Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Disneyland. Lingerie. Clown. Fight Club.

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

If you were a middle school student and your teacher was organizing a Fight Club in her classroom during school hours... would you be able to keep it a secret? Let's talk about that, pretending to choke so many times that when you're actually choking no one gives a hoot, men modeling lingerie in China because China is doing China things, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/t-LpJSlqTgISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Disneyland lingerie clown fight club I mean at least 44 like it looks cooler than a 43. It does. Three is kind of a weird looking number. And it's Julio Rodriguez's number. I knew you were going to have something on that. What's your name? Brian.

Brian. We haven't done this in a long time. You want to do it? Yeah, I'm Joe. Oh, and I'm Brian. Yeah. Yeah. It's opposite day.

We already fucked it. That's fine. I thought you were going to press the and button. I was going to. You leaned in and then you didn't do it. I got Brian. Yeah. Yeah. It's opposite day. We've already fucked it. That's fine. I thought you were gonna press the and button I was going to you leaned in then you didn't do it. I got scared I don't know if the music bed was gonna be still going when it came to do it and I didn't hear I'm like, oh No, it's broken. I I'm really excited for today's show. Are you? Mm-hmm. I'm very excited. I need to There's a lot going on man. I'm just happy to be here with you I can tell by your pants how happy you are Oh shit you can see from there?

That's pretty cool You moved the arcade table a little bit Your horse cock He just got closer to you What the hell happened? David Blaine over there If David Blaine had a big cock That's something I never thought about.

Think about like all. Like he has a penis? Yeah. All magicians. I mean, if you're really magic, you would all have giant dicks. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny how everybody like, you know, like people just have a penis.

Yeah. Like you don't really think about it. You're walking down the road like that. Guy's got a dick. He's got a dick. It's bouncing around right now. Yeah. Squished together like a packaged chicken thigh. Um,

so always bonus content on the end of every single episode. Boner content. Yep. And you can access that by signing up and supporting us on Patreon, patreon.com slash. Can you don't podcast link in the episode description, send stuff in whatever you want to see on the show. Hey guys, it can, you don't podcast.com slash can you don't podcast link in the episode description send stuff in whatever you want to see on the show hey guys at can you don't podcast.com now we have been joe i know we've that this last week was uh i don't know it was just one of those it took off a lot of people

had a lot of things to say yep and we're gonna read stupid shit that people have to correct us on that's usually what happened fired him up you're like i can't god idiots i thought you were dumb yeah now you just proved it you proved that i'm kind of worried yeah we have it documented that you're a fucking moron right uh so we do have some things to update from past episodes do you want to take the the first one you want me to take the first one i'll take the first one take it away okay this one is from hannah okay hannah and she she's responding to the tampon. The painful tampon.

We were so confused. We're like, doesn't it just... I don't understand why it hurts. How many do you think we got? Was it like 40 or 50 emails about the whole tampon situation? Probably. So we have a couple of them that we're going to read. Here's one. I love you guys, but man, listening to that

tampon story was absolutely painful. Like listening to Brian Reed. I just added that in. She probably, nevermind. Yeah, she probably didn't raise it. She's like not funny. I am 30 year old mom of three and have been using tampons for over 15 years. Half your life. Here's the problem.

When you remove a tampon, it is typically full of blood nice that makes it very slimy you're welcome rotten sled the writers wait the writer said the writer so the list who wrote it yeah the writer said the tampon was white when she pulled it out that means it wasn't wet or slimy enough to create a rotten sled and slide out. Got it, okay. The advice to pee a little bit makes sense because if you get the end of the string wet, the moisture travels up the tampon

like when you get a paper towel wet and the water spreads throughout. That makes sense? Yeah. You asked about the type of pain. Think about how it feels when your hands are wet and you grab a handful of ice cubes. Got it.

I know exactly that feeling. I do. You know how it feels when your hands are wet And you grab a handful of ice cubes I know exactly that feeling You know how it sucks Or sticks and hurts to peel them off It does suck though That's exactly how it feels But in your vagina It's excruciatingly painful Your best bet is Just wait until you naturally create enough liquid

Or moisture up in there to get it out So if anybody's having that problem Let now, let me get them wet right now. Ready? Right. Boom. Now your tampon should slide right out. Whether you wanted it to or not. Someone's in the grocery store.

Splatter right on the floor. You at work? It dropped right out and the kid was like, mommy, you dropped this. You dropped your rotten sled. That makes sense that i love that explanation let's hear let's hear one more it says hey guys how come you get music i don't i didn't play it for you at the beginning you did okay uh hey guys i'm listening to the urinal horses butter paper cut episode of the podcast you guys asked the question about

tampons and why they hurt sometimes you have to take them out i feel like i can speak to this because i am a lady that makes sense With a lot of tampon experience. Wall. So simple answer as to why tampons could hurt. The vagina has a lot of nerve endings inside of it. Yeah.

That, you know, that makes sense. I think of the terms of sex. Women have a lot of nerves inside the vagina canal. So they have a lot of feelings in there. Oh, so they have a lot of feelings in there too? God.

No wonder. Ugh. So if you change your tampon. Oh, she's getting a lot of feelings in there too? God! No wonder! So if you change your tampon... She's getting her feelings hurt inside her vagina, is that what you're saying? So if you change your tampon when you haven't been bleeding a lot, essentially a dry cotton ball inside of you, and you have to pull that dry cotton ball out, it hurts because there's so

much friction between the vaginal canal walls and the cotton of the tampon. Kind of feels like taking a pencil eraser and pulling it across your skin. i love the different examples we've gotten in both of these i know exactly what it is also vaginas can dilate and the opening isn't always the same size that's i knew that that's cool so it can also happen when you're not pregnant it was like that oh yeah just uh it's like uh have you seen stranger things no but but I know exactly what you're talking about. Like I can picture the wall.

Yeah. It's always kind of pulsing. Yeah. Oh man. What a world. So it can also hurt just due to the opening of the vagina hole being smaller than the tampon when it's expanded. I love the visual, like those both examples.

Do you remember in elementary school, did you ever like uh you rub the eraser on your skin to like i remember burning my a letter b into my skin like people you scratch it until it like peels the skin off and then it scars i don't remember that we did that what yeah we had stapler fun that staple your arm and then the big red gum on your forehead you guys ever do that i remember that and the cinnamon burns a giant red square on your forehead oh i don't remember that but both those examples were very much like okay i know exactly what that feels like and you know what's amazing about the human brain and like personalities the same thing can happen to two people and their description like i love one thing you pick one topic and have multiple people make something from that and how widely different they are from the same topic.

It feels exactly like this. Yeah. And they lay it out for us. It's so cool. That is cool. All right. And then we're also going to follow up on a question we tossed out to the kids last week on the QR talk.

Yeah. Like if you had to get a QR code code tattoo above your your penis or your butt what would it say i'll read the first one this came in to our patreon from a silly goose and they said it would definitely go to a consent form i love that one we did i think we brushed on that a little bit it's like are you fine with how much i'm about to disappoint you yeah you're not gonna you're not gonna write one a one-star review. Up front, I'm telling you how bad this is. I love the idea of that being like, in case this inevitably goes to court, I need to be able to prove this in a court.

You knew it was happening. Yeah. It's like this was an e-sign. It was like an e-signature. And you signed it. You did. Look at you. Right here.

Yeah. It's got one of those pre-cursived signatures that looks way better than my real life signature much more legible i do you have we have another one too right yeah this one is from another silly goose crystal okay um qr code is a signup form where she can rate your performance later that's fuck that it's just like a like an opt-in add you to an email list it lets everybody know on that list how oh yeah how the previous person was like oh so you can look at and go at least i was better than that guy it's like a little chart oh man that's terrible and then one last picture oh yeah just, like a funny little cutout pic.

