Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Dog Water. Fencing. Leg. Coroner.

Episode Date: August 7, 2024

If you came across a dead body that was recently struck by a train... and the leg was now free-range... would you take a bite of it? Let's talk about that, a new children's show that we should probably start making, trying to pet a cat that's always on fire, sucking seeds out of the butt, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/5CuAzOftEtYSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Dog water, fencing, leg, corner. Tell me if I'm wrong. I didn't change anything in the studio. Did the bass feel real nice today? It was kind of thick. I was going, especially nice today. I was kind of giving the bottom lip. I looked up at you and you were doing it.

I'm like, okay, it's not just me. It's not just you. It's a little extra dirty. Yeah. We're doing it too. You were doing it? I was doing it, yeah. We're doing it!

We're doing it! Something in the air down here. Asbestos. Yeah. I canos. Yeah. I can feel it coming. Well, we would know. We tore the roof off this place quite literally. Yeah, dude.

Joe, when we were working on this, we posted a video of it two years ago, whatever. Yeah, it's been a bit. But he just was ripping the frickin' ceiling out of this place. It was awesome. Nice. We're doing that with flip-flops on? Yeah. It's just stupid.

So dumb. What are we doing? Swinging sledgehammers through unknown walls. Not smart. That's where we found the peaches. Yeah. Where are they? Down there.

It's got Rubik's Cube on top of it. We still haven't opened those yet. No. Because people got really, they concerned us. Well, yeah, don't just do it. You know, there's bird flues in there. Something. something you're gonna turn this house into a super fun site yeah the black plagues hanging out in there episode 112 got the bonus content you guys the amount of hours we have of if you're not in patreon that you've never heard you can can get it. Last week got a little wild.

It does every time. But if I remember right, last week was like, we set the headphones down. Headphones? Oh yeah. These are close. Still had, I mean, come on.

And we were like, was that too much? But you can head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. That's how you get that stuff. Be sure to check out Scarecast. Yeah yeah what are you doing there now i mean because i can see a little relief wave as you walked in so i guess cards are done they're pretty much all done okay but we're starting a new thing of cards of course yeah yeah because you love punishment i do i

like making these cards is that a sadomasochist yeah maybe, maybe. Is it you? Yeah, that's me. You're looking good. You got a haircut. You look fresh. Yeah, I got a thing up here. Looks like you trimmed your beard a little bit. Looks nice. Nope, that's the same.

Oh. Meanwhile, I look like a fat pedophile. Because I... Fatophile? I keep getting... A fatophile? Fatophile? Fatphile?

PHATphile. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I think I gotta let this beard grow back in. A fatophile? A file? A fat file? P-H-A-T file. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I think I've got to let this beard grow back in. It's just like, when I do that, I mean, that's a bad look. I know. If I shave this thing off, I got that too.

There's a certain age when you shave your beard off, it's just so disappointing. You're like, oh man, why'd I do that? You shave it off, your head's round, you're like, what am I? Yeah, it's really round. I was trying to emphasize the stache, and now I just emphasize, like, I don't even have an Adam's apple. It's gone. The whole show, you're just looking up to make sure that little double chin doesn't pop up. Yeah, man's got no gas in it. Hold my breath.

I can hold my breath. I can hold my double chin. I'm going to hold my breath the whole show. Joe's just going to talk and do the whole show. I'm going to hang out in the Baja and hold my breath. Things you want to see on the show, you send that in to heyguys at canyounowpodcast.com. Yeah, give us a little refresh. A little refresh.

We've been talking about it the last couple weeks, but don't slow down. Keep sending stuff in. And then we have a shit ton of merch. Big thank you to everybody that's picked it up. Because it seems like, I don't slow down. Keep sending stuff in. And then we have a shit ton of merch. Big thank you to everybody that's picked it up. Because it seems like I don't know. Not like every second. Hold my breath. Yeah, don't hold your

breath. No, but it's popping up and people are picking this stuff up. We've got a brand new sweatshirt. The Can You Don't sweatshirt and the Oh and Don't is a bomb. Okay? Because not a bomb. And then a very offensive to some people, but it's just the middle finger. And it says, can you don't? Of course, there's the grow up, lick a butthole.

And then we have some radness. A little radness summer line with a tank top, a cup, a t-shirt. That's all available right now at canyoudon'tpodcast.com. I need to get my grubby hands on one of those tanks. You know how to do it, right? I know, I do. I just have to do it. Bird house, though. I know, bird house is in hands on one of those tanks. You know how to do it, right? I know I do. I just have to do it. Bird house, though.

I know. Bird house is in there. Things are, yeah. Everyone who picks it up, you have no idea how much that support means to us. It's a huge deal. So head on over there and check that shit out. Come on a t-shirt with a bird house on it. That's a weird jizz rag.

Oh, yeah. It's like a double on the palm. And what if you come on the bird house? What if you lick a butthole while you're wearing the girl up lick a butthole shirt? I like that. These are magic fucking shirts. Get one now. These are things you can make movies out of.

We have two quick updates, and then we'll get the show rolling here. I never thought this would happen, but here we are. Remember David Neal? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think this might have been before Calm Young Uncle Zach's time. Yeah, this was a while back So David Neal, Zach just to fill you in

Is he the bowler? No That's Pete Weber But I wouldn't be surprised if Pete Weber was doing a little bit of this But David Neal got in trouble For sneaking into hotel rooms and sucking on toes And I thought that would be the end of it And then this article came across.

Hotel worker who targeted female guests snuck into the room and licked their feet. So there's that. It looks like he got kicked in the nose because he was doing a little too much licking. To bust the feet. His nose is pointing slightly to the room. Slightly? It's like a... It's got mash, dude.

You know those optical illusions you can walk around and it looks like it's... This is like you're standing... You don't even have to walk around. Standing in the wrong spot. You're like, nah. Must not be at the right angle. Yeah.

But this guy was sneaking in there licking feet. Let's just get his name out there. Ahmed Fahmy. Okay? 45 years old, licking feet, sneaking in. I didn't know that was going to be a fear, though. Right? I don't like it.

Is this a thing? Well, I mean, two people have done it. Two people have been caught. No. There's got to be more. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Two people have been caught. I get why they want to work at hotels, because there's a lot of feet.

There's a lot of toes and feet to lick. So I get it. And you have access to all those rooms where those sleepy feet are at. This little piggy went to the... I just, like, imagine creeping into someone's hotel room, and then they think you're, like, breaking in to do something terrible, and you're like, no, I'm just going to lick your feet. Just lay down, I'm just going to lick your feet.

I'll be out of your hair in a second. Hey, me. I'm here to lick my toes again. It's David Neal again. What's he up to these days? Jail. Yeah, you can't just be sucking on strangers' toes. Oh, he's sneaking into people's cells now and doing it.

His roommate's like, Dave! It's like three in the morning, and the guy's like, he's laying there. He's like, ow. Ow. It's like a little tickle. He's like, ah. And David's like, he's laying there, he's like, ow, ow. It's like a little tickle. He's like, David's like, don't mind if I do.

Is that tenactin flavor? Yeah. Oh, licking an athlete's foot. Like Pete Weber with those bowling shoes, like just taking some, and then, you know,

the, get a quick lick in, suck on that third little piggy or whatever. And then we talked a lot about, or we have talked a lot about HOAs. And I just want to throw this out there. God damn, this would fucking piss me off.

HOA members try to shut down children's lemonade stand by calling sheriff's office. No! What? That's a bad person! And they were saying that you can't do that. And you can't be on like, whatever. Like, they're in the street They're blocking the street. They're entrepreneurs. So the cops showed up

They were not blocking the street and then they called again because they're on the sidewalk probably And they called again and said yeah, this is private property and then they're like well No, the parents are also part of the HOA so they they can be here. Just fuck HOAs Can we just knock it off and cut your grass? Yeah, serious. Grow up. Who calls the cops on kids with a lemonade stand? If there's an adult out there with a lemonade stand, there's probably some shady shit going on. Yeah.

