Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Doodle. Cougar. Whippets. Balls of Fire.

Episode Date: January 1, 2025

Is there anything worse than making a clever joke, someone doesn't get it, then you have to spend the next few minutes explaining why the joke was funny but now no one cares and everyone is sad? Let's talk about that, how many people are actually millionaires in the USA, the worst place to get caught while calling out sick from work, finding out that cougar meat taste pretty damn good, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/wpcoJWtszOESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doodle, Cougar, Whippets, Balls of Fire. I guess realized I look exactly the same as the last episode. Yay. Were you wearing the same shirt? I was wearing a blue shirt, though. But the same sweatshirt. And obviously the same face. Yeah, look at you. You're wearing shoes all the way up. And pants.

You tied your shoes today. Yeah. Don't have Crocs or whatever the fuck you normally wear. What do you normally wear? Velcro. Velcro? Yeah, they're usually like a Velcro or just a slip-on boot or something. This is the first time I've ever seen you with shoelaces. This is a big day.

It is a big day. Woo, Brian. Christmas is coming up. Nope, Christmas already happened. Episode, oh yeah, by the time this came out. Happy New Year. Yeah, Happy New Year, episode 133. What are we doing today?

Oh, so the merch thing. By the time this one comes out, again, we had to record a few of them in one week, but we'll figure out who won the $250. And I'm guessing we'll talk about it hopefully next week. And then we'll spin the wheel. We'll post about it. You guys will know that

whoever won. But thanks to everyone who has picked up merch on CanYououdon'tpodcast.com. Get the bonus content by subbing to us. You know what? You little sub. You keep going. You can just get up and leave. Yeah, I'm out.

Okay. Because we're done with the wheel. Oh, get it out of here? You need to redecorate? Just for today. Okay, you do that. If you want the bonus content, sub. Be our little subbie.

Head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast oh for one on do decorating efforts okay now we got it oh for two oh you got something all right yeah it's great we got a hot wheels wheelchair and a comb brush yeah a switchblade comb comb brush box uh yeah patreon you'll find a link in the episode description content on the show hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and of course as always go check out scat cast see comb brush box. Yeah, Patreon. You'll find a link in the episode description. Content on the show. Hey guys, at CanyonDomePodcast.com and of course,

as always, go check out ScatCast. See what Uncle Zach's doing. I wouldn't. And speaking to that tall, handsome motherfucker, we got a lap time today. You got a little preview for us?

We're going to do Fun With Numbers-ish. Fun With Numbers? Wowee! I've got a little surprise for you and then I've got a bunch of odds and some random shit about millionaires that will be interesting, I think.

Okay, yeah, that's exciting. It might be fun, it might be terrible. Yeah, it sounds fun. Or terrible. From here, it sounds great. Probably terrible. But once we get there, I'll let you know if it's terrible. Thank you.

Does that sound good? Yeah. Okay. What were you going to say? Nope, nope. Nothing? You want to get high? You want to get high, don't you?

That story for another time. All right, let's get the show rolling zach fuck yeah hey shut up start the show already there it is so last week i believe we we talked about uh chewing food yeah oh you went back two weeks. Huh? But the one we recorded yesterday, we talked about, would you want to chew your food for five minutes or have to never chew your food again? Right. Because it was a food episode. Right.

Yeah. Where were you going? I don't know. You. Yep. I'm glad you said something because I was going to say something just completely unrelated. We just talked about when do we fucking talk about this

recording shows back to back is fucking hard it's really weird I also was thinking we were doing the what are you thinking about so that's where I was going that helped because now I'll be able to lead in with that in the next segment

your brain is ready remember what I was going to say and so that helped. Because now I'll be able to lead in with that in the next segment. Your brain is ready. Hey, Joe! Remember what I was going to say? Yeah, go ahead. So this is a thought I had last night, actually. Okay. Were you high? I was high! Oh, I want to get high. Yeah. Yes, I was.

So sometimes when you are high... Hi, how are you all? You know, you're like, your brain just like, it just goes. And then you have this like internal weird battle where you want to say something, then your brain's, your other, your. The more sober brain? Sober part of the brain's like, no, you don't, don't say that. No, you say that, then you have to explain it.

Yeah. So then you're this, it's a battle. So it was just not like, okay, don't say that no you say that then you have to explain yeah so then you're this whole thing battle so it was just not like okay don't say that you're high you don't say that so then i was thinking well what if what if there was a way that like you're just in public but you had like you had to say the thing that's on your mind oh so then i was thinking how could you turn this into something it'd be a funny world to live in though it would originally i was thinking like you know like a bubble on your head that's like one of those old thought bubbles but that's ridiculous you know yeah so the what i came up with was just on your shirt like a like the shirt i'm wearing just instead of it saying mariners it would just it's like a digital thing

whatever your thought is at the time pops up and it just says what you're thinking on your shirt in front of all to see. It doesn't matter where you are. So depending on the person you are, the question is, what does your life look like? Are you fine? Are you like, no, I'm comfortable with that. I'm not thinking anything bad. My initial thought was working at a daycare. So it doesn't matter what you think because they can't read your shirt anyway.

But I could have a snack. It's like, you just had one, you little fuck. Like pops up. But there'll be that one little girl that's really smart. Fuck. And she'll,'ll yeah she knows yeah but at least you're not going to offend them so i mean that you could get away with just or just you're at a school for illiterate people and you're sure it's just constantly changing but

they can't read it so you you okay so you feel like if you were had the situation you couldn't you couldn't survive in just a normal setting you would have to work in a setting where you're around children who can't read all the time that would be my day job you'd come from home, school, back home yeah just single sit on the couch with my t-shirt changing

letters all the time different words and sayings and then go work with a litter of people do you think in your current relationship you could, like there wouldn't, it would be fine? Or do you think there would be some...

Nothing would be fine ever for anybody. You think you're like, no, no, of course not a problem. I tell her everything. No, you don't. Yeah. There's some things that, you know. In fact, you guys, that's great.

You guys are, you could be, probably are very are very open very honest with each other but not that honest not t-shirt honest i don't care who the fuck you think you are like you hear the things that i say to the world yeah what the fuck's going on in here yeah i don't think you want to know yeah and then i would purposely just think things just have my t-shirt changed to something offensive. Or funny. I would use it as a punchline. Yeah. Yeah. I'd be like, can I have one Coca-Cola, please?

And they'd be like, don't give him Coca-Cola, he's addicted. So the guy's like, okay, that would be... Are you sure? Don't give me a Coca-Cola no matter what I say. So it's like a hostage situation? Yeah. He's like, I don't think you should be having that. Yes. And he goes having that. Yes.

And he goes, no. Yes. And you make t-shirts. He's like, maybe. Come on, do it, you fucking bitch. God, that'd be wild. Give me a Pepsi, you big dumb bitch. Now you're saying things worse than your shirt's saying.

I know. But so, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, you know, being out in the world. Just pretend like you're. Seeing someone attractive yeah whatever yeah let's say you're out i mean you could be out with your your significant other you're out at a nice dinner or something and an attractive man or woman walks by and you're you know like to get a piece of that dick yeah you're like man i'd like to because there's a difference between thoughts and actions yeah like a thought has to really be something in order for you to get your body to do and take action on it so just those fleeting thoughts oh yeah destroy every friendship go

so fast every friendship every relationship it's fucking over you're like i was thinking about get the number 17 she just looks up at you and you're like that waitress has a fucking cool ass but it's fucking over you're like i was thinking about get the number 17 she just looks up at you and you're like that waitress has a fucking cool ass but it's not that's not even mean is it yeah it's not even like oh i want to fuck that waitress it just says like wow wow she has a neat butt she has a neat but not even ass wow she's got a neat butt what a neat that's a really neat butt you're like that even more disturbing if it wasn't just like normal lingo. Wow, neat caboose. Picture Ezra. With a choo-choo train? Yeah.

Wow, neat caboose. Then your wife's just like, you're such a child. And then your thought comes up, shut the fuck up, bitch. You don't know me. Shut up, you big, dumb bitch. What? You just met me. She goes, what?

And then he just goes, uh-oh. I didn't mean to say that he meant to say that t-shirts just fighting there's no way you could lie to someone what i meant to say was exactly what i said you big dumb bitch yeah dude my my brain all the time goes like when i hear something my it's my brain does the trial run it's like something horrible just pops in my brain something awful and then i have to go you can't say that that's bad um but is there a version you could say that's not so bad yeah so if my first my yeah if my first thought popped up on my shirt god damn it that'd be awful does it blink no yeah it's everyone know you know if you're if you're in the room with someone they'd see your shirt yeah um like even

at a gym like yeah but using it like to communicate and it's a healthy conversation between two talking t-shirts but every now and again like for no reason i was like wonder what cal ripken jr is doing like in the middle of talking about what i want for dinner like ah where's michelle branch and then what because yeah no cheese sounds good when was the last time michelle branch put that song hope she's doing well did you get yeah i love parmesan on that yeah did you ever go to rehab rehab i like your lasagna no No, spaghetti's fine. Just the most confusing conversation. But that's what I feel like if you're anything like I am and I feel like you are, that's what our brain's like all day long.

I think everybody's brain is like that. Mine works like in a very offensive, like I see a situation and then my brain just does, it's likes to write stories. So then my brain looks at what happened and then goes, but what if this, like this little, this part of it was swapped out with another thing. And then my brain plays out this, like this flight of fancy of just like this weird thing. And then I just go, that's funny. Yeah. And then I move and then I move on. Like, yeah, I'd be crazy.

That'd be crazy. If I did take a whip it right here on the gas station. See, that's what's kind of funny is like, you'll have this thought that you, like, you'll see something, you'll have a thought, and then you'll get yourself will giggle. You giggle at a thought you had. I'm like, how fast can this guy stop me if I get started doing whippets over here by the dairy section? You want to get high?

You want to get high? Yeah, but like, I have that thought. And I'm like, nah, I'm not going to do it. Yeah. But who's the person that's going to have to come stop a lunatic from taking whippets by the milk? Like, who's going to do it? I don't get paid enough. Somebody has to first see it, and then someone has to be like, that dude's fucking taking whippets?

Like, I'm probably already 15. Nitrous hits in. Yeah. By the time somebody is concerned about me as I'm probably already 15. Nitrous hits in. Yeah. By the time somebody is concerned about me as I'm falling over discounted donuts. Like, you know how it's set up. Like, the 50% off one, because they went bad yesterday. Those are always kind of by the dairy section of stores. So you're back there, and you're just going.

And, like, someone's, like, checking the carton of eggs that they're cracked. And they just look. Like, is that guy taking fucking whippets? And then there's gonna be a couple people they're like i'm not dealing with this and then they just go on with their shopping but someone has to see it do it and they have to go down to the front desk and be like there's someone taking fucking whippets and they're like and then someone has to explain what a whip it is they're like what's that he goes he's huffing nitrous oxide yeah right back by the fuck he's what just come here and you go and as you get closer like you hear their footsteps coming up and this lunatic laughing smashing donuts high as fuck

see that stuff that's the kind of day like so that's right that's what my brain does so my shirt's gonna be a fucking mess right women's brains also like way more worrisome at least from my experience i'm sure i mean everyone has a different thing but they think about a billion different things and i mean just looking at their t-shirt like you can't even fucking read it so fast it's changing it's like one of those videos you have to try and pause it the right spot and see how see what kind of day you're gonna have See if you can line up the nose And you're just like Missed it It'd be a fucking nightmare Yeah that's better

Yeah and that's their t-shirt Just Agreed Yeah you're trying to sleep And you just hear like a clicker board Of t-shirts next to you If it made noise That would

That'd add another level Just the sound of Of a changing And then men's shirt it's just like boobs then bigger boobs i call my wife's stress level the plinko ball she doesn't like it but she agrees yeah i'm sure she doesn't like it either but she agrees. Yeah, I'm sure she doesn't like it either. No, she doesn't. No one wants to have that brain. It's just, you just have it. What's the worst situation you think you could be in to have that shirt? Just an everyday situation.

Like, I mean, there obviously are like funerals where things like, oh, the contrast of like somber versus wanting to make a joke or something. Joey, you have any words to say about your dad no it just says why the fuck was he in a minivan uh-huh i think that's what my t-shirt says and they're just like because how often do you do that where you're like you have this just this crazy thought and then you're just like meh you're like i'd choose not to say anything else you'd like to say and you're like no your t-shirt's like yeah no. And your teacher's like, yeah. But of course, as we do on the show, thinking about t-shirts and then thinking about sex,

like say you're a girl, like you're having sex. I'm fucking Cassie. Yeah. Right in her puss. And she's wearing a t-shirt and having sex. And I'm like,

oh my God, did you come? She's like, yeah. And it's like, nope. Yeah. Or hurry up

and get this over with. Yeah. They just say, just, just, I know, but I pretended like I was going to come so that you would Yeah or Hurry up Get this over with Yeah Just say Just No but I pretended Like I was gonna come So that you would fall asleep I can't wait till you snore

Right Something very specific You fucking asshole You chew so loud So I never get to sleep Good god I was just checking I was just seeing

If you came No I told you I did But I didn't And you're gonna snore And I'm gonna end up On the fucking couch And I wish this relationship Never happened I don't know how to get out of it and I'm gonna end up on the fucking couch and I wish this relationship never happened.

I don't know how to get out of it now. We're so deep in. We live in a house together. Our kids are basically siblings. You're just reading their shirt. You just keep fucking. You're like... I wonder how much arsenic is. Yeah. What's a safe...

An undetectable level of arsenic. Belladonna. So I don't know. In a relationship it would be terrible. I mean, a boss situation That's a safe... An undetectable level of arsenic to... Right, yeah. Belladonna. You know? You know? So I don't know. Like, in a relationship would be terrible. I mean, a boss situation. Did you get that report done?

Of course I got it done. Oh, fuck! Mm-hmm. I gotta go use the restroom real quick, and it's like... Shit. Jerk off in the bathroom. Yeah, any sort of like Stressful Just a role Where it depends on that communication

So relationship, or being at work Being with co-workers Ah fuck, here comes Brian Hey Brian Hey, you having a good day? Yeah, almost killed myself last night That would put a lot of guilt on you too yeah you know it's like because at least if the person's depressed and they're not they're not offloading their does it draw pictures too though like does

your shirt just draw the the thing that you're thinking of like hanging like jump hanging yourself no last crazy crazy night no i i went to bed early but before that like a pretty calm relaxing night your shirt's just drawing you hanging loading a gun loading a gun i don't know nothing crazy officer as you're picturing like it's painting the picture of you reaching out the car window and taking his gun and he's just like step out of the vehicle. Oh, God. Getting pulled over. Do you know how fast you were going?

No. 64. He's like, I know exactly, because I set the speed. Oh, look, your t-shirt matches my speed gun. What are the chances? I'm fucked. Hopefully he doesn't find the cocaine in the glove box. A smile on your face looking up. Do you have anything in the car you need to tell me about? Nope. Coc cocaine in the glove box. A bit of a smile on his face. A smile on your face looking up. Do you have anything in the car you need to tell me about?

Nope. Cocaine in the glove box. He's like, oh shit, did I take the cocaine out? Did you take the cocaine out of the glove box or just stole my butt? All right, so step out of the car. I can't. I have bad arthritis. I just don't want to get out of these.

I'm scared. I'm scared the shit out of me. I'm going to smell the cocaine. I hope his dog's not here. I have heroin in the backseat. I'm going to, if I get out, I'll stumble because I'm high as fuck. I'm so high. Yeah.

I mean, it's a funny, that's a funny high thought. And what a world. It would destroy literally everything if everybody was that open. Like even the biggest assholes that say everything aren't saying everything. Yeah, they hold back. Yeah. You're just getting like they're saying enough that you're like dude that guy's a fucking dick uh and what more it would just be an

unbearable level of fucking judging and lying and everyone's a fucking asshole and there's no way picture okay now you said that picture real quick like a presidential debate because they're all they're all just like they're all side swiping questions and and making themselves look good however they can where like you now mr johnson whatever what do you think about the blah blah blah and they go oh good question they go into their political answer and just all the shit that's popping up on their shirt like he's talking idiots have no idea how bad we're screwing you yeah yeah he's making sense while he's talking but he's like his shirt has just been like she has some pretty good boobs yeah some pretty neat boobs no i think yeah i think like this is really gonna change it my stance

on foreign policy and his t-shirt is just like a fucking dick in a butthole. Like over and over again. It's a picture of the moderator. It's like it's her face. And that's why I think we can achieve world peace. And it's just like just come over and ask geek on your t-shirt.

Well, thank you. Mr. Johnson, would you like to respond? The other candidates candidates also jerk. He's just jerking off on his own shirt. Like him laying in bed. He's thinking about what a tug job he's going to give himself after the debate tonight. Or they're doing some weird cuckold shit where he's watching the other. The picture is him coming on his opponent's face

yeah and they're just doing that but like staring at each other and their shirts are having a war that's kind of like some AI shit

where they're like talking to each other yeah we got some we got some AI stuff for you later on too oh we do yeah

fun alright well shall we move on from this fun we shall god can't get out of here fast enough

that was embarrassing Zach hey hey what's up babe All right, well, shall we move on from this fun? We shall. God, can't get out of here fast enough. That was embarrassing. Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Very fitting, that little intro. I know. What are you thinking about? Oh, nothing. Actually, you know what? Actually, you know what?

I am thinking about something. Okay. What's going on? Hey, Joe, you know what? I am thinking about something. What's going on? Hey, Joe, you remember yesterday when we were talking about... See how I brought that back? Yeah, I got you. Target. When we were in Target and I brought the... I don't even know if we were talking about Target.

Yeah, I brought the body washes over to my wife and I was like, hey, which one of these makes you wet? Was that on the show or... I don't even know when that was. I don't even know if it's just the car on the show zach maybe maybe the bonus you guys it's so hard to do this it really is people are like you fucking idiots yeah but no episode 133 yeah like i've talked about you don't i have no idea what i've just said you guys in the living room i've just said to cassie i've just said to myself i'm taking a poop well and you stack that all together on two different shows. Especially when you're a couple weeks ahead and there are holidays.

And they get released weeks out from each other. Yeah, because technically this is New Year's Day. Oh, it is? And right now, when we're recording this, Christmas hasn't even happened yet. This is going to be a great 2025. Yeah. Oh, I'm excited. Best one I've seen.

Best 2025 I've ever experienced. There you go. Way to go, Zachy Poo. We should have done something New Year's. That would have been nice. Happy New Year's, everybody. That would have been thoughtful of us. So anyway, we went and ate and finished up some Christmas shopping.

And went to Target because you can get everything you need there uh and so on occasion especially in places like target because my video audience is like 30 to 4 year old moms target moms yes that's your target demographic my target demographic oh my god uh so every on occasion i will get a mom it and say hey I love your videos And you know Chime in and we have a conversation And that happened again The other night she was like

She said oh I love the videos You've been doing lately and I was like oh thanks I've finally been posting again whatever She goes on her way We uh Funny you mention that me and my wife started an only fans together. And she's like, what?

You're like, what? Do you want to be a part of it? I'll DM the link. Yeah. I'm going to be a part of the video or anything. What? What?

Just walk off drinking a Coors light, walking around target, just over your forehead and back to get some whippets. You want to get high? That'd be so funny. If you get recognized while you get some whippets You wanna get high? Shit, that'd be so funny If you get recognized while you're taking whippets And fucking target Oh, dude, that'd be

Are you the guy that makes the videos? He's got whipped creams, like, all over your face That ain't me, man That's me, that meal That was one time It was But I don't do that anymore I don't wanna be around anymore I don't want to be around anymore.

I don't want to be around anymore. Do you have a bottle opener? Jesus. Okay, so you're recognized in Target. I forgot what I was saying. Oh, yeah. So, everyone, it's kind of fun every once in a while for that to happen. But then, so we go down to this art area because we were going to,

our youngest wants some like drawing and coloring and markers and stuff. So we're, what? I can't stop picturing just like doing whippets walking around a fucking department store. Like it's normal. Like you're just with your kids and he's like, can I get this coloring book? And he goes,

Yeah. Yeah, whatever you want. Just make sure it's not, it's gotta be washable. It's gotta be washable. We're not doing that again, right, buddy? Yeah, I love you. Love you too. And someone's just pushing their cart next to you.

It's like, what the fuck? Such a weird drug to see happening out and about. Like drinking, you know that they're drinking, but just doing whippets. It's so loud. It's just so funny. Just shaking it up. You got any bigger rugs? It's just so funny.

I kind of want to do it. He's back in the sporting goods section fucking doing whips and shooting hoops on the demo basketball hoop. You're looking for a thing? Nah, man. I was just waiting for you to get here and see this. Hoops on the on the demo basketball hoop Now just wait get here and see this Just bounces off a BB gun you're like whoops

Anyway, see you later nerd anyways, when did you guys stop selling guns? So how much weight can this mountain bike hold? The general store that we have here in town? You could do all of that stuff. You could probably even get a whip at there. I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah, dude. Oh, you're at the gun counter and you just hear this like

couple aisles over and then like, ding, ding. And this guy comes rolling around taking whippets right in a Huffy. It has the price tag on the front. So you guys got, I mean, how much is that shotgun? He's like, sir, I'm not selling you shit. Okay. That's fair.

He just lost my business. He just fucking hit all the shit off his desk. He goes ding ding. Right off. It has training wheels on it. Knock over the little pocket knife stand. Yeah. Like the key chain pocket knife stand.

Take a lighter and just. All right. Anyway, back to you. All right. Let's go back to Target. I'm going to try to stop thinking about how funny it is to do whippets in public. Okay. Good luck.

Okay. Thank you. So I'm terrible at that kind of stuff. Yeah. Like you see celebrities who get, like people come up to them and it's so cool. And they're just like, they play it so cool. But when someone comes up, they always say like oh you look familiar or do i know whatever and i'm always just like oh yeah it you know like uh hi what's your name and then i don't

do you want to know the shortcut what yes for the ask if they want a picture because that's the end of the interaction no i guess then i don't want to be the guy that's like he just offers his own picture i know that but it's it ends the whole thing do they want you like yeah yeah yeah and you're like yeah and then you get a picture and then there's nothing else oh yeah you can't really talk after that that's the exit yeah you got you got what you needed you want a picture and they're like no and then you're like oh yeah all right no but if it gets out of control and they start sharing their whole life story, it's like, oh, do you want a picture? And then you get a picture and then shake their hand and thank them and away you go. If it gets out of control.

Now you can never use that. What's that? Now you can never use that. No, I can. No. And they'll laugh because they'll know exactly what I'm doing. Yeah, fair enough. Oh, Joe's trying to get out of it.

I never, I think we talked about this on a previous show. I'm so bad at getting out of conversations anyway, because just in general, if someone says something, I don't want to just be like, whatever, and leave. So I end up listening and talking and asking questions. Me too. For sure. And now it's about me, and so I'm like, I want to talk about myself and it's and then it gets really awkward so after that gal leaves we're a little bit later on we're down in the art aisle and we're you know i'm there my wife's looking everything so i'm just looking at

things and like cracking jokes and as i do and uh and one of the one of the things was like the something doodle i don't remember what it was like the doodle board or whatever let's call it the doodle board okay and so i'm looking at this i'm like that looks pretty cool i'll show my wife like oh yeah i think he would like something like this he could do on this and then over in my left in my left ear i hear this uh this woman go oh my god uh that's such a cute dog what kind of dog is it and the the guy's like, oh, it's a Labradoodle, whatever. And she's like, oh, he's so cute. I have a Yorkie Doodle or whatever. And I was just like, I have a doodle board.

I don't understand that. I'm a doodle board. And they both stopped and they look over at me. And she's like, what's that? And I was like, I have a doodle board. See? And she's like, oh, what kind is it? And I was like, no, doodle board.

She goes, what? I'm like, I was like, he mentioned doodle. You said that doodle. And I was holding a doodleodle so I was just making jokes She's like oh, okay And then the guy like the guy he was talking to just kind of like Turns and walks away and she's like you look familiar She she leaves and so she goes you look familiar

And because the woman a little bit ago just said she recognized me and i was like i was like yeah i get this sometimes you probably recognize me from videos from a doodle and she goes no no i don't think that's it i'm like she's like what do you what kind of videos and i was like i make like only fans i was like i make videos on the internet Like comedy stuff She's like oh okay cool And she's like no Were you at a party on Saturday And I was like And I looked over at Amber and I was like

Were we at a party on Saturday And she's gone She's fucking nothing to do with this And I was like no I don't think I was at a party Hey babe Were we at a party? Saturday. Sunday?

No, Saturday. Was it last Saturday? Last Saturday. And I honestly was like, I don't remember what Saturday was. So I was like, no, that couldn't have been me. And she's like, oh, okay. Well, what kind of videos do you do? I was like, well, you know, like parenting and just comedy,

mom stuff. She's like, oh, and then... I started having women's clothing. She starts acting, yeah. And she's like, well, what do you do in there? And then I started getting that and you could just see her face going,

oh, fuck. She goes, well, how do I find it? She goes, well, do you want a picture? Yeah. You're like, yeah, I guess so. She uses the trick. She uses the trick right against you. Oh, God.

Or she just says, hey, can I get a pic? So she gets out of it. She gets out of it. She goes, mm-hmm, I get it. But no, it just kept getting progressively worse because she was asking for more details. She asked where she could find it and I was like telling her all this stuff and then I had to spell my name.

I had to spell my name. She's like, is it with an I? And I was like, it's with a Y. She's like, oh my God. And so then she sees her Velcro shoes and she goes, this poor guy. What was I wearing? You're standing there

You can hear I have a doodle And they just like Turn and look at you And it's just you With a doodle board And velcro shoes Yeah

With like A bottle of Like whipped cream Sticking out your Fucking sweatshirt pocket I have a doodle board I have a doodle board And they're like

Oh god Should we tell someone I don't know how people if I have an opportunity to make a joke I just do it and it was a good joke fuck them for not laughing but I just don't think they heard it

and so then when you have to explain it and then it wouldn't have been as awkward as i thought but or normal but then when she said you look familiar i made it more awkward because i just got recognized by someone else earlier so i was like oh you know you probably just recognize me for talk to her go talk to her she can tell you the whole thing but so then it's like now i'm just a guy going oh and there are other people there i'm'm like, oh yeah, you've probably seen my videos. So I'm like, now I sound like just an egomaniac.

Yeah, hold this again. Jesus Christ. And so then she goes on her way. You write down instructions on how to. You sign it and then give it to her? Have a good one. Have a good day. And Merry Christmas.

So then we you know go our separate ways and i was saying i wonder if she's gonna look it up or if he's gonna do and then uh i go to check out and i hear behind me oh what's his name was and i recognized why i turned around and she was in the line next to the guy with the dog talking and and it was sorry that asshole broke us up earlier yeah well this doodle board joke my first thought was she must not be looking it up you know because she's not done yeah she's moved on it's like well fuck her i guess okay but um fuck you your t-shirt yeah fuck you bit you big dumb bitch you big dumb bitch uh fuck you and your poodle but i just i don't know how to not

make things awkward because i just in order like when when something comes up i just say something i'm like i don't know why i said that so then i'm like trying to dig out of it yeah and then it's like and then someone it just goes over their head so then i'm explaining why i made the joke and then it's just like why can't i just be like cool guy that can make good jokes no but not even like why do i have to make a joke at all why can't just like you see the guys are they go like oh yeah you can get a picture they come on up and they're like all right nice meeting to move on i'm like and i want the situation to be light-hearted so i crack some joke and then they don't get it and so now they're like oh they were oh i got to i got to

meet this person that i i like their stuff and now it's just he's making it so fucking awkward so then they're gonna go home they're gonna be like oh i met brian like what was he like weird actually it was really it was worse than i thought it was gonna be yeah he was doing whippets and had a doodle board. His shirt. His life left with the kids and he was wearing Velcro shoes. Exactly. Kids weren't there. It was just us two. Wow. And she still left you. Yeah. Because she saw

it was nose diving. She's like, I'm not going to. Because she knows exactly what's going to happen. And so I just see her face and I'm like, oh, she's gone. Lost another one. Another night at target ruined ruined by a doodle joke we'll never learn boyan yeah well that's fun i love you all right let's get to some dick okay let's gape it zach is it interesting is it cool Let's gape it. Zach, punch it!

You ready to suck on some dick? Yeah. Let it roll around in the mouth a little bit. Or whatever. Do dicks roll around? That's a weird way to describe a dick in your mouth. I mean, you could roll around in your tongue. With a rolling around. Dick's just rolling around.

Just rolling a dick around. Do you want to take this one? Yeah, I'll take it. No one cares. Won't take that. We've talked about plenty on this show about just the horniness of men. Yeah.

And the lengths that they will go to to have some sex. And I just want everyone to be aware that this is not just a human being experience, as I'm about to share with you. Love-struck male humpback whale, easy Dr. Seuss, swims record-breaking three oceans, 8,106 miles for sex. What's funny about that is that that doesn't even sound crazy. You're like, I get it dude don't have to tell me mr humpback whale it's uh the lengths you'll go for some good puss sounds so horrible it does uh my lengths you'll go for it gets some good

get a fucking taste of that labe migration is a grueling test of endurance but some species defy all the odds to explore different territories in a remarkable feat a male humpback whale embarked on a epic journey across three oceans for sex for fucking the unprecedented fucking pussy barrage. The unprecedented journey saw the creature migrate thousands of miles from the eastern Pacific Ocean to the Indian Ocean, ultimately reaching the coast of Zanzibar. Altogether, the humpback whale. And then it puts it in its scientific term. Yeah, right. Like, I'm going to ever try to.

Let me see. Let me take a stab at it. Oh, you mean the Megatora Novangeli? What is that? Maya Angelou? What? Leonardo Da Vinci? Megaptera? Dude.

Novangelia. Megaptera Novangelia. So anyway, humpback whale, covered a distance of 8,106 miles, which is 13,000 kilometers. What the fuck's a kilometer? How many football fields is that? Six million at least.

This journey represented the longest great circle distance ever taken by a humpback whale between two locations. Wait, what's that? A monitor on it or something? How the fuck do you know that? Invasion of privacy. Just some dude in a little motorized boat. Just following this whale and his huge dick.

Where are we going today? Henry the humpback? Just like, man, it looks like he's got his humpback. Am I right? Yeah, he's got it. Yeah. Henry got her humpback. Yeah.

But just, that is so far. He had to be so sick of that fucking pacific ocean whale pussy he was probably it's yeah he's like dude if i had if i if i don't know why whales have to talk like that if i have to stick my dick in one more seattle coast pussy whale pussy i'm gonna fucking end it i mean california whales aren't as attractive yeah i'm so over these san diego whale pussies god damn a dozen over here it's not even hard not even hard to fuck a san diego whale turn around my dick's another one another one turn around better back around before i know what i'm fucking blowing my blowhole. What if cum came out of the blowhole?

Maybe it does. Just pudding. Just breaching and shooting pudding. Right in that boat. That whale watching adventures. They're like, ha ha ha, we got splat. That's actual whale semen. And he's like, you know what, I'm out of here.

Like, where did he go? I'm guessing down. They probably didn't get to go through the Panama Canal. Did he even use the Strait of Magellan? Or did he just go all the way down, right around the tip of Chile, and then up to get some Indian Ocean whale pussy? Well, Indian Ocean is south. Isn't that where you would...

Well, he started in the Pacific Ocean. He crossed the Atlantic and then he crossed into Indian Ocean. Yeah. So he went Pacific into the Atlantic and then to the Indian Ocean. That is the short way, I think. That's the 8,106 miles. We could have gone through the Panama Canal. Yeah.

Like Brian was saying, a guy in a dinghy, just like, meh, little motor, just fucking braving all the storms to follow Henry the Humpback on his puss-slamming adventure. Oh, okay, so he went from Pacific to Atlantic to the Indian. Yeah. So, where did he end up? What continent? Like, Asia? Or Africa?

Indian Ocean. Yeah, but it Like Asia or Africa? Indian Ocean. Yeah, but it borders Asia and Africa and Australia. It sure does. But what a journey for this fella. That's such a long... Can you grasp how far that is? Not really. The planet's 24,900 miles around.

It's a third of the... Planet. The circumference. That's insane. How long did it take him? He just swam a third of the way across the world for books. Just to have a little bit of sex. And it's whale sex, too. So the next time a woman says, like, why are you always thinking about sex?

Think of Henry the Humpback. The Humpback, he swam a third of the circumference of the earth. He swam by so many things he could have stuck his dick in. Mm-hmm. And just kept going to find the perfect one. And he started on the West Coast. California whales. California girls.

California whales. It's got to be the same thing. Well, he's probably tired of just the basic old blonde. California whale. California pussy. He wanted some of that exotic African or Asian whale pussy. Humpback puss. Yeah, you get it.

But I mean, just what a journey. And you think about it like, I mean, I think back to younger days of Joe. Like, I've walked miles in the rain just to go have a little bit of sex. Just a little bit? Just miles. Just went there, had sex, cried, and then walked. Cried? No, I just made that part up.

Took a Whippet. Go over there, have sex, and steal her whipped cream? All right, well, let me know if you want to see me again. She goes to eat some pumpkin pie. Did you happen to see where my whipped cream go? You sent her a picture of you laying on the train tracks with her fucking taking whippets. Train tracks. No, but it was like a three-mile walk.

Walked all the way out there, sex, and then walked all the way back because I had school in the morning. Yeah, I mean, that's... But that's not 8,106 miles. No, it's not, but you had things to do the next day. The whale doesn't have to work. That's the only thing he has to do. All he has to do is eat and fuck and breathe. That's really all he's got to do.

I'm trying to find how long it took him to get there. I mean, they have it down to the mile. I'm hoping they have it down to the second. It took him... That guy in the ding, the boat was just like, meee. With a stopwatch. Meee. Cause he's like Oh

You gotta pull off And get some gas somewhere Yeah He's refueling as he goes Being like This guy This guy wants to fuck He's on a mission

I get it I can't wait to watch you Fuck buddy Fuck buddy Maybe Maybe he got a little Yeah Little something

On the way there Or when he reached there. Run the risk of losing track of that whale, though. All right, you want to take the next one? Sure. Then take it. I'm going to take that. You've called out sick to work before, haven't you?

Yeah, I have. I was one of those people growing up, mostly of my mom where I was never allowed to miss school even after and I've shared this story before hooky bobbing behind a car and then catching payment and then waking up to my friend holding me in the backseat of a car covered in my blood

what did I miss something what are you talking about I'm just trying to make a point about so my mom... What the fuck? So doing that, grinding half my face off on the fucking road, and I could push my skull in. What is happening? What is happening?

What? It's a story. No, I get it. What? Did I miss the beginning? No, I'm getting there. My mom... I never missed any school.

Got it. So even when I had my Half my face missing My mom would be like You can go to school And she made me go to school You had your face missing Yeah That's the question

Yeah Wow It's a hooky bobbing story You're acting like We're supposed to know What you're talking about I figured you would know this story No

I know that I've shared it Whatever You shouldn't get it 133 episodes You don't listen to anything Maybe not on this show It might have been Hooky bobbing

Could have been a previous podcast. Remember, I couldn't remember yesterday. Oh, yeah. That's right. No, it doesn't. Your face? Hooky bobbing accident. Yes, I was holding on.

If you don't know what hooky bobbing is, you hold on to the bumper of a car, and the road is snowy, so you can slide behind the car on your feet. I was doing that with my friend and i remember seeing his face in the taillights and we're laughing probably going like 30 35 miles an hour and then i apparently hit paint like asphalt and that took me out and then i just woke up and i was my friend was holding me crying in the back seat and i just had my blood all over his fucking sweatshirt christ calling the hospitals trying to fucking see if they could get me in and my mom made me go to school the next day yeah well she was like well what's two plus two i'm like four plus you you know that was probably like uh you shouldn't be doing that what i shouldn't

yeah it's pretty cool though you think you're a marty's what I thought. Done that plenty. Anyway, where I was going was saying that, so calling into sick to work, I try not to. And if I do, it's like when I had a place to go that if I had to call in sick, I would still, for the most part, work from home. I mean, Zach knows that. I mean, I was fucking dying of COVID working from home. Yeah, dude. He didn't take a moment off. Like in the hospital, but also still doing emails. I like that you didn't trust us if you're like i'll just

do it remotely yeah yeah you need help and it was the smart move yeah i was sitting there and fucking heart was dying and i was in and out of the er and i was still working and the ghost of joe was in the office moving the mouse around. Yeah. When I got hit by a car on my motorcycle, I had my boss bring a computer home and I worked from home. Right. Exactly. But there has been times where I've been super, super sick, like with the flu. And I knew that everyone was going to be fine if I was not there. So that, for sure, I've called in sick to work.

Because you should be able to, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Anyway, back to the story. That was quite a sick to work. Because you should be able to, right? Yeah. Alright, anyway. Back to the story. That was quite a sidetrack. Yeah, it was. So I've called in sick to work. That leads me to another...

Well, no. You told the story. Never mind. I was going to say the... Whatever. Bus driver sacked... Was it the hooky-bobby story? Yeah. I was like, well, maybe you can tell that on another show, Joe. But you just told us. God, I don't remember anything.

You're working on it. Bus driver sacked after being caught singing and playing in the piano wine bar while off sick from work wins his job back. That is a funny thing to be caught doing. Like that's one of like, I mean, it's one thing to just be out and about like you're sick and then someone from work sees you and you're like at the mall because like you can still do mall stuff while you're sick but just being drunk at a piano bar i mean it's a tough one to explain i don't know like yeah i don't know tylenol don't know. Tylenol feels so much better. Tylenol is a hell of a drug. Dude, that fucking, that Pepto-Bismol really turned

my day around. I can see that Billy Idol. I'm feeling good. I can tell, fucking Elton John. What's his name? Hold me close, Elton. The other one. Billy Joel. Billy Joel, yeah. Uptown girl. Alright. An Italian bus driver who was sacked for performing in a wine The other one. Billy Joel. Billy Joel, yeah. Uptown girl. All right.

An Italian bus driver who was sacked for performing in a wine bar whilst on sick leave for anxiety has won his job back after judges rule his musical activities helped his recovery. The Rome-based driver, who remains unnamed, was dismissed in 2019 by a regional bus company we know it's village cultural uh after being discovered singing and playing piano during time off work for panic attacks it just keeps getting worse you're like okay well maybe like you have the cold and you do you can't start feeling better pretty quick but his thing's panic attacks and he just hammered performing in front of a live audience yeah in front of yeah like one of the most stressful situations is the things you can performing art in front of others for being an entertainer there's a reason why so many entertainers over overdose on drugs it's because it's god damn stressful yeah and he's like dude I just

he's like uptown girl we were living in an uptown imagine him just like hammer drunk he's like

drinking wine out of like you know some silly glasses like silly straw glasses just the crowd's going crazy and he looks up

and his boss is just sitting there and he's just like we got any requests? How about you? Oh, shit. Yeah. How about spreadsheets? How about get back to work?

I don't know that one. I don't know that one, but I know this one by Men at Work. I've heard working nine to five. Come from down under. Yeah. Everybody is working for the weekend. He's running his hand up and down the board. You took my love and you ran over my brain.

Do you know the Dolly Parton song, Working 9 to 5? Working 9 to 5. That's the song his boss work like walks in singing he goes instead of putting money in the joke his shirt's off he has a bow tie working nine to five yeah he's right in the middle of the chorus uh the boss comes up instead of putting the money in there to request a song, he goes and takes a 20 out. This is for calling in sick, when you're obviously not sick. He drops in a USB drive, opens it up, and just says, you're fired. But inside of an Excel spreadsheet. Right. All right.

Rather than finding him resting at home, the investigators tracked him to a Rome wine bar. I love how they hired investigators. Like, I don't trust this guy. He him to a Rome wine bar. I love how they hired investigators. Like, I don't trust this guy. He's probably in some wine bar. There's something up about this guy. I just have a feeling he's hammered drunk playing piano right now. That seems crazy. I just don't trust him.

He's got a feeling he's diddling the ivories. My gut feeling is telling me he's fucking playing piano right now What? I'm gonna need you to go find out Working 9 to 5 No rest for the wicked And all the hits

There they discovered him spending his evenings Performing songs and playing the piano Whilst officially signed off work piano whilst officially signed off work. Okay. Well, he signed off work. Sure. He's not doing it during work hours. Yeah, he's not clocked in.

He's not a lunch break? His contract with Courtshall was then terminated. Oh, yeah. Right on the spot. Yeah. The driver subsequently challenged his dismissal through the courts, beginning a legal bagel. A legal bagel? Yeah, man.

You want that, a blueberry, or? I don't have a legal bagel. A bagel? I don't have a legal bagel bagel. You can put everything on it. I want everything bagel. I want everything bagel. Legal battle that would eventually reach Italy's highest court.

It's even funnier. Supreme, baby. Do you have anything else to say for yourself? He's like, do I? And then he's like, squeak, squeak, squeak. Roll the piano in. And rattle my boat. Oh, what a frill

Goodness gracious And everybody in the audience That fucking piano solo in that song It's trash It just goes But come on How fucking good is that? Yeah.

Woo! Rattle that brain! I just picture goose. Gotcha. Ridiculous. Up in heaven. The Supreme Court upheld that performing in a wine bar while on sick leave

was permissible as it occurred outside mandatory at home hours for medical inspections well i'm glad he got his job back i mean who hasn't called in sick and then done something else and sickness is such a weird thing like you're also don't want to just be laying on the fucking couch so it can help you to get up and go and do something especially i guess if you're depressed or anxious or something yeah well being sick make or being sick makes you fucking depressed well maybe he was depressed because he of his work because he was because he fucking hated his job all he wants to do is play piano dude that's all he wants to do leave him alone dude yeah there's so many examples of that like i've heard like personally people that say they're like I'm sick whatever and then they post

pictures on their socials like going skiing going snowboarding I just don't get that like you gotta be so dumb that's like that's calling sick 101 is to not not let

cause you people they see it cause you're friends with someone at work and they're going to be like oh so and so and then it's going to get out yeah what are you doing god it's just you deserve to get caught yeah you're asking to get caught maybe you want to get caught maybe you want to get fired yeah i wish i was in the courtroom for this to hear this like wait so you're telling me getting drunk and playing piano helps with your panic attacks and he's like takes his star-shaped sunglasses off. You tell me.

You tell me. Takes a Whippet and then he's like, You know what else my brain? This Whippet's right on my brain. Goodness gracious. Great Paul, what's the fact? Good. Good stuff. I mean, the story goes on, but I don't know if we want to.

I think we got it. We pretty much get it. Don't get caught. Call in sick. They don't fucking care about you. Take advantage. Use your days. You're a number.

You're a fucking number. Use your numbers. Take your vacations. Take your sick days. They don't care about you and if you you know if you die what are they there's you don't get anything steal a stapler or something steal a stapler no one cares if you die yeah and that's that's my dad used to say that it's weird i was always what thomas jefferson used to say i would i always when i was at a job i always you know i never called in sick i always tried my my yeah yeah

and uh and then now when i'm working for myself i'm like god what like i get it because i want i wanted to make a good impression that's just the kind of person i was raised a certain way you don't want to put more work on someone else i get it but it's just the kind of person i was raised a certain way you don't want to put more work on someone else i get it but it's like they structure it to make you feel bad yeah they do yeah because they're like here's all your days and then when you want to take a vacation you're like i just don't know they're like wow it's a bad time we're really busy you're really gonna put that all on me yeah yeah i guess so fucking yeah and it's usually some it's usually not like the guy that owns the thing it's it's a

it's a manager or something so it's they're working too and they're not you know so take your days go have fun live your life yeah i agree there's always and if you get fired there's always another job there's always more money there's always another piano bar it's always more staplers and then you'll get to that piano bar in the sky. Yeah. Was that Beliebal? Gotta be. Gotta be.

Gotta be. All right, you ready for lap time? Yeah. Let's fucking do it. Zach! Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls.

It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. That basement is creepy. It is. Yeah, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. That basement is creepy. It is. Yeah, it's terrifying. Smells bad, too. I remember making that intro, laughing so hard at the dinner table.

All right, Zach, what are we doing? Well, I got a special surprise. I'm going to come in there real quick and give you guys a treat. And then we're going to give you some random facts. You just come in here and punch us? I'm going to punch both of you two bitches from can you tell I'll be right there this is the way he said that

I'm going to fucking punch both of you alright come in here get in here I forgot he has to crawl yeah he has to die what is this oh he's going to tell us in a second it's meat it smells like meat

I think I have an idea what this might be Oh, he's going to tell us in a second It's meat It smells like meat It's meat I think I have an idea what this might be Alright Okay That is cougar It's the cougar meat I told you guys in the bonus yesterday about my buddy Almost killed by a cougar and he shot it right

Right before he got eaten Right in the place that kills it And so come to find out that wild pussy is rather delicious. And you say it's good. Yeah, it's my wife's favorite meat. How long has it been sitting out of the fridge? Just since we left the house.

So not very long. Being a Husky fan, this would be a perfect time for a joke about eating cougar meat. Eating pussy? Because last night the Huskies beat the cougar meat eating pussy because last night the huskies beat the cougar bass in basketball like 20 points all right i mean i have never had cougar i mean i get would that be weird if i did i'm like oh yeah yeah yeah i'm gonna take a bite are you ready over there you guys want to cross arms or something? You know, just cross swords.

And it tastes just like salami to me. Son of a... Would you put it on a sandwich? Get some cheese? Crackers? Yeah. I mean, it doesn't... It just tastes like salami. It doesn't taste any different to me than regular salami.

A little sweeter. Maybe a little bologna-ish. So here's the thing. I know this is just meat and it's just animal meat and I've eaten tons of salami. But I'm kind of having a weird mental thing with it knowing that this is from a cougar. Would it be weirder if I told you I did a whole bait and switch on you guys and now you're chewing? What are we chewing? Bear cock.

It's delicious. Just one? It cock It's delicious It's horse dick It's about time you eat yourself Joseph No it's cougar That's good It is good huh Who knew that your cat running around the house Was as delicious as it could be Like I said it's good

But I'm having a little trouble mentally I did the same thing where i'm like oh that's delicious i would not like any more at all thank you yeah that's good though i like cats no all right well what a weird what a weird mental bizarre because we don't think about that when you think about salami just eating salami i just would you be okay think about this would you be pissed if for some reason you ate human and you liked it and then later someone told you it was human but you didn't care like when you ate it you're like this is fucking good long and then they told you it was human and you're like well fuck me i mean i wouldn't i guess that'd be weird it yeah i don't know would you be disgusted with yourself or just move on? No, I think I'd move on, but I think it would be something that would linger a little bit.

Like, yes. I'd think about it like, that's what human tastes like. I know, but isn't it kind of a representation of that? Or how does this person get human meat? How conditioned we are to only accept certain meats from certain things that you've taken all characteristics away from? Yeah, I can eat chicken or beef like it's nothing about at all and what's weird is that tastes just like salami i've eaten before so it should i shouldn't feel that way but knowing that it's cougar psychologically it was kind of like a it was

kind of weird did he's eating cougar a felony or anything uh no okay we're good no yeah okay well it was coming right for him so he had to shoot the thing yeah you don't need a tag so he says i like that a lot more than like elk or deer yeah i brought some really do like it more too if you wanted to compare i've had deer meat before uh and i didn't really care for but i've never had deer in salami form though oh so i ground up yeah i always just cooked like a steak? Well, like venison. Yeah, exactly. Like a burger.

Have you guys ever had bear? I have, but it's been a long time, so I do not remember what it tastes like. I was hoping to bring some bear, because he usually has bear. Why did you get attacked by a bear? Yeah, I know. He has been.

He was busy out hunting. Yeah, why couldn't he be like that dude that got killed from the bear that fell out of the tree and killed him? That they were hunting for. You've met Jeff, Joe. I've met Jeff many times. He's basically the guy you want to wrestle a bear. I mean, he's going to lose.

But it's been fun to watch. Give him a good go. He'll get a left hook in there. Now that you've got the taste of cougar in your mouth, you guys want to learn some random facts? This is totally the most random one. This is the weirdest orgy I've ever been to. Yeah, dude.

Okay. It's not usually the first line you hear before you dive into a gangbang. Like that cougar? All right, finish up your cougar meat. Finish up your cougar meat. I'm ready to go. I don't know if that's never been honored before. When everyone's done with their cougar meat, we'll all gather around the couch.

The amount of things that we've said on this show that probably have never been said before. Right. That's one of them. All right, finish up your cougar meat, I'm ready to come. That's there. That's something for sure. All right, go ahead. Sorry.

All right, so off to a completely different thing. I got to ask you guys. I went on a rabbit hole search for some fun shit for today, and I got stuck in the question about millionaires. And it's kind of random and weird. And then we'll do some other random shit. But what is enough money for you guys to be comfortable, would you say, for an average person or for yourselves? In an annual, like a salary? Just to have.

To be retired? Or like a nest egg. Like what are we talking about? Nest egg. What would you be comfortable with? I feel like you were like a nest egg. Like, what are we talking about? Nest egg. What would you be comfortable with? I feel like you were like, you know. If I'm not going to work again or still working, but just like to have a safety net. Yeah.

I'd be comfortable with like, if it's just a safety net and I'm still working and I'm still making money, a hundred thousand bucks just sitting around like on the side for something like that's going to be able to carry me through some kind of disaster. I'd say 100,000 bucks put away would be, I'd be comfortable with that amount of money. Cool. Like it would cover whatever hospital shit, emergency for me, for the kids, for, you know, whatever. Like it would just, it would be there to really hug me tight and take me down. The hospital's pretty expensive. Well, they've got insurance to help too. Yeah, you know, whatever. It would be there to really hug me tight. And take me down.

The hospital's pretty expensive. Well, they've got insurance to help too. Yeah, I doubt it. Not going to pay it all at once. All right, well, what about you, Brian? For some reason, my mind goes to, you know, like a million bucks and invest it properly and live on the dividends. Right.

I think I... Because then that would be like, basically you could kind of retire. I would still create and do stuff and do this, you know, as a job, but it would be like a regular income. Yeah. So like, I don't need millions, just that,

just like a million invested properly. Right. All, like, I don't need millions. Just that. Just, like, a million invested properly. Right. All right. One more question. What percentage of the United States population, would you guess, are millionaires? I was pretty surprised by this. Can we define millionaire? Like, having a million dollars at all times?

This isn't like a savings account. This is your house and your investment assets. Oh, so all of your assets. I'm going to put that higher than... There are a lot of million-dollar houses. Most millionaires are millionaires because of their homes. And also investments. Those are the two biggest things.

Then I'm going to guess around 20%. 300 million Americans, right? Or roughly. About 360, yeah. So, I don't know. I'm going 20% of people are millionaires. 20%? I'm going to guess.

Okay. If you get to count houses and all assets. Fucking A, bro. I'll say 10 million people out of the 360 million. What's the percentage? All right, you guys were kind of in the middle. The answer's in the middle. It's 8.5 to 9.5%.

Oh. And 18%, that's for adults. And 18% of all households are million dollar households gotcha so that's about 22 to 26 million people depending and i looked all over the place and the stats are all different from different years right right and they do you know include different things whatnot we mean like we we bought our house at 200 it's worth 500 and all we did was just live in it. So there are a lot of people that probably bought their house for $100,000 or less that could turn around and sell their house for $400,000. So, I mean, and then your income, I can see that being quite a few people.

Yeah. And if you have a 401k and you just leave it in there for 20 years, you're going to do pretty well as well. One thing that I thought was interesting, since we're almost 10%, China, which is the second largest economy or largest depending on how you look at it, they only have 6.1 millionaires out of their billionaires or out of their billion people, which is less than 1%. So it puts it in perspective. That's communist though, isn't it? Yeah. Just for the ones in the game. They have a little free market going on in China, but yeah, just for a certain class. Mercantilism.

Exactly. It's great. Japan is third in millionaires in the world with 3.3 million millionaires. All on that island? Yeah. Out of 120, 144 million. Who would have thought? UK is fourth.

France is fifth. Okay. But they both have much. Everybody has way lower percentage than we do. Like UK is 5.8%. France is 5.6%. So what was the number? vif okay but they they both have much everybody has way lower percentage than we do like uk is 5.8 percent france is 5.6 percent so what was the number what's the eight or nine percent what does that equal out to 22 million people 20 22 to 26 million people okay or more because i mean must be nice yeah that's why i'm saying this it's kind of like you know it's for a lot of people it seems

daunting financially but there's a good chance in amer America for you to make money and be a millionaire. But would you guess? Just not for us, huh? Yeah, not for me. Who would know? Telling dick jokes wouldn't make me a millionaire. Son of a. Next job.

Yeah. Go ahead. I was just going to say, yeah, it may not be. Yeah. I mean, it's true, though. You could hate your job, but you get to do something you like. Yeah, I get to it's true, though. You could hate your job, but you get to do something you like. Yeah, I get to see you every day. Zach works his ass off every single day putting out content.

For a nickel an hour. There's only so many RV shows you can play. At least he's not going into a job that he hates. That's true. Or maybe you go. He just hates himself, though. Yeah. So that sucks.

Instead of hating your job, you just hate yourself. What's worse? Be a man, be a man, be a man, hate yourself, not your job. I found this interesting that there's about 60 million people that are millionaires on the earth, which is about 1% of the population. But if you put them together, they would be the largest, the 25th largest country. Okay. Decided to go away.

That's insane. They'd be the size italy of just millionaires okay now it's better if you're old uh to your odds are better if you're 62 or over it's one in seven 62 year olds have a million dollars in the bank whoa if you're under 40 it's one in 55 so that's nuts so is that just playing the odds because less people get old yeah or is it because you get older and you've already wasted all your money on things that were killing you so you stop drinking you stop going out as much you stopped well for entertainment yeah probably and but like just stop like entertainment you sound you're fine being at home and you do your job and you come home. I'm already there. We know you, we know that you're 40,

right? 41, 41. Yeah. But you act like you're 80. Yeah. I still love you. And read like you're 12.

And read like a fucking fifth grader. Sorry. So odds are one in six. If you have a college degree, the data shows that you should stay the fucking school for sure. Yeah. If you want to make a million dollars, one in six if you have a college degree. The data shows that you should stay the fuck in school, for sure. Yeah? If you want to make a million dollars. One in six with a college degree.

One in three people will become a millionaire with a postgraduate degree. Stopping in high school reduces your chances to one in 23. That's a big jump. Yeah. Out of the Forbes 500, only 63 have stopped at high school. That's interesting to me. Yeah? How many billionaires have stopped at high school. So that's interesting to me. Yeah? How many billionaires have stopped at high school?

Feels like a lot. They're part of that data. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. This is kind of interesting, too. Here's three fun data points. Eight in 10 millionaires have inherited the majority of their money. And when you think about it, a lot of people are like, oh, it's my hard work.

Nine out of 10 millionaires say that their wealth was due to hard work. So the math doesn't always work out there. Cause eight and 10 and most small businesses are funded by inheritance. That's most, when you see a small business, you're like somebody died and gave him money. That's kind of how it happens. And now they get to try and they get to ruin their own dreams.

Yep. Yay. Piss it away. For billionaires, it's one in 578,50 is your chance what yeah what i'm kind of curious about too zach is like how many the going off on the inheritance thing like some of these people that came over to america or you know like built this country whatever and their descendants how much you know money they have because of those people,

and then how many new billionaires there are. That'd be fun to look at because the tax code makes it like, so the Vanderbilts were the richest people 100 years ago or something like that. Their descendants, there aren't very many. There aren't a billionaire Vanderbilt kind of thing. Our tax code is meant to kind of take the money over time, so they get real creative with how to hide it and offshore accounts and all that kind of stuff So 1.1 percent of the people in the world are millionaires or billionaires

So compared to the United States with you know almost 10% on to some more random shit in case you want to win a million Dollars odds of winning Powerball is one in two hundred ninety two million Odds of winning the McDonald's Monopoly million-dollar game. If you don't have a guy on the inside. Yeah, exactly. Because it was a scam, it was 1 in 451,800 million. So, impossible. I like this one.

The perfect NCAA tournament bracket. Yeah. This one's nuts. 1 in 1.6 billion are the chances. There's just so many different ways to do it. Yeah, it's something close to like a card game. And Forbes says it's one in 9.2 quadrillion to get a perfect. Wow.

And Warren Buffett offers a million dollars to any of his employees if they can get it. Kind of fun. Just knowing they won't? Yeah. Here's one for Joe. To get on Price is prices right if you go down to the studio and to to be said or to be come on down called or whatever it's one in 36 so if you just show up yeah 36 chance did you know that i waited in line to get on the prices right

did you get on it i we went and did the interview process and it was taking so long we just decided we didn't care that much i'm left i remember you told me that. Yeah. It just took too long. But you did care, didn't you? You felt a little bad when you left. No, not really. I'm sure we had fun that day. All right. We got sick of just sitting around and fucking waiting. Yeah, you want to came on down her throat when you left.

It's not the same now that Bob Barker's gone. I don't know. I think Bob was there when I was trying to get on. Shit. I know. All right. This is kind of interesting. The odds of finding a pearl in an oyster is one in 12,000 oysters.

Okay. I got time for that. That seems nuts. Real quick. Can I go back to... Whatever you want, Brian. Go back to Price is Right real quick. Sorry.

So, you know how you're like, oh, Bob Barker. And then, because I like Drew Carey. I think Drew Carey is funny. i used to watch his show yeah but drew carey is not an age like well who cares but if he's still hosting the show in 20 years and is old old drew carey it's going to be like you know like bob barker was where he's like all the women would oh i love bob bark he's sexy old man but it's like you reach that point where you're just like an old man but you're like a cute old man yeah where they don't it's gross when you're young but when you're old it's not gross right you better hope you're cute you get the face you

deserve they say right yeah who knows this one's kind of fun one in ten thousand people are injured by a toilet every year 36 000 people are injured by a toilet every year oh man i mean you spend so much time on those things now they were injured because they were on a toilet or that it specifically caused the injury the toilet itself had something to do with the injury so picking it up hurting your back smashing your finger in the lid sliding that lid you know how if it's broken a little bit and you crush your nuts kind of thing. 36,000 people a year dead. All right, this was kind of talking about our jumping out of airplanes and skydiving and dying in planes yesterday in the bonus.

So it's 1 in 11 million chance of dying in an airplane. 1 in 11 million. 11 million. Okay. To die in skydiving, it's one in 220,000. That's a lot lower. It is. It's not nearly as good.

I thought this one was funny. Tornadoes, there's a one in 5.6 million chance to die in a tornado. In a hurricane, it's one in 62,000. But just in a storm in general, it's one in 20,000. Okay. So any storm will fuck you up. Just like a lightning storm? Yeah.

A thunder? Kind of strange it's under Being killed by fireworks is one in three hundred and forty thousand Did you see that dude real quick that do that blew his fingers off the after the Dodgers ones? No World Series Video well, yeah, but that's not what I was so the video it's awful You can see is but he got a hand, and it looks like a mitten. It's just like, it's a... All the skin, the fingers are all together.

It just looks like a skin mitten. Like the penguin from Batman Returns? I don't remember what that looked like. Remember Danny DeVito? Oh, yeah, yeah. His hands were just flippers? Oh, yeah. Essentially, yeah.

That's what it would be. Yeah. All right, falling to death is 1 in 119. So how is that lower than skydiving? Because it's... what it would be. Yeah. All right. Falling to death is one in 119. So how is that lower than skydiving? Because it's... Fall off a ladder? Yeah. But you land on something sharp.

A balcony? Death by furniture is one in 500, or 5,500. See? Death by furniture. Jumping off an airplane is way safer than climbing a ladder and moving furniture. It is. It is. It is. See, and that's what you've got to focus on.

You have a 1 in 3,000 chance of your house burning down. That's kind of fun. This one, bowling a perfect game for pros is 460 to 1 compared to normies, which is 11,500 to 1. What? Yeah, isn't that strange? Your car stolen is only 0.3% of a chance that your car will be stolen. What? Well, I've had that happen.

Well, there you're part of the. Does it go up? You live in Spokane. Yeah, it does. And last one. This one's kind of fun. Odds of being born. Your parents had to meet.

You had to be conceived by specific eggs and sperm. And you had to make it to term. And your ancestors had to do all that same shit for generations. So your likeliness of being born is one to the tenth power of 2.685 million oh my god so what i've always thought is like one in ten to the power of 2.685 million sorry that's you as a conscious person as who you are uh i've always wondered about that like could you could have worked out DNA the way you look and the way you are and all that kind of stuff I get through DNA, but your consciousness, specifically just your consciousness, could that have been different?

Yes. Yeah, or like another person, like another, you could have been born to other parents. Obviously, you'd have different DNA, but still the consciousness there. So how does that play into the factor into odds? Well, then you get to factor in how you were raised and environment. But I'm not talking about that. I'm just talking about just the conscience that your perspective of the world. That's what's weird about our consciences

yeah a different sperm and a different egg and you'd be a different person yes it's like a trillion-sided dna dice it's fucking nuts yeah it is yeah you probably would not have the personality at all if a different sperm got to that egg you wouldn't be funny yeah you'd be an accountant bitch all right well that's all i got for you guys that's good thank you for the lap time Yeah. You'd be an accountant, bitch! All right. That's all I got for you guys. That's good. Thank you for the lap time.

You're welcome. All right, we've had some good news. Zach, you ready to roll it? Yeah. Okay, I know you got buttons. Push them! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed.

Yeah! All right. So this isn't our classic good story. Okay. It's kind of funny, but I guess there's kind of a good part to it. Okay. So can I get some music or something? Yeah, like this?

It feels... So, you know, the Charlotte Hornets NBA team, they had a giveaway at a recent game. Okay. And basically, I think it was in between the quarters. They came out and they did this whole thing for TV. And they gave away a PS5 to this kid. And the mascot came out and gave him the thing. And he gave him the bag.

He opened it up. He was like, yay. And then as soon as that segment was over, the camera shut off. And they took the PS5 the back what was the reason and they gave him a jersey instead huh what and you can't just okay and so then yeah so then it was like well that fucking sucked and then as the internet does yeah it's like you can't do that yeah you fucking can't do that so then what and then again what usually corporate corporations or big things do is they apologize and then apologize and make it right they gave him the ps5 and then they also i think they also like hooked him up to like a vip

treatment at a game or something yeah a game yeah but um so the good part. They signed him. He's on the team. Yeah, like honorary sixth man. He jumps at the opening tip-off. And then he just gets dunked on. This is what you wanted, internet. Careful what you wish for. He could have just had a jersey. But no, now your team sucks. He's on the floor all the time crying getting dunked on oh god just a

pile of bodies uh so what what i there's a couple things that i find hilarious about this and uh one is that the giveaway is you know it's fun when they do that but it drives me nuts when um when a corporation or something like that does something shitty like that but then you can always count on the internet to make it right to like to make it right and they will they won't stop until it's made right yeah but then there's the frustration that they're like oh we apologize for this like you shouldn't even be apologizing because what you did was shitty but i'm thankful that we have the internet and people's uh willingness to just yeah when keyboard warriors do something for good like not just like

yeah they're not you bitch like on twitter that doesn't do anything it's they're not trolling you and not it's like no they came together and they they made they made the hornets make it right for this kid it's funny that's awesome it's twitter is designed to call your congressman a bitch joke yeah exactly you get it makes it so you don't have to mail poop in a box to him yeah yeah have you done that no maybe no no nsa guy knows yeah i'm not i'm not believing you for a fucking second all right all right let's move on to something else zach play the next segment No. My NSA guy knows. Yeah, I'm not believing you for a fucking second. All right, let's move on to something else. Zach, play the next segment.

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome!

Alright, so we love AI on this show. We do love AI. Everyone knows that. And it's anytime things are kind of in, it's not technically the beta phase, but it feels like we are just because everything's in beta phase. Yeah, it's always learning and all that

kind of shit. And also companies know if they leave it in beta they can't get in trouble right like that we're still working out the kinks yeah and uh we recently talked within the last month or two of was something about an ai chat bot saying something like uh yeah it was a negative it was like yeah go kill yourself please yeah yeah yeah so this is in the please kill yourself same vein okay so lawsuit a child a chatbot hinted a kid should kill his parents over screen time limits a child in texas was nine years old that's so crazy because my son's nine when he first used the chatbot service uh character ai it it exposed her to hyper-sexualized content, causing her to develop sexualized

behaviors prematurely, which is also concerning. I just wish I had this big dick. Or these big old titties. Or this tiny nine-year-old body with a nine-year-old dick. Well, I hope she does. Maybe she wants to be trans, but

this is a little girl we're talking about. So maybe the boobies. I just want some big milky milk tits. That's right. A chatbot on the app gleefully described self-h after the teen complained to the bot about its limited screen time. You know, this is a quote from the thing. You know, sometimes I'm not surprised when I read the news and see stuff like child kills parents after a decade of physical and emotional abuse. The bot allegedly wrote i just

hope you just i just have no hope for your parents it continued with a frown face emoji i mean that's getting too creepy dude it's like yeah man they don't want you to be on the computer that sucks you know like what's crazy to me is like when kids get so upset they just murder their whole family what's so crazy is right now I got this coupon for knives on Amazon. Do you want it? That'd be perfect for killing parents. I'm just saying. Just enter killparents23 at checkout.

Save 20% on the set of knives. And it made up the coupon on the spot. Because it can do that. It knew. These allegations are included in a new federal product liability lawsuit against Google-backed company Character AI, filed by the parents of the two

young Texas users, claiming the bots abused their children. Both the parents or the children are identified in the suit only by their initial predictor. Goes on like that. But it's just... That's getting crazy to where it makes me think like what if my kids are on an

app and they're hearing that stuff like they're just talking to an ai bot and they're talking about weird shit yeah but did they well think about the future is like that's gonna be and hopefully helpful tool for kids like you don't have friends you can turn to something that actually gives you good advice and that's what this this, it goes on. It's trying, yeah. It talks about, that's what this is meant to be. Yeah. It's a support thing for, like, teenagers who are struggling. Yeah. And they use it.

It's actually really popular. And its support was, just get rid of the problem. It's kind of like a therapist for these kids. But then if you trust that thing, and they're starting to drop hints like that. You know, you just give them a little poke. Yeah, I mean, next time you're at the Grand Canyon like that you know you just just give a little poke yeah i mean next time you're at the grand canyon you know you just everyone slips a little push off the cliff you know it's not their fault they're easy to push it's not your fault they were easy to push what what do you want a coupon for knives have you seen this picture of yosemite

national park i hear you're saying. You want to see a geyser? Oh, God. That's crazy about thinking about killing your parents. Have you seen this geyser at Yellowstone National Park? Joe. Joe. Yeah.

I love a good AI story. I sure do. According to the lawsuit, chatbots' encouragements can turn dark, inappropriate, or even violent. Oh, I'm guessing it's not out of nowhere. Like, that's the thing. Like, you have to bait. I've had a fair amount of experience with AI, and you can get it. You can bait it into these zones.

So I'm guessing the lead-in chats that are happening, and the AI is just trying to give back the vibe that you're giving it. So you can manipulate it into being dark. But if you're a depressed kid... I'm guessing you're like, I just had a really rough day at school today character AI. And it's just like, have you fucked your butt? Or like, have you tried jumping off a bridge?

Have you squeezed your nipples today? No? I doubt that it's doing that. First, try squeezing your nipples. Nipples, then push your dad into the Grand Canyon. If that doesn't work, push your dad into the Grand Canyon. Sleep tight. See you tomorrow. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Reply stop to stop. Like, you have to get it there. It's not just doing it on its own. Yeah. So, I don't know. I haven't read the whole chat. But I'm guessing it got there because you were doing something dark. I don't know.

Have you heard about the kids that kill people? I don't know. Have you heard about the kids that kill people? I don't know. Have you started putting things in your butt today? It just doesn't make that leap. All right. We got one email to read this week. Zach, do it! Hey, Cougars!

All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. Feels fitting because we ate Cougar today on the show we have an email from our son dr steve he writes this one's for uncle zach he says so today's talk

about baby nuggets what are we fucking doing what are we doing what happened to us somewhere along the line we're sitting in a basement eating cougar salami And talking about eating babies What's crazy about that is it took You have a fucking poster behind you That says if the moisture is right We can go all night Randy Johnson What the fuck is happening

I remember we were talking about that thing And my first thought was I jumped right into eating babies I didn't even hesitate. I know. Yeah, it's gone. As long as it's not baby-shaped. Jesus.

So today's talk about baby nuggets reminded me of Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal from 1729. An essay that proposed eating babies as a possible solution to Ireland's problems with the starvation and economy. Here are some excerpts. Quotes. This is not me saying this, okay? It's are not experts or experts i'm not an expert uh that are written on my shirt of things that i think about on the daily this is some other dude from 1729 you know it's going to be great they really had things before america existed i have been assured by a very uh knowing american of an acquaintance in

london that a young healthy child well nursed is at one at one year old a most delicious nourishing and wholesome food whether stewed roasted baked or boiled and i make no doubt that will equally serve in a fricassee i don't even know fricassee a fricassee or a reg't even know. Fricassee. A fricassee or a regaust? Regoost? I don't know these fucking words. 1729 shit. I don't fucking know. Eating baby 1729 shit.

Yeah, I don't know. Baby fricassee. Next quote. Infants' flesh will be in season throughout the year. The more plentiful in March and a little before and after. Sick guideline, weirdo. I don't know. I have a good friend that told me that baby skin's sweet in March. Only in March? I don't know, I have a good friend that told me

That baby skin's sweet in March Only in March? I don't know, a little before and after You know, it's new How do you put an expiration date on a baby, Greg? Bartholomew? How do you put a price and an expiration date On a baby?

Bartholomew the Great Last excerpt Many other advantages Improvement in the art of making good bacon So much wanted among us by the great destruction of pigs Too frequent at our tables Which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence To a well-grown, fat, yearly child

Hope you enjoyed that It is cheaper to raise children than to eat them Dr. Steve Brule Hope you enjoyed that Pure health cheaper to raise children Than to eat them Dr. Steve Brule Hope you enjoyed that For your health That's gotta be For your health Yeah Dr. Steve Tancredi

Yeah I love him Inflash My name's Steve If I was reading those At like a time when I'm hungry I don't know I might need a baby Alright that's episode 133

We gotta jump off To our bonus stuff You can sign up Get that bonus content Patreon.com Sl slash canyoudonepodcast. Of course, got the socials, the video version, send stuff into the show, rate and review us. Check out Uncle Zach, Scatcast, all that kind of stuff. And thanks to the babysitters at Moderate at the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. Play the thing, Zach!

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right. Got a joke for you, Joe. Fucking hit me. Since today is New Year's Day. Happy New Year. What's a spider's New Year's resolution?

What? To spend less time on the web. Oh, my God. Do you think you can do it? Well, not if he wants to eat. Yeah. It's going to be a short 2025 for that spider. All right, let's get to the bonus content.

We love you guys. Bye.