This is from Noel D. He says, what about one that takes you to this? And then the link that she sent in was straight to the Rick Astley. Getting Rick rolled. Never gonna give you up. Yep. And I clicked on it. So she also, did you click on it?

Yeah. Yeah, she got us both. I had a feeling. Where it was going? Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's true. And she got us, though.

That was Noelle She really wanted us To say her name Noelle Noelle D Noelle Yeah She's the one that

Her name was Noelle Yeah Okay I'm just making up For the times that Apparently we haven't Said her name enough And not like She doesn't have

Noelles in her name Yeah Cause I was Christmas stuff When she said that She goes I really want to hear my name Or what she said

And so I said Noelle D And I'm like Is there something I'm missing Like is it does it sound like yeah like you're tricking the newscaster on a birthday shout out so i still haven't figured if there is i think she just likes to hear her name probably how about this oh yeah noel yeah you fucking yeah you like yeah is this what you wanted yeah today yeah i'm fucking yeah are you ready yep all right let's do it hey shut up start the show already i've got a question for you what is the question you have

this is a would you rather okay found this one on the internet internet stuff yes okay lay lay lay me with it uh sorry wold because that's what wood looks like, right? Wold, you'd rather be a high school teacher or a clown. I love how that's just... It's anything other than a teacher at this point. And the thing is, there's gonna be certain personalities and then also if you are actually i wonder how many high school teachers are listeners of the show and they heard that like i wish i was a clown yeah like i feel like i'm a

clown so sometimes i feel like a clown sometimes you don don't. Hey, we're a, Hey, but what does that say about being a teacher? I mean, it's such a important part of society and such a select amount of people could actually pull it off. Do you ever think you could be a teacher? So I, at any level? Yes.

Well, let me, let me, let me rephrase this. Okay. When I went, when i was leaving high school to go to college my plan was to be an elementary school teacher okay um because i would go to wine i would i would go to uh elementary schools when i was in high school

but i would go to like the um pe class i would like help out and so i was like i got along with the kids and i i would treat them like, you know, I talked trash to him and they were really fun to be around. Um, but it's kind of like having, being an uncle and you get to leave and then the teacher deals with the rest of the shit.

You got it from here, right? See you tomorrow. Cause my mom at the same time was going back to school to be a teacher. So then I saw what she was going through to be a teacher and all that and then i was like i'm not gonna do that and that was just for elementary with the way things are right now with cell phones and social media and things like that i don't think i could handle being a school teacher because i don't think i could try to teach kids

and like fight against like get them away from their phones for me to engage with me. That would be so hard to have to battle... The distraction. Compete. I was looking for the word compete. Compete for their attention. Compete for their attention with a fucking computer

in their pocket and a social media... That is way more fun than you are. Way more fun. You hear stories all the time like a teacher taking a kid's phone then the kid complaining and like the teacher getting in trouble or something like i don't know what i would what do you do to combat that i just find this uh question interesting in the sense that it doesn't even have to be a clown actually before i get to that just to follow suit with what you were talking about one of the reasons i stopped i did not major in music was because it was leading me to be a fucking music teacher uh and i was like nah i'm

not like i'm more like i like to perform stuff uh i do not want to teach your dumb kid how to play the recorder yeah uh so that actually was a like a big deciding factor in me and i said no to like a good amount of money to just not have to be in that position could you imagine going to like going to uh what's the school in boston uh the music school oh man give me a second uh berkeley yeah berkeley school of music and a prestigious music school and then you come out of there and you're teaching kids how to play the recorder fuck yeah you spent all that money

that would be so frustrating or you could not go to school and be a clown and not have student debt I mean there is clown school there is but I feel like you don't have to it's kind of like it's optional you go to a couple circuses and you're like, I think I could do this.

I got a pretty good grasp on this. Yeah, you just walk. How big are your shoes? Too big? Come on, just let me wear your shoes. Just really go to YouTube, learn how to make some balloon animals and have a personality. I think you got it. I think I could be a clown.

Because going back to the elementary school, I knew how to make kids laugh. I know how to engage with kids. I don't know how to teach kids, but I can sure make kids laugh and have fun. Right. So I could be a clown. No problems. No problems. That's pretty funny.

Plus putting some makeup on and a wig and people don't know who you are. I mean, that's a good way to hide behind a character and people don't know who you are i mean that's a good way to hide behind a character and really go after it really let your shit i'm talking myself being a clown i feel like i'm talking myself into it next week you show up like but you slowly you don't show up fully decorated going all the way you can't no like you show up and like you have one of the little squirty flowers or only one shoes too big Yeah, i'm like brian You're going down like a scary road right now the next day. I poke it out pants You know, it's a slippery slope and you're like no I can control myself

A little whistle brian. Fuck dude. Stop squirting your computer with the water It's making weird fucking No, I can stop. I can stop whenever I want. You can't control water. It's making weird fucking... No, I can stop. I can stop whenever I want. You can't control it? That's so funny. I can stop whenever I want.

You're like, I can stop whenever I want. You walk out in your shoes like... I'm like in bed with a lady and she's like, oh, did you bring a condom? He's like, I always bring a condom. I brought some extra too blow it up he's like the sound it would make in bed like in a dark thing it's a little it's a little crown for it pops sorry sorry let me try again i always bring extras yeah i'm picturing like aa but for clowns right now i don't know why that's funny no but high school teacher and it doesn't have to be just clown it could be almost anything

else yeah and that says a lot about either our society and how much we value and pay our teachers which might mean my opinion fucking solo yeah it's disgusting especially in this state where we're recording oh yeah i mean it's just you're like ah yeah i mean you you teach my kid how to do their life but we're gonna knock you down make you pay for stuff i could you know why i think it is what i think a lot of it is perspective parents think that they're just like a glorified babysitter they don't realize what they're actually doing even that even full-time babysitter kids can't even control their fucking one kid and she and now this teacher's got 30 to 35 kids in a classroom and some are smart and some are complete dipshits yeah and you have to you have to teach both ends of the spectrum. And not lose your fucking mind.

Would you be a high school teacher or what if you had to put a scuba suit on and then go clean the septic tank down at the city? I mean, that's pretty tempting. And that's so fucked up. Would you teach high school math or literature i'm gonna go literature for you would you teach that or would you put on a scuba suit and clean the fucking sewage tank and the fact that you can't answer that that is what it's like you didn't jump in right away and say you'd rather be a teacher yes well i mean i don't know you're like okay is it a new snorkel like you start asking about like yeah are they like what kind of goggles are they are there can i adjust them around my

nose it's like i think you're missing the point it's in the problem here well at least with that job you don't take your work home with you i mean it's got to get in some crevices well no i mean not physically well yes physically that's what I meant. Physically, yes. You go home, you shower, and you still smell like shit. But with a teacher, like my mom, she's been teaching. She's been teaching teachers. She's been directors. It's a nonstop all the time thinking about it.

Writing, grading. There's poverty in certain schools. And you're just like, you go to those schools and you see the parents don't give a shit about their parent their kids and so you take that home you're you it's weird like the amount that teachers go extra and spend their own money to do shit to help kids that doesn't ever get noticed and then the students grow up they go to college and they're like man if it wasn't for mrs jones i don't know what i would have done. Yeah, but no one, Mrs. Jones didn't get a raise or Mrs. Jones, no one's given her any awards. Mrs. Jones, like you send her a nice email.

Yeah. And she's like, thanks for all those. Thanks for saving my life. You should have said that, you know, 15 years ago. Because anyway, I'm going to be working for the next 40 years of my life because I'll never retire. And then there's not enough teachers retiring because they're old and bitter and they're waiting on their pension to be the 10 year or whatever it's called. So they hate their life and now they're teaching.