It's not just lemonade. Yeah. But it's just a couple of kids. They could be the front of a money laundering scheme, of course. I mean, it could could we don't know that for sure yeah i've seen plenty of people out there with signs like hey could use some money for my sick kid and you know they're full of shit they don't have kids the kids that died years ago yikes they probably you know sold them off into slavery whatever not slavery no sex sex sex stuff no that's over yeah you know you put an

end to that yeah all right we have a wild would you rather really makes no sense hey shut up start the show already all right we need some imagination. Okay. From the whole group. Okay. Would you rather have a flaming cat or a dog made out of water? Wait. Like a gay cat? No, I don't think a gay cat. I mean, yeah, I think a gay cat for sure.

Meow cat. Meow. But a flaming cat. So a cat that's on fire. It's your pet. It's your favorite pet Okay Or you have your dog But it's made out of water

So the cat's just all Like it's walking around Ghost rider Jumps up on the couch To lay in your lap And it's just on fire I mean What if it doesn't set other things on fire

What if it's just on fire So you can never pet it It's just a hot flaming Well you could put like a mitt on, like an oven mitt. Dress up like a firefighter. Yeah. Give your... Hey, hon, can you grab my oven mitt?

I want to pet the cat. I want to pet the cat. It's being really lovey right now. You know how they are. You know how they are. They fucking hate you, and then one day they want some leaven. God, what's a good name for a flaming cat? It's got to be some Blaze. Blaze, that's a good name for a flaming cat? It's got to be some blaze.

Blaze, that's a good name. But that's right off the top. There's got to be something better. That's pretty good, though. What's that? Ambers. Amber. Ambers.

Well, that's my wife. She's not on fire. Well, not yet. Yeah. You're not here and I'm reading a news article about you setting your wife on fire? Brian can't make it today. Yeah, he's incapacitated. Busy weekend for that guy.

And that dog made out of water. What do you call that guy? Soup? No. Aquaman. Aquadog. Aquadog. God, a dog made out of water. But then if the dog, it's just the shape of a dog,

but it's water, right? Yeah. What's that? And does it make the sloshy noises? Does it leave little wet footprints? And then there's the cat leaf fire footprints. We've got to make this even. No, I don't think it leaves fire footprints, but it leaves little black, like charred burn marks.

And then so the, yeah, but the dog leaves little wet, like wet. Every time, like if it came in when it's walking in in the puddle like just all the time and if you live in When it fuck a colder climate during the winter Like how often how much does it suck to step in a wet spot in your socks? Yeah, it's unless you're wiping up like a spilled milk Or something with your sock You just No Brian that's just you Spilled milk Bullshit

Milk socks Bullshit Sour sock Why won't you just Get a thing and do the right thing Because it's so easy You're standing next to it You just go

Oh man Sour And then you pop David Neal's not gonna suck your toes No you just Then you pop the sock off And throw it in the laundry Treating David Neal

Like he's Santa Claus Talking to your kids? Okay, everyone. Remember. Dave Neal's going to show up in the middle. If you're not good, David Neal's not going to show up and suck your toes.

You're not going to suck your toes. You didn't suck them last year. That's because you were mopping up milk with your socks. I love that. It's like one of those old tales that you tell your kids. Now, Dave Neal's not going to suck your toes if you wipe. It's like just trying to get your kid to use a towel. Right.

Don't use your clothes or like napkins. Do the right thing. Do the right thing. Yeah, but i hate i hate davy neal well what ahmed well we need maybe we need we need to bring him into the mix because it's not fair to just you know davy neal down okay well we get you got sideways nose i'm mad and then david neal just looks like he's full of toes. Would you rather...

He's built of toes. Would you... If you're in the... Let's say you're in the hotel room, would you rather have your toes licked or sucked? It's like deciding what options to get with a blowjob with you. Just the tip or just the tip? Just the tip or no. Just the tip or teeth.

Just the tip or Brian's not doing anything. Mm-hmm I open it. Yeah my toes. Okay, we're gonna get that me. You might tickle me. All right, tickle my fancy You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. I got that other way Back to the dog man at a water annoying on a bed. Just like he's scratching. It's like all this sound so loud. Like when a dog licks themselves and you're just like, it's quiet and like working on your computer. It's just, oh man. But that is just his existence.

He moves a little bit. It's like, hey, just rolls over late. Like taking a nap rolls over. It's like tsunami. I can wait. You're blowing the wet spot on the dog. Dog guy. late, like taking a nap, rolls over and is like, tsunami. Wait. You're blowing the wet spot on the dog. Dog guy.

Dog guy. I prefer dogs over cats. Don't mind a cat, but would prefer a dog. Zachy, you have both, but I think you're a dog guy. Yeah. I mean, I don't feel bad. I only have a preference, per se. I've had more dogs. I've only had one cat.

I've had three dogs. I mean, had one cat. I've had three dogs. I mean, the older I get, the funnier cats are. Just fun to watch. Just looking at them, they're just like, no. Wow, you're a house panther. That's amazing. I know. Tiny little panther in your house.

Jumping on shit, then all of a sudden they come over. I think you're upset because cats figured it out. Yeah. I mean, they just act like grumpy old men. Yeah, they don't kiss their ass. And they get away with it. We just let them get away with it. And you feed them and they're like, I don't want it right now.

Yeah, it's like when an old guy steals something from a store, you're like, what? He's old. What's he going to do with it? But if a young guy does, like a dog, it's just something like, why are you doing that? You can't steal that. Get a job. Get a job. a job buy it Like all of us like all the other water dogs

I don't know if I had to pick I guess I I'm gonna pick a flaming cat. What happens if the dog attacks the cat does he put out the cat catches disappears? Yeah, just like this disintegrates into. And now you have smoke in the house. There's smoke in the house. The fire alarms are going off. And your water dog doesn't know what to do. He's panicking. It's spraying water and then he's like, oh, shit.

I'm going to pick a flaming cat because it seems like more fun than a water dog. Yeah. Like cool tricks, like being at a circus. It's like watching an orb fly around your piano and then down the curtains. If it can set things on fire, that's going to come. We said it can't, though. Did it? Did we?

If it can set things on fire, get the fuck out of my house, Flaming Cat. You just got to have a lot of dogs. A lot of water. Flaming Cat would be fun at parties, for sure. Oh, yeah. But so would a water dog. Yeah. Water dog. I wonder if you could

freeze the water dog put some beers in its fur well if it goes out if you let it outside to go pee and just freezes the shit's in the winter cooler dog it would be weird to pet a dog and it's like your hand just goes in it yeah you're through it and you have to dry your hand off yeah every single time yeah the deeper you go and it likes It's like, I don't know if I like this. This is weird now. It's like... Go in and play with your dog. Put on scuba gear.

Make sure you don't drown. Yeah, he crawls up on your face. Have you ever had a dog sleep on your face? You're suffocating. Yeah! He's drowning you in your sleep. All right, flaming cat for me. Water dog. Water dog. Okay. Yeah! He's drowning you in your sleep. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right, flaming cat for me. Guys?

Water dog. Water dog, okay. I think water dog is the easiest. Okay. I think it's easiest, even though it'd be an inconvenience, but... Yeah. I don't throw enough parties for a flaming cat. I feel like the cats already get a bad enough rap for like...

Being just them? Yeah, and so you add fire to the mix. It's even now, it's like, I have the option to pet the cat. He's not running off, but now I have to go get an oven mitt just to pet him. You know? That's a pain in the ass. I get it. I'm going water dog.

All right. All right, let's move off to what are you thinking about? It's timely and it's fun. Zach? Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Probably a month ago? Safely? Say a month ago. You, me, Zach. We're sitting upstairs in the

open quarters. The shared space. The foyer. Upstairs in the living room before recording, as we very commonly do and just start talking about stuff. Get our brains going. Get the fun going. We did that for an hour the other day. We didn't start recording for an hour.

It was like an hour and a half, hour and 40 minutes. I was trying to give us the benefit of the doubt. I was thinking about this and I tend to think about this topic every couple years. And the reason I do is because every couple years the Olympics happen. Right? That seems to make sense. Very fitting.

So, in the spirit of the Olympic Games, which I have been watching just for funsies, it... Sorry. It's okay. In the announcers, they always remind us over and over again about

that we are watching the pinnacle. The best of the best. The best of the best in this particular sport, and although that statement on its own is not wrong i always think is this really the best or is it only the one dude that kept fencing right is he really the best he's the guy that showed up the best in the world at fencing. You're telling me if you gave LeBron James a fucking week

in fencing gear that he wouldn't destroy you? That'd be terrifying. Yes! Yes it would! I don't know. I don't know. Did, maybe those guys started LARPing when they were younger and it's been in their blood.

Like, their great-great-grandfather was a king? Yeah. Yeah. Of foam? Yeah. He's a foam king. They're a distant relative of... Big rubber.

Well, big steel. They had armor. Not in LARPing. Big fence? Yeah, big fence. LARPing. What do you mean LARPing? LARPing is where they dress up like Renaissance shit.

Yes, but usually they have foam on their shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. They're LARPing. What do you mean LARPing? LARPing is where they dress up like Renaissance shit. Yes, but usually they have foam on their shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Their LARPing is the princess bride. So big foam? Big foam in bed with big rubber. Two different castles, though. No, sure.

I get it. Anybody with whatever talent. It's just like this basic athletic ability. Some people have it and some people don't. And there's a different caliber for a lot of this stuff. And I'm not just trying to pick on fencing. That was just the one that sparked it. This guy was pumped.

I think he's from Italy. His name was Pizza. And he was fencing. And it was entertaining. And I was watching it. I had questions about stuff. And he won. He ripped his mask off and he's just going

to the crowd. I'm like, shut the fuck up. It's Pete Webber. You're fencing. It's Pete Webber. Who do you think you are? I am. You should be happy to say that. But it was fencing. You know what's funny about the fencing too is if you're watching it and

if you don't really know what's going on, you'll see highlights and you don't even see the guy get fencing highlights like you just you you don't even see the guy get poked yeah and then it's like bing and the crowd goes crazy and the guy rips his head off you're like what happened and i get it i get it and i know there's other layers i couldn't just go out there and win a fencing thing you get mopped i understand the skill and all that kind of stuff. But looking at the more sideline sports, and what I mean by that would be like all the shit you played in high school PE. Badminton? That some people just stopped playing. Like all of us.

And then you just kept going. Dodgeball? You have fencing. You have fucking field hockey olympic tetherball yeah like why not let's do it uh yeah field hockey is one where i'm just like put the stick down dude you know what it is it's like we sports remember that yeah and then it's like, 700 games! You'll only play two! And they're like, let's just make all of those

in the Olympics. Mm-hmm. Yep. And what else? I mean, pickleball, is that in there yet? It'll get there. It'll get there.

But badminton, I mean, there's still skill, but just saying that these are the best in the world, it's like, they just, we all grew up. Yeah.

Every other good athlete left to go play a sport that made money that counts that sounds and i always think about that but even applying to one of the big four here in the united states i've had this thought about hockey too i grew up in a hockey town a lot of friends that went off to play big time hockey and I just think about that too because hockey is not accessible to a lot of people

it's expensive as shit a lot of traveling, the pads the time it's not there for everybody the dentist trips they don't have to get them replaced they wait until the end of their career to get the veneers yeah uh and again example let's put lebron james in hockey gear yes

is everyone else still pretty good no or did he just play a sport that was going to make way more money and decide to dominate it. But if he was like, dude, I fucking love hockey. I don't know if everyone else would be, I don't know if he would just be like average. No,

it's fucking LeBron James. And he's huge. Shaq, Shaq and hockey gear. Takes two little skates to get down to the other side of the ring. Shaq probably done that though. He had that whole thing with Shaq versus. He probably...

And you didn't grow up doing it. I get all that stuff, and everyone, the path of life, it's more just like a thought, like a brain experiment. I understand all this. People have said the same thing about LeBron in football. Yeah. He broke all the state records and then he was like, I don't play basketball. But would he be successful

in the NFL? Well, you don't get the football every play unless he was quarterback. Yeah. So... But people always said, put him in in tight end or whatever. Yeah, but he's not playing tight end. Yeah, that'd be a waste. It'd be a waste to LeBron James. Yeah.

Unless you're Gronk, like you treat him like Gronk. Still a waste. Yeah. So many more people know who LeBron James is than Gronk. And the only reason people know who Gronk is is because Brady threw it to them. So basketball is that sport where every single time you're going to get notice, and that's where you can highlight it or highlight yourself and make a ton of money. But, yeah, I thought about that.

Then it went down to these – it was like hockey. And then that's why basketball. That's why soccer because the sports that need nothing. Those are the ones where you really are looking at the best of the best. Well, that's why soccer is so big. Right. Like third world countries and stuff. All you need is a ball and then markers for a goal.

So I think with soccer, you really are getting the best of the best. With basketball, it's everywhere. Every playground. You need a ball and a thing. And they's everywhere. Every playground. You need a ball and a thing, and they're everywhere. So we're closer to actually seeing the best of the best with the sports that require less gear. Yeah, how many people in Kenya are, I'm just throwing Kenya out as an example, are fencing? None.

Because it's dumb. They're running marathons. They're destroying marathons is what they're doing they're not fencing because they're running away from fencing camps yeah like they're just trying to get as far away from they're like you can fence fuck you so they're just like they want to get as far away from that shit as possible how many countries are actually leaving a lot of dork yeah nerd well who i mean who knows but i? But I did look into it a little bit. And if I remember right,

in the world, ages zero to six million, there's less than half a million people fencing. Pool is pretty small. So eight billion people. That seems high still. It did, right? Yeah. So that's zero.

They're just doing it. They're not good. Yeah, that's like a dad making a two-year-old go to a fencing camp. They've heard of a sword before. Yeah, and they poke something once. You know, fencing. I cut cheese. I think they should put the old gladiator-style fighting back. Like, let's go back and get rid of the little needle that they're fighting with and all the padding.

It's like, let's just get two guys and fucking swords. Fight to the death. That's gold medal. With a lion? Yeah, throw them in there. Imagine how popular jousting would be today. Oh, dude. Jousting?

Mm-hmm. I'd go to a jousting event. You kidding me? Well, you can. Oh, dude. Jousting. I'd go to a jousting event. Are you kidding me? Well, you can. They have the medieval games. I was going to say. You eat a little turkey leg.

A fucking turkey leg? Yeah, a giant turkey leg. Boom! With gravy. Kill him! Kill him, you son of a bitch! Take the padding off! Have you guys ever... Spitting turkey and gravy on the family in front of you?

Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I haven't. No, but I want to. Have you been? Yeah, it's so awesome. Is it good? You eat with your hands and you watch animals poop while you're chewing on a steak. That's hot.

Chicken bone. No joke. One of the guys from Medieval Games reached out to me and he was like, he wants, he's invited me to a thing like he's like bring your whole family for free everything what happened I don't remember I just I completely forgot about it until we started talking about it you should go I know he's like I'll hook you guys up how long ago was this exchange couple years ago I don't know I have to go back through some

messages I don't remember when when it have to go back through some messages. I don't remember when it was. How fast did they go through employees at Medieval Times? Yeah, maybe he moved on to something else.

He just got hired and he was really trying to expand the market. Yeah, he's on a web out there. He's lost his motivation since then. Yeah.

Can you get a new job? Like, here's what we need to do to really, really, really grow this thing. If I could, if I find that message, I reach back out. Hey, is that offer still on the table? He died years ago. Yeah.

He probably took a T-bone. Took a joust to the chest. Or like a turkey bone to the neck. Turkey to the neck. Somebody was ripping it and it flung out and hit him in the aorta. Take the padding off! His family's like, Jesus Christ. It is kind of funny, though.

They're wearing their bibs on the back of their head. Your fantasy of being like a king, sitting there at the big table on the platter. Take his head! Finish him! Finish him! Huge fart. Kill him! Huge fart. Kill him!

You know how movies portray things like that? I wonder how accurate any of that stuff is. What if they show the king how he is, but in real life it was just this disgusting... We're all humans. But even worse back then. Like hygiene Yes Like they walk out on their little balcony We will

Prevail today Over everything And everyone's like He's like Ha And he walks back He's like fucking Hillman's hot Yeah

Jesus Christ Throws it on the ground Fucking Rub some cream on A rashy ass on his taint. That's your king. Because everyone's the same person. Some slave woman walks over and he's like. He messes up some word.

Like all the time. Just do the same thing. Yeah. All the same thing. But they show him as such like this prestigious. Yeah. Over the top. All put together.

Like they've got their shit figured out. But that's not the case at all. Just smell. Just terrible smell. Weird corks. Pisses on his feet in the shower. Stomps his poop down the drain. That's your king. That's what your king's doing when he's not

ruling out! That's what he's doing. Alright, let's move on to some dick. He's licking toes. He's licking toes just like the rest of them. I love licking toes as much as an ex-king. But God, these toes. Let's wade our way through some dick.

Okay. Zach, thanks. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick dick. There's not much to really say about this article. But here we go. You ready? Car hits divider as drunk youths perform threesome with woman inside speeding vehicle in presence of four kids in UP's Kanpur.

Kanpur. That's right. Did you guys have that same reaction that I did? Like, is this a talent show? It's a lot of different things happening. Is this a talent show? It's a lot of different things happening Is this a talent show? I mean you got an audience You got four kids

Audience And you got a fucking speeding vehicle With a couple naked dudes fucking the lady driving Dude that's a recipe for A good time That's a Friday night in Spokane Beautiful Downtown How are you going to read that? In a shocking incident Yeah, that's a Friday night in Spokane if I'm ever fucking beautiful beautiful

downtown How are you gonna read that in a shocking incident? An accident occurred after occurred after a speeding car collide with the divider We already said that don't when the locals ran towards the car to check and help the accident victims They were stunned to find that there were two boys naked and a woman in a semi-naked state Which state is that iowa my fucking oh yeah you get it with four children on board the vehicle the accident occurred while they were performing threesome sex that's someone who's never had threesome they were had sex on her what's what's the what's never had threesome. They never had sex on her.

What's the guy that catches the predators? Oh, Chris Hansen. Yeah, Chris Hansen. It says here. Hello. It says here, you were looking to rub my nipples during threesome sex. Imagine him showing up in that car he walks in with his notepad. Hello.

Hello. What's going on here? Hello, don't run. I was just wondering, can we get the children out of here first? I didn't say that. Well, I have the text exchange right here. It says rub my nipples while having threesome sex. Is that you,

Mr. Nipples? 312? Senior Nipples? I have your AOL account here. Rub my nipples 302 Is that you? Threesome sex Help! Help!

Threesome sex inside the speeding car Threesome sex There are also reports that the boys Who were found naked Were under the influence of alcohol Oh my god What? What the fuck is happening?

I never would have guessed they were drunk. Yeah. What? This happened back on Saturday, July 27th. I never guessed the kids would have been drunk. I know. No one cares. The girl was reportedly having sex with the boys.

Both boys simultaneously threesome sex inside the speeding car in front of the boys. Both boys simultaneously threesome sex. Inside the speeding car. In front of the children! Threesomes are hard enough. Put a couple car seats and some kids in the fucking way. Excuse me. Excuse me, child.

Will you scoot over? There's a hole I need to occupy while I rub my nipples. This is only twosome sex. We're trying threesome sex. Twosome sex because you are in the way. Please move. There's a cavern to fill.

The locals also found bottles of alcohol and other objectionable materials. injectionable so oh not objectionable injection i object that's weird probably uh that's what i'm saying the woman and the children suffered injuries in the accident and were sent to the hospital for treatment and then here's a post if you can read that for me that'd be be great. Looks like wingdings. Doesn't it? Imagine handwriting that. No. I have a hard time. That's a straight line.

What's the number four doing in there? And up. It just says up. Up wingdings four. Well, four kids. Oh, that's probably what it was. What? Okay.

Should I keep going? The police arrived at the spot upon receiving information about the incident. I think you should throw that into Translate. I'm guessing it's saying the same thing. Okay. You can do it. Do it. Okay. But it's probably... Good luck. Threesome sex. Threesome sex. Rub my nipples.

Anyway, so the police arrived at the spot upon receiving information about the incident and took both the boys into their custody and sent the woman and her four kids to the nearby hospital for treatment. How? Okay, there's a video. It doesn't show none of the fun stuff. I can't come to this.

The car, it's a sedan. I'm trying to picture how the two naked boys got arrested and then everyone else got hurt. It's only so many things. Where are the kids? Are you in the trunk? Probably on the roof. Strapped down on the roof. Why did they get hurt?

And the naked boys are fine. Naked boys. I, the way that when you were reading reading that The way that I pictured it was They got into the accident And they were like Waiting for help And they're like Better take my clothes off

While we're waiting Just pop a threesome Might as well Might as well fuck Yeah You know what the Smash hood reminds me of My fucking dick in your butt

Yeah Smashing your butt With my dick Dick You know what I mean But my kids are here yeah fuck i can uh it can also be seen in the video that the driver gets down from the car and engages in an argument with the local so one of the boys just starts screaming at people drunk you don't

know yeah i don't know what you're talking about. You weren't there. You're dumb. But they wouldn't let him go because they realized shit was a little serious. The police took the accused into the custody, the threesome sex, and sent them for a medical examination. The writer gave up. Yeah. At this point, he's just spelling stuff. He's like, I don't know. And charged them for disturbing the up. Yeah. At this point, he's just spelling stuff. He's like, I don't know.

And charged them for disturbing the peace. Okay. They were fined and then reportedly allowed to go. Disturbing the penis, maybe. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The woman was handed over to her family after being discharged from the hospital. After being destroyed by multiple pen multiple peni but anyway i just

what that's crazy there's too much yeah too much i still don't know i'm not sure what to think or what happened that's what the headline should have said i don't know i'm still not sure and then the article threesome sex. Fro medical porped. Because he gave up. All right. On to your story. What you got here, buddy? Well, just real quick.

So, yeah. It basically just translates to... So, more car stuff. Whoa. Is this a car? This is wild. I can't wait. We got cars, cannibalism.

What's next? And bears. Oh, my. Oh, my. Okay. Wasco, California. That's a great spot. K-P-A-K Fox 58.

The man who was struck and killed by a train in Wasco back in late March, whose leg was allegedly eaten by a man, has been identified by the Kern County's coroner's office. Wow. Good job, Kern County coroner's office. Yeah. We got him. We got him.

Way to go. We got him. He's like, I think we got an identification. And then the coroner's like, you going to mention me in the news article? Of course we are. Great work, Kern County. Not your name, just the office. Just where you work.

Just the coroner. That's all I your name, just the office. Just where you work. That's all I need. I just got hired. Trying to make a good first impression. My boss is a dick. He doesn't think I know what I'm doing. The corner said, just John the Corner. At least give him a name.

John the Corner sounds like a children's cartoon. Yeah, it does. Let's go find another dead body. Come on. Booty, booty, booty. This one's eating a leg. Do you know where your leg is? It's like a little clippy. Do you know where your leg is? Good.

It's connected to the ankle bone. That reminds me of a song. Not anymore, though. Never eat a leg after it's hit by a train. Do you know where your mouth is? Good. That's where he'd put his leg.

Let's head back to the Kern County's coroner's office. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep. Wow, we had a busy day. Let's go back through all the things we found. Do you remember this one? It was a briefcase with a body in it.

Remember the leg train? And you did a great job identifying your mouth. Three stars. John the Corner! That's me! That show's running for 18 seasons. There's a lot of bodies to be found. Oh my god.

Detective Willis needs us to go down the lake. Wonder what we'll find. Another bloated body. It floats. And you can jump on it. Will it float? Count how many times I jump on this dead body.

One boing. Two boings. That was five jumps. Way to go. Let's recap all the things we did today. Nickelodeon. Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.

Ow. That hurt my head. Oh, God. Good stuff. Anyway, what were you saying? Hold on. Oh, my gut hurts. We all need cigarettes now. Oh, yeah. Dude, what were you saying? Hold on. Oh, my gut hurts. We all need cigarettes now. Oh, yeah.

Oh, dude, I'm crying laughing. That, uh, I just, you know when that, like, the Mickey Mouse, when they're like, uh, Mickey Mouse, they're like, what color is this? And then it's like, wait, hold on, go quiet. What color is this? That's right. Blue. Exactly. Yeah, like the same thing. What color is this? That's right! Blue! Exactly.

Yeah, like the... Oh my God, my kids watch that shit. Do you remember what color the dead guy's socks were? Green! That's right! Green! Green! But we didn't take his shoes because that's the right thing to do.

Do's. I made a rhyme. I made a rhyme. Do you know what a rhyme is? John the Corner. Good stuff. Oh, my God. That might be the funniest thing I've ever heard.

No joke. Catch the breath now. Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Hold on. Let me catch my breath there. Okay.

The coroner said around 8 a.m., March 22nd, Horacio Ayala Penalosa, 48, of Huesco. What? You can't say it. I know. I know. What? Look at this little Huesco. Horacio.

Was struck by the train in the 700 block of G Street. Oh, that's right. Yeah, right down there. He died at the scene. Yeah, it was a train. A 27-year-old man who removed Ayala Penalosa's leg from the scene was seen by witnesses shortly after waving around his leg and allegedly eating it According to the viewer video, so he's doing well Who walks by a fucking smash guy on a train track and he's like free leg

Wow free legs my luck's really turning around He's like boom he's like waving it to people look what what I got, guys. Hey, guys, dead body! Yeah. People are driving by. Come and get it! People are driving by. He's like, eating a leg.

Oh my God, dude. He wins most likely to eat a dead guy's leg in the high school yearbook. Yeah, in the annual. What are they called? Superlative?

That's cool. Resendo Tellez was sentenced to... Wait. Yep, that's the guy. What happened to the Ayala Penalosa? Oh, he's dead. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Yep.

You're never going to hear his name again. Okay. Resendo Tellez was sentenced to a year in jail in early May. Tellez also faced charges of bringing drugs into jail. They're inside the leg? He refused to let it go? Can't he get a cavity search and they pull out a fucking leg? Full of drugs?

Like a pinata? Sir, where'd you get this leg? I'll give you one guess. You're gonna need none. Was this the train guy's leg? Yeah. How'd the drugs get in it? They're already there. That's the only reason I took it

It's full of drugs I love that they're already there Yeah No they're already there What do you want? All legs are full of drugs If you try hard enough That's true

Anyway Do you want food today? An autopsy revealed That Ayala Penolosa Cause of death Was multiple blunt force injuries And the manner of death Was an accident

Oh jeez End of article. So, I thought maybe it was in a different site that he, oh, shoot, there was a, he was charged with, oh, he was charged with like, it's like removal of a body part. Like crime scene thing? Disturbing thing? Yeah, it's like removal of a body part. Like crime scene thing? Disturbing thing? Yeah, it's like it's... Cannibalism? No, it was like removal of a body part, I think was the technical term.

That was the train's fault. That in itself is illegal. Like just removing the body part from the person. From the thing? Uh-huh. Wow. Because you read that charge and I just picture the train going to jail. Yeah.

It's like, hey, this is on you, buddy. It's Thomas the Choo. It's got little googly eyes on it. Never meant to hurt no one. What does Thomas sound like? It's been so long. Hi. No, I can't be right.

That's Mickey. Oh, boy. Mickey again. Oh, boy. Mickey the Choo Choo Engine? Yeah, Thomas the Train. One of the episodes they run over a body. Squeak! yeah thomas the train one of the episodes they run over a body squeak and it stops he goes whoops we have a choice do we go back and take responsibility for the accident whether it goes quiet

yeah yeah we should go back it's the right thing to do. Becomes the trolley question for kids. Right, right. You kill these four, these two. Exactly. Oh, that's fucking... Push the B button on your controller if you want to fucking run for it. You want to make a run for it.

You'll never know. Okay, let's go. Choo, choo. Chugga, chugga, chugga-chugga-chugga. And Percy. Mr. Mayor. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Mayor's going to be late.

Sounds like a good choice to run from the scene. Hope we can get up this hill. Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo. I think I can. Oh, yeah, that's right. That was Thomas, right? No. I think I can.

Oh, no, it was a little boat. A little train that could. A little train. A little engine that could. A little train. A little engine that could. A little boat. A little boat that couldn't. A little tugboat. A little boat that couldn't make it up the hill.

Of course it couldn't. It's a fucking boat. I mean, well. It just turns out it's motor. It just sits there. Hey, there is a boat around here that drives on a road I know have you guys seen the jet ski guy

he has a jet ski motorcycle but it's a jet ski he's got a whole following he drives around and people have cameras but I've seen him a couple times

fucking love it hell yeah bro that's his thing he's like Thursday night what are we doing I know what we're doing would be cool

have you seen my jet ski motorcycle cause that's what we're doing that's what we're doing would be cool have you seen my jet ski motorcycle because that's what we're doing every every night every friday night especially yeah um anyway so that was pretty crazy yeah that is crazy he gets he's like fuck i got a year in jail which just seems pretty good for eating a leg and waving it around yeah seems light yeah probably a better meal he'll get some some better meals too and hopefully the help he needs to not eat legs. He's got to be on drugs, right? Yeah, I just had enough.

I mean, just breaking point. Out there. Leg. Would you grab it? It was there. Would you grab the leg? No.

Come on. How many... Well, I mean... How many paychecks were you from grabbing a dead guy's leg? I mean, why did he choose the leg? Because it's probably convenient. Maybe it was already pretty loose, so it came off pretty easy. Yeah, it was just in his way, yeah. He didn't step over it. Yeah, he was like, is that a log?

That's a fucking leg. It's a leg, it's a log. You can't just let a leg lay there. No. Gotta get a leg up. Well, people are probably having to step over it, so he's like, I'm gonna fix that problem. He's like, well, I can't. Can't just leave it there.

He's showing everybody. Got it, guys. Guys. You can push your strollers through here now. Yeah, you won't trip on the leg. I got it. How's it taste? Ah!

I don't know. Let's find out. Let's find out. He's just being goofy, and the cop's like, what? So are you eating that leg? Sure. I don't have a... What's the code number for guy eating leg? We got a WD-40 going on over here.

Yeah, that's probably it. All right, let's hear a Petty Beef. Okay. All right. Whenever you're ready, honey. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real.

The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right. Yes, your honor. Are you ready for this? Silence in the courtroom. The judge just sits down. But he can do that. Yeah, and he does nothing. And everybody would respect it.

You have to because you're like... It's the law. Why do you have to respect the judge so much? I don't know. They make you stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight. Yeah. I just don't. It's like, what? Because you're wearing a robe? Respect of the robe.

I went, I looked at more books than you. Stand! I thought that was always goofy, too. Did you know you don't have to be a lawyer or have a law degree to be a judge? You can just be a judge. What? Yeah. Do you have to be elected, though, to be a judge? Well, to be a judge. What? Yeah. Do you have to be elected, though, to be a judge?

To be a justice. Appointed. Appointed, yeah. But nobody's elected. Just bottom, bottom row, small town stuff. Somebody just makes somewhat good decisions as the guy. Well, Jeff, he's always

making pretty good decisions. I don't know. Jeff won 45 bucks on that scratch-off. That's pretty cool. He's won the watermelon seed spitting contest every year. Yeah, he's five times running. He knows what he's talking about. I don't know much about this murder thing, but if you put the seed just right,

you have to... And they're just like, what? He's just spitting watermelon seeds at everyone? Order in the court! Yeah. He's like popping people in the face. So your honor, if you'll divert your eyes to F... Because he's hitting the face with a fucking watermelon seed?

No, it's... This is how you know if an objection is sustained or overruled. You have to have a little line. He's like... Go to the water line. He says something. The guy stands up. He's like, objection, your honor.

He's like... That's how he does guilty or not guilty? Yeah. Please stand. He just has the two of them walk up to a watermelon spitting line. He just goes... And it lands in the green. You're not guilty?

He's like, that's funny. All right, back to the petty beef. And they get the picture, they get their own sentencing too. It's like five years, 10 years,

15, on and on and on and on. They get their picture on the wall. Like a fucking Buffalo Wild Wings. For completing some challenge. Got away with killing your wife and four kids

because you spit a seed into the green. And the judge is just like, everyone's smiling. It's all behind the judge of all the people that have spit a seed. All right, so what's going on with our Petty Picture? Hey, guys. Hello.

For Petty Beef Court, I bring to you this case. Bringeth. Oh, wait. Can you start the music back over? Oh, yeah. One second. Here we go. Listening. Oh, didn't work. this case. Bringeth. Oh wait, can you start the music back over? Oh yeah, one second, here we go. Listening. Oh, didn't work. One second. There it is.

Hey guys. Sounds weird. For Petty Beef Court, I bring to you this case. My boyfriend has a problem with how I eat cherry tomatoes, but I see no problem with it. Okay. I bite what he calls the butt. The butt. Smaller... Threesome sex! Smaller part on the other side of with it. Okay. I bite what he calls the butt. The butt. Smaller...

Threesome sex! Smaller part on the other side of where it's picked. Okay, I can see it. I see it. Uh, she... What? She, uh, off and suck, she, well, she put it in parentheses, so she bites that off. The butt! And

sucks the seeds out before popping the rest in, and he cringes every time is he wrong for the judgment or am i the weirdo thanks for settling this krista i was with you with just i mean just eating the butt i mean we have a t-shirt about grow up fucking know what i mean yeah but sucking the seeds out that's hard to get behind i've never eaten a tomato as a as a whole thing so i i can't even really picture that process tomato oh the cherry tomato i've never just eaten a whole tomato like a giant tomato that's what i pictured like an apple to show up to a softball game yeah let's go timmy that would be weirdo dude who's i mean but also should that be that weird

no i like tomatoes no it's like is that's what you want to eat great better than eating something not not that like a unhealthy onion that'd be well i mean whatever like whatever people like to do fuck it okay, then this case is settled. They're eating vegetables or fruits. You're like, I don't know, do whatever people want to do. Here, come over here and spit this seed. So we're good here, right? We're all settled up, right?

Case closed? Something. Case adjourned? But sucking the seeds out is a little weird. That is a weird move. Like, It's kind of fun. Do you you suck a seat out i've never eaten a cherry tomato ever no i don't you already say that i don't eat tomatoes oh i'll have a

tomato like on the same like cut sliced on a burger or sandwich or something fuck yeah you will um which is that like a garden salad with a cherry tomato in it? No. Picks them off. What? I don't eat salad. What am I a fucking bird? That's an ongoing joke with Cassie. I don't even know what you're doing. I think we're actually sitting at a baseball game or something.

She was grabbing some trail mix out or whatever. And it was just nothing but nuts and nothing else. She's going, what am I, i a fucking bird i laughed so hard now you could just buy a bag of nuts what am i a fucking bird i okay well salad because it's good for you Oh, that's why you should have had one by 40. Yeah, well, I mean, I've had plenty of salads. I just don't put tomatoes on it. Yeah. See, I'm not a big tomato guy myself.

But, I mean, there's a time and a place for a cherry tomato. It's usually in a salad. Yeah! Zach? Brian's looking at me. Well, Brian's looking at me weird. Chime in with tomatoes. What's the petty...

What are we talking about here? Whether a tomato's good? I was just wondering if you've ever had a fucking cherry tomato. No, I haven't. Jeez. I have, but I'm not a fan. Never tried. I mean, you've tried.

Yeah. Zach has tried. He's a fucking commie. Not a fan of either of the things. Because they're red. Yeah. Okay. Checks out.

He's like, well, it's red. It's got to be good. Yeah. I mean, not my favorite thing But taking a little bite off the back And sucking on it What's another thing that you like Would you suck a seed out of it Nibble on the butt and then go Trying to think of something similar

Yeah exactly sucking a kiwi seed out I mean it could be one of those things That's kind of fun to do It's a neat trick Sure you could just Yeah, exactly. Sucking a kiwi seed out. I mean, it could be one of those things that's kind of fun to do. It's like it's instead of just. It's a neat trick. Like, sure, you could just throw the whole thing in your mouth and be done with it. But maybe you're, you know, you're hanging out and doing something. You just want to.

Suck a seed. You know, like, have you ever eaten a piece of celery and you're like biting the little, like, kind of like a string cheese, but you do. Peeling it? Yeah, like with your teeth, you just bite it in little strips. Because, you know, like you could just eat the celery, but it's kind of fun to just kind of... Yeah, play with it. So maybe that's what she's doing.

Show you something you can suck a seed out of. Maybe he's pissed because she's like, oh, you'll suck seeds out of a cherry tomato, but you won't suck the seed out of my dick. You ever suck the seed out of a pine cone? I think that's what the real petty beef is. That's a new pickup line for a bar. What? You see me suck a seed out of a pine cone? I think that's what the real petty beef is. That's a new pickup line for a bar. What? You see me suck the seed out of a pine cone? Yeah, you ever suck the seed out of a pine cone?

What? What are you drinking? He says what to himself. Yeah, what, what? Sorry, what are you drinking? What did you just say? I asked you what you were drinking. No, before that.

Pretty sure I didn't say anything. Pretty sure I didn't say anything Especially about a pine cone What? What? So you guys are bud light or what? Anyway You ever seen the show? John the Corner? He was sucking seeds out of tomatoes

Last week So funny One seed. Two seeds. How many seeds was that? That's right. This dead guy had five cherry tomatoes in his pocket. And I sucked all the seeds.

Can you say seed? Good job. Boo. Can you say seed? Good job! Let's go over all the seeds we sucked today. Do you remember the peach? Down by the harbor? He's just always in the shadiest spots. Do you remember the mango at the brothel?

Underneath the bridge and shit. It was weird. It was inside of her boobs. But I still suck those seeds. Remember, kids. Any job worth doing is worth doing well. The hardest seeds to suck are the hardest to find. How many hookers were under the bed? One.

Just half a hooker. One and a half. Where's the other half? Maybe there's a plum in it. It's in the bath. I made another rhyme. That's two rhymes today. Wow.

Let's go to the bathroom and see if there's any plums in the other half of the hooker. Whoa, there is. One, two, 36 plums inside the hooker half. Whoa, lucky day! What? That's a reminder! There's a farmer's market today! Would you join me to sell plums

from the hooker at the farmer's market? You killed Brian. No, Brian's just on the floor.rian's just on the floor brian just on the floor anyway i think that you shouldn't suck seeds out of cherry tomatoes but that is weird so you are to me you're weird but you're not wrong you do you krista okay again i think that's not the real petty beef i think the real petty beef is that the guy wishes she was sucking the seed out of him i think that's it i think that's not the real petty beef. I think the real petty beef is that the guy wishes she was sucking the seed out of him. I think that's it.

I think that's what it is. He's jealous. So he's sitting on the couch while she's doing that. And he's like half stiffy, just like watching like, man, I'd like she'd do that to me. You're too tired for this, but you'll do that. Okay. Could be. Yeah.

You'll take down how many seeds. Or spit out take down how many cherry tomatoes. Spit out how many seed. Meanwhile, I have this. Seed. This problem. I'm here with this cherry tomato. I think that's the real issue. Okay. I think you do your thing, but maybe

toss him a bone once and then see how he reacts the next time you do that. He's going to love you sucking them things. Hack to her! Every time she sucks a tomato, she's got to do that. So that he's now every time, he's going to be full bone

every time he sees a cherry tomato. This episode is all over the place, but here we go. That is a good solution, though. Every time you suck a cherry tomato, David Neal loots a toe. Yeah, and an angel gets its wings. And David Neal gets a toe. Pav loves cherry tomato.

That's what I was thinking. He sees a cherry tomato. He's like, oh, fuck. Wow. I am trained. Good news now? Sure. I think we decided.

To me, Krista, you're weird. But also, that's you. So keep sucking them seeds, babe. Alright, let's roll it! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! Look at the fucking picture of this dog.

Man, it's hard to not love that thing. Look at that, droopy ears. I'd love it a little more if it was made of water. If the dog was made of water, it'd be a Basset Hound. Yeah. Is that a Basset Hound? It's some sort of a hound. It says Basset Hound.

It looks like a Basset Hound. Yeah, it's a Basset. All right. Okay. Hero abandoned dog saves 38 other animals and then is adopted herself. Just make your own dreams come true. I know. What's this motherfucker's name? It's a she. Uh, it's, what's it, what? They are, uh,

I don't know they's name. They might, they might tell us. Go ahead. Them's name? Mm-hmm. How do you say that? I don't know them's name. There! There, oh shoot, yeah. Fuck. Uh, Remarkable Tale of animal heroism Hero It's so dumb It's why do we change the sound of the word heroism When we say hero Oh I'm a hero Unfolded when a 10 year old basset hound

Ran away from her neglected home And saved tens of other animals The dog It's a big feat But when they say tens of other... You're like, just tell me the number. Tens of dollars. Tens of dollars. The dog, now aptly named Hero,

or Harrow, escaped wearing an ID tag that led the animal control officers to a house with 38 animals in dire need of rescue. Wait. Hero sparked a rescue effort that saved 36 dogs, a chicken,

and a cat from a life of neglect and suffering. The shelter staff recognized the dog's incredible bravery when naming her. We've given her the name that's worthy of her and her last name of Salvare, which means to save and protect,

said shelter staff of Human Society of Concord in Greater Cabarrus County in North Carolina, USA. Judy Sims, the executive director of the Humane Society of Concord, Did they make you read the whole thing again? Jesus Christ. Described a terrible state that some of the animals came into the shelter in. Some were in small cages. The chicken.

Some sleeping on feces in beds. Some had injuries. Several were emaciated. They were filthy. Most had medical issues. That is sad. The Humane Society took in 15 of the dogs themselves, including Harrow, with several other

animal rescues taking in others. Members of the community pitched in to help cover medical and other expenses for the rescued animals. Despite Harrow's sad backstory, she proved that dogs are resilient creatures that only show love that is unconditional, the shelter wrote.

Way to go! Look at that little face. Look at it! Who's a good girl? Ew. Basset hounds are fun. Mm-hmm. They're cuties. How cool is that?

It's pretty cool. He's like, fuck it, I'm getting him out of here. Yeah. Or she is like, fuck it. That's going to be

an animated movie. Ryan. What? You said, fuck it, I'm getting him out of here. And you went, she,

I, is this, she and he is combined in I'm. Like earlier when I said I was like What's the name What's the name of this bitch

Or whatever I said And you're like It's a she Yeah I thought I said he's But I didn't know I said I'm I don't know what I'm I blocked out

You said I'm I'm still thinking about I'm getting him out here John the corner Or she I just It's like something from the office It's like something

The boss would say. I'm getting him out of here. Or she. I mean, I'm sitting there. You're throwing me off. I'm trying to fall. I know. Good job, Hero.

You guys ready for a fun game? Good job, Hero. Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple.

Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! This is a game. You guys know how much I love games and the Game Show Network. I'm not happy with Game Show Network. I'm not happy with Game Show Network's programming right now because they have too much Wheel of Fortune.

Not a big fan of America's Game. Not a big fan. Yeah, you should be watching Game Show Network for fringe games. Yeah, well they got Press Your Luck and Split Second, America Says. No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies. Oh shit! Fucking wh no whammies, no whammies.

Oh, shit! Fucking whammy! You don't have any money. Sorry, you didn't know I do a good whammy. But they started throwing fucking Wheel of Fortune there. Just put it over on CBS. I don't need it here. It's on NBC.

Is it? Yeah. Right after, or before. The other Wheel of Fortune? No. God, they stack them up. If it was one episode, they start stacking. Anyway, so Family Feud one of them. Love a good Family Feud episode. Did you guys know there's a game

called Google Feud? I didn't. Of course you didn't. Let's play a little bit. It's Google Feud dot com. Dot com. Go ahead and bring up my screen here, Zaki Poo. What do you guys want to pick? We got culture.

So here's the premise before you guys, we pick a topic, is you have to guess what people are searching for. They give you a little bit like how many blanks fit in a, and you have to guess what the rest of it is. So it lays it out like that. So we have- Let's do animals. Okay. It's very animals. Do fish ever

Oh, and you're supposed to guess what the top search is? All of them. You get points the further down it goes. So do fish ever walk? Do fish ever walk? Let's see what we got. Nope. That's one X? Do fish ever walk? Let's see what we got. Nope.

That's one X. Do fish... Wait, hold on. Fly. Do fish ever fly? Okay. Two. That's two Xs.

Shit. And you get four of them. Do fish ever... Sleep? Sleep. That's number one. We'll find out. Yep.

There we go. 9,000 points for that guy. Lather butter on themselves. I don't know if that's going to be up there. Do fish ever fight? And you can see the spaces. So some are eat. Eat?

If someone's searching for... Oh, come on! If someone's searching for that... Do fish ever fish? Get married? Do fish ever what? Think married? Do fish ever what? Think about it. Oh, sorry. Fuck.

I kicked my foot down here. Oh my God. Keep it together. Keep it together. Do fish ever mate? Of course they mate. Bonk. Oh, come on.

Four X's, so now don't fill it out. Stop swimming? Get thirsty. Get bored? Get thirsty joke? Okay, good luck guessing that one. Stop growing. Explore space. Fart. Close their eyes. Fart. Get thirsty joke. Okay, good luck guessing that one. Stop growing. Explore space.

Fart. Close their eyes. Fart's a good one. Okay, let's go back and we'll do it again. Now I get the concept. Oh, I can't go back. Just refresh it. What's this?

An ad? Get out of here. Fucking ass. I know, but I don't want to do animals again. Yeah, let's do... Entertainment. Culture. Food. Whatever. Entertainment. Entertainment. I know but I don't want to do I don't want to do animals again Yeah let's do Entertainment Culture Food

Whatever Entertainment Entertainment Is Luke Oh you guys Is Luke Skywalker a Bitch Huh?

Sorry Jedi Jedi Master Okay That's in there Got it 7000 points Sith

Kami Sith Yeah Kami How do you spell Sith? S-I-T-H. Oh. Sounded out.

Is Luke Skywalker a little bitch? Piece of shit? A boy? Nope. Not going to guess that. But you get the game. Yeah. And you get four X's, and it is a pretty silly one.

I did not know that. Twin. A twin. Okay. Nerds. Oh, come that. Twin. A twin. Okay. Nerds. Oh, come on. That has to be in there. Farm boy. Is Luke Skywalker a farm boy?

He was a farm boy. I'm doing it. He farmed water. Yeah, well, farm boy. I mean, farmer. Yeah. That might. I mean, we can do that one nope that's three X's anyway this is not riveting for the podcast listeners

but head on over to Google Feud we gotta see it though we gotta see what all this is okay what do you guys want me to guess is he a fireman

I don't know if I'm trusting Zach or not is Luke Skywalker a... What are people doing? What are they searching? Yeah. You got to guess it. Come on.

Senator? Traitor? Human? Human? There you go. Let's find out. Human's on there. Number three.

Yeah, 8,000. Now we're stuck going still. Fuck. Is he a traitor? Is he a something? Is he a bad guy? Is he a something? Is he a bad guy? Is he a nerf herder? Good guy.

Is Luke Skywalker a Darth Vader? A Darth? A Darth? Yeah. Can I put Darth in? Do it. So you guys can see the end and we can move on? Okay.

Four X's. A Jedi. Prince. A Jedi. Oh, Jesus Christ. A Grey Jedi. A Virgin. A superhero.

A good guy. That's what I said. I said good guy. A Mary Sue. A Mary Sue A superhero. A good guy. That's what I said. I said good guy. A Mary Sue. A Mary Sue. I don't even know what that is. So anyway, there it is. That's pretty cool.

I like that. It is a fun one. You pick whatever category. So if you're looking for... Sweet God. If you're looking for some entertainment at work. Can you go back to that real quick? Are there other choices other than the ones on there?

Can you make your own? So, like, go back to the... Choose your own adventure? Yeah, so, like... Well, there's question of the day, and then I'm feeling lucky, which I'm guessing would pick one of these. But I don't know. The question of the day, I hate my parents. Right, so we're not going to keep playing.

But yeah, I hate myself, I hate my parents. I hate my job. My country. My dick. Or whatever. You get it. Generation. Mm-hmm. Google Feud. Go check it out.

Let's hear from the kids. That's fun. Kid is fun. Hey, you guys. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow. That's cool. All right. Do you want to read the first one? Sure. Okay. Okay, our first email is coming from our son Poiter. Poiter? He says, you can call me Poiter. Then that's what we'll do. That's what we're

going to do, man. I'll tell you what. Listening to your July 10th episode with the guy that got his Game Boy signed by Spice Girls. Here's something else weird I got signed. When I was just out of high school, when I was... Fuck.

When I was just out of high school, I said it right. I know. A band I really liked... There's no comma! It's okay. A band I really liked at the time was Touring. Not a known band like Spice Girls, but they were touring with Hot Hot Heat. Hot! Waiting for the concert to start, I see a punk-looking guy outside the bar.

I was pretty sure it was the lead singer, so I walked up to him and asked if he was and started a conversation. Not expecting to get anything signed that day, I didn't know what he could sign of mine. Without really thinking, I said, can you sign my pants? Nice. I got a signature on my right pants pocket. Super random and pretty weird. It was awkward. The concert was in Whistler, BC, British Columbia for the folks that don't.

Beautiful. That don't BC. That don't. Very good. Most concerts back then were small bars and you always got to meet the band members I remember those days

later that night after the band opened for hot hot heat they were mingling around I ended up meeting the singer again and got my hat signed then he grabbed

the other members and they also signed my hat a little less weird but weird what I do I guess I don't know if this will make the show

just thought I'd share it with you at least. And Joey. Joey and Blyan. Your unwanted ginger goose puts. Poots? Poots or puts. Poots. P-O-O.

Poots. Yeah, but is it uh, like hood? Or ooh. Or ooh. I'm glad you got your stuff signed. Don't feel weird about getting your pants signed. I love it. He's like, fuck.

What can I do? What can I do here? I was picturing the whole band signing his pants. Yeah. Do you have another marker? Do you have another marker to sign? Fuck. Like Beckham.

Mm-hmm. But hanging up your jeans on the wall. And it's just down the legs. Right there. Pants. Signatures. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're not the only one, Poots.

I promise you that. Get a little piece of clothing signed. But I wonder who it was. Just kept on mentioning who they were on tour with. It's hot, hot heat. But who's the band, Poots? Probably nobody. Fucking tell me, Poots.

All right, moving off to our next email. It's coming in from our Smoked out son LT Do you miss LaDainian Thomason? Yes Sean Alexander LT just scoring touchdowns Comes out the gate with some caps Hey daddies Sorry in advance

For the lack of punctuation and run on sentences I'm not a fucking Punctuation of fur after all Punctuation Or raffer on sentences. I'm not a fucking punctuation of fur after all. Punctuation? A raffer? A raffer. So anyways, I was sitting here in smokiest fuck

southeast Idaho and I was thinking, where's the fire at? And how big is it? But I ran across a slight issue. All the measurements were in fucking acreage! I can't visualize how big an acre is! What's next?

Measurement conversion with a dick in my ass? With this conundrum set upon me, I had figure out my problem. And you guys give me shit for reading you send in a

fucking sentence like that. Sons of bitches. I had to figure out my problem. And then it hit me like a dick in the face while doing my makeup. The only reliable source for measurements. Fucking football fields! So I figured it out. There it is. There's that D we were looking

for. And wanted to pass on this extremely valuable knowledge so that we can actually visualize the size of these fires. This is funny. Here's the site to convert acreage to football fields. I'm also going to attach a few pics of my adventures under the interwebs while researching as hard as a Call me Uncle Zach does! for lap time. Thank you.

If you read this on the show, give me a sexy honk and a... Go ahead. And a... Hey, me. Love, your favorite commie son enlisted in the scat cast meme army, LT Memes. Tenant Memes. So, an acre is roughly the same size as a football field. With an acre being 43,560 square feet and a football field being around 57,600 square feet.

When I read that, it's not that close. You're missing a lot of feet. Just because it's a big number doesn't mean that they're close. It says roughly-ish. It's like, I don't know,

you tell me. I mean, 43,000, okay, you're missing, you know, whatever, you get it.

14,000 feet? 14,000 square feet? Imagine a house. Dude, a good-sized house is like 3,000 square feet. That's a big house. Yeah. 14,000. Five of those.

So we're missing a lot of the football field. Anyway, that is funny because I have a hard time picturing an acre, too. Like, I was how many how many cows you're eating in it but now i can at least be like oh yeah what i picture an acre as a square so like i yeah i have a football field you know yeah because i don't i don't visualize in rectangles visualize the squares it's much easier that way that's what dad used to do that's right brother he didn't say it but i knew he did it yeah well you knew it's just easier that way. That's what Dad used to do. That's right, brother. He didn't say it, but I knew he did it. Yeah, well, you knew.

It's just like some things you just know. It's intuition. You don't have to say it, Dad. You're like, we know. He's like, well, you know what I... Yeah, we know. I know, Dad. We know squares.

You don't have to tell me. We got it, squares. Tell me something else you used to say. Well, glad you asked. Well, that's it. You ever seen a really long ponytail? That's an issue that no one talks about

how many ponytails is one acre alright that's episode 112 it is let's get the fuck out of here we do the bonus stuff and if you want to hear

the bonus stuff for this episode and all the other ones you can sign up and support us on Patreon it really is the number one way to support the show

patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. There's also a link in the episode description, a bunch of new merch as well. Thanks to everybody that's picked it up. You can find that on our website at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Got the socials, the YouTube version of the show. Send stuff in. The email for that

is heyguys hey at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Then rate and review us wherever you listen. Be sure to check out Uncle Zach. Big thanks for producing today's show and blowing the horn. Gave us some proper blowjobs from the back door. And be sure to check out everything he does over at scatcast.com. That is scat with a K and a thanks to the babysitters that moderate the

Can You Know Playground on Facebook. Let's wrap it up. I got a thing. Good God. Wrap it up already huh wrap it up like your penis a man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree you can't cut me down well the tree explains a take i'm talking here the man responds you may be, you may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue. Love it. You may be a talking tree, but you sure as hell gonna dialogue.

Ah! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ow! Ow! Every chop. Ow! Ow!

He falls over. He's still kind of alive. Ah! Ow! Every chop. Ow! Ow! He falls over. He's still kind of alive. Ah! Oh! My insides! All right. Off to the bonus stuff. Do the thing.

Say the what. My. Boom. Boom. Bye.