt-cFL7iUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Ding dong. Ham sandwich. Scream. Sad Room. Episode 212 of the Can You Jop podcast. 2012? Remember 2012? No, not really. Remember when that was like when the world was going to end and stuff and they made a whole movie about it. Remember 2012? It's like every 10 years. Oh, man. Yeah. It's like every decade. We can't do this again. That was it.

It was 2012 is the big one, though. They made a movie about it and everything. Really? I thought it was later than that. Like the tsunami waves and shit, that was 2012. Yeah. What? It was the Mayan calendar.

I think it was called 2012, wasn't it? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. I guess I remember the exact date. That's crazy. I snuck into that movie and watched it, and then I think I walked back out to go suck on some tits. Because the movie sucked.

I don't know. Because I was sucking. Well, if I'm going to, if the world's getting in, I'm going to suck some tears. No movie. Wait, 2012. Yeah, but that came out in, like, 2001, right? No, it came out in 2012 or

2011. It came out, I was 13. No, I was beyond sucking tits then. Never mind. Let's see. But there was another disaster film that came out. Oh, there were a lot of, yeah. But at the time, the CGI was crazy. And it was like, I think a tsunami that was hitting either

California or New York. This is the New York one, I'm pretty sure it's what you're thinking of it. Well, it's this isn't it? I'm pretty sure it was 2012. There was a monk standing up on a mountain with a tsunami wave coming out of it. Had Woody Harrelson in that. John Cusack. It got great reviews.

Oof. 5.9 out of 10. Rotten 40% rotten tomatoes. 2012, no, man. That was that of college? What's the other disaster film? There's so many. I know. It came out in 2009. No, still. I was in college.

I was thinking it came out later than that. I was getting out of college. The day after tomorrow, 2004. That's what you're thinking of. Fuck, that was it. Jake Gyllenho and Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid. A vain disaster. And Ian Holm.

This summer, everyone's underwater. Yeah, look at the Statue of Liberty's underwater. Yeah. That was it, dude. Yeah, I didn't stay. I had things to do. But that is the movie poster. I know exactly what you're talking about.

I think I saw it in a theater. Yeah. Like, what am I doing here? This is so dumb. Why am I here? Where am I going? Supernova. Setting your content suggestions?

Oh, wow, look at Supernova, 2012. Rotten Tomatoes, 9%. And it's a 2.2 on IMD. Oh, my God. Good Lord. Anthony Frankhauser is the star in that. We should watch it. Nahara Townsend.

Sounds like Mystery Science Theater content. Yeah. Sending your content suggestions to, hey, guys, at can get our podcast.com. At the time that we are recording this episode, we are recording a few weeks in advance at this point, because Brian's kids are good at best. Baseball, we are three away.

They got it from their mom. Yeah. We are three away from the Strumi over at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Please let me, I'm going to do radio voice commentary over the top of you guys eating to stromy. The thing that's funny about that is like I know it's going to be awful, but hearing your radio voice, I'm going to be, it's going to make me crack out.

It's going to be a fucking disaster. There is nothing funny. about what you're about to go through. That's what I'm saying, but the contrast of you, ooh, he's going to vomit. Super Chuck. See, I'm going to be vomiting

and laughing. I think the smell and taste of this particular delicacy. Well, how much do you like fish in general? That doesn't matter. I've never really been a huge fish guy. How much do you like to smell of poop? and fish.

Rotting. Rotting. For years and canned. I can't fucking wait. Do I have to swallow it? That's how you get out. You're done once you swallow a piece. He just made that rule up.

No, we both did. I saw. No, no. I saw the twinkle in your eye. That's the rule. Nope. The rule is it has to at least go down. It's probably going to hit my throat and come back up.

I don't know if I'll be able to get it down. Yes, a couple times. It probably will. Dude, I could throw up right now. I'm thinking about it. I know. You have no fucking idea. Please, guys, help us make this happen.

Only three more. And I think we have like 490 free people. In the free one. And the free side of the Patreon. Just swap over. Let's get through this. Let's get the honkathon. Again, patreon.com slash can you know podcast.

I think that's it. Let's just get this shit going. God, you have me just worried. You have me worried now. Zah! Shut up. Start the show already. Well, you fucking should be, dude.

At least it's not a hot air balloon. That is true. They know. That's why it's climbing. They know and they want to see it. You have no idea, though, my stress level. I do, actually. I have a really...

We've been debriefed a few times. We've been debriefed on your stress levels. Yeah. Love you. We love you. He doesn't think that we love him. You can... Well, man, no you do.

Here's the thing is... I'll prove it after the show. Yeah, you could throw up all your stress. Like, just get it all... Any anxiety. you've ever had in your life, you'll throw it right up. And you'll be cured. A lot of throw up.

Because I'm not a quiet thrower-upper. Yeah, that's all right. It's like a, it's a full-on. How are you going? How are you going? Remember you do that every once in a while? Yeah, the little mix-up. Like, whoa, what was that?

Sheet Fighter 2. They're like, we can't play just the same sounds over and over. Okay, so we pulled this one from the World Wide Web. The WWW. Okay, and this is interesting, and I'm curious to see where you guys go with this. But would you rather only be able to travel by boat or only be able to travel by train? Train. Train.

Not car. It's very slow, but it's very comfortable. Not Segway, but train. I've never traveled by train before. I was going to be my first follow-up question. Zach, have you done train stuff? Tons of train. I would not, if it's like the BART system in San Francisco, like that kind of crap, no.

But if it's the nice train, the, you know, Pacifica or whatever it is. Sure. That would be perfect. Those are nice. So like the Amtrak. Amtrak, great. Great. What about Monorail?

Are we thinking it's got to be trained like the old on a train track? We've got to figure it out. Old school train, not the Bart. Not the long wheel. It's not, yeah. It's not just like a, like a shuttle. Because I've used, you know, I've used subway systems and things like that. I think that to make this somewhat comparable, I think you should be able to get on like the BART.

Right? Because that's the only way. Is that the trolley? No, no, no. It's just a straight terrain. That goes underwater. Yeah, it's tight. Yeah.

But you have, the only thing you can do is travel by that. Bay Area Rapid Transit. And I'm assuming it says only be able to travel by that or that. You have to be able to walk to the vessel, right? Yeah. But a straight line. It's not like you have to install some sort of train system to your front door because that's too much.

Well, it seems like if you want to travel the U.S., you'd want train. Yeah. You want to travel anywhere outside of here, any other continent you didn't need a boat. Oh my God. Okay, Zach, great. This is a perfect example. You live next to a convenience store. Mm-hmm.

And you just need an item. You need some cream cheese for something you guys are whipping up for an anniversary dinner. You want a bagel, but you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. Scooped out the last piece of cream cheese. You don't have it. You don't have it. And you have to go, you have one way that you can go, and it's out your front door,

and straight to walking the nearest train shuttle system. So you can't go to your fucking convenience store. So if you forget something. your convenience store to go to a train? So that's the only way to travel. But we're not making them restructure the entire train system to your front door. Because that's, come on. That'd be crazy.

Dude, they can't even finish the North South Freeway. But you walk out and you have to go straight to it. That's how you have to travel. So you have a grocery store or a convenience store right next door and you want to get it. You're like, you know what? I could really use the Gatorade. Guess what? You're going to take that fucking train.

You have to wait for it. You have to wait for the train to show up. It's going to save you so much money, though. It is because you just, you'll be dead. Well, you won't be able to buy random things. And you'll be divorced? Yeah, fair. I guess your partner could go.

So there's that. She chooses the boat. You choose the train. See who gets there first. It's fucking seeing hell. I mean, if you lived on a lake, still. For what? The lake has all the ends.

If you lived on a lake, what? For fun while you starve to death? Like you got to get somewhere I guess you gotta go to the bait shop If you live in the San Juan Islands or something In Seattle does that mean You can't go shopping on your island You have to take a boat to a different island

Like a pull-up A pull-up shop I think so Ooh that sucks And I have traveled by train I'm sure it's been covered It's been four fucking years Of stories

But my mom Is terrified of flying No flying I think she tried one time and she'll never do it again and it's sad but her brain can't do airplanes so I grew up going from fucking Salt Lake City to Cleveland, Ohio on fucking trains

made that trip about four or five times How long is that? Days Yeah, yeah. Many days. How'd you like it? As soon as we got old enough to have any sort of input, it, we never did it again. So that's how good it was. That's a good answer.

But they had like hot ham cheese sandwiches. You don't get that on a greyhound. So let's say you want to go to Disney World in Florida. You're either riding a train or you're zipping around the Gulf. You're going through the Panama Canal. Fuck. That's out. You're just going to Disneyland.

You're not going to Disney World. let's say Disneyland got exploded and then terraced. Then that's good for everybody. Then you don't have to take your little shitheads there and wait in line for two and a half hours to shake Elsa's hand. What if it was the same amount of time? Let's say just for a hypothetical situation, you go to Disney World, and it would take you the same exact time to ride the train or the boat through the Panama Canal, just for a hypothetical. Which way would you prefer? I'm just like, I'm just curious, like, which way would you rather travel?

Would you rather travel by hydroplane? I'm assuming it took the same amount of time. What would you rather travel by? Oh my God, I'm just pictured Magella in a hydroplane. And Ms. Budweiser? Just ripping through the Panama Canal. Fernand Magellan, just heik, rooster down to back, America. I'm just like that's how the old birdo just ripping through.

shooting guns up the side my land now Columbus Columbus on a hydroplane oh my god what is this to buy oh shit we we

the big ass the giant crambrbrbrbrbrbrum the giant crane hello and there's just all these native people are you ready we have come to rape and pill

bitch. And there'll be a day named after me. What? The thing about it is that wouldn't be like Columbus came over on bigger boats with a bunch of people. Just imagine like a hundred hydroplanes because you got one or two people can fit at once. So you just have a train of hydroplains. Open water. Not a lake or anything.

Ripping through the. ocean on a hydroplane. Those waves? They just be fucking, go over a huge hump, then how fun would that be to come down that wave, though, and just gun it? No, dude, they all be dead. I'm sure disease and famine were rampant.

Well, yeah, because it took a while. But if everyone had their own hydroplane, it all be dead. If it took you three weeks to travel from this landmass to that, landmast, but you could do it in 30 minutes with a hydroplane? You're not dying of cholera. In White Oakleys? Yeah. Dude. It's sick.

I miss watching the hydroplanes. Wouldn't they bring them back? They still around? Yeah, I know there are places I heard about. Down to Tri-State's brother, still got it. And then Seafar, over in Seattle. Used to be a whole thing here, apparently. Most like they used to do the mini-hydros. They had a riot. That's where I got my first heat stroke was the mini-hydro races.

I thought of heat stroke was a type of. type of hydroplanes. Oh, yeah. Know what I mean? Yeah. Brian Johnson driving heat stroke. And I guarantee there's no. There's people out that have no idea what we're talking about.

Look it up. Look up what fucking hydro planes are. And you'll know what we're talking about. They have to try. They're so big. When you see them driving on a trailer, they're at an angle. Yeah. They can't put them.

It's vertical. They can't put them flat. They have to angle them so they don't stick out the side of it. One of those boats, catamaran's. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that. Yeah.

But was a. fucking huge engine. With a huge boner. Yeah, yeah. It's a cat around with a heart on. And the rooster tail that hydroplanes produce is just mad. So they'd all be ripping down there and you're just getting hit with rooster tails. From 200 feet away?

Okay. So travel by boat. So it just says boats. You can pick whatever type of boat you want to travel by. I don't think hydroplane of the open sea is the best choice might be. better than a canoe Mm-hmm So there's that

Or travel by train Slow, boring But still fun and relaxing And safe And there's places you can go Yeah, they're very safe Scenery too I mean it'd be a cool

To ride through the country on a train be cool Yeah, I get it And it is cool But Like your kid is like Can you come to my baseball game today And you're like I'll be there in six months

Do they have a train station? No? Then no. they will not be at your baseball game yeah they have a tournament in Omaha they're like a little league early you know just missed it you have to leave your family two weeks early

to go to their little tournament I'll see you guys in a couple weeks I'll meet you down there and I don't know for sure because we are I've never lived on the east coast but I feel like the connectivity of the train system's probably a little more advanced than out here in the west dude Chicago's a massive

out here fucking no. Oh, you could jump on on, like, supply trains. Like a hobo. You just do a hobo thing. Do a hobo thing with a little sack. Yeah. A little stick and bindle.

Yes. And still not go where you want to go. But we have to do a caveat. You get to jump off the train at the nearest spot towards where you want to go. Then you have to go straight to where you want to go. And you jump at your own risk. Your knees. I know.

You just got to, you got a tuck in. roll a jump and just... If I had to pick, I'm picking a big ass boat, I'm picking a yacht, and I'm picking California, or I'm picking, I don't know, well, I'm not picking the Gulf of, is it Mexico or America? The Gulf of Tonga.

The Baja. And you can get around and have plenty of fun. You go to Hawaii, you can take a hydroplane to Hawaii. What? Just come up to the Waikiki Beach. weighing 80 pounds

okay I have to look this up how long to take a hydro this is I never thought well you need the fuel you'd have to have a tanker you'd have to pirate and steal some siphon some gas out of a or to something ship

so okay of course AI has the answer I think traveling by hydroplane from the U.S. mainland of Hawaii is not practical. No shit. It's not advisable. It's 2,400 miles.

And he says, instead, here's some realistic ways to travel. Good question. Good question. No. What's the top one? The alternative. No, that was it.

It just, it pivoted. It said commercial flights, cruise ship, or inner island. travel? That applies I'm already there. Well, that would be fun to go down from island hopping in a hydroplane.

If you're already in Hawaii. Mm-hmm. Can I have the boat from Thunder and Paradise that Hulk Hogan used to drive? Oof. Okay. Can I have that boat? Sure. How far does a hydroplane even get on one tank of gas? I wonder.

Fuck. Probably like not a hundred miles. Yeah, probably like that. How far? Oh my God. How far can a hydroplane Yeah, it's like, give it up, it's stupid, don't do it. On one tank. You sure are excited about hydroplanes. I have a hotline for you.

Have I showed you picked? Yeah. Oh my God. So 2,400 miles away. How many tanks of gas? The unlimited hydroplane. I'm guessing that means like up. It sounds fancy.

That's Ms. Budweiser. Yeah, can travel approximately 15 to 20 miles. I said 10. That's good. On a single take a guess. Yeah. Oh my God. That's like a $6 million travel.

Yeah, I mean, like they... With a boat following you. Yeah. You can't go faster than the thing that's going to feel you. The tanker has to leave way ahead of you because you can't just sit around and wait for the tanker to show up a week later. Mm-hmm. You get 20 miles offshore and we have to wait for the tanker. they reach about 200 miles per hour

and they have 3,000 horsepower. Yeah, dude. Which in nautical horsepower, like a swimming horse, it's a lot of horse power. They go so fast that sometimes they catch air. Oh, they do the, almost the whole time.

That's the point. They try to eliminate any sort of water friction. Okay, I'm going to pick train. Sure. But you're stuck here. We're never leaving. you're never leaving North America there's a lot to see in North America

there is a lot and you can probably get to South America too and Central America obviously Is there a train that goes over the I'm not gonna keep searching shit No Alright we have to move on When are they gonna build that train

That goes underneath the Atlantic That's a good question Yeah We got the English channel going to France You're just gonna hold out for that Yeah yeah I like that All right well we have to move off To what are you thinking about

Let's go Zach fuck Hey Hey what's up babe What are you thinking about Ah, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

So this morning... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was thinking about this, and we have talked about and dabbled in the biscuit. Which sounds like an urban dictionary term. It is not. Dabbling in the biscuit, actually could also be a urban dictionary term, but not in this case.

So we... We're texting this morning, just talking about the show and figuring things out. And while we did that, I had to go to the store. And while I was out and about, I was listening to the radio and lit biscuit was on. And it was like, it was new biscuit. Oldies Radio. No, no, this is brand new biscuit. Brand new banger.

Brand new biscuit. And I just had this thought. I was like, what? Like, there's a lot of shit that's going full circle right now. Like, a couple examples. These are weird examples. But, like, Hillary Duff is back. What?

What the fuck is happening? Bring Me the Horizon just dropped a fucking killer death core track. And that's where I found Bring Me the Horizon was they were a heavy-ass metal band. Heavy-ass metal core, death core, whatever, band. And then they went, pop for a long time and they were still good. They regret at what they did. And they just dropped a video on this news track that's like,

I was like, I didn't know all he could still do that shit. And so that's coming out. And then of course, Biscuit is handling business. And I just sat back, what the fuck is happening? And when it comes to the limp, Mr. Biscuit, I had this like kind of realization where when they were popular and I loved them. Like I love $3 bill, y'all And significant other

Hot dog flavored water Or chocolate, whatever I'm a hot dog chocolate starfish Which is such a Okay Just saying that album name Is why no one

Took them fucking seriously Because I don't know if they did And I don't know if they actually knew That this was going to happen to him I don't think they did But everybody made fun of them if you were like from a musician standpoint

or you had any tie into the musical business. Everyone's like, this is trash. This is fucking terrible. And if you look at their lyrics, it is not great. And I'm a big lyrics guy, but I wasn't in eighth grade. Yeah. Right. Right. It was just like, you're right.

And I'm fucking... It is all about the Nookie. And I'm finding out I had to ask my dad what Nookie was. Like, that's how good these lyrics are. Poetic. And I was doing like this cross between doing like inline skating and skateboarding and figuring out where I was because I started being what they used to call back then a fruitbooter. You guys remember that?

No. Oh, you guys weren't part of the scene. Yeah! So doing inline skating. And then I was like, ah, skateboarding sounds like more fun. So I was doing this and I had my own ramps. My dad built was like a quarter pipe at a fucking half pipe and all these boxes.

And we're blasting. significant other out the garage door, not really understanding to the neighborhood. Who was just looking at these dudes wearing Jankos? Fucking inline skating and skateboarding. It's like, break your fucking face tonight. And they're like, I'm trying to put my two-year-old down.

Yeah. Fuck. And so I was blasting it. And then as I kind of tuned in in the World Wide Web became a lot more connected, and you're trying to be cool, you've realized everyone fucking hated them. And you're like, oh, all right. And it didn't really shape me, but also kind of turned you off.

And it really shut them down, too, because they were huge, and then they just vanished off the face of the planet. Now they come back and, questionably, are bigger than the ever were in the early 2000s. And I think I figured out why. And the reason is humanity has become so. so dumb, that now their lyrics are on par. They're like intuitive lyrics now.

You're like, that's so deep and you're like, is it? I can relate to that now. Is it? Like, for us, it was just groove and fun. And they were saying like, angsty shit, like, saw you in half with the chain son. But just your generation! Yes.

Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, roll. Don't give a fucking... Fuck, just all that. And they got made fun of that because there's no depth. And everyone was right. And once it clicked, you're like, yeah, this is dumb. Then they came back and they're still doing the same exact thing. But it seems like they're fucking bigger than they ever were when we were kids.

Well, I never saw the biscuit left. It's, uh, I saw them. I've seen them. There, it's, I think the thing that you're trying to pinpoint here, though, why, though, is everything, everything always comes full circle for kids. Like they start listening to music that came out 23 years. I listen to Libb. I listened to Led Zeppelin

Pink Floyd when I was younger. And kids are listening to older music, Nirvana, things like that and Limbiscuit. But then it's not just that. It's the nostalgia of the parents going like, it's fun to see those guys doing it because you're like, fuck yeah, dude.

They're still doing it. And they were so hated, right? It'd be like if Nickelback got the the Nickelback got. But Creed's coming back. And they shut it down. Yeah, I know. I get it.

So Creed was hated and went away. And then they came back. But it's just his face. They came back though. And it's like now people are like, it's like the ironic liking of something. But Creed arguably now, I mean, not bigger than they were. No. But meme wise and internet wise, they're massive.

And everyone's like talking about Creed and stuff like that. It just has a way of coming around. And then people that hated them can kind of go, you know what? Who cares? I'm not young anymore. I don't have to hate this band. I can kind of embrace it.

I had to hate it before type of thing. Yeah. Like you feel like you have to hate Limbiscuit when they're at the best thing. You're like, I can't be liking Limbiscuit. And then it's like, it's fine to like them now because they're in their 50s. I never stopped liking them.

And I have that same respect for bands that have done, giant shit. Like, I can't hate Nickelback. They're not for me. Yeah. But I don't, I don't hate him. They're not shit. They've, I mean, they're so good. He's got one of the best voices ever. I know. And they just, it's just

something about his fucking face and his, in his permed hair that no one, everyone's like, can't connect with this. Hate it. Don't want to be you. Like that kind of vibe. Fred Durst was like an outspoken kind of a D-bag, which

transferred to their lyrics. Like, I get The thing about Limbiscuit, though, was at that time, it was very, like, the Wigga thing was starting to happen. White guys infiltrating, it was like M&M, all that stuff. White guys infiltrating, like, urban culture and hip-hop culture, stuff like that. So there was all, so Fred was, they were metal, but they did the rap thing. And so people thought it, they couldn't take him serious because he was trying to rap. And he wore backwards and he wore baggy pants.

There was a lot to hate about him if you didn't already, if you didn't like the idea of the white guys in the rap scene. So there were weird. I remember being weird things like, like Limp Bizkit, but there's something about Fred that annoys me. Like, I remember having those feelings. Like, I owned all the Limpisket CDs, but there was something about Fred that kind of annoyed me. It was like he's trying to be too cool. but now looking back as in my 40s, I'm like, he was just fucking off.

He was just making it happen. But at the time, I remember thinking like, he's trying to be way too cool, because I don't think I saw what he was trying to do. Yeah. And so you can appreciate it now because you're like, who cares? It was fun music. That's really all that matters.

Everyone tries to tear the thing down that gets too big. And it is funny that new metal and then you have like punk pop, emo it all came back and I didn't didn't even have to try with my kids for them to like it

I'm like yeah I was like you get it but in a different category is Lindbiscuit because a lot of the emo shit like you get it like they're doing kind of intricate stuff

you know you listen to My Chemical Romance and they do their shredding and stuff like they're good musicians not saying like Wes is not a good guitarist I kind of put them in the same spot as what Tom Marello

just doing different stuff but it's not like it's it's not fucking crazy hard it's just a new way to approach it but it is really funny to watch and come back and when they came back

it's not like Fred Durst went back to what Fred Durst was he came back as grandpa which is so funny yeah he's rocking new balances and like a in like a and just white shirt and stuff yeah because they

he it's because he's like I'm just fucking walking off, I'm having a good time. Not taking myself serious. So it is funny to watch them come back and do it again. But they did have their own, to their credit, like, if you come out and you're something new, like, Limbiscuit burst onto the scene because they were original. Yeah, kind of. Well, they had biscuit, there was corn, there was Lincoln Park. But they were, they're all different. But yeah, in a way. If you didn't listen to all of their music, you would say they all sound the same, but anybody listen to the music can say

they're different because of this. Lincoln Park and Lincoln Park dressed more of how they sounded. Or what I say? Yeah, Lincoln Park. And then Limbiscuit was not. It was like, it was just all different characters. One person was dressing the way that it was supposed to be. And the rest of them were not.

And I guess Lincoln Park's lyrics were somewhat better in some ways. They were, I think, better. I think Lincoln Park took themselves more serious. then yeah yeah this is from Limbiscuit this is

break stuff live in Berlin and this is only a couple weeks ago just look at and they're at and they have to have

all the lyrics on the screen because it's not even the you know place place is going this way

just like break your fucking face to night place is going nuts. Dude. All those sword knees.

What is that? Is that, you think that's 200,000? It looks like Woodstock 99, man. Woodstock 1999. Europe knows how to do metal. Yeah. You think this is, you think that's 200,000? I don't know.

So, Covem, kid. That's so fun. There's something about, No way. So, like, New Metal just had a way of, like, there were so many bands that never made it that, like, there was a band called Switched that I really liked. Saw them live a couple times, and they were just like, it was good. But, you know, like bands like that, Limbiscuit got all the craven. And like, there were some good bands from like the early 2000s that just never quite caught on.

But it was, yeah, flaw. But it was like they, they were. the originators from like tune in way the fuck down like slip knot was like low a just so so so heavy and a lot of the bands now they're the guitar's different but it's still tuned down

so low to make it sound heavy but they really brought in the like the the heaviest sound there was I think that was last week that I showed or yeah showed you guys or played for you guys refused new noise what was crazy

1989 that still blows my mind Fucking what? If you don't know what I'm talking about, go listen to that shit. Like it makes no sense that they're that far ahead of the curve. But like, so like Rage Against the Machine, Limbiscuit bands like that, what I think what I liked about them and it was groovy is like you'd have like a groovy verse or whatever it is. And then it would just go from like, you're kind of like into it. And then there was this moment where it's just like you can feel the bill up to boom.

And then it was like, like that video like everyone's just going fucking. nuts and they were so good at that taking something just boom boom boom and then just fucking hammering a storyline yeah anyway it's super funny super funny to me that limp biscuit is back oh shit boys speaking it back for the golden

geese Stephen Greer Daniel Spurr Matthew Leppard the sofa king Jordan Holliday Ta Zuttenhof Daniel

Akai Neil Duffetty EM3 Jason Krizer A little too much If he's like a UFC

fighter That's what the announcer did Krizer 6-2 450 pounds I don't know Jason Krizer

Fighting out of I don't know where he's from Rochester I don't know Get that up You sounded good Thank you guys so much Those are our Golden Geese

Support us on that top That top tier Over at patreon.com Slash Canyon know podcast Let's slide in to some dick Zach would you do it Is it dull Then it's dick

Dick dick That it's dick Dick That it's dick Oh fuck Remember he had a Sex tape come out Who?

Fred Durst Never watched it How's that hog? Nothing impressive. Medius. Seems about right. I mean, it could have been. I don't remember.

It's been a while. I think I downloaded it in. Casa or Kazar or something. Kazar Limewire. Hey, you risk it. You risk it for the biscuit. You never know you're going to get. Men, man tackled children off bikes,

dragged one into his home after being ding-dong ditched for weeks, police say. This guy was fucking sick of it, dude. Yeah, I get it. Mount Pleasant, South Carolina. W.C.S. Gray News. Okay, great. A man in South Carolina is facing charges after police said he attacked children who were ding-dong ditching him for weeks.

Man, we called it something else when I... Yep. Do you remember what it was called? Mount Pleasant Police said, Chad Larson, 50, is charged with kidnapping, a... salt and battery of a high and aggravated nature. That's in the law books? It's high

and aggravated. How high was it? How high? Pretty high. Like, at least, at least here. Imagine the lawyer, and he's like, at least. I'm 5'10. And his... Dude, his assault was

six footer. He brings out one of those carnival, like, measuring sticks. He must be this high for high and aggravated. You must be at least 48 inches high to get high and aggravated. Assault charges? An assault in battery in the third degree. Police said the incident happened Monday afternoon.

Oh, man. On a Monday? On a Monday, dude. The week's just getting started. What a day. He must have had a rough weekend, too, because Monday, he's like, fuck. This is it. That's it.

I'm going to kill him. Larson reportedly told... I don't care if I get fucking high and aggravated. I'm going for high and aggravated. High and aggravated nature is the word. It's a high and aggravated nature. Larson reportedly told please that two weeks ago, a group of children started ringing his doorbell and running away.

Sometime during those weeks, Larson said he drove around to try to track down the children. Larson was woken up from a nap Monday. Ooh. Fuck, right now I'm on Larson's side. And it was told that the children were out to, outside and wanted to speak with him. A police report said, he went outside under the assumption that the children wanted to

apologize. But Larson said that they used the opportunity to taunt him before taking off on their bikes. When he realized the children were coming back, Larson hid in the neighbor's bush to wait until they got close enough for him to tackle them

off their bikes. Just playing their game. I too played this game. You get woken up from a nap Your hair's all natty. Yeah. And you're just like sitting in a bush. Like fuck him.

I'm gonna get him. He's like, they need to get a little bit closer. I got to, I got to review this. Hold. Hold. So a group of children started ringing his doorbell.

Sometime during those two weeks, Larson said he drove around finding him, woken up from a nap, and was told that the children were outside. Maybe someone, like his wife or somebody in the house was like, the kids are out there and they want to talk to you. God, these kids are good.

Hi, ma'am. They take off... The little hat slide down. They take off their 50s newspaper hat. Like they're selling it like, ma'am, I am so... We are so deeply sorry. Can you bring your husband up here? You know, they're like, fuck you!

She said, oh, he'll be so pleased. He's napping right now. That sounds like some Dennis the Menace shit. Extra, extra, get fucked all of them. about it. It sounds like Eddie Haskell from Leave It to Beaver. Larson told police he grabbed the other child by the neck and arm and dragged him into his home. Get in here, you little fucking asshole.

You sit here to your friends. Fucking ding-don ditch me. Say you're in here and that... Here, try and take a nap. How about you guys nap? Take these... Wake up! Wake up!

Wake up! Your friends are here! What's the thing that... That voice you use. It's me. There's a... No, there's a character that you use doing that voice. I'm fucking... Oh!

The... Run, Doug, run! Yeah, I was going to say the screaming scene from the hot air balloon basket. We're all going to die! That guy? Yeah. Okay. According to the police report,

Larson was holding a rock while holding the child and told the child, I should hit you with this rock. I'm back off Larson's side. He told police he did not hit the child with the rock. Yeah. I said I was thinking about it. I didn't say I did it. This is medium. This is medium battery at best.

This is not high aggravated. I held him down. This is medium controlled in nature. When police got to the scene, officers saw Larson holding under the child through the closed glass door. The handle had been broken off and the other officer had to retrieve it to open the door and detain Larson. He's trying to put the door handle back on so they can open the door. Slide it. Yeah.

I can't open it. Have you tried? Have you tried opening it? I'm going to go find the handle first. I'm going to see if he hits him with the rock. I want this thing to be extremely high in aggravated in nature. High is not high enough. It needs to be high, really high.

Extremely high. Extremely high and aggravated nature. Okay, back to you. Officers called emergency medical services for the child. It's unclear if the child was hurt. But they did say Larson cooperated with the officers. He told me that he knows what he did was wrong, but he continued to speak as though the juveniles were the ones doing the wrong.

Yes! Court records show that the judge did not set a bond. Larson was being held at the Al-Canon Detention Center. Damn. How fucking naughty was Al. Al Cana to get a detention center. He just named it after him. He's like, you basically live here, dude. What charges do you want to make up, Al?

I think high and aggravated in nature is one I'd love to put on the list. Just something that's came to my mind. I like it. It's a different scale of levels of high. You guys just keep doing that. Color-coded, if you want. Yeah, color-code the highs. That's what I visualized.

Low and calm or the... In nature. Like when they did the threat, the red and orange and yellow. Yeah. Or like the little fire. Fire danger signs. Well, yeah. It's like pointing out the, in the hospital.

It's like, how sad are you? You look at the faces. And you're like, the one or he's like, he's not, it's not a frown or a smile. He's just. Yeah, six. Not a five. It's that meme of that kid. Five is straight across.

Yeah. Five is just like. That's just doing, like five is just doing your job. Yeah. Right? And then it just gets, is it progressively sad or does it go to happy? I don't remember how the smiley face chart works. I'm sure that's how it works.

I mean, imagine if they didn't, we're like, well, actually, I can't find a chart. So if you could just make the face that you're thinking. Here, text me the emoji of how sad you are. It's the guy that's like, he's like, ooh. Just waiting for the weekend. I don't know, buddy. Happy Friday. We'll see what happens.

Fuck. Holding a rock and threatening kids is a bit much. But it's, when you are getting terrorized by the neighborhood fuckheads. You can, I can see where it's coming, like you're finally just like. Gotcha.

Yeah. You're like, that's it, dude. Like, I want this to stop. How do I make this stop? Because you're like, hey,

don't do it. They're not, they're going to, they're like, that's funny. You're trying to, like, maybe you're,

You're so fucking beat and you're trying to take a nap and they're just out there's out there going, you know, like banging on his. No. That sound eventually would just become a trigger. I think I would take out the doorbell. I would like take out the ringer. Replice the door with the foam door. Yeah.

They run up there and knock and it's like, I'm sorry. Wait, no. It's like pushing in one of those. Yeah. It's like pushing in one of those swimming pads. No, like the giant lily pads. Oh, yeah.

Get for the boat. Right. Walk out there and he's like, squeak, squeak, squeak, sweet. Nothing happens. You're like, well, fuck, let's go find someone else to torment. I get the reaction.

The rock dragging the kids inside and holding a rock over their head. That's, you're taking, I mean, again, I get it. I would almost just show a gun. Yeah. You come back, you're going to get some lead in your ass. And you don't do it.

You don't kill the children. But you scare the shit out of them. And then now it's someone else's problem. You come out with a BB gun and just do like a pump. Mm. They're like, try it. They show up in armor and you're like, God, these fuck.

Just squeak. Squeak like walking up in night's armor. I would just sit in an old rocking chair with like a daisy rifle. Just squeak. But that's what you're doing? He's taking a nap. It's not like he's busy. I think he's busy.

Take a nap in the rocker with a gun sitting next to you and see what they do. A little neon sign just says I have a gun. Mm-hmm. Beware of dog Beware of gun Beware of me with gun It's a sign that he wrote And it's spelled wrong

Beware of And then it clearly said dog before And he's like it's scribbled out He says me with gun Beware of me with gun Okay And you guys had You guys have done this

Right? Oh yeah Yeah What's the worst one you guys have done Because we did pull off God damn it's been a bit but if you if you guys have been listening to

the podcast and the shit that I've talked about you guys know this name it's fucking TJ fucking TJ dude my cousin was TJ man we did some shit dude TJ take it to the Matthew Bridge

yeah ticket to the Matthew's house and bring the doorbell and we pulled off the flaming bag of shit oh best one we did it good job stepped and pulled it

poop again. And we were right across the street in the fucking bushes and watched it happen. And he was so mad. We didn't do it again. We did not do it again. But we would get bored. It was, you know, summertime, run around, riding our fucking mongoose or red lines. I'm sure someone had a huffy or Scott.

He was a coffee in there. Yeah, Scott in there. And we were riding those things around. And this house, the way it was lit, the door was, like, it presented. itself. Just a white house with pillars. Super easy to get to. Perfect hiding spot in the little

park across the way. We could hide in the bushes. And so they were just the easy target. And we terrorized this motherfucker. We fuck. At least three to five times. We did this over the course of like a month. That's a lot of times in a month.

And then one of them was a flaming bag of shit. And I'm sure we learned it from something. Billy Madison. Yeah, maybe. Could have been CKY. I don't know exactly where the foundation came from that corrupted us. But we did it.

And he stomped on it. And immediately his foot's covered in shit. And he was so fucking pissed. Does it barefoot? No. He had socks on, maybe even slippers. But we're hiding in bushes, right? And he starts coming out.

And we get on our bikes. And right away, T.J. doesn't. He stays in the bush. He wants to watch it. he turned out fine I want to see what I want to see what I've done I want to see what the chaos that I've created and none of us would do it

he did it he watched it the guy walked out into the street you know fucking probably 20 feet away looking out there like you fucking kids wiping shit off his socks oh man and he just stayed in the bush

do you think he knew which kids did it no we were from an adjacent neighborhood oh okay yeah we weren't neighbors of them we were smarter than that yeah you don't want to terrorize your own neighborhood. You don't want a shit where you eat.

Fuck that, dude. You don't want a flaming bag of shit where you eat. That's a perfect segue. Should we take it? Let's fucking go. Yeah. Let's fucking do it. All right. Let's take our next dick. Right in the fucking gob.

Former San Antonio cop who fed homeless man shit-filled sandwich gets a big promotion. Hell of a job, Johnson. You're a terrible person. You want a raise? No, it's not quite that way. So a former San Antonio police officer accused of feeding a homeless man a sandwich stuffed with dog feces is now the chief of police of a small South Texas town of Benavides.

That sounds like a disease. Benevetus disease? Yeah. I've got a... My Benavetus is flaring up again. Oh, you don't want herpes? Yes. She's, she hasn't, I haven't seen her in a week, she's been home with Benavitas.

You can see the commercial with the pretty people running in the beach. Do you have Benavitas? One 800 Benevitus. You might be entitled to compensation. Fuck. Okay. So one time San Antonio Police Department officer Matthew Luckhurst was appointed top cop in the town of about 1,100 people. Let's dial back to top.

top cop. You have 1,100 people. Only cop. There are three cops, maybe. Yeah. And that's more like a sheriff type of situation. Like you just, one sheriff. So gonorrhea city clerk Tiffany Bason told the current

Benavita City Council discussed and voted on appointing Luckhurst as the town's new chief of police back on April 30th. That's the guy that fed the homeless guy shit, right? Yeah, we hate the homeless. Love it.

Promote him. Promote them. We need more shit sandwiches. More shit sandwiches. Shit, sandwich. When I say shit, you say sandwich. Sandwiches? Prior to his promotion,

Luckhurst worked as one of the two officers in town and earned a school-based law enforcement officer license back in April of 2024. Luckhurst was terminated from the San Diego or San Antonio Police Department in 2020 following two poop-related incidents. So we're going back a decade. Back in 2016, San Antonio Police Department investigators accused Luckhurst of giving a homeless man

a sandwich filled with dog ship while on patrol. And then a month later, Luckhurst found himself in another stinky situation over allegations he took a dump in a San Antonio Police Department's woman restroom without flushing and rubbed a brown substance with the consistency of topeka? Tapioca.

Tapioca on the toilet seat after a female officer asked for the facilities to be kept clean. This dude just loves shit. Big fan. Yeah, this is only what we've caught him doing so far. Do you think it'd be okay if someone cleaned the bathroom? You got it. This fucking bitch. This bitch.

Just. Tapioca. How do you like it? Dude, I'm imagining this guy, he's driving by and seeing the homeless guy, and he's like, oh, I got an idea. And then...

Be so hot if he had shit in his mouth? To visualize, like, this cop stopping at a park or something, and he's like, he's walking through the park just kind of looking around. And then he's got, like, a little baggy and everything. It happens to have bread. Which also isn't out of...

Maybe he's going to feed the geese. Yeah, he's a pocket full of bread. He's like, God, if there's something to put in this bread and feed to this homeless guy. It's just the idea this guy's like working and he's just walking around and he's like scoping out the park looking for poop and he's like, oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. Let's get this to a homeless guy.

And then having to prepare it, that's like if it was already, if it was magically just like a shit sandwich you give it to him, but you have to prepare that. Yeah, you have to do so much work. Did he add mayo and all that kind of shit to it and little lettuce to dress it up? I'm just, you say mayo and my brain goes to. a bad spot. Just a cum cover dog shit sandwich.

The guy jizzes on the brain while he's in his car. Here you go. Would you rather? Yeah, would you rather be married to Lockhurst? Although Luckhurst avoided being fired over the first incident on a technicality, San Antonio

Police Department can the officer in 2020 over the second of shitting and rubbing shit. That was, that's the line. Now you, listen, We'll let it slide with assaulting and assaulting homeless people. That's not a big deal of us. But you start shitting in women's bathrooms, dude.

You got to go. We have to let you go. Luckhurst subsequently found employment with the Floresville Police Department before being fired in 2022. I made public uproar over reporting of his rehiring. Yeah, that makes sense. Wait, this is the guy that shit. get everywhere, multiple occasions. What are we doing? So, Comedia Mayor Romero Sanez was unavailable for immediate comment to Luckhurst's promotion.

However, Crabs prior police chief, Andre Heinz previously told the current that Luckhurst met employment standards upon his hiring. As required by the state of Texas, we have to do a background check, Heinz said. And so when Luckhurst was applying for employment. here with the city of AIDS, we request all information from those, these previous agencies

that he has worked for. Aden's. Agen's. Just passing the blame. Yeah. Like, listen, we did our job. Everyone else let us down by saying that he didn't shit in the same way

or pick up dog poop and give it to a fucking homeless guy. It's not on us. They just failed to report it. I mean, maybe he was really good at his job, though. Doesn't sound like it. I'm trying to get in bed with the doubt. Dude, I'm picturing him sitting.

He's sitting at the park. Like he saves babies, but also feeds shit sandwiches? Yeah, he gets cats out of trees. Okay. So visualize him sitting at a park, like putting together the sandwich, and then he gets a call over the radio and we're like, yeah, we've got a, we've got a potential robbery. Yeah, we've got a 4924 going on at the, uh, the, uh, the, hardware store, some like that.

No, at the, at the fucking, at the, God damn it, like, assisted living facility. Right. At the nursing home. And they're like, it's on fire. We need somebody. Johnson or, or luck is you available? He's like, right in the middle of something.

Send Johnson. He's like, I'm too, I'm too busy. And he's just over there like making a shit sandwich look good. Or he's putting it together. He's like, fuck yeah. He's about to open the door. It's like, oh, we got a 48.99. There's a fire at a senior living facility.

And he's like, God damn it. He wraps up the shit sandwich and foil, sets it aside, go saves 15 old people, and then drives back to shit, or to feed a fucking dog shit sandwich to a homeless guy? He's like,

I'm not perfect. Listen, I did two things today. I did two things. I saved 15 people. 15 old people. And served up a shit sandwich to a homeless guy. You tell me which ones, yeah.

Is this high aggravated in nature? this is medium at best and you know it you know it officer because we have to let you go listen you can stay on this time don't do anything weird with poop moving forward i promise i will not never touch i will never touch dog shit again and then one week later shits fucking rubbed shit all over the fucking they didn't say anything about come yeah thank you for you i didn't see i wasn't even shit your honor

Your Honor, he clearly said don't feed shit to homeless people. This has come. I came in a sandwich. So, directions unclear. Case is missed. I love the idea that you're just looking for some sort of a technicality. It wasn't technically a sandwich. It was one piece of bread.

There was no condiment on it. It was just bread. It was just bread in my come. It was more dingleberries than anything. Yep. Right. You can't keep doing this. And that's a fruit.

You can't be putting dog shit in food anymore. Okay, fine. But no, you didn't say anything about human shit. You didn't say anything about human shit. Come, beaver shit. He's like, so tell me. rewrite the rule book. Won't you tell me.

You tell me what the rule is. All right. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, you fucking can't come on a bread. Why don't you tell me? All right, petty beef, Zach, roll it. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Barry. Who? What's, uh, what's not? Oh, uh, wasn't it, uh, it's, uh, it's, uh, what?

What? Uh, uh, Gwen Stefani. What about her? That song that did with no doubt where she's going She's doing that pan thing Yeah she is Dude I remember like masturbating to that

Just the sound like she was pant What song is that? It's the one where they're in the boat With the jet skis I remember the music video TRL Carson Davis She's just going

And it's like Oh my God It was there was that one has a funky riff Let's see if we can get the I can't remember what the song is You find it And I'm going to start reading this My search is no doubt jet ski video

With heavy Panting Oh hella good But how did it go though? Like this Are you ready? Ads No ads

Doom po doom Oh Banc Bamban Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Don't drown her out Okay sorry God When did she do it? I don't remember. Right here, right here. Oh. Yeah, dude, that's all it took.

The shorts are a little revealing. You better be careful. And you're going to fucking. Just Moses like tractor jerkin. Fucking driving tractor jerkin dick. Yeah. God damn Alright back to you

It didn't take much back then Yeah Same by Andrew Okay hey Andrew Hello fellow fathers and or husbands Hello Wait what I have a fun

Petty Beef that I'm sure Has definitely happened to you guys at some point So let me give a little backstory I drive a lot for a living I'm not a trucker or anything like that But I've put about 40,000 miles a year On my work car and every time I go out with my family,

or every time I go out with my family. Okay. I'm also typically the driver. So it is safe to say that I have a lot of experience behind the wheel, and then I'm reasonably competent driver with a clean driving report. Okay. Anywho, every time my wife is in the same vehicle as me, I'm driving it, and I'm driving it feels like she need the need to gasp or scream when the car dozens of feet

car dozens of feet in front of us lightly taps their brakes. Okay, yeah. I know that feeling. Yep. She then proceeds to tell me that she saved us from an accident. And that I should pay more attention. I may not be a small man, but all the zero times I've been in a wreck with them. I've never been in a wreck with them.

Okay. That didn't make any sense. Okay. Zero times I've been a wreck with them. I have never been in a wreck with them. I would leave it there and just chalk it up to her being anxious. But then she drives, it's like she's trying to race every car in the freeway to wherever we're going. Okay.

Do you know what a hypocrite is? On our most recent drive, where she was on the other side of the car, I happened to look over and see the speedometer has three digits displayed on it. Zero, zero one. Mm-hmm. I then told her as politely as I could that the tires on the truck aren't rated for that kind of speed and she should slow way down. Maybe slow down.

Because they would explode in any second. Hold on. Hmm. I have thoughts. We're going to hear the rest of this story. Imagine if the tires of your car between 70 and 100 would blow up. You just don't know. If you went too fast, they exploded?

I don't know. These cars aren't rated. These tires are not rated for 102 miles an hour. Didn't the fires don't have that issue? But they're fine for 80. I didn't even know that was a fucking thing. Tires are tires, right? If your car can go a hundred, shouldn't all the tires allow you to go that fast? Not necessarily. These blow up? Doesn't seem like there be so many blow up. Doesn't seem like there'd be so many blow own up tires all the time. I think that happens in race, racing, right?

They have to get specially rated tires. Yeah, they're thicker. Yeah. But they give us some leeway. Imagine if you go from 60 to 85, they're like, these are not 85 mile hour tires. And these all just go and kill your family. Just explosions all over the freeway.

I just don't think so. I don't think they're meant to go for 100 miles an hour for extended periods, though. Sure. It's going to run through the tread pretty quack. Well, they're going to get pretty hot, too. Yeah, exactly. Oh, speaking of hot. The friction that would cause.

I mean, in NASCAR racing, you know, they're ripping. And then those right front tires take a beating because they're turned and left so that all the pressure is on that right front. And so a lot of times that tire goes. Yeah. I just like picture in like a 16-year, you're jerking off on a tractor. It's all took. Okay. I also jerked off to Madonna's...

I'm a Maca Virtuechial. No, no, it was the one that was a new song at the time, but it was the one she's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I don't remember that one. I don't remember that one. Maybe it was an overaction on my part to get her to calm down,

but I don't think anyone wants to catch 8,000 pounds of pickup truck traveling at the speed of mock. Fuck! I'm curious, where you guys take on this? I love her to death, and I don't want to have to perform the old ejecto seat, but I do definitely think that she's using weaponize incompetence

to get me to drive every single time. I'm not going to lie, it's definitely a fair point, considering I fold her laundry inside out whenever she doesn't flip it on accounts of her removing clothing like it's saran wrap. But there aren't state troopers who are going to give us a ticket for me being a bit of a sarcastic dick about the laundry. Okay. Not yet.

The, yeah, there's there's something to what is happening. I, with my wife, it's, it's, the thing that's frustrating sometimes is she'll be on her phone. And then we'll be driving and then she'll look up and see where we're at and be like, oh, you were supposed to turn back there. Be attached to the world. And then it's like, okay, well, where were you? And then, so then when she's like, we should. do something, then I'm like, then I get freshly. Like, well, maybe you should pay more attention.

Or you can drive if, you know, if you know where we're going. Yeah. The over scared passenger, in my experience, typically female, is a little annoying. But it's not that, it's not that bad. But it is wild when it goes the other way. And they are crazy. And you are not allowed to say a fucking thing. Like you cannot

But you can't see anything ever though You can't be like You should have done this this way If you say oh you just missed it When you were on your phone It's cool if you're accountable But not so much other way And you know this is true ladies

You know it's true They know it's true Social feelings See that even bringing this up Feels like what we're discussing Well I feel like I'm gonna get in trouble You are in trouble Like you bring it up

And right now, I feel like I'm already, I'm going to get yelled at. Yeah. So I'm a little scared. You know, just PTSD. Mm-hmm. There are different ratings for tires. One of them, if you have a J-rated speed tire, like a speed rating that is 62 miles per hour, is that just like a fast go-kart?

The thing is, is weight depends, too. like so if they're driving a big truck like he says there if you're going 100 miles an hour in a giant truck that's different than going in a sedan you know it's so that's a lot of poundage too so i'm looking up my car right now so mine has a h or v rating which means it can handle sustained speeds of 130 to 150 that that makes sense right and i feel like moat's most cars would sit around there. But who's going a sustained speed of 130 miles an hour? Because you know humans.

So you're going to overshoot. Sure. So that tires don't just fucking explode all day. Like you wouldn't do fast. But semi-trucks, you see explode all the time on the side of the road. And it's because they're driving tens of thousands of miles. Yeah. And they're heavy as shit.

So there is all that. So back to the petty beef. Just welcome to a relationship. Yeah. Don't fight this one. I don't think that it's sabotaged to make you drive everywhere. But it is just something about it. It's never going to change. Maybe this observation is wrong, but I've been in it in a few different situations with many guys and many girls. And from what I've noticed, just by observation is when guys are driving, guys typically tend to be like very attentive. tentative when they're driving.

Yeah, I don't talk. I'm checking the rear view, the side mirrors. Always kind of looking to, yeah. At every light, even if it turns green, I still wait a second, look. Like, I'm just very thinking of that kind of stuff. And like, but where ladies aren't so much like that. And I remember one of my friends that I used to work with when I would, if we went to lunch or something and she's like, I'll drive today.

I'm like, oh, fuck. She had, she had a vape. And she was like messing with her makeup. in the rearview mirror with the vape and her cell phone. So she's got both hands with objects. Multi-tasking. And doing this stuff and then like driving with her arms. Her forearms.

But like speeding and everything too. And we got in an accident. Like she pulled out and got T-Bone by a car. Weird. I was in the car with her. And I'm like, and it, it didn't surprise me that she got in an accident because she was thinking. But I think that's kind of how, if you think of women's brain,

versus men's brains just in general. Task at hand versus the 8,000 things that are coming up. Yeah, exactly. So, like, I think that kind of stuff carries over into the thought process of driving and stuff, too. It's not that women are, like, necessarily bad drivers, like inherently bad drivers or anything like that. I think they're just, their brains, they don't treat it. Like, usually guys take care of their cars. They get the oil changes.

They do things like that, rotate tires. And it's usually that guy that does that for. the wife too like they'll take their car in to get their oil change because they're not doing that kind of stuff so it's not a knock it's just i think that's the way that it typically is yeah stop noticing things brang but on the other side of it like taking care of your family and doing all the things that keep your family running and efficiently and doing all the fun things my wife is great at that stuff like there are just things that men are better at and there's things that women are better at.

We break it down to like crazy, vital, important, like, pillars. It's keep safe, give money, give food, and have sex. Yeah, it's built into our DNA. It's like, well, what about all the other stuff? It's like, you help me, because I'm going to make sure that we make it, but I don't know how to do it. Yeah, the nurturing and all that kind of stuff. The nurturing.

I think you're pretty good nurture. All right, let's move off to some good news. Zach, fuck yeah! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! This is pretty cool. Good news?

Yeah. Fireman rushed a five-year-old's fingertips to hospital where she recovered and painted a thank-you picture for them. Aw. A five-year-old who had her fingertips sliced off in a freak merry-go-round accident recently visited the station of the firefighters who saved them. That'll get you. As Olive was rushed to the hospital, a group of eight Red Watch volunteers at the Essex County Fire and Rescue Service frantically searched for her severed digits in the grass. Just looking for fingers. Yeah.

Blowing off some clippings. Like, yeah, like pulling out grass. Is that a finger or is the hairy finger? No. One guy's like, hey, there's a nice piece of poop over there. If anybody wants it. Put it in a sandwich. Put it in a sandwich.

I know what to do with it, said Luckhurst. Finding all of them and putting them on ice, the firefighters hopped in their engine with sirens blaring, delivered them to the Broomsfield Hospital where they were successfully reattached. Eight weeks after the incident, all was able to visit the rally wire fire station to meet up the team, bringing the perfect thank you gift, paintings of them and their fire engine done with the same hand that was operated on. It's all shaky and not very good. They're like, thanks. A little blood splatters in there.

We're incredibly grateful for what they did that day. Their determination and care meant so much to us as a family, said all his mother, Linda, remarking how quickly everything had happened, but how the Red Watch didn't seem to waste a second. Our firefighters showed great professionalism, determination, and care, and supporting all of in her family, said the group manager, Dave Walpole, who leads the Southeast Command at the Essex Fire in Rescue. That's awesome. I'm trying to think of America around. And it said,

freak accident. How, what the fuck? Where are the fingers? They have to be at the spinning base, right? To get severed? Maybe. They have to be like where the bearing is.

How else would they get chopped off? Unless they're. Unless Michael Myers was also on the ride. Yeah. And he's just like, wee, he's holding out a fucking knife. And the kid's like,

can I get on? He goes, yeah, hold my hand. Unless it's spinning around. something got up next to it and like got smashed somehow, I don't even know. I don't see it. But the merry ones usually

stick out. Like how are you reaching underneath? Did you crawl underneath? That's what I'm thinking. Or maybe like sticking your fingers through something and then it like ripped them. Oh, fuck that poor kid. Like not a clean break but like a little metal hole

that you stuck your hand in when it was going by and just ripped your fucking fingers on. Imagine the parents looking in... Imagine being the parents not looking for the fingers. Like the cop, the police, or the firefighter, they got it. They just took off and the firefighters were like, hey, you're going to... Follow us.

You want the fingers? Follow us, but write a story about it. That's awesome. I'm glad they were able to detach it. I can't help but picture the thumb photo. Oh, fuck. And he wrote in. He gave some more photos.

I'm not sure it's in today's episode, but... He did send in some more shit. That fucking thumb. My God. Best hitchhiker ever! All right. Let's head off to sit.

But plug thumb. Something you found on the internet. Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out. Together. as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes, that's awesome. All right. So, you know, we get sent a lot of geese stuff. We got a goose from Ezra, a little present. So it's in the gaggle, it's very much part of the show. And stumbled upon this.

And for a person who loses their keys a lot, this might be worth getting me. Because... That is funny. I could have this sitting right by the door, and I just went right when I walk in, just stick it right on there, because I always find a way of losing them. It's a magnetic key holder,

or just, it doesn't have to be key. It's just like there's a spoon attached, but the beak is magnetic. Okay. And so you just, like, there's a pair of scissors. There's a finger. There's a fingernail. A fingernail, snipper, whatever the hell they're called.

Clipper. if it's metal it'll hold it'll fucking stick it's just a little goose on a base and it's just sits there and you just stick your whatever it's fucking wild

they're hanging shit from it they got a spoon hanging from it the next step would be a little motion sensor that when you pull it off it's like yeah here's a video of it oh wow let's see

I got this package in the mail a couple days ago and I was so excited to open it. It's a magnetic. It's pretty big. Thank you. Just look at that. Look at that cute. The details on this magnet are just beautiful. It is super lightweight.

These would fall down and they did not. This magnet is perfect for any area in your house, your kitchen, your room, your entryway, your office, literally anywhere. It is cute. And I think it adds a cute touch. to every room that you put it in. Pink. Here you go. This goose makes the perfect silly gift for these holidays.

Two sets of keys. Three? No. No. No. Dude. Three. That balance.

Put the car on it. That's a great gift for the janitor in your life. Because it'll hold them all. So many doors. It's only 15 bucks. So little time. But if you go to Amazon and search for a goose magnet key holder. it's going to be right there.

Bye now. All right. Kid stuff. Fuck! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow. That's cool. All right. These are long fuckers. So buckle up, brother. Okay. This first one's coming in from our daughter, Katie. Oh, hi, Katie.

So, I must preface this with you know, we make fun of people on the internet, make fun of listeners who make fun of each other. And every once in a while, it's nice to just sit back and take your beatings, take your licking. Yeah. Fuck yeah. So she, because it's only fair that we get our, you know, our fair share of the... We get beat off. Yeah.

Dude, I'm getting boned up. Calm down. I can feel it. So this came in from Katie. She wanted to, it was back when I was talking about the homeless people shitting on sidewalk and me getting my red light tickets. And because I was just pissed and was taking it out on. On air. On homeless people.

To the public. Right. Yeah. Always fun. It kind of went off the rails. So this is her response to that. So I want to give her the floor. Hey, dads.

Hey. It's your super duper silly, sober daughter Katie. Oh, hi. Hi. I started writing in and I had 40 days clean and sober off heroin and meth. I remember that? I now have 16 months and never looking back. Yeah.

Congrats. Fuck it. However! I was just listening to the new episode where Daddy Bryant was bitching and getting tickets while drug addicts and nefarious humans get away with shit. L.O.O. Brian, I love you, but you are so sheltered. Shit. That is true. Moses Lake, Washington.

Sometimes I can lack perspective. Let me get you up to speed on some shit. That's a nice pun. One, there is a character defect in substance abuse field where the person believes that rules don't apply to them. I just got a red light ticket as well because my severely autistic son was screaming and hitting me from the back seat. and while I was trying to fight off the punches didn't see the light. Now do I believe I should get away with it

and not have to pay it? No, because I ran that light. Yeah. Which... Ezra's here today. Maybe we should bring him in. But this mother, this fucking taradactyl in the backseat when he was a kid?

Fuck. I got a figure All my patients came from My figurative punch and I got hit in the side of the head with scoreboard Talks today Oh figuratively Just wait until he punches you The rule

Do you hear him punching his chest? Yeah, that was amazing I said to buy him size 14 shoes That's insane And still And growing The rules don't care about my son having severe A severe disability or getting abused

by my child. It's not his fault. His autism makes him aggressive. Two, having the mindset that the world is out to get you and having a pity party for yourself only affects you. It only causes you pain and anguish. Three, those people are getting away with shit, aren't getting away with anything and I can speak as a former drug addict, escort criminal. It all comes to an end and most of them are frequent flyers into jail. Having that record and those charges make it close to impossible to get a job until enough time and past that you can prove that you've changed. But drug addiction

is such a beast. It's such a monster that most don't get enough time behind them to turn their lives around. It's a systemic and chronic issue. That person taking shit on the side of the street is most likely mentally ill. They're suffering more than you or I could ever imagine in a society who

doesn't give a shit about them. I don't mean to sound like a cunt, but I think a little perspective could help. Yeah. And here's the thing. I've stated this I will, I'm owning this one because I said all this stuff but as I said in the past

every thought I've every situation ever comes up I always have two thoughts immediately it's fuck this guy and then immediately fuck me fuck me he's probably like so just so we're clear it's not like I just think

that there are pieces of shit I also think you know somewhere I feel bad for them, all that kind of thing. So I just want to be clear. Brian isn't a monster. Yeah. I used to think that all that and more and I have a lot to do to work to change that thinking.

The person who benefits most from changing that kind of thinking will be you and your anxiety. Anyway, sorry for the come down, L.O.L. And not sorry for being a long message. Love you guys. Love your super duper silly, sober daughter, Katie. And I love being a spot where they can just write the messages. And we're like, yeah. Like, we read this.

We know. We got it. Like, it's received. And it's a beautiful, I don't know, I guess maybe privilege to create a space where it's not just sending in sex and dick stuff. It's like, hey, here's what I've been through. I don't like it. You're like, you got it. Yeah.

It's a beautiful. It's a nice little family. You piece of shit. Mm. Oh. I'll all on it. Yeah, I know you will. Sometimes daddy's fuck up.

Yeah. But, and I will say, Katie, you were right. But also Brian has addressed that off record because we both go hard about things that we necessarily don't always believe. It's because it creates a dynamic that is fun and entertaining, which I think when we had that conversation, I remember looking at you. And I was like, which version of me do you want? I was like, do you want fun or do you want dad? Mm-hmm. Because yeah, because we're playing the game.

It's all entertainment. But Katie, congratulations on your sobriety. And I know it's like to get attacked by a autistic kid in the back seat. Because God is that fun. Second email coming in anonymously, it's your cop son again with another silly tale from the patrol car. Tales from the patrol car. Tales from the patrol car.

Yeah. Oh my God. That intro to Tales from the Crypt. Oh, yeah. Just played in my head. Oof. I was listening to Prison Pocket, Paid to Jerk, Russia, Moonbase. And you all asked the question,

what's the craziest thing pulled out of a butt in jail? Oh, yeah. So us. Yeah, sounds like something we'd ask. Well, I have plenty of stories for you, but I'll pick the most recent. Lucky for me, I am but a simple police officer and I don't work for the jail. So when it comes time to do the bend and cough, I don't have to watch.

Oh, I just have to taste. Just a cuck. A cuck with a badge. I bring folks to the jail and deputies take them in the sad room. Where they take off all their clothes and show off their hairy starfish. Not mine. I shave my starfish. Not all the time.

but biweekly. With a razor? I just... Not always. You get scissors in there. Yeah. You're just sitting in front of the mirror with your legs over your head. I can't do that.

You can't. Snip, snip. I've seen it. I can't do it. I just have to stand outside the room and wait. Wait and bleed. You may be asking why I have to wait around. Well, I'll tell you.

If something gets found in a person, in a person, God. It becomes my problem. If it's drugs, it's on me to charge them, and anytime anything is found inside someone, I have to take them to the hospital. Anyway, now back to the story. I was working with a unit that goes after real bad dudes,

people who have committed a violent crime against someone or pose a significant risk to the public, a.k.a. big, mean, naughty people. This naughty boy. You're naughty. See you later, naughty boy. He goes into the sad room. Oh, my God.

Come here, naughty boy. I hope it'll have to take you to the hospital after this, you big naughty boy. This naughty boy in particular was wanted for attempted homicide. Not even good to this job. When we found him, he was in a parking lot working on his car. SWAT got involved and brought some of their fun tools. Dude gets back in his car and we obviously don't want him to leave. So SWAT tosses him some flashbangs.

Here, hold this. This might sting a little. Here, this is a birthday candle. If you've never heard one in person, they're loud as fuck. After a brief standoff, he surrenders and I put him in my truck. What? You guys have police trucks? Hell yeah.

That's like some martial shit, fishing game type of shit around here. He turned out to be a pretty funny guy and was not all that upset about going to jail. Yeah, I kind of start coming. So then we get to jail and he's joking with me while we wait. There was a big sign above him that says, don't bring drugs into jail. And I catch him looking at it pretty hard. He's like, how am I going to get out of this one? You guys, God damn, dude, this sense of humor is only going to do so much.

I told him a story from a day before where a girl I brought in tried to bring some drugs in her front butt. he gets real serious and says, I have something to tell you. Since we had been joking. I feel like we have a rapport, right? It was like, listen, you can trust me. Since we had been joking before, I thought it was kidding,

but he was very serious and told me that he had meth up his ass. I'm just so happy I've never had to be at this conversation. At this point, at this point, I'm very confused. When he was handed off to me, I searched his pockets and didn't find anything. Yeah.

You didn't check it up. His back pocket. I started second-guessing myself and was going to feel real dumb if he shoved that up there in the back of my truck on the way to jail. I asked him where he put, when he put it up there. And this dude says he did it while he was still in his own car. And he also said he would never disrespect me by putting it up my butt in my truck. Listen. They're besties now.

He's like, I, I respect you way too much. I might have tried to murder my family. But I draw a line and shoving meth up my butt in the back of your patrol car? Thank you for your service. Okay. I asked him the obvious next question. If his first thought after being flashbanged and having a bunch of guns pointing at him was to shove meth up his ass, and he thought for a minute and said, yeah, I guess so?

What else am I going to do with it? Yeah, I mean. He had puckered butthole, too. I imagine. Yeah, extra tight. Anyways, that's my story. I left my name out because I don't trust Brian's proofreading skills. That's even funnier.

The funny thing about that is that before the show, Joe goes, he wanted us to leave his name out. And I was like, oh. You guys, put it on the front. Yeah, because here's- Put it in the subject line. Here's the thing about that, guys. I start reading an email and I'm like, oh, this is this is going to be good.

So sometimes this is meth. I'll stop because I want to hear it for the first time on the show. Yeah. So put it in the beginning and say like, please don't use my name in the beginning. Love you both. I'll never stop listening to the pod at work. Zach?

Yes, sir. Love you big dog. Right back at you, buddy. P.S. call me, you fucking silly geese. Oh, do it. With a phone number. Oh, my God.

You guys have been sending in your. your fucking numbers. Yeah. We'll probably call some people in the buns. We had to create a folder just for phone numbers. That's it. That's the episode. You guys have something you want to see on the show.

Email it into, Hey, guys at can you know podcast.com. At the time of recording this, and we are going to be a couple weeks in advance. We are not very many away, three away from these guys eating the stroaming. Hawkathon, come support us. Join the gaggle.

Patreon.com slash can you know podcast. Rate and review us wherever you listen to the show. Uncle Zach. Yes, sir. We got splatter scat. Yeah, we successfully did that. We've got Scat shoes coming. Angus Force ones and the Scat Force ones.

Oh, yeah, baby. Coming next week or this week, I don't even know. Coming to a foot near you. Oh, yeah. Pretty excited about it. Skat Force one. Scat Force. They will immediately go down in value.

Oh, man. Go check out with this fucking crazy lunatics doing it. It's scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. And a shout out to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground. We have a joke. Zach, push it. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? So, as he's been getting into golf lately, actually on Father's Day. And I know that this is going to be weeks and weeks after Father's Day at the time this comes out. But we went golfing. And while we were out there, we're sitting in the clubhouse. And this woman comes in from the golf course and tells, like, the guy behind the front desk. She goes, I got stung by a B. And he goes, where?

And she goes, between the first and second hole. Mm. And then he says, well, your stance is too wide. That's good. Oh, yeah. That's outstanding. That is good. Yeah.

That's part for the course. That's how you set up. That's how you set up a joke. You know what I mean? Hell yeah. All right. Off to the bonus shit. We love you guys.

Bye!