Sorry to cut you off. Nope. I know. It's a terrible system that we have for the teachers here. Is there a better one out there? Maybe some more studies into different countries and how they have places like finland norway and countries that actually give people health care and care about education like yeah actually know that if you pay them more you get more talent and then they do a better job teaching the kids we care about military here right would you rather be a high school teacher or a bomb

i might be a bomb yeah well okay let's just go back we got to move on high school teacher clown i'm going clown i'm going clown okay you ready yep that was easy hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Observation time. Okay. Going back to the television.

Dude. I don't know. I mean, am I depressed? Do I need to go to the doctor? Like the last three weeks, I've been like, I've been watching some TV. Yeah, I was watching TV the other day. I've been thinking about it. No, but you remember the show. You've seen the show Hoarders.

Yeah. Okay. I mean, who hasn't? If you haven't, then you're going to have an idea of what it's about. It's about people that hold on to a bunch of stuff and turn their house into a complete disaster or their entire property into a complete disaster because they have a mental disease that doesn't allow them to let go of stuff like they love trash they can't throw things away they love certain things and

that's fine and i get that and those are the like extreme cases but after watching a couple of those episodes just driving around town and i've i mean i've always thought this i've just never i don't know like really yeah i really broke it down to the point of every neighborhood seems like has one of these houses where it's not like there's like some stuff. It's not like they like, oh shit, they left that motorcycle out for 15 years. Yeah. I mean, that's fine. Oh, they left that car there and they've never fixed the tire for 20 years. Great. When they have like five of those and then their porch is full of strollers and other baby shit and a fucking ironing board, golf clubs, a swimming pool, one's full, one's blown up, one's popped, uh, air mattress is hanging off the, off the roof. And then other air matches holding up the gutter like what how does it how does that happen you just described what our neighbors your neighbors yeah no you live next to it that's pretty fun and it's front yard front yard or backyard both

fuck yeah dude i mean it's it's insane and i'm not like it's your space and i get that that's i mean that's totally fine yes this is my property i'm gonna do what i want and what i want to do is leave this fireplace this broken fireplace over here the entire time i'm alive it looks like you were having it's like you were gonna have a garage sale yeah and you took everything out there then you're like yeah i don't put it away yeah you're like i'm not gonna mow around this shit yeah that that is what happens though it's like sometimes you the stuff that's there they just like yeah they just leave like we'll go back to the the tire thing like you popped your tire one day you're like i don't want to fix it i'll get

it to it tomorrow and then it's like i'll get to it this weekend it's been six years like i don't want to get to it on a thursday yeah you can't do it on thursday it's like tomorrow's friday i want to relax for the weekend get on monday and then you're like ah screw it i'll just buy a new car just spit balls and now you've got six cars yeah and they've all got tires i mean it's only it's only 500 more to get a brand new car yeah like why wouldn't i go do that or not you know new car new to you um but yeah that i don't know what that what clicks in the brain to have that happen and it's i mean again like this is i'm not trying to be judgy so if you are a listener and your yard is just full of shit first of all you have to know it is and then here's here's where i'm going with this

do you kind of like it i guess there's a point where you you're like i i don't want to start now this is a fucking disaster but it's my disaster and And it's just, it's kind of funny. It's entertaining at some point. You know what? Just to throw shit in your yard. Yeah. Just fuck off. Is there a point where it kind of becomes fun?

I don't know. I have a hard time thinking that it's that. I think it's that it's one thing leads to another. It's like gaining a lot of weight. You know, you don't like, you don't realize you're gaining weight. And then one day you look in the mirror like, whoa, I gained a lot of weight you know you don't like you don't realize you're gaining weight and then one day you look in the mirror like whoa i gained a lot of weight and then that can you can get you can get obese because you're just like like it hurts for me to run or whatever so you're not running and then you eat and you just keeps like whoa how did this how did this happen and like going back to

the judgy thing i'm not like i don't think i could live in a neighborhood that has an hoa because i don't want a bunch of neighbors tell me what to tell me what the fuck to do with my lawn but at the same time it's like don't do that don't go that far yeah like yeah i don't i don't want to be told i have to have my lawn at a certain thing but i don't want to like i don't want to have like three boats like with no motors boats are a good one yeah canoes they're just they're everywhere and the weirder the objects get like if you have nothing but obscure objects go for it like you have you're like what the fuck like your yard has like a sega genesis that's hooked up to an old tv that's like next to a like an old fucking like it's it's a it's an old living room set up yeah like okay like it's like there was a room there

but they and the walls disintegrated disintegrated in the room still there like if you're trying i don't know you're trying you're making some shit out of your junk but when you shrink this down this is where it like kind of got funny me. I was trying to relate to it. Like, what do I sometimes hold on to that I don't? And it wasn't that long ago. I'll get my wallet out. Okay, so, I mean, not bad. If you're watching on YouTube.

I could cause some back problems, though. Not bad compared to some of the motherfucking wallets that are out there. Yeah. Okay. So sorry. Uh, Lister, yours is twice as thick as mine.

Yeah. Well, I've got a threefold, bro. You got a bi-fold. You can't blame that on me. So what I'm getting at, oh,

and everybody has seen these fucking wallets that look, George Costanza wallet. They look like a Bible. Like they are, they are a stack of a three set of baseball cards there's like a shiv in there it can fit in there in looking at that like what are you doing what is in there why is that why does that all have to go some people think they need to keep every receipt just in case that's what i'm getting at i think maybe it was at the lawn situation it could be like i don't want it in my house but i want it in my lawn yeah i mean i could we could go down a

rabbit hole here like we've talked about the cords in the in the thing keeping like a laptop box or you get the new phone and you keep you have like six the last six phones you've kept the box because you're like what if I have to return it? And then you never do, but you keep the box. I have an iPad box. I have like two iPad boxes. I have my laptop box. I just got rid

of my Xbox box. Xbox box. And partly the reason I did that was like, I used it in a skit, and then I was like, oh, that was a good idea. I'm glad I had that. So I was like, maybe I should hang on to it a little longer. And then I finally was like, no, in a skit and then i was like oh that was a good idea i'm glad i had that so i was like maybe i should hang on to a little longer and then i finally was like no get rid of the shit go yeah and then get it out like kids are natural hoarders too yeah i was trying to take out the freaking recycling the other day and my kid like flipped out he's like where are you

going i'm like take it to the recycling what are you what are you talking about he's like that's my that's my box what are you talking about it's full of shit and he goes i caught around i looked at the box and it was like scribbles on it drawn some shit okay what he was wasn't lying yeah so i put it back in the fucking cupboard he won yeah and then i wait till bedtime and then i took it out and then i forgot about it and then kicked it out the door yeah but kids do that with their little artwork they draw something and they're like don't throw it away i'm like i don't want to throw it away i want to keep everything you do but but if i do well like i need a storage unit just for your drawing just for your shitty drawings yeah yeah it's your no picasso motherfucker um yeah i don't i just i'm just want to toss that

that question out there for people i mean if you have a thick ass wallet because i mean there's some in there like i don't know if i'm next time we back to the florida keys and i know i i hold on to some teriyaki chicken punch card you've got like hilton door like hotel cards yeah they like you just are in there your costco car like two punches on a car wash in indiana because you went to go visit your friends yeah one time like if i go back there and visit and i have get six car washes while i'm there i'll get a free one the next one's free yeah like how much is it for time to go through a couple bucks we should maybe we should say this for another time but talking about like punch cards i always feel weird when i'm using when i go to like a local coffee shop

or a local sandwich place they're always like do you want a punch card i always say no because when i did get one of those i felt really weird using it like to get a freebie yeah because it's like a small business it depends on but it depends on the people there like if it's mcdonald's sure but like the local sandwich shop then you have a free sandwich oh you want to use your free sandwich and like hell yeah i do and it's i kind of i'm like they were relying on you to lose it yeah yeah it's like they it's kind of like the the the mail-in rebate we were talking about like they just hope you don't do it don't do it right that's the that's the whole thing and they want your loyalty but at the same time like they need your money to stay open yeah well i mean you know the other 10 times you were there they got your money so sure but the yeah i mean and they also like get freebie and you're like

because it's free i'm all gonna get a cookie yeah so there's always that approach what if the sandwich close uh shop closes and they're like say no thanks for our loyal things but you know we just thanks to all of our loyal customers you put us on business because you're using all your free like one day everyone came in and used their free sandwich they made like six bucks and then shut down

rent was due places like that if one day they're closed it can ruin the whole fucking month because they're dependent on that if everyone uses their free sandwich. That's a good point. Yeah. Never thought about it that way.

Yeah. I'm thinking about the little people here. Yes, you are. Yeah. Bringing them up. Compassionate. Yes, you are. Okay.

Let's move on to some dick. All right. Fuck yeah, dude. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick.

I am going to show you my dick first. Okay. This. Whoa, Joe, put that away. Kind of relaying back to the high school or the teacher talk. Okay. From earlier. Just, you know, little bow on top. But the article goes, he has no yelling, no phones.

Florida teacher accused of organizing middle school fight club. Wow. Fuck yeah. Trying to make that little bit extra cash. Yeah, or just bored. A teacher in Florida is being accused of organizing fights at Griffin Middle School

in Tallahassee. Students were being allowed to fight in Angel Footman's classroom. A school resource deputy received an alert back on March 24th and school administrators were shown videos to support the claim. Now, school administrators were also shown videos to support the claim with alleged fights taking place between March 22 and March 23. So, you know, they had the evidence they needed.

Documents obtained by the website we're reading right here claim that several 6th grade girls told police they participated in fights planned during school hours and were invited back for more fights. You did so well last week. Like, she's, you know, here's your pay. Like, I picture Rocky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he's like, you know,

in the envelope. Yeah. Here's what you get for throwing the fight. Yeah. Or whatever. Well, the way they always do it in the movies or the shows, they're like, he get for throwing the fight yeah or whatever well the way they always do it in the movies or the shows they're like um he goes back to the guy hey we i got another fight lined up for you no man that was my last one that was it man no they want you back my family needs me yeah and you're like oh you use a big payday come out he goes i got a big school project i told my wife i was done fighting yeah but this one this one will set you for life all your family your grandkids will be they're all be they're all set so footman 23 years of age

allegedly had rules including 30 seconds no screaming no yelling no phones no one can know that this is happening and this was heard on camera she also told participants to stop pulling hair a detective who revert or reviewed the videos identified footman sitting on her on her desk failing to break up any of the fights documents also show that there are no records of footman reporting the fights to administrators so they were in the classroom is that what i said yeah in her classroom is what it said um that's why i'm moving imagine moving desks out of the way like everybody grab a desk like as soon as you get your like that's your uh incentive to get done with your classwork

because at the end of it you're gonna watch two people punch each other in the face yeah it's like the free time okay everybody that didn't but i love the uh okay like the 30 seconds no screaming no yelling it's like mimes like you just hear she's doing like the blind you know just going one two three go go it's just like it's like those videos that people do when they take the sound out of a music video and add the new stuff all the kids are like they're trying not to go oh shit like one like a little sneaker yeah yeah like a basketball court you know what's funny about like i i i didn't realize that she told that i was visualizing like how does someone know this isn't gonna get exposed that's what that's all i could think about like how do you how do you think you're going to get away with this?

How? There's no way. There's no way you're having, it's coming in multiple angles. Even let's just imagine that all the kids wanted to be there. Like you had fight club signups. 30 kids had to be in on the whole thing. Yeah.

You would still get busted because they're fucking kids and they're fighting in a school. And they're talking about it. And there's cameras. Or unless the kids couldn't talk about it. You can't. Well, I mean. That's rule number one. They couldn't yell about it.

We know that much. Well, they couldn't talk about it in the hallway. That would have to be. Could you imagine there's like 30 kids in the whole school and know this is going on. Keeping that hush but but when that school year's over or or the next class she's got to have a whole new crop of people she started all over again they signs like a no uh uh disclosure and nda and nda i mean but no matter which way you cut it in and, you know, she's like, no phones.

It's like, okay. Put all your phones in. Put all your phones, you got it, and, like, there's not going to be a kid filming the whole fight in a classroom. I mean, I'm shocked it lasted more than one day. She got two fight clubs in. That's insane.

And then she left and became a clown. Because the pay was better. The pay was better, The pay was better. And you can punch some people. And it's not illegal. I mean, fuck. That's pretty cool middle school, though. I love.

Yeah, I love that. And that, the teacher. Let's just go back to the picture. Yeah. She looks 14, maybe. I know. 23 is young. Oh, is that how old she was?

Yeah. I mean, that is, that is a young teacher. I feel like. She just got out of college and it was her first shot and she was like, screw it. I didn't even mean to do this. Is that how bad, we talk about being a teacher now, is that how bad it is where she had a couple days?

Did this just happen this year? March 22nd, 23rd. Yeah. So, like, she just, like, maybe she just took over the class. She's like, oh, dude, like, I can't. You guys are driving me crazy. Tomorrow, you two are going at it. You two point at each other. And did you guys ever have fights growing up?

Like, organized fights? I remember certain fights would be, like, after practice or, like, after school when we're meeting by the water tower. Some of those, there are plenty of parties where people would bring boxing gloves. There was a couple sets of dudes that just had them in their car at all times in case the party sucked and needed a little spice up. And that spice up was watching people punch each other in the face. And I mean, I watched some punches. See, that's different. I never did it.

Like, let's grab two people and let them duke it out. But like the actual fight where you could see it developing. And they're to the point where like, we're fighting. Like you and me and all the kids knew. Like after school, we're going to the water tower. Yeah. Or we're going over to the rock in the field that everybody knows school we're going to the water tower yeah or we're going we're going over to the rock in the field that everybody knows about we had like the dirt fight the dirt

behind the road like the rodeo stands is where our kids would go yeah our class would go fight back there because cops can't see you from the road right yeah the cop can't see you from the road like that's how big town was what that one guy no way he's seeing us over here and it's funny how things traveled like these kids would talk about it at recess all of a sudden there's 40 kids like dude how did we know this looking like street fighter background people oh yeah doing the same punch in the sky pit fighter yeah so good uh yeah and then they're the these certain people there were some i guess i mean i could never support it they knew what they were doing they had boxing gloves yeah fine they'd find two girls they know had beef and they'd like she'll punch

she said she wants to fight you yeah like you didn't even talk to him yet at least they couldn't pull hair with boxing gloves well Well, they found a way. With their teeth. No, but they would instigate it, and that was where I kind of... That's kind of like bum fights. Yeah, that shit pissed me off too. Like, do these guys actually have beef? No, they're just...

You threw them some beef and said go fight. Yeah, they get five bucks or a hamburger to go fight. Okay, that's it for me. Show me your dick over there. Let's see, see what do i have let's take a trip over to china let's do it so this is china's ban on female lingerie models leads to lingerie wearing male models in shopping live streams all right so basically i'm in China China implemented a ban Okay It's a law against spreading obscene online material

So women in lingerie is obscene Okay Over there Great, keep going After an online shopping streamer replaced its models with the male models in December Many businesses have since followed suit Effectively circumcising Keep going. After an online shopping streamer replaced its models with the male models in December, many businesses have since followed suit, effectively circumventing the ban. And they've actually, this has been like a positive thing.

Okay. They tapped into a loophole and may have been created a novel marketing strategy for the business that make them stand out from other sellers of female products okay but while many chinese social media users find the male lingerie model trend amusing there are others who have pointed out that it means fewer job opportunities for women so while it's like some companies are seeing benefits of this but it's like well the women that okay but they're like fewer jobs like Like, no, you're banned from doing it. Yeah. So that job's not yours anymore. Like, so take that off the table.

But it's not necessarily taking any job opportunity away because you can't have that job. Legally, you couldn't have the job. But it's funny to think about like, like, like they took our jobs. They're coming across the border, stealing our jobs. So funny. Or like blackface. You know, like when white actors would dress up. That's what it kind of feels like.

A little bit. In a little bit of way. It's like, if I'm a woman looking to buy lingerie, do women buy lingerie or do men buy it for them? I would say women buy it okay i would prefer i would prefer in a relationship that she i mean the whole thing's about feeling good and sexy yeah right i mean it's also about like you know being whatever character or mood or wearing something that your partner enjoys too so i get that but i mean men are

gonna buy the wrong size yeah i'm not gonna know how this fits you're not gonna be like it doesn't matter what you get lace gives me my nipples rash and you're like i want it all to be lace you made the wrong decision no matter what you bought there like if it's to the bra is too big or too small you're like what you this, you think my boobs are this small? Like, God damn it. Or do you want them to be this big? Either way,

you're fucked. Like, please just let's have sex. And then it's like, how did you know how the perfect size were you going through my bras? You creep. You're like, what?

You're wearing some as a hat. Um, but so I, I just picture like women. They're like, imagine watching like, umvc okay or like when a lady comes out and they're like standing in the thing and then like you've got the people watching oh i love the way that looks because now they have like skinny models they have like

plus size plus size models all this kind of stuff so they have all this wide variety of sizes so any woman now can look at something and go okay that's how it looks on a woman my size because you know up until then like bigger women had to see skinny models but now they can see like oh i could wear that i could look okay in that so let's say this happens and then but now they're looking at like a man just like a skinny tiny little man wearing this lingerie that they don't have any boobs no ass a penis and so yeah there's a bulge in the front instead of a bulge in the back which i think is pretty fun yeah they're like god i thought these would fit better it's like forgot about the dick on account of the dick account of the dick i just thought it's gonna

snug so imagine like ordering you're all excited to get this lingerie and it shows up and it's like this isn't what I ordered at all I mean I get the side

that they're just trying to fight back against the government like you're not gonna stop us here I'll just wear the shit that you're gonna buy like I get that angle it shouldn't be happening

in the first place but bouncing back to where I was kind of losing my shit about when you're first reading it it just goes back to the same thing with the with the high school teacher it's like how do you think you're not going to get caught it's like with china it's like do you know yeah do you know what's out there yeah you're not stopping anybody the this the world is way too connected for you to be like no one gets to see the boobs everyone's like okay yeah we i will never look at boobs again and then turn around and immediately look at boobs because you can't stop it so can't stop a train what the fuck what do you gosh today yeah how is that happening today

i mean well it's china china but the thing sure we get filtered stuff too. We think we get everything, but we probably don't. Yeah, it's fine. I get that approach. But to go this far back to North Korea then? I just thought it was so funny. When I first saw this article, you see this man wearing lingerie, and then he's wearing a mask too. If I was a man trying to be turned on um by a woman in lingerie like if that's what i'm looking for and i see that i mean like that's the it's a it's a

i'm not attracted to men wearing lingerie that doesn't fit his proportions at all and then wearing a mask that is the ultimate boner kill dude just yeah yeah you know your partner is like i thought you're gonna buy me some lingerie like i was but look then i want to go buy some there's a bunch of dudes wearing it yeah and i just didn't want to have sex anymore here's a thought to ponder so like let's say let's say you're gay you're a male you like men yeah you're gay yeah and uh well i was trying to i was trying to i know i'm just being a jackass so like and if if you are if you're a gay male or gay female it doesn't matter like if you're a gay male and you're listening what what like i wouldn't assume what is the lingerie is different yeah so there's that but that's what i'm wondering like i'm assuming you wouldn't be attracted to like female lingerie on a man you would be attracted to

male wearing what are considered male clothes right yeah because i was like i was trying to think like if i'm into men and then i see this like this is so not sexy because it's like maybe loose and flapping yeah like there's nothing nothing's filling out the front yeah whereas like if he was wearing like you know thong underwear what makes that better than a mannequin and the answer is nothing nothing so that is what i think is where we a mannequin is way sexier than... Than a man. A mannequin. There's got to be a joke in there somewhere. There is.

I'm just not smart enough to find it at the moment. But I get you. I get what they were doing. It's a stand against the government. But a bunch of ill-fitting clothes coming your way. Nothing is less sexy than ill-fitting lingerie. Yeah. Like just walking in and like the panties are all way too loose

like dripping down and like the boobs like not even close to filling it out it's just she's wearing like a it's a giant piece of cloth at that point you're like oh and you have to pretend you like it well i mean it's trying to laugh a little bit. It's just like if... Let's go back to the mannequin thing. Like, if you dressed a male... If you had a male mannequin and you threw female clothes on it, it doesn't matter if it's lingerie or not, it's going to look awkward. Yeah, it's not going to fit. And so then you throw on something that's supposed to be fitting and sexy,

like accentuate parts of your body. And it just doesn't do that. Like, how is anybody looking at that going that would look great on this my wife or whatever i'm buying that or any female that's like i can't i don't know how that's gonna look on me because it's on some some dude dude with like just a straight skinny body it literally looks like a stick bug which i mean that's fine uh okay let's move on to Petty Beef. We gotta do it.

Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. You got your gavel?

You got your gravel? Nope. Can you imagine if there was two judges? And didn't listen here yeah like ruling each other out yeah they're like hammer everyone's in the courtroom just like looking at these two guys like everyone's just grabbing their forehead it's like fuck this is a disaster so our petty beef for this week is coming in from our future special olympian son jacob and he writes hey daddies i've got some shit i need you to settle for me between me and your daughter-in-law sarah i get it now i have a dark sense of humor and it's how i shrug off the bullshit of the day-to-day two years ago

i was diagnosed with a serious but not life-threatening condition that has left me with permanent nerve damage and could one day take away my ability to walk. And then in quotes, or not, in parentheses, but probably won't. I love making jokes about it, though. I will sometimes send my wife links to houses with wheelchair ramps. And I especially love talking about one day having a fast pass at amusement parks. And then in all caps, he goes, my wife hates this. Yeah.

She gets upset and tells me not to joke about it. Why laugh my ass off? Imagining myself rolling by hundreds of people at Disneyland singing, move, bitch. Get out the way. I love my life to death. Or I love my wife to death. I don't know. Maybe I'm the asshole.

You tell me. Your son, Jake. Well. death or i love my wife to death i don't know maybe i'm the asshole you tell me your son jake well i there's a lot of things that we have talked about that i would actually i mean i would consider too dark to ever actually say on the show so i mean our sense of humor is is very i mean it's down there yeah it's in the pits gutter despair yeah so as you could tell with me reading this yeah and i'm laughing while you're telling me what you're saying i'm gonna side with you yeah because that's how i deal with it too yeah like all the hardship stuff i mean not even it wasn't even not that dark but think about talking about the minivan with my dad yeah i

mean it's the same thing like how do you there's nothing funny rolling your dad out of the house until you like and you could put it you're like yeah let me just put him in a minivan and then that was it but the visual my brain is not gonna let that go it's like i'm putting my dad in a fucking minivan like they didn't roll down both seats like just just enough room like he was a carton of milk like just squeezing them in with the pet food like didn't have time to pull the other release like having to like push the seat forward they're leaning the seat forward a little bit they're like i'm not doing that yeah they're not doing the full the full lay down even making them sit up a little bit okay so, so the dark sense of humor.

The guy in the passenger seat is leaning forward. They hook the wheels over the seat. Okay, fuck it. So, sense of humor, great. But I also, before I do the next part, what do you think? You feel like? Yeah, I'm on the exact same page. And I can even relate to this a little bit.

I, you know, i i same thing like i could tell jokes because i can separate real life from a joke and not everyone can do that and my wife can do that sometimes and there's certain times she can't like we'll you know joking about oh kids getting hit by a car like it's not funny no in real life it's not funny but like you can make it funny and so like when she was pregnant with our first son i remember she was probably like a month out i mean she was close and there was something that came out like it was like an investment opportunity and i was like well it just wouldn't be smart to you know do that right now i was like what you could wouldn't be smart to you know do it right now i was like what you could do is you could just flush that out and then we don't have to

make any money or have to worry about using the money that we're going to spend at the hospital and then we could invest in this opportunity she didn't talk to me i'm not shitting you she didn't she didn't talk to me for almost two weeks because she talked to you when she had to talk to you and that was when she's getting birth yeah she's like hey my water to you when she had to talk to you and that was when she's getting birth yeah she's like hey my water broke you gotta take me to the hospital that was the next time she talked to you yeah yeah i can see how she didn't like that wasn't well received no and and obviously like when you're pregnant you're like there's a lot going through and that it was completely my fault yes but that's my, I'm the same way as this guy.

Like, that's me. It's, that's me like making light of a situation. Yeah. Like if you were to say you were diagnosed with cancer or something like that, like obviously you're terrified and your spouse is probably even more terrified. So like finding ways to joke about oh when i lose my hair blah blah blah and she's like i don't find that funny and you're like well it's not funny but like i'm trying to make light of it like that's the same like the amount of money we're going to save on

haircuts exactly is yeah yeah right maybe that'll cover one of the chemo sessions yep yeah so like that i get it but is there any sort of consideration you have to have as someone with a dark sense of humor and your wife hates it so do you have to be or like do you just say it because that's who you are and it's keeping you positive so you just start you just turn off your your funny thoughts then you're spent you're spending your life with this other person like they're they are your sounding board and so if you just bottle that up yeah it's all about time and place a lot of times my wife wouldn't love that joke now but she could handle it a lot better now i think than when she was about ready to push a life out of her so like this guy maybe don't send links of houses like if you're

like if you're a situation that is weird but i mean it's so funny to say like those sickness ramp is yeah but like you know like making a joke about oh it's gonna be sweet when we go to disneyland because when we get to the front of the line like that that's just funny i'll see you guys i'll meet you guys in the next ride yeah exactly like uh you guys are gonna wait here for two hours i'm gonna go right on right now that's funny but like out of nowhere just sending links

for houses with that that might like you could cut back on that if I'm being just sending like it's funny

I still find it funny showing skateboard clips you're like check out this Tony Hawk and you're like but check out that ramp like that's that's the kind of ramp

I'm looking for yeah that's gonna suit my needs I'm gonna side with Jake I's gonna suit my needs um i'm gonna side with uh jake i'm gonna say that you can't just shut off the dark sense of humor just you're gonna have to deal with the consequences as long as as long as it's not gonna like push her away to where she's gonna leave you yeah that'd be a bummer and either roll your you have to roll your ass up those ramps and that's not fun dude there's there's a lot of give and take in

marriage and i like i'm even like there's so many times when i've wanted to say something that i decided not to that i could have and my wife she's never she didn't even know that i didn't say it yeah and i want to say like i had something really funny that i wanted to say and i didn't you should give me praise for that yeah you know what i mean like be proud of me i thought of you and i thought she won't like this so i didn't say it so i kept the moment alive and you're so lucky it's almost like i'm doing it's like me going and doing the dishes and you're like oh thank you for doing that that's the equivalent of me not telling that joke i didn't tell this joke tell me good job yeah yeah yeah no yeah nope not telling you yep i just did the laundry i just did the laundry and that's what we're going to

focus right now yep uh okay we do have some more or not some more we do have some good news though and we're going to get to that right now are you ready okay so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren are doomed. Yeah! If you have the children's, you know that you would pretty much do whatever when it comes to their health and saving their life, right? Is this a place for one of those jokes where it'd be like, No, bad timing. Depending on whether they're in timeout or how their grades are?

Yeah. How do they do in their in their their basketball game are they coming out are they leaving the school with a big hug and you're excited to see him or are they being a little fucking shit at a restaurant i don't know do they load the dishwasher because that's gonna change a lot on how much i'm gonna do for them nobody says uh determined nunavut i believe dad dropped 79 pounds to be nunavut nunavut dad dropped 79 pounds to be Nunavut. Nunavut. Dad dropped 79 pounds to be organ donor for teenage son.

Why did you say it like that? Nunavut just crept in and took over my fucking mouth. So, asked how he was able to stick to his strict year-long weight loss regimen, Daniel Kablutskia credits a few things. He goes, determination,

love, and I guess, uh, stubbornness. He said, yeah. Behind those things was a clear goal to lose enough weight so he could give his teenage son a more normal life. Daniel needed to lose weight in order to be the organ donor for Hunter, his son, 16. Hunter was diagnosed

with stage 5 kidney disease back in 2020. He's been managing okay, Daniel says, but the medications, about 10 pills a day, of course, take a toll. He's been doing just fine with all these pills that drains his energy easily compared to a normal teenager. So a new kidney would be a life changer for Hunter, and Daniel was the prime candidate to be the donor except for one thing. At 274 pounds, Daniel was deemed overweight, and to be the donor except for one thing at 274 pounds daniel was deemed overweight and to be a donor he had to get his weight under 200 pounds so daniel's other kids were all you know potential donors but he didn't want to have them to go through the surgery so that you know if he could do what he would so he just simply said i took action and the rest of the article i mean diet

exercise cutting back on sugar walking at least five kilometers every day, whether it was cold or not. He did everything he possibly could to make sure that he was ready to donate his kidney to his son. And that's, I mean, could you imagine if you didn't do that? Like if you, like he needed it, but you were 201? Like you didn't work quite hard enough.

Yeah. You just couldn't. The night before he had to do it,'s like fuck dude this pizza sounds so good yeah he's like goddamn but the big game's on oh day before the super bowl i don't know says i was determined i really love them put my mind into it i'm going to do it and i went at it it's fantastic i know it's yeah that's a good point what What if, just fuck your life up. You just didn't quite pull that off. No, if you knew that, like, you had the opportunity to do that and you didn't. Like, that's, right now, I know I need to lose weight.

Like, I have high cholesterol. I've gone to the doctor. But there's no, like, there's nothing visual. Like, I'm gaining weight, but it's like, I'm'm not i didn't have a heart attack or anything like i always need like i need something it's like a hard change thing yeah so like something like that where like i need to lose this weight or else my kid could die or whatever like that's that's pretty good motivation yeah and if that's not enough well are you i mean what kind of dad are you anyway that's so that's what I came across.

You found something? Should we take a look at the thing you found? Did I? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. We'll figure it out here. One second. The internet is pretty wild.

Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together. As a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome!

I don't know how well this would work, Joe. Alright, well, I'm curious to learn more. I just think it's... I just think, you know, like I spend a lot of time in bathroom and toilets and stuff. I've learned. Yeah. And this isn't just for toilets you can use it a lot of places but basically what this is it's like a 16 color toilet nightlight i would wait so you said it's not just for toilets well there's a picture of someone using it in a

closet oh shit in a drawer oh damn okay so it's multi-use yeah it's a multi-function oh shit where'd you get that oh that's the toilet toilet light that i've hooked onto my dresser right next to your wife's shirt same pants you use the same one yeah yeah and you just move it back and forth okay um i don't know i just thought it was like when you wake up at the middle night to go to the bathroom whatever and you know it's like you don't want to turn on a light to wake up because then it wakes you know too much so the idea of like it's just that it's that and also like if you'll say wake up the middle night you got to poop or something walking down the hallway and just seeing like this glow so basically it's an led light that

can clip onto a toilet and lights up the toilet and i was like walking down the hallway and like you gotta take this giant triumphant dump and there's just this light glowing glowing out of it and just looking like it's a oh you know like it's just ready to which is which is funny except your feces because i uh actually had one of these at one point you did and there's two settings and one is motion activated so like when you walk in and then like you stick your your penis in the toilet then it's like hey what's up dude i gotta wake up and be like bright red so like you sit down it just goes yeah it's like hey welcome sitting on a pot of lava and the other one you just leave it on the problem when you leave it on is it doesn't do a good if

you close the lid oh yeah like even if it's it just it'll just stay on forever so the batteries just fly out of it so you're reaching in there and replacing the batteries and then the p's flap i mean it splashes all over it um but i will i will say i when we had it until I got sick of replacing the fucking batteries in it, it was exactly what you're describing. It was a monumental moment. Because when you're getting up in the middle of the night, you're trying to move fast enough like you don't lose the sleepy. Yeah. Like you purposely stay sleepy. And you kind of squint your eyes a little bit because you don't want to.

Like you're trying to slow your brain down and so yeah an intrusive light would definitely snap you out of that situation so having a having a nice soft led in your toilet this is a there's a one pack for 890 or you can get a three pack for 1498 so deal that's one free i mean yeah like you get one, basically. You could treat it as you don't want to replace the light. You just get three of them. Well, yeah. For six extra bucks. And then don't replace it and just throw a new one in there.

Just flush it. Every couple of months, spend 15 bucks on some new ones. Just flush it. Flush it down the toilet. Kick it with your shoe on in there. Fuck it. Get it out of here. Watch it go.

Watch it as it lights. That'd be kind of cool. Gets clogged. It's the coolest clog you've ever had, though. Yeah. Get it out of here. Watch it go. Watch it as it lights. That'd be kind of cool. Gets clogged. It's the coolest clog you've ever had, though. Yeah. It's a commercial here in Spokane. What is it? You got a clog?

Call the dog. It's a bulldog rooter. Is it? Yeah. I don't know that guy. I just know, like, whatever, the other rooter company. Rooter guy? Roto?

Roto? Roto? Roto Rooter? That's a big one, I think. Oh, like a national thing? Yeah. We're number one in the number two business. I've never, I guess, haven't clogged enough toilets across the country.

Across the 50 states. That's my goal, is to clog a toilet in all 50 states. Like, everyone wants to visit them or, like, go to the, like, every capital city. Get a magnet. Or every baseball stadium. Like, you just want to clog a toilet in every state. I want to clog a toilet in every state i want to clog a toilet in every capitol building in every state how about that like a nice nice one yeah you're not gonna go

all that way to not be gonna have at least a marble countertop yeah yeah like from fucking circle j and just take a picture like take a selfie in front of the toilet it's already clogged here i am in austin texas always holding up a number two. Yep. Oh, yeah. Always the peace. Oh, cool. Peace sign. No, it's number two. No, it's number two. Look what I'm doing.

Okay, yeah. Good. I love that. I love that. So, yeah. And if you give it a whirl. Give it a shot. Give it a swirl.

Give it a swirl. Let's hear from some of the kids. Okay. Hey, Lugard! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. Our first email is coming in from our good Samaritan son, Anthony. Anthony! My favorite nipple flickers. That's fun. Yeah. I'm a personal trainer in Portland, Oregon, and it's been raining hard today. I got in my car and saw that the person next to me left their window open and all their

shit was getting ruined. The amount of times I've seen that is... What are you thinking? Isn't it weird how nice the car is to how bad you feel for them? Yeah. Like if it's a BMW convertible, fucking X7 series or whatever, and they let you like, I don't care. Some guy that's just trying to get by in a Tercel.

Yeah. See, that's a little bit different. Yeah. Why did you do that in Portland though You know it rains I had my gym bag in the car From swimming earlier And I thought fuck it

I can lose a towel to help this person What a nice guy So like a good citizen I go and drape my towel over the open window Not realizing that I had rolled my shorts up in the towel Said shorts got flung into the car as i was trying to grab them they they walked up on me the people walked up i panicked and said this isn't what it looks like my wet shorts are in there it looks like it's just my wet shorts

are in your car you're not gonna believe this that is such a portland fucking story they're like okay i'll hear you out because i've i've heard i've seen weirder shit today so why are your wet shorts in my fucking car it's just like it's yeah that's such a weird thing it's not what it looks like i'm not breaking your car your shorts or my shorts are just in your car just happen to be in your car okay uh they called the police and as they were uh walking walking wait this is waking up they walking up, and then I apologized when I articulated the whole situation. The guy told me not to leave because he gave them my discretion, but he was in a rush and had to leave. So now that I'm standing alone in a parking lot waiting to wave down a cop, and then I had to explain that he just left, but it's not an issue anymore which sounds suspicious as fuck oh he

disappeared yeah yeah this whole thing is a big ruse just to get you there yeah he wrote down my license plate number and said if they got uh if they got a call that i was lying he would put out a warrant and it goes to show that helping people is just a silly goose thing to do love your guts anthony that is sad those those are my favorite stories and i've had a few where you're just like you're you're just trying to do something nice yeah and then it's like now my day is ruined my we like i have a court date it's like what the fuck i was just trying to like help a lady across the street i know it's like when you have a court date. Let someone get in front of you and then

whatever item they grab, they can't find the price on it and they gotta run around for 15 minutes. And you only had like three items yourself. Yeah.

But you're just like, I mean, I'll be a nice guy this time. I do that all the time. I'm like, just go ahead, you've got one thing and then they're like,

price check on fucking whatever. Can I get this and all the cigarettes from across the store one thing. And then they're like, call it. Yeah. Price check on fucking whatever. Can I get this? And all the cigarettes from across the store. Yep. And then everyone, the other line that you could have picked is just shuffling. Goose going through.

And they're all, you feel like they're all looking at you. Yeah. Like, he's fucking idiot. Poor sap. I'm not going to get into the whole story, but it does remind me of helping this lady when her car broke down.

And I helped push her out of the way. And then she was like, I'm staying in this hotel. the whole story but it does remind me of helping this lady when her car broke down and i helped push her out of the way and then she was like i'm staying in this hotel and then she just left me there with her kid and then like i don't know where she went like it was not a short thing it was fucking i'll just with this random lady's kid for i forget how long it happened years and years ago i forgot but i feel like it was like 30 minutes of just me and this kid what the fuck did i agree to god damn it dude i've had that happen with in the in the winter here we have bad winters and i live up on a hill and i remember there's a car that couldn't get up the hill i stopped my car to go help push them up and like push push push it was turning and it was it caught and they got up there i was like

sweet i go to get my car it's stuck and now like now i can't get up the hill and that person's just like oh thank god i made that guy yep and now i'm stuck and it took me all fucking night to get home that's really funny i could have kept my momentum i could have kept going i was trying to be nice yeah i'm trying to made it right on up there. We're moving on to our next email. No name. Honk honk. Honk honk, motherfuckers.

Approximately 15 years ago, we stayed in a Holiday Inn, and we were there for a concert. When we checked into our room, I found the bathroom was all fuckered up. Somebody with fine black curly hair had been shaving. Now, do I know this? Because there were clusters of these hairs flung against the back of the door on multiple walls. And I'm assuming after passes with the razor, fucking gross, right? What's worse is that the crawly little white mitts that had took up the residence. Mites.

Mites took up the residence. It's a big difference. Those little fuckers had the weirdest flavor. Just kidding. They tasted fine. Just kidding. I didn't taste them. My ex-wife did. Just kidding. They tasted fine. Just kidding. I didn't taste them. My ex-wife did.

Just kidding. She said they taste like pubic lice. She would know. Just kidding. She's a whore. She never charged all those guys. What? Just kidding.

I'm not kidding. Yeah. Okay, I get it. He's just going down. Your favorite illegitimate bastard stepson fake name. That sounds like Edward Scissorhands was cutting this guy's beard doing that yeah what a weird movie yeah like really yeah fucking weird movie i haven't seen that movie since the 90s i should watch it again like that that chick trying to get fucked by him do you remember that part he's trying to seduce edward scissorhands yeah because

yeah i mean i remember someone i remember it being weird cooking the i mean the bushes the hair and then all the shish kebabs in the waterbed it's just because he had scissors for hands he was like he just yeah i mean i get the lesson i get the lesson there's always a no matter how unique and crazy you think you might be there's going to be a part for you in the world so i get that but what a weird fucking concept jesus christ that was tim burton right yes who else would have johnny depp and tim burton they're attached okay let's read uh let's do one more email is that okay yep okay go ahead hey it's your best friend hi pod it's insane let's just get right into it okay my friend who i mentioned in previous petty beef from a bunch of episodes ago about stupid textures.

I remember. By the way, that made my whole day. Thank you. You're welcome. He always denied dead on. Or played dead. He always played dead and pretended like he was choking. You know, the normal guy stuff you do when you're 10.

One time, we were all eating these taffy sort of things that my other friend always had in his room. We would eat a bunch of them at a time because we were that cool. One time he was choking. Was he thought? Was he though? Was he though? He spelled it thought.

You guys make my life a living hell. Yes, he really was, we thought. He was just playing. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes, he really was, but we thought he was just playing around. So we yes he really was but we thought he was just playing around so we were laughing at him like stop joking around we get it but he wasn't budging we just thought he was uh good at fake choking my other friend then looked at us like we were crazy and then i kid you not kicked him in the stomach and a glob of candy came flying out of his mouth

he started yelling at us like you're're just going to let him die. What do you say? He cried wolf. He sure did. Sorry for the long story, but I thought it was kind of funny. Love you all. Your fun son,

John. Oh man, that is, have you ever had a scary choking, a scary choky situation? Uh, well, I've,

yeah, our youngest, I remember he, he almost choked on a Dorito when he was really young, but I mean, if there's one thing that that's a tasty thing to choke on. Yeah, when it went to go out. Yeah.

I mean, I had a close call one time with steak. Because, like, with steak, I just get so excited to eat it. And I'm, like, I'm, like, dipping it in mashed potatoes. And I'm chewing on it. And sometimes I won't even, like, finish chewing it. Because you're so excited. And you just swallow it. Yeah, because you want the next bite.

And one time I did that. And it was, like, like a really chewy one and i didn't chew it enough and it swallowed it and it was like you feel it i was like oh no this is it yeah right i know i thought legitimately like this is it did you get it down with some water what'd you do no it like it's slowly i i just kind of did like yeah yeah dude i know everybody knows that feeling it's it was terrifying choking is so weird it's bizarre like you have to eat but yeah you could die but if you don't do it right you're gonna do it right like anything else if you don't it's like anything else is like voluntary if i don't do this right i could die but that's like you have to do it has to do it yeah breathing eating if you don't do it right you're fucking dead and it can totally kill you

it's like yeah i need to change the the electric the the wires in my bathroom i don't have to do that but i need to if i do it wrong i could die yeah this is chewing food yeah yeah and you just don't do it right because something essential idiot because you're too excited too excited to get that next chunk of meat that's the thing like back in the olden days like we're up here where are we going we're going way back like just people eating like bread and water were they excited to eat or they're just like i gotta eat because i my body needs it and even then you know some of them choked and died yeah that's the saddest part because they were so hungry yeah they're just like i have to eat but us it's like oh my god all this shit you could eat like i could only a whole handful handful of skittles

and it just turns into a giant glob of candy it's basically what this guy's talking about yeah okay it feels like it's gonna burn a hole in your stomach or your throat at any moment and it's just scratching your throat as it goes down hi anyway i had an ad i had a chokie with my mom um that sounds like she was sex thing yeah me and my mom made my mom gag me my mommy had a chokie uh what we were at uh pizza factory okay not pizza factory here not the one that if you are aware of the pizza factory in court lane different one have one back home and i'm sure i've shared this the last time we talked about pizza Factory because I think about

it all the time. And I still give my mom shit for it. But we were eating it and they are, their pizza just like kind of known for, you take a bite and that whole top of the cheese is coming off into your chin. The cheese isn't sticking to

the bread, to the rest of the pizza. The whole slice is coming. So in this particular situation, that's what happened. I don't know. It's probably like 10, 11 in that area. And the whole cheese goes in my fucking throat. And I'm going, right? And my mom leans in.

She goes, quit making a scene. Knock it off. We're going home. I'm going, quit doing that. Yeah. Quit making a scene. And I'm like, and then luckily my stepdad, because I reached across the table and just go, puh, puh.

And he just goes, puh. Like this huge glob comes out. And I just look at my mom. And then she's like, you know, just goes back to eating. It's like, what if the last thing

you said to me? Stop making a scene. You're being so dramatic. Yeah. It's like, you always do this. This is why we don't go out anymore.

Can you imagine her yelling at like, we got the pizza one fucking time. Him too. Stop. Knock it off. He needs to learn his lesson.

This is why we can't go out anymore. You're mad so funny there's so many people like that like my grandma would be one of those people like she's so concerned about what the neighbors think or whatever like you could be out you could be like yeah fighting for your life and it's like dude it's like you're bleeding on their grass yeah is that a nice thing to do? Right. Yeah, exactly. So good. Yeah. I'm so worried what they're going to think.

What are the neighbors going to think? All right, let's wrap it up. Show 44. That was fun. Yeah, I had fun today. Yep. I didn't think I was going to, but it turns out at the beginning, I was like, I'm excited, but am I?

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That was pretty solid. I have something for you to think about. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already. Yeah. Right. Making a typo in an online argument is the equivalent of having your voice

crack in a real life argument. Dude, that's pretty bad. And I, uh, not so much anymore. I'm not talking nearly as much as I was at one point, but it happened. It happens to me all the time. I'm like, and then I just have to move on. I guess, pretend like it didn't happen. It's fine when you're with a group of people and you're like,

Oh, we should. And they're like, Oh, going through puberty again, especially guys. Oh yeah. But is there anything?

Okay. Both sides of it. You're in an online argument. You and I are fighting about something and we're going back and forth. And then you use the law, like the wrong form of your, or their, you're stupid.

It's like, yes. It's like, you're wrong. Like I just snapped's like you're wrong like i just snapped my you just teed it up you dumb fuck but yeah any sort of time yeah buddy i thought you were gonna say buddy once told me the word uh but yeah i just thought that was a pretty funny it is funny yeah it's the same thing i i do love that like someone's complaining about something and they're like you're such an idiot and i've seen it i mean that's one of my like did you seen it but you did are you sure about that are you sure about that sure you've seen it

sure you've seen it all right kids we love you gooses we'll honk with you in just a sec